#doesn't affect me much because i don't think i'm anorexic

[passingthetime]

So on a general mental health screening in Hungary if you're not in unhealthy underweight bmi territory they won't even ask you further anorexia diagnostic questions. Fucking outdated.

[traumasurvivorshelpingsurvivors]

name: nellie / tags for anything eating disorder related as well as csa

hello! I've been thinking about my life and my eating habits since I've been vegan for 10 years, and while I've definitely had moments where I've said "I probably have an eating disorder but it isn't like, put me in the hospital bad", I'm starting to think that maybe it was bad but I normalized myself to the experience? when I was 10 I developed anorexia and began to starve myself and avoid foods in order to lose weight, this was also around the time I was harrased and assaulted and I think it affected me so strongly because they seemed to like my body the most at that age; small and chubby.

throughout middle school, I had anorexic habits and if I felt I ate too much I would attempt to throw up. I never did and I think before I considered it kind of a failure on my part for not being able to. After maybe a year I changed my diet to he vegetarian, paleo, then Atkins, until switching to vegan because it meant I could refuse food without others commenting "what are you anorexic? how come you don't eat" and instead have an excuse by saying "well I'm vegan so I cant".

I've been vegan since then and do actively still intermittently fast and starve myself, I also keep my portions small out of habit but I think I'm okay now? I guess the whole thing was just on my mind because when I thought of myself eating at say a buffet I was disgusted. I associate enjoying food, and not like cafe food that's small and can be had with coffee but like a feast with sides and everything, to be disgusting and the highest form of gluttony for myself. If I allow myself to gain weight and indulge in hearty foods every single day then I feel I have no control over my life and I'll just become depressed again.

Majority of the time I will have one food I really enjoy and just have that for breakfast and dinner all throughout the week. And it needs to be the exact same when I make it, I need the food to look right otherwise I can't enjoy it. So, if i have a vegan croissant and coffee, I can't just have it randomly, it needs to be in the morning when I'm alone and while it's quiet. Otherwise it's gonna ruin my whole day if that morning breakfast isn't the right kind of peaceful. Or if I have vegan pizza and wine, it needs to be Margherita pizza and it needs to be at night preferably when it's quiet and a movie is on. Margherita pizza is simple and light and perfect with wine, if I have a meatlovers or bbq then I can't have wine because it doesn't suit the taste and it ruins the moment of dinner.

I guess I'm just thinking out loud really, but I'd appreciate any feedback or maybe thoughts? My therapist says if I'm good and healthy then it's okay, that not everyone eats a typical meal and that some people do intermittently fast. So, yeah! Thank you! 🥰

Hi nellie,

It sounds like you're very self-aware and have been able to identify what may have contributed to the development of your eating disorder, but that it has, for the most part, improved over time.

I admit I don't know much about eating disorders so please keep that in mind. I am not a professional of course and I don't believe that my thoughts necessarily supersede that of a professional such as a therapist (although not all therapists are correct). I can understand that not everyone eats consistently and that's okay, however it sounds like you've historically had a complicated relationship with food, and it seems that you have set specific rules that could potentially limit you when it comes to having balanced meals (referring to the food groups, but also in terms of adequate portions of meals per day). It also seems that you still have some trauma processing to do that, once you've processed fully, might shift your current relationship with food as well. So, while the current state of your relationship with food isn't nearly as unhealthy as it previously was, there is still room for improvement. Perhaps those are potential concerns to discuss with your therapist further.

If anyone has any comments or suggestions, please feel free to add on. Otherwise, I hope I could help and please let us know if you need anything.

-Bun

[mellow-worlds]

older rants

I kind of want to feel the same way it felt that day my aunt and uncle wouldn't leave me alone and forced me to eat. I don't want that part, but before eating anything, I was probably as close to fainting as ever. I want to faint. Do I? Well, I want people to know I'm unwell. I suppose fainting would be very dramatic. But it would make my issue seem real. It honestly feels a little wring to be so whiny when in reality, nothing much has happened. I'm not being that whiny, but I'm pretending to be super anorexic or whatever, when I'm not. I just don't eat all that much and do intermittent fasting overkill but hahsjs ksjsjbshs I'm fine. I do still have some anorexic traits and thought patterns but that doesn't mean I am anorexic. I havent even been doing this for all that long, maybe 3 weeks?? And honestly, feeling weak is awful. But it'd be real? I just hope the pain doesn't come back. Anorexia is super painful. I hope it doesn't sneak behind my eyelids while I try to sleep and I hope it doesn't make me moan in pain.I'm so jealous of the people who are naturally skinny. I'm so jealous of K. I should eat healthily. Ofc I'm not losing weight if I only eat sugar. And I'll try to exercise at least a little. Hhh. I guess it's a start. And I eat so unhealthily, anything would be an improvement.

I think I have so many toxic traits because of my abysmal self esteem. For example my constant need for validation and attention and in the past my need of some sort of control and wanting to be seen as good and being marvelled at which never happened lmao. But then again, sometimes I do think I'm pretty smart? Evidence says otherwise but sometimes I do feel a little smart. And sometimes I think my face shape is pretty. So maybe my self esteem isn't as bad as I'm claiming it is? Maybe it's not to blame for me being a terrible person?Talking with P today was so nice. It was only short but very very nice. L was also there and we laughed a lot and gosh I like this man so much. I think I'll really just "keep trying". It's fine. We can be friends. Rn I'm not as willing anymore to kms because I talked to G at uni again and it was a lot of fun, but honestly...... yeah no. It's the right thing to do.

Anyway, P looks so good. :) I really do get obsessed too easily. Is it obsession though? I just write about him a lot, I don't necessarily think about him incessantly. He does look very good, especially with his glasses. Today in the lecture, our arms touched just a little bit. And he smells sooooo good. Even his tobacco smells nice somehow. But he also has this other scent that's just so nice. Idk I think I could gush about him for the rest of time. Maybe. I think he's awesome.I really, really enjoyed talking to him and L. And I hope to talk more with L in the future in general. And ofc I wish I never stopped talking to P. I wish he liked me. Istg I'm trying. I'm trying to be better and prettier. I wish I was good enough for like literally anything. I'm not really anything and not good enough yo be anything. I wish I was skinny so P could have half a reason to like me.I saw that there's scars on L's arm. They looked artificial, but also well healed and I couldn't really get a good look. I don't really know what to make of this. She doesn't seem like the type of person to hurt herself, she's too sweet. But I suppose I shouldn't try to deny it? And I guess that ultimately, it doesn't affect me. She seems really happy now, I don't think I have to be worried. Makes me wonder what people would think about my scars. Luckily, so far no one really seems to have noticed. Maybe this one girl from my old class. Or A and J. Definitely no one from uni :). Sucks enough that my sisters know. I also wonder how people will react when I kms. I suppose I also don't seem like the type of person to do so. Momentarily, I'm super happy. Yk, when I get to talk to friends. It turn to shit the minute I'm left to myself. And this morning, thinking about P, it really made me sad. He'll never like me. It's fine. Just sad. I shouldn't be sad about things i could expect. Still am. Oh well.

[patriciavetinari]

Long personal post about sex, please scroll accordingly if not interested.

I believe I just realized a part of why I'm so frustrated about romance, including sexual relationships. Not just that I've always been interested, and I think part of the reason might be limited attention in my childhood? Me believeing I should be loved and supported and taken care of more than I did? Busy single mother, combined with absolute assholes for classmates who were treating me horribly, teachers ignoring the situation, no help from anyone? Family not being the safe haven I was always told it is?.. Being disappointed with family love, having never experienced comraderie and friends' love it seems like all of it accumulated into strong desire for romantic love and partnership built on romantic connection. I'm just speculating though, no time for a therapist.

But then as a marginalized person you grow up without proper socialization (I've never had a birthday party in my life), and romantic socialization and flirting being part of that, so you become an adult completely lacking social skill. Add on to it general unpleasantness fat people and fat women experience.

And it's not for a lack of trying that I'm single. I've done years and years of research, I've watched and read about being charming and making friends and finding partners, from reasonable coaches to absolutely insane stuff, and I've been dutiful and trying those methods – I have found none that have worked. I've been on dating apps, I've been forcing myself out of comfort zone, going out every day off, I've been dressing like a hoe, like a en elegant lady, like a big titty goth gf – none of this has worked. The only thing I haven't tried is speed dating, but I have a few of those bookmarked.

And yes, I've made the first step, multiple times, I've asked people out myself rather than expect them to approach. I've been told no or been stood up, I've literally had 0% success rate and revived my confidence from the pits of despair every time.

And at the same time, still, the person I want to be is the one that turns heads and has a string of competing lovers and people having duels over my attention and affections. Last one I'm willing to live without, but to have people find me desirable in a romantic way is still a strong desire of my own and even though I don't have that and I have to be able to go on alone... Idk, I still yearn. Badly. At the very least I want to try and reach that lifestyle and then figure out on my own that it's not for me. I think it goes back to feeling invisible and overshadowed and forgotten and unwanted, so now I really wish to experience the opposite. And yeah, if I can rake in some material benefits – even better. If I could be having sugar daddies and mommies, or have an onlyfans, I would do it.

I mean... When I say if I could – I can, probably, but that's the thing, the technical part is easy. Start an account, point a camera at yourself, click, but the next step is where I get stuck. Like, what do I do? How do I act sexy? What is the type of sexyness that fits me, that I can confortably perform, that doesn't feel like the most generic porn parody? What is it about me that turns people on? How should I act to maximise that?

And I once again come back to having no experience of feeling sexy, desired, beautiful to another person. I... Don't think it's exactly seeking validation. Because I'm generally fine with myself and I go out without makeup no problem, I value my comfort etc, and I know in my skull that I'm pretty. But I do want to be beautiful to other people. I do want the experience of being wanted and I've never had that. Not in a way that is acceptable, so a dudebro posting an eggplant emoji under my selfie is not what I'm looking for. I'm probably seeking attention but that is also respectful I guess? I'm aware my standards are high, but low standards brought me terrible experiences in the past.

Doesn't help that the 2 very poor sex experiences that I've had happened when I was anorexic, so much thinner, and both of those people were very bad at sex, not bothering with foreplay or making me feel desired, even though they clearly wanted to fuck. Like, as wild as it sounds, I felt like one of them is not really interested in my, and the other wanted to fuck me but did't fee the need for me to feel good. Both of them were really not nice to me. I'm not even talking about orgasms. One of them blatantly told me that me not orgasming or not much enjoying the shitty sex meant that I'm not 'built' to enjoy sex which fucking had me fuming for obvious reasons. I've been fascinated by sex since very early age and still am and that's the reason I don't think I'm ace (?). I've entertained a thought, but at the moment I genuinely don't know if it's me not experiencing sexual desire towards people or just not letting myself entertain the idea that a real person could want me because that has literally never happened (in my current body size, I honestly view my brief period of thinness almost as another person, I have nothing in common with her). So I don't let myself fantasize or desire someone or even have a crush because it's always painful and just seems unrealistic.

I think I had a crush at my old job, and mustered the courage to ask the person out twice and that's how I got stoop up and then found out they started dating someone else, and I literally cried, feeling like a high schooler (derogatory). So I don't let myself have crushes because what's the point. I try to find enjoyment if friendly hanging out nowadays.

And coming back to sex, without having experienced any genuine interaction, any expression of desire towards me as a person or even to my current body – again, in a way that is more human than eggplant emoji or like 'i wana fuck your bobs' – without any of it I don't know what is it that people find sexy about me, IF they find me desirable, which aspects of my look or attitude turn people on, what should I be highligting. I want to learn, I want to play into my strengths, but I don't know what they are. Yeah I do want to hear that someone is crazy about me, loves talking to me and wants to pleasure me and loves my mind as well as my body just the way it is. You know, the Gomez Addams approach.

My main problem is that my empirical evidence of being alive as a human shows me that I either don't provoke any desire or I provoke primitive disrespectful fetishization. That the only people willing to show their attraction to me or act up on it are very unpleasant predatory types. And all of them online too, no real life person has shown any interest or effort in trying to spend time with me for anythibg long term or even just get into my bed which I would be totally ok with.

Of cource it's disheartening and discourageing and concerning.

I'm always trying to find out what is people do that makes them have a partner after partner, or a string of fun sex encounters, or just adventurous personal life (of course I don't realky care what thin people have to say on the topic, they literally live in the world of their own especially when it comes to relationships). I want that. I want to learn, I'm willing to try stuff and muster courage, I wouldn't mind having an onlyfans, but I think my own research is not helping me enough in learning about my own sexuality, find the right ways to be sexy because I've bever made feel like I am sexy to anyone, I've never been told that (again, in human ways not in scum ways). I feel silly most of the time when attemting to flirt, and the old protective mechanism of being the clown, compensating fatness with being funny to ve accepted still looms its ugly head.

I don't know what to do. I want to have people ask for my phone number all the time, and compete for my attention, having 4849385 invites to do something after work or on the weekend, having my pick of people to spend time and have sex with as much as my heart desires. And yeah, being pampered and taken care of and showered with words and gifts and gestures as well. Years of loneliness have made me gluttonous for all that, and the sick irony of desiring all that while in a fat body in a world that hates fat people and makes sure we know we absolutely should 't be expecting any of that.

I don't know if I'll ever grow out of that. Or if I'll ever be touched by another human being. Seems quite hopeless at the moment.

[peggyrose19]

An ed related question,,, do you know about any overlaps of ARFID and anorexia behaviors because of emetophobia? My restriction centers around the fear but also body image/control things which makes knowing what classification of ed actually fits best difficult and has caused issues with treatment. Do you know of any resources about this?

okay! i did a bit of research. it was incredibly difficult because i couldn't find much about overlaps nor could i access any full articles cause paywalls. i don't know how much help they would've been either way tbh. i'ma put it below the cut cause it's a lot (i tend to ramble). cw for ed talk, calories, restrictions, etc

i am, to clarify, not an expert by any means. this is all based on personal experience/observations and knowledge i've gathered over the years

my findings: there is very little overlap in the compulsions and thought processes (i can't think of the right word ahh) between arfid and anorexia. they're based on very different goals, so to speak. however i think they both stem from a need to control some aspect of your life. arfid is about controlling what specifically is going in your body, foods and textures and whatnot, and keeping yourself safe from getting sick. anorexia is more about calorie intake: what it will do to your body, how it will affect your appearance, that kind of thing. the compulsions are similar, but not identical.

i think it is possible to have both. i personally do not. i think by the time i became aware of my body in that way, i knew what damage anorexia could do and i just sorta went "i have enough shit to deal with i don't need this too leave me tf alone." and miraculously it worked! so my opinions and views on anorexia are based on people i've known with it and research i've done.

back to having both. because they're so different, it makes quite a lot of sense to have both. and also because society sucks, i know that a lot of people that struggle with body image and anorexic thoughts and compulsions. i don't know how your brain works (i don't even know how mine works lol) so i can't say for sure how intertwined these types of thoughts are. i do know that body image is pointedly not a part of arfid, so that kind of thing would be considered outside an arfid diagnosis. if you wanted to, and haven't already, you could do a sort of self-diagnosis with the dsm-5 (universal diagnostic manual). just google search it with anorexia or arfid and it'll show up. that'll have the criteria and you can see what fits you.

as for treatment, i simultaneously know a lot and very little. arfid treatment is really hard to find because it's so new. it's not very well understood. and i was diagnosed like the year after it was added to the dsm-5 as a disorder. i have done treatment about 3 different times and it's never worked for me (i'm stubborn). mostly because the treatment i've done was not fully centered around arfid. that being said, i know it has worked for plenty of others. the best place i know of for arfid treatment specifically is the program at mass general.

i truly don't know what would be the best course for treatment. if you should do one at a time, or both at the same time. it doesn't seem possible to focus only on one because i'd bet there's tangled issues there. but i don't know how easy it would be to find someone well-versed in both. you will get tired of hearing this, but because arfid's still so new, we know very little in the grand scheme of things. you may have to try some things before something works.

here's the link for the mass gen site. they're mainly known for arfid treatment, and it doesn't seem like they do a whole lot with anorexia. but if you scroll down further there's a bunch of research links about anorexia and arfid and such. (do yourself a favor, don't look up rumination disorder cause it'll trigger you. it has to do with bulimia and such so not relevant). even if you're not in massachusetts, they have a lot of info available to look over. they even have a book published that my mom recommends. it's also a workbook so theoretically you could work through it yourself or with a therapist.

i hope some of this helps. i have and will talk for literal hours about why you shouldn't believe anorexic thoughts and all that. that of course won't fix everything but believe me i am willing to do it. and then i'll cheer for you after you eat. cause it's always helped me.

lastly, you cannot do this alone! i mean, it's an internal battle really, and it won't work until you are ready and willing to do the work. but having people supporting you and loving you is really super important, whether you seek treatment or not. they'll want to help you. let them. and don't be afraid to tell them what is and isn't helpful. you've got this xx

it is now midnight how tf did that happen so i am going to go to sleep now. as always, feel free to reach out with anything anytime!

[aquarianlights]

So I guess what I'm saying is, I don't want my cousin to resolve to starving because of a youtuber she idolizes. she's far from fat, but she is a lil bit chunky and I've noticed it really bothers her. I don't know how to help her, cause I think she's been influenced by Eugenia (and possibly other pro Ana people) to starve and it worries me, cause my aunt doesn't really think much of it and I don't know how to help her before it actually gets out of control.

The only way you can really help people like me who are anorexic or just desire to start starving themselves like that is to just be there for them. There’s really not a lot you can do. You can help by bringing her her favourite foods when she hasn’t eaten in a while if you’re close enough to her to do that. Just think “What food will be irresistible if I bring it home to her?” That’s how my mom got me to eat when I had starved myself down to 90lbs. I’m very sorry that she looks up to someone so awful. Therapy helps, as well. If you could get her into therapy, that would be a way to help. Professionals can help a lot more than anyone else can. But, really, all you can do is be there for her and say positive things to her. . .compliment her. Say “You’re looking good today” or something similar that alludes to her appearance. A simple compliment like that can go a long way for someone who is anorexic. Boost her self esteem with compliments and being there for her if she needs someone to talk to. Don’t ever say anything negative about her appearance or weight. And if she starts losing weight via starving, don’t say things like “Wow you look so skinny” or “Congratulations on your weight loss”. Those kind of comments may seem like a compliment, but to an anorexic person, that’s basically the same thing as saying “I hope you keep starving yourself” and basically congratulating her for doing something completely unhealthy. You don’t want to do that. When I was down at 90lbs, I got so many comments and compliments on my weight loss that it literally almost killed me because it felt like no one wanted me as an overweight or healthy weight person. It felt like I finally knew what all my “friends” and “loved ones” were thinking of me when I was 120lbs before I got down to 90lbs. It made me want to starve even more. And every time someone compliments me when I lose weight, I get very triggered on the inside but secretly love it, as well, which makes the starving get severe because I want more praise. It’s like pavlovian conditioning. Praise her and she’s going to be more likely to starve for longer periods and will grow up starving herself.

My entire family has anorexic mindsets. Even my grandmother does. Albeit they don’t starve themselves, they are all obsessed with weight and losing weight. My mom especially. So I get lots of compliments and praise when I lose weight and it makes me feel so fucking awful about myself that it causes me to get self harm and suicidal urges. Because if I’m getting complimented for losing weight, then what could these people have possibly thought about me when I was a higher weight? It’s toxic to get caught up in the compliments. Please just don’t ever compliment her on losing weight. And don’t act like you’re happy when she loses it unless she has done it through a healthy diet and exercise.

Maybe offer to go exercise with her? That could really help. I know I feel ridiculous working out on my own; I need someone to work out with me otherwise I lose confidence in what I am doing and I won’t be able to get out of bed to do it due to how badly I feel about my body. I also suggest finding a way to talk her out of watching this toxic youtuber. No one needs toxic vibes in their life and that’s just one more toxic thing for her to get into. Maybe introduce her to some REAL idols. Emma Watson is a good person to obsess over, as an example. Focus on positive traits in people and find a good role model for her and introduce her to the person’s work.

Also, sit down with her and talk with her about this. Don’t just leave your worries inside you. Actually talk to her (giving her compliments along the way) and make sure she understands how it’s affecting you and show her that she’s important to you and that you love her just the way she is and that a lot of people are going to love her just the way she is. Try to illustrate that there’s nothing wrong with the body she has and that she’s beautiful the way she is.

This may all fall on deaf ears, though. Sometimes the only thing that works with anorexic people is time. For me, personally, it didn’t matter how many people cared about me and were worried about me. I didn’t think it truly affected anyone but myself. Try to also illustrate that it will affect all the people around her if she goes down this path and that she will cause everyone in her life a lot of pain. Don’t try to make her feel guilty or anything. . .just calmly explain how anorexia can destroy relationships. But like I was saying, I didn’t stop or want to stop or even try to stop until I reached where I am now (at the age of 25). 

I used to eat paper instead of food when I was very little because I was under the impression that you had to eat something to survive but I knew even then that food made you fat, so I just ate paper instead. This was in elementary school. It wasn’t until I ended up very sick and in the hospital that they sent me to an eating disorder clinic and I overheard them telling my parents that there was something wrong with me. I thought they meant physically at the time, so I remember going up to them to tell them that my tummy didn’t hurt and I didn’t have a cold, so “can I go home now?” They tried to explain to me that I was having psychological problems but I didn’t understand at that age. I developed anorexia due to my parents always commenting on my weight and the things I was eating. That’s why it manifested at such an early age because I had to be “the perfect child” and “no child who is fat can be perfect” according to my parents. All I wanted was to please my parents and be the perfect child they wanted so I just ate paper in place of meals for the longest time and continued getting very sick from it. I was rewarded by my family when I lost weight coz they were so proud of me (again, still in elementary school) so I got it into my head that I needed to keep losing weight in order to be praised. Your cousin doesn’t need that kind of anguish in her life so you need to talk to her about this and be open with your feelings. But, again, it might just take time. Years, maybe. Just be sure to be there for her and completely understanding during this rough period in her life.

But remember. . .you can’t really get help unless you want it. As long as she doesn’t want to be helped, she’s not going to get help. Even from a professional. I was put into mandatory therapy when I was 18 following a trip to my first psych ward. The therapy didn’t help one bit, despite my therapist being an excellent practitioner, merely because I didn’t actually want help. Same thing for ana. If your cousin doesn’t want help, there’s no way to force it on her. But you can let her know what she’s in store for if she starts starving. Look up the side effects of starving and show them to her. Make sure she understands what she’s getting herself into. You literally can’t really go out and have fun with friends if you’re starving yourself because your body is so weak that all you can really do in life is lay in bed and cry because you haven’t been able to leave the house in such a long time. Especially because of the constipation and diarrhea. And when she does actually eat something, it will be so painful to her stomach that she won’t be able to get out of bed. If someone really wants to starve themselves, they better really like laying in bed and never seeing anyone because that’s the life of an anorexic person. They also better really like going to the hospital because there’s going to be a lot of complications along the way that wind you up hospitalized. And they’ve better like being locked up. . .because sooner or later, they’ll be locked in an ED clinic.

But anyways. . .I hope I helped in some way. I’m not sure if any of this is very helpful. :/ I really suggest you ask a professional. I’m merely someone with an eating disorder and I don’t hold any psych degrees or anything like that. Never even been through a single psych class. A professional can give you actual, good advice, unlike me. I really hope you can get through to her because ana is a very dark place to be in. Idk what would really help other than time because that’s the only thing that helped me.

But please note I’m still only just beginning my recovery from anorexia. I still starve to this day. I keep going back and forth being “just starve yourself. You’re not skinny enough.” to “just get it over with and eat the thing. You’ll feel better.”

Also there are medications you can put someone on to literally force them to eat because of the insatiable urges they invoke. And there are medications to help someone gain weight if her weight gets too low. They can be prescribed by a family doctor, even. . .no psych required. These medications are literally torture for an anorexic person like me and I would never use them, but if it gets bad with your cousin, there’s ways to help with medication.

Although the one thing I can say for sure is that therapy is a staple need for people with anorexia. Especially if it’s severe like mine is. And along with anorexia sometimes comes body dysmorphia so watch out for that, too.

Again, I really hope this helped somehow. I’m not too great at giving advice. I really hope everything goes okay and that your cousin will stop watching this toxic person on youtube.