#does ninjago technically count as an object show

[hiddensneker]

You know what? Fuck you! *object shows your ninja*

[lloydskywalkers]

Survivor Ninja!

Angst week took it out of me, so here's something less angsty to balance it out! This is partly the fault of watching Sharknado 3 at 2 am, and heavily, heavily inspired by a Voltron crack video that showed up on my dash, which was taken from The Try Guys Try Not to Die at Sea, or something. It's kind of crack, that's what I'm trying to say.

Takes place immediately after season 2!

"Da dum."

"Stop."

"Da dum."

"Stop it, Jay."

"Da dum da dum da dum da dum-"

"Jay!"

Jay ducks Kai's irritated smack, laughing. "Come on, you're not actually scared right now, are you?"

Kai scoffs, glaring at nothing in particular. "We're floating on a tiny, fragile, cheap piece of plastic in the middle of the ocean. Excuse me for being a little uncomfortable."

He certainly does look uncomfortable, huddled up in the middle of the raft, his arms wrapped around his knees as he glares at the ocean around them. "I hate this," Kai seethes. "I hate water. Water is the worst."

"Don't take it out on the water just because you can't swim," Nya says. Kai shoots her a venomous look of betrayal.

Lloyd frowns. "Weren't you gonna try to walk across the ocean back to Ninjago, when we were stuck on the Dark Island?"

"I had adrenaline then," Kai mutters. "It was life or death. This is just dumb."

"Aw, come on, it's not that bad," Jay offers, consolingly.

"Yeah, just boring," Lloyd sighs, flopping his head against the side of their raft, staring up at the cloudless sky.

"Stop that, you're gonna blind yourself," Cole says, putting a hand over Lloyd's eyes.

"Am not." Lloyd throws an elbow over his face in placation, though.

"Well, I'm having fun," Nya says, from where she's draped over the side, her legs hanging in the water, her head in Jay's lap. "This is the most relaxing training we've had in months."

"Speaking of, how did you weasel your way into this?" Kai says.

"That better not be a dig at me being part of the team," Nya glares at him. "Sensei Wu apparently thought I was necessary. Admit it. You guys would all die without me."

"Debatable," Kai mutters, while Jay agrees enthusiastically.

"Also, Sensei Garmadon still feels bad enough about the whole 'captured me and turned me into a brainless, purple-eyed minion' thing that all I really have to do is look at him and he'll let me do anything," Nya says, shrugging.

"Aw, he isn't like that with me," Lloyd whines. "And he swallowed me in a vortex of dark matter. And broke my ankle."

"Sprained," Zane supplies.

"It was broken when I got to the hospital!"

"That's because you ran up a skyscraper on it," Cole says helpfully.

Lloyd sticks his tongue out at him.

"We should probably start trying to find a way out of this," Zane says, attempting to reign them back in. "That is the mission objective, is it not?"

"I thought it was not to die in the middle of the ocean," Kai grumbles.

"No, we need to be trying to find a way back to the island," Lloyd sighs, finally sitting up straight. "It's been an hour already, we need to get moving."

This proves a problem, as none of them really have any idea where they were. Having been unceremoniously kidnapped from their beds early that morning, blindfolded, and dropped on a small raft in the middle of the sea, the most progress they've made so far is to complain about the general situation. They're off to a fairly rough start.

Kai eyes the note left by Sensei Wu cheerfully ordering them to "Find your way home!" in distaste. He'll bet anything this is Sensei Garmadon's fault.

"No powers, no Spinjitzu, no mechs," Jay says, dismally. "Face it, Lloyd. We're all hooped."

"C'mon, we can do this," Cole says, trying to inject some positivity into the conversation. "We trapped a giant snake on our own. We defeated the Overlord, for crying out loud!"

"No, you didn't," Kai says. "You got hit by purple goo and turned into a snarling nightmare two flights up Borg Tower."

"Oh, like you lasted much longer."

"I did! I didn't even get hit!"

"Oh yeah?" Cole sneers. "Then why'd Lloyd end up climbing all the way to the top by himself?"

"Which was totally not cool, by the way," Lloyd sulks.

"Hey, we tried, alright, it was an off day for us," Cole winces.

"Su-ure."

"Oh, come on, Lloyd," Kai says.

Lloyd huffs. "All I'm saying is that you better not leave me to face the big bad guy of the week all by myself again. It sucks."

"What, the golden ninja can't handle it?" Jay smirks.

"Nope."

"Geez, not even trying for subtlety there."

"I've been a ninja for like, what, a couple of months?" Lloyd throws his hands up. "And suddenly I'm supposed to be some invincible master? I'm still only like, fourteen-ish. Give me a year and then I'll be unstoppable."

"Technically, you're like ten-ish," Kai points out.

Lloyd narrows his eyes. "Fourteen-ish."

"Ten-ish."

"Fourteen-ish! Tomorrow's Tea counts!"

"Does it, though? Does it really?"

"It counts when it comes to being taller than Jay."

"You are not taller than me, you miniscule shrimp of a pipsqueak-"

"FSM help us, we are all going to die," Nya mutters.

"C'mon, guys, we're all exhausted, and tempers are high," Cole cuts in. "Fighting isn't going to help us any."

"Perhaps we would not be so tired if we hadn't stayed up so late watching movies," Zane says, innocently as always.

"Za-ane, you're not supposed to put the blame on us," Jay groans. "Pass it off to someone else."

"Words of a ninja, right there."

"Besides," Cole defends. "Attack of the Six-Headed Shark is a classic."

"In what world?" Nya says.

"Don't bring up sharks," Jay says. "You'll lure them to us."

Cole blinks. "You were literally singing the Jaws theme five minutes ago."

Jay waves him off. "That was to mess with Kai. Different case." He groans. "Ugh, now I'm thinking about it. This is exactly like the scene in Shark Frenzy 4."

"Just don't think about the sharks, then," Zane says.

"I can't help thinking about them!" Jay throws his hands up, glaring at Lloyd. "After someone made us watch all those dumb shark horror movies last night."

Lloyd shrugs innocently, making no comment.

"You knew," Kai suddenly says, his eyes narrowed on Lloyd. "You knew!"

"Knew what?" Lloyd says, even more innocently.

"You knew Sensei was gonna do something like this to us!" Kai accuses. "That's why you had us watch all those shark movies last night!"

"No, I didn't!" Lloyd defends himself as Jay gasps in wounded betrayal. "I just - okay, I had an idea, maybe, of what he was going to do." He glares at the raft. "I didn't know it was going to be this."

"You still knew," Kai glares at him.

Lloyd folds his arms. "It's not my fault you're scared of some dumb shark movies."

"Snotty brat."

"Arrogant jerk."

"Child menace."

"Spiky-haired hothead."

"Demon spawn."

"Okay, okay, enough," Cole sighs, as the two wrestle, Kai burying his knuckles in Lloyd's hair he cackles. "Does anyone have an idea of how to get back to land?"

He's ignored.

"Let him go, loser," Nya says, splashing water up on Kai with her foot. "Lloyd scaring us with shark movies is pretty tame, for him messing with you."

"I wasn't trying to scare you guys!"

"Uh-huh," Jay says, skeptically. "Then why'd you terrorize us with all those shark movies?"

"Maybe I picked all those shark movies because I like sharks," Lloyd folds his arms. "They're one of my favorite animals."

"Why?" Jay says, scandalized. "Why have you chosen aquatic death creatures as your favorite animal?"

"Your favorite animal is a rat, don't judge me!" Lloyd shoots back. "Besides," he inhales, getting the patented Lloyd-Look-of-Righteous-Justice on his face. "Everyone goes around trying to force sharks into this box of vicious murderers, painting them as bloodthirsty monsters with their shark prejudice, when sharks are actually just wildly misunderstood creatures trying to live the best shark lives they can, and-"

"Okay, National Geographic, chill out," Kai says, clapping a hand over Lloyd's mouth even as he grins in amusement. "There will be no shark murders today."

Lloyd shoves Kai's hand off, grumbling. "There better not."

"I didn't know you felt so strongly about sharks," Zane says, bemused.

"It's a metaphor," Jay tells him, in an obvious whisper. "Lloyd is expressing his feelings about past prejudice against his father and himself by channeling it into the defense of fishy teeth monsters."

"I am not," Lloyd scowls. "I just like sharks, that's all."

"I mean, if that's true, then what's that say about you and your passionate defense of rats?" Kai directs at Jay. "Do you too feel the urge to run around making a pest of yourself, squealing loudly at everything-"

Nya yelps as her head hits the raft, having been upset as Jay moves to tackle Kai.

"Guys, stop, you're gonna tip us over!"

"We're never going to make it back to shore," Zane sighs, sadly.

"Captain's log, day fourty-five lost at sea," Jay announces, a glazed look in his eyes as he hangs over the edge of the raft. "Morale is fading. We'll probably have to eat Kai soon to survive."

"Lloyd would definitely be first to get eaten," Kai says through a yawn. Lloyd shoves him.

"We're gonna need water before food," Nya says. "If we're actually trying to survive."

"Both of which we have none of," Cole fumes. "Nothing, we've got nothing in here!"

"The raft barely fits us, what'd you expect?" Kai says.

"I don't know, some kind of help!"

"It's my uncle, he likes to be funny like that," Lloyd says.

"Well its not very funny to me," Cole grumbles, sitting back down with a huff. Kai yelps as the raft is slightly upset in the water.

"Look, Cole, this assignment is ridiculous," Jay yawns. "We'd never end up in a situation like this anyways. Worst comes to worst, Lloyd can just fly us out on his dragon."

"But that would be cheating," Lloyd frowns.

"But we wouldn't be roasting out here?" Jay offers.

"Lloyd is right," Zane says, glaring at Jay. "We need to figure out how to get out of here without breaking the set rules. We're trained ninja - it shouldn't be too hard."

"I'm with Zane," Nya says, finally sitting up. "Okay, first things first - we need to actually figure out where we're going." She pauses, shielding her eyes with a hand as she looks out over the sea around them. "Does anyone have any idea what direction we need to head in?"

"Ask Zane," Kai sys. "He's the one with the built-in GPS."

"I have no such thing," Zane says, looking miffed.

"What do you mean, you don't?" Kai gapes. "You have everything!"

"I'm not a computer!" Zane snaps. "Besides, we were specifically banned from using any excess means to complete the training. That includes hacking into the nearest satellite or navigating system and using it to send a distress signal the nearest ship."

Zane looks disappointed by the time he's reached the end.

"Cheating, Zane," Jay says, trying tempt him. "Join the dark side…"

"Maybe…we can use the stars, or something?" Lloyd says, hesitantly. "I saw it in an episode of Starfarer once, you can follow certain ones home. Or something."

"Yeah, except it's the middle of the day, genius," Jay says.

"At least I'm trying!" Lloyd glares.

"We can use the sun, though," Cole says. "Which is, technically, a star. So good job, Lloyd."

"I got it." Kai frowns, shielding his eyes as he looks up. "Okay, so the sun is there, and it's heading there, so that direction must be east."

Nya looks at him. "No, it's heading in the other way," she points. "That way's west."

"Are you blind? It's clearly setting over there!"

"It's obviously moving that way-"

"No way!"

"Why dont'cha just stare at it for a bit, and see what way it moves."

"Lloyd," Cole chastises. Lloyd makes a face at him.

"Ungrateful, sassy child," Jay mutters. He sits up, taking a look himself. "Nya's right. The sun is setting that way, which means if we head in that direction, we should run into Ninjago. Eventually."

"Great," Lloyd says, squinting over the water. "So the island is that way, which means now we just have to reach it." He glances back at the rest of the team. "Did anyone bring a paddle?"

"While we were being captured and set adrift on this piece of garbage?" Kai mutters. "No."

Lloyd rolls his eyes at him. "How about, does anyone have anything we can use as a paddle?"

"Does Jay's head count?" Cole says, innocently. Jay makes an indignant sound.

"Seriously though," Cole says. "If two of us can plank for a bit, maybe we can-"

"Oh, for FSM's sake."

"Maybe we can all lean over the sides and like, paddle with our hands," Lloyd suggests.

"Or we could tie someone to the raft and they could pull it to shore?" Jay says. "I saw that on TV once, this girl rescued a whole raft of people by swimming them in."

"Okay, but who's pulling?" Cole narrows his eyes. "'Cause it better not be me."

"Unless we had sufficient tether, I don't believe we'd make it very far," Zane says. "This raft isn't built to be dragged by a single person. With our combined weight, we might risk tearing it."

"Ugh." Jay flops back over the side, his arms dragging in the water. "Maybe we should all just swim for it."

"Kai can't swim," Lloyd says. He yelps as Kai whacks him in the head.

"We could drag him along?" Jay says.

"I also do not believe it would be wise to leave our raft behind," Zane says. He looks over the gentle waves. "Did you know that approximately three hundred people drown at sea in Ninjago per year?"

Everyone gapes at him.

"Why would we need to know that?!" Jay yelps.

"That's only the unintentional ones, though," Zane adds, thoughtfully. "The intentional ones are outliers, I suppose."

"Prepare to be an outlier, Zane," Kai growls, attempting to stagger to his feet. He fails, the unstable bottom of the raft sending him stumbling into Nya, who nearly pushes him overboard for it.

Cole, who's been watching them in boredom, suddenly goes still. "Is that a shark?" he says, squinting at the water.

Kai immediately sits back down, drawing into the middle of the raft. "Nope, nope, nope."

Jay follows Cole's gaze, then gives a brief yelp. "It is, oh no, oh no-"

"Calm down, I'm sure it means us no harm," Zane says. "Sharks are not known to normally attack sea vessels, unless provoked."

Cole grabs one of the pliable rods that like the raft, pulling it out of the casing and hoisting it up like a spear. "I'll chase it off, just to be safe."

"No, you're going to hurt it!" Lloyd yelps, grabbing the rod away from Cole.

"It's a plastic rod, how am I going to hurt it with that-"

"Guys, look out-!"

In the sort of slow-motion that comes from the worst of the B-movie hour films, Cole and Lloyd wrestle themselves into the edge of the raft, crashing against the side and sending Lloyd toppling into the water.

Kai isn't even surprised.

"Oh no!" Jay cries, as Lloyd sputters in the water. "Quick! Pull him up before he's eaten!"

"Guys, I'm fine-"

"It's going to tear you limb from limb, just like that girl in the movie-"

"Guys!" Lloyd splashes water up on them, glaring at Jay. "I'm fine!" He swirls his hands around in the water for emphasis. Meanwhile, the shark swims beneath him, utterly uninterested. Lloyd gives Jay a superior sniff from where he's treading water.

"See?" he says. "They're harmless little fi-"

The shark turns in the water, moving steadily upwards toward Lloyd.

"-ishhhh pull me up! Pull me up!"

Kai grabs Lloyd's right arm and hauls him up as Cole does the same with his left, catapulting him back into the raft just as the shark reaches him.

"Harmless little fish, huh?" Jay smirks.

Lloyd crosses his arms. "Well, I'm not going to tempt fate. Destiny already has it out for me."

"Aren't they the same thing?"

"Don't ask me.

"Guys, don't look now, but it's circling back around," Nya says, squinting at the unmistakable shape of a shark fin knifing its way above the water toward them.

Kai turns the color of Zane's gi.

"Oh, FSM," Jay mutters. "This is just like that one movie, y'know, where it jumps up and eats their heads-"

"Look, if we just remain calm, it should leave us alone," Zane says, trying in vain to calm them down.

"I'm not taking that chance," Cole mutters. He pulls a knife out from his pant leg.

"Have you had that this whole time?" Nya stares.

"Yes! Cole! Stab it!" Jay yelps, tugging at Cole's gi from where he's clinging to Nya. "Stab the shark!"

"No!" Lloyd cries, tackling Cole by the legs. "Let it live!"

Cole wobbles precariously. "Guys, stop, I'm gonna-"

Cole trips sideways, falling hands-first against the raft. There's a sharp pop, followed by the hiss of escaping air.

The chaos is immediate.

"Cole!"

"You stabbed the raft, why did you stab the raft-"

"I didn't mean to!"

"Quick, it's deflating! Stop it!"

"How?!"

"Duct tape! Put duct tape on it!"

"Nobody has duct tape, genius-"

"The shark is back! It sensed our weakness!"

"No, no, we're sinking, no-"

"Kai, get off of me!"

"Sacrifice yourself for your older brother Lloyd, it's your duty."

"No!"

"You owe me for the fire temple!"

"Just put the life jacket on, dummy!"

"It clashes with my hair!"

"Are you kidding me-"

"Water! We're taking on water!"

"Bail it out, we might be able to save the-"

"Shark! Shark!"

"Oh no, no, we're all gonna die-"

"This is the worst idea Sensei Wu has ever had."

The ocean is quiet in the late afternoon sun, the waves calm as they lap gently against the ninja's sodden clothes and skin. None of them say anything, each floating in their various positions where they've tethered themselves together. Or, in Kai's case, where they cling to Nya, balancing carefully on two life jackets.

"Well," Jay says, breaking the silence. "We suck at this."

Cole groans. Zane trades looks with Kai, then they both turn to Lloyd.

Lloyd glances at them, and sighs.

"Yeah, okay, let's cheat."

The sun is just dipping below the horizon by the time Garmadon hears the trudging footsteps of his brother's students. He casts a glance heavenwards. It certainly took them long enough.

He feels a sharp flicker of relief when he catches sight of Lloyd's windswept blond hair. He immediately winces as he catches sight of his son's face. Right, he was supposed to give them sunscreen, wasn't he. Misako will have his head.

Garmadon is debating the merits of smothering Lloyd's face in Wu's healing tea before Misako can catch sight of it as the troop finally reaches the top of the monastery, dragging their feet up the stairs.

They're a sorry sight, if anything. If Garmadon had to name it, they rather resemble a collection of drowned rats who were mercilessly tossed into a laundry machine, their hair stuck up at awkward angles and stiff from salt. Sweat has collected on their brows, and Lloyd and Jay in particular are sporting truly blinding sunburns.

"I take it you survived the training?" Garmadon says, carefully.

There's a chorus of tired mumbling, a few groans of exhaustion.

"And? How was it?" he tries.

Kai gives a tired half shrug. Lloyd tries, but the sentence is so hopelessly mangled by a yawn that Garmadon really has no idea what his son's just said to him. Nya gives him a grudging thumbs up.

"It was okay," Cole mutters.

"Lloyd flew us out on his dragon," Zane says flatly, his voice booking no argument. He brushes crusted saltwater from his elbow, looking altogether done with the universe.

"Lloyd also almost got eaten by a shark," Jay yawns.

Garmadon sighs. He expected as mu-

"What?" he blinks, finally registering the last sentence.

"I did not," Lloyd moans. "It was a harmless creature of nature, dad."

"I - alright."

"Don't kill it, dad."

"I…wasn't going to?"

"Don't murder the innocent shark population, dad."

"…you need to rehydrate," Garmadon says, firmly guiding his son toward the monastery. "The rest of you, as well," he says, with a pointed look at them.

The most he gets is a few tired murmurs of agreement, and Kai mumbling something about stuffing himself in the refrigerator. Garmadon suppresses a snort of amusement as he drags Lloyd over to a kitchen stool, silently praying Misako doesn't come back any time soon.

"Sorry I cheated," Lloyd says hazily, as Garmadon presses a glass of water on him.

"It's alright," he says, failing to stop the snort this time as Lloyd misses his mouth, staring in confusion as the water splashes down on the counter. Lloyd shakes his head, redirecting the glass and draining it.

Lloyd leans his head against Garmadon's side, yawning. "Y'know, if I could be anything else, I think I'd be a shark," he says.

"Oh, would you?" Garmadon says, trying not to laugh.

"Sharks don't hav'ta fight the Overlord," Lloyd mumbles. Garmadon looks down, wincing.

"But then Kai couldn't be my brother, 'cause he can't swim," Lloyd continues. "So I guess I'm good."

"You are good," Garmadon says, quietly.

"Don't turn it into another morality lesson, dad," Lloyd yawns. "I think I'm lessoned out for the day."

Garmadon rolls his eyes heavenwards. "One day, you'll appreciate it," he says. "You know, someday, you'll be giving these lessons yourse-"

A snore from his side cuts him off. Garmadon glances down where Lloyd has passed out, half slumped on his side, half pressed against the kitchen counter.

Garmadon sighs, but he wraps an arm around his son, fondly.

Maybe he ought to go slightly easier on them next time. They did manage to pull off quite a victory with the Overlord, even if they apparently can't survive a simple day at sea. Garmadon shakes his head.

…now, how to best excuse this to Misako…