#does it mean anything that the fire that got him disowned is what reveals his chest? in my mind yeah

[skrunksthatwunk]

i think it's so so so funny that my main transmasc hc character literally Is The Way He Is bc he's amab. like hiei's one of approx 3 characters ever whose asab is actually relevant and having it otherwise is impossible in the text. ridiculous.

is what i thought, but it's actually wayy way more complicated than i previously gave it credit for!! plus there's a LOT more queercoding than i first thought. lemme explain:

[tw: eugenics, fascism, queerphobia, self harm, suicide mentions]

[yu yu hakusho spoilers/meant for ppl who've seen yyh but probably understandable to ppl who haven't]

[ft too many uses of the word queercoded and my mushy feelings about hiei's arc and the queer experience]

hiei is literally thrown out of his home as a baby for being born male and that's just INCREDIBLY queercoded on its own, but specifically a lot of this is presented with the fact that he's a fire demon. this could just be a trait he got from his father, or it could be tied to the ice maiden species. i think it's a stretch to say gender/sex present the same across all demonkind, much less that it resembles our own. frankly, binary sexual classification doesn't really work for a lot of species (and it really doesn't work for humans anyway, because intersex people exist). his maleness is associated with it, and this creates a potential sexual dichotomy that, in this species, females present with ice powers and males present with fire powers. (i understand this has a very goofy "girls are cats boy are dogs" energy to it but let's roll with it for now). so hiei could have been born with what humans would consider female sex characteristics, but the ice maidens would look at him and go "oh he's on fire get this little man outta here". (this could also be where the idea that he'll destroy them comes from, if all males are, y'know, melty).

some of my initial thought process on this came about because i figured "oh if they reproduce asexually they've probably got all xx chromosomes, and that's how they only have xy kids when the parent has sex with someone outside the village", but even if that's the case (assuming chromosomes work the same for demons), there's still a ~50/50 chance hiei ended up with xx chromosomes anyway. perhaps fire is considered the primary sex characteristic that determines one's asab in the same way genitalia is for humans. so, to a human audience, we'd see his traits and go "oh he's trans", which i think counts for biological coding.

the ice maiden society is also incredibly restrictive in terms of gender and sexuality. they consist entirely of (ambiguously determined, as discussed above) women who reproduce asexually. one is not allowed to leave the bounds of this society, nor perform sexual taboos, such as sleeping with outsiders. hiei was only born because hina acted outside of the strict sexual norms of this society. people's queerness is sometimes chocked up to "poor parenting" (often based in sexual/gender/religious/otherwise traditional nonconformity) of parents. and even though hina loved her son and didn't want to see him, y'know, thrown off a floating island, the society as a whole still deemed him an outsider and a problem to be eliminated and left him for dead for the greater purity/"protection" of the culture. it's serving fascist eugenics tbh. (and hiei doesn't destroy their culture like they and he had expected, subverting their expectations of him and his "kind", though the idea that that subversion matters more than preventing further harm is one I'd disagree with. the choice to cut them out of his life entirely to me is somewhat more justifiable to me given a familial view over a community/cultural one, but i digress). regardless, this is reminiscent of societal marginalization in general, but especially categories that can show up in isolation in families (i.e. queerness, neurodivergency, disability, etc) in a way that other things (i.e. race, religious affiliation, etc) generally don't, and can thus be painted as rooting out abnormalities or defects in individual, bloodless, mundane cases (as opposed to the broader elimination that we associate with genocide)

there's also yukina, who left to find hiei, and who hates the ice maidens (presumably at least partially because she knows what happened to him). think of this as them trying to find each other after familial fallout.

this is all to say that if we view maleness/fire demonness as an equivalent to genderqueerness in the ice maiden society, hiei's story maps onto queer experiences incredibly well. so he's got that cultural/queer experience coding too.

we also see hiei topless all the time (he's actually incapable of keeping his chest covered. when he doesn't take it off it burns off or whatever like he can't fight covered up. can't even make it through the intro with it covered. whore behavior <3). "but he's got male presenting pecs, so he's amab," you might say. but he is (key to his character and returning home) well acquainted with a plastic surgeon. he literally has a body modification done as part of his backstory (specifically one he had to tell this story to to receive treatment!!!). transcoded asf. and frankly him being topless all the time is very reminiscent of lots of transmasc ppl who've just gotten top surgery. like they paid too much not to show it off. (this was actually the first thing that made me go "omg,, he's trans lmao. that surgeon guy totally gave him a 2 for 1 deal" and then it just. kept piling up. he's also quite short (4'10") and has a relatively high voice (definitely masc, but in a very in-the-throat way that a lot of afab ppl use), but neither of those are that compelling).

he also has a somewhat more flexible view of his body than the others, getting drastic invasive surgery, beating his arm when it disobeyed him(????? ok babe), and willingly sacrificing parts of it to learn fighting techniques (specifically a fire technique, so more gender stuff). this could be tied to genderqueer people's greater willingness/need to change their bodies, or potentially harmful practices (such as improper binding) to alleviate dysphoria.

queerness is featured a few times in the series and implied in others. we encounter a canon transfem demon named miyuki during the yukina rescue arc. karasu and itsuki are both distinctly mlm demons. hiei even acknowledges this in the eng dub, calling itsuki "lover boy" when he's doing his whole "omg sensui,, i want him to be evil so bad he's so hot" speech. the derision in this case seems to come more from hiei's dislike of him/the situation than disgust at itsuki's queerness (or else he could have just called him disgusting or perverse or whatever). kurama also makes a joke near the end of the series implying hiei is interested in him, which hiei refutes by clarifying his intentions, rather than saying smth like "ew nasty I don't swing that way", which is more standard in anime. I'm gonna gesture wildly to mukuro but we'll skip her for now. all this is to say that the only characters we see exhibiting signs of queerness are demons (other than the people we see atsuko hang with for a single shot). this is almost certainly a case of villainous queercoding (a detriment to the series that does rustle my feathers a good bit. the treatment of miyuki in particular makes my blood boil), but we could also read this as demonkind having different understandings of gender and sexuality in general. perhaps the reason we see this queerness in demons is more because the way their bodies work, the ways they present, and the ways they're attracted to others, to us, look queer.

hiei, throughout his backstory, is consistently demonized by the people around him (some of which is deserved bc he keeps killing people, but some isn't, like the thrown-as-an-infant-off-a-cliff thing). and while his arc throughout the show is about him becoming more able to let people into his life, there's always a distance there. he almost always pushes them away. he's always been treated like a monster, so that's all he tries to be, and it's part of his justification for further distance (i.e. using his criminal status as a reason not to "burden" yukina with the knowledge that they're related). for a lot of queer people (especially before the internet and in places without queer spaces like gay bars), you have no way of meeting people you can trust won't hate you for being queer (even queer spaces have transphobes or nb-exclusionists, etc), so you harden yourself and let very few people in. his trauma reads like a lot of queer ones, especially older american ones. this arc culminates with his relationship with mukuro, and his decision to stay with her indefinitely.

firstly, mukuro's referred to as a king and with he/him pronouns by the cast for a while, before it's revealed that she was hiding her true identity as a woman, and the characters' references to her switch to feminine ones. already tripping wires there. and the first time we learn this about her is when mukuro sees hiei's (queercoded) past and goes "you're just like me" and sheds her clothes (mukuro's backstory doesn't feel that queer to me, but she did have to run away from abuse and dehumanization, potentially for her body/the way she was born as well, so it's not insignificant). hiei's unconscious in one of those green anime healing tubes, but their shared nudity (and thus vulnerability) has a very intimate vibe to it. these fundamentally tightly guarded characters are letting each other in a bit in this way, and that backstory/vulnerability being connected with their bodies/genders, especially when you consider all the other queercoding surrounding them, feels very much like queer solidarity. meeting strangers who have been disowned for birth circumstances and immediately sharing your deepest secrets with each other because you feel some deep similarity to them and bonding over that experience (especially when it relates to asab/agab roles) in a way outsiders can't breach is very queer. (note that hiei didn't want mukuro to know his backstory, but was effectively outed, and she came out in kind). and eventually hiei helps her work through that trauma, and she gives him purpose and a home. a found family with a better fit, something more suited to him, than the main cast (as much as I want them to mesh perfectly).

i think part of why hiei is suicidal in the beginning of three kings is because of that distance and isolation. he'd fulfilled his mission of meeting yukina, but resolved not to tell her of their relation. he feels he can't tell her this big secret of his that might change how she views him, or views her home. it's just before the fight where he tries to die that his surgeon's condition that he could never tell her is revealed. the only thing allowing them to meet is keeping that secret, and the bodily change is what causes it. and he says he wouldn't want to tell her anyway. so he has nowhere to go. he doesn't want to destroy humanity anymore (as evidenced by his assistance in the previous arc and destruction of the chapter black tape), he can't get closer to his home or his sister, and there's still that distance between him and everyone else. (in case it needs to be said, all of this is crazy bonkers queercoded). but in the end, after he and mukuro grow together and bond, he tells kurama to tell yukina her brother's dead, to give up hope, to cut himself off permanently. kurama says he won't, because he believes that hiei will return and tell her they're related someday. and hiei begrudgingly agrees. someday he will tell her. when he's ready, and when he feels safe enough to. and from that change in the beginning and end of the arc, we know he's found that safety in mukuro, and may finally begin to really pursue his own happiness and authenticity. because he met someone like him, he now has hope. he can be loved and he can be enough, and he can look forward to it.

so, to sum up, hiei:

1. was disowned as a child for being the wrong/unexpected gender/sex in an incredibly homogenous society (in which it is ambiguous how they classify sex/gender)

2. has a medical and unusually personal history with a magical plastic surgeon and is topless all the time

3. reacts neutrally/without notice to other characters' queerness (when he is rude, it's for other reasons)

4. is a demon, the only group shown to exhibit canon queerness

5. forms a very deep bond with someone over their shared isolating (queercoded) experiences (with persistent body imagery and a social transition on mukuro's part)

basically, he's transcoded <3

[15-dogs]

chapter 2 - burning pile

pairing: fred weasley x reader

series masterlist

summary: your son asks you a tough question about his father, causing you to reflect on the exact moment you decided what you were going to tell him

warnings: children, the war, mentions of death, getting disowned, description of broken limbs, very light swearing, pregnancy mention

guide: (Y/N) = your name, (Y/L/N) = your last name

word count: 2.4K 

a/n: if your url is crossed out that means i couldn’t tag you! if you want to be added to my taglist for this, either comment or send an ask :) hope you like it!!

●chapter 2●

“Everyone at school has one,” your son stated, “how come I don’t have a dad?”

You clenched your eyes shut. You knew this was coming at some point, but 8 years old seemed far too soon. You smiled softly at your son, Daniel, as you patted your lap. He clambered onto you and you ran your hand through his fiery red hair, wondering how you could explain something so broken to someone so young.

●●●

You ran into the war alone. You were part of no affiliation, no friends by your side, you only knew who you were fighting for. 

Your son, nearly 2 years old at the time, was at your muggle neighbor’s flat. You couldn’t bring him to your muggle parents, not when they disowned you for finding out about your accidental pregnancy.

That’s why you were fighting. For him. For Danny. He needed to grow up in a world where blood status didn’t matter, where he didn’t need to be concerned about having a future or not. For Danny. You had to repeat it to yourself over and over again. For Danny. For Danny.

The war, like wars often were, was ugly. Rubble coating the grounds and bodies peeking out from under it. Being at such a broken place that was once filled with hope and joy was like seeing a photo go black and white.

You did your best to assist where you could, seeing people you went to school with falling lifeless onto the ground. They had families, they had parents that loved them. That was somebody’s child who was chasing death, and you were not about to let them get caught. You would jump in just in time to save them, feeling that was your best bet at contributing to the cause.

So you wandered the halls of the castle, seeking trouble. But, as it always does, trouble seems to find you. A Death Eater appeared from behind one of the many staircases, firing a spell at you. You barely dodged it, slipping behind a pillar, your heart pounding in your ears. You imagined what it would be like to have someone beside you but you couldn’t dwell, you were facing life and death.

You readied your wand before popping out from your hiding spot, firing a stunning spell at the man. He blocked it, but it sent him skyrocketing backwards into another hallway.

You had just found your target, there was no way you’d let him escape. You charged after where you had left him, only to find him missing. Your eyes locked onto a trail of blood that dotted from where you stood to a hallway, which just so happened to have sparks flying from it.

You rounded the corner to see two redheads battling two Death Eaters, your feet bolting to the ground.

It was Fred.

He was laughing at something Percy had said as they battled the men. He looked so...grown up. It had only been 2 years since you last saw him, but he looked different. He seemed genuinely happy. 

But it wasn’t the time to focus on such trivial things, not when the Death Eater you were battling was sneaking up on Fred. Both men were unaware of the cloaked person sneaking up on them, so you decided you needed to take action.

Fred was Molly’s son. If she lost him, she’d be devastated, broken beyond repair. You knew what it was like to have a child, and if you lost him, you didn’t know what you’d do. Danny was all you had and Merlin forbid anyone were to take him away from you.

As those thoughts coursed through your mind, adrenaline coursed through your veins. You watched as the Death Eater you were tracking snuck up on Fred and Percy, your wand readied as you waited with bated breath for the two to move out of the way. However, as the man approached, the brothers didn’t move. Your whole body was itching with anxieties, your eyes flickering towards the shadows. But as the man raised his wand, you couldn’t wait any longer; there were human lives at stake, one of which just happened to be your ex boyfriend.

“Fred, Percy! Get down!” you shouted as you revealed yourself from your hiding space. 

The Death Eater was distracted by your declaration, pausing in his mission to cast the spell. Fred, too, was distracted by your presence, leading to Percy dragging him onto the ground alongside himself. As soon as they were clear, you shot a spell at a pillar beside the man, the cracked tiles crashing down on his legs, trapping him underneath. He let out a shrill cry of pain, his face contorting into something awful that made you almost sorry for him. However, you didn’t want to take the risk that he was the devil in disguise, putting on an act just to garner sympathy from you.

“Stupefy!” you cried, freezing the man in his place.

As soon as the area was clear, you pocketed your wand and ran to the Weasley brothers. You slid onto the ground beside Percy, helping him up.

“Lovely to see you again, (Y/N),” he commented. 

You cringed but put on your best smile. “Been a long time, Percy.”

You recalled the last time you’d seen the stern boy, the one time that Fred took you home for the holidays. His family had welcomed you in open arms and made you quite jealous; your family wasn’t so affectionate.

When you got kicked out of your own house at 18, you weren’t really shocked. Your mother had never truly approved of you and Fred so she had been expecting something of that “sinful nature” for years now. 

When she had kicked you out, you couldn’t even gather most of your things as you found her burning them in the backyard in an old fire pit. You were only slightly shocked that time. Your mother had a saying: put all your troubles on a burning pile because when it’s all lit up, you’ll start to smile. That saying, of course, wasn’t true, nor did you think she took the meaning literally. When you walked outside to speak with her one last time— a regretful decision, you knew— her tears were illuminated on her cheeks from the flames that kissed her.

“You look good, seeing as how you helped Fred and I narrowly escape death, so thanks again for that.” Percy glanced down at Fred, kicking him with his foot. “Suppose you want to hear it from him, too.”

You half expected Fred to say something smart or, at the very least, notice that it was you who saved his life but he didn’t say anything. Come to think of it, he didn’t even move. 

Your heart stopped beating in your chest. You fell to your knees, hovering over Fred’s lifeless body. No, no! You were supposed to be saving him! What did you do?

“Oh, Merlin,” whispered Percy, his pale skin turning even paler. He, too, sank to his knees, shaking Fred’s body. “Oh, shit. Fred! This isn’t funny! Wake up, please!”

As a parent, you had to be aware of your surroundings at all times. Danny was rarely out of your sight, and if he ever got hurt you knew the play by play of what happened. That little skill came in great use as you stared at Fred’s body in the patch of rubble.

“He wasn’t hit,” you assured Percy, “this is shock.” You held your middle and pointer fingers close together, pressing them under his jaw in search of his pulse. As soon as you felt the soft beating against the pads of your fingers, you let out a happy gasp.

“What is it? What are you doing?” Percy scrambled to replicate your actions, pushing your hand aside and replacing it with his.

“That’s his heartbeat. It’s faint but it’s there. We need to take him to the Great Hall so he can get patched up.”

Percy let out a relieved sigh, tears falling down his cheeks carelessly. With the sparks that were being shot from outside the castle, it illuminated his face just right so that it reminded you of your mother. In his hands was Fred— your problem— and the glaring reality became apparent that you desperately wanted to run away from it.

With the wards down at Hogwarts, you could apparate inside the castle. Unable to pick Fred up, you and Percy pushed him up against a wall, his head drooping onto his chest and back slouched. 

“I’ll meet you in the Great Hall, if that’s okay?” Percy asked. You frowned. “I want to check on George, he’s been missing for a bit.”

“Yeah, go check on your brother, I can take care of Fred.” The words left a sour taste in your mouth but you couldn’t help but feel a familiar sense of warmth blossom in your chest as his name rolled off your tongue.

You reluctantly slid up next to him and slung his arm around your shoulder before apparating away. When you arrived in the Great Hall, nobody even realized you were there. You let Fred rest against a wall while you tracked down Pomfrey, who was hurriedly mixing some salve together, an unpleasant earthy aroma drifting your way.

“Madam Pomfrey, Madam Pomfrey!” You waved your hand wildly in the air, the color draining from her face at the sight of Fred behind you.

“Oh, Godric.” The words escaped her lips like a dying man’s last breath as she ran up to you two.

You took her wrist and ducked to meet her eyes, shaking your head. “He’s not dead, he’s just unconscious.”

Pomfrey gripped at her apron as she let out a shaky sigh. She lifted her head up to the sky, hoping that Merlin himself would dry her eyes. Once she had regained composure, she chuckled slightly at the insanity of the situation.

“Unconscious,” she repeated, pointing at you, “that’s something I can fix. Help me get him to that cot right there, dear.”

You nodded and helped Pomfrey drag him to the sheet on the ground right beside you. She rifled through her apron, the many pockets holding vials of wonders. 

“I haven’t seen you in quite some time, Miss (Y/L/N),” Pomfrey noted. She paused, her eyes flickering up at you for just a moment. “Or is it missus, now?”

You flexed your hand in silent rage— you hated those questions. “No, I’m not married, but I appreciate your concern.”

Pomfrey frowned slightly, her eyes moving down towards your stomach before drifting back towards her pockets. She whispered a quiet “aha!” and pulled a long tube full of amber liquid out, uncorking and pouring it into Fred’s limp mouth.

You sank onto the floor beside Fred, resting your back against the wall. Pomfrey looked at you like a mother staring at a lost child. You finally met her gaze, brows knit together.

“How’s your kid?” she asked.

Your eyes flitted to Fred; he was still asleep. “He’s good. He’s safe. Staying with a muggle neighbor at her flat for the time being.”

“He?”

“Yeah, Daniel— Danny. He hates when I call him Daniel.”

A reluctant grin tugged at the corners of your lips. You reached into your pocket, pulling out a wallet-sized, moving photo of you and your son. He was a small boy with fiery ginger hair and loads of freckles covering his face. You spun him around before shrugging him onto your back, him hiding his laughter into your hair.

Pomfrey snorted. She glanced between the photo in her delicate hands, the sleeping boy beside you, and your sunken eyes. “He takes after his father.”

You pocketed the photo, scoffing. “He doesn’t need to know that.”

“Mr. Weasley or Danny?”

“Both.”

Pomfrey shook her head but not truly disapproving of you. You avoided her stare and your eyes happened to get caught on a person waving, causing Pomfrey to turn around as well. She nodded, understanding that they were beckoning her. “Would you stay here with him? I need to care for some others.”

“Won’t be a problem.”

She nodded a quick thanks before scurrying off to the other side of the Great Hall. 

And then you were alone with Fred.

Your eyes roved over his body, mentally taking pictures of how he changed. No matter how hard you tried, the images of Fred the night before he left were seared in your mind. He looked different, like he’d seen things he never intended to. His eyes had a slight depth to them and his skin coarse with dirt.

You didn’t really mean to, but your heart has a funny way of dictating things. You reached your hand out, linking your pinky with his. As soon as you touched, you felt a spark in your chest. No sooner did you touch him than you jumped away.

Your mother might have been right. Problems need to be thrown away because there was no other way that you’d escape them. You needed not to feel such a thing— you were supposed to hate Fred— but a simple touch disproved that.

You spotted every member of the Weasley family at the other end of the hall, their eyes scanning the room for Fred. You looked down at your ex, a sense of sympathy tugging at your heart as you slipped out of the Great Hall unnoticed, leaving Fred to be in the care of people who actually loved him, or at least could admit it.

You needed to burn every memory, every thought, every feeling that was Fred Weasley. Because if you didn’t burn them, he’d be the death of you.

●●●

“It’s rare, Danny,” you began, dotting every freckle that lined his arms, “but some people just don’t have dads. They weren’t born with them.”

“But Ethan has a dad and he also only lives with his mum!” 

He yanked his arm away from you, an oncoming tantrum arriving. You sighed, tugging him closer to you and brushing his unruly hair with your fingers.

“But we’re special,” you whispered, “some people don’t have dads because they don’t need them.”

His displaced anger mellowed, his wide, amber eyes staring up at you, full of hope. “So we don’t need a dad?”

“No, we don’t need a dad, so we don’t have one.”

You never thought that you could do it, but you had; you had erased Fred Weasley from your life. It was then you knew that your mother was right: seeing everything you had with him burn into ashes really did make you smile.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

taglist:  @whiz-bangs78 @the-romanian-is-bae @witch-and-a-half @pineapplesandpinas @bellaiscool​ @gsvshsjsbs

[shyrose57]

2: The more the brothers looked/payed attention, the more they realized they where acting differently. Ranbob just dismissed it and said they would share it if it was important, while Ran grew suspicious but tried to follow what Ranbob said and tried to believe they weren't doing anything bad. Im still working on enderman genetics but what I have rn is that every enderman is estimated to be born as a 99% enderman (if it was 100% they'd just be a enderman flat out), but over time the percentage drops as more powers of the hybrid are revealed and so are their looks. So you could have a mom that only has access too and technically only 10% enderman, but you could be her child that has access too and is technically 80% enderman. 

3: The group accidently defeats his plans multiple times. I just meant flopping around to mean they just mess around and have fun half the time. And because their just having fun Raq's plans tend to fall through due to their unpredictable-ness. I've bullied Ranbob enough, so Ran :). But Ran doesnt do much better than Ranbob would've, his blindness leads him to be extremely panicky (which his group has never seen before) and stressed, he constantly makes enderman warbles/cries (he even actually cries a bit, which of course burns him and the noise startles him) and believes everyone has left him and he's having to survive on his own again. He's also extremely scared cause whenever he closed his eyes when he was surviving on his own, he always got attacked and now since he can't see, he's constantly believing that he's going to get attacked any second. Also he has nightmares much more often during this time, which all this ends up stressing Ranbob out and upsetting him.

4: Just during his relapses! Any other time he loves touch. But because of his altered mind during relapses he registers it as pain. 

6: The more blankets you get (you don't choose how much you get) the more self care is needed for payment. Definitely. Isaac loves it and has fought someone over it before. 

10: When visitors visited after they where basically disowned by all kingdoms, all visitors wanted to rob and steal things, and a few even tried to take over the place. He recognizes that the two look similar to Ranboo, and they know Ranboo had decendents much like Wilbur, so he supects the two are his decendents. And takes a great interest in them, more than happy to welcome them as long as they follow the rules and share what they know about their relation to Ranboo. Their all understandably suspicious, most refuse to go in and its only after multiple reassurances, explanations, and begging, do they go in. Though they stay very close toghere and don't act friendly to those inside the town. 

12: Pff sorry. I didn't actually mean to aim for ya at first and its only when you said where you aiming for me did I say yes cause I found it funny and thought you may as well.

13: HONESTLY I GENUINELY THOUGHT IT WAS FLUFF CAUSE ITS RANBOB BEING COMFORTED BY HIS FAMILY WHO STILL LOVES HIM AFTER WHAT HE DID! 

I had idea, since Foolish is a god, and if we say he is immortal. What if the group meets him? And if we say enderman live forever until killed, what if Edward meets Ran and Ranbob? 

2: It’s so nice to see some genuine trust in this friend group. They all need it. Also, endermen genetics sound very confusing, I think I’ll leave the minecraft biology to you, Anon.

3: Sounds frustrating. Also, poor Ran. He sounds like he’s having a really bad time. How does the group react to this whole thing? How does Ranbob react to it, between his instincts and hearing his little brother cry? I can’t imagine it goes well. Do we get some hurt/comfort here?

4: Well, that’s better than it could have been. What exactly caused this reaction though? If he was alone in Mizu for so long, then he couldn’t have been touched often. Did Dream have a way to hurt him? Is it because he fought people? Does it just overwhelm him?

6: Very good, self-care is important, and more of these guys need to do it. Also, Isaac fighting someone over tea is a very funny image.

10: Ah, well. That’s not good. Explains why they were wary though. Sounds like they aren’t off to a great start though. Does their stay get better later on?

12: It is funny. We need to stop saying ‘aim’ though, because I’m starting to get a mental image of a little anon figure firing at me with a bow.

13: ANON! He is literally being comforted by the ghosts of his dead friends and family saying that they miss him, how do you think of that as fluff, it nearly broke my heart in two.

Also, them meeting Foolish sounds neat, they could probably learn some interesting stuff from there. Plus, if you want to go the ‘Dream and Foolish are brothers’ route, there’s plenty of angst potential there for both parties.

And EDWARD! We love Edward in this house! Maybe he could tell them about Ranboo or something.

[halothenthehorns]

THE GOBLET OF FIRE

Lily hadn't been this happy about the book for this long since Harry's first year, and even then by this point her son had been in more than one deadly situation. Of course she couldn't deny the Voldemort mentioning's, but Harry was at school now where Dumbledore would even keep the worst of that away from him. She was all for hearing about her son sitting in the stands and enjoying this tournament, so after she handed the baby to Remus, that reminder she gave the boys actually quieted them down so she could start.

Ron was still babbling in Harry's ear as they followed the Durmstrang students back into the school about that being Viktor Krum!

"Are you sure, because I don't think he got that the first dozen times," Lily snorted.

"Quit being a killjoy Lily," Sirius shot back, "just imagine for a moment that your idol was around school, you'd be acting the same way."

Lily shrugged at that, not denying it.

Hermione tried to get him to stop, reminding he was just a Quidditch player. Ron looked at her like he couldn't believe his ears.

"I know I can't," James agreed.

  Reminding her he wasn't just any Quidditch player, he was the best Seeker there was! Ron hadn't even known he was still in school!

"Actually that just makes him all the more interesting," Remus smiled. "Shows that he's thinking outside of his career, most others his age would have dropped everything."

Ron wasn't the only one having a fan attack, there were several girls bickering about whether they could get Krum to sign something in lipstick.

"I can't see why he wouldn't," Sirius snickered.

Hermione still wasn't impressed, even as Ron turned to Harry and asked if he had anything Krum could sign with? Harry said he hadn't, he'd left his bag upstairs like everyone else.

"Starting to wonder if this is why they told them to do just that," Lily mused.

They went into the Great Hall to see that the Beauxbatons students were already seated at the Ravenclaw table with glum faces.

"If you were worried about being home sick, you shouldn't have come," James snorted.

A few of them still had their scarves on, and Hermione tisked at that, stating it wasn't that cold.

"It probably is to them," Lily shrugged.

Demanding of no one why they hadn't brought cloaks?

They were all wondering that though.

Ron wasn't paying any attention, watching the Durmstrangs who were still hesitating in the doorway, Ron trying to hiss at them to come sit at their table while telling Hermione to move.

"Oh yes, I'm so sure Hermione scooting one seat over would have convinced him to sit over there," Sirius snickered, not pretending for one second he wouldn't have been just as bad.

He was disappointed though when they instead sat at the Slytherin table.

"Now why does that feel like a bad omen?" Remus rolled his eyes, he'd heard plenty of bad things about that school from Sirius though, so maybe he was being biased.

They watched as Malfoy leaned in at once and began talking to Krum.

"There's a tragedy," James pouted.

"I think it's good for him," Sirius said with a bit of a smug look. "He clearly needs all the help he can get, maybe Krum will convince him to give up on his own team all together when he finds out how bad the little brat is."

Ron scathed it was just like Malfoy to smarm up to him.

"Now who's being a hypocrite?" Lily rolled her eyes, considering he was being just as bad seconds ago.

Muttering about how Krum could see right through Malfoys act, that people probably fawned over him all the time.

"That I wouldn't doubt," Harry said with some sympathy, as he lived that problem.

Then Ron asked where they would be sleeping, he had no problems kipping on the floor and Krum could have his bed.

Causing all five of them to start snickering, knowing Ron wasn't kidding. He'd probably beg the house-elves never to wash his bedding again if Krum even sat on it.

Hermione began laughing at him, while Harry at least pointed out the Durmstrang students were taking more of an interest then the Beauxbatons. They were all removing their furs and looking around with keen expressions, many picking up the golden plates in surprise and clearly impressed.

"I can only imagine how much of an experience this is for them," Remus said with honest interest, his own mind spinning as for the first time he wondered what other wizards schools were really like.

At the staff table, Filch was putting down more than two extra chairs, but when Harry asked why that could be, Ron wasn't listening, still watching Krum.

"This is getting Colin creepy," Lily snorted.

"Leave him be," James rolled his eyes, "he's star struck."

"His best friend is one of the most famous names alive," Remus reminded with a slight wince.

"And he's used to that," Sirius waved him off, "but there's a difference in a household name, and a star name, and Krum is a star!"

Lily and Remus exchanged bemused looks, clearly they weren't getting through to these two any better than they would Ron.

All the students had taken their place when the staff and guests arrived, and the moment the Beauxbatons caught sight of Maxime, they all took to their feet at once amongst a giggling crowd, but without a trace of embarrassment, didn't retake their seats until their Headmistress had.

"Guess it's a French thing," Harry shrugged.

Only Dumbledore kept his feet, welcoming the crowd with open warmth, and promising their stay here would be as comfortable and enjoyable as possible. A girl of the Beauxbatons lot, one still wearing a muffler over her head, sniffed in disbelief.

"Oh she's going to be a lovely one," Lily scowled. Who came to someone else's school and did a stunt like that?!

Hermione bristled, muttering that no one was making her be here.

"Thank you," Remus grumbled in agreement.

Dumbledore was still going, inviting them all to enjoy the feast. The moment he retook his seat, Karkaroff leaned in and began speaking to him. The plates magically filled at once, and the house-elves below had clearly gone all out on an exotic menu, as Harry identified several foreign things.

"Eat your fill," Sirius said with honest envy, "sometimes foreign food's the best. Ever had a s'mores, those things will give your head a spin."*

Harry looked at him quizzically, but decided against asking.

Ron was looking at a shellfish dish in particular as he asked what it could be.

"That actually sounds kind of good," James said with interest, he didn't get to eat seafood enough.

Hermione explained it was bouillabaisse, she'd had it while on holiday in France, stating she enjoyed it. Ron still chose to pass it by. As Harry ate, he seemed to feel the Great Hall was more crowded than usual, even though there were only about twenty extra people.

"Really, each school only brought ten?" Remus asked in surprise. That seemed like a pretty big ship for so few students for the Cup to choose from.

"They don't want the whole of their seventh years missing a whole year I guess," Lily shrugged.

It could be because of the standout colors, now that the Durmstrang had removed their furs you could see red uniforms beneath. Hagrid came in last, giving a friendly wave to where Harry and his friends sat, though they all noticed bandages on his fingers.

"Oh the poor thing," Lily couldn't help but tisk, though her worry for Harry being around those skrewts increased if they were even starting to give Hagrid a problem.

"Those are really going to turn out to be something to have done that to Hagrid," Remus agreed, missing the concerned part of her tone, his mind still caught on the intrigue of those things.

Ron couldn't help but chuckle as he realized the skrewts had finally found a food they liked, Hagrid's fingers.

Causing all five of them to start snickering in total agreement.

A new voice came in then with a French accent, asking if they were done with their bouillabaisse? Harry looked to see it had been the girl who laughed at Dumbledore during his speech.

"I'd tell her I was going to eat the whole thing for that reason alone," Lily rolled her eyes.

She'd finally taken her headgear off, revealing very long silver hair and large blue eyes. Ron went purple in shock, only able to gurgle in response.

"Well, well, well," Sirius' laughter continued even louder.

"Best hope she doesn't turn out to be one of the champions," James said mildly, "I might disown Ron if he starts voting for his new love interest over Hogwarts."

Harry blinked in confusion at his dad, just knowing there was something in what he'd just said, but Lily only gave them an indulgent smile before moving on.

Harry answered instead, pushing the dish towards her. She asked if they'd like it, and Ron finally managed to get out he'd loved it.

"I'm sure Ron loves every bit of it," Remus muttered, causing Lily to snort, which she quickly tried to hide as a cough as she moved on.

Both boys watched her walk away with her dish, and Ron finally came back to his senses enough to speak normally again, telling them that was a veela!

"I think Ron's been having one too many dreams about those," Sirius said with a knowing look, "and now he's seeing them everywhere."

Harry cocked his head to the side, a little spot where he was sure he may have said something to that, but it was such a small thing it hardly registered.

Hermione told him that as he was the only one being an idiot, that wasn't likely.

"Did I detect a hint of jealousy?" Lily asked.

"Just because Harry doesn't go for blondes doesn't mean there's not a dozen other guys watching," Remus shrugged.

She wasn't entirely right, as Harry watched several other guys turn heads to watch the girl retake her seat.

"Least Ron's not the only one in that boat," James chuckled.

Ron was being insistent that wasn't a normal girl, you couldn't find them like that at Hogwarts!

"I'm sure your female best friend just loved that one," Lily scowled on Hermione's behalf.

Harry disagreed they came alright at Hogwarts, his eyes now on Cho who was a few seats down from the other girl.

Causing an eruption of giggles from the others at Harry's expense, who was now wishing he'd gone back and sewn his mouth shut at some point.

Hermione was getting tart with them as she told that the rest of their guests had arrived.

"I'm going to give you that one Lily," Sirius said with a winning smile Harry was still trying to ignore, "Hermione is definitely jealous of someone."

Harry didn't react, he was still too busy keeping a steady eye on the carpet.

"The question is who," Lily agreed with honest interest. Of course she may have been acting like a prat again, just because Hermione had two boys for friends didn't mean she had to have a crush on one of them. Still, it couldn't feel good for the poor thing that neither of them ever complimented her like that.

She was gesturing back at the staff table, where Bagman

"Bagman's back!" Sirius unbelievably brightened all the more. "You've now got two Quidditch stars walking around Hogwarts! I can't believe I won't get a chance to meet them!"

Remus was sorely tempted to tell his friend off for possibly having mixed priorities then, but Lily had already rolled her eyes at him and moved on.

and Crouch were taking seats.

"I think I found the rest of our judges," James said in surprise.

"Why them though?" Harry said quickly, more than happy to hear about anything that wasn't girls at the moment. "They're from our Ministry, like you guys said earlier, shouldn't they get someone that has no relation to us."

"Don't ask us, we didn't put it together," James shrugged.

 Harry asked why they could be here, and Hermione said it was probably because they'd helped put the tournament together, they'd want to be there for the start.

"Well there's that too," James agreed, "the other two judges might not show up until later."

"Why wouldn't they show up with the rest of them?" Lily asked.

Again James shrugged, he was guessing as much as the rest of them.

After dinner was done dessert came up in the same manner, and Ron made sure to place a French dish in the sight of the veela girl, who did not make a reappearance.

"Poor Ron," Sirius said sincerely, "maybe he won't change colors after the meal so he can go up and talk to her, ask how she liked dinner."

"You say that likes it's so easy," Harry muttered without thinking, knowing he'd never be able to stammer out such a thing to Cho.

"It is with practice," Sirius said at once, his eyes lighting as he watched Harry flush slightly who was clearly regretting having opened his mouth, but did indeed watch Sirius with polite, if dumbfounded, interest as he launched into a full volley of the number of topics he'd gotten started with that had landed him with dates.

James watched with a rising sense of verdant eyes, and quickly turned away to tune them out. Sirius had always made jokes that his kids would have to come to their Uncle Padfoot for dating advice, seeing as James had only ever gotten together with one girl in school and Heather had asked him out first. He'd only agreed, and dated her for a total of three months, to try and make Lily jealous during their fourth year. When that stunt clearly wasn't working and James was starting to feel bad for leading a girl on when all he kept doing was watching his favorite red head, he'd dumped her much to her protest. Of course once he'd gotten his dream in his first date with Lily, he'd never looked back with regret, but Sirius had never quite seemed able to let the joke go that any future kids of theirs would have to turn to anyone but their parents for dating advice.

Lily hadn't been much better, seeing as she'd basically been a social pariah to the male population of the school for a long time having hung out with Snape, and then once they'd stopped being friends any suitors she did have mysteriously wound up in the hospital wing though no one, ahem Marauders included, would take credit for why.

Of course neither parent would go back and change it, but now that they realized they wouldn't even be there to witness Harry growing up and even trying to talk about these things, the wedding ring on his finger was more than proof enough he'd long since figured out anything Sirius was currently telling him, watching Sirius dole this out was definitely rubbing them the wrong way.

Lily shared a commiserating look with her husband, before clearing her throat loudly and saying, "alright Sirius, I put up with having to watch all that, don't make me relive it." Then she started reading again loudly before he could protest it was all just for fun.

Before turning his attention back to her though, Harry shot his dad a grateful look and mouthed 'thank you.' If he was under the impression James had put Lily up to stopping that, James wasn't going to correct him.

After those plates cleared as well, Harry wasn't the only one watching the staff table with unbridled excitement. Dumbledore took to his feet, announcing that the Triwizard Tournament was about to begin. He wanted to speak for a moment before the casket was brought in,

"Err, should I be worried they've already got burials started?" Harry asked with concern, not realizing the terrible wince this came with may have a deeper meaning then his first layer of concern.

"I said casket, not coffin," Lily corrected with a small smile.

"A casket is a nicer way to say coffin," Harry corrected right back with a very uneasy look.

"Relax pup," Sirius snickered, "you'll see in a minute."

Harry was still watching them all, clearly not any kind of comforted, so Lily decided not to keep him in suspense too much longer.

about some clarifications. Introducing Bartemius Crouch and Ludo Bagman and their titles at the Ministry. As the first name was called, there were a few half hearted claps, but once Bagman's was, the applause was much warmer. Perhaps it was because of his old Beater status, or he just looked friendlier.

"I honestly believe the second," Remus agreed.

Dumbledore explained that Bagman and Crouch were also going to be on the panel of judges hosting the Triwizard Tournament, along with all the heads of the schools.

"Nope, guess we should all just get ready for Britain to be accused of being biased," James shrugged as he finally got the final answer for that.

"Assuming Hogwarts even wins," Remus said with a challenging smirk back, in no way meaning it, just looking to pick a fun jab at his friend and see the reaction.

James puffed up, fully preparing to defend their school that there was no contest, but Lily still chose to ignore the both of them. One glance at her son and she could tell he was already turning green, clearly any talk of this was hurting him as he must have a memory of who did win, but bringing it up now would do no good to him.

Dumbledore did have a casket brought in then, a very old wooden chest encrusted with jewels.

Harry couldn't help it, the closer this Tournament got to getting started, the worse he was feeling. He hadn't felt so terrible since the lead up of finding out Pettigrew was still alive. Clearly something terrible happened during this tournament, and the more he tried to push away any feelings he was getting, the harder his head was starting to pound.

Dumbledore once again explained that precautions had been set in place to prevent any student from dying this year, then went on to say that the champions would be facing three challenges all designed to test a different part of them. One student from each school would be selected, from the Goblet of Fire.

"Oh," Harry murmured. He supposed a magical object would be the most fair in selecting the students for this, it certainly wouldn't be biased.

Dumbledore reached into the casket then and pulled out an unmemorable chalice, but its contents left the whole hall breathless. It was brimming with blue-white fire. The lid of the casket was closed, and Dumbledore placed the Goblet of Fire on top of it so that everyone could see its flickering flames. Then he told that after everyone put their names in, the Goblet would decide who the champions were tomorrow night, Halloween.

"Well how does that work?" Harry couldn't help but ask, forcing the buzzing out of his ears for a moment. His head felt like it was being stuffed, and perhaps further conversation about the Goblet wouldn't help, but it was better than trying to ignore it which was apparently doing no good. "How does just writing your name down make the Goblet determine anything?"

"The Goblet of Fire is a deeply powerful magical object," Lily said as she cast her mind back, trying to think up anything she might once have heard about this. "I know that the founders of Hogwarts, and those who started Beauxbatons and Durmstrang all had a hand in creating this fire. It was designed to absorb the essence of whoever put something in its fire, and judge those who were worthy."

"That's pretty cool," James said honestly.

"Starting to wish all the more I'd had a chance at this," Sirius agreed with a sigh.

The Goblet would be in the entrance hall, where anyone who was able could place their name. Dumbledore would be drawing an Age Line around the Goblet, so that those who were not seventeen couldn't attempt.

"Well that'll do it," Remus chuckled.

"Won't stop those like the twins trying to get around it," Sirius disagreed with a wicked grin.

Dumbledore gave one last word of warning then, instructing that entering your name into the Goblet would put you in a binding magical contract. If your name was selected, you would be a champion, and there was no backing out after that.

The longer his mother continued on this part of Dumbledore's speech, the lower Harry's heart sank. Surely he must be misunderstanding this feeling though, it couldn't possibly have anything to do with him...right? He must just be feeling bad for whoever the Hogwarts student was...

"I don't see what the lecture is for," James rolled his eyes. "The Beauxbatons and Durmstrang students wouldn't have come if they weren't willing to go all the way, and anybody at Hogwarts who puts their name in should understand by now what they're getting themselves into."

"Can't say he didn't warn them," Remus shrugged.

Dumbledore ended his speech there, instructing them all to have a pleasant night. Fred was absolutely gleeful at the news of an Age Line, all it would take was an Aging Potion to get past that.

"Theoretically," Lily scoffed, "but do they really think Dumbledore won't account for that?"

"Maybe he won't," James said eagerly, "sometimes the simplest solutions often get overlooked."

Harry tried to latch onto this lighthearted conversation, trying to convince himself that maybe he was just worried for one of the Weasley twins. Maybe they got in and they regretted it, something other than his own self being involved in this!

Once they were in, the Goblet wouldn't know the difference.

Hermione disagreed, saying that anyone who wasn't seventeen shouldn't try, they hadn't learned enough.

"Age is a number," Sirius scoffed. "Hermione can do a potion most sixth and seventh years can't, and everyone's got different strengths. Theoretically any student could win this."

"I'm still happy they can't try," Lily murmured with a protective eye on her Hare Bare, growing more concerned the longer she kept going that Harry somehow kept losing a shade a color the longer she dragged on. She couldn't imagine why, what on earth did he have to be so worried about?

George told her to speak for herself, asking if Harry would try for it? Harry's mind did flash back to that wonderful daydream of what it would feel like to win the Tournament,

Harry gave a blithe smile to show how much he was kidding with that thought...so why did that terrible idea somehow make every one of his feelings grow ten times worse?

and wondered how mad Dumbledore would be if anyone got past his Age Line.

"Like Fred said, he can't do anything about it," Remus chuckled, "if the Goblet sets up a contract the moment their name's in, no one can do anything to get them out of it."

No one noticed Harry's hands starting to shake, and he quickly tried to tuck them out of sight.

Ron clearly wasn't listening as he asked where 'he' was,

"You sure he said he, and not she?" Sirius couldn't help but grin at Lily.

She ignored him.

watching the Durmstrang students file out and complaining that Dumbledore hadn't said where their visitors would be sleeping.

"Ron's going to be so much fun this year," James snickered. "If he's not freaking out about being around his Quidditch idol, he's going to be drooling after a girl."

The question was answered as they saw Karkaroff at the Slytherin table, talking to his students about heading back to the ship. Then he asked Viktor if he'd had enough to eat, if his head was feeling better, should he have some more wine?

In the excitement of his name being revealed, they'd almost forgotten that Krum was apparently feeling under the weather. Now knowing who it was that was supposedly sick, the four who had never met him in person couldn't help but scowl lightly, wondering how much he used his fame around school.

Krum told his Headmaster he was feeling fine, but then another student jumped in saying he wouldn't mind some. Karkaroff snapped at him, telling him he'd disgraced their school by getting food all over his robes and he wouldn't be receiving anything.

Which instantly seemed to clarify the situation for them. Karkaroff was clearly being chummy with his star of a student, but that in no way extended to any other student. He shouldn't speak to that boy like that, so he'd made a mess, that was no reason to insult him in public like that!

Karkaroff began leading the way to the door, and Harry and his friends stopped to let them pass first. Karkaroff at first barely batted an eye as he said thanks, but then he did a double take upon seeing Harry.

"Oh joy," James muttered in disgust.

"Please don't tell me he'll turn into another Diggory senior," Sirius sniffed.

Karkaroff froze on the spot, his eyes zeroing in on Harry's forehead, causing several of his students behind him to look on with gaping mouths as well.

"Subtle," Lily hissed, wanting to give them all a smack for gawking like that.

Moody arrived then, telling them all that was indeed Harry Potter. Karkaroff whirled around, and seemed even more surprised to find the ex auror, but much more terrified.

"Well what's this now?" Remus yelped, trying to lean around Lily and look at the book himself.

Lily shoved his face back out of the way, but it didn't erase her own surprise and unease as she began, "ah, are you really thinking what I am?"

"That Moody might know Karkaroff the same way Snape does," Sirius agreed at once, his eyes suddenly narrowed in a whole new way. "Can't imagine why anyone else would look like that around an auror."

"Are you telling me an old Death Eater managed to be head of a school!" Lily balked in disgust at that idea.

"A Death Eater managed to be teacher at a school," James reminded bitterly, "it's not too much of a step up."

Lily sighed and turned back to the book, wondering if they were all being too suspicious. There could be another reason Karkaroff would be afraid of Moody...though she couldn't think up one right now.

Harry had so much practice of late, it wasn't too hard to keep his expression as steady and neutral as possible so as not to reveal that his first instinct was to say they were all right on point with this one. It wasn't any more encouraging that this may be where he had known Karkaroff's name.

When Karkaroff just kept gaping, Moody suggested he should move along, he was causing a blockade. He was right, several students were now bottled at the door, trying to look over each other's shoulder for the holdup.

Harry gave a blistering sigh. It wasn't a pleasant reminder that his presence had caused a whole block up of the Great Hall, but for once even realizing how famous he was, was still nicer to think about than whatever was driving his mind crazy recently.

Karkaroff turned on the spot and without another word marched off. Moody's magical eye followed him the whole way, his face showing nothing but dislike.

"Well that's not encouraging," James muttered, his fingers starting to tap out a rhythm on his knee in agitation.

Saturday usually meant a sleep in, but the trio weren't the only ones up bright and early, racing down to the Great Hall to see the Goblet had been set up as Dumbledore had said, a golden line encircling it ten feet around.

"Does it go above it?" James asked with high interest, his mind already spinning on how he'd get his broom into the hall and pass his name into the Goblet before anyone could stop him.

"I'm sure it goes in the full sphere of its diameter," Lily grumbled without looking up.

There was a crowd hovering around the fringes of the walls, and Ron asked a random student if anyone from Hogwarts had put their name in yet? She responded she knew Durmstrang had first thing in the morning, but hadn't seen anyone else. Harry voiced that anyone from their school had probably done it last night when no one was watching. It would be embarrassing if it just spit the name right back out.

"Yeah, I can see Harry's point on that," Remus agreed.

Laughter came from the top of the stairs then, announcing Fred, George, and Lee's arrival who were all running forward, Fred hissing as they did that they'd taken it! Ron asked what,

"Oh keep up Ron," Sirius scoffed, his eyes lighting like a child.

"Oh I hope his brother's get it," James wriggled in place.

and George pointed out the Aging Potion of course! They'd only needed a drop, as it was only a few months till their birthday. Lee agreed if any of them won, they'd split the money three ways. Hermione still tried to warn them Dumbledore had prevented this, but she was ignored.

"Can't even blame them," Remus chuckled, he probably would have as well.

Fred stepped forward first, and didn't even hesitate as he jumped across the line.

All four boys felt like they were holding their breaths as well, fingers crossed that if they could pick their Hogwarts champion, one of the twins would be it!

It seemed to have worked, George certainly thought so, as he took to his brother's side and both pulled out a bit of parchment with their name on it. They hadn't taken another step forward though, when the area at their feet sizzled, and they were thrown back by an unseen force. It didn't quite end when they landed, as both sat up with long white beards on their faces.

Lily paused with an astounded look on her face, before bursting out laughing. Every one of them were quick to join in. It was a pity they hadn't made it, but glory it had nearly been worth it just for them to receive this lovely mental image!

Lily caught her breath back first, and had to read slightly louder than normal to make sure her rowdy boys could still hear her.

Everyone in the vicinity began laughing, and after the twins got a look at each other, joined in.

"The good ones always know how to laugh at themselves," Remus agreed, wiping a happy tear away as he still beamed down at the book.

Dumbledore appeared then, saying he had warned them, with a happy smile of his own in place. He told those surrounding him that the Weasley twins weren't the first to have tried, several others were already up at the Hospital wing getting beards removed.

"At least Dumbledore appreciates the attempt," Sirius sighed happily.

Fred and George went up there as well, accompanied by a still laughing Lee.

"There's the proper friend as well," James was still chuckling under his breath and made no attempts to stop soon.

Harry and his friends went in to breakfast then, finding the usual Halloween decorations.

All of their faces couldn't help but drop at the reminder, as so far Harry had a terrible track record of this holiday. That must end this year though, nothing this year had anything to do with Harry. Unless another troll got in, Harry should just watch the champions get selected and go to bed as excited as everyone else.

They'd hardly taken their seats when Dean and Seamus arrived, Dean announcing he'd heard that Warrington of Slytherin had put his name in.**

Sirius looked properly disgusted at the very thought, snapping, "no way would I go for a Slytherin being the face of Hogwarts. I'd go for Durmstrang first."

"You're such a prat," Lily snapped at once, eyeing him carefully to see if he really meant that.

"Ah he didn't mean it," James rolled his eyes, still not looking any happier himself as he grumped, "but I can't deny I won't be rooting for anyone who isn't a Gryffindor as well."

Lily had to fight down the impulse to whack them both over the heads.

Harry disagreed at once, saying they couldn't have a Slytherin champion.

"Thank you Harry, my point exactly," Sirius nodded, waving his hand towards Harry like that set his point in stone.

Remus lifted a pillow in one hand and gave Lily a questioning look, but she shook her head and he put it back down with a slight pout.

Harry was rubbing the bridge of his nose in clear agitation, as far as the others were concerned because he was trying not to laugh that he agreed with Sirius, but deep down he was fighting off word vomit that this wasn't going to be a problem, that maybe his dad had hit a little closer to the mark.

Seamus kept going by saying that all the Hufflepuffs were behind Diggory, but Seamus was just surprised he'd enter, putting his pretty looks on the line. Hermione wasn't listening, her attention on the cheering crowd back outside. Angelina came in blushing amongst the praise, taking a seat near them and declaring she'd just put her name in.

"Oh sweet!" James and Sirius cheered at once.

"Now she'll get my vote any day," Remus snickered.

Harry was practically beaming now, thinking that Angelina must be it! She made perfect sense with everything he'd been thinking, she was a Gryffindor and of course he'd be worried if one of his fellow Quidditch team mates entered! He dutifully ignored that there was no reassurance from his gut on that statement, keeping his mind blissfully ignorant of anything else now that he seemed to have slightly settled.

Angelina had just had her birthday last week,

"Good on her," Lily couldn't help but agree.

"Though it must feel like an injustice to the twins," Sirius said sadly. "It really does feel like they got cheaped out since they just didn't have a birthday in time."

The others just shrugged. Even if they did agree, they couldn't do anything about it.

and Hermione agreed all the Gryffindors were happy for her. Seamus definitely put in she was better than pretty-boy Diggory.

Harry could not stop the convulsion that caused him, drawing concerned looks from all around, but all he could offer was a weak smile in return and a listless shrug saying he had no idea what his problem was. Lily pursed up her lips for a moment, Harry really was starting to worry her as clearly something was deeply bothering him, but she knew better than to ask him about it.

Causing several Hufflepuffs passing their table to scowl heavily at him.***

"Why were they passing your table?" James asked in surprise. "They're at the opposite end of the hall."

"They were going to talk to some other Gryffindors down a bit," Harry murmured, clearly not distracted from whatever was bothering him.

Ron changed the subject by asking what they were going to do for the day, and Harry suggested they hadn't been to Hagrid's yet.

"It's October and you haven't gone to see him yet?" James balked, since this had seemed like a regular occurrence Harry's first and second year. The only reason they hadn't his third was because Harry hadn't actually been allowed to.

"We saw him during class," Harry defended, "and we had been really busy with school work."

Ron agreed, so long as they weren't expected to donate fingers to the skrewts.

"Your fingers should be safe," Remus smirked.

Hermione suddenly beamed as she realized she hadn't asked Hagrid about S. P. E. W. yet.

"Well this should be interesting," Sirius said honestly, as he'd never spoken to Hagrid on the subject.

They ate breakfast, but then Hermione demanded the boys wait for her as she shot up the stairs to go get her stuff. They were waiting around when Harry pointed out Ron's veela friend and the rest of Beauxbatons came in.

"I don't know if I'd call her a friend quite yet," James snickered.

"Let's see if we can't find out her name, then we'll move up to acquaintance," Sirius agreed with a grin.

The crowd watched as they all walked past, only stopping to drop their name in the fire. Every time someone did, the flames momentarily flashed red, then switched back.

"Least it didn't spit them back out," Remus chuckled at Harry's previous suggestion.

Ron asked what would happen to those who weren't champion, would they stay in support of their school?

"I can't imagine why they'd leave," Lily said in surprise. "They wouldn't ship them all back and leave the one on their own, plus I'm under the impression they're sleeping in how they arrived."

Harry suggested that as the heads were judges, the other students would most likely stay. When the Beauxbatons students were done, they turned around and headed back to the grounds just as Hermione arrived, and Ron was quick to trail after the French school who had parked their carriage not too far away from Hagrid's, and were climbing back inside. Their horses grazing in a makeshift paddock.

The boys either nodded or shrugged as they got their confirmation, they hadn't really been too worked up about the answer.

Harry knocked on Hagrid's door, who opened it with a beaming smile for them as he joked they'd forgotten where he lived.

"Oh yes, I'm sure that was the reason," Remus chuckled.

Hermione started to explain they'd been really busy, when she cut herself off in surprise.

"Err," James began, but Lily quickly read out what had Harry looking just as shocked.

Hagrid was wearing a hairy, and ugly, suit that still had mothballs on it and a clashing yellow and orange tie. His wild hair had apparently been tempted at taming, pulled into bunches in the back as if he'd first tried a ponytail, but then simply slicked back with grease. The three just stood there gaping at him, before Hermione seemed to decide not to say anything and instead asked how the skrewts were.

"No, no!" Sirius began waving his hands frantically to make sure Lily didn't try to avoid the subject as well. "You most definitely comment on this!"

"So, I think Hagrid's trying a new look," Remus said mildly.

"That about covered it," Lily agreed, looking like she was already going to turn back to the pages.

"You must be joking," James was now ogling the pair as much as the book. "How can you not want to talk about this?!"

"Leave Hagrid be," Lily gently scolded, "it's not like it's a real mystery, clearly Ron's not the only one who's been fetched by the French arrival."

"There's no since in laughing at him about it," Remus agreed, though his twitching mouth made it clear he was trying his hardest to follow his own advice.

James and Sirius exchanged pouting looks, but decided against arguing with the pair about it. Perhaps they needed to convince Remus to move, he was clearly getting too chummy with Lily over there agreeing with her so much of late.

Hagrid happily answered they were out by the pumpkins, growing larger every day, three feet by now.

Lily grimaced in disgust, maybe she would prefer to talk about Hagrid.

He was disappointed to note that they'd started killing each other,

"Oh no," Harry muttered with every last drop of sarcasm he had.

Hermione managed to say how sad this was, while shooting Ron a look that he clearly ignored as he tried to say something about Hagrid's hair.

"Those boys are so lucky they have Hermione around," Lily huffed, rolling her eyes at her own boys who were clearly still muscling down anything they wanted to say about it.

Hagrid clearly didn't notice, stating he only had about twenty left.

"So close," James said with a snap of his fingers, that coming out a beat too off from normal, but still rolling far easier than his previous attempts, so all of them pretended not to notice.

Ron agreed this was lucky, while Hagrid missed the sarcasm of that.

"Well maybe next time," Sirius offered.

Hagrid's cabin had always been warm and cozy, and they spent the day discussing with him all about the Tournament. Hagrid was just as excited for this as anyone.

"Oh I'm sure all the staff are," Remus agreed.

"They just have to show it a bit less," Lily nodded.

He kept dropping little hints that they were going to love this, then quickly trying to change the subject that he shouldn't mention anything.

"You weren't supposed to talk about Fluffy either, and yet," James rolled his eyes.

Harry gave his dad a nudge for that, they'd all admitted they weren't going to hold that against Hagrid.

The kids tried to convince him otherwise, but he just shook his head with a grin.

"Now where was this attitude in your first year?" Lily couldn't help but mutter an agreement with James.

Hagrid didn't want to spoil anything for them, but those champions were in for it. Hagrid never thought he'd live to see the Tournament be put on like this!

That gave all four of them an odd pause, as two of them realized they hadn't reached this age, that they should have been alive to be as impressed with this as Hagrid. They hadn't ever really forgotten per say, but it was a bit of a smack in the face all of a sudden to realize otherwise.

They ended up eating lunch at Hagrid's, which they regretted when he served beef casserole and Hermione found a talon in hers.

"Err," Remus said with genuine concern.

"What kind of beef-" Sirius began slowly.

Lily shook her head to indicate she hadn't the faintest idea, before continuing if looking a little green around the edges.

They decided they were done with food after that, but still spent the rest of the afternoon speculating what the champions would be up to, and wondering whether Fred and George were beardless yet.

Causing another round of snickering at that lovely reminder.

Rain started to patter down as the sun set, and Harry and Ron felt completely at ease as they watched Hermione argue with Hagrid now, as he flat out refused to join S. P. E. W.

"Well there you have it," Sirius said in absolute triumph as he smirked at Lily. "You know Hagrid would get behind anything that was being repressed, and yet here he is!"

Lily sighed as she ran her hand through her hair, still wanting to do some research of this on her own, but for now finally deciding to hatch away whatever her problem with Sirius was on this particular subject as she was so clearly outvoted. She must be missing something.

Hagrid was saying how it wouldn't be doing those house-elves any good trying to force what Hermione was saying on them, it would be insulting. Hermione pressed that Dobby was free, and he'd never been happier.

"There's the odd one in every bunch," Remus muttered, thinking he classified under that. Most werewolf's purposely set themselves away from society, never even bothered to try and get wands or make an effort to be around people unless it was for some gruesome ulterior motive. Remus' parents had tried to do that to him for most of his younger years until Dumbledore had arrived and convinced them to try otherwise. Who knew what would have happened to him if they hadn't, maybe he would have turned out like the others of his kind out there.

Hagrid agreed there was the odd one in every species, but most would refuse what Hermione was saying, and he wouldn't help her otherwise. Hermione did not look happy as she tucked her box away.

"It really should be telling her something that she can't get one person older than her behind this," James pointed out.

"Hopefully she'll realize she needs to look into what she's talking about a little more," Sirius agreed.

As dinner grew closer, Hagrid agreed he'd walk up there with them, but first he stepped over to his chest of drawers, and moments later they all plugged their noses from a terrible smell. Hermione choked as she asked if that was aftershave, and Hagrid blushed deeply as he muttered he didn't do cologne.

"Aww," Lily cooed, "that's adorable."

"So you get to say how nice it is he's doing that, but we can't compliment his hair," James pouted.

"As if you were going to," Lily shot back.

"Presumptuous, and hurtful," Sirius mock pouted, pressing his hand to his heart which still didn't cover the grin that made it perfectly clear Lily wasn't wrong.

At their faces though he did agree it was probably too much, and stepped outside to wash himself in a water barrel. As he was out of earshot, the three finally asked what was getting into him, but no one answered when Ron pointed out the window where Hagrid was more red than ever,

"Well he did just get caught washing in a water barrel," Remus chuckled, "I'd be red too."

while now talking to Maxime. Her students were just behind her, clearly they'd been stepping out to head up to the school as well, and though they couldn't hear what was being said, they did recognize the look on Hagrid's face as he spoke to the Headmistress. It was the same misty eyed look he'd gotten around his old baby dragon Norbert.

"Oh now you know he's in deep," Sirius couldn't suppress a giggle any longer.

"Poor blokes over the moon," James sighed, giving his own adoring look to his wife and child.

Lily blushed slightly in shock for a moment, but couldn't deny her pleased tone as she kept going.

Hermione was indignant at once though as Hagrid went off to the castle with her.

"Ouch," Remus winced on the kids behalf.

"I felt so loved right then," Harry rolled his eyes indulgently, not finding it in him to be too mad at Hagrid for this.

Without glancing back the two were chatting happily on their way to the school, Maxime's students having to sprint to keep up with their long strides. Ron finally stated the obvious, Hagrid fancied her.

"Thank you for that wonderful observation cupid," Lily giggled.

Adding on that if they had a baby, it would break records for weighing a ton.

Causing all five of them to crack up laughing. It wasn't really that funny, but the fact that this was Ron's first comment caused the reaction to burst out of them.

They left Hagrid's themselves then, and managed to run into the Durmstrang heading up as well, Krum in step with Karkaroff,

Lily made an agitated little noise, despite the few thing she'd seen, still wondering how much Krum used his fame to get favor from his headmaster.

the rest trailing behind. The Hogwarts students waited politely for their guests to step in first before following behind.

The Great Hall was set up for another feast, the Goblet of Fire placed in front of the staff table. They found a clean shaven Fred and George,

"I would have kept mine," Remus snickered, "glorious fashion statement it is."

seeming not to disappointed as they were wishing Angelina good luck.

"Same," they all murmured agreement, Harry with less conviction than he'd meant to as he was still fighting off something to do with this topic.

The Halloween feast seemed to take much longer than usual.

"Honestly, I would have had the feast after the Champions were selected," James pointed out. "Sort of a celebration to the lot of them."

Every student seemed to only be picking at the food, watching Dumbledore expectantly to see when he'd be done.

"James' point," Sirius agreed, "they would have loved that much more congratulating their champion."

Finally when the dishes were clean, Dumbledore took to his feet. The other heads of houses were watching him just as breathlessly, while Bagman was winking and waving at the crowd, though Crouch looked almost bored.

"Merlin, who can actually look bored right now," Remus demanded of nothing, sitting on the edge of his own seat in excitement for this news.

Dumbledore began to instruct that once the Goblet was ready, it would give him the name of the champion, who would then go behind the staff table to the adjacent room where they would receive first instructions. He waved his wand, and all the lights went out except the Goblet itself.

"Dramatic," Sirius hissed under his breath in the most mystical voice he could offer, causing his friends to start snickering again.

Every person present was vibrating with baited breath, many whispering it would happen any moment.

Harry couldn't help a bone deep shiver, wondering why he should enjoy these precious last few seconds. What on earth could be fixing to happen?

The others did notice, but they were all convinced it was just Harry being as excited for this as them.

Finally, the flames changed color again, and amongst the red sparks came one bit of paper shooting out. Dumbledore caught it, and announced the Durmstrang champion, was Viktor Krum.

"Bully for him," Sirius chuckled while all of them could only look mildly amused. It was Hogwarts they were really wanting to see! Though the fact that the esteemed Quidditch player had been selected, they couldn't deny interest of, as Sirius and James at least really would like to hear more about him.

The hall burst into cheers of applause as the Quidditch star slumped to his feet and shuffled off.

"Well he's clearly enthusiastic," Lily chuckled.

Karkaroff in particular could be hearing shouting jovially for Viktor.

Remus rolled his eyes, and he wasn't the only one. They were already rather agitated at Karkaroff's obvious favoritism of this student, even if they didn't have proof yet if the other appreciated it. Still, at least this time it was warranted.

The silence died down fairly quickly, and only a few beats later did it all happen again with the Beauxbatons student,

James let out a pitiful groan, why did Hogwarts have to be last!

Fleur Delacour.

Harry was relieved for only a moment as this name returned to him, though it only added to his wonder of why he'd think anything of the other schools champion. Even this brief distraction still didn't help with the terrible build up he was feeling in the pit of his stomach, telling him he'd better savor his life now.

Harry shouted in surprise it was the veela girl for Ron's benefit

"Oh wow," Lily said in only mild surprise, only being able to garner up about as much enthusiasm for her as Krum. Maybe even less so, they wanted to know the Hogwarts one already!

as she got gracefully to her feet and practically pranced out of sight. Hermione noticed the others from her school weren't as pleased, many of them had burst into tears at not being picked.

"Jeez," Sirius rolled his eyes.

"I don't know, considering what was offered up, I'd be pretty disappointed if I didn't get in," James shrugged.

When Fleur left, the thickest silence of all fell upon the room. Finally it was Hogwarts.

The three Marauders were wriggling with so much excitement it was getting hard for Lily to stay focused, they were all so intent on hearing who was going to represent their school no one really noticed Harry losing a shade of color with every word.

The Goblet flashed red for supposedly the last time, Dumbledore caught another strip of paper, and read out the name Cedric Diggory.

"Bollocks," James and Sirius pouted at once, leaning back into their seats with pouting lips. They'd really been banking on Angelina.

"Still better than Warrington," Remus sighed, his own mouth puckered slightly.

"Oh stop," Lily scolded them all with a snicker. "Just because Gryffindor didn't get in. At least we know Diggory's a good lad, it's nice to know he'll be fair in this Tournament. I've heard one too many stories about all the cheating that goes on during this thing."

One of the Marauders may have said something back, but then they finally seemed to realize one outstanding person hadn't spoken a word since he'd left Hagrid's, and all eyes turned to Harry to see him blinking spastically behind his glasses, his breaths coming out rather strangled, his lips trembling like he needed to say something but no noise was coming out.

The four of them exchanged almost frightened looks now, not one of them really wanting to comprehend what could be so bad about this. Their mind flickered back, and they suddenly remembered when Harry had first heard Cedric's name. At least this did explain some of Harry's behavior towards him, he would be worried about the Hogwarts champion in this dangerous quest, but this was still pretty bad for someone who was practically a stranger. Did something happen to him during the Tournament then? It was all they could come up with to explain how their boy was reacting.

Lily still hesitated, like she wanted to offer her son some comfort, but Remus waved her on with his own eyes watching Harry very carefully. They all knew by now it really was best to just push past and get to a new topic, rather than letting Harry linger on something too long that could hurt him.

Ron gave a cry of agitation, but it wasn't heard in the tumultuous noise made by the Hufflepuff table as they all got to their feet in a stampede of cheering while Cedric made his way past Dumbledore.

If Harry wasn't freaking them out so much, they all honestly might have joined in. Despite their initial teasing, they couldn't deny they were happy for the choice even if it hadn't been their first pick. Aside from the fact that they would admit they liked Cedric on principle considering how he'd been told to act after that disastrous Quidditch match against Harry, it was just nice to see the Hufflepuffs getting so excited over something.

Dumbledore congratulated all three champions,

Harry shivered so hard it made James and Sirius on either side of him startle, but while the two exchanged wide eye looks Lily still didn't want to stop until that look was off her son's face.

saying he expected them all to support their champions- but he was cut off, and no one needed to ask by what.

Lily looked up expectantly, like she was hoping that now Cedric was gone and something new was happening Harry might be getting better, but the opposite was happening. He was trembling nonstop now, his chest kept stuttering as his breaths hitched and he clearly wasn't taking in a word as they all asked what was going on.

Lily made to put the book down and go over to him, but Remus caught her and shook his head, looking imploringly at the book. Lily knew deep down it would be better if she just got whatever was bothering him out, but it didn't really get rid of her desire to be at her sons side when he was clearly so distraught either. She had to take a deep breath and one last protective look at her boy before she could finish.

The Goblet of Fire had flamed red again, and for the last time a piece of paper shot out of it.

'Oh, he's not.' James couldn't seem to swallow, his eyes darting from Harry to the book and back so fast it was blurring out everything.

One thought was running through all four of them. 'Why would the Goblet being going off again? It was supposed to only do that three times, right?'

Dumbledore caught it on instinct, and stared for a long time at the slip. The hall was deadly quiet as he whispered the name Harry Potter.

Harry sat there, too dumbstruck to realize there was no obligatory 'what?!' from the rest of his family.

HPHPHPHP

*A lovely fan, Queen Paddie, pointed out to me that s'mores were only an American food back in chapter 7, so I went back and changed it, but I just couldn't resist putting that in here now that I know.

** You know what I honestly would have loved to see though? If this had happened. Don't get me wrong, the Cedric plot line isn't bad, but can you just imagine if this had happened to a Slytherin? I can still imagine Harry sharing the tip about the dragon with Warrington because he'd still think it should be equally fair even if he didn't like the guy, I like to think Warrington still would have paid him back with the egg tip because he'll repay his debts even to a Gryffindor.

Then in the end when Warrington still dies, it would just be the biggest slap in the face for all the Voldemort supporters to realize that their precious Dark Lord had killed a pureblood as a spare as readily from his own precious house as any? Don't get me wrong, I'm a proud Hufflepuff and love my house getting some attention in this book, but I feel like that would have been a huge impact, even more than Cedric's.

***I've been trying to figure out the Hogwarts school tables for ages, and I think I'm overthinking this. If you go back and read the passage from the first book where they're first being sorted, Harry lays out the tables for you. Facing the tables from right to left, it's Hufflepuffs table on the far right, and then from that table on it's Slytherin, Ravenclaw, and Gryffindor at the end. This makes sense as Harry's said several times he's had to pass every table to get to his own, but contradicts that's it's said several times throughout the books the Slytherins and Gryffindors are at opposite ends, not just a house apart. Plus in the very next chapter, Harry says that he has to walk in between the Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables. Did the tables switch and this is a mess up on JK's part, or am I misunderstanding something? My suggestion is loose at best, so if I've got this wrong somehow, please correct me.

[diddlesanddoodles]

DEAD WALLS RISE - KERAL

The five men he’d brought were not the ones he would have wanted for the task, but there were two possible drop points and he would rather have the best make up one team and he take the cast offs. Among their number was an orphan, two whoresons, the son of a poor farmer, and a wretch who had fallen into hard times and had turned to petty theft for survival. They had all been branded criminals in the eyes of the Crown at some point. They were those pushed to the fringes of society. Men who had been dubbed worthless and cast out. Forgotten. They’d been given a choice, each of them. Serve their sentences, however long the term was, and move on with their lives or join the Blue Rangers. For those who chose to wear the blue, Keral had decided he was going to make something of them. They may have been content to be exactly what society thought of them, but he certainly wasn’t and certainly not under his watch.

Not everyone chose to wear the blue and in many respects, he understood why. Never would he have thought he would and when he passed on a much more respectable promotion of Captain of the guard, his poor mother almost disowned him. And rightly so. Though his brother had very little to say on the matter aside from a firm and old assertion that he was a “right fuckin’ idiot”. And perhaps he was. Keral had never been a man easy to read and he was not one to spend too much time on explanations. If folks found him confusing, that was their burden. Actions were louder than anything he could or would say. And there was still so much to do.

He and his five rangers waited at the far side of a bend in the road, just behind the cluster of trees and brambles. The moonlit night making them all but invisible in their blue colored coats. Their query had two possible routes. The south road or the east road. His money had been on the east road and so sent the second team south to stake out down that way.

A finger tapped him on the shoulder.

“That makes the hour, sir,” said a man beside him by the name of Ripley. His face was pockmarked and red and despite looking much like the village idiot, was very intelligent. Though he was illiterate and had left the school room by the age of six, he was quick on the uptake and absorbed and retained information with remarkable detail. From further up the road came the sound of cloven hooves against packed dirt and Keral grinned as the cart rounded the bend.

“Right on time.” Speaking to the men behind him, he said, “I want all of ye t’keep yerselves in check now. No rough handlin’. Don’t care if they bite ye fuckin’ fingers off. I want a smooth and easy extraction. Understand me, lads?”

“Aye, sir,” came their collective response.

“Alright then. Let’s go.”

There were two men sitting at the cart’s helm. The driver was older with long white hair and a clean shaven face, his loose jowls hanging off his chin like table cloths. The one beside him was younger, thicker, and meaner looking with a short sword across his lap. And behind them he could see the top of a third man’s head.

While four of his men got into position, he and Ripley stepped out into the road. He held his hand up to the cart’s driver. “Whoa there.”

The beast huffed as the old man pulled on the reigns, slowing to a stop, but did not say anything. Keral carefully walked up alongside the cart. “Good evening, sir.”

“Mm...’evenin’,” mumbled the driver. His younger companion was gripping the hilt of his weapon tight enough to turn his knuckles white. “What can I do ye fer, sir?”

“We’re conducting inspections this evening,” Keral replied, keeping his demeanor open and friendly. Almost apologetic in his tone. “We just need to check yer cart fer contraband. Then ye and yer boys can be on yer way. Won’t take but a moment.”

“How do we know you’re not just going to rob us?” demanded the young man with the sword. “If you’re looking for some sort of bribe...”

Keral held up his hands in a placating motion. “Whoa there, lad! Ye got me all wrong.”

“No,” he snarled. “I don’t think I do.”

“Quiet boy!” snapped the driver. To Keral he said, “We’re just bringin’ some onions to market sir. Yer welcome to sniff around.”

Keral nodded and made his way to the back of the cart. He made eye contact with the third man and it did not escape Keral’s notice how profusely he was sweating. Despite the night being pleasantly chilly.

“Go on and step down fer me, sir. The sooner I have my look, the sooner ye and yer companions may be on yer way.”

The man all but scrambled down from the cart, almost falling into the dirt, and stepping a few feet away. There wasn’t much inside the cart. Three crates, a hemp knapsack, and a few blankets. Pulling one of the crates closer to him, he could smell the onions, but he used the flat end of his knife to pop it open anyway and inside he found onions. Rotting onions, but nothing else. The second and third crates yielded the same results. The knapsack was filled with clothing and nothing else. He’d emptied out the cart, leaving it bare.

“As you can see, sir,” said the driver in an all too pleased voice. “All we have is some onions fer market.”

Keral eyed the man, deeply suspicious of his smug tone. Turning his attention back to the empty cart bed, he spent several moments staring at it and running his hands over the wood planks. Had they passed off the cargo to another team? Was this a decoy? He dipped down to peak underneath the cart. He came back up grinning.

The smug look of the driver’s face fell. “What?”

“Pretty ingenious of ye lads,” Keral said. “Can’t say I’ve seen this before.”

“What do you mean?” demanded the younger man.

Keral gave a one long and two short whistles and the four other blue coats stepped out of the shadows, surrounding the cart. “Please step down, gentlemen.”

The driver frowned and huffed indignantly. “I will do no such thing!”

Keral dropped his friendly tone and scowled at him. “Ye can get down on yer own or I’ll drag yer arse down.”

Still huffing, the old man complied at last and clambered down. His younger companion did so as well and with equal amounts of reluctance, never allowing his gaze to stray from Keral.

“Ripley,” Keral said, waving him over. “Help me with this. Grab a hold of that end there. Alright? All right now, lift and pull with me, aye?”

Keral placed his hands under the cart’s back edge near one corner and Ripley did the same with the other. They lifted and the false bottom of the cart clicked and as they pulled, much like a drawer, a secret compartment was revealed. It was nearly as wide and as long as the cart bed itself, but as they pulled it open, built in legs dropped down to help support it. The shallow drawer was lined with thick padding of straw and nestled within were ten humans. Young women. Their hands were bound together with shackles which were them bolted to the walls by a short chain. All of them seemed to be asleep, barely reacting as they were exposed to the air. Keral carefully reached down and propped one of the girls up to study her. She was limp in his hands and he used the crook of his finger to tip her head up so he could look at her face. Her eyes rolled listlessly in her skull and she moaned quietly.

“Drugged,” Keral remarked to Ripley. Despite it all, they were in good condition. Clean clothes, no visible wounds, and they appeared to be well fed and cared for. The oldest of them could not have been seen many years past twenty. The youngest perhaps seventeen. They were pretty little things and the implications made Keral’s stomach roil. Carefully, he laid the poor girl back down into the straw and though she was not sober enough to appreciate the gesture, he pushed back the hair from her face.

When he looked back up at the three men, his eyes were fire and hate. Before Keral could start in on them, the sweaty one shouted, fumbling for his purse, “We can pay you! We have money. S-silver! We can pay you in silver!”

He held out the black bag to Keral and the other two looked alarmed and irate.

“You damn fool!” the driver snarled and he reached out to grab the purse from his hands, but Keral snatched it first. It was heavy. Much heavier than it had any right to be. He pushed a finger inside and pulled it open for a peak inside. Glittering silver sparkled back at him and he dumped the lot of it into a hand. Fifteen silver pieces. A small fortune.

Keral looked to the four other rangers and gave a curt nod. All at once there was chaos as the four rangers descended upon the three men. Two of them were required to wrestle the short sword from the young man’s hand and after it was tossed away, Ripley slapped the irons onto their wrists. Keral stepped in front of them, taking a moment to study each one in turn as though burning their faces into his memory.

“We’re is the key?”

“What key?” huffed the driver.

“They key to the humans’ shackles.”

“We don’t have any fuckin’ key.”

“And who does?”

“I don’t know. Probably the fucker we were delivering the cart to.”

“And who’s that?”

“We weren’t given a name. Just an address.”

“Well, yer gonna be givin’ us that address. And the one where ye picked the cart up. If yer lucky ye’ll only catch a charge of kidnapping and smuggling. But If any one ‘a them girls don’t wake up from ye druggin’ ‘em, I’ll make sure yer all hanged.”

“We didn’t drug nobody!” snarled the driver.

“We didn’t know they were in there!” professed the sweaty one. “Gods above, we didn’t!”

“We just picked up the cart,” said the younger one, no longer puffed up with bravado now that he had been relieved of his weapon. “That’s all they were paying us to do!”

“And ye might be tellin’ the truth,” Keral replied. “Ye might not. But considerin’ how heavy this coin purses feels, I’m bettin’ ye had just a bit of an inklin’ just as to what or who ye were transportin’. No one pays three men fifteen silver to move crates of rotten onions in the middle of the night.”

The driver struggled against his irons and two of the rangers gripped his shoulders. “They’re just fuckin’ humans! Who gives a right shit?”

Keral sneered at the old man, resisting the urge to just punch him square in his face. “Funnily enough, yer King does. And so do I.”

“Since when were blue coats Silvaaran sympathizers?”

“Since I decided we were,” Keral replied tersely through gritted teeth. Looking up, he caught sight of the other team making their way up the road. When the target failed to show on their end, they had rightly decided to make their way to the second site. As they met, Keral waved over to the other team’s leader. “Come take these wretches to the castle, Dayne. Ripley, go with ‘em. Give yer report to Rheil when ye get back. Carter, Havish? Yer with me. We’ll drop these girls off with Gregis and head back.”

As the three men were dragged away down the road, swearing and cursing, Carter flagged him over to the back of the cart. “Sir? This one’s awake.”

Keral made his way back around and looked to where he’d been pointing. Sure enough, tucked up in the back corner was a dark hair girl with vibrant blue eyes that stared back at them with pure venom. She was shackled just as the others, but she had not been drugged and it only took Keral a moment to understand why. Beneath her kirtle, she was large with pregnancy with a belly so swollen that she was unable to sit up on her own with her hands bound as they were. She was curled up into the corner like a viper and had she not been gagged with a white piece of linen she would surely be spiting at them.  

“Well, fuck…” he said. Slowly, he walked towards her, but as he neared, she shrank back from him, angry tears beginning to pool in her eyes and she huffed heavy breathes through the confines of the gag.

“S’all right lil’ darlin’,” He said as he eased a hand closer to her. She flung her foot out to try and kick at him, but missed and only succeeded in rolling herself over so her back was to him. He allowed her to flounder for a moment, pitying her condition, and then helped set her back upright. Though she was clearly agitated, her body trembled against his hand and his heart break for the poor girl. With his free hand, reached back behind him to pull out the small knife from his belt. Upon seeing the flash of metal, the girl tried to scream and push away, flailing madly, but he curled his fingers around her shoulders and kept her still.

“Easy, lass. Easy! Not gonna hurt ye none. Just gonna get this damn thing off ye. Hold still for me. Don’t wanna cut ye by mistake.” She went rigid as he brought the tip of the blade to her face and carefully slipped it between the delicate flesh of her cheek and the fabric. With a small dip of his wrist, the blade cut through the linen and she spat the wad of it from her mouth, breathing hard. “That’s a lil’ better now, isn’t it?”

She stared up at him with seething hate, trying to shrug his fingers from her back and shoulders. “Don’t touch me!”

“If I let go,” he smirked, slipping the small knife back into its sheath. “Yer just gonna end up rollin’ away. As far as that chain’s gonna let ye, at least.”

She raised her bound arms and thrust her elbow back, striking the meat of Keral’s hand just under his thumb.

“Oi!” he barked. “Stop that.”  

“I said let me go!”

“Suit yerself,” he replied and obligingly released his hold. She felt back, but managed to keep herself from rolling, but it was a comical site to watch her struggle with her swollen middle making her movements difficult as she tried to right herself back up. In the end, she back herself once more into the corner, but used it as leverage to push herself into a sitting position.  

“Where are we?” she demanded.

Keral made a show of looking around. “…in the middle of the road looks like.”

She scowled at him.

“Oh, ye mean ye didn’t mean that literally?” He asked with mocking innocence. “Ah, well then yer about three miles from Westchester.”

The women continued to scowl and glare at him.

He returned her glare with an impish grin. “Doesn’t help none, does it?”

“Fuck you,” she spat.

“Hey now. That’s not the sorta words milady should be usin’ now.”

“I’m not your fucking lady! Bastard.”

“Pretty sure Dad and Mum were married by the time I came along.”

“Fuck off!”

“Easy, lass. Don’t be windin’ yerself up. Can’t be good fer yer lil’un there.”

She turned a bright shade of red and began to thrash against her shackled. “DON’T YOU TELL ME WHAT’S GOOD FOR MY CHILD YOU BLUE TITTED ARSE!”  

“Oh ho ho! Now I’m gonna have to remember that one,” he laughed and threw an amused look towards Carter. “S’quite a good one, eh?”

“Can’t say I’ve heard that one before,” he chuckled.  

Still laughing, Keral turned his attention back to the human. “What’s yer name darlin’?”

“I’m not your fucking darling.”

He leveled a flat glare at the girl and then sighed. Over his shoulder, he called out, “Havish. Ye got yer tools with ye?”

At his words, the woman seemed to freeze and all the fight and venom draining away to pure panic. The ranger checking on the beast’s condition answered back hesitantly. “...might be. Why?”

“Think ye could pick a lock this small?”

Keral did not miss the way the woman relaxed at that. Curious, he wondered what tools she thought he meant. The other ranger peered over the side of the cart at the shackle around the humans’ wrists and gave his captain a lazy smirk. “Fuck, I could just break the damn thing with my hands.”

“Not what I asked ye,” Keral replied, the barest hint of a warning to his tone.

Havish nodded and quickly said, “Yessir. I can.”

“Get to it then,” Keral replied, slapping the side of the cart and then gesturing towards the pregnant woman. “Leave her last.”

“Aye, sir.” Havish reached into his pockets and pulled out small roll of cloth. He rolled it out across his palm to reveal a lock picking set. He grabbed two of the tools and started at the farthest end of the cart. Carter held the shackled human’s arms up so Havish could work and it only took a few seconds for the lock to release and for them to move on to the next girl.  

“So what now?” demanded the woman, the vinegar of her voice having returned. “You’ve stolen us from some thieves and what? Gonna sell us off piecemeal? Line your fucking pockets with a few extra blood soaked coppers?”

“Coppers?” He laughed. “Woman, them three fellas my boy just hauled off in irons were paid fifteen silver just to deliver ye. Haven’t a clue what yer buyer actually forked over, but it’d have to be a few gold. At least.”

“Kidnapping is expensive work it seems,” she hissed.  

Leaning against the side of the cart, Keral idly scratched his chin. “Technically speakin’, we’re confiscatin’ ye. As under the terms of the law that gives me the authority to take possession of this here cart and everything therein, yer considered contraband.”

“Contraband?” she echoed dubiously.

“Aye,” he replied and huffed a small laugh. “But that kind of implies yer existence is illegal.”

“Oh, isn’t it?” she snapped back.

“Not accordin’ to the laws of Vhasshal.”

“So…what does that make us then?”

Keral turned his head so one green eye fell upon the woman. She was still scowling and coiled up, but she looked paler and her hands shook and there was a fine sheen of sweat across her brow. She was terrified. In a soft voice, he said, “Safe. Makes ye safe, lass.”

“…why should I believe you?” she demanded in a quiet voice.  

“Don’t matter all that much if ye believe me or not,” he told her. “Ye and all yer mates are still comin’ with us. But yer not doin’ yerself any favors workin’ yerself up.”

“Working myself up?” she spat angrily. “Do you have any idea what we’ve gone through?”

“Probably more than ye think. Ye ain’t the first human cargo we’ve confiscated and won’t be the last.”

“Then you should understand at least a little of why I’m so worked up.”

“Yer only scared ‘cause ye think we mean ye harm. But I won’t leave ye in suspense, girl. ‘Cause our only interest in ye is gettin’ ye away from scumbags like those three and getting’ ye some place safe.”

“You’re blue coats,” she said as though it was all the explanation needed.

“Aye, that we are. And that might’ve meant somethin’ else when the Blood King was on the throne. But I’m captain now and I serve his son. And for Warren, I enforce his laws and mandates. So we’re out here trackin’ down the monsters who would drug young women and chain them up to sell to some rich fuck with enough coin and influence to keep his disgusting proclivities hidden from the Crown.”

“Sir?” Havish said and Keral glanced over. “We’ve got all the shackles off.”

He nodded and stepped away from the cart, pointing to the woman. “Now her. Be gentle, lads. And careful. I have a feeling she bites.”

Much to his surprise, she did not struggle as Dayne grabbed her wrists and held them up for Havish, but she was still pale and trembling. When the shackles fell away, she took in a sharp inhale of breath as she struggled under her emotions. Her freed hands immediately went to cradle her belly.  

“So…” she said, addressing Keral without looking him in the eye. “You’re not letting us go, are you?”

“Not in the sense that I’m just gonna leave the lot of ye on the side of the damn road,” Keral replied. “No, we’re takin’ ye to a human village under the King’s protection. To see a man named Gregis. From there ye can decided if ye want to stay or go.”

Keral had his men redistribute the straw onto the top bed of the cart and used the blankets and clothes within the knapsack on which to lay out the still incapacitated humans. Keral balled up one of the shirts and stuffed it with plenty of straw. When he looked towards the dark haired girl, she was watching him with suspicious intensity. Without giving her much time to react, he swept her up from the corner where she’d wedged herself and laid her down into the makeshift cushion. She squawked indignantly at him, slapping his hand and scratching, but as soon as she sank into the straw filled shirt, she quieted down. But her glare was that much more severe for it.  

“You could have fucking warned me!”

“Aye. And I’m sure ye wouldn’t have make nearly so much a fuss if I had now would ye, hm?” he asked her with a raised eyebrow. He looked at the side of his hand at the thin red lines from where she’d scratched him and drew a breath across his teeth, waving his hand against the sharp pain. “Dammit, woman...”

“Bastard,” she snapped back, wiggling experimentally to see how much movement she had, but Keral had stuffed the shirt with enough straw that is effectively cradled her entire body and made movements, especially in her condition, extremely difficult. Which Keral’s knowing smirk told her had been the point.

“Just settle down, lass,” he said, pushing himself up onto the back of the cart so that his legs dangled off and his back was to her. “It’ll be a few hours till we get to the Hill Tribe. So try and get some rest.”

“Not a fucking chance,” she replied. “Bastard.”  

“Suit yerself,” he shrugged. Her twisted his body to look towards the driver’s seat as Carter sat himself down and Havish beside him. “We’re all set back here, lads.”

“Aye, sir.” The two of the echoed and with a firm snap of the reigns, the beast began to pull and the wheels began to turn and off they went.

Whatever drug they had used on the girls must have been potent. None of them stirred as they journeyed on, but Keral checked on them repeatedly to make sure they were all were still breathing. He could feel the dark haired woman’s eyes boring a hole into him as she watched. A little over an hour or so into their journey, he checked on the girls once more.

“Can’t have your breeding stock die before you can seed the field now can you?” the woman grumbled under her breath, but Keral heard her fine.

“That what they were usin’ ye fer?” he asked, not meeting her gaze. “So what, they throw some fella at ye and leave ye to ripen after?”

“Don’t act like you don’t know.”

It was then that he turned his gaze to her, his expression borderline angry. “There’s a mighty difference between the back hill hick keeping one or two captured humans tryin’ to make some easy coppers and whatever the fuck ye and yer mates are caught up in. This is organized. Thought out. Well funded. This fucker behind this ain’t no small fish, lass.” Keral glared at the woman. “He’s a fuckin’ whale.”

The woman seemed almost confused by Keral in that moment, but right as she opened her mouth to reply, she shuddered and gave a startled cry. There was a growing wet spot on the tawny fabric of her skirts between her legs and for a moment Keral stared, wondering if she had just pissed herself out of anxiety, but after half a second, realization struck.

“Well, fuck...”

……………………….

“Don’t touch me! You fucking stink!” the woman bellowed, trying to swipe at Keral’s hand, but not having the current flexibility to do anything. As he settled his hand behind her and help her sit up more, her body went rigid as another wave of pain hit her.

“I think ye have bigger things to worry about then my odor rubbin’ of on ye, woman,” Keral snapped. He looked up to see Havish starring back at them. “Go as fast as ye dare, lads.” To the woman he said, “And keep that baby in there, dammit. ‘Least ye want the three of our ugly mugs as yer kid’s god parents.”

“Fuck you!” she yelled, breathing hard.

“Aye, ye said all that already,” her replied. “Now stop tryin’ to fight me, dammit. I’m tryin’ to help ye.”  

“Just stop lying!” she cried. “I know you’re just going to kill us, so why waste your energy lying to me?”

Keral frowned.

“I haven’t lied to ye. Ain’t gonna do a damn thing ‘cept get yer sorry arse to a midwife,” he told her firmly. “‘Cause if that lil’ buggar in yer belly’s that eager to to make his escape, we’re in trouble. I don’t know a damn thing about childbirth and ye ain’t gonna be in much of a position to walk me through it I don’t think.”

“I almost believe you,” she panted. “Gods, you sound too stupid to be lying.”

“Ah well yer not glowing ray of maternal sunshine yerself, woman. Hope yer kid ends up just like ye so ye can enjoy yer lovely personality thrown back at ye fer years to come.”

He expected his quip to elicit some sort of smart ass response, but much to Keral’s chagrin, the woman burst into sobs. “Oi! Ain’t nothin’ to cry over. We ain’t relyin’ on my skills as a midwife just yet.”

Through her body raking sobs, he could just make out her words. “Please…please don’t take him…”

“What are ye talkin’ about?” he asked, daring to lean in a little closer to her. The body against his hand was pulsing with frantic energy as though fighting the natural desire to flee from a perceived danger and her body’s response to readying itself for childbirth. She was overly warm despite the coolness of the night air.

“Please don’t take my baby…I can’t lose another…”

“Who did they take, lass?” he said and then looked up to Carter and said quietly, “Pass me the canteen.”

“When they first caught us,” the woman cried. “They took my son, Theo. He’s only but three. They took him. They took all our children and we haven’t seen them since. Please…I can’t lose another son…”

“Not gonna take yer lil’un,” he repeated in the same even and gentle tone as he carefully pulled his hand from supporting the woman’s back. He used his small knife to cut a portion of one of the old shirts and then used one hand to twist off the canteen’s cap. “Ain’t no one gonna take ‘im from ye.”

He poured a small bit of water back into the cap, lowering it down and into the woman’s field of vision and she stared at it uncomprehendingly for a long moment. “Drink,” he ordered.

She didn’t off any insult or witty quip, but leaned closer and eager slurped as much of the water as she could stand. Only when she fell back into the cushion did Keral pull away. He poured water over the cloth scrap he’d created and squeezed the access out, letting the wind catch it for a moment and chill it. He folded it over and laid it across the woman’s forehead. She inhaled sharply as the touch, but a hand rose to press onto it, reveling in the cool cloth.

“...I’ll die if I lose another,” she sobbed quietly.

“This would’ve been one big waste fer ye to keel over on me,” he told her. “Whether ye truly believe me or not, we ain’t out here lookin’ to kill. Our jobs are to bring ye to Gregis safe and one piece. Meaning both of ye. Ye and yer lil’un. And yer mates. By tomorrow, yer gonna be in a warm bed with nice folks to look after ye and I promise, that baby’s gonna be nestled in yer arms. Safe, fat, and happy.”

The woman took in a long wavering breath and said, “...Iva.”

“What?” he asked.

“My name,” she replied. “It’s Iva.”

……………………………

Iva was delirious with pain by the time the Hill Tribe came into view and every contraction sent her screaming into the air so much so that well before they should have met any of the posted guards, one ran to meet them.

“What in all the bloody fuckin’ hells is goin’ on?” he demanded. Upon seeing their blue attire, he frowned. “Well?”

“We brought ye some waifs, Renton,” Keral answered from the back. “And this lass back here’s ‘bout ready to push this babe out any minute. Be a good lad and go wake Gregis and Sasha. Best have Nonna woken too. She’ll be right pissed if she found out about this later and wasn’t on hand to help. I’ve got ten all together and nine of ‘em were drugged.”

Iva let out another loud scream, her hand grabbing onto Keral’s sleeve as she rode out the contraction.

Renton peeked over the edge of the cart and upon seeing Iva, paled and quickly did as Keral bade and ran off to wake the welcoming party. “R-right!”

“We’re almost there, Iva,” Keral told her. “Just a bit more.”

By the time they arrived at the main gate, they had a whole assembly waiting for them. At the head of the group was a middle aged man, balding, with a short cut peppered beard and beside him was a sturdy woman still in her night dress and only a simple cloak over that. Gregis and his wife Sasha. A smaller woman of many years stood next to Sasha, clutching a tall walking stick. Two guards stood off to the side, watching over the procession with hawk like eyes.  

“Keral,” Gregis greeted as the cart approached and came to a halt. “What have you brought us this time?”

“Trouble,” Keral answered as he stepped down from the back of the cart. He reached back in and swept up Iva and the cushion, cradling the whole thing in his arms before lowering himself down into a crouch and placing her onto the ground.  

Two human men pushing a cart lined with blankets followed behind Gregis as did the small older woman, but she walked passed them all straight up to Iva and Keral.

“Sorry to have woke ye, Nonna,” Keral said. “But I knew ye would wanna be around to help with this one.”

“Right you were,” said the older woman with a smile and knelt next to Iva. “Tell me, girl. Are you in pain?”

Iva nodded, wincing and unable to speak.

Nonna nodded and reached out to grip the hem of Iva’s skirts. “I’m gonna check and see how yer doin’ sweetheart.” The white haired woman dipped down to peek under the skirts and jerked back up with a start. “Oh, this baby’s coming, lads,” she said. “Come one, let’s get her inside now before she drops him right here in the field.”

Moving with alacrity, the two men brought the push cart over.

“Careful of that one,” Keral said as Iva was guided to the much smaller cart and helped inside. “She bites.”

Nonna grinned up at him. “Oh, believe me lad. If ye had to push a baby out yer lower bits ye’d bite plenty too.”

For the first time that night, and more than likely the first time in quite a long time, Iva laughed.  

………………….

“In all likelihood they used milk of poppy,” Gregis said, watching his men carry the drugged girls into the village walls one by one. “It would explain why they did not give the pregnant girl any. But I will have the physicians look them all over. I expect they will be just fine though.”

“Aye, I suspected that what they used,” Keral replied. “Was worried they may have been too heavy handed and they’d overdose. But after seeing how much those men were paid to just deliver ‘em. Someone with deep pockets. They’re careful.”

“Any clues as to who it could be?”

“Not yet,” Keral said. “And it’s chaffin’ me to not have a lead.”

“I’d like to be there when you finally hang the bastard,” Gregis said with a snarl. “I always knew depravity was a bottomless pit, but I detest being continuously proven correct.”

Keral nodded in grim agreement.

“I was hopin’ to ask ye,” he said. “The group before last that Dayne brought in. All them lil’uns. Was there a boy named Theo among ‘em? Three years old, maybe four?”

Gregis took a moment to think. “There’s a little boy named Theodril. Four years old, I believe. Why do you ask?”

“Iva said the one’s who caught them initially took her son. She called him Theo. Might be her son they took. Not sure if any of the other girls had children taken, but it might be worth checking.”

Gregis nodded. “I’ll speak with the boy first light. It would be the most marvelous miracle if he was her missing son. We could do with a little less heartbreak these days.”

“After the girls have settled for a week or so I’ll be back,” Keral replied. “Maybe they’ll have remembered something that might give me a lead to go on. And to see how Iva’s gettin’ on.”

“She will be just fine,” Gregis assured him. “Both her and the baby will be in excellent hands.”

“Well, best be gettin’ back. Ripley’ll be giving his report to Rheil and I’ve a few things to add myself. If ye find anything our from the girls, let me know. As it stands, I’ve got the three bastards on kidnapping and smuggling and possibly a minor offense of threatening a Crown officer and a bribery attempt.”

“Bribery?” Gregis said with a grin. “How much?”

“One of ‘em threw his whole purse at me. Fifteen silver.”

Gregis nearly choked. “F-fifteen silver?”

“Aye.”

“I’m glad you don’t work on commission, Keral. Too expensive for my blood,” Gregis said, waving at the blue coat and walking back towards the gate. “If I have anything for you, I’ll send a messenger bird. I’ll say good night then.”

Keral nodded. “’Night. Let me know how Iva and that babe of her’s gets on will ye?”

“Will do.” The guards closed the village gates behind Gregis and Keral turned to Carter and Havish, patting them both on the shoulder.

“Good work tonight, lads,” he said. “Now lets get on home. I don’t know about ye two, but I need a fuckin’ drink.”

[swamplatibule]

Paramay Prompt Three! Para+Childhood

I HAVE BEEN WRITING THIS FOR FOUR MOTHERFUCKING DAYS NOW AND I HAVE NO REGRETS :DDDD

this has not been proofread it is 10 at night, I am exhausted, please accept my humble offerings

Damn, only prompt three and I’m already forced to reveal everyone’s tragic backstory oh well lol

Trigger warnings: Abuse, arson, su•c•de, death, homophobia, murder, gun mention

tw; death mention

Alright alright alright let’s fuckin goooo we’ll start off with Hollister, her childhood is no doubt the easiest to write since it’s basically been the same her whole life.

She never met her parents. She doesn’t know if they’re dead, or if they just decided they didn’t want a kid, or if something else happened, and she doesn‘t care. It’s not her problem. At least, she tells herself that, but she really isn’t 100% sure that it wasn’t somehow her fault. Poor baby.

She‘s completely grown up in the foster care system, bouncing from home to home. Hollister kept running away, getting caught, and being sent somewhere else. She’s also, guess what, a fucking genius with technology.

One time she tried running away and then erasing herself from the system. It didn’t work, but nobody realized that she’s tried to do it, so it’s fine, nothing went wrong.

A few weeks into her newest home, one of the other foster kids named Silas (who she’d been fast friends with) went missing days after developing a weird anti-gravitational power. And so she tried to find him. She stumbled across the Starwritten Society - when I say “stumbled across” I mean she followed a few very questionable leads on, like, conspiracy theory websites and shit and actually found something - and hacked into the archives, trying to find some sort of info.

Now, you can imagine the panic that caused in the Society. Complete lockdown. The Starwritten Society is top-secret, and nobody just hacks into the archives that easily. She didn’t actually find anything, one because she didn’t get time to look around before the security system actually started working and kicked her out, and two because Silas just wasn’t in the records anyway, meaning he’d disappeared some other way.

However, before she could go out looking for him, there were three agents knocking at the door, having tracked her location here. And you can imagine the looks on their faces when they saw that the person who had caused the mass panic that morning was none other than some kid with a computer that looked home-made.

Things happened, she asked to join because, y’know, fuck yeah secret society, paperwork was filed, and she got in. She’s currently the youngest trainee to join the Society in seventy-four years. Also, fun fact, they had to fill out the adoption papers and such, so she’s listed as the child of Director Iara Adams. Which isn’t that big of a deal, since literally every kid in need of adoption taken in by the Society is adopted under her name, and most have only interacted with her like once, but... it’s a cool world building detail I felt like I needed to add.

Anyways, ONWARD!!!

——————————————

tw; homophobia

Kennedy was born in a pretty influential family with very “traditional” values. They kinda suck, so we won’t get too into that shithole.

Each generation of that family has had like six kids, and every single time, one turns out to be lgbtq+ and gets ✨disowned✨because the parents are just kinda assholes. It’s just this never-ending cycle.

Suffice it to say, Kennedy - being a flaming bisexual and all that - got disowned when she was like twelve after one of her siblings outed her by accident. Her uncle took her in. Guess what? He had also been disowned! When he was fifteen!

And he also went on to become a very important person in the Starwritten Society, and when he discovered Kennedy’s complete genius with technology, he recommended her to become a trainee at 17 years old.

To be honest, Kennedy’s basically gotten the short end of the stick when it comes to characterization and fleshing-out. I have quite a few paras like that, sadly. I think I might make her a playlist sometime and let her be the main character for a while.

——————————————

tw: abuse, arson, su•c•de, murder, gun mention

Fox. Oh boy. Fox grew up in a very... tense household. His father started out pretty okay when he was a younger kid, but he slowly started getting more and more violent and controlling, to both Fox, his twin sister, and his mother.

Fox always had a very close relationship with his sister, Wren. You know that siblings meme? The “You are my sister, you are my brother, we are siblings and we care for each other,”? The were the living definition of that. They managed to keep a definite sense of humor and lightheartedness with each other, despite everything that had been going on.

They weren’t fine, but they had each other.

And then Wren went missing. There was a huge police search, but they didn’t find anything. Fox was fourteen at the time. That experience basically broke him, and he never saw Wren again.

A month later, he was coming home from school, got off the bus, and found the house in smoking ruins. His mother hadn’t been able to take his father’s abuse anymore, and she couldn’t see any way out. So she set the house on fire, killing both herself and her husband.

Fox, who was a mental wreck at this point, as almost anyone would be, was placed into the foster care system. He never stayed anywhere for longer than a week. His humor became a shield for him, an easy way to seem like he was fine when he wasn’t. After about a year, he ran away. And then joined the circus. Why, you ask? Because I said so; I grow these flowers and if you don’t like it then you can leave my garden

Fox was always a flexible kid. He’d been in gymnastics classes since he was five. And, as it would turn out, he was damn good on a trapeze. It wasn’t a very big circus, just some small family-run traveling one, but it gave him a place to stay and an environment that welcomed him, and that was good enough for him.

He was with the circus for about four years, up until he was eighteen, so technically this isn’t his childhood anymore, but I’m gonna keep going because I want to.

The Starwritten Society was following a lead on an underground lab somewhere around the place where Fox’s circus was performing. Kennedy was actually on the mission, although she doesn’t do many of those anymore after she got injured in the field and such and I’ll talk about that later. Anyway.

The team of agents who were on the search came across the circus, and figured it was as good of a place as any to try and find the person they were looking for, Eleanor Sylvidas. She was actually in the crowd watching, and there was a confrontation after the show. Fox went to check it out, being the one generally in charge of telling people to cool it whenever small fights broke out between customers, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do in a situation where both parties happen to have guns pointed at each other. Especially when Eleanor pointed her gun at his head and told the agents that if they didn’t back down, she’d shoot him.

That wasn’t exactly something that happened to him on a day-to-day basis.

Of course, a fight broke out. Actually, Fox made the first move, he literally tried to snatch this woman’s gun out of her hand. It didn’t work, but the shot she took at him definitely missed, and then there was a very chaotic fight scene and Eleanor ended up losing and got arrested. Course, they still had to find the lab so they could get the kids out of there. Fox was very helpful in that aspect, too.

Once the mission had been completed, he was offered a place as a trainee in the Society. Those who were there will say that the offer was accepted immediately, but he was actually a bit reluctant. He made the choice to go, however, and it proved to be one of the best decisions he’s made.

——————————————

tw; abuse, violence, gun mention

Wilson. Where do I start? He has trauma, definitely, although so does practically everyone who works with the Starwritten Society.

See, Wilson is actually one of the people who were rescued from labs as children, but there are two things that sets him apart from others.

1. He wasn’t kidnapped at birth or after he developed abilities. He was literally created in a lab, which has led to a lot of self-doubt due to being raised to believe he wasn’t “natural”.

2. The Society aims to rescue all powered children from labs as soon as possible, and since many of them are kidnapped at a young age, they try to get them out at least before they turn 10. Wilson wasn’t found until he was a bit older than 17.

He wasn’t even given a name while he was in the lab. He was just “Project Firebird”, with abilities including fire and heat manipulation, as well as immunity to those two things, plus flight and enhanced strength, speed, and stamina. Wilson was made for the sole purpose of being a weapon.

The person running the lab? An absolute fucker of a man named Alastor Killigan. Him? I cannot put into words how much I hate him. He just really fucking sucks, and not in a “loveable bastard“ way. I honestly wish I could physically teleport into my daydreams just to set this bitch on fire.

Anyway, he’s running this whole operation. He’s got guards, he’s got other scientists who he may or may not have blackmailed into helping him, he’s got people who work for him. And this isn’t the first time he’s done this. That’s right, Grey isn’t the first time he’s tried to weaponize a kid. He got caught by the Society last time, but escaped, and now he knows that he has to keep moving around constantly.

So the first 17 years of Grey’s life were just constant training and experiments and tests and moving around and being raised to believe that he was a literal monster and wasn’t worth anything if he wasn’t a weapon. Fucked up, right? But, see, the Society had no idea he existed. They found the lab kids through keeping tabs on recent kidnappings and disappearances. Grey wasn’t on any of those lists. The only people aware of Grey’s existence were Alastor and the people working for him.

In fact, the Society only found him by chance. They managed to track Alastor’s location and find him to arrest him, and they found Grey while they were doing that. There was a huge fight, but Alastor lost, and Grey got rescued. Things were looking up.

Because the Society legally adopts all the orphaned kids they take in, Grey needed a name. He also just needed a name in general. The lady filling out the papers told him he could just pick something, and he panicked. He wasn’t used to being allowed to make his own decisions. There was a plaque on the wall with a list of people who’d been top agents in the past, and he just read one of those.

Grey Wilson.

So, y’know, that‘s why it says he was a top agent in 1937. Just a heads up.

Have I talked about the Society’s different departments yet? No? Maybe I’ll do that later, but anyway - one of the divisions is basically therapy, because some of these kiddos have severe trauma and need help. Grey worked with a woman named Mags for a few years, and then started training for the High-Risk Rescue department. He was taking charge of his own future! Yayyyy!

Oh yeah and then Alastor escaped - again, and Mags went missing on the same day and it was presumed Alastor killed her on his way out, and Grey hasn’t seen either of them since. He’s been working in the Society for about 22 years now, trying to make sure that nobody goes through what he has. He decided early on that he didn’t want to use his abilities again, ever, and it’s become his personal secret, with very few people knowing.

[hiddlestoned4ever]

Drawn Between Worlds - Dr Strange/Loki x Reader

(Chapter 1) (Chapter 2) Chapter 3 (Chapter 4 coming soon!)

Words: 4794

Warnings: None

You can't say Thor was pleased with what happened next: Odin ordered Einherjar Lieutenant to take Jane away while Thor tried to reason with his father to let him take Jane to the Dark World to draw Malekith out, but Odin won't hear of it.

Afterwards, Thor disappears to speak to Heimdal and his friends about a plan to make an escape instead.

Meanwhile, downstairs, in the only cell that's not broken, Loki is sitting calmly, reading a book. From outside, a guard approaches. He speaks about what happened to Frigga. Loki nods and the guard leaves. Slowly, the God rises up, puts the book down, turns around and clenches his fists so everything in his cell magically gets thrown aside. His breathing becomes heavy and his expression filled with anger. With the same slow pace, he turns back around so he faces the corridor again.

"I'm sorry," you say quietly and calmly.

Loki's reflects make him spin around and his eyes widen when he sees you standing inside his cell. Narrowing his eyebrows, his head lowers a little.

"What are you doing here?" His tone is surprised and somewhat unwelcome.

"Missed you too," you reply sarcastic and he straightens up. "I didn't plan to come here, it just sort of happened without my control."

"No, I mean what are you doing here? In this cell."

You suddenly find yourself incapable of answering him and just stare at him instead. Apparently, your presence at Asgard doesn't seem to interest him at all. It's why you came to see him that does. He begins to move around: his long steps, the twitch in his face, clenching of his fists. It reminds you of a panther, lurking around in the bushes, waiting to spring forward and attack his prey. His raven black hair is longer and more wavy than last time. His blue eyes still feel like they're able to bore their way inside you, revealing your deepest secrets to him.

"How did you even get here- Oh... So Thor went back to Earth. What for?"

At this, you don't know what to say. Thor told you before he let you visit Loki to be careful with what you say to him. He can take anything to mind and use it for his own good in a later situation.

You open your mouth but it takes a seconds before you say anything. "...I thought you might want some company," you say, trying to steer the conversation back to the start. "Now that you know about-"

"You think I want to share grief? With you?" he hisses back, taking a step in your direction.

"I know how it is. My mother was murdered too."

The blue eyes are now searching you to see if you're speaking the truth. When he seems to have found nothing that tells him you're tricking him, his expression gets softer. It seems alright to continue.

"I was twelve. She... she was shot by a man that had broken into our house. My dad was asleep until he heard the shot. He ran downstairs, saw my mother in a pool of her own blood. The burglar had run off. I was so determined to get my revenge, but eventually, I asked myself what's the point? Chasing after someone just to hurt them the way they did me. It wouldn't bring my mother back. Therefore, I took another decision. Working at a hospital to help save people. I couldn't save my mom that night so I wanted to help others."

You take a break to see how Loki reacts to it, but when he just stands still, you keep going. "I know that you most likely seek revenge on the elf that killed Frigga, but it won't bring her back."

"This is Thor's doing, isn't it? What other reason do you possibly have for being here?"

"Because I have an unanswered question," you tell him and he narrows his eyebrows.

"And what is that?"

"Back in New York, you could've let me fall but you chose to save me. Why? I didn't think you cared about anyone, least of all people who stand in your way."

"I don't," he says sharply.

"Then why?"

He's beginning to close the gap between you and to show him that you're not intimidated by his quick steps you stay still. He abruptly stops less than a meter away from you. Without breaking the contact, without blinking, he growls right to your face.

"Do not think I have some sort of concern for you. I don't get emotionally attached to others. So whatever you came here for, forget it!"

Staring into his eyes, he has shut out everything that's called emotions. His expression is emotionless, eyes burning with fire. You take a big breath as you find it hard to keep looking into them.

"Shutting out the grief and pretending you didn't care about Frigga won't make it easier," you tell him while lower your sight from his eyes to his lips, jaw, then to the V opening that reveals the upper skin of his chest. Then, you go back up. That short break made it possible to take a breath again.

"You don't know anything about me," he snarls and passes you so you have to turn after him. "Why do you even care? I attacked your planet! I fought against those pathetic people you call friends, I made your city bleed!"

"You know, you have Hulk's temper. I'm just glad you don't turn into him as well."

He now glares at you like you're crazy trying to be funny at this moment. You shake him off as you realize this visit turns out to be hopeless. But there's a part of you that won't give up on him. Not yet. It doesn't seem like Loki knows why you're still here either according to the confused look on his face.

"I don't need your sympathy or anything else. Just get out," he says with low voice and points towards the stairs outside.

"Why do you hate me so much? It's not like I'm trying to take over Asgard. Or maybe it's not about me," you mumble, wondering if there's more to it than just his desire for power. When he doesn't seem to want to answer, you sigh. "Fine. Have it your way. I'll go. But as far as I understand, you're concerned. Thor told me that Odin has disowned you, locked you up with no hope of reconciliation or rehabilitation. Perhaps you feel like trying to repair the damage is hopeless. For a short moment, I got to speak to your mother. She still believed in you. And I presume she brought you all this," you say with spread arms. "Didn't know the God of Mischief likes to read." You give him a little smile. "She didn't want you to spend the rest of your long life in here. You've got centuries left! The Loki I met on Earth would never use that time in a cell."

"Stop it," Loki warns.

"I get that you're mad at Odin... at Thor, but he wishes it was different too." You take two steps closer. "He just wants his brother back."

"Enough!" Loki yells and reaches out a hand towards you but as soon as it should come in touch with you, your body starts to dissolve in the air.

For the second time this day, Loki's visitor was just another illusion.

You gasp as you open your eyes in the chamber after your hologram disappeared from the cell. A tear is rolling down your cheek that you quickly wipe away as soon as you hear the doors burst open. Thor walks in, not seeming to notice the upset look on your face.

"How did it go?"

Narrowing your lips, you shake your head. "Worse than I thought."

"Why? What did he say?"

Turning your head to him, you reply, "I think there's something he's not telling us."

* * *

In the following hour, Thor had explained the plan of escape to you. Then, he went to get Loki out of the prison because he's the only one who knows about a secret passway now that you can't travel by the Bifrost after Odin shut it down.

You're standing with Jane and Sif while waiting for the two brothers. When they arrive, you give Loki a slap in the face to which surprises the others.

"That was for earlier," you tell him.

Then, Jane gives Loki another hard slap in the face. "And that was for New York." To this, Loki chuckles.

As you start to make your way towards the Malekith's ship in the great hall, you pass Volstagg who's gonna give you as much time as he can. When entering inside it, Thor looks at the controls and starts pressing some buttons, looking unsure of what he's doing.

"I thought you said you knew how to fly this thing," you say a bit concerned.

"I said how hard could it be."

Meanwhile, the Asgardian guards rush towards the ship with Volstagg standing guard in front of it.

"They're on the ship!" One of the guards shouts to the others. As they approach the ship, Volstagg starts attacking them.

"Well, whatever you're doing, brother, I suggest you do it faster."

"Shut up, Loki."

Outside the ship, Volstagg continues to battle with the Asgardian guards while back in the ship, Thor continues to frantically press every button there is to get the ship started.

"You must have missed something," you say while looking at the panel. not really having a clue how to start a spaceship.

"I didn't, I'm pressing every button on this thing."

"No, don't hit it, just press it gently," Loki says from Thor's other side.

"I am pressing it gently." He then pushes harder down on the buttons. "It's not working!"

With one more hit, the ship suddenly comes to life. Thor laughs while you and Loki look at each other, him holding a strict face while you move the corner of your lips up in an amused smile. On the outside, Volstagg is now overrun by the guards but he starts laughing as they watch the ship starting to rise, hitting almost all the columns of the palace on your way out.

"I think you missed a column," Loki comments, making you bite your tongue to prevent yourself from laughing.

"Shut up!"

Finally, the ship breaks through the palace walls and takes off.

"Look, why don't you let me take over, I'm clearly the best pilot."

"Is that right? Well, out of the two of us which one can actually fly?"

As you are flying over Asgard, Jane suddenly collapses. The three of you bend your heads towards her.

"Oh, dear. Is she dead?" Loki asks.

"Jane?" Thor's worried voice makes her lift her head. She looks weak. The Aether must really feed on her strength. You kneel beside her to make her lie more comfortable.

"I'm okay," she mumbled, her head going back down and eyes closing.

You return to Thor's side just as the ship hits and breaks off a part of a column and since neither you nor Loki is holding onto something, you lose the balance for a brief moment, but you both stay on your feet.

"Not a word," Thor warns his brother.

Several smaller Asgardian ships now start to follow after you. "Now they're following us," Loki says right when the ships start firing at you. "Now they're firing at us!"

God, he's like one of those commentators on TV sports games. You roll your eyes at him although you do find it entertaining everything considered.

"Yes, thank you for the commentary, Loki! It's not at all distracting!" The ship then hits a massive stone monument of King Bor, breaking the head off.

"Well done, you just decapitated your grandfather."

You put a hand over your mouth as you gasp and try not to laugh again. The smaller ships follow after and fire at you as you're flying over Asgard. Can't exactly say your days are boring anymore.

"You know, this is wonderful. This is a tremendous idea. Let's steal the biggest, most obvious ship in the universe and escape in that. Flying around the city, smashing into everything in sight so everyone can see us. It's brilliant, Thor! It's truly brilliant!"

Getting tired of Loki's comments, Thor suddenly pushes Loki out of the ship as he had opened one of the doors. Or the reason is quite a bigger one because next, he picks up Jane and turns to you.

"Ready?"

"I don't want to stand before your father in chains so yeah I am," you say and jump out, followed by Thor with Jane in his arms. In the air, you position yourself so that it will hurt less. You roll over as you hit a smaller ship that's being flown by Fandral. Thor lands on his feet shortly after.

"You lied to me. I'm impressed." Loki groans while getting up.

"I'm glad you're pleased. Now, do as you promised. Take us to your secret pathway."

Loki smiles and takes over the ship's control, at the same time as the Asgardian ships spot you and start firing again.

"Fandral."

"Right." Fandral picks up a rope and steps onto the edge of the ship. "For Asgard." Then, he jumps off the ship and uses the rope to swing onto the Asgardian ship following them. "Nothing personal, boys!" He knocks out the three guards on the ship then looks over to Thor and salutes him.

On Fandral's ship, Loki takes you towards the mountains. Your eyes widen as he's directing directly right at them.

"Loki!" Thor shouts nervously.

"If it were easy, everyone would do it."

"Are you mad?" you yell.

"Possibly," the God of Mischief smiles.

Thor holds on to Jane and you onto the railing as Loki heads straight for the wall of the mountain. Suddenly, you enter right through it in an opening that barely fits the ship, and then through a portal to Svartalfheim. "Ta-da!" Loki says in a singing like voice as you fly over Svartalfheim, Jane continues to lie down and Thor puts a cover over her.

You straighten yourself up and slowly take an overview of the new landscape. It's dark, empty, only rocks and hills as far as your eyes can see.

"What I could do with the power that flows through those veins," Loki mumbles beside you and you follow the look of his eyes down on Jane.

"It would consume you," Thor comments.

"She's holding up alright. For now."

"She's strong in ways you've never even know."

A brief pause follows while the ship floats steady and slow.

"Say goodbye," Loki says genuinely.

"Hey!" You elbow his arm and he casts his eyes on you.

"Not today," his brother answers.

"This day, the next. A hundred years is nothing. It's a heartbeat. You'll never be ready. The only woman whose love you prised will be snatched from you." Loki's words make you look up at him from the side.

"And will that satisfy you?"

"Satisfaction is not in my nature."

"Surrender is not in mine."

"The son of Odin."

"No, not just of Odin! You think you alone who loved mother? You had her tricks, but I had her trust."

"Trust. Was that her last expression. Trust? When you let her die!"

"What help were you in your cell?"

"Who put me there? Who put me there?!"

Thor grabs Loki. "You know damn well!" He raises his fist to punch Loki, but now you interfere with their brotherly argument. 

"Stop! This is to no good. You two have to put this behind you for now and focus on what's ahead. Malekith might be here already."

Thor slowly lowers his hand and lets go of Loki. "You're right," he says to you before moving to Loki again. "She wouldn't want us to fight."

"Well, she wouldn't exactly be shocked," Loki says and the three of you smile shortly. This, right here, is how you wish it was between the two of them all the time.

"I wish I could trust you," Thor says before he turns his back to the two of you.

"Trust my rage," Loki mutters under his breath. You hear it, but don't say anything. You wish you could trust him too because you so badly want to, even after everything he's done.

Suddenly, Jane's eyes open. She rises and looks ahead.

"Jane," Thor says calmly and kneels down beside her. She looks over at him with wide and tired eyes before gazing ahead. In the distance, Malekith's ship is visible.

"Malekith."

Hesitatingly, you lift your eyes up at Loki without moving your head much. He meets you halfway. Every time he looks at you, not angrily, but like this. Soft. It's so different from the Loki you met in New York and you really hope there's still some good in him. Maybe he just needs some help to bring it back up to the surface.  

After landing the ship, you walk over to a cliff where you can see Malekith and his ship ahead.

"Alright, are you ready?" Thor asks. Jane nods her head.

"I am," Loki replies.

"You know, this plan is going to get us killed," you sigh and Loki looks at you in the corner of his eyes.

"I am sorry that I have dragged you into this. I promise, when we're done here, I'll take you back to New York."

To get on with it, Loki holds up his shackled hands for Thor who stares at him with question and worry.

"You still don't trust me, brother?"

While Thor uncuffs Loki's hands, he gives him a strict stare. "Would you?" Both brothers turn to the sight ahead of them.

"No, I wouldn't," the younger brother says right before he stabs Thor with a dagger and pushes him so he rolls down the hill. Loki jumps and follows.

"Thor!" "No!" Jane shouts and starts to run after them. You follow in her heels.

"You really think I cared about Frigga, about anybody?" He stops by Thor and kicks him hard in the stomach. "All I ever wanted was you and Odin dead at my feet!"

You hurry the fastest you can towards them as Malekith and some of his army come from the other direction. Thor raises his hand in an attempt to summon Mjolnir, but Loki uses the dagger to cut off his hand which makes Thor scream in pain. Jane rushes over but before she reaches him, Loki grabs her and holds her tight. You stop just beside him.

Loki speaks to the Dark Elves who now have arrived at the scene. "Malekith, I am Loki of Jotunheim and I bring you a gift!" He throws Jane down on the ground in front of Malekith's feet. "I ask only one thing in return, a good seat from which to watch Asgard burn."

Algrim, the elf from the prison in Asgard and who killed Frigga, explains to his master that he saw Loki in Odin's prison so that way Loki's words get taken for truth.

"And you?" Malekith says, pointing at you.

"She's with me," Loki says quick, almost defending.

"She tried to stop me."

"I had to play my part. I came to Asgard to get Loki out of prison. What happens to the rest of the realm it's not to my interest." You tried to speak with as much conviction as you could manage and just hope he would take your word for it.

Without responding to you, he walks over to Thor who's squirming in pain on the ground. "Look at me." He uses his foot to turn him over, then he raises his arm, making Jane rise up in the air.

This is it, you think. He's gonna extract the Aether from her just as Thor said he would. The three of you look up as the Aether leaves her body. Once it's fully out of her, she collapses to the ground.

"Loki, now!" Thor shouts, raising his arm as Loki undoes the magic so his hand comes back and Mjolnir immediately responds. Then, Loki pushes you down next to Jane, followed by himself. He uses his body to shield you as Thor shoots lightning at the Aether, attempting to destroy it.

However, the plan fails. Malekith is still able to absorb it and turns on his heel towards his ship while two elves start to attack Thor. Taking them down quickly, he flies by his hammer after Malekith, but Algrim stops it by pushing Thor many meters away. Over to you, Loki gets up while you help Jane up.

"Are you alright?" you ask her.

From a distance, after Algrim has buried Thor under a stock of big rocks, he throws one of his vortex weapons towards you. Loki manages just about to push the two of you out of the way as it opens in the air and instantly tries to drag Loki into it. Luckily, Thor gets out of the pile of rocks, flies to his rescue and pulls him out.

With another attempt, Thor tries to reach Malekith before he disappears but is again stopped by Algrim. You get Jane out of danger before joining Loki to take down some other elves one by one.

On the other hand, Thor has some trouble when Algrim beats him down. Seeing this, you let Loki finish off where you are so you can go and help Thor. On the way, you pick up one of the dead elf's sword. Not that you think you can take this guy alone, he's quite big and strong. Coming from behind him, you stab him in the back, but not hard enough. He spins around in one quick move, arm stretched out in the process. You manage to duck before it would've sent you flying several meters away. Taking the chance, you cut his leg and roll over so he doesn't get to grab you either. Thor is on his way up, throwing Mjolnir at Algrim in the meantime, hoping it will give you a few seconds, but the elf senses it and slams the hammer back to its owner. Again, you try to use the sword to hurt him, but he turns just before and his arm hits your stomach.

With a grunt, you crash land on your back out of breath. He stops in front of you and is ready to pierce the sword through you.

Suddenly, the elf gets impaled from behind, a spear going right through him. You lay still, holding your breath as Algrim slowly turns to face Loki. With a quick pull, Loki gets dragged towards him so the spear goes right in his chest.

"No!" you and Thor shout at the same time.

With a push, Algrim shoves Loki off so he lands on his back with a grunt beside you. Loki lifts his head a little. "See you in hell monster." Algrim then realizes that attached to the blade in him, is his own vortex weapon. It explodes before he can do anything destroying him. Thor then rushes over to his brother.

"No, no! Fool, you didn't listen!" He kneels down and holds around him.

"I know, I'm a fool. I'm a fool!" Loki squirms in pain.

"Stay with me, stay!" Thor begs him. You lean up on your elbow closest to them.

No, he can't die. You don't understand why he's affecting you this much. It's not like you've known him for years, and the times you've met him he's been an utter ass. A villain. However, you tend to try and focus on the good side in people, and you have seen good in him. Both in the act and in his eyes. He just saved your life for the second time. The good may not dwell so deep inside of him as you thought. 

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry..." Loki's words turn to whispers and Thor holds around him. He shushes him and nods his head.

"It's alright. I'll tell father what you did here today."

"I didn't do it for him."

You feel yourself starting to cry. Maybe he already is leaving the bad wolf in him. If only this didn't have to happen in order for him to do so. Slowly, Loki turns his head a bit to look at you. Carefully, you crawl on fours to get closer, ignoring the pain in your torso.

"Loki..."

He doesn't say anything. He doesn't have to because his eyes speak for him. They're filled with sorrow and guilt. Then, it all disappears as his eyes close and his skin turns pale. Your mouth open and you cover it with a palm as you try to hold back the tears.

"No!" Thor screams in mourning.

You sink back down on your arm and lower your head. It was unbelievable. After this long time, when you got to see Loki again, he dies within a couple of hours. You hoped it was a trick, that he would just jump up and laugh at all of us. But he doesn't. He just lies there, completely still, eyes closed, the pale skin making it look like he's been dead for a while. Thor moves his eyes on you and you see the tears in them, as he must be seeing yours. But it doesn't matter. 

*  *  * 

The three of you quickly walk to find shelter as a storm is approaching. You feel bad for just leaving Loki out there, but it would've slowed you down if you were to bring him with you.

Entering a cave, you look confused around. There is stuff everywhere. Mostly shoes and empty cans.

And all of a sudden, Jane's phone starts to ring. Turn out it's someone she met the other day. Looking at your own phone, it's low on battery, but it pops up lots of messages and calls from Tony. Deciding it's better to inform him when you're back in New York, you put the phone back in your pocket.

Apparently, Jane knows how to get to Earth, so you and Thor follow her deeper into the cave when you abruptly get a weird feeling and when you see clearly, you're back to the place where the scene with the policemen took place.

"How?" you ask, but the other two are more focused on where Malekith will end up. Following them to Jane's car, Thor turns to you.

"Go home. We will take it from here."

"But I can help-"

"Not this time. It's not your fight. After what happened to Loki... You've been in enough danger."

Before you get to protest, he rushes into the car. "I hope our paths will meet again, in a more decent matter!" he calls to you as Jane drives away and you're left alone.

Not coming up with something better, you take a cab back to Stark's place. Once you arrive there, you lock yourself in and is greeted by Jarvis. He tells you that Tony has been out all day looking for you. He asks if he shall contact him for you to which you thank him for. Your legs start to shake and you feel like passing out any second. Dropping down on the couch, you close your eyes in an attempt to get some rest, but the vision when Loki got killed keeps interrupting. Eventually, the emotions take over and you sit there, crying with your head in your hands.

It doesn't take long before a well-known voice is heard. Must've been only ten minutes or so since you got here.

"Y/N?"

In the room, comes a jogging Tony. He stops when he sees you. Your hair is messy, your clothes dirty after being in the Dark World. You raise your tearful face up at him.

"My God, where have you been? What's happened?" he comes over and you immediately embrace him. It feels really good to be in his presence again. One of his hands holds around your back while his other stroke you down your hair. "Shh, it's okay. It's gonna be okay," he says comfortingly. You cry on his shoulder and he lets you take your time. When he isn't Mr Stark the billionaire, or Iron Man the saviour, he's Tony, the caring guy. A side of him he rarely shows in public.

"You got me worried sick." He hugs you tighter and kisses the top of your head. Eventually, you pull away but he keeps his grip on you and removes the strings of hair from your face.

"Tell me what happened."

-------------------------

Tags: @harrymewmew @markusstraya @fire-in-her-veinz

[maraudersandlily20]

That Day at the Potters

She was bored. James was at Quidditch practice, Sirius and Peter were in detention for hexing a Slytherin boy, and the girls were in the great hall, tutoring some third years for their transfiguration course. Lily had been asked as well, but she was tired from her Prefect duties that day, which had included grading multiple assignments from first years for Mcgonagall, and declined. Now, she was bored. Remus sat beside her, his quill scratching the parchment in front of him lazily. He wasn’t very motivated to finish his essay, Lily noticed.

She perked up, cocking her head to the side as she studied him. This year had been very revealing about Remus. It had shocked her, despite the fact that she considered him one of her dearest friends. She had uncovered his werewolf side, she remembered how he had actually gotten detention for cursing a slytherin table to make it dance, which was very unlike him, and Lily was rather certain something was happening between him and Sirius Black. Something possibly romantic. And that was what made her the most curious.

As if he were able to feel her gaze, he looked up to see her scrutiny of him. He looked around the room, self consciously, before asking, “Is there something on my face, Lils?” The redhead snapped out of her reverie and smiled.

“Sorry, Remus. I was just thinking.”

He sat back against the cushion, forgetting his paper and extending his long legs in front of him. Like he would welcome the distraction. “Would you like to elaborate?”

Lily thought for a second. “I’m worried you’ll be too embarrassed to tell me.”

“So it is about me?”

“Yes, of course, that’s why I was staring at you.”

He chuckled. She had realized that her dear friend Lupin was not the type of person to ever explode with laughter. He would find things slightly funny here and there, but she wondered if he had ever laughed so much that his stomach hurt. Her thoughts went back to fourth year, when she had had a small infatuation with him for a while. He had always been able to make her laugh, which is what made her notice him more that year, but she wasn’t sure if she had ever really repaid the favor. Pushing these thoughts from her mind, she decided to come out with it.

“I’ve noticed that you and Sirius have been acting rather… close lately.”

At the very mention of Black’s name, Remus was blushing. His scarred skin was tinted red from the sudden heat to his face and he choked out a cough. “I, uh, I’m not sure what you mean.”

Lily sat up from the armchair, his sudden awkwardness catching her attention quickly. With a sly grin, she got up and sat right beside Remus on the couch. He looked extremely uncomfortable, clearing his throat every few seconds, as if he couldn’t swallow correctly. His anxiety was so painstakingly obvious that Lily knew there was no way she could let it go.

“Yeah, darling, that isn’t going to pass as an acceptable answer.” He winced. “Come on, Re, it’s just me. I’m not going to run around and tell people whatever you say. You know me better than that.”

“It’s nothing against you, Lils. It’s just… new. And weird. And nothing I ever thought would happen.”

“Please don’t dangle this in front of me, Remus. You know I won’t leave you alone until you tell me. Come on, please?”

He looked at her face as she widened in her eyes in pleading innocence. A shake of his head showed how he felt about her ridiculous antics, but he steeled himself, knowing she was right. She really wouldn’t give it up.

A hand ran over his face and his blush looked as if it would permanently paint his skin. “It started this summer.” He was embarrassed to even bring it up. “Well, that’s not entirely true. For me, anyway. It started...oh… probably third year. I was starting to realize that I wasn’t really looking at girls the way that James was looking at you.” It was Lily’s turn to blush. “The conversations in the dorms always seemed to revolve around the fickleness of women. The way that James talked about his feelings for you, or Longbottom for Alice, or Peter for the dorky hufflepuff girl he was crushing on; I had never felt that way about a girl before. When I casually mentioned this to James, he tried to explain it. Butterflies in your stomach, your skin sets fire when they touch you, you always look for them in a crowded room.”

This was a completely ridiculous way to talk about a crush, but Lily thought it was sweet that James had tried to help his friend understand what feelings were like when you liked someone. She could only imagine the kind of talks they had.

“Well, armed with this new information, I started trying to test out how my body reacted around girls. And it didn’t really come to anything. I tried to talk girls up in my head, telling myself that I thought they looked beautiful, or they were funny, or whatever. It didn’t really work. And then, one day, after potions, I was in the library, still trying to work out if there was something wrong with me, when a hand touched my arm, and I felt something.”

Lily smiled, wiggling her eyebrows. “It was Sirius, wasn’t it?”

Remus sighed, head in his hand. “Yeah. And all that stuff James was talking about? The butterflies, the burning skin, it all happened at once in that moment. It was like getting struck by lightning. However, a part of me was worried that now there really was something wrong with me. I wasn’t supposed to have those types of feelings for my best mate. And he probably didn’t reciprocate them. So for three years, I tried to shove those feelings down as far as I could. I watched, the end of fourth year, when Marlene and Sirius started snogging. It hurt, a lot more than I thought it would, to be honest. In fact, whenever Sirius showed interest in anyone, I would kind of spiral. It was almost as exhausting as shifting. After a while, I think Sirius began to noticed my mood swings.”

“I mean, Sirius notices more things about you than he does anyone else, so that is definitely plausible.”

Remus scowled at her. “Will you shut up?” She giggled, but gestured for him to continue. “That was fifth year, when he finally said something. He was worried that something was happening at home with my parents, and so would constantly badger me with questions. It was hard to handle his questions when he was the reason I was acting that way. In fact, we got in a few arguments right before school ended that I really regretted. I just was having difficulty facing my feelings for him and I was pretty confident that he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t want to risk our friendship in anyway, so I tried to ignore it.”

“Can I just say something?” Lily pipped in, riveted by the story he was weaving. Remus snapped out of storytelling mode and looked over at her. A nod from him made her open her mouth. “Obviously this doesn’t matter now, but I am quite positive that Sirius was mad about you. While it was in his dumb, ridiculous “Sirius” way, I’m pretty sure he stared at you all year fifth year. Just so you know.”

Remus laughed. “Thank you for the confidence boost. I’d hoped he was, since I’d seen him staring too, but it just seemed like a little too much to hope for. Now, is that all? Can I get on with what I was saying.”

“By all means.” He gave her a rueful smile.

“So, fifth year ended and that was when Sirius’ family disowned him. They had asked him to renounce a few of his friendships here, and he refused. So he became a blood-traitor and the Black disappointment. He had nowhere to go. Except to the Potter’s. James asked Sirius to spend the entire summer with them, which of course snowballed into Mrs. Potter demanding that he moved in as well. Sirius hasn’t ever looked back. They wrote me constantly that summer, and I saw them a few times, and then James and his family went on their annual trip to India.”

James’ heritage was colorful and full of spices, Lily had learned through the years. His father was meant to marry a girl back in India, but when he was 18, he left his parents behind and moved to England, where he met a beautiful woman who would one day be James’ mother. Every year, the Potters returned to India and spent a few weeks with their relatives. James spoke highly of his family and clearly loved the time he spent in India. Lily had received quite a few trinkets from him that had originated from James’ mother country.

“They invited Sirius, of course, as he was living in their house. He refused. Thought it may be a bit awkward. So he stayed in England. And I think it was four days later, he asked me over.”

Lily’s mouth opened in gleeful surprise at this admittance. When Remus clocked it, he rolled his eyes and gave her a shove.

“Sod off Evans. Anyway, he asked me to stay with him for a few days. He wasn’t used to staying in an empty house and it made him wary. He has some… interesting fears. Well, I was still trying to get over my feelings for him, so I wasn’t sure it was such a great idea. But he seemed genuinely troubled by being alone. I packed up and headed over to the Potters, only intending to stay a few days.”

Remus turned on the couch, pulling his leg up along with him. His relaxed posture was a reassurance to Lily. He was willing and content to spend time with her and let her know the intimate details of his life.

“You have to understand, Evans, Potter’s house is amazing. It’s large for no reason. You can get lost in there simply by walking it. But despite that fact, when it’s nearly empty, it can give you the creeps. Being in that house for three days was strange because it’s usually so full of life. I don’t know. Sorry, this isn’t pertinent to the story.”

“Speaking of, this story sounds like it has a very specific way it needs to go.”

“Well, I’m working toward one singular event, if that’s what you’re asking me in your obnoxious way.”

“Yes, that’s what I was wondering,”

He rolled his eyes. “Anyway, so I was with Sirius for a few days, and it was kind of awkward at first, considering the fact that I was mad about him. It was one of the few times in our friendship that I actually remember not having something to say. We used small talk, if you can imagine it from us. I hated it. I felt like we weren’t friends anymore. The second morning, Sirius made breakfast and he couldn’t take it anymore.”.....

~~~~~~~~~~ THE SUMMER BEFORE ~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Sirius slammed the spatula down on the counter, startling Remus so much he nearly fell out of his chair. He looked up in shock at Sirius, who was seething and grinding his teeth. A feeling of dread filled Remus and settled thickly in the pit of his stomach.

“Alright, Lupin. Enough of this. I want to understand what’s going on. For the past two months you have been a moody, angry mess and you’ve hardly said a thing to me that wasn’t meant as an insult or an argument. Now, I’ve been racking my brain for the past few days, wondering what I possibly could have done to make you so angry at me, but I’m honestly drawing a blank. And I’m sick of it. So what is it, Lupin? You have to tell me what it is.”

Remus winced, a groan escaping him without him meaning to. This is what he had been dreading about his stay at the Potter’s house. He was worried that Sirius would do this and he didn’t know what he was going to do about it.

“Sirius, it’s nothing…”

“Don’t you dare tell me it’s nothing, Lupin. It’s been more than two months with this kind of behavior from you and that is not nothing. Come on, out with it.”

It was a gut reaction, something he didn’t even think about before doing. He stood up from his stool and marched over to Sirius, until there were only a little space between them. Sirius’ eyes were wide at the sudden action and stared up at Remus. Sirius wasn’t that much shorter than his friend, but Remus had a good few centimeters on him. Remus’ chest was heaving and he stared into the greenish yellow eyes of the boy who drove him crazy. When it seemed to occur to him what he had done, he drew in a ragged breath.

“Sorry,” he whispered, taking a few steps back, running a hand over his eyes. The look in Sirius’ eyes showed his confusion. His mind was racing for a few seconds, trying to make sense of Remus’ actions, and then he moved.

In a moment, Sirius had Remus backed up against the kitchen counter, his hands braced on either side of him, and was staring him down. “What is is Remus? Do you want to hit me? Is that it? Getting all up in my face like that, is that what you want? To hit me? Punch me? Is that what you want?” Remus was shaking his head, panic setting in from the situation. Sirius just didn’t understand. “Go on, Remus. What do you want? Come on, just tell me what you want dammit!” Sirius’ loud words echoed around the kitchen.

Without allowing himself to think, Remus met Sirius’ eyes and whispered, “you.”

They both froze. One in terror, the other in shock. Remus’ crush on the Black boy had consumed so much of his thoughts that the truth had slipped out without his permission. The tension his admission caused was thick between them, as if neither even wanted to breath.

Finally, after an excruciating amount of time, Sirius cleared his throat. “Do you… Do you mean that?”

His answer, simple as it was, caused Remus’ heart to stutter in his chest. It sounded, for a moment, like Sirius felt the same way he did. Taking a deep breath and swallowing hard, he nodded.

A shuddering breath left Sirius’ chest and, though it didn’t seem possible, moved even closer to his friend. Their mouths were a breath apart, tantalizingly close, but neither dared to close the distance between them. Remus thought his heart might explode and the butterflies in his stomach were more intense than anything he’d ever felt.

They were staring at each other, both unsure of what to do next that would be okay with the other. Sirius’ voice came out hoarse, like a whisper, and he said, “Do you want me to… kiss you?”

Remus could barely get any words out. “Do you want to?”

Sirius rubbed his lips together and let out a little hum, his eyes flickering down to Remus’ lips before racing back up to his eyes. “And if I said I did?”

The tall boy trapped in his arms let out a small whimper and allowed his eyes to close for the briefest of moments, soaking in the words that had just been whispered. When he realized that Sirius was waiting for an actual answer, he opened his eyes and quietly replied, “Then I’d beg you to hurry up.”

Sirius’ cheeky grin lit up his face and pushed himself up onto his toes. The space between them shrunk even more, and then his lips were on Remus’, and nothing else mattered. He moved forward, his hands grasping onto Remus’ hips. Remus felt his heart pounding. He slowly reached up with both hands and rested them against Sirius’ neck. He had wanted to touch Sirius for the longest time that it was almost intoxicating, like his blood was humming simply from the contact. This was bliss. After a few seconds, Sirius pulled back to look up at his friend. The taller boy was flushed, his eyes half closed and heart still pounding.

The distance between them was very miniscule and Remus was rather tempted to close it. “You should have said something before,” Sirius whispered. “We could have been doing this forever ago.”

Remus let out a breathy laugh. “Don’t worry,” he said, threading his fingers deep into Sirius’ black hair. He felt a small tug of happiness as he watched Sirius shut his eyes at the feeling of his fingers in his hair. The fact that Sirius seemed to be just as affected by Remus as Remus was whenever they touched gave him an intense feeling of pleasure. “We have plenty of time to make up for it.” And then Remus leaned forward and they were kissing again. They continued like that every day that Remus stayed with Sirius, which was quite a few more than Remus had originally planned staying at the Potter’s house. It was the best few days that led to the best summer either of them had ever had.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Lily’s hands were resting above her heart as Remus recounted the story of his first kiss. She let out cooing noises in the appropriate places and completely had forgotten about her boredom. In her opinion, Sirius and Remus were made for each other. As he finished up and looked at her with an embarrassed half smile, she grinned and started giggling.

“Remus, that is the cutest story I have ever heard in my entire life.”

He blushed. “Thank you, I know.” They laughed for a second before Remus leaned back against the couch. “Since then, it’s been secret kisses and cuddling in the dorm when Pete and James aren’t around. We haven’t really discussed what we’re doing, but if we’re being honest, I really don’t want it to stop.”

“He felt the same way about you the whole time?”

“No,” Remus shook his head. “He told me that he started having feelings for me the end of fourth year.”

Lily squinted. “That’s when he started snogging Marlene? How does that make sense?”

“We’ve actually talked, in depth, about it. When Sirius started to realize that the feelings he had for me were more than what most people feel for their friends, he panicked. He was already a disappointment to his family, he was scared that his playboy appearance would be ruined if he people found out that he was a shirt lifter. So, he did was Sirius always does: overreact and do the stupidest thing he can think of.”

“Marlene.”

“Luckily, she wasn’t actually interested in him in that way. It was more like she was a rambunctious 14 year old and an attractive boy was giving her attention. It didn’t last long.”

Lily rolled her eyes. His story matched up to Marlene’s personality and she remembered that her best friend hadn’t admitted she had kissed Sirius until a few months later, which meant she hadn’t been torn up about it. “And the other girls Sirius was “interested” in?”

“Trying to rustle a response out of me, actually. He just didn’t think I would react like a moody teenager. When he finally did notice the signs, he realized I had been acting that way all along. Jealous and temperamental.”

She couldn’t help but laugh. “I can’t even imagine how interesting this conversation went. I’m sure you were both shocked at the revelations.” Remus blushed a deep red. This caught Lily’s attention. “Oh my word, Remus, what happened?”

He shook his head. “Nothing bad, I swear. Just… a lot of relieved snogging, when everything was finally out in the open. No more secrets, you know? It was a lot of lying around on couches, discussing what was happening and how we felt about it, how we had gotten there. Luckily, we both felt relatively the same. Which led to more snogging. When you’re finally with the person you’ve always wanted, you just can’t help yourself.”

“I can’t believe this,” she whispered. “All this time, Remus John Lupin actually fancied Sirius Black. And no one ever knew.”

Remus looked at her, an eyebrow raised. “I’m quite adept at keeping secrets, Evans. I’ve been doing it almost my entire life. Unlike you. How long have you been besotted with James?” It was her turn to blush. “Yes, I thought as much. You’re really not as subtle as you think you are. Sometimes, I wonder if both of you are just daft idiots because you’re always looking at each other when the other looks away. It’s exasperating.”

“Well I’m sorry my indecisive nature is such a hardship for you, Re.”

He rolled his eyes. “Just do all of us a favor, love, and put him out of his misery. He’s completely mad about you.” She lowered her eyes from his scrutiny.

“Yeah, I know.”

At that moment, the door burst open to reveal James, Sirius, and Peter, all who were smiling and laughing, though Peter was red-faced. Lily suspected that he was the butt of the joke. They caught view of Lily and Remus and headed their way. After hearing the extensive story about Remus and Sirius, she found herself studying them a tad bit closer. Sirius’ eyes lit up when he caught sight of the boy he adored. She watched as he came and nudged Remus over to make room. The tall boy did so, shooting a shy smile as the shaggy haired boy stretched himself out. A groan left Sirius’ lips before he lowered his arms from above his head and crossed them over his chest. If Lily hadn’t been watching, she would have missed the subtle movement of Sirius’ hand, his fingers gently running up and down Remus’ arms. The blush on Remus’s face was a telltale sign, though and he tried to suppress a grin. He bent over and picked up his essay, though she doubted he would be able to concentrate with the other boy beside him. She clocked Sirius’ face and noticed his half smirk, smug at the reaction he got out of Remus simply by touching him. However, she understood how Remus felt. Any time James touched her, her skin went bright red. It was embarrassing.

“I’m going to take a shower.” Peter declared, picking what looked like dry ink out of his hair, completely oblivious to his friends. They all bid him farewell. It left just the four of them in the common room.

“Remus?” Sirius said suddenly.

The boy looked up, his eyes curious. “Yes, Padfoot?”

“There’s… uh… something really interesting I wanted to show you… over by the window. Over there. Do you want to come take a look at it?”

Remus looked at him like he was the stupidest human being on the planet. Sirius widened his eyes, trying to communicate his secret message with his eyes, and the subject of his infatuation sighed deeply. Remus stood up, grabbing Sirius’ hand in his own.

“If you’ll excuse us,” he said, directing his words toward Lily and James. “I believe Padfoot and I are going to snog in the corner for a bit.” Sirius’ eyes grew wide and his face turned red. He let out a surprised cough, but stood up and followed after Remus quickly and the two disappeared out of sight, presumably behind a bookshelf.

Lily waited until she couldn’t see them before bursting into laughter. “Merlin’s beard,” she wheezed. “What a delightful mess those two are.”

James chuckled along with her before taking a seat on her right side. “I’m assuming Remus told you. About them, I mean.”

“He did.”

“Good. I was wondering how you didn’t know, actually. They aren’t that subtle, though they try to be. If you pay attention to the both of them for more than two seconds, it becomes glaringly obvious that they can’t keep their hands off each other. I wish they would admit it to more people though. Sirius is so afraid of what people will think. I know Remus tries to hide it, but I think it hurts his feelings that he can’t be more obvious about his affection.”

Lily shrugged. “They’ll figure it out. Knowing Sirius, he probably just wants to reveal himself in some exorbitant way, make it memorable.”

“That sounds about right.”

Lily studied him for a moment. His glass were filthy, his hair more wild than usual from the wind and the shower he must have took after quidditch practice. The pads that usually accompanied practice were shed and he was dressed in a warm jumper. He always looked incredibly well after a practice, which she felt unfair. But then, a lot things about James Potter were rather unfair. His kind and gentle nature, his ability to make anyone laugh, including professors, and his overwhelming sense of loyalty to those he cared about. But he didn’t seem like the type to be alright with his two best mates having romantic feelings for each other. He certainly was full of surprises. It was another thing she was learning about him that made her regret her previous impressions of his character.

“You’re alright with it, then?” James looked up at her, confused, eyes asking her to clarify. “Remus and Sirius being together?”

“God, yes. It was exhausting, watching the two of them dance around each other since fourth year. I knew how Sirius felt before he even told me.”

“How?”

James met her eyes. “He looked at Moony the way that I looked at you.”

Lily blushed to the roots of her hair and let out a strained laugh. “Well, then, I’m not sure Remus would ever have realized that Black felt the same way. I had no idea you were ever looking at me until last year.”

James’ head reared back. “Seriously? Wow, I thought I was being so obvious about it, too.��

“Well, there was the small factor that I thought you were a pretentious prat with no sense of social decency. So there’s a chance that if you were looking at me, I was explicitly ignoring you.” They shared a laugh. So much had passed between them in just this year alone that the time Lily had spent hating James seemed like a distance memory. Now they were friends, with Lily trying to comprehend the depth of her feelings for him. She knew it was only a matter of time before they got together. The thought made her anxious, but also excited.

“Did you know? When you left for India last summer. Did you know what was going to happen?”

“That they were going to snog? Oh yeah. Well, I hoped anyway. When Sirius turned down the invitation to India, I couldn’t understand it. His reasoning was that he didn’t want to be awkward around my family. But after some pressing, he admitted that he was hoping he could get Remus over to figure out why he was behaving so weird. They had fought quite a bit before the year’s end and I really needed them to make nice with each other. If snogging was included in that, then good on them. I had my suspicions of course, that it would happen. It’s hard to put yourself out there, romantically I mean, when it’s your best mate, but it seemed inevitable. I hoped that Remus felt the same for Sirius. Neither of them were very subtle about their feelings. So I let it go, allowing Sirius to stay without too much of a fight, but also hoping that Remus would put Sirius out of his misery. He did. I got the letter from Sirius a few days after.”

He looked in the direction where the other two boys had disappeared. He smiled and shrugged before returning his gaze to Lily. “They’re my best mates. I’m just happy they’re happy.”

It warmed Lily’s heart to hear this admission and she scooted a little closer to James. She picked up his arm and wrapped it around her shoulder before snuggling into his side. “You’re a good friend, James Fleamont Potter.”

She felt him rest his head atop of hers and let out a deep, contented sigh. “I know,” he murmured. “One of the best.” And she laughed.

[lets-be-real-biscuits-blog]

February 7th, 2018

Story time

“I can’t believe this!” Ron speaks, “Your snogging Malfoy?” My dear brother questions me, his voice cracking in disappointment. I walk silently next to Draco, the damn fool who got us into this mess, and follow Professor Snape to Dumbledore’s office. Draco walks closely at my side, still holding a sly smile on his face. I have to admit, he did get Cole to leave me alone. Hell, he hasn’t even spared a glance my way, I don’t feel bad though.

I told him that I wasn’t interested and no matter how much I told him, he kept on persisting. So Draco was actually looking out for me, who would’ve thought? The Slytherin Prince of Hogwarts would kiss the daughter of a Weasly just to make sure someone from another house would stay away from her. Truly I would think it was a rumor if it hadn’t had been me that it happened to. Why? Why would he risk getting into trouble just to get someone to leave me alone? Yes, it was getting creepy and not even Ron could tell him to lay off, but Draco Malfoy and me? Roslyn Weasly? The twin of Ron Weasly; the red head of the Gryffindor trio? The entire scenario is just bizarre on its own. I don’t even know how to think of it with out getting carried off into utter shock.

“Piss off, Ron!” I speak harshly as we come to a halt at the front of the stone Griffen. “50 points from Gryffindor.” Professor Snape says dryly and says the password. I groan, rolling my eyes in the process. I don’t care at the moment, if it was to get Ron to shut up, then take 50 points from our house. Harry will just win them back anyway. The Griffen turns and reveals it’s stair case. We all walk up and into Dumbledore’s office. His eyebrow arches and looks at Snape skeptically. “Mr. Maxwell had an accident in my class so I brought him to get a potion, and found Miss Weasly and Mr. Malfoy in my potions cabinet.” Snape explains and I put my head down, trying not to be one of the two people Dumbledore’s attention was on.

That didn’t work out, as you could’ve guessed. I felt a bit embarrassed and to say the least, disappointed. I never was the one to get in trouble, yet here I am. “And what were you two doing in Professor Snape’s potions closet?” he focuses his attention to the both of us and my cheeks flair into a fiery red. “Kissing, sir.” Draco speaks and believe it or not, he laughed. I shit you not, Albus Dumbledore laughed. Snape didn’t find it amusing as you could’ve told, but the chuckle that came from Dumbledore surprised us all. “And what about the other three?” he sobers up, focusing his gaze into my brother and his two friends. “Ron tried to have a fist fight with Draco, so everyone was trying to brake them up. Hence Harry and Hermione.” I speak quietly, as Dumbledore hums. “I see.” he looks between me and Draco before speaking. “How do you think we should handle this, Snape?”

Shit. We’re all goners.

-

Dumbledore obviously thought all of it was pretty much harmless, but we still got detention. Not so much Harry and Hermione, but that’s because they tried to hold Ron back. Ron wasn’t so lucky, since he acted out violently he had four weeks of detention. Me and Draco were given four weeks also for skipping class and entering the Potions room without permission. Ron wasn’t talking to me at the moment, he’s ignored me entirely. As for Draco, oddly we’ve been getting closer. Ever since my friends found out about the whole thing, they’ve been slowly avoiding me. Like trying to let me down easy, but Draco’s friends didn’t seem to care. They really didn’t care what Draco did, they accepted it. Maybe it was because he was a Malfoy, he could do whatever he wanted. Or maybe it was because they were his friends. Or they were just that self centered. Who knows?

He’s just been really sweet. I mean he’s still as cocky as ever, but he’s kind to me. I don’t know what is, he’s just so fun to hang out with and be around. Its weird. He grabs my hand at random times just to hold. He plays with my hair in class just to make it hard for me to pay attention. He stalks over me like a giant wherever I go, glaring at anyone who gives me a glance. Its like lion with its cub, and it’s giving me butterflies. He’s clearly overprotective of me, but does this name is something more. Sure, as you could’ve guessed, rumors spread around like wild fire. But he didn’t seem to mind, and like he didn’t care. But where does that leave me? Yeah, rumors don’t bother me that much cause that’s what they are. But, where does that leave me with him. Why does he follow me around like some body guard. It’s like we’re hardly ever apart, it’s not like he follows me around like a list puppy. We sort of just follow each other. If one of us wants to do something, the other tags along. This has been going on for week, and it started happening right after the closet incident.

Does this make us more than friends? When did we even become friends? I’m so confused. I don’t know how I’m going to survive with being this way with him. My parents will probably disown me, and I’ll be on an emotional roller coaster. Wait, do I even want to be with him like that? I mean yeah, he’s tall, he’s cute, and actually has a great personality. But, would I date him? I love it when he plays with my hair, and it makes me feel all warm inside when he stands up for me. Could this mean I have a crush on Draco or that I was forming one? This is all just so crazy, it’s freaking me out. I don’t know what to do, other than see how it plays out. Which is probably for the best, since I don’t want to ruin anything that we have going on. Its too perfect right now, at least when I’m with it is. When he’s not around I feel lost and confused. God, I feel like clingy girlfriend.

[the-idea-master]

A Chance Rooftop Meeting (Theyna AU)

Summary: This is a Theyna AU because I'm trash. Anyways Thalia's been disowned by Zeus for the most part. She lives in a crumby apartment complex despite her family being rich. Reyna and Hylla live a floor below her with their crazy dad. Reyna likes to go to the roof at night. ----------------- The weather was supposed to be nice that evening and after the crazy day Reyna had she was thankful for it. She waited patiently for the lights of their apartment to go out signaling the fact that her father had gone to bed. Staring at the dark ceiling for a moment Reyna swung her legs out from under the covers and made her way to the window. Easing it open she made her usual move out onto the fire escape. The weather really was nice. There was a gentle breeze that ruffled the curtains of her room. Easing the window shut she began the routine of a climb. Feet padding lightly up the steps getting ever higher. She'd gone to the roof every night for some months now finding it calming amidst the storm of life. Even now she was already beginning to relax. Only that changed when she stepped up onto the roof and saw another figure sitting in the center of the flat space. Reyna hadn't expected anyone else to have the same idea as her. She was torn between leaving and coming back later or claiming her territory. "I don't bite." The other person laughed lightly. Reyna couldn't make out who it was but she knew that it was a girl. "I'm just used to being the only one up here." Reyna replied hesitantly taking a few steps towards the other person. When she got closer Reyna recognized who it was. Of course she'd never actually talked to the other girl but she'd seen her about. After all they shared an apartment complex. "Well consider this a burst of courage and desperation on my part. I'm actually terrified of heights." This information made Reyna smile the slightest amount. "Bummer. You know I've seen you around. You live above me don't you? Blast punk music all the time?" Reyna asked tucking her hands in her pockets. "Yeah. You live below me. Your dad yells a lot." It wasn't an accusatory tone or one that indicated a joke. Reyna wasn't sure what to make of this information. She was used to people being accusatory or have pitying tones. The other girl seemed almost, empathetic. Like she understood. "Sorry about that. He...he isn't like he used to be." Reyna swallowed hard averting her gaze to the stars. "Yeah I know what you mean." This caught Reyna's attention. So the other girl did understand. "Your dad too?" Reyna asked sitting down next to the other girl. "Yeah. He pretty much disowned me. That and my mom is...an alcoholic. And my brother is in foster care." Reyna noted that the other girl's voice shifted slightly. She could hear the sadness in it. "I'm sorry that sucks." Reyna sighed tucking her knees up to her chest. "My dad wasn't the same coming back from the war. My sister does her best taking care of us and my mom was never around." A moment of silence passed between the two girls before Reyna spoke again, "My name's Reyna." "Thalia." The other girl smiled shaking Reyna's offered hand. "You come here often?" "Every night. It's an escape." Reyna explained. "I've never seen you up here before." "Like I said an act of sudden emotion." Thalia laughed lightly. "What was it that upset oh?" Reyna asked gently. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to." "Nah it's okay. I guess you should know since I'm invading your space. I got in an argument with my dad. He wants me to come back home because my mom just passed. I told him no and he got angry. Saying that he thought I'd be excited. The thing is, you can't just act like things are fine you know? He kicked me out. Pretending that didn't happen is stupid." "Why'd he kick you out?" Reyna asked staring at the roof. "Well I don't want to make this awkward but...he's not exactly okay with the whole nine heterosexual thing. He's scared it'll ruin his political image." So that was it. Reyna understood perfectly well how hard that must be. She'd heard stories about things like this happening. "Are you gay?" Was Reyna's next question. "Bi actually." Thalia explained with a hesitant smile. "Nice. Met anyone cute after moving here?" Reyna asked trying to lighten the mood. She was thankful for the distraction. "No I'm afraid not." Thalia laughed shaking her head. The moonlight caught her eyes and Reyna sucked in a sharp breath. Was it possible for someone to have eyes that blue? "Anyways its late and I'll leave you with your thoughts and space." Thalia made a move to stand when Reyna caught her arm. "You know I really don't mind the company. If you want you can come up here anytime. I don't care. Life's hard and sometimes you need a quiet space." "Thanks. Goodnight." That was their first rooftop meeting. ------ They met on occasion over the next two weeks until it became more frequent. It soon dissolved into an ever night occurrence. Reyna was surprised that she felt so relaxed around the other girl. If she was being honest she didn't have friends. No one likes her much. Thalia didn't think she'd like someone who seemed so rules oriented. They were polar opposites and discovered this early on through little tales about kids book days. How Thalia pranked her teachers while Reyna strove to be the best at anything. The one thing they agreed on however was their love for PE and how it was pretty much the Olympics for them. Thalia liked sharing stories of how she thought she'd become a professional dodgeball player. Reyna found this very amusing. Weeks turned to months until they were nearly inseparable. Reyna often headed up to Thalia's apartment and on occasion brought Hylla among. Thalia was perfectly fine with them coming over when they pleased. She understood that it was often when things were pretty bad. One night however Thalia and Reyna met on the roof and Thalia knew something was wrong right away from the look on Reyna's face. The other girl's eyes were red from crying. Thalia didn't bother asking what was wrong and just hugged her knowing that today must have been worse than normal. Upon further discussion it was revealed that Hylla had left no longer wanting to deal with her father leaving Reyna as the responsible one. It was rough and Thalia knew how it felt, after all she'd been stuck taking care of her brother. The only difference was unlike Thalia, Reyna had a place to go. "You can stay at my place for the night and you can drop by whenever you want. You don't even have to tell me." Thalia offered earning a very thankful hug from Reyna in return. As much as Thalia tried she really couldn't ignore the fact that she loved Reyna's company. They had many things in common and for some reason Thalia had told her the more sensitive aspects of herself and her past. The idea of Reyna possibly leaving like her sister made her gut clench. Reyna stayed the night on occasion until it became more frequent and Thalia cleared out the spare room which Reyna practically lived in now. It was a mutual respect to never invade the others room until that rule had to be broken when Reyna startled awake one night with a nightmare. They happened on occasion but when they did it was rather violent and real. Thalia thought she looked very much like a little kid when Reyna walked into her room, pillow tucked under one arm, hair wild and messy, with a wide eyed look. "Alright as long as you don't steal all the covers you can stay." Thalia said without even letting Reyna ask to stay. Truthfully Thalia didn't mind at all, she soon discovered that Reyna radiated a comforting heat. Thalia normally had blankets piled up as she got cold at night. Reyna was a portable heater so to speak and Thalia found herself slowly shedding layers of blankets throughout the night. They didn't speak of it the next morning and it was probably for the best. Thalia knew Reyna was rather prideful and bringing up a point of weakness wasn't a good idea. That was until it became a common occurrence on both of their parts. ------- It had been a year since their first meeting in the roof and Reyna had officially moved in after another fall out with her Dad. Thalia loved the company, in fact she found herself rather glum when Reyna wasn't around. As for Reyna she began to have a bit of a mid life crisis as she'd avoided telling Thalia the resin the last severe argument with her father had occurred. Thalia knew Reyna hadn't told her everything but she didn't push it much. Of course things didn't stay secret all that long when Thalia and Reyna spent the evening on the roof again. Reyna had noticed that it was exactly one year ago the two girls had met and she found it odd that time had flown by so fast. Then again she wouldn't trade it for anything. Thalia noticed that Reyna was deep in thought. She could just tell by the way the other girl spun the ring on her finger and the way her eyebrows furrowed and the corners of her mouth turned down. It was extremely adorable. At last Reyna broke the silence. "I should be honest with you. After all you were honest with me." Thalia frowned in confusion but before she could speak Reyna interjected. "The fight with my dad happened like it happened for you. I never expected anything to happen I just always assumed that I...well that I liked boys. But I don't." Thalia couldn't help but be surprised as far as she knew Reyna had done a very good job at hiding this information. "Well I'm a bit surprised but good for you. How'd you figure it out? Wait what girl is it?! How come I didn't know you piece of crap! You can't keep that information from me I'm your best fiend." Reyna couldn't help but smile at the casualness Thalia had to her admission. "You know her." "I do?" Thalia asked trying to think. "Okay is it hat barista cause you're addicted to hot chocolate. I mean I didn't peg her as your type." This made Reyna curious. "What exactly do you think my type is?" Thalia shrugged. "Someone who balances you out. Let's you loosen up cause honestly you can be a stick in the mud." Reyna laughed and shook her head letting out a sigh. She didn't speak for a moment. "You're right about that. But you're wrong about who the girl is." "Okay I have no other ideas." Thalia admitted. "Well they're very pretty. Tall and slender. The prettiest eyes known to man. And they're funny and wild and kind of annoying at times." Reyna smiled. "Yep I'm lost." Thalia decided drowning in thought. Reyna couldn't believe the other girl was so oblivious then again Thalia had no romantic experience for the most part. "It's you." Reyna laughed. Thalia's reaction was priceless. Her shoulders straightened and she raised her eyebrows in surprise. It was comical really. "Me?" "Yes." Reyna nodded starting to feel a bit unsure about her admission. "Oh thank god because I was gonna kick that barista's ass." Thalia smiled. "Technically I've had dibs from the start." "Dibs?" Reyna asked raising her eyebrows but before she could get sword in edge wise Thalia kissed her lightly. It was pretty magical to say the least. Kissing under the stars and moon on a rooftop hat held a bunch of memories. They spent every night after that on the roof having a good time cuddling and talking. It became their spot for years to come. All because of one chance meeting on a rooftop.

[anjibooks]

Winter by Marissa Meyer (Book Review)

"Let's not be cruel. One should never save cake for later when it can be eaten now." Finale books are extremely difficult. It's nearly impossible to meet all the reader's expectations. Sometimes finales can even destroy the reader's view of the series, because if it doesn't end in a satisfying way... It's really hard to remember the entirety of the series (no matter how good) without the blemish of the last one. To name a few finales that, unfortunately, ruined the way I view a series, Allegiant by Veronica Roth, Mockingjay by Susan Collins, The Last Star by Rick Yancy, FREAKING Requiem by Lauren Oliver... etc. Luckily for us, Winter is not one of those books. Somehow, I don't know how Meyer did it, but she was able to satisfy my every need in this book, and bring the series to a conclusion that I have not one issue with. There are some things I'd wished would happen or happened, but nothing major. Just little things. Really this will go down in history as one of the best finale books there is. It's very close to books like Clockwork Princess, City of Heavenly Fire and Deathly Hallows. It's that good. If you don't know what this series is, it's really good, I highly reccomend it, and I have reviews on the past three books to give you the basic information you need to know :) Winter finishes the epic Lunar Chronicles by Marissa Meyer. The new characters introduced in the story are Princess Winter, Queen Levana's stepdaughter, and Jacin Clay, a palace guard. We actually got the pleasure (?) of meeting both these characters in the last book. Though, we didn't really get to see the true side of them, because that only really seems to come out when they're around each other. I have to say, Winter and Jacin might be my new favorite ship for this series. They'd just everything. Winter is this fragile, kind, all-loving (sometimes crazy) girl, and Jacin will do anything to protect her. He's like Julian Blackthorn but not to the extent of making me uncomfortable. Actually, I think I'm almost as in love with Jacin Clay as Winter is. They're childhood friends, but they could never be together because of the social restraints. It's really basically all the romantic cliches along with character archetypes that I love. I love Winter and Jacin's relationship in this book, and was surprised that I was really looking forward to their chapters. There were no chapters that I was not thoroughly invested in, I loved each and every page-- and there were a crap ton of pages. Some finale's issues are that the book feels rushed. Winter is nothing like that, Meyer was smart and used as many pages as she needed to write a satisfying conclusion. Which, as it turns out, was a lot of pages. That is perfectly okay with me, because not only did I get a great conclusion, but I also got to spend more time in this fantastic world. Just to show how much I loved this book, I'm going to say I'm giving this book 9/10 stars. It was fantastic. I'm really glad I read this series, it was well worth the extra money I spent on buying the hardcovers as well as the ebooks of Scarlet and Cress so that I could read the books immediately. The pacing is perfect in these books, the plot intriguing and the characters lovable, easy to grow attached to. I don't know what else I could've asked for. I don't really know what else I can say to try and convince you to read this book. All I really can add before I get into the spoilery section is you won't regret reading this. Anyway, here's the synopsis: Princess Winter is admired by the Lunar people for her grace and kindness, and despite the scars that mark her face, her beauty is said to be even more breathtaking than that of her stepmother, Queen Levana. Winter despises her stepmother, and knows Levana won't approve of her feelings for her childhood friend--the handsome palace guard, Jacin. But Winter isn't as weak as Levana believes her to be and she's been undermining her stepmother's wishes for years. Together with the cyborg mechanic, Cinder, and her allies, Winter might even have the power to launch a revolution and win a war that's been raging for far too long. Can Cinder, Scarlet, Cress, and Winter defeat Levana and find their happily ever afters? Fans will not want to miss this thrilling conclusion to Marissa Meyer's national bestselling Lunar Chronicles series. Oh, and just to add here's a list (in order of favorite to least) of my favorite books and couples now that I've finished the books. Winter & Jacin Cinder & Kai Cress & Thorne Scarlett & Wolf Cinder Thorne Jacin Kai Winter Cress Scarlett Winter Cress Scarlet & Cinder SPIOILERS BELOW FOR WINTER I'll just start this out by saying the very minor things I would've liked to change about this book. First off, I know a lot of other people have mentioned it, but I'll say it again. I wish Jacin and Winter felt more like part of the group. Like sure, Jacin does work with them, but neither Winter nor Jacin ever truly feel like they're part of Cinder's little rebel band like the rest of the characters. Especially since neither of them are in the room in the final showdown. Like, even people who really shouldn't have been there (I'm looking at you, Scarlet and Wolf) went in. Jacin and especially Winter have a right to be in there, fighting Levana. Okay, maybe Jacin shouldn't be in there since he's so easily controlled, but Winter. Winter has a right to be involved with the ultimate demise of the evil queen, and yet she's nowhere near. I was waiting for Jacin and Winter to show up the entire time in that throne room, and they never did. I'm gonna be honest here, I really thought Winter was going to shoot Levana in the head while she and Cinder were having that mind control gun off thing lol. I touched this earlier, but I just have to mention it again. I LOVE Jacin and Winter's relationship. I love how protective Jacin is of Winter, like he'll do anything for her, and as I said before, not in the creepy Julian Blackthorn way. I love how he's accepting of his fate, too. It just makes his character more likable, in my eyes. He knows he'll never end up with Winter, but he still wants to make sure she's safe, despite how much it might hurt him to see Winter with someone else. Also how Jacin can calm her down from her craziness? Like. Ah. It's so cute. He's so blank otherwise, in showing emotion, but then when he needs to help her? He's all gentleness and worry. It's adorable. And also just Jacin's way of telling Winter she's beautiful and he loves her? Through sarcasm and saying anything but those words? TELL ME WHERE I CAN GET ONE OF THESE BOYS. Jacin would sacrifice his own life for Winter and... Ah. I just love them. Also mentioned this earlier. It annoys the HELL out of me that the people who can so easily be controlled by Lunars (@Scarlet and Wolf) always are throwing themselves in situations where they really just become dangers to their own allies. Like WHY, WHY would you go into the showdown with Levana? Like I get that you want to go help your friends, but you'd be more helpful not being in there! they're really just putting their friends in even more danger. I was really expecting that invention that Garan made come into play so that Scarlet and stuff could be immune to Lunar control, but unfortunately that didn't come into play until wayyyy later. Speaking of that, let's get onto Adri and Pearl. Honestly? I'm not a good person. I felt no sympathy for either of these women. I kid you not, when it was revealed that Cinder was thrown into the cell with them I looked up from the book with a grin and said "Kill them." Not that I'd actually want Cinder to kill them, but I was really looking forward to Cinder finally getting her revenge on those bitches for the way that they treated her, but instead Cinder chose to be the bigger person. Literally Adri still insists that Cinder is selfish in the cell (and there I really just wanted Cinder to punch her... with the metal hand) and they DISOWN her and PLEDGE LOYALTY TO LEVANA, and yet Cinder still gives them a shit ton of riches. Like sure, that makes her a better person. But I'm not a good person, and I really wanted Adri and Pearl to get what was coming for them. While I didn't feel like anything was rushed, I did feel like the whole "poison apple" bit was resolved a bit quickly. Like it didn't feel RUSHED  but it felt like there wasn't much peril involved with it, seeing as they got the antidote in ASAP right after. Do you get what I mean? Oh, also, I forgot to mention in my earlier reviews, I will always love Thorne and Cinder's friendship. Like theirs is my favorite friendship in the entire series. Oh, one more thing. CRESS IS SO ANNOYING WHEN SHE SPAZZES OVER THORNE AND THAT LUNAR LIKE ITS OBVIOUS HES BEEN MIND CONTROLLED CALM DOWN. Though, I suppose that did spur their relationship so... Anyway, thanks for sticking with me, -Anj

[rainbow-hotline]

Acceptance. An odd word. It’s a word we take for granted. We all just assume we all are going to be “accepted” in this world. We don’t give a second thought to the people who aren’t “accepted” here on Earth (maybe that’s why the suicide rates are so high.) One of the biggest communities that aren’t “accepted” here is the LGBT+ community. I’m bisexual and this is my experience. (Since this is a real-life story, I won’t reveal the real names.)

———————————————————————————

My day was just any other normal day, until free-period. We have free-period right after lunch, and we can go anywhere outside on the grounds. Usually my friends and I sit in the field, next to the drain, the part of the field that nobody goes to. It’s out of the way, and we can have our privacy there. We were on our way to the drain when we heard, “Lizzy! Niccy! Livy! Wait up!”

Now, the people who is calling us are Rosie, Jenna and Zoe, Rosie speaking. Now, all of us, just out of human logic, waited. When they caught up, we all walked together to the drain. We all just were ourselves and joking around. Eventually, Livy (who is a lesbian), brings up a funny joke about her non-straightness. “So I was tellin’ my little cousin that I’m gay, and he asks me, ‘What’s the opposite of gay?’ and I say, ‘Straight.’ And he says, ‘So then you’re wobbly?’ And I’m like, ‘Yes, child, I’m wobbly.’”

“Since I haven’t come out as bisexual to my fam yet, and won’t do so until I move out, I, unfortunally, don’t get to have funny stories like that,” I said.

“Same!” said Niccy.

Then Zoe spoke up.

“Wait, you guys aren’t straight?”

Niccy spoke up. “Yeah, we aren’t straight. I thought you already knew this?”

“No, we didn’t know! Lizzy, you’re my twin! You’re supposed to tell me these things!” said Jenna. She’s not a real twin, but since we’re really good friends and look a lot alike, we like to call ourselves twins.

“Okay, if y’all aren’t straight, then then goodbye! I’m not talking to gays!” And just like that, Zoe left. 

I don’t know why but Jenna got up and left too. Rosie was still there, looking at me. “Lizzy, does your mom know?”

“Oh, hell no! Rosie, I told you what happen to my sister! Disowned! Shunned! Most of the family wouldn’t talk to her for months! After that, I’ve lost all confidence.” I said. Rosie sat down with us.

“Zoe’ll come back. That’s what she does. She’s soo dramatic about everything. It’s a little annoying. But, try not to worry. See, here comes back Jenna.”

“Sorry for snapping at ya’. It’s that nobody told me. I’m completely okay with gays, but I just wish somebody told me! And, I talked to Zoe. She’s pretty mad.”

“I’m sure she’s just being dramatic, Jenna. She’ll be back,” said Rosie.

“No, Rose, she’s not being dramatic! I was listening to her rant on about how the people she thought were her friends are violating the Bible soo much! She’s defiantly not coming back, guys. I’m sorry,” said Jenna.

I look between Niccy and Livy. Niccy and I are bisexual (liking both men and women) and Livy is a full lesbian. The one thing I think we all felt at that moment, is how judgmental the world is. We all felt betrayed, anger, fear and resentment.

Now, after school, Niccy and I were going to Livy’s house for a sleepover. Livy’s in Girl Scouts, so we were going to be meeting one of her friends from GS at the sleepover. As it turns out, Callie, the girl in Livy’s GS troop, is also bisexual. Livy pulled out her phone and went to YouTube. “Now, Niccy, Lizzy, I want to show you a video that had so much of Zoe’s reaction to LGBT+-ness.”

The video was hilarious. It was about this collage dudes, and one of them is gay. At first the straight guy is confused, ‘cause his best friend is coming out of the closet to being gay. Straight is thinking that Gay is asking him out: ‘Woo woo woo, dude, I’m straight! Not gay!’ Gay is basically explaining how gay works and how a guy is wanting to have sex with guys. At the end, Gay says, ‘Ok, if it helps you sleep at night, pretend I’m a girl.’  Straight says, ‘But when I might start to like you!’ And Gay says, ‘Then maybe YOU’RE gay too.’ The video ends with the horrifying face of Straight. (The link to this video will be below.)

After the video, Callie said, “Now, what were you talking about this girl Zoe?” So then we explain what happened during free-period. “What a little *****.”

“I know, right?” I said. It still hurts. I know that Jenna and Rosie accept us, but I thought Zoe was our friend. I’ve known her since fourth grade. The fact that all these years later, when I came out of the closet to my friends, she doesn’t like us, just like that. I think I was thinking for all of us, that we discovered exactly how cruel and judgmental the world is that day. We all knew there would be people that wouldn’t like us, but we never thought one of those people would be what we thought was our friend.

———————————————————————————This is a shout-out to all those out there who are scared. To those who feel unloved and unwanted. Being disowned by your family is hard, I’ll tell you that. You’re stuck with your family forever, whether you like it or not. You rely on your friends, when your family isn’t there to help you. Friends will walk in and out of your life, but the ones who truly matter will always be there.

I thought my friend who is played by Zoe would always be there for me when I was down, only to be let down. Ever since, I’m weary about my friends. Will they be there for me? If I open up my heart, let them see whats inside, will they walk out on me? Once you open your heart to someone, you can’t close it. Once you say something, you can’t un-say it. Once you think something, you can’t un-think it. Not when it’s already been planted in your head.

Yes, it’s hard. Everything is when your part of the LGBT+ community. Not knowing if your loved. But when I’m not okay (which I most of the time), I read/listen to this:

You were walking on the moon

Now you feeling low-ow-ow

What they said wasn’t true

You’re beautiful

Sticks and stones break your bones

I know what you’re feeling

Words like those

Won’t steal your glow

You’re one in a million, this, this is for all the girls

Boys all over the world

Whatever you been told

Your worth more than gold

So hold your head up high

It’s your time to shine

From the inside out it shows

Your worth more than gold

Your worth more than gold

Everybody keeps score

Afraid you’re gonna loo-loo-loo-loose

Just ignore

They don’t know the real you

All the rain in the sky

Can’t put out your fire

Of all the stars out tonight

You shine brighter this, this is for all the girls

Boys all over the world

Whatever you been told

Your worth more than gold

So hold your head up high

It’s your time to shine

From the inside out it shows

Your worth more than gold

Your worth more than gold

So don’t let anybody tell you that you’re not loved

And don’t let anybody tell you that you’re not enough

Yeah, there are days when we all feel like we’re messed up

But that truth is that we’re all diamonds in the rough

So don’t be ashamed to wear your crown

You’re a king, you’re a queen inside and out

You glow like the moon, you shine like the sun

This goes to you, wherever you are

This, this is for all the girls

Boys all over the world

Whatever you been told

Your worth more than gold

So hold your head up high

It’s your time to shine

From the inside out it shows

Your worth more than gold

Your worth more than gold

So don’t be ashamed to wear your crown

You’re a king, you’re a queen inside and out

-Britt Nicole

Thanks, Britt. You have no idea how much this means to me.

So, to everyone out there, try to believe that someone out there loves you. It’s hard to believe, but someone out there can’t live without you. But know there is. If you can’t find the good in yourself, let someone know how you feel so they can tell the good they see in you. If you look at your life and all you see is a dark tunnel or cave or whatever, find glowing crystals that stand for the good in your life. Find them until your whole tunnel or cave is glowing and overflowing with light! Know that we love you, straight or not, transgender or not, or anything in-between, we love you. Try to find the meaning in Britt Nicole’s song/poem. Yes, there will be people that will say we’re a disgrace to your family. I have depression and these are the things it tells me. But I’m here to support you.

If you feel, unwanted, unloved, worthless, stupid, ugly, fat or anything else, please let someone know. It may be your parents, it may not. It may be some friends (be sure it’s the friends that you can trust, no matter what!), it may not. I don’t know who your gonna go to, but be sure to go to someone you feel ok with sharing your experience with. If you feel self-conscience about sharing with that someone, don’t go to them! 

This is a girl willing to share her experience with you. Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope you learned something and have a wonderful day. 

[datblog16]

Keep Swimming

One of my favorite relationships in the Bible is the relationship between Jesus and Peter. Peter’s relationship with Jesus was very different from the other disciples’ relationship with Jesus because of who he was, the things he had done, the things he had said, and the great apostle he became to be.

Below are two different episodes from the Gospels with an interaction between Jesus and Peter. 

The first, from Luke, occurred when Jesus first called Peter into the ministry. 

The second, from John, occurred after the Resurrection of Jesus.

Luke 5:1-11 

“One day as Jesus was standing by the Lake of Gennesaret, the people were crowding around him and listening to the word of God.2 He saw at the water’s edge two boats, left there by the fishermen, who were washing their nets. 3 He got into one of the boats, the one belonging to Simon, and asked him to put out a little from shore. Then he sat down and taught the people from the boat. 4 When he had finished speaking, he said to Simon, “Put out into deep water, and let down the nets for a catch.” Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.”  When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!” 9 For he and all his companions were astonished at the catch of fish they had taken,10 and so were James and John, the sons of Zebedee, Simon’s partners. Then Jesus said to Simon, “Don’t be afraid; from now on you will fish for people.” 11 So they pulled their boats up on shore, left everything and followed him.” 

John 21:1-14 

“Afterward Jesus appeared again to his disciples, by the Sea of Galilee] It happened this way: 2 Simon Peter, Thomas (also known as Didymus), Nathanael from Cana in Galilee, the sons of Zebedee, and two other disciples were together. 3 “I’m going out to fish,” Simon Peter told them, and they said, “We’ll go with you.” So they went out and got into the boat, but that night they caught nothing. Early in the morning, Jesus stood on the shore, but the disciples did not realize that it was Jesus. He called out to them, “Friends, haven’t you any fish?” “No,” they answered. He said, “Throw your net on the right side of the boat and you will find some.” When they did, they were unable to haul the net in because of the large number of fish.  Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water. 8 The other disciples followed in the boat, towing the net full of fish, for they were not far from shore, about a hundred yards. 9 When they landed, they saw a fire of burning coals there with fish on it, and some bread. Jesus said to them, “Bring some of the fish you have just caught.”11 So Simon Peter climbed back into the boat and dragged the net ashore. It was full of large fish, 153, but even with so many the net was not torn. 12 Jesus said to them, “Come and have breakfast. ”None of the disciples dared ask him, “Who are you?” They knew it was the Lord. 13 Jesus came, took the bread and gave it to them, and did the same with the fish. 14 This was now the third time Jesus appeared to his disciples after he was raised from the dead.”

When we look at the events that played out after Jesus was raised from the dead, the passage above from John was the first interaction between Jesus and Peter that was stated in the Bible since Peter had denied Jesus.  After Jesus resurrected, he appeared to his disciples several times, but this is the first time we read of an interaction specifically between Jesus and Peter. 

I love the way John wrote his gospel. Have you ever read a story or watched a movie where the story ends, but a specific issue in the story was never resolved or a question was never answered? Once you reached the end, you’re still really confused because you never found out what happened to that one character. That’s what they call loose ends in the storyline. Well John made sure not to do that. John made sure to tie up those loose ends and one of the loose ends was the status of the relationship between Jesus and Peter.  

Three chapters earlier, Peter had made one of the biggest mistakes in his entire life, he denied Jesus 3 times. That last interaction between Peter and Jesus we read in Luke 22: 59-62 

“About an hour later another asserted, “Certainly this fellow was with him, for he is a Galilean.” 60 Peter replied, “Man, I don’t know what you’re talking about!” Just as he was speaking, the rooster crowed. 61 The Lord turned and looked straight at Peter. Then Peter remembered the word the Lord had spoken to him: “Before the rooster crows today, you will disown me three times.” 62 And he went outside and wept bitterly.” 

First of all, can you imagine what Jesus felt. I believe Jesus, even though all along he knew Peter would deny him, I want to believe that maybe Jesus was hoping that he wouldn’t. I mean, Jesus was a divine being, but at the same time he was fully man, so he still felt emotion, so imagine being there when one of your very own friends, who’s been constantly with you for the past three years, denies ever knowing you as you are being taken away to be crucified. Can you imagine the heartache and hurt that Jesus must’ve felt? Peter had really hurt Jesus. 

Second, imagine what Peter must’ve felt after denying Jesus. He had just hurt Jesus. The same Jesus that was about to go die for him. Imagine the regret, the shame, the humility, the depression that overwhelmed Peter. Especially when Jesus looked at him, he made eye contact with Peter - I don’t think anyone has ever felt a deeper level of shame than what Peter experienced in that moment.  Then for the next three chapters we see a silence between Jesus and Peter - we are not sure where their relationship is now. What is Peter’s heart like? Imagine the load of guilt he is bearing. 

I believe John understood this and took that extra chapter in his gospel to tie up this loose end - and reveal Peter’s restoration.  

John 21:7 - “Then the disciple whom Jesus loved said to Peter, “It is the Lord!” As soon as Simon Peter heard him say, “It is the Lord,” he wrapped his outer garment around him (for he had taken it off) and jumped into the water.”  

Do you see anything strange about this verse? What do people usually do before spontaneously jumping into the water? They usually take off their outer clothes right, they don’t put on more clothes.  So, this most likely means that Peter was very lightly clothed, in other words, he was almost naked, which is why he had to put on his outer clothes before he went to meet Jesus.  

 Why did John include that little detail in that passage? Why did John have to specifically mention the fact that Peter put on his outer garment before he jumped into the water? I’m not really sure, but I am going to guess that there is symbolism here. Nakedness in the Bible is so intimately related to the concept of sin and shame. We see in Genesis how the first experience that Adam and Eve had with sin was a feeling of shame and nakedness. And so now we have this Simon Peter, who had denied Jesus, who had hurt and betrayed Jesus, a man who has been living the past few days in a bubble of guilt and shame and nakedness, he now recognizes Jesus on the shore and what does he do? He puts on his clothes, and he jumps into the water and swims toward Jesus. This response by Peter is a radically different response from what we saw from Peter when he first met Jesus. 

Let’s go back to that passage. 

Luke 5:5-8 - “Simon answered, “Master, we’ve worked hard all night and haven’t caught anything. But because you say so, I will let down the nets.” When they had done so, they caught such a large number of fish that their nets began to break. 7 So they signaled their partners in the other boat to come and help them, and they came and filled both boats so full that they began to sink. When Simon Peter saw this, he fell at Jesus’ knees and said, “Go away from me, Lord; I am a sinful man!”  

This is the first time that Jesus and Peter met, and once Peter saw the miracle Jesus performed and once he saw who Jesus really was, he didn’t say, “Oh wow Jesus, hey let’s make a deal, how about you come here once a week and do this for me, and we can start a highly successful fishing business, and we can share the profit 50/50?” No, that’s not what Peter said. Instead he told Jesus to go away from him because he felt unworthy to be in the presence of someone like Jesus. 

This is what we all do when we truly recognize the character of Jesus, when we see Jesus for who he is - we have the complete wrong response - when we experience Jesus for who he truly is, we want to run away, why? Because we see our sin, we see our shame, we are overwhelmed by our own guilt.  When Peter saw who Jesus was, he was overwhelmed with a sense of his own guilt and sin, and what he wanted more than anything else was to be relieved of that guilt, and in that moment, for Peter that meant space from Jesus, that meant to run away from Jesus, to distance himself from Jesus. Peter said, Jesus please just leave! 

We do the exact same thing - we experience the touch of Jesus, the goodness of Jesus, but then we say Jesus, I am not worthy to be with you - I am not good enough to be in your presence - please go away from me, and we start distancing ourselves from Him. But that’s exactly the opposite of what we should be doing. Running away is what the devil wants us to do – to see our sin and shame is what the devil wants us to do - thinking that we’re not good enough and will never be good enough is what the devil wants us to think - and we believe that lie and we put as much space between ourselves and Jesus.

But look at what happened the second time Peter saw Jesus from the boat. This time he didn’t try to distance himself from Jesus. Even though this time, he had so much more guilt and shame he was carrying - so much more to be embarrassed about - this time he didn’t try to get away from Jesus, instead he dives into the water and swims as fast as he can to meet Jesus, he can’t wait to get to shore. Why did Peter need to jump into the water - they were on a boat, they could’ve just rowed the boat to the shore - but that wasn’t good enough for Peter, he was not about to wait that long - he needed to get to his master, his savior as quickly as he could, so he swam, and he swam as fast as he could. This time Peter didn't let his sin or shame keep away from Jesus, this time it propelled him toward Jesus. 

What had changed? 

What had caused for this radical change in the response of Peter. It was his relationship with Jesus. 

It was his love for Jesus. It was his longing for Jesus.  We are not perfect, we are all broken vessels, but we have a longing friend who waits for us at the shore. He knows our sin and he knows our shame, yet he waits for us. Are we going wallow in our shame and guilt to distance ourselves from him or we going to jump overboard and swim as fast as we can toward him?

[themindfulword]

LIVING AUTHENTICALLY: Ambivalence as creative energy that rouses us to awaken and integrate

“I remember, when I was in my early twenties, a girlfriend saying she was on the fence about getting married.” Katherine* peers over her left shoulder, scanning the café to make sure no one's listening. She continues, “At the time, I was horrified. It should be perfect, I thought there should be no doubt. That’s when I still lived in the fairy tale, before I knew about life and relationships. I suppose it’s ironic that years later, when I got married at 40, I felt the same way. Is this the right choice? Should I wait? Really, it was 50-50. I decided to marry him. But just because I got married, it doesn’t mean my ambivalence went away. Now I ask myself every day, 'Should I stay married?'” Katherine loves her husband, but a lot of the time, she also can’t stand him or herself. Her struggle, though quiet, is not an outlier. Examples of similar struggles The lawyer who wants the financial benefits of his career, but feels constantly stressed and dreams of a quiet life as a writer. The parents who love their "oppositional defiant" son, but hate him for making their lives so difficult. The priest who feels called to his vocation, but is tormented because he has fallen in love. The happily married analyst who loves her family but longs to be with a woman. The daughter who struggles to maintain a relationship with her father after he molested her sister. All these scenarios involve feeling torn. Across marriage, politics, career, religion, health and sexuality—in situations ranging from death to ordering a meal—most people, at some point, will find themselves entangled in ambivalence. Chances are, they'll desperately seek a way out.

What thought leaders think

Interviews conducted with 60 U.S. thought leaders over the past two years reveal ambivalence about ambivalence. More than half of the interview participants work in the fields of psychology, spirituality and religion. Others are professionally engaged in corporate business, non-profit work, the arts, humanities or the government. Beyond research qualifiers, these participants are vibrant people moved by daily kindnesses. Most volunteer, know their neighbours and have close friends and family. Many feel that contemporary society, as a whole, is more interested in staying superficially busy than in being intimately present with others. “Society doesn’t want to go there,” says a marketing executive. "People listen to you as long as you talk about surface stuff. But when it gets into personal or deeper subjects, they get uncomfortable.” Throughout this crowd, there's a resounding opinion that American society isn't a big fan of ambivalence, a condition that relentlessly creates self-doubt, worry and confusion. In fact, several participants believe that U.S. society, in general, perceives the experience of ambivalence as a weakness.

Ambivalence: What it is and how it feels

“Everyone has ambivalence, they just don’t talk about it,” says a social worker. “It’s what keeps us in business as therapists.” For many participants, the mere mention of ambivalence about a job, marriage, friendship or anything that matters feels too risky. It suggests dissatisfaction or tentativeness, both unpopular qualities. An environmental business leader comments, “People don’t share their ambivalence because socially, there’s a pressure to be certain or right. To have your shit together.” Ambivalence is sometimes confused with indifference, but it actually couldn’t be more different. Whereas indifference is a bore, ambivalence sends us into overdrive as we experience the tension of feeling both love and hate for the same situation, idea or person (which could even be the self). Whether it's debilitating or intoxicating, there's nothing neutral about ambivalence, including the ambiguity that surrounds what we want. A psychiatrist says, “People think ambivalence is some kind of amorphous thing. It’s not. Ambivalence always has some component of something you don’t want to do.” It’s true. When a person's mired in ambivalence, they often know exactly what they want. It's simply not an option. For instance, Katherine wants a husband who can financially support the family and help care for their child. She also wants passion. But that’s not what the relationship looks like. Real choices can be complicated. Katherine shares her internal conflict—she could leave and has thought about it, but in her words, that would be “disastrous.” Alternatively, she can stay and try to find peace. Either way, she persistently feels distracted and isolated. However, she's not alone. Others experience sleeplessness, anxiety, back pain, stomach problems, depression and fatigue. Says a theology professor, “I have a lot of ambivalence about my career, and yet I could never express that at work. I could easily be fired for it. I resolve it by saying it doesn’t matter whether I’m happy. Even if it’s hurting my body, it could be worse. So I press ahead.”

A not-so-unique kind of struggle

When some people deal with ambivalence, they stay quiet or “pretend,” a word some participants use to describe a coping mechanism for dealing with mixed feelings. Some assume this is a struggle unique to them and that everyone else has it together. Deep down, they know this isn't actually true, but just in case, they feel that it's better to post happy pictures online and share all the good stuff. There's also a tendency to be hyper-focused on making a decision quickly. Ideally, this'll be the choice that will produce the least amount of suffering. Yet, placing all bets on one decision typically makes an experience worse. Any move feels like it could radically redirect the course of an individual’s otherwise controlled life. Plus, the mounting pressure can end up tainting the choice that's finally made. Visions of the worst-case scenario thrust people into the grittiest corners of anxiety: Abandonment. Hurting loved ones. Loss. Yet in the throes of ambivalence, the very thing we fear is already happening. The inner life starts to look like a building on fire, and the response follows: Grab all valuables and run!

Decision, distraction and shifting the question

“Be careful when you hear questions like, 'What should I do? What if? Are you sure?'” says a psychologist. “It’s a setup. The very nature of them implies guilt and self-doubt. We beat ourselves up with those questions.” Why does this matter? The questions above aren't only diminishing, they're distracting. Ambivalence isn't really about making a decision. It’s about asking wiser, more compassionate questions such as, “What is my life trying to teach me? How can I be loving to myself and others during this discernment? How can I cultivate strength and trust?” Though it may feel abstract, herein lies the actual triumph. The second set of questions more honestly reflects what it means to live authentically. For many interview participants, particularly leaders in the fields of spirituality and psychology, ambivalence is an essential part of what it means to be human. It's in our nature to be ambivalent. A chaplaincy director pauses, mindfully choosing words that'll honour a variety of religious beliefs and non-beliefs. “We live in flesh and in spirit, in love and in hate,” he says. “To use a Paulist image, we live with the tension of being a saint and a devil.” By denying our experience of ambivalence, we're essentially denying our nature—our human nature—and the point at which it conjoins with our spirit. But the high social value placed on certainty distracts us from the deeper experience that's asking for our attention. It may be as clear as what the ambivalence indicates; for instance, facing a difficult time in a marriage or considering a new career. It’s not always that straightforward, though. According to a non-profit director, “It’s like going to the beach and stressing for hours about whether to take sandals or sneakers. It’s not really about the shoes.” Trying to understand the confusion can be bewildering, so we begin to question what we feel, think and do. “Ambivalence suggests someone is doubting what they know. It’s a discursive thought loop. There are times in my life when I used ambivalence as a mindfulness bell, an alarm clock. When it shows up, it means something isn't being accepted or really known. And I need to investigate that,” says a Buddhist leader. This can be a painful revelation. We may not have access to our "knowing" quite yet and we may never come to understand it. On the other hand, we may be fully aware of what’s going on, but honouring that might bring some kind of loss. Almost all scenarios call for exploration and this takes time. Taking the time that's necessary can be tricky, since feeling torn comes with a potent sense of urgency. It’s the last place we want to hang out.

The beauty of our nature 

What if the discomfort we feel is actually a point of entry for growth? Participant stories reveal another side of ambivalence: It shows as up an invitation to explore the internal chambers of our lives. “We may think the ambivalence is about getting married, but it’s actually about a childhood trauma that's asking to be healed,” says a contemplative prayer leader. Ambivalence asks us to connect with an experience, which is rarely easy but almost always meaningful. By sticking around, we may actually uncover parts of ourselves that we disowned somewhere along the way. We can contemplate the murkiness of the past rather than avoid it. Several participants describe a radical shift in mindset that comes with delving deeply into their lives. They feel more embodied, with a greater sense of personal authority. “From here,” says a chaplaincy director, “you can access your humanity and become more vulnerable and transparent. Then, you can truly touch others.” These participants also describe a deepened trust in a divine force greater than ourselves, be it love, God, friendship or universal benevolence. A technology vice president (VP) reflecting on 17 years of discernment within an ambivalent marriage allows, “I used to think making career choices and working on my marriage meant I was in control. But I was just going through the motions, as if my life wasn't really my own. I saw a fork in the road like this: You make a decision and force yourself onto one path or the other.” While several participants describe the exhilaration that comes with making a decision, this usually stems from hard work. The deepest relief rarely emerges from a journey of certainty. “Now I realize you can take a lot more time to get to that fork in the road. I worked through a lot personally. I do things more consciously than I did before. I finally realized it was about having faith and trusting in a bigger plan. It’s not like I don’t have my eyes wide open or that I’m surrendering my free will. But I look for what God wants, because before, I only focused on what I wanted," the VP adds. The most valuable external move can simply be sharing your story. When this is done with the person most intricately tied to your struggle, such as a spouse, the experience can be profoundly liberating. In many cases, it can be healing for the individual hiding their feelings and bonding for the couple. Interestingly, the majority of participants don't personally espouse negative attitudes towards ambivalence. On the contrary, they consider the ability to engage with it as an indicator of emotional and intellectual acuity. Many appreciate the need for certainty in high-stake situations, particularly those that involve politics and business decisions. Interpersonally, however, they prefer to be around others who are willing to traverse the murkiness of doubt.

Mortality, control and surrender

“There's a spiritual component to ambivalence. Trusting in God, or in even in myself, that whatever the answer is, I'll be OK,” says the president of the environmental corporation, quoted earlier. “It’s like Yoga's savasana pose: practicing death, surrendering.” Letting go of control unearths our most primal fear: death. “What do I really want? I want a lot of things. If I say yes to this one thing, I say no to all the others. It’s a sacrifice to make a decision. It’s a death,” says a Presbyterian minister. We consistently underestimate our capacity to suffer, heal and grow, so we grasp more tightly. Yet the very experience we stifle is the one that's longing to emerge. Ultimately, we need to loosen our grip. Spiritual traditions share stories of waiting, sitting in the tension of life with compassion and inquiry while wrestling with the dualities of joy and sorrow, birth and death, humanity and divinity. Prophets step into a life of discernment, leaving behind daily reminders of their individual identity such as wealth, family and a schedule. (Unlike them, we tend to hold onto these things dearly.) They live out "the hero’s journey," along with all the suffering, bliss and renewal that comes with it. As we can see within these stories, ambivalence isn't an interruption of life, nor is it a mistake asking to be fixed. It holds within it the potential for growth, if we allow it to. It can be a creative energy that rouses us to awaken and integrate. Sometimes, it involves coming to terms with difficult discoveries or decisions. Does this sound weak? Not at all. But it sounds hard. However, sometimes letting go can mean coming undone so that we can become more fully ourselves, and the way the opportunity to do so shows up in our lives is uniquely and beautifully specific to every one of us. *All names have been changed or omitted to respect confidentiality. «RELATED READ» THE MYSTERY OF AUTHENTICITY: Who are we, really?» image via Pixabay Click to Post