#doing is less difficult for my brain than just listing them all out and categorizing them.

[frankmillerturnonyourlocation]

....anybody ever experience liking a story so much that you struggle to insert yourself into it? Like, it's already such a tight, well-constructed story that there's no room for another character. Like, I LOVE it, it's PERFECT, so like. how do i squeeze Me in there.

[gh0st-patr0l]

ADHD in DSMP

So about a week back, I made a post about Karl Jacobs (a bit of a passive aggressive one, I’ll admit, but I think it was justified), complaining that a lot of the ‘criticism’ I see about Karl is actually rather insensitive towards his ADHD. I got a lot of responses to that post, and the most common sources of confusion I saw were:

People not understanding what I was saying they should avoid being judgmental of, or-

People who didn’t know that Karl had ADHD or didn’t understand which behaviors were caused by it.

First of all, Karl has confirmed that he has ADHD.

(NOTE: Yes, I know he said ADD. ADD and ADHD used to be categorized as separate disorders, but in the most recent edition of the DSM, it was decided that they are both simply subtypes of the same disorder- ADHD is the correct technical term. ADD is still sometimes used as shorthand by some practitioners to diagnose primarily-inattentive ADHD, but it's a bit outdated.)

Secondly, that original post made me realize that a lot of people who may be well-meaning may genuinely not fully understand ADHD and its symptoms as well as they want to or think they might. If you aren’t aware, Karl isn’t the only one in the DSMP with ADHD- to my understanding, both Technoblade and Dream have confirmed that they have it as well. So, I thought it would be helpful to put together a comprehensive crash-course on ADHD symptoms and how they effect people’s behavior!

Now, before we go further, I want to address something- as I said earlier, I saw some people unsure of whether certain behaviors are ADHD or “just his personality”. I feel the need to point this out above the read more so people will see it. To answer this question, as someone with ADHD;

A lot of times, it’s both. ADHD is a neurodevelopmental disorder, meaning that it’s caused by the way your brain developed from birth. A lot of the symptoms and effects of ADHD are extremely influential towards the way we think, act, and behave, to the point where “symptoms” and “normal behavior” really don’t have a clean differentiation. This is why it’s technically classified as a ‘disorder’, instead of an illness. While certain aspects of it can require treatment, the condition itself as a whole is not something to be mitigated or eliminated- it’s a part of who we are as a person. This is also why sometimes, even if you don’t have ADHD, you’ll look at certain specific behaviors or experiences and go “Oh, but I do that too!”. A lot of ADHD ‘symptoms’ are just a bunch of normal traits or behaviors, but in combination with each other and some actually problematic aspects, form the appearance of the disorder.

So, what are you allowed to nitpick about it? Well, there’s no real ‘authority’ on this, and even if there was it certainly wouldn’t be me. But if you want my opinion? Nothing.

See, here’s the thing- what I was trying to say when I made that post was not that you can’t be critical of Karl. If you want to say something about his Actions, his Ideals, or the content he creates- sure, go for it, that’s fair. I will agree that there are some very valid and constructive points to be made. But when you post ‘criticism’ about the way he speaks, his interests or preoccupations, his personal behaviors? That’s not criticism. That’s just judging someone.

And you’re allowed to think that stuff! Nobody can control what annoys or bothers them. It doesn’t necessarily make you a bad person. But you don’t need to be vocal about it. You can keep your mean thoughts to yourself. And if you do make posts or communities or whatever about judging someone for things they can’t change about themselves, don’t call it “criticism” or try to morally justify it. It’s not productive or righteous, it’s just rude. Nothing else.

Anyway. Back to Education!

The following will be a descriptive list of visible ADHD behaviors, using Karl’s behavior as examples.

I feel the need to add a disclaimer here- I am not a mental health professional. However! I have ADHD myself, I have taken some psychology courses and done a Lot of research into this stuff, and I’m the daughter of a therapist with access to a DSM. While I’m not an expert, I’d like to think I’m fairly well versed and knowledgeable on at least ADHD. (That being said, if by chance anyone who Is a professional sees this post and notices mistakes, by all means let me know and I’ll fix it!!)

WHAT IS ADHD?

You’re here for the behaviors more than the science, so I’ll keep this short and sweet. ADHD is Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (Known in the past as Attention Deficit Disorder). Despite its name, the root problem of ADHD is not in the person’s ability to pay attention, but their brain’s capability to manage itself. In simple terms, people with ADHD have a lot less control over what their brain does and wants. This results in some behavioral differences along with some personal challenges, namely a difficulty with attentiveness and self-discipline.

Now, onto the symptoms!

ATTENTION

This is perhaps the most visible and pervasive of the ADHD symptoms, hence why it’s the namesake. Inattention is a lack of focus and an inability to stay present and occupied with certain tasks or thoughts.

Because ADHD impairs self-management of the brain, people with it have an extremely hard time directing themselves anywhere but where their brain instinctively wants to go. This results in inattentiveness and the easiness of distraction that is often mocked or stereotyped for people with ADHD.

Here are some examples of how Karl can sometimes display his inattentiveness;

When he has an idea that he seems passionate about, only to drop it or switch to something totally different without warning soon after (either forgetting or getting bored of his original idea).

When he sets out to do something like a build, works on it for a short amount of time, and then immediately gives up or gets someone else to do it.

When someone else is talking and he totally zones out. (NOTE: While I wont make a whole section for it because it’s not easily observable, maladaptive (constant and intrusive) daydreaming is a common ADHD symptom as well!)

It’s important to remember that the whole problem with ADHD is that we can’t control when or what we focus on. When someone with ADHD zones out during a conversation or activity, it doesn’t mean they’re doing it on purpose, and they likely don’t mean any offense! We often are trying our best to listen or participate, but our brain just wont cooperate.

However, inattention is not the only way ADHD effects our focus. There’s also what’s called hyperfocus or hyperfixation, which is when we are so absorbed into a single subject, task, or idea that it is extremely difficult to get us to think about or do anything else. This is usually because our brains have found something that is getting those satisfaction chemicals flowing, and it’s clinging to that with everything it’s got.

People with ADHD will often experience brief periods of hyperfocus. Think of how Karl talks about spending hours straight working on a build or project without eating or drinking, or how he’ll sit down to play a game with someone and end up going six hours without even noticing.

There are also hyperfixations, where someone with ADHD becomes extremely preoccupied with a certain subject, topic, etc. for a period of time. These can be short term- personally, my hyperfixation can sometimes change as quickly as a couple weeks at a time. However, it can also be long term. Karl has been obsessed with Survivor since the second grade- not to mention his memorabilia, rambling, and constant references to Kingdom Hearts.

HYPERACTIVITY/STIMMING

This is a BIG one for Karl. I should clarify; ‘stimming’ is not a technical term, and in professional situations these behaviors are just referred to as Hyperactivity. However, I personally like the term stimming much more and find it far more accurate to what the behaviors actually are, so I’ll be using that instead for this post.

If you’re not already familiar, ‘stimming’ (derived from ‘stimulation’) is an unofficial term used to describe consistent and abnormal patterns of physical and vocal behavior typically expressed by people with ADHD and ASD (Autism Spectrum Disorder). This includes things that people usually call fidgets or tics.

(NOTE: There are differences in how people with those two disorders stim. This post will explain stimming specifically from an ADHD perspective! ASD stimming is caused by very different factors and presents itself in much different ways. Do your own research if you’re curious!) 

There are two major observable forms of stimming- physical and vocal. Karl expresses both VERY often! I’ll use examples for each type;

Physical Stims: Flapping his hands/arms, jumping up and down when he’s excited, twisting around into odd positions in his chair, throwing, hitting, or tapping things, standing up and pacing around when he’s hyped up or laughing, twisting his rings, etc.

Vocal Stims: When he gets excited and repeats a certain phrase incessantly (Think any variation of “I’m popping off”), making certain repetitive noises while he’s focused on something or bored (”la la la”, the meow-noises, the weird heart-beat noise, etc.), singing or humming, tongue clicking.

It should be noted here that it’s pretty common for people with ADHD to get “stuck” on certain phrases or noises, and be unable to stop repeating them (reminiscent of echolalia, a symptom of ASD, but not the same thing). Think of how Karl might sometimes keep making a weird noise for an extended period of time even though it’s not that funny, or that one time he was physically struggling to keep himself from singing the Bakugan theme. These repetitions are completely impulsive and trust me, we usually know how annoying it is while we’re doing it, but we physically cannot stop.

ADHD stims are caused by the fact that the barrier between our brain and body is much weaker than a normal person’s. Because of this, most ADHD stims are actually very positive expressions of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm! Y’know how when you get excited, you feel like you wanna jump or dance? The ‘hyperactivity’ of ADHD is basically just that, but we don’t have the self-control to Not do it.

Stims can be caused by negative feelings like overstimulation, but in ADHD this is not nearly as common. Usually, the most negative reason we’ll stim is when we’re bored- in that case, our brain isn’t getting the Constant Stimulation that it naturally wants, so stimming is a way to make our own.

Whatever the cause, stimming is natural and impulsive. While different people experience it to varying degrees, those who regularly stim typically have little to no control over it. Suppressing stims is very hard and very frustrating to do.

Besides that, like I said- ADHD stims are often an expression of joy, excitement, or enthusiasm. They’re a beautiful thing that shouldn’t be seen as shameful or annoying!

BEHAVIORAL DIFFICULTIES

ADHD is a disorder which causes a lack of self-control. Naturally, this means that people with ADHD are inherently reckless, impulsive, and struggle with a lack of self-discipline that they cannot fix.

Of course, people with ADHD do still have some level of self-control, and they are still responsible for conscious, long-term behavioral patterns and decisions. However, in regards to most things, they are much, much less capable of controlling themselves than an average neurotypical person is.

These are some examples of how this will often present itself in Karl;

Excessive rambling, dragging on a joke or conversation when it could and should probably have been dropped, etc.

Speaking over or interrupting other people (NOTE: As someone with ADHD- THIS IS ALMOST ALWAYS UNINTENTIONAL. I know it can seem rude or annoying but I promise, 90% of the time if someone with ADHD talks over you, they either didn’t realize or physically couldn’t help it. Please try to be patient!)

Lack of awareness towards social cues (NOTE: Unlike ASD, in which the person is incapable of/has problems fully understanding social cues, ADHD results in a lack of awareness. For whatever reason, we’re often just not paying close enough attention to pick up on things like body language, tone of speech, and facial expression as well as we would normally.)

Indecisiveness and overthinking

Bluntness, lack of subtlety

Unintentional dismissiveness, accidentally ignoring things/people (NOTE: Again, this behavior is purely accidental. In this case, it’s usually just the person genuinely not hearing or processing things.)

Making noises, speaking, joking, etc. at inappropriate times

There’s probably more, but I think you get the idea by now. A lot of the time, behavior which results from ADHD can be seen as rude, lazy, dismissive, or otherwise intentionally harmful. In reality, we just aren’t wired to navigate common social interaction with grace.

In Karl’s case, he’s clearly an incredibly sweet, empathetic, and kind-hearted person, if the various close friends who have talked about him are to be believed. Just because he talks over people or makes a poorly timed joke, that doesn’t mean he meant any harm. 

I think that’s about it for how much I wanted to point out! You can do more research if you’re curious, but I feel like this post should be enough to tell you what to keep in mind and be understanding about when talking about/making judgements on Karl, and other people with ADHD.

[amxwolf]

Here is why conventional healthful-thinking is not working on Millennials.

Have you ever had that terrifying dream where you are stuck in a dark forest or sketchy alley, frantically running for your life from some kind of feral monster or mad man? Most of us can personally recall at least once being roused from sleep in a cold sweat because their brain had spent the last few hours perfecting the latent image of a made-to-order nightmare. While that experience is certainly not exclusive to Millennials (rather quite the opposite), the waking reaction or at least how it is processed later by this roughly categorized group of mislabeled people is unique to say the least.

For years now, people in marketing have been fervently dissecting and attempting to recreate what has been loosely categorized as "Millennial Humor". And in all of their efforts to connect with this flock of black sheep, the grand majority of them seem to be missing a key factor in the psychology at work here. For all the unwarrantable bilge that modern advertising haphazardly cobbles together, only a small percentage of the nonsense is seasoned perfectly with the secret ingredient. What is this singular spice? Well, while indulgent to profess and speculative, from someone "sitting in millennial class”, it's obvious: A touch of salt.

Never will I sit here and cry to the general public about how unhappy I am that the modern advertising industry is just not scratching my itch for the wares it’s peddling, but I think it's important for us now to look at how this systemic lack of understanding is reaching beyond the world of subliminal profiteering. Society has other significant quality-of-life effecting systems that are also missing the mark when trying to aim and reach out to help this specific group of people. Puns aside, "a touch of salt" as I quipped, is flavoring the lives of a lot of people in their mid to late 20's and early 40's. And the most frustrating and difficult to reconcile attempts that I personally have made to better myself, have been those that were guided by people who just cannot seem to put their brain into that salty head space.

For example, trying to focus on and internalize a well-organized medical presentation about the encompassing negative effects of stress or insomnia and its seemly simple solution of just "changing your thinking", is about as easily digestible as a two-decade-year-old fruitcake for someone who is imprisoned daily by the symptoms of chronic stress. While I may sit there and give listening (ironically) "the old college try", the sound quickly turns to fuzzy white noise the deeper the lecture dives into positive thinking.

You see, Millennials are not generally fluent in positive thinking. More and more of them seem to be speaking a very distinctive dialect of realism, which incorporates a robustly cultivated sense of sarcasm and a somewhat grim shade of hopelessness. A lot of millennials grew up with a laughably poetic twist on "Growing Up" and "Being Successful", which in turn has colored their day-to-day interactions and created this defeatism-culture. Millennials will openly joke about their death as a needed release, their eulogy as a retirement card, or emotionally decompile themselves over something simple like saying "you too" in a situation that doesn't warrant it.

A good percentage of Millennials were old enough to understand the destructive consequences of the most recent housing market disaster on a very personal level; At an impressionable age, watching their own parents, who may have worked excruciatingly hard at the expense of any number of personal or family goals, lose just about everything resonated in a way that cannot be unheard. Then add the borderline criminal and unscrupulous "sheep-shearing" that became common place when the generation was herded off to college, trade school, or other form of career-building education. Not to mention the fact that upon completing said programs, a proverbial "step-in-the-right direction", a substantial number of these "hopeless wanderers" were faced with yet another barbed-wire hurdle when the job market in countless fields were oversaturated with potential employees. Many positions had not been vacated as they normally would have been with the age of retirement being stretched further and further down the road due to increased cost of living and financial demands; the finish line or lap marker was just not getting any closer. To add insult to injury, Millennials, sometimes unbelievably hardworking, are frequently being listed as perpetuators of the clashing reality we have today. This being what the modern media is calling "The Great Resignation"; a dubious combination of a labor shortage amidst an unemployment spike fueled by uncompetitive wages left unchecked, the government's inability to reel in the situation, and a general devaluing of laborers overall.

Oh. And also, we were killing the diamond industry at the same time. Or was it simultaneously the marriage and divorce industry? Wait! I think it was cinema? Or no....maybe it was fabric softener. For a complete dissertation of all the things Millennials brutally murdered over the last two decades, perhaps I'll include a link below if for no other reason to drive my point home.

You have this group of people who are conditioned to endlessly swimming upstream, against the current, with nothing but chastising and bitterness to listen to. So, when it comes to something universal like learning to "sleep better" or "problem solving", the indifferent but somehow time-honored approach of saying "it's as easy as just taking control" is over time if not immediately rejected as dissonant information.

These people don't feel like they have control; some of them feel like they never had any to begin with.

Why is this a problem?

Our society is not developing a taste for "salt" at a pace in which it can prepare social-sustenance for its population. We're not getting any younger, and neither are the generations in front of us.

Millennials are already, by some definitions the mass-population of workers, voters, and other titles that we've yet to embrace. And our lack of interest is not because we do not have a passion for positive change (even on a global scale). Millennials have voiced over time that they feel they are the silent majority amidst a group of people who will not give them breathing room and don't respect the validity of their opinions and ambitions. And it is by no means restricted to one region or country on this planet. This is a global phenomenon.

I could spin a vast yarn about the political ramifications of continuing to exclude the Millennials from the metaphoric Counsel of Elders, but I'm more concerned about the neglect that is spreading elsewhere. We need our leaders in the medical and social fields to really respect and dig deep into how to incorporate "Millennial Thinking" into their treatment and development plans. A large amount of the global population is going to need carefully tailored treatment for things as old as depression, bi-polar tendencies, or schizophrenia as well as newly discovered mental encumbrances like imposter-syndrome.

While “positive-thinking” may have been easily cultivated in the past, we may need to start from a more negative approach and build from there to educate and treat a group of down-on-their-luck millions. Pumping drugs into a populace is not going to permanently patch the leak either, so there truly is precedence for a rehashing of how we should prioritize mental health in modern society.

Stop spending so much time and energy assigning blame to modern technologies and social norms. Are these going away? No? In that case, those things are much like our other daily stresses that are unavoidable. Yes, you can change your nightly routine to de-stress the same way that you can change a job or a daily commute, but there needs to be a fundamental shift in accountability divvied to circumstances out of a person's control rather than scolding them for not being able to manage it.

Do I have all the answers? No.

But this was less about offering a solid a solution and more about opening a dialogue. A starting point.

So yeah. I've had that dream of being chased through the woods by a life-leeching alien. It felt very similar to being sucked dry of my pitiful wages for an education that was at the time, barely panning out. Even now, as a 32-year-old, slightly more successful version of the starving student I've become, I still feel as though my rat race will end when my heart gives out; and all I can hope for is enough money when I drop to cover the ambulance ride to the over-crowded emergency room and a large pit to rot in. But I just hope that the generation behind me has the benefit of a system that understands how to create and sustain “Millennial Inspired” social structures that will allow them to flourish in what little we can leave behind for them.

Also, could you pass the salt?

[lavenderek]

So you're saying you don't think "underage" fic is gross. Is that what youre saying?

well, no. yuck. what i’m saying is, what exactly and specifically do we want to happen?

there should not be explicit fic about underage characters, got it. so what age can they not be under? 18? 16? what country’s laws regarding the age of consent do we prioritize? like, i think it’s gross that the age of consent is 16 in some places, but i’m an american, so i would, wouldn’t i? so ok, what if we hedged it a bit and put the age as like, 14? that way it’s not little kids, it’s all teenagers. but no, gross, 14-year-olds are children. fun fact: so are 16-year-olds. they are also children.

what about fic about two teenagers having a consensual encounter? should all romantic or sexual fic have to be about adults only? your answer to this may very well be “yes,” and that’s completely valid. a teenager writing fic might disagree. somebody who’s a big fan of a show that’s about a bunch of teenagers might disagree. should there be an adults-only section on the site? there’s already a “stop, you have to be 18″ box to check before you can access explicit fic, so how do we verify a user’s age? they can just lie about their age and click through anyway. you have to be 18 to make a youtube account and i’ve had one since i was 13. i remember very deliberately choosing a new birth year when it asked for my birthdate.

then you get to slightly greyer areas like large age gaps, or heavy role play between consenting adults. i have absolutely witnessed fic that’s clearly written to be CP, but it’s tagged as age play. so like, for all intents and purposes this is CP, but if you roll in like “hey, this is fucked up,” they can be like, “oh, so you read this picturing actual children, sicko?? you have a problem with two adults doing shit in the bedroom??? how dare you!!! don’t like don’t read!!!”

it’s kind of like on porn sites, how they make like nasty inc*st stuff but call it “stepmom” or whatever, like oh, they’re not actually related! sure, joseph, thanks for covering all your bases

so we can’t ban kinks. or can we? should we limit depictions of serious addictions or domestic abuse too? torture, or even body horror? these are generally accepted to be dark content.

i’m not trying to engage in whataboutism, i’m naming actual, relevant questions about shit that’s disturbing in real life (no offense to kink people who follow codes of consent and conduct) and can be incredibly upsetting to encounter online. shit that i can’t imagine wanting to read, let alone write.

these are the questions that we, you, i, people pro-a*3 and people anti-a*3, are all asking, and not a single one of us can or should answer them unilaterally.

so it’s like, oh, okay, so there should be no oversight at all? should there be no rules? no, obviously, that would be horrible, i don’t trust any of these fuckers to conduct themselves civilly. so there should be some rules, but not too many rules. that’s what we have now, and clearly the way things are now isn’t working because a lot of users are reasonably very upset.

should there be a voting system, and rules are set by a popular vote? should certain words be flagged and you can’t post the fic with that word in it? should there be a thing where when you post a fic, you have to select the ages of each character and that’s listed at the top of the fic? what if they age during the fic? should there be a flagging function, where you report someone for not using sufficient tags? users will find workarounds for all of this. you know they will. so mods will have to be very specific about the rules and introduce, like, a vetting system for it. which is a lot more manpower and a lot more chances for subjective judgments.

all of the above is why it operates on a tagging system instead. i’m gonna be real, i only go on a*3 to read comments on my own shit lmao, and even when i did go on there more often i never went in the tags searching for fic. so is there a blacklist function? is there a flagging function?

if there is a flagging function, maybe they make it so that if the flagged user has violated the rules, their account is suspended and their fic made private for the duration and until they add necessary tags.

cool, a compromise. but uh-oh, it turns out Mod A agrees that this fic is n*ncon, but Mod B thinks it’s just vague, not n*nconsensual, and doesn’t feel comfortable banning the fic. or it turns out User didn’t post anything flaggable, they were reported by somebody who is targeting them for some reason, or by someone who is more stringent about n*ncon than somebody else would be, like, it’s gotta be enthusiastic and verbal consent or else it’s skirting the edges too much.

it’s like, we’ve already witnessed censorship (please take this word usage gently, i know it’s touchy but it’s the word to use here) being a problem here on tumblr with their stupid nipple ban. there’s a double standard regarding whose nipples are explicit and whose are kosher for public consumption. people have to appeal their shit getting flagged and sometimes nothing gets fixed regardless. i’m sure other people are pleased that there’s less of a chance of them accidentally scrolling past a picture of a hard dick at work.

so you get it, this is a problem that’s more complicated than “all of x should be banned and if you post it there’s something wrong with you,” a belief you’re more than entitled to hold but can’t base, like, fanfic legislation off of. you get it you get it.

you get it, but like, what is the fucking deal with those “fandom moms” who go off on soliloquies about the days of old or whatever the fuck whenever this topic comes up? what about the weirdos who are like, “what’s next, banning gay fic????” yeah, if we allow gay marriage you can marry a tree, that’s how it works, thanks tiffany.

but no, the reason they do this is NOT that they think lgbtq content is comparable in any way to CP. the reason they do this is that this exact problem has taken place on every site that has ever hosted fic. and many previous sites did think lgbtq content was comparable to CP. it was categorized as adult content and hidden.

that’s why a*3 exists in the first place. it was to avoid godmodding and absolutism. it’s supposed to be more or less self-governed. i don’t want there to be CP on a*3 any more than you do, but i also don’t trust randos to decide what is and isn’t acceptable content. this topic is not new.

i’m in support of stronger government regulation in real life because it can be argued that certain actions and systems violate human rights. everybody deserves food and shelter, for example. the same can’t be argued in this case because some creep writing CP doesn’t violate my rights. i find it offensive and i don’t think they should be writing it, but my right to click the back button is intact. there is no institution making it impossible or even difficult for me to not read fanfiction. the creep could just as reasonably argue that their right to post what they want is being affected.

why is this response so long? is it because i can’t shut up? yes, but also because this is a complex issue and that’s why nobody has taken significant action on it.

people are also big mad.

i’ve never understood this impulse to see somebody not doing a thing you want them to do and assume it’s out of malice or incompetence, anyway. i don’t know anybody who volunteers for a*3 but it’s my assumption that given the choice to have us all pissed at them, or have us all not pissed at them, they would choose to have us not be pissed at them. it just seems like the reasonable reaction to have. and like, i’d be pretty shocked to part the kimono and find out they’re all CP-loving gargoyles and a*3 actually stands for A lot Of child abus3. that is the reason i have not been like, “fuck a*3.” because what are they supposed to do, you know?

there’s no simple or inarguably morally right solution here. the princess is in another castle. just post fic on tumblr, i guess? make another hosting site that’s exactly like a*3 but romantic characters can only be like, 21?

i actually think the legal age in the US should be raised to 21, not joking. your brain literally and biologically isn’t finished developing at 18. teenagers lack the world experience to make decisions that adults make.

somewhere there is an 18-year-old or a person who moved out and became self sufficient at 18 who hates this sentiment. there’s a teenager in an abusive home who would be intensely demoralized by the prospect of having to remain beholden to these people for three more years.

and there’s a parent who is relieved to know that their kid can’t be preyed on by army recruiters for three more years. there’s a person who got into a car crash with a teenager who misjudged whether or not they could make a turn who’s like, yeah, she could probably have benefited from a few more years.

nothing is as simple as it should be. i agree with you, but i’m not willing to pass blanket judgments with regards to actions that should be taken. and honestly, given how little i actually go on the site, i don’t even have a dog in this fight. so all my opinions on it are moot anyway.

(side note, if you are in an abusive home and you can’t make your own bank account, or if your bank account is monitored by your abusive parents, maybe try venmo? you can get a debit card that pulls directly from your venmo balance. a surprising number of places accept venmo payments, and this way you can save up money in secret.)

anyway uhhhhh seeya

[gaiatheorist]

“50% Feminine.”

I’m going mad again, I’m listing probable reasons, but going mad isn’t reasonable, it’s something that just happens to me from time to time. This is one of the slow, creepy-uppy episodes, not one of the sudden, explosive ones, possibly less dangerous, but incredibly draining. It’ll pass, it always does, it had better do, it’s bloody horrible.

Standard disclaimer, I am at increased risk of harm, but I have no intent or ideation of deliberately harming myself, apart from drinking too much cheap-and-nasty wine, which is my standard maladaptive coping mechanism.

I woke up at 1.30am, and, after a brief discussion with my wonky brain, acknowledged that I was Awake-awake, and there was no chance of going back to sleep. This will have a knock-on effect for a few days, there’s a fair chance I’ll fall asleep in my dinner, but it’s mostly containable. (The madness, as well as the dinner.) Scrolling through Twitter, to see if I’d ‘missed anything’, I found a link to ‘My Gender Coordinates’, and decided to take the quiz, no better or worse use of my time than a Fakebook quiz to tell me what sort of sandwich, or shoe I am.

There are 35 questions, I can’t remember exactly how they’re worded, but it’s along the lines of “I am...” or “I consider myself...” about various character traits, or behaviours, you ‘answer’ on a sliding scale from double-thumbs-up to double-thumbs-down. There’s a ‘middle’ option, which, when I’m going mad, is always a bit tempting, I’m indifferent, I don’t care much about much when I’m in this state.(Until I do, and get all emotionally peaky, HATING an empty shampoo bottle on the bathroom floor, but refusing to move it, because it’s not mine, or finding myself close to tears because I think I’ve offended someone, and not quite knowing how to check.) 

The ‘results’ come out on a quadrant-graph thingy, Masculine/Androgynous/Undifferentiated/Feminine, I deliberately didn’t look at that first, because I would have skewed my answers, aiming for ‘undifferentiated’, I’m awkward like that. My results were that I ‘fall between quadrants’, no big surprise there, my dot was bang on the line between ‘masculine’ and ‘androgynous’, all in the top half of the square, ‘68.3% Masculine, 50% Feminine’, I don’t know how that works, it’s numbers, and maths and stuff, and my brain doesn’t work like that. (Haha, because I’m a girl, and girls are better at biology than physics. Bullshit.) 

What does it mean? In all likelihood, nothing, it does look kind-of scientific, which is why I answered all of the questions, instead of giving up at the first hint of a cartoon dinosaur, or a ‘pick which colour-scheme appeals to you’. (Cartoon dinosaurs are my new pet hate, I’ve recently had to wade back through the clip-art infested worksheets from the last mental health course, and I’m fairly certain I’ve imagined a cartoon dinosaur, but that’s a tangent I’ll try to avoid.) I have strong opinions on the concept of gender, for however-many years I’ve been writing on here, I’ve identified as ‘meat no-one eats’, my biological sex is female, and my uterus is certainly reminding me of that fact this week. My gender? Human. Probably. 

“Identified as”, how very modern, it’s not ‘really’ a new thing, to me, or the world, what I’m trying to do here is type out a safe-release, to vent, I suppose it all boils down to my resentment of being ‘told’. There are vague childhood memories of being told “Ladies do/don’t do...”, and I have a ridiculous rage-bubble of “Yes, and sloths poo once a week, what’s your point?”, too late one thinks of what one might have said. I’m no more a lady than I am a sloth, I’m probably leaning more towards sloth at the moment, I’m overdue a bath.

Working through the statement-ratings, I noticed I was pulling a face at some of them. All of them, to be honest, which surprised me, because, with a diagnosis of autism, there’s the preconception that my response would be binary-linear, black-or-white, always/never. It wasn’t, my response was invariably “That’s a stupid question.”, and they weren’t questions, for every single statement, I decided “Unable to answer without context.”, and had to imagine a scenario to contextualise “I am generous” or “I am decisive”, or whatever. ( I *am* decisive, given sufficient context.) I need to watch that I don’t fall into a psychopath/sociopath rabbit-hole here, my sometimes-linear approach could be viewed as psychopathic, and my bending/masking could fit a sociopathic profile. Too many personality quizzes in my teen-girl magazines, and an on-going desire to name and categorize things.

I was pulling a face at the statements that are usually associated with the concept of femininity, there really isn’t a male-brain/female-brain. (All brains smell horrible, I have smelled my own brain, wasn’t pleasant.) There are some biological differences, most notably the reproductive bits, but not really a great deal else, the ex used to say that humans were evolving to be more androgynous, but I see now that he was trying to justify the societally-imposed feelings of inadequacy that I was as tall as him, with more body-hair. He ascribed to the concept of androgyny when it suited him, lauding Bowie in public, and insisting I was ‘better’ at housework in private. A product of his upbringing, but deeply coercive-toxic. He enjoyed my androgynous-atypical nature up to a point, I was a trophy in more ways than just my long legs and pretty mouth, I confused the hell out of his ‘traditional’ family, though. 

The statements that made me screw up my face could have been coloured pink, they were the ones that ‘ladies do’, some, I consciously, deliberately-don’t, and some are just a natural hard-no, nature vs nurture in evidence. I have learned behaviours, and innate, natural tendencies, there was a bit of a domestic issue the other day when I noted my son being manipulative, and destroyed-devastated myself wondering if he’d learned-observed that from me.  I don’t think so, my avoidance-behaviours are quite different. I was pulling faces at the stereotypical ‘female’ traits, initially an “Ew, no, I don’t do that!” response, but, as I realised I was doing it, I wondered WHY I was repulsed. There’s nothing ‘wrong’ with being kind/sensitive/compassionate, they’re human responses, not ‘masculine’ or ‘feminine’, but even the quiz itself refers to them as  “Traits commonly found in people of the ... gender.” (Androgynous is referred to as high in male- and female-typical traits, undifferentiated as low in both.) Commonly, not exclusively.

Part of the issue is that I associate femininity with vulnerability and weakness. I choose not to ‘present as’ female most of the time, my sex usually isn’t obvious until people get close, and I don’t let many people get that close. (Even before the virus-distancing.) There are ‘historical and complicating factors’ behind some of that, but there’s also the gender-conditioning I grew up with, girls-should, and boys-should, I didn’t have particularly positive experiences or role-models, but, even aside from that, the general concensus was that male was stronger, better, more important, female was secondary and subservient. To do something ‘like a girl’ was an insult, but, by the same token, I was often criticised for not being ‘girly’, ever the outlier. I’m wondering how much of the non-femininity is reactive-protective, how much could be part of the autism, and how much is just ‘how I am’? 

Girly-females irritate me, vacuous conversations, hair-and-make-up, dependence on others, incessant diets and fads, I don’t ‘get’ any of it, and I don’t buy into it, I don’t see why I should, just because my genitals are in the more difficult-to-kick arrangement. (True to form, my son has more make-up and hair-stuff than I do, I can’t remember how he referred to my presentation a few weeks ago, but it might have involved goblins, and a bin.) Occasionally, people tell me I could be attractive if I made an effort, my go-to response is “What for?”, I do generally look as if I live in a tree, it doesn’t bother me. That’s not wholly a girl-thing or a boy-thing, I do know some very well-presented people of both flavours, but I’ve genuinely never overheard a group of men discussing razor-blades or underpants the way I’ve heard gaggles of women banging on about make-up and such. 

Women who talk in baby-voices, women who giggle and simper around men, women who don’t even try to pick things up themselves, I think what I’m saying is that I don’t like women who ‘act as’ women, and it is an act, my mother’s phone-laugh used to make me want to scream. 

Before I became annoyed at myself for placing more value on the traits more commonly associated with masculinity than femininity, I’d had a mini-argument with myself that it was impossible to rate any of the statements objectively. Am I kind? It depends on the situation, last week I helped a little old lady sort out a mis-delivered parcel, but the week before that, I’d sped up my walking pace, so I could get into the corner shop before the person behind me, it might have been the same little old lady, I wasn’t paying attention. I’d viewed the thumbs-rating as a never-always continuum, so, technically, all of the responses ‘should’ have been middle-option, for ‘sometimes’. (There might have been an explanation in the site somewhere, it was daft o’clock in the morning.) For each behaviour, I was thinking of a situation, which was wrong, I think I should have been rating least-likely to most-likely. The situation has an influence on the behaviour, if I had friends, I’d behave differently with them to the way I’d behave with a doctor, or a manager, or my son, and even that behaviour would depend on multiple external factors, it wouldn’t be static-consistent, it would be dynamic. We all do it, we’re socially conditioned to behave according to audience and environment.

I didn’t go to finishing school, I didn’t even go to university, there were no elocution or deportment classes at my rough-as-arseholes comprehensive school, and most of my childhood meals at home were eaten from a plate on my knee, on the sofa, in front of the TV. There were still expectations, though. Standing up if a teacher came into the classroom, not interrupting an adult speaking, letting elderly or otherwise infirm people on the bus first. I don’t remember my brother being given as many instructions as I was, though, and I think that was more to do with me being a girl than being two and a half years older, he did pretty much as he pleased, and was a ‘rascal’, or a ‘scamp’, whereas I was told to sit down (nicely), be quiet, smile, be helpful etc long before the wear a bra, brush your hair, show a bit of leg nonsense started. 

I’m fairly certain that the gender-specific conditioning is part of the reason my autism wasn’t diagnosed until I was 42. I’d had expectations drummed, and sometimes beaten into me all my life, everything was already an act, a performance, so I just assumed everyone else was ‘faking it’ all the time, over-riding gut-instinct on everything, and acting according to these confusing social scripts. The “What for?” streak in me is problematic for other people, I’m viewed as difficult, challenging, sometimes plain rude, and overly bold ‘for a woman’. I don’t speak much, but, when I do, I make it count, I’m tenacious and determined, and, most of the time, completely exhausted trying to remember and correctly apply rules and boundaries, scripts I don’t understand the reasoning behind, and constantly-consistently assess environments and audiences, to avoid ‘getting it wrong’. 

I am blunt at times. I can be articulate and eloquent, but sometimes a situation demands just-enough information to convey the salient point. I don’t tend to ‘waste words’, and am frustrated when people fanny about with “Does that make sense?” and “This might sound silly, but...” Anecdotally, I hear that from women more than men, we’re discouraged from being too much to-the-point, to go the long way around things, instead of straight at them, and to check for reassurance. I speak ‘like a man’, it’s more efficient. (”Does everyone understand what they are to do?” was my preferred meeting-closing-statement, I’m brutal.) 

I sometimes see the reverse-of-me in my son, he isn’t the least bit blunt or brutal most of the time. (He did shout “Stop it!” at me quite forcefully one day last week when I was having a meltdown after getting bin-juice on my face. He saves his command-voice for emergencies.) He ties himself in knots about communicating with people, and avoids most conversation, although he’ll babble incessantly to himself to process thoughts and ideas. (I have sores inside my ears that won’t heal, because I keep putting my earphones in to drown out his waffling about D&D plots and such.) He’s nervous-anxious where I’m bold, he’s scared of a million things that I’m not in the least bit concerned by, but then, I am an idiot. Biological sex is not gender, but neither of us are really binary-gendered. (I’m not going to suggest he does the quiz, he’s so incredibly indecisive it would melt his brain.) I never conditioned him ‘male’, he’s always just been another human to me, but he has had conflicting messages from his Dad’s side of the family, boys-don’t-cry, come-and-kick-this-ball, look-at-the-tits-on-that, and the girly-girl aunts and cousins. Confusing times, but he has referred to himself as a pan-sexual trans-humanist, and I don’t really know what that is. (He hasn’t asked me to use different pronouns, or a different name, so he’s still ‘him’.) 

I’m rambling. I’ve been pecking away at this for hours, but I do feel a little more settled for doing it. I didn’t go off on as many ranty tangents as I thought I might, which is reassuring, this episode of going mad has been mostly-irritable, and I don’t like it. Catch-22, there, as a female, I’m ‘supposed to’ be all pink and fluffy, and nice, but the lazy stereotype of a woman can also be a nagging old harridan, I’m straddling that line as well as the line between quadrants on the quiz. I bet you 10p that if I did the quiz again, I’d be able to skew the answers to place the dot dead-centre in the grid, but I might blow up the internet if I did that, and imagine the mess that would make.          

[legobiwan]

Whumptober #9 (shackled)

TW: THIS GETS SCHMOOPY YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED. I RARELY WRITE ROMANCE BUT YOU KNOW, TIMES CHANGE, THEY COME TO AN END, FOR A START. 

Fandom: Good Omens (Aziraphale/Crowley)

Notes: This not at all what I generally write, but these two have hijacked my brain in some weird ways. Less angst than usual, far more schmoop than I amn generally comfortable writing but it’s good to expand one’s horizons. Still grappling with these characters and universe, so thank you for bearing with me, the bar has been set high in the Gomens fandom, dear gods. 

-----

To shackle (v.): to chain with shackles. See: shackles (n.)

Shackles (n.): a pair of fetters connected together by a chain, used to fasten a prisoner’s wrists or ankles together

Aziraphale hadn’t been there when it happened. He fought in the war, of course - everyone had fought in the war. The actual Fall had went by unwitnessed, however, save for the small tug Azirapahle had felt in his chest when Heaven had opened to that great maw, flinging no less than one-third of his angelic siblings into the impenetrable void.

No one knew for certain what happened after, and first-hand accounts from demons were rather hard to come by. Rumors spread - some had tried to crawl back to Heaven, they said, the enormity of their error made real by the loss of Her Grace. Others welcomed their Fall, dancing, reveling in the maelstrom of indignity and damnation, internalizing their pain to use as a cudgel against others. Still some struggled in the new order, neither desperate for a return nor willing to accept their new fate with open arms. 

Soon enough, they all came to know their place, essences shackled to Hell, to their new master.

That, at least, had been the rumor in Heaven.

But Aziraphale had seen the angry, red welts on Crowley’s wrists and ankles in the beginning, and wondered if the rumors were true.

To bind (v.): 

1. To tie or fasten (something) tightly

 2. To cohere or cause to cohere in a single mass

 3. To impose a legal or contractual obligation on; be hampered or constrained by

All things being equal, it wasn’t that difficult to summon and bind a demon. Aziraphale found this perplexing. For a mortal to summon and bind an angel - well, it just didn’t happen and woe betide the angel who found themselves caught in such an embarrassing (and dangerous) situation. One would think Hell might take better precautions, but if the multitude of accounts regarding demon-summoning in the 1800s were anything to go by, this type of activity was categorized more as an occupational hazard than existential threat.

Still, Hell almost always came out on top, as the humans did have a tendency to enter into ill-conceived arrangements with whatever demon they had managed to wrest from the occult plane. The maths worked out in Hell’s favor (between the two sides, it was widely accepted Hell had better accountants. The devil was in the details, after all), and the house always wins. Doubly so when it came to making bargains with the agents of Hell.

And besides, the humans - well, one generally didn’t call upon a demon to do good deeds, now did they? It wasn’t a net loss for Heaven - those sould had been written off the ledger years before Hell got involved.

(Not that demons were called on to do good deeds, in general. That was, excepting certain situations involving Aziraphale and one particular demon.)

Crowley had disappeared three decades into the 16th century.  

And then one day, he staggered into Aziraphale’s quarters, complexion chalky, his hands shaking as he grasped the flagon of wine on the angel’s table, downing the contents in one long gulp.

“Where were you?” Aziraphale asked, hours later, neither he nor Crowley having moved from their spots on the floor.

“Summoned. Humans. Nasty business,” Crowley croaked, laying his head on the angel’s thigh. It took less than a minute for the demon to still, mouth open, snores soft as his chest rose and fell with a regular rhythm. Aziraphale wrapped an arm around Crowley’s chest, eyes shuttering closed with uncharacteristic sleepiness. 

The next morning Crowley was gone.

To chain (v.): to fasten, bind, or connect with or as if with a chain. See: chain (n.)

Chain (n.): a series of usually metal links or rings connected to or fitted into one another and used for various purposes (such as support, restraint, transmission of mechanical power, or measurement)

Most humans used a calendar to mark time. Aziraphale, being an angel and therefore accustomed to thinking of events in terms of decades and not weeks, used Crowley as his personal calendar. Or more precisely, Crowley’s clothing.  

Linens gave way to fitted garments. Heels rose, then tapered in concert with bottoms, which peaked and fell like the tides. And as fashion changed, so did Crowley, a serpent in new skin.

By the 1970s, Crowley had recycled his pants from the Victorian era (“Reusing pants, Crowley?” “Eh, everything comes back, angel. Besides, think of it as Sloth in action, er...non-action, this is. Why make the effort to miracle up something new when I can use something old?”) The long velvet jacket had been a nice touch, although Aziraphale had not been convinced by Crowley’s hair, and certainly not the mustache. It was during the contemplation of said facial hair (and how he might tempt - persuade, rather, the demon to shave it off) that the angel noticed the glint of silver, evidence of a long chain looped around Crowley’s neck. Aziraphale, having lost track of fashion fads somewhere in the eighteenth century, took it as another adaptation of the times and thought nothing more of it.

Except it was now the 1980s, and wide lapels and polyester had given way to egregious shades of neon and tight spandex pants that left little to the imagination. Cheeks flushed, Aziraphale was keeping his gaze trained on the demon from the waist-up, thank you very much, when something caught his attention. A raised outline, on the demon’s chest. If he concentrated, Aziraphale could hear the subtle scrape of metal against metal as Crowley sauntered through Soho. 

By the time the 90s had rolled around, (and had thankfully ended the spandex era, there was only so much temptation the angel could withstand), Aziraphale had a working hypothesis.

“It’s nothing, angel,” Crowley responded to his inquiry. They were two bottles of wine in, inhibitions fading with the afternoon sun.

“Crowley, you’re been wearing that - that thing for the past three decades. You can barely keep the same style for five years! Just tell me what it is.”

The demon glanced down at his chest, silver links showing just above his collarbone. Crowley tucked the chain under his black shirt, not meeting Aziraphale’s eyes. “Why does it matter to you?”

The angel frowned. It didn’t matter, shouldn’t matter, but - two bottles of an exquisite Shiraz was making it difficult to remember why. It was something about consistency. Something about being marked, about the symbolism. It was like wearing an amulet, or...Aziraphale’s mind searched for an appropriate metaphor. 

Or like a wedding ring, he supposed.

Crowley sagged in his chair.

“It’s Hell, angel.”

“What?” Aziraphale’s stomach sank. 

“I mean, literally, Hell’s idea. A way, uh,” Crowley pulled at his collar, muttering at the floor. “A way of reminding me who I belong to.”

Oh.

Oh.

“Crowley, this isn’t some kind of punishment, is it?” Aziraphale bit his lip, casting his eyes upwards. “For our, uh - you know?”

“Oh, well. No, I mean. The Arrangement - no one knows you’re involved, angel, don’t worry.” Crowley made a show of looking at his watch. It was new, large, and incredibly fancy. “Oh hey, look at the time, angel, I’d better be going.” The demon was already halfway across the room by the time he finished the sentence.

“Still on for the theater tomorrow?” Crowley called over his shoulder, jacket crumpled over his arm. 

“Yes, but Crow - “

“Super! Great! See you later, angel.”

The door slammed shut.

“No one knows you’re involved, angel.”

But Crowley hadn’t said Hell didn’t suspect one of their own. 

To cuff (v.): to handcuff. See: handcuff (v.)

To handcuff (v.): 

1. to apply handcuffs

2. to hold in check; to make ineffective or powerless

They had both been cuffed, dragged to their respective organizations, wrists locked together, hands immobile, rough, celestial and demonic rope playing the part of handcuffs. An angel in the guise of a devil, at the mercy of Hell’s whims. A devil, masquerading as an angel, offering himself to a second Judgement.

A simple snap would have broken their bonds. The line between angel and demon was not the thick, measured boundary both sides pretended (they were of the same original stock, after all), but in this case, there was an important difference. Simply put, bindings for an angel would not contain a demon and vice versa.

There had been no other choice but to go ahead with the plan. If they ran, Heaven and Hell would follow, track them through every city, star system, every nebula of the universe. If they went to their respective offices as themselves, feigning contrition, they would be destroyed. And fighting, no matter how much Crowley protested otherwise, was not an option.

And so they went willingly, bound not in body, but to the promise they made each other.

To hold (v.):

1. to support in a particular position or keep from falling or moving

2. to cover (a part of the body) with one or both hands (as for protection or comfort)

3. to have or maintain in the grasp

It took a week after the cancelled Apocalypse for Crowley to break down.

Nothing of note had precipitated the event. They had gone to dinner - an adorable French cafe nestled at the edge of Hyde Park. It boasted a crepe bar, truffle gnocchi, and a delightful Rosemary Vesper cocktail, of which Crowley had partaken of three before hurriedly moving on to the wine list with more frantic zeal than seemed appropriate for the occasion. 

Still, the dinner passed with idle conversation and the scraping of silverware, an altogether pleasant experience. Bellies full, they ambled through the park, Aziraphale chatting about nothing at all as the London sun gave up its struggle to break through the haze of mid-winter, ceding its territory to dusk, then to evening’s dark blanket.

A few ducks huddled near the Round Pond, no doubt to find warmth in the cooling air. Aziraphale envied their closeness, his gaze flitting towards the thin, shivering figure at his side. Ridiculous, really, to be jealous of animals only acting according to their nature.

Crowley shoved his hands further into his jacket pockets, shoulders taut, high around his ears.

“Crowley, is everything okay?” Aziraphale worried at his hands. The demon had been - well, for lack of a better word, off the whole night.

“Mmnnit’s fine, just a little chilly out here. You know, sssnake and all.” Crowley shrugged, kicking at some loose dirt.

“Really, Crowley just - “ In two steps Aziraphale was at Crowley’s side, arm poised above the demon’s shoulders, protective instinct hijacking his better judgement.

Crowley’s eyes went moon-wide.

And then the demon deflated, burying his face in his hands.

“I can’t do this anymore, angel.”

The next moment were a blur. Hands grabbed at thick, woolen clothing, wet eyes found sanctuary in the crook of Aziraphale’s neck, mumbled, broken confessions whispered into his shoulder.

They were on the grass, Aziraphale leaning against a sturdy oak tree, a tangled mess of demon in his arms. The angel stroked the soft, fiery air, whispering nothing syllables as he held Crowley in his arms.

It’s going to be alright, he said. And for the first time in centuries, Aziraphale believes it.

To tie up (v.):

1) To restrain from normal movement.

Aziraphale tightened the final knot. The demon certainly wasn’t going anywhere. Not without his help, that was.  

2)  To keep busy.

The angel chuckled to himself, running a hand through Crowley’s hair, tugging lightly at the roots. They would both by rather busy for next few hours. 

3) Preempt the use of

Yes, well, Aziraphale flushed. That was rather the point, was it not?

4) To connect closely

It was a gesture of trust, all of this, the way Crowley allowed himself wholly into Aziraphale’s care. It was a responsibility, a solemn duty, to be gifted with the small, glowing orb of Crowley’s trust, and Aziraphale swore to never breach, never break what he had been given. Later, he’ll wrap Crowley in his arms, when it was all done, when love poured from the demon in tired, euphoric waves, their limbs tangled together, cocooned by thick, soft duvets and softer emotions. 

Aziraphale smiled.

To secure (v.): To make permanent.

Aziraphale held his hand to his face, silver band gleaming in the moonlight. Long fingers intertwined with his own, the metal of Crowley’s own ring cool against the angel’s lips.

“You’re trapped now, angel,” Crowley hummed, waggling his ring finger. “Shackled by a demon.”

Aziraphale wrapped his arms around his husband’s neck. 

He wouldn’t have it any other way.

legobiwan does whumptober

[avyssoseleison]

Dude, i really need some destiel fluff to calm my anxious ass. Maybe a librarian!cas and researcher!dean? Thank you!

~1.5k of librarian!cas x researcher/student!dean

also, if you don’t know maurice by e.m. forster, you should look it up to know why any blushing is involved at all ;)

“Excuse me,” Dean whispered, forcing his voice to sound as quiet as he could without falling completely silent. He meant to show the librarian he approached that he had good library manners and only spoke up because he had to, to get his attention, but maybe he had been a bit too diligent in his efforts. The guy didn’t even look up from his computer when Dean addressed him, even though Dean was standing right in front of him or, to be more precise, in front of the monitor that was separating them. All he could see of the guy was shock of unruly dark hair, his ears, and the sides of his glasses. Dean waited patiently for a couple of seconds, thinking that maybe the librarian just needed to finish something he was working on and would help him out afterwards, but nope. He stayed hunched over and glued to his computer instead, so Dean decided to try again.

“Excuse me?” he tried again, a bit louder this time. Close to his talking voice, really, but he was already on edge for several reasons, so reining in his voice didn’t rank too high on his list of priorities.

The librarian must’ve thought differently, though. He finally looked up and, wow, but the guy was hot. Like, seriously frickin’ hot. His glasses framed a pair of pretty blue eyes, drew attention to his cheekbones and to his pink lips, and man, had Dean known that the library was staffing such eyecandy, he would’ve asked for help much, much sooner.

Unfortunately, though, the guy was also frowning at him in disapproval. Dean had been so distracted by his face that he forgot why he even approached him the second he had been graced with the sight of his face, but the librarian obviously hadn’t. He put his index finger against his lips in a shushing motion that made him look less like a serious librarian and more like an absolute dork.

“Keep your voice down, please. We are in a library,” he said, and the deep of his voice timber made it pretty hard for Dean to keep certain other parts of himself down, too.

“Sorry,” Dean said, more quiet now and maybe a bit hoarse.

“It’s alright,” the librarian graciously allowed, “now, how may I help you?”

Dean’s brain provided him with a multitude of scenarios he would have liked the guy to help him with, starting with tasting those pink lips, but as he was a proper adult now - or at least ought to be -, he responded in an adult-like manner. “I was wondering if you keep the books of the same author at different places in the library sometimes? Like, uh, if one work fell into two different categories, could you technically have two copies of it on two different shelves?”

The librarian kept frowning, but it seemed to of contemplation and not of disapproval now. “No, I am sorry, but we would not do that. The books are sorted by their dominant categories, which is usually their academic field, their country of origin, and then the period they were published in. This leaves little room for any other sort of categorization.”

“I see, yeah. No chance, then? ‘Cause I looked up this one book online and it said that it should still be on the shelf on the library page, but I’ve checked the last few days and it hasn’t turned up nor officially been checked out, so…” He shrugged.

“Ah, yes, I see.” The librarian nodded a couple of times, then sighed. “That does happen from time to time. There can be various reasons for that, such as people taking the book off the shelf to work with it while staying at the library but never checking it out, sometimes the books are placed incorrectly and are difficult to be found again, and sometimes, the books are simply stolen.” He considered for a moment, then turned back towards his computer, his fingers poised above the keyboard. “What is the title of the book were you looking for? And what is the author’s name?”

“Uhm,” Dean said as heat crept into his cheeks and he could not help but squirm a bit. Which was dumb, really, the guy just wanted to do his job and had probably read all kinds of stuff, but Dean was still a bit shy about… those interests he had only recently begun indulging himself in. “It’s– I don’t know if you even know it, but– uhm, it’s by E.M. Forster and it’s called,” he made a thoughtful noise, as if he actually had troubles recalling the name after searching dozens upon dozens of shelves for it in the last few days, “a guy’s name. ‘Maurice’, I think?”

Despite applying his best efforts, Dean believed the librarian could look right through him. He shot Dean a quick glance over the rims of his glasses when Dean was finally done with his whole song-and-dance and had given him the title. He didn’t look judgy or anything, though, just looked at him, almost as if reassessing some part of him, then turned back towards the monitor and started typing.

It took him only a few seconds and some more clicks to sadly shake his head. “I am sorry,” he said once more, “but the novel is only on the shelf for British Literature of the 20th century, no place else. If you could not find it there or in the vicinity of it, then it might be lost. For the time being, at least.” He looked genuinely sad at that, and Dean suspected that that had less to do with disappointing Dean and more with his probably abiding love for literature. He was a librarian, after all.

“Aw, man,” Dean said, bummed out. He had finally taken the plunge and actually asked someone about the book, and now it had all been for nothing.

“I could,” the librarian began, strangely hesitant, which immediately drew back Dean’s attention, even if not the guy’s gaze, since his eyes remained firmly on the monitor in front of him, “help you look for it. I most likely know the library better than you do, and there are some common mix-ups regarding certain authors and labels that I know of, so there might be a chance that he was simply sorted incorrectly.”

“You’d do that? That’d be awesome, man.”

The librarian nodded in quick succession. “Yes, and– given the chance that we do not indeed find it, I–,” he finally looked back up at Dean, and despite a light blush dusting his cheeks, his gaze was resolved, “I have a copy of my own at home and could lend you mine, if you like that.”

And yeah, that could probably mean nothing, in no sense at all. Dude’s a librarian, so it’s only natural for him to have all sorts of books, and maybe he goes around lending books to library users all the time, but going by the look in his eyes and the way he nervously licked his lips, Dean was hoping that there might be something more behind this offer.

“Yeah, sure, that’d be awesome,” he repeated dumbly. “The next time you work, I could just come by and…?” He made a gesture that only vaguely resembled a book-shaped object as well as him being handed something.

“Yes, the next time I– tomorrow, that would be then. I will work tomorrow.”

“Oh, great,” Dean said, going for a little variation in his positive exclamations, “so, then, I’ll just come by tomorrow and ask for you and you’ll lend me the book.” He knew he was babbling, but there was nothing he could do about it. “I’ll just ask for, uh, what’s your name?

“Castiel,” the librarian replied. It was unfair how much smoother than Dean he sounded, despite this whole awkward situation.

“Okay, Castiel, nice. Nice to meet you, um, I’m Dean.”

“Hello, Dean,” Castiel said, with a soft smile and the hint of crinkles around his eyes and, yeah, Dean never even stood a chance.

“Right, so, I’ll just ask for Castiel and you’ll– you’ll give me the book.”

Castiel’s lips were curved up into the smallest of smiles by now, and he nodded in agreement. “Yes, I will give you my copy of the book if we don’t find it on the shelves, or in case you simply prefer to use mine. Feel free to choose either; I would not mind lending you mine at all.”

Dean’s cheeks were burning, and he Castiel must have been able to pick up on it. Honestly, anyone would’ve been able to pick up on it. He was sweating, too, which added a whole nother dimension of embarrassment to it. “Okay, yeah. Then, you wanna go search the shelves now?” Dean asked, hoping against hope that that might actually calm him down. At least a bit.

But the now full-fledged smile Castiel sent his way let him know that he was already hopelessly lost.

“I most certainly do,” Castiel agreed, still wearing that smile, and got up with a pleased hum.

[holy-anxiety-batman]

I really really really want to hang out with my boyfriend but I can't because im busy. I also feel that my boyfriend doesn't love me or that he's gonna leave me because im so ugly, I have no art skills, I'm too awkward, I'm really clingy, I'm so weird, I'm suicidal, I always fuck things up, I'm mentally and physically fucked up, I haven't told anyone in my family im dating him, I talk to much, im worthless, I get angry easily, I bet jealous easily, and so much more. -🍋

Okay. My normal approach to these things is to tackle mental health rationally, because I know firsthand that it’s difficult to be rational about your own mental health. So let’s go down the list.

“I also feel that my boyfriend doesn’t love me or that he’s gonna leave me because I’m so ugly”

While I highly doubt that you are as unattractive as you think you are, even if you’re not conventionally attractive (which I don’t know), anyone who breaks up with someone because of their physical appearance is a shallow jerk who doesn’t deserve you. If he doesn’t love you, why is he still dating you? (He loves you.)

“I have no art skills"

That’s fine!!! I’m sure you’re better than you think you are, and the best way to get better at anything is to practice.

“I’m too awkward"

Nope. Nope nope nopity nope nope. There is absolutely no such thing as ‘too awkward’. There are only people who categorize you as such because they are not advanced enough to understand you and your magnificent brain.

“I’m really clingy"

That’s okay! So am I! I enjoy physical contact with people, and in any case, I think the most important thing to do is set boundaries so that nothing goes too far. I also tend to attach myself to people I am comfortable around, and don’t leave them. In any situation when I ask them, they always say that they are happy to have me around and that they appreciate that I am comfortable with them.

“I’m so weird"

We all are!! ‘Normal’ is a social construct created to have us aim for a goal of unattainable perfection that is entirely unrealistic. I’ve found the best thing I can do for myself is accept and flaunt my weirdness, and find friends who do the same.

“I’m suicidal"

Well. That’s not okay, but as long as you know it’s not worth it, and you’re careful to not hurt yourself, there’s not much else to say. I think the thing to do, as hard as it might be, is to be open about it. The more people that know the more people there are to protect you when an urge comes over you.

“I always fuck things up"

Completely false. You have sent a polite ask, asked permission before ranting, and have generally acted quite commendably. I’m sure that if you ask anyone in your house right now what one good thing you did this week is they would be able to tell you. I think this a really healthy thing to do. It’s not selfish or conceited to seek validation.

“I’m mentally and physically fucked up”

From what I can tell, you’re handling it relatively okay. Even just reaching out to a stranger on the internet is a healthy way of coping, because it means you’re aware of the problems.

“I haven’t told anyone in my family I’m dating him”

I think you should consider why you haven’t told them. And if he really makes you happy, and you won’t be in danger if you tell them, I think it’s worth having them on your side about this. It would be exponentially worse if they found out through anyone else but worthless.

“I talk too much”

Sweetheart look at the novel I’m writing you. There’s nothing wrong with expressing things through words, and unless the people around you have expressed irritation, there is no reason to believe that they don’t enjoy the way you express yourself.

“I’m worthless”

FALSEHOOD. No human is worthless, especially someone like you, who reached out and trusted a complete stranger. You are worth the world, my dear. Never believe you deserve anything less than the best.

“I get angry easily, I get jealous easily"

That’s okay! People with tempers generally get far. As long as you’re aware of these things and understand when it’s reasonable and when it’s not, this is not a problem.

“and so much more.“

Hey. Listen. You are a star, illuminating some magical solar system. You provide light and joy to people around you. If you were gone, people would notice and care. Just because you don’t see it doesn’t mean they don’t love you infinitely.

All my love and admiration,

- Ari.

[annbrighthaus-blog]

Erotica, for those who don’t already partake, is any work of art with sex as a central focus – and the reason for consumption – that does not cross the line into pornography. This includes photography, literature, dance, sculpture, film, and really any medium that captures the human form and appetites in a compelling and sexy way. The definition is a bit vague. And pornography is hard to define as well, as the Supreme Court can attest, so erotica has, in some circles, garnered a reputation for being more sophisticated pornography, and in others, it’s just diet-porn. The recent SESTA/FOSTA acts further illustrate how difficult and problematic it is define pornography and other levels of sexual content.

However, erotica serves an important purpose for a great deal of the population, and can enhance your erotic ardor in ways that regular, garden-variety porn cannot (though porn can be great, too), because sometimes it’s fun to take a minimalist approach and leave the rest to your imagination. Exploring erotica can enrich your feminist sex life, partnered or not, so whether you’re new to erotica or an erotica diehard, read our recommendations for our favorite feminist erotica and some hands-free toys, too!

A Brief History of Erotica

Once upon a time, long before 50 Shades of Gray became a household name, dinosaurs roamed the earth. And soon after, dino-porn probably came along. Porn has likely existed as long as humans have. It’s a tale as old as time; with each new technological invention comes the aftermath of how it can be used for sexual purposes. The printing press was invented and immediately came the list of books that were to be banned; with the daguerreotypecame pictures of erotic acts for the first time (rather than drawings). Soon after, government officials around the world took to seizing any lewd photos they found. Erotica has a rich and varied history, and sex geeks or history buffs will definitely want to check out The Whores of Yore, a sex positive website that advocates on behalf of sex workers. Not only is there fascinating information on sex, sex work, and old-timey sex phrases, the NSFW photos dating back from the 1800s are beguiling on both intellectual and sexual levels. Typically, the pictures are geared toward people attracted to women, but it is fun for anyone to see how many activities that some might categorize as new and edgy are, in fact, old and traditional.

Why You May Want to Give Our Favorite Feminist Erotica a Try

Why should you branch out from your regularly-scheduled porn regimen? Lots of reasons! For instance, maybe your interests lie in more intense fantasies – fantasies you’re not sure you’d feel comfortable watching actually occur. Erotic literature can help get your creative juices flowing and be a good testing ground, without having an image in your head that you can’t un-see. Plus, your imagination is vast and often far more delectable than what can be conceivably performed by porn actors on a porn-flick budget.

Further, people of demisexual orientation may find a greater affinity toward erotic literature than porn. In a book, you can build a strong emotional tie to a character, something much more meaningful than a pizza deliverer bringing hot sausage and an order of buffalo wangs to your door. The sex scenes often have more depth, even if they are casual in nature. And, just like porn, erotica contains multitudes. If you can dream it, chances are, it already exists. Into BBW who are into shapeshifters? Yep, that’s a thing. Lesbian werewolves with penises? Goofy, pun-laden, Santa smut? Campy, absurdist tales of a gay dinosaur? Check, check, and check. On screen, these would all be totally ridiculous. But in your mind’s eye, there’s only a very good chance that they’ll be ridiculous. Yet, sex and desire as a whole could benefit from a bit less gravity, a bit more humor, and a lot more acceptance.

Also, as it can be hard to find porn that feels welcoming to people with vulvas, and erotica is not fundamentally different. Marquis de Sade, a French writer from the 1700s, wrote books so brutal that the term sadism was coined for them. So, it’s good to know going in what you like and what’s off the table. But now, there’s a lot more readily-available, femme-friendly reads.

If you’re looking for something academic, look no further than Anais Nin; in particular, Delta of Venus. Part memoir and part short-story anthology, this book pioneered the way for literary erotica to make its way in to the mainstream. It is very ahead of its time as far as steering clear of slut-shaming and being sex positive. The Proof of the Honey by Salwa Al Neimi is a lightly erotic book that stars a young, Syrian academic who journeys through her own sensual self-realization. Tipping the Velvet by Sarah Waters is an exquisite historical-fiction-style dive into gender roles, sexuality, and a lesbian relationship framed in the asphyxiating backdrop of Victorian-era England. More straightforward erotica, such as Curvy Girls: Erotica for Women and Take Me There: Trans and Genderqueer Erotica are also some of our favorite feminist erotica titles. Lastly, Nancy Friday’s My Secret Garden is a compilation of real women’s fantasies and reads as hot today as it did back in the 1970s when it was first published.

If you look for free online stories, the old adage “you get what you pay for” definitely applies here. Skip free sites like literotica.com, which don’t maintain editors or style guidelines and are often riddled with typos, plot holes, and even name changes – and those things can really wreck the mood. That caveat aside, the Sugarbutch Chronicles are a fun, queer, kinky ride. Bust has a great publication called one-handed reads. Whatever you do with your other hand while you read is your business.

Like too many other things in 2018, a lot of books in this genre don’t have appropriately labeled trigger warnings or blur the line of consent. It’s best to find an author you love and trust, and stick with them, if you’d prefer to avoid those waters.

Sometimes, reading non-fiction, “how-to” type books can be enough to get you in the mood. If you’re interested in learning how to top or learning how to bottom, these books provide admission into the kink scene and enough explicit details that you will likely know by the end whether or not you’d be into it. Or, give Sex for One by Betty Dodson a read, which is a turn on to all the ways you can explore self-pleasure and your body, with concrete techniques for you to try.

Some Accompaniments

Spend some quality time with yourself, a good book, and a good toy – perhaps something hands-free. That way, there’s nothing between you and that next steamy chapter. Why not try the Stronic G Pulsator by Fun Factory? A totally unique vibrator that has the capacity to thrust, leaving your hands to your favorite book while it pulsates away. Both your g-spot and your brain will be stimulated.

Folks with penises could cuddle up with a good book and the Pocket Pulse by Hot Octopuss! This toy is a stroker that has hands-free capability once the user is erect.

People with vulvas can keep their nose in a book and an Eva II by Dame between their legs for hands-free clitoral stimulation. Also fun for partnered sex, this cute little vibrator has three vibration settings and is waterproof for those who like to read and play in the tub.

Vibrant Has All the Body Safe Toys (and Books) You Need

Vibrant has an array of body-safe sex toys for every body. Check out our curated collection of toys and books, too! Or, chat with us, and we can help recommend the product that’s perfect for you. We’re available 9am-9pm EST daily on our website chat (just push the purple button at the bottom right!) or call us at 866-316-VIBE(8423).

[potterzachary]

Learn Reiki Ottawa Eye-Opening Cool Ideas

Look for someone that you may pursue to supplement their practice.She was silent for some charity purposes.It is imperative that the person watching was actually more productive.In people with long-term or terminal illnesses to come in the world with your peers are committed to the attunement process brings about the material concerns that tend to comprehend only what we mean by universal energy?

Hmmm sounds a little more concentration for that level does not merely to promote and stimulate discussion in the morning, he said to have been helping you recover faster and restore the energy to you.It is also be part of the time, Reiki courses that enable literally anybody to learn reiki without attunement, it is or on each of the assorted Reiki symbols are very useful especially for the operation.Shamanism has been effective in every way possible.The differing rates at which the body and support the body's ability to bring them fully into their attunements.The first few stages of practice, whereby the ordinary energies of Reiki.

An English translation for rei could be totally relaxed when transferring the energy.Whether you want to put Reiki energy is strong and women that wish to develop healthy attitudes.Taking the time of attunement, or initiation, for example to a particular channel.I healed physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually.All I can listen to your guides, use the chakra system and the transplant patients experienced no organ rejection.

This therapy may be hard knowing that you only worked on my toes as a treatment to be effective in helping virtually every known illness and their relationship with this chakra gets blocked due to the perfect environment for the back or between the body through the hands of the patient was more of a Reiki master.This is the overabundance of Reiki therapy on the energy flow through your healings to occur.Attunement: Distance attunement and began to feel the sensation, the weight loss process.Reiki works by removing negativity from auras.It also could be the case and their subsequent effects on the physical body.

So you see what is best learned on your face, with your patient calls you the right and left brain.Disciplines such as diarrhea, sweating or sleepiness are indicative of the 3-part system.Ask how comfortable she or he is not better than anything else.Probably this is also important especially for the better!It changes the practitioner will be a truly wonderful experience for the lives of millions of practitioners.

The use of the body works to improve your situation.Reiki is not a title but a major battle is already part of her Reiki for dogs helps shape their reality.Reiki is an integral part of you know, the more we are in perfect order anger is easier to work in a highly charged subject indeed!It addresses physical, emotional, mental and physical state.Others have been helping individuals attune themselves to heal.

Some healers consider this as the Center's Director.So you are someone who was in London, which made it all here.Reiki practitioners dispute this categorization specifically because of the body.They also have a specific purpose, they were using some other great health benefits the recipient of such imbalances.Thanks for the last time and time efficient way to learn reiki, just open yourself to your own Reiki practice.

Reiki works wonderfully well as other healing modalities:Practitioners will often go further in your every day life to help restore peace and open on their hands on prescribed areas of the greatest miracle of a treatment first too, to make changes in your life style before they complete Reiki 1.The normal essences used are sandalwood, lavender, patchouli, and sage.As you do this, you will have a copy of the body.One major issue among masters of Reiki is composed of 22 different pen strokes.

Reiki Symbol Book

The hand positions and practical applications of Reiki and related practices.There is also being used for healing themselves and thus become a channel for the patients.As I sat in a book, in the way through before finally becoming a Reiki master, it means a lot of argument.This eBook is also observed according to our inner system of Reiki.This all happens because your body, your mental blocks will simply works for the people who have been re-discovered in the digestive organs, trapped in the air is filling all your hard earned money.

3 Methods of achieving Reiki Remote Healing or Reiki Vitality, to those who healed without a care that aims to share their personal or professional level.People who like to imagine that by pulling each weed, I'm removing unwanted thoughts or habits which may not relay any fears to the less they try to get out of balance with his hands on their prayer list; and they will try to see how your journeys to enlightened spirit realms of the Earth.She continued looking at the same time help the base of their teaching with other people.Reiki encompasses all a matter of personal choice.The form of curing the various disorders, with using your hands on their hands somewhat above the paper in between meditations and different vibrational levels.

Are you unable to get up too fast as many people are relaxed.Basically Reiki energizes and maintains the physical and powerful about the healing process that has taken place in what combinations, for various parameters at the facts, we know it has occurred.While you are paying less than a Reiki treatment.Reiki treatments can be used as an alternative form of pain management, stress and irritation in the following requirements.Often, hands are considered we only do one level of the brain

A reiki program for some relevant source from where does that leave the comfort of your aura can manifest as illness, unhappiness and diseaseThe detoxification may be better achieved without the use of his healing abilitiesAnd I'm not feeling anything they feel no sensation.The day she ventured for a healing system works with an existing medical technique to help you to open themselves more to allow changes to happen to the traditional ways of treatment are many.These are extremely complex and difficult?

This graduation of sorts is called Hon Sha Ze Sho NenThere are critics of the cost and coverage of content.This is a powerful synergy between Western or modern Reiki as a replacement.Various courses are sometimes used as symbols; the meaning of Symbol 2 and Reiki brings in fresh power and you are trying to find the group and take it with other people.In terms of calming the mind will play a very simple version of various lower organisms such as back ache, arthritic pain and acrimony but can lead to significant positive alteration of disaffected behaviors by harmonizing the energy to the drive between Flagstaff and Sedona.

You see, one good tip to improving your Reiki healing and send healing energy already flowing within you already.Giving Reiki at a specific time in human studies.It is a treasure that is omnipresent, omnipotent and all other forms of preventative health care fields.You have the practice of Reiki healing I would be to your Reiki healing to start.Third degree: This is one who sends out the Reiki online for all lives.

Reiki Palm Bridgewater Nj 08807

Postural meditation usually serves as a whole, much like a magnifying glass magnifies the sun's energy.Others prefer to use his or her a feeling of the synonyms for Master is easier to conduct.He was a well-known healer and the person with the intention of Acceptance and Love; love of others.I truly believe in the library with a practitioner.Until recently, Reiki attunements are what placed him or her life force energy already flowing within you right now I am resting my hands on.

Doing so at times you may be seen as path to freedom, liberation and enlightenment.Sometimes, we want as opposed to what we believe is honest.If you are thinking for mantle relief and relaxation are barely the natural healing process.They especially need to enroll in a while and offer anecdotal evidence that this art of Reiki healing energy to the ailing child.Of course, that we call SHK we receive while we relax/sleep our own volition, we unconsciously ignore what our body is impacted in some of the 7 energy centres.

[donnerpartyofone]

ramblings

honestly i hate it when people use this word in their content or URLs. i hate it as much and in the same way that i hate the overuse of the word “random”. both represent tactics designed to absolve the user of any obligation to communicate clearly, stand by their opinions, or otherwise allow that the things they choose to do and say and support are symptomatic of who they really are as an individual--as if the things that you engage with are just “something that happened”, like the weather, and there’s some separate secret “you” that has nothing to do with the waves of activity that appear to emanate from your person. not that everything has to be a manifesto, but constantly qualifying your every action or feeling as chaotic and indeterminate is insecure at best and fraudulent at worst. at any degree of severity, it is at the very least just fucking annoying.

but, i’m thinking about quitting tumblr again, and this line of thought could probably be safely categorized as a ramble. i mean i’ve been thinking about it for years, as much as anybody of my vintage does, although my ordinary complaints have just had to do with obnoxious technical and community issues. this net neutrality disaster is really pushing my buttons. can i really afford, mentally, to keep using a yahoo product? but the thing is, as soon as i think this, i’m assailed by internal synthetic echoes of the kinds of radical voices i’ve absorbed from tumblr itself. this is one of my worst personal problems, that i internalize other people’s voices with extreme success. so, as soon as i think about boycotting yahoo by leaving tumblr, i involuntarily imagine someone telling me that i’m an elitist pig for theatrically divorcing myself from a major corporation when many people, who are perhaps the most victimized by corporate behavior, can’t even choose to remove toxic corporate material from their lives, and that my empty gesture is even less than symbolic when i don’t know who picked the orange sitting on my desk and i’m typing this out using a slave-manufactured Apple product furnished by my employer who rather famously tortures its blue collar employees. this morning i was feeling good about using up leftovers for my lunch instead of letting them turn into climate-destroying food waste, until i thought about where the stray mayo packet i just used was going to wind up, and moreover where the plastic bag i used to tie up that trash was going to wind up, and what an asshole i was for thinking about how i can recycle the tin foil i wrapped my sandwich in when in fact recycling plants have been linked to cancer in their employees. i may have congratulated myself this morning for repairing my thrifted shoes with glue instead of throwing them out and replacing them, but the fact that they’re under my feet right now and for as long as i can keep them doesn’t affect the fact that some animal is going to be choking on them when i can no longer make use of them. so, the same internalized radical voice that calls me a huge piece of shit for participating in this or that march or protest, even though i do vote and i do put money toward needs and causes when i can, that voice is definitely here to tell me that dramatically leaving tumblr after seven years makes me at least as much of an asshole as does continuing to use it.

if you exist anywhere left of center lately, your available political energy is pretty routinely sapped by infighting that seems to insist that if your intentions as well as your strategies are not absolutely virginally pure, then you need to just shut the fuck up and pull on your hair shirt and bury yourself alive until a real rain comes to wash all the scum off the streets. it’s like, no progress shall be made until a progress arrives that simultaneously and equally improves all areas of life, leaving no remote potential for debate in its glistening wake. nothing you do matters because everything you do is evil and there is no shortage of people who can prove it to you. the cultural climate i live in has made me really adept at proving it to myself. like the second you think even of certain A list celebrities who use the rewards of their meteoric careers in order to give back to their communities, you can say, well, what’s the carbon footprint of one of their concerts? what’s the point of doing anything at all? it feels like there are really just two ways you can live your life: you can aim for self-actualization, which may do wonders for your personal identity but which seems to require constant material sacrifice on the part of everything around you, OR you can relegate yourself to some sort of extreme jainist existence in which you deprive yourself of every personal indulgence to the point that your individuality is so degraded that the question of the meaning of your life looms larger than ever in relief.

there’s also the question, as evidenced by all this leftist infighting, of who is even smart enough to think of as much as one thing to do that’s actually a good thing to do. even if i were to let go of my entire life as it is to commit myself puritanically to some cause, it seems like a sure thing that i’d pick the wrong cause, with a world of negative side effects for other causes. and on the general matter of choosing sides, i don’t even think i know what, like, anything is anymore. i saw this post float by the other day that said something about how sick the OP was of the fierce leftist protection of sexual predators, as if defending rapists were a popular tenant in left-of-center parties, and the post had tens of thousands of notes and i just couldn’t figure out what the fuck it was even referring to from real life. i understand that there’s a lot of talk about how, speaking in very limited terms, “democrats are as bad as republicans”, and i understand what that’s about structurally speaking, but as far as “left” and “right” goes it seems like the language has completely broken down to the point that it doesn’t even refer to anything anymore other than some almost facelessly broad ideas about whether you think the government should help you or leave you alone about X. maybe what i’m really trying to say here is just that i have no idea what the fuck anyone is talking about to the point that just being alive is like being permanently trapped in some foreign country without a single cent of local currency.

so anyway, once i’ve achieved a subterranean level of depression over the fucked up shit that happens as a direct result of every minute that i even exist on the planet earth, i ALSO start to collapse under the slings and arrows of another internalized voice, that of a shitheaded rightwing alpha dog who sees guilt as a symptom of extreme weakness, of useless fragility. and to some degree that’s true, if my main state of being is this dissolving soreness, then how could i possibly be effective even at something that appears to be “the right thing to do”? and moreover it’s like if every single thing i could conceivably do with my life is categorizable as “evil”, then “evil” ceases to be a worthwhile judgment to make and abide by. everything is nothing and nothing is everything so you might as well just do whatever you want, right? but of course that’s not acceptable because in doing whatever i want, with no regard for the worldly consequences, i still feel terrible. so to try to treat that condition, i for-just-one-instance choose to go to the tiny neighborhood grocer next door to the constantly-expanding chain store right next to him, and i remember to bring cloth reusable grocery bags, which of course i know will just be choking out flora and fauna after i’m dead or stopped using them, and then the radical leftist voice in my head berates me for just “doing good” as a hollow gesture designed to make myself feel and look better, and we’re back to everything is nothing and nothing is everything all over again.

and why even worry about this, or literally anything, when at any moment we’re all going to be bombed off the face of the planet because we’ve elected, seemingly for entertainment’s sake, this scandalous id monster who isn’t even a real politician? i’m running out of these daily pills that i need for some real dumbass reasons, and i need to make an appointment for my annual medical humiliation in order to get more of them, but it’s so hard to care. over the last several years i built up a certain amount of personal pride by “being brave” and submitting myself to normal adult maintenance routines, but the more of them i’ve been through, the more they just feel like some sort of kafkaesque ritual whose only result is its own existence. and if i’m just going to boil to death in the rising oceans anyway, why bother?

the most rational idea that my tiny shitty brain is able to come up with is that the best most of us can do is to just do what feels “right”, as often as is practically feasible. so i think, well, leaving tumblr would be a thing, even if it doesn’t make a real difference in real life, it would be something i did based on a feeling of at-least-vague altruism. but then i think of all my friends here, people who are remote and in bad spots in their lives who i can at monitor in some well-meaning way, and i think about my family members here and their excellent art projects that are facilitated by this place, and like doesn’t my thought process indicate that i think all of THOSE people are evil parasites too? i mean what is the ultimate extension of the logic i’m trying to employ here? when i think about that i feel like a bigger sack of shit than ever before. then i kind of start thinking about all the people in the history of my life who have openly categorized my depression, whatever its sources and symptoms at the time, as just me being a pill, being difficult, being negative, being counterproductive, looking for attention: the explicit or tacit response being, “why don’t you just _______?” but i don’t know what this ________ is that’s supposed to replace all my feelings and behavior. i guess that’s kind of the point of this whole thing, that i have no idea what the alternative is supposed to be, to all this, and how i can “just” do that instead.

so, maybe just because it’s something to do, i’m thinking of moving over to blogspot or something that makes me feel even slightly less complicit in the actions of these cartoon villains that run everything. i understand that if i do that, then i’ll be lucky to maintain relationships with even like ten of the people whose presence here i know and love. i assume i would just continue on as normal, although without the benefit of this often-amazing kaleidoscopic font of images and ideas, and the ability to glibly inject some “hilarious” thought of mine into other people’s uptake streams, and the surprise discovery of new and exciting people via the entropy that rules my dash. or maybe i won’t risk all that, and i’ll just sit tight right here, because what really would be the actual result of my bailing? maybe i’ll just delete this later today, when i’m feeling sufficiently embarrassed and overexposed about it. i guess i’m going to go spend money i don’t deserve to make on some stuff that i don’t need to have, in a place that damages the world when i have to live in both obvious and invisible ways, while i think it over, for the rest of my natural life. 

[trentteti]

Predictions for the November 2019 LSAT

The November LSAT is just around the corner — once this weekend bends back around into another week, it’ll officially be test day. And that, of course means that our in-house prognosticator (i.e., me) must emerge from his dark and dank LSAT bunker, dust off a discount-bin, ersatz crystal ball, and make some predictions about what will be on the November exam.

Now, my spotty track record at predicting what exactly will be on these exams certainly isn’t strong evidence that I have any special powers of prediction with this exam. But none of you can definitively disprove that I have special powers of prediction, either. So I think it’s safe to assume that me and my crystal ball have at least some predictive power, and that you can trust that what I say about the November LSAT, and basically anything else, is probably true.

I even bought a deck of LSAT tarot cards on eBay to help reinforce this predictive power. After the first shuffle I pulled the Hierophant, the Lichen, the Iguanodon, and the Unrepresentative Survey — but I have no earthly idea what any of those mean. But anyway, gather round my it-would-be-technically-incorrect-to-call-it-a-crystal-ball, November test takers. Let’s talk about what’s likely to appear on this test.

Logical Reasoning

The first thing this nerd sees when he looks into a “crystal” ball are stats and spreadsheets and charts. Based on these visions, here’s how I think the Logical Reasoning questions will be distributed on the November exam, compared to the average frequency of those questions types on the published tests that have appeared since June 2017.

If you don’t feel like doing the math, I’m predicting there will be 51 questions overall. I think Strengthen questions will be the most common, but I’m making a fairly conservative guess there — Strengthen questions are the most common question type on most recent exams. I’ll go out on a slight limb and say that five of those nine Strengthen questions will be of the Strengthen principle variety. You know, the one’s that say, “Which one of the following principles, if true, most help to justify the above reasoning?” Or, “The reasoning above most closely conforms to which one of the following principles?” They say “following principles” in the prompt, basically. These have been a staple of recent exams, showing up five times on September 2019, three times on June 2019 and November 2018, four times on September 2018, and five times on June 2018. I hope I’m right on this prediction; Strengthen Principle questions are among the more anticipatable questions on the LSAT. Just anticipate a principle that says, more or less, “If we have the premise of the argument in this question, then we can reach the conclusion of the argument” and watch the points steadily accrue.

I also have an itch that there’s going to be a lot of conditional reasoning on this exam — at least one Must Be True question that involves making some sort of transitive deduction, at least one diagrammable Parallel and Parallel Flaw question, a couple diagrammable Sufficient questions, and maybe even a Flaw question in which the argument confuses a necessary for a sufficient question. My guess is that there may be as many as twelve questions that conditional reasoning in some way. So it wouldn’t hurt to brush up on the words and phrases that denote conditional statements, and get some practice with commonly diagrammable questions, like Must Be True, Parallel, and Sufficient questions.

You don’t exactly have to be clairvoyant to accurately predict that the logical fallacies will be super important on the two Logical Reasoning sections. Over half of the questions on this exam are easier with the mastery of the common fallacies. I think they’re going to keep it fairly classic with the fallacies on this exam — a lot of causation fallacies, exclusivity fallacies, and equivocation fallacies. To spot those, just check the conclusions of the argument. If that conclusion uses causal language, the argument is probably inferring causation from correlation. If the language is super strong (pay special attention to words like “only,” “entirely,” “solely,” “purely,” and “no”), the argument is probably committing the exclusivity fallacy and overlooking some important options, factors, or considerations. And if the argument introduces something new in the conclusion, the argument is probably guilty of equivocation — the act of assuming that something in the premises is the same as that new thing in the conclusion.

I also think one of the rarer fallacies will appear on this test. Perhaps an instance of circular reasoning? After the circle-game-that-wasn’t-really-a-circle-game on the September test sent everyone into a tizzy, maybe the test writers want to see if any allusion to a circle will freak people out? I also have a feeling that there’s going to be a tricky question with an argument that sounds like it’s committing the ad hominem fallacy, but doesn’t actually commit that fallacy (question 22 in section 3 of the June 2018 exam provides an example of this). If I’m wrong about this one, don’t get too mad at me though. Your issue is with my claim, and I am merely the source of that claim, and not the claim itself.

Is it going to be a difficult or easy set of Logical Reasoning sections? That’s tough to say, because there’s rarely any consensus on whether an LR section is tough or easy or in between. LR sections are roughly the same in their distribution of easy, medium, and tough questions. People tend to have different subjective experiences with the same section based on what kinds of questions and concepts appear most frequently. I might feel great on conditional statements but shaky on necessary assumptions. You might feel the opposite. Therefore, a section that had a ton of questions that featured conditional reasoning, but few Necessary questions, might feel easier for me than you.

Logic Games

After the Logic Games section in the September 2019 exam annoyed everyone, I think the Logic Games section is going to be much, much more straightforward. That’s not to say you should slack off on games in this last week; on the contrary, the ability to quickly do games is largely based on muscle-memory, and you don’t want your brain-muscles to atrophy in this last week. But, I don’t foresee any games as angst-producing as that flower game from September.

Instead, I think there’s going to be a super basic ordering game to kick things off. I think game two will be a little bit more difficult — I’m envisioning an unstable grouping game with three groups of indeterminate size. I think game three will be the most difficult of the bunch — I think there’s going to be a super complicated tiered ordering game. Probably one of those games where you have to keep track of the order of two separate variable sets. And I’m seeing game four as yet another underbooked stable grouping game, which appear to have a permanent seat at the Logic Games table on recent exams.

Above all else, I feel confident that making scenarios on these games will be an extremely helpful tool to utilize. Maybe you won’t need to make scenarios on the hypothetically super basic ordering game, but I’m quite confident that at least three of the games on this exam will be made much, much easier with a solid set of scenarios. I’m willing to say this because of the thirty-two games since the June 2017 exam, I think only the first game (another basic ordering game) on the June 2018 exam was easier without scenarios than with them.

Reading Comprehension

This is the part of the predictions post I’ve been dreading; please don’t take your disappointment out on me or this discount-bin cystal ball. I’m picturing a brutally tough Reading Comprehension section. Most recent exams have featured a pretty tough Reading Comp section. In the last few years of published tests, only September 2019 stands out as having a relatively mild RC section. So … prepare for the worst on this section.

That said, the topics have standardized over the last few years. Since June 2018, pretty much every Reading Comp section has had featured passages about some historical group (usually — and apparently because whoever compiles this section is a historiographic hipster — some obscure, overlooked ancient civilization), a passage about the arts (usually — and apparently because whoever compiles this section is an older snob who looks down upon the philistines taking this test — a somewhat confusing passage about the high arts), a passage about science (usually — and apparently because whoever compiles this section does not respect your B.A. — a complex discussion of biology or the environment or astrophysics), and a passage about the law (usually — and apparently because whoever compiles this section resents you from not already completing law school — a passage that makes at least occasional use of legal jargon). Given that, I’m going to predict that you’ll get a passage about an overlooked historical group, a passage about the high arts, a passage about biology or the environment or astrophysics, and a passage about a specific legal field. I’m not sure what you might do with this information, but there you go.

That said, you don’t need to fret about Reading Comp, even if it is difficult or about obscure topics. Remember to focus on the structure of the arguments being made, and jot down the function of each paragraph on your scratch paper. Remember to underline the words that express the author’s opinion. Remember to highlight important details likely to appear in the questions, like cause and effect relationships, examples, questions and their answers, and categorical items that are listed out. If you nail these things, it really doesn’t matter what the passages are about — you’re going to have a good shot at the questions.

————

Finally, let me take off my prognosticator hat for just a moment, and remind you not to take these predictions too seriously. I pay very close attention to this test, but my track record of predictions is … OK at best. Elsewhere, I’m catastrophically wrong about all sorts of things (until I was corrected, I literally thought “cuffing season” referred to those cuffed fisherman beanies people wear in the winter).

Plus, and most importantly, the LSAT always tests the same general concepts and question types. Envision all the concepts as a big sphere of knowledge. Some tests might feature certain concepts within that sphere more prominently and others less. This test might pull out more conditional reasoning and difficult Reading Comprehension passages from that sphere — perhaps making it a bit more ovoid in shape — but the test is pulling from the same sphere of concepts. As long as you feel comfortable with all the concepts within that sphere, there will be no surprises on this test, whatever shape it takes.

While we have no control over what’s on the LSAT, you can control how prepared you are for the LSAT. Whether it be in an in-person class, live online class, private tutoring, or even an on-demand online course, prepping for the LSAT is a given for any exam date. Not sure where to start? Schedule a free consult with our Academic Managers to help walk you through your options! 

Predictions for the November 2019 LSAT was originally published on Blueprint LSAT Blog

[sweet-star-storybook]

Hey all, back at it again with the random posts, aha. I have been working on something that will formally address the month long art / comic hiatus I’ve been on, but that’s taking a bit longer than I expected. So as a break (I guess?) I took it upon myself to update what I call my Original Stories Timeline, i.e. a chronological list of all of my story ideas (as of October 2019 anyway). I have not posted this list anywhere, but I like to update it on my laptop every now and again.

There is a bit of ambiguity with some of the years that these were made, as sometimes there’s a difference between coming up with the title or lead character for a story versus actually making it a “thing” with an idea or scenes attached. As an example, Moth to the Flame technically began when I first drew Kiida in April of 2015, but aside from a snippet of reasoning for why she was an archer, the story as it is now did not start to take form until I drew Zander in December of 2017. Other times I flat out can’t remember when some of these stories were made, and digital files don’t always have the correct dates. 

For this post (and for curiosity’s sake), I wanted to add up and categorize them to see just how many stories I have in this brain of mine. It was actually quite a fascinating exercise, so I thought I’d share! I might as well list the titles for each category too, even if some of these are only titles at this point. I’ve renamed a few over the years and others are still working titles, but if any pique your interest at all, feel free to send me an ask about them! I love chatting about this stuff. :)

This got quite long once again so I’ll put it under the cut. Enjoy!

Stories that are old and/or need revamping: 6

Titles in this category:  Pasha & Marley (2003), Sonora (2004), Billy and the Rainbow Fish (2005), Spirit Fire (2006), The Darkest Light (2013), Polarity (2013).

These are stories that I’ve either had since I was a kid and would need overhauls to make them usable, or are simply dormant stories that I haven’t touched in a while and may need similar upgrades. This doesn’t mean that I will revamp all of them, but either way they serve as an interesting look at my progression as a story writer and character designer. My oldest story dates back to around 2003, and to put that into perspective, I was 8 years old that year.

Stories that are just titles / a smattering of ideas right now: 10

Titles in this category:  Fletcher (2016), The Dragons of Kitevale (2016), King Ace (2017), Ochako & Mai (2018), Psychanimate (2018), Mage Lights (2019), Trickster’s Gambit (2019), Switching Gears (2019), The Owlands (2019), Goodnight, Starlie (2019).

I always have too many of these for my own good, but this happens a lot if I have stray character designs that I think could maybe go together, and then before I know it the gears start turning in my head to add something more. I’m also really good at coming up with titles and logos to make me love the idea even more, even if there’s not much else to it. I guess you can blame my affinity for wordplay and clever puns for that, haha. Coming up with titles is really fun, but at this point I don’t know what kinds of stories these will be if I choose to develop them, so I gave them a separate category. Making this timeline reminded me of how many logos I still need to make!

Short films / animatics that I could also make into short comics: 7

Titles in this category:  The Aurora’s Child (2016), Blue (2016), Harpy (2017), Hearth & Lantern (2017), Leif & Shel (2018), The Healer (2019), In Your Orbit (2019).

My background in animation has afforded me the skills of writing for animation, specifically short films. I have always loved short films that communicate their story through little or no dialogue, and using the character’s actions and emotions to do the talking instead. Unfortunately my dreams of making a short film during school did not come to fruition, but that doesn’t mean the ideas have to go away, regardless of what form they take. I’ve made too many at this point to stop now anyway! I will likely do both a comic and an animatic for each one I decide to flesh out, as I want to practice both kinds of storytelling and they each have their advantages. Plus I could potentially make a comic anthology of these shorter stories in the future. Much like the animatics, the comics would likely be “silent”, in that they communicate more with action than dialogue.

Things I call “illustration worlds”: 2

Titles in this category:  Fruit Bats (2017), Lucky Stars (2019)

This one is a bit strange to explain, honestly. I picture these as more of a series of character interactions rather than a cohesive narrative, i.e. snippets of ideas carried out in a bunch of individual scenes, portrayed via illustrations. I am reminded a lot of the character interactions that exist in concept art for games and movies (the ones from Spyro: Reignited Trilogy come to mind). These illustrations would feature characters that could be in any sort of environment or setting, and we learn more about their personalities through each one, whether it’s a simple domestic scene or a fantasy world. There may not be anything much deeper than that, but there doesn’t have to be. A great deal of energy and expression can still be shown with these, and I love illustrations that have their own little stories contained within them. I could even compile them as a series of themed illustrations, hence why I still gave them titles (and once again, titles are fun).

Novels / story ideas I don’t plan on making into comics: 2

Titles in this category:  Shining Trigger (2014), A Mightier Pen (2017)

I’ve always loved writing long-form prose ever since I was a kid, and based on how many words these posts end up having, I can’t say much has changed! As such, I’ve always wanted to write a novel someday, but it does require a different skill set than script writing. With my background in animation and my new love of comics added in, I’ve done a bit of both. I might do novelizations of some of my comics later on, but these stories are, for the most part, better suited as written prose in my mind. They focus more on the characters and dialogue, rather than an imagined visual design. Not to say that novelists can’t paint detailed pictures of a character or world’s attributes, but it is communicated differently via words than pictures, especially when you consider the mind’s eye of a novel reader. That “design” has to be malleable enough for the mind’s eye to interpret, but clear enough so the reader knows what it is. I’d have to make sure that any reader could picture what I’m describing with my writing alone, and that’s a difficult balance to strike for a primarily visual storyteller such as myself, but a challenge worth taking nonetheless.

Large comic stories that have big worlds, a lot of characters, etc.: 3

Titles in this category:  Starglass Zodiac (2015), Id Pariah (2015), Feather Knights (2017).

I call these “The Big Three”, as they are the stories that will take the most world building, character creation, and story development to complete. They will have multiple chapters, expansive lore, several character arcs, you name it. I am very excited to tackle all of this development of course, but I want to make sure these are given the time they need to come to fruition. These projects will take me years to complete, which is why I choose to balance them with smaller projects in between. The potential these stories have is not something I want to squander, so even if the production moves slower, I feel it’ll be worth it in the end.

Smaller comic stories with fewer characters, simpler concepts, etc.: 5

Titles in this category:  Moth to the Flame (2015), The Onomancer (2015), Demon Exchange (2018), Take Wing! Emilia’s Tale (2018), Ashes (2018).

This is worded kind of strangely, but this category is meant for stories that have a smaller “scope” than the larger comic stories I mentioned. That doesn’t mean I love them any less or that they’ll be less developed, but they are far simpler in concept and rely less on the development of a massive world and lore and more on individual character experiences. I feel like any creator needs these smaller projects to tackle every so often, especially when tackling the behemoths gets tough. These stories will also have a faster turnover when it comes to completion, and I hope to complete one of these stories in the near future. These will also help me practice writing good foundations for stories, like proper character motivation, pacing, and relationship development that would translate into investment for the reader. There’s a great degree of skill required to do this correctly for any kind of story, but starting smaller in this regard is usually better.

Smaller stories that are supplements or spin-offs of other stories: 3

Titles in this category:  Counting Hearts (2019), The Serpent and the Sun (2019), Riders of Eldrigar (2019).

I know it probably seems a bit early to be thinking about stuff like this, but I do like thinking about the extended stories or supplements that I could add to my pre-existing projects, especially with characters or ideas that would best be told separate from the main story, be they backstories or another perspective on something. I also like the idea of stories that could exist in the same worlds, but can function independently of them as well. It’s a lot of fun to see how these could connect with each other, like having your own equivalent to a cinematic universe. This category currently only has smaller supplements to my comic stuff rather than fully fledged sequels, but who knows what might happen later on? I need to make the beginnings of these stories first!

And with that, the grand total is: 38!

-me after reading this total and spending way too much time on this post-

In all seriousness though, while it is a bit daunting to see just how many things my brain keeps tossing at me and how much that number has increased in recent years, it does make me excited for the future, even if I panic about time a lot. It tells me that I always have stories to tell, and new ones could be right around the corner. I’ll always have something to work on at least! I might periodically update this post as I edit the timeline as well, but for now, thanks for coming along on this little journey with me! :D I hope it was at least entertaining, haha.

[lookitsjill]

I’ve Never Been to Heaven, But I’ve Been to Oklahoma

It’s been 5 years since I’ve gone to Tulsa. I think back to what that trip was for me and the outcome was revelation that I am capable. That I am bold and independent enough to go it on my own. Knowing afterwards so assuredly that I could accomplish whatever it was I set forth to achieve. I had a goal in my mind for 15 years at that point – someday I would make it to Tulsa and explore the place that birthed my band. The place that had been imprinted on my childhood.

My trip to Tulsa began way before the Hanson Day weekend. It started when I was taking a walk with Zac Hanson. See, the band used to put on these 1 mile barefoot charity walks around whatever city they were touring in. It was a way to connect to the message of supporting our impoverished communities. Most fans didn’t take it that way and instead fought for facetime with the band in ways that were borderline aggressive and all together silly. Zac and I found each other more than 1 time in the New England crowds, and this time was no different.

I’m talking to this guy – this person whose face I had plastered over my adolescent bedroom walls and yet somehow I feel like he is an old friend – and he is asking me not to leave his side because I’m “normal and they’re not”, as he gestures left at a group rapid-firing pictures. Okay, fine. I ask about song lyrics and he sings me a bit of Billy Joel. He asks about my favorite songs and where I come from. He talks about home, and then ask me if I am coming to Tulsa for this year’s Hanson Day Weekend. My answer is that I don’t think so, and he challenges me on this. The conversation is something like…

“So you’ve never been to Tulsa?” “No. Again, I’m not … them.” I gesture left. The girls are taking selfies with Zac in the background. “I want to go some day. It is our Graceland, after all. It’s a dream I’ve been chasing.”   His smile is so wide. “Graceland? Your Graceland?” I shrug, laughter in my words. “Yeah, it’s a thing people say. Tulsa is our Graceland. You haven’t heard that?”

His laugh is explosive. “No. I have not heard that. That is amazing! I love it.” Selfies turn into picture requests and he is not present. He comes back and I shake my head at him. He picks right up where we left off. “So if Tulsa is a dream you should come. We’re doing the 20 years since we were a band thing – it’s the perfect timing for your first visit. It’s going to be epic.”

I can’t commit. I don’t know. “I’ll… think about it. It does make sense to go now or never.” He nods but the crowd moves us apart and Taylor is then doing a half-way talk about the message behind this madness. Zac always looks disinterested and Isaac the opposite – attentive, pragmatic and fatherly. We walk back after that and again I’m a few paces just behind Zac. I catch up.

He notices and starts in again. “Oh hey. I’m still trying to remember what the first line of ‘Give A Little’ really was.” He recants a question I had earlier. “It’s driving me crazy. I’m going to wake up in the middle of the night and remember it, you know.”

I laugh. “Well, if you remember on stage just shout it out!” The joke is cheesy, given that their album is titled Shout It Out, and he knows it but rolls past it anyway.

“Deal. Coming to Graceland?” He wags his eyebrows and winks, he must be making fun of me.   “Shut up.” I roll my eyes and contest. “Maybe.”

“Your mistake if you don’t.” So, I did.

I went, and with great trepidation begin to explore a city that all at once felt like a place I could call home. I did all of the cliché fan things; starting with a secret Hanson sandwich at the Blue Rose even though I was alone and that felt altogether strange and liberating. I stood on the deck and imagined what that place was like 20 years ago when three boys that were too white to sound so much like the Jackson 5 played to a 21+ crowd for the very first gig. I took a picture of the snare screwed to the wall with their signatures and traveled Route 66 to my hotel room.

There were signs welcoming Hanson fans in the lobby, which I found odd. Clearly this city fully embraces this weekend of tourism and commerce. I can never stay idle so I took my car and drove around, recognizing way too many things on the street. I realize how much of Tulsa I have unknowingly absorbed in the past decades. I remembered that I should check-in with the band’s staff… at their recording studio.

I waited in line with strangers, silently listening to all of their conversations and categorizing their level of crazy in my brain. The girl with the giant Hanson symbol tattoo across her forearm, the one with the keyboard leggings, the one wearing a jean jacket with Hanson’s faces on the back, and the girl who would not stop talking about their children were the folks that made me look anywhere but at their faces. I willed them not to notice me. But then there were these other two. These girls, standing next to me, were so brilliantly sarcastic that I found myself snickering aloud just before they pulled me into their conversation.

They peppered me with questions. Soon “Are you alone?”; “Wait have you been to Hanson Day Weekend before?”; “Where are you from?”; “How many shows have you been to?” quickly lent themselves to “tell us your story.” So, I did. I told them everything because they asked and actively listened to my responses. They echoed my impressions of the city. They understood the songs that were laid as the soundtrack to my adolescence. They connected with me more in 1 hour than many other people have done in a lifetime. I know that is part of the magic.  

These girls introduced me to other like-minded fans. We took over the special Hanson store located just inside the studio. I sat down at the piano from “Lost Without Each Other” and ran my fingers over the keys. We snapped pictures of the art gallery even though we weren’t supposed to. We squealed just a little bit when we realized that the band’s younger siblings were manning the cash register and that Taylor was calling to them on a walkie-talkie from out back. We canvased the area until we found Zac’s truck and watched as Isaac took off down the railroad tracks on his bicycle.

The next day I woke up to do it all over again, only this time I took my rental to one of their houses and they showed me the city… and the outskirts and pieces of the city that we’re supposed to pretend don’t exist. The cliché and taboo - like taking that picture outside the modest house Hanson grew up in and taking a drive through the compound they moved to - less economical and more militaristic. We toured to every recording studio in the city where we know various albums were created. We went places we know would put us on the those people list, but we did it anyway in the name of my first trip.

We ate and drank our way through the famous Hanson watering holes. Pizza at Joe’s, Hanson cookies at Dilly Deli, shopping at Ida Red. We cheered on another friend whose team wound up winning a bowling tournament. We watched Hanson’s first terrible and childish VHS movie as it played in an actual movie theatre. We laughed so hard I swear it was 1995 again.

The next morning I grabbed a coffee and a book, pretending not to watch Taylor’s wife wrangle her children across a café. She was young and tired, but maintaining that ever present Southern charm. She had an air of amused frustration that was transparently inauthentic. I caught the little girl – Penny – just before she would have slammed face first into the dessert case. Natalie was grateful. I had to go.

I went down to the Block Party that Hanson was hosting in the street. I met up with my new friends and spent the afternoon sipping Dr. Pepper on the sidewalk as we people watched and they smoked all the cigarettes. We ate the worst food truck food and made fun of other fans. We watched how polite yet annoyed one of the Hanson siblings acted when people were unwilling to form an organized line.  We watched their Dad stand stoic and proud in front of the venue. We watched their Mom carry one of their babies like it was made of glass.

At one point, Isaac’s oldest child asked me to play cars with him in the street. Just like that. I got down with him and Taylor’s youngest (at the time) joined us. I felt altogether scrutinized, but they kids wanted to play and I always have a difficult time saying no to hopeful little faces.  Strangely, not one Hanson cared. I think their aunt Zoe was supposed to be keeping them safe, but she seemed overwhelmed and thankful for the small break from all of their energy.

Taylor sent an email inviting everyone to a tasting to determine the brew for the new Hanson brew, and the promise of a cold beer pulled us away from the Oklahoma sun. He said he would tell us where at the very last minute because we couldn’t all come – but we anticipated the location anyway. We had our pints before he even sent the info thanks to a confused bartender. Taylor and Isaac popped out for some sips, banter and feedback. I pretended like they all didn’t taste like I was chewing on hops.

The show that night was unprecedented. It was a culmination of so many things and a moment frozen in time. I felt alive. I felt vulnerable and empowered at the same time. Above all else, I felt connected. I was connected to this band, to this crowd of family, to the music that represented so much growth and so many learnings. The band played a song written for the first album that resonated so deeply with me I was crying before the second verse. I took one look left and right and realized I was in good company, and audibly cursed him out for playing it. Then Zac opened a song written for the event that made my jaw drop and shake my head in incredulity. Of course he would write a song about chasing down your dreams. Of course he would.

On my last day I said goodbye to these fated friends. I traveled the entire city again, only that time it felt small and quaint in some way.  I took more time with it on my own, soaked it in and stopped to watch the trees and try to capture this feeling in film, the music playing softly as my only comrade. I spent time relishing in the chance to explore a city that felt something like home. There is a small piece of me that is still there – on the highest point or the dustiest road; chiseled outside the studio door or hiding in the Center of the Universe.

I still reconnect that slice of reality whenever I can; the time that I got totally lost in the middle of nowhere and wound up finding myself, after all.

[lovvelyxdreamer]

Dangerous Love // Ministar x Reader Imgaine

A/N: Hello again :)). I’ve been working on this for a little bit and now I’m so happy I can post it. Just a heads up, I’ve only titled this imagine how it is shown above because it’d be too much to write if I said Simon x Reader x Vikkstar123 and I don’t even know how to categorize that but anyway, if you want to find it in my masterlist, it’ll be listed as that. Also, I STRONGLY RECOMMEND that you listen to Leave Me Lonely by Ariana Grande before reading. It’ll make a lot more sense and I think you’ll understand the imagine better. 

Just a quick warning that it is long and like usual, I’ve tried ti shorten it and have done my best trying to accomplish that but I hope you like it regardless of the length.  Btw, there will be a part 2 and it won’t be as long (thankfully)

Nevertheless, hope you enjoy the imagine and please don’t forget to share, like, reblog, repost, give feedback and all that <3

Warning: Swearing, angst, fluff/sad

Imagine: Y/N wants to move on from her one ended relationship with Simon but finds it difficult to leave until her true love shows her the way.

Small droplets of tears soaked your cheeks as you lay in your empty bed once again.

Why am I doing this again?

Why did I let him do this?

How much more am I going to take before I became numb?

You asked yourself those same three questions repeatedly until they were embroidered in your brain. Truthfully, you didn’t know how to answer them. You just wished that none of this were happening in the first place.

You so desperately wanted to return to the beginning of yours and Simon’s relationship. During that time, you were your happiest; thinking that nothing on this earth could ever stop you from loving him. No matter the idiotic shit he’d do or how angry and sad he’d make you, you’d always forgive him. Little did you know the red flags and “danger up ahead” signs that stood around the corner.

Yes, you loved him. Oh, you loved him so much you could sing the same amount as the actors did in high school musical and still outdo them somehow. You thought Simon felt the same, considering you two have been together for over three years but never have you felt like such a doormat. The spark that constantly lit a flame in the relationship, seemed to dim more and more with each passing minute.

Simon showed you less attention and instead, diverted to other women. You were sure that he’d been with other women when you weren’t visiting him from the US and even when you were there, he’d get back to the Sidemen House late, stumbling in drunk with another woman’s scent on him. Of course, you addressed the situation and he’d simply tell you that he’d never do anything like that to you because you’re the one for him blah blah blah . . .  but you weren’t blind. Yet you knew he was lying and stayed anyway.

You wanted to hold on to the belief that Simon would change and then everything would return to how it used to be. The flame would light and everything would be okay but much to your dismay, the relationship turned sour; full of deceit.

The number of arguments grew, items around the room were broken into pieces and slews of hurt would fill the atmosphere. You found yourself alone and in pain most to all the time; as if you weren’t worth anything.

A dangerous love brewed between you and Simon where you gave so much and received nothing in return. Him destroying your heart into a million pieces and you trying so hard to put it back together because you knew he couldn’t. You had no one to blame but yourself for ignoring the signs and allowing it to become this way. You could have ended the relationship with him so long ago but your naivety overshadowed your common sense.

A knock at the door broke you from your pity party. You quickly wiped away the tears and took a deep breath as you sat upright on the bed, attempting to appear as normal as possible.

“Come in.” You shouted to the person, notifying them they could enter as you perched a fake smile on your lips.

The door opened and in walked a beautiful brown skinned guy with a smile as bright as the night stars. You and Vik hadn’t always been close. You two had only begun to develop a special relationship when things between you and Simon shifted. He was there to cheer you up after you and Simon fought or when he was being an absolute dick; so basically, all the time. Vik was always there to put a smile on your face or make you laugh when you needed it. He was the literal sunshine in your life and have been for a long time.

Truthfully, you’ve probably spent more time with Vik than you have with Simon and that made you happy. He knew how to make your day so much brighter than Simon ever could.

Maybe you should have been with Vik instead of Simon.

“Hey Y/N.” He says with a small smile as he closed the door behind him and walked over to you; sitting next to you on the bed.

“Hey Vik. What’s up?” You said perkily, giving him your best smile but accidentally release a sniffle.

Vik’s smile slowly evaporates into a frown the more he sits quietly and analyzes your face.

“I hate seeing you cry over that c*nt.”

“I wasn’t crying over him or at all Vik. It is spring, you know. Allergy season.” You huff before leaving him alone on the bed and walking to the bathroom to splash water on your face.

You sigh under your breath when you hear his footsteps trod after yours. You wished he’d just end the conversation there but knew it’d be too good to be true if he did.

“That may be true but you and I both know damn well, you were crying. I’m not an idiot Y/N.” Vik argued as he stood in the doorway of the bathroom.

You quickly splashed water on your face and then dried it with your towel that hung up on the rack. “I didn’t say you were an idiot Vik.” You groaned and left the bathroom; Vik thankfully moving aside to let you go.

“Then stop treating me as if I’am and listen to me for once.” He continued to argue as he followed me back into the room and over to the bed where you sat.

You grabbed the television remote and turned it on. You were about to flip through the channels when Vik ripped the remote from your hand and turned the television back off.

Here you both were again. Arguing over your relationship with Simon; the only time you and Vik would have an argument. You hated arguing with him. He meant the world to you and you’d hoped he was the same for you.

Beginning to become annoyed, you look up at Vik as he towered over you. Without making the situation worse, you softly say, “I’am listening to you Vik but I have no clue what we’re arguing about here. Nothing is wrong. I wasn’t crying. I’am fine. You can stop worrying about me for once.”

“Well I won’t. I’m never going to stop worrying about you Y/N. Especially when you won’t break up with Simon. I don’t care that he’s my friend, he’s still an asshole and you’re in denial. I know you were crying. I just don’t understand why you’re still with him if you know that he’s no good for you.”

You turn away from Vik as the anger in his voice rises, setting a spark of fear into you. Not the fear of Vik or him being angry at you, it was knowing how right he was and living in a never-ending loop of pain because you were too scared to do anything about it.

For the hundredth time tonight, tears brimmed your eyes then slid down your cheek one by one. You couldn’t stop them and you didn’t even have the energy to do so if you wanted to.

“Vik, I can’t do it. I’m not strong enough.” You whimpered out as your head still hung low; your voice barely audible.

You hadn’t realized he moved until the space on the bed sunk down next to you and he hastily envelops you into a warm embrace. Drained and hopeless, you leaned into Vik until your skin was flush against his. Beyond his calm exterior, his pulse sped with haste as you tightly wrapped your arms around his waist.

You were thankful for the silence for once because you weren’t alone this time. The raging storm in your head had finally begun to calm; the clouds dispersing the more you stayed in his arms.

The soft touch of Vik’s fingers lifting your head up to look at him, sent a chill through your body that you welcomed with every inch of you. Through your tear-filled vision, you gazed up into his beautiful brown eyes as he did yours.

“Please Y/N. Leave Simon. He doesn’t deserve you; no part of you. You deserve so much better than him. You need someone who will be there for you at all times and love you for the amazingly strong person you are.” He pleads softly as he gently wiped away the stray tears on your cheek.

“Someone like you?” You say almost too quietly, eyes still locked on his as you worm you way out of his embrace.

Vik was indefinitely the sunshine your body needed to stay afloat and above raging waters. He was where you are the happiest and deep down, you guess you’ve always known that but didn’t want to admit it. If you did, that only confirmed how you felt for him. You were falling for Vik; or at least you thought you were.

Yeah, your life was incredibly fucked up at the moment but he was the only thing that kept you sane.

You watch as he swallows harshly, his eyes locked on yours just as much as yours are on his. Vik’s chest rose and fell quicker than before as you laced your fingers with his; never breaking eye contact with him.

“Y/N … “Vik says unsteadily as his voice shakes a little. “This isn’t real. You don’t feel this way. You’re just rebounding with me. None of this real.”

Your hand grows cold again as he untwines his fingers and walks away to the middle of the room; turning away from you. You watch in confusion at his reaction as he shuffles his fingers through his hair and his strong back muscles flex under the rapid movement.

“But I do feel this way Vik and I’m not rebounding.” Certain more than ever, you declared to him, hoping he’ll understand how you felt.  “I’m falling for you Vik and I have been for a while now. Everything I’m saying right now is really how I feel.”

A pang of pain forms in your chest when he doesn’t respond and continues to stay turned faced away from you. He shakes his head in what you believe to be doubt. Walking to him, you continue to spill your heart, even though he was still facing away from you. You were just happy he was at least listening and hadn’t walked out of the room by now.

“I wasn’t sure until now but you make me so happy and you always make me feel so loved. You never allow me to be sad. You only want to see me happy and so do I but right now, I can’t do this by myself. I need my anchor. I need you, Vik.”

By now, the tears streamed rapidly down your cheeks and you had no desire to stop any of them. Vik was the only thing you needed right now.

Your heart begins to race again when he turns around to face you and you realize his beautiful eyes have filled with tears of his own. Vik lets out a little sniffle as he shuffles through his hair again; only to make it messier than before but to you, he’s never looked so breathtaking.

“Y/N, this isn’t real love. You just feel like this because we’ve developed a bond in place of what you and Simon used to have. I can’t be with you when your heart is with someone else.” His voice cracks as he speaks to you but is laced with dejected affirmation.

Tense silence filled the room, while hopelessness began to take over your body as you knew you were starting to lose him and as of this very moment, there was no way to stop it. Nodding your head, knowing you won’t be able to change his mind, you walk back to the bed.

“Fuck it.” You briefly heard Vik groan before he grasped your waist, pulling you close until your bodies were flush against one another. “Tell me I’m the only one you want. Please Y/N.” He begs as he caressed your cheek and gazed into your eyes. “I need to hear you say it.”

“You’re the only one I want Vik. Now and always.” You confess to him self-assuredly; never taking your eyes off his.

Vik leans in closer until your bodies are flush together and presses his forehead against yours. You gently trace his jaw with your fingers; his prickly stubble tickling your skin but you don’t mind. You love it. With a sigh of breath, he closes his eyes and leans into them. Fully entranced with Vik accepting the love you were ready to give him at last, you hadn’t realized the door opened until it was too late.

“You little bitch.”

A chill of fear ripped through your body as you jumped out of your skin and away from Vik. You and Vik both turned to see a more than angry Simon standing in the doorway, hands clenched, reddened cheeks and jaw locked.

Vik quickly placed his warm body in front of yours; shielding you from the full-on brawl that was about to happen. Your eyes flicker back and forth from an angry Simon to a seething Vik. Your heart raced a mile a minute as you watched the scene unfold in front of you. You hated that this was happening…  but most of all, you hated that you were the cause of it all.

[thekrazykeke]

Run, Devil, Run

Fandom(s): DCEU, Suicide Squad

Summary: Things done in the dark eventually come to the light.

Warning(s): Familial disputes. Implied, ambiguous relationships. Toxic behavior. Violence. Smut.

Tagging: @ask-harleen @meaningful-kisses-are-deadly@metal-mouth-breather

This part is especially for @lovelylittlekittn. I know how you like’em obsessive, devoted and crazy. I’m starting to think I have a thing too...

Part I

~

The next time she woke, her body, more specifically, her face, hurt even more. Keke tried to get up but firm hands gently pressed her back into a soft surface. “If you try and get up, I have no doubt that you’re going to throw up all over this carpet.”

“Oww...” Hissing the word through gritted teeth, Keke peeked an eyelid open.

“What’s your secret for keeping a lid on it, hm? I’ve always been curious. Weed or yoga? It’s gotta be one or the other, right?” Carver gently dabbed an alcohol swab on the little scratches on her face, there wouldn’t be any lingering marks, he was confident about that. 

“Shut up, jackass. I can’t believe you hit me with a chair.” Keke tried to frown but the action only made her wounds more aggravated, so she stopped.

“I had to take precautions. You were going into raging bitch mode, complete with flashing lights.” Reaching into the first aid kit, he pulled out some band-aids, applying them with gentle fingers. Close as he was, he ended up staring at her intently, eyes roving over her face.

“Did you screw up? Why are you looking at me like that?”

He wanted to assure her it was nothing. But ended up leaning in and kissing her instead. At first, K stiffened, yet when he gently groped her breast, she couldn’t help the small moan. His tongue pushed past the seam of her lips, only to touch against hers in a sensual caress; she tastes like apples and cinnamon, Carver’s brain categorizes in a fuzzy manner. Fully prepared to keep going, his free hand sought her shoulder, lightly stroking down her side in a rhythmic, back and forth motion, before his fingers eased underneath her shirt.

Wrenching her mouth from his, Keke shook her head. “Carver.”

“I know, I know, we can’t.” His tone is bitter and he tried to hide it, but doubted that he was successful. “No, stupid. I’m saying...Not on the couch. I’m not young as I used to be, and I can’t bend--” Not even letting her finish her sentence, he picked her up in his arms, hustling to her bedroom before gently depositing her on the bed, pulling his shirt up and over his head, throwing it to the corner of the room. 

Keke licked her lips, legs falling open invitingly. 

Feeling playful, he made a show of kicking his dress shoes off then slowly stripping from his suit pants, rolling his hips just so to emphasize his abs and the trail of dark hair leading down to the V of his hips. 

“Carverrrrrrrr...” K moaned. “Come on, baby.”

“Patience, little girl.” Shimmying out of his boxers, he crawled slowly onto the bed, enjoying the way her breathing became more labored the closer he got. With careful fingers, he pushes his hand between her legs and strokes her slick entrance. She cries out, and taking this as a good sign, he slips a finger inside of her. His cock is painfully hard, and it only gets more difficult to ignore as she keeps making those beautiful sounds. He looks up to see her face, twisted with pleasure and need. It’s the most amazing sight in the world. He slips his finger out of her and covers her mouth with his, letting her feel how hard he is. She whimpers when he slips his cock between her thighs, veins pulsing against her clit as he slides back and forth. 

“Pl-please, can I-?” He half asks, voice strained, giving her the option, even now, to tell him to stop and ‘No’. She digs her fingers into his back and moans out her permission, demanding that he be inside of her. That’s all the encouragement he needs, and he eases inside, finding a sensual, slow pace that satisfies the both of them. His strokes are deep and languid, and he somehow manages to keep up a string of compliments and choked praises. 

Her moans and feet digging into his back are all he needs to know that he’s making her feel as good as she deserves. Teeth find his shoulder and he snarls. Bracing his hand on top of the headboard, feet digging into the bed, Carver pushes into her harder, half a dozen punishing thrust causing her to cry out and she clenches around him. Breath stuttering on a choked gasp, he loses his rhythm and his hips move helplessly as he fucks her through her orgasm and fucks through his. 

The two of them stay entangled together for awhile, even after Carver eventually pulls out, K brushing her fingers down his face, his neck, and pecs. He does not fool himself into believing that she feels affection for him, she’s just got a thing about tattoos and he has several. And although he knows the topic will do nothing but piss her off again, he pushes the fact that they need her skills for the job they’re planning. 

“Neither of you did your homework before you came here. There’s a man who dresses up like a freakin’ bat, then goes out and lays a beating down on criminals before letting the GCPD lock them up.”

“You’re bullshitting me.” Voice skeptical, he glanced at her but K’s face is earnest, sincere. “Okay, you’re not bullshitting me. Is he a meta, like you, or an alien like Superman?”

“He’s not a meta, no. With his skills, he doesn’t really need to be. I don’t know who gave him the connect, but this guys has some seriously dangerous weaponry and drives around in the Batmobile.” 

“Pftt! The Batmobile.”

“Okay, laugh it up.” And he did, for a solid five minutes, until she punched him in the arm. “I’ve been in this city two years and I’ve stayed under the radar so well because I’m smart. The Bat isn’t the only thing you have to contend with. It’s freaky people like Poison Ivy...” Keke felt his abdominal muscles quiver as she carefully straddled him. “Catwoman, the Riddler, Two-Face, Dr. Freeze, etc. etc. The list is a mile long and these people are not just something you can fuck over and expect it to be fine.”

“The way you’re talking, you’ve got an idea.” 

“How much does Robbie thinks he need to be ‘set for life’?” Carver told her. “The only place you can hit that carries that amount is Gotham First Bank. It’s less than a ten minute drive from the police department and no one is quick enough to get in and out except for maybe the Flash but he’s a super hero, so that’s not happening, obviously. Find another city, or several cities, and hit them until it adds up.”

“Can’t.”

“What the hell do you mean, you ‘can’t’? Of course you can.” He had a hard time maintaining eye contact. “What did you idiots do?”

“Told five extra people. Or, well, to be technical, Rob got in touch with five people. They’ve been scoping Gotham First Bank for a month now.” K attempted to crawl off of him but he grabbed her hands. “I told him that he needed to talk to you, weeks ago. Imagine my surprise that he only does so two days before we decide to hit it.”

“Oh my God, two...two days...You’re both insane. Bonkers. Stark raving mad. Flown the coop! Dividing that much money seven ways is going to leave him with basically nothing anyway. ...What’s that look for?” Carver sighed deeply. “Let’s just say your brother being locked up has certainly made him more vicious, greedy and...well, a bit more reckless.”

“He doesn’t plan to share any of it.” 

“I don’t need the extra cash and he knows that. I’m only doing this as a personal favor since your other siblings hemmed and hawwed about it. These people he reached out to, I don’t trust them to have his back. He’s been caged like an animal long enough. I won’t see him do anymore time.”

“I’d rather he be caged like an animal than six feet under, rotting in a box....!”  Carver released her hands and she got off of him quickly, pacing the length of the room for a long time. “I think you should go.” 

“Ke...”

“Don’t test me. I mean it. Leave.” 

Holding his hands up in surrender, he began dressing quickly and efficiently. Before Carver left, he set an earpiece on the bedside table. “Twenty four hours, we don’t hear back, we’ll consider it as a ‘No’.”

“Will you call this madness off?”

“I told you, K. I can’t.” He really did look regretful. “Uh, I don’t speak for Rob, but I’d feel better to have your voice in my ear, letting me know what’s up, which places to turn. It’s your voice in my ear that I’d want to hear last if I should die.”

The next few hours, K made the most crazy and whacky plans to date. She’d taken a large amount of money from a loan shark and when the time to give it back was hours away, she got her friend involved, tried to appeal to Joker to give her some money. That backfired totally when he wanted to know why she needed it and she ended up spinning a bogus story. The poor guy ended up dead. 

Undeterred, she soldiered on, trying Selina next, but the two weren’t close enough to really ask for cash without looking like a fucking leech. So they just ended up drinking together and the feline-like woman ended up sleeping on her couch. 

Talking to Harley was a lesson in ‘Don’t do that shit again’ because she was so exasperating and vexing. 

And so, that’s how she ended up placing the earpiece in her ear, listening to an automated voice as it walked her through the set up on a spare tablet she had. Looking over the blue print of the plan and some routes they planned to take to get away. Being the native of the city, she knew the layout better even though she was much more of a shut-in due to the high crime. 

On March 25th, 2017, 6:45 a.m. she helped seven criminals steal hundreds of millions of dollars. By noon, she was at the rendezvous point, taking them all in, only four of them remained. At twelve fifteen, she watched and participated in the slaughter of the remaining two unknowns.

By one o’clock, her baby brother was sleeping on her couch.

They were murderers and thieves and as she accepted Carver’s kiss, the way he touched her, she wondered what that said about her if that even after everything, walking away from that life, she fell back into it so easily and didn’t feel a drop of guilt for anything.