#don’t u js love charles.

[unpaidnapper]

Charles: Edwin, my hands are cold.

Edwin: *Holds Charles’ hand*

Charles: …

Charles: You know, my mouth is actually cold, too.

Edwin: *Covers Charles’ mouth with his other hand*

Charles: *Muffled* Jokes on you, really. I’m kind of into this.

[thehandflextm]

My Immortal...but make it Pride and Prejudice

For my final project, I decided to rewrite My Immortal (the infamous fanfiction) as if the original author were writing a Pride and Prejudice fanfiction instead of a Harry Potter one! I do not own My Immortal nor do I own Pride and Prejudice! Basically none of this is my original text, all credit goes to Tara Gilesbie and Jane Austen.

Chapter 1.

AN: Special fangz (get it, coz Im goffik) 2 my gf (ew not in that way) raven, bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da story and spelling. U rok! Justin ur da luv of my deprzzing life u rok 2! Dis stry is like if lizzy wuz goth so itz nut boring! MCR ROX!

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Hi my name is Lizzy Dark’ness Dementia Raven Bennet and I have long curly brown hair with purple streaks and red tips that reaches my mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people tell me I look like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). I’m a vampire but my teeth are straight and white. I have pale white skin. I live in a town called Longbourn with my parents, my three younger sisters, and one older sister (I’m twenty). I’m a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and I wear mostly black. For example today I was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. I was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow. I was walking outside Longbourn. It was snowing and raining so there was no sun, which I was very happy about. A lot of preps stared at me. I put up my middle finger at them.

“Hey Lizzy!” shouted a voice. I looked up. It was…. Fitzwilliam Darcy!

“What’s up Mr. Darcy?” I asked.

“Nothing.” he said shyly.

But then, I heard my sisters call me and I had to go away.

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AN: IS it good? PLZ tell me fangz!

Chapter 2.

AN: Fangz 2 bloodytearz666 4 helpin me wif da chapta! BTW preps stop flaming ma story ok!

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The next day I woke up in my bedroom. It was snowing and raining again. I opened the door of my coffin and drank some blood from a bottle I had. My coffin was black ebony and inside it was hot pink velvet with black lace on the ends. I got out of my coffin and took of my giant MCR t-shirt which I used for pajamas. Instead, I put on a black leather dress, a pentagram necklace, combat boots and black fishnets on. I put on four pairs of earrings in my pierced ears, and put my hair in a kind of messy bun.

My sister, Jane (AN: Raven dis is u!) woke up then and grinned at me. She flipped her long waist-length blond hair with pink streaks and opened her forest-green eyes. She put on her Marilyn Manson t-shirt with a black mini, fishnets and pointy high-heeled boots. We put on our makeup (black lipstick white foundation and black eyeliner.)

“OMFG, I saw you talking to Mr. Darcy yesterday! Did you know he has ten thousand a year?!” she said excitedly.

“Yeah? So?” I said, blushing.

“Do you like Mr. Darcy?” she asked as we left our shared bedroom and went downstairs.

“No I so fucking don’t!” I shouted.

“Yeah right!” she exclaimed. Just then, Mr. Darcy knocked on the door! One of the servants opened the door and he  walked up to me.

“Hi.” he said.

“Hi.” I replied flirtily.

“Guess what.” he said.

“What?” I asked.

“Well, Charles Bingley and I are hosting a ball at Netherfield Park” he told me.

“Oh. My. Fucking. God!” I screamed. I love going to balls!. Dancing is my favorite thing to do, besides reading or walking or drinking blood.

“Well…. do you want to go with me?” he asked.

I gasped.

Chapter 3.

AN: STOP FLAMMING DA STORY PREPZ OK I KNO THEY DIDNT HV GOFF CLOSE N 1800S!! I JS WNT THEM TO BE GOHT! odderwize fangs 2 da goffik ppl 4 da good reveiws! FANGS AGEN RAVEN!.

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On the night of the ball I put on my black lace-up boots with high heels. Underneath them were ripped red fishnets. Then I put on a black leather minidress with all this corset stuff on the back and front. I put on matching fishnet on my arms. I straightened my hair and made it look all spiky. I felt a little depressed then, so I slit one of my wrists. I read a depressing book while I waited for it to stop bleeding. I painted my nails black and put on TONS of black eyeliner. Then I put on some black lipstick. I didn’t put on foundation because I was pale anyway. I drank some human blood so I was ready to go to the ball.

I went outside. Mr. Darcy was waiting there in front of his carriage. He was wearing a his normal fancy clothes and a little eyeliner (AN: A lot fo kewl boiz wer it ok!).

“Hi Mr. Darcy!” I said in a depressed voice.

“Hi Lizzy.” he said back. We walked into hisblack carriage and drove to NetherfieldWhen we got there, we both hopped out of the carriage. We went to the dance floor and danced together.

“That violinist is so fucking hot.” I said to Mr. Darcy, pointing to him as he played, filling the room with his amazing music.

Suddenly Mr. Darcy looked sad.

“What’s wrong?” I asked as we moshed to the music. Then I caught on.

“Hey, it’s ok I don’t like him better than YOU!” I said.

“Really?” asked Mr. Darcy sensitively and he put his arm around me all protective.

“Really.” I said. “Besides I don’t even know him and he’s not even rich.” I said disgustedly.

The night went on really well, and I had a great time. So did Mr. Darcy. After the ball, we drank some wine Mr. Darcy and I crawled back into the carriage, but Mr. Darcy didn’t go back to Longbourn, instead he drove the carriage into……………………… the forest!

Chapter 4.

AN: I sed stup flaming ok lizzy’s name is LZIZY nut mary su OK! DARCY IS SOO IN LUV wif her dat he is acting defrent! dey nu eechodder b4 ok!

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“MR. DARCY!” I shouted. “What the fuck do you think you are doing?”

Darcy didn’t answer but he stopped the flying car and he walked out of it. I walked out of it too, curiously.

“What the fucking hell?” I asked angrily.

“Lizzy?” he asked.

“What?” I snapped.

Mr. Darcy leaned in extra-close and I looked into his gothic red eyes (he was wearing color contacts) which revealed so much depressing sorrow and evilness and then suddenly I didn’t feel mad anymore.

And then…………… suddenly just as I Mr. Dacry kissed me passionately. Darcy climbed on top of me and we started to make out keenly against a tree. He took of my top and I took of his clothes. I even took of my bra. Then he put his thingie into my you-know-what and we did it for the first time.

“Oh! Oh! Oh! ” I screamed. I was beginning to get an orgasm. We started to kiss everywhere and my pale body became all warm. And then….

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING YOU MOTHERFUKERS!”

It was…………………………………………………….Mr. Bennet!

Chapter 5.

AN: shjt up prepz ok! PS I wnot update ubtil u give me goood revows!

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The next day I woke up in my coffin. I put on a black miniskirt that was all ripped around the end and a matching top with red skulls all over it and high heeled boots that were black. I put on two pairs of skull earrings, and two crosses in my ears. I spray-painted my hair with purple.

In the breakfast room, I ate some Count Chocula cereal with blood instead of milk, and a glass of red blood. Suddenly someone bumped into me. All the blood spilled over my top.

“Bastard!” I shouted angrily. I regretted saying it when I looked up cause I was looking into the pale white face of a gothic boy with spiky black hair with red streaks in it. He was wearing so much eyeliner that I was going down his face and he was wearing black lipstick. He was wearing red contact lenses just like Mr Darcy’s. He had a manly stubble on his chin. He had a sexy English accent. He looked exactly like Joel Madden. He was so sexy that my body went all hot when I saw him kind of like an erection only I’m a girl so I didn’t get one you sicko. He was here with some other officers to visit my sister, Lydia.

“I’m so sorry.” he said in a shy voice.

“That’s all right. What’s your name?” I questioned.

“My name’s George Wickham, although most people call me Vampire these days.” he grumbled.

“Why?” I exclaimed.

“Because I love the taste of human blood.” he giggled.

“Well, I am a vampire.” I confessed.

“Really?” he whimpered.

“Yeah.” I roared.

We sat down to talk for a while. Then Mr. Darcy came up behind me and told me he had a surprise for me so I went away with him.

Chapter 6.

AN: stop flaming ok! i skipped time cuz the middle is boring lul so jus pretnd it al happned!MCR ROX!

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I was trying to sleep when suddenly, an horrible woman with beady eyes and wrinkly skin and everything started knocking on the door! She was wearing all black but it was obvious she wasn’t gothic. It was…… Lady Catherine de Bourgh!

“No!” I shouted in a scared voice but then Lady Catherine grabbed my arm and I couldn’t run away.

“Let me go!” I shouted at her and scratched her arm. Lady Catherine fell on her but and started to scream. I felt bad for her even though I’m a sadist so I stopped.

“Lizzy.” she yelled. “Thou must not marry Fitzwilliam Darcy!”

I thought about Mr. Darcy and his sexah eyes and his black hair. I remembered that Mr. Wickham had said that Mr. Darcy was evel, but he told me himself it was all Wickham’s fault!

“No! Please!” I begged.

“Thou must!” she yelled. “If thou does not, then I shall tell everyone about how Lydia and Wickhma had sex before marriage !”

“How did you know?” I asked in a surprised way.

Lay Catherine got a dude-ur-so-retarded look on her face. “Everyone thinks that already.” she answered cruelly. “And if you doth marry Darcy, then thou know what will happen to your sister!” she shouted. Then she ran away angrily.

I was so scared and mad I didn’t know what to do. Suddenly Dracy came into the house.

“Mr. Darcy!” I said. “Hi!”

“Hi.” he said back but his face was all sad. He was wearing white foundation and messy eyeliner kind of like a pentagram (geddit) between Joel Madden and Gerard Way.

“Are you okay?” I asked.

“No.” he answered.

“I’m sorry I got all mad at you but I thought you were mean to Mr. Wickham.” I expelled.

“That’s okay.” he said all depressed “Will you mary me?”

“Yes!!” i said exitedly and we went back into Longbourn together making out.

Chapter 7

AN: well I hav noffing 2 say but evrt1 stup glamming ok!!111 if any gofik ppl r reading dis den u rok!!!11 omfg im leeving dubya pretty soon kant wait!!! Diz wil prolly be da last chaptah until I kum bak.

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Mr. Darcy and I went to Jan’e swedding to Mr. Bingley and we were all happy and clapped when they kissed! Even tho I’m goth, I stil love my sister and am glad she’s happy. Mr. Darcy and I announced our engagement and everyone was happy. My mom fainted with hpapiness because she knew he was rich lolz. My dad didn’t want tme to marry him at first bcuz he though Drayc was meant to me but I told him i loved him so it wuz ok.

Whe got married and i wore al black corest, red fishnets on my legs and purple fishnets on my arms ,a blakc lace vail, and a lether black skirt. Mr Darcy told me I was beautiful and now we’re married!

[newagesispage]

                                                                        OCTOBER 2017

 *****The beautiful dino, Sue will be moved to her own gallery in Chicago’s field museum. New to her long fixed spot will be a cast of patagotitan mayorum, the biggest dinosaur ever found.

*****Richard Thomas is selling his NY midtown coop for $2,995,000 and is located at 7th Ave. and w. 58th.

*****California is waiting for Jerry Brown to sign a bill that bans puppy mills.

*****WWF has released wild tigers back into Kazakhstan. Scimitar horned oryx were released into the Sahara desert and indigo snakes were reintroduced into Florida.

*****Toys “R” Us has filed for bankruptcy.

*****Tom Price, health and human services secretary, has resigned after hic charter flight scandal.

*****After 50 years Rolling Stone may be up for sale.

*****Doc Martin is back on Acorn for series 8.

*****As social media has been telling us, we don’t need a border wall. Tourism is down about $37 billion. Thanks Trump!

*****Trump supporters don’t seem to like him fraternizing with the Dems and waffling on DACA. They have been burning their red hats but scary clown already got the money for selling them so what does he care. Anne Coulter wonders if there is anybody left who does not want Trump impeached.** Some states are suing over DACA.

*****”Holes separate men and women.”- Billy Connolly

*****The dreamer program has been signed away. The Deferred Action for Children’s Arrival has been handed to congress for 6 months to deal with. The administration says it violates the rule of law.

*****The Peoria Blues and Heritage fest went off without a hitch. The weather was perfect and we should all be looking at the Jamiah Rogers band, these guys are fucking awesome. John Butler checked them out before his own set and was great with his fans.

*****Bill Withers has his first solo record since 1985 with a cover of (You’ve been quite a doll) Raggedy Ann.

*****In this country, a woman dies every 2 hours of cervical cancer because of improper health care.

*****Can I just say that I do not want to see reporters in the middle of hurricanes. Can they just stay safe in a room and fix a camera outside? I would much rather see different angles of the storm and see no people out there.  It was often impossible to hear then anyway.  The communication between the studio and location was fucked up and did not help anyway. It also seemed like they showed an awful lot of Shell stations. JS

*****An estimated 70 million Americans saw the fake Russian ads during the campaign.  No impact??

*****The Stones are on their No Filter tour in Europe and they brought out ‘Dancin with Mr. D’ which hasn’t been played live since 1973.

*****Trumps lawyers seem to want Jared out.

*****Steve Bannon’s Great Great Grandfather was an immigrant from Ireland who needed no papers to get in this country.

*****Montgomery , Alabama is going to open a Museum of lynching.  There is a wall lined with jars of dirt that were collected from sites of lynching’s from around the country.  Very powerful.

*****Thanks Trump administration for removing references to ‘LGBTQ’ youth from a federal program for victims of sex trafficking. It also eliminates funding to international groups that provide abortions. This comes from mostly evangelical lobbyists who are reporting that they are having more discussions  with this administration than they ever had with any President.

*****Vanity Fair has their best dressed list out which includes Harry Styles, Rihanna, Solange, Jack Schlossberg, Justin Trudeau, Janelle Monae, Dev Patel, Cate Blanchett, Zoe Kravitz, Ruth Negga, and Donald Glover. The hall of fame mentioned Lauren Hutton, Jeremy irons and Prince Phillip.

*****More police brutality against the black man with the subduing of the Seahawks Michael Bennett for no apparent reason.

*****Leslie Van Houten has again been granted parole. As last year she is waiting out the 120 days to get the word from Gov. Jerry Brown.

*****Lovin’ Greg Garcia’s The Guest book on TBS. What is not to love about seeing Charles Robinson and Carly Jibson again.  It made my day to see guest Orson Bean!!

*****The U.S. office of government ethics has changed a policy that will now allow lobbyists to donate to staffers legal defense funds.

*****Cameras have taken the first pictures of white giraffes in Kenya.

*****The Simpsons will be going to New Orleans this season!

*****The Middle is starting its last season. We will miss U!

*****Jay Pharoah has a new show on Showtime. White Famous is loosely based on the life of Jamie Foxx who is the executive producer.

*****John Davis Washington, son of Denzel may head the cast of Black Klansman. Spike Lee will direct and Jordan Peele will produce the true story of an African American who in 1978 infiltrated the KKK. Ron Stallworth used phones and his own writing to communicate with the organization. When he had to appear in person he sent a white officer in his place. They were able to sometimes sabotage cross burnings and other activities.

*****IT just had the biggest horror movie opening ever. The acting is quite nice for chapter 1 but the ending a bit long.

*****Netflix is bringing a delicious doc : Jim and Andy  The great beyond featuring a very special contractually obligated mention of Tony Clifton. Spike Jonze is producing with the hundred  hours of footage from Man on the Moon. ** Other new docs on the way look at Eric Clapton, Grace Jones and Sammy Davis Jr. It is the first time that Kim Novak will talk on camera about dating Sammy.

*****September 16 brought the Juggalos march on Washington. They have been bringing awareness about their gang designation and the harm that it has caused. The running man with a hatchet is considered a gang symbol and gives cops probable cause to search. The FBI labeled Juggalos a hybrid gang in 2011. Also marching were some of the alt right calling their march the mother of all rallies but it only produced about 500 people.

*****Treasury secretary Steven Mnuchin requested use of a government jet for his honeymoon and he later withdrew that request.

*****Finally there was a confirmation from a charity that Trump claims to have given to after the Hurricanes. Direct relief received 25 thou. ** There have still been no charities that received money from the inauguration fund.

*****WGN is bringing us a new show called Bellevue.

*****Howard Buffett will be the new Sheriff of Macon county in Illinois. His father Warren had donated millions to the area.

*****Prophets of Rage are here to raise awareness with members of Cypress Hill, Rage against the Machine and Public Enemy.

*****LA summer Olympics in 2028?!

*****Sean Spicer landed on Jimmy Kimmel. Wow.. What a kiss ass whiny bitch. He tried hard to stay in Trumps good graces with compliments for the Pres and constant berating of the press. He reminded me of a ventriloquist dummy with a hand up his ass.** His cameo at the Emmy’s did not go over very well either.

***** Model Monroe Bergdorf was fired by L’oreal because of her anti- racist remarks.  She has now been hired by Illamasqua.

*****Boycott Dragon Dumps! Don’t pay your bill on time and the owner dumps garbage on your lawn.

*****It looks like Trevor Noah will stay with the Daily show until at least 2022.

*****James Woods used his twitter account to try and shame a movie about a gay romance between a 17 year old and a 24 year old. Amber Tamblyn tweeted that Woods had hit on her for real when she was only 16.

*****Scientists are trying to bring back the chelonoidis elephantopus Galopagos turtles. 80 blood samples of modern day island turtles have genetic traces of the lost species. Even though they have been extinct for 160 years, scientists think they can reproduce though not to 100%. Could they reverse the negative effects that humans cause in the environment?

***** Why do bullies feel the need to use the art of artists who want nothing to do with them? It is like using ‘You can’t always get what you want’ for Trump when there are plenty of artists who agree with you that would love for you to use their art. Now Universal music and American recordings had to send a cease and desist letter to the white supremacist site Stormfront to stop using Johnny Cash’s version of ‘I won’t back down.’ The host blames the Jews.

*****Tru tv will bring us At home with Amy Sedaris.

*****North Dakota paleontologists have been uncovering so many bones that they are inviting the public to help.  It sounds like a dream come true.

*****Paul Newman is Jake Gyllenhaal’s Godfather. JS

*****St. Louis exploded into protest with yet another acquittal of a police officer after the shooting of a black man, Anthony Lamar Smith. Peoria, Il is also dealing with the shooting of an alleged bank robber who was shot 18 times.

*****The NFL is standing together in solidarity for equality and scary clown is sniping at them like a bitch. Our leader would not know respect and maturity if it bit him in the ass.** The Packers asked their fans to stand arm in arm with them on their Thursday night game with the Bears. Respect to Aaron Rodgers and the guys for speaking out before the game on equality. Some ‘fans’ are burning their Packer stuff. ..  Why do these Trump supporters always want to burn everything? Do they have any idea how racist and ridiculous that looks?

*****Veep is going to bring us their last season while Julia is battling breast cancer. Joe Biden tweeted that us Veeps must stick together to show his support.

*****The Emmy’s with Stephen Colbert have come and gone. My best dressed were Ellie Kemper, Jessica Biel, Michelle Pfeiffer, Susan Sarandon, Leslie Jones, Matthew Rhys, Claire Foy, Evan Rachel Wood ,Gabrielle Union, Donald Glover, Emmy Rossum, Zoe Kravitz, Nicole Kidman and Julia- Louis Dreyfus. My worst dressed were Uzo Aduba, Debra Messing, Anna Farris, Tracee Ellis Ross and Prianka Chopra. I love Sarah Paulson and the back of her dress was great but …?? There was so much black fabric which was awesome. Was it mourning for the earthquake and hurricane victims or just a general sadness for the country?  Whatever the reason.. hooray black!!**Also happy that hairstyles were mostly long and loose.** I was happy to see Laura Dern win for supporting actress in a limited series or movie. ** The Handmaids tale won for show, directing and writing , for Anne Dowd who looked more shocked and appreciative than I have ever seen and Elisabeth Moss. ** I was happy for Alec Baldwin for best supporting actor but was really routing for Louie Anderson. ** When the noms came out, I could not imagine anything beating out FEUD but everything did. ** The girls from 9 to 5 stole the show with their mention of a sexist, egotistical, lying, hypocritical bigot. ** Donald Glover won for directing and acting. **Alexander Skarsgard won which gave he and his brother quite a week. ** John Oliver won two and he again flew in his whole staff. ** Julia- Louis Dreyfus has now won the most Emmys for the same character in the same show. Veep got best comedy.**It was a wonderful moment when Carol Burnett and Norman Lear came out but DeNiro looked so disinterested.** Cicely Tyson has often been described as a bit of a diva and seemed a bit out of it on the broadcast but her counterpart saved the day.** So sad that Bob Odenkirk did not win but kudos to sterling K. Brown. They seemed to play him off too quickly while Nicole Kidman and big little lies had all the time in the world.

*****Bobby Moynihan stars in the new  ‘Me Myself and I’ on CBS.

*****Word is that the Trump campaign is asking supporters to contribute money to build the wall.

*****Can we pay a little more attention to Puerto Rico? Why is the Pres giving them grief? Things were tough enough before the devastation. Puerto Rico has no bankruptcy and running a business is so costly there. Companies there must buy American which we don’t have to do.  Forty percent of residents don’t have insurance. So many of the supplies sent to help are just sitting there in San Juan.

*****Angela Merkel has won a 4th term as German chancellor.

*****Singapore got their first female President, Halimah Yacob. She was the only candidate.

*****There was a settlement in a lawsuit against Club Cabaret. Dancers sued to be employees instead of individual contractors. The dancers won a million and cost of legal fees.

*****Art Garfunkel has a memoir/diary/ book of musings out called ‘What is it all but luminous.’

*****The personal account of Ted Cruz hit ‘like’ on a porn site on 9/11. He calls it a mistake by a staffer. A college roommate of Cruz said that he was not surprised.

*****After a tweet from the Pres about hitting Hil with a golf ball, Stephen King tweeted: Thinks hitting a woman with a golf ball and knocking her down is funny. Myself, I think it indicates a severely fucked up mind.

*****Brooklyn 99 is back and funnier than ever with the same great cast and opening.

*****Bill Maher and Jimmy Kimmel are rated number 1 of tv personalities based on Facebook, Instagram, twitter et al.

*****R.I.P Richard Anderson, Walter Becker, Don Williams, David Tang, Troy Gentry, Murray Lerner, Mexico’s earthquake victims, those lost to hurricane Irma, Frank Vincent, Len Wein, Grant Hart, Harry Dean Stanton, Michelle Rounds, Bonnie Angelo, Hugh Hefner, Jake La Motta, Eddie Russell Jr., Edith Windsor, Tony Booth and Monty Hall.

ȅ

[junker-town]

THIS WEEK IN SCHADENFREUDE, where Oklahoma State fans call for Mike Gundy’s mullet’s job

Also in the weekly roundup of post-Saturday internet angst: a dying man wishes for Arkansas to fire Bret Bielema, and Florida State fans want their .800-winning-percentage coach gone.

College football’s Week 4 was busy. It didn’t have any colossal upsets, but it had some surprises and a few brushes with chaos. Here’s how the internet responded, seen through the lens of five defeated fanbases whose online scenes I’ve toured.

Oklahoma State

Lost to TCU, 44-31, in a home upset. Someone proposed drastic consequences: the cleaving of head coach Mike Gundy’s immaculate mullet, a fixture since last year.

Let’s begin at the OrangePower.com message boards.

Thread: Time To Cut The Mullet, Coach

Okay. We get it. The Mullet took started as a joke, then took on a life of it's own.

That's great marketing --- when you're undefeated and riding the crest of a popularity wave.

But now you've gotten you a** kicked on national tv. You were beotch-slapped by a better game day coach that took you and your team to the woodshed.

The score was closer, but the game was a disaster.

But this isn’t strictly punitive. The poster thinks Gundy could stand to focus more on other things more productive to OSU’s mission if he gets rid of the haircut:

So, it's time to take a new focus -- one on the team not on your current media popular hairstyle.

Trim the mullet. Put the attention on improving the defense instead of your hair and lifestyle. The public loves it when you're winning, but when you're losing -- it doesn't care.

It was fun while it lasted, but now it's time to cut the damn thing.

This suggestion was met with widespread agreement. One poster couldn’t believe Gundy had lost to “a stupid visor wearing mf’er” like TCU coach Gary Patterson.

Someone sums it up:

Time to be business in the front, and back.

Another Pokes fan thinks Gundy needs to stop hunting turtles.

We’ve known for a while that Gundy hunts rattlesnakes:

Rattlesnake hunt in Okeene, OK with Todd and Wild Bill. http://pic.twitter.com/0SqWb9LxFk

— Mike Gundy (@CoachGundy) March 17, 2017

But a few weeks back, Gundy said he likes hunting turtles, too.

“They’re really good. When they know you get around them, they jump in the water,” Gundy said. “And so you got to kind of sneak up on them a little bit. At my place, we have quite a few of those off-road vehicles, called Gators. And so they’re accustomed to the sound of the Gator. So if you drive a Gator by, they won’t move. They’ll stay there. But if you walk up on them, you can’t very close to them because they’re too smart. They’ll jump in the water. So we used the Gators as our friend and try to keep as many turtles as we can out of the ponds because they eat your fish.”

Thread: How about a little less turtle hunting

and a lot more team preparation.

I wanna circle back to the mullet thing. So many OSU fans are directly reaching out to Gundy to tell him it’s time to get a haircut.

Cut the mullet @CoachGundy

— Emily Falkenberg (@Emilypfalk) September 23, 2017

Time to cut the mullet @CoachGundy #osuvstcu #ridiculousgame

— Jill Kimbrough (@jillkimbrough) September 23, 2017

Here’s Gundy getting told off by a couple of fans after tweeting appreciation for a group that brings seriously ill children to sporting events:

Cut the mullet

— Shane Wilde (@noShandlebars) September 24, 2017

Time the let the mullet go. Business in the front & back!

— Manscape & Massage (@ManscapeMassage) September 24, 2017

Cut your hair and donate half your salary back to Oklahoma teachers. Be a man. You are over paid

— My Info (@shirlmatlock56) September 24, 2017

“Be a man,” on the 10-year anniversary week of the “I’m a man” rant, no less.

Florida State

Lost 27-21 to NC State, falling to 0-2 and out of the AP Poll while the other team’s best player stopped to drop a loogie on the Noles’ logo.

The loss dropped Jimbo Fisher to a measly 78-19 at FSU, and he still just has one national title in eight-plus seasons, and there might be one, two, or even three coaches in the country slightly better than him.

Let’s see how Noles fans responded!

Here’s a gentleman screaming that Fisher’s overpaid and that his defensive coordinator, Charles Kelly, should be fired:

Can we fire jimbo fisher please! @FSUFootball

— Jonah Pate (@PateJonah) September 23, 2017

Jimbo Fisher is garbage . Fire him @FSUFootball

— Brad Dozier (@b_dozz) September 23, 2017

Let’s scoot on over to the message boards at Noles247.

Thread: Fire them all

Thread: Jimbo is a JOKE

So soft..not a Bowden bone in him.He’s just becoming noise.When u have more talent just play ball.why does he think he can win games 17-14 with this OL,DC and his play calling??...u just get tired watching this.

Thread: Fisher and whole staff need to be fired.

Totally inept and we will never be back to Playoffs with him. Only way to retain him is if he does what Dabo does, go get great coordinators, and then get out if their way and just be a cheerleader and recruiter. But, dumbo is to stubborn to do that,

FSU has made one of the three Playoffs that have ever been played. It’ll miss this year’s, which will drop Fisher to a mere .250 all-time Playoff participation rate.

Some people had a more pensive, chill attitude about everything.

Thread: I Don't know why Everyone's So Pissed Off That We Suck

So we suck. Who cares? Grow up.

Same:

Thread: I'm just here for the meltdown.

Love reading all the meltdown threads. My favorite part is when another team has a meltdown and everyone is so quick to point and laugh like it's beneath them. Who should we fire today fellas??? Maybe even shut program down at this point.

Boise State

Lost at home to Virginia, 42-23. Virginia! 42-23!

How does the commentariat feel about head coach Bryan Harsin, an alum who’s now fallen all the way to 40-16 all-time as the Broncos’ head coach?

To Boise’s Scout.com message board we go.

Thread: What does the buyout look like

Thread: Is this the darkest moment.........

for Boise State football in the 21st century or has it been worse? I am just not accustomed to seeing what I am seeing.

One message board poster, screen name zagco, had a specific demand.

Thread: Fire Brian Harsin!

Zagco is going to start a website!

Merely a half-hour after that plea, zagco said zagco was signing off altogether.

Thread: Goodbye BroncoCountry

Zagco is totally done with Boise State football until Harsin is gone. No more posts.

A short while later, another board poster was offering to buy the domain name firebryanharsin.com (for 25 percent off!) if someone else on the forum agreed to help manage the page. But another poster suggested a simpler solution:

Just create a fire Bryan Harsin Facebook page. It's free

To which the solicitor replied, “Good call.”

The Fire Harsin Facebook page doesn’t appear to be active yet. But!

(function(d, s, id) { var js, fjs = d.getElementsByTagName(s)[0]; if (d.getElementById(id)) return; js = d.createElement(s); js.id = id; js.src = "//connect.facebook.net/en_US/sdk.js#xfbml=1&version=v2.10"; fjs.parentNode.insertBefore(js, fjs); }(document, 'script', 'facebook-jssdk'));

Fire Bryan Harsin! Hire Les Miles!! Boise State so not the same

Posted by Nick Olsen on Friday, 22 September 2017

That is, if they can keep Les Miles away from the Nebraska AD job.

Kentucky

Lost 28-27 to Florida when its defense literally forgot to cover a receiver. That made 31 consecutive losses to UF, many of them in painful fashion.

But was this crushing to the program?

On the one hand, there’s a thread on UK’s Rivals board that’s titled, “Last Night Not Crushing to the Program.”

On the other, there’s another thread that’s titled, “Hard to overstate how crushing this is to the program.”

Here’s an exceptionally dark metaphor about Kentucky football in general.

Thread: Kentucky Football Reminds Me Of

The fable of the turtle and the scorpion. The gist of it is the scorpion wanted to ride the turtle across the river and promised he wouldn't sting the turtle if he gave him a ride. The turtle reluctantly agreed to take the scorpion. Halfway across the river the scorpion stings the turtle. The turtle asks, "why did you do that? Now we will both drown." The scorpion replies, "it's just my nature."

The Kentucky football fans are the turtle. The football team is the scorpion. No matter how much you expect something bad to happen, you reluctantly believe everything will be fine. So you go along for the ride and get your hopes up only to have it sting you and you sink to the bottom. That is how Kentucky football feels to me.

Here’s a Reddit thread I just figured I’d drop in full.

Slightly NSFW:

Arkansas

Lost to Texas A&M in overtime, like it does every year.

One fan says his near-death grandfather wants Bret Bielema fired before he dies.

@ClayTravis From Arkansas message board.. Amazing #hogs http://pic.twitter.com/nWzdQioLzM

— Jared Roll (@jroll918) September 23, 2017

Arkansas fans are less than stoked about their head coach and athletic director.

Let’s peruse Hogville.net for a few minutes.

Thread: Economical Solution to Our Problem

Replace AD Jeff Long with Wisconsin’s Barry Alvarez, who has worked nowhere other than Wisconsin since 1990. It’s an airtight plan.

Fire Long. Hire Barry Alvarez. Alvarez is making $1.125 million at Wisconsin. BB can be Alvarez's boy again, do as he is told, and regain his former level of highish mediocrity.

Thread: Go away BB

BB please go away. You are the worst coach we have ever had. Our program and state deserves better and Ws matter.

Also, there are multiple people worried that Arkansas will lose next weekend to New Mexico State. Yet another overtime loss to Aggies?

Is there a GoFundMe to pay Bielema’s massive buyout, currently north of $15 million?

Hell yeah there is.

The fundraiser, Austin Johnson, writes:

It's safe to say that Bret's time here should be over, however, Jeff Long has made this difficult with the lucrative 15.5 mil buyout, let's end this misery ourselves

Does the GoFundMe have any actual donations?

No, of course not.

So, any other solutions to make Arkansas competitive in the SEC West?

None better than this:

@jefflongUA How about Jimmy Johnson! Played for Razorbacks, won National Championship and also Super Bowls.

— Todd Naccarato (@todd_naccarato) September 24, 2017

[newagesispage]

                                                                          OCTOBER    2019  

 PAGE RIB

 Stephen King has released yet another: The Institute

*****

Salmon Rushdie has given us Quichotte

*****

October 1: Jimmy Carter is 95!! Go Jimmy

*****

For some new discoveries and theories on the often told tale, check out Chaos: Charles Manson, the CIA and the secret history of the 60,s by Tom O’Neill.

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Metallica has cancelled their tour.

*****

The Creamery Bridge in Vermont was closed for a time because of a Sasquatch scare.

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Days alert: Woo Hoo!! Dr. Rolf is back!! ** Why do they keep using that ‘WET PAINT’ sign all over the town square? A joke?  Really painting the sets and they just leave them up for an inside laugh? ** The Shah/Jen story was good.. it showed what a good actor he really was. He was always so blah! It’s funny that as he left us , we finally get his back story. He even mentioned Norman Bates. ** Stefan is out.  Claire is in.  I loved Dr. Rolf’s “pro life” line. Will many of the young girls get pregnant, ( think Lani, Ciara, Gabi, Sarah, Haley and Kristen) and will all the babies get mixed up and will Days jump a year ahead? Well, that’s the rumor. ** What is up with Hope?

*****

Senator Chuck Grassley is applying for his second bailout since October for the farm he owns. ** $30 billion in welfare has been given to farmers.

*****

This whole vaping scare is not really a surprise. Why do companies have to be so greedy and fill these with nicotine anyway? Why do good flavors have to be taken off the market because parents can’t keep them away from the kids? Can’t we have fun flavored simple mist in a vaping apparatus that has no dangerous chemicals? So many people just need that occasional outlet and something to do when relaxing.

*****

Spy devices were found near the White House. They believe Israelis are responsible.

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Word is that around Liberty University, Jerry Falwell Jr. uses fear in dealing with staff and sends them pictures of his wife in sexual situations.

****

They need to make a biopic about Rickie Lee Jones and it should star Hillary Swank. JS

*****

A CIA source has been pulled from Russia they say because Trump can’t be trusted not to tell Putin who he is. The operative is the agent who confirmed the interference in the 2016 election and has worked there for decades.

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Rose McGowan and some of the Me too movers and shakers would like Lisa Bloom to be disbarred after her dealings with Harvey Weinstein.

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Mark Sanford is running for President.

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Sarah Palin’s husband has filed for divorce.

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Stacey Dash was arrested for domestic battery in Florida.

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Stranger Things has been renewed for season 4.

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Hey.. Robert King.. Glad that U R back!

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People from Alabama were calling the National Oceanic and Atmospheric Administration in a panic after scary clown 45 included them in the path of Hurricane Dorian. Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross threatened to fire meteorologists who contradicted the idiot.

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John Legend and Chrissy Teigen got into it with the Pres. She called him a pussy ass bitch.

*****

In the 80’s, 80% of our clothing were made here in the U.S., now it is 3%.

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The House Judiciary committee is holding hearings about hush money to Karen McDougal and Stormy Daniels.

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Conversion therapy leader, McKrae Game has announced he is gay.

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It is odd that we don’t hear more about women who are addicted to crime shows. It is such a thing.

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Weight Watchers is not WW. OK.

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North Carolina’s political maps have been deemed unconstitutional and must be redrawn.

*****

In Nashville, Rev. Dan Reehil has banned Harry Potter books at the St. Edwards School

*****

Why does Fallon imitate his guests all the time? He is always repeating what they do much like a child would.

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Scary Clown’s personal assistant, Madeline Westerhout is out.** John Bolton is out.

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$32.50 for a Trump key chain? What?

*****

SNL started off the season with a bang. Woody Harrelson hosted and ended by showing support for Greta Thunberg. The next hosts will be Phoebe Waller- Bridge, David harbor, Kristen Stewart and Eddie Murphy.

*****

A man was chopping down an old diseased tree when a cannonball fell out of it. This particular cannonball in a tree was near a home that was used as a hospital during the first battel of independence, Mo. in the Civil War.

*****

In Kentucky, Mitch McConnell said yes to treasury funds for an aluminum plant backed by a Russian oligarch. He said no to treasury funds for coal miner’s health care and pensions.

*****

Joe Biden pledges to take no fossil fuel money but then attended a fundraiser hosted by Andrew Goldman, founder of Natural Gas Company, Western LNG.** It’s so sad, Biden leads which makes it seem that the people who pay the least attention decide who is going to run this place.** He really has to stop saying, “Look”,  all the time.

*****

The Sept. 12 Dem debate was exciting, I loved the kudos that Biden and then others gave to Beto for his actions in Texas after the shootings.  Other than that Biden seemed to stumble a lot especially with his, “make sure the kids hear words” stuff. O’Rourke seems to have finally hit his stride with, “Hell yes, we’re gonna take your AR-15’s.”  I’m not even sure I agree but I loved so much that he had the guts to say it. I’m in! His only real problem was the color of his tie, it washed him out. Later, Briscoe Cain sent a tweet to Beto: My AR-15 is ready for you.** Yang, as usual was not given enough time but he did calm the others when they wanted to spar. He spoke so clearly and did not sidestep.  He had a great point with the U.S. not starting wars because we are not too good at rebuilding. Case in point: Puerto Rico. He also proposed $100 in democracy dollars so people can participate and give to the candidates they believe in. He seemed to tear up when talking about missing his son’s first day at school.  His salesmen pitch like giveaway was too much though. ** Buttigieg had a good idea with his ‘community rural visas’ to bring immigration everywhere.** Warren and Sanders were straight forward with no real surprises. Gotta thank Bernie for reminding us that he didn’t vote for Bush’s war or Trumps military spending bills and the crowd seemed to love him. Both at the debate and after (like Bari Weiss on Maher’s overtime), people keep calling Bernie ‘President’. Accidents? ** Harris was cool and calm but seemed a bit scripted.  She was the only one to really bring up Trump. ** Protestors had to be cleared as Biden started his final words. They were yelling, “We are DACA recipients. Our lives are at risk.” I’m sure it had to unnerve him as he began to talk of his sad life and his family. The late night comics said that he did a good job but I didn’t think so.** Klobachar told us a lot about herself. I think I learned the most about her. Castro, who I really liked a lot at the first debate, should just get out after this performance. ** Why was Rahm Emanuel there?** The Trump campaign sent a banner flying over Texas  Southern University. ** DeBlasio is out.

*****

By the end of September, Warren is #1 in New Hampshire. She is 2 points behind in the nation and Yang is #4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

“We will no longer sell the AR-15 to the public.”- Colt   Thanks Beto!!  A simple candidate has made more positive change than Scary Clown. Stop being so scared Dems, change can happen!

*****

When Warren was on Colbert she said,” Why don’t we just quit now and do a selfie line?  The selfies are the most fun about this. Really? The night before, after her rally she selfied for 4 hours.

*****

Young people will propel the changes in the views of this country. The young demographic thinks differently on guns and climate and the young usually rule eventually. VOTE!!

*****

An intelligence official filed a formal whistle blower complaint against our ruthless Archie Bunker on steroids about his interaction with a foreign leader. It seems that it was a phone call with Ukraine’s Zelinski about the Biden’s but things are still unfolding.  Did he pressure people to work with Guilliani? The transcript is out and Pelosi has started a formal impeachment inquiry. When the WH sent talking points to their republican colleagues to try to calm the waters, they accidently sent them to the Dems too.  The WH also moved the info to a private server as we now know there is even more stuff there. Wouldn’t it be justice if the private server brought him down? ** Blame is flying everywhere. Trump has thrown Barr and Rudy and even Pence into the mess. Rudy tells us that he went to the Ukraine for the state department but they say no! He has been so rude and unhinged on the talk circuit. He has now been subpoened.** Joseph Maguire, acting director of National intelligence was only on the job a few days when he was informed of the whistleblower complaint. He was questioned all day in hearings and was very polite. Both sides could calm down on the snarky.** The Secretary of State is basically holding down 3 jobs.  The WH is quite under staffed  and there is talk that they may bring in outside people to handle the situation but Trump does not want that.  The campaign is where they will really fight, that is where all their money is. ** The ambassador to Ukraine has stepped down.**

*****

Now word is that Trump and Barr tried to get Australian PM Scott Morrison to look into those who were behind the Russia investigation. Pompeo is now getting pulled in too. It is really like the tin foil hat conspiracy guy down the street is running this country.

*****

Never compare your insides to someone else’s outside.  -Thank you Rob Lowe

*****

Hillary and Chelsea are headed out to promote their new book, Gutsy Women. It is impeccable timing but I am sure she is so sick of talking about the big blowhard elephant in the room. It really is time to hear from her again.

*****

Law and Order SVO started its 21st season with a little nod to Gunsmoke. What a great touch.

*****

Has the military really spent $200,000 on Trump’s Scottish resort?

*****

What’s up with the Cleveland Browns? They are winning.

*****

4 feet of snow in September in Montana?

*****

Seth Meyers went too far with his Rudy hate. I am a bit disturbed that Seth, Maher and Colbert get nearly as bold in the other direction as Fox News. Yes, these are evil people running the country and there is enough that they do without calling them out on things that are not your business.  About Rudy marrying a second cousin, Seth said “that’s awful.” Don’t pass your prejudice and judgement on these people like others do on color and religion et al. Cousins can marry, it’s not illegal and how might that make the children of cousins feel?  

*****

Pennsylvania  Senator Michael Folmer was arrested for child porn that was on his computer and has since resigned.  I am sure that if he went on Fox and said nice things about the fearless leader that he could get a job in the White House. It seems to be the way it is done, Fox is the audition.

*****

Robert C. O’Brien is the new National Security Advisor.

*****

The family of John Dillinger do not believe that he is in the grave. A body id buried in Indianapolis but they have asked for an exhumation.

*****

Millions came out on the 20th to ask for action on climate change. Go Greta Thunberg !! Some are spinning it that since she is autistic, she has been abused by her parents by being forced into her activism. I have seen no evidence this. She makes more sense than most leaders on the subject. Fox’s Michael Knowles even called her mentally ill and has since apologized. Thoughts? ** Central America is starving to death because of the impact of climate change. Reports from the Trump administration prove this and aid has been cut off which causes migration.

*****

Trump us jumping into bed with Saudi Arabia who has the 5th largest defense budget in the world. Troops are being sent to Iran.

*****

Doc Martin is here with its 9th season. The dog will fall in love. The Doc and Louisa’s relationship is doing well as their careers are shifting. It all just reminds me how much I want to live in Cornwall.

*****

The biggest grossing tours of all time as of this year are. 1. Ed Sheeran: The Divide 2. U: 360 3. Stones: A Bigger Bang 4. Guns N Roses: Not in this lifetime 5. Coldplay: A Head Full of Dreams 6. Roger Waters: The Wall 7. AC/DC: Black Ice 8. Stones: No Filter 9. Bruno Mars: 24K 10. Madonna: Sticky and Sweet

*****

James Corden put Bill Maher in his place. Fat shaming is as wrong as any other. Bullying is never funny. The week after Maher’s rant, Michael Moore went on and had lost some weight. Hmmm.

*****

Hiking with Kevin has the best guests, there is really a cross section of all kinds of people.  A hike seems to break down defenses and the stories are great!!

*****

The North Dakota pipeline spill that was said to be 10 gallons worth was really millions of gallons.

*****

Almost Family is a show about a sperm donor. It is good to see Tim Hutton again.

*****

A woman gets a late night show.. check out A Little Late with Lilly Singh.

*****

Prodigal Son stars Michael Sheen as a serial killer called The Surgeon.

*****

Julian Fellowes will bring us The Gilded Age about 1885 New York.

*****

Some are freaking about all the official stays at Trump properties. The whole thing is a ridiculous mess. Mitch and the boys would be screaming to the heavens if this was a different President. The really sad part is that the crews that are just there to help POTUS and the VP say the stays are so costly that their expenses won’t even cover food. ** Did a Glasgow refueling stop finally tip off the house oversight committee to the far reach of all these expenditures?** They claim there is never anything to hide. Why do they always hide everything?

*****

Demi Moore has a new tell all titled Inside Out that seems full of revelations.

*****

Check out the saga of the Donald J. Trump state park in NY which is really nothing more than a tax write off full of overgrown land and abandoned old buildings.

*****

Check out the Art Bell vault.

*****

Scary Clown was going to meet with the Taliban at Camp David as 9/11 was upon us.** The Taliban says their doors re open.**Word is that the congressional inquiry into 9/11 has 28 redacted pages which showed evidence of the Saudi’s involvement in the attacks.

*****

Scottish courts ruled that Boris Johnson illegally suspended parliament.

*****

From his reaction, Colbert behaves like Letterman in that a guest should dress a certain way. Personally, I like Conan’s casual ways. Now, I like Colbert but he also seems to push people to talk politics when they don’t really want to. Move on!

*****

“We are in a very difficult situation at the moment, especially in the U.S., where all the environmental controls that were put in place, that were just about adequate have been rolled back by the current administration so much that they are being wiped out.” –Mick Jagger

*****

“When you’re 85 years old and you have children and grandchildren, you will leave them nothing if we don’t vote these people out of office in Brazil, in London, in Washington. They are ruining the world.” –Donald Sutherland

*****

Check out the new film, The Burnt Orange Heresy.

*****

Finn Wittrock, Paul Giamatti and Amy Irving will appear in A Mouthful of Air.

*****

“The lungs of the earth are in flames.” – Leo Dicaprio. The Amazon, the world’s most diverse eco system is getting no help from its own leaders and they won’t accept help from the G7. It’s all about building more crap to them. It is as if three fourths of the U.S. was on fire.** Wouldn’t it be a great idea if Jeff Bezos, who has taken flak for not paying taxes and for workers conditions would step up and pledge a huge sum to help save the rainforest that bears its name?? The world needs heroes.

*****

Better Call Saul has wrapped season 5.

*****

Hasbro has bought Death Row Records.

*****

The San Francisco board of supervisors has declared the NRA a terrorist organization.

*****

New SNL cast member Shane Gillis who was in hot water after racist remarks surfaced, has been let go before he ever hit the stage.

*****

Mike Pence claims he was bit by American Pharoah but his trainer is not too sure about that.

*****

Obama Netflix?

*****

Kieran Culkin and Jazz Charton had a little girl that they named Kinsey Sioux.

*****

Dollface on Hulu looks interesting.

*****

In sexual harassment news: Brett Kavanaugh has been hit with other allegations. Not all accusations are coming from the victims.** Placido Domingo has been accused by 20 women of unwanted advances.

*****

The71st Emmys have come and gone. There is a lot to celebrate in television right now with over 500 scripted original shows. Highlights include Norman Lear winning for Live in front of a studio audience: Norman Lears’s All in the Family and The Jeffersons to become the oldest winner ever at 97. Other winners were Leaving Neverland for best doc.  Glow won for stunt coordination. Succession won for their theme and for writing. RuPaul won for reality host and Drag Race won for show. Russian Doll took home cinematoghraphy. Carpool Karaoke : When Corden met McCartney:Live from Liverpool took home a statue. Peter Dinklage won for best supporting actor, Fleabag won big and Game of Thrones took home the top prize.  Other winners were Bill Hader, Patricia Arquette, Ben Whishaw, Billy Porter and Jodie Comer.  SNL with Adam Sandler and Last Week Tonight were winners.  I was so excited to see that Ozark won for Julia Garner and Bateman for directing. Succession won for directing.  I thought  the fashion went wrong with Amy Poehler, and Dascha Polanco. There was awesome fashion with Regina King, Viola Davis, Maya Rudolph, Bob Odenkirk, Billy Porter, Angela Bassett, Michelle Williams, Kerry Washington, Zendaya, Sarah Silverman, Catherine Zeta- Jones, Karamo Brown, Gwyneth Paltro, Catherine O’Hara, Emilia Clarke, Phoebe Waller Bridge and Niecy Nash.** The In memoriam was fucked up when they honored Andre Previn  but showed a very much alive Leonard Slacken. Let me run that part of the show, they are always messing that up. It may not matter much longer because the ratings were so low. It is already a shame that they don’t broadcast the daytime Emmy’s.

*****

R.I.P. Jim Leavelle, Carol Lynley, T Boone Pickens, Daniel Johnston, Robert Frank, Ric Ocasek, Eddie Money, Sander Vanocur , Peter Lindbergh, Robert Haunter, Jacques Chirac , Jose Jose , Bob Esty, Wayne Fitzgerald, Jessye Norman and Cokie Roberts.