#does that make me a narcissist? who knows. who cares. i'm quitting the course (not bc of this lol)

[fingertipsmp3]

Also forgot to mention a guy in my class today said that blogging is narcissistic. I just sat there like 🫠

[bl00dlight]

i saw this ask on another blog and then recently i came across a reddit post abt this exacttt thing. but it did make me wonder, cause I know u got some opinions but, what do u think about Aemond being a blood supremacist? alot of team greens deny it but idk... he literally says it in the show? the blog also disagreed I think to. also love love love ur fic nd I like how u haven't made aemond and visenya like besties. cause I agree with ur other rant to, there is soooo much soft, Mary Sue stuff with aemond and it dosent really fit him as a character at all.

First of all thank you sm for reading the fic. I literally just cracked open my mother fucken laptop one day and was like "IM OVER IT!!!". But yes, I agree, so many fics really like project an idealised version of Aemond. Which is totally fine, no hate no hate but, I just prefer canon accurate characterisation with everything.

But to answer your question, I feel like it's pretty straightforward and I'm also really surprised this a debate? Yes, Aemond is obviously a valryian supremacist. Almost all the Targs are to some degree and the Velaryons. But Aemond quite literally references the importance of keeping their valyrian blood pure and is deeply obessesed with dragons. "It would keep our Valyrian blood pure." Coming from a 13 year old boy is like a clear indicator that, yes homie is pro-targ supremacy. He is also the mirror of Daemon... who is also pro-targ supremacy.

I don't believe that Aemond commented on Helaena in ep7 just to display how "dutiful" he is. We know for a FACT Aemond is not dutiful, he is ambitious/power hungry. That is his whole arc, especially in Fire + Blood. Homeboy is dutiful in the same way Daemon is. It's not about actually caring for what is right or wrong, it's about his own proximity to power. I think alot of people really misinterpret Aemond's lines regarding duty as being a display of dedication. When in reality, it's narcissistic grandiosity lol. Like straight up. His envy of Aegon isn't "ugh I'd be a much better King because I care about protecting the realm, helping the smallfolk, maintaining order, doing what is right." It's "ugh, I'd me a much better King because I'm BETTER." We can see that in ep 9 when he literally gives out a list to Cole, why he would make a superior King to Aegon. Not once does he mention anything outside of what he perceives as his own brilliance. This is a book Aemond quote when he becomes Prince Regent and wears Aegon the Conqueror's crown "It looks better on me than it ever did on him,". So here we have another indicator that this isn't about being a good dutiful brother, this is about him living out his Rogue Prince fantasy.

I feel like people may bring up Alys Rivers as a counterpoint but again, I don't see why? Because remember, Aemond literally slaughtered her entire House because he hated the Strongs. He would make fun of Jace and Luke's appearance in Fire and Blood for like lack of Valyrian features. He left Alys alive so he could take her as a "prize" to use as a 'bedmate' / 'paramour'. This wasn't recorded as a consensual reltionship, and of course Alys went with it because what else is she gonna do? Fight him? He just slaughtered her entire bloodline, just BECAUSE of their blood. She's on thin ice. By today's standards she was put into sexual slavery. (unfortunately fire & blood is an unreliable text and it was written to be contradictory, so literally there is no actual canonical understanding of their relationship) Also a significant amount of fire and blood was written by those from the Greens side, and there are claims she bewitched him etc etc so that he wouldn't kill her. Regardless, the point is, Aemond fucking Alys isn't a marker of his progressive belief that Targaryen's aren't superior? If anything it reinforces it because he has literally chosen a woman who in every single way is completely socially 'inferior' to himself. Again, it's about power and vengeance. Him taking Alys is saying "look at me, I can do whatever the fuck I want. I can burn the Riverlands down, I can slaughter an entire House and then, I can fuck the last very last woman left because I CHOSE TO KEEP HER ALIVE." And he did it again, he abandoned Alys at one point and left her captive to another mother fucker just to get more vengeance on the Blacks after Helaena's last child dies (i can make a post on the suspicious Helaena x Aemond parallels in fire and blood) and then eventually came back to get her again. He don't really give that much of a fuck, in my opinion. She is not an example of him not being a bigot. And we see this in the real world too. Powerful bigots have historically sexually enslaved whom they oppress. *cough cough, literally ww2*. Sex is a power exchange in many ways, and Aemond taking Alys to fuck, after he spent his entire life loathing her family and KILLING THEM, is not some star-crossed lover shit. It's him continuing his reign of abuse on the Strongs. He kept one of them alive, just to fuck. That is an active example of his supremacist beliefs. There is also speculation Alys got pregnant, but it's never confirmed. However, his son would be another Strong bastard. And it wouldn't mean shit to him, because is that not the ultimate "haha im superior" to interject himself into the Strong line? To be the one which controls it's survival?

Also again, we see it time and time again with Targ men. They believe in Targ supremacy, actively want to participate in their 'traditions', while also wanting booty calls. Daemon does the same thing, homie fucks women left and right, yet still loved /married Rhaneyra because she was a Targaryen like him. Viserys iii also, fucked other women, yet canonically wanted to marry Daenerys once he assumed the throne to continue their bloodline.

Because marriage is very different from sex in this universe. Marriage and sex are two completely separate ideas. So it makes sense for Aemond to believe that Targaryen's should maintain their Valyrian blood through marriage because it is a marker of supremacy; while he also wants to exclaim is dominance through having sex with a woman who is 'beneath' him. Aemond is also an actual misogynist in the books too. So again? In what world does he look at Alys as his equal?

Thus, why marriage/love/legitmate children is reserved for Targaryen women, and sex is reserved for prostitutes, bedmates etc. People be forgetting, in this society women are used at the whims of men, LAWFULLY - like it's their right to do so, and women are very much given social status based on how men view them sexually. Madonna/Whore complex.

Which is kinda interesting if we even go further to talk about Helaena and Aemond...

Funnily enough, this exact topic will come up in my fic. Anyway, that's my take on it. That's kinda why the strong niece fics never made sense to me, because it is so contradictory to the motives behind what he does.

[kerrikins]

It's hard for me to tell at the moment whether I can't see anything in the Build tag because of the massive amounts of spam or if it's just that people aren't saying anything, but I guess that is neither here nor there, other than that if nobody is saying anything after the last week it leaves me a bit ??

I last posted about this whole topic back in July - if I remember it was right at the start of the July 17th leaks, though at this point I'll admit that it's all become a bit of a blur. We've had what, now, five leaks since May? Yeah.

I've thought a lot about whether or not to post again since then. I had a friend visiting from out of the country at the time, and between that and the insanity that is my workplace at the moment, I quite frankly did not have the time or the brain space to actually work through my thoughts and put them down on paper, so to speak. When I did have some more time things had quieted down again, and I thought - well, no use dredging it up again, since I'd already laid out a lot of my thoughts here and then on twitter, too. There was also the unspoken fact that I didn't know whether or not there would be another leak, of course.

So here we are a month later coming off of another round, and after the last week I feel the need to finally get some things off my chest.

First of all, I've done some poking around and I'm disappointed but unsurprised to see that as usual, there is very little discussion outside of pro-Build spaces about how disturbing and obsessive all this is. The campaign of hate, bullying, harassment, coercion and blackmail continues and by and large people are happy to participate in it because apparently those things become okay when they are dealing with someone they view as a bad person as long as they pay lip service to 'well they're both bad people', which does not even come close to being an actual criticism of what she's doing. As always, there's also little discussion of the clear fact that she obviously doesn't care who she hurts during this process, even if it's the faves of the same fans participating in the hate campaign.

None of this aligns with my moral code. It never will. I think it's disgusting and I think that the people participating in it should be ashamed of themselves, though I know that they never will be.

I've gone into detail on all of this before, however, so I don't see the point in going into it again. I will simply state that yes, I do still believe in second chances and opportunities for redemption for anyone, regardless of what they have done. So I will always say that people should give Build the chance to try and be a better person, and that they shouldn't try to dictate to others whether or not they support him.

However (you knew that was coming, right?) - what's in those messages doesn't align with my moral code either. And yeah, I do feel like I need to say it, partly because I feel like the bubble/byl fandom at large is being a bit too dismissive of it.

I get it. I laid out up above why I think what is being done to Build is wrong. I haven't changed my mind on that. People feel so strongly that what is being done to him is wrong that it makes them extremely defensive of him.

But this situation isn't black and white and never has been, and multiple things can be true.

Example A: Some people who hate Build are guilty of behaving extremely badly and contributing to the harassment and bullying and blackmail.

On the flip side: some people who support him are guilty of hating on the other cast members in spite of the fact that there's no evidence of them doing anything. Some are also guilty of willfully turning a blind eye to the fact that he has admitted the messages are his and has apologized for them - which means that as of today the current evidence we have says that they are his, they're not fake, and he is taking responsibility for them.

Example B: His ex is clearly mentally unwell, a narcissist who is obsessed with revenge and is conducting a hate campaign to turpedo his life and career while benefiting her own.

On the flip side: it seems clear that Build is guilty of awful behaviour, of saying horrible things about people who were seemingly nothing but kind to him, of being homophobic, racist and sexist. (I'm not going to touch on the abuse allegations here because I've discussed those previously.)

Again: yes, I do think he should be given the chance to start over and redeem himself and I like to think he's capable of it, but fans really should be acknowledging what he's redeeming himself FROM.

From what I've witnessed in a lot of spaces - that's not happening. I've seen a lot of denial, I've seen a lot of handwaving and glossing over the situation. I've seen some insane claims, too. Some fans are going so far as to say that they think that his show was never going to happen, that the messages are all doctored and this is all a plot between the company, his ex and his former co-stars. (Which is just - ??? I don't even know where to start.)

Some are simply refusing to read the messages (how can a person defend him if they don't know what they're defending? I don't quite understand) while others simultaneously claim that the translations out there are misleading - but refuse to share 'acceptable' translations because that's privacy invasion. Again - ???

It's insane and downright exhausting and I am just... done. I speak up for what I think is right and call out what I think is wrong, and I while I think the handling of this is horrendous and has been from the start, I also think it's wrong to minimize and downplay what he's done. In his apology he's holding himself accountable for what he did, why won't some of his fandom? How can people argue for him to get a second chance if they won't even admit what he did that he needs a second chance for? Technically this is a third chance, I might add, because some of those messages are from after his scandal last summer.

I want to reiterate here that I don't hate Build. It seems like so often any criticism of his behaviour at all means that suddenly you're an anti or that you hate him or you're against him. I'm not going to suddenly go on diatribes about how he's a horrible person. I think it's likely that there's a lot more going on here than what meets the eye, particularly since there are people who are still well liked by most of the fandom who have stood by him until July (a certain picture that was posted with a filter comes to mind, as does someone who liked every single one of his posts since his return until they were mentioned in one of the leaked messages).

What I mean here is simply this: I don't think Build is a cartoon villain, I think he's a whole person capable of a variety of things, both good and bad.

I also want to make it clear here that I'm not here to hate on people in the fandom. I mean - glass house, stones, all that. But also I think we've had enough of that. This fandom is one of the most polarized I've ever been in and the vitriol is off the charts, I'm not going to contribute to it.

I guess my hope is just that people will think about why and how they're choosing to come to his defense, if for no other reason than the fact that in my opinon and experience, the more extreme fan claims are making it worse for him, not better. I've said this on twitter and I'll say it here - when people are confronted with attempts to downplay things, it makes them more intent on proving the opposite. If you acknowledge them then you change the footing and the conversation can move on to other things.

As I said, this is a complex situation. It's okay to acknowledge that. Things don't have to be black and white. A lot of fans are in echo chambers right now on both sides of the aisle.

Anyway. I truly hope that this will be the last post that I ever have to make on this subject. For now, at least, I've said my piece and addressed what I need to in order to feel comfortable and not just like I'm avoiding talking about the topic.

In the meantime I've turned my attention to Bible and the rest of the cast because I always have and continue to adore them and I feel like I've neglected them over the last six months (as much as a fan can neglect celebrities, of course). For all my issues with the company, I've always loved the cast.

I'm more active on Twitter than here, but I do go back and forth between the two sites.

Take care. 💗

[drh3nryj3kyll]

Hello! I’ve seen your posts and reblog an about nod as well as other people’s and they were a bit nervrackingly relatable. I did a built of research on it but I want to know a bit about it from a real person who has it before I try to get diagnosed. So can you tell me like symptoms and things like that? If you’d like

Of course! I'm assuming you meant NPD and nod is a typo. Just a warning, I am self-diagnosed (I've done months of research and reflection, though, and was in denial for a while) but I do plan to get an official diagnosis sometime in the future, I don't trust mental healthcare here but I might try the next time I see my psychiatrist.

Anyway, I'll get started. The experiences of pwNPD (people with NPD) may vary, but I'll speak from my experiences.

I tend to be very self-focused, arrogant, and especially hyperfixated on the idea of me being successful. My need to be successful, to be someone is something that deeply affects me in my daily life. I might act like I'm the best and seem quite pretentious, but admittedly, the self-esteem of pwNPD is extremely fragile. Big ego (which is also fragile), fragile self-esteem. I also withdraw from any situation in which I know or think I have a possibility of failure. For me, this includes music. I also tend to get pettily upset at even the smallest losses, like, for example, when I lost a simple checkers match with my partner. That was well over weeks ago, but my ego still hasn't recovered from that. A lot of pwNPD also have difficulty with empathy. I'm not sure if my low empathy is due to my autism or my NPD, but I experience it nonetheless. I have a lot of difficulty imagining what others feel like or even caring about how they feel, even if it's someone I like. I do try to help or comfort them, but inevitably I don't empathise with them. It's rare, but I have heard of high empathy pwNPD too. Many pwNPD struggle with vulnerability as well. It makes us feel weak, incompetent, the sort. We don't want that because we want to see ourselves as perfect, which is why it can sometimes be really difficult to trust people with our feelings. I don't even trust my own boyfriends to be vulnerable with them.

Why does NPD develop? NPD develops usually in childhood to early adulthood, and is lifelong. Most of the time it's from childhood trauma or excessive praise at an early age. Now me? My father was mostly absent during my entire life, I'm hyperverbal, meaning I was able to make use of language at a very early age, and I'm a skilled artist and story writer, I've also been very knowledgeable and curious, and quite ambitious at a young age. Of course, this led to the adults around me constantly praising me when I was young, constantly indirectly setting expectations for me, telling me I'd be something great. Soon, the praise, at least from my mother, felt very half-assed and I started feeling like I was doing something wrong. I'd always been very ambitious, so I don't know how I could live with myself if I died a nobody. I've had some trauma too which really stressed me out, etc., which could've contributed to how I am now.

There are also things like narc crashes. NPD crashes often occur when a pwNPD doesn't have enough supply, but it may happen after receiving critique or otherwise too. Supply is what narcissists need to keep themselves from crashing, which typically includes amounts of praise or compliments. When I crash, I tend to withdraw from people and be overly critical of myself or quite angry, and it often results in my mental breakdowns or meltdowns due to my incapability of handling strong emotions.

And heres a resources masterlist, they have a diagnostic criteria somewhere in there too https://www.tumblr.com/mischiefmanifold/728311937261355008/image-description-dark-pink-text-on-a-pale-pink?source=share

Even if you do end up not having NPD but still seem to struggle with things we do, or if you do find out you have NPD, here are some things that you might find useful.

Make people aware of your needs. It's okay to ask for a little praise or compliments once in a while, and they can really make me feel better and prevent me from crashing or having a meltdown. I also have a bot for compliments over here.

Keep a little collection, maybe a corner or an album, of things you're proud of. When you're feeling worthless it can help to look back on previous achievements and strive to be better.

Remember to be patient with yourself. It's fine to be the way you are, it's fine if you won't change, it's fine, really. But I know if you're struggling with how NPD or NPD traits affect you if you do have it, you can definitely find a way to properly accommodate yourself and your needs to live better.

I'm still learning myself on how to accommodate my needs and work through my struggles, but I hope that helps.

Tell me if you have any more questions or concerns!

[hebimoonlightwrites]

Hiiii! , I saw the response to my request thanks for taking it and exactly¡ twc is the abbreviation for "the whiskers cats" and yup~ I would like it to be for all the members of this group <3, I got used to calling them that, I'm sorry I should specify :')

Request, part 1: Hello, if it is still open, I would like to ask for headcanons with an energetic and a bit narcissistic s/o haha, she is a winner of several beauty contests and always aspires to win more until she becomes miss universe, also being "queen" she likes to use its power to represent charitable causes for twc <33 please and thanks in advance, if its too exaggerated or hard to do i can change it just tell me :))

Writer's corner: Hi, sweetheart! Don't worry about your request. If it's challenging, I'm ready to try to satisfy your expectations! Also I personally love it and can't wait to write it for you! Please, darl, if you do not like the result, tell me and ask for something else, so I can make another kind of story/headcanons for you. Hope you'll enjoy the reading, though~

Warnings: none~

⋆𝒯𝒞𝒲⋆ 𝓌𝒾𝓉𝒽 𝒶 𝒻𝑒𝓂!𝓈/𝑜 𝓌𝒽𝑜'𝓈 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒾𝒻𝓊𝓁, 𝓃𝒶𝓇𝒸𝒾𝓈𝓈𝒾𝓈𝓉𝒾𝒸 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓇𝒾𝓉𝒶𝒷𝓁𝑒

⋆Saimon would be surely the one to support charitable causes, no doubt, because he's generous and always ready to help the others.

⋆I don't really know how he'd like to be with a narcissistic and energetic s/o, but I guess he wouldn't mind it at all.

⋆I think he'd support his s/o, even if she's having some utopian dreams, like becoming Miss Universe and keep winning beauty contests.

⋆He would be there to keep her in mind that he loves her and that, even if she doesn't become Miss Universe as she would like to, he will love her forever, no matter what.

⋆"S/o.. I'd still love you, even if you didn't win any other beauty contests."

⋆Naoakira would surely be the one to also tell her that beauty is not the only things that really matters in the world and that he fell for her because of her personality, for her tenacity.

⋆But he would also indulged all his s/o's random statements about how beautiful and unique she is!

⋆He'd be there, sitting with some papers about the Bar 4/7's payments or his students' exams to check, and suddenly hear her from a nearby mirror, saying how beautiful she is and how incredible her make-up is today.

⋆He'd smile softly and turn his head to look at her. Then he'd surely reply with a nod and tell her, giggling to himself:

⋆"Of course you are, my dear! I wouldn't replace you with anyone else!"

⋆When he knows that his s/o is representing some charitable causes, he'd surely be proud of her!

⋆Like.. it's important to give the example to the world and not to ignore who is in need.

⋆Saimon would hope, though, that his s/o is seriously caring about those causes, and not representing them only for some more fame.

⋆He'd be quite disappointed to find it out.

⋆But his s/o is adorably kind.. of course she does care about those causes!!

⋆In general, though, he wouldn't mind to show with her in public ... or well, he wouldn't until he'd see some paparazzi approaching and taking some pictures.

⋆All those camera flashes would annoy him, indeed, but not his s/o, who'd be standing straight, brightly smiling with a narcissitic expression on her face.

⋆"We should go, dear.. don't you think?.."

⋆But we can't deny the fact that Naoakira would seem so amazing next to a famous and beautiful woman!

⋆Just imagine him wearing his usual suit, with a coat and his elegant hat and then imagine to see next to him a beautiful woman well-dressed! (I don't insert any description here, 'cause every kind of beauty is accepted!! Just imagine the beauty you prefer~!")

⋆"𝑀𝒾𝓇𝓇𝑜𝓇 𝑜𝓇 𝓃𝑜𝓉 𝓂𝒾𝓇𝓇𝑜𝓇, 𝓎𝑜𝓊'𝓇𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝓉𝒽𝑒 𝓁𝑜𝓋𝑒 𝑜𝒻 𝓂𝓎 𝓁𝒾𝒻𝑒. Beautiful because of your tenacity and your energy.. I'd love you even if you wouldn't be famous."

⋆As Saimon, even Yohei is compassionate and would definitely support a charitable cause without any kind of hesitation.

⋆It's quite funny and unrealistic to think all this about a man who was in yakuza.. But this is what really happened, though~

⋆As I said, he used to be in a yakuza group, but it's said that he changed his own behaviour after his meeting with Saimon and became a man among men.

⋆He'd be amazing next to a beautiful woman, because I think he's charming~

⋆So they definitely would be a great and charming couple together, maybe surrounded by a lot of paparazzi and their cameras flashing!

⋆But I think he'd be a little bit more serious about charitable causes than how his s/o would.

⋆If he found out that she's representing some because she wants to become even more famous, then I headcanon that he'd be furious!

⋆"You shouldn't play with this kind of stuff! While you're getting money, there are some dying people behind the corner!"

⋆After a small argument he'd convince himself that his dear s/o is serious about those causes, and calm himself down, quite relieved.

⋆It's useless to say that also Bar 4/7 would feel the effect of Yohei's s/o's fame, because more people, even and especially her fans, would go to the bar and drink, maybe hoping to see her somewhere.

⋆It'd be helping the bar's business!

⋆But I headcanon that Yohei would be also a little bit jealous when he sees his s/o surrounded by plenty of male fans.

⋆"Get away from my lover! Don't you see you're suffocating her?! Keep the distance, you morons!"

⋆Besides I even headcanon him blushing heavily, with his eyes sparkling, when he'd see his s/o wearing a dress which really fit her well.

⋆"You're beautiful, babe.. This dress seems to be created only for you!"

⋆Also I think Yohei would continuously tell his s/o how beautiful she is and even try to demonstrate it..

⋆At some point he would also wonder if he has really made her feel beautiful in some way.....

⋆"You're my Miss Universe, babe."

⋆That's how I think he'd decide to keep a more romantic and gentle relationship between both, by giving her some presents or even cooking for her.

⋆In short he'd make even impossible things to prove his s/o how he loves her.

⋆"Everyone tells you that you're gorgeous, babe.. But 𝒽𝒶𝓈 𝒶𝓃𝓎𝒷𝑜𝒹𝓎 𝓂𝒶𝒹𝑒 𝓎𝑜𝓊 𝒻𝑒𝑒𝓁 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒾𝒻𝓊𝓁 𝒿𝓊𝓈𝓉 𝒶𝓈 𝐼 𝒶𝓁𝓌𝒶𝓎𝓈 𝒽𝒶𝓋𝑒~?"

⋆Shiki is a babyyy!!

⋆He'd be so embarrassed and also keep blushing a lot around his s/o!!

⋆He wouldn't feel enough for being beside her...

⋆Like, seriously.. How could a charming girl, as his s/o, like someone as insignificant as him?

⋆I kinda and seriously imagine him being so clumsy even in pictures beside her!

⋆He wouldn't be photogenic at all and kinda address himself as a failure in these cases, poor baby.

⋆His shape would be so panicked or even blurry, while his s/o's one would be amazing and even attractive!

⋆"Oof... I'm a mess.."

⋆But he'd be happy to find out that his adorable s/o is caring about some charitable causes!

⋆"You're representing some charitable causes?!... I'm so proud of you, s/o!! Hope everything will be fine!"

⋆Shiki would definitely try to join her with those causes not just because he does really care about them too, but also because he'd like to spend more time with his s/o.

⋆I don't know why, but I think he'd prefer seeing her helping some poor people to seeing her in front of a mirror, keeping saying to herself that she's gorgeous and that nobody is amazing except for herself.

⋆I guess Shiki would fall in love with his s/o more after seeing her sweet smile after a "thank you" by a poor and hungry child.

⋆Shiki would also ask her why she's so focused on becoming Miss Universe..

⋆I mean... she's already famous and beautiful, also she's talented in other kind of stuff..

⋆Why is she so obsessed with beauty's titles?

⋆That's when Shiki would start to wonder if those titles aren't just a way to get more confidence for his sweet s/o..

⋆Maybe she's struggling in confidence and need others to tell her that she's beautiful?

⋆After this thought he would totally convinced himself to ask her one day.

⋆Shiki would meet her after school and get to his apartment, which is upstairs in Bar 4/7, and talk to her.

⋆"Beauty is not so important, s/o... Just look at me.. 𝐼'𝓂 𝒶 𝓂𝑒𝓈𝓈, 𝒷𝓊𝓉 𝓎𝑜𝓊'𝓋𝑒 𝒶𝒸𝒸𝑒𝓅𝓉𝑒𝒹 𝓂𝑒 𝑒𝓋𝑒𝓃 𝓉𝒽𝑜𝓊𝑔𝒽 𝐼 𝒶𝓂… That's what really counts.. To find someone who loves you for the way you are.. And I love you a lot"..

⋆Ryu would be the one more photogenic among TCW... and you're not gonna change my mind in any way!

⋆He'd be so happy standing beside his s/o while some paparazzi are taking pictures!

⋆He'd keep making some cute expressions with his face, like putting his tongue out or even funny expressions like opening his eyes wide like a scared person!

⋆He'd be yell "Thank youuuuuuuuuu!!!!" to paparazzi while his s/o would laugh a lot, seeing him so excited!

⋆"So those men are taking some pictures of Ryu-kun and s/o-chan everytime they see Ryu-kun and s/o-chan together..? It's going to be FUNNYyYyY!!"

⋆He wouldn't mind his s/o's narcissism at all.

⋆On the contrary I headcanon him being next to his darl while she's making her own make-up and ask her for making his too.

⋆"What is this THING?!... *cough cough*!!!"

⋆With Ryu, their couple would be addessed as the weirdest as well as the funniest, since he'd dress up in a so egocentrical way!!! Like with a long coat full of feathers or even giant heart-shaped sunglasses.

⋆He wouldn't mind his s/o's dream of becoming even Miss Universe.

⋆He would call himself "The Awesome and Handsome Ryu-kun!"

⋆Ryu would simply think that as long as something is fun, then it's fine!

⋆So if his s/o is enjoying working hard for making her utopian dream comes true, then..... well, it's fiiiiIIInEEeeee~!!

⋆I also headcanon that Ryu would surely make some pranks to his s/o, especially in her beauty's matters.

⋆He'd hide her brush or hair straighteners, or even destroy her cosmetics only to see her reaction. (...don't you dare to destroy make-ups, you moron-)

⋆But probably the last prank would be this one below:

⋆He'd surely trade places between her face mask and Shiki's toothpaste and, after that, he'd hide waiting for her reaction.

⋆Obviously she'd be furious while Ryu would laugh so much to see his dear s/o with her red face because of that mint toothpaste! (seriously.. don't you ever put your toothpaste on you face... every part of your it is gonna burn like if it wants to melt down...)

⋆Also... just say one pray for Shiki, who'd brush his teeth with s/o's face mask..... Poor baby--

⋆After seeing his s/o with her red face, Ryu'd laugh at first but then end up apologizing.

⋆Ryu's always making pranks to people, especially to Shiki, but he knows and stops when he realizes that he's overdoing. (like in Voice Drama "Exhibition" Part 2 )

⋆Especially when he'd see his adorable s/o looking at the mirror and almost crying, he'd feel remorseful.

⋆He'd hug her tightly and close his eyes, losing himself in his s/o's beautiful scent.

⋆After that Ryu would definitely speak to her with a lower voice:

⋆"I'm sorry, my love.... I know I've overdone... But.. Remember that 𝓎𝑜𝓊'𝓇𝑒 𝓈𝓉𝒾𝓁𝓁 𝒷𝑒𝒶𝓊𝓉𝒾𝒻𝓊𝓁 𝓉𝑜 𝓂𝓎 𝑒𝓎𝑒𝓈.."

⋆That narcissistic girl would open her eyes wide, happy to hear that from his boyfriend, but then see Ryu's eyes changing expression and hear him saying:

⋆"....even if you look like a tomato right now~ 𝒯𝑜𝓂𝒶𝓉𝑜-𝒸𝒽𝒶𝓃!"

©hebimoonlightwrites_tumblr Please, do not copy my contents nor repost it without my permission.

[funkymbtifiction]

Hi Charity, hope you're having a good week! I asked a question here before, and you explained that what I was experiencing was inferior Fe shenanigans. I am back with more questions related to that lol. Tbh, I am not 100% sure of being an ITP, but it does seem more likely/fitting than ETP. But maybe this submission will shed some light one way or another? Either way, I'm sure time (many years) will tell.

So the thing is, I think I'm becoming more and more 'stringent' with Fe as time goes on. I'm in my early thirties. I thought through my approach towards Fe, and I think it's something like this - I think of it mainly as social etiquette, although it of course encompasses way more than that, but where social etiquette is concerned, I'm quite proud of myself for what I think is a general competence in it. The problematic thing is that in recent times, I also find myself judging others more harshly when they 'fail' to display what I consider the 'appropriate' level of social etiquette...

I'm not going to include everything you wrote, since it is quite long; but I did read it all. I think what you are struggling with is you have established a 'system' (a hack) which you assume is going to work in order to better socialize with other people, and when other people aren't aware of this system or its rules, you get upset, because they are going 'off-game' and you don't know the appropriate reaction to make. This does seem like inferior Fe (I thought we were on the same chessboard, and instead you are playing tennis!?).

There may also be a super-ego influence here, paired with a strong social instinct. You are a social dominant for sure. You are highly attentive to what's appropriate, tuning into others as best you can (even if it feels awkward at times), being aware of them and trying to meet them on some kind of level. Relationship-maintaining. Some of your complaints are against other people who are low in social (not taking a social engagement or connection as seriously as you do, for example), or even social-blindness (wow, that was cringe/rude), and some of it seems to be coming from a 1ish place of criticisms against bad behavior. Something to explore -- how does your Ennagram type play into this?

It's easy for you to remember the rules of engagement and abide by them -- but other people do not possess these rules. They weren't taught them, or they don't care, or they are oblivious to how they come across, or in some instances, they are narcissistic and/or selfish (nobody exists but me).

Still, this is worth commenting on:

But the interesting thing is that with F types, mostly FJs, over time, they seem to get more callous and/or careless (lol). I don't know if it's them getting very comfortable, but at times they say things that make me think hold up, that's not very nice, I think I treat you nicer than that. They probably think I won't be offended, and it's true that I'm not, but it's like...the balance is gone.

This is insightful. To a degree, many feelers can get too comfortable dealing with thinkers and assume the thinker has less feelings than is accurate, or that they can say whatever they want (even if it's mean) and face no consequences for it. What would happen if you drew their attention to it, and pointed out what you just told me? "That was unkind. Have I ever been that unkind to you?"

It's unfortunate, but the closer we are to people, the more comfy we are with them and the less we watch our tongues. We are often nicer to a random person in the grocery store than to the love of our life or our best friend, because we take them for granted. It takes inner work and awareness to consciously choose to treat the people we most care about with special kindness, but it's worth doing. And it's better if you call people on things and make them notice them, if you can.

Or they start to 'slack off', like a friend who got so comfortable that she'd scroll social media or online shopping sites most of the time when I'm talking. But my attentiveness while she's talking is 100%.

I am sorry about this. If it helps, it's not you. She's addicted to the dopamine hit her phone gives her, and suffers from the fear of missing out that all people do who are glued to the internet. It becomes such a conscious need, they forget how rude it is to whip out their phone and scroll in the middle of a conversation. It's them multi-tasking and doing two things at once, poorly.

I guess from their POV it could be that they are showing they are comfortable with me? Which is a good thing? But...what does this mean? Do I also get to be the same way with you?

... you could always try it and see, or you could say, "I thought you came here to spend time with me. Could you put down your phone and listen to me? I didn't come here to stare at the top of your head." People get so addicted to their phones, half the time they aren't really aware of what they are doing, but if you start drawing attention to it, it may cause them to notice how disconnected they are from the real world and the conversations happening around them.

I would advocate for honesty with feelers on a level that reaches them (that was quite hurtful, did you mean it the way it sounded?), but not for unleashing the same kinds of criticisms on them, because unlike you, they WILL get offended.

IMO, you sound like a nice person who is trying hard not to offend the people you care about, and that's admirable. Please don't let the reactions of others who are not trying as hard put you off it, because you are going to possess greater social skills than they do going forward and that will get you far in life. Don't talk yourself out of doing it. Do it anyway. But also allow yourself to relax, if you feel like it -- if someone seems comfortable with you in a way that puts you at ease, loosen the rules a bit. Be less careful. Follow their lead.

It's worth noting that if you will know whom you can be more honest with and whom you can't by their past reactions to you. If someone has taken criticism in the past in a mature manner, you can trust them to be "okay" with your honest self, and you need not tread so carefully around them all the time. :)

[all-things-fandomstuck]

First off, this is a rant, and I am pissed. If you don't care, keep scrolling. This is your only warning. Also, mood music, because that's just how I feel about it.

You ever just hit the point where you're fucking done? Like, with an entire person and the situation they put you in, and the situation they want to drag you into?

Because that's me today.

I literally had the thought "I'm tired of following in the shadow of a lesser man who thinks he's a god". And honestly, I'm over it.

Mr. White Knight who thinks he's sacrificed everything for everyone else, who's done nothing but run away and then expects everyone else to follow, and then got pissed off when they got sick of it.

Also, this fucker has the audacity to call his cheating a "rebound". Hey jackass, it's not a fucking rebound if you're still in a god damn relationship. You were fucking married and you fucked a coworker 17 years younger than you, and then went on about how your relationship was already headed towards divorce when you didn't even want to work on it in the first place! Oh, and you had the audacity to tell your wife that you "tried every psychology trick in the book" on her! I hope you never work in the psych field again.

I am, of course, talking about my father. He was never there, and now, he's getting pissed off because his kids don't want to be around his girlfriend. He moved in with her after three months, they've been dating for a year, and now he's all like "I'm going to follow her wherever she goes". However, I have the sneaking suspicion that he's cheating.

And now, he wants to drag me to a state I really don't want to go to on this promise of "Better Opportunities, Theme Parks, and It's gonna be something different!", despite the fact that I've technically lived in that state multiple times, and it's NEVER different. "But you've never lived in that area before!" Good, and I don't want too!

He got all upset when I mentioned my siblings don't want anything to do with his girlfriend, and turned it into a "poor woe is me, my kids hate me". Narcissist much? Honestly, we kind of do, because he's pretending to be a man he's not for points with a woman that he himself once said he "wouldn't have for long". Like, what the fuck does that even mean? And then he said he'd like to marry her one day? But the he got upset when I told him that me and my siblings would never consider her a step mom, just the woman he would be married to? Like, fucker, you're not replacing our mom, you're just moving further out of our lives. And then he had the audacity to go "So I'm never supposed to be happy again?" Honestly, I hope he never is. He doesn't deserve it in my opinion l.

And I've tried explaining things to him, but he doesn't want to listen without turning it into an "everybody hates me" bitch fit.

Not to mention, he wants to treat me like a child while simultaneously telling me to act like an adult. I'm twenty-fucking-three, I stopped being a kid a while ago, please treat me like one. That means quit expecting me to jump whenever you say so while praying it was high enough. I'm not someone who can be bossed around by someone who obviously doesn't know what they're doing. Also, he's banned me from saying the word "seduce" (I was talking about something one of my buddies did as their DND bard) and told me I can't wear certain items of clothing. Bitch, if I wanna wear booty shorts and thigh high boots (not that I would ever), I'm gonna do it! I don't need your approval! And he can't even do the "my house, my rules" thing, because it's his girlfriend's house!

So, I'm done. I'm saving up the money, and I'm leaving. I'm headed back to my mom, and the rest of my family, helping her out, and getting an actual god damn proper meal for once, cause I'm sick of getting bitched at for eating parts of a meal that nobody fucking told me they were making, so I hardly eat anything, and honestly, it's fucking killing me. I'm emotionally exhausted, physically exhausted, because there's three adults in this house, and apparently, nobody knows how to do fucking dishes because they pile and pile and pile, and then its a half hearted "Thank you" when I do them, despite being sick and tired of doing them from my job.

Speaking of, if my fucking bosses could stop jerking my hours around and attempting to change my job description for what little time I'm still gonna be there, that'd be great! Changed me from night shift dishwashing to early morning "Night Cleaning". What the fuck is "Night Cleaning" if I'm coming in at 8 am? And why does it sound like it's just cleaning up the shit that the night crew didn't do?

But yeah, I'm just fed up with everything and everyone. I can't live on my own because it's too damn expensive, I refuse to live with my grandparents again, because I WILL fucking DECK my grandmother if she suggests I switch my degree field one more time.

And that's another thing! She won't stop trying to tell me how to live my life! She keeps trying to get me to go into a trade, or do something else. Today's suggestion was Nursing! I don't want to be a nurse! I want to be an archeologist! And she knows this! She's been trying to convince me to do literally anything else for as long as I can remember. Oh, and she keeps telling me shit like, "When you have kids". Bitch, I'd rather cut out my own damn uterus with a fucking spoon, without pain killers. Or, "When you get married". If I find someone I like who's on my fucking level and will respect me and treat me as such, then, and only then, will I consider the possibility.

I'm just so over these fucking people. So, I'm reclaiming my peace, and cutting them out of my life, because I am DONE. Just plain DONE.

Also, if someone cooks for you, is it really such a difficult thing to eat it? I make enough for people, we even have leftovers, and I'm apparently the only one who will eat them. I made an apple crisp, and I took pride in that damn thing, and everyone had a bit, and then I had more, but it got left to mold! I thought people were eating it, but no! I worked hard on that damn it!

If you read this, thank you for your time. As much as I didn't want to make this post, I felt like I needed to get it out there, and vent, because like I said, I'm done. I'm done playing nice and getting nothing out of it but more pain, and feeling like I'm not good enough for these people. I'm choosing me this time. Also, I might not be on here as much while I get things sorted, so if I drop off, that's why. I hope you all are having a much better day than I am.

[bl6ckr0s3]

Ricky & Wilma Drama pt. 2

I don't think I have ever written about their drama that they had back on Nov. 4, 2022. I did a venting video on their drama that I had to deal with. To recap their part 1 drama from that time, I'll share a video from You Tube that I posted.

So to start off, since that time, I had felt weird around Wilma and didn't truly trust her because of what happened. I decided to just stay away from their drama. I don't question about what's going on or anything other then what is going on with my son. Right when Ricky began his 2 week vacation, Wilma started messaging me again on messenger. She sent me a message at around 4am in the morning on a Sunday. I responded to her and she decided to vent to me about what was going on. She apologized and felt like she really had nobody else to go to about her continuous issues she is still having with Ricky.

Originally they were both suppose to go to the Philippines together. He ended up leaving without her. She wasn't able to go because it wasn't the right time for her to be traveling. Before all this, she was telling me about how she caught him texting other girls from the Philippines. Ricky was making excuses that flirting wasn't cheating when in fact it's of course considered cheating. Ricky always has excuses to get away with doing what he wants to do regardless of who he is hurting. I'm not sure what part of "He doesn't care who he hurts" that Wilma doesn't understand. I told her that narcissistic abuse is usually a mental disorder because he doesn't want to admit all the wrongdoings he has been doing. He thinks that anything he is doing is not wrong, therefore he is in denial and he doesn't accept what is truly going on in reality even when what he is doing is wrong. She actually missed Lim and I told her she was welcomed to visit my family home to see him. After all, she took care of him most of the time then Ricky.

I had to end up messaging Vanessa, Ricky's sister about how I will be communicating with her from time to time to check on how my son is doing and what is going on with her brother. I don't fully trust her, but I have to keep it neutral for the sake of getting information on my son. Vanessa thinks that Wilma shouldn't be telling me about what is going on with their relationship which is complete bullshit. All the shit he has been doing to hurt people and I don't have to right to know anything because he's around my son? My son growing up to see his father hurting all these women, I don't want him being raised knowing that that is ok. Vanessa has served prison time before. I guess the scumminess runs in their family. She supports her brother no matter how many people he is hurting or how much he is in the wrong. That makes her look bad as well. If he has killed somebody, then she will still support her brother no matter what, and that's why I don't trust her. If it was my brother, I would put my foot down and tell him off about why the fuck he is doing the things he is doing. He can't even take care of himself because all he does is live off of other women and freeload and still from others. This loser can't even keep a job.

Ricky has had 2 jobs right when we were dating and he ended up quitting the jobs right before he went on unemployment when Covid19 began. This job that he had worked for 7-8 months, Wilma actually helped him get this job. He was making more money than her, had the nerve to brag about that, then end up getting fired from it. He just barely got my son under his insurance and shit, and now he's already fired. That means my son is no longer covered with him. My son has been covered with insurance ever since he was born. I had my job for over 10 years now. The fucked up system gave my son to him instead hahaha when he can't even keep his jobs and handle his business. He's still a pothead and he got back into drinking heavily.

I made it clear to Ricky on Talking Parents right before I moved that I need to be able to build my life and future outside of California because everything was overpriced, the cost of living, the gas, everything was just astronomical. On top of child support being taken out of my check, there was no way I can afford to be living on my own anymore so I seriously had to leave or I'm just going to be digging my own grave in this state. Ricky could care less about what I am doing with my life, but whatever I am doing he will make it out to be negative or bad no matter what just because he always wants to get back to me and make me the worse person to ever exist in this world. He's a moron, a douchebag, a piece of garbage, because he's selfish and only cares about himself. Wilma knows that now. She got to talk to my dad and my sister for a little bit and they liked her. She was always welcome to my home because of how well she has taken care of my son. Ricky found out from his sister about her visit and he got all pissed off calling her a backstabber because he doesn't want that. She didn't do nothing wrong. This fucked up asshole never asked once how my son was doing during his whole 2 weeks vacation because he's busy cheating on Wilma with other women.

I laughed because he's sitting there demanding that I hand him my son's birth certificate and social security card when he is too fucking lazy to go get them on his own. I went through the process to get them when he was just born, and it wasn't difficult. He doesn't want to go thru the process, and he is willing to pay me money for them. I would say he can kiss my ass and fuck himself; he is not taking anything of my son away from me. He will have to literally kill me to get them if he doesn't want to go through the process to get them himself. When he refers Lim as our son, I still refer him as my son. I never want to refer this piece of shit to anything of mine because he doesn't exist in my life. I also laugh when Wilma was telling me that he was telling her that he found a cheap house in the Philippines and that maybe they can consider living there. Why? Because me and Josh are moving across the states? He wants to say that I abandoned my child. No, he doesn't dictate my life and he doesn't dictate my decisions because there is nothing wrong with wanting a better life. Just because my son is with him doesn't mean it will keep me in the fucked up state of California.

I plan on writing a long letter to the San Bernardino County Courthouse as well as Family & Children services about why I have decided to move. Ricky is expecting a copy and he ain't getting it.

[zorkaya-moved]

❝  when your eyes are on me,  i feel like something worth seeing.  ❞ ( anita )

@xamassed

Anita wasn't supposed to rely on her view to become worthy. Despite how she was, Sokolova remained an advocate of independence and self-assurance. It's too boring to use insecure people, it's too boring to use weak, and it's too boring to use tools that others will use with ease. There was no challenge, no ability to break, no willingness to entertain herself. That's why she instead would inspire confidence in such self-conscious individuals. She wanted to witness their potential more because it was a prolonged investment that could entertain her. It was a risk, but she didn't care. If there was anything, she wanted to indulge in the process, not in the end result. There were more benefits to befriending an Onikuma than drawbacks. Thus, Zarina didn't interrupt Anita as she talked.

"You do understand that's not okay?" Zarina asks, crossing her legs and leaning against the left armrest. Her slumped body language speaks of her laid-back nature, calmness, and confidence in her views. The silverette does think it's not good for the other to view herself in such a light. There's no need to lower herself to just be worthy in the eyes of one person. One must be worthy in their own eyes. Feed the ego, push them towards understanding their full potential, and then witness how they will blossom. "Why only in my eyes when you should be worthy in your own? The moment you are worthy in your eyes, my gaze must never be cared about when it comes to worthiness."

Ah, but Anita is a demon. Why should she care about her potential when she was more interested in human potential (and pushing for it)? Because Anita caught her interest. Not only that but who else would she share familiar interests in Devildom aside from several of the demon brothers? No, Anita was different. A breath of fresh air in this world full of demons. It's as much of a personal preference as much as it is a long-term investment. It might be impersonal and quite cold, but there were already buddings of genuine appreciation.

"Anita, dear, I'm a human. I don't have even one-hundredth of your lifespan," not a fair judgment and might be an exaggeration, but it's just a comparison. "If me looking at you makes you feel like you are worth something, it implies that you do not see that yourself. If I'm wrong, feel free to correct me, but based on what I think right now..."

Wasn't she just as brightly shining in her own way? Anita was a diamond in the making. Though, based on what she'd seen while interacting with the onikuma, Zarina could see it'll be hard to make her see that golden light shine from her. It might be harder to witness because Anita was a demon. Zarina wasn't afraid to continuously remind, wondering how praise and support would affect her self-view. "Her" being Anita's, of course.

"Are you not worthy on your own without having my eyes on you? I believe you are worth even more. Why not talk about the traits that make you worthy without me in the picture? I can give you quite a few," she snaps her gloved fingers to bring attention to the words spoken as if telling: pay attention now. "Have you thought about your hard-working nature? The determination to get what you want? Did you know that loyalty is a rare gift that's a bit too hard to find in the Human World, yet you show it to me here?"

It seemed like they would be here for a while because Zarina had a lot to underline based on their previous interactions and Sokolova's personal opinion.

"You and Beelzebul... are quite wonderful, yet do not see it. Even I am a much more sinister person by default when it comes to comparison to you, Anita. And, believe me, I love myself to the point of people stating I'm a narcissist," she chuckles, thinking over how both demons she mentioned are both much warmer than the majority of humans she met in her life. It's so strange. Why were demons so much more honest than those she worked with outside of her team? Humanity really was rotten, to its core, in the majority. "It's a factual statement without bias included in it or a wish to lower me. Your worth must never depend on another person. Only you can determine your worth... and you must. I know you're a confident person, but such words make me wonder if there are things you dislike about yourself or are unsure about."

[marchioness-caprina]

You Changed But Still the Same

Pairings : Ex! Katsuki Bakugou x Ex! Reader.

Writing Style : 3rd Person

Warning : Cussing

Word Count : 3428

3rd Person's POV

A Year ago since that fateful day where everything ended and the only thing that's left were the memories and promises from the past. Y/n and Bakugou who were High school sweethearts had quite a past together but sometimes all the good things come to an end .

That's exactly what happened, Bakugou at some point in his life had to pick between two things , y/n or his Hero Career. He picked His Hero Career even though y/nl tried to desperately persuade him that it could work out. She tried her best to persuade Katsuki that They can grow Together.

Even though it was painful, Katsuki still stuck to his choice leaving everything behind . Leaving y/n with her heart that has been shattered, Leaving her to pick up all the broken pieces herself.

He had to pick his Hero career because he knew he needed to become stronger, strong enough to Be confident that He will be able to protect her in the future. Strong enough to flaunt her to the world without worrying how many villains would be after his lover. As surprising as it may seem his reason why he picked his career over her was because of her, not because he wanted to be number one... He'll admit that, it was his former goal but after meeting her everything changed.

He actually wanted to become a better version of himself because no matter how good he is, theres still a nagging feeling at the back of his head that says he does not deserve her because she deserves so much more.

Today was a special Day because Class 1-A was holding a reunion party. And Katsuki normally turns down events like this bit this time , he was excited because he knew y/n would be there. Now he was ready, Now he was confident, Now all he needed to do was to get his Girl back.

Y/n, She was never the same after that dreadful day. She never knew why she was Never Enough for Katsuki... She doesn't know why she's not a good enough reason to be picked. She never knew why He had to leave her in the dust, Hurt and alone. And honestly no matter how hard she tried to forget him. It never worked, She was still hung up on him like before and because of that. She hated him so much.

She started overworking herself doing more hero work than necessary since it's the only thing that could keep her mind away from him.

Her smile faded and she was never the same, she moved to another city because being in the same city where there's a possibility for her and Katsuki to work together is too painful for her.

She managed to rise to the hero rankings in the city she moved in. She was well known and villains feared her. But she started distancing herself from others, always taking on solo jobs and gradually turning colder by time.

It took a lot of persuading from the girls for her to eventually agree to this little reunion and she wasn't looking forward to it.

Because he was going to be there, it was already 6 and she was late since the agreed time to meet was 5 sharp bit she got caught up fighting Villains on her way . Of course the girls were furious but after hearing her reason they were much more understanding than expected.

They were supposed to meet in a Restaurant the boys booked all for their class and of course wearing something fancy was required because according to Momo they should ' Dress for the Occasion ' .

So of course y/n did try to make an effort to dress up because She wanted to prove to everyone that she was fine without Katsuki. Because back then when they broke up, Everything fell apart and she stopped caring about everything around her.

She loves the girls because they almost Wrestled Katsuki for hurting her , and some of the Boys even attempted to fight him because Y/n was a wreck back then.

But now look at her. She's not a narcissistic bitch but she really outdid herself. She wore a red sleeveless fishtail dress that clung onto her curves like it was her own skin, the dress had little crystal details that matched her hair. Her make up was Smoky and elegant and her lips were a crimson color of red. Her hair was curled on the ends and she did end up dyeing her hair to H/c, she also had a few accessories on, like the emerald necklace, a few bracelets she randomly picked out and a small Phoenix Hair clip.

She looked gorgeous and she could tell from the way passersby looked at her when she got out of her car right infront of the restaurant.

She walked towards the receptionist who was oogling on her figure.

Clearing her throat she caught the attention of the receptionist.

" I'm here for Denki Kaminari's Party " Y/n stated and the receptionist immediately stumbled towards the door opening it for her.

" This way ma'am "

" Thank you " Y/n thanked the man who started nodding his head nervously and she made her way inside.

The whole place was noisy and she could see her old classmates chatting and drinking the night away.

The first one to notice her was Momo.

" Oh my God Y/n!? Is that you " Momo exclaimed running towards y/n and giving the girl a tight hug.

The whole room was quiet, everyone's attention was directed towards y/n. She really was a head turner. The states she was getting was a bit overwhelming but she didn't mind. Someone in the room did Though.

" Woah! You really did dress to impress Missy! Where the hell have you been? " Mina joined in and y/n didn't hesitate to hug her as well.

" You're Drop Dead Gorgeous! We didn't even recognize you... I mean... Look at You! Damn " Hagakure complimented slapping y/n's ass.

" Hey keep your hands to yourself " Y/n muttered as she shoved Hagakure playfully.

" My goodness! I can't believe my eyes, Don't tell me you don't have a boyfriend!? It's kinda impossible for you Not to if you Look that Hot " Uraraka joined their little group and soon the boys also gathered around her to Either greet and hug her or comment on how she looks.

The attention she's getting was flattering but a bit suffocating.

" Ok, enough about me. How are you guys? " Y/n tried changing the subject but none of them were up for it.

" Well Duh, we all work in the same city and some of us gets paired up from Time to Time so there's nothing new about us that we didn't Know. You on the other hand moved to another fucking City and we barely have any contact with you so don't change the subject " Jiro stated and everyone seemed to fire their questions towards me one by one.

" So how are you? Are things good over there? I heard you ranked 2 in your city"

" Yeah everything is alright , things are pretty stressful though "

" You're pretty popular there! I see you on the news all the time "

" Er... Well... I can't even get some alone time without people trying to shove themselves to me "

As y/n was bombarded with questions a certain blonde male kept his gaze glued to her figure, she was gorgeous that's for sure and he could barely keep his eyes off her figure but that doesn't mean everyone else had to do that.

Even if they aren't together anymore. She is still considered to be his property and it's pissing him off that she didn't even try to acknowledge his existence. It was spissing him so much that she gave everyone a hug and not him. Why is she so happy talking to other men when he's right here waiting for her to finally look at him.

It's fucking irritating . She was beautiful... Too beautiful that he feels like someone else would take her if he even dares to look away.

It was painful to see how much she had grown without him. He's starting to regret his decision. Damn it. He knew he missed her but fuck. He didn't know he missed her to the point where it's actually painful to see her here but ignore him like he's nothing.

His mood was foul and everyone noticed, sure they were pissed that Bakugou Had the face to hurt y/n but they saw how hurt he was too, and one time during a small get together Bakugou started screaming her name and yelling why he left while sobbing angrily like a sick lunatic. And they finally understood why he made such a rash decision. It was because of his insecurities and nobody thought that this Haughty Hero was actually insecure about something.

And everyone felt bad for him because after y/n left he was a reckless Asshole who kept getting himself hurt over and over again as if he's pushing himself to the brink of death on purpose. Everyone knew he regretted his past actions and that's exactly why they were gonna help these two love sick puppies out.

" Hey! Let's play Seven Minutes in Heaven! " Denki suggested and everyone got the message.

" Really? Denki why would we play that here?" Y/n laughed but to her surprise everyone was in on it too.

" Yeah sounds fun! "

" I'll get the bottle! "

" Who's going first? "

____________________

Everyone was seated on the floor forming a circle.

" Ok I'll spin the bottle and if the bottle lands on you, you have to go in the closet with the person the end of the bottle is pointing towards. Simple as that " Kirishima explained and he started spinning the bottle.

" Hey y/n have you heard about the latest trend lately? " Momo asked y/n who's eyes we're torn away from the bottle and her attention was snapped towards Momo.

Sero moved fast and immediately pointed the bottle at y/n and Bakugou.

Bakugou saw the whole thing and he stared at his friends in disbelief.

" Kaachan.... I think you deserve a second chance " Izuku muttered and everyone gave Bakugou a thumbs up or a supporting look.

Bakugou was touched as he stared at everyone with thankful eyes but he was a prideful asshole so he turned his head away muttering.

" I don't need your help shitty extras " His comment made everyone chuckle.

" You better not ruin this Bakugou or else I'll poke your eyes out " Jiro threatened before she turned to y/n

" Y/n! You're going in the Closet with Bakugou! "

Y/n froze at the mention of Bakugou's name her eyes trailing down to ten bottle that was pointing at her and Katsuki.

" What? No" Y/n grumbled her tone filled with venom. Bakugou noticed her tone and it almost made him flinch.

" It's only seven minutes y/n...dont tell me you still love him that's why you refuse to do so " Denki stated slyly earning a menacing glare from the girl that made him shiver.

" I'll fucking do it and you better watch me you Prick " Y/n stood up from her place stomping her way towards the closet, opening it as she pointed inside her gaze landing on Bakugou.

" Get in so we could get this over with " She hissed before stomping inside Bakugou who was a bit astonished by how fierce she had become. But nonetheless he followed her inside the closet closing it as he stepped inside.

It was quiet, far too quiet but he was determined to change that.

" Y/n...I-"

" Shut up" Y/n cut him off sharply and he can't believe he was this sensitive when it came to her because damn it hurt when she said it like that.

" I'm sorry... I know it's not gonna fucking Cut all the shit I put you-"

" You fucking bastard I said shut up " Y/n growled but Bakugou continued.

" I was the biggest idiot in the world --"

" Bakugou. Fuck off. "

" Please just lis--"

" Did you listen to me?! Did you listen to me when I begged you to not end things between us? Did you know how much pain I felt losing you? Because you didn't have the fucking balls to choose me? Do you know how worthless I felt? I felt like I wasn't a good enough reason for you to choose me. I felt like I wasn't enough, because you never looked back on your decision and just kept going leaving me behind ... To pick myself up and pretend like nothing happened. Stop this Bullshit Katsuki, Let's just pretend like we're strangers causing its better that way---" Y/n was cut off with Katsuki's harsh tone.

" Don't you dare Fucking Go there woman! I'm a poor excuse of a boyfriend I know! And I regret the day I made the decision in leaving you because everyday is like walking in an eternity of hell without you.. I missed you so damn much... I missed your laugh... Your smug smile... Everything... I missed you! You wanna know why I ended things? It was because I felt weak, I felt like you deserve better so don't you dare say that you're not enough! Because you're more than enough! I was scared that villains may come after me and they'll take you because I wasn't strong enough! That's why I dedicated my time in trying to be better because the day I'll be ready is the day I'll claim you back . Today is the day.... And you have no idea how painful every passing day is for me without you.... And you turned me into this pathetic shitty love struck idiot who becomes soft and mushy when you're around!... I'm pouring out my feelings here because this may be the last! And I'm not good at this shit you dumbass! You knew that from the start but... I'm begging you Please... Give me another chance Because I Fucking Love you" Bakugou's voice broke at the end of his sentence and y/n was conflicted.

Was this why he left? It still doesn't count for what he did! He hurt her yet why does she feel so happy to hear him say that? Why is her heart beating so fast when he said those three words she never knew she craved. Why is her mind and heart urging her to give him another chance? Simple she knew the answer and it was because she never stopped loving him at all. Even though she hated him, she still loved him the same.

The room was filled with silence and y/n couldn't mutter another word. She wanted to say Yes. But her pride was getting in the way.

Bakugou was losing his patience, growling in frustration he lunged himself at her pinning her to the wall with both of her hands pinned above her head by Katsuki's hand.

" Screw it Bitch, I miss you too much to Just Let this shit slide. If you Kiss back you're Fucking Mine Again you Hear me!? " Bakugou yelled and he didn't give y/n any time to protest because his lips were already on hers.

Kissing her lips with Vigor and Neediness. It almost seemed desperate , he continued Kissing the girl with everything he had, devouring her lips with his and it didn't take long for y/n's pride to hold out because but broke the second Katsuki's Lips touched hers.

She kissed back with the same intensity. Katsuki let go of her hands and her hands immediately flew up to his neck pulling him closer as her fingers ran through his hair, she dug her fingers through his hair tugging on it desperately . Katsuki's hands were roaming her body in any way they could until finally stopping on her waist.

Fuck he missed her so much, he missed her so Fucking much and right now. He's gonna savor every moment of this. He missed these lips and how she kissed him.

If Oxygen wasn't much of a problem then neither of them would have pulled back.

Panting and breathless Katsuki pressed his forehead along hers a deep chuckle vibrating from his chest.

" So.... Was that a Yes? " Y/n could her the smugness of his voice making her growl at him.

" I Fucking kissed you back didn't I? " She snapped rolling her eyes.

" Well... I didn't quite feel it... Oh well, Looks like we're gonna have to do it again " Katsuki smirked and he was about to dive in for another round but Kaminari had slammed the door open making the two flinch.

" Times up---oh" Kaminari grinned as Katsuki and Y/n glared daggers at him.

" You shitty Pikachu! Can't you see we're busy here!? " Katsuki roared as he tried grabbing Denki who immediately ran away form the door.

With a sigh y/n dragged Katsuki out of the closet and everyone was looking at them with playful eyes, some even giving Katsuki a suggestive wink.

Y/n's eyes trailed up to Katsuki's face and she paled almost immediately seeing the red lipstick smudge on his lips.

" Katsuki you Fucking asshole! You smudged my lipstick! " Y/n barked smacking Katsuki's head and Katsuki was fats to react.

" Haah!? I didn't hear you complaining when I was sucking your lips woman! " Katsuki barked back.

" How the fuck was I supposed to complain when you were practically shoving your lips towards mine!? " Y/n said in defense as she raised her hand about to smack Katsuki's head again but he caught her hand .

Katsuki bent down and slung y/n over his shoulder carrying the angry girl.

" Shut up woman, I'll buy you a whole mall of lipstick if it makes you feel any better, and you extras!... Well... I'm only gonna say this once... T-Thank you " Katsuki muttered and everyone cheered and teased the blonde boy who was now cussing everyone for laughing at him.

" Put me down! " Y/n yelled pinching Katsuki's back but it had no effect because the boy didn't even flinch.

" We're heading out early! " Katsuki yelled but the entrance was blocked by the girls.

" Umm, No! We were the ones who put in a lot of effort in bringing her here Bakugou! You can't just take her away! And everyone missed her you asshole! " Jiro growled and Katsuki was immediately pissed off.

" She's Mine! Of course I can take her away! " Katsuki barked glaring daggers at the girls.

" Well looks like we're gonna have to fight in order to see who's keeping her then " Momo stated as she pulled out a staff from her arm.

Y/n was snatched away from Katsuki's shoulder by none other than Izuku who had a smirk on his face.

" Sorry Kaachan but we wanna hang out with her too" Izuku smiled and it only angered the blonde even more.

" You Fucking Extras! Give her back! "

" Why don't you guys just calm down and let me Go Home! " Y/n yelled throwing her arms up helplessly.

" No! " Everyone responded almost immediately.

" I believe we can't do that y/n because Tonight you're the prize for whoever gets to take you out of the door first! " Kids yelled and everyone was excited except for y/n who knew this wasn't gonna end well and she knows for a fact that this restaurant will become nothing but a pile of debris and rocks once everything is over.

" Oh it's on! " Uraraka jumped in excitement.

" I'll Fucking kill all of you Extras and Take back what's mine! " Katsuki yelled angrily sparks coming out of his hands.

And Y/n was right, by the end of the day the whole restaurant was destroyed, everyone was injured the moment yeh fight ensued and nobody won because y/n stepped out of the restaurant herself.

[moonlightwinterdxxix]

MOONLIGHTWINTERDXXIX! Ready for another request attack!? 🤣 I'm here for Sutabaa Zaimoku identity shenanigans the SEQUEL! 😎✨ Somehow Kara's weird nice guy habits had actually worked?! He got on the good side of a visiting Sutabaa's overseas higher up by sheer luck and when they arrive to Sutabaa for whataver they mistaken Totty as Kara. Will Totty abuse this chance for nepotism to rise from his janitor position? Or will customer Kara unexpectedly arrive in all his glory and threaten this ruse?!

@yisongye For #make Karamatsu smile—the Bullied boys now have time to shine outside TVV xD

For those who are new, this is the continuation of this fic here.

~~~

Leaving its slanted position from the angle it was creating from the floor, Todomatsu raised the mop vertically and glared. “Stop laughing.”

“Pfft...! Okay, first you told me to stop talking,” Atsushi confirmed through snorts, shoulders rocking, “now you want me to stop laughing. What do you want me to actually do, Todomatsu? Make up your mind.”

“Leave. Go home. I don’t want you in here anymore. You’re making it a billion times worse.”

“Alright, come on. This is the thing, Todomatsu,” Atsushi said, resting his elbows on the table and raising a smug eyebrow that made Todomatsu want to punch his face so badly. “It wouldn’t have been so bad if you were being casual. Just a casual joe that’s cleaning tables, mopping the floors, doing his job, basically. But wearing your brother’s tacky sunglasses while working is what made you a sight more painful than him himself.”

“It’s his fault this all happened!” Todomatsu exclaimed, spreading a hand. “You have absolutely no idea what he said to the manager, and if you did...! If you were in my shoes, you’ll live with embarrassment for the rest of your life! He told me everything! I didn’t even want to wake up the next day after what he told me!”

“You’re overreacting,” Atsushi said, taking a sip from his latte. “I’m sure it wasn’t so bad. If he was pretending to be you, he couldn’t have possibly broken character enough that he’d make you look like a painful—”

“Then the sun, that glorious sun! Oh, it was the rose’s guardian angel, sending it a spirit for life and the will to fight forward! Oh, and it would now attract all the butterflies that followed a path so similar to it’s!” Todomatsu mimicked, posing with Karamatsu’s flair and voicing the lines with the lowest his voice can drop. Dramatically.

Atsushi burst out laughing.

“H-Hey! Shut up!”

“You’re right! It’s embarrassing!” Atsushi guffawed.

“Oh, wait until then!” Todomatsu snapped, resuming his work as he cleanly ridded the spot where a baby had spilt its mother’s drink. “The time will come when the same humiliation will happen to you. Don’t think that just because you have money and riches your life will be all fine and dandy. I promise that you will find failure soon. Just you wait.”

“Ooh, scary,” Atsushi drawled. “Doesn’t help that you’re wearing his glasses though. Why are you even doing that? To hide your identity? Everyone in the Ward knows of that face belonging to a sextuplet NEET, Todomatsu. That does nothing to your case.”

“Better safe than sorry. It’s better than having my own identity out in the world. Have Karamatsu instead—he’s the one most associated with failure.” He blew a raspberry, rolling his eyes. “You’ll eat your words soon, dumbbell,” Todomatsu vowed, grabbing a water bottle from his belt and spraying the floor. “I swear to Cod, you’ll eat your words and—”

“Todomatsu Matsuno?”

Someone suddenly was in front of the employees’ door of the establishment against the wall, and both Todomatsu and Atsushi were stunned to find a beautiful girl standing there, her eyes shining like those of the universe, all planets aligned and the sun at its brightest.

She had long, wavy brown hair that touched all the way to her waist, a bangs that brushed her eyebrows before parting at the sides, overlapping her ears. She had a large bust, which grabbed their eyes, but she also had long legs that they could see through her khaki pants. A notepad peeped out of the apron of her Sutabaa work uniform.

“Todomatsu Matsuno?” the girl echoed, smiling faintly, almost relieved. “Was that you? Oh, I never thought I’d actually see you! I heard snippets of your interview the other day, and I didn’t think I would be able to see you again. Anyway, I think I need to introduce myself formally to you. My name’s Sen. And I’m gonna be a co-worker of yours for the entire month.”

Todomatsu did nothing else but look at her, cheeks reddening as the sunglasses went askew on his nose.

“I’m the Sutabaa manager from Paris, see? But still a Japanese native,” the girl—Sen, went on. “I recently decided to take a trip back to Japan so I can see how the employees do their tasks here. And I was just in time too. A made a recent notice of the lack of appeal in customer service and entertainment, but I can associate the opposite of that with the fanfaronade you put on. At least, what I just heard right now and the other day. I assume that really was your interview, wasn’t it?”

“Y...Yeah,” Todomatsu breathed.

“Great! Because I think I might be considering lifting your position off being a janitor if that was the case,” Sen told them, taking out her notepad and pen. Her fingernails were decorated with fancied stickers of the Eiffel Tower. “With your flow of words, we might be able to attract more customers to the establishment. Imagine being talked about as that cashier man with a Shakespearean dictionary in his vocabulary. Wouldn’t that spark interest?”

No. Yes? Perhaps? Todomatsu didn’t think a Karamatsu persona would’ve sparked any interest from anyone or anything? Not even an ant’s or a cockroach’s.

And yet...If this meant not being a janitor anymore...

“Of course, only if you don’t mind,” Sen said, jutting down on her notebook. “If you aren’t willing to act so in front of customers, we won’t force you too. But your gentlemanly manner when you speak might make some progress in this building when it comes to getting people to come. It’s a suggestion I’ve already spoken to your main manager about. Now I want to ask you! Are you willing to do it, Todomatsu-san?”

“E-Eh?!” Atsushi squeaked, and Todomatsu continued to stare at her.

Then he blinked beneath the sunglasses. Then his lungs refilled with air, and his imagination lit up with his proud-to-behold Todomatsu Matsuno wisdom. He smirked, transferred the mop to his other hand, using his free one to touch his hairline with two fingers. “Of course, my dear! And I’d be happy to perform more Shakespearean might you give me the opportunity to! After all, I am Todomatsu Matsuno, master of the fine art, a man of theatre through-and-through!”

“Oh!” Sen expressed (cutely to the mens’ eyes), eyebrows rising.

“EEEHHH?!! O-Oi! Todomatsu! What the hell are you doing?!” Atsushi demanded, rising slightly from his chair.

Dropping the mop, Todomatsu slid over to Sen, a finger-gun following the shape of his jaw as he grinned narcissistically. “My, what ever is the problem, Atsushi? Can you not see that I’m being as normal as I can be? I am flattered by this woman’s suggestion, and all I want is to make her feel welcome in these crowded, sorrowful Tokyo streets. You are quite a foreigner yourself, in a way, are you not, sweetheart?” He knelt down, grabbed her hand. “I apologize for the inconvenience, dear. You make my heart melt.” He kissed her hand—it was so soft. Like, so, so soft that it was impossible for something to be that soft.

She chuckled.

Atsushi sputtered.

And Todomatsu wanted to as well. Because he wanted to scream so badly and yank his soul out of his body for the stupid idea he had concocted. Because...Because...BECAUSE LOOK AT THIS! He was posing with that stupid grin of his stupid brother while wearing those stupid glasses and was talking in that stupid accent all because Karamatsu had ruined Todomatsu’s chances for work with a stupid mistake because of his stupid brain and—!

Okay, keep it together, Todomatsu. Look on the bright side. He was a janitor, he was cursed with this hex of Satan since the day Karamatsu left the womb. And this was unacceptable, more than being a baby brother that everyone looked down on! This woman...She could change that. Hell, she could turn him from a lowlife into the manager himself! If Todomatsu followed her guidelines, matched her standards, made himself the appealing man she wanted to view...Yes, this was going to be his debut as the boss of his own life!

And so what if Karamatsu was the key to that?! Karamatsu was the key to success, and no one cared for Karamatsu’s own failure! These NEETs were selfish bastards after all!

Heck, Todomatsu was that desperate! Yes! Yes! But he didn’t care, for everyday he was already dying with the thirst for change! Change in his life, change in his pathetic, why-am-I-alive existence! He had no friends—only acquaintances who would never stay longer than twenty minutes! His life was littered with five matching levels of garbage, sharing his bed and face that made him look as terrible as them! But he wasn’t! And he wasn’t going to be defined like that any freaking more!

Yes! Hell yes! This was the true form of this Todomatsu-sama, the one who will be the first of his NEETy brothers to find love alongside work! So what if he was a cursed janitor?! He was an official graduate from the status that had once colored him at the bottom of the caste system, and this woman was going to be his diploma! Hell yes, he won!

And there was even a plus. This girl was into this, and if he continued this painful persona he might have a chance to actually keep her. No more virginity for this youngest dirty monster, because he was going to be able to smash her and make her his by acting his part as the best boyfriend she could ask for! So what if she was a princess?! A lady of romance and theatrics and the arts?! She was still an unattainable woman who any of these stupid NEETs would pine for for ages! Lifetimes! A keeper to the max despite maybe bad taste in vocabulary, but that was besides the point!

Todomatsu could keep her. Hell, he can keep her. If he was this perfect cashier, he can keep her. Beat the hell out of his brothers, and become the true role model that Choromatsu and Osomatsu were far from being! All because he was a loser, therefore there was no one else he could grab! Because Iyayo and Chibimi were plastic dolls and Kinko was a woman of true culture...Because Totoko hated them like scum and Homura was in love with someone else...!

Hell yeah, there was so much he could gain, this baby demon of the Matsuno hellhole...All he needed to do now was act the part. Act the part.

What would Karamatsu say, and how can it be said for this woman’s attraction? Hm, he needed to summon his inner Karamatsu, if there even was one. Because just like the rest of his brothers, having an inner Karamatsu was like saying that they had a tree growing over their heads. It was impossible. Because having an inner Karamatsu was one of the things they as NEETs did not want to have.

But this woman. She wanted a Karamatsu.

Todomatsu smirked. Fine. For her, he’ll play the part.

“Have you always been a theatrical one, Todomatsu-san?” Sen asked, tucking a few collective strands of hair behind her ear after hiding her notebook and pen again. “Or is this a new thing after graduating?”

Hmm, how was he going to answer this? Should he be honest and tell her that the only thing he’s ever done involving theatre was dunk bird turd on someone’s script, or should he go with the Karamatsu flow and tell her that acting has always been a hobby since the day he could walk? What would this woman want to hear? Todomatsu pondered, forced his brain cells to click and tick and turn their gears...Hmm...

Then—

Todomatsu posed, raising an arm and bending another. “I had no plan!” he announced.

Sen’s mouth formed a tiny circle. Atsushi face-palmed.

“Heh, I’ve always went with the flow of my own wind, dear beautiful Sen,” Todomatsu enumerated smoothly, dropping the octaves of his voice, which wasn’t so hard. He was already gifted to have a deep voice whenever he yelled (something Choromatsu once mentioned to him, that rising, fapping loser), and so mimicking Karamatsu’s original tone wasn’t that difficult as an activity. That, and this woman had never met Karamatsu in person, so he had the safety of a thousand nets and trampolines to catch his sky-high fall.

“Theatrical arts, drama, cherry blossoms in the wind, a heart of blue.” Oh god, Todomatsu wanted to slap himself so hard, wanted to slice his tongue with a cleaver and haul it into the mouth of hell. Speaking Karamatsu was speaking the language of agony. If this was what being the childhood best friend of Karamatsu resulted in, then maybe it was better if none of that ever happened at all. “It was my mind, cured with the peacefulness of my being, that opened my existence in a fantasy worth exploring. The unknown. Skies and trees that breathe the air of purity that is being wiped from this earth. It tears my soul and rips my being into shreds.”

Atsushi snorted, turning away. That goon, Todomatsu was gonna deal with him later.

“Ooh, how poetic,” Sen commented, her hair bouncing as she tilted her head. “How did you gather your vocabulary?”

How did Karamatsu gather his vocabulary? How did Karamatsu gather his vocabulary? HOW DID KARAMATSU GATHER HIS VOCABULARY? When they were freaking kids, Karamatsu wasn’t even able to determine the differences between ‘limbs’ and ‘limbo’! How the hell did he come from that turd of an idiot into a man with a dictionary built into his throat?!

“Heh, by being myself,” Todomatsu answered painfully, trying not to reach over to wipe the sweat pooling behind his ears and running down his nape. “I’m a natural at my strengths, the best of my kind. Because I’m a loner, but at the same time I have my own hands to support me might I fall. Heh, I’m a tower of storms.”

“You definitely are. Very destructive too,” Atsushi chortled, eyes directed elsewhere but the killer’s promise of a glare on Todomatsu’s face.

“Wait a minute,” Sen said, a finger touching those beautiful lips of hers. “Todomatsu-san, have I seen you before? I thought you looked familiar and remembered that I saw someone looking like you yesterday. Were you at the park yesterday taking a swim in the river dressed in a yellow baseball uniform?”

Todomatsu flinched so hard that his soul felt like it had just poked the waves of an ocean made of lava. “No, that wasn’t me! It was a stranger, surely! I hate baseball, always have!”

“Only since today,” Atsushi muttered. Todomatsu was internally sending him two of his middle fingers which tips had holes for bullets.

“But the other day, I thought I saw you too?” Sen asked. “Wearing red this time. Playing at Pachinko? And you had a very large bruise on your face while you left the parlor crying. I assume you lost the gamble after getting into a fight?”

Shit! Damn you, Osomatsu! “Nope! Pachinko is not my turf in the slightest!” Todomatsu lied, puffing out his chest because he felt like deflating into an airless blob of rubber.

“Yet you won yesterday,” Atsushi stated quietly behind his hand.

“And also, in the mixer? I saw someone in pink looking like you leave it recently,” Sen followed up, crossing her arms. “Well, not to defy you or anything, but are you the mixer type really, Todomatsu-san? With your flair and all, your humble personality, I don’t think you need a mixer to determine your acquaintances and your friends.”

“Heh, fret not, my queen,” Todomatsu schmoozed, wanting to stab himself for each ‘heh’ he had to gag out. “This man here is still as packed with friends as a man can be.” Which was half true and half lie. Todomatsu was one with peers, but Karamatsu was a member of the trash gang. Meaning, friends were flies, and peers were the dirty streets that only cats were willing to walk because they too were stupid enough not to understand anything in life.

Sorry not sorry, Ichimatsu.

“Oh, alright then,” Sen said, then bowed. “I guess I was just thinking about your successful interview too much then.”

“Oh, it is quite fine,” Todomatsu fibbed, planting very sweaty hands against his hips. “I am alone in my features—there’s no one else like me at all. If there was, it’s probably a doppelgänger signaling death that looms over me. Therefore I am the one and only, Sen-chan. Todomatsu Matsuno.”

Atsushi turned away, shoulders shaking.

Sen chuckled. “If you say so, mister Matsuno. So, are you up for it, Todomatsu-san? Would you accept my invitation to be a cashier instead of a janitor?”

“Yes, my sweet! I am glad to oblige!” Todomatsu hollered, spreading out his arms. “I shall prepare myself for all the hi’s and hello’s I can offer to any passersby for this fine establishment! Give the word and I shall motion with the swift energy of lightning!” Smirking painfully, he posed, spreading his legs out, resting one of his elbows over his other hand, and he flicked his bangs before sending Sen a finger gun. “Like lightning. Bang.” He inched his fingertip.

Atsushi exploded into full-on laughter.

“Alright then,” Sen said, nervously cutting Atsushi a look as she slowly retreated into the staff room. “I’ll let them know, so wait here. Let me make the arrangements for you, alright?”

“Heh. You are the true Samaritan, dearest Sen,” Todomatsu gritted out with the flawless character of his brother.

Then waving, Sen closed the door behind her.

Todomatsu snapped.

“What the hell is wrong with you, you turd-hole?!” he yelled, gripping Atsushi’s dark collar and shaking him with the mercy of a madman. “Stop making me look as transparent as I already am! It’s bad enough that I need to be that stupid-as-hell brother in order to win back my pride, moron! And don’t question how I can impersonate the goon, and I too want to straight-up murder my past self for ever thinking that being friends with that painful Shittymatsu was a good idea! So shut the hell up!”

“Yo, Totty!” Atsushi called out, still smiling through the force shoving him back and forth. “Why didn’t you just tell her no? You don’t have to put up a Karamatsu everyday if you don’t want to! Be a janitor in freedom! It’s still worth it!”

“And let myself still look like an effing NEET in the process?! Not a chance!” Todomatsu fumed, releasing Atsushi and pouting, folding his arms. “You won’t understand. You have everything already. Why not just be a comrade and let me have this? I know it sucks and it hurts and it’s painful as fu—!” Pausing, he doubled over, and he vomited a waterfall of glitters onto the floor. The Karamatsu was really getting into him.

“I’m not telling you anything,” Atsushi said, shrugging casually as Todomatsu straightened up again, wiping his lips. “If you want to or not, it’s your choice. You’re the only one balancing on your own lifeline. Each choice you make affects you, and there’s no one else that can do anything about it.”

“Meh, I guess that’s true.” Finally, Todomatsu had the urge to pull Karamatsu’s sunglasses off his face to look at. Just the blue of them reflecting the light from the restaurant made him want to snap them and toss them out into the Bermuda Triangle. “Still though. If it makes me get more than what I already have, Imma be up for the challenge. Time to be Karamatsu-niisan.” He returned the shades. “I dunno how long I can pull this off—if I do at all.”

Atsushi snorted. “Wish you luck. How long you can keep this up will color me curious as well.”

~~~

One week. It was one entire week of painful dialogue and flamboyant posing. It was one week with Todomatsu being responsible for those awful sunglasses that Karamatsu had been looking for whenever they came back home after days under Akatsuka Ward’s sun. It was one week of heh’s and hm’s, and each time Todomatsu wanted to throw a fit and dump on a table the same way Ichimatsu would. He was angry, he was embarrassed, he just wanted to end his suffering with a knife to the chest or whatever lame shtick.

“You’re doing great, Todomatsu-san,” Sen would tell him, and it was kind of true. Customers did seem very satisfied with Karamatsu’s dialogue floating to their ears, and it made Todomatsu question humanity in its intelligence. It was either he was dumb or the world was dumb, and he voted for the latter due to his excessive pride. That, and he needed reassurance of something, because working as a cashier mimicking his older brother didn’t deduce the NEETiness he felt like was still sewn into his system.

He didn’t answer any questions from anyone else though. If it were Aida and Sachiko that were close by in their shifts, Todomatsu would be able to cut away the sheets of Karamatsu’s ghost long enough for him to be normal, the same Todomatsu ‘Totty’ Matsuno that the two baristas knew. As for his brothers, he was always mopey when taking orders from them if they ever came, and they always left Sutabaa with knowledge only on the purchased drink rather than the persona that broke loose with other customers. Todomatsu was glad of the stupidity of Jyushimatsu and the lack of comment from Ichimatsu.

And then...The day came.

“One strawberry latte for Nishimiya,” Sen announced, scribbling the name on a large cup with a black marker.

“Heh. Blueberry cheesecake for Shimizu,” Todomatsu added, wanting to let a large portion of glittery vomit escape his throat again. “Kindly help yourselves to table four, my dear. You wait there for the meantime—your hunger will be satisfied momentarily.” He lowered his sunglasses, winking. And when the customer smiled at him in appreciation, it was obvious she didn’t notice how much pressure Todomatsu had to put into his muscles just to make himself appear his way.

“Right, Totty, right?” Sen left the table, handing the cup to him. “I’ll be on my break now. Can I leave it to you?”

“Heh. If that may assist thy fatigue, I’d be willing to move mountains for you.” Shoot, shoot, SHOOT! Just kill him already, Akatsuka-sensei so he didn’t have to do this bullhooey anymore! But this ‘bullhooey’ seemed to deem him fine for now as Sen bobbed her head, entering himself into the opposite room as she closed her door.

The bell above the Sutabaa entrance chimed.

A sigh.

Time stopped for Todomatsu, and for a moment there was nothing he could do but transform into a frozen block of ice. But his recovery was swift, and before notice Todomatsu took off his sunglasses as a pair of leather-sleeved elbows propped themselves on the counter.

“Good morning, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu said, smiling sadly at his brother. Sadly? Why sadly? Shoot, that meant he was going to blow up into painful monologuing territory that will be sure to either end his life, or Todomatsu’s. Bullsh—“I’d just want a coffee, please. Extra sugar, maybe?” Karamatsu went on, devoid of joy.

Todomatsu gulped. “Ah, right. Wh...Why are you here, Karamatsu-niisan?” His gaze darted through the area, hoping for no familiar faces to question him and his conversation with his lookalike brother. Thank goodness the timing had Sen leaving for a while before anything else bad could happen, because Todomatsu swore to Cod, bad stuff was indeed going to happen.

“Need a little time to think, perhaps?” Karamatsu said, lowering his own blue sunglasses. It was a fun thought, Todomatsu imagined, to continuously rid Karamatsu of any of his glasses by breaking them in half or tossing them into a gorge, but a spare would always find themselves on his face the following day. Wonder how many he had tucked in their closet? His entire allowance, most likely. No wonder he has only his 10% chances of winning in pachinko.

Karamatsu continued, “Because there was this very beautiful woman, and for a while I might’ve called her mine, but...” He gripped his elbows with opposite hands, fingers sinking into his sleeves, “she rejected my confession,” he squeezed out.

Todomatsu remained unfazed. Alright. So? Todomatsu didn’t give a dang about Karamatsu’s tragic love story. “So you thought that coming here to mope would be a good idea? Why not just follow Osomatsu-niisan in Pachinko or go fishing with Choromatsu-niisan?”

“Heh. They had their own activities planned for this lonely afternoon,” Karamatsu told him, and Todomatsu felt the horror of old English penetrating through him. “And is it wrong that I wanted to spend time with my dear littlest brother? I missed days where we trekked the world solo. I guessed that maybe time with him again would lift my soul from the pits in where it has fallen into. Crammed with skeletons...O-Oh, Totty! My heart is weeping, my brother!” He extended his arms and tightened them around Todomatsu, pulling the younger man towards him before sobbing on his shoulder.

Todomatsu went rigid, praying to everyone in the skies listening not to have anyone barge in during this absolutely humiliating moment of Todomatsu’s probable fall from grace.

“And she was a delicate flower too!” Karamatsu wept, clinging to Todomatsu with all his might. Cod, the counter edge was digging into Todomatsu’s stomach...! “Beautiful and compassionate and oh! Such an ideal diamond, brother! And yet I was not anything to her!” He wailed, breathing jagged as he mashed his face onto Todomatsu’s collar, letting it absorb his misery.

“Ugh! Keep it down, Shittymatsu!” Todomatsu hissed, prepping his hands over Karamatsu’s chest in preparation to push him away. “I’m at work, for crying out loud! And what kind of idiot customer walks up to the cashier to cry? Are you that stupid?”

Thankfully preserving the need for Todomatsu to do the deed himself, Karamatsu released his younger brother, leveling Todomatsu’s gaze with confusion setting as the emotion in his tear-filled eyes. “Umm...Cashier? I thought you were a janitor?”

Oh, Cod-damn it. Todomatsu cringed. Karamatsu didn’t know yet, couldn’t know, will never ever know...! If he knew who knew what kind of shtick Todomatsu will have to put up with and what kind of life he will forever be living with regret and—!

The staff room door opened. “Totty! I think I forgot my wallet here and—” Sen paused, staring at the brothers before flinching. “Oh! Sorry! I didn’t think there was a customer! Please, carry on, sir! You...!” Her eyebrows furrowed as she trailed off, gears clicking in her head. “...look exactly like Totty. Are you brothers? And he’s got a leather jacket and...Huh?”

Karamatsu blinked, thick brows curved questioningly. “Yes, I’m his brother. And are you...? Totty, are you alright, my dear brother?”

Holy crap! Cod, crap-crap-crap! Todomatsu felt his blood run dry. “Ah, yeah! Karamatsu! Sen-chan! I, um, heh!” He suddenly grabbed Karamatsu’s wrist and dragged him off, not waiting for anything else as he led Karamatsu out the Sutabaa door and outside the building to its side. Behind a wall, where no one sale might see them. Might. Because no one important was going to need glancing at a pair of brothers that looked closest to being members of slavery in the caste system.

Which they were, mind you. But not Todomatsu, if Karamatsu decided not to screw things up.

“Huh? Todomatsu, what’s going on?” Karamatsu asked as Todomatsu parted his grip on Karamatsu, massaging his temper and tingling veins for tranquility that didn’t want to come.

“Look. I can explain some other time, but for now, just effing follow my lead, got it, niisan?” Todomatsu ordered lowly, cautious for stares. Sen, the manager, Aida, Sachiko, or any of their foolish brothers. “I am the cool one, you’re the same loser as you always were. Picture yourself when you were eighteen, or just think about your heartbreak. You’re a goner from life. And you have no idea how to speak with your normal, flashy speech patterns.”

Karamatsu was nothing but confused. “Eh?”

Scoffing irritably, Todomatsu snatched the glasses from Karamatsu’s face and put them on himself, then proceeded to take off Karamatsu’s leather jacket from his brother’s body. That stupid shirt had the painful man’s face on it...! Alright, he can find a way around that. All he needed to do was be creative. Karamatsu was already an actor of some sort, so there was no need to...! Bah! Freaking heck with it! Making up stories was never difficult when you grew up as a liar!

Todomatsu flipped the leather jacket over his own shoulders and lifted his chin at Karamatsu.

“Todomatsu?” Sen called out. “Are you two over here?”

Just in time. Todomatsu elbowed Karamatsu’s gut, and after a grunt from him, Todomatsu said, “Follow. My. Lead. Or I’m going to burn all of your clothes before you even blink again.”

“Eh? Uh, ‘kay,” Karamatsu hesitantly agreed.

“Totty? Ah, there you two are.” Sen made herself visible as she stepped out of the corner turn. And being able to now see them openly, she stopped walking, for good reason. “Um, is this a bad time?”

“No, not at all,” Todomatsu said, speaking with an impression of his brother as he tried to wave a hand with dismissal. Cod, he could already smell the cologne. “It’s my brother here. It’s not much, but I find it quite unruly of him to root through my clothing without my permission. I’m just trying to set him straight for it again. Apologies, Sen-chan.”

“Eh?!” Karamatsu half-gasped, only faltering when he saw the stiletto aimed at him in Todomatsu’s glare. “Ah, yeah, sorry about that,” he said lightly, timidly. “I was, uh...Going through a phase? I wanted to be, uh, like him.” He pointed at Todomatsu limitedly. Todomatsu jerked his head slightly. Doing great, you lame actor. Karamatsu-niisan.

“Ah, I don’t think I should be here then,” Sen amended, backing away from them with a light flush and an apologetic smile. “If this is something personal, the last thing I want to do is walk in on your talk.”

“Heh, we’re fine, my dear. Kindly decrease your pressure on our situation,” Todomatsu soothed in a baritone, Karamatsu’s jaw lowering beside him as his eyes dilated. “We will report back to the main cafe shortly. My brother here, must only receive a brief scolding. We will be fine, such as we always can be. Right, my dear brother Karamatsu?”

Karamatsu sniffed, taking his palms to the corners of his eyes. “Cod, you’ve adapted so much...!” he sniveled proudly, and defeatedly, to Sen’s ears. “I’m so proud of you, Totty!”

Todomatsu felt a vein bob under his skin. When they were alone, he was going to kill this man.

But for the meantime, he said, “Oh, do not weep, brother! Forgiveness is always a virtue in our bloodline! I will not hold your prejudices against you! Instead, come into my arms as I will blanket you with comfort that will leave you spellbound in my affection!” And as much as he didn’t want to do it, Todomatsu spread out his arms, which were immediately touching not the air anymore but Karamatsu as he threw himself against Todomatsu’s chest.

“You sound like me! I’m so happy!” Karamatsu cried, though gratefully softly enough for Sen not to hear.

“Can it, niisan,” Todomatsu hissed in reply. “If you mess up the act none of us will be able to walk this earth again without regret dragging our ankles. Just continue being this emotional and we’ll be fine. Make me look cool here.”

“Okay, brother. I...Wait...If you’re acting like me and telling me to make you look cool...” Karamatsu hiccuped. “Does that mean you think I’m cool?” he sobbed out desperately.

Todomatsu choked, his entire body warming as his face fell red. “N-No! You’re not cool! There’s a reason for all of this and I—!”

“I’ll just leave now,” Sen said, wagging her hand as her shoes planted themselves on the ground behind her. “You two sort yourselves out. I’ll be glad to cover you for a bit, Totty, if you need time to settle things out.”

“Your heart truly was mantled from Hephaestus’s golden chamber,” Todomatsu rasped, his body and mind matted with sequins on wounds.

Karamatsu buried his head in deeper, squeezing Todomatsu tighter as Sen dipped her head and vanished from sight. Only then did Todomatsu grind his teeth together and shove Karamatsu off him, making the older man stumble back and catch himself by a pillar, blinking wetly at Todomatsu.

“Okay, enough,” Todomatsu said tersely, eyelids weighing down unamused as his arms interlaced parallel to his torso. “Karamatsu-niisan, can you please not tell anyone of this, ever? I’m gonna tell you everything, but swear to me that all this is to be kept between us. If anything comes out, your head will be what our brothers will see at the dinner table later tonight.”

“Of course! If there’s a secret, I promise of sealed lips that I would take with me to my tombstone!” Karamatsu vowed, a fist connecting to his left breast. “Reveal all you need to, my brother! I await your words.”

“Cod, that’s so painful,” Todomatsu wheezed, then cleared his throat afterwards, lowering the sunglasses for solid eye contact. “I was given the chance to become a cashier because they thought I was you. Or at least, you were me, but I think you might have an idea. They really liked your speaking patterns from the interview, and wanted that to be the first thing that customers heard when entering Sutabaa. So assuming I was you, and wanting to rise from a crappy janitor, I pretended to be you so that I can achieve that higher position. It’s my rise in the caste system, honestly. It’s all I ever wanted.”

“T...Totty...” Karamatsu breathed.

“Iya-ya, it’s not much,” Todomatsu promised, gesturing for emphasis. “But I thought it was the only shot I got. I understood you enough that it wasn’t really hard to be like you, so that was the least of my problems. But of course, it was painful as hell, since the entire week had me trying to be someone I’m not. I guess I...I...” Then the realization, for the first time, hit him, and he wrinkled the leather jacket in his hands, smacked it to the ground, and turned to walk away.

But then there was a hand clamping around his wrist, and Karamatsu had stopped Todomatsu from going any further with his promising hold. “Oi. You aren’t going without finishing that sentence, Todomatsu,” he said sternly.

“They like you more than me,” Todomatsu spat out brokenly.

Karamatsu’s reply was his muteness.

“Think about it, niisan. If it were just you trying to be me before, it would’ve landed me as nothing but a plain old janitor if nothing at all,” Todomatsu blabbered, a finger pushing up the shades as he averted his gaze to his feet. “But when you broke into you, I got the chance of being a cashier again. And now the only reason I’m keeping the job is because I’ve been trying to be you. If I were being me, what would I even be contributing to society? Nothing. Maybe that’s why I lost the job in the first place.”

Karamatsu was still holding him firmly.

“Never mind. I’m babbling nonsense you won’t understand. Sorry, Karamatsu-niisan.” Todomatsu used his free hand to rescue his eyes from the blue lenses that were casting his surroundings in aqua. Then he took Karamatsu’s other hand and pressed their surface on them, securing his fake identity with its true owner once again. “I’ll just return to work now. Pretend that you finally won over me so that they don’t ask why I’m me instead of you.”

“Totty.”

Todomatsu exhaled softly. “Hm?”

“Is that why my glasses have been disappearing all week?”

“...yes.”

“So I guess...It’s best you have your own pair, right?” Karamatsu chuckled, handing back his sunglasses. “You still need to pretend to be me, right? And I still need to pretend to be someone else?”

Todomatsu inclined his head, surprise painting him. “Eh? What do you mean? I’m giving you back your identity, you dimwit, trying to live with mine. Are you so agreeing that it’s better I fake myself instead? Is that how much I suck to you?”

“Far, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu stated steadily. “It’s because I learned before that you can learn when you pretend to be someone else. By being in someone else’s shoes, you come to realize how much there is to love about yourself. Is that not true? Is my painful personality not something you cannot stand? It is, and that’s why you even think of yourself as better than me. The last thing I want is you to think of yourself so lowly because of my accomplishments.

“Todomatsu, you were sick the day I came to the interview as you. But remember, that was the second interview. Sutabaa managed to accept you once, and was willing to do so again after you dropped out when we humiliated you. If they had seen you for who you truly were, then I’m certain that they would still be ready to welcome you again as the real Todomatsu Matsuno as you are.”

“Then...Why did you want to give me these...?” Todomatsu gasped out, trailing his thumbs over the dark blue lenses of the shades.

“I wanted to teach you that lesson,” Karamatsu said, shrugging casually with a small smirk. “But I just explained the mechanics in my agenda, so there’s no use for that now. I think it’s best you just return to Sutabaa again as yourself instead of a clone of me. Because, brother. You’re surprisingly good at it.”

“Gee, thanks,” Todomatsu said, his heart finally softening free from whatever claws had once gripped it. “I’m sorry I threw your jacket like that.”

“There’s always the laundry. Don’t worry about that.” Karamatsu laughed. “Come now, brother. I still have my coffee in the waiting, do I not? Please treat your brother to something to warm his insides from the Antarctica waters in which it has drowned.”

“Ugh, fine,” Todomatsu said, but not harshly, before looking down at the shades. “Are these really mine now though? I think they match your face better than mine. And I think they will miss you if they were gone.” Grinning, he hung the sunglasses from Karamatsu’s top, then stood back with satisfaction, hands pressed to his waist.

“Heh. Thank you, Todomatsu,” Karamatsu said, chuckling.

Then together, they went back to the entrance of Sutabaa, opening the door as Todomatsu cried out, “Sen-chan! We’re back! And we have a coffee pending for—!”

“Oh hey, you two!” Osomatsu greeted, hands in the pocket of his hoodie as he stood in front of the counter, Sen at the other side. “I was actually gonna ask where you were, Karamatsu! I heard you were working here in Sutabaa and I was curious to know if it was true!”

Todomatsu and Karamatsu gaped in unison. “Eh?!”

“But I guess I was wrong,” Osomatsu said, rubbing his nose with a finger. “Totty’s wearing the uniform. Now you make me wanna ask about the rumors: why was I hearing of a Sutabaa cashier who uses Karamatsu slang every time he gets an order? I didn’t wanna believe it, and I still don’t, but maybe I should be realizing that since it’s both of you involved! Of course Totty would have the best impersonation other than Jyushimatsu—you two were besties as kids, right? So it’s safe to say that you were looking up to Karamatsu for a while, Totty!” Osomatsu laughed.

Todomatsu’s stomach coiled. “B-But—!”

“Is that true, Todomatsu-san?” Sen asked, frowning a little.

“It’s gotta be, right?” Osomatsu continued. “Totty would do anything to get what he wants. If being a ‘Karamatsu’ would help him in his salary, then he’d do it. Just like he’d lie to other Sutabaa employees that he was from a university so big when all he was was a NEET. It’s simple—he’s a demon for a reason.”

“Wait,” Sen said, frown deepening. “Does this mean that it wasn’t Todomatsu at the interview? But Karamatsu?”

“Hah? Totty never went to any interview,” Osomatsu exposed obliviously, unaware of the jaws on the floor from the two brothers standing next to him. “Ha-ha! Sen-chan, right? You’re making me laugh here! Don’t tell me you mistook Karamatsu for Totty! I mean, I might, but they’re brothers, so identity thief shenanigans is a thing and so cheating is not hard!”

Sen stared. So did Karamatsu. Todomatsu felt his entire body burn into ashes.

~~~

Todomatsu’s butt slammed on the sidewalk from the force of the hands that had previously shoved him out of the building.

Karamatsu immediately went to his side. “Totty! Wh-What did they tell you, my brother?”

Todomatsu clicked his tongue. “I got fired.”

Karamatsu’s face fell.

“Welp, all in a day’s work, right?” Osomatsu said, spinning his heels and going ahead. “Hey, I won a bit in pachinko, by the way. Wanna try using that in some of the races? We might get half as much if I use my detective brain again to read between the lines!” He laughed. “Just like I did with you two idiots.”

Todomatsu ground his teeth. He really was surrounded by demons.

[treadmilltreats]

Knowing your worth 

Since this month is domestic violence month I want to write about this topic a lot. So many of us do not know our own self worth. We lost ourselves in a relationship and have let our self esteem walk off a long time ago.

I know because I did that while I was in my abusive marriage for 24 years. I lost myself, I ended up not even knowing or liking who I was anymore. I gave it all away to him, to "please" him, to make him happy but it doesn't matter because you will never make them happy. No matter how good you do something, it won't be good enough for them.They are not happy with themselves so how could you possibly make them happy? 

Recently I got to see up close and personal what I ran away from eight years ago. How the person you love can treat you like shit, put you down, make you feel like your his slave and it took all I had not to say something because I will no longer hold my damn  tongue.

But I've also learned that sometimes if you open your mouth, they will drag your friend away from you. They don't want anyone, friends or family to put anything in their ears so that's why they pull you away. They will tell you they don't like them and that they don't think they are good for you when in reality they are not good for them. They don't want you to get a backbone or finally smarten up, so of course they will say anything to keep them away from you.

But as my other girlfriend said to me, this was a lesson I needed to see. And it was because I said I don't care if I'm an old maid for the rest of my life, all alone… but I will never let another man treat me that friggin way again! I'd rather be alone than put down, called names, be someone's slave again. Walking on eggshells to make sure I do everything perfect, killing myself to please someone else...oh hell no!! 

That shit will never happen again! It definitely was a lesson and it definitely made me appreciate the lessons I learned while I was with the Prince. 

He appreciated me, he taught me to expect respect, to know my worth and never take less. And God has a sense of humor because the same day I was learning this lesson my remember when on Facebook was a picture of flowers that the Prince sent to me and it said when you're having a bad week and he brings you flowers, your favorite ice cream and a back rub to make you feel better. This is what we should expect instead of when we are feeling sick, to feel like we have to keep going because the other person will get mad or put you down, that your so worried that you'll rather kill yourself doing it than quit and hear their mouth.

Seriously, is that any way to live? No, not for me I've learned my lesson, thank you very much! I don't need a repeat performance. But to be honest I am hard headed and I did need to learn it a few times before it sunk in. 

Yes, I did date quite a few narcissistic men, passive aggressive, controlling men after my divorce before I learned that lesson. It only takes that one day, that one person to show you your worth, to treat you like gold for you to realize that you are worth it. 

That this is the way every man should and better treat you from that point on. I will never tolerate disrespect, I will never sell my soul to make someone happy again. I love myself now, I don't have to answer to anyone, I am my own boss and don't get it twisted I'm not saying I don't want a relationship, I do but I will never be in one that treats me less than, that puts me down, that makes me question myself or makes me hate myself again. 

So today my friends, I'm telling you that you are worth it! You are smart, beautiful, you can do anything so why? Why are you staying in a place that is killing your spirits and your soul? Because "he loves me" I hear that one many times and I even said it myself but darling love does not hurt, love is not painful, love does not make you cry and try to change you. 

True love is a love that accepts you for you, flaws and all.

It teaches you how to be good to yourself.

It shows you they are there for you and they will take care of you.

It is pure unselfish love for another person, where you put yourself in their shoes and you don't want to hurt them in any way, shape or form.

That is true love, I know because I had it with the Prince and I will not settle for anything less anymore.

Don't settle, you can be lonely with someone, you can feel miserable even when you have a "man"

Let me ask you? Wouldn't you want peace and joy in your life? 

I am choosing peace and joy over anything else and my prayer for you is that you will too.

Please reach out today to your local women's shelters or domestic violence hotline and like I always say at the end of every blog "Be the change you want to see" 

@Treadmilltreats 

Join our women's community @SoulSistersSoulution 

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[thesoujishow]

S01E01 - Ken Sarukenka

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

Souji: Testing? Hello?

Ken: Yo? Sounds like it's working to me!

Souji: Ok. There we go.

[INTRO - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Hello, and welcome to the Souji Show. I'm Souji and this is a show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours.

Souji: This episode is sponsored by the peanut butter in Reese’s cups. They have the taste and the texture of a vitamin-enriched paste you squeeze from a tube directly into your mouth when you’ve been living in a bunker for 30 years because aliens invaded and it’s your birthday treat. Thank you Reese’s!

[MAIN - glitchy transition music]

Souji: For this very special, first-ever episode, we have a very special guest. You may know him as The Howler, or the other Ken, but to me, he's my monkey boy. Everyone, give it up for Ken Sarukenka!

Ken: Indeed, none other than the fantastical Ken Sarukenka.

Souji: Now Ken, tell everyone about yourself. Where are you from? What motivated you to go to Kyoranki? All that jazz.

Ken: I was born and raised in Kyoto and moved to Osaka around the start of middle school and been here ever since, my parents are Ippei and Meiko Sarukenka, better known as Great Ape and Statue, I am also a two time winner of middle school nationals in gymnastics, I was motivated to become a hero because all my life people around me have been heroes, my parents used to be, my brother is one and I choose this school because my brother graduated from here and it's reputation!

Souji: So, both your parents and brother are heroes. Was the decision to enrol at Kyoranki one you made on your own? Or was there added pressure from your family? How did they react when you got the acceptance letter?

Ken: Well, both my parents retired shortly I came into the world, I wouldn't say any of them pressured me but being overshadowed isn't very nice, yakno? I think it was mostly expected in a way, mostly because of my family really.

Souji: Speaking of being overshadowed, do you feel that you have the need to surpass your family in a way?

Ken: Yes, I feel that I have to surpass every single one of, my parents, my brothers I can't be remembered as the second or third best in my family, yakno? [dead serious tone]

Souji: O-ok. What was it like growing up with famous parents? Did people recognise you at all?

Ken: Well, growing up with famous people isn't anything special to me I get recognised every now and then, I met a bunch of other celebrities, I met a bunch of old guard heroes and a few newer once through my brother but it's not anything extreme I'd say. I'm more likely to get recognised now probably after I ended up on the news!

Souji: Speaking of being in the news, the Osaka Rising Star featured your fight at the provisional licence exams. Now I've heard from a little birdie that you didn't have the best time at the exams. Can you tell the listeners more about that? And what are your plans going forward?

Ken: Well... uh what can I say, I'll do the remedial courses and show the speaker that he was wrong to fail me right from the get go so he can go to sleep every night thinking that he almost stopped this world seeing the shining star of tomorrow! As for plans, train, complete remedial course and push forward the keys to everything in life.

Souji: Care to share on how you're planning to do that? What sets your apart from the rest of the Sarukenka heroes?

Ken: It's hard to say, are a bit different but if anything I'd say what sets me apart is the fact that I am none other than I and that I won't stop before I stand out even among them!

Souji: That's a very Ken answer. I respect that. [chuckle]

Ken: There is no other answers than the Ken answer, Souji. [little laugh]

Souji: Speaking of a shining star, let's shine the spotlight back towards the main focus of his podcast - me! Now, Ken, it's your turn to ask me questions. C'mon, don't be shy, ask anything you'd like.

[ASK SOUJI - glitchy transition music]

Ken: Well, I guess I'll throw the ball right back at you, why do you want to be a hero? Is it only because of Starlight or is there something more and how do you intend to stand out in this world filled with people like yours truly!

Souji: To catch the listeners up, I'm a big fan of Starlight. I guess I never considered a career in being a hero until I saw that special documentary episode of Speak with Starlight, what captivated me was his fans, there were a lot of them, each and everyone admired him and his heroic deeds and seeing the praise and attention that his fans are giving him, it sure was tempting. [laugh]

Ken: Inspiration is good, it helps you realise things doesn't it? Not everyone grows up in a family like mine where you are exposed to things the same way I was and I can surely see how it was tempting, I have been tempted by the shining lights that I have been surrounded with myself.

Souji: Inspiration can come from unexpected places, it's true that little things inspire us.

Ken: Indeed, I once felt inspired by watching a squirrel climb a tree! They always look like they are so free and have so much fun, so why shouldn't I do the same?

Souji: I'm great at climbing trees, we should really climb some one day.

Ken: I'd be down!

Souji: In all honesty, it was the fame and money that made me want to become a hero. It's a bit narcissistic, I know, but it is what it is. But during my time here, I saw what happened to the people around us. I want to be a helping hand in making a difference in people’s lives. Plain and simple. My family's poor so the money's still my number one motivator but it makes me happy knowing that I'll make the city a little bit better for everyone living in it.

Ken: I ain't gonna fault anyone's reasoning, being a hero is a profession after all just like being a policeman, fireman, doctor and so on, the only difference is the spotlight and the persona. Hopefully, you can throw your family a bone once you hit it off, eh?

Souji: Of course, I want to give back as much as I can. They might not be around as much, but I know they still want the best of me. Also, I want to travel. I've been stuck in Osaka for most of my life, and I love the city, don't get me wrong, but I just want to see what's out there.

Ken: Travelling is nice, but home is where the heart is wouldn't you agree?

Souji: Yeah, I wouldn't trade Osaka for anything. [pensive pause] Well, that got sentimental. Let's move on to our audience questions! These were submitted by our classmates in our group chat. Ready? Ok.

[Qs from the GC - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Fumi wants to know do you like bananas?

Ken: I like bananas in things but not really a huge fan if they are on, it's alright.

Souji: Kotoe wants to know your favourite genre of music.

Ken: My favourite genre of music is pop or rap, if it has a nice beat or a dramatic feeling I am usually down.

Souji: Kichiro asks, can you talk to monkeys?

Ken: No, I cant talk to monkeys believe it or not.

Souji: Taka inquires, does Ken-san take inspiration from Sun Wukong? That's some Chinese stuff, right?

Ken: Yeah my costume is mostly inspired by him, so his name hero name which means that one day soon I will be the Great Sage who rivals the Heavens!

Souji: Great Sage who Rivals the Heavens. [chuckles] Wow, that's quite the mouthful. We might have to workshop that Ken.

Ken: Yeah... A bit too long probably. [snicker]

Souji: I don't have any suggestions on the top of my head, but please don't pick a weird hero name like Monkey Boy, or worse - Monkey King! Plus, to be a sage, wouldn't you actually have to be, you know, wise?

Ken: In what world is that worse? I think you're going crazy over here and who says you need to be wise to be a sage? Not that it matters I am clearly the wisest person here!

Souji: Ken, that's literary its meaning, sage means wise. Well, it does sound very flashy, but maybe a bit too arrogant maybe? I mean, you can't even talk to monkeys, how can you call yourself the monkey king. You can still be Monkey Ken, though.

Ken: What do you think would be better then? I think Monkey King is a perfect fit if you ask me!

Souji: How about trying some alliteration?

Ken: Pfft, alliterations are overrated anyway.

Souji: I'm not sure if it's final but I was thinking my hero name to be the Neon Ninja. See, it's short, simple and easy to remember.

Ken: Neon Ninja? Sound like a flopped comic or video game, ain't ever gonna pack the punch you'd need it to!

Souji: Of course it sounds lame, that’s the point. You have to start from the ground up. Once people know your deeds as a hero, that’s where it becomes cool. Do you think Starlight’s name was cool when he just started out? No, man. Who name’s themselves Starlight? But, it became cool. I’ll make the Neon Ninja cool.

Ken: Starlight packs more punch than Neon Ninja though! His is like cool and mysterious, yours just sound like a old school retro game people forgot about, why'd you ever wan to sound lame?! Whatever you say, if you prove me wrong I'll eat my words but if you can't I'll be there laughing!

Souji: How about this. Why would anyone want to name a technology company Apple? It's not cool, or futuristic, it's lame. But with time, people liked their product and the name got cooler. See? It might seem lame now, but just give it some time. Like grapes and wine.

Ken: I don't know, maybe something about the apple of knowledge and all that jazz? Didn't really play attention in religion class, so I ain't too sure but either way I think something more high impact is better!

Souji: Let's just agree to disagree, monkey boy. Finally, Haruto wants to know if do you know da wae?

Ken: I know my way, perhaps its the right way for others as well just follow along for the ride and see!

[ENDING - glitchy transition music]

Souji: Well, we're nearing the end of our the show, Ken, is there anything you'd like to remind our audience, maybe plug whenever they can find you online?

Ken: Hmm, well I do guess I could plug some things I am on [X-Social Media platforms] with [X-User names] feel free to follow me!

Souji: You've been pretty cool to talk to, so before you leave, I have a special surprise just for you. I've embroidered it myself, and the shirt is from a downtown thrift store.

Ken: Ooooh. You really didn't need to do that, but I love it, it's adorable!

Souji: Thank you for being my first guest, Ken. It means a lot.

Ken: I don't know what else you'd expect, it's always cool talking to me isn't it?

Souji: To keep with the show follow me @thesoujishow, and to support my small clothing business, follow @glitchgear on all social media platforms. Once again, this has been Ken Sarukenka and Souji Yoshihiro, and you’ve been listening to the Souji Show! A show where I talk about anything I want. 'Cause this is my show, and not yours. Until next time. Insert catchphrase here.

[vaporwave lo-fi song]

[silentfcknhill]

hey I've seen you reblog stuff about drugs and stuff and I just wanted to ask what narcatics were you into? random and blunt question but just curous. I'm having a hard time lately... drinking but I'm trying to quit with with it now and just started weed. I just feel like it's neve gonna be better, you know? shit I so okay for so long and then it all goes to fucking hell again. I'm sorry for unloading like this....

It’s okay, I hope you don’t mind if I ramble a long-ass answer. I was mainly addicted to drugs that were not traditionally considered addictive physically, just psychologically. My main drugs of choice were weed, acid, mushrooms and occasionally molly. I never had a huge problem with alcohol, as in I didn’t drink often but when I did I went way overboard and would often mix drugs that would make me very ill. Weed was okay for me at first before I went overboard and was spending hundreds a month, and I am not completely anti-weed like some people in NA, but I think there are people who can and can’t handle it mentally. I can’t. If you have mental health issues, especially anxiety (though I’ve seen some people it can help their anxiety), paranoia, dissociation, derealization or hallucinations/problems with reality to begin with, it is like playing with fire. I’m not saying you should panic, everyone has different reactions, but I could never smoke again after the bad acid trips and ego deaths I’ve had. Too many flashbacks. And I got serotonin syndrome a lot. I quit using 17 months ago and I’m still dealing with effects like visual fractals, a new worldview and mood problems. 

For about a year I was suicidal and having panic attacks every day, and I had to work double shifts while crying and vomiting (quiting was not an option because we are too poor and I did not want to be homeless again, especially in that condition). It takes a while for your brain to recover and learn to produce it’s own serotonin after smoking weed every day for two years, so there is a major depression that occurs when you get clean. I lost my appetite for a couple months, and also couldn’t sleep on my own. Drugs were basically my go-to for every minor inconvenience, so learning to be a person again and deal with problems directly was difficult. I became extremely paranoid while detoxing. I also lost all interest in everything, I experienced no joy and only dread, terror and depression. My obsessions such as movies and music were no longer enough to enjoy, I needed to experience them on absurd amounts of psychedelics and meditate on them and see them from weird perspectives to appreciate them. I have started gaining back my appreciation for the little things in life again by now. 

The hardest part for me was coming to terms with the fact that I will never be the same as I was before ever again, and now I just have to adjust. It sucks that I was a teenager while this was happening, and my brain was still developing, so now it became a part of my youth and shaped my personality a lot. But I try to think of it positively, because now I have a new chance to become a better person, I have a fresh start and not many people can have a second chance after fucking up and having no common sense. I am lucky to have not gotten into any legal trouble, though a lot of relationships were destroyed, I really deserved it. I am not trying to self-pity, but it is a fact that I have suffered beyond words and been to hell (I’m not religious but to me hell is a psychological state of torment and existential darkness and lack of reality), but I have also grown as a person and become exponentially more self-aware, empathetic, introspective and accepting of my defects. 

I know exactly what you mean when you say you feel it will never get better. When you’re in darkness it effects your whole perception and sense of reality and colors every area of life. We lose our memory of anything good ever. Kind of like a Dementor from harry Potter has sucked out our soul, which Dementors incidentally were written by JK Rowling as an analogy of her depression (Sorry for random reference, I am a fan of Harry Potter). But we are both still young, well I am and I assume you are as well as I don’t know many elderly people on Tumblr, and time changes things. Time doesn’t heal, but it does give you the opportunity to heal and grow. Nothing will ever magically heal, we will always be addicts, but you will have good days, and some very good days and memories, and those are worth riding through the bad to get to. It is very difficult to keep perspective, but I spent a couple years of my life on drugs. I have 70 years left ahead of me, best case scenario. This is not the end at all. 

I have seen people successfully drink and smoke and not become upset or addicted, but I have Asperger’s and BPD and I was foolish to ignore the sensitivities and chances I was taking and I put my trust into the wrong influences and people. I have developed my own coping mechanisms throughout my life, because addiction was obviously not the first and only trauma I’ve been through, I’ve been having issues since being a toddler basically including emotional violent abuse from the time I was born, sexual assault, personal deaths, bullying, self-harm and mental illness, having parents who are mentally ill and unstable and dealing with their suicide threats as a child, divorce, homelessness, murderers in the family, robbery, knife attacks, being a therapist to my mother, trying to stay objective as she described to me her post-partum depression involving demons telling her to throw me off a balcony and molest me, multiple suicide attempts of my own including a horrendous overdose, multiple hospitalizations, medications, dating a man in his 40’s as a young teen, being cheated on twice, coming to grips with my LGBT identity, and much more. I grew up in a fantasy world, always acting and playing pretend even to this day, I live my life through the eyes of my favorite characters, even while alone. AT this point it is very easy for me to detach from my emotions and reality and observe my own suffering as though I was a character in a movie or something. This is also why I have a decent tolerance to pain. I just view it as an experience, a memory. Time is really an illusion, so when I am hurt, I just remember that in a few hours it will be like nothing ever happened. 

Also, the one most important message I took from NA is probably the simplest, and most people don’t give it a second thought because it’s just a cliche to them, but when you really meditate on it and practice it, you realize how incredibly true and helpful it is: “One day at a time.” And that motto is a principle, not have to take it literally. I know for a lot of people, myself included, it can be more like one minute at a time, but you really gotta try to keep priorities in sight and self-care when need be. Sometimes there is nothing you can do to help yourself but go to sleep all day. It is fine to do that. I have trained myself to fall asleep relatively quickly using deep, controlled stomach breathing and and stims and mental focus patterns such as waterfalls, space travel, etc, movement that stays constant and is relaxing. Music helps too, but only without lyrics. There are a lot of sound pieces on youtube and stuff made for relaxing, like the sound of rain, or nature like the ocean or amazon. Whatever suits you. It is handy to have an off button like a computer sometimes. You just shut down and reboot. 

I’m not saying it is healthy to be avoidant, and I definitely have shut down and become very robotic as of late, but it is highly preferable to the alternative for me until when/if I learn better skills. You will hopefully feel better when you wake up, whether it was physical anxiety or mental or both. Plus, scientifically, sleep and dreaming is when our brains process information and memories, so we may come to familiarize ourselves with unknown fears or stresses while we sleep and wake up more able to deal with them rationally without the fight or flight. One day at a time ties in to a concept we call “the triangle of self-obsession”, and it relates to how living in the past causes resentments, focusing on negatives in the present causes anger, and fear stems from living in the future. One day at a time, take shit as it comes and don’t cross bridges before you get to them. of course, planning still is good but we must be flexible and not place our whole mental state on something that hasn’t happened yet. Anger roots back to fear, fear roots back to lack of control, and once we accept that we really cannot control everything and be omnipresent and all-knowing puppetmasters, we become more humble. 

I myself have come to terms with the fact that I am very narcissistic. I never thought I was, due to low self-esteem, but it only recently occurred to me that being narcissism is usually just a symptom of low self-esteem anyways, and it is just expressed differently. Some people build massive egos and brag. For me, my narcissism forms through being self-centered and selfishly focused on my own problems. Some people focus daily on distinguishing whether they are living and acting on their own will or their higher power’s will, and adjusting their behavior accordingly, because living on our own will is what got us in this position in the first place. I don’t really have a higher power in the traditional sense at this point, but it is still good to be mindful that I am not the center of everything, and that even though I claim to be open-minded, I am still just as judgmental and hypocritical as anyone else, I just express and experience it in different ways. Anyways, long tangent, no one cares, I will shut up now. I am kind of a basketcase, but if you need to talk, you can message or dm me anytime.

[apostatemages]

You want a lot of questions?! Even numbers! All of them. Because I'm horrible ?

Right, well, first off, fuck you :)

second, this is going under a read more

third, I’m leaving out the ones I know you already know/I don’t want to answer

2: Do I have any nicknames? Ninzz3: Zodiac sign? Aquarius4: Video game I play to chill, not to win? Tomb Raider Legend. I got every achievement possible in it years ago so it’s like a comforting, familiar walk for me.5: Book/series I reread? The only one I constantly reread is Memoirs of A Geisha, which I’ve read over 25 times, but I have read 1984 and the Call of Cthulhu several times as well.6: Aliens or ghosts? If I had to pick one, aliens. Because my space parents are always dicks to me and the other ones figured out how to paralyse me7: Writer I trust enough to read whatever they write? I don’t have one of those because I’m not a huge reader in the conventional sense and most of my favourite authors are dead.10: The word that I use all the time to describe something great? Awesome or nice11: Favourite song? Right now it’s Darkwave Surfer or Innsmouth, both by Aural Vampire12: The question you ask new friends to get to know them better? What books and movies they like. It’s always a good yardstick 14: The last person who hurt me, did I forgive them? Yes. I could never stay angry at you for long15: Last song I listened to? Right now I’m listening to Burning For You - Blue Oyster Cult. Before that it was Jane - Jefferson Starship16: TV show I always recommend? It depends very much on what the other person is asking for, but in a more general sense? Buffy, AHS, Xena, Parks and Rec, Breaking Bad, Brooklyn 99. I’m not a huge TV watcher, I never saw any of those on TV when they were on, only on tape, DVD or streaming services. 18: Movie I watch when I'm feeling down? Girl Interrupted, Memoirs of A Geisha, Star Wars, Practical Magic, The Matrix. These always bring me out of a bad mood19: Song that I always start my shuffle with/wake-up song/always-on-a-loop song? My alarm is Gimme Shelter - Rolling Stones21: What am I most afraid of? Onryo34: Someone I always think about? You!35: Am I excited about anything? My moon phase tattoos, which I’m getting in just over a week37: Favourite TV shows as a child? Buffy has been a firm favourite for as long as I can remember. All my favourite kids shows were like... Mona the Vampire and Arthur, 38: Do I have someone of the opposite sex that I can tell everything to? No, not really. I’m weird about men39: Am I superstitious? Yes41: Do I have any strange phobias? I wouldn’t say any of mine are strange. Irrational, perhaps, but not strange.42: Do I prefer to be in front of the camera or behind it? I love taking photographs of people, but I rarely get the chance. To be in front of the camera it would have to be a stranger paying me to do it, or someone I trust very much.44: Last book I read? Right now I’m reading Brave New World by Aldous Huxley. One of my best friend’s brother recommended it to me.45: Last film I watched? In Her Shoes50: How do I destress? If I’m really stressed out I’ll just pull a fanon hux and fuck myself until I pass out. I’m too boneless and sated to care about anything else51: Do I like confrontation? A sick little part of me does take pleasure in it when it’s someone I don’t really like54: Do I sleep with the lights on or off? On because I see things in the dark and it scares me55: Play any sports? No, but I enjoy swimming and gymnastics.59: Afraid of heights? As much as any sensible person is.61: What was the last concert I went to see? I’ve never been to one, not as such. I saw a live performance when I was a kid by some singer that committed suicide a few years after. 62: Am I vegetarian/vegan/pescatarian? No. But I could probably be vegetarian if I needed to be?63: What occupation did I want to do when I was younger? I wanted to be a vet.64: Have I ever had a friend turn enemy? Not as such, but I’ve had friendships turn so toxic that I’ve had to end them.70: Can I sing? I’ve been told I can so I guess, yes. I don’t feel I’m very good though.71: Something I wish I could do? fucking anything, lol73: Have I ever skipped school? Yes. Once I went out and smoked weed with a couple friends and went back into the school, where I then held onto a sink and had an existential crisis because it wasn’t weed, it was fucking skunk!!77: What is my current desktop picture? A picture of Rey on a speeder, half naked78: Early bird or night owl? Night owl for sure79: Sunsets or sunrise? sunset80: Can I drive? Yes81: Story behind my last kiss? I was leaving for my train home, it was a goodbye kiss.82: Earphones or headphones? Headphones84: Story behind one of my scars? I have a chickenpox scar in the middle of my forehead. And one on my left middle knuckle from trying to punch someone and hitting the wall because they moved.88: What makes me really angry? People who have lots of money asking me why I can’t just, like, buy the things I want??89: Kindle or real book? Real books, I detest kindles.90: Favourite sporty activity? If walking doesn’t count, swimming or climbing. I can’t do much of either these days because CFS92: What was my favourite subject at school? Geology. I’m a dirty rock lover94: What was the last thing I bought? A case for my new phone, because my other one got broken, oops96: Can I cook? If I follow a recipe exactly I’m great, but if I don’t... It’s pretty disastrous.97: Can I bake? Same rules as cooking.103: Sexual orientation? This is a question that perplexes me too! I have figured out that I’m gay mostly because I am unable to trust men enough to even form true friendships with them without doubting their motives. They always want sex from me, most have gone to ridiculous lengths to get it from me, and when I refuse? They force their attentions on me. 106: Last time I cried? Last week. I had a breakdown when the above finally occurred to me during therapy, among other similarly unpleasant revelations107: Guilty pleasure? ???113: Favourite accents? I dunno, I like lots of different ones.114: A place I have not been but wish to visit? Maine!117: Am I religious? Yes, I am. I consider myself pagan but I’m not sure what subset I fall into.119: Do I like the deep ocean? I suppose so, It’s interesting! There are lots of strange little creatures down there that could be my friends.121: Am I allergic to anything? No, not that I know of.122: Can I curl my tongue? Yes123: Can I wiggle my ears? No126: My current project? Your birthday gift. After that I plan to start a Star Wars tarot deck.128: Do I admit when I wrong? Yes, I try to. Sometimes I’m so stubborn that I don’t realise I’m in the wrong but the moment I do I try and apologise129: Forest or beach? I love both very much. I couldn’t choose one. 130: Favourite piece of advice? ‘Stay afraid but do it anyway’131: Am I a good liar? When it suits me. Acting like a bad liar makes it all the more convincing when you need to do it for real.133: Do I talk to myself? Literally all the time, I basically respond to my own thoughts by talking.135: Do I like gossip? I despise it136: Do I keep a journal/diary? I keep several: One for mind stuff/events/feelings, one for dreams, one for sexual fantasies, one for magical information, one for ideas, and one for general information. I also keep notes on my calendar. Whenever I go on a trip I keep a journal specifically for that and save all my ticket stubs and leaflets and photographs.137: Have I ever hopelessly failed a test? I must have at some point but I can’t say I remember.138: Do I believe in second chances? I’m a bad for giving people extra chances when I really shouldn’t.139: If I found a wallet full of cash on the ground, what would I do? Take the money and then put it in a lost and found.140: Do I believe people are capable of change? I suppose so. At their very core, perhaps not.141: Have I ever been underweight? Yes. Quite severely - about 90lbs146: Have I ever been overweight? Never. I’ve been more muscular but that doesn’t really count. I had an extra 20lbs of muscle a few years ago.147: Do I have any piercings? I have my ears, a labret, and the left side of my nose. I had my nipples pierced for about a year149: Do I have any tattoos? Three right now, soon to be four. runes on either wrist, and script that reads ‘destiny rules’ on my left shoulder150: What is the best decision I have made in life so far? To not go to college. I would certainly have killed myself by now if I had151: Do I believe in Karma? yes 152: Do I wear glasses or contacts? glasses, contacts in this house would be a very bad idea because of all the dust and fluff155: Who is the most intelligent person I know? The friend that recommended Brave New World. I’m quite intelligent but he makes me feel very, very stupid.158: Have I ever pulled an all-nighter? Yes, many times159: Which do I value more in others, brains or beauty? Brains, obviously. I’ve known some very beautiful people that are just horrible.160: What colour mostly dominates my wardrobe? No single colour, actually. I have a lot of white, blue, purple/burgundy, and black. Also earthy, light tan colours.161: Have I ever had a paranormal experience? I’ve had too many to list!162: What do I hate most about myself? That I’m so jealous. Especially of people with more money than me, I think about that almost every day and it makes me boil with rage.163: What do I love most about myself? That’s a very hard question to answer without seeming narcissistic. I guess I like that I’m a loyal friend, willing to deal with a whooooole lot.165: Do I believe in fate? Of course, or I wouldn’t have that destiny rules tattoo would I166: Favourite animal? Hard to say. I like snakes, spiders, dogs, cats and all sorts170: One of my favourite quotes? Just one? Awwww. ‘We live on a placid island of ignorance in the midst of black seas of infinity, and it was not meant that we should voyage far.’ - H.P Lovecraft171: Do I hold grudges? No, I don’t. Or else I would become the very thing I fear.172: Do I trust easily? No, not at all! It takes a long time for me to trust a person, if I ever do174: Best gift I’ve ever received? Hard to say. In terms of sentimental value, these: your japor snippet, Noodle and Leia, the velvet dress, Agnetha, my tattoos, the Kylo bear... those are all I can think of right now. In terms of usefulness, these: my previous phone, drawing tablet, TV, leather coat and trousers, that sort of thing.175: Do I dream? Yes, often.176: Have I ever had a night terror? Many times thought it happened more when I was a child.177: Do I remember my dreams, and what is one that comes to mind? I remember them vividly when I do, and I remember one where I missed a train. The station was underground and all steel, grey and sterile. Someone told me to run through a tunnel that reminded me of the book tunnels in Apocrypha, in that it stretched out in front of me as I ran through and in the gaps was Holly, riding a unicorn. It was very odd.179: If I were immortal, what would I do? If it meant I didn’t have to eat anymore then great! I could do anything I wanted.180: Do I like shopping? I would, if I actually had money. 181: If I could get away with a crime, what would I choose to do? Murder182: What does “family” mean to me? People that love you unconditionally and are there for you when you need them185: If I could master one skill, what would I choose? Sex, because then I would be able to do what I love and be boss at it186: What is my greatest failure? Boy, let me count the ways187: What is my greatest achievement? I don’t actually know. I can’t say I’ve achieved anything of note. I’ve done some cool stuff, but are they achievements? Probably not.188: Love or money? Love of money is the root of all sin, but money cannot buy love189: Love or career? Love, I couldn’t give a shit about careers194: If I could choose my last words, what would they be? See you next time195: Would I ever want to encounter aliens? I have done. Some, I would never choose to meet but the others I don’t mind196: A movie that scared me as a child? The Ring, thanks to that shit I have a psychological complex about onryo197: Something I hated as a child that I like now? Being spanked201: A nightmare that has stayed with me? Always the onryo, I remember every nightmare I have about them very vividly203: Do I judge a book by its cover? everybody does to some extent, right? it has to catch your eye in the first place204: Have I ever had my heart broken? I’d say so, yes. I am recovering.205: Do I like my handwriting? I guess so. It changes a lot, I never think about it206: Sweet or savoury? savoury208: Do I collect anything? I collect lots of things; bottle caps, coins, vhs tapes, etc etc209: Item of clothing or jewellery you’ll never see me without? My japor snippet and my siberian blue quartz pendant. And my various piercings. I’ve had the same earrings in for about 3 years now. 211: How do I handle anger? badly212: Was I named after anyone? Inanna, the Sumerian goddess of love, fertility, sex, and war.213: Do I use sarcasm a lot? Yeah...214: What TV character am I most like? Probably a strange mix of Andy and April from Parks and Rec215: What is the weirdest talent I have? I don’t have one, now that I think about it. I have hyperextended elbows216: Favourite fictional character? Tough one, tough one. Right now it has to be Kylo. But the most enduring would have to be Padme. I have a sticker of her on my bedroom door that I put there in 2000.

[treadmilltreats]

Knowing your worth 

Since this month is domestic violence month I want to write about this topic a lot. So many of us do not know our own self worth. We lost ourselves in a relationship and have let our self esteem walk off a long time ago.

I know because I did that while I was in my abusive marriage for 24 years. I lost myself, I ended up not even knowing or liking who I was anymore. I gave it all away to him, to "please" him, to make him happy but it doesn't matter because you will never make them happy. No matter how good you do something, it won't be good enough for them.They are not happy with themselves so how could you possibly make them happy? 

Recently I got to see up close and personal what I ran away from eight years ago. How the person you love can treat you like shit, put you down, make you feel like your his slave and it took all I had not to say something because I will no longer hold my damn  tongue.

But I've also learned that sometimes if you open your mouth, they will drag your friend away from you. They don't want anyone, friends or family to put anything in their ears so that's why they pull you away. They will tell you they don't like them and that they don't think they are good for you when in reality they are not good for them. They don't want you to get a backbone or finally smarten up, so of course they will say anything to keep them away from you.

But as my other girlfriend said to me, this was a lesson I needed to see. And it was because I said I don't care if I'm an old maid for the rest of my life, all alone… but I will never let another man treat me that friggin way again! I'd rather be alone than put down, called names, be someone's slave again. Walking on eggshells to make sure I do everything perfect, killing myself to please someone else...oh hell no!! 

That shit will never happen again! It definitely was a lesson and it definitely made me appreciate the lessons I learned while I was with the Prince. 

He appreciated me, he taught me to expect respect, to know my worth and never take less. And God has a sense of humor because the same day I was learning this lesson my remember when on Facebook was a picture of flowers that the Prince sent to me and it said when you're having a bad week and he brings you flowers, your favorite ice cream and a back rub to make you feel better. This is what we should expect instead of when we are feeling sick, to feel like we have to keep going because the other person will get mad or put you down, that your so worried that you'll rather kill yourself doing it than quit and hear their mouth.

Seriously, is that any way to live? No, not for me I've learned my lesson, thank you very much! I don't need a repeat performance. But to be honest I am hard headed and I did need to learn it a few times before it sunk in. 

Yes, I did date quite a few narcissistic men, passive aggressive, controlling men after my divorce before I learned that lesson. It only takes that one day, that one person to show you your worth, to treat you like gold for you to realize that you are worth it. 

That this is the way every man should and better treat you from that point on. I will never tolerate disrespect, I will never sell my soul to make someone happy again. I love myself now, I don't have to answer to anyone, I am my own boss and don't get it twisted I'm not saying I don't want a relationship, I do but I will never be in one that treats me less than, that puts me down, that makes me question myself or makes me hate myself again. 

So today my friends, I'm telling you that you are worth it! You are smart, beautiful, you can do anything so why? Why are you staying in a place that is killing your spirits and your soul? Because "he loves me" I hear that one many times and I even said it myself but darling love does not hurt, love is not painful, love does not make you cry and try to change you. 

True love is a love that accepts you for you, flaws and all.

It teaches you how to be good to yourself.

It shows you they are there for you and they will take care of you.

It is pure unselfish love for another person, where you put yourself in their shoes and you don't want to hurt them in any way, shape or form.

That is true love, I know because I had it with the Prince and I will not settle for anything less anymore.

Don't settle, you can be lonely with someone, you can feel miserable even when you have a "man"

Let me ask you? Wouldn't you want peace and joy in your life? 

I am choosing peace and joy over anything else and my prayer for you is that you will too.

Please reach out today to your local women's shelters or domestic violence hotline and like I always say at the end of every blog "Be the change you want to see" 

@Treadmilltreats 

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"And just when the caterpillar thought his life over...he turned into a beautiful butterfly"

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