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the-headbop-wraith · 4 years ago

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1 _ 19 Brambles

Soft voices glide through the room, cutting and retuning to a new scene or tone or voice with rhythmic pauses. It was a delicate matter to set one claw to the button of the remote and press with a stiff finger, cycling through the dull white noise that made up the blubbering television theme of each channel. What was defined as ‘news’ was scarcely credible, many channels were dedicated to realty programs, infomercials that promised ‘satisfaction guaranteed or money back,’ and as always the static infused HBO special feature.

Therehad to be a better use for television. Humans just refused to find it, or the general population was content tonumb their minds into oblivion with this toxic waste of ozone. Mystery huffed into the folds of the blankethe lounged over, and pressed his paw to the button again. None of his companions had said anything, aslong as the soft background chatter remained below audible they were somewhateased by his habit. The dog halflistened as Vivi went over the next destinations marked on the map, there werea few but they had lost time after the van was put into the body shop for repairs. Mystery rolled over, sliding the telly remote along the sheet cover as he did, for ease of access and the minimal of movement required of reaching it.

The argument between Vivi and Arthur had been typical, Arthur on the opposing side wanting no pair of hands on the van aside from his own, and Vivi adamant about getting the exterior of the van patched up. Lewis had been like Mystery, huddled outside in the parking lot where it was relatively safe. In the end, Arthur had folded under the assurance that nothing within the vans metal hull would be tampered with. That had been the case of course from the beginning, even Vivi didn’t want the off chance of strange people poking through the vans back, and seeing the mess that none of them had made the effort to pick up. There was no concern shed over the ward scripts, carved stones, and endless containers of sage and salt stashed in the cuvees – all over the floor. Long ago Vivi had given up any attempt to explain these items to the inquisitive outsider.

“But the baseball stadium sounds more interesting,” Vivi said. She and Lewis had the selection narrowed down – a hospital, a maternity store, and a bed and breakfast that was on their route. Mystery personally preferred the bed and breakfast, and they might just stop in along the way since it was literally on one of their roads. “A batter ghost? Why is he there, and who is he?” She scrolled through one of the tabs she had opened on the main page, there were a few pictures but nothing clear, no definite image of a spirit aside from a gray glob that could be easily be explained as lens flares or rudimentary odd shadows.

Behind her hovered Lewis, just above the head rest of the hard chair she had claimed. Mystery had caught Arthur glancing over at Lewis a few times, from his position on the opposite side of the one bed. It was probably difficult for him to wrap his mind around the sight, with Arthur being the analytical one of the group, struggling to rationalize whatever science there was into a free floating body. To describe it, imagine bungee cords that are not visible, Lewis’ body was parallel of the floor but suspended a good two feet above the headrest and peering over Vivi’s fluff of blue hair and into the computer she held on her lap.

“What’s this activity about?” Lewis inquired. His body dips down, folded arms coming within inches of the headrest above Vivi. He spoke aloud before she could read off the page, “‘Seen after games end on the field, sometimes caught in the stadiums big screen.’ Groovy.”

“There’s speculation he, or she – we don’t know – they could be a fan,” Vivi continued. “There’s a case where one of the spectators suffered a concussion from a free flying ball, but they never went to the hospital and by the time they realized how serious the concussion had been, it was too late.” She shifted in the uncomfortable seat, and Lewis raised himself a foot more reflexively. “They could be trapped there or something. What do you think, Art?”

Mystery recoiled from his leisure sprawl when Arthur jerked on the bed. “Who- what?” Arthur sputtered. He had met eyes with Lewis, when the free suspended body had shifted so Lewis could see him better. Vivi kindly reminded Arthur the subject they were discussing, and Arthur set aside his notebook as he thought it over. “Batter ghost sounds the most low key, but what about the rumors?”

Vivi tapped at the laptop, and Lewis shifted to view the key words she searched for. “There are all the usual grainy shots, most caught when there’s a game. Lots of people, lots of cameras going off?” She rubbed her finger over the scroll pad quickly, eyes flashing behind her magenta glasses. “There are a few post game pics, but they don’t look any more better.”

“We could do with another low key investigation,” Lewis chimed in.

“You liked the ‘Owl Widow’ ghost?” Vivi accused, half a smirk on her face. The Owl Widow had been horrifying as hell, but she was all bark and no bite.

“I can sympathize with anyone who would terrorize people that would hike all the way out to my house, to wreck the furniture and break the windows,” Lewis grumbled. “But… she had such a gentle heart. After all those years, it’s a tragedy.”

Vivi sighed and sank down in the chair, she pushed the laptop higher up onto her knees for Lewis viewing ease. “She’ll be okay,” she persisted. “Decades gone by and she just keeps on protecting those owls.”

Mystery folded his wrists together and pinned the remote under his lower paw. Those that study the occult would recall a myth which went, when a person and an animal die in each other’s company the souls are bound, and if the trauma of the event was powerful enough, a spirit would return. The people of the town spoke of a young birder who had a favorite owl she took out to train. It was believed that hunters may have mistaken her for some animal and shot her, and her owl, or some variation of the scenario. Murder was suspected but due to lack of evidence ruled out, and the case was never solved. However, not long following the incident hikers and campers began to tell stories about an abandoned home in the area, where dozens of owls would congregate to roost, and at night the shrill cry of a woman or a shrieking owl was heard within. Few would dare stay in the home, and those that attempted only made it a few hours into the evening before the ear splitting shrieks would drive them out into the night.

The Mystery Skulls had no problem with the Owl Widow and even believed the rumors false, until they as a group ventured up into the unexplored attic where the owls roosted during the day. Vivi had no way of hailing the spirit, and the Owl Widow was as feral and skittish as any bird. When the Owl Widow realized she was discovered, she abruptly vanished without a trace. Later, Vivi learned that it was the local’s thrill seekers sport to stay in the home or try to draw out the Owl Widow for a good scare, and that was commonly done by vandalizing the home. This disgusted Vivi and she refused to do anything more that would negatively affect the spirit.

Arthur climbed off the motels bed and gave Mystery’s head a warm rub as he waked by. Mystery took his cue and climbed off the bed and followed his companion to the door, where Arthur pivoted and stopped him.

“Stay here,” Arthur urged, motioning the dog with his metal hand as his other hand took the door handle. Mystery sat down and tilts his head as Arthur backed out. “I’ll be back in a gif, I’m just gonna check the laundry.” Mystery raised an eyebrow as Arthur turned away and shut the door between them.

“Hurry back, then,” Vivi answered. Mystery glanced her way as she resumed scrolling. “It irks me though.” Lewis hummed in question and Vivi continued. “This would be a lot of work running around, for one ghost. Stadiums are huge, unless we find a binding object.”

“What’s the info on our subject?” Lewis asked, and pointed to the screen. “Is there anything? A name?”

“We could just use any old baseball I guess, if that’s what caused their death.” Vivi was clicking links, hunting for a newspaper article in the cities historical database. “There’s a lawsuit, but when s’there not? Mystery.” The dog looked up at Vivi when she called his name. “Arthur said he wouldn’t be gone long. Don’t worry.”

“That link there,” Lewis cut in, pointing to the un-highlighted title among the few darker cousin links on the screen. “I got a good feeling about that.”

“Keep your socks on. I got it.” She clicked it and the two read silently to themselves.

Mystery shrugged his shoulders and returned to the bed. The layout of the motel room was as basic, dry, and boring as the thousands they had the privilege to stay in before – table, armchair, lamp, vanity desk, single bed – a picture print of a pasture with deer grazing in the tall grass, a distant lake and tall trees surrounding the scenery – framed and hung on the wall above the bed. Mystery stretched out over the tussled sheets and adjusted his thin ankles over a stiff fold of the covers. He raised the volume only slightly and resumed his meditation through channel surfing.

“There was also this guy that overheated and died while in the mascot costume,” Vivi mentioned. “You’d think he’d come back as some sort of demon bonded to his costume.”

Lewis often wondered over Vivi’s unique style of thinking. “What was the costume?”

Vivi fixed her hairband, then put her hands back to the keyboard and scrolled. “A badger?”

“The stadium no longer sounds low key?” Lewis humped. He rolled sideways in mid hover and folded one arm under his neck, as if to support his head by some invisible tabletop. “None of the reports remark on any aggression, accidents?”

“No, you big chicken.”

“Bawk-bawk,” Lewis droned, void of any enthusiasm. “Is it too much to ask that we return to cases where some… angry thing doesn’t come crashing out of the shadows with a huge chip on its shoulder? Have I mentioned, I would like that?” He nods, as if agreeing over an important matter.

“Well…” Vivi let her voice trail off, and glanced up at Lewis. They had those cases too often. Failed cases she categorized them. The encounters which were too volatile for traditional techniques and it was advised by any veteran paranormal investigator, that if you have no training in that particular field, you have no right to meddle with it. In those instances it is strongly advised to pack up and book it rather risk harm, or worse. It was another topic she wanted to ask Arthur about, but she wouldn’t bring it up with Lewis since he was in that realm himself.

That place, it would have been one, it should have been a Failed case. They just didn’t recognize the danger in time. Another notch, a proud scar in their resume. They never failed a case, but often the case did fail them, and she had failed them.

Packed up and ran away. No matter what danger they left to those that came in their wake. Let the experienced, the demon hunters, deal with it.

“Huh?” Lewis asked, slanting one dark eye at her.

Vivi gave her head a shake and returned her attention to the screen. “I thought of something. Anyway,” she paused, noting she had exited out of some of the history articles. “Just a bunch of sightings. Nothing threatening.”

“Great,” Lewis chirped. “What were you thinking, then?”

“I was wondering,” Vivi mumbled and curled down into the chairs back. She looked up as Lewis peered down at her, prompting her to go on. “Well….”

“Well what?” There was something in his voice, something that had been absent until recent. Vivi had only realized it herself, but his voice was sounding more natural, vocal rather hollow. Solid as if projected, rather than suggested through the vague scratch of an outdated radio. The slight transition had been lost to her, while in constant company of her subject. She wondered what sort of voice outsiders heard when Lewis spoke with them, or were they oblivious? She could ask Arthur how much Lewis’ voice had changed. “Vi?”

“Are you aware you’re floating?” Vivi looked between Lewis and the floor, through the back of the chair she was nestled in. “Can you do that intentionally or—” She winced to the audible thud that came. “Uhh….”

“I was not aware,” Lewis’ garbled voice came, somewhere beyond the chairs back. “Thank you for notifying me.”

“Explain that to me.” Vivi set the laptop down on the seat cushion and stood up, to peer over the chairs headrest. “How can you not realize you’re free floating?” She pulled back and sat on her knees when Lewis poked his head up, skull in place of a face, and he resumed a buoyant hover above the floor.

“I’m kidding,” he said, as he fixed the jacket collar. Lewis felt his face, recognized the common distinction of solid spectral that symbolized his skull. “My concentration broke— I knew I was, but….” He fumbled, voice breaking off into scratches and he gave up. “Hard to explain.” He winced and looked up to Vivi when she set her hand on the side of his skull. The embers of his eyes brightened, most noticeably in Vivi’s glasses as she smiled at him.

“I get it,” she hummed. “I’ll try not to do that again.”

Lewis let his gleaming eyes dim and fall away from her tender gaze. He pressed his cheek into Vivi’s palm and let his ethereal essence sooth out, calming from the choppy ripples that dug through his usual insubstantial eminence. Passive waves rolled through Vivi’s aura, strong, vibrant, and cool. No wonder she had such power over the spirits; how could she not? It was compelling and desirable, more than the once strong call that had persisted on him in that early time. As the days ticked away the call became less, and less vibrant, until the draw had subsided into faint tugs; unpalatable and easily ignored. Bleu Moyen. High blue waves to dose his fires, severing his ties to the ravenous fury and blind ambition. So clear. Everything became so crystal clear when he was with Vivi.

A low shudder burned in Lewis, when Vivi leaned over the headrest to kiss the upper edge of his jaw. His eyes brightened in their dark sockets and a wisp of flame faded as Vivi drew back. Lewis didn’t want to lose her, he could scarcely recall that time of the between. He only wanted to believe his feelings were genuine.

An interesting segment was on the history channel, describing ancient magicians of centuries past. Mystery turned his ears up as the narrator described a priest of the pharaoh whom became famous for cutting the heads of various animals, and that animal would function normally, walk around, but without a head; after some time the priest would restore the head to the creature and it would resume life as normal. This spectacle was never performed on a human, never a servant, the priest would always refuse, and what matter of the illusion was never discovered, though attempts have been made to recreate it.

By the programs end, Mystery was on his side fully content to watch out the conclusion. No animals were harmed during the making of the program. A hollow promise, but it had some effect of easing him a little to see the message and be reminded that some humans did care. He rotates his head over to see Vivi more or less in the chair, she would be in the chair if Lewis wasn’t under her. They had resumed discussion of what case was more favorable, but softer, as if Mystery wasn’t there. He took a deep breath and let the air wheeze out of his nose.

Wait.

Mystery rolled over, off the bed and padded to the door. He sniffed along the edge picking up Arthur’s most recent scent, and pawed at the scuffed up white paint of the door. Mystery whined and looked up to Vivi and she peered over the computer in her lap, down at him.

“What’s up, Mystery?”

He barked and sidestepped at the door. Arthur. How long has Arthur been gone? Mystery resumed scratching at the door, and reared up on his hinds legs to take the L shaped handle between his wrists.

“He should’ve been back,” Vivi paused as she looked to the clock on the laptop. “Forever ago.” She stood up off of Lewis and crossed to the vanity desk, where the telly was stationed. She unplugged the computer, shut it, and stuffed it into her overnight bag on the desk. She fished around for the room key as Lewis raised up from the chair.

“Maybe he had to re-dry the clothes,” Lewis suggested. He stepped up beside Vivi and set his hand upon the shimmering surface of the mirror, and stared into the steady state of his skull and bright eye sockets. He had worked on this off and on, he could ‘jolt’ his state back into his more favorable appearance with a flash of a thought.

“Or he could’ve gone for a walk.” He briefly examined his face, the stubborn dark eyes, then turned to Vivi. “Clear his head. Think for a bit? He’s been really quiet lately.”

Vivi’s attention was directed past Lewis, toward Mystery standing on his rear legs. Mystery had tottered backwards with the door following his movements, and was now stepping out. The door began to slip shut, but stopped when Mystery blocked its progress and gave a bark at them to hurry. “Mystery doesn’t like to be away from Arthur for too long,” she said, as reason. “I worry about him, I have to.” Mystery ducked out of the doorway when Vivi stepped over to him.

“I know.” Lewis snatched his sunglasses off the table as he followed Vivi out the door, and into the blazing sun of midafternoon. Way past noon, the sky was getting the dusky soft purples that Lewis appreciated. He wanted to converse with Vivi about the one time when the group managed to get hopelessly lost and spread out around the motel, only because they kept following each other around the main office building, with a length of the wall distancing them apart. What messed them up was that they were just barely in ear shot, they could hear the nearest person but in all the confusion they never got it across, “Stay right there, I’m coming.” They had run around in circles all day, but the scenario was straight from a cartoon and they had great fun anyway.

He decided not to encourage the memory. It wasn’t so much for her benefit, but the thought of it pained him worse than….

“We just barely ate an hour ago,” Vivi mentioned. She and Lewis followed Mystery down the steps and through the small hallway that cut between the two halves of the motel. As per destiny, the nearest convenience mart was adjacent to the motel. Night or day, it didn’t matter to Arthur when he drank an energy drink. Hell, he’d drink one before taking a nap. Vivi would check there next. “You didn’t have to come.”

Lewis gave a sheepish smirk, missed by Vivi. “Well, you didn’t stop me.”

Vivi could smell the warm scent of the dyer heaters as they walked along the wall to the laundry room; beside the kids play area, and the gated and tarped pool. She pulled the door open and let Mystery and Lewis enter before she followed them into the cramped room. “Not here?” she spoke, as she moved into the adjoining room with the washers and laundry detergent vendor.

Mystery’s paws scratched and clacked on the cool tile as he wandered around, sniffing under a table and then at the edge of a wall. He turned to Vivi and gave some soft barks that echoed, unintentionally loud, off the walls. Arthur hadn’t been here lately, but with all the oddball scents it was a trial to discern accurately a time.

The dryer was still thumping and rumbling. Lewis examined the timer and found it had fifteen more minutes. “If you don’t think you’ll need me, can I have the room key so I can get this stuff up there?” he asks.

“Sure.” Vivi pulled the car key out of her wrist sleeve and handed it over to Lewis. “We’ll see you back in the room in’a bit.” She waved to Lewis as she returned to the glass door, Mystery scratched over the slippery linoleum to catch up with her at the door. “Chao.”

“Good luck,” Lewis answered, as the door shut. A few minutes drift by and a thought occurred to Lewis. When Arthur stepped out, Lewis wasn’t certain but he didn’t think Arthur had picked up the laundry bag. If Arthur had come to the same conclusion, Lewis might run into him on his way to or from the room.

The room was still empty of Arthur and provided no insight of a short return. Vivi shut the door and took the opposite path along the rooms, her eyes scanned about as she walked, in hopes to catch the faint blur of yellow contrasted on the open car lot below. Mystery padded at her heel as they took the route for the back stairs that ran above the main office. Below, a group of kids laugh as they race by, shoes slapping on the hard cement. Vivi tottered at the rail trying to catch sight of the jovial youths; maybe Arthur was down there lost in his own thoughts and mildly discomforted from the innocent play. It seemed like the situation he would be tossed into when he craved some seclusion. The sounds fade somewhere, and if Arthur is below she cannot see him from the angle she’s at above.

“It’s a beautiful day,” Vivi murmured. She paused on the steps to look out from the narrow arch and scanned the clear sky, the moist tinge still on the air from the recent rains. “There was a park when we rode in, wasn’t there?”

Mystery stood sideways on the steps and stares at the sky. He gave a soft yap.

“I know this deal with the van put us on a tight schedule, but we can do with a lil TLC.” She continued down the steps, and Mystery followed. “We’ve spent so many weeks cooped up together, I forget what open air feels like.”

The road that cut through this section of the city was not very busy, even throughout the day when people would be busy with errands. Vivi with Mystery crossed to the nearest shop mart with the highest gas prices she had seen in a hundred miles. Down the sidewalk from their current residence, it was only a few blocks among the stores and cafes to the open flat of the body shop where the van was being adjusted. The body shop was only going to fix up the ragged sides where the van had fallen and scraped, part of the deal was allowing Arthur to do the paint job himself. That would leave the van looking half finished and metallic until they returned to home base.

As Vivi pushed the door of the convenience store open, a blast of balmy air hit her. Immediately the clerk at the cashier counter piped up:

“I’m sorry, miss. No dog’s allowed.”

Vivi let Mystery in anyway, and Mystery went on his way examining the racks assorted foods, and the doughnut case positioned across from the cashier counter. “He’s a therapy dog,” Vivi answered.

The cashier, a tall woman with curly hair, hesitates as she looks back to the white dog free of a leash. “Do you have papers?” She seemed uneasy as Mystery sniffed along the corner of the tall doughnut case. In Mystery’s defense, the doughnuts smelled exceptional that day.

“That depends,” Vivi rebuked. She turned from the woman and looked over the near empty store, a few people drift around picking at the inventory in various sections – sweet, salty, and standard household goods. “Did you see a guy come in here? Shocked yellow hair, quail curl, orange vest.” She turned to the cashier and the blank stare the woman wore. Vivi motioned her elbow. “Metal arm?”

Indeed it was a beautiful day. Arthur was glad he had stepped out to enjoy it, get some fresh air. He hoped the van was all right, he hated the thought of strange people putting their greasy hands all over his pride and joy. Even if the van liked to break down in the harsh weather conditions, or guzzled gas like a leech did fresh blood, they didn’t pay for it. He never asked how much it was going to cost, but Vivi had been the one driving at the time and she always insisted on these matters. Arthur gave up trying to fight her about it long ago.

He sighed and leaned back into the cool wall in the stores shadow. It was cold only in the shadow, but standing in direct sunlight had warmed his chest too much and so here he stood in the shade, listening to the children in the nearby neighborhoods whoop and holler in play. He put his hand back in his pocket, pushed the pack of gum aside, and pulled up the chainless pocket watch. Four thirty-nine. The laundry should be done by now, he didn’t want a collection of his pants in bacon ripple style. Sickly yellow, bacon ripple style… whatever.

The watch went back in his pocket and Arthur brought the cigarette back to his lips for another draw. His eyes half closed and he let the sizzle work in his throat. Two more minutes. He calculated the time up in his head, two more minutes coupled with the walk back to the motel—, he forgot the bag. Get the bag, go back down and collect the freshly dried pants and shirts. Or he could forget the bag, have five more minutes to let his blood mellow.

“Arthur!”

He jumps in place and turns to Vivi’s accusing stare. “Hey. I didn’t worry you, did I?” he rasped. Arthur took another breath and looked down from Vivi, to Mystery huddled behind her legs. When Vivi began towards him, Mystery turns and bolts out of sight. Arthur backed up and hit the wall. He gets out a vague question as Vivi slaps the cigarette out of his metal hand. “Whoa now! What gives you the right—” He shut his mouth when Vivi grips the front of his shirt and heaves back a fist.

“You promised me you quit!” she snarled.

“I did! I DID!” Arthur tenses but makes no move to defend his face. He probably deserved it.

It was on the prescription, among the long list of drugs compiled into his blood to keep his kidneys from shriveling up, his heart pumping, his capillaries clear of toxins. They worried about toxins in his blood. Arthur had laughed that day, it was so out of character they had to call in a psychiatrist to evaluate whether or not his brain had suffered mental trauma that was not foreseen since his earlier evaluations. Oh what medical science was blind to; oh what they were willfully ignorant of. The only person that might’ve gotten the joke, wouldn’t have gotten it anyway. That cruel irony made looking at her twice as difficult for the remainder of the month, but he found his way out of it.

The doctors advised Arthur to quit, obstructed capillary networks was what they labeled it. It was common in amputees.

“Was this your first pack?” Vivi growled, tugging Arthur towards her.

He choked and spat out a no. “I’m gonna stop though, I will!” he stammered, leaning back. Why was Vivi so strong? Arthur was no heavyweight, but she could pick up Lewis when he was alive. “It always helped, with the… it just helped!”

“We have sage!” she hissed, face twisting, tears brimming in her eyes.

“But that’s so rude!” Arthur cringed down fully expecting the blow to connect and knock some sense back into him. He bought gum and sometimes chewed that instead, but it wasn’t the same. He’d show Vivi once she calmed down. He was hauled forward, staggering through the dark shade of his thoughts and awaiting the flash of light from her fist to cleave through his mind… but the harsh blow never comes. Instead, soft arms wrap around him. Arthur risks opening his eyes and stares down on the weed riddled pavement behind her blue heels. His muscles remained locked, he didn’t dare move even when Vivi’s shoulders quivered. Arthur clenched his fists at his sides and rested his chin on the poofy sweater around her neck.

“I should have asked,” she mumbled into his shoulder. “I should have asked you.” She squeezed tighter around Arthur’s chest, as if fortifying his presence with her embrace. “Why didn’t I?”

“You…” he began, and hesitated. Vivi said nothing, hadn’t calmed down, and Arthur went on, “already knew the answer. Nothing’s changed. This is fine.”

“No, it’s wrong.” She pressed her forehead into the collar of that stupid amber vest Arthur always insisted on wearing. “I wasn’t thinking about you, I wasn’t worried that…. Jesus, I don’t think.” How could she forget? Why had she been blind to this? For all her intuition, her flexible and quick mind, how could she overlook such simple, yet crucial details? Essential, yet fragile. Delicate, but poisonous. A balance that tipped dangerously.

Arthur brought his arms up and wrapped them around her shoulders, gently. “Vi, we’ve talked,” he insists. “I told him I was solid. I don’t have the right—” Arthur froze again when Vivi recoiled and pushed him back by his shoulders.

“That’s not an invitation!” She snapped. “That’s submission! That won’t do.” Arthur let his head hang, but Vivi cups his chin in her fingers and pushed his face up. “No, Art. Look, I’m not mad, I’m frustrated. Well, maybe that’s not the truth. I’m mad at me, not you. But— Would you look at me! I’m frustrated, that’s it.” She stares into Arthur’s face as his eyes crease and his brows stretch, into a conflicted expression she was too familiar with. “You’re not allowed to destroy yourself. Are you listening?” He nods, and tries to let his eyes drop from her steady gaze. “What did I just say?”

“Don’t wreck myself,” he mumbled, below a breath.

“That’s good enough, I guess.” Vivi sighed, and raised a thumb up to touch the lone tear that had made it past Arthur’s resistance. “How do I save you? How do I save my boys?”

“I miss Lewis,” Arthur says. He shuts his eyes and begins to slip down to the cold ground, his knees fold up under him. Vivi helps him down, pulling at his vest and trying not to grip the upper space of his left arm where metal met flesh. “I’m keeping it together, pulling myself back.” Vivi kneels in front of him and pulls him upright when he begins to sag sideways over his knees. “I’m not gonna fuck this up too. I can do this.” He shuts his eyes and presses his metal palm to his forehead in an effort to cool his fevered brow. “I can do this. Just… just give me some time, and I’ll work it out.”

“Hey.” Vivi brought her hands up and clasped Arthur around his forehead, his shocked blond hair folded under her palms as she held him. Arthur tucked his eyelids shut and winced to her touch. “Don’t push yourself so hard. It’ll… you’re going to hurt yourself.”

“I know my limits,” he murmured. Arthur feels his heart being ripped in two, skewered by icy teeth and shredded across his ribs. “I can endure. I can.”

“Don’t give me that,” Vivi hissed. “You’re not impervious to— Art, wait!” Arthur had ripped himself from her hands and managed up onto his feet, stumbling a bit as he spun away from Vivi still crouched on the broken asphalt. Vivi hopped to her feet and followed his stabbing steps. “Art’ur!” She jerks back when he whirls on her.

“I’m not fragile, Vi! God, I’m not going to come apart and scatter in the wind.” Arthur screams, his body movements erratic as he gestures with his hands; the prosthetic arm is dull and awkward while he’s amid a state of distress. “My legs are strong, my mind’s still here! I’m okay! Just… chill.” He motions his arms, bringing them down to his hip level as Vivi watched. “You don’t trust me? Do you?”

Vivi searched for something else to focus on, and settled for the edge of the motels roof beyond the corner of the convenience store Arthur had hidden behind. “Sometimes you forget Art,” she says. “You’re so focused on anything else, you avoid the little things.” She shakes her head and then looks back to Arthur. “I don’t want to forget for you. I can’t drag you down.”

Arthur stuffs his hands into his pockets and toes at the crumbling cement, trying to dislodge a thick stubborn stalk of a wilting weed. He recollected on Vivi before the Cave, ambitious headstrong Vivi, always leading the way. Lewis always right there for her, to grab her and pull her back from the edge of disaster when it suddenly opened up in her path. And Arthur… him, always a step behind, the last one into the room, always lagging behind the others. The first to run, or the one somehow caught.

“Vi,” he says, “you never dragged me. If anything—” He stopped, and looked up at her. “You brought me back. You were there when I woke up.”

Vivi doesn’t meet his eyes as she moves towards Arthur. She takes him by the wrist of his metal arm and pulls the hand into hers and examines the stiff, numb digits, Arthur had carved himself. “I wasn’t always there,” she confessed. “I didn’t want to be there. Art?”

“Hmm?” The air became chilled when a cloud, or the sun, had inched behind some obstruction that blocked the strong yellow rays. He couldn’t feel Vivi’s fingers tracing the mars and etches in place of his metal palm, he could only detect the vibrations he had grown accustomed to when faint touch fell onto his false limb. When he had built his first prosthetic and attached it, Vivi had never taken a second look at it. He had always been gratified by this.

“We should look for Mystery,” she suggests, and tugs him by the wrist with no force applied. “I think he went this way.”

Arthur followed without protest. “We should talk a bit.”

“We’ll talk a bit,” Vivi echoed, leading Arthur behind her by his hand.

“It’s such a nice day, or was,” Arthur muttered, and squinted at the darkening contours of the sky.

Vivi led their way towards a dark alley behind the convenience store, chain link fences and the clay floor packed down, overgrown with trees and weeds. It looked more interesting and secluded than the open sidewalk beside a road. “I thought we could hit the park tomorrow.” Vivi’s voice brightened a bit.

As they departed the wall and Vivi’s voice twittered with the prospect of a day for just them, a dark shadow rose across the glossy paint of the brick. The shadow seeps from the walls surface and reforms itself, bright magenta illuminates along its outline and spreads across its torso and legs. A gilded heart pulses at the broad chest as the dark hue fades by degrees, until it is restored to its pacified shape.

Lewis took a step from the wall and leaned back onto it, he crossed his arms over his chest as he watched Vivi and Arthur disappear down the alley. He thought of following them and making certain Vivi was safe, but he decided that may have been a lame excuse to eavesdrop on following conversations. He’d… done enough of that.

“What happened to us? I mean, why did we let this happen?”

Vivi’s words rattled in his mind. He remembered Arthur then, catatonic, sleeping. His aura had been in its most indolent in that state, and Lewis had for a moment believed Arthur had died, if not for the shallow movement of his chest.

The questions plagued his deepest contemplations, alternating, “Why did we? What happened?” As if she were before him now asking the same question, inquiring for some form of answer he too yearned insight into. There remained the questioned he flittered away from, the ones that he could ponder over for long hours, while time held him prison to witness superficial events from afar. The locket thrummed at his chest, always steady, sometimes thunderous, and then at other times its as somber as a coo. The questions in their most basic function nibbled at him: What and Why?

It was all a ruse, he promised himself. He only intended to frighten them. Get them to abandon his mansion and force them far-FAR away, never to return. Leave him to sleep and forget, and fade away with each pulse of his heart. That was his intent, he swore it was all that he meant to do. Play up the theatrics, convince them it was not worth their time or sanity. He was incapable of killing.... unlike Arthur; it was beyond his nature, he swore it wouldn't go that far no matter how much… he suffered. The long, endless cycle of time tormenting his existence, abandoned and betrayed by someone he thought of as a dear friend. Something... somewhere… it all went wrong.

Reuniting with Arthur. The event brought something out of him, something he never genuinely contested before. Not with earnest. The unbridled horror in Arthur's features when Lewis emerged from his coffin, the unsightly attributes which cost everything he held dear and precious; his brazen perplexity upon seeing this… ghost. It pissed him off. He wanted to wipe it out, make Arthur taste some of that spite that curdled his soul. He couldn't stop, he absolutely could not stop himself. How far could he drive Arthur on before he broke? Arthur deserved the suffering, the torment and hostility unleashed by his failings. Nothing would make this right, but Lewis also couldn't elude that anger. It was as much of a part of him now as the locket affixed to his chest. Inseparable.

And then she was there. It had happened so fast and Lewis couldn’t bear it. The ache in his hollowed chest when he saw her for the first time since….

He said goodbye.

Why he remained far past his expiration was never a controversy for him. The question that stumped him when he was not careful, and it came upon him when his defenses were down: What was he now?

Lewis rounded the corner of the convenience store and walked across the parking lot. He saw Mystery on the sidewalk beyond the gas pumps waiting for Vivi, or him, he was on the sidewalk beside the crosswalk marks that bridge across to the motel. The dog perked up at Lewis’ approach, and Lewis said nothing until he reached his four legged ally. “How’s it going?” Lewis rattled, his voice near toneless.

Mystery’s answer was to tilt his head and lower one ear at an angle. He stood and pivots to cross the road, glancing around for any speeding traffic; there were no cars but Mystery was careful to look anyway. He spins about when Lewis begins to walk off, and Mystery pads up to follow at a distance.

“I’m not going back to the room yet,” Lewis explained. “Vi and Art are looking for you.”

Mystery’s steps slowed and he fell back. That didn’t make sense, any one of them knew without a fail that if he was separated from his company, he would either turn up at the van or the current place of occupation. He gave his head a shake as he resumed his quick pace, struggling to keep up with Lewis long stride. It was evident Lewis was in no hurry, but Lewis probably wanted to be alone and Mystery knew he couldn’t allow that.

They came to the busier district of the widespread city. Mystery recognized it down the road from the motel, an easy to and from for some of the better diners and the cafes. Arthur was impossible when it came to the prospect of being stranded, and the distance to a place for a worthwhile cup of coffee. Mystery woofed at Lewis’ back. Lewis didn’t need a reminder that he was out in public, and not dressed for one on one interactions. Numerous shops throughout the city block catered to tourists, featuring carved wooden animals, jewelry, or rugs and quilts. The small clumps of people they passed would give Mystery odd stares, and Mystery began to wonder what for. It wasn’t unusual for people to stroll around with a ‘pet’ off the leash, was there a city ordinance he was not aware of?

Then it dawned on him. No shadow was cast under Lewis and he had no reflection in the shop windows. Lewis was hiding.

This didn’t alarm Mystery, if it was Lewis’ wish to go unnoticed then he was entitled to that. For Mystery matters were complicated. Head up, chest puffed out, ears proud and forward facing. He had someplace to be and that was where he was headed. He observed that humans rarely bothered a dog with confidence, minding his or her own business and on their way to wherever dogs go. What humans did not trust was a timid, confused, lost creature that scuttled away from attention or drifted around. If he kept moving it would make tracking him difficult. Even so, he had his collar and tags and people would regard that and conclude he was just a regular out for a walk. He would be fine, and he had some notion of Lewis’ destination.

As predicted they arrived at the body shop where the van was left. Show Car Remake and Renew, a general garage and minor vehicle repairs. The main garage was a long gray building with a few windows along the uppermost walls, and the large shutter doors at the base drawn down and locked for the evening. The far side of the lot was overnight parking, the cars and trunks caged in by tall barbed wire fence. Mystery followed Lewis to the fence but was forced to wait, as his transparent companion slipped through the metal links and entered amongst the many vehicles.

Mystery lost sight of the ghost as his tall figure weaved around the portion of large vehicles and trunks. Mystery spun around and looked back to the road as the first streetlamps snapped on, cars sped by and after a short time of waiting the street quieted. It was getting late, the air grew colder. He sat down and gave the spot behind his ear a dedicated scratch, working to straighten out the hair bent there. He tensed when a white utility trunk drove by and seemed to slow down – at least to Mystery it looked like the vehicle was stopping – but no, the truck sped up and the dog let out a sigh. Never was the best time to run off and get lost somewhere in a strange city, with strange people, and strange beliefs.

Vivi and Arthur would be wondering where he was, if they had managed to reach the room by now. They shouldn’t worry, but Mystery admitted he was not immune to dangers, or the mild irritations offered by the few humans he could do without meeting.

The sudden awareness of a presence at his back caused Mystery to twist around. It was only Lewis, slipping through the large chain links in the fence. Mystery examined him over and noted the piece of cloth tangled in his hand. Ah.

Lewis looked at the cloth between his fingers as he untangled it. “Are you still afraid of me?” Mystery raises his snout higher and glares through his spectacles at Lewis. “Would it be enough if I apologized?” He unfolded and refolded the cloth and straightened out the creases to the best of his ability. It had been folded and pressed wrong for quite some time.

Mystery give a soft woof and steps back from Lewis. They should head back now. The dapper specter wouldn’t budge.

“You were there for Arthur,” Lewis whispered, traces of flames bud from his shoulders and hair. “But not for me. Why not? Why is it…?” He tightened his fist around the sad piece of cloth, “Why did I have to be the one abandoned?” He looked down when Mystery stepped forward and set a paw on his foot, the white face looked up at him. Before Lewis could utter a word, Mystery had whisked away and was already halfway across the parking lot, the faint tapping of his claws fade as the ghost stares after him.

He could have just haunted Arthur. Or he could have remained in his mansion, his sanctuary from the world ticking by with the tempo of the seasons cycling through, worlds moving; moon sweeping through crescent to quarter, harvest and back to the new moon. What time had passed while he had slumbered? Existing but not in a state of present, not dispersing but not fully cumulative either. A piece of himself was lost in every wedge of every day, not noticed and not missed. Small segments of his childhood, the places they frequented as kids, the warm smiles of his parents. How could he miss what he couldn’t reflect with? It may have been a process of Acceptance, or it just happened naturally. He ceased to worry, and he couldn’t care. The lethargy of simply existing drained him heavily, and he fed on the lone coal of his passion, his raison d'etre. What purpose, and what meaning had come to him, when the cycle of existence had evicted a squatter?

It was Mystery’s aura that had stirred him. That wild, untamed thing – a font of composer and class, with a writhing tangle of insanity that clawed for escape. He would know it anywhere, it was the last, and first thing he had latched onto before the fulcrum of his final volition had scattered. He didn’t remember much in that span of time between… before….

The light of the motel room was out. The curtains were drawn shut, as Vivi had left them, and the walls would be absolutely silent, if not for the dull rattle of the heater. Night was well upon the motel now, and Vivi and Arthur would not be far behind it. Without a thought Lewis pushed his palms into the cracked stucco of the wall, and allowed his unsubstantial shape to slither through the cold molecules of cheap drywall and plaster. Mystery gave a soft yap at his back as he faded, and then, the room was opened up before Lewis. The interior air warm from the buzzing heater in the wall, bags and a few essential supplies sat in grainy detail along one wall, the bed was overtaken by blues and yellows. Lewis turns back to the door and pulls the handle, but stood in the way when Mystery tried to nudge through and enter with him. Lewis picked up the piece of cloth he had dropped, but paused as Mystery searched for a way around him.

Somewhere in the parking lot below the walkway, Lewis could pick up on the soft warble of Vivi’s voice accompanied by the timid tones of Arthur’s speech. “Hold on,” Lewis murmured, as he shooed Mystery out of the threshold. “They’ll let you in, but I have something to do real quick.” Mystery stiffened when Lewis gave his scalp a comforting rub, an action Mystery was unaware of how much he missed. Mystery stepped away when Lewis straightened up and shut the door.

What… just happened?

Mystery whined. That was not fair! He scratched at the door and sniffed at the crack along the frame and listened for the muffled sounds from behind the door. He tugged at the handle, though he knew the door couldn’t be opened without a key.

“What up, Mystery?” Arthur was the first to ask. He stepped behind the dog and raised his knuckles to the door, rapping gently.

Vivi leaned down and hugged Mystery around his shoulders, plucking him up off his front feet as she rocked him. “Did Lew leave you outside?” Mystery whined and stared at Arthur, pleaded at Arthur’s back with his eyes. “I’ll talk to him about it, and we’ll fix this.” Mystery strained his whimpers, and Vivi took note of that tone in his voice. “D’you have a key, Art?”

“Hmm? Yeah, sure,” he muttered, as he began digging through his pockets. Arthur found the thin plastic card easily, and with one swipe the red light on the handle lock flicks to green. “Lew?” He asked softly as he pushed the door open, intent to enter before Vivi for once. “You left Mystery outside.” The heater of the room chattered as it stuttered off, and the dark plain before Arthur was left with the reverberations of its silence, along with the strange emptiness of the room. The scarce glow of the few streetlamps outside tumbled around his shoulders as he stood in the doorway. He was startled only briefly by his own reflection in the mirror, directly across from the doorway. “Damnit,” he gasped, and clutched at his chest as his heart pounded behind his ribs.

“Lew?” Vivi chimed in, as she and Mystery pressed in behind Arthur. She shuffled to the tall lamp stationed in one corner of the room and flipped the light on, coating the walls and floor with its pale white coat. “Are you here?” She had the impression that he was hiding for some reason. Vivi brushed past Arthur and crossed to the bathroom at the furthest side of the room. Mystery followed, sniffing along the bed and the corner of the wall.

There was nothing in the bathroom. The light blazed harshly over the white walls and plastic floor, a few bottles of shampoo sat around but mention nothing of guests. Vivi was usually comforted by the fragrant soaps, but she had only noticed them now when she was uneasy. It didn’t feel right. The bathroom heater came on with the light, but the air retained a chilled quality. The whole of the room felt reticent, inhospitable.

Vivi shut the light off and stepped out. She felt unnerved and was not certain where this sensation had crept out from, but it was there and she couldn’t shake it. She heard the door shut as Arthur entered fully, he cast his eyes over the walls and the short carpet as if anticipating Lewis to pop out from a surface at any given moment. Arthur sprang in place when Mystery poked his head up from the opposite side of the bed. Vivi shared a look with the white face, then their sight feel onto the bed.

The scent of fresh laundry overpowered the room, and Vivi with Mystery examined the shirts, skirts, and pants laid out over the bed covers where they wouldn’t wrinkle. Further evidence of Lewis’ presence was not visible, aside from the large leather jacket draped over the back of an uncomfortable armchair. On the table rests the room’s twin key card, beside a pair of dark purple sunglasses. There was nothing to suggest anyone had been in the room recently.

#msa #mystery skulls animated #msa fanfic #mystery skulls fanfic #msa fanfiction #msa lewis #msa arthur #msa mystery #msa vivi #mystery skulls fanfiction #msa ghost #mystery skulls

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milkybonya · 4 years ago

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aesthetic tag game

tagged by my dear @thelilyshope <3 <3 (taking a break from studying to do this!)

rules: bold the aesthetics you relate to and add twenty of your own aesthetic qualities for others to bold.

@tomoonine, @jfc-max, @hiddenclawsof, @yuthoe i tag youuu ! (but there is no obligation to do this :”) )

#no fics just kicks

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dyingunknown-blog · 5 years ago

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BEGINNINGS + GENDER

As said in the introduction: this is a selfish blog where I rant about myself and my feelings. Here goes my first ramble. Within this ramble contains bits of: gender, femininity, sexuality and eating disorders. Y’know, the usual mix of edgy Tumblr content. I am posting this in celebration of Pride Month (!!! YAY!!! I HONESTLY LOVE PRIDE MONTH) but also because I’ve had this build up in my heart for too long.

A NOTE BEFORE I BEGIN...

I know you (reader) cannot hear me doing this, so imagine me (author) taking a deep breath, filling my semi spacious lungs, and releasing all that pent up air with a heavy sigh.

Here we fucking go. Here’s to tip of the iceberg, from 4 years of pent up gay shit to recent moments of gentle gender dysmorphia. Do not expect my writing to be fully coherent, nor written in the best grammar. I am writing for my own therapeutic needs, because I gotta get some of this energy released and I have nowhere else to dump this. This piece is a full on rant, as in I literally wrote this angrily tapping away at 2-4 am. However, I’d like to mention that I mean no offence to any parties, and simply want to vent out some of the deep thoughts I’ve been pacing around for the past few years. Feel free to send me a message regarding your personal feelings, or to just chat. I’m always here as a friend and listener <3

WHERE IT ALL BEGAN...

I think I owe myself and you (reader) an explanation on where things began to really start. The main “spark” that got me going and prompted me to start this blog was when I found myself unable to stop playing songs by Dorian Electra. Actually-- to be honest-- it was the music videos that really got me going. The glorious explosion of just “QUEER” screaming and banging its head at my 13 inch Mac Book Pro got me extremely inspired to actually do something about the gross reactions of confusion that were occurring in my brain and body. As Dorian Electra put it, “You know I’m not straight, but I’m gonna give it straight to you.” So here’s my best shot at “giving it straight.”

By the way... I’m from a fairly traditional family with high hopes for me, so the most freedom I can really grasp onto is starting an anonymous Tumblr blog at 2 am laying naked with just my underwear on.

PERSONAL TOPIC 1: GENDER...

So here’s the thing, I stick to my biological birth gender like it’s my lifeline-- my comfort zone-- I guess, if anything. I personally feel like gender and sexuality have their own little symbiotic (or perhaps parasitic???) relationship, where one’s gender impacts their sexuality-- but I can also accept that my understanding is probably not politically correct. I can say, however, with a heavy heart:

I am utterly fucked when I think about my gender and sexuality.

I’ll take it easy first and rope down my feelings towards my gender and its definition. I jokingly scream in the halls that gender is a social construct, but let’s be honest-- is it not? Other than our dongle-longs and hoochie-has, what makes a woman different from a man? I mean maybe it is just the sausage and the grapefruit, but I’d like to argue that... Just kidding, the more I think about it the more I fall into a rabbit hole where I can’t figure out what a male is and what a female is. I mean what are they? Is it based off of the definition I provide for myself, or what society conveniently slams into my face? Is the LGBTQ+ community the people who get to decide or is it the Westboro Baptist Church???

Note: these are not a rhetorical question, please answer this to your opinion because I’m in desperate need of some kind of direction beyond biology. I accept all ideologies and concepts. I’m just hella confused.

Ehem.

Anyways, my own battle with gender goes beyond not knowing where the “line” is, or if it even exists (again, I’m still not sure if this is a personal question or something based on society...) It also goes into where I stand on this polarised scale. See-- I have a bean, a hole, and melons. Alas, in slightly more proper terms, I have a clitoris, vagina and breasts. So what does that mean for me? Am I automatically a woman? For the first 17 years of my life, I would respond to that question with a VERY confident nod. Pink was once my favourite colour, I like boys, dresses, cute animals and romcoms. My physical body only went to assure what I already knew. Now? I’m not so sure. As it is more acceptable nowadays to be “queer,” I’ve slid into the an identity crisis where I realise I’ve never revelled in the fact that I had tiddies, nor felt comfortable about having a coochie. I used to blame my confusion regarding my comfort in my biological gender on the growing queer influences in my life-- after all, everyone wants to be special and sometimes being apart of the LGBTQ+ community is the best way to stand out, especially when it’s being shoved in your face with media. Everyone who comes out of the closet is faced with incredible amounts of love and attention, and my younger self thought “maybe I should get on the boat” hence, labelling myself as bisexual for the longest time without truly feeling like I am (until in recent years.) I blamed my confusion in identity and sexuality on the attention whore who lived inside of my heart. My feelings were only justified as true this year, when I found myself staring at myself in the mirror and couldn’t help but to feel unhappy with what I presented myself with. Undies clad with a slightly cropped black muscle tank, I could see the linings of a “V” line on my lower abdomen and felt kinda hot about it. I did the annoying fuckboy pose (you know, the one where the guy is biting his shirt to reveal his oh-so-humble six pack) and found it... kinda fun? I did have a 36D underboob flail around, but my focus was more on my bottom half, with my Victoria Secret blue lace underwear and masculine illusion. It wasn’t like a grand glorious moment, nor was it like I was the tomboy of the house and everyone just “knew” and I only had to convince myself. Instead, it was an anti-climatic moment where I realised “fuck, I have another problem on my hands that I can’t ignore anymore.”

I don’t know if I truly identify as female or male. Honestly, I don’t really think I need to identify myself, but that’s the 30% of my consciousness who is super queer, chill and cool. See, the other 70% of my mind is going in a frenzy screaming, because I just lost one of my key defining attributes. Think that episode of Spongebob, where Spongebob’s brain cells are screaming and throwing papers around the office setting of his brain.

Another question has also become increasingly relevant in my journey of finding my “true inner zen self.”

Who am I choosing my gender for?

In 2018, and most of the years before, I adored being loved by boys and having guys waggle their dicks like dog tails for my tits and ass, but in 2019, I randomly figured out that I never liked my boobs for anything but that. I mean having an hourglass figure was always (and still is) a goal of mine, but I question for what reason. I’d like to say it’s for personal aesthetic appeal, but it wouldn’t be surprising to me if I just do it so people will like me more. In fact, I battled with bulimia for the very reason of: I don’t know what the fuck I want or like, but the crowd likes “skinny thick” girls so lets do that by purging. Am I currently wearing a waist trainer and corset on top of each other because I like the outcome, or because the people around me like me more for it? I’m trying really hard not to segue into the alluring topic of toxic femininity, because I can rant for HOURS AND PAGES about that, so I’ll just say: I don’t know if I’m being a girl for myself or because I’ll be more liked for it.

In all honesty, the truth regarding my gender became clearer the more I self conscious I became. In 2018, I fell into the trap of sending boys nudes (apologies for the TMI and sorry family if you somehow came across my blog and are currently reading this.) I liked it for a millisecond. Why? Because it felt good to have someone desperate for me. That millisecond died off real fast. My own thoughts pooped my nude Alpha Female party with insecurity and fear of how my body compares to other girls my age. Three days after the first nude I sent I realised I hate my body. I felt empowered in the moment (honestly I do love the feeling of tease. I still do send ohohoho raunchy pics for the pure euphoria of just having someone crave me) but overall just left the experience with lingering guilt and self hatred. I wasn’t sure if I was doing this to please myself or others. I also abhor taking nudes, because I do not think I embody femininity and dislike my body for that very reason. Identifying as male makes me far more comfortable than as identifying as a female. I might have tits, I might have soft facial features, but I just don’t like how I mentally feel like I can’t compare to the unrealistic standard of femininity that women uphold. I spent my whole life trying to tick the boxes under “female,” but always felt like I was just doing the bare minimum... Hence my past is full of desperation, the need to show skin for the sake of proving I’m “sexy” and being perfectly fine with getting mislabeled as a slut at school. Nowadays, I show skin because I’m comfortable and am learning to love my body. I am not okay with slut shaming in general, but I am most definitely not okay with being called a slut either because I’m still a fucking virgin. So hun, I really do wish I could call myself a slut and have that much game, but I’m very far from that.

Anyways, uh more on my gender crisis: I’ve also always adored mens fashion and absolutely revel the aura of being the “alpha.” Ever since my middle school days, I’d secretly snoop around and envy the men’s section of Barney’s and Saks, because it just looks so damn cool. Excuse my lack of “high quality language,” I can hear my English teacher sighing about my lack of “professional” or “appropriate” language, but I really can’t express my feelings regarding mens fashion other than it’s fucking cool. I must say though, my style of clothing and expression of self doesn’t stop itself at mens fashion. In fact, I enjoy dressing to exhort a more dominant presence, whether it’s with a short denim skirt and tight crop top or a loose fitting silk blouse and skinny jeans with a belt. So I guess in a way, my fashion and what I feel comfortable in explains my gender for me. A little bit of both and a little bit of neither. Although the next step would definitely be playing around with my hair and piercing, but I think my traditional family would whoop my ass to the moon if I do it now, and I can’t say I’m not scared of regrets. I just want to discover myself a little more this year...

Regardless, I just wanna further clarify that I don’t feel comfortable being put as female, male or hell-- even androgynous.

And I gotta say, after holding this in and denying it for 4 years, it feels damn good to type it out and admit it.

In deciding to be a “gender”, there are standards. Deciding to be anything comes with the price of standards. I just can’t personally handle not being able to fit into the standards there are for them... Especially now since people are so bothered on being politically correct, so if I’m “not being properly androgynous” or “not properly female,” I’ll get shit on, and if I’m not accepted by the mass majority, I’ll feel societal hate mixed with self hatred.

I also want to say that sometimes I don’t feel like I have the right to be confused or declare a gender because I’ve been on the judgemental side before.

In middle school one of my close friends moved away, and soon later began to label themselves as gender fluid. It was such a new concept that I initially thought that they were doing it as a publicity stunt, but slowly realised that it is indeed who they are. I wasn’t hateful, but I can’t say I’m innocent, even if it was when I was far younger and less understanding. I remember when they first started using their current pronouns, I was confused on how to utilise them and initially disregarded them. Today, I regret my ignorance. Misgendering can always be a mistake, but it can also be extremely spoiled, belittling and condescending. So even though I know someone that probably went through a similar journey as I am today, I feel guilty asking them about it because of the shit I gave them when I was 14.

Additionally, I’m scared of being wrong about myself. I can’t describe it too well, but I’m just scared that I’ll slip up a wrong opinion and then be automatically thrown into the can of “special snowflake wannabe LGBTQ+” when in reality: I truly feel like I’m not of “cisgender” or anything normal. I don’t want to dip too deep into my history with crippling anxiety and experiences with depression, but I will say that I can’t help but to hate myself for being queer too.. Alas, I’ll have to learn how to get over that and continue loving myself, but what the hell am I going to do now? 2k words later and things aren’t exactly clearer, but I can (somewhat) confidently say that I know what I’ll do (for now.)

As of today, June 17, 2019, I have decided to not give a fuck and to simply just identify with the LGBTQ+ community. I don’t feel comfortable identifying as male, female, neither, both, gender fluid, or anything else. I will simply put off gender and let people call me by whatever pronoun they want.

I just wanna be me.

Until I find out something else, or become more comfortable with myself, or gather the confidence to “come out of the closet” and stop being so selfish and finally decide what the hell I am, it’ll probably just be like this for awhile.

And honestly? I think I’m okay with that.

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lalainajanes · 6 years ago

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@thetourguidebarbie and I were complaining about the Polyvore alternatives and I found this truly awful dress on one. Celeb AU fluff was born.

Lookin’ Sharp

She’s exhausted, the consultation she’s walked out of had been a battle, one she’d had to smile through. Caroline’s dealt with difficult people before, had eagerly tackled this latest job. She’d never been one to back down from a challenge but then she’s never met a woman who thought a shapeless shiny mint green caftan was a good look for a Golden Globes after party.

Until today.

She really should have listened to Kat when she’d warned Caroline that socialites were the worst people to style. Caroline had brushed off the words at the time, figuring that her client’s reputation – sweet, agreeable, super committed to using her dad’s money to help ex-cons – would mean she’d be an easy paycheck. She’s mentally listing jewelers who like her, hoping she can find a necklace spectacular enough to distract from the chosen dress’ awfulness. She’s thinking diamonds the size of golf balls might do the trick.

“It’s a lost cause, you know.”

Caroline’s heart lurches when the words ring out, her body tensing. She whirls, dropping the armful of garment bags she’d been lugging out to her car. She hadn’t recognized the voice – she’s never heard Klaus Mikaelson say so many words at once. At least not in real life.

He’s a few paces behind her, hands up and a contrite expression on his distractingly handsome face. “Apologies,” he murmurs.

She relaxes, but not completely. She’s pretty sure Klaus isn’t going to stuff her into a trunk but he’s still a very big deal for a girl trying to make a name for herself in Hollywood. Caroline presses a hand over her chest, takes a deep breath. “You scared me. Do they teach you how to walk like a sneaky ghost when you sign up to play a superhero or something?”

He smiles, “I wasn’t making an effort to be silent. Perhaps you were just preoccupied?”

That’s possible. The fitting she’d just left had not gone well. A client who flat out refused to listen to sense, who appeared to see something vastly different than Caroline did when she looked in a mirror, was proving to be really freaking frustrating.

But she couldn’t exactly tell the client’s boyfriend that, could she?

She pastes on a sunny smile, “Well, award’s season’s just about to go into full swing. I have a lot on my plate. I’m sure you’re very busy too.”

Caroline hopes that’s a subtle enough hint. She’s curious about why he’s followed her out, hadn’t been lying about having an extensive to do list. She’s positive she hadn’t forgotten anything, that the four trips between condo and parking garage haven’t been in vain. She can’t exactly go making demands though, not from a guy whose next movie is projected to have a 100 million dollar opening weekend.

“Not for a few weeks yet,” Klaus says, crouching to gather her scattered things. Caroline hurriedly follows, brushing off the pebbles and dust from the bags he hands her. “I’m just supposed to smile for the cameras and look pretty. Make people forget about the… incident in Las Vegas.”

She chances a glance at him, unsure of how to react to that statement. She’d never have thought he’d make such a direct reference.

Caroline knew there’s no way she’d be able to be blasé if photos of her naked body had been splashed all over the internet. Then again, she’d never play strip poker with total strangers.

It hadn’t quite been a full frontal shot - Klaus had been lucky, and a champagne bottle had been left on an end table - saving the pics from being fully NC-17. Had circumstances been different they might not have even caused a stir. Klaus Mikaelson’s resume had a couple of racy film and TV appearances from before he’d left England on it, not that Caroline had googled him.

Okay, fine. She hadn’t googled him recently. And she definitely hasn’t watched the compilation of all his sex scenes on YouTube since she’d met him in person.

Unfortunately for Klaus (and really unfortunately for his publicists) the timing of the photos of his drunken debauchery leaking couldn’t have come at a worse time.

He’d been voicing a character in an animated feature when they’d come out, a gruff but loveable lone wolf who learned about the power of friendship. That, plus a superhero blockbuster on deck, meant he had to appeal to the broadest audience possible.

The pictures were the opposite of wholesome, damage control was necessary. He’d been volunteering with soup kitchens, had adopted a rescue dog. Had gone public with a relationship, one with a textbook good girl, and had been seen holding hands and getting fro-yo and generally being snuggly.

In public, at least. In private, from what Caroline’s observed, the relationship isn’t the warmest. Klaus has usually been in the background, glued to his phone and making noncommittal grunts when asked for an opinion.

Caroline’s not sure how to address the Vegas incident without putting her foot in her mouth so she decides to go back to his original statement. She straightens, folding the stack of dresses over her arm, “What did you mean about a lost cause?”

He’s edged closer when he stands. She keeps her eyes trained on his face, not on the way the fine weave of his shirt clings to his shoulders. “Just that your work’s not going to end up on any best dressed lists. You’ve tried to steer her towards flattering and age appropriate but she’s remarkably convinced her perspective is the right one. It’s not just clothes, if it’s any consolation. It’s everything.”

Wow. It certainly seemed like there was trouble in paradise. Caroline does her best to be diplomatic, “Personal style is a funny thing, I guess.”

He grins, head tipping to the side, “That’s an impressive non-answer. My publicist would be proud.”

“It’s a gossipy industry. Badmouthing clients is going to lead to fewer opportunities not more.”

His eyes sharpen, “Ah, speaking of opportunities, I’d wondered if you might do me a favor.”

A favor? That seems suspicious. “What kind?”

He laughs softly, “Nothing nefarious, love. I’d merely like a ride.”

“A ride?” she repeats, eyes shifting over to the black SUV she knows belongs to Klaus.

“In your backseat. Covered in a few of the bags you brought with you. Passed the paparazzi that are staked out on this block. They need to think I’ve spent the night, you see. And I’d really rather not.”

This conversation just got weirder and weirder. “Did you… I mean, it’s not any of my business if you guys are fighting but maybe talking it out would be better than fleeing?”

He looks at her as if she’s said something crazy. “We don’t talk. Well, no more than necessary.”

“Sounds like a healthy relationship,” Caroline quips. Her eyes widen and her teeth snap shut in horror. Had she seriously just said that? She’s so freaking fired.

Klaus surprises her though. He laughs again, louder this time, the sound echoing off the concrete walls around them. She’s confused, and frozen, unwilling to say anything that might make things even worse. When he calms he shifts closer, relieving her of some of the bags. “We’re not in a relationship, sweetheart. Not really. It’s a contract. A mutually beneficial agreement. I raise her profile, she makes me look like a fine upstanding citizen. Everybody wins.”

Huh. While Caroline knows those kind of arrangements happen, at least intellectually, she’d never expected to be a party to one. “That sounds…”

“Awkward?” Klaus supplies, “tedious? I can assure you it’s both. We’ll have an amicable breakup in April, pledge to stay friends. I’ll be done with press and can disappear for a bit.”

A thought occurs to Caroline, one that she doesn’t like. “Wait, did you fake adopt a dog too? Because that’s not cool.” She’d seen snaps of him walking the dog, some kind of Labrador mutt, and it’s really freaking cute.

“No, Munch was legally and truly adopted. He’s likely being given too many treats by my assistant as we speak.

Caroline nods sharply, satisfied, and fishes out her keys so she can pop the trunk of her car. “Good. If you were a faking a dog adoption I’d have to assume you’re a garbage person and I would not let you in my backseat.”

“Big fan of dogs, are you?”

“In theory, yes. Not in practice just yet.”

She begins loading up, carefully arranging things for maximum space use. She feels Klaus watching her carefully but she focuses on her task. Now that she knows he’s single the little devil on her shoulder is urging her to flirt. Whispering that the worst thing that would happen is that he wouldn’t reciprocate.

And if he did? Well, Caroline wouldn’t mind seeing him naked again. Would be seriously onboard with touching him while he was naked.

“Perhaps you’d like to meet him? You could come in for a bit once you’ve dropped me off?” he asks.

Caroline rears back, nearly hitting her head on the open trunk.

Klaus makes a soft noise, concerned, and his palm brushes over the back of her head, lowering to settle on her shoulder. “Careful. No need to injure yourself. I’d much rather we have dinner than take a trip to the emergency room.”

Maybe she had hit her head. “Dinner?” she parrots. “Like, together?”

He nods, a smile curling his lips. His thumb strokes her neck, an absent gesture that’s unfairly distracting. “You, me, the dog begging for crumbs. We’re working on it but his manners aren’t the best just yet. If that goes well I hope you’ll agree to do it again sometime.”

Clearly, Caroline hadn’t needed to talk herself out of flirting. Klaus didn’t share her qualms. Unless this was another step in his image rehab. She shifts back until he’s no longer touching her, crossing her arms. “Is this another contract kind of thing? Dating someone who’s not super rich so you seem down to earth?”

Klaus denial is immediate, “No, nothing like that. I’ve just spent an awful lot of time studying your face, wondering at the comments you’ve been holding back. Your face is remarkably easy to read when you’re frustrated.”

Whoops. Caroline makes a note to work on that. Her clients were a self-absorbed group but it’s possibly someone would notice her inner screaming at some point and she couldn’t have that. At least not until she’s more established. “I suppose I could eat,” Caroline says slowly.

Klaus expression warms, his pleasure evident. “Lovely. Just let me program my address into your phone.”

Caroline hands it over willingly, doesn’t shy away from the brush of his fingers against hers, letting her body brush against his more than necessary as she returns to packing up.

Half-assing things isn’t in her nature. If Caroline’s going to flirt (and oh boy is she ever) she’s going to do it right.

#klaroline #klaroline drabbles #a break from all the smut

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harrycook · 6 years ago

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June 12th 2018 was my 27th birthday.

Here are 27 things I feel like I have learnt about life so far:

1. Don’t Argue With Stupid People.

You get nowhere. It’s like playing scrabble with a dog, no matter how well you play, the dog will end up shitting on the board and walking away like he won anyway.

2. Eat The Damn Cake.

Yes I know that eating right and exercise is important for your health, but if you are in the vicinity of a cake or delicious bite of something, just eat it.

3. Working Is A Part Of Life, Not The Entirety Of Life.

Unless you adore what you do for a living and it is your pasison and life’s mission, take a deep breath and don’t take it all so seriously. At the end of the day, a job is to pay the bills and have pocket money to go and enjoy yourself when you’re not working. Unless you are genuinely passionate about your career, don’t sweat it. Don’t break your back worrying about a job that would replace you within a week if you dropped dead.

4. Don’t Take Anything Seriously, Seriously.

Unless you are performing open heart surgery or have the cure for cancer in your back pocket, lighten the fuck up. No matter what your job is, ask yourself if it will matter in 100 years? If not, giggle and let it go. The world won’t stop spinning if you miss a deadline or make a mistake. Breathe. It’s all good.

5. Ignorance Is A Choice.

Yes. It’s 2018. There is no excuse for ignorance or stupidity when we have more information on our phones than a public library. If you don’t understand something, research it. Pick up a book, scan the internet, question everything, especially the news. Be curious, ask questions and most of all, don’t be lazy. Educate yourself so the world can be full of kinder, more worldly individuals who know what they are talking about.

6. Throw Away Anything You Thought You Knew That Doesn’t Sit Well With Your Values.

We grow up in a society that feeds us garbage from the moment we enter the world. Boys are taught to be one way and girls are taught to be another. It’s a system that hasn’t changed in hundreds of years because society wants us to constantly keep within the mold. Screw that. Break the mold and let people be who they want to be. Go after a job you want, not what society wants for you. Travel, see the world, stop worrying about what everyone else is doing and go after the stuff that means something to you.

7. Laugh At Every Chance You Get.

Nothing beats a good belly laugh. Plus, it’s also extremely healthy. Laugh as often as you can. This goes straight back to the not taking anything seriously thing. Giggle more. It works wonders for the soul.

8. Get A Hobby.

The past year I have picked up the piano again (not literally 'picked it up', obviously, but started learning again), attempted to learn Spanish, set a goal of reading a book a fortnight (up to book 25) and started working out a minimum of three times a week. Each year older I start realising how quickly time goes and how many amazing things are at my disposal to learn or try.

9. Read The News, Then Read It Again, And Then Research Some More.

Don't take anything at face value. Just because the news tells you one thing, don't take it as gospel. These news shows are run by multibillionaire white men and corporations with agendas. Don't take it at face value. Look in to things. Read as much as you can and become your own private investigator for the truth. Just because a news show says something, doesn't make it fact.

10. Read More.

Nothing opens up the heart and mind more than a good book. The excuse of not having enough time to read doesn't cut it. Instead of watching an hour of Netflix, take an hour to open a good book. It's good for the soul. Trust me.

11. Get A Pet.

YASSSSSSS. Get a dog. Then get another dog. Then when you think you simply can't handle the amount of snuggles you are getting, get another dog!! In all seriousness, dogs are extremely good for your health. They reduce stress and anxiety, boost happiness and are wonderful snuggle buddies. Adopt don't shop! There are plenty of rescue animals in need of good homes.

12. Sometimes People Hurt You. It Sucks.

Yes. Sometimes the people you never in a bazillion years thought could hurt you, will hurt you terribly. I had an experience in recent years with extended family that completely shifted my entire outlook on people in general. Sadly, some of the people you think you know are far from what you think. It sucks, yes, but once you acknowledge it, it slowly stops hurting. You can move on with your life when you realise that sometimes a wake-up call is all you need to realise that you're better off without certain people in your life. And that's totally ok.

13. Log Off. Often.

The age of social media is WONDERFUL for so many reasons. Keeping in contact with people, viewing beautiful content, learning things with a click and the hours and hours of streamable content are all fantastic reasons to use social media. But on the flip side, it can also be an information overload and I highly advise switching off, taking a bath and leaving your phone somewhere away from you for a few hours. It can't be healthy getting a constant stream of negative news 24/7. So unplug. Those cute puppy pics will be there when you get back.

14. Exercise.

I know, I know, YUCK. Exercise isn't the most fun of activities, and I am the first to admit that whenever I heard someone say "but the endorphins are good for your happiness levels" I'd roll my eyes so far back in my head I could see my brain. But it's completely and utterly true. Just a 40 minute run 3 times a week has improved my mood ten fold. I've suffered with depression, anxiety and addiction for years, but exercise allows me to completely refresh and enjoy the day on a belly full of endorphins. Do it for the feeling you get, not to achieve some unattainable body. It works a treat. Trust me.

15. Napping Is AMAZING.

Yes. Napping is one of the best damn things to do. Nothing beats an afternoon nap. It refreshes you for the rest of the day and is a great way to reboot the system. Don't let people tell you otherwise. It's bloody fantastic.

16. Journal.

I've written a journal since I was ten years old and looking back on all the adventures, worries, achievements and memories throughout the years is something I cherish so incredibly much. Studies have shown that journalling is really healthy for the mind and soul. Grab a notebook and get doodling.

17. Take Photos.

If taking selfies is your thang, go for it. If taking pictures of trees, animals or the sunset gets you going, snap away. Taking photos is therapeutic for a number of reasons, but most of all it's a lovely way to document your life with things to look back on. Get snapping.

18. Never Think You Know It All.

It's easy to be arrogant when we are conditioned all our lives with things we are expected to believe. "Boys should do this", "girls should do that". But just because we've been taught it from a society that has never been challenged to think differently, doesn't make it right. Question everything. Stay curious. Look into things and don't dismiss stuff you know nothing about. Not only is it a really ugly personality trait, it gets you nowhere in life. Opening your mind and heart is a surefire way of experiencing life in all its' beauty.

19. Go After What You Want In Life.

Jim Carey did a graduation speech about his father who never went after his dreams because he wanted to do the ‘safe thing'. Have a 'stable' career that would provide for his family. From memory, his father failed and lost everything in his 'stable' career. The moral being that if you are going to fail at something, at least let it be something you love, because the fact is it is just as possible to fail at something you hate. Give it a go. Life is too short to not go after what you want.

20. Travel. Travel. Travel.

See the world. It'll show you that we humans are all the same. It replaces ignorance with knowledge and shows you how vast our planet is. Get out there.

21. Someone Who Is Nice To You But Not Nice To The Waiter Is Not A Nice Person.

I love this quote because it's so damn true. Don't be a dick to service people. Don't think you're better than anyone because you're not. End of story. Period.

22. Get Over Yourself.

Sort of a continuation of the above, this is just a reminder to get over yourself, have a giggle and realise that just because you have a fancy car, a nice suit or well manicured hands means absolutely sweet F.A. Being a good person, showing kindness, empathy and caring about the planet and human beings as a whole is what counts in my books. Just be a good person. It's that simple.

23. Tell Your Loved Ones You Love Them And Don’t Go To Bed Angry.

Pretty self explanatory this one, but all the same, something to remember constantly. Life is far too short to go to bed angry at someone. Throw away silly arguments and tell the people you care about how you feel.

24. Screw What People Think Of You.

I mean it. Who cares what someone else thinks of you? That's their stuff. How they perceive you and how they feel about you is none of your business. Water off a ducks' back. Let it go.

25. Try Not To Worry So Much.

I know. Easier said than done, but sometimes it helps to take a step back, take a deep breath in and ask a few key questions: Can I do anything to change the current situation? If yes, do it. If not, let it go. Breathe through it and remember all we ever have is right in this moment.

26. Meditate.

YASSSSSSSSS times a million. Meditating is one of the most powerful things I have ever learnt in my 27 years on this planet. Taking a moment to just sit and reflect and focus on the here and now is one of the most intensely wonderful ways of reconnecting to what matters. There are a million different apps you can use or simply sit and count your breaths. It works wonders.

27. Life is what you make it, but most of all it’s about love.

Love, family, friends and making memories is the most important thing in life. Every year on this earth I realise more and more how utterly stupid it is to worry about material things. Now, I'm not saying you shouldn't enjoy material stuff whatsoever, but it shouldn't be what you go after in life. Nobody ever gets to the end of their life clutching on to their Chanel bag. The things that matter are the people you love and the memories you make.

So go for a walk, take in the view, have a laugh and breathe in every moment of every day. It's all we ever have.

- Harry.

#blog #blogger #life #lifeblog #blogs #read #writer #write #writing #truth #true #sotrue #lifelessons #too true #blogging #life blog #life lesson #lifestyle

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brown-rice · 7 years ago

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Tagged by @cafe-et-tiramisu for the “Truths Tag” thing (*・∀-)☆

Rules: Once you’ve been tagged, you respond with truths about you and choose 25 people to be tagged.

Tagging @transbakugoukatsuki @rmxstudiojd @leetaliel @kronchip @disney-princess-izuku @bean-paste-man @maytheamazing if you wanna do it.

I wrote so much OTL

Last:

Drink: Earl grey tea + milk

Phone Call: My sister telling me she was outside w/ my boba and food

Text Message: From my new friend Dean asking for help on the lab and about watching Violet Evergarden

Song you listened to: Kyouran Hey Kids!! - The Oral Cigarettes

Time you cried: Uhhhhh Tuesday morning having a meltdown over my midterms :^)

Have you ever:

Dated someone twice: If cheesy middle school romances count, then yeah

Been cheated on: Hmm, no even tho we were together all but in name

Kissed someone and regretted it: OML YEAH FUCK THAT GUY FROM AX

Lost someone special: Oh yep, last year I lost a lot of close friends b/c we’d just grown too far apart and they didn’t care about me anymore

Been depressed: /sweats nervously

Been drunk and thrown up: During fam reveal, I went too hard and overdid it, but was also proud b/c my limit is higher than I thought it would be KEK

In the past year have you:

Made a new friend: I made quite a few chill friends from the server and have slowly been making friends here and there at school!

Fallen out of love: I think so, I was in love w/ my childhood friend for a long amount of time, but I feel alright about it now

Met someone who changed you?: I don’t think I’ve met just one person who changed me since the “me” now is a culmination of my experiences/interactions w/ a lot of people

Found out who your true friends are: Sort of, although a little unfortunately haha. I’m thankful for those that did stick by me, but it resulted in me realizing that some people I thought would be a “true friend” were just taking advantage of me. srry im still a little salty/bitter abt this but im working thru it

Found out someone was talking about you: Yeah? Past hs me would have been really mad about it, but current me doesn’t care enough lol

General:

How many people on tumblr do you know in real life?: I know quite a few friends from band and high school, my server friends (who I’ve seen in pics or have heard in calls), and mutuals I’ve messaged

Do you have any pets?: YES I LOVE MY DOG HACHI, we also have a lot of fish in tanks and the koi pond back home. By extension, my roommate’s cat Sake is pretty much my cat now huehueh

Do you want to change your name?: Nope, I’ve never been much fixated on it besides how long my full name is

What time did you wake up this morning?: I technically didn’t sleep since I was studying for my ochem midterm and i got my ass handed to me in test form anyway

What were you doing last night?: procrastinating, lab hw, and studying for ochem

Name something you cannot wait for: On a smaller scale: AX. Long term: I just wanna be out of school, in a job that I kinda like and is stable enough so that I can commission all my friends and finally have a place of my own that I can decorate and call home without feeling lonely or suffocated

Have you ever talked to a person named Tom?: My brother-in-law’s name is Tom haha

What’s getting on your nerves right now?: Mainly classes and school since I still feel wrong about my career path, I had to drop a class, and my anal chem lab is frustrating the shit out of me. I miss cc

Blood type: I’m pretty sure it’s O+, but it could be O-

Nickname: Besides “Steph,” I’ve had a lot of nicknames over the years. Memorable ones are Stephie/Stephy, Steve, Vending Machine, Beanie Head, and “mom.” Neko and Mocha told me to add “daddy” and I die a little inside

Relationship status: Single and don’t really care to mingle LMAO

Zodiac sign: Ox and Cancer w/ Gemini ascendant

Pronouns: She/her, but don’t mind they/them

Favorite show: If we’re talking actual TV then Friends, B99, ATLA, Chopped, Voltron, Gravity Falls, and Danny Phantom. If it’s anime then /sweats as I look at all these shows

College: Transfer student from Mt. Sac now going to UCSD and i wanna mcfuckin die ayyy lmao

Hair color: It’s dark brown/black w/ light brown where the sun hits

Do you have a crush on someone?: Currently no, but I am low key flirting with Dean oops

What do you like about yourself?: Maybe the fact that it’s very hard to make me legit mad, but beyond that /sweats profusely

Firsts:

First surgery: Unless wisdom teeth removal counts, none yet

First Piercing: My mom got my ears pierced when I was like 1

First sport you joined: I think I took karate for a little in 4th grade?? I joined tennis and marching band at the same time officially in 8th grade

First vacation: Hmmm, I think I remember one of the first things we did when we came to America was go to Disneyland

First pair of sneakers: Oddly enough I remember my little slip-on Sketchers that were purple and white with pink, purple, and blue flowers

Right now:

Eating: Dino nuggets /w bbq sauce, and I might make some noodles b/c I’m still so hungry oml

Drinking: A fresh cup of early grey + milk

Listening to: Whatever’s playing in the DJ booth, which is Reach You - Sako Tomohisa

Want kids?: At some point yeah, I’m also pretty sure I’m gonna adopt at least 1 kid whether I have my own or not

Get married?: Maybe. That’s a problem for future me, but if I happen to meet someone(s) good for me, then sure

Career: After bouncing around a bit, I think I’ve settled into chemistry for forensics w/ specialization in pharmacology and toxicology. It still doesn’t feel quite right to me, but it’s the best I’ve got

Which is better?:

Lips or eyes?: Eyes, since I think eye contact can tell you a lot about a person

Hugs or kisses?: Hugs, but I’m big on personal space and barely accept hugs from even my closest friends, plus there’s some weird belief that I don’t like hugs?? and idk where that came from

Shorter or taller: I oddly like being the shortest person in a group?? So I prefer if people are taller than me

Troublemaker or hesitant: Troublemaker, I really can’t stand it when people are super hesitant or can’t make decisions. I’m rly tired of having to make decisions all the time

Romantic or spontaneous: Both, but I think I lean a little more towards spontaneity since I’m a person who likes careful planning. Romance is whatever for me, so I’d rather have someone push me to be a little more spontaneous

Sensitive or loud: A balance of both would be preferable, but if I had to pick, then loud. I’m a lot more introverted than I was before and prefer if people are a little more extroverted than I am but have a level of chill where silences are comfortable

Hookup or relationship?: Relationship. I don’t really do hookups. I know I could, and I’ve been asked to before, but I’m not really big on sex

Have you ever:

Kissed a stranger: Technically AX boy counts b/c I met him 2 days before we made out lmao

Drank hard liquor: Yeah, but I’m not super big on drinking and just enjoy a smirnoff ice/mike’s hard every so often

Lost contacts/glasses: Nope, surprisingly I haven’t lost my glasses yet

Sex on first date: Likely never, they’d have to be someone who I mesh with super well for that to happen

Broken someone’s heart: A few yeah. Apparently I broke my friend’s roommate so bad that every time he’d drink he’d just talk about how I was the one who got away

Been arrested: Not yet

Turned someone down: /sweats Yeah, a lot. I don’t mean this in a bragging way, because I always feel ridiculously bad about it, but my friends joke about me being “unattainable” and a heart-breaker all the time _(:3」∠)_

Fallen for a friend: I’ve only ever fallen for close friends oops

Do you believe:

In yourself?: Not at all

Love at first sight?: I think it’s out there, just not for me

#tagged #personal #about me #ty for the tag friend #just chilling before maybe another nap and then i get up to do actual work LMAO

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hansolsdeliciousanus-remade · 7 years ago

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100 reasons to love Hansol

because i tell you so

sm doesn’t appreciate him

so you should

he’s such a talented dancer

every time he posts a new dance video on instagram my heart stops for a minute

like wow such smooth moves

his hip thrusts

hahahhahahahahahha im having palpitations just thinking about them

and he likes to sing along while he’s dancing

the miss you fan cam

and the little bit where he flirts with ten and yuta gets jealous

his singing voice is so soft and precious and lovely

even though we only heard it once

his voice in general

its so low and soothing

especially when he was speaking satoori in that one promotional video

he doesn’t say much but when he does talk its always a fucking treat

that one time he did a squirtle impression

any of his impressions are a blessing

and the video of kun teaching him to speak chinese

he looks very good in denim

and hoodies

and green

ji hansol owns the colour green

he’s just a simple weeb

loves anime maybe a bit too much

like find someone who loves you as much as hansol loves naruto

and yusol

he’s a good old yusol shipper

his reaction when he found out yuta was his secret santa

his unorganized instagram that keeps me living

even though he doesn’t post consistently

when he posts old things from rookie era on instagram and leaves us all wondering what the fuck it means

when he went to paris

and became a daily vlogger

his adorable little smile

even though he covers it a lot

and when he smiles really wide and his cheeks turn into shiny apples

his cheeks in general

i wana poke them

and his really soft lips

like seriously he needs to introduce nct to lip balm cause they are crusty boys

and his adorable cupids bow

and his gorgeous big eyes

he looks really good in eyeliner

his eyelashes are so long im jealous

and his cute little nose

his uneven nostrils yes i pay attention to his nostrils. one of them is bigger than the other

and the boy has Good brows

the short brown hair era that was a blessing to us all

his looonnnggg legs

his butt

no but seriously

he has a cute butt

he’s really really cute

and doesn’t even have to try to do aegyo he’s just naturally adorable

even tough his soul leaves his body when he’s asked to do it

‘manly man from busan’

when really he’s just a shy boy who wants to be loved

and he’s low key weird

the video of him and yongju at karaoke and his inner hype man is exposed

the rest of nct said he’s the funniest along with yuta and donghyuck

how he used to interact with fans on twitter

god the twitter mentions parties were a gift

he’s high key dumb

and if you don’t believe me remember that time during the smrookies shows when he was meant to take a picture with a fan

and he starting trying to take pictures of the fan

annddd that time he called kun, ten

anddd he forgets choreo seconds after he’s learnt it

annddd the promotional video with taeyong where he kept messing up the pronunciation

annddd when he did a digimon impression during the rookies shows and everyone was like ‘wtf hansol’

annnddd when he was leaving the hotel in thailand with johnny but forgot something and just left johnny mid sentence and sprinted back

anyway he’s dumb trust me

how he is such a good dad to the minis

especially jaemin

ab bros

like seriously they are so adorable together

his dogs

how much he loves his dogs

the fact that he called one of his dogs doggo

and likes to dress them up

when he choked on a chili in thailand and everyone just laughed at him

was trying to act all tough and it back fired

when he saved tutorials of how to draw caricatures on his phone so he could draw them on the smrookies posters

he’s actually too precious

that one time he said he as going to wear a couple jacket to school that says ‘im gay’

i have receipts if you don’t believe me

his cute chubby pics from when he was like 12

SO MUCH MELANIN

he is a selfie king

such visuals

many peace signs

✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️✌️

like he needs to stop with the peace signs

anyway

ji hansol is a mystery

and causes a lot of pain and tears

but its all worth it

cause he deserves so much love

so please love ji hansol :)

#i love him so much #and i could write a thousand reasons why i love him #but heres 100 #ji hansol #hansol #nct #smrookies

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fume-knight-of-shovelry · 8 years ago

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Overwatch Pokemon teams

Going off of my previous post where I attached types to each of the pre-Orisa heroes, I’ve also been working on making potential teams for everyone. Orisa will come at some point.

A couple of rules I made for myself:

1: No duplicate Pokemon across multiple heroes

2: No legendaries.

3: Fully evolved Pokemon only. These are the teams I think they’d be using by the end of the game, or possibly online, and those pokemon are generally fully evolved except for a few Eviolite users or at much lower tiers.

List is under the cut!

Ana

This was one of the easiest. Arbok and Cofagrigus refer back to the Ancient Egyptian imagery of Wadjet and Sarcophagi, the former of which is part of Ana’s tattoos and the latter of which is part of her heritage that she seems to hold dear. Musharna is a reference to her tranquilizing capabilities, while Flygon and Delphox fit the more general desert setting of her home. And, obviously, her status as Pharah’s mother makes Kangaskhan a perfect fit.

Bastion

Another simple one. Magnezone is a robot with multiple sets of eyes, like Bastion, and terrifying long-range firepower. Swellow is the closest thing to Ganymede I could find out of any of the fully-evolved regional birds. Trevenant lets smaller creatures live in/on it, like Bastion, and Bastion is also shown to like flowers like Florges. Like Dragonite, Bastion is incredibly powerful but usually harmless. Forretress was the hardest one to justify, but it’s a durable Steel-type and “Fortress” is a synonym for the building definition of “bastion”.

D.Va

This took me a few tries. Azumarill and Lopunny are obvious, given D.Va’s rabbit iconography. Since D.Va is younger and less obviously threatening out-of-mech compared to the rest of the cast, I thought Roserade (“every rose has its thorn”) and Mawile would represent this “hidden danger” better than other Pokemon. Pachirisu is mostly there as a joke; while it’s a cute rodent that D.Va would probably use, its famous usage in the 2014 VGC championships was what compelled me to give it to her. She’d be aware of its competitive usage, after all. Golurk, being a large robot that does not look like it should be able to fly but still can (like D.Va’s mech) was an obvious choice I knew would go to her as soon as I thought of this list.

Genji

This was the first one I finished. Ninjask and Greninja are obvious; Genji’s a freaking Ninja, after all. Samurott was harder to justify, but I think it makes sense when considering his family background; yes, the Shimada were not Samurai, but going by Hanzo’s training they had a similar level of discipline. Absol and Scizor have sharp blade imagery/names, like his huge sword. Lastly, the most blade-like Dragon-type is Haxorus; yes, Genji doesn’t have an axe, but no other dragons use or are based off of a bladed weapon.

Hanzo

Hanzo’s was made after Genji’s and is meant to reflect him. Accelgor is a wandering ninja, and while Hanzo isn’t a ninja in the same sense that Genji is, he’s definitely a wanderer and like the Samurai/Genji connection, one exists between Hanzo and ninjutsu. Noivern is a dragon, but meant more to be representative of Hanzo’s “Sonic Arrow”, being based on an echolocation-reliant bat. Gyrados is closer to the dragons that Hanzo fires off with Dragonstrike. Decidueye is based on an archer, so this should be obvious. Umbreon was a contentious pic, but I want Hanzo to have an Eeveelution and it fit him more than the rest, being a dark and broody Pokemon. And, finally, him having a Shedninja while Genji has a Ninjask should speak for itself.

Junkrat

Another simple one. Electrode is a really obvious choice. Junkrat is a renowned criminal and gang member, so Scrafty and Krookodile make good choices. Being based partially on a caltrops, spiky traps hidden in the ground, Ferrothorn makes sense for the trap-based Junkrat. As a chemically unstable, high-flying and sinister Pokemon, Drifblim also fits him, while Floatzel seems to mix his lighter side with the undercurrent (sorry) of danger.

Lucio

Surprisingly, I think the only “frog-like” Pokemon that fits Lucio is Politoed, given that the others are either too sinister for Lucio (Toxicroak/Seismitoad) or don’t visually resemble frogs enough to belong to him (Other Poliwag family members). Exploud is a given, considering Lucio’s penchant for loud noise, while Kricketune shows off his lower-key nonvocal music career. Primarina was a more contentious pick, given that Lucio doesn’t sing, but it’s the closest we’ve got to a “diva” pokemon, no pun intended. Helioptile is partially based on solar panels, which is a reference to the energy problems afflicting Dorado and Rio that Lucio has involved himself in, and, like Ludicolo, he’s pretty laid-back and likes to party.

McCree

My more controversial decision before the rest; McCree was part of Blackwatch and before that, Deadlock, so he’s got some demons, and what better demon than Houndoom, a hellhound? Clawitzer is a reference to his disproportionately gigantic pistol, while Cacturne, Lycanroc (being based on a smaller wolf and thus similar to a coyote), Marowak, and Mandibuzz are more general cowboy imagery that I couldn’t pass up.

Mei

After resisting the urge to make her entire team irritating Dark-and-Ghost-types, Mei was one of the harder ones to do, mostly because I did hers last. Glaceon and Vanilluxe are the necessary Ice-types, the second one particularly notable given how many sprays she has depicting frozen treats. Jellicent is a silly-looking but terrifying Pokemon, and the female version fits her better even if the male version is blue. Even if she’s not a healer, Mei is pretty cute and kindhearted and generally tries to be helpful, so she gets an Audino. And because I just couldn’t resist pointing it out, she gets Wobbuffet and Whimsicott because they’re annoying assholes and so is Mei.

But in all seriousness, they do fit her.

Mercy

The second one I finished. I may have spoiled her a bit. Blissey and Comfey are healers, making them obvious choices, while Togekiss and Altaria are kindhearted flying-types with angelic imagery. Gardevoir has the grace, silhouette (and the fans of a…certain sort) of Mercy. Leavanny is there because...well, we all know Mercy is Team Mom. And Mismagius is a bit of fun, given the popularity and prominence of her Witch skin.

Pharah

Another fairly easy one. Lucario, being based on Anubis, and Luxray, being based on the Sphinx, are easy choices given her devotion to her Egyptian heritage. Pharah spends much of her time in the sky, shadowed against the sun, so a combination of that and her rockets being fire-based made Volcarona seem like a solid fit. Blaziken combines her flying-nature with her bird-of-prey imagery and her fire-based attacks, while Staraptor is obvious given the name of her suit (Raptora) and the previously mentioned bird imagery. Gliscor was the hardest one for me to decide here; I went with it because it’s a dangerous predator that can move around unexpectedly, fly from unusual angles, and some of Pharah’s suit resembles a gargoyle, which Gliscor is based off of. I acknowledge that it’s a difficult pick, and may amend it later.

Reaper

Edgelord, as could have easily been predicted, gets Skarmory and Bisharp due to their angular, slicey nature. Bisharp in particular, seeing as it’s a Dark-type. Sharpedo is a brutal Pokemon (and a Brutal Pokemon, shared with Hydreigon), and Reaper himself is cruel and powerful, so that fits. Toxicroak was a more difficult pick, but I wanted to grab something sinister and speedy that wasn’t a Dark-type and Toxicroak quickly came to mind. Dusknoir evolves from Duskull and still has some Grim Reaper imagery, so that makes sense, and the spin-to-win nature of Death Blossom makes Hitmontop a natural fit.

Reinhardt

One of my personal favorites. Aegislash is emblematic of the sword-and-shield inherent to Reinhardt’s chivalry and aspirations to classical knighthood, while Bastiodon is a more literal representation of Reinhardt’s capacity to shield others. Like Heracross and the beetles it’s based on, Reinhardt is exceedingly strong. The lion is Reinhardt’s primary animal symbol, so Pyroar is an obvious choice. Like Torterra, Reinhardt is strong but focuses on supporting others, sometimes quite literally, and is similarly durable. And Drampa is a bit of a joke, given how he’s like a grandfather to the younger members of the team.

Roadhog

This went through a few iterations before I settled on one that I liked. Snorlax and Pangoro fit the “large and slow and powerful” projection of Roadhog, while Emboar and Mamoswine refer to the pig/hog motif that fits most of Roadhog’s skins. Honchkrow is there because he represents Roadhog’s criminal status as a sort of “head honcho” of operations; yes, Junkrat technically hires him and is usually the one talking, but in every other context Roadhog gives the appearance of being a crime boss. Garchomp is a reference to his name, Mako (and since Sharpedo seems to fit Reaper better, I went with the other shark-like Pokemon), and his two shark-based skins.

Soldier: 76

I was a little silly with this one, choosing to emphasize Soldier’s ‘Merica mentality more than anything else. Bald eagles and grizzly bears are as American as apple pie, so here comes Ursaring and Braviary (yes, I know Ursaring is based on an Asian black bear, but there are no grizzly bear pokemon and it shares the brown coloration of one). Tanks, too, are truly American symbols, and Blastoise is sporting the double cannons of one of these tread-mounted monstrosities. The final three are a bit of fun; dogs, too, are universally loved by humans but seem to hold a special place in the hearts of United States citizens (and I’m totally not biased) and the most quintessentially “Dog” Pokemon are Arcanine, Stoutland, and, yes, Granbull (it’s bipedal, but the bulldog resemblance is there).

Sombra

This took a few versions to come up with something that wasn’t entirely Dark-or-Ghost-types; as it is now, I still failed on that part, but it’s a bit more balanced. Rotom is based on a poltergeist and is perfect for a disruptive hacker, while Klefki’s collection of keys makes it a similarly suitable Pokemon for Sombra, to whom no doors are locked. Gengar and Liepard are mischievous, bordering on criminal, while Malamar is confusing and menacing when it gets serious (remember how intimidating Sombra can be). Lastly, Mimikyu is also a Pokemon based on confusion and messing with your opponent and is more symbolic of her stealthiness than the others on her team.

Symmetra

Another one of my favorites. Symmetra’s got the haughtiness and grace of Serperior, the coloration and beauty of Alolan Ninetales and Milotic, and the technical prowess (though its instability would infuriate her) of Porygon-Z. Froslass, as a literal ice queen, fits her personality, while her hard-light technology makes Ampharos, a Pokemon notable for its electrical power and light-generating capabilities, a good match for her.

Torbjorn

I chose to emphasize the raw labor and toil aspects of his character, rather than the memes. Gigalith, as a mineral formation, is the perfect source (not literally) for Torbjorn’s machinations. Klinklang is a literal gear grinding mechanism, which he would appreciate and which matches his scrap collection. Diggersby and Conkeldurr are representative of construction workers, which fit Torbjorn’s style, while the stoutness and slowness of Camerupt’s flames make it an excellent partner for his ability to overclock his suit during Molten Core. And, finally, for some variation, Pelipper is the squattest and shortest, at least in general shape, of any of the major flying birds, making it a perfect fit for him.

Tracer

Tracer is all about speed. Zebstrika and Pidgeot are blazing fast, just like her, while Linoone is almost as quick and just as peppy. Jumpluff is sillier, and Tracer never lacks for a good joke, while Mienshao fits her slim physique and rapid acrobatics. Meowstic was a tougher choice, but it’s still a fast, short, deadly psychic type, and Alakazam really doesn’t fit Tracer.

Widowmaker

Another easy one. Galvantula and Ariados are obvious choices, considering Widowmaker’s spider motif. Gorebyss is pretty and dangerous, like Widowmaker, and Salazzle matches her color scheme and is all-female to boot. Baille Oricorio was chosen because it was the closest thing I could find to a ballet dancer (and Gardevoir is too kindhearted to fit Widowmaker), while Tsareena fits given her mono-gender nature, cruel demeanor, and long “boots”.

Winston

I had a bit of fun here and went with some unconventional choices. Slaking fits, being based on a gorilla (and also a sloth, but we’re ignoring that) and even if monkeys aren’t apes, Infernape has “ape” in its name and plays similarly to Winston (being a rapid, dangerous closer-range damage dealer). Electivire is representative of both Winston’s Tesla Cannon and his ape-ness, as it’s also based on a gorilla, while Slowking gives the appearance of stupidity while actually being more intelligent than almost any other Pokemon, in the same way that Winston is smarter than most humans but does not initially appear so. Beheeyem fits because, well, Winston is technically an alien, and since Winston crashed down on Earth in the same manner as a meteor, Minior with an indigo core also seemed appropriate. Plus, he obviously spent and still spends a lot of his time looking at shooting stars and it was the introduction we were given to his life as a baby (remember that he was watching the stars when he stole Dr. Winston’s glasses).

Zarya

The second-to-last one I made. Machamp is based on a wrestler/bodybuilder and thus makes perfect sense for our weightlifting hero, while Beartic is a “big, fuzzy, Siberian bear”. Magmortar might not seem to fit with our cold-weather woman, but it’s partially based off of a cannon, which she lugs around with little difficulty. Metagross is the closest thing to a mech that isn’t Golurk, and D.Va fits that one better. And since Zarya seems to enjoy the color pink (going by her nails and hair) and is inherently kindhearted even when she’s incredibly strong, Sylveon and Clefable make reasonable choices.

Zenyatta

Zenyatta’s wasn’t that difficult, since I had most of what I wanted for him in mind as soon as the rest of the list came together. Medicham is an easy pick, as is Zen Mode Darmanitan, given their association with meditation and calm. Noctowl, as an owl, is a symbol of wisdom, and Zenyatta is nothing if not knowledgeable. Bronzong was the most traditionally “spiritual” Steel-type I could find, and it also being a Psychic-type was an added bonus. Carbink is durable, unlike Zenyatta, but its association with gemstones fits the bright, shiny effects attached to Zenyatta’s abilities. And while the evil Spiritomb might seem a bad fit for our gentle Omnic monk, it’s based off of several Buddhist traditions and elements that are synonymous with the beliefs that Zenyatta and his fellow monks follow.

Hope you enjoyed this, it was definitely fun to make!

#pokemon #overwatch #crossover #mine #my post #me #whew this has been brewing for a while

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