#does this still count as monster f*cker?

[porrimina]

He’s unfortunately on my Hear Me Out list

which is bad because he’s fictional, AI, a war criminal, and he’s probably hiding A LOT from the rest of the characters. My only excuse is that some wires got crossed when I was in the womb. ✌️

[darling-leech]

5, dealers choice 👀

5 - Do they have any really out-of-left-field kinks/fantasies? Maybe even something that they wouldn’t necessarily want to act on but have still thought about?

Sjhhshzb Alex sorta has a monster f*cker kink? Does that count? 😅😅 I'm sure she wouldn't go for certain monsters but like idk?

[smokeybrandreviews]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Deepest Dive

Thalassophobia is the fear of the ocean. I have that sh*t in spades. It’s deep, dark, and unknown. As a grown man in his mid thirties who can’t swim a stroke, i respectfully refrain from entering the sea. That said, i marvel at what has been found there. What little we have found there. We know more about the goddamn moon, than we do about what’s under our own waves, here at home and that’s staggering to me. How can something be so abundant, so dominate, and simultaneously, so unknown? That’s craziness to me. When i heard about Underwater, i immediately knew i had to see this movie. I’m entranced by these types of films because the possibility of some, undiscovered, gigantic, predatory, deep sea creature is very real. Exploring that reality, letting your imagination play in that sandbox,always kicks out something unique, and often, profound. Does Underwater pull this off? Did i finish this film feeling the way i did after Leviathan? Deep Star Six? The Abyss?

The Good

Underwater has a tremendous atmosphere. this thing nails that claustrophobic panic that you rarely see executed correctly in one of these types of films. I felt that rush of sheer panic throughout this movie, especially in that opening scene.

Speaking of atmosphere, this thing leans real heavy into that Alien aesthetic. There’s a visual language which these films share, that echoes through Underwater. It’s not a bad thing, mind you. Alien is one of my all-time favorite films so i adore seeing that type of production whenever it crops up in cinema. However, it’s hard to homage without embarrassment. Alien was lightning captured in a bottle. It excels at so many things and it does it while looking effortless. Underwater is not that. Underwater is very laborious. It feels like it’s trying too hard to be a Ridley Scott film which is hilarious because i don’t think Ridley Scott even knows how to make an Alien film anymore. Even so, Underwater is the closest to that razor-edged, disgustingly gritty, manic desperation,you feel on the Nostromo so high marks for that.

There is a look to this film, when you can see it, that is incredibly unique. It’s Deep Star Six meets Abyss meets Alien but so much more than that. You can tell that there was a strong vision propelling this world as it began to unfold over the course of the plot.

I cannot praise this opening sequence enough. That sh*t sent me into a straight fervor. I love the way it’s shot. I love the realism in the survival effort. I love the utter futility in Stewart’s face. Excellent. I would have changed one thing but, aside from that, outstanding.

Speaking of Stewart, she gives an excellent performance. I’ve like her, mostly, throughout her career, with the exception of the Twilight films. Those things were the worst but that’s mostly because the source material is sh*t. Given an opportunity, Kristen Stewart can be incredibly compelling in a role. Panic Room, Adventureland, Zathura, American Ultra, The Runaways; All great performances. Personal Shopper is my favorite post-Bella infamy but her role as Norah Price is pretty legit. She’s the most convincing Ellen Ripley i’ve seen onscreen since Sigourney Weaver Cargo Loaded that b*tch out of an airlock.

That creature reveal was pretty legit. Very chestburster in implementation but still worthwhile. Everything hearkens back to Alien with this movie. It’s a little heavy handed cribbing from it’s very blatant inspiration, especially as you continue through the plot and realize there’s a hive, drones, and even a goddamn queen; All with their own independent vision, of course.

The pacing in this flick is mad sprightly. It’s like a power-walk from one scene to the next, clocking in at a surprisingly tight hour and a half, roughly. You get through this entire movie in no time.

The Meh

All that voice over. Ugh. I hate when films do this, especially at he beginning. Sh*t’s the most effective way to completely deplete tension, especially when your film is trying to build up to a sudden, pronounced, event. It works when your main character is in solitude or when there is a principal protagonist but this film does neither of those things. There’s a reason they do things this, way which leads me to my next point, but take away this inner monologue or whatever and certain scenes become far more effective.

TJ Miller is in this movie. He plays TJ Miller. I’m getting tied of TJ Miller.

The rest of the cast did their part. The material most of them had to work with was pretty mundane so their characters are inconsequential, which is a shame because i really like some of these actors. Jessica Henwick is adorable and Mamoudou Athie has proven he has the skill to be big, all the more distressing about that lack of material. Imagine these characters having that initial bonding scene. A little lunch or something, together, before the initial collapse. there’s comradery, you build a sense of endearment to characters while establishing traits, gives your actors room to act so when sh*t hits the fan, you feel it. Hell, having Kristen Stewart go to bed early, only to wake up and go directly into that epic opening sequence would have been brilliant.

The editing in this is hit and miss. Alien was so effective because they didn’t have any goddamn money. They had to be clever with edits and sh*t because they couldn’t afford more film for reshoots. Underwater was shot digitally. There is no film. This is all computers, man, so no restraint of takes. That means no restraint on cuts and there are some absolutely atrocious jump cuts in scenes you do not want them. This is more a critique on modern film making than a knock of this film, specifically, even if it has some of the more aggressive examples i’ve seen of this sh*t in a while.

The actual underwater sequences are dark ad f*ck. It’s hard to see what’s going on most of the time. That’s forgivable, to an extent. The monster you see in your head is always far more terrifying than the one you see with your eyes. I get it. But you can’t see sh*t; Not the monster, not the crew, not the surroundings, nothing. That’s a function of being at the bottom of the goddamn ocean but damn, dude, really? Can a motherf*cker get a more powerful flashlight or something? It’s hard to react when i don’t know what i’m reacting to.

The Bad

The way this thing ends is real bad. Not so much the climax but the resolution. It feels like the production ran out of money. It kind of mirrors the opening credits in a way but, after spending all that time in this world, learning about these characters, ending the film how they did is wildly unsatisfying if a little frustrating. I imagine this was because of budget reasons but, come on? A little extra cash and you could have had a real gem.

The Verdict

For all the praise and indifference i have about this film, the biggest thing that both irks and compels my mild adoration is the fact that it unabashedly wears it’s love for the original Alien on its sleeve. This is Alien, if it were made today, but underwater. That “if it were made today bit” is what kills it. You could get away with something like this back in the day because cats knew how to stretch a dollar. There was minimum studio interference and creators could create, especially with smaller budget fare like this flick. Not so much anymore. Margins are razor thin and every dollar counts so none of the major studios take chances. If this were an A24 film, it’d be be much better but it’s not. It’s a Fox leftover so Disney really wasn’t trying to actually spend more money than they already had. Missed opportunity.

Ultimately, Underwater is a good time. It’s competently made, technically sound, and has a compelling premise that does a decent job of building tension. It does, however, drop the ball on characterization. you never feel part of this crew. it doesn’t have that comradely scene like Alien does and you need that in this type of flick so when the horror starts, you feel the loss. You don’t feel anything for these people. They’re characters not a crew. Outside of that, the performances are decent and the effects were much better than you’d expect for how much this thing cost to make. They flub the landing, for sure, but the ride to that point is pretty entertaining. Underwater feels like there was more they wanted to say, more they wanted to do, but the rug was pulled out from under the creators at the last minute and they had to run with what they had to the box office. I’d say give it a shot but don’t judge it against it’s very obvious inspiration. Alien is forty years unassailable but Underwater does pulls off a decent homage. If this thing was cared for a little more by the studio, this could have been a contender for that crown. As it stands, it’s the best Alien film since Aliens. Underwater is thrilling at times, groan-worthy at others, a little disappointing toward the end, but entertaining throughout. It’s definitely worth a watch.

[smokeybrand]

Smokey brand Movie Reviews: Deepest Dive

Thalassophobia is the fear of the ocean. I have that sh*t in spades. It’s deep, dark, and unknown. As a grown man in his mid thirties who can’t swim a stroke, i respectfully refrain from entering the sea. That said, i marvel at what has been found there. What little we have found there. We know more about the goddamn moon, than we do about what’s under our own waves, here at home and that’s staggering to me. How can something be so abundant, so dominate, and simultaneously, so unknown? That’s craziness to me. When i heard about Underwater, i immediately knew i had to see this movie. I’m entranced by these types of films because the possibility of some, undiscovered, gigantic, predatory, deep sea creature is very real. Exploring that reality, letting your imagination play in that sandbox,always kicks out something unique, and often, profound. Does Underwater pull this off? Did i finish this film feeling the way i did after Leviathan? Deep Star Six? The Abyss?

The Good

Underwater has a tremendous atmosphere. this thing nails that claustrophobic panic that you rarely see executed correctly in one of these types of films. I felt that rush of sheer panic throughout this movie, especially in that opening scene.

Speaking of atmosphere, this thing leans real heavy into that Alien aesthetic. There’s a visual language which these films share, that echoes through Underwater. It’s not a bad thing, mind you. Alien is one of my all-time favorite films so i adore seeing that type of production whenever it crops up in cinema. However, it’s hard to homage without embarrassment. Alien was lightning captured in a bottle. It excels at so many things and it does it while looking effortless. Underwater is not that. Underwater is very laborious. It feels like it’s trying too hard to be a Ridley Scott film which is hilarious because i don’t think Ridley Scott even knows how to make an Alien film anymore. Even so, Underwater is the closest to that razor-edged, disgustingly gritty, manic desperation,you feel on the Nostromo so high marks for that.

There is a look to this film, when you can see it, that is incredibly unique. It’s Deep Star Six meets Abyss meets Alien but so much more than that. You can tell that there was a strong vision propelling this world as it began to unfold over the course of the plot.

I cannot praise this opening sequence enough. That sh*t sent me into a straight fervor. I love the way it’s shot. I love the realism in the survival effort. I love the utter futility in Stewart’s face. Excellent. I would have changed one thing but, aside from that, outstanding.

Speaking of Stewart, she gives an excellent performance. I’ve like her, mostly, throughout her career, with the exception of the Twilight films. Those things were the worst but that’s mostly because the source material is sh*t. Given an opportunity, Kristen Stewart can be incredibly compelling in a role. Panic Room, Adventureland, Zathura, American Ultra, The Runaways; All great performances. Personal Shopper is my favorite post-Bella infamy but her role as Norah Price is pretty legit. She’s the most convincing Ellen Ripley i’ve seen onscreen since Sigourney Weaver Cargo Loaded that b*tch out of an airlock.

That creature reveal was pretty legit. Very chestburster in implementation but still worthwhile. Everything hearkens back to Alien with this movie. It’s a little heavy handed cribbing from it’s very blatant inspiration, especially as you continue through the plot and realize there’s a hive, drones, and even a goddamn queen; All with their own independent vision, of course.

The pacing in this flick is mad sprightly. It’s like a power-walk from one scene to the next, clocking in at a surprisingly tight hour and a half, roughly. You get through this entire movie in no time.

The Meh

All that voice over. Ugh. I hate when films do this, especially at he beginning. Sh*t’s the most effective way to completely deplete tension, especially when your film is trying to build up to a sudden, pronounced, event. It works when your main character is in solitude or when there is a principal protagonist but this film does neither of those things. There’s a reason they do things this, way which leads me to my next point, but take away this inner monologue or whatever and certain scenes become far more effective.

TJ Miller is in this movie. He plays TJ Miller. I’m getting tied of TJ Miller.

The rest of the cast did their part. The material most of them had to work with was pretty mundane so their characters are inconsequential, which is a shame because i really like some of these actors. Jessica Henwick is adorable and Mamoudou Athie has proven he has the skill to be big, all the more distressing about that lack of material. Imagine these characters having that initial bonding scene. A little lunch or something, together, before the initial collapse. there’s comradery, you build a sense of endearment to characters while establishing traits, gives your actors room to act so when sh*t hits the fan, you feel it. Hell, having Kristen Stewart go to bed early, only to wake up and go directly into that epic opening sequence would have been brilliant.

The editing in this is hit and miss. Alien was so effective because they didn’t have any goddamn money. They had to be clever with edits and sh*t because they couldn’t afford more film for reshoots. Underwater was shot digitally. There is no film. This is all computers, man, so no restraint of takes. That means no restraint on cuts and there are some absolutely atrocious jump cuts in scenes you do not want them. This is more a critique on modern film making than a knock of this film, specifically, even if it has some of the more aggressive examples i’ve seen of this sh*t in a while.

The actual underwater sequences are dark ad f*ck. It’s hard to see what’s going on most of the time. That’s forgivable, to an extent. The monster you see in your head is always far more terrifying than the one you see with your eyes. I get it. But you can’t see sh*t; Not the monster, not the crew, not the surroundings, nothing. That’s a function of being at the bottom of the goddamn ocean but damn, dude, really? Can a motherf*cker get a more powerful flashlight or something? It’s hard to react when i don’t know what i’m reacting to.

The Bad

The way this thing ends is real bad. Not so much the climax but the resolution. It feels like the production ran out of money. It kind of mirrors the opening credits in a way but, after spending all that time in this world, learning about these characters, ending the film how they did is wildly unsatisfying if a little frustrating. I imagine this was because of budget reasons but, come on? A little extra cash and you could have had a real gem.

The Verdict

For all the praise and indifference i have about this film, the biggest thing that both irks and compels my mild adoration is the fact that it unabashedly wears it’s love for the original Alien on its sleeve. This is Alien, if it were made today, but underwater. That “if it were made today bit” is what kills it. You could get away with something like this back in the day because cats knew how to stretch a dollar. There was minimum studio interference and creators could create, especially with smaller budget fare like this flick. Not so much anymore. Margins are razor thin and every dollar counts so none of the major studios take chances. If this were an A24 film, it’d be be much better but it’s not. It’s a Fox leftover so Disney really wasn’t trying to actually spend more money than they already had. Missed opportunity.

Ultimately, Underwater is a good time. It’s competently made, technically sound, and has a compelling premise that does a decent job of building tension. It does, however, drop the ball on characterization. you never feel part of this crew. it doesn’t have that comradely scene like Alien does and you need that in this type of flick so when the horror starts, you feel the loss. You don’t feel anything for these people. They’re characters not a crew. Outside of that, the performances are decent and the effects were much better than you’d expect for how much this thing cost to make. They flub the landing, for sure, but the ride to that point is pretty entertaining. Underwater feels like there was more they wanted to say, more they wanted to do, but the rug was pulled out from under the creators at the last minute and they had to run with what they had to the box office. I’d say give it a shot but don’t judge it against it’s very obvious inspiration. Alien is forty years unassailable but Underwater does pulls off a decent homage. If this thing was cared for a little more by the studio, this could have been a contender for that crown. As it stands, it’s the best Alien film since Aliens. Underwater is thrilling at times, groan-worthy at others, a little disappointing toward the end, but entertaining throughout. It’s definitely worth a watch.

[smokeybrand]

Cuz They Good

With all the heat R. Kelly has been taking since this documentary has dropped, it’s kind of disheartening seeing so many individuals still supporting dude. There have been several rebuffs, sure, but, at the same time, dude just did a show out set in a Chicago club not a week ago. Admittedly, it’s a far more intimate venue that he used to play, but it still proves there’s a swell of support for this monster among the black community. Even in the show, there were adult women still entering relationships with this cat, even after the whole CP trial and whatnot. It’s wild! R. Kelly is a monster that should be locked in the basement of federal, butt-rape, prison but that’s not the point of this post. What I want to focus on is the very real question of when does separation between art and artist, falter?

I, personally, don’t f*ck with Kells. I haven’t for a very long time. I used to, bro makes classics, but after that tape dropped? Nah, I was good. When he dropped Ignition during his trial, I knew exactly what that was; distraction. And I knew it would work, too. People have short memories. Even shorter when you dangle shiny baubles in their faces. Ignition was banger, I admit that. It was all over the radio. It got pushed, hard. A lot harder than Kelly’s pedophilia trial. I remember that sh*t was all over the news cycle and then it wasn’t. he was acquitted. If I recall, there was a second trial, too, over CP. That one was mad quiet and then ended even quieter. That one took a few years, and, in that time, we got Step In The Name Of love and All of those Trapped In The Closet records. And once again, no one is talking about that CP but everyone is talking about Kelly’s genius. Even now, bro has a sex harem, is legitimately trafficking young women around, and there has been an uptick in his streams on Spotify. Are you f*cking serious? How is this not disgusting to people?

Harvey Weinstein was a glorified kingmaker in Hollywood. He wielded ridiculous power out there. If you wanted a legitimate Oscar push, she dealt with his bullsh*t. Dude got away with that nonsense for years, masking his disgusting behavior with altruism and success. Eventually, his house of cards came tumbling down and he has become a pariah in his own court. But the question, now, is do all those Oscars shine a little less because Harvey was a pig? Do all the Tarantino and Rodríguezes lose a little of their luster because they got their start under a sexual predator? Louis C.K.is a card-carrying pervert but dude is also a genius. Can you still enjoy his show now that we know about his weird masturbation shenanigans? What about Chloe Moretz? She was poised to have a hit by starring alongside of the skyrocketing C.K. in a flick that looked pretty legit. Now, that thing is buried, and she won’t have the opportunity to screen something she put months of her life into. Is that fair to her? How does someone watch a Woody Allen or Roman Polanski flick without being creeped out? How can you separate their very real genius from their very real monstrousness?

What about the cats who carry the most heinous of rumors but were never definitively proven like Spielberg or Michael Jackson? Spielberg allegedly auctioned off ol’ girl from Poltergeist who them died from a bowel obstruction. There’s been rumors for years that he’s into the twinks and young boys. Kind of why he casts so many in his films. I love Jurassic Park. I also love Ready Player One. I also know that Ty Sheridan basically sucked Bryan Singer’s dick for the entirety of his stint as Cyclops in X-Men: Apocalypse. Dude literally had to be Singer’s boyfriend to get the part. It’s not a stretch for me to see the connections between Singer’s f*ck parties and the alleged f*ck party auctions that Spielberg used to have at Neverland Ranch. Ans then there’s THAT guy. Michael Jackson is the most successful recording artists in history and I am more than certain he raped children. It’s never been proven and, indeed, he was acquitted of those charges a few years before he died but, come on, they found a hidden sex dungeon full of kiddy porn in the walls of his house. That sh*t happened, man! That mess is real life documented. Why else would you give kids “Jesus juice” during sleepovers? As I stated above, Spielberg used to have auctions for kids at Jackson’s ranch. They used to be tight but after Spielberg abandoned him during his first Pedi trial, Jackson distanced himself from the director. He felt betrayed and sacrificed by his rape circle or whatever. I want to reiterate that none of this has been proven the, but the circumstantial evidence is overwhelming. I can’t listen to Thriller like I use to anymore. I can’t watch Jaws like I used to anymore. These men are monsters that destroy live and, in the case of Spielberg, was the direct cause of legitimately losing a life. How can I? How can anyone?

But there are people out there that do. A lot of them. Like, SO many. I still have Bill Cosby apologist within my own family. Dude raped 50 women but because he’s a black man, it’s a witch hunt. Bro, those numbers are staggering. If ¾ of his accusers were lying, that still leaves 12 people who have legit cases. Of even HALF of those are provable, that 6 women he raped. 6. And that’s the most generous of numbers that I can muster. Cosby was even convicted of one count and cats are STILL crying foul! Why? Because he meant a great deal to the culture? That’s enough of an exchange for the lives he destroyed? F*ck, no, dude. Never! Bill Cosby, like all these famous, powerful, or influential predators, are monsters that need to be slain. They need to lose everything they have earned and be held accountable for their abhorrent actions. I don’t give a sh*t how good they are at what they do, these mother*ckers deserve the very worst. It’s only fair. You can’t separate what you like from what you don’t and still have the moral high ground to condemn. You can’t. You can’t call R. Kelly a monster then blast Ignition. You can’t show your kids E.T. then demand Spielberg come clean about those disgusting rumors. You can’t decry Michael Jackson while moonwalking to Smooth Criminal. These cats make great sh*t. They are geniuses in their craft. But they’ve used that talent to mask incredibly dark tendencies, tendencies they’d never be able to indulge if everyone didn’t revere their art so highly. You can’t separate the art from the artists when the artist is a goddamn monster. That sh*t just enables the monster’s ability to destroy. It excuses the monster’s behavior and, if you’re one of these apologist, you should be ashamed of yourself.