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moobloom-mention · 1 month ago

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How Hard Is It to Keep a Clone Child Out of Trouble? (Extremely Hard, Apparently)

Summary: Y'know, for only being a few weeks into coparenting Lil Petey, Petey's gotta admit that he's beginning to get the hang of it. Now if only he could get Dogman to start taking it as seriously as he is.

Content Warning(s): Swearing

Word Count: 2048

Please accept this humble sacrifice, Dogman fandom. I am eternally in your debt.

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Y’know, for only being a few weeks into coparenting Lil Petey, Petey’s gotta admit he’d gotten pretty damn good at knowing what the kid got up to in his free time.

Not that it’s exactly hard to figure out, the kid is his clone after all. Anything Petey had shown interest towards in his youth was bound to be explored too by Lil Petey- so far with a lot more enthusiasm than his past self had shown.

Though there were a few twists and adjustments to the kid's interests. Like his favorite superhero being Spiderman instead of Batman. Or his favorite animal being a dog of all creatures.

Ha! A dog.

His eyes roll, the familiar itch of annoyance redirecting itself toward his latest attempt to shuffle a paper bag of groceries into the crook of his right arm. He grins pointedly as the bag finally slouches into his shoulder without a single item escaping.

With his newly freed hand he dives impatiently into his coat's pocket, pawing at the fabric for the spare house key Dogman had given him a few weeks back.

"In emergencies," the mutt had signed, a disgustingly pleasant smile on his face.

It'd been a... surprisingly sweet gesture. One that Petey had easily disguised his shock beneath an angry shout of "-fine!" before he'd swiped the key from Dogman's hands. "Anything to get you off my back about it."

And it had. Dogman never mentioned the house key's existence again. Not after Petey used it in the occasional emergency. Not whenever he used it to collect Lil Petey while Dogman was out. Hell, there wasn't even a knowing grin after Petey began to use it to come-and-go as he pleased.

For once, the mutt had nothing to say.

Good, Petey grunts to himself. Dogman already had too many opinions for someone with such a limited range of verbal speech.

He lets himself grin at the thought as he refocuses on rummaging for the key. It really shouldn't be this difficult of a task; he's only got two pockets and he's pretty damn sure he put the spare in the left one.

And yet every small object he feels within his coat seems to be everything but a key.

The crinkling wrapper of something Petey's 98% sure is gum.

An unfolded plastic paperclip for whatever strange reason.

That monkey wrench he'd been looking everywhere for yesterday.

For god's sake, a crayon?

Petey's ears flatten. How many times had he asked Lil Petey to not wear his coat during playtime?

He drags the collection of useless crap from his pocket, eyes scouring the pile to ensure he hadn't accidentally grabbed the key in his thinning patience. When that's proven futile he dumps the junk unceremoniously into his right coat pocket and returns for another search.

Nothing. Nothing. Yet another crayon he somehow missed the first time. Nothing. Something that feels suspiciously like a key-

"Ha-ha!" Petey cheers as his paw fastens around the key at last. He could almost kiss it if it weren't just in the world's saddest equivalent of a junk drawer.

He settles for a less-disgruntled expression as he continues his walk back toward Dogman's house, tail flicking in the park's light breeze. He's got better things than kissing a key to worry about. Things like-

Uh. What was it he'd been complaining about earlier?

The key? Couldn't be, he'd just finished that tangent a moment ago. It had something to do with his clone.

God, like the kid didn't take up enough of his thoughts already. Seriously, how on Earth did Grace ever raise him? His clone caused enough trouble even with parenting help from Dogman, he couldn't imagine going through it without assistance.

She must've been a whole different animal to-

Oh-ho, that's the one! Lil Petey's favorite animal.

Again, Petey's eyes roll. Pfft, like a dog could ever be considered better than a cat. There were too many things to complain about, like how they shed everywhere and barked up a storm at anyone undeserving of it. Not to mention their tendency to stick their noses in places it didn't belong- both physically and metaphorically.

But whatever, bygones be bygones and that whole mumbo-jumbo. Just because the kid's got an opinion doesn't mean he's right.

Terrible choices in "favorite animals" aside, it still doesn't take away from the fact that Lil Petey was beginning to step in Petey's much heavier footprints in more ways than one. The kid was already inventing things left and right- whether it be some contraption, comic book, or obnoxiously catchy song.

He can only hope that he'll be able to save the kid from his past spout of "teenage angst". Petey shudders. Yeah, he'd rather put up with an underwater adventure than go through that.

Petey shakes the thought just as he's greeted with the familiar blue-tinted wood of the doghouse's front door. He stoops just barely low enough to fit the key into its lock, gaze flickering between the suspicious tilt of his grocery bag and the door.

One of these days he'd get around to inventing and installing a cat-sized door. Or just bug Dogman about it until it got replaced. Whichever came first- which knowing the do-good mutt, was probably the latter.

Finally he's able to twist the door knob, shuffling the grocery bag into both hands only after he's able to wedge a paw in the doorway. His foot nudges the door fully open to reveal the bright red carpeting of the entryway with Lil Petey and Dogman-

Huh. Y'know what, maybe it'll take a few more weeks for him to fully grasp the mischief one small Petey can cause. Because where he'd expected the kid to be drawing, tinkering with something metal, or even just entertaining Dogman in a game of fetch, this is...

Worse. So, so much worse.

Lil Petey sits proudly atop Dogman's back at the end of the entryway, the mutt reared up on his hind legs not unlike that of a horse. The kitten's head is practically drowning in a cowboy hat that came from god-knows-where, a sight that Petey would usually burn into his memory before feigning annoyance over.

But for once he can't. His shoulders remain square, rigid even as the door bumps into his shoulder in its feeble attempt to close behind him.

Wide, green eyes remain ensnared by the sickeningly familiar device that sits innocently in the paws of Lil Petey. A device with blue and pink components and a simple heart engraved deep into the barrel of a gun -

Petey tail kinks just as a strangled cry tears itself from his throat. In a flash of orange and black stripes he flings the bag of groceries in the general direction of the kitchen, using the force of his throw to propel himself and snatch Lil Petey from Dogman's back.

"Papa!" the kitten cheers as he's swept into Petey's arms. God, what Petey wouldn't give to be as ignorant as this kid- to smile and cheer like he hadn't just been holding a very real and dangerous weapon.

Er- maybe "dangerous" isn't quite the right word...but it definitely isn't meant to be used in some game of "cowboy"!

Lil Petey doesn't protest when he's set on the edge of the kitchen counter, even going as far as to giggle when Petey almost trips over the now forgotten bag of groceries. The mess doesn't matter.

Not when his focus is on scouring the kid for something- anything that could be amiss.

Orange paws cup Lil Petey's cheeks, turning the kitten's head from side to side.

No love-heart eyes. No bruises or scrapes. No words of undying devotion.

Petey drags a paw down his face, heaving out a loud breath of relief. Thank god the kid isn't traumatized. At least any more than the usual.

He gives another glance over Lil Petey before he finally lets the familiar bite of anger sink its teeth into his veins. "Who gave you this!" Petey demands, unceremoniously dumping the Love Ray(c) into the sink basin. He doesn't even wait for the kitten to respond, instead whirling toward Dogman.

Petey's pupils shrink. The mutt at least has enough decency to look sheepish. Not that it'll save Dogman from his pre-dug grave.

Venom drips from his hiss. "You- "

"80-HD did," Lil Petey pipes up. He can practically hear the smile in the kid's voice. "I asked him to find me a cowboy gun!"

Petey's eye twitches, the target of his fury transferring seamlessly from Dogman onto the thought of 80-HD. One day he'd dismantle that robot and rebuild it with "common sense" as its main function. For now, though- "It doesn't even look like a cowboy gun," he bites out. "It's got a heart on it for crying out loud!"

Small, orange eyebrows furrow. "Why?"

"Because it's a Love Ray!"

"Why?"

"Because I needed a Love Ray at the time."

"Why?"

"Because it was a part of one of my many masterful plans to take over the city!"

"Why?"

"Kid -"

Deep breaths. Deep breaths. This isn't something to get this angry over-

Petey pauses. Wait, no- this is exactly the type of thing to be furious over.

It doesn't matter that the Love Ray led to a disaster in its own right. Or that 80-HD gave the kid the device. it never should've happened because there was an adult present, watching. An adult that's easily bribed and slobbers over everything, but an adult nonetheless!

His gaze hardens onto Dogman. It's not even as satisfying as it usually is to watch the mutt's ears droop and guilt fill those big, brown eyes.

"You were supposed to watch the kid!" he snaps. "Is this what usually happens when I'm not here? You let him play with dangerous weapons?"

Dogman's head shakes, his hands coming up in an attempt to sign a response. "I-"

"Ah-at," Petey hisses. "I don't wanna hear it. Bad dog! Bad, bad dog!"

"Wait!" Lil Petey calls, leaping from the kitchen counter. Petey almost stumbles from just how fiercely the little kitten attaches himself to his leg. "It wasn't Dogman's fault!" he protests. "He tried to take it away until I said I'd keep the safety on!"

"Wha-? There's no safety button on that thing!"

Dogman's guilt-filled expression suddenly dissipates, brows furrowing as he glares sternly toward Lil Petey.

Ever the con artist, the kitten only scratches the back of his neck with a shy smile. "...oops?"

"Morons," Petey mutters miserably. "I got a moron cop dog to watch my moron of a clone."

Dogman barks his complaint just as Lil Petey manages an offended "Hey!"

"I don't wanna hear it! You're grounded, kiddo."

"But-!"

"No 'buts'!"

Petey pointedly ignores the soft giggle the word "but" draws from the kid, his orange tail unraveling Lil Petey from his leg and pushing him toward the stairs.

Neither Dogman nor Petey move even once the kitten- and his giggle fit -disappear upstairs, the trouble-maker likely beginning to formulate his attempt to lessen his grounding sentence rather than heading to bed like Petey would hope.

His ears flatten. He seriously didn’t want to physically wrangle the kid into bed tonight. More often than not it led to having Lil Petey ask to sleep with him, and at that point Dogman just had to be invited as well.

In the corner of his eye Dogman's hand twitches.

"Petey," Dogman signs.

"Don't," the cat interrupts, pressing a hand to his brows. "You're lucky I'm not packing a suitcase right now.”

He smiles pleasantly as Dogman's expression turns panicked, though it quickly falls as a high-pitched whine interrupts Petey's moment of triumph.

"Hey, I just said I'm staying! It's like you don’t even listen someTIMES-!”

Dogman crashes into Petey in a pile of limbs, the mutt barking joyously as he licks at the fur on Petey’s arm. He grimaces. At least it isn’t his face this time.

“Get off!” Petey snaps, shoving Dogman aside far kinder than the mutt deserves. Thankfully Dogman keeps his distance this time around. “Go put the kid to bed, I’ve got shit to do.”

Like putting the Love Ray back in storage, he thinks. Or dealing with the groceries.

Fuck, when did he become so domesticated?

#dogman movie #dog man #petey the cat #lil petey #detey #if I had a nickel for every homosexual anthropomorphic ship I've written about I'd have three nickels #which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened three times

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