#doing an adhd test this week actually lol

[heartstringsduet]

Hi there! If you don't mind me coming to TK's defense in the fight, and specifically the issue of how he seemed so harsh. And I agree that there's a bit of an assumption on TK's part thatCarlos would support his decision. So from what I saw TK didn't really get mad until Carlos brought up his father and the search for his killer. And I think also a better way to approach him doing that would have been to try and reason with him that he has to be able to see an end to things that might not be him catching the killer, most people do because they aren't cops. But I can see how TK has already been here for a year and a half with Carlos. And he has been supportive, he only asked for therapy when it started affecting their marriage and even then he didn't ask Carlos to give up the case. So now he's the one in crisis (not the same of course) and he's looking for that support and its not there. Instead Carlos seems to be insisting TK live with him in that grief of Gabriel's death until he's ready to move on, the "and it always will be" line, and that's not fair either. Sadly crisis rarely line up so that one person has fully processed everything when the next one hits. And for TK's POV it looks like Carlos is willing to let his little brother, a living person, be shipped off to be raised an ocean away, in the name of Carlos getting closure on a dead person, the whole future versus the past thing. And I could see why this would set him off so strongly. I don't think he's ignoring this painful subject in Carlos's life, he hasn't for the past year and a half, but he is saying in this instance he has his own needs and he's putting them first. This is just me imagining TK's POV, I don't think that's what Carlos was saying really but maybe he didn't think what he said through to the end very well. Does that make sense??

Also I totally agree with you on the Wyatt and "doing right by Julio" nonsense. I really hate when this show goes all out on the copaganda to justify questionable behavior. And if it wasn't for the specific "make things right" line used I might be able to see what Carlos did in a more favorable light. But Wyatt didn't do anything wrong, he actually did a really amazing job under pressure, and he shouldn't be made to feel this is something he owes the cops, or Julio, or anyone. I do know the show tends to do this and its why I always have to brace for episodes like this. And yeah, killing a bunch of people shouldn't be viewed as "making things right", I don't care who they are.

Hi <3 This is gonna be an ESSAY. I apologize in advance. Whoever has time to read all this...wow 😂 First of all, I don't mind anyone writing me with an opinion as long as it isn't racist/queerphobic/etc. So all good. I think it's super fair to want to talk about an issue and I will reply whenever I have the bandwidth 💕 Also, as someone who's not a native English speaker, I will not try to nail you down on word choices. But I think if you meant it literally, coming to 'Tk's defense' at least with me isn't necessary at all. My criticisms toward him or Carlos are never an attack on them and having a different opinion or coming at something from another angle is just that. No defense necessary. If that makes sense??? I hope that doesn't come off as condescending I'm just hoping that the implication of people criticising or stating opinions is taken less and less as an attack in general. Because fandom often falls in such a binary. Good vs. Bad. And I don't prescribe to that in life or fiction. All of this to say, I think you make really valid points for why TK feels that way. I agree to certain extends. TK for sure has had to struggle with watching his husband be consumed with work and his father's death. And even if Gabriel had died of natural courses, it is TOUGH supporting a partner. It surely was tough for Carlos to support TK in season 3. And that is a struggle you are willing to take when you love someone but it takes a toll nonetheless. BUT: narratively, what Lone Star gave us was this: therapy - resolution through a compromise with the box - Carlos helping with the barn - gigantic birthday party Carlos seemed to have organized or at least was heavily involved in and present for and THEEEEN - TK not communicating well. In real life, issues like that are so messy and take forever to be resolved. Ngl, I've been hurt about some things a lot less severe for yearrrs. And I go to therapy too lol. But Lone Star's short season and pacing and cramming all of this in one now leads to this narrative to feel so jumbles because we as viewers can guess that the issue wasn't resolved for TK. How could it be?

But to give us two episodes of only seeing them happy and united again and then have TK not talk about adopting Jonah with Carlos first? THAT for me is the issue. Not TK being snappy and being upset when Carlos brings up Gabriel. Despite not seeing the on-screen struggle of it continue, that still made sense to me. I don't see that to be the reason why TK sprung the Jonah thing on Carlos like that. And he DID spring it on Carlos. That is human and again, don't mind him not finding the perfect words. But S4 established Carlos as someone who said he might not want kids. That's where we left things off. Jonah challenges that. That is super fair. I honestly have a case like that in my family I won't go into details for, but when I was 20, I was very briefly considering taking care of a toddler despite the circumstances being very very bad. It resolved in another way, but still, I have an idea what it's like to have family crisis and beign forced into making that tough decision. TK is so valid in wanting to take care of Jonah. And not thinking through logistics like Carlos would have. He is a very heart-first person. I was still surprised why they made the dialogue as it is because TK gives NO room for Carlos to weigh in. Yes, it could be clear to TK that he won't allow his brother to be raised by an institution and Carlos would likely agree. But to not even consider asking Carlos if he is okay with it? To take that agency from him? I don't think that's right and maybe we will disagree on that. It's a HUMAN BEING. And Jonah would deserve better than to have one of the men raising him not be in it 100%. That's the reason I don't want kids. I don't think it's fair t be wishy-washy about a child. "and he's looking for that support and its not there. Instead Carlos seems to be insisting TK live with him in that grief of Gabriel's death until he's ready to move on, the "and it always will be" line, and that's not fair either." -I don't think Carlos is insisting anything. I think the scene was too brief even to get into what Carlos wants more than it showed us what Carlos FEARS. He fears he wouldn't be able to raise a kid right now. And I think that has only partially to do with Gabriel's murder. Again, even in s4 he doesn't think he's ready. Give that man a minute to come to terms with maybe having to adopt, or lose TK. That's what it boils down to. Being in a crisis, dealing with trauma, and your life changing basically forever. You can logically support TK 100% but you can't deny how someone saying: "Hi babe we'll be dads now" isn't going to make you panic. Hell, someone dropping a dog in front of my door would make me panic. A full on child. AH. And TK didn't go about asking for support. He demanded it. He didn't allow another path. And Carlos in turn said: I don't know if I can cross that line for my own needs and sanity. Controversial opinion but even the best relationship would not make me cross certain boundaries and I don't think that should be the norm. TK said he accepted Carlos not wanting to be a father. The circumstances are so out of norm that he now brings it back up and has to be insistent. I just wish he would acknowledge that this is not something Carlos can do easily. I texted Mar that TK starting the dialogue off differently would have changed the entire thing for me. Like something similar to. ""I'm looking at adoption lawyers because Enzo wants to send him to a boarding school and I don't think I can watch that happen."" - Shows that TK is struggling with that himself at least. Still disregarding what Carlos would say but it leaves the door open just a little more to show a conflict and Carlos might have not felt as bulldozed. Others would surely write it even better. This is already so fucking long .... Feel like I would all get this out a lot better if I wrote a fic about it ngl. I'm so sorry if this is jumbled and messy. I promise you I take your words in good faith.

[thesecretdcblog]

Do you have any batfamily headcanons?

BOY DO I EVER-

I'll go in age order for simplicity's sake.

I tend to base headcanons off people I know in real life, and also what I think makes sense for the character

Bruce

- Hella autistic

- Constantly mixing up his kids' names (based off my grandad, who had seven kids with my nan)

- Exposure to the bats in the Batcave has lessened his fear of them but not completely gotten rid of it

- One of those celebrities that always have the wildest stories to tell on those late night talk shows

- Huge ABBA fan

- Bisexual with no gender preference

- Duke once showed him an 'eat the rich' meme and he took it seriously enough to apologise for being a billionaire on twitter. He became a meme.

- Great at dancing, prefers slower ballroom dances

- Sometimes on quiet nights, he and Selina will dance on rooftops together

- Doesn't know how much things cost, gets memed on by his kids for this

Duke: How much is a loaf of bread?

Bruce: (internally) this is a trap (outwardly) ...$12?

Duke: *starts wheezing*

Babs

- Half Irish, Half Puerto-Rican

- Metalhead

- Loves big dogs, the bigger the better

- Wants a borzoi one day

- Doesn't want to be the mum friend and yet

- Cass and Steph are her favourites

- Allergic to birds

- Swears like a sailor

- Dad joke connoisseur

- Will roll her wheelchair over people's feet if they annoy her

Dick

- Will square up at the drop of a hat, especially if his siblings are involved. Don't test him.

- Undiagnosed ADHD, everyone knows he has it but he doesn't care enough to get tested

- He learns languages for fun. Pick a language, he probably speaks it, and if he isn't fluent he will be in a week.

- Can cook but gets distracted most of the time so he ends up missing an ingredient or skipping an important step or accidentally burning it

- Contortionist level flexibility (might be canon I don't remember)

- Had a MySpace account

- Pulls out circus skills at the most random times

Someone: we need a distraction

Dick: Say no more

Someone: Where did you get a unicycle?

- The actual coffee addict in the family

- Cries during any Disney movie

- Bisexual with a preference to women

Cass

- Can technically cook, but doesn't care about flavour so if left to her own devices she's making plain rice and unseasoned chicken (I do this irl)

- Twins with Tim (similar build + hairstyle)

- Is a couple months older than Jason

- Probably has a weird pet like a tarantula with the most cutesy name like Buttons or Princess

- Favourite ballet role is the Rat King in The Nutcracker

- Selective mutism but also uses it to get out of speaking to people she doesn't like

- Favourite sibling is Tim

- Loves capybaras - they're her favourite animal

- Biromantic demisexual

- Can't drive a car but can drive a motorcycle lol

Jason

- Quarter Native American and White on his mother's side, half Peruvian on his father's side

- The best cook in the family after Alfred and also stress bakes

- Never actually apologised for the Titans Tower incident, doesn't want to bring it up because it's been so long and it'll be awkward. He's pretty sure Tim doesn't even care that much (Tim doesn't but would still like an apology out of principle) (based off my two brothers, the older broke the younger's arm and never apologised. Younger is still bitter)

- Is that one insufferable person that complains about book to movie adaptations and how "it was better in the book"

- Aromantic-asexual but isn't aware of it just yet

- Plays Neopets

- Unironically listens to bubblegum pop

- Got a teaching license solely to fuck with Tim, and later Duke and Damian

- Recites Shakespeare to annoy goons with the audacity to kidnap him

- Very physically affectionate but holds back due to fear of rejection

Tim

- Half Russian, half Vietnamese (I think it was starrykitty013 who wrote a couple Russian Tim fics and I love the idea so much). And I don't remember who the artist is but I saw some Vietnamese Tim art and love that as well. So combine the two. (Edit: Artist is @/Axiliern)

- Sneaks out every now and then to go perform as a drag queen at a gay bar. All the tips he makes get donated to queer and youth charities.

- Has a bunch of random skills from either High Society Expectations(tm) or random shit he picked up while in boarding school or just living in Drake Manor by himself.

- Such skills including but not limited to: horse riding, playing the accordion, dancing, skateboarding, surfing, snowboarding (anything with a board), tennis etc

- Can cook but doesn't like to cook for himself, he will only do it if he's feeding multiple people. If he's eating alone he'd rather just order takeaway

- The Worst Road Rage

- When Jack started getting better they bought an old muscle car to fix up together and it's one of Tim's best memories with his dad. He still has the car.

- Not a coffee addict, but he is a soft drink/energy drink addict

- One time on a family vacation to Bondi Beach, he got stung by a blue bottle and it was one of the worst things he's ever experienced and he's been stabbed on multiple occasions

- Had a scene kid phase. With the side fringe and everything.

- Also had a MySpace account and found Dick's account. He also has a Tumblr account where he posts his photography

Steph

- Also had a scene kid phase

- Has a Tumblr. Mutuals with Tim

- Has German ancestry from Crystal's side but struggles to learn the language

- Undiagnosed ADHD because her parents couldn't afford the test

- Huge fan of Kesha. Went to see her live once with Tim and almost passed out from excitement (based off my best friend)

- Really obsessed with fish and has like 3 aquariums in her apartment

- Used to go swing dancing with Tim when they dated and she really enjoyed it so she just kept going even after they broke up

- Puts stickers on everything

- Favourite ice cream flavour is dulce de leche

- Allergic to honey

Duke

- Heteroflexible (Makes "I'm not gay but $20 is $20" jokes

- Redditor but solely to read the AITA subreddit

- Somehow gets away with everything, despite personally giving Bruce at least 5 new grey hairs

- Will start arguments because he's bored

- Bullies Dick for being a cop

- Was a dinosaur kid (still is a dinosaur kid)

- Learned to sing in the church choir (I did and I'm projecting)

- Will throw hands if someone leaves a room without turning the light off or leaves his room and doesn't close the door

- No PR training and refuses any and all attempts to make him do it

- Loves 90s and 2000s music

Damian

- Actually did eventually apologise to Tim for trying to kill him (Tim called him a wuss for it though)

- Constantly complaining about not being able to drive the Batmobile

- Vegetarian, and will tell you the differences between vegetarianism and veganism

- Will pull the "Baby of The Family" card to get his way

- Autistic as fuck. Special interests include animals and horror games.

- Knows all the FNAF lore

- Wants to be a veterinarian

- Calls his siblings by nicknames in Arabic, but hasn't yet caught on that they all speak Arabic at least a little

- Warrior cats kid

- Currently trying to convince Bruce to get him a horse, and some more cows so BatCow has some friends

[creatingblackcharacters]

Sorry to bother, I felt it was better to ask here than your main. Not to be so blunt but, what's your method for doing research? Done you have any advice for someone with adhd or attention span issues? I feel I've tried everything. i have adhd and struggle with studying and note taking, i can go on entire rabbit holes but retaining the information is a problem (even saving information, i have so many bookmarks and tabs but i don't remember for what lol), your lessons are very informative and has been helpful! you said your research takes a while but the end results are so well done. I want to do my own research for my own essays and personal projects, but this was something I always struggled with in HS... I'm no longer in school so the pressure of a deadline isn't entirely there anymore so I'm in no rush for a long answer! have a good rest of your day!

I feel like this gonna be a disappointing answer 😅 well, part of it really was just being taught how to take notes. When I was an 8th grader, I had a history teacher who said he would teach us to take notes by speaking them, and the most important things he'd say three times, but that's it. Not a PowerPoint, nothing. Dare I say it, I learned how to take outlines better and it has lasted me my entire life. (Granted I like history and I enjoyed listening to him talk bc his voice was pleasant)

But I also... Think in outlines, if that makes sense. It makes me less stressed than just a Mass of Information, when you break it down. So what I'll do is I'll start with random notes that fall under one topic on my phone. Then, as time goes on and I add more things, it sort of starts to break down into categories. Rather than keeping up the tabs (because tabs and notifications stress me TF out) I just save the URL under the category and move on. So I now know whatever this is, it falls under this point. I'll essentially organize "beginning", "points", "conclusion".

Once the outline gets too large (subjective, when I feel like I'm overwhelmed) I move it to a word doc and make it an actual outline. When I feel like it, I eventually go back and fill in the details, read the articles at hand. Thing about the articles is, you gotta be able to skim well. Not just skim quickly to say you read it; but to be able to say "out of all of this, this section here and here will strengthen my essay". I admit I do read fast though, but I also read multiple times. No need to rush- you're here to understand, not pass a test. So I might go "today, I want to focus on reading stuff within Category 2".

As for attention span issues, I deal with that by doing shit when I want, and also doing what little I can manage. Anything is better than zero. If all you can do that day is five minutes of review, so be it. Make it count. But I also am the type of person who will go from "five minutes every week" to "I'm at the computer obsessed for six hours" so that's probably not helpful 😅

If it helps, I've got a whole Masters degree. I've had to work hard and practice note taking and retention, via what works for me. You don't have to hold yourself to that strict of a standard for research that you enjoy, I just do what I'm used to from academia. Plus this is all stuff that I've lived- it's easy to retain information when it's literally your life, versus something wholly new.

[danieyells]

Rui mizuki’s lines from Tokyo debunker if you haven’t yet PLEASE I will love you for all eternity

They’re edging me with the rui crumbs every chapter I can’t take it anymore

One flirty reaper coming right up!! And by right up i mean almost a week after you asked hhahaha

BUT YEAH WE DO GET A LITTLE OF HIM HERE AND THERE i wonder why he pops up so much. Especially for someone who allegedly tries not to be around other people much due to his deadly touch? Kinda sus--

also this is the first time i've posted all of someone's lines! not that i don't always end up posting 95% of them anyway, but for some reason some of Rui's were ordered weird(they're normally not entirely in order but they're usually sectioned properly, but for some reason one of his affinity chats was way in the wrong place) and I ended up closely paying attention to which one i was looking at and before i knew it i posted all of them lmao. . . .

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"{PC}, hey! Here's to another day vibing our way through curse twin life!"

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Huh? Did you know you've got unread messages? Oh, that's why you've been leaving me on delivered! Ahaha!"

no that's just because my adhd makes me hyperfocus on things and it refuses to allow me to attempt to allot attention or energy to things it deems me not having enough attention span or energy or time for and i'm sorry--

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"Aw c'mon Ed, again? Why does he always leave his socks on the floor... It's actually exhausting picking up after him all the time..."

lazy sloppy vampire lol

"You look kind of tired {PC}, you doing okay? Why don't you stop by the bar later? I can be your shoulder to cry on."

"Hey! You on break now? If you're super nice and you're gonna come chill with me now, put your hands up!"

"{PC}...were you just checking me out? Hey, it's all good, don't be embarrassed!"

"Oof, Ed popped out of nowhere so I accidentally touched him and he died again. Now I have to carry him all the way back to the dorm..."

i love the face he makes when he says this lmao like he is so tired of Ed's carelessness!

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"{PC}! Did you come here to see me first thing? No way! You just made my day!"

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Aw c'mon, Ed, what are you doing sleeping out here? Didn't you just take a nap, old man? You're gonna catch a cold!"

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Oh hey, it's {PC}! Can't believe I ran into you here, so random! Guess we've gotta go on a date now, huh? It's like, written in the stars!"

i love flirty characters like rui lolol just. there's always More Going On there. and Rui starts off with More right off the bat.

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I can touch the plants as long as I have gloves on! I mean yeah, I'm pretty sure the same goes for people, but don't you think it'd be scary to test it out?"

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Come swing by the bar later! I'd rather watch a pretty face like yours while I work instead of a bunch of drunk guys."

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What? Ed was praising my good looks? I mean he's right, right? People always tell me my face is my only redeeming feature!"

but rui works so hard!? who's saying that!!

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh sorry, I don't do the whole class thing! You go, I'm all good here!"

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ouch! Aw man, that rose thorn just scratched my arm... Wait, nooo! My rose bushes are wilting!!"

it's so easy for him to accidentally kill anything lmaoooo

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Are you out here by yourself, {PC}? Isn't that like not super dangerous? ...Wait, did that make sense? Whatever, let me walk you back!"

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Sorry! A drunk customer broke a glass, so I'm cleaning it up! Everyone's a little pent-up lately, I guess."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Watering plants in the AM is such a mood lift, right? Whoa, everything's blooming like crazy out here! Better get my pruning shears."

it's a testament to how well he takes care of these plants that they grow super well in permanently-night Obscuary, i think. 8'D

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Huh? Look, you've got loose threads on your uniform. Give it to me, I'll fix it for you!"

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hey, {PC}, did you eat yet? My door's always open! You can just stay the night after!"

damn already inviting you to stay over at affinity 13--just don't share the bed, you'll wake up super dead

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"(yawn) Wow, I am dead tired... but I've gotta take a shower, make breakfast, and do the laundry before those two sleepyheads get up."

it takes a real man to be a single mother. . . .

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh hey, what's your poison? Wait, I mean, morning! Man, I tried to take my friend's drink order when we were hanging out yesterday too, occupational hazard I guess."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"A mission? I'm good, thanks though! Oh hey, you should invite Lyca! He'd totally be into that!"

Lyca also probably needs them to pass the grade lol

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"No way, look at the time! Wish I could keep listening to you talk... Wanna stay over?"

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Oh man, I'm sorry! I'm closing early, I've got plans with a friend tonight. It'd be awesome if you could come by tomorrow!"

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Congrats on making it through another day, {PC}! I seriously admire you for working so hard. You're not doing this all for me, are you?"

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Morning! Whoa, you wanna help me with the housework, {PC}? It's all good, thanks though! The thought's more than enough for me."

c'mon, refusing help at affinity 20? let the pc be your little helper at least!

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Obscuary looks like it'd be full of downers, but it's actually pretty lively in there, right? Not gonna lie, I def prefer it that way."

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Lyca's an open book, but the flip side is he says the darndest things... I feel like watching him is bad for my heart..."

he talks so much about his teammates, he really is such a mom. . . .

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"My eyes are red? Huh, that's weird... Oh yeah, I was cutting onions just now when I was preparing the appetizers for the bar!"

. . .idk this is pretty high affinity. . .you were crying about something weren't you rui. . .or romeo paid you in weed and you were getting tweaked up in the back of the bar

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Oh, don't worry about me, I always sleep late! I'm down to chat till you drift off to dreamland."

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"Sometimes I wish I could've met you as a regular guy. I guess you wouldn't have given me the time of day if I had though, ahaha."

is it just me or. . .does it feel like he gets a little more distant as his affinity gets higher? like after affinity 17 it feels like he gets a little less flirty and a little more at arms length. . .like he knows his feelings are getting so strong that he might not be able to resist touching you, but he's too scared to do it even with the gloves on. . .so he tries to keep you a little further away. . .and then he admits it, he wishes he could be with you like a normal person, but if he were just some flirt in the street none of this would have ever happened. Poor Rui, he's cursed to be beloved but unable to give love how he wants in return.

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh man, so nice... The weather's like perfect this time of year, right? Wish we could just chill like this forever."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Man, you wouldn't even know it was spring with how bleak it is in Obscuary! Aren't there any cuter anomalous plants out there?"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"I feel like Ed's getting more senile every day... Maybe I should confiscate his tablet."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"So, what do you think of my spring-inspired cocktail? Almost as cute as you, right? I'm gonna add it to the menu!"

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"C'mon! It's summer, how can the sun never rise in Obscuary!? I wanna get a tan!"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"It's not summer if you don't hit the beach! I used to go all the time back when I surfed. And then I'd pick up girls on my way home... Just kidding, I promise!"

why 'just kidding' lolol you're not together! this relationship is not monogamous even if you were!

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ta-da! I've got sparklers! Fireworks are fun and all, but there's something special about holding a light that only sparkles for a hot moment."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"It's so hot out, I bet the bar's gonna be a ghost town... Guess I'll send Harurin and Romi a PR message!"

reaching out to the local population of alcoholic ghouls to remind them to give him business lol

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"There's so many dead leaves this time of year, it's a nightmare keeping on top of them! But you can use them to make a fire and roast stuff. Gotta look on the brights!"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Hey {PC}, when are you free? I have a date idea for us—a romantic walk to admire the fall leaves! I'll pack us a lunch!"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Oh damn! You look so cute all bundled up like that, {PC}! We've gotta take a selfie together!"

direct contrast to romeo who sees you in winterwear and calls you a fat slug kekw

(between 8pm and 5am)

"That piano anomaly makes the soundtrack for the bar! The song picks really tug at the heartstrings, right?"

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"You're a little late today, huh? If you can't get up in the cold, I could be your alarm!"

just gotta be really loud since he'd be too afraid to touch you awake, since he actually wants you to y'know wake up--

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh man, how is Lyca so full of energy when it's this cold? You should take him to Frostheim and see if he runs around in the snow like a puppy."

rui pointing at lyca: that dog is my son please take care of him

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Nothing like winter to make you miss the warmth of human touch... Oh, I'm good! Just getting to talk like this is all I need!"

BBY WE ARE ALL BUNDLED UP. YOU CAN HUG YOU'VE BOTH PROBABLY GOT ON AT LEAST TWO LAYERS JUST DON'T TOUCH FACES.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Here, this Rui-original hot cocktail will warm you up! I'll blow on it for you, free of charge!"

is this the next step after gamer bathwater. host club host breath.

His birthday: (March 14th)

"Yeah, it's my birthday today! Oh damn, you're gonna celebrate it with me!? No way, I'm like, super touched right now!!"

Your birthday:

"{PC}... Happy birthday!! C'mon, birthday girl, sit down and chill out! This is your day, you should take it easy!"

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year! Want to start the year off on a high and come on a shrine date with me?"

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Oh damn, are these for me? My heart! Is this your way of professing your love to me? Do I have a shot here?"

White Day: (March 14th)

"Ta-da! Happy White Day! This is for you! What's inside? You've gotta open it and find out!"

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Guess what!? I finally broke my curse! Let's hold hands... just kidding! April Fools!"

this feels more like a joke on him than on you. . .a mean one at that lol

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Happy happy happy Halloween!! Trick or treat! Obviously I'm picking trick, ahaha!"

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas, {PC}! Oh man, I must be like, super blessed to get to spend it with you!"

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Hey, hey, hey! We finally get to spend some time together, it's illegal to take your eyes off me!"

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC}? You seem kind of busy, guess I'll take this chance to get some work done…"

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"{PC}, you're back! I was worried you'd forgotten about me!!"

he's so flirty and clingy, but also he can't be clingy because he's scared you'll die if he touches you, even if he's wearing gloves. . .also surely your curse would cancel out his? Then again I'm sure a reaper i stronger than any other [living] anomaly out there. . . .

but. yeah. rui's a darling haha he just. he's another one of the 'i just wanna be a regular person, i wanna go back to normal' characters whose desire to just be a guy makes him special in a more fantastical world. i'm really looking forward to seeing the Obscuary chapter--probably like a month away, right? 'u'

[steamberrystudio]

08/06/2025 Devlog

Hello everyone! Back to update here again though it's been longer than it should be. I really thought I'd updated here like...a couple of weeks ago but turns out...no.

It's been over a month. How it's been a whole month, I don't know. That timeline does not make sense in my brain.

So you might be asking why I don't just set up reminders for myself. And the answer to that, my friend, is...I have reminders. The problem with regular automatic reminders is that over time they stop being effective. I literally do not notice them.

And that's kind of where my google calendar reminders are at the moment. I get them and my brain refuses to acknowledge them. I do update Patreon weekly (most of the time. I won't pretend I don't occasionally forget over there too) and Itch monthly. It's just that juggling multiple update avenues is tricky.

ANYWAY. I went through recently to clean up some of my reminders because I hope that getting fewer of them will make it so I actually notice the ones I'm getting.

We'll see.

Life with ADHD. Huzzah.

But let's jump into the actual update.

Summary Bullets:

Finished both new sprites for Chapter 6

Released the Chapter 6 beta

Made some corrections based on testing

Worked on the Ch 6 game guide

Made a Ch 6 teaser *points*

Finished Yren's character teaser.

Started somewhat working on Ch 7 here and there to get a head start.

Art:

Since my last update, the big "art things" I've done include - finishing the character teasers. I don't even know which was the last one I posted here. I may have only posted like...two on tumblr. But they all exist so there's that!

I finished the teaser for Chapter 6...Again. *points*

And I completed the two sprites I needed for Chapter 6.

Since Ch 6 doesn't have any CGs, I didn't have to worry about doing any of those so I've been able to focus elsewhere but there wasn't, ultimately, much art to worry about this time around in the first place.

Writing:

Finished and coded all of the POV scenes - about 10,000 words of content total.

The POV scenes this time around revolve around the love interests reflecting on the events of Chapter 5 and how they are beginning to feel (or how they have been feeling for a while now) about the MC.

The Chapter 6 update - including the bonus scenes - ends up bringing around 43,000 words of new content to the game, pushing the total released content to over 250,000 words.

A bit under 50% of the current total.

Of course, because the scenes are tied to Chapter 5, you have to replay to unlock them. I still haven't figured out how to do that retroactively yet. Since I haven't even decided what all the bonus scenes will be or where they will go.

Though I guess a slightly clunky method does come to mind.

Anyway, that's a problem for Future!Me.

Other Stuff:

Since my last update, I obviously did a ton of coding - finished all the sprite expressions, finished setting up the flowchart, finished glossary articles and translations and all of that. And just basically got the route fully functional.

I also fixed some errors and bugs - like one that was breaking the glossary.

I added a new toggle for the sound notification for the glossary articles. Because there are now glossary articles with descriptive text that unlock for every location and person you meet (for accessibility reasons), the sound notification is a bit intense at the start of the game. So I thought it was best to allow people to turn it off.

And of course, the fact that I released the beta version to testers on Patreon means I have been correcting some typos in that as well.

Fortunately it doesn't seem like there are any huge bugs this time around.

...SO FAR. LoL

But it's only been a week so...who knows?

Upcoming Weeks:

I will probably be releasing the EA version before my next update here even if I post the update on time. I am thinking within a week or so.

I need to focus on getting the game guides done before EA so that will be my main focus for the next couple of days, and beyond that I'll continue to fix any errors or mistakes testers find.

And, of course, also getting the preliminary parts of Chapter 7 set up in advance of really buckling down to work on it..

(Currently working on staging the sprite positions and appearances in Chapter 7)

If Chapter 6 is the set up for upcoming plot events, Chapter 7 is where things start falling into place and some of the many, many theories people have come up with start being proven or disproved.

Chapter 6 is likely to be the shortest episode I release. I had thought about releasing it along with Ch 5 or with Ch 7. But the problem is that Chapter 5 and Chapter 7 are both *really long*

Chapter 9 is technically shorter than Chapter 6 but I think I'm going to release Chapter 8 and Chapter 9 together.

If I do that, it means 4 more episodes and each one will be...really big.

Chapter 7 - 75k

Chapters 8 & 9 - 90k

Chapter 10 - 89k

Chapters 11, 11, & 13 - 114k

And that's without any bonus scenes or additional endings or anything.

I think it's a nice breathing space for me before we get into the monster episodes which is...all that's left (unless I break up the two multi-chapter episodes, which I may end up doing for sanity. WHO KNOWS. There are pros and cons either way.)

Anyway. That is all for now.

I will see you guys in a few weeks. *wave*

[devil-acid]

go to college and get an art degree they said, it will give you employment they said

lalala long rant where i been that probably would be a vent (if someone cares)

so long story, ALL MY MENTAL ILLNESS GOT WORSEEEE, to the point i had to get diagnose with antidepresesants (and one of the pills is for people with schizophrenia (i dont have schizophrenia)), I also been trying to get a diagnose for probably my adhd but for the love of god , it just seems imposible to get one, they give me a paper that says "do test for adhd" and I go to the hospital to do the test and they tell me the numbers of test is wrong so they cant do the test because.... I dunno, so I go back to the clinic so they can give me the same permit with the correct number, I went again to the hospital and they FUCKING TELL ME

oo opps we dont do this test here, you have to do it IN THE SAME CLINIC YOU PRINT THE PERMIT

and im: HABER CARASAPOHIJUEPUTACOMOELQUEESTAMONDAERAENLAHIJUEPUTACLINICADELINICIOYNOENSTECARECHIMBADEACAPORQUENOMEDIJIERONESOANTES

so I calmly go back to the clinic, tell them i have to do the adhd test here and the guy has the audacity to tell me...

ummm did you already went to the hospital?

... so anyways im gaslighting myself into thinking im just a neurotypical person who is very lazy as I cant afford a private therapy since im very poor, I love the public healthcare of my country guys :)))

also im blaming all of this because FUCKING COLLEGE, THIS SEMESTER WAS THE WORST OMFG, do you want to go to an art college? DONT (unless ur rich and have a good mental stability), the amount of projects I have to do, the days I couldnt sleep (my record of staying awake was 2 days and a half) seeing how my work was actually NOT GOOD ENOUGH, lmao not gonna lie, I lost to much passion for doing art that there were days I didnt want to pick up a pencil but i have to do it because im in art college and i have work to do even if my body was screaming to dont do it... at least I know how to use after effects now

the only thing keeping me sane was... a game... of.. cookies..., that I play every single day.... i love those cookies man. you dont understand the obbsession I HAVE, (which is ironic because they are doing a better job on my brain than my antidepressants lol)

well anyways, finish my semester a week ago, been sleeping more than 13 hours a day and im feeling kinda great now so yeah, thats what i been doing lmao (and nobody ask for)

also you should listen to femtanyl, her music is *chef kisses*

[roonotrue]

Hi, I hope you are having a good day ^^ can I order a fic (M) reader, romantic, fluff, accidental confession & games with Idia? Perhaps where they are both at a sleepover in Idia's room while staying up late to play a video game (something similar to Final Fantasy, or something simpler like Stardew Valley or Minecraft, or a competitive game like Mortal Kombat, choose the game you like the most) and, being influenced by the Reader's gameplay, he simply confesses without thinking about it?

~~~

General Masterpost

Events Masterpost 1

Requested From: Oneshot Request Prompts 5/29 (starts) - 6/19 (ends)

Love this request- I knew Idia was gonna get the gaming prompt- it'd be a crime not to write one for him with it, lol. I meant to finish this yesterday but fell asleep because I have horrifically untreated ADHD and but hey, I got it out for the start of Pride Month! My first gay fic for the season y'all, and I tried my best, cuz I haven't done a lot of Idia writing which is wild cuz he's one of my favorite characters.

I should also note- I love all of these games, and I struggled so hard since you sent this prompt writing multiple different versions of this using different games- and this is the one I liked the most! I might post the others some other time if I feel like going in and polishing them up a bit, but we'll see. Anyway- I hope you enjoy!

~~~

MORTAL KOMBAT 11™

"Why is combat spelled with a 'k'?" Is the first thing Idia asks when you come over to play games and present him with the rarest thing you could have possibly found at Sam's today.

"The fuck if I know, now you gonna play or you turnin' chicken on me, Shroud?" You challenge giving him a well practiced cocky smirk.

One you used to wear more often in your old world when you were the best at playing competitive fighting games in your friend group. You've been humbled since meeting Idia here in NRC though.

This though- this you think you have a right to be cocky about.

Because of all the games from your world to find- of all the competitive fighting games to find- you found this one.

You've struck gold.

Not even gold ore- pure, already processed bars of gold, because this- this means you stand a chance against this raging nerd who treats gaming like it's his day job, hobby, and addiction all at once. Which it actual might be at this point.

It's adorable though, so you forgive him for all of his ruthless victories and gloating over you in terms of competitive games, because honestly? You'd do the same.

You're about to do the same tonight when you kick his ass at Mortal Kombat™.

"Chicken? Seriously? And what's made you all confident? Just because it's a game from your world doesn't mean I can't master it in like, two rounds max, LMAO." He gives you that overconfident smile of his and you struggle not to melt at the idea of how comfortable it means he's gotten with you.

When you two first started hanging out he was a stuttering stumbling mess, barely able to comprehend that you would even want to hang out with him of all people.

After a while of beating you at every game he introduced you too, and then letting you wallow in anguish while playing a calmer farming based game together- he's become far more used to having you around. Far more confident, cocky, and dare you say happy to have someone else to play videogames with, both online and in his dorm room together.

Sitting on the floor, way to close to his tv trying desperately to- at the very least- inconvenience him at a dumb racing game that reminds you a lot of Mario Kart™ (another game spelled with a 'k' not a 'c'- is that just are weird your world thing for games?) every Saturday bleeding into Sunday morning- sometimes afternoon- has become the best part of your week these last few months.

"Well I guess we'll just have to put that to the test then!" You laugh, moving to sit on the blanket-pillow pile Idia had prepared for you twos game night, surrounded by junk food and carbonated energy drinks. Vil would obliterate you with his mind if he knew about this.

"Fine, but don't go crying to Ortho again when I beat you." He says that, but you know that if you do start struggling, he eases up and will even let you win once or twice.

You pretend you don't know as you brag about the victory, and he plays 'sore loser' grumbling with a small smile on his face as he watches you run to tell Ortho of your 'success.'

It's... One of those little things between you two.

One of the things that you can't decide if the dizzy way it makes you feel is because of how close you two are- legs pressing together still from push at each other trying to throw each other off- or because of the egregious amount of carbonated liquid sugar you've drank.

Either way it always leaves you a little more confused then you where before about your feelings towards him.

You smile fondly when Idia settles next to you, ignoring the rush of instant oxytocin flooding your brain when your arms brush.

"Sure, but only if you don't go crying to him when you don't." You smirk opening the game case and putting it into the game console- which luckily enough, seemed to work with the disc even if it was meant for a playstation.

You hope this doesn't break it or anything.

Probably won't.

Hopefully won't.

Anyway-

"Sooo, you gonna tell me how to play or is part of your strat gonna be throwing me in the deep end to drown?" Idia looks at you with a raised brow and slight smile and you roll your eyes.

"Of course not- I wanna win, not be a dick. We can run a practice round or two." You quickly explain the controls to him- or at least how they seem to translate on these controllers, which, to be fair, are similar enough to ones from your world.

"So there's a ton of characters to chose from- they have different combos that you can look at here-" Idia goes very still when you lean over him pressing some buttons on his controller to show him how to get to the combo move list menu.

"So- you got it?" You pull back to meet his eyes with a wide smile.

"W-what?" He jumps when you lock eyes, his face slightly pink as he stumbles with the controller he almost accidently tossed, making you laugh a bit.

"Do you understand the control? Ready to do a practice round?" You ask, and he gulps nervously.

"Uh- yeah, G2G. I learn better from practice anyway." Where'd all that confidence he had earlier go?

You smirk to yourself as you turn back to the screen, picking your character.

"I'd recommend Scorpion or Sub-Zero- they're my favorites." You point the characters out- letting Idia chose first.

Because you're nice.

He picks Scorpion, so you go with Sub-Zero.

And as soon as the game starts it takes all but fifteen minutes for Idia to absorb everything you tell him, and he's able to go toe to toe with you on your practice fights, and even beats you on the last one.

"Huh- this is legit just a classic 2D fighting game. You do know I'm a pro at those too? Lol." He side eyes you as he puts down the controller with a small scoffed laugh and you bump him with your shoulder as you snort and bring a finger up to the bridge of your nose.

"Um, actually, it's a 2.5D fighting game-" You mimic his voice, making it a bit more nerdy and exaggerated though.

"Shut up-" He shoves you back and you quickly hit start on the next game a real game, not practice.

"Wha- Hey! I wasn't ready you can't-"

"Can and did!" You laugh as he fumbles to grab his control and adjust his grip.

You are kind enough to wait for him to get settled before you start to play though. Cuz again, you're oh so nice. Gamers honor and all that.

And you let him get his hits in.

And then you stop playing around.

See the thing is, when you first started playing video games- it was fighting ones like Mortal Kombat, and when you finally got a copy for your game console you played it nonstop until you where pretty sure you almost gave yourself carpal tunnel in under a week.

So if there is any game- any game in this world or the next that you'll beat Idia at, it's gonna be this one. Even if he learns fast and has years more general gaming experience than you.

The room falls quiet, nothing but the sound of the button mashing of the controllers and the occasional sigh, scoff, and chuckle whenever one of you is winning or loosing.

Idia manages to hold his own extremely well for his first time playing, but eventually-

"YES!" You cheer launching your hands into the air, controller falling into your lap. You fall back into the pillows behind you- back aching from being hunched over and eyes burning a little from not blinking as much as possible.

"Finally! A victory against the infamous Gloomurai!" You can tell Idia is looking at you slightly miffed for a moment before his gaze shifts to something else as you sit back up and make a fake bow.

"I'd like to thank my father- for introducing me to violent fighting videogames at a faaar to young age- and my friends from Earth for their years of trying to beat me at Mortal Kombat and helping me keep my epic skills sharp- and of course Sam, for somehow magically having a copy of this damn game- I won't be able to afford food this week because of it's outrageous price- but it was worthy to be sitting here now with this W!" You monologue dramatically.

In the corner of your eye you can see Idia shaking his head with a genuine smile on his face and slight flush on his cheeks- embarrassment if you had to guess.

"Yeah yeah, gg, you won- one out of three. Now sit back up- I'm still getting used to the game." He scoffs, but the small doesn't fade and you do as he asks.

"Excuses excuses, Shroud- but okay. I don't mind kicking your butt two more times, but if I do, I am absolutely bragging about it for the rest of my life." You shove him and he shoves you back.

"Uh-huh, and if you don't I'm never letting you live down all this cocky smack-talk."

So you both play again- and it's definitely harder, but you manage to beat him again, this time you burst out laughing as he groans at loosing by a hair.

"God, I forgot how sweet victory tastes- no offence Idia, but defeating you is officially the best moment of my life. My crowning achievement." You sigh dramatically draping an arm over his shoulders.

He tenses instantly under the touch and you glance up at him to see that same pink hue on his face from earlier, though this time he refuses to meet your eyes, or even turn towards you.

"Hey- you good-"

"Yep! I'm G-great- just uh- not used to losing." He coughs into his elbow as you pull away, and you tilt your head, watching him carefully.

He really isn't the best at lying to you... But you guess you'll let it go... For now.

"Hm, well, congrats, I'm here to help you officially get used to it." You pat his back and while he doesn't look at you as you turn your attention back to picking a new character for the next round- okay with losing it if only to make him feel better- he does it for you after all- you hear the smallest little scoff from him.

And then-

"You're so lucky you're cute..."

"What was that?" Your brain comes to a screeching halt and you can practically feel your neck snap with how fast you turn to look at Idia- the words so quiet you're damn near certain they were an auditorial hallucination or something.

"Whatwaswhat?" Instantly Idia shrinks in on himself, his whole face painted a dark crimson and his hair blazing up, turning a bright pink that stands out in the blue hues of his Ignihyde dorm room.

Oh.

Oh.

It definitely wasn't a hallucination.

"The thing you just mumbled, what was it?" You ask again, heart hammering in your chest and the dumbest grin making it's way to your face.

"N-nothing- fuck- RIP my dignity, alt f-4, alt f-4, alt f-4-" He chants under his breath as if that will magically let him disappear into the ether, and leans as far back away from you as he can- refusing to turn back to look at you.

"Oh, it was definitely something~" You tease leaning forward as he leans away and at your ton his head darts to look at you like a deer in headlights.

"H-huh!?!? H-hey don't look at me like that! Seven, this is straight out of a cringy otome game and I just got the bad ending for sure..." You knew his hair turned normal fiery orange and red when he was angry or really passionate about something, but you didn't know it could turn pink like this.

You're tempted to reach out a hand and touch the non-harmful flames. Well, they're unharmful when their blue, but they do burn when they're red.

"Would you're hair burn me if it's pink like this?" You voice the thought as you toss your controller to the side and fully turn to face Idia, who has been slowly backing away from the situation.

He freezes at the question and if his face could turn redder, your certain it would.

"I-w-what kind of- I don't- L-look, I d-didn't mean to say a-anything it was stupid, and cringe, and if you want to leave I totally get it and if you don't want to talk to me anymore either I won't bother you-" He starts spiraling and you roll your eyes.

You rise up to your knees and then fall forward, arms open, crashing into Idia's chest and wrapping your arms around him, he let's out a loud startled yelp arms instinctually wrapping around your form to catch you as you send the both of you crashing to the blanketed floor and you can't help but chuckle.

You can hear his heart beating like a drum solo's going on in his chest.

You lift your head, resting your chin on his chest as you grin up at his scarlet face, which looks like the human equivalent to a computer blue screening.

"Hey Idia?" You mumble into the soft fabric of his blue hoodie and his grip on you tightens just a smidge, but he still refuses to look at you.

"Y-yeah?"

"This is definitely the good ending- so calm down a bit before you give yourself a heart attack. I don't wanna lose my new boyfriend as soon as I get him." You laugh and Idia jumps like you just slapped him in the face- finally looking down at you, eyes wide.

"B-b-boyfriend!?!?" His voice cracks so sharply that you flinch at the sound.

"Well, you haven't asked me out, but I can ask you out instead if you want?" You smirk at him and he opens and closes his mouth like a gaping fish for a long few moments.

"I- you-"

"Do you not want to date-?"

"No! W-wait- no! I m-mean- like- yes, I do- i-if you want to- seven this is so- a-are you sure you don't j-just wanna leave- you don't gotta s-stay out of pity or anything-"

"Idia?" You cut him off, pushing up off of him and hovering over him, looking at his blushing face with a small, but very genuine smile.

"Y-yes?" He squeaks, shrinking into his hoodie as your gaze pins him in place.

"Would you like to go on a gaming date with me next weekend?" You ask with the very same confident smirk your wore at the beginning of this night and below you, despite turning his gaze away in embarrassment, smiles too.

"Y-yes please..." He manages to stumble out and you push up off the ground to give him some space to cool off for a moment, offering him a hand to help him up.

"Alright then! Snack break, then we're finishing this final round, k?" You decide and he darts up, baffled.

"What!? Y-you can't just hit me with a six-attack combo and then act all casual like that-!" He shouts, hair still pink on the ends but calming down back to blue, his face though, is still a bright scarlet.

"Oh? Well you're the one you made the first hi- what? Are you scared you'll lose again cuz I'm to pretty for you to focus?" You tease as you rip open a back of the nearest bag of chips and start munching, wagging your eyebrows at him.

"N-no! Ugh- you're-! I'm picking the game next week!" He gives up, ripping the bag from you hands and violently shoving some of the chips in his mouth to shut himself up.

You laugh at the action and let yourself shuffle closer to him again until your sides are pressed together.

"Okay by me- just go easy on me, I'm your boyfriend now after all~" You chuckle as you nudge him and he rolls his eyes, hair back to blue but face still flushed a pretty shade of pink.

"After today? I'm fr never going easy on you again."

"Liar, you will."

"... Yeah. I guess I will."

~~~

Word Count: 3,011-ish

Y'all, I was writing this and realized "I still haven't finished book 6 yet" So I went and jumped between writing this and doing that.

And I'm on the cusp of finishing book 6 but I'm struggling with the final boss because I'm so bad at building good teams- it's a whole thing- point is, I still haven't gotten the Crewel card guys and I am GRIEVING.

But it's fine. I'm an adult. I can handle this, and I'm working on the next request tonight, so hopefully I'll have it posted sometime tomorrow, so see you then! Byeeee ~ Roo

[ebonyheartnet]

Just got viscerally reminded of my 9th grade chemistry teacher, and hoooo, that is a memory. Picture this:

You’re 14, failing hard at being a girl (you aren’t lol), and failing harder. Despite the Tism, you test phenomenally, so they force you to take a bunch of advanced courses. You told them that that always backfires though, and oh look! You were right!

Enter your chemistry teacher.

By the end of first quarter, you are 100% convinced that you’d set each other on fire and proudly turn down an alibi.

(Yes, you were born to be a dramatic emo kid and forced into pink denim jackets, why do you ask?)

Point is that y’all don’t get along, and she is one of the very few people you have no interest in pleasing. Sure, you’re upset that you’re failing, despite trying So Hard, but failure is life, right? It doesn’t matter how well you test if you can’t do anything else.

A few weeks after break, your chemistry teacher finally reaches the breaking point, and you wind up getting lunch detention. She has a sneaking suspicion after seeing your overstuffed backpack that morning, so you have to go get it.

Once everything’s laid out, she’s floored.

Her winter break packet is there, with all of the extra credit. It just got lost in the six loose 98% complete English assignments, including a ten page essay. There’s also math—so much extra practice math to try to force geometry into common sense—and more.

When she throws her hands up and demands an explanation, you do the only thing you can: tell the truth.

For the first three weeks, you had a glorious binder system. It was all set up so that you could handle the entire year—no more repeats of middle school bullshit! You were getting ready to be an adult, and you wanted to prove it!

Another kid ���accidentally” knocked everything out of your hands during dismissal.

Pages and forms went flying. You lost a few dividers during the shuffle between classes, and it all had to go in your backpack or you’d miss the bus.

You feared missing the bus a lot more than missing homework, but particular that truth was implied.

(Just because you didn’t like her didn’t mean she was stupid, and you appreciated that.)

Hard as you tried, you couldn’t fix everything. It just snowballed from there.

She needed a moment so she wouldn’t scream, but then she got to work.

Even after that, you never really liked her back then. She was pretty blunt, and abrasive, and you’d been given really thin skin on purpose.

You still worked with her though to reset things that year. Funny, because she wasn’t even SPED, or in charge of your case. She just got tired of watching you struggle with tools you couldn’t use and actually did something.

It helped so much.

It took fifteen years, an additional adult severe ADHD-C diagnosis, and so much therapy, but hey!

You made it!

You’re her age now, and she’s actually kind of your favorite teacher.

[nonconstories]

I am absolutely HAUNTED by this post I saw where this entitled-ass rando was seriously complaining that none of the girls they want to bang are well-read enough for them. Like, the post went something like "UUUUHHHHHHHGGGGG its sooooooo FRUSTRATING when I meet a girl who says 'I love to read!!!' and I get SO EXCITED but like, it turns all she 'reads' is BOOKTOK TRASH like barely-concealed-fanfic rewrite TRASH like its soooooo DISAPPOINTING where are the ACTUAL READERS lol" and like

I'm dyslexic! I'm SEVERELY dyslexic! And my school wouldn't accommodate me. They told my parents that the combination of ADHD + Autism + Dyslexia was too severe and they should "lower their expectations" for me, aka "your six year old is too stupid, give up on them ever being able to read". It took MULTIPLE YEARS of VERY EXPENSIVE private tutoring and its still HARD. Its still so FUCKING HARD, and the ADHD makes it even HARDER, and BTW, I was reading graduate school level material by the time I was 12 because I worked my brain into MUSH and I FOUGHT and I TRIED and it was EXHAUSTING.

But I fucking did it, and I'm bringing that up so you ~* book lovers *~ can't dismiss me as another slack-jawed yokel drooling in front of reality TV or whatever other imagine you are choosing to use to dehumanize others. I can READ and I read VERY WELL when I have the TIME AND ENERGY. FOR MANY YEARS I HAD NO TIME AND NO ENERGY AND YOU ASSHOLES COLLECTIVELY SHAMED ME FOR IT.

"Booktok romance trash readers thinking its impressive to read eight books a year lol I read like eighty during a BAD YEAR oh my god I can't believe how dire the sitch is fam!!!"

Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Eight books a year is so fucking impressive for THE MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRY. How do you read eighty books a year, huh? HOW? Do you work a white collar job that requires zero emotional labor from you? Do you spend 40 hours a week in an air conditioned cubicle and then have a 30 minute subway ride home so you're nice and rested when you get home at precisely 7pm every night and your weekends and vacay are guaranteed? Do you make $85k a year and have a nice secure Xanax prescription to take the edge off your anxiety?

Did your parents read to you? Did your school teachers make reading fun? Did your hometown have a safe, clean, well-stocked library you could regularly access????

Or did you grow up in fucking Detroit? Or did you grow up in fucking Flint? Or did you grow up in fucking East LA? Or did you grow up in fucking Jacksonville Missouri? Or did you grow up in fucking Bucksnort Tennessee?

Maybe that girl you suddenly found less hot because of her reading choices was raised by parents who were also undereducated. Maybe she's fucking dyslexic. Maybe her school shoved her through year after year despite how hard she was struggling. Maybe the shitheads running her county budget slashed anything allotted for library maintenance. Maybe it was only open four days a week and her parents worked full time and granny couldn't drive so good anymore so she didn't have any books to read to begin with.

Or maybe she read two books a week when she was a kid, but then she grew the fuck up and had to get a job where she's on her feet eight to ten hours a day and the schedule changes every other week and its fucking LOUD and HARD and STRESSFUL and she's always getting yelled at. Maybe after all of that she's doesn't want to waste an hour and a half of her precious, vital free time trying to scrape and struggle and cry through 10 pages of whatever ~* important artistic triumph *~ you privileged brats are using as a litmus test for personhood this fucking week.

So she reads something FUN something she ENJOYS something she can ACTUALLY FINISH because AGAIN reading is HARD its EFFORT and sometimes you are too FUCKING TIRED TO READ especially when you did not have EXTRA BONUS SHIT TO HELP YOU GET INSANELY GOOD AT IT.

Disliking TV is not now, nor will it ever be a virtue, and your leftism doesn't mean shit if you can't stop being a smug, classist, ableist, dipshit. If adult literacy makes you THAT DEPRESSED, go volunteer to teach adult learners! Or bother to vote in your schoolboard elections! Or donate your old books to a book gifting program! Fucking DO SOMETHING instead of posting on tumblr about how 'booktok people' kill your boner.

[ohsunshine]

statistical character personality test. take the linked quiz from the perspective of your character, then select 5-10 results from the complete matches list that you feel resonate with your character the most.

Daniel:

Han S.olo (Sta.r W.ars): 83% he wishes lol. i may have posted this before but i just KNOW him + a went to the cinema 20 times in sw's opening week. also in one of the pics of his desk, i'm p sure he has one of those little lego stormtroopers Haymi.tch Abern.athy (The Hun.ger Ga.mes): 82% nothing to say here but [the saddest yeehaw imaginable] Natalie (Yellow.jackets): 81% [longer yeehaw] Freddie Lou.nds (Hannib.al): 78% yeah. nothing to add. Rom.an Roy (Succ.ession): 75% this one doesn't resonate AT ALL but i thought it was funny

Armand:

Kend.all Roy (Succe.ssion): 75% this is the only one that feels even close to accurate. the rest are just funny Davi.d Rose (Schi.tt's Creek): 75% LMFAO Ta.hani Al-Ja.mil (The G.ood Place): 73% i'm crying. good place au NOW San.sa S.tark (Ga.me of Thr.ones): 71% ok there's SOME similarities but like La.dy Macb.eth (Macbeth): 71% i like this one a lot actually

Hosea:

Will Turner (Pirates of the Caribbean): 88% Donna Sheridan (Mamma Mia!): 87% i'm fucking crying. mamma mia au NOW. they're both single mothers working too hard </3 Buffy Summers (BtVS): 81% ok... yeah... Elizabeth Swann (Pirates of the Caribbean): 80% get you a man who can do both

Roman Roy:

Kendall Roy (Succession): 81% ok he's gonna kill himself Tom Wambsgans (Succession): 79% he's killing himself again Jaime Lannister (Game of Thrones): 75% he wishes Shiv Roy (Succession): 70% ok where is roman on this list Jackie (Yellowjackets): 69% he would be eaten first in a plane crash Roman Roy (Succession): 66% THERE HE IS. nobody understands him like i do. i bet the profile takes him at face value. (yeah people voted him exhibitionist (96.5%), GLUTTONOUS (91.8%) that ain't my roman, according to this thing you can either be ADHD OR OCD which. terrible news for a lot of people.) Jamie Tartt (Ted Lasso): 66% these two are actually the same guy, just from vastly different socio-economic backgrounds.

Jinx:

April Ludgate (Parks and rec): 87% Powder (Arcane): 86% Natalie (Yellowjackets): 85% YEAH Haymitch Abernathy (The Hunger Games): 83% well this is starting to look a lot like Daniel's list Fleabag (Fleabag): 83% if I said yeah Arya Stark (Game of Thrones): 81% YEAH but louder

Irv

Rupert Giles (BtVS): 81% yeah. Chidi Anagonye (The Good Place): 81% YEAH. (irv looking at burt) this is the good place :) (burt retiring) this is the BAD PLACE >:( Daniel Jackson (Stargate SG1): 78% Arthur (Inception): 78% Ben Wyatt (Parks and Rec): 77%

[iamacolor]

i'm turning 27 today so I've officially left the "young people group" - bye bye youth prices, my fellow europeans will understand - and I think it's the first time that a new birthday makes me feel really adult (despite not feeling that different from last year) and getting my adhd diagnosis is definitely a reason for that. it's given me such a different outlook and approach to myself (with less shame and sense of inevitability for the things I can't do and more gentleness with myself) and it's giving me more hope for different things in the future. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I was a teenager and 27 seemed so grown-up, neither when it comes to work, money, travelling or where I live or even romantic relationships since there's still nothing on that front lol. While that could be sad I also feel very at peace and also excited to try to things.

I started medication and I'm very happy to feel that it has an effect on me (I had a weird fear that it wouldn't do anything and that it'd prove that I didn't actually have adhd and was just not doing enough even if I knew that wasn't true but it's not that easy to let go of the feeling that it's just a question of effort and will but thankfully that's been proved wrong lol) and that so far there have been no secondary issue except for a slight loss of appetite - it's only been 3 weeks and I'm still in the testing phase where I started with the lowest dose and then I increase it everyweek to see how it goes but I feel much lighter in my brain and more in control even if it doesn't last all day. I shocked myself on one of my days off where I sat down to scroll on my phone and thought oh I should actually start cleaning my room and then I just stood up and did it more thoroughly than I've ever done since I moved in lol. I've even initiated tidying up and reorganising our workshop and cleaning up the machines at work, my manager says I'm in my organising and tidying up era.

I never would've read up about adhd symptoms the different forms of adhd and how it shows up in adults if I hadn't seen a random reblog on this website, back in September I believe, about executive dysfunction that lit up something in my brain because wow there was a word for the thing I was struggling with!! So I guess this is a very long way to say that holding on to this blog for so long was worth it and thank you to everyone here for sharing so many random stuffs, it's cool to think we're all having impact on each other 💜 and this is also to say please educate yourself about the various forms of neurodivergence because I genuinely thought I knew enough about adhd to never even consider it for myself and that what I was struggling with was just a "me problem" so you or someone you know or will know might be neurodivergent in some ways and you can make your life or their lives easier by knowing how to handle it and not to stigmatise either yourself or the people around you 💜

[buckybarnesss]

on fire: a teen wolf novel chapters 1-3

on fire was published on july 17, 2012. the day after raving had aired during the show's second season.

it was written by nancy holder who has written many, many tie-in books for multiple franchises but most notably she wrote novels for the buffyverse.

by tapping nancy holder to write the novel confirms to me that mtv was trying to do what teen wolf's spiritual predecessors did and create tie-in novels with the show and on fire was testing the waters for that.

it did not succeed because teen wolf doesn't have the kind of space for that. the timeline is too tight. teen wolf was part of the new netflix binge era. it had a seasons of 12 episodes that were wall-to-wall plot. there weren't silly filler episodes and they didn't do monster of the week plots.

on fire assumes that you have seen episodes 1-5 of the show but it is also an AU of season 1 post-the tell.

i get the vibe that the author was given notes, some information or like an outline that she used to build a plot so it's interesting to see what tid-bits holder uses and refers to that still gel with canon or is consistent with what we know.

this isn't a novelization of season 1 that's for sure but, hey, i took notes.

i'm going to break the novel up into 3 chapter chunks.

so without further ado let's get into it. on fire: a teen wolf novel or as i've been thinkin of it as.

the novel starts right at the very end of the tell after the parent teacher conferences. 

the way it's described when argent shoots the mountain lion brings to mind the scene in to kill a mockingbird when atticus shoots the rabid dog. chris argent is no atticus finch but he sure does learn to walk a mile in someone else's shoes doesn't he?

i somehow always manage to forget that the tell is the episode where allison turns 17. she doesn’t live to see her 18th birthday. shot through the heart man. 

oh my fucking god scott. the way this is written i imagine holder is trying to invoke derek and kate as if there’s some wild age gap between him and allison when they're like 9 months apart in age. allison is not kate jesus chris. look at this shit:

“scott hadn’t known allison was seventeen, a year older than the other kids in their class -- older than him -- and didn’t want anyone to know.”

Fuck Rafael McCall. Meet me outside and catch these hands.

“he knew his dad wasn’t keeping up with child support payments. not that his mom had ever mentioned it.”

this is where the transition into heart monitor would be. it is a pretty terrifying dream scott has. peter’s such a dramatic bitch. scott’s dreaming of being in the woods with everything on fire and then he’s being compelled by peter to come kill with him. which just reinforces my whole thing about peter and scott being psychically connected. we don’t see this with any other alpha-beta connection to this degree. derek senses victoria killing scott in raving but we really do not get this in the show very much as it seems to be a Dark Sided power. but we do see peter use it again in season 6a with the whole “you were my beta first” scene. 

scott mentions stiles’s having ADHD so to me that means that nancy holder was definitely working with the idea that stiles does have it. stiles having ADHD seems like a plot thread that got dropped really quickly by the show but remained in dylan’s acting choices and in fandom’s mind.

scott is the only beta we see experience sleepwalking episodes. it seems tied to the compulsion and mental link he shares with feral alpha peter.

the entire paragraph is something. firstly, it wasn't until night school, the episode after this one, that peter tried to push scott into killing his “pack”. but lol melissa called stiles scott’s “litter mate” and stiles wearing his target shirt that he wore in wolf moon and the one that subtextually could reference the nemeton and eventually scott's pack symbol. i don't believe we ever actually saw that shirt again. the tragedy.

“stiles had on his bullseye t-shirt, and it kind of freaked scott out when he wore it. as if it meant that stiles were a target. They both knew the Alpha wanted Scott to kill him to cement Scott’s acceptance that he was a member of the Alpha’s pack. Who better to take down than the guy Scott’s mom had once referred to as his “litter mate”?”

this is where it's starting to get kind of weird because the plot of this book takes place during season 1 but it’s not strictly following the plot. it feels like an alternate season 1.

jackson has gone missing. when is he not missing is the more appropriate question? 

so chapter 2 starts with scott and stiles joining lydia and allison at The Popular Kids Table to discuss jackson being missing. this wouldn’t have happened in season 1. this dynamic didn’t exist until at minimum season 3. lydia didn’t even acknowledge stiles’s existence until the winter formal at the end of the season. 

jackson’s parents apparently went to paris right after the parent-teacher conference, leaving their high school age child alone for an extended period of time in the middle of the school year? what? no wonder jackson’s fucked up. why didn’t they just go around christmas and instead they waited another three weeks or some shit. that is weird.

jackson’s been left a note from a supposed private investigator about his birth parents while his parents are out of town, which is totally not sus at all. 🙄🙄 lydia's concerned about him looking stupid so she won’t go to the sheriff and she doesn’t even approach jackson’s best friend danny. like, danny would know a lot more about jackson than scott or stiles would. lydia, i know allison is the one who involved scott but for fuck’s sake. 

look even a page later lydia says “he and jackson barely know each other.” then why are you involving scott in what you seem to believe is a personal matter? 

do people just generally know jackson was adopted? i can see lydia knowing but scott and stiles? allison just fucking moved there so she doesn’t know anything about anyone. this is quite the personal piece of information i doubt he’d want others to know lydia. 

this is such an AU because after the parent-teacher conference stiles was giving scott the cold shoulder due to his dad being hurt. 

also stiles is supposedly sitting at this table the entire time lydia, allison and scott are talking and has not given his opinion on the matter yet. very unlike him. if there's one thing stiles has it's opinions on jackson and his father's job. stiles would be all over this.

this fucking line is brutal man -- “stiles was the only person on the planet who knew he had become a werewolf. well, derek knew, too, but derek hardly counted as a person.” that said, i do think it’s accurate to scott’s headspace at this point regarding derek. avoiding seeing derek as a person is a way of detaching himself from the situation he’s found himself in. 

alright so we’ve got a POV change to allison --a nd it’s all about how cute acott is. allison I love you but chill please. 

okay so this is interesting. “her mom had been angry, too. allison could tell that if had been left up to her, she wouldn’t have been so harsh about having to stay all weekend. her mom liked scott.” are we sure we’re talking about the same victoria argent? granted this is pre-werewolf reveal so as far as victoria knows allison is just mooning over a nice normal human boy but i have a hard time imagining this being the same victoria who gave us the crazy eyes and the sharpening your dick metaphor.

this still haunts me.

"except i won’t get to spend time with scott except at school until i’m, oh, 112.” oh right in the feels

this book really assumes you’ve seen episodes 1-5 of the first season. allison’s mentioning aunt kate and the necklace in a way that makes the assumption the reader knows who and what they are. 

jackson’s password for his tracking app is “captain”. that is worse than the password being lydia or like scott famously having allison as his password. y’all suck and have shitty computer security.

these kids are sophomores in high school and lydia and allison are really having a discussion about jackson going to a pay by the hour motel as if that’s a thing 15-16 year olds do in the california subburbs on a regular basis. as if jackson would lower himself in such a way to begin with. he’s snobby as fuck. it’s such a weird conversation.

i am page 20 and i feel like so far this author hasn’t been very nice to stiles. not having him say a word in the lunch conversation about jackson despite not only being very opinionated about jackson whittermore’s general existence he’d also have thoughts on a missing person. like, he didn’t even speak when his dad was brought up as a possible avenue of help which is odd. then about a page later there’s this sort of tone used around stiles that feels condescending about him being hyperactive.

this paragraph is, uh, something that could’ve only been written in 2012 because it feels gross:

“lydia shrugged. then she turned to allison. “tell you what. if the boys are willing to the motel for us ---” “to a motel. to look for a guy,” stiles said. ”maybe you should ask danny?” danny, their lacrosse team goalie, was gay, out and proud. “he could act, you know, more casual about it.”

that said, it does track with stiles being overly occupied with the perception of his sexuality and that danny does shit he’s way too young to be doing which is written around his sexuality. remember the whole older boyfriend and going to the jungle thing is season 2? 

it has been like 23 pages and allison’s got this subplot where she wants to have sex with scott. like girlie you’ve known scott for 2 days, keep your pants on. (it keeps coming up with scott too and it's annoying, okay).

it took stiles barely a paragraph to mention derek hale when the point of view switched to him. sir. 

i’m laughing at how derek’s point of view is paired with stiles in the way that scott and allison’s are. even in the non-canon book the Sterek Agenda is there. 

“a prankster with a wicked sense of humor.” is what derek refers to peter as before the fire. is that what we are calling it derek because i would disagree.

“i dreamed of other alphas coming after me. why? it’s not a crime to kill an alpha. i’m a werewolf. the way we progress in status is through challenge.” now this is an interesting perspective. werewolves progress via challenges. that's still sort of in-line with what we see in canon.

allison and scott are driving into the seedier side of town. AKA what seems to be where the poors live. scott describes seeing boarded up buildings, pawn shops and “some kind of clinic where you could sell your blood.” which I assume is a plasma center where people donate and get paid in return and this little classist shit says “remind me to never get a blood transfusion.” god he’s such a 16 year old..

i saw kate's name on the next page where chapter 4 is

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[werezmastarbucks]

being friends with barry allen headcanons (timeline)

you meet at the college

barry allen x reader (reaching)

long, with a plot, I liked this format hehe

you actually look for someone to help you with your ***problem***

and you notice this weird smart guy who's kinda sociable but doesn't really have a lot of friends

you hear he's somewhat of a physics and chemistry genius and is going for some kind of super scholarship for his master's

that's exactly what you need

he's happy to get a new friend and it's quite comfortable with him

it's obvious he's not very good with people as he can come off as awkward and obsessive at times

also he talks like a lot and sometimes it gets really overwhelming

however most of the times he says really smart or observant things and soon you find that appreciating him is easy

he's almost always in a good mood and would do anything to make you smile

he's sooo in his own world. you're amazed at how people around don't even scratch the surface on Barry

you share music

the two weird queers vibe

the happy, bubbly, adhd x the moody, approach me and i stab you vibe

Barry wonders why you don't like going out much and when you two talk about all these things you missed out on in your lives, it's apparent he's more accomplished than you, and he's just very sweetly curious about it

he listens to k-pop because it's fast, bright, energetic, like him

he LOVES texting about nothings

it's just beep beep beep all day long

sometimes he starts repeating the same thing and it gets insufferable

he's texting you random things that come to his mind

twice a month though he gets very serious; that's the only thing he doesn't like sharing

you kinda laugh at everybody when you get together

you name your alliance 'loser nerds'

you've no idea how much in common you actually have

he eats all the time and always finishes your food if you have a bigger portion than what you can eat

he's kinda self-aware, highly empathetic and reads people easily. he just doesn't click with them, or, rather, they don't want to click with him

he helps you with science tests

tried tutoring you - you're very unproductive together. you end up watching youtube and deciding to go get food every time

you reeeeaally like his smile, it's so child-like in a good way

he thinks that "like if you were a girl you would be really cute and intimidating, I mean, you are a girl, but not in that way, well, you understand what I mean yeah?"

i mean like if you were... a... and I was...

what I mean is you're very uh, like, your pHYsicAl bOdY...

you cut his torture short by saying you undertsnad he means you're pretty

he gets extremely nervous when you don't prepare for tests properly though

he's like, very focused and dedicated for a guy with such short attention span

has a new 'micro crush' every week and you discuss them, then he forgets about them

he is late everywhere, all of the time

couple of times he just forgets about your plans and you end up waiting for him at the station, or at the park, for an hour

he's a good friend though, he's got otherwise good memory, he is just easily distracted

he remembers important things you tell him, his brain is like a computer

totally judging people together, having the whole gatherings for discussing the tea

when you're bored you send him a message "requesting AI Barry" and Barry pretends to be an AI and messages you a bunch of physics and astronomy facts. he is really good at mimicking AI

he wouldn't pass the Turing test lol

longingly looking at your lunch

he's suspiciously strong and lean for a nerd who just exists in the college, at a coffeeshop and at home, and eats every time you lay your eyes on him

he gets very, very sad sometimes

it takes him a long time to open up about his family

he's surprisingly non-awkward and non-needy when he talks about his father. it feels like the goal of his life is to prove him innocent, and he doesn't even care what you think about it, in a good way

"I'll do it one day"

he generally comes through with his promises, if he doesn't forget

as a friend, he's most appreciative of your intelligence and wit, because he gets bored easily

he may be a bit harsh when talking about people sometimes. like when he starts whining that a line is long

he's very self-sufficient AND clingy at the same time

he looks like a person with a secret, but you can't figure out what it is

huge hugs and awkward supportive taps on the back or the stomach. he doesn't seem to know that you can touch a girl in a friendly way and not make it weird.

he calls you “moody brollerina” referring to your usual unsociable disposition. you call him “science boy”

having a secret code language consisting of shortened versions of slang words

no idea where you'd use it as nobody really gives a shit about you two

after months and months of bonding, you open up to him about the reason you approached him in the first place

you tell him that at eight years old you had had an accident after which you got the most horrible ability one could imagine

at thirteen years old you made your dad vanish during a fight. your father always hated you, your family was extremely dysfunctional; still, it's not a reason to make your own old man disappear together with a kitchen stool, right?

you discovered you had this terrifying ability to make things, and people, vanish. at first, for several years, you 'vanished' nine other people. those were only the people who scared you; the phenomenon seemed to be triggered by extreme fright and discomfort

you lived your whole life trying to come up with some explanation, you were terrified even just to live. because you had no idea where this power came from and what moment it would manifest itself again. every day you spent in terror that some banal occurrence will trigger you and you'll vanish innocent people

Barry is excited, preoccupied, astonished at what he is hearing. you do the confession in the lab, because that's the place you can most frequently find him at

you expect disappointment because, being honest, you specify that you decided to become friends with him in hopes that he'll be intelligent enough to crack this puzzle

Barry only hears "I can make people disappear"

it's a bit scary but, more importantly, "completely balooney and amazing" for him; he sees something in it immediately

but before he gets to the point, his face lights up and he says,

"you know it's funny that you chose me specifically, because..."

he tells you that he also has superabilities and demonstrates it

you stare at each other in the moment of mutual amazement

you're now the 'super loser nerds'. you can't believe you managed to find each other AND both be... super?

you don't consider yourself super, but Barry thinks otherwise

he doesn't really grasp the whole scale of the unending torture this gift brought to you; he just sees sci-fi come true

he immediately assumes you're somehow able to create black holes and control the process of closing them

he gets to work; ideas swarm his head; he gets hyperfixated on it

it's incredible to see that he thinks no less of you; even though you told him everything you've done and how some of those people you vanished, were really bad, and you actually wished them to disappear

you hadn't vanished anyone in ten years though.

now, as you even so much as shared this secret with someone, the iron grip on your mind is loosened just a little bit. it didn't hurt that Barry did not push you away but offered an alternative view

as he's building the device that may possibly help track the process, he says,

you're not just a medical miracle; you're a cosmic paradox

in the middle of building the device, he slaps himself on his face and says

goddamn I'm slow. pun intended. I can actually watch you do it, right? I can observe at superspeed

you're afraid that the experiment, should it be conducted, can go terribly wrong. you had never done it intentionally. you hadn't done it in ten years. no witnesses were ever present. it's unprecedented, awfully dangerous, impossible in your mind

for weeks Barry is forced to beg you; after all, you came to him for answers, and that would be impossible without action. so, you finally agree it's only logical

as you prepare for the experiment, you think about how Barry is the first friend you've had in years. and how the last thing you want to do now is utilize the curse of a power that's been given to you, in any vicinity of him.

you look at how he is putting on his heavy dark red costume he'd built himself and how he is actually even cooler than you thought all this time. he's actually helping people, and he is building his own equipment. he's not some forsaken freak with this demonic, haunting burden. you remember you actually read some quiet rumors on obscure websites about his existence

you don't want him standing in the room while you do this; Barry wants to step really close to the cup you're about to vanish. you argue for an hour before he finally convinces you. he begs you to trust his abilities, showering you with all these physics terms and expressions you don't understand

maybe it's fate? he asks. that we should meet and I will be the one who can actually help you

he clearly doesn't get how deep this sinkhole is; how absolutely chthonic and cosmically scary it is, when you make something vanish. without a sound, or explosions, it just suddenly disappears, never to return again

finally you agree on ten steps. you put the cup on the desk, and Barry gets to superspeed. you see blue electrical flashes engulf him

for the first time in ten years, you do it, and it's easy, like breathing. the cup disappears, and Barry is seemingly still standing on the same spot, only, now his eyes are huge

his best theory is, you do create a macro black hole. the object gets condensed so badly that its atoms begin to dissolve, but for a normal human eye it's too quick. but at his superspeed, he did see it. the cup dissipating in the air while the space around it was warping.

he looks like it's the happiest day of his life, like he's about to cry

he holds your hands, ignoring the trauma this experiment has awoken in you, but you let it slide, because he says that you, and only you, might be the answer to every question in the world. you can operate matter.

this is not about you anymore. this is about the universe

he gets to work again

he builds these multiple devices that are supposed to track the object up until the moment it vanishes through the hole. it shows the characteristic spike of radiation strictly in the spot where the vanishing occurs

single-handedly Barry turns your understanding of what you are, upside down. he says a lot of things he doesn't deem too important, but you listen to his words

he calls you quantum miracle, cosmic phenomenon, the answer to all, the space-time fairy. no one has ever called you that

at the worst days, you debate the moral complications of your power. he is trying to imagine what it's like to not technically kill people but... erasing them

he tells you about one event that weighs on him

when he was 18, right after he got his powers, he still hadn't got the whole scoop of what they really are. he wanted to protect a lady who was being assaulted, and pushed the guy while on superspeed.

the guy, he said, exploded, banging against the building, like a meat bag.

you're trying to imagine Barry the summer child, eighteen years old, looking at what he's done, and realize it must have been very heavy

he looks at you like you're special, not like you're this volatile creature that should be locked away

you bond way stronger than before

you now keep each other's secret and protect each other more

him being Barry, he goes overboard a little

once he scares off a guy from your faculty who's been annoying you

it annoys you instead, you feel like Barry is too close, takes too much upon himself, is trying to control you

you continue testing, experimenting. the device works only as long; the moment the object disappears, the tracking is useless as its atoms get broken down into smaller particles

Barry feels, as he watches the recorded process in electromagnetic spectrum, that this is the most important breakthrough of all time

it adds him a lot of points that he never begs you to reveal your power to the world; to go to the big scientists, or on TV, or start 'saving people together'. he is happy having this huge thing all to himself. there's a lot to unpack and research anyway, before any kind of consistent conclusion can be achieved.

one spring day, as you sit at home, Barry calls you, which is unusual. he's a texting guy

he whispers "So I am here with the Batman..."

he asks if you want to go somewhere and meet someone, some robots, and team, and some apocalypse thing - it's very confusing because Barry is mumbling and stuttering

he is gathering a team of people like you and me! you finally manage to get something coherent out of him

but you're not like him

Barry is fast, he's smart, he can utilize his gift to help people

you can only harm them

he promises to message you asap and the next day, the news start getting out, about some planetary cataclysms.

in a couple of days, you start getting messages from him

in a week, he's at your door

he says that there are others like you and him, you notice how he presses on the 'you and him', like you're similar, but you know, and he knows, that he is only saying it not to exclude you. even optimistic Barry understands that you're not like Aquaman, Wonder Woman or the Cyborg, or even slightly radioactive Superman

you are very proud of your friend. soon, it's the summer of graduation, and now you're both free. you spend days searching for a job and living in this new world, where Barry is on a team of superheroes, and you also have your shred of hope

your new life has begun when he proved that a) you can control it, b) it's not solely apocalyptic, it's also universal

you have fallen for him the moment he offered you his last piece of chewing gum, which happened a month after you became friends

actually

you get really drunk closer to autumn. you do, Barry can't. he just hangs out with you the whole night and has no problem having fun anyway. he watches you get drunk, drags you across the street to a karaoke, where you two sing "dumb ways to die" and become local stars

he brings you to his place in the morning just to be sure you're okay

he hasn't seen anyone in his bed for... ever. he's a nerd, he doesn't get to date.

to make you comfortable, he takes off your shoes, your hoodie (very carefully), and unbuttones your jeans

when you wake up, you're touched by his adorable care

Barry always tells you about the Team, all the time, and you listen to these stories like a child

you watch him mature in front of you

but you still dissect the Justice League and discuss each member; they all get their nicknames and memes associated with them

you both call Wonder Woman the Crush. no explanation needed

Superman is Captain Blue Pyjamas

you come up with the Flash, remembering how electricty flows around when Barry is moving at the superspeed. he is ecstatic at this name

at this point, the physical aspect between you two is still surprisingly awkward. you're not very accustomed to touch while Barry craves it; as a result you do a lot of hugs that are too long, touches that are in all the wrong places, and uneasy, comical, supporting pat-pats.

the only time Barry acts extremely confidently and on point is when he is the Flash. his the Flash persona is just on another level of precision. that's probably because superspeed is more natural to him than human speed.

when he is still hot from the run, he is actually... sexy?

he has a habit of giving you very long looks while he's thinking.

when you ask what he's staring at he says the view of you helps him concentrate

you get sad because you feel like when you look at him, you see super-Barry, your peer, your friend, a pretty guy, a fighter, a geek

but when he looks at you, he sees the quantum miracle, and that's why you inspire him

after a year he's still going on about your power, and black holes, and multiverse travel

he also still makes you laugh and forgets about plans, and then apologizes with huge amounts of food

you feel like the Justice League knows about you, but you're never approached by anybody; you suspect Barry protects you very well, and you're grateful for that

but you inevitably start feeling more and more distant from him. Justice League, his job, the thoughts about his father take so much time that he's constantly running somewhere

you, in comparison, with your part-time job, feel like you do nothing at all

to lift your spirits, he'd give you a pat on the back and say, 'super loser nerds for life!'

but you're not his only friend anymore. he is now friends with Victor, and Superman seems really cool, and the Batman seems to help him out a lot. he meets new people at work, and, as he's more confident now, makes new friends

he's still your only friend because you have an adamant habit of staying away from people

the little weird happy bubble of loser nerds has burst

for the first time in your life, you want to be normal and participate, but unfortunately now Barry doesn't have too much time for it

he is trying, because he still is passionately your friend

you meet in free hours, at the coffeeshops, for an occasional walk almost at night; it doesn't hurt that he can run through the whole city in seconds

you still talk about space, and matter, and movies, and food, and your ex college peers, but now it's more like old people's mumbling because both of you have changed

these conversations are warmer, quieter, Barry acts mature more often, and also touches your hand more

he's still the happy energetic boy

at some point you understand your two worlds drift away from each other very slowly

he feels your sadness more and more often and, in his Barry manner, tries to drill your head through with questions

inevitably, there's a catastrophe next to you sooner or later. in the world where superheroes exist, their presence attracts supervillains and disasters. Barry actually has done some research about the statistics of causes-consequences when he wanted to get a rest from exams.

you ride to the Gotham City on your day off to see the Superman installation.

you like it very much for some reason; it's the open space, the quiet luxury of skyscrapers around, the green park, or the installation itself.

this is the exact day when something decides to crash about ten buildings in the centre of the city

you always dread situations like this because you don't know what to expect from yourself

you'd lived in this eggshell, safe and isolated, for ten years, Barry excluded, and always your worst nightmare was getting in the middle of some big collision

you panic, you rush here and there, the screams and the vibration of the ground, the thundering sound makes you lose your mind

you try calling Barry but he doesn't pick up

not until it's too late

you try to think quickly; if you run, you're a coward; if you try to vanish the damage, people might disappear and die; if you vanish everyone, you'll be a monster

so you freeze

you see three figures hovering above in the sky; looking scary. they look like the evil Justice League: a woman with long hair, resembling a witch; a strong man; and someone little, like Barry

maybe it's time to die, you think. you feel very alone

he calls back and it sounds like he's running. Barry is shouting, begging you to tell him you're not in Gotham

you're stunned he remembers your plans

in seconds, he's next to you, and the shockwave of him stopping actually knocks you off your feet

falling, you're still looking at the insidious figures in the sky, and you get so frightened, that they disappear

Barry panickes as well, he's very good at it, but he's thinking

I'm gonna zap you, okay? I have to zap you and carry you away, you can't vanish all those people

you agree; he gives you a zap of electricity; and finally you're at peace, at least for some time

when you wake up, Gotham City is quiet. You lay in the soft comfort of someone's car.

the Justice League is there and they're finishing with the rescue

regardless of the destruction and the ruins of ten massive buildings, they seem pretty happy

Barry is fucking exhausted, he's chewing something and looks half dead, and still, he's happy to see you

when you emerge and look for them, he runs at you, introducing you to the others. You see Batman, which seems unreal, the Crush is also there, and Captain Blue Pyjamas. Barry's new best friend Cyborg, and hairy, angry Aquaman.

Barry puts his arm around your shoulders, so driven to the edge and tired that he barely understands what is happening

this is my... my... Y/N

you feel his hand squeeze your shoulder like he's about to faint.

he whispers super loser nerds

you look at how the others observe you; some with curiosity, others, with amazement. Diana the Crush is smiling softly

why are they looking at me like that Barry?

because you got rid of half of the Injustice League, brollerina

is that one of our funny nicknames? Injustice League?

unfortunately, it's not

[tiikerikani]

Enough is enough

I've been in an insomnia death spiral for a while, and it is REALLY BAD right now. I sometimes say that I wish days were 28 hours long so I can fit everything in, but at the moment I'm thinking I need 32-hour days, if not longer. My brain is flat-out nope-ing out of work and it is even more exhausting trying to goad myself into doing it.

It was Senpai's birthday a couple of weekends ago, and while I'd already delivered my greeting (and a small pencil sketch) to him at the book launch, I also wanted to do something meaningful for the occasion, and I think that he would have been 100% behind me doing this:

I dug out the post-it note on which the one psychiatrist at the beginning of the panini, who had actually listened to me (see footnote 4), gave me the name of a place that does neuropsychological testing in English, and I emailed them. So I'll be having a consultation with one of their clinicians next week to get that process started.

Back then I'd balked at the price (and it was quite out of my budget at the time, almost a months' rent), and it still is a LOT of money (with the various followups and formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist and so on it will definitely be more than that especially when I don't have the health insurance that Old Job had provided), but I am in a bit better situation financially now.

I wrote "actually listened to me" in paragraph 3 because every other psychiatrist I talked to since then had been incredibly dismissive of my experiences. It's especially frustrating when you pour yourself out to them, about how so many of your eccentricities and the traumas of your childhood suddenly make sense when considered in light of what we now know about (inattentive) ADHD, and they tell you to your face that no, you don't have it, go take a nap. One doctor at least gave me an official referral to psychotherapy but I didn't use it because 1) you're on your own to find a therapist (good luck, lol), 2) you have to pay for most of it anyway, and 3) it's not going to be effective if it doesn't address the root cause(s) behind that trauma.

On further reflection, I now realize that these "death spirals" were not ordinary burnouts (if that can even be a thing) but specifically ADHD burnouts, so it's even more imperative that I get to the truth at the bottom of this. It can very well be that I'm too damn tired for tests to properly show my baseline, but structured cognitive/behavioral/whatever tests will have some kind of rubric and maybe even quantitative measurements so it will be less about how they feel about what I tell them about myself but what the scores say about it.

But what's more, I now have copies of the figurative receipts. When I was visiting my parents last year I made scans of all my old report cards and other school records (that Mom meticulously organized and kept). Not every single page but those with grades or teacher/parent comments on. I don't really have any interest in reading through them myself. Some of the criticisms areas for improvement my teachers had for me are still etched in my mind 30 years later, because I couldn't "fix" them then (and not for lack of trying) nor really understand why I should (be like normal people), and still can't and don't. I will not enumerate them here.

_________

TL;DR:

I don't care what it costs (a lot) but I am (finally) getting my damn brain tested for ADHD because I can't manage it on my own anymore while pretending to the world (and the world trying to tell me) that my problems have nothing to do with it.

[deficd]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

respond to the prompts out of character!

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have? oh man. uh. i guess, following my url's general meaning, i choose to write muses on here that have defied their fates/expectations in some shape or form. this is true for more of my older muses on here, as i've definitely added some recently where i have to kinda twist that a bit. aside from that, i really just write muses that i can connect with on some level. my apparent calling is sad men who are prone to violence and are also incredibly sad/lonely. the mains i have floating in my head are usually there because it's the current media i'm consuming (i.e. star wars: the old republic). i could write long metas on why i adore all of my muses though. c':

is there anything you don’t like to write? uhh, you know. i'm actually pretty open to most things. i need some sort of action going on, regardless of the type, to keep interested i suppose. like, if there's a lot of conversation, i tend to get stuck. that's just because i struggle with it and i don't want to bore my partner, though. aside from that, pretty much any genre you throw at me, i'll be interested in writing.

is there anything you really enjoy writing? I'm a sucker for redemption au's, even if it takes thirty threads to get there. i enjoy writing the aftermath of a character's worst arc, and all of the guilt, pain, and sorrow that comes with it. so do i want to write arcann's redemption? yes. do i want to write about nihilus somehow healing from being a literal wound in the force? yes. (or even, writing who he was before malachor.) ragnar going back to being a farmer? please. all of it, yes. aside from that, i really, really enjoy hurt/comfort, violent/gore threads, general sci-fi adventure, and general fantasy adventure (the campfires, the fights, the enemies in between destinations, etc.)

how do you come up with headcanons?  it's kind of a mix between being inspired by outside sources, such as media, music, mututals, and things that pop into my head after hyperfixating about a muse for three straight hours or something. i do adopt headcanons/partial headcanons from other people, but like sparingly and if it's appropriate/i know them/have asked. most of the time i really just get hit in the face with them though.

do you write in silence or do you play music? i am someone that requires music to write. i need to drown out distractions however i can. i really struggle with being easily distracted (getting tested for adhd soon lol) because i can very easily lose a thought before i'm able to write it down. i find that with music i can focus better, and i have playlists that help with whatever mood i'm going for in the reply.

do you plan your replies or wing them? i usually just sort of write what comes to mind first and then, if i have questions about something, i'll either approach the other mun or write things in the tags. sort of referring to the previous question, i try to write my ideas down as soon as i see a reply, or i'll be prone to forgetting them.

do you enjoy shipping? yes, 1000% yes. i love all sorts of relationships, not only the romantic ones. i don't really get to write about platonic/friendships too often, but i really enjoy the times i can. that said, re: romantic ships, i'm usually on board if there's chemistry between muses. i also encourage other muns to approach me if they think they might want to ship because chances are, i'm already on board.

what’s your alias/name?  Lee

age?  old

birthday?  December 25th

favorite color?  silver, purple, black

favorite song?  i... don't think i can choose? there are all sorts of songs that hit me in the right way. i can tell you a song i'm listening to on repeat right now is The Wind Weeps Eleanor by American Murder Song.

last movie you watched?  Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse, but I hope to go see Dune 2 this week.

last show you watched?  just started Shōgun and it's wonderful.

last song you listened to?  Dwamn by Tech N9ne 🫣 

favorite food?  fry bread! or a step further: navajo tacos.

favorite season?  winter

do you have a tumblr best friend? um i think i'm close to a few people on here, but the only one i know i can tag for sure is @vuulpecula starbuck has put up with my nonsense on here for years and somehow still talks to me lmfao we have the greatest and the worst ships and honestly i am always always always excited to write with her❤️❤️❤️

and idk if i should tag u because this is an rp meme and this is one of my rp blogs but @oolathurman is my other bestie and i've known and adored them for literal years so. yeah sflkjdslf❤️❤️❤️

TAGGED BY @valorums thank you<3

TAGGING @vuulpecula @riiese @hcxcd @fasciinating @juramentum @mistrdctr / @respondedinkind @auroradicit @red-white-and-trauma @blue-eyed-banshee @helreginn @astridnorddottir @brittlefcrged and YOU!