#don't enourage me to do so

[adhd-creativity]

ADHD and Gender

I've just thought about how possibly gender doesn't necessarily inherently change the way ADHD affects us (for example, articles stating that adhd makes men more hyperactive than women). But society and how we've been socialised from infants to align with our assigned gender most definitely does.

Example- my male colleague, I'll call him Ben, has combined type adhd just like me (innatentive and hyperactive). It's a lot more 'obvious' with him- he talks loudly about his interests, bounces around the room, and today he's left the staffroom distracted by something work-related. He's left a used mug, glass, and a dirty tuppaware out on the shared table.

My other colleagues complain about Ben to me- they feel safe doing this as I pass so easily as 'normal'. They call him inconsiderate and someone calls him gross. And I think privately to myself, I would so easily have done that too, but I'm too hyper-aware of the shame, the gossiping of everyone around me.

I also know- in a public space you can't leave your used things out on the table. Even if it's really hard to keep track of and not do accidentally. I know I am expected to be tidy (especially in public) and consider everyone around me at all times, even if it negatively affects me.

They don't know about when I hid a growing pile of used mugs and plates in my little office space until people started complaining things were missing, how I complained with them (lol). They don't know that I stayed super late one shift and filled a bag with the mugs and plates and sneaked them into the kitchen to wash, clanking guiltily as I went, having to soak and scrub them for more than an hour.

I don't know Ben's personal history, but maybe he grew up not being told to constantly keep on top of his own mess and chores. Maybe that's women's work. Or maybe he had a modern thinking family who encouraged him to take up the space he needed (not shrink yourself down, make room for boys that need that space) and to not care what others thought of him. Maybe they were annoyed by him leaving cups and plates and making a mess, but Ben's a boy, and boys are allowed to be messy.

Maybe Ben has been enouraged to speak loudly and proudly about his interests all his life, so now he tells people about them. Maybe he's never been told to be quiet, to not think so highly of himself, to let others talk first.

I don't know Ben- I just know that he's had a very different experience of the world than I have, even if we both do share ADHD.

And because he's maybe had the chance to be who he is, loud and chatty and chaotic, without society telling him to be quiet, smaller, neater - maybe thats why people like Ben get diagnosed when they are 8 years old. Maybe that's why I didn't get diagnosed until 30- after years of pushing and having to fight my case.

What do people think? I'd love to hear some other perspectives on this

(Disclaimer- this is not meant to be gender essentialist or man-hating. I think gender is a construct and although I've been socialised as a woman, I am non-binary. Also I am not a health care professional these are just my thoughts lol )

[readychilledwine]

Practical Magic

Summary - helping Elain kill Graysen may have been the worst mistake you've made in 300+ years of practicing witchcraft

Warnings - elain and poison, elain being slightly manipulative against reader, non-overly descriptive mentions of witchcraft and possession (I saved the descriptive ones for The Craft), mentions of elains innocence and bondage

A/N - I wanted this piece to focus more on the found sisterhood between Elain, my Azriel's sister reader, Cerridwen, and Nuala. I'm very excited to share my Nesta x this same reader character x gwyn x emerie piece with all of you soon. It's uh a little less innocent, and I had to dig out my own spiritual research for it. Ps I think I caught them all, but my editing software really thinks Graysen should be Greyson.

Word count - 💜 an adorable 2222 💜

You dug your nails into the wooden floor, dragging yourself to Elain's still body and pulling her in close to you. "Come on, Elain," you whispered. "You are stronger than him." Her breathing was labored as sweat dripped from her brow. "I'm so sorry, little flower. This is all my fault."

*Two weeks earlier*

Being Azriel's sister came with perks. The first was getting to stare at Cassian's ass in leathers daily. The next was Rhysand buying you expensive wine and gifts. The last was the sisters you found in Elain and the Twins. 

You and Elain were walking barefoot through her garden as she lead you to a empty area. "I was thinking of planting poisons and stuff for your…. Craft here."

You looked to Elain, brows knitted in shock and your mouth slightly opened. "Ellie, you do not have to do that. I know you want the garden to be stunning."

Elain nodded, a soft smile forming on her face. "Azriel showed me some illustrations of poison flowers after I asked. There's several I thought were rather lovely."

You pushed down the shock of your brother enouraging this, "Was there a specific few you wanted? I'm happy with any of them. It gives me access to study cures and uses more."

Elain rocked back on her feet, "I thought foxglove was quite lovely. Along with lily of the valley and wisteria. I wrote you a list, actually." Her smile was so lovely as she reached into her garden apron and showed it to you along with her map Azriel must have made her.

You could help but pause at the list. "Elain, some of those are deadly even if you even accidently nick the flowers. Some of them are photogenic toxins and can cause painful rashes and boils for years. " She just nodded but motioned to where they all sat ready to be transferred into the ground. "Azriel already got them all, didn't he?" 

She nodded again, pulling you to the flowers. "Tell me how they're used in…. Your line of work. Azriel says Rhysand pays you to use them for research and... other things?"

In witchcraft, assassinations, and torture, you said mentally to yourself. "He does. I don't know if we're allowed to discuss them, though."

"Oh! Az already told me and just said to ask you for more specific details."

Elain spent countless hours with you after that, studying herbology with you, watching as you did apothecary work for Madja and Rhys, and helping collect dried flowers for studying.

She had even started trying her hand at mixing herbs for ritual teas and medicinal purposes. The two of you and the shadow twins had become inseparable. Spending every hour you could together, reading old texts together. 

She finally approached the topic you three all knew was on her mind months after you two had formed an even deeper bond and the four of you had sealed your love and commitment in blood and bond magic. 

She was holding nightshade berries in her gloves, "If someone wanted to use these to hurt another person, how would they go about that?"

You froze completely. "Elain-"

"Just in theory."

You looked at her, staring into her doe eyes. "I do not believe I am allowed to-"

"Please, y/n?" She took your hands in hers, big eyes pleading. "Wouldn't you rather I was safe? What if someone used them to hurt me?"

There were downsides to bring Azriel's sister. The first was that you, too, were weak for brown doe eyed blondes, so you typically stole them from him. The second was that you also caved the way he clearly had as well when they batted their eye lashes at you. 

You walked her through each way the flowers and berries could be used. How they were used in medicines and almost untraceable in some situations. You walked her through how to properly use magic with intent and how to set up a safe practice alter. You told her of which herbs you kept were tonics or antidotes to the poisons most commonly used. Last, you told her how painful it would be to have some of these used on you. How it was a slow dragged out death over several hours, not some instantaneous thing like the books she read made it sound.

You had thought you talked her out of whatever true curiosity she had based off how her face paled, but you realized you were wrong one night when you felt something in the house that didn't belong. 

You and Rhys, Azriel, and Cassian were sitting together, going over the new tinctures you had made that would help stabilize someone on the brink of death until healers could get to them. It was revolutionary, and you were proud that 20 dedicated years to this topic had finally paid off, leaving you with the last step of testing it.

You had stopped mid sentence, every hair on your arms standing up as something cold brushed the back of your neck. You could hear the soul whispering. It was angry, vengeful, hateful, and trapped. Rhys had felt it too, immediately locking his eyes on you. "What did you do?"

You shook your head, "It was not me for once, Rhys. I'm offended by your statement." You closed your eyes feeling the presence again to identify it and paled. "This. Bitch." You stood and quickly went to Elain's room. Slamming the door open then shut you just stared at her. "What did you do?"

She stared at you, her normally wide life filled eyes were dull, her skin slightly pale, nose bleeding. "I think I forgot a step."

And now you were here. The house was abandoned by your family until Elain fixed a mistake she had made. You and the Twins has stayed, fulfilling that bond with her even though it was dangerous.

She did not ward the house from Graysen's soul, allowing him to track her even in the afterlife. She did not ward herself, allowing him in during a weak moment. And she did not close the circle she had used to send whatever she sent, giving him even quicker access to all of you. And now you both were paying for it.

You had practiced for over 300 years and had never witnessed anything like this. Elain no longer had control of her body, her mind, or herself. She had so desperately wanted revenge for how her former lover had hurt her that she lost sight of her future.  And you helped her. In your mind, in the mind of everyone in the Inner Circle, this was as much your own doing as it was hers. 

You held Elain's hand, ignoring the ringing in your ears, and pain in your wings from the last blast of power he pulled from her to send your way. He was draining her Cauldron Blessings, causing her to suffer the same way you knew he had.  "Elain, I know you are in there," you flinched as another blast of power came, hitting you like a ram and reminded yourself to speak with Rhysand before he undoubtedly banished you to Hewn City for your stupidity. "And I know you are afraid, but you cannot let him win."

Magic could not save her now. Azriel, Lucien, Feyre, nor Nesta could save her now. Elain was on her own to fight this from the inside, and all you could do was sit and feel hopeless as you held her hand and whispered to her. 

The twins were searching through countless ancient texts as they stood outside of the protection circle you had made. "Elain, please. Fight."

The twins began to pull supplies together. "What if we pull her soul to-" 

You shook your head, knowing what they were about to suggest. "We risk him pushing her out of her own body and using her magic more than he already is. Her soul is the only thing protecting that untapped well."

They paused, turning back to the books. "So you think this is genuine possession?" You only nodded as Elain whimpered. "You know what that means, right?" Nuala entered the circle followed by her sister. One took Elain's head placing it in her lap and the other took her empty hand. You nodded again, wincing as your damaged wing twitched to remind you it needed repairs. "Love and support," Cerridwen said. "We all love you, Elain." 

The four of you had promised each other forever, you had promised each other support, compassion, unconditional faith. "I'm so sorry, Ellie," you whispered to her again. "This is all my fault."

Nuala moved the sweat soaked hair from Elain's cheek. "When you pull through Elain, we're banishing you to tea making. Remember that time she made tea for Azriel?" The three of you giggled. "His face as he sipped it just to make her happy was priceless."

You snuggled into her shoulder as Elain also tried to laugh. "It was really bad, Ellie. I do not know what made you combine lavender, cloves, and basil but please do not torture my brother like that again."

Elain coughed. "He said he liked how they smelled," her voice was weak. "I thought-" She started coughing again, taking deep breaths. "I thought if I mixed them he'd really like it." 

Nuala spoke softly, "Azriel likes peppermint and honey teas. Y/n makes one he specifically craves and begs for. It's why there are so many mint plants in her herb garden. Maybe she can teach you that one instead. Lucien also really enjoys this cinnamon and cranberry one she makes. I know you mentioned wanting to learn more about him."

Cerridwen smiled, "Azriel's almost more of a mint chocolate. Lucien's tastes like pie. You would enjoy Lucien's, Elain."

Elain's brows knit tightly, another whimper of pain falling from her lips. "Leave her, Graysen." You commanded softly. "Leave her alone." You sent her another pulse of your own magic, giving her body and soul something to feed on. 

Cerridwen spoke this time, her eyes almost becoming comically wide. "Remember when we found Elain reading one of Nesta's books?" Elain immediately laughed, her skin almost glowing again. You caught a glimpse of the shadow figure being forced to leave her. Shooting a look to the twins you kept speaking, sitting up and leaning over her slightly. "You were so embarrassed. It was adorable."

The twins began laughing. "It was bondage one, right?" You nodded to Nuala. "Azriel was so uncomfortable when she came to him asking how that all worked."

Elain was laughing harder. Tears forming in the corner of her eyes. Cerridwen whispered next, "I think the discomfort came more from all of his blood rushing away from his head."

You nodded. "I heard about it for weeks." You cleared your throat while hiding the magic you were summoning to trap Graysen into a bottle. You spoke in a poor, faked, deep voice, trying to copy your brother's mysterious tone. "Do you think she wants me to show her? Surely Rhys can't get mad if I show her something she's come to me about first." 

Elain laughed again and you took the shot. Grabbing that misty spirit with your powers and pulling him from her. You lead him out of the circle, away from your chosen sisters like a mutt on a chain and trapped him into a spirit circle of his own. 

You immediately went back to Elain, knowing he wouldn't get out of the area you had created and helped her sit up. 

She had spent a week in that state. A week having her life forced sucked away by him, a week having her soul torn at, a week of her powers being used off and on until all she could do was sleep. 

Your hands were instantly on her cheeks as the twins rested their heads on her shoulders. "Ellie," you sobbed out. "Hi."

Elain blinked. "Was his soul always that…. Ugly?"

You nodded gently. "I noticed it when we first went to the human lands, but you loved him so much I didn't.. I didn't want to say anything. He's cruel, Elain. And now we get to make a choice." You three helped her stand, walking her to where your book of spells sat, and showed her the page on soul banishing. "Either we all can send him together, or you three can leave and I take care of it." Elain looked at you, waiting for your advice. 

It was Nuala who spoke, though. "He is worth your time, Elain. Nor the energy. He never was and had we fully known what you intended to do, we would have told you."

You looked over the soul again. "I think you leave him here with me unless you need this closure." You knew she clearly did. She was desperate and hurt enough to murder him. Closure was exactly what she need. She looked at the spellbound then turned to begin gathering the needed supplies.

"Shall we?" Her voice was exhausted, but determined. It would take her weeks to recover from this, but you would not take it from her. 

The three of you nodded, hands all joining together as you took your part of the supplies and formed a circle around your entrapment. "We shall."

[rebornofstars]

* I know I’m technically a focus on art but I also want to chat as writer—what’s one of your favorite troupes that you rarely write whether it’s because you feel you can’t do it justice or just because you don’t? Me personally I am an AVID fan of mind bending/un-reality fics, but I can never write them to a satisfactory level. They’re so fun to read especially when they’re multi-chapter and you’ve gotta theorize on wtf is going on!!! It’s quirky and fun!!!! No one knows what’s going on and I ADORE that type of confusion. Learning to write is fun but I’m not at that level yet and I’m excited for when I can GGHRAAAHHH!!!!

OH BOY. oh boy. hello there thank you so much for the ask i absolutely love it. this took me a while to respond to because i had to get my thoughts in order 😅 i like a good never-say-never attitude, but there are many many things i write that are not as good as the blurry versions of themselves rotating around the inside of my head! the potential, u know? i can never do the potential justice. somehow i don't think that will ever change.

one thing i definitely struggle with is long-term character development - whether it's romantic, like a slow burn, or platonic or just in terms of narrative structure, whatever. i can't seem to get it happening to my satisfaction. i am so comfortable collecting snapshots of specific points of a character's journey, but when i try to slowly allow them to grow and change, it always feels cheap idk 😬😭 i'm also not so good at writing stories which span a longer period of time and/or have timeskips. it's mostly due to lack of practice with longer stories, and i'm working on improving!

in terms of more specific tropes or genres, though.... mysteries. i can never figure out how heavy or subtle the foreshadowing should be. comedy is also hard, although i've been practicing that one and i think i'm slowly getting the hang of a few different styles that are more humourous. and sometimes i read, like, Feist and Wurts' Empire trilogy, or Rothfuss' The Name of the Wind, and realise all over again i have a looooong way yet to go when it comes to introducing worldbuilding into a story naturally and intuitively. also, this might be silly, because the LU fic i'm most known for is literally about this, but reveals? i'm not so confident i can live up to the hype or satisfactorily fulfill the tension i've built. i hope my cursebreaker readers are not going to be disappointed by the payoff/reveal i have planned 🤞🤞😁

that being said, though, i keep writing all of those tropes and genres anyway, and it's really an honour to have the space and encouragement to be giving it a shot. i'm so grateful that all my recurring readers have put their trust in me and my ability to deliver a good story. throughout my childhood writing has always been a very solitary endeavour for me and i cannot express how much fun i've been having on ao3 over the last year, and tumblr the last few months. i've never had a fandom community like this before 💕 and i like to think that while i'm still growing my skills, i also have the potential inside me for anything, if i give it a good shot and keep at it. i think we all do.

i'm very sorry for all of this word vomit 😁 i guess, to chat as a writer, all i can say is i also LOVE reality bending stories, and they're SO FUN and you're SO RIGHT, and i don't have so much one problem writing as i do a lot of smaller more general ones, because i like to throw myself into my problems head-first, and i believe that you too have a million potentials inside you if you keep at it, and i for one am very, very excited to see where you go. i guess this whole answer was a gesture of enouragement, in the end. 🤩🥰

[cowboyjen68]

Hi Jen,

As a queer person in my 20’s I had been feeling like LGBT+ acceptance was growing through my lifetime, and that things would continue to get better, but the way hateful/violent homophobic and transphobic rhetoric have become so politically mainstream again in such a short time is extremely frightening. I’m sure it concerns you too so if you need to ignore this ask for peace of mind, I understand. But if you can talk about it, do you think there’s hope? How does it look from your perspective as someone who lived through harder times? I feel like LGBT+ support is so much more broad now, and we’re more visible in popular culture and even some public offices that it can all only be rolled back so far, but I’m truly scared. Thanks, and be well.

I again apologize for the delay and this answer comes at a weird time since the Club Q shooting is less than a week ago.

I honestly am not sure my generation experienced harder times in some ways. Just different ways. We didn't have much legal protection such as the right to same sex marriage or civil rights to housing or employment. Many states had laws making homosexuality illegal although the laws punished "acts" more than the actual same sex attraction which was just a sneaky way to keep us in line.

The laws are not in as much danger as the right and left want us to think. But when we are panicked they make more money. Not that there aren't reasons to be concerned and we certainly don't want to sit back on our laurels and think there is no threat. From experience the far edges of the political extremes are working very hard to convince us all that no one can possibly come together on anything and the divide is so great there is nothing in the middle. MOST of us fall in the middle because we are just trying to keep our family safe and fed and pay our bills without the governement in our bedroom.

Now it is not so much about fighting laws on the books but about keeping shitty laws from being added. Similar shit, different times.

This next part is from my experience and STRICTLY my opinion since I am not a political analyst nor a professional activist A little of my background:  I was very active in the AIDs ACT Up movement, in producing Prides and other events locally AND In organizing trips of local LGBT people to attend larger events like Stonewall 25 and the early 1990's March on Washington. I also have consistently created small lesbian gatherings and enouraged lesbians to form intergenerational friend and mentor groups either privately or at existing festvials and venues. I was in Stonewall Democrats (a delegate for Obama) and the Affirmitive Action Chair for my County Dems for many years. I have been around the activism and political block a few times.

 I can’t see the future but I can assure you we have see rough times as a community and will continue to see them but we always seem to get our shit together enough to focus energy and effort on making change. Life and politics are a cycle and history shows that. Nothing is ever a guarantee for all times. All of us live in a world where rights are always subject to threat. That is just reality. My best advice is do what you can with where you are and what you are able. We can’t all lead big protests and we can’t even all vote (age, previous felonies, mobility etc) but we all can do something. 

What brings me the most joy, fulfillment and happiness is strengthening connections with lesbians and gathering to share stores, experience and knowledge, whether that means life skills or how we over came obstacles. It feels right to have those conversations and to understand younger generations and their concerns AND to be able to share what worked. I have been exposed to a very particular legacy of lesbian communicaiton and organizing. And what I was taught has helped me in so many ways.

 Find what you are most passionate about and put your focus and energy into that. We can’t all change the world but we can ceate small pockets in our lives and those of others where we feel happy and welcomed and understood. And sometimes those groups end up working on change together which can be a very powerful force. 

[snooping-anthropologist]

entry #02, 05 feb 2024

y'know what? it's gonna be fiiiiiiiiine.

i'm gonna start by touting some progress as of late:

finished reading Mèmologie by Albin Wagener (yeah, it's in French. unfortunately, i'm French.)

started reading a tumblr book by McCracken, Cho, Stein, & Hoch

still trying to mend the gap between "i hate studying" and "i love this project". to put it simply, i think my hyperfixation on my project is what's gonna get me to pass this year... hopefully.

on Mèmologie: dude literally comes up with a framework for analysing memes as objects of discourse. what's each element for? what are the references? how do the design choices come into play? his thesis is that memes are a form of language that is distinctively so internet. i think part of the work i'll do is take some memes/posts i've found on tumblr and analyse them using his framework.

on a tumblr book: first off, you can access the entirety of this book online for free on JSTOR. incredible, i love this. i'm only 7 pages into it out of 382 (including notes, excluding index) and i'm into it!

one thing about using tumblr DMs is that they're... difficult. you can only send texts, links, or tumblr posts, which can make discussing memes a bit difficult. the UI is horrible. however, given how "impersonal" (if not hostile to interaction) they are, they're a layer between "the researcher", me, and "the field member", a.k.a. the complex person i'm talking to.

chats can die. and that's okay. maybe i committed a mistake somewhere, maybe the other party lost interest. or maybe we forgot to answer each other and now it's been two months. it's kinda the nature of chats. the point, for me, is that i don't need to be afraid to reach out to people even when the conversation goes cold for a bit.

more and more, there's an anti-American, anti-West, or anti-system sentiment that i'm identifying within the memes and the discourse about them. when i speak to people about the memes they created or shared, i come to feel and relate to their irreverence. perhaps as an exercise of reflexivity, i should write about the irreverence within me. where do i situate myself in this "field"?

(and on point 3: as an AuDHDer in graduate studies i am struggling to "keep up" and "be motivated" by my classes; i just wanna work on my project and do my hobbies... luckily i'm surrounded by chosen family, they're the most enouraging force!)

[fiftysevenacademics]

I've made the best worst food possible to make. I love it and regret everything. The bareroot roses I ordered last October, waited patiently for until February, then planted and waited while they grew, are finally blooming and boy howdy! They are as beautiful as promised. But what I got them for is their scent, which is intoxicating.

To extend my enjoyment, it occurred to me to take a couple handfuls of the best of the petals that remain on spent blooms I pick off the plant (to enourage new flowers) and put them in sugar.

After a couple days of occasionally shaking or stirring the jar, the sugar smells like pure rose essence! Kinda wet and grainy, but utterly amazing.

So far so good, right? But then I made the mistake of tasting a little. Now I can't stop just nibbling small spoonfuls of it. I'm like a rat constantly pushing a lever, more sugar more sugar more sugar! It's so good! The exact pleasure of smelling them, but in my mouth, and sweet.

I don't know what I intended for it. Maybe stir it into tea with milk, or add it to my morning cappuccino, or sprinkle on cookies when they come out of the oven. But it's turned into the equivalent of eating candy so I try to limit myself to a couple of teaspoons a day.

I swear I'll do something better with the next batch.

[xxtheonyxdragonxx]

How do I begin, how do I even say

All the little things you do each day

You cause my Impish eyes, the intelligence you make me believe inside Pushing me, enouraging me to be the very best version of myself

Laughter, smiles, tears of joy that never dry

The comfort your presence brings - you recharge my soul

I don't know if we'll ever be more, much as my heart yearns to touch yours

So I'll cherish every sideways smile, admire from a close distance all the while

I could talk with you for hours, forget that time even exists because all that matters is the now when I am around you

I envy your memory - for each moment you recall makes me melt

If given the chance would you let me in, let me care, to support, to simply be there?

Can I challenge your mind, strive to find where I live inside - that I may pad it out with comforting thoughts and blankets of affection hand woven with my good intentions

Could I insipire just one thought of yours even though you've sparked a million different ones of mine?

You've become my muse, in love, in life and art - you've rekindled my soul and the person I had lost

You make me want to grow, to become the person that you truley deserve

I want to be there for your lows, your highs, your can we stay here for a whiles

I see your journey move in the same direction as mine - can we travel united down it's way?

Promises are empty without a follow through - so how could I do anything less for you

Let me lift you, enrich your soul, be the cause of your squint as you laugh - to have the confidence to say you're more than welcome to think of that

You make me want to have plans, to accompany you to distant lands

Get over my fears and live life more

You inspire me to live and there is no one who I would want to be around me more

[sidhedust]

OKAY, this blog is a little TOO informal so I MAY make a sideblog that's more...........PR??? I guess like. "Professional" for the VNs. It all depends though...I was just thinking that no one wants to follow a creator's blog when it's all unrelated to the main work.

I mean, like I said weeks back, Tumblr is BUILT for blogging/multimedia posting and being silly-if anything, if you aren't silly and don't draw often enough, you get LESS engagement, but I guess it's like...imagine playing a game, digging it, you go to the creator's blog, and nothing about the game can be found on the blog except the dev logs.

This is probably my cue to start Toverablogging more often instead of making a sideblog and roleplaying being professional, since that can be intimidating-so the problem is that on this blod, people can't send asks about/talk to me about/comment about a work they don't know/see enough of (as there are very few posts to even do this on to begin with), and a pro-sounding blog doesn't lend itself to fun asks and interaction (though I have seen blogs dedicated to a product get funky asks too).

Of course, part of the lack of blogging and meming about the work and world is because it's a project, and I'm focusing all of my energy into sprites and backgrounds instead of posting often...but I think I could maybe do more like...ask games? Doodle requests? Doodles for answering asks? More bait. To get the blog on topic, more fun to watch/follow and more interactable.

IDK! I'm just thinking out loud. I admit I struggle with this because to be honest, I struggle with being an active consumer-I talk mostly in tags since I hate clogging up posts (though I HIGHLY enourage you all do this to mine, I love reading the additions to mine) and for the most part I tend to look at things, make a bookmark in my mind or in my browser, and be interested without showing interest with comments, asks, all that. So when coming up with ways to present my work, I'm at a loss because I'm quieter than most people might think :[ I don't know where to even begin Toveraposting and introducing the world to my followers outside of completing the VN and getting interaction from people interested enough to start it on their end, because as of now, I can only sit here and stare at everyone autism creature style ☠️☠️☠️

[xfindingtrouble]

what’s a devil to do - harley poe || @antithcsis for percy

okay so just to be clear, i have this song on his playlist referring to the years prior to percy joining vox machina. i know the information we have about what he’s doing is pretty limited. we know he’s seeking revenge, tracking down anna ripley to the best of his ability & tearing through aything & anyone who gets in his way. i think during this time orthax has a lot of influence over him because it is the first time he’s had to grapple with such extreme rage & it’s like the Perfect Opportunity for a demon to encourage evil to be inflicted into this world. 

though percy grapples with the morality of it all a lot & fights himself on it, he also views morality as relative to the situation. he doesn’t know that the demon orthax is influence him, enouraging & tending to the darkness percy had already began to grow. but what is most terrifying to him is that he kind of likes it. he kind of likes the power in the palm of his hand, the scent of gunpowder & gore. it’s the most power he’s had since his family was killed & it’s the power he’s going to use to avenge them. so of course he gets tunnel vision. he starts hand feeding the darkest parts of himself. 

vox machina quite literally saves percy from himself. he’s still stubborn & makes hasty decisions but they encourage the good that’s always been in him. even when they’re being a bunch of assholes, they make him want to be better. even if he won’t admit this.... but that’s a different conversation entirely. i’m gonna dig into a few specific lines

I was born from an angel, she raised me properly I knew what I wasn't to do, I knew what I wasn't to see But when you reach a certain age, your destiny it comes to life So don't you bite the hand that feeds you, or it may cut you with its knife

percy was raised to be a kind kid. it was' always a super loving environment but his parents raised him to be good as they could. he was given the opportunity to thrive & grow on his own terms. he began inventing because he wanted to make life better for those around him, to help advance the technology in whitestone to the best of his ability. he knew that as a de rolo it was his responsibility to be good to his people the best way you know how to. there was always the scratch that he could use his brain for something ore devastating, but it was never his intention to use his brain to put weapons into this world. to make it more violent.

but when he got older & the briarwoods betrayed his family???? his destiny became more clear. he knew if he ever escaped he would reject those expectations of kindness. the people who taught him to serve his fellow man were dead, rotting in shallow graves if they were even alotted that decency. where percy could have become an asset to the briarwoods if they hadn’t killed his family & tortured he & his sister, instead they forge the only two people that can take them down. percy has a line in the show that is like  ‘ i am what they made me ‘ while lamenting about the cruelty it takes to exact his vengance. they tortured the kindness right out of him via meathook & co 

It permeates all through my bones I let it live, I help it grow I said my cup it runeth over, well I'm gonna let it flow So I shot a man in Indy, just to watch him die

of course as orthax gains more influence over percy, his cruelty grows. what was once a nescessity is almost sport. not saying that he is hunting people for sport but there is such control in taking a man’s life that in the moment, on occasion, he almost likes it. of course this is a sentiment he beats himself up about because he wants to make better decisions. he wants to value life. but it’s hard when you have a ps5 in your brain telling you to kill all your friends. 

the cruelty is so deeply a part of him at one point that he thinks it will always be so. so he doesn’t always fight it? not until he understands that it’s not just him. he is not the only one making these decisions. when he understands that orthax is a demon it’s the first time he considers that he can be an ok person, which is the first step to embracing good. 

There was a time when I could see My hopes and dreams, they are no more I'm not a rich man, but blessed are the poor Oh man, forgive me, I turned away I won't come back, so I'll have to pay

ahhhh yes. here is that theme i love about losing the future someone thought they were going to have & being unable to visualize a future without those hopes. he spent his whole life thinking about who he would be, who he could help, where he would fit into his family & then it’s all gone one day. his new future only goes as far as bloodshed & he has no idea what happens next. he thinks he’s the last de rolo for a long time but he is unwilling to rule. cruelty wouldn’t suit his people well & he’d already proven himself to be so. of course this perception shifts when he finds out he has a sister [ cassandra ] who survived... but until cassandra, the only plans he had were to kill. regardless of the price. but cassandra being alive changes everything, it makes him want to not only survive but live as well. but tht doesn’t change the fact that he was stuck there for soooo long. 

also the allusion to him not being rich anymore. i am constantly thinking about how he went from having endless privledge, the finest things, so much opportunity to sleeping barefoot on the icy streets because he had nowhere else to go when he escaped from the briarwoods. but there is also useful anonymity in being poor, being someone people don’t look at. blessed are the poor bcs no one is going to notice the blood spatter up their arm when fleeing a murder scene u know ??? 

I wasn't made to be their robot And I ain't nobody's foolI am the goat that got away But I know there will come a day When I'll be punished for my mind 'Cause I led myself astray I am a work of art, I know I was created down below

ahhhhh yes. yes yes yes. though the briarwoods made him he is unwilling to be used by them. he is unwilling to be a pawn. he plans to be a catalyst, the catalyst that changes their life as they were that to him. in his rage he doesn’t consider the guilt. the rest of his life he faces the consequences of making his gun, of putting forth that kind of technology into the world. it changes warfare forever when more people start making them [ ana ripley literally has a line about spreading the idea just because she knows that it will make percy FURIOUS to know people are making guns & putting more of that evil into the world ] 

but it isn’t about that when he makes his first gun. it’s about revenge, it’s about mad genius, it’s about walking the path he’d set in front of him regardless of the consequence. but there will always be a tinge of pride he has in his invention, mixed in with the guilt & everything else. he made something that was not in the world beforehand. something that has helped fell vampires, dragons, motherfucking ana ripley. though he inflicted evil onto this world it can’t be undone. so why not reclaim it? why not use it to protect the world & those he loves that live in it. 

Oh man, forgive me, I turned away I won't come back, so I'll have to payI have to pay I have to pay

while we’re on the subject of the guilt when he passes this time where he embraces the darkest parts of him, he looks back & knows how wrong he was. rage is not all a person is & he comes to understand this with a lot of healing. it doesn’t undo the things he’s made, the things he’s done but it does give him a deeper understanding & appreciation of what doing good in the world can do. what a person is capable of, regardless of what they think of themselves. no man is truly righteous, just as no man is truly evil. there is cruelty in all of us it is just a matter of deciding what to do with it. 

[todayimgonnaplay]

Today I'm Gonna Play: Red Dead Redemption 2

To be honest, I'm a GTA fan (yes I'm also excited for 6). I had 0 intention of ever playing the Red Dead series as I'm not into the Wild West, but I copped it on a whim a few years ago. Did this game change my mind about the setting? Let's find out. Spoiler: It kind of did.

This game is massive. Like REALLY massive. Both in the game world, mechanics and even the storage space. There's so much to do that you could either get excited by it all and want to try everything out, or get overwhelmed. I initially felt the former and then the latter after the novelty wore out, which made me focus on story mode after the first 10 hours of my playthrough or so. I also went on and off with this game due to performance issues but got it fixed down the lane. But anyways, this world is definitely a lot more alive than I expected. The biggest feature that got me was that you could interact with NPCs. Greet them, antagonize them, defuse the situation or rile it up even more.. I can't think of any other game that does that. And what surprised me even more were the random events. I enjoyed doing them in GTA V since a couple of the dialogue were just absolutely nuts, but RDR 2 takes it up a notch in a different way. Your actions ACTUALLY have consequences. I've had NPCs remember me for saving them, or see their life turned around (didn't experiment with being a jerk to them) which made them feel like real people. I've been in situations where it was too late to get to them, and all I was left with was a brutal, grim silence and a sense of mourning. I still remember when I was crossing by a mountain during the night, and came across a man being attacked by a wolf from afar. He was screaming in a foreign language (assuming Spanish), and I tried to aim at the wolf, but I was too late. That moment has been haunting me since then. Another great aspect is probably the elephant in the room, the story. Admittedly with my lack of interest in this kind of setting, I wasn't too hooked in the beginning. Didn't care much about the characters or even the protagonist. I'm so happy to say I was proven wrong by the second half when everything started to pick up. I don't think I've seen a better protagonist than Arthur Morgan, nor did I realize the significance of his journey and how much of an impact he can make around him based on what you do. Rockstar somehow managed to create an anti-hero so ruthless (in terms of what he does) yet so emotional. He's a great example of being imperfect, but yet tries to be better with any means possible. Arthur is one of those protagonists that I would remember for a long time, like a friend. However, I do have some nitpicks about the game. As detailed and impressive this game is, it does have some complex controls. For PC players, playing this on keyboard would be an absolute nightmare with the amount of actions in this game (but if you do play this on keyboard comfortably, hats off to you!). It seems like a game that's better designed for controllers. Even apart from multiple controls, there were times where the controls themselves were a little rough. Many times I've accidentally knocked over someone simply because the game couldn't stop me in time, or I take about 5 seconds to try to do something specific with my horse because I'm not lined up properly to trigger the action. It's a bit of a weird downgrade from previous Rockstar games.

And although this game enourages you to take it slow, there were times where I just really wanted to get to my destination asap. As much as the game is beautiful, it does give a bit of a sensory overload at times. In cases like this you would normally use fast travel, but this is only restricted to travelling from your camp (which is your base). So if you're in the middle of nowhere and far from your camp, good luck.

Nevertheless, this was the type of game that had me thinking a lot after playing. I also admittedly cried for an entire week, and no game or piece of media in general has made me cry for that long. I think it's worth trying it out even if cowboys or that particular time period are not your thing. You might end up liking it, or not. And they're both okay.

[splishsplashsploshing]

Thank you for tagging me🩷

Nickname: irl I've been saddled with Cat, Kitcat, Kitty and Tree Department as well as Lieblingsfag (credit to @rizzlejam )

Zodiac Sign: I'm a Gemini💪

Height: I think I'm about 5ft 4, I've had people insist I'm 5ft 6 but I'm about 165cm

Last thing I googled: your favourite artist's favourite arist 😉

Amount of sleep: if it's a week day or I have an activity in the morning probably 5-6 hours, If I have no obligations 8-10 hours

Dream Job: something involving Chemistry

Movie / Book that describes me the most: Not really sure, most books I read are fantasy so maybe that helps?

Favourite aesthetic: probably punk / anything that enourages you to be yourself

Favourite song: don't have an overall favourite but right now I'm loving Super Ultra Graphic Modern Girl by Chappell Roan and White Rabbit by Jefferson Airplane as well as Drink Before the War by Sinéad O'connor

Favourite Author(s): Cassandra Clare and Rick Riordan

Favourite Instrument: I love the Violin when others play it, I get too frustrated 😔

Fun Fact: I play rugby for my School and I do rowing

@rizzlejam @deakscheeseontoast

hehehe starting another tag gamee

nickname : irl i dont rlly have one?? also dont think i have one here??

zodiac sign : cancer <33

height : 5'6 (168cm maybe??)

last thing I googled: the road toll from where we stayed at the beach to home

amount of sleep: bro like 6 then i was up for a few hours then 2 more

dream job: upper high/uni teacher (specifically english and humanities) but if not idk i just wanna sit in my room with my silly little guys

movie/book that describes me the most: movie would probably be ladybird it makes me so fdahfdhalk

favorite song: atm gibson girl by ethel cain (been listening to her album recently fdhlhfald)

favorite instrument: to listen to, i lovee the sound of orchestral string instruments in pop/modern songs. to play would be drumkit or guitar

favorite aesthetics: omggg so many but i love downtown girl/rockstar girlfriend (even tho i AM the rockstar and the girlfriend ehehe)

favorite author: as of now octavia e. butler

random fun fact: my favourite potato chip flavour is sea salt and balsamic vinegar

npt <3 @zzzzzzzzzee @dandelions-fly-in-summer-skies @literatureisdying @tellme-o-muse @recklessandyoung @holdmyteaplease @strawberryloveyyy @syzygy-yzygy @svnflowermoon @ineedibuprofen @august-taylors-version @a-portal-to-nowhere @qwerty-keysmash @judeisthedude @wastedonthesebutterflies @skeelly @trying-to-be-cool-abt-it @bookscorpion73 @mandythedino @personifiedgoldenretriever @notatypicalhumanatall @isitoversnowtvs @stopurlosingme @evermore-4-life @evazlana @giveuthemo0n and anyone else that wants to join <33

[polyghostfacehours]

Headcanons eh?! Can do!!!

I like to think that Stu is the kind of guy who will try things even with the full knowledge they are bad. Sees one of his fave drink brands put out a new flavor and it sounds truly awful? Will buy it in a heart beat. "It sounds terrible-" "I know right?!" He sounds so fucking happy about it.

Will drink it and then put it down with a confident nod, "Yup, just like I thought! Garbage." Still drinks the whole thing. Waste not want not and all that. Will see awful movies and indulge in awful shit just to confirm it to himself that it's bad. Why does he do it? Who knows! Glutton for punishment maybe? Or just likes to be proven right on the smallest things even if they don't matter.

Billy does not fucking get it at all. Finds it almost maddening. "Just buy the drink you KNOW that you like man!" Stu refuses. Billy has given up fighting it after years of it being a losing battle.

On the flip side Billy being a stubborn fuck, if he tries something once and doesn't like it? Never again. Even if you and Stu try to convince him he will not relent. Would hate to try something and then realize he does like it now, would hate to be proven wrong and realize he was hating on it unfairly for potentally YEARS when he could have been enjoying it. He can't take that risk. Think of his poor pride! It annoys Stu but he turn about is fair play. "You have't had pesto since you were fucking SEVEN Billy just give it another try for FUCKS SAKE-" "Absolutely not."

Your only shot is if you both make a big show of how good it is cuz he doesn't want to be left out. But even that isn't a sure thing.

No matter how close you are to someone even after years you won't always agree on every single thing and get on each others nerves on occasion. They both agree to disagree and put up with eachother's odd habits.

Too specific? Don't care. Enjoy my weird ass headcanon!

OH MY GOD YES. YES TO ALL THESE. FUCK THESE ARE SO GOOD BEX.

This reminds me if the time I went to this novelty snack store called Rocket Fizz. They sell vintage candy brands, snacks, and drinks from anywhere from 10 years ago to, like, 100 years ago and Im not sure how they get their hands on them. One time I went to their drinks aisle and found Ranch flavored soda pop and Buffalo Wings flavored soda pop. I KNEW THEY'D BE BAD. I still bought 'em. Brought them to a party my friends and I were headed to that day. The host almost threw up from trying it lol!

Stu doing exactly that is so on brand for him, and I would absolutely enourage it.

AND YOU NAILED BILLY HERE. SPOT ON. His pride getting in the way of him trying something he didnt like before? Having to admit to hinself he was wrong and couldve enjoyed something but missed out? Fuck that. I'd absolutely make a show of how good it is with Stu, maybe feed it to each other all sappily to make him feel so left out he has to try it again now lmao.

Bring in some more guys! I love hearing your HCs!

[incorrect-dishonored-quotes]

An odd ask, but this was really cool to think about and fun to type it out! Similar questions like this are enouraged!

Corvo:

"My mark has been taken, how are you still here?"

"I can hear her...Jessamine?"

"My fears. There all there."

"I can't trust you. I can't trust anybody."

Daud:

"I know you. And I know Him. He will be no more...One day."

"Take your eyes off me!"

"I've been through too much. Nothing surprises me anymore."

"The Void...I've seen it more than anyone...I never get used to the clutching fear it brings."

Billie: (May have lines to this? I've never tried it in front of her)

"Why must you show me what I can't go back to?"

"So many names. Do you know my real one?"

"Tell me, was I really worth his mercy?"

"I know you. You are me. Always on the outside looking into a life I wish I was handed."

Alexandria Hypatia:

"No! Not again!"

"She's still down there. Looking now, I can feel her."

"I was used like you. But I am worn."

"Stop! Don't show me! Don't remind me!"

Emily:

"Amazing and inspiring. I want to know."

"You are grand. What is this pit in my stomach?"

"I can see my childlike self drawing you over and over."

"I can't see past it. I can't see past the tragedy."

Bonus: Thomas:

"I was raised in heresy, but who are you?"

"You remind me of Him. Through the cracks of Arkane Bond, I've heard His voice."

"You are more beautiful than any man or moutain I have ever seen."

"The magic I learn now will never fill the void that was the power I had all those years ago. You've shown me that.

[savehappynow]

This week, actor/executive producer Chris Meloni and co-creator/executive producer Brian Taylor took to twitter to answer questions about the status of Happy! so far. Suffice to say...it was not encouraging:

https://twitter.com/Chris_Meloni/status/1249887711399297029?s=20

https://twitter.com/theunrealBT/status/1250098616917790727?s=19

However, Brian did have these words of enouragement from his 4-part tweet:

"that said, a happy! movie or halloween special @neflix would be fucking bananas 1/4"

"there are no active talks or development of such a thing, and of course no production of any kind is happening in 2020, but you never know how the planets can align. that would be the bug to put in the collective netflix ear."

Perhaps there are some clues here (maybe not this year, but NEXT year?) and don't forget, every day is a new day...

So what do we do? We do what Happy would do; we KEEP going! Now more than ever we need to make our campaign grow stronger and stronger (and especially here on tumblr!)

First things first, everything in our campaign will continue as scheduled (letter campaign #22 is this week, phone and e-mail campaign next week), except now in addition to season 3, we now have to ask for a wrap-up movie (one preferably 2 1/2 hours in length) and use in addition of the hashtag #SaveHappy, we also use #HappyMovie2021.

Second, writing, calling, and e-mailing our contenders isn't enough anymore at this point, we need to aim HIGHER! We're taking the advice of someone who suggested a new routine to our campaign (thank you to that person by the way, you know who your are); every Friday-Sunday starting THIS week on Facebook and twitter, we will private/direct message our contenders (Syfy, Netflix, and Peacock) and tell them to save Happy! either for a 3rd season or a wrap-up movie. Don't hold back how you feel (we understand), but don't go too much.

Third, triple down our cause. People I really need all of you to keep spreading the word of our cause on all social media platforms; Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, etc. so we keep gaining attention and more help to save the cult classic series for more. Even comment in social media posts made by our contenders, let them know how much we want Happy! back even if we have to drive them crazy! Remember, trending topics, especially on twitter, are a big ally to get some hooks on the line so to speak. In addition, please join the other causes online (you'd be amazed just how many are there:

https://t.co/hmhj9jZ0ko

https://t.co/HoZiZhb9BS

https://t.co/xXga5sKGwt

https://t.co/VRSTbpHd4W

https://t.co/pwfMjrCa2E (please note, the link for this will change on occassion due to 100 use limit)

And sign Sean Taylor's petition to save the show for Netflix:

https://t.co/1n2nhuL5cn

People we really need your support on this because if we don't work together, we may never see a proper conclusion or continiuation and we, like you, know we don't want that. A world with no happy ending for Happy! is a world you or I don't want to live in. So please, do your part and spread the word now if not sooner because this show REALLY needs to be saved! Because he's Happy. He deserves it.

I'm counting on you, Happy is counting on you. Do it for him, if not me.

We got to up the antie people and that time is now! Are you with us?

#SaveHappy #HappyMovie2021

[odetoviscera]

An Update On Evils

so firstly i failed to get more screenshots bc i forgot how printscreen works. :(

fortunately evilest boy in the world, vexation, is smarter and cooler than me, so he did go on to commit many evils.

when we left off, i was making a backstabbing deal with a tyrant lord on my first approach to baldur's gate, which obviously is gonna go great for all of us. first order of business: murdering my sister.

unfortunately my sister is a doppleganger shapeshifter and she is HARASSING ME by posing as random women around the city and engaging me in conversations to try to figure me out and then when my response is inevitably something like "oh i think i'll coat the streets in blood and viscera, maybe do some light shopping" she drops the act to go AHA! FOOL! I AM THE MRUDER QUEEN! and then disappears into smoke before i can murder her as she rightly deserves. these harlequin antics do NOT reflect well on our daddy bhaal and i am ashamed of her.

also she sics a bunch of assassins on me which makes walking into public parks a nuisance.

however because she is a fucking idiot, finding her is super easy on account of her sending out MY murder cult STOLEN FROM ME to do a bunch of """artistic""" murders. my minions have clearly gotten stupider in my absence bc they're also leaving their kill lists lying around, with instructions on how to get access to the Murder Temple by doing murders and hacking off some hands. (maybe gale's hand would have come in handy-- ha-- here? alas it is currently attached to him and he just learned lightning bolt so i GUESS i'm keeping him. for now.)

anyway i swan around the city learning the lay of the land and trying to murder some people before the babiest of assassins can get around to it. i also come across a small child trying to resurrect her murdered brother in the local graveyard. (possibly i murdered him before i lost my memories! the possibilities are tantalizing.) obviously as a deranged warlock i encourage her to transgress against the laws of kelemvor and nature and teach her Dread Secrets. turns out she's a tiny necromancer prodigy bc she manages to raise the ENTIRE CEMETARY as undead. i'm charmed. i keep her alive and tell the kelemvor cleric to fuck off and stop brainwashing her. i hope she becomes a dread lich someday. i hope she becomes the new myrkul chosen. she can be part of my ruinous kingdom. mentorship program.

i eventually track down enough people to murder to get an invitation to the secret passage in a tombstone shop (subtle, guys) that leads to a Hidden Chamber where i am judged Worthy (i resist the temptation to prove it by murdering the skeleton who thinks he can judge me. i totally have self-control.) and you will NOT BELIEVE IT: SAREVOK FUCKING ANCHEV is in this room. as are the blood ghosts of several other Bhaalspawn Notables, all of whom are appropriately appreciative that i've returned. sarevok informs me that my stupid murder sister is actually his granddaughter, but in classic sarevok fashion he doesn't give a fuck and enourages me to murder her, being as i am the Most Special Bhaalspawn, created specifically and specially by daddy bhaal, unlike all these OTHER, LESSER bhaalspawn who were just a resurrection mechanic. i am the SOVEREIGN BHAALSPAWN and i will RECLAIM MY THRONE. also i get to kill a celestial elephant for some reason but whatever i'm not complaining.

step one: kill murder sister orin. i get a lovely bhaal amulet that will let me open the doors to my temple and head down into the sewers to get access to the undercity. ah, undercity, my beloved old haunt. full of dust and ghosts and assassins to murder and more assassins to fawn over me and tell me they wish i was still in charge. don't worry idiots i will be soon. you'll all get to bathe in blood and feast on flesh again.

orin wants to monologue. i want to murder. i show her that i have the SLAYER and she is RIGHTLY ALARMED. i slice her to ribbons and she LITERALLY MELTS when she dies. metal.

my butler congratulates me and then promptly gets eviscerated by divine knives so that daddy bhaal can possess his blood reflection and tell me he's SUPER proud of me and as a treat i get a slayer upgrade. alas that i don't get a ravager form, but i do get the satisfaction of a job well done and my dread father's approval so we're cooking with gas.

but before i can head back to the tyrant there are ONE OR TWO little things i want to wrap up. first up: shadowheart has some of her own cult business to handle, so we head to the hidden shar temple. turns out the high priestess there is VICONIA DEVIR. babe! beloved! you're looking wonderful! so proud of you! i mean i'm going to murder you very very much bc shadowheart wants to take over your temple, but it was nice seeing you! anyway we do that and then Shar Herself shows up to inform shadowheart that she needs to kill her parents to complete her quest to become shar's chosen. helpfully shar will let her forget doing this afterwards, so no muss no fuss no guilt no problems!

next up: astarion's vampire drama. his vampire daddy (less cool than mine) keeps sending minions to try to kidnap him to sacrifice in an infernal ritual to become vampire god, and astarion bc he is the love of my life thinks that actually HE should become the vampire god, so we head off to do that. this ends up involving the slaughter and sacrifice of Literally Seven Thousand Souls so obviously i am ALL FOR IT. MASS MURDER WITH THE BAE. the couple that slays together stays together. to prove it i let him turn me into a vampire bc fuck it why now? i'm a bhaalspawn chosen half-squid drow warlock, what is adding "vampire" to my resume going to do? (give me the ability to Bite in combat as a bonus action, so it's worth it tbh.)

there are some other MINOR quests i could do and some things the nice companions in my company want buuuut i'm tired of being nice. i want to go apeshit! (more apeshit.) so we're off to the see the tyrant, who demands i give him the macguffins i got from our dead mutual friends. i obviously do not give them to him. he says "spectacular, that was a test, you're worthy to rule beside me bestie" and i decide maybe i'll add him to my romance pile and kill him second-to-last before astarion.

that happy thought doesn't last long bc when we get to the elder brain to try to leash it properly for our conquest it promptly flash-fries his brain. real shame, he was growing me and i wanted to do the proper backstabbing. on the upside, i get to wear his clothes now!

anyway the brain almost kills everyone and my illithid boyfriend rescues us to the astral plane in the nick of time and informs me Shit Has Gotten Fucked. thanks, i gathered. the elder brain-- now fancifully titled THE NETHERBRAIN bc the crown controlling it was from netheril, which like, of course it was-- is too Synaptically Complex for me to control it on my own! alas, it is a task only a mindflayer can do. so i should give him the macguffins. or i can turn into a mindflayer myself, if i am so inclined.

reader, i gave it some serious thought. but astarion complained about the tentacle and who am i to deny my boyfriend the right to kiss my creepy murderous face. illithid boyfriend can have the macguffin. FOR NOW.

anyway when we drop back into the material plane everything is one fire and overrun by THE NETHERBRAIN's mind-controlled army, so we slog through the city to reach it. i yell at a lot of people, but i do refrain from murdering my allies, for which they should all be grateful. illithid boyfriend comes along, and before long we reach the summit of high hall and climb THE NETHERBRAIN's brainstem like the madlads we are.

as it happens, THE NETHERBRAIN has co-opted a dragon.

we kill the dragon. illithid boyfriend uses the macguffin and warps into THE NETHERBRAIN's... consciousness or something and we take turns beating it's will to death. and right as it is on the verge of destruction...

well...

daddy DID say i'm supposed to rule his murder kingdom until the last living being is snuffed out and i can slit my own throat in glorious completion of bhaal's will.

i stab illithid boyfriend. i stab him Many, Many Times. he says nothing! he just looks at me. with his squiddy orange eyes. is it hatred? regret? betrayal?

all delicious options.

i take back the macguffin. my companions are Concerned. vampire boyfriend is Alarmed, as you might expect, by this evidence that boyfriend status is not protection from murder.

"don't worry," i tell them, "you still have a place in my design."

And I Take Control Of The Netherbrain.

FOR BHAAL.

Baldur's Gate 3: The Evil Experience

on the recommendation of @leupagus: My Very Special Evil Boy, Vexation. don't worry about the blood, it's a fashion choice.

if you've been wondering how evil you can be in baldur's gate 3, wonder no more-- So Evil.

so beginning at the beginning, i of course chose the Dark Urge (obvious serial killer) origin, who is conveniently customizable, so i also made him Drow and a Lolth Worshipper and a Warlock (all of which has made him only marginally more evil, tbh, mostly the related dialogue options make him a smug bastard, although OCCASIONALLY this will give him a "hmm what if i enslaved you" option which people do indeed react to as if he's an evil maniac and they should flee and/or try to kill him. this goes great for them considering i'm the protagonist.)

i wake up on an illithid ship with no memories, as one does. i befriend a walking talking brain, by which i mean i lobotomize it so that i can more easily control and manipulate it, as one does. i may not know who i am, but i definitely know that i am powerful, mean, and more important than everyone here. also i have a great old one in my brain giving me eldritch blast, so the tadpole wriggling around in there seems normal. i crash the ship sort of accidentally and am set loose on my merry way to wrack the Sword Coast with terrible mayhem. probably. as soon as i figure out if i'm about to turn into a mindflayer.

the first sign of my uncontrollable evil mania was when i tried to talk to a squirrel in act one (actually, i tell a lie, the FIRST sign was when i was tempted to hack Gale's hand off instead of dragging him out of the portal he got stuck in, but i decided i needed a wizard more than a dismembered hand) and the narrator informed me i had been Gripped By A Compulsion and promptly dropkicked the squirrel into a tree. it died, obviously. i was given the option to decide if i cared about this and decided that my opinion was a frankly inappropriate level of malicious glee considering the heights from which i, clearly child of murder, have obviously fallen to get amnesia and get tadpoled and fall out of the sky on a dying illithid spaceship. anyway this set me up for Being Maximally Deranged, however there is No Karma Meter or any equivalent system to MEASURE your evil or limit your dialogue options-- i have free reign at all times, i COULD decide that suddenly i'm going to be a Repentant Murderer, i can do Nice Things if i want the reward or the exp or i am exercising my single scintilla of compassion accidentally inculcated by my eventual three simultaneous romances (one of which is with the mindflayer who lives in my brain/an artifact stopping ME from becoming a mindflayer. this game is so horny, very classic dnd "i roll to romance the villain". except i am also the villain.) at this point i have no romances, though-- at this point my companions watch me kick a squirrel to death and their collective response is "well… that seemed… excessive."

i also have the option to tell every single one of them individually that i am driven by a blood mania to murder and destruction. opinions of this range from "well admitting you have a problem is the first step!" to "that's nice, just point it at the enemy instead of ME". no one seems appropriately concerned about this. they'll learn.

anyway the next sign of my uncontrollable evil mania is that when i decided to be nice to a bard for no reason and she showed up at our next long rest to Join The Party (oh we do get a bard companion, that's nice, i said, like a fool.) i promptly murdered her in the night. as in i woke up covered in blood with her corpse ritually slaughtered at my feet and said "hm. probably shouldn't let anyone else find out i did this" and then sulked when no one gave me proper respect and rewards for murdering her. fortunately the next day my Evil Butler materialized to do just that, and proved he wasn't a figment of my imagination by giving me an Evil Cloak that lets me turn invisible everytime i murder someone. i spend the next half an act or so convinced i'm going to slowly kill off my party, but fortunately i develop the ability to control myself. now i only murder when I WANT to murder.

the rest of act one i am SORT OF a good boy-- i do deliberately get a child killed but i don't PERSONALLY kill her, i get a druid's snake to do it, so does it really count against MY soul? yes but only me and daddy bhaal know it so i am able to continue playing Goody Two Shoes for the rest of the act. (i don't know he's my daddy yet, but like… i know it. i, the player, know it. in my soul. i've played these games before.) delightful fallout, my child murder gets the druid killed after i Helpfully Save The Tieflings by telling the opposing force i'll totally help them break in and kill them all, then betraying them at the last minute. i kill so so so many goblins. i get an inspiration point for how many goblins i kill. goblins are still sentient. It's Still Murder.

act two, however, empowered by all my Blood And Chaos, i turn over a new leaf. sure sure being lauded by the tieflings was fun and all, but i do somewhat regret not killing EVERYONE. i'll do better this time. this shadow-cursed hellscape is really vibing with me. it's also trying to eat me every time i'm not carrying a magic lamp but you can't win 'em all. i pretend that i'm with the antagonists (can you call them villains when I'M the villain?) so i can get their lamp. it's carried by a drider who does not appreciate my sincere compliments about how beautifully fucked up he is. his loss, i'm down to fuck anyone. i'm already fucking a githyanki and a vampire spawn.

when i get to the Big Bad Tower where supposedly they'll know about my tadpole, i discover they know something WAY MORE IMPORTANT: who the fuck i am. everyone here recognizes me. no one will tell me anything. several of them are appropriately terrified. this is infuriating but also promising. the Big Bad is a smug dick and i want to eat his heart raw. i daydream about this.

my butler arrives to tell me if i murder a Special Girl i'll get a treat. i like treats and i LOVE murder so i go looking for her. she's maintaining a Magic Selenite Moon Shield over the single not-shadow-cursed place here, which i hate on principle-- also it's a harper outpost and i hate them too, they'd probably disapprove of murder. some rando minion with wings drops in to tell me the Big Bad of the region wants to kidnap her (ALIVE, he specifies) so obviously i now double want to kill her. i kill her in one round. the magic shield collapses. EVERYONE dies (including the tieflings i saved in act one! full circle.) and then i kill their shadow-cursed undead corpses again, for good measure.

my treat is getting to turn into the slayer. i KNEW i was a bhaalspawn.

behold my true glorious visage. (with blep.) my only complaint is that i can only become this hulking death machine once per long rest. it is, however, not a turn-limited form, i can stay in it Forever if no one kills me as long as i'm willing to Just Murder No Talking. also it has a spectacular ladder-climbing animation, this bitch goes down ladders face-down like a lizard, i love him.)

anyway i don't go back to the Big Bad Tower bc presumably they'll be mad about the dead girl (i'm guessing she's Big Bad's dead daughter miraculously resurrected. i'm totally right by the way.) but the last time i was there i got a quest to find the Big Bad's Relic, which is obviously his phylactery or something since he's got a whole death aesthetic-- after a whole Temple of Shar sequence it turns out his phylactery is a captive aasimar actually. my companion wants to murder her for shar-related reasons, so i give her the go-ahead since i don't have any SPECIAL reason to kill her myself. my companions should get to be evil occasionally too.

with his phylactery dead, it's pretty easy to mow through the Big Bad Tower, especially since i can now turn into the Death Machine. i don't have to talk to anyone here. i can Just Murder.

nearly kill the Big Bad but he flees to his basement, where it turns out there's an mindflayer colony, big deal, we've all got tadpoles in our brains (i've been eating other tadpoles for extra power along the way, because of course i have) okay fine it's a slightly big deal bc there's an elder brain here that my Special Mindflayer Friend is shielding us from whatever. it's under the control of the Big Bad who's death aesthetic turns out to be that he's the Chosen of Myrkul, and also here are reps of the other Dead Three, Bane and My Daddy. i hate bhaal's chosen on sight, as is traditional for a bhaalspawn. i will murder her someday. i will murder her SO GOOD.

unfortunately she and the baneite fuck off with their elder brain to lay siege to baldur's gate while i'm daydreaming about it, so for now all i get to murder is Big Bad Myrkul Edition. moderately satisfying. he turns in an Avatar of Myrkul in the second half but i destroy him so quickly he doesn't even get to regenerate with the hojillion corpses in the area. nobody murders like vexation.

off to baldur's gate to save the city/get bigger hunting grounds!

i do cure the shadow curse on my way out though, because i'm never coming back and i've left the place a blighted wasteland, why not, it gets me a pet druid.

there's also some drama with githyanki and vlaakith, as usual, turns out the Rebel Prince Orpheus is actually how my particular mindflayer (who is finally revealing that he's a mindflayer, a thing i have suspected all along because of all the psychic shit he does) is doing the shielding, etc. etc. also i let my mindflayer boyfriend turn me in a half-illithid, which means i get no tentacles but a BUNCH of new mindflayer powers to make me an even better murderer. can't wait to see who wins in the tug-of-war for my mind, body, and soul--the illithids, my great old one beyond the stars, a devil who keeps trying to get my attention, my vampire boyfriend who wants to ascend to vampire god, or Murder Daddy. my bet is murder daddy.

anyway we get to baldur's gate, where i break in bc i don't want any guards to know i'm here-- just jumped and flew my way up the side of the bridge past the checkpoint. easy peasy now that i have illithid flight powers on command no cooldowns just Psychically Levitate wherever i want to go. also i can turn into a displacer beast. that's right, i now have to option to become TWO DIFFERENT terrifying horror beasts and rip through mobs like papier-mache. my patron really needs to keep up, warlock powers are falling behind. (no they aren't, i've hit level 10 and can now eldritch blast three times in one round and every hit knocks enemies back and terrifies them. i'm gonna chew this city up and swallow it one bite.)

however, first thing when i get into the citadel: the baneite is being coronated Archduke, bc of course he is. so i head up to see if there's a chance to murder him and a room full of peers, BUT. for the first time EVER-- this little shit is willing to tell me Who I Am. Assassin of Bhaal, former high priest of His Temple, and ONE OF THE INVENTORS OF THIS CONQUEST PLAN. that little bhaalite chosen is my bhaalspawn sister (obviously) who fucking tadpoled me, gave me amnesia, and discarded me before making sure my corpse was cold. this will be a mistake! FOR HER.

in the meantime the baneite wants me to know that he is a big fan of mine, would i like to murder my sister since i already murdered the myrkulite, and then he and i can rule this city together with an iron grip and a blood knife, since he's sure he'll have a lot of use for an assassin as a tyrant. mind-reading and my brain-illithid agree that he is actually on the level about this, at least for the moment, so of course i agree. i will rule this city. and then i will murder him. and then i will murder EVERYONE. in THE WORLD.

so now i'm hunting the current chosen of bhaal so i can kill her and steal her place-- my butler is sending me divine visions of it, SHE can't turn into the slayer, i am evil daddy's favourite. she's also kidnapped one of my companions and is threatening to kill her if i show up but i care about that less.

and that's where i am so far! will report on Future Evils.

[woman-of-destiny]

Ruth 1:15-17

The life of the godly is not a straight line to glory, but they get there. All along this hazardous, twisted road that doesn't let you see very far ahead there are frequent signs that says, "The best is yet to come.

The story of Ruth is a series of setbacks. Ruth chapter one speaks of how Naomi her husband and her two sons were forced to leave their homeland in Judah on account of famine. Then Naomi's husband dies. Her sons marry Moabite women and for ten years they prove to be barren. And then her sons die leaving two widows in the house of Naomi.

Fast forward. ......

The book of Ruth was written to help us see the signposts of the grace of God in our lives, and help trust his grace even when the clouds are so thick that we can't see the road let alone the signs on the side. First, when Naomi's 's whole life seemed to cave in while in moab, it was God who gave Ruth to Naomi. We know this from two verses

Ruth 1:16

We learn that at the root of Ruth's commitment to Naomi is Ruth's commitment to Naomi 's God :" Your God shall be my God. " God had won Ruth's allegiance in moab and so it was to God that Naomi owed the amazing love for her daughter in law. Also in Ruth 2:12 it says that when Ruth came to Judah with Naomi, she was coming to take refuge under the wings of God.

Therefore it is owing to God that Ruth left her home and her family to follow and serve Naomi. All along it was God turning Naomi's setback into joy even when she was oblivious to his grace. Naomi herself gives the impression that there is no hope that Ruth could marry and raise children to continue the family line. But all the while God is preserving a wealthy and godly man named Boaz to do just that.

The reason we know that this was God's doing is that Naomi herself admits it in Ruth 2:20.she recognises that behind the " accidental" meeting of Ruth and Boaz was the"kindness of God who has not forsaken the living or dead. " This tells me in every loss that the godly endure God is already plotting for their gain.

It was God who was at work in the bitter setbacks of Naomi. When she lost her husband and sons, God gave her Ruth. When she could think no kinsman to raise up offspring for the family name, God gave her Boaz.

When barren Ruth married Boaz, God gave them a child. It's encouraging to know as I had mentioned earlier that the life of the godly is not a straight line to glory, but God sees they get there. If the story of Ruth just ended in a little Judean village with an old grandmother hugging a new grandson, glory would be too big a word. The bible says Ruth's child Obed was the father of Jesse and Jesse was the father of David.

All of a sudden we realize that all along something far greater has been in the offing than we could imagine. God was not only plotting for the temporal blessing of a few Jews in Bethlehem.

He was preparing for the coming of the greatest king that Israel would have, David. And the name David carries with it the hope of the Messiah, peace, righteousness, freedom from the pain and crying and grief and guilt. This is a great river of hope.

I don't know what you have been through but like the story of Ruth and Naomi, though it started in alot of pain, the ending was not only sweet but very great. No matter the circumstances you find yourself in, be enouraged to know that God is orchestrating things to work in your favour. Hold on help is on the way.

Have a great Tuesday

Z