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Radio Abel, Season Four

Part 3 of 6

ZOE CRICK: And we've still heard nothing from Baz and Domhnall?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Not a peep.

ZOE CRICK: Damn it!

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Mmhmm. Uh, but don't worry, citizens. We have been picking up some other broadcasts, and there's one me and Zoe think you might enjoy.

ZOE CRICK: Seems disloyal, though, doesn't it? To Baz and Domhnall?

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Well, it's not like they knew we were listening. And you like Eloise. You said she sounded like a kindred spirit.

ZOE CRICK: Eloise is pretty cool.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And Hugh's great, too. Now, you're going to love them, listeners, we promise. They're travelling around the country -

ZOE CRICK: No spoilers.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Oh, okay. Well, stay tuned, and you'll find out all about Eloise and Hugh, right after this.

[static]

ELOISE: Is that better?

HUGH: There's still some interference, Eloise!

ELOISE: Well, then, stop and let me down, Hugh.

HUGH: I can't quite at the moment, my love.

ELOISE: Stop the van, you [?]. I'll drag the aerial right off the roof.

HUGH: You know I can deny you nothing, but that zom we saw, it phoned a friend! Now there's two fast ones got our scent, and they're gaining! I can't slow down!

ELOISE: If you go any faster, I'll fall off!

HUGH: I've opened the window. Can you do a Dukes of Hazzard?

ELOISE: Are you having a laugh? I'm 53!

HUGH: Now would be a good time! [ELOISE climbs in through window] Handled like a ballerina.

ELOISE: Next time, we check the bloody bushes before I climb up there. I found the problem. It was a zombie foot wedged into the aerial mount. Look! How'd a foot get onto our roof?

HUGH: Uh... maybe you should throw it out the window. With the contamination and the blood and all.

ELOISE: Oh Hugh, you're a big wuss, aren't you? Wait! That light's on. Are we transmitting? Did you hit transmit?

HUGH: Uh, I was trying to change the air conditioning.

ELOISE: Turn it off. Turn it off!

ELOISE: Hello!

HUGH: Hello.

ELOISE: I'm Eloise, and this is Hugh.

HUGH: Hello.

ELOISE: Yes, Hugh. Thank you. And thank you, the listener, for tuning in to our first show. We are travellers voyaging through the wild isles of zombie Britain in our faithful Volkswagen camper van.

HUGH: It's a Type 2.

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh.

HUGH: With everyone dead, I thought we'd get a [?], but they're no good in the winter. And quite frankly, they're a bit slow for eluding the undead.

ELOISE: Yes, Hugh. But we were going to introduce the show.

HUGH: Oh yeah. Now, I used to be a postman, see, and I've still got my keys. So I can get into every postbox in Britain.

ELOISE: And I'm a telecomms engineer. So we've lashed a transmitter on the roof, and I've rigged up some relay stations along the road. We thought we'd do a show, to pass the time, and as a public service, you see, and we thought, "What did we used to like?"

HUGH: It was that show on Radio Stafford with that lady who answered your personal problems, Lucy Lockjaw.

ELOISE: Lucy Lockhart. Our idea is, we'll be your travelling agony aunt and uncle, bringing you wisdom from the road, and advice from the heart. So if you've got a problem, write a letter to Hugh and Eloise, and just pop it in the postbox. Everywhere we visit, we'll check all the boxes, and if your letter's there, we'll try to help! We're waiting to hear from you. And in the meantime, here's some music to keep you going. [audio clicks]

That went well, didn't it? I thought that went well.

HUGH: You didn't press it right. It's still going.

ELOISE: Oh, shit!

ELOISE: Well, a lot has happened since we last did a show. We've been coming up from the lake district, a lovely place to settle! Apart from all the zoms.

HUGH: All that moisture's hell on the axles.

ELOISE: If we were going to settle, we wouldn't do it in a camper van, now, would we? That would kind of defeat the porpoise.

HUGH: You mean purpose.

ELOISE: That's what I said.

HUGH: No. You said porpoise, like a dolphin.

ELOISE: Why would I want to defeat a dolphin?

HUGH: I don't know. You were the one who said it.

ELOISE: You always do this! You know fine well what I mean, but you pick up on a slip of the tongue and try to make me sound stupid. Any reasonable person would just take it as I meant!

HUGH: It's my Royal Mail training. When you read an address, see, you can't just guess what you think the customer meant. You have to deliver it exactly what it says on the letter!

ELOISE: Exactly where it says on the letter.

HUGH: It says it on the front.

ELOISE: There you go again. You are a pedant, Hugh Caulfield.

HUGH: Well, they never gave me a bike.

ELOISE: You're just making fun of me now.

HUGH: I might be, my love. But just remember, you're the one I voyage with every day through this cruel world.

ELOISE: Yeah, and I know where you sleep. Where did I put that zombie foot?

ELOISE: Good afternoon. I'm driving today because Hugh is busy opening your mail.

HUGH: Where'd we put them scissors?

ELOISE: They're in one of those boxes back there. Now, as you remember, we're here to answer your questions, like the agony aunt and uncle you've been deprived of since the zombie apocalypse. The idea is, if you've got a problem, whether it be about relationships, or careers, or health, or just everyday zombie matters, you write it down in your best handwriting and pop it in the postbox, addressed to Hugh and Eloise. And when we come to your town, we'll pick it up and offer you some confidential advice. Just listen in on this frequency.

HUGH: It won't be confidential, will it? If it's on the radio.

ELOISE: Well, it'll be anonymous, then.

HUGH: Yeah, but if we read a letter by Jane from Carlisle, it's going to be obvious who it is, right? I mean, there aren't many people left in Carlisle. Even less called Jane.

ELOISE: We'll use a fake name, won't we?

HUGH: Then how will they know it's their question?

ELOISE: Strike me down! They'll know because they'll hear it, won't they? They'll recognize the words, Hugh.

HUGH: Oh yeah.

ELOISE: So, have we got any first questions today?

HUGH: I'm soryr, Eloise. It's just the usual bills and charity stuff. There's this one package someone is returning to a website called Happy Tools.

ELOISE: Might be something you can use for the van.

[packaging tears]

HUGH: Oh. Oh, um....

ELOISE: What is it? Oh! My goodness!

HUGH: It might keep you happy, dear.

ELOISE: I... well, uh, well, maybe we could keep it.

HUGH: Oh, hang on. It's been used.

ELOISE: Ugh! Oh, throw it out the window. Throw it out the window!

ELOISE: People like you are why kids don't read!

[gunshots, glass shatters]

HUGH: Bugger. There goes another one. It's not the repair I hate, it's picking the little bits of glass out of my vegetables.

ELOISE: Well, she was a cranky lady.

HUGH: Nobody likes being called a fascist, dear. Not even a fascist bookseller.

ELOISE: Oh, really! What did she think we were, zombies driving about in a purple camper van? The hungry dead come to get their decaying hands on the latest Inspector Wexford?

HUGH: Well, possibly she's had previous experience with bloodthirsty raiders.

ELOISE: Bloodthirsty raiders come to pillage the largest secondhand book selection in Dumfries and Galloway? Oh, talk sense, Hugh.

HUGH: Bloodthirsty readers, then.

ELOISE: I'll bloodthirst you in a minute.

HUGH: Maybe save the pillow talk until we're off the air, my love.

ELOISE: Oh, I forgot about you and your vampire thing. [clears throat] This is an announcement for anybody requiring our services in the vicinity of Wigtown. I'm sorry to say we are unable to access the postbox because some nutter is on the roof of a bookshop, blazing away with a dangerous firearm. Yeah, that means you, lady! Get over yourself!

HUGH: We'll be around again, one day.

ELOISE: That's right, folks. You hang in there with your romantic dilemma or your baby turning gray. We'll be around again and we promise to respond to your letter in what, two years or so?

HUGH: Providing the van doesn't break down.

ELOISE: So um, just hang in there.

HUGH: Once again, I'm denied a chance to pick up the final Dick Francis.

ELOISE: Dick Francis? You only read him because you thought it gave you an edge at the bookies.

HUGH: You know what's coming up? Alloway, birthplace of Robert Burns, the Ploughman Poet, known the world over. I picked up a leaflet at the last place. It says, "His national pride, fierce egalitarianism, and quick wit have become synonymous with the Scottish national character." You can see the cottage where he was born and everything! Do you want to go?

ELOISE: Nah. You?

HUGH: Nah. Place'll be heaving with tourists.

ELOISE: [laughs] That's one good thing about the collapse of civilization.

HUGH: No tourists?

ELOISE: No poets.

HUGH: There's bound to be some bastard in one of them fortress towns knocking out free verse.

ELOISE: Doing readings to people who know it's either that, or be torn to bits by the undead outside.

HUGH: Hang on, here's a postbox. [parks van, opens door]

ELOISE: Any luck?

HUGH: No. Must have been empty when the plague hit. [starts van]

ELOISE: I really thought we'd get letters.

HUGH: We will, love. Give it time. It's only been a few weeks.

ELOISE: Deep down, I kind of knew we wouldn't.

HUGH: I know something to cheer you up! We're approaching Prestwick.

ELOISE: No!

HUGH: 100%! Prestwick Airport, the only piece of British soil upon which Elvis ever walked. And I am to know that there are no flights scheduled this afternoon, so if you're very good, I'll knock down the gate and take you on a tour of the runway.

ELOISE: Hugh Caulfield, you are the greatest man who ever walked this earth! Except Elvis, maybe.

HUGH: I'll take that.

ELOISE: If you've been listening to us for a while now, perhaps you've thought, "Yeah! I should get on the road like Hugh and Eloise and live the life of a free spirit!" But if you're thinking of leaving your nice, safe, gated community, hold your horses. It's not all picnics at sunrise and the fresh smell of pine after the rain. There's certain practical considerations.

HUGH: Any sign of them?

ELOISE: No, you're fine! Get on with it! In a camper van, your water supply is precious, and you need to preserve it. Okay, there's reservoirs and little streams, and of course, it pisses down every second day, but you try washing your smalls in an icy river come February, and frankly, a girl gets fed up of doing her big gypsy skirts in a basin the size of a grapefruit.

So every now and then, we make a special trip, and that's how we come to be parked outside the Chery Launderette. It's supposed to be the Cheery Launderette, but one of the E's has dropped off. Also, there's a lot of bloodstains in there.

Now, your average launderette don't work too well these days, what with there being no electricity. But we've got a little generator, and Hugh does some magic that only he can, so we get a couple of loads in. Well, to be honest, I could rig the same thing up easy, but who wants to spend their golden years doing electrics in launderettes? I swear - wait. Hugh! Get your ass in here!

HUGH: We're nearly at the spin cycle!

ELOISE: Sixteen shamblers incoming! Get in here!

HUGH: Oops.

ELOISE: Where's all my leggings?

HUGH: In the dryer.

ELOISE: Oh! And so, for a good half hour now, we'll be leading zoms into the suburbs until we can go back for our clothes and the genny. This is the harsh reality of life on the road.

HUGH: But it makes you smell so fresh.

ELOISE: Ah, zip it.

HUGH: Eloise, it's a very special day.

ELOISE: No, we didn't!

HUGH: I've got the letter right here.

ELOISE: No! Read it out. No, give it to me! No. Read it out. I'll drive. [starts van]

HUGH: "Dear Eloise –" Looks like this one's just for you. "Dear Eloise, it's Jasmina here. I heard you say that you are a telecomms engineer. I would like to learn that stuff so that I can help with the reconstruction of society, but how can I learn it now all the colleges have closed? Yours sincerely, Jasmina."

ELOISE: Good for you, Jasmina! We all need to find our place, and the more engineers we have, the quicker we'll get back on our feet. Before the zoms, you'd have been working on fiber and switches, setting up redundant networks and so on. But we're in a back to basics situation here. The old cables are still around, but there ain't the power to drive them, so radio makes more sense.

You don't say what age you are, but don't begin by trying to set up your own Rofflenet node. If you get stuck into the books to early, you'll maybe get bored. So go break into a toy shop or a craft shop and look for their electronics kits. Or the museum gift shop! Often, they've got a build your own radio. Follow the instructions, and try and understand how the circuit works. You can listen to our program on something you built yourself!

HUGH: Nice.

ELOISE: After that, you'll want your local library and a shop like Maplin or Radio Shack. Get a soldering iron and a suitcase worth of components. Build up the difficulty until you've done a transmitter, and then give us a call, all right?

HUGH: There's more on the back. "P.S. I am thinking of getting into Elvis, too. Can you recommend any records?"

ELOISE: Wait a minute. Let me see that. Do you think I'm daft, Hugh Caulfield? This is your handwriting.

HUGH: Uh...

ELOISE: Did you write this letter yourself?

HUGH: You wanted one so badly. I was just helping the process along.

ELOISE: You're a bloody twit. But I do love you.

ELOISE: Where are we?

HUGH: Inverkip.

ELOISE: Where's that?

HUGH: Under the ocean, it looks like.

ELOISE: I did suggest we take the other road instead up to the loch.

HUGH: Yeah, because up the hills, it didn't rain.

ELOISE: No need to take that tone.

HUGH: I wish we could find a good pub completely protected from zombie attack, so on a day like this, we could sit near the fire and get trollied.

ELOISE: A man of your ingenuity should be able to set up a pub inside a castle.

HUGH: All the good castles are taken.

ELOISE: You know that's the marina over there.

HUGH: What gave it away? All the boats?

ELOISE: You, Mister Crabby Esq., are missing the point. The owners of all these boats are most likely dead. We could have our pick. There's no reason we have to stay on land. You could load the bugger up with canned soup and lager and do what generations of weekend fisherman have done before you – sail out into the unknown waters and get wrecked. Of course, you would take that literally.

HUGH: Even in my cups, I'd be a responsible pilot.

ELOISE: Come on, let's check them.

HUGH: I think I saw a zombie on that one.

ELOISE: Really? You sure?

HUGH: Definitely. We'd better go before it smells us.

ELOISE: You just don't want to go out in the rain.

HUGH: Nothing to do with that, Eloise, nothing at all.

ELOISE: Hello. We're in some godawful bed and breakfast on the outskirts of Glasgow. I've moved the whole broadcast rig inside so we can bring you our program today, which is #2 in our occasional series: Why life on the road after the zombie apocalypse is not like the great music festivals of your youth.

HUGH: I got a bit of flu.

ELOISE: As you can perhaps hear, my handsome co-presenter is a little under the weather, as I came to realize when he nearly drove us into a hedge yesterday.

HUGH: It wasn't a hedge! It was barely a bush!

ELOISE: Camper vans are not optimized for illness. I could have made a bed for him in the back, if I'd been willing to ditch three weeks of food or 800 miles worth of petrol. [HUGH sneezes] Thank you, Hugh. Under these circumstances, a small hotel or a B&B is a good choice. They often had vacant rooms when all went to hell, so you can find somewhere clean to sleep without scraping up infected remains. And crucially, they often have private parking with a gate that locks.

HUGH: The pay-per-view's rubbish these days.

ELOISE: The what?

HUGH: The breakfast. It's the breakfast.

ELOISE: Of course, it's always on our mind that one of us might get seriously ill. All the big settlements have doctors, but they don't all welcome new faces, particularly new faces who have any symptoms that might look even a little like the gray plague. You're as likely to get shot as to get an appointment, and good luck persuading them to send the doctor out.

HUGH: [?]

ELOISE: I have no idea what he is saying. My point is, you have to be your own GP and pharmacist now. My old doc always prescribed antibiotics and never anything else. So early on, we started raiding pharmacies for antibiotics. We took a small supply and left the rest.

As we travel around, we still look, but lately they've always been looted. So we save the antibiotics for the times it's really bad. We're not there yet, but these drugs have a shelf life. And as far as I know, nobody's making any more of them. [HUGH sneezes]

So the message is, eat as well as you can, give your body all the rest it needs, and if you approach a settlement, do not look like a zombie on the turn.

HUGH: [?]

ELOISE: Move over, you. We might as well treat this like a holiday.

HUGH: Eloise. Eloise!

ELOISE: What?

HUGH: We got one!

ELOISE: No!

HUGH: Look!

ELOISE: This better not be another one of your fake letters to make me feel better.

HUGH: I swear! Look! "Hugh and Eloise." It was on the top, totally fresh. No stamp or nothing.

ELOISE: And really nice handwriting, look at that! Fountain pen or something. Female hand.

HUGH: Well, open it.

ELOISE: I don't know.

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: I kind of want to savor it for a minute.

HUGH: It might be urgent.

ELOISE: Hugh, we've been broadcasting for three months about our agony aunt program without getting a single inquiry. How urgent could it be?

HUGH: So are you ready yet?

ELOISE: Where did we put the letter opener?

HUGH: Use your fingers, for God's sake.

ELOISE: We might want to save this one. Frame it or something.

HUGH: Open the damn envelope.

[paper tears and rustles]

ELOISE: Do you want to read it?

HUGH: No, no, you read it.

ELOISE: [clears throat] "Dear Hugh and Eloise..."

HUGH: Well, come on!

ELOISE: "Thank you for your show. Since I found it, I listen all the time. Sometimes life can be very grim, and I get a vicarious thrill from listening to your adventures up and down the country. Please keep going and broadcasting. Yours, Louise."

HUGH: Wow, that's nice. Lovely.

ELOISE: Yeah, but... but...

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: She didn't have a problem.

ZOE CRICK: "Dear Eloise and Hugh: I'm a tightly-wound control freak who'd prefer it if all human interaction was carefully scripted, not just my radio segments. I think jokes get funnier every time you tell them, and washing up my tea mugs is for other people.

Sometimes I nod off while Jack and Eugene are acting out scenes from Thelma and Louise for us, using all the voices. And then I like to pretend I haven't, even though I've been snorning incredibly loudly. Can you help me to be a better partner to my lovely cohost?"

PHIL CHEESEMAN: "Dear Eloise and Hugh: I think I'm so funny, I laugh at my own jokes, even when no one else is laughing. Sometimes I start laughing four hours later because I've just remembered my joke again. Sometimes I do this when my best friend is trying to tell me a very serious story about his mother.

I'm so anal that I rewash anything anything else has already washed up. Also, I've alphabetized all the novelty mugs. I've recently been pretending I'm extremely well-read, but actually I just found a stash of CliffsNotes at the back of the pantry, and I don't think anyone else has realized. Can you tell me how to be a better human being?"

HUGH: Well, this is all very picture-skew.

ELOISE: You know what that is? It's the Harry Potter viaduct!

HUGH: Eh?

ELOISE: The viaduct from the films.

HUGH: What, that bridge?

ELOISE: When it's got all those arches, you call it a viaduct.

HUGH: Why did he have a bridge?

ELOISE: Who?

HUGH: Harry Potter.

ELOISE: He didn't have a bridge.

HUGH: So they named it after him?

ELOISE: It's Victorian, you wazzock! How could they name it after Harry Potter?

HUGH: I thought maybe they changed it when the film came out. For the tourists, you know.

ELOISE: They call it the Harry Potter viaduct because his train goes along it in the films!

HUGH: Oh, I got you now. When they go to his castle?

ELOISE: Who's castle? Voldemort's?

HUGH: Harry Potter's castle.

ELOISE: He doesn't have a castle.

HUGH: He does! Where all the kids go and have the big dinner.

ELOISE: That's a school! Hogwarts Academy of Magic and Witchcraft.

HUGH: That explains why they're all wearing ties.

ELOISE: We watched all the films on the telly.

HUGH: That might be one of the times when you watched them and I caught up on my snoozing.

ELOISE: Unlike those gripping times when we watched the Three Stooges.

HUGH: All right, then. Let's go to his castle while we're in the area. You got the map. Where is it? What?

HUGH: This is from Alan. "Dear Hugh and Eloise, thank you for your program. We have built a little community up here on the banks of the Ness. On the whole, we get on fine, but we do have personal disputes from time to time over issues which might seem trivial to an outsider, that take on great importance with living in such close quarters. I am sure you know all about this." No, Alan. I can honestly say that despite living full-time in a camper van, Eloise and myself never disagree.

ELOISE: You bloody liar.

HUGH: Yes, dear. Alan says, "Lately, it has become something of a big deal to decide whether Inverness is in the northeast or the northwest." Well, Alan, we've got the map here, and we will tell you exactly where you live.

ELOISE: I'm looking at it right now. I can state quite definitely that you live in the northeast. I hope that helped.

HUGH: There you are, Alan. One of our easier – wait. Northeast? You must be looking at it sideways.

ELOISE: It's on the east coast! It can hardly be on the east coast and in the northwest, now, could it?

HUGH: That's not how you work it out. You find the center point of the country and draw a line due north. Then if it's on the left, it's northwest, and if it's on the right, it's northeast. Where would you say the center of the country is?

ELOISE: I don't know! Huddersfield.

HUGH: It's about 200 miles west of Huddersfield, so it's in the northwest.

ELOISE: By that same argument, the whole of Scotland's in the northwest.

HUGH: Well, it is.

ELOISE: When you're up here, you use the center of Scotland!

HUGH: Okay. Where's that?

ELOISE: Fort William. Inverness is clearly northeast of that.

HUGH: Fort William's on the west coast, so how can that be the center of Scotland?

ELOISE: You're not allowing for the Western Isles.

HUGH: Yeah, and if you include Shetland, Inverness is at the center. Don't listen to her, Alan. You're in the northwest.

ELOISE: Northeast!

HUGH: Northwest.

ELOISE: Northeast!

HUGH: Read one out.

ELOISE: Just drive.

HUGH: This lot's been after us for half an hour. I'm bored. Read one out.

ELOISE: Hugh, will you concentrate on saving our lives?

HUGH: Not unless you read a letter.

ELOISE: No! Now shut up.

HUGH: The pressure. It's getting on my nerves, it's making me slow down. If only there was something to distract me.

ELOISE: Hugh, I swear I'll do that thing to you that you don't like.

HUGH: Just read a letter, Eloise.

ELOISE: Right. Right! "Dear Hugh and Eloise." Speed up! "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I like someone and I think we could become a couple. Frankly, neither of us has many options these days, but when we get together, there's no spark. Can you suggest a way I can spice things up and see if she's at all interested? Thank you, Mandy."

HUGH: You're the relationship expert, my love.

ELOISE: Oh, no. You wanted to hear the letter. Let's hear your romantic solution.

HUGH: Well, Mandy, it's actually very simple. [ELOISE scoffs] Some of the big settlements have runners – people that go out on missions and gather supplies. Ask your prospective mate to come out with you on a zombie run. You may find that the sheer peril of roaming undead and the looming prospect of a hideous death will bring your hearts together in a way that simple words cannot.

ELOISE: And Mandy, if that load of crap don't happen, make sure that you can run faster than this other girl. After all, it's great to be single!

ELOISE: You know what you're going to find.

HUGH: I prefer to think positive.

ELOISE: It's going to be the same as the last twelve.

HUGH: My dear, you are a beautiful woman, a charming companion, and a considerate lover, as well as no mean driver when you put your mind to it. But right now, you are throwing off my karma something awful.

ELOISE: You just have to accept that it's a good idea and somebody had it before you. Somebody who lives closer with a bigger van.

HUGH: All that means is there's a stockpile somewhere.

ELOISE: Yeah, with armed guards.

HUGH: Armed, they may be. Sober, they may not be.

ELOISE: You think a raid by a middle-aged agony aunt and her painfully obsessive husband might succeed where others have failed?

HUGH: I was thinking stealth.

ELOISE: That's it ahead. Which one's this?

HUGH: Glen Spey. Not so well-known, see, but slap-bang in the middle of the heartland.

ELOISE: The gates are off the hinges.

HUGH: Think positive.

ELOISE: That's the warehouse. The doors are open. It's empty. Cleaned out, just like the others.

HUGH: Buggeration. I'm going to check the office. There might be a special bottle or two in a drawer.

ELOISE: No, you ain't. There's something moving up there, and it's gray!

HUGH: [sighs] Where's the next one?

ELOISE: Aberlour. You get three more tries. Got that? Then we're off. Choose wisely.

HUGH: I suppose.

ELOISE: You don't even like whiskey!

HUGH: I just fancied a bottle or two. For visitors, like.

ELOISE: Visitors? Well, make sure I know when they're coming so I can freshen up the parlor!

HUGH: We've got a letter here from Angus, and he says, "Dear Hugh and Eloise, I used to eat too many convenience foods. Then I cleaned up my act and started cooking, with a consequent improvement in my health. Then civilization collapsed, and I was right back to eating from tins again. How do you make sure you get the right nutrition, especially as you are travellers of no fixed abode?"

ELOISE: What a good question. Well, there's two ways to look at that. One way is that we travel to make sure we get a varied selection of natural produce from up and down the country, and to minimize our impact on the environment.

HUGH: Yeah, that's a good way of looking at it, but it isn't true.

ELOISE: Well, it's sort of true. If we just stayed in one place, we'd probably exhaust local stocks and leave none for the next people.

HUGH: She likes them Ritz crackers. We got four boxes in the back. Not the little boxes, either. The ones they bring on the forklift.

ELOISE: Thank you, Hugh. We do cook every day on a camping stove. A lot of soups and stew and stuff, from vegetables in the fields and peoples' gardens. There was a slight plan to grow our own on the roof, but we had to give up on that before I installed the aerial.

HUGH: I took a corner too tight and we lost every last radish.

ELOISE: Hugh has been trying to grow things inside the van.

HUGH: I'm giving up on that until we can get proper hydroponics.

ELOISE: I suppose our best advice, Angus, is to become a gardener. Try a few different crops to test the soil, and build a wall around your beds to keep the zombies off.

HUGH: Zombies don't eat vegetables.

ELOISE: No, but they do eat gardeners.

HUGH: Uh, thanks for your question, Angus. Stay safe out there.

ELOISE: Hugh, don't look now, but I think we're being followed!

HUGH: What?

ELOISE: I said don't look!

HUGH: Is it zombies? We haven't got much in the tank.

ELOISE: No.

HUGH: Who is it?

ELOISE: It's the paparazzi.

HUGH: Oh. [laughs] Not again, eh?

ELOISE: I think it's the show that's the problem. Now our listenership is in the hundreds of thousands, people are thirsty for the intimate details of our glamorous life.

HUGH: Well, it's true. Every move around these rugged isles is a glittering cavalcade of drama and high fashion.

ELOISE: I'm glad I'm wearing a little Chanel number today with my matching handbag and all.

HUGH: I'm wearing Cinzano.

ELOISE: [laughs] That's a drink, you pillock.

HUGH: No, no. During my brief spell as a visiting scholar in Florence, I had something of a personal tailor who later became globally renowned. Humberto Cinzano made me many original designs.

ELOISE: I never heard of him.

HUGH: Yeah, he died.

ELOISE: Was that before or after you addressed the United Nations?

HUGH: Around the same time. What were you doing then?

ELOISE: Well, I think it's safe reveal to you now that I am a sleeper agent for the KGB.

HUGH: Your English accent's quite good.

ELOISE: [imitates Russian accent] Der Mister Caulfield, at last I have you in my grasp! My submarine is parked in the Scottish [?], or whatever it is called, and I must insist you accompany me to motherland, where I will both interrogate you and make mad passionate love to screw with your head!

HUGH: You think we could uh, [laughs] pull over for a bit? Maybe turn off the mic?

ELOISE: What about the paparazzi?

HUGH: They can take all the pictures they like.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Jack and Eugene need to listen to that.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah, they really do.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: That'll show them.

ZOE CRICK: Exactly. Indulging in a bit of harmless, non-sexual roleplay is totally normal.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: Completely! There's nothing odd about spending two hours pretending to be Dastardly and Muttley.

ZOE CRICK: Especially when you're as good at the laugh as I am. [imitates Muttley’s laugh]

PHIL CHEESEMAN: And I bet lots of people pretend to be Q and M for extended periods of time. Days, even.

ZOE CRICK: Yeah. We should definitely make Jack and Eugene listen to it.

PHIL CHEESEMAN: [gasps] Hugh and Eloise are an old married couple, though. Wouldn't that kind of be proving Jack and Eugene's point about us?

ZOE CRICK: Only if we tell them Hugh and Eloise are married.

#zombies run #zrs4 #s4 radio #s4 radio part 3 #zr transcript

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forgotteneilionora · 7 months ago

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OOC | Astairan Wedding Traditions

ok so this is inspired by [ this ] post and these tags:

#ooo.... is handfasting a tradition in astairan weddings?#bc i could see#valentina malconaire objecting to this!#and then astairans not considering the eithne/cassimir union#as valid since it didn't happen#also its just a pretty tradition i love!

i loooove this!!!! both for the tradition and for the ~general vibes for astaira andddd for the plot point it could play!!!!! and i thought we might take this opportunity to talk about weddings in general -- i was literally reading up on traditional irish wedding vows just last night bc we were talking about domhnall's wedding etc!

i can also 100% see @forgottenvalentina specifically objecting to a tradition the astairans hold dear on ~roderick grounds or vice versa specificially w the hope itd invalidate the wedding too smdh so this verrrrrry much fits!

also the wedding vows:

[ “Ye are Blood of my Blood, and Bone of my Bone. I give ye my Body, that we Two might be One. I give ye my Spirit, `til our Life shall be Done. You cannot possess me for I belong to myself. But while we both wish it, I give you that which is mine to give You cannot command me, for I am a free person. But I shall serve you in those ways you require and the honeycomb will taste sweeter coming from my hand." ] “I vow you the first cut of my meat, the first sip of my wine, from this day it shall only your name I cry out in the night and into your eyes that I smile each morning; I shall be a shield for your back as you are for mine, never shall a grievous word be spoken about us, for our marriage is sacred between us and no stranger shall hear my grievance. Above and beyond this, I will cherish and honor you through this life and into the next." “I, (name), in the name of the spirit of God that resides within us all, by the life that courses within my blood and the love that resides within my heart, take thee (name) to my hand, my heart, and my spirit, to be my chosen one. To desire thee and be desired by thee, to possess thee, and be possessed by thee, without sin or shame, for naught can exist in the purity of my love for thee. I promise to love thee wholly and completely without restraint, in sickness and in health, in plenty and in poverty, in life and beyond, where we shall meet, remember, and love again. I shall not seek to change thee in any way. I shall respect thee, thy beliefs, thy people, and thy ways as I respect myself. By the power that Christ brought from heaven, mayst thou love me. As the sun follows its course, mayst thou follow me. As light to the eye, as bread to the hungry, as joy to the heart, May thy presence be with me, Oh one that I love, `til death comes to part us asunder. “We swear by peace and love to stand, Heart to heart and hand to hand. Mark, O Spirit, and hear us now, Confirming this our Sacred Vow.” “You are the star of each night, You are the brightness of every morning, You are the story of each guest, You are the report of every land. No evil shall befall you, on hill nor bank, In field or valley, on mountain or in glen. Neither above, nor below, neither in sea, Nor on shore, in skies above, Nor in the depths. You are the kernel of my heart, You are the face of my sun, You are the harp of my music, You are the crown of my company.” “Don't walk in front of me, I may not follow. Don't walk behind me, I may not lead. Walk beside me and just be my friend.” “May the gentle breeze bear witness to this ritual, and carry its message to all lands. May the sun warm their hearts, and its ever burning fire fuel their desire for each other. May the water provide for them from its bounty, and comfort their souls with their sounds. May the land lend its strength and reveal its mysteries."

and like literally swearing by the breeze and the sun and water and land like????? if that aint so astairan!!!!!! there's def tons of other stuff but yeah

also apparently irish brides traditionally wore blue, back in the day, that were long and flowy w intricate embroidery, celtic knots, and a big sash or belt! often including a hooded cloak in weather!

she also traditionally has a handkerchief embroidered w like a motto or the couple's initials or an emblem or smth of significance to them, and then that's used as the bonnet for the firstborn child at their christening, and handed down to them to potentially use at their own wedding etc generation after generation

also the handfasting probs means that 'tying the knot' is an expression in astaira (that would baffle the varmonts too btw!) which is fun <3

[ Ever heard the phrase “your goose is cooked”? ] Traditionally, the night before the wedding, a goose would be cooked in the bride’s house for the groom’s wedding meal. When the meal was fully prepared, it would be seen as bad luck for life to back out of the wedding. So, the phrase, “your goose is cooked” pretty much means there’s no backing out now!

there's this thing w the child of progue that might be done w statues of the guardians?

[ This is a funny Irish wedding tradition. The child of Prague is a statue popularly known to ward off bad weather, which can rue the day. The figure is placed in different ways but performs the same function. ] Some parents leave their children in their hallway the night before a wedding. Others abandon their children outside, while some put the child out under a bush. In addition, people tend to behead the statue before placing it at the selected spot. The rationale is that the figures are not of the best quality. Their head usually fell off by themselves when left out overnight; hence, it was better off already beheaded. Some people even reattach it afterward.

guests have bells to ring ward off evil spirits and discord! they set to ringing them as the couple walks down the aisle and bells are sometimes included in the bride's bouquet

Weddings were civil, not religious, affairs. While some involved a vow of lifelong fidelity, that wasn’t universal. The ancient Celts recognized several types of marriage. And they also had very liberal divorce laws. They knew not all marriages would last, and they planned for it. In ancient Celtic traditions, one could opt for a one-year trial marriage. If all went well, they could take more permanent vows. If it didn’t work out, they each went their way, free to try again. Men and women enjoyed equal rights in the 1100s. Irish brides owned their property; if the marriage ended, they took it with them. They would also take a portion of any wealth the couple acquired together.

so yeah obv there's lots more these were just some things that jumped out at me after a cursory review that felt astairan for one reason or another <3

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forgotteneilionora · 7 months ago

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OOC | Stafford Swords & Heirs

ok so from [ this ] post's replies, and a bit of a follow up to [ this ], [ this ], and [ this ] post (amongst others!), as well...

forgottenarias @forgottenrian @thelongforgottenrealm whoops not me just washing dishes and having crazy thoughts— might Rian be the one who alerts Roderick to the fact he doesn’t have ‘correct’ heir sword? Or since we’ve kinda shifted the idea that the concept of being an heir isn’t necessarily as important to astaira as it is Roderick, does that even factor in anymore? I mean maybe he just wants ALLLL THE SWORDS and I guess maybe even Rian might be after them since he is an actual stafforrd TBC And those swords probably asp would have been going to him if domhall hadn’t dominated those trials hahaha 😆 forgottenrian @forgottenarias KATE!!!!! YOU GENIUS!!!!! i hadn't even thought abt the swords klsadjfkljsdf ommmggggg rian would 1000000% know those swords!!! he's never touched them but he's read everything about them and seen plenty of art and probs went over and had a boromir vs aragorn moment of gazing longing at the display of long lost family sword and awkward encounter w the person who is saying they have more rights to it etc etc etc when he challenged eilia for the throne!TBC @forgottenarias ok so idk if you saw but i was thinking the ~heir does maybe have more of a geopolitical role despite the trials in order to entice foreign alliances etc!! but also roderick is kinda baffled by the whole kingsmoot thing (rian's whole thing makes muchhh more sense to him!) and is basically like 'this is the royal house!' and it has symbolic swords so he wants them!! and rian 1000000% wants them!!!!! those are his and garbhan's by rights!!!! laskdjfkjs TBC @forgottenarias so yeah long story short im thinking that we can def keep the sword thing if we want to! and i love love love this idea!!!!!! also realizing that rian may have much more mixed feelings abt the bastardization of his cousins than i was originally thinking alksjdfkljdsf he deffff has lots of hang ups abt rights being stripped from those to whom they belong ++ it reflects poorly on his house in his mind so he hates it on those levels BUT also it puts him TBC that much closer to realizing his ~own just deserts (in his mind)! forgottenarias @forgottenrian yes!! I love all of this (especially Roderick just wanting all the swords 😅😅😅) but I didn’t even connect— it would probs be even more important for the heir to have some sort of ~thing~ with being an important figure in the ruling family’s geopolitical endeavors even w/ still having to compete for the throne asp!! Since Rian knows everything about Astaira (so he thinks!) he might also be like “well and then the mythical lost third sword…” for Roderick to be like WAIT WHAT? 😅 @forgottenrian but ALSO his conflict!! It makes sense! He’s got a lot to grapple with… so does he tell Roderick? Does he keep the secret for his family? (even though Aria will continue to hate him bc destruction of culture and lands she apparently will forgive a bit but NOT abandoning family!) forgottenrian @forgottenarias ngl...im realizing that rian has probs been taught to believe that the mythical lost sword is probs ~for him (idk if he believes its real or not but certainly that its at least symbolically his or wahtever yknow)...hmmmm...yknow maybe he ~doesn't tell? bc he's like THATS MINE!!!!! basically alksdjfkljdsf but i do think he resents roderick toting even the ~known ones around, big time bc that's ALSO ~his or at least garbhan's!!! lakjsdfkjdf yknow imma TBC do a post on the swords bc im realizing that, w the kingsmoot, that needs a lil reworking but, if the staffords were the og king(s) and established the thing, it might still work, as-is???? like maybe it was a king arthur kinda figure who united the various ~lordships (maybe the lords of astaira used to all be petty kings in their own right?) and then his two brothers were the next ones but the final one was like 'lets establish a vote' basically and yeah!!! maybe TBC the og king even established the crown in order to ~fight the gods~ back in the day or smth?????? we need to talk this out lkasdjfakljdsf

forgottenarias @forgottenrian YASS! Always ready to talk it out about LFR lore! 😅 I def think they’re something important and even if not entirely to the CROWN at least to the Stafford fam… and since they’ve ruled for so long it’s sort of one in the same at this point?!

ok so on the second post, here's words from our fearless leader, herself <3

thelongforgottenrealm I love all of this!!!...I’m also digging the idea that succession here isn’t done traditionally!! I do feel like maybe the firstborn of the king/queen is always treated as the future heir (and often is) but they still have to go through these trials and sometimes have other nobles who submit their names, too, so it isn’t always a given

sdfasdf ok so i think that's all the bg stuff i need <3 mostly i just wanted to pop this here to get us chatting, but i have some ideas i did wanna sort of throw out here!

HEIR IDEAS

perhaps on those occasions on which the ruler is also the person whose technically the ~lord of any given lands, the heir is largely in charge of running the lordly aspects w oversight from the ruler as a sort of training for bigger things type deal? (in our case here, i lowkey feel like rian's dad would've been the evenstar, since he was the firstborn son of stafford, but he gave it up to run away in his hissy fit abt his lil bro being king, so it fell to domhnall to do that ~too, and thus eilia and then aria, in turn, effectively took charge of the staffords lands, when they were old enough? but bc of the below, maybe siobhan did that after aria? or aria was doing it the whole time? your call kate <3)

when the consort is unable (pregnancy, illness, death, etc) the heir also often acts as ambassador to that nation/does all the many political duties of the consort

while generally anyone may insert their name into the lists for the ~kingsmoot, the heir is the only person ~required to do so, and indeed the kingsmoot must wait till the heir is old enough/able to do so w astaira being ruled by the elders/witan/council till that time

lbr the heir to the king does have some advantages over everyone else!!! they've been raised in this position, they're known to the ppl (tho that could be just as easily a detraction if they're not suited ig!! aksldjfkljdsf), they have all kinds of training etc, they have the backing of astaira's closest ally via the queen dowager

SWORD IDEAS

i def think rian's dad wanted to find the lost stafford sword in order to burst in on domhnall w it and thus proclaim himself rightful king!!!

since -- if we go w the idea of it having belonged to the og king of all astaira (who united it etc) -- its maybe seen as more than just a ~stafford sword but as a kingsword a la excalibur like that's king arthur's sword but its not a sword of the house of pendragon so much as its the rightful king's sword, based on their character not their bloodline etc, but at the same time it is def a pendragon sword too like thats who made it who wielded it etc...

and thus rian has been raised to believe that the lost sword is basically ~about him~ out there specifically to prove himself the rightful ruler etc as both stafford and the best dude for the job(tm)

RANDOM IDEA

ive always talked abt this but i just realized...idk if i ever ratified it above mere ~headcanon~ -- one of the things the ruler gives up is the right to marry by choice

they can only marry by the consent of the ppl (which is kinda what eilia is basing her protest on re: roderick and keeping him from forcing the matter bc the whole point of marrying her is to ~not tick off astaira!) w a kind of queensmoot situation (tho probs no trial just a general -- should this country/person be our closest ally/parent to the most likely ~future ruler! kinda thing) ++ might tie into eilia/aria/siobhan's parents' marital situation, as well?? (maybe he loved someone else but wed for duty or smth?)

ok i wanna hear ALLLLLL of your thoughts!!!!! <33333333

#aria stafford #siobhan stafford #rian stafford #garbhan stafford #domhnall stafford #about #ooc #lore

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