#doing an adhd test this week actually lol

[heartstringsduet]

Hi there! If you don't mind me coming to TK's defense in the fight, and specifically the issue of how he seemed so harsh. And I agree that there's a bit of an assumption on TK's part thatCarlos would support his decision. So from what I saw TK didn't really get mad until Carlos brought up his father and the search for his killer. And I think also a better way to approach him doing that would have been to try and reason with him that he has to be able to see an end to things that might not be him catching the killer, most people do because they aren't cops. But I can see how TK has already been here for a year and a half with Carlos. And he has been supportive, he only asked for therapy when it started affecting their marriage and even then he didn't ask Carlos to give up the case. So now he's the one in crisis (not the same of course) and he's looking for that support and its not there. Instead Carlos seems to be insisting TK live with him in that grief of Gabriel's death until he's ready to move on, the "and it always will be" line, and that's not fair either. Sadly crisis rarely line up so that one person has fully processed everything when the next one hits. And for TK's POV it looks like Carlos is willing to let his little brother, a living person, be shipped off to be raised an ocean away, in the name of Carlos getting closure on a dead person, the whole future versus the past thing. And I could see why this would set him off so strongly. I don't think he's ignoring this painful subject in Carlos's life, he hasn't for the past year and a half, but he is saying in this instance he has his own needs and he's putting them first. This is just me imagining TK's POV, I don't think that's what Carlos was saying really but maybe he didn't think what he said through to the end very well. Does that make sense??

Also I totally agree with you on the Wyatt and "doing right by Julio" nonsense. I really hate when this show goes all out on the copaganda to justify questionable behavior. And if it wasn't for the specific "make things right" line used I might be able to see what Carlos did in a more favorable light. But Wyatt didn't do anything wrong, he actually did a really amazing job under pressure, and he shouldn't be made to feel this is something he owes the cops, or Julio, or anyone. I do know the show tends to do this and its why I always have to brace for episodes like this. And yeah, killing a bunch of people shouldn't be viewed as "making things right", I don't care who they are.

Hi <3 This is gonna be an ESSAY. I apologize in advance. Whoever has time to read all this...wow 😂 First of all, I don't mind anyone writing me with an opinion as long as it isn't racist/queerphobic/etc. So all good. I think it's super fair to want to talk about an issue and I will reply whenever I have the bandwidth 💕 Also, as someone who's not a native English speaker, I will not try to nail you down on word choices. But I think if you meant it literally, coming to 'Tk's defense' at least with me isn't necessary at all. My criticisms toward him or Carlos are never an attack on them and having a different opinion or coming at something from another angle is just that. No defense necessary. If that makes sense??? I hope that doesn't come off as condescending I'm just hoping that the implication of people criticising or stating opinions is taken less and less as an attack in general. Because fandom often falls in such a binary. Good vs. Bad. And I don't prescribe to that in life or fiction. All of this to say, I think you make really valid points for why TK feels that way. I agree to certain extends. TK for sure has had to struggle with watching his husband be consumed with work and his father's death. And even if Gabriel had died of natural courses, it is TOUGH supporting a partner. It surely was tough for Carlos to support TK in season 3. And that is a struggle you are willing to take when you love someone but it takes a toll nonetheless. BUT: narratively, what Lone Star gave us was this: therapy - resolution through a compromise with the box - Carlos helping with the barn - gigantic birthday party Carlos seemed to have organized or at least was heavily involved in and present for and THEEEEN - TK not communicating well. In real life, issues like that are so messy and take forever to be resolved. Ngl, I've been hurt about some things a lot less severe for yearrrs. And I go to therapy too lol. But Lone Star's short season and pacing and cramming all of this in one now leads to this narrative to feel so jumbles because we as viewers can guess that the issue wasn't resolved for TK. How could it be?

But to give us two episodes of only seeing them happy and united again and then have TK not talk about adopting Jonah with Carlos first? THAT for me is the issue. Not TK being snappy and being upset when Carlos brings up Gabriel. Despite not seeing the on-screen struggle of it continue, that still made sense to me. I don't see that to be the reason why TK sprung the Jonah thing on Carlos like that. And he DID spring it on Carlos. That is human and again, don't mind him not finding the perfect words. But S4 established Carlos as someone who said he might not want kids. That's where we left things off. Jonah challenges that. That is super fair. I honestly have a case like that in my family I won't go into details for, but when I was 20, I was very briefly considering taking care of a toddler despite the circumstances being very very bad. It resolved in another way, but still, I have an idea what it's like to have family crisis and beign forced into making that tough decision. TK is so valid in wanting to take care of Jonah. And not thinking through logistics like Carlos would have. He is a very heart-first person. I was still surprised why they made the dialogue as it is because TK gives NO room for Carlos to weigh in. Yes, it could be clear to TK that he won't allow his brother to be raised by an institution and Carlos would likely agree. But to not even consider asking Carlos if he is okay with it? To take that agency from him? I don't think that's right and maybe we will disagree on that. It's a HUMAN BEING. And Jonah would deserve better than to have one of the men raising him not be in it 100%. That's the reason I don't want kids. I don't think it's fair t be wishy-washy about a child. "and he's looking for that support and its not there. Instead Carlos seems to be insisting TK live with him in that grief of Gabriel's death until he's ready to move on, the "and it always will be" line, and that's not fair either." -I don't think Carlos is insisting anything. I think the scene was too brief even to get into what Carlos wants more than it showed us what Carlos FEARS. He fears he wouldn't be able to raise a kid right now. And I think that has only partially to do with Gabriel's murder. Again, even in s4 he doesn't think he's ready. Give that man a minute to come to terms with maybe having to adopt, or lose TK. That's what it boils down to. Being in a crisis, dealing with trauma, and your life changing basically forever. You can logically support TK 100% but you can't deny how someone saying: "Hi babe we'll be dads now" isn't going to make you panic. Hell, someone dropping a dog in front of my door would make me panic. A full on child. AH. And TK didn't go about asking for support. He demanded it. He didn't allow another path. And Carlos in turn said: I don't know if I can cross that line for my own needs and sanity. Controversial opinion but even the best relationship would not make me cross certain boundaries and I don't think that should be the norm. TK said he accepted Carlos not wanting to be a father. The circumstances are so out of norm that he now brings it back up and has to be insistent. I just wish he would acknowledge that this is not something Carlos can do easily. I texted Mar that TK starting the dialogue off differently would have changed the entire thing for me. Like something similar to. ""I'm looking at adoption lawyers because Enzo wants to send him to a boarding school and I don't think I can watch that happen."" - Shows that TK is struggling with that himself at least. Still disregarding what Carlos would say but it leaves the door open just a little more to show a conflict and Carlos might have not felt as bulldozed. Others would surely write it even better. This is already so fucking long .... Feel like I would all get this out a lot better if I wrote a fic about it ngl. I'm so sorry if this is jumbled and messy. I promise you I take your words in good faith.

[orcelito]

Remembering that a 4 hour psychological test means 4 hours under the examiner's microscope. I hope they let me listen to music during a written test, but idk if that would defeat the purpose or not. I... really don't know what to expect tomorrow, and it's kind of making me a bit nervous. Lol.

[mugiwara--ya]

oh btw guess who just got

✨ Medicated ✨

[straykats]

.

[danieyells]

Rui mizuki’s lines from Tokyo debunker if you haven’t yet PLEASE I will love you for all eternity

They’re edging me with the rui crumbs every chapter I can’t take it anymore

One flirty reaper coming right up!! And by right up i mean almost a week after you asked hhahaha

BUT YEAH WE DO GET A LITTLE OF HIM HERE AND THERE i wonder why he pops up so much. Especially for someone who allegedly tries not to be around other people much due to his deadly touch? Kinda sus--

also this is the first time i've posted all of someone's lines! not that i don't always end up posting 95% of them anyway, but for some reason some of Rui's were ordered weird(they're normally not entirely in order but they're usually sectioned properly, but for some reason one of his affinity chats was way in the wrong place) and I ended up closely paying attention to which one i was looking at and before i knew it i posted all of them lmao. . . .

Hello: (the first time the game is opened after that character is set as home screen NPC. Only happens once per day, unless the character is switched out and back.)

"{PC}, hey! Here's to another day vibing our way through curse twin life!"

You've Got Mail: (whenever there's something in the inbox, usually Arena rewards)

"Huh? Did you know you've got unread messages? Oh, that's why you've been leaving me on delivered! Ahaha!"

no that's just because my adhd makes me hyperfocus on things and it refuses to allow me to attempt to allot attention or energy to things it deems me not having enough attention span or energy or time for and i'm sorry--

Default: (requires no affinity, has no time constraints)

"Aw c'mon Ed, again? Why does he always leave his socks on the floor... It's actually exhausting picking up after him all the time..."

lazy sloppy vampire lol

"You look kind of tired {PC}, you doing okay? Why don't you stop by the bar later? I can be your shoulder to cry on."

"Hey! You on break now? If you're super nice and you're gonna come chill with me now, put your hands up!"

"{PC}...were you just checking me out? Hey, it's all good, don't be embarrassed!"

"Oof, Ed popped out of nowhere so I accidentally touched him and he died again. Now I have to carry him all the way back to the dorm..."

i love the face he makes when he says this lmao like he is so tired of Ed's carelessness!

Affinity 1: (between 5am and 11am)

"{PC}! Did you come here to see me first thing? No way! You just made my day!"

Affinity 2: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Aw c'mon, Ed, what are you doing sleeping out here? Didn't you just take a nap, old man? You're gonna catch a cold!"

Affinity 3: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Oh hey, it's {PC}! Can't believe I ran into you here, so random! Guess we've gotta go on a date now, huh? It's like, written in the stars!"

i love flirty characters like rui lolol just. there's always More Going On there. and Rui starts off with More right off the bat.

Affinity 4: (between 8pm and 5am)

"I can touch the plants as long as I have gloves on! I mean yeah, I'm pretty sure the same goes for people, but don't you think it'd be scary to test it out?"

Affinity 5: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Come swing by the bar later! I'd rather watch a pretty face like yours while I work instead of a bunch of drunk guys."

Affinity 6: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"What? Ed was praising my good looks? I mean he's right, right? People always tell me my face is my only redeeming feature!"

but rui works so hard!? who's saying that!!

Affinity 7: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh sorry, I don't do the whole class thing! You go, I'm all good here!"

Affinity 8: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ouch! Aw man, that rose thorn just scratched my arm... Wait, nooo! My rose bushes are wilting!!"

it's so easy for him to accidentally kill anything lmaoooo

Affinity 9: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Are you out here by yourself, {PC}? Isn't that like not super dangerous? ...Wait, did that make sense? Whatever, let me walk you back!"

Affinity 10: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Sorry! A drunk customer broke a glass, so I'm cleaning it up! Everyone's a little pent-up lately, I guess."

Affinity 11: (between 5am and 11am)

"Watering plants in the AM is such a mood lift, right? Whoa, everything's blooming like crazy out here! Better get my pruning shears."

it's a testament to how well he takes care of these plants that they grow super well in permanently-night Obscuary, i think. 8'D

Affinity 12: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Huh? Look, you've got loose threads on your uniform. Give it to me, I'll fix it for you!"

Affinity 13: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Hey, {PC}, did you eat yet? My door's always open! You can just stay the night after!"

damn already inviting you to stay over at affinity 13--just don't share the bed, you'll wake up super dead

Affinity 14: (between 5am and 11am)

"(yawn) Wow, I am dead tired... but I've gotta take a shower, make breakfast, and do the laundry before those two sleepyheads get up."

it takes a real man to be a single mother. . . .

Affinity 15: (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh hey, what's your poison? Wait, I mean, morning! Man, I tried to take my friend's drink order when we were hanging out yesterday too, occupational hazard I guess."

Affinity 16: (between 11am and 4pm)

"A mission? I'm good, thanks though! Oh hey, you should invite Lyca! He'd totally be into that!"

Lyca also probably needs them to pass the grade lol

Affinity 17: (between 10pm and midnight)

"No way, look at the time! Wish I could keep listening to you talk... Wanna stay over?"

Affinity 18: (between 8pm and 5am)

"Oh man, I'm sorry! I'm closing early, I've got plans with a friend tonight. It'd be awesome if you could come by tomorrow!"

Affinity 19: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Congrats on making it through another day, {PC}! I seriously admire you for working so hard. You're not doing this all for me, are you?"

Affinity 20: (between 5am and 11am)

"Morning! Whoa, you wanna help me with the housework, {PC}? It's all good, thanks though! The thought's more than enough for me."

c'mon, refusing help at affinity 20? let the pc be your little helper at least!

Affinity 21: (between 11am and 4pm)

"Obscuary looks like it'd be full of downers, but it's actually pretty lively in there, right? Not gonna lie, I def prefer it that way."

Affinity 22: (between 4pm and 8pm)

"Lyca's an open book, but the flip side is he says the darndest things... I feel like watching him is bad for my heart..."

he talks so much about his teammates, he really is such a mom. . . .

Affinity 23: (between 8pm and 5am)

"My eyes are red? Huh, that's weird... Oh yeah, I was cutting onions just now when I was preparing the appetizers for the bar!"

. . .idk this is pretty high affinity. . .you were crying about something weren't you rui. . .or romeo paid you in weed and you were getting tweaked up in the back of the bar

Affinity 24: (between 10pm and midnight)

"Oh, don't worry about me, I always sleep late! I'm down to chat till you drift off to dreamland."

Affinity 25(max): (no time constraints)

"Sometimes I wish I could've met you as a regular guy. I guess you wouldn't have given me the time of day if I had though, ahaha."

is it just me or. . .does it feel like he gets a little more distant as his affinity gets higher? like after affinity 17 it feels like he gets a little less flirty and a little more at arms length. . .like he knows his feelings are getting so strong that he might not be able to resist touching you, but he's too scared to do it even with the gloves on. . .so he tries to keep you a little further away. . .and then he admits it, he wishes he could be with you like a normal person, but if he were just some flirt in the street none of this would have ever happened. Poor Rui, he's cursed to be beloved but unable to give love how he wants in return.

Spring: (March-May) (between 5am and 11am)

"Oh man, so nice... The weather's like perfect this time of year, right? Wish we could just chill like this forever."

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Man, you wouldn't even know it was spring with how bleak it is in Obscuary! Aren't there any cuter anomalous plants out there?"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"I feel like Ed's getting more senile every day... Maybe I should confiscate his tablet."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"So, what do you think of my spring-inspired cocktail? Almost as cute as you, right? I'm gonna add it to the menu!"

Summer: (June-August) (between 5am and 11am)

"C'mon! It's summer, how can the sun never rise in Obscuary!? I wanna get a tan!"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"It's not summer if you don't hit the beach! I used to go all the time back when I surfed. And then I'd pick up girls on my way home... Just kidding, I promise!"

why 'just kidding' lolol you're not together! this relationship is not monogamous even if you were!

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Ta-da! I've got sparklers! Fireworks are fun and all, but there's something special about holding a light that only sparkles for a hot moment."

(between 8pm and 5am)

"It's so hot out, I bet the bar's gonna be a ghost town... Guess I'll send Harurin and Romi a PR message!"

reaching out to the local population of alcoholic ghouls to remind them to give him business lol

Autumn: (September-November) (between 5am and 11am)

"There's so many dead leaves this time of year, it's a nightmare keeping on top of them! But you can use them to make a fire and roast stuff. Gotta look on the brights!"

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Hey {PC}, when are you free? I have a date idea for us—a romantic walk to admire the fall leaves! I'll pack us a lunch!"

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Oh damn! You look so cute all bundled up like that, {PC}! We've gotta take a selfie together!"

direct contrast to romeo who sees you in winterwear and calls you a fat slug kekw

(between 8pm and 5am)

"That piano anomaly makes the soundtrack for the bar! The song picks really tug at the heartstrings, right?"

Winter: (December-February) (between 5am and 11am)

"You're a little late today, huh? If you can't get up in the cold, I could be your alarm!"

just gotta be really loud since he'd be too afraid to touch you awake, since he actually wants you to y'know wake up--

(between 11am and 4pm)

"Oh man, how is Lyca so full of energy when it's this cold? You should take him to Frostheim and see if he runs around in the snow like a puppy."

rui pointing at lyca: that dog is my son please take care of him

(between 4pm and 8pm)

"Nothing like winter to make you miss the warmth of human touch... Oh, I'm good! Just getting to talk like this is all I need!"

BBY WE ARE ALL BUNDLED UP. YOU CAN HUG YOU'VE BOTH PROBABLY GOT ON AT LEAST TWO LAYERS JUST DON'T TOUCH FACES.

(between 8pm and 5am)

"Here, this Rui-original hot cocktail will warm you up! I'll blow on it for you, free of charge!"

is this the next step after gamer bathwater. host club host breath.

His birthday: (March 14th)

"Yeah, it's my birthday today! Oh damn, you're gonna celebrate it with me!? No way, I'm like, super touched right now!!"

Your birthday:

"{PC}... Happy birthday!! C'mon, birthday girl, sit down and chill out! This is your day, you should take it easy!"

New Years: (January 1st)

"Happy New Year! Want to start the year off on a high and come on a shrine date with me?"

Valentine's Day: (February 14th)

"Oh damn, are these for me? My heart! Is this your way of professing your love to me? Do I have a shot here?"

White Day: (March 14th)

"Ta-da! Happy White Day! This is for you! What's inside? You've gotta open it and find out!"

April Fool's Day: (April 1st)

"Guess what!? I finally broke my curse! Let's hold hands... just kidding! April Fools!"

this feels more like a joke on him than on you. . .a mean one at that lol

Halloween: (October 31st)

"Happy happy happy Halloween!! Trick or treat! Obviously I'm picking trick, ahaha!"

Christmas: (December 25th)

"Merry Christmas, {PC}! Oh man, I must be like, super blessed to get to spend it with you!"

Idle: (about 20 seconds without interacting with the game) (below 13 affinity)

"Hey, hey, hey! We finally get to spend some time together, it's illegal to take your eyes off me!"

(13 affinity and above)

"{PC}? You seem kind of busy, guess I'll take this chance to get some work done…"

Absent: (logging in for the first time in 2 or more days?)

"{PC}, you're back! I was worried you'd forgotten about me!!"

he's so flirty and clingy, but also he can't be clingy because he's scared you'll die if he touches you, even if he's wearing gloves. . .also surely your curse would cancel out his? Then again I'm sure a reaper i stronger than any other [living] anomaly out there. . . .

but. yeah. rui's a darling haha he just. he's another one of the 'i just wanna be a regular person, i wanna go back to normal' characters whose desire to just be a guy makes him special in a more fantastical world. i'm really looking forward to seeing the Obscuary chapter--probably like a month away, right? 'u'

[nonconstories]

I am absolutely HAUNTED by this post I saw where this entitled-ass rando was seriously complaining that none of the girls they want to bang are well-read enough for them. Like, the post went something like "UUUUHHHHHHHGGGGG its sooooooo FRUSTRATING when I meet a girl who says 'I love to read!!!' and I get SO EXCITED but like, it turns all she 'reads' is BOOKTOK TRASH like barely-concealed-fanfic rewrite TRASH like its soooooo DISAPPOINTING where are the ACTUAL READERS lol" and like

I'm dyslexic! I'm SEVERELY dyslexic! And my school wouldn't accommodate me. They told my parents that the combination of ADHD + Autism + Dyslexia was too severe and they should "lower their expectations" for me, aka "your six year old is too stupid, give up on them ever being able to read". It took MULTIPLE YEARS of VERY EXPENSIVE private tutoring and its still HARD. Its still so FUCKING HARD, and the ADHD makes it even HARDER, and BTW, I was reading graduate school level material by the time I was 12 because I worked my brain into MUSH and I FOUGHT and I TRIED and it was EXHAUSTING.

But I fucking did it, and I'm bringing that up so you ~* book lovers *~ can't dismiss me as another slack-jawed yokel drooling in front of reality TV or whatever other imagine you are choosing to use to dehumanize others. I can READ and I read VERY WELL when I have the TIME AND ENERGY. FOR MANY YEARS I HAD NO TIME AND NO ENERGY AND YOU ASSHOLES COLLECTIVELY SHAMED ME FOR IT.

"Booktok romance trash readers thinking its impressive to read eight books a year lol I read like eighty during a BAD YEAR oh my god I can't believe how dire the sitch is fam!!!"

Fuck you fuck you fuck you.

Eight books a year is so fucking impressive for THE MAJORITY OF THE COUNTRY. How do you read eighty books a year, huh? HOW? Do you work a white collar job that requires zero emotional labor from you? Do you spend 40 hours a week in an air conditioned cubicle and then have a 30 minute subway ride home so you're nice and rested when you get home at precisely 7pm every night and your weekends and vacay are guaranteed? Do you make $85k a year and have a nice secure Xanax prescription to take the edge off your anxiety?

Did your parents read to you? Did your school teachers make reading fun? Did your hometown have a safe, clean, well-stocked library you could regularly access????

Or did you grow up in fucking Detroit? Or did you grow up in fucking Flint? Or did you grow up in fucking East LA? Or did you grow up in fucking Jacksonville Missouri? Or did you grow up in fucking Bucksnort Tennessee?

Maybe that girl you suddenly found less hot because of her reading choices was raised by parents who were also undereducated. Maybe she's fucking dyslexic. Maybe her school shoved her through year after year despite how hard she was struggling. Maybe the shitheads running her county budget slashed anything allotted for library maintenance. Maybe it was only open four days a week and her parents worked full time and granny couldn't drive so good anymore so she didn't have any books to read to begin with.

Or maybe she read two books a week when she was a kid, but then she grew the fuck up and had to get a job where she's on her feet eight to ten hours a day and the schedule changes every other week and its fucking LOUD and HARD and STRESSFUL and she's always getting yelled at. Maybe after all of that she's doesn't want to waste an hour and a half of her precious, vital free time trying to scrape and struggle and cry through 10 pages of whatever ~* important artistic triumph *~ you privileged brats are using as a litmus test for personhood this fucking week.

So she reads something FUN something she ENJOYS something she can ACTUALLY FINISH because AGAIN reading is HARD its EFFORT and sometimes you are too FUCKING TIRED TO READ especially when you did not have EXTRA BONUS SHIT TO HELP YOU GET INSANELY GOOD AT IT.

Disliking TV is not now, nor will it ever be a virtue, and your leftism doesn't mean shit if you can't stop being a smug, classist, ableist, dipshit. If adult literacy makes you THAT DEPRESSED, go volunteer to teach adult learners! Or bother to vote in your schoolboard elections! Or donate your old books to a book gifting program! Fucking DO SOMETHING instead of posting on tumblr about how 'booktok people' kill your boner.

[iamacolor]

i'm turning 27 today so I've officially left the "young people group" - bye bye youth prices, my fellow europeans will understand - and I think it's the first time that a new birthday makes me feel really adult (despite not feeling that different from last year) and getting my adhd diagnosis is definitely a reason for that. it's given me such a different outlook and approach to myself (with less shame and sense of inevitability for the things I can't do and more gentleness with myself) and it's giving me more hope for different things in the future. I'm not where I thought I'd be when I was a teenager and 27 seemed so grown-up, neither when it comes to work, money, travelling or where I live or even romantic relationships since there's still nothing on that front lol. While that could be sad I also feel very at peace and also excited to try to things.

I started medication and I'm very happy to feel that it has an effect on me (I had a weird fear that it wouldn't do anything and that it'd prove that I didn't actually have adhd and was just not doing enough even if I knew that wasn't true but it's not that easy to let go of the feeling that it's just a question of effort and will but thankfully that's been proved wrong lol) and that so far there have been no secondary issue except for a slight loss of appetite - it's only been 3 weeks and I'm still in the testing phase where I started with the lowest dose and then I increase it everyweek to see how it goes but I feel much lighter in my brain and more in control even if it doesn't last all day. I shocked myself on one of my days off where I sat down to scroll on my phone and thought oh I should actually start cleaning my room and then I just stood up and did it more thoroughly than I've ever done since I moved in lol. I've even initiated tidying up and reorganising our workshop and cleaning up the machines at work, my manager says I'm in my organising and tidying up era.

I never would've read up about adhd symptoms the different forms of adhd and how it shows up in adults if I hadn't seen a random reblog on this website, back in September I believe, about executive dysfunction that lit up something in my brain because wow there was a word for the thing I was struggling with!! So I guess this is a very long way to say that holding on to this blog for so long was worth it and thank you to everyone here for sharing so many random stuffs, it's cool to think we're all having impact on each other 💜 and this is also to say please educate yourself about the various forms of neurodivergence because I genuinely thought I knew enough about adhd to never even consider it for myself and that what I was struggling with was just a "me problem" so you or someone you know or will know might be neurodivergent in some ways and you can make your life or their lives easier by knowing how to handle it and not to stigmatise either yourself or the people around you 💜

[buckybarnesss]

on fire: a teen wolf novel chapters 1-3

on fire was published on july 17, 2012. the day after raving had aired during the show's second season.

it was written by nancy holder who has written many, many tie-in books for multiple franchises but most notably she wrote novels for the buffyverse.

by tapping nancy holder to write the novel confirms to me that mtv was trying to do what teen wolf's spiritual predecessors did and create tie-in novels with the show and on fire was testing the waters for that.

it did not succeed because teen wolf doesn't have the kind of space for that. the timeline is too tight. teen wolf was part of the new netflix binge era. it had a seasons of 12 episodes that were wall-to-wall plot. there weren't silly filler episodes and they didn't do monster of the week plots.

on fire assumes that you have seen episodes 1-5 of the show but it is also an AU of season 1 post-the tell.

i get the vibe that the author was given notes, some information or like an outline that she used to build a plot so it's interesting to see what tid-bits holder uses and refers to that still gel with canon or is consistent with what we know.

this isn't a novelization of season 1 that's for sure but, hey, i took notes.

i'm going to break the novel up into 3 chapter chunks.

so without further ado let's get into it. on fire: a teen wolf novel or as i've been thinkin of it as.

the novel starts right at the very end of the tell after the parent teacher conferences. 

the way it's described when argent shoots the mountain lion brings to mind the scene in to kill a mockingbird when atticus shoots the rabid dog. chris argent is no atticus finch but he sure does learn to walk a mile in someone else's shoes doesn't he?

i somehow always manage to forget that the tell is the episode where allison turns 17. she doesn’t live to see her 18th birthday. shot through the heart man. 

oh my fucking god scott. the way this is written i imagine holder is trying to invoke derek and kate as if there’s some wild age gap between him and allison when they're like 9 months apart in age. allison is not kate jesus chris. look at this shit:

“scott hadn’t known allison was seventeen, a year older than the other kids in their class -- older than him -- and didn’t want anyone to know.”

Fuck Rafael McCall. Meet me outside and catch these hands.

“he knew his dad wasn’t keeping up with child support payments. not that his mom had ever mentioned it.”

this is where the transition into heart monitor would be. it is a pretty terrifying dream scott has. peter’s such a dramatic bitch. scott’s dreaming of being in the woods with everything on fire and then he’s being compelled by peter to come kill with him. which just reinforces my whole thing about peter and scott being psychically connected. we don’t see this with any other alpha-beta connection to this degree. derek senses victoria killing scott in raving but we really do not get this in the show very much as it seems to be a Dark Sided power. but we do see peter use it again in season 6a with the whole “you were my beta first” scene. 

scott mentions stiles’s having ADHD so to me that means that nancy holder was definitely working with the idea that stiles does have it. stiles having ADHD seems like a plot thread that got dropped really quickly by the show but remained in dylan’s acting choices and in fandom’s mind.

scott is the only beta we see experience sleepwalking episodes. it seems tied to the compulsion and mental link he shares with feral alpha peter.

the entire paragraph is something. firstly, it wasn't until night school, the episode after this one, that peter tried to push scott into killing his “pack”. but lol melissa called stiles scott’s “litter mate” and stiles wearing his target shirt that he wore in wolf moon and the one that subtextually could reference the nemeton and eventually scott's pack symbol. i don't believe we ever actually saw that shirt again. the tragedy.

“stiles had on his bullseye t-shirt, and it kind of freaked scott out when he wore it. as if it meant that stiles were a target. They both knew the Alpha wanted Scott to kill him to cement Scott’s acceptance that he was a member of the Alpha’s pack. Who better to take down than the guy Scott’s mom had once referred to as his “litter mate”?”

this is where it's starting to get kind of weird because the plot of this book takes place during season 1 but it’s not strictly following the plot. it feels like an alternate season 1.

jackson has gone missing. when is he not missing is the more appropriate question? 

so chapter 2 starts with scott and stiles joining lydia and allison at The Popular Kids Table to discuss jackson being missing. this wouldn’t have happened in season 1. this dynamic didn’t exist until at minimum season 3. lydia didn’t even acknowledge stiles’s existence until the winter formal at the end of the season. 

jackson’s parents apparently went to paris right after the parent-teacher conference, leaving their high school age child alone for an extended period of time in the middle of the school year? what? no wonder jackson’s fucked up. why didn’t they just go around christmas and instead they waited another three weeks or some shit. that is weird.

jackson’s been left a note from a supposed private investigator about his birth parents while his parents are out of town, which is totally not sus at all. 🙄🙄 lydia's concerned about him looking stupid so she won’t go to the sheriff and she doesn’t even approach jackson’s best friend danny. like, danny would know a lot more about jackson than scott or stiles would. lydia, i know allison is the one who involved scott but for fuck’s sake. 

look even a page later lydia says “he and jackson barely know each other.” then why are you involving scott in what you seem to believe is a personal matter? 

do people just generally know jackson was adopted? i can see lydia knowing but scott and stiles? allison just fucking moved there so she doesn’t know anything about anyone. this is quite the personal piece of information i doubt he’d want others to know lydia. 

this is such an AU because after the parent-teacher conference stiles was giving scott the cold shoulder due to his dad being hurt. 

also stiles is supposedly sitting at this table the entire time lydia, allison and scott are talking and has not given his opinion on the matter yet. very unlike him. if there's one thing stiles has it's opinions on jackson and his father's job. stiles would be all over this.

this fucking line is brutal man -- “stiles was the only person on the planet who knew he had become a werewolf. well, derek knew, too, but derek hardly counted as a person.” that said, i do think it’s accurate to scott’s headspace at this point regarding derek. avoiding seeing derek as a person is a way of detaching himself from the situation he’s found himself in. 

alright so we’ve got a POV change to allison --a nd it’s all about how cute acott is. allison I love you but chill please. 

okay so this is interesting. “her mom had been angry, too. allison could tell that if had been left up to her, she wouldn’t have been so harsh about having to stay all weekend. her mom liked scott.” are we sure we’re talking about the same victoria argent? granted this is pre-werewolf reveal so as far as victoria knows allison is just mooning over a nice normal human boy but i have a hard time imagining this being the same victoria who gave us the crazy eyes and the sharpening your dick metaphor.

this still haunts me.

"except i won’t get to spend time with scott except at school until i’m, oh, 112.” oh right in the feels

this book really assumes you’ve seen episodes 1-5 of the first season. allison’s mentioning aunt kate and the necklace in a way that makes the assumption the reader knows who and what they are. 

jackson’s password for his tracking app is “captain”. that is worse than the password being lydia or like scott famously having allison as his password. y’all suck and have shitty computer security.

these kids are sophomores in high school and lydia and allison are really having a discussion about jackson going to a pay by the hour motel as if that’s a thing 15-16 year olds do in the california subburbs on a regular basis. as if jackson would lower himself in such a way to begin with. he’s snobby as fuck. it’s such a weird conversation.

i am page 20 and i feel like so far this author hasn’t been very nice to stiles. not having him say a word in the lunch conversation about jackson despite not only being very opinionated about jackson whittermore’s general existence he’d also have thoughts on a missing person. like, he didn’t even speak when his dad was brought up as a possible avenue of help which is odd. then about a page later there’s this sort of tone used around stiles that feels condescending about him being hyperactive.

this paragraph is, uh, something that could’ve only been written in 2012 because it feels gross:

“lydia shrugged. then she turned to allison. “tell you what. if the boys are willing to the motel for us ---” “to a motel. to look for a guy,” stiles said. ”maybe you should ask danny?” danny, their lacrosse team goalie, was gay, out and proud. “he could act, you know, more casual about it.”

that said, it does track with stiles being overly occupied with the perception of his sexuality and that danny does shit he’s way too young to be doing which is written around his sexuality. remember the whole older boyfriend and going to the jungle thing is season 2? 

it has been like 23 pages and allison’s got this subplot where she wants to have sex with scott. like girlie you’ve known scott for 2 days, keep your pants on. (it keeps coming up with scott too and it's annoying, okay).

it took stiles barely a paragraph to mention derek hale when the point of view switched to him. sir. 

i’m laughing at how derek’s point of view is paired with stiles in the way that scott and allison’s are. even in the non-canon book the Sterek Agenda is there. 

“a prankster with a wicked sense of humor.” is what derek refers to peter as before the fire. is that what we are calling it derek because i would disagree.

“i dreamed of other alphas coming after me. why? it’s not a crime to kill an alpha. i’m a werewolf. the way we progress in status is through challenge.” now this is an interesting perspective. werewolves progress via challenges. that's still sort of in-line with what we see in canon.

allison and scott are driving into the seedier side of town. AKA what seems to be where the poors live. scott describes seeing boarded up buildings, pawn shops and “some kind of clinic where you could sell your blood.” which I assume is a plasma center where people donate and get paid in return and this little classist shit says “remind me to never get a blood transfusion.” god he’s such a 16 year old..

i saw kate's name on the next page where chapter 4 is

[hismercytomyjustice]

Today’s therapy session went a little like this…

Therapist: You have to feel and acknowledge your feelings.

Me: no, 💖

But in all seriousness… Yet again found myself being like “Yay, the OCD spirals have been almost nonexistent lately!”

Only to, in the middle of talking to her about something, realize “…oh shit, my drive for perfectionism is another OCD spiral isn’t it..?”

My Therapist: ദ്ദി(˵ •̀ ᴗ - ˵ ) ✧

GODDAMMIT.

But I also found out last week (when I finally saw a psychiatrist at my therapist and doctor’s behest) that the typical dose for OCD of my current meds is 2-3x higher than what I’ve been on for the past like two years. Apparently that dose was more suited to “generalized anxiety” and not, in fact, for “OCD brain ghosts.”

So that’s getting bumped up. And my Adderall is probably going to get bumped up too. It hasn’t been doing much for me for a while now and I’m on a really low dose for it.

The psychiatrist also said we need to figure out whether or not I have autism because that’s going to greatly impact what she prescribes. Basically she wants to help me rather than medicate my brain into submission lol. Which I def appreciate!

I also met with the autism specialist my therapist recommended (whaaaat having OCD means you’re more likely to have autism???) who kept asking me things and was just giving me very “uh huh” looks the whole time accompanied by “Yes, that’s an autistic trait. That too. And that.”

But like, she’s asking me questions to sort out stuff like special interests and I’m just like what qualifies as a special interest and not a hyperfixation or a normal amount of interest? What is a normal amount of interest?

Same with questions like “are you a picky eater.” Like, what does that mean? By whose standards? What is the scale we’re working with here?

It does not help that a good chunk of my family and friends bare minimum at least have ADHD. Because I’m sitting there comparing myself to them and I’m pretty sure it’s a bit of a “Spiders Georg” situation.

Like…what is a normal amount of research when it comes to things you’re interested in? Because I don’t know everything about Mount Everest. But for like a month or so there, I was trying to learn everything I could about it. Wouldn’t that be a hyperfixation then? But I only eased up because I wasn’t coming across much in the way of new info, so IDK.

Same for like…what is considered a normal amount of liking a particular piece of media? Doesn’t everyone have stuff they enjoy and want to learn more about? And like…there are plenty of people who know more about POTO than I do. Not among my immediate friends and family, but I’ve seen them out on the internet. I know they exist.

What’s an ADHD level of sensory issues vs an autism level? And what’s an OCD level of liking things to be the same way vs an autism level? (╯°□°）╯

She can’t give me a formal diagnosis, as she does more like…autistic life coaching, but she did say she has someone she recommends for full blown testing if I want to get a second opinion, so that’s something I can consider.

It would just be the bee’s knees if my OCD didn’t keep sending me into spirals over this. I have had multiple qualified people tell me I probably have it now, and the ONE person who I got an actual assessment from (who never met me because she was just the assessor’s supervisor) is the only one who’s like “eh, not enough.”

Which just keeps sending me in “it’s not autism, it’s just the perfect combo of OCD and ADHD to make people think you have autism” loops.

God it’s so fucking annoying being in my brain sometimes.

Most times.

All the time.

But hopefully over the next few weeks I can get a solid answer on that front one way or another so I can stop ruminating on it. Whaaat reassurance seeking behavior??? In this economy?!

[werezmastarbucks]

being friends with barry allen headcanons (timeline)

you meet at the college

barry allen x reader (reaching)

long, with a plot, I liked this format hehe

you actually look for someone to help you with your ***problem***

and you notice this weird smart guy who's kinda sociable but doesn't really have a lot of friends

you hear he's somewhat of a physics and chemistry genius and is going for some kind of super scholarship for his master's

that's exactly what you need

he's happy to get a new friend and it's quite comfortable with him

it's obvious he's not very good with people as he can come off as awkward and obsessive at times

also he talks like a lot and sometimes it gets really overwhelming

however most of the times he says really smart or observant things and soon you find that appreciating him is easy

he's almost always in a good mood and would do anything to make you smile

he's sooo in his own world. you're amazed at how people around don't even scratch the surface on Barry

you share music

the two weird queers vibe

the happy, bubbly, adhd x the moody, approach me and i stab you vibe

Barry wonders why you don't like going out much and when you two talk about all these things you missed out on in your lives, it's apparent he's more accomplished than you, and he's just very sweetly curious about it

he listens to k-pop because it's fast, bright, energetic, like him

he LOVES texting about nothings

it's just beep beep beep all day long

sometimes he starts repeating the same thing and it gets insufferable

he's texting you random things that come to his mind

twice a month though he gets very serious; that's the only thing he doesn't like sharing

you kinda laugh at everybody when you get together

you name your alliance 'loser nerds'

you've no idea how much in common you actually have

he eats all the time and always finishes your food if you have a bigger portion than what you can eat

he's kinda self-aware, highly empathetic and reads people easily. he just doesn't click with them, or, rather, they don't want to click with him

he helps you with science tests

tried tutoring you - you're very unproductive together. you end up watching youtube and deciding to go get food every time

you reeeeaally like his smile, it's so child-like in a good way

he thinks that "like if you were a girl you would be really cute and intimidating, I mean, you are a girl, but not in that way, well, you understand what I mean yeah?"

i mean like if you were... a... and I was...

what I mean is you're very uh, like, your pHYsicAl bOdY...

you cut his torture short by saying you undertsnad he means you're pretty

he gets extremely nervous when you don't prepare for tests properly though

he's like, very focused and dedicated for a guy with such short attention span

has a new 'micro crush' every week and you discuss them, then he forgets about them

he is late everywhere, all of the time

couple of times he just forgets about your plans and you end up waiting for him at the station, or at the park, for an hour

he's a good friend though, he's got otherwise good memory, he is just easily distracted

he remembers important things you tell him, his brain is like a computer

totally judging people together, having the whole gatherings for discussing the tea

when you're bored you send him a message "requesting AI Barry" and Barry pretends to be an AI and messages you a bunch of physics and astronomy facts. he is really good at mimicking AI

he wouldn't pass the Turing test lol

longingly looking at your lunch

he's suspiciously strong and lean for a nerd who just exists in the college, at a coffeeshop and at home, and eats every time you lay your eyes on him

he gets very, very sad sometimes

it takes him a long time to open up about his family

he's surprisingly non-awkward and non-needy when he talks about his father. it feels like the goal of his life is to prove him innocent, and he doesn't even care what you think about it, in a good way

"I'll do it one day"

he generally comes through with his promises, if he doesn't forget

as a friend, he's most appreciative of your intelligence and wit, because he gets bored easily

he may be a bit harsh when talking about people sometimes. like when he starts whining that a line is long

he's very self-sufficient AND clingy at the same time

he looks like a person with a secret, but you can't figure out what it is

huge hugs and awkward supportive taps on the back or the stomach. he doesn't seem to know that you can touch a girl in a friendly way and not make it weird.

he calls you “moody brollerina” referring to your usual unsociable disposition. you call him “science boy”

having a secret code language consisting of shortened versions of slang words

no idea where you'd use it as nobody really gives a shit about you two

after months and months of bonding, you open up to him about the reason you approached him in the first place

you tell him that at eight years old you had had an accident after which you got the most horrible ability one could imagine

at thirteen years old you made your dad vanish during a fight. your father always hated you, your family was extremely dysfunctional; still, it's not a reason to make your own old man disappear together with a kitchen stool, right?

you discovered you had this terrifying ability to make things, and people, vanish. at first, for several years, you 'vanished' nine other people. those were only the people who scared you; the phenomenon seemed to be triggered by extreme fright and discomfort

you lived your whole life trying to come up with some explanation, you were terrified even just to live. because you had no idea where this power came from and what moment it would manifest itself again. every day you spent in terror that some banal occurrence will trigger you and you'll vanish innocent people

Barry is excited, preoccupied, astonished at what he is hearing. you do the confession in the lab, because that's the place you can most frequently find him at

you expect disappointment because, being honest, you specify that you decided to become friends with him in hopes that he'll be intelligent enough to crack this puzzle

Barry only hears "I can make people disappear"

it's a bit scary but, more importantly, "completely balooney and amazing" for him; he sees something in it immediately

but before he gets to the point, his face lights up and he says,

"you know it's funny that you chose me specifically, because..."

he tells you that he also has superabilities and demonstrates it

you stare at each other in the moment of mutual amazement

you're now the 'super loser nerds'. you can't believe you managed to find each other AND both be... super?

you don't consider yourself super, but Barry thinks otherwise

he doesn't really grasp the whole scale of the unending torture this gift brought to you; he just sees sci-fi come true

he immediately assumes you're somehow able to create black holes and control the process of closing them

he gets to work; ideas swarm his head; he gets hyperfixated on it

it's incredible to see that he thinks no less of you; even though you told him everything you've done and how some of those people you vanished, were really bad, and you actually wished them to disappear

you hadn't vanished anyone in ten years though.

now, as you even so much as shared this secret with someone, the iron grip on your mind is loosened just a little bit. it didn't hurt that Barry did not push you away but offered an alternative view

as he's building the device that may possibly help track the process, he says,

you're not just a medical miracle; you're a cosmic paradox

in the middle of building the device, he slaps himself on his face and says

goddamn I'm slow. pun intended. I can actually watch you do it, right? I can observe at superspeed

you're afraid that the experiment, should it be conducted, can go terribly wrong. you had never done it intentionally. you hadn't done it in ten years. no witnesses were ever present. it's unprecedented, awfully dangerous, impossible in your mind

for weeks Barry is forced to beg you; after all, you came to him for answers, and that would be impossible without action. so, you finally agree it's only logical

as you prepare for the experiment, you think about how Barry is the first friend you've had in years. and how the last thing you want to do now is utilize the curse of a power that's been given to you, in any vicinity of him.

you look at how he is putting on his heavy dark red costume he'd built himself and how he is actually even cooler than you thought all this time. he's actually helping people, and he is building his own equipment. he's not some forsaken freak with this demonic, haunting burden. you remember you actually read some quiet rumors on obscure websites about his existence

you don't want him standing in the room while you do this; Barry wants to step really close to the cup you're about to vanish. you argue for an hour before he finally convinces you. he begs you to trust his abilities, showering you with all these physics terms and expressions you don't understand

maybe it's fate? he asks. that we should meet and I will be the one who can actually help you

he clearly doesn't get how deep this sinkhole is; how absolutely chthonic and cosmically scary it is, when you make something vanish. without a sound, or explosions, it just suddenly disappears, never to return again

finally you agree on ten steps. you put the cup on the desk, and Barry gets to superspeed. you see blue electrical flashes engulf him

for the first time in ten years, you do it, and it's easy, like breathing. the cup disappears, and Barry is seemingly still standing on the same spot, only, now his eyes are huge

his best theory is, you do create a macro black hole. the object gets condensed so badly that its atoms begin to dissolve, but for a normal human eye it's too quick. but at his superspeed, he did see it. the cup dissipating in the air while the space around it was warping.

he looks like it's the happiest day of his life, like he's about to cry

he holds your hands, ignoring the trauma this experiment has awoken in you, but you let it slide, because he says that you, and only you, might be the answer to every question in the world. you can operate matter.

this is not about you anymore. this is about the universe

he gets to work again

he builds these multiple devices that are supposed to track the object up until the moment it vanishes through the hole. it shows the characteristic spike of radiation strictly in the spot where the vanishing occurs

single-handedly Barry turns your understanding of what you are, upside down. he says a lot of things he doesn't deem too important, but you listen to his words

he calls you quantum miracle, cosmic phenomenon, the answer to all, the space-time fairy. no one has ever called you that

at the worst days, you debate the moral complications of your power. he is trying to imagine what it's like to not technically kill people but... erasing them

he tells you about one event that weighs on him

when he was 18, right after he got his powers, he still hadn't got the whole scoop of what they really are. he wanted to protect a lady who was being assaulted, and pushed the guy while on superspeed.

the guy, he said, exploded, banging against the building, like a meat bag.

you're trying to imagine Barry the summer child, eighteen years old, looking at what he's done, and realize it must have been very heavy

he looks at you like you're special, not like you're this volatile creature that should be locked away

you bond way stronger than before

you now keep each other's secret and protect each other more

him being Barry, he goes overboard a little

once he scares off a guy from your faculty who's been annoying you

it annoys you instead, you feel like Barry is too close, takes too much upon himself, is trying to control you

you continue testing, experimenting. the device works only as long; the moment the object disappears, the tracking is useless as its atoms get broken down into smaller particles

Barry feels, as he watches the recorded process in electromagnetic spectrum, that this is the most important breakthrough of all time

it adds him a lot of points that he never begs you to reveal your power to the world; to go to the big scientists, or on TV, or start 'saving people together'. he is happy having this huge thing all to himself. there's a lot to unpack and research anyway, before any kind of consistent conclusion can be achieved.

one spring day, as you sit at home, Barry calls you, which is unusual. he's a texting guy

he whispers "So I am here with the Batman..."

he asks if you want to go somewhere and meet someone, some robots, and team, and some apocalypse thing - it's very confusing because Barry is mumbling and stuttering

he is gathering a team of people like you and me! you finally manage to get something coherent out of him

but you're not like him

Barry is fast, he's smart, he can utilize his gift to help people

you can only harm them

he promises to message you asap and the next day, the news start getting out, about some planetary cataclysms.

in a couple of days, you start getting messages from him

in a week, he's at your door

he says that there are others like you and him, you notice how he presses on the 'you and him', like you're similar, but you know, and he knows, that he is only saying it not to exclude you. even optimistic Barry understands that you're not like Aquaman, Wonder Woman or the Cyborg, or even slightly radioactive Superman

you are very proud of your friend. soon, it's the summer of graduation, and now you're both free. you spend days searching for a job and living in this new world, where Barry is on a team of superheroes, and you also have your shred of hope

your new life has begun when he proved that a) you can control it, b) it's not solely apocalyptic, it's also universal

you have fallen for him the moment he offered you his last piece of chewing gum, which happened a month after you became friends

actually

you get really drunk closer to autumn. you do, Barry can't. he just hangs out with you the whole night and has no problem having fun anyway. he watches you get drunk, drags you across the street to a karaoke, where you two sing "dumb ways to die" and become local stars

he brings you to his place in the morning just to be sure you're okay

he hasn't seen anyone in his bed for... ever. he's a nerd, he doesn't get to date.

to make you comfortable, he takes off your shoes, your hoodie (very carefully), and unbuttones your jeans

when you wake up, you're touched by his adorable care

Barry always tells you about the Team, all the time, and you listen to these stories like a child

you watch him mature in front of you

but you still dissect the Justice League and discuss each member; they all get their nicknames and memes associated with them

you both call Wonder Woman the Crush. no explanation needed

Superman is Captain Blue Pyjamas

you come up with the Flash, remembering how electricty flows around when Barry is moving at the superspeed. he is ecstatic at this name

at this point, the physical aspect between you two is still surprisingly awkward. you're not very accustomed to touch while Barry craves it; as a result you do a lot of hugs that are too long, touches that are in all the wrong places, and uneasy, comical, supporting pat-pats.

the only time Barry acts extremely confidently and on point is when he is the Flash. his the Flash persona is just on another level of precision. that's probably because superspeed is more natural to him than human speed.

when he is still hot from the run, he is actually... sexy?

he has a habit of giving you very long looks while he's thinking.

when you ask what he's staring at he says the view of you helps him concentrate

you get sad because you feel like when you look at him, you see super-Barry, your peer, your friend, a pretty guy, a fighter, a geek

but when he looks at you, he sees the quantum miracle, and that's why you inspire him

after a year he's still going on about your power, and black holes, and multiverse travel

he also still makes you laugh and forgets about plans, and then apologizes with huge amounts of food

you feel like the Justice League knows about you, but you're never approached by anybody; you suspect Barry protects you very well, and you're grateful for that

but you inevitably start feeling more and more distant from him. Justice League, his job, the thoughts about his father take so much time that he's constantly running somewhere

you, in comparison, with your part-time job, feel like you do nothing at all

to lift your spirits, he'd give you a pat on the back and say, 'super loser nerds for life!'

but you're not his only friend anymore. he is now friends with Victor, and Superman seems really cool, and the Batman seems to help him out a lot. he meets new people at work, and, as he's more confident now, makes new friends

he's still your only friend because you have an adamant habit of staying away from people

the little weird happy bubble of loser nerds has burst

for the first time in your life, you want to be normal and participate, but unfortunately now Barry doesn't have too much time for it

he is trying, because he still is passionately your friend

you meet in free hours, at the coffeeshops, for an occasional walk almost at night; it doesn't hurt that he can run through the whole city in seconds

you still talk about space, and matter, and movies, and food, and your ex college peers, but now it's more like old people's mumbling because both of you have changed

these conversations are warmer, quieter, Barry acts mature more often, and also touches your hand more

he's still the happy energetic boy

at some point you understand your two worlds drift away from each other very slowly

he feels your sadness more and more often and, in his Barry manner, tries to drill your head through with questions

inevitably, there's a catastrophe next to you sooner or later. in the world where superheroes exist, their presence attracts supervillains and disasters. Barry actually has done some research about the statistics of causes-consequences when he wanted to get a rest from exams.

you ride to the Gotham City on your day off to see the Superman installation.

you like it very much for some reason; it's the open space, the quiet luxury of skyscrapers around, the green park, or the installation itself.

this is the exact day when something decides to crash about ten buildings in the centre of the city

you always dread situations like this because you don't know what to expect from yourself

you'd lived in this eggshell, safe and isolated, for ten years, Barry excluded, and always your worst nightmare was getting in the middle of some big collision

you panic, you rush here and there, the screams and the vibration of the ground, the thundering sound makes you lose your mind

you try calling Barry but he doesn't pick up

not until it's too late

you try to think quickly; if you run, you're a coward; if you try to vanish the damage, people might disappear and die; if you vanish everyone, you'll be a monster

so you freeze

you see three figures hovering above in the sky; looking scary. they look like the evil Justice League: a woman with long hair, resembling a witch; a strong man; and someone little, like Barry

maybe it's time to die, you think. you feel very alone

he calls back and it sounds like he's running. Barry is shouting, begging you to tell him you're not in Gotham

you're stunned he remembers your plans

in seconds, he's next to you, and the shockwave of him stopping actually knocks you off your feet

falling, you're still looking at the insidious figures in the sky, and you get so frightened, that they disappear

Barry panickes as well, he's very good at it, but he's thinking

I'm gonna zap you, okay? I have to zap you and carry you away, you can't vanish all those people

you agree; he gives you a zap of electricity; and finally you're at peace, at least for some time

when you wake up, Gotham City is quiet. You lay in the soft comfort of someone's car.

the Justice League is there and they're finishing with the rescue

regardless of the destruction and the ruins of ten massive buildings, they seem pretty happy

Barry is fucking exhausted, he's chewing something and looks half dead, and still, he's happy to see you

when you emerge and look for them, he runs at you, introducing you to the others. You see Batman, which seems unreal, the Crush is also there, and Captain Blue Pyjamas. Barry's new best friend Cyborg, and hairy, angry Aquaman.

Barry puts his arm around your shoulders, so driven to the edge and tired that he barely understands what is happening

this is my... my... Y/N

you feel his hand squeeze your shoulder like he's about to faint.

he whispers super loser nerds

you look at how the others observe you; some with curiosity, others, with amazement. Diana the Crush is smiling softly

why are they looking at me like that Barry?

because you got rid of half of the Injustice League, brollerina

is that one of our funny nicknames? Injustice League?

unfortunately, it's not

[tiikerikani]

Enough is enough

I've been in an insomnia death spiral for a while, and it is REALLY BAD right now. I sometimes say that I wish days were 28 hours long so I can fit everything in, but at the moment I'm thinking I need 32-hour days, if not longer. My brain is flat-out nope-ing out of work and it is even more exhausting trying to goad myself into doing it.

It was Senpai's birthday a couple of weekends ago, and while I'd already delivered my greeting (and a small pencil sketch) to him at the book launch, I also wanted to do something meaningful for the occasion, and I think that he would have been 100% behind me doing this:

I dug out the post-it note on which the one psychiatrist at the beginning of the panini, who had actually listened to me (see footnote 4), gave me the name of a place that does neuropsychological testing in English, and I emailed them. So I'll be having a consultation with one of their clinicians next week to get that process started.

Back then I'd balked at the price (and it was quite out of my budget at the time, almost a months' rent), and it still is a LOT of money (with the various followups and formal diagnosis from a psychiatrist and so on it will definitely be more than that especially when I don't have the health insurance that Old Job had provided), but I am in a bit better situation financially now.

I wrote "actually listened to me" in paragraph 3 because every other psychiatrist I talked to since then had been incredibly dismissive of my experiences. It's especially frustrating when you pour yourself out to them, about how so many of your eccentricities and the traumas of your childhood suddenly make sense when considered in light of what we now know about (inattentive) ADHD, and they tell you to your face that no, you don't have it, go take a nap. One doctor at least gave me an official referral to psychotherapy but I didn't use it because 1) you're on your own to find a therapist (good luck, lol), 2) you have to pay for most of it anyway, and 3) it's not going to be effective if it doesn't address the root cause(s) behind that trauma.

On further reflection, I now realize that these "death spirals" were not ordinary burnouts (if that can even be a thing) but specifically ADHD burnouts, so it's even more imperative that I get to the truth at the bottom of this. It can very well be that I'm too damn tired for tests to properly show my baseline, but structured cognitive/behavioral/whatever tests will have some kind of rubric and maybe even quantitative measurements so it will be less about how they feel about what I tell them about myself but what the scores say about it.

But what's more, I now have copies of the figurative receipts. When I was visiting my parents last year I made scans of all my old report cards and other school records (that Mom meticulously organized and kept). Not every single page but those with grades or teacher/parent comments on. I don't really have any interest in reading through them myself. Some of the criticisms areas for improvement my teachers had for me are still etched in my mind 30 years later, because I couldn't "fix" them then (and not for lack of trying) nor really understand why I should (be like normal people), and still can't and don't. I will not enumerate them here.

_________

TL;DR:

I don't care what it costs (a lot) but I am (finally) getting my damn brain tested for ADHD because I can't manage it on my own anymore while pretending to the world (and the world trying to tell me) that my problems have nothing to do with it.

[deficd]

GET TO KNOW THE MUN.

respond to the prompts out of character!

what made you pick up the current muse(s) you have? oh man. uh. i guess, following my url's general meaning, i choose to write muses on here that have defied their fates/expectations in some shape or form. this is true for more of my older muses on here, as i've definitely added some recently where i have to kinda twist that a bit. aside from that, i really just write muses that i can connect with on some level. my apparent calling is sad men who are prone to violence and are also incredibly sad/lonely. the mains i have floating in my head are usually there because it's the current media i'm consuming (i.e. star wars: the old republic). i could write long metas on why i adore all of my muses though. c':

is there anything you don’t like to write? uhh, you know. i'm actually pretty open to most things. i need some sort of action going on, regardless of the type, to keep interested i suppose. like, if there's a lot of conversation, i tend to get stuck. that's just because i struggle with it and i don't want to bore my partner, though. aside from that, pretty much any genre you throw at me, i'll be interested in writing.

is there anything you really enjoy writing? I'm a sucker for redemption au's, even if it takes thirty threads to get there. i enjoy writing the aftermath of a character's worst arc, and all of the guilt, pain, and sorrow that comes with it. so do i want to write arcann's redemption? yes. do i want to write about nihilus somehow healing from being a literal wound in the force? yes. (or even, writing who he was before malachor.) ragnar going back to being a farmer? please. all of it, yes. aside from that, i really, really enjoy hurt/comfort, violent/gore threads, general sci-fi adventure, and general fantasy adventure (the campfires, the fights, the enemies in between destinations, etc.)

how do you come up with headcanons?  it's kind of a mix between being inspired by outside sources, such as media, music, mututals, and things that pop into my head after hyperfixating about a muse for three straight hours or something. i do adopt headcanons/partial headcanons from other people, but like sparingly and if it's appropriate/i know them/have asked. most of the time i really just get hit in the face with them though.

do you write in silence or do you play music? i am someone that requires music to write. i need to drown out distractions however i can. i really struggle with being easily distracted (getting tested for adhd soon lol) because i can very easily lose a thought before i'm able to write it down. i find that with music i can focus better, and i have playlists that help with whatever mood i'm going for in the reply.

do you plan your replies or wing them? i usually just sort of write what comes to mind first and then, if i have questions about something, i'll either approach the other mun or write things in the tags. sort of referring to the previous question, i try to write my ideas down as soon as i see a reply, or i'll be prone to forgetting them.

do you enjoy shipping? yes, 1000% yes. i love all sorts of relationships, not only the romantic ones. i don't really get to write about platonic/friendships too often, but i really enjoy the times i can. that said, re: romantic ships, i'm usually on board if there's chemistry between muses. i also encourage other muns to approach me if they think they might want to ship because chances are, i'm already on board.

what’s your alias/name?  Lee

age?  old

birthday?  December 25th

favorite color?  silver, purple, black

favorite song?  i... don't think i can choose? there are all sorts of songs that hit me in the right way. i can tell you a song i'm listening to on repeat right now is The Wind Weeps Eleanor by American Murder Song.

last movie you watched?  Hagazussa: A Heathen's Curse, but I hope to go see Dune 2 this week.

last show you watched?  just started Shōgun and it's wonderful.

last song you listened to?  Dwamn by Tech N9ne 🫣 

favorite food?  fry bread! or a step further: navajo tacos.

favorite season?  winter

do you have a tumblr best friend? um i think i'm close to a few people on here, but the only one i know i can tag for sure is @vuulpecula starbuck has put up with my nonsense on here for years and somehow still talks to me lmfao we have the greatest and the worst ships and honestly i am always always always excited to write with her❤️❤️❤️

and idk if i should tag u because this is an rp meme and this is one of my rp blogs but @oolathurman is my other bestie and i've known and adored them for literal years so. yeah sflkjdslf❤️❤️❤️

TAGGED BY @valorums thank you<3

TAGGING @vuulpecula @riiese @hcxcd @fasciinating @juramentum @mistrdctr / @respondedinkind @auroradicit @red-white-and-trauma @blue-eyed-banshee @helreginn @astridnorddottir @brittlefcrged and YOU!

[meg2md]

Operation: Trying To Get My Shit Together

It's my last week of nights, but like I said before, even though it's ass and I'm constantly in a state of existential dread, the hours are considerably better than normal day shift hours and I actually have a relative ton of free time as long as the floor isn't on fire and I'm not expecting transports. I read through all 41 volumes of Berserk in the past 3 weeks and have (almost) recovered from the emotional trauma it inflicted on me, and now I have one week left and no hyperfixations that call me too strongly. So I guess I can work on getting my life together lol.

Academic responsibilities:

M&M - draft due Tues, about half done

CREOG - test in January

ACOG - need to make AROM demos and borrow some amnihooks/FSEs, e-mail about borrowing CE demos, end of Oct

M3 surgical skills - submit simulation center form!!!!, next month

Urogyn - prepare for surgical cases next block by reading/watching videos, next week

Conferences: book hotels, flights; schedule reimbursement - this month

Research: meet about SDOH study paper; log into Athena to prep for data collection for Sedation project; touch base with JC about if AI study going anywhere

Fellowship: app in May, the biggest things are figuring out when/how to ask for LOR and drafting a personal statement. And then hoping my extracurriculars and research are enough :( also potentially an away rotation for end of March/early April - need to meet with MIGS ppl next week to discuss next steps

But the most stressful thing that's been weighing on me for MONTHS is my finances and disorganized spending. This week I REALLY REALLY REALLY want to get my budget it order. I can't even imagine how much my stress levels will improve if I don't have this crushing dread about my finances hanging over my head. This includes

Figuring out loans and how/when to pay them back

Budgeting software (I used YNAB previously)

Paying back my friend who lent me money for vet bills

Calling insurance to see why therapy costs so freaking much

My spending has been out of control!!!! It is like, the absolute worst, most damaging symptom of my ADHD that I don't have a good handle on yet, especially when I'm so dysregulated from nights. I thought I could work on it over the weekend but alllllll my limited, limited energy was spent on basic self-care (laundry, dishes, cleaning floor) and I had NOTHING left.

Anyway. Today is for starting on the budget journey and working on M&M. Maybe I'll log into YNAB and reset some things and just start over. ho hum

I'm just..... so beaten down, so tired. I have so much existential angst. Like idk that I'd want to do anything other than medicine in my life, but like..... what's the point of living ? Lol. Is this all there is? I don't have a partner, I don't have many friends near here. I don't want to not be alive but I like, need a reason to live

:')

[dragonclawzzz]

We had the kids school conferences on last week.

Charlotte's was great, we know her teacher well because Grayson had her last year. She's testing above average on everything and she gets along great with everyone in the class, but she loves to chat and will talk to anyone in the class so sometimes she gets in trouble for that. I feel bad because I honestly had no idea she would be doing so well! Last year she was average on everything, low on reading even but her scores actually went up despite the summer? I think it's because she watches a ton of anime with the subtitles on lol

Grayson's conference was not great. His advisor resigned and is leaving next week and she really phoned it in about talking about him which was annoying 🙄 but basically all of his teacher's said he doesn't pay attention and doesn't do quality work. Marc finally seemed to take this to heart and agreed he needs to go back on meds for his ADHD.

Sebastian's went as expected- everyone loves him, he's fun, nice, smart but talks a lot and often rushes through work. Idk why we've gotten multiple calls about Seb's behavior and none about Grayson's failing grades? Priorities I guess.

[plaidcushion]

actually im gonna talk through my zine wips for this year

i decided to make 4 zines this year because i love punishment i guess lol

it was a little easier than the normal adhd 1 week out oh god i need to make something panic, because this year im one of the people running it and so i had constant reminders of when it was. this also means i've been busy.

i want to make at least one high effort thing a year, but this year i accidentally managed two?

the first is my pottery zine. i've been doing less than stellar in my pottery class and so i decided to talk about that and make some little guys to hold the zine itself

the idea is that you pick up the zine and then see that they look like they've been dropped on their faces?

shitpost zine interlude:

we know him we love him he is actively decaying on my patio table

this one is actually my most expensive zine to produce (yes, even with kiln firing the little guys twice) despite taking virtually no production effort compared to the other three. colour printing is a huge bitch

okay back to high effort: i do not actually know if i'll manage to finish this one

this one folds out into a room (colours non representational, this was a layout test) and started as a sort of ptsd/memories based thing for one of my comic characters. while coming up with the text it morphed into a vaguely horror-y thing instead, so here we are.

each spread will be fully carved and printed from lino to look like rooms in a house. the text (also carved) will flow around in a circle and lead back to the title: BUT IT REMEMBERS

my gf got me a printing press for our anniversary so this is going to be a hell of a field test for it, let me tell you. i still need to carve so much lino oh god

then the fourth: was supposed to be another shitpost zine but i got carried away and made a papercraft for each one so here we are

i have strong opinions on this subject

anyway go big or go home i guess lol

[justalilguyoops]

Hi! I love your fics and I truly adore your characterization of Felix! My question is, do you think canon!Felix is that much of an airhead? I mean we know that he's seen doing shit like showing his doodles to his cousin grinning like it was the most amusing thing in the world, and we've seen him just sit under a tree with his broken bike hoping(!) for a higher being to maybe save his ass(?) etc etc. But -and this question might seem really ignorant (I'm sorry!) but I'm not familiar with the west's educational system at all - aren't you supposed to be smart to be accepted to Oxford? Or at least have the grades to show up for it? I mean I know Felix's family is important and all and maybe Catton donations are a Thing, but I was under the impression that he wouldn't be completly academically helpless. Like farleigh for example. He seems be intellectually very capable albeit admittedly, he grew up in different circumstances so he probably had show that he deserved what was given to him (although he did get expelled from multiple schools for his deranged behavior lol) Anyways! Love airheaded Felix with all my heart! And I love you for your genius writing!!

OMG hello anon!!! thank you for the question I'm always so shook when I get questions like this because I'm like,,,, people care what I think?? omg.....so I am very honored

SO! I think canon Felix is NOT an airhead, or at least not as much of an airhead as LAWS Felix is. I think WIPIP Felix is probs WAY closer to actual Felix.

I def think he's probably the level of stupid your average college boy is HAHAHA which means he's not....stupid....just dumb.....AKA I think he's probably just immature, cocky, and has never had to try that hard to get anything he's ever wanted.

Oxford is DEFINITELY hard to get into and you need good grades. I'm American (so obvi UK folks def probs know more about this than me), but I view it how we view the Ivy League, which are like our most prestigious universities and super hard to get into. BUT. There is a caveat that gives you an advantage in getting into these schools: Legacy students. I'm pretty sure this isn't as much of a thing for Oxford (just telling from looking it up) and it's more of an American practice, but to put it simply is that if your parent attended said university, you get a bit of an advantage for admissions. Yeah. Isn't that gross???

SO I kind of think about it that way: Sir James probably attended Oxford and they probably made some hefty donations, giving Felix a bit more leeway than most admissions would get. I think Felix probably has gotten pretty good grades when he tries, but I also think he gets away with a LOT more than an average student. Some nepo baby privilege fr fr. We also learn he's running late for his tutorial and SKIPPED the week prior from the whole bike scene, so just using that as a reference kind of tells us he's not the ~best~ student. I def think he's probably pretty smart though, just privileged and lazy.

And then Farleigh, on the other hand, I think DOES have to try. Even though he's supported by the Cattons, I don't think he benefits from the same privilege as the Cattons.

But LAWS Felix.......he is such a himbo.........true Gen Z'er who has no attention span because of TikTok (I say this as a Gen Z'er).....I don't think he's stupid, just that he kinda gets by in Oxford. For his grades before Oxford, I think he probably got a lot of little grade "bumps" from teachers. BUT I also think that maybe he gets accommodations? Here in the USA, if you have dyslexia or dyscalculia or other learning disorders you get a bit more leeway with testing and whatnot. By leeway I mean additional time, rooms where you test alone, etc. For LAWS Felix I have the canon of Felix dealing with Dyslexia/Dyscalculia/ADHD. He's fr trying his best my poor boy

BUT OBVIOUSLY all of this is just my opinion and what I think!!! I'm also an American, so a lot of my info is based on my experience in the American education system. Thank you so much for the question <333