#does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me

[anaalnathrakhs]

love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

[lakesbian]

Do you think Taylor and Alec's relationship would meaningfully change if she was able to recognize the similarities between them instead of doing her best to rationalize how different they are?

the more notable thing about this scenario is that it would mean she would accidentally experience self-awareness and probably subsequently have some form of brief mental crisis over her behavior + well of unaddressed emotional issues before going "oh well i have other things to deal with can't stop now haha" and tamping the self-awareness and well of unaddressed emotional issues back down to resume bug-eyeing people. but outside of that i think she would start experiencing some sense of, like, self-loathing solidarity with alec over both being people who do really fucked up things due to problems & issues.

meanwhile alec is fine with doing terrible things if necessary but generally considers his other teammates to be more moral than him + is generally trying to be better not worse. so his initial perception of taylor is "dork whos a better person than me and also smart and works hard (meaning i can listen to her/let her do all the work as leader while i chillax)" and then he watches her skid downhill at 1000mph seemingly actively TRYING to be worse and he's like. Uh. Are you sure. Aren't you supposed to tell me mutilation and torture is bad. while totally oblivious to the fact that she feels any solidarity with him. and she's oblivious to the fact that he's oblivious.

like i think she would go on a one-sided conversational rant with him about how they've both been driven to do terrible things but that's just how the cookie crumbles so it's time to take bakuda's life advice and cut this dude's eyes out. while he's following absolutely none of it but still nodding and going "uh huh i guess we can cut his eyes out if you're sure" because he doesn't care enough to inform her that he has lost the fucking plot.

also you know how lisa is trying to manipulate-fix taylor and taylor is trying to manipulate-fix rachel. i think taylor might try to do what she does to rachel to him as well a little bit and it would not work. at all. like she does Get On Rachel's Level, and it works, but it's distinctly in a way where she knows far more about rachel than rachel knows about her, and she's using that information to speak in her language while still treating the whole thing like kind of a puzzle? she has to put effort into being on rachel's level. that wouldn't work for alec, you have to manage a level of really genuine flippancy 2 connect w/ him, and that's why aisha is the only undersider he actually rlly bonds with. you have to already Be on his level. so taylor would try to actively calculate her approach to socializing with him and it would just soar over his head + vaguely annoy him.

conclusion: she wouldn't be all "HEEEY ALEC [leans on counter] JUST WONDERING WERE YOU PLANNING ON TURNING INTO YOUR RAPIST DAD YOU FUCKING HATE?" like she does in canon (easily one of the top ever taylor socially oblivious moments) but they would still not b friends. he would carry on feeling vaguely positively about her from a distance and she would carry on not getting him but, like, in a nicer and less judgmental way than canon. i don't actually think there's any plausible scenario in which they're friends. closer teammates than in canon, sure, but not friends.

[p1nkp0nkk]

💥, ☕️, 🙉, 🌌, 🏊, ✂️, 🚆, 🌪️ for. ask game. any oc I am. curious. I tried to only pick one interesting one from each section to limit myself but. oh my god there were so many sections. you don't need to answer all of those if you don't want to there's literally eight.

ill be. switching between ocs then to. try and provide the most interesting answers. may or.may not use different ocs for same question aswell

💥what emotions do they have trouble dealing with

dexter. cannot recognize being happy so instead it feels like adrenaline and it kinda stresses him out because for him adrenaline usually means that bones in danger. so it. scares bug really bad. (this is a self projection however i have since gotten over this)

☕cold or hot beverages, favourite drink?

i think. pink enjoys both actually but likes cold more. pink makes. a lot of coffee and tea but despite that i think she probably just like water or juice(cranberry in particular probably. just juice in general though)

dexter. likes black coffee. antrigus likes anything fruity and trigerz likes oil

🙉what is the worst thing your oc could hear from someone

im. actually not sure. pink has a really bad fear of making people anxious and stressing them out. shes overall a really anxious person so if she feels like she's done something wrong it'll. kill her internally forever. dexter has a. really bad fear of people being inlove with him. also his parents being mentioned. trixie hates being compared to people. i think ill go with pinks answer though.

🌌what was the inspiration behind your oc? what was the first thing you decided about them?

i. honestly don't know. tbh most of my ocs come from intense daydreaming or dreams actually(antrigus is a. notable example) there's not really inspiration behind. any of them. i guess the first thing i decided about antrigus was. his backstory. when i made him he basically immediately had lore with trigerz

🏊can they swim? are they afraid of water? how well do they swim and how do they feel about swimming in the ocean

antrigus cannot swim and is. not aware of it. he can't swim because. hes a robot. hes not afraid of water, he wouldn't swim well and. he probably is barely aware the ocean exists since its not something he's been told about often

dexter cant swim, he's mildly afraid of water, he. actually swims not awfully because of his fear instincts. if you threw him in water he would panic and would figure it out for the moment and then forget. he does not like the ocean

pink can swim, shes not afraid of water but she doesn't like it, she swims. okayly. but she doesn't like doing it. she probably does not enjoy the ocean much

i cant swim. i am afraid of water. i swim awfully. i hate the ocean(im. counting myself becquse ryan is me and im ryan)

✂️what is the last straw for them to cut someone out of their life. how easily do they let go of people

pink doesn't tend to cut people off. she doesn't let go of people easily whatsoever(she will. cry for like 6 months atleast.) shes a massive doormat. you could use the shit out of her and its. pretty rare she'll do anything about it. i guess there's not exactly a final straw, just at some point she gets tired of it and explodes at you and then feels guilty and cuts you off and thats it

antrigus. cuts people off over everything. if you're not extremely similar to him he'll probably find you annoying and put you on his dnfi list. he doesn't care about basically anyone so he lets people go very easily

🚆 what is their answer to the trolley problem?

trick question. pink kills herself instea

pink. stresses really hard and probably accidentally hits the 5 people. however if shes thinking rationally she'll only kill one of them. she might really fuck up and kills all of them on accident instead(/j. mostly.)

dexter. hits the 5 people because he hates everyone. he probably actually finds a way to hit all of them. however if ill stop being an edgelord for a second; he might hit the five people instead because atleast they won't be alone when they die. i feel like that could also go for pink actually.

🌪️ whats the biggest change you've ever made to them? how have they changed from their original version?

pink has. changed a ton. however im gonna use trigerz for this example. originally, trigerz was basically just antrigus. he was annoying he was loud he was a total asshole and he was full of himself. however, at some point i. changed him because i had antrigus for that now and i thought lore wise this would be better. trigerz is more self reserved, hes definitely still full of himself but a lot less and he knows he has his flaws now. hes loud once you get to know him and he's passive aggressive only if you're mean to him. i think the biggest chance ive ever made was. his personality. yeah.

incase you're wondering; pink has changed because. i made her her own character. originally she was literally just me

i. wanted to use seraphim and asmodeus for these atleast once but i couldn't fit them in anywhere so. feel free to ask again and ill see if i can do that(i also wanted to fit blink in somewhere)(did not work)(i think it just doesn't work because none of these are as developed as my main ocs lol)

[autisticandroids]

before we begin this post is about lisa so let's get that out of the way. anyway one thing about me is that i tend to read the really bad things dean does to those around him as not just an expression of his control issues and his objectification of the people around him, but also like. unconscious expressions of deep-seated resentment.

like this is reasonably canonical with sam - dean does resent sam, that's explicit. he's spent his whole life having to take care of sam, and has no identity outside of this. and this isn't sam's fault - in childhood, it was john's fault, and then once john was gone, dean kept them both locked in that pattern because it was all he knew and he didn't know how to get out, or who he would be if he did. and he resents sam for all sorts of reasons in adulthood, too. like he resents sam for getting out of their family, and for leaving him, and for wanting to leave him and be free, for not loving him enough, for making decisions that dean later had to clean up the consequences of, etc. etc. etc. whether all of this is true or not, it's what dean believes, and what dean resents sam for.

i think it's reasonable to say he resents cas, for similar but very different reasons, as well as some other reasons. like he resents cas because he feels responsible for cas (because he sees cas as a child) and cas is constantly fucking up. he resents cas because he gets angry with cas but still cares about him, so he resents the fact that he still has to maintain a relationship with someone that he's angry at (because he loves them). he resents the fact that cas forgives him for things, which makes him feel like a tool when he's mean. i think you could even argue that he resents the fact that he desires cas, because he doesn't want to, even though i think that's less evident from the text.

he resents mary because (again this is more explicit) having her around as a real person destroys the perfect motherfantasy that he was raised on, and also because he feels like her presence should restore the comfort and safety of his childhood, but it doesn't. like he wants to yield the title of head of the family to her so that he doesn't have to run things anymore, but he also literally wants to go back to being a four year old child who never lost his mom and was never abused by his dad and etc. etc. etc., and she both refuses to give him the first and is incapable of giving him the second.

he resents lisa (and lisa-and-ben) because he feels trapped and unhappy in his relationship with her, both because he promised sam to get with her and because he feels like his relationship with her is something he should want, even though he doesn't.

(i don't think jack fits into this model because i wouldn't call dean's feelings towards him "love poisoned by resentment" in the way that's true of the others. they're more suspicion and dislike and even hatred eventually tempered by affection.)

and like. none of this is rational. and if dean spelled it out to himself he would recognize that it isn't rational. but it's like entirely unconscious. this is the logic his emotionbrain is working off, not his reasonbrain.

and i think that whenever he does something terrible to one of these people like, for their own good/to keep them on the straight and narrow, it is mostly because he doesn't really see them as full adults/humans (mary is kind of exempt from this because he sort of sees her as an equal. i don't know if he ever does anything particularly bad to her for these reasons), and because he needs to control everything, and because he doesn't really perceive his family members as separate from himself, and because he believes in preserving family over everything, and because he doesn't want to be alone, and all of that. but he also does it as a covert expression of his resentment. he is hurting them on purpose, because they've hurt him. he doesn't know he's hurting them on purpose, he doesn't think that's what he's doing, but in some back corner of his mind it is.

anyway this is why i could never get into deanlisa.

[catzula]

Kiss me so you won’t forget

》 35 An awkward kiss given after a first date. / Kuroo Tetsurou

Synopsis: 6 year old you sealed your promise with Kuroo with a kiss (on the cheek, but its still a kiss... right?) A promise that you would remember and wait each other until Kuroo could buy you a ring. You still remember, but does he?

Even though you weren't exactly best friends, you knew who Kuroo Tetsurou was, and really, who didn't? He was the captain of the volleyball team, one of the most handsome guy around, so smart and so cool, and also your first kiss.

Okay, okay, maybe not your first kiss- it was a small peck on the cheek, but you still counted it. You remembered the day it happened, you and he were playing in the playground, and even though you had just met that day, you felt like you knew each other forever.

He had told you he was going to marry you at the end of the day, and you still remembered the proud smirk on his lips as he promised you, his warm -and dirty- hand holding yours, those odd, golden eyes sparkling. "Just wait," he had told you, "wait till I can buy a ring." You nodded, trying to hide your joy from him.

"Promise me you won't forget me, 'kay?" He told you with a serious face.

"Okay." You had muttered, fidgeting your hands.

"And if I see any other boy here playing with you, I- I-" when he couldn't think of any threats, he held your other hand too, now holding both your hands, looking deep into your eyes. "I'll be really sad."

At that, you had smiled sweetly, without thinking much about it, you leaned in, and your lips touched his chubby cheeks. "I won't forget," you giggled, a kiss worth a promise. "But you have to promise you won't forget either."

And here you were, still remembering the day as clear as day, knowing it was a childish game, but still waiting. You had never forgotten about him, even though you hadn't seen him ever again, not until the first day of college, anyway.

A freshman, standing in the middle of the almost empty room, looking around like a fish out of water. You had no idea where your class was, and it didn't help to know your first ever lesson was Chemistry, your arch-nemesis. You thought of asking help from the people around you, but they all looked too mean for you, like they all were watching and snickering at you. Well, it was an exaggeration, they didn't really care about your presence there, and although some were laughing at the fish-out-of-water expression you had on your face, it was because you reminded them of their first day. 

Still, even though the paranoia you felt wasn't rational, it was there. So asking just anyone was out of the question. Chewing on your inner lip, you walked out to the hallway, hoping you could at least find a teacher so you could ask where the fuck the chemistry lab was. But instead of going to the d-block as you should've, you found yourself out in the garden. 

"Oh my god," you muttered to yourself, rubbing your temples as you looked around, this time even gathering to courage to go and as someone. That was when you saw a head of dyed blond hair bending over the game console in his hands, looking very uncomfortable as he sat on the very edge of the bench.

You didn't want to, but you found yourself walking towards the blond, his eyes never once leaving the screen, his fingers moving smoothly over the buttons.

"E- excuse me?" You muttered when you stood there a few seconds, and he didn't notice you. He visibly flinched at your voice, averting his eyes to you. "I'm, uh, I'm a freshman." You told him as if that explained everything. When he didn't answer, you cleared your throat. "I'm looking for the chemistry lab? I'm very late, and-"

"Kenma." You heard someone call from right behind you, the voice sending chills down your arms for an unexplainable reason. You turned around on your heels to see just who it was. He stood a few steps away from you, brows slightly furrowed as his golden eyes studied your face. Golden eyes that were too familiar. It didn't take you long to recognize who it was, the unruly, raven hair of his being the biggest hint. 

(You were a bit surprised he kept the hair though, because really, what even is that?)

Your lips parted, letting out a small gasp as you recognized, connecting the memory from so long ago with the tall boy that stood before you. The way his eyes examined your face, he probably thought he had seen you before, and you waited for him to remember, heart pounding in your chest because finally-

"I've been looking for you all around." He spoke softly, voice laced with concern, and your eyes widened, gaping at him because his words could only mean that he remembered, he really remembered. 

It took you a few seconds to realize he hadn't. His eyes weren't on you anymore, but on the small boy that slouched over his game. Kenma, ever the perceptive boy, noticed the slight slump of your shoulders, the disappointment that flashed in your eyes.

"I was here." Kenma shrugged, his eyes once again finding his game console. "Could you help her, though? She's lost, apparently, and I'm about to face the boss." 

"Oh, sure." He shrugged, a grin suddenly appearing on his lips, eyes slightly narrowing in a flirtatious manner. "Freshman, huh?" 

"That obvious?" You muttered, forcing a nervous laugh, and he chuckled. "Yeah." 

~~~

The walk felt like an hour. You quickly noticed Kuroo was pretty popular by the looks and whispers that followed you both, and frankly, this was not the first impression you wished to give. 

You anxiously fidgeted your hands, your gaze on your steps as he talked about... something.(what was he talking about again? You had forgotten to listen.)

"And, this is the chemistry lab." He told you, stopping suddenly and causing you to fall off balance. "Woah, careful." He grinned, holding you by the wrist before you fell flat on your face.

"Thanks." You told him with a giggle, biting your lip when you looked at the time. "The class is literally over in 10 minutes." You sighed. "I'll just skip it."

"Wow, rebellious, are we? And skipping chemistry? You must be out of your mind." He teased, chuckling. You shrugged, smiling back. "I don't really like chemistry anyway."

"I'll pretend I didn't hear that." He frowned, "come on, there are benches right around the corner so we can sit."

"Oh, it's okay, and you probably have classes anyway. Thank you so much for helping me, though." You told him with a smile, feeling bad for parting since he was fun to be around, but you didn't want him to feel like a babysitter. 

"My next class is also in this block, don't worry about it. What's your next class? We don't want you to get lost again, you know?" He grinned, making heat rush to your face. "It's math... I think." You answered as you followed him to the bench. 

"Here you go." He told you when he came back from the automat, a can of coffee in his hand. "The coffee tastes like shit, but it still does the job." He kept talking as he opened the can, making a face as he downed the coffee. 

"Oh, shit." You coughed after you took a sip, making him laugh, the rich voice making you shiver. "I told you." 

You sat there until the next lesson, the conversation never-ending, full of laughs, and it felt like that first day you had met. It felt like you knew each other all your lives, like you hadn't only met that day. Still, you neatly avoided ever talking about how you had met before -or that he had proposed to you-. It did kind of sting that he didn't remember when you hadn't forgotten all these years, but it was okay. You were kids, after all.

"You know, this was nice." He told you when you stood up to go back to your class, running one hand through his hair, he looked... nervous?

"It was, thank you for your help." You told him. "And the very bad coffee, too." You added, once again making him laugh. "It's a pleasure." 

He bit on his lip, his eyes locked to yours as if he wanted to say something but couldn't. Or maybe it was... Did he finally remember?

"Would you like me to walk you to the class? Do you remember the directions?" 

"It's okay, I remember." You chuckled, missing the letdown look in his eyes. "Oh, okay." He muttered. 

Oh. 

You turned around to walk to class, stopping mid-track when you heard him call your name. "Yes, Kuroo-kun?" You asked sweetly when he didn't say anything for a few seconds. 

"I was thinking..." He muttered. "I can... you know, give you my number." He scratched the back of his neck anxiously. "So I can help if you ever get lost." He added when you didn't answer (you were still trying to process that he offered you his number?!)

"Oh, that would be amazing!" You told him a bit too excitedly. "Th- that's really sweet, thank you." You tried to suppress your grin as he entered his number into your phone. 

"You can always text me." He told you with a fake chough that was meant to hide his embarrassment. "Not only when- I mean if you get lost, but also if you ever need any help. Or just anything, really." He chuckled when he noticed your flushed stare. 

"You should probably go now," he told you. "You class is about to start." 

"Oh, shit!" You muttered, starting to run as you realized he was right. 

~~~

"Oh, hey Kenma!" You greeted your friend when he walked towards you. You were glad he had relaxed around you, feeling safe when it was just you two. 

"Hey, Y/N." He greeted back quietly. "Waiting for Kuroo?"

You nodded with a shy smile, averting your eyes from his golden ones to your hands. "He should be here any minute now."

"I doubt it." Kenma shrugged. "He was trying to shape his hair last time I saw him. He has been working on it ever since." He snickered villainously. "And that was 3 hours ago." 

You couldn't help but laugh at that, the image of Kuroo's frustrated face as he tried to rule his hair somewhat, making your shoulders shake with laughter. 

"What are you laughing at?" You heard someone talk from right behind you and making you jump in your place. "N-nothing!" You answered instantly when you recognized him. 

"I thought you were going to fix your hair." Kenma muttered, his words causing Kuroo's face to twist with shock, anger, and disappointment. 

"I did fix my hair!"

~~~

A date with Kuroo Tetsurou. 

You always imagined it would be amazing, but not this good. It was unfair how funny he was, how smart and good-looking. It was always enjoyable to be around him, but having his full attention on you, like this, romantically, was something else. 

It hadn't taken long after that second first time you had met for him to ask you out. You were hanging out almost every day anyway, he usually accompanied you to your classes, sometimes even waiting for you. 

So here you were. Kuroo had decided to go on a picnic for your first date, brought cookies and sandwiches and this time decent coffee, even fruits, and at least 20 bananas? You didn't ask him about the bananas, though.

You had been sitting there, on the top of the hill, for hours now. The sun had already set, stars showing up in the sky, but neither of you wanted to part. 

Kuroo was leaning on a tree, his arm slumped on your shoulder, pulling you towards his chest. It didn't feel awkward or odd to be in this position with him, but you weren't sure why (or how). You skid closer to him, dropping your head on his shoulder, aware of the grin on his lips when you didn't push him back. 

You sat like that for god knows how long, only deciding to go back when he noticed you were about to fall asleep between his arms. The ride back to your house was silent, the comforting kind that made you both smile. It was dark, the lights coming from the traffic every once in a while illuminating your pretty face, causing him to think this was yet another dream. He had no idea how he managed to make you fall for him, too, but Kuroo was grateful he did.

He tapped your shoulder slightly when you arrived, waking you up from your daze. "Y/N." He muttered, smiling. "We're here."

"Oh, I'm sorry, I think I fell asleep." You answered with a cheeky smile. "So I thought." He chuckled. "So, uh, thank you for today." He told you, rubbing the back of his neck and causing you to scream internally at how adorable he was. 

"It was really nice." He kept on awkwardly when you stood silent and fiddled your fingers with your now unfastened seatbelt.

"I had so much fun, too." You answered, biting your lips as you thought of what to say next, but he acted before you.

"By the way, Y/N, you know this was a date, right?" He suddenly asked, the question leaving you dumbfounded. When you didn't answer him for a few seconds, he felt his eyes widening. "Y/N- are you seriosuly-"

"Kuroo, what the hell?" You asked, unable to control your laughter anymore. "Of course I knew this was a date!"

"Ah, damn, my heart almost stopped." He clutched his chest, only making your laughter louder. "Why would you even ask that?"

"Oh, I just... wanted to confirm it so I could tell you something." He muttered, not proceeding whatsoever. "And that is?.." You persuaded him, making him chuckle and lean forward to bring his face closer to yours. "I wanted to tell you that- that I like you. A lot." He finally admitted.

"I like you, too." You whispered, suddenly aware of how close his lips were.

"And I really, really want to kiss you." 

"I'm not- I'm not stopping you." You confessed, making him chuckle just before his lips touched your lips. It was a small peck, his soft lips pressing yours slightly, his touch on your lips lingering a few seconds before he pulled back. 

"I think-" He whispered, slightly breathless because of the excitement and the way his heart pounded in his heart. "I've fallen for you hard." He chuckled. "I'm not- Umm, I'm sorry our first kiss wasn't in somewhere more romantic, though." Kuroo told you, and you could see the slight disappointment in his eyes. 

You bit your lip (the feeling of his lips still lingered on yours), chuckling anxiously. "You know, this wasn't exactly our first kiss." You shrugged.

"What?"

"I, umm, I did kiss you on the cheek before. To seal... a promise."

His brows furrowed, trying to understand what you were talking about, confusion evident in his eyes. "No, you didn't." 

"Kuroo," you told him with a mysterious smile. "I did." 

You opened the car door, knowing by the slight widening of his eyes, he was an eyelash away from remembering. "Well, good night." You smiled, enjoying the look of shock in his eyes. 

You shut the door just as he shouted your name, "Y/N, wait, I remember!"

~~~

Even though you weren't mad at him for forgetting, Kuroo still made up for it with thousands and thousands of more kisses.

[samtheflamingomain]

25.21%

I've been sober for 3 months today. 92 days. 25.21% of 2021.

I could've posted more updates, more milestones (it took a LOT not to post on Day 69) but I wanted to kind of save it up for a Big Day. It was also a decent way to continue to incentivize my continued sobriety: a full pass to do a shameless, hardcore bragging sesh.

Anyway, this post comes in 2 parts: the TL;DR for those who only want the gist, then more in depth on my ability to stay sober, the lasting effects of rehab, etc.

I tried my damnedest to pare this absolute novel down, but it's long, so feel free to dip out if you just get bored. Onward!

TL;DR: I went to rehab the beginning of July for 3 weeks and haven't had a drop of alcohol since. I've lost weight, I'm more healthy, my daily anxiety level went from 8 to 2, I haven't had an anxiety attack in 3 months, and everything generally just seems... easier. My memory and concentration have improved. I've been productive and I've been meditating every day. I'm saving money, and while I sometimes fantasize about getting drunk, that's usually all it is.

Honestly, it's been much easier than I expected, but I think a lot of that is because for the first 3 weeks, the time in which I would usually break down and start drinking again when trying to get sober myself, was spent behind a locked door. So far I haven't had any days where I was close to giving in. I haven't had many days where I've been depressed about it, missing it or really tempted. Maybe 3-4. I've basically just gotten on with my life as if alcohol doesn't exist.

To wrap up the short version for those ready to peace out, I'll leave it with a bit of advice.

I don't feel qualified to give any specific advice, because my story feels very unique to me, and I honestly don't think what worked for me will work for MOST people. Sometimes people spend a year in rehab and still drive straight to the liquor store on their way home.

That said, there's one thing that I've found pretty universally true: you have to really want it. For a while, I floated about without much of a "reason" to stay sober. I don't have a spouse, kids or a job I've been fired from, so I didn't see the point.

It's taken me a while, but after not being "convinced" by a few superficial "reasons" like weight loss and saving money, I thought I needed something more... permanent? Consequential? I now realize that my "reason" for getting sober at a young age after only a few years of alcoholism is that I don't want it to get to a point where I'm hurting other people, drinking myself into multiple lasting health problems... I don't want it to become permanent or consequential.

Anyway, that's my two cents. If you do have something like kids or trouble keeping a job, definitely use that as your reason. But for anyone who's a pretty "functional" alcoholic like I was, "not letting it go on long enough to become disfunctional" is a good enough reason.

This is going to get stupid long, so feel free to walk away now, just glad you read this much and it really does mean the world when people listen to what I have to say.

Now some more things in depth. I'll go in chronological order: what made me get sober, what I took from rehab (and what I left), and how it's been the past few months.

I started drinking when I got kicked out, manic out of my mind and homeless unable to sleep. It took a while until I was able to sleep without alcohol, but by then the addict brain had taken over. I'd tried a few times to get sober myself, but I never made it more than a week without, and always got back to daily drinking after a few months maximum.

Some people need a "wake up call", a "last straw" or a "rock bottom". Something external to make them realize they can't go on as they are. For me, the catalyst was my health, which is more of an internal reason I suppose. I didn't have a heart attack or liver failure, but my anxiety was getting uncontrollable and I knew it was directly tied to my drinking.

My life had been starting to feel tolerable, and I was more financially secure than ever before. Things were looking up... except for the alcoholism. This is a weird analogy but the only one that makes sense to express why, if I was doing so well on paper, I decided to go to rehab: you have to sweep before you mop. If I hadn't been in the place I was, I don't think I would've been successful at rehab. I had to sweep up the cat turds from the floor of my life before I was able to mop up the shit stains with sobriety. I know, I'm a true wordsmith.

When I finally called the hotline that hooked me up with a bunch of different rehabs, I knew I was in for a wait. It was about 5 months from that call to checking in, which isn't too bad considering I've been on the waitlist for a neuropsychiatrist in ALL OF CANADA for 4 years.

That brings us to July 12th, Rehab Day One. I've gone in depth in multiple other posts but to touch on it briefly, if I had to describe my experience in a sentence I'd say "the place I went to got very lucky with me".

What this means is that, of the 5 people in my group, I think this exact program was only ever going to help me. At the same time, I didn't even know what I would need, but this exact program was 90% of it. I didn't think 3 weeks would be long enough, but for me it was. The hours-long, repetitive, basic-ass CBT groups held 5 times a day 7 days a week was absolute torture for everyone but myself. While it was a drag to spend an hour on defining what a cognitive distortion is, the routine and repetition, something I've never gotten out of any outpatient program, helped me to really absorb the information and let it rewire my brain.

I've always said that I'm someone who should be spending an hour a day with a therapist for the rest of my life, and while that's not even remotely feasible, this was as close as it's ever gotten, and it proved me right, because it worked. I've done biweekly therapy for a short time but even that didn't come close to the way my brain changed in those 3 short weeks.

This program required absolute commitment and open-mindedness. This isn't because it was hard work or difficult concepts, but quite the opposite. While I hate the entire concept of art therapy being used as a cure-all for mental illness, I willingly got out of my bed, went downstairs and tried doing a dot mandala for an hour because I'm willing to try anything to get better. A lot of people might think they are, but really aren't. To use the mandala as an example, one guy was really into it, I wasn't, but we both finished. The other 3 tried, messed up a few times, and then scrolled through their phones. When I say this program necessitates complete engagement, that's not a compliment. It shouldn't be a chore to engage with the program. It shouldn't take me actively saying "I know I've known this basic concept since 4th grade, but maybe hearing it again will help" to get something out of a rehab program. So again, in every way, I got lucky, and so did they.

Before I finish with the rehab section, having had a few months to reflect on the whole thing, I now have an endless list of things wrong with it. I arrived, greeted by the most jaded and disillusioned of staff, and quickly became disturbed and at points concerned with just how negligent the staff are.

Maybe it's because I've been on the psych ward where they won't even let you have shoelaces and shine a flashlight on your face every half hour through the night, but it could've been so incredibly easy to sneak in alcohol. I brought 2 full water bottles, fully expecting to have to dump them out upon arrival, but they said "nah it's fine". Is it though?

Then there were actual counsellors there who were... okay. I recall one, the one I thought was the smartest, reading a handout aloud and coming across the word "delve" as in "let's delve into..." and stumbled, then said she doesn't know that word. The room was silent. As she pulled up Google on the screen I said, "it means to dive into it". She Googled it anyway. Synonyms include "dive in". If that was the only example I wouldn't mention it, but this was the first of at least 10 words she had do Google, none past a 10th grade level, from HER OWN MATERIAL. From that point on it became clear that they had no fucking idea what they were doing.

We had one last one-on-one counselling session before we left and the counsellor just filled in boxes to questions on her computer, rephrasing everything I said to fit into the buzzwords and "lessons" we'd "learned". Example. Me: I do think I'm better able to catch myself thinking 'oh I can just have one drink' and say 'no I can't'." Her: "Okay, so would you say that you can recognize negative cognitive distortions like permission-giving thoughts and counter them with a more rational and less emotional mind?" Like girl, blink twice if your boss is holding your family hostage. She gave me some papers, detailing all the online courses they were signing me up for and options for more treatment they'd be sending me, a phone number to call and a phone appointment for the next Monday. I never got that call, the phone number is a hotline, I never got a single email from them, and given how shitty they really are at their jobs, I didn't feel the inclination to try and get those resources. If they even exist in the first place.

In summation, it was a place where it was physically impossible to get alcohol. That's really all I can say in its favor. Oh, and they let you have your cell phone.

Now on our timeline I'm back home. I want to kind of analyze why it's been easy for me.

I often said that my main goal of going to rehab was to lock me away from alcohol long enough for it to reset my brain. Most people thought that was naïve, but that's exactly what happened. But I'm well aware that my experience of "instantly became sober and literally hasn't had a single hard day in 3 months" is absurdly unusual.

I put this down to a few things. Firstly, I'm on seven different meds for my mental health. Almost all of them have their effects dulled or even eliminated when you drink. So when I noticed my mood, fatigue, memory, concentration etc all getting better at once - right about as I left rehab, I don't think it would be a stretch to say that all those meds started working properly.

Secondly, I've been keeping myself busy, but that's something I've always been good at. Now I specifically choose to undertake projects that will eat up a lot my time and put me in a state of flow. I recently made an entire card game from scratch, and let me tell you, I didn't think of alcohol for a week.

Thirdly, my other goals now get in the way of alcohol. I'm getting old and my body is deteriorating. But I've always wanted to do just one last season of gymnastics. Well, I need to lose weight for that to happen. I've already lost 35 pounds, and after another 20 I'll be ready to go. Also, I used to spend more on alcohol per month than rent. Even though I've done a few shopping sprees lately, I haven't come remotely close to how much I was spending before.

I want it more than anything. I want to be sober more than I want one night of "fun" that will more likely than not lead me back to where I was a year ago. I never want to need anything as much as I needed alcohol.

Lastly, just a few more random thoughts.

A lot of people, myself included, worried about the fact that I work at a bar as a cook, but honestly the entire time I'm there I'm thinking about food, not alcohol. If I'm hanging out with some regulars before/after, I can watch them drink and be perfectly fine with my coffee, because the coffee is $2, and I used to spend $20 after every work shift.

I also decided in rehab to start taking better care of myself as best I could. This started with getting my second vax which I'd been putting off, then an eye appointment, then new glasses, then a dentist appointment where I was informed I need to do $3000 worth of work on my implant that's erroding my bone matter, so that sucks, but I caught it early. I've also been meditating every day. In just 3 months, I've made pretty big improvements to my self-care and my daily routine.

One of my fears about sobriety was "missing out" on "having fun". A few days ago, all my housemates got together to play Mario Party, and it was kind of my first night doing something social while sober. It was a breath of fresh air - I wasn't constantly running to piss, I didn't worry about running out of alcohol, I didn't get sloppy and obnoxious as I can sometimes do. I even came very very close to winning my first game of MP. When I reflected on the night, I realized that, if I'd been getting drunk the whole time, I would've sucked at the minigames, been a hindrance to anyone unfortunate enough to be teamed with me, and likely would've stopped caring about the game itself after the first few turns.

Yesterday I was making my 4th pot of coffee of the day when I realized there was a full glass of wine just sitting on the counter. I had absolutely no idea where the hell it came from - nobody in my house drinks wine. I shrugged and poured that sweet sweet bean juice. It was only when I sat down and took a sip of coffee did I find myself thinking automatically, "this tastes so much better than wine". I only realized then that it had been rose wine, the only kind I've ever been able to tolerate. It was the ultimate moment of possible temptation, and the thought of just chugging that glass - as I may've done in the past - didn't even cross my mind.

I'm so glad to be where I am. I'm about to undergo some serious financial changes - i.e. going absolutely broke - but drinking isn't gonna help that, so I'm cautiously optimistic.

Stay Greater, Flamingos.

[ultraclops]

Semi-Live Blogging: Finale Time!

With reaction images this time!

Adoradad

TRAINING EXERCIIISE

Adorabat's practicing her screaming! Bet that's gonna come in handy later.

"Fneh!" Wow what an introduction Eugene

His design is like? Really cool?? He looks practically nothing like Adorabat tho. And why does he have a spade on his stomach instead of a heart??

Badgerclops drew him with a giant ass mustache lol.

Adorabat takes banjo lessons? More importantly, Eugene thought she was at a banjo lesson FOR 8 MONTHS?!

"She scares me" lol

Adorabat ran away from home? Why?

"I thought you were a ward of the state!" Remember when everyone thought Adorabat was an orphan? Yea.

"I thought you were my conscience!" Badgerclops...you've lived with Adorabat for a year...went to her school...AND YOU THOUGHT SHE WAS A PIECE OF YOUR SUBCONSCIOUS?!

...why did Badgerclops use Adorabat as monster bait...

I expected to hate Eugene but he's actually really cute and interesting?? Aside from the fact he thinks Mao Mao & Badgerclops are criminals. Love to see him again sometime!

Wow her dad has a whole badass mansion!! Why doesn't she just stay there...

Oh...her mom died...that's why he's so protective of her and was so upset when she left. Also her mom looks amazing & I wanna see a flashback episode with her. For some reason I can imagine her sounding like a deeper version of Scoops?

Aww Adorabat's room is super cool! Also Eugene cracking the door for her asfgjkl

"Do you think that monsters attacking the city are gonna - wait, does that have peanut butter in it? " (Cuts to MM & BC eating ice cream while crying) That's a perfectly rational reaction to losing your adoptive daughter

"I can keep it together!" (Cut to Mao Mao trying and failing to shovel ice cream in his mouth with his helmet on) NSADGEDHAMADH

Wait a second. Mao's eating mint chocolate chip ice cream. ISN'T CHOCOLATE TOXIC TO CATS?!

"But you said I was part of the team!!" "Then you're...off the team."

Adorabat crying while showing Eugene the picture OUCH MY HEART...

"I used to go exploring in those caves with Mom all the time..." I'm guessing those are the caves from the promo?

"She wasn't afraid of anything!" " Well Adorabat definitely takes after her mother...

"And then one day, Sonara didn't come back with you." Ooh her name's Sonara!! Pretty!! I can't tell if they chose it cuz it sounds like Sonar or because it means "pleasant sounding"

Glad to see Adorabat's still a die-hard metal fan, even with Eugene

Oof Mao isn't taking this well at ALL if he's pretending Adorabat's molt is her...

OOH SHIT ADORABAT RAN OFF TO THE CAVES - wait a minute no she didn't. OH NO EUGENE WENT TO THE CAVES

Ooh there's Sonara's looking glass, bet that's gonna be important

Yay Adorabat saved her dad!

Damn Adorabat must be super traumatized after basically watching her mother die. No wonder she tried to murder Boba-Chan!

Oh the only way to stop the monster is by screaming!

(Mao Mao hears Adorabat scream) "ADORABAT?!" ADOPTIVE DAD POWERS ACTIVATE

Ooh her mother's figure appears over her when she says she's not afraid of anyone...maybe her spirit's inside of her or something?

REVENGE TIME BAYBEY

HOLY SHIT ADORABAT FUCKING MURDERED THAT THING

Eugene & Adorabat both apologized to each other I...

"You can't just leave without the most fearless member of the group!" YAAY ADORABAT'S BACK (Also how are we gonna explain to Eugene Adorabat's scared of the dark?)

"I'll mess 'em up real good! So good, their mommies and daddies won't be able to recognize them when I'm done..." Daaammmnnn...

"She scares me :)"

I wonder...is Sonara really dead? Or are they gonna pull a Kipo & have her still be alive but in a different form?

Badge-A-Fire explosion

Uhh...where is Badgerclops? And why is Mao Mao on the top bunk?!

Of course Badgerclops is petty enough to install a fake monster alarm on his laptop to wake Mao Mao and Adorabat up.

"This is a super-serious work meeting, as you can see by the fact that I haven't provided any snacks!" No snacks?! This must be a serious issue!! /s

"As you know, I am a creative genius. Sometimes there's so much natural creative genius that my brain overloads, and I enter a heightened state that I call 'Ultra Focus'..." Oh so basically like hyperfixation?

"...where I break into a creative sprint, inventing super-advanced technology at supernatural speeds, unparalleled by anyone in the entire field of science." Okay maybe only a LITTLE bit like hyperfixation...wait a second, IS THAT WHY BADGERCLOPS IS SO TIRED ALL THE TIME?!

Uhh did he get his arm stuck in the front door? HE TOOK THE AEROCYCLE?!

"...I forget everything the next morning." Remember my headcanon that Badgerclops represses his memories? Yea...

"Which is why it's not my fault and I don't think I should be criticized :D" TBH I screamed with laughter at this scene solely because of the expression he made

...HE GAVE THE SKY PIRATES THE GEM CELL?! I mean he clearly wasn't thinking right when he did it BUT STILL?!

"Oh hey, I told you I'd use that weird elevator thing!" Dude you LITERALLY used it in Ultraclops. What are you talking about.

"If the Sky Pirates had the Gem Cell, they would've used it already!" That is a fair point ngl.

Umm...did Badgerclops give Adorabat a BOMB?!

Tbh if my friend woke me up in the middle of the night with weird-looking eyes and handed me a timer while saying something about an explosion I would DEFINITELY not go back to sleep afterwards...

I'm sorry, IS THE WHOLE VALLEY GONNA BLOW UP?! WHAT THE HELL DID HE MAKE?!

Mao wiping Badgerclops' tears I'm

A paper towel dispenser? Well that's not that bad - IS THAT A GIANT PAIR OF PANTS?!

Ooh it's not a shock collar it's a translator!! That makes a bit more sense... "I HAVE NO REMORSE OR CONCEPT OF EMPATHY!" ...if the monster doesn't have remorse or empathy how does it know what those words mean...

Badgerclops keeps telling Mao Mao & Adorabat not to criticize him...hmm...I wonder who criticized his inventions that made him that way...*cough* HIS MOM *cough*

"Are all your inventions this weird?!" "YOU'RE WEIRD!!"

IM SORRY DID BADGERCLOPS BUILD A DANCING MACHINE INTO MAO MAO'S BONES?! HIS BONES?! AND HE MADE ADORABAT A SECOND MEGAPEG?!

What in the absolute hell is going on dgaadhdagdadga

Okay but when Badgerclops clutched his head and started shaking when Mao Mao asked why he made those things...I FELT THAT IN MY HEART I FELT THAT IN MY SOUL

Ngl this scene really hit home for me cuz that's how I act when I have a breakdown...

The timer went off but nothing blew up - WAIT, IS THAT A REPLICA OF MECHA HOSSORAFFASNAKEARANG?!

"Initializing Totally Humane Knockout Procedure." (Proceeds to slam the Sheriff's Dept. into the ground) ajdajdgdad

Ooh...ohh they're on some sort of water park...ride...thing??

"And if I didn't want us to get out, then I made sure we couldn't...with super-strong shoe things." But there isn't any on Adorabat, can't she just squeeze herself out?

Ooh I'm getting Pirates of the Caribbean vibes

There's the Gem Cell, it must be powering the ride! Also the robotic arm slaps Mao's hand the same way Mao slaps Badgerclops' hand in Flyaway skkkk

"My amazing creativity is finally gonna destroy us all..." "Hey, at least we'll be destroyed together!" Fair point, fair point

The shoosh returneth

"I always loved inventing." So he was an inventor ever since he was little? Daww.

YOUNG BC IS SO ADORABLE!! He has a lil medical patch instead of an eyepatch which is def more accurate to real life...but what's the vest for? Protection in case he falls? A pressure stim?

That figure's def his mom since they rejected his ideas & he mentions she was mean to him. Also the theory that his mom's a villain seems a bit stronger since they straight-up hand him a tool kid + a set of blueprints with no regard to his safety...

"Also there was a bunch of other kids at school and some other people throughout my life who mocked me relentlessly." THEN WHY'D YOU TELL ADORABAT YOU COULDN'T RELATE TO HER WHEN SHE SAID NO ONE WANTED TO BE HER FRIEND?! (Also I noticed literally all the kids are other badgers, so I'm assuming Badgerclops grew up sheltered like Mao Mao did.)

So the Ultra Focus is basically a really weird coping mechanism to deal with all the abuse and bullying he went through? Holy fuckkk

"They only made fun of you because they were jealous. Happened to me my whole life!" Umm...

"Even the dance chip I surgically implanted in your brain?" Excuse me the dance chip that you WHAT

"I love you-" HE SAID IT 💗💓💗💓

"I'm finally around people who love and understand me..."

Wait did the cannon misfire? DID IT BLOW A HOLE IN THE GROUND?!

OH HE ACTUALLY DID CREATE AN ANIMATRONIC BAND?! I THOUGHT IT WAS A JOKE!!

"Take it away, Boss Hosstritch!" (Distorted garbling)

Oof Mao caught all the water

"We hope you all enjoyed being Badgerclops' friend." 💞💕💞💕

Not that anyone cares but I noticed there's a picture of some of the Sweetypies on the monitors, meaning 1. Badgerclops tested it out using them first, or 2. Badgerclops just likes those Sweetypies for whatever reason. Tho that makes me wonder why he'd choose Pinky of all people...

THE SKY PIRATES WERE INSIDE THE ANIMATRONICS THE WHOLE TIME?! THE MAN BEHIND THE SLAUGHTE

Zing Your Heart Out

Why are they giving out rotten sushi??

"HOW DARE YOU LAUGH AT ME EATING SOMETHING GROSSLY?!"

Ooh god Chester's gonna be super freaking annoying in this episode, I can feel it.

"What's blue and smells like red paint? Blue paint!" BAYBEY

Jesus what a prick. GET HIM MAO MAO

Ngl that background's really pretty...

Oooh no the Ruby Pure Heart's being weird again. Ooh no.

FUCK YEA ROAST HIM BABY - Did Adorabat's eyes turn purple because the Ruby Pure Heart gave her powers?

Oh so the siren in Badgerclops' robo-arm is a backup monster alarm?

More Sky Pirates - and the Pure Heart's being weird again...

"I'd tell you but despite your height it'd go right over your HEAD!" Asdfgghjjk

"For someone with two brains, you're not very BRIGHT!" EVEN BETTER

Kevin said he was raising money for a school trip, then for a trip to the hospital...which one is he raising money for?!

"SILENCE PANCAKE, LEST YE BE BUTTERED"

OOH NO SHE ATTACKED MAO AND BC

"IT FEELS LIKE THE WEIGHT OF ONE THOUSAND PLANETS!!"

"One second, I'm getting mad, and the next thing you know-" Is she freaking possessed??

Wait, is the Pure Heart TALKING to Adorabat?! How?!

Cluckins you don't ask people what's wrong with their eyeballs...even if there is something wrong with their eyeballs

"I CAN'T FEEL MY SELF-RESPECT!!"

The pure 'oh shit' on Marion's face when Adorabat turns to her

Half of the people she insulted showed up to her party! Didn't that mean she loved them?!

Oh god not this bitch again - nvm, thanks Adorabat

"Taking over the castle and ruling Pure Heart Valley forever does sound nice..." This is starting to remind me of that one AU where Adorabat turns evil, becomes the ruler of the Sky Pirates, then convinces them to kill Snugglemagne and becomes the queen of Pure Heart...she isn't gonna kill Snugglemagne, is she?

What did Adorabat tell Snugglemagne?! I WANNA KNO

Why is Pinky stealing teeth...reminds me of this

NO BC DON'T EAT THE TEETH

"I...hate myself! Therefore, I'm invincible!" So the trick to not getting your ego destroyed...is to not have an ego. Sounds reasonable.

"Your bug platter, my king?" Genderfluid Adorabat rights

"Mao Mao, your head looks like a CROW!" (Mao Mao caws) IT WAS A LIE HE ISN'T A CAT HE WAS A CROW THIS WHOLE TIME-

"It looks like a half-melted ice cream cone!!" That is...a strange way to describe your own neck...

"Well, I'm...bad (◡‿◡)" Kinda weird that the canonically depressed character can't even cleverly insult himself

...why does Adorabat's skin smell like old cantaloupe

OH SHE IS POSSESSED!!

HOLY SHIT MAO WAS GONNA FUCKING MURDER ADORABAT TO SAVE THE KINGDOM?! THANK GOD HE SAW HER JOKE BOOK, HOLY SHIT

Positivity outweighs negativity!

"WHERE DOES A 800 POUND GORILLA SIT?!" "Where ever it wants!◝(⁰▿⁰)◜" Curse you for making me laugh...

OOH NO THE JOKEBOOK! - Wait nvm Mao remembers Adorabat's jokes!

I think the reason they used that joke is because it represents Mao Mao and Adorabat - Adorabat is blue, and she wants to be like Mao Mao, who wears red. What is BLUE, and smells like (is similar to) RED paint?

YAAAY HE BROKE HER FREE FROM MIND CONTROL!! And did BC get Thanos snapped in the background?

"Thank goodness you're alright! We almost..." Fucking murdered you? Yea

"Might we have our crown and kingdom back, yes?"

"Sorry for being such a monster today." "You're a monster everyday." Is that a joke because she was today's villain, a reference to Sleeper Sofa or foreshadowing?

I hope Mao Mao and Badgerclops decide to investigate what's up with the Heart in Season Two, cause I highly doubt they'll let Adorabat getting fucking possessed go under the radar.

The visual gag of Mao trying to stomp out his ice cream cone like a cigarette is perfect. This is peak comedy everyone else go home

WHOOP CHESTER'S ASS GUYS

Strange Bedfellows

"So, your name is Boss Hosstrich, but you're not actually the boss?" How long did it take him to realize that

JFC Mao & Orangusnake are REALLY hellbent on killing each other huh...at least the deputies and the other Sky Pirates have common sense.

Hahaha nice Dragon Ball Z reference - and they both got crushed by the monster! Lovely.

...did Mao seriously think he died and went to heaven?

So does Orangusnake breathe through Tanner or do they both breathe independently & Coby can feel when Tanner can't?

Dang those skeletons remind me of the Steven Universe Future episode Growing Pains. And why is Lucky inside of Orangusnake? "THAT WAS MY LUNCH, JERK!" Ooh that's why.

"They're full of these tiny, little cracks or, as they're known in the medical field, 'whoopsie-boo-boos'." AGSADGASGADGDASG

Damn their skeletons are just gonna freaking evaporate huh...

"The doctor said I was very brave :D"

Ooh shit the Deputies and the other Sky Pirates met at the same elevator, are they gonna fight - nevermind, they're still calling time.

JESUS CHRIST ARE MAO & ORANGUSNAKE EVER GONNA STOP?!

"You don't have the guts!" "I have a million guts." That is...mildly concerning

"Yeah, I wanted to be a baker, before I realized I liked hurting people so much." Then why doesn't she just like, help Muffins or something?

Tbh I thought Ratarang was holding a gun and I'm glad it was just a weirdly wrapped banana

CONE OF SHAME. CONE OF SHAME. CONE OF SHAME.

"Aww, y'all shouldn't have - this is empty." "Just like my heart when you injure yourself!!" He loves him sm...💓💓

"Why didn't you bring me weapons?!" "Because this is a hospital, and I'm a good boy (◡‿◡ )"

"I really feel like this could be a turning point in their relationship." (Mao and Orangusnake proceed to try and kill each other again) *sigh*

Ngl Mao & Orangusnake constantly repeating themselves is getting super annoying.

That hospital bed beeping is giving me flashbacks to all the times I went to the hospital for seizures...

"You know y'all could live like this, like, all the time if you didn't go around hurting people, right?" "Pssh! Tsk-tsk, boy. You know I gots to hurt people." Uhh you guys should really listen to Badgerclops he knows what tf he's talking about

UUhh, whose egg is that? "MAMA" ASGagddahDh

Of course they had to land in freaking CEMENT to realize that maybe they shouldn't kill each other

Did Mao just deflate like a ballo- oh nvm there he go.

Boneless Mao. Boneless Mao.

And Mao saved Orangusnake!! By...breaking every bone in his body somehow.

"I'm the kind of hero who wants to save you so I can fight you later...at the right time and place." Just gonna file this along with the credit score scene from Perfect Couple in the 'Orangumao' folder.

Is Badgerclops duct taping Mao to the stretcher? I mean, at least he won't move & hurt himself again but geez

Tbh Zing would’ve made a better finale than this ep. At least it had a sequel hook

[fursasaida]

hello!when you're not busy/if you don't mind, could you pls recommend something to read on how human rights can sometimes get hijacked in propaganda? like for example how american conservatives can use religious freedom beat on other countries, how lgbtqa rights can get disingenuously used to push islamophobic agenda etc idk if this makes sense basically how human rights can be a complicated situated subject. sorry to bother you! you just seem to know everything ;_; pls feel free ignore this ask

Hi! I’m alive again.

Trafficking Women’s Human Rights by Julieta Hua

Human Rights, Inc by Joseph Slaughter

This is somewhat oblique but relevant: The Protestant Ethnic and the Spirit of Capitalism by Rey Chow

Again, not directly about human rights but still illuminating: “Uncommoning Nature: Stories from the anthropo-not-seen” by Marisol de la Cadena (from the book Anthropos and the Material)

If I had my wits about me a little more I’d look for some shorter articles to suggest, because I know a bunch of academic books is kind of a steep hill to climb. But I don’t know when I’ll have the wherewithal to do that properly, so I’d rather answer you now. Feel free to send another ask later if you can’t get access to these, or if you need something a little less demanding!

The main thing to remember, I think, is that the concept of “rights” as abstract freedoms that are distributed equally and inherently across every individual is not universal. That is, a basic respect for people and their ability to live their lives is not the same as “human rights.” Human rights is a legal framework that developed directly out of both the Enlightenment and colonialism; the mission to bring “human rights” to the world is very often a reinscription of the colonial mission to “civilize” the world that Western Europe and the US engaged in. To be “included” in this system is also to be produced as a particular kind of (autonomous, socially/culturally un-differentiated) individual, which may not be what the people targeted by this mission want.

To take de la Cadena’s chapter as an example, the Peruvian state wants to “develop” the land of the Awajun Wampis mainly for its own profit; but part of why they see doing this as unproblematic is because they make certain assumptions about what is “good for” Awajun Wampis–jobs, money, infrastructure, connection to urban centers, etc. (To be clear, the point here isn’t that the state is fundamentally benevolent, but that the state makes assumptions about what “any rational individual” would and should want.) But all of those assumptions are based on the idea that Awajun Wampis see themselves as individuals with certain kinds of “interests” that are ultimately the same as those held by the individuals who make up the state. Meanwhile, Awajun Wampis see themselves as “being-with” the watercourses and land that make up their territory; they aren’t separable from those other forms of life. Or rather, to make them separate would make them no longer Awajun Wampis.  The “development” that the state wants to bring them would destroy that “being-with.” As one of the resisting activists quoted in the chapter says [paraphrasing from memory], “no one asked us if we wanted their development.” The point here is not that Awajun Wampis are pre-modern noble savages who ~respect the earth~. (That idea only makes sense from the same Enlightenment point of view that a) casts “The Earth” as something separate which it is moral to “respect,” and b) assumes that it is unusual or optional–even if charmingly or transcendently so–to respect this alienated other.) The point is instead that the idea of the individual as autonomous is a set of Enlightenment assumptions built into the very concept of “human” as it is generally used now in these discussions. As a result, the “rights” of human rights are devised in service of that kind of atomized individual. To be granted “human rights” is also to be folded into a system that quite likely deprives you of other things, not least other ways of being and understanding your place in the world.

In terms of how this is weaponized, I think a very telling example is how, after Ferguson, the current president of Egypt started making a lot of noise about how the US has no right to go around dictating human rights to other countries. Sisi fucking sucks, and his point was in service of bad ambitions (being left alone to continue repressing Egyptian society), but he was right that hypocrisy was evident. That moment points to how, again, because “human rights” is organized around an Enlightenment and colonial idea of “human,” certain kinds of people are always conceived as not quite ready for human rights, not fully deserving of them, or not yet having fully put them into practice. This can be weaponized in two different ways. One is to say that “because you (as a non-white people, or as people who don’t believe in property, etc.) are not doing human rights right, we have a higher right to force you to behave differently. In the name of rights! It’s obviously right!” This is basically the story of U.S. foreign policy when it comes to human rights. The other is to say “because you are not consistent with our notion of human, we have no obligation to respect your human rights.” This is what happened in Ferguson in the first place. These forms get used interchangeably according to whatever is convenient for those with the power in the specific situation, but the point is that “human rights” only means something if someone is outside it. That is, human rights is a project that requires some people to be deprived of it or not capable of practicing it in order to sustain itself; otherwise it has no purpose. (This is where the fact that it’s a legal framework comes in. Laws exist to curb contestation; they need an outside.) So “human rights” is very often a kind of fig leaf for what is really an exercise of power, just as the civilizing or Christianizing mission was for imperialism.

To be clear, this does not have to mean a total retreat to moral/cultural relativism. Recognizing that human rights is a specific and culturally-situated paradigm doesn’t mean you can’t say anything is ever right or wrong. It just means that you need to develop your moral framework beyond that one limited paradigm. You wouldn’t accept that your moral framework couldn’t extend beyond “whatever is currently legal in your town,” right? Human rights is one current legal and moral paradigm that has attained some international hegemony; looking past it doesn’t mean abandoning ethics or politics. You just have to think hard and critically about what the basis for your ethics and politics is.

[onisiondrama]

this isn't really about Onion, but i've been looking at lots of blogs like yours and i'm starting to get uncomfortable that i'm a 17.5 yr old girl dating a 26 yr old man. i feel like he emotionally abuses me sometimes, he gets mad when i fall asleep early and tells me i don't love him. once, he told me he took 10 of his antidepressants at once and i was sobbing and shaking because he wouldn't respond to my texts. he said he wanted to die and i'd get over it. (1/2)

an hour and a half after he told me that, he was suddenly perfectly fine and he told me he actually only took 2 pills. i don't know what to do. do you have any advice?

~~~~~~~~

I don’t know you or your boyfriend personally so I don’t want to come off like I’m telling you what to do, but I’m going to pass along what “knowledge” I have and hopefully it will help. I’m going to say “you” a lot, but I’m talking in general, not personal. There are two major red flags I see.

1. The age difference

There is a HUGE power imbalance when a 17 year old dates an adult and it’s very layered so bear with me. 

I’m going to be saying “power imbalance” and “power scale” a lot. What I mean by that is if someone has a higher position on the power scale in a relationship, they could use that against the person in the lower position to manipulate/control them. The further apart the people on the scale, the easier it is for the person higher on the scale to control the person lower. I hope this makes sense.

Emotional imbalance: I’m not saying it always happens, but it WAY easier for a 26 year old to emotionally manipulate a 17 year old than another 26 year old. A great example of this is actually Greg!

You can see that the relationships he started with 17 year olds and an 18 year old lasted WAY longer than the two relationships he had with women in their 20′s (Green and purple dots, they’re not actually dots they’re lines too but the relationships were so short the dots overlap). Both of the relationships with the women in their 20′s only lasted a few weeks and this is because they saw RIGHT THROUGH his emotionally manipulative tactics. Greg said that Hannah broke up with him because he told her he loved her after two weeks. This not normal. It’s a RED FLAG and it seems she took notice. Compare that to Lainey who was a 17 year old high school student when they began talking. They started dating Feb 27th and were already engaged by March. His pickup line was asking Lainey why they think he is their soulmate. Love-bombing a googley eyed teenager with a crush so they can get the relationship moving very fast and very intense. RED FLAG!

If you want, Greg’s ex Adrienne wrote a long email about her experience with Greg. (She was 26, he was 25) Although it is very long, I HIGHLY recommend it because she points out a lot of Greg’s manipulative techniques and she actually confronted him about it.

There is also a common technique adult men use on teenagers, I don’t know what it’s called, but they’ll say things like: “I don’t usually date someone so young, but you’re mature for your age.” “I’m afraid to talk to you because I might fall for you and you are so young.” etc etc.. they know full well what they are doing. It’s 100% BULLSHIT to make the teenager feel like they must be special to gain the interest of an adult and that THEY need to PROVE themselves to the adult. RED FLAG!! This puts the adult higher up on the power scale.

Financial imbalance: Dating a 26 year old as a teenager can be very appealing because 26 year olds generally make more money than other teenage potential dates. It could seem very luxurious. Like dating an 18 year old boyfriend, picking you up in his used car, getting a slice of pizza, then going to his parents house to watch a movie. Compare that to getting picked up in a nicer car, get taken out to a decent restaurant, then go over to his own apartment! It makes the teenager feel like an adult. That you’re more special than other teenagers you know. Again, puts the adult higher on the power scale.

Another financial aspect is dependence. Most 17 year olds are dependent on their parents and trying to figure out what they will do with their life. Go to school? Start working? Try to move out? An adult dating a teenager can give them the illusion of financial independence. Move in with me! It might feel like freedom at first. You aren’t dependent on your parents, you don’t have to worry about your future for the time being... but this could all be a trap. You went from being dependent on your parents to being dependent on your partner and they might use that against you. This very much puts the adult way higher on the power scale than the teenager.

This can also get tricky when wanting to leave a live-in relationship as a teenager. Moving back home with your parents? Starting financially over from square one and having to listen to “I-told-you-so’s” from your family? It almost seems better to just stick it out and wait for the good times.

Life Experience imbalance: 26 years olds tend to have more life experience than a teenager. A 17 year old teenager doesn’t really know what is normal and not normal in a relationship, how fast should things move along. What is normal and not normal in the bedroom. They would not know how to properly introduce things like BDSM or poly relationships into their life and generally adults will take advantage of that when that’s something they want.

Brain development: A 17 year old brain isn’t fully developed. They just aren’t it’s fact. That’s why in the US the drinking age is 21. The rational/decision making/consequence predicting part of the brain is not fully developed. It doesn’t matter how high your grades are, how mature your body looks, or how mature everyone says you act. You’re going to make dumb decisions, we all do it at that age. 

2. Emotional Abuse

This part I will get personal. It’s good that you recognize what he is doing might be emotional abuse because it is. Threatening suicide is 100% a fucked up, emotionally manipulative things to do to someone. The fact that he only took two pills tells me he had NO intention of dying and only wanted to control you. Again, Greg is a great example of this. In 2012 he publicly threatened suicide because he was trying to gain the attention of his ex-wife so he could convince her to cancel their alimony. (Here is his posts and videos from that time.) What did he say about it years later? That horrible time in 2012 when he was sooo emotionally distraught he was thinking about killing himself?

In the 2016 video "Re: List of Onision Abuse Accusations", Greg admits he used threatening to kill himself as a manipulation tactic against Skye: “That is true. I did publicly threaten to kill myself. I have no defense for that because publicly threatening to kill yourself is really stupid. Especially since that was a manipulative tactic and I had no actual intention of killing myself.” He says he was angry at Skye for lying in court to get more money from him.

It was fake. He faked it. He admitted it was an emotionally manipulative tactic. No intentional of killing himself. 100% bullshit, 100% RED FLAG!

NOW.. If any of this resonates with you and you believe you are in an emotionally abusive relationship and want to get out, you can do it! 

Emotionally manipulative people like control. They might make it hard to leave. I think the best way to get is no contact. Break up and walk away, block them, ignore them. They might try all kinds of things to gain back control over you like threatening suicide, trying to get you back, or spreading lies about you. Hopefully none of that will happen, but if someone does threaten to commit suicide after you break up with them and they can’t seem to be talked out of it, try not to get back together with them to make them feel better. I haven’t been able to find any guide or what to do on the internet about a situation like that (I tried to find one a few months ago for a friend, but had no luck), but I knew someone in HS in a situation like that. They called the police and their ex had to explain to the police and hospital that they weren’t actually suicidal.

If anyone has any better advice for a situation like that, please let me know. Again, I had a hard time finding information online.

I did find this article about how to leave a narcissist, but I think it could apply to any emotionally manipulative person because it gives steps to to prevent the narcissist/emotional manipulator from gaining back control over you.

If anyone has any better advice or want to correct me please do so!

Good luck anon!!!

[kane-and-griffin]

Hey so I known you don't particularly ship bellarke, but what do you think of the bellarke/kabby parallels? I'm only asking because I'm curious to see what the other side of the fandom thinks?

I actually do ship Bellarke!  Kabby is my #1 but I’ve always been invested in Clarke and Bellamy’s relationship.  I have very strong opinions about Kabby/Bellarke parallels and have talked about this at LENGTH on Meta Station, where @reblogginhood, my co-host and best friend, is a ride-or-die Bellarke shipper, so most of the time I feel like I have dual citizenship through Erin (and vice versa, since the Kabby fandom loves her too).  We both love both those ships, and we both love all four of those characters, just in rearranged order, and we like to yell about this a LOT.

I’ve meta’d on this before a number of different times, but I’m too lazy to go back and dig up old posts, so here goes.

First of all, if you are a Bellarke shipper (are you a Bellarke shipper? Am I reading this ask correctly?  HELLO FROM THE OTHER SIIIIIIIIIIDE), the most important thing I want to say in aid of positive fandom-to-fandom relations is that the phrase “Kabby/Bellarke parallels” has begun to elicit a knee-jerk primal scream reaction among Kabby shippers over the past few months, since we regularly find the Kabby tag full of posts that either describe Kabby as the “old” version of Bellarke, or that it only exists to pave the way for Bellarke, or that the parallels that exist (and they do exist, and we’ll get to that in a second) essentially make Kane and Abby metaphors instead of people who only exist in the narrative to shed light on Bellarke instead of being their own characters with value and storylines of their own.  Articles or blog posts highlighting the things that make Kabby special to Kabby shippers will get reblogged with someone saying “if you change the names, it’s about Bellarke!” or with lengthy meta about how Bellarke had that thing first or that the Kabby version of some particular moment or symbol or metaphor or visual cue or phrase only exists because it will become MORE important later, when it’s attached to Bellarke. 

So I’m frustrated because I love this ask, I love getting this question, I love talking about the relationship among these four characters, but also it’s hard - as you can imagine - to feel like we’re told over and over again that the things we feel make our ship, and these two characters, really special to us, don’t really matter on their own merits.  

Anyway, I’m saying that both A) so the Kabby fandom, where we are perpetually having this conversation, knows MOM’S ON IT, and B) so that you as a Bellarke shipper who seems delightful and asked a great question has some context for why sometimes other asks or posts about this - which aren’t phrased as nicely as yours was - receive a negative response or make Kabby shippers upset.  I think the context is important here, because this has been a BIG thing in our world of late and we’re all a little thin-skinned about it right now.

Okay but that being said LET’S MOVE ON TO THE FUN PART AND TALK ABOUT CHARACTER PARALLELS BECAUSE I LOVE CHARACTER PARALLELS AND I THINK ABOUT THESE ONES ALL THE TIME AND I’M FULL OF OPINIONS AND YOU ASKED FOR THEM SO YOU’RE GONNA GET ‘EM

oh wait I found another post where I already did this STILL GONNA YELL ABOUT IT THOUGH, MY HOUSE MY RULES

Okay so FIRST OF ALL let me just real quick BLOW YOUR MIND with my Kabby/Bellarke parallels theory, which is that the REAL parallel is Abby/Bellamy vs. Clarke/Kane and everyone else has it backwards. 

I think the easy, default place most people go to when we talk about this is to contrast Kane and Bellamy - the self-doubting, tortured, wannabe martyrs who carry the weight of every sin on their shoulders well past the point of reason - with Abby and Clarke - the resourceful mother and daughter who never give up and will drag all of humanity kicking and screaming to their salvation if it’s the LAST THING THEY FUCKING DO.  And I think there’s a lot of interesting character stuff to be mined there, for sure; I think Kane and Bellamy’s parallel redemption arcs are some of the best stuff they’ve done in the whole series (until 3A Bellamy regressed back to an asshole but let’s skip past that for the moment), illustrating the way that for both of them, the Culling was really a turning point where they realized that they will forever carry the burden of having been complicit in that massive loss of innocent life (Bellamy for throwing away Raven’s radio and Kane for not waiting like Abby asked him to) which could have been prevented if they had listened to the Griffins.  It’s beautifully executed, even in S1 when these two characters have never interacted onscreen, and it ramps up even more in S2 where we see them meet and immediately butt heads with each other before in S3 developing a real partnership.  (Which then got torn to shreds.  I’m still bitter over 3A Kellamy  I’M GONNA NEED A HUG IN S4 JASON DO U HEAR ME) (I mean I need Kane to hug Bellamy, not like I’m requesting a hug from Jason, TO BE CLEAR).  And I think the mother/daughter parallels are drawn beautifully as well, especially in S1 where we see Abby on the Ark and Clarke on the ground filling similar roles and working towards the same goal, barreling through the opposition however they must.

BUT.  If we’re talking about which characters are MOST SIMILAR, then I think you CANNOT get away from the reality that the parallels are actually gender-flipped.

Clarke has a lot of her mom in her, clearly, as well as a lot of her dad.  But she’s not actually the kind of leader her mom is.  She’s the kind of leader Kane is.  Abby and Bellamy are the ones with the crowd charisma and the stubborn recklessness; Clarke and Kane are the cool-headed, deliberate strategic thinkers.  Bellamy and Abby have quick minds and no fear and will do absolutely anything, no matter how insane, to protect the people they love.  You can map, beat-for-beat, so many of the things Bellamy does for Octavia onto the things Abby does for Clarke, and vice versa.  Abby sneaking the kids out the back door with guns in the middle of the night to go find Clarke? Bellamy would do that in a second.  Bellamy sneaking onto the dropship to make sure Octavia doesn’t go to earth unprotected?  ABBY AF.  They both begin the show as people who are fiercely focused on keeping the person they love most safe, and it makes them blind to ancillary consequences.  Bellamy will fight anyone.  Abby will tell any lie.  There is no such thing as too far, when the person you love is at stake.  WE know Abby’s hope that the kids are alive is borne out by fact, but NO ONE ELSE ON THE ARK KNOWS THAT.  From Kane’s point of view, she’s being as unreasonable and reckless as Clarke thinks Bellamy is when she yells at him about the radio.  Or think about Abby sneaking Bellamy and Finn out the back door with guns to go hunt for Clarke, even knowing she would get in trouble for it.  You know who else would do THAT EXACT SAME THING in those circumstances?  BELLAMY BLAKE.  I bet they cooked up that scheme together off-camera.  So what I think is interesting for both of them is how their circle expands over the course of three seasons to change the way they are as leaders, and the ways in which their recklessness is tempered by their leadership partners. 

I’m fascinated by the relationship between Clarke and Kane, and I hope we get more of it in S4.  I heard rumblings that they go together to find Kenza, the Nightblood scout, and I’m hoping we get a lil’ dad/daughter road trip bonding, because I think they have a really strong connection and they share a similar leadership brain.  Where Abby and Bellamy are quick and passionate and make snap decisions, Clarke and Kane are more calculating.  They’re thinking in the big picture and the longer term.  Floating 300 people to save the whole Ark, and irradiating the residents of Mt. Weather to save all the Sky People, are identical decision-making processes; not everyone can live, someone is going to have to die, so how to we map out the most effective path where the fewest of my people die as possible for maximum survival?  Whereas there’s nothing Bellamy wouldn’t burn to the ground to save Octavia.  Leadership isn’t PERSONAL for Clarke and Kane, not right off the bat.  It’s about the numbers.  It’s about as many people as possible surviving.  And so sometimes you have to let the bomb fall on Tondc, because letting those people die is the only way to give your own people the chance to live, even though Abby “there has to be another way” Griffin finds that notion so appalling she can hardly even recognize her daughter in that moment.  But you know who understood it immediately, and didn’t judge her?  Kane.  Kane and Abby’s scene underground in 2x13 is such a beautiful, crucial moment in their relationship, but it’s also the moment the show really begins to lean in on this idea that Kane can see Clarke more clearly than Abby can, because she’s Abby’s baby girl and Abby is still trying to protect her from harm - including from the harm of having to make, and then face the consequences of, terrible decisions.  But Kane is the one who tells Abby not to diminish either Clarke or Lexa’s leadership skills just because they’re young.  Kane is the one who calmly talks Clarke down when they’re trying to figure out who poisoned Lexa’s drink, using the same kind of coolheaded, rational language we can easily imagine Clarke using to one of the delinquents if the shoe was on the other foot.  And so it makes perfect sense that it would be Clarke and Kane who make the strategic decision, together, that Skaikru joining the Grounder Alliance is the smartest long-term tactical decision - a notion we see that Abby and Bellamy don’t like, because they, emotional thinkers that they are, still haven’t forgiven Lexa or decided they can trust her again.

I’m really interested in where the lines end up getting drawn in S4, but it definitely seems to me, from the bits and pieces we’ve seen and heard, that Clarke has some kind of crazy-ass save-the-world plan that other people think is too reckless or too dangerous or will have too high a casualty rate, and that the group sort of divides itself into factions based on who is willing to get on board and who is resisting (or just giving up and waiting to die).  And it does seem, from the trailer, that Kane and Abby are using the same language Clarke is using.  We’ve also heard that Bellamy and Clarke are back as a power duo again, so my guess is he’ll be on the squad too.  So what I’m really excited about, because we’ve never really had this before, is the four of them working together as a co-leadership team.  I want to see Chancellor Kane and Ambassador Clarke negotiating with Roan and Luna.  I want Abby and Bellamy working together in Arkadia to convince their people to go along with Clarke’s plan.  I want Clarke and Abby to talk about Lexa and Jake, about how you go on with a hole in your heart and how to grieve and heal.  I want Kane and Bellamy to talk through all the things that happened in S3, how Bellamy almost got Kane executed because he stopped trusting him, how ALIE made Kane almost murder Bellamy in cold blood, and where they go from here.  I want us to see the parallel relationship dynamics - the big-hearted, loving Griffins who are used to giving and receiving affection reaching out to the isolated protector men who are still getting used to the idea that they have a place they belong and people who care about them. 

TO CONCLUDE: Abby is Bellamy and Clarke is Kane and they’re a big beautiful leadership power squad family and I love them all with my whole heart THANK U AND GOODNIGHT