#does it feel easier to let someone die that you can’t see?

[samuraisharkie]

I hope every reactionary liberal “vote blue no matter who” person kills themselves forever

[drabblesandsnippets]

Sunshine - Part 2

Hot Bucky Summer 2024 - Week 6

Pairing: Roommate!Bucky x Plus-size female character (nickname is Sunshine)

Prompt: “I won’t be able to stop myself.” | [Sex Pollen | Gone Feral | Fuck or Die] @buckybarnesevents

Summary: (5k) Series Masterlist After a night out with Bucky’s friends, things will never be the same.

Warnings: 18+ Only. Slow burn. Grumpy/Sunshine trope. Happy Bucky (is that a warning?) - he's a photographer in this AU. Mention of insecurities and anxiety (she's a bit of a mess, okay?). Use of weed. Use of alcohol. Questionable drunk thoughts & decisions. Masturbation.

---------------------------

Bucky can’t stop.

Whether he’s awake or asleep, she’s there, occupying his thoughts. 

When he’s out with his friends, he imagines her there, getting to see her laugh and have a good time.

When he’s working, he thinks about what it’d be like to take her picture. To pose her. To touch her. To boost her confidence.

And when he’s asleep, he dreams of her, waking up harder than he’s ever been in his entire life.

It won’t stop, no matter what he does.

It’s even gotten to the point where Bucky’s considered telling her to start looking for another roommate, to offer to help her find someone. But, she’ll ask why, and he can’t lie to her. 

He’d have to tell her that he can’t stop thinking about her. That he can’t stop fantasizing about her. That he can’t stop picturing himself sneaking into the bathroom late at night to listen through the thin wall, hoping to catch the sounds she makes when she touches herself.

His confession would not only make her uncomfortable, but she’d never forgive him, and rightfully so. He’d just be another person in her life that ended up hurting her. So he selfishly does nothing, other than continue to allow himself to indulge in the fantasies, keeping it strictly to when she’s not home, or after she’s already gone to her room.

When they are together, he forces himself to keep his thoughts strictly PG-13, never risking giving her a reason to think he wants more than a friendship. Bucky doesn’t know as much about her as he’d like, but her avoidance of physical touch and vague answers about past relationships gives him no reason to think she’d even be interested. It’s just not worth the risk.

All he can hope is that eventually his feelings will fade, and until then he’ll continue on as normal. Inviting her out, hoping she says yes, while secretly starting to feel grateful that he’s been able to keep the two parts of his life separate. It’s been easier that way.

And then Steve opens his big fucking mouth. 

He wasn’t even supposed to be here for at least another hour, but here he stands in their kitchen, drinking one of Bucky’s beers, laughing at something Sunshine’s saying. Trying to get her to change her mind after Bucky extended the invitation.

Of all the times for his friend to get involved, it has to be on the night they’re heading to a bar to check out some live music. A crowd of noisy drunk people is so far out of her comfort zone that Bucky can't help but jump to her rescue, telling her, “It’s okay. Maybe another night.”

For some reason that Bucky hasn't figured out yet, Steve won’t let it go, interjecting before Sunshine can respond. “It won’t be too crazy, I promise.” With a friendly smile and a lift of his beer, he adds, “And if it ends up not being your thing, any one of us will be happy to bring you home.” 

It’s ridiculous to think that Steve is flirting with her, but the thought still crosses Bucky’s mind and it has his irritation growing, the sneaking feeling of jealousy threatening to build inside him. Resisting the urge to snap at his friend to be quiet, he keeps his attention on Sunshine, telling her, “You’re more than welcome to join us, but please don’t feel obligated because of this one.”

Her eyes bounce between the two men as she shifts uncomfortably and her cheeks flush, but she’s quick to shake her head. “It sounds like it could be fun… I’m just… um.” The anxiety building in her is palpable, causing Bucky’s concern to grow and his irritation at Steve to reach new levels. This is all his fault. Just as he opens his mouth to assure her, again, that there would be no hard feelings, she mumbles, “I’m not sure what to wear.”

The shy, awkward words cause Bucky’s chest to tighten and if he wasn’t worried about making this whole thing worse, he’d tell her exactly what he’s thinking. That it doesn’t matter what she wears because she always looks good. She could go dressed exactly as she is now - sweatpants and a worn t-shirt - and she’d still have his attention the whole night.

And then Steve beats him to it, the smile on his face conveying nothing but friendliness, but the words still get under Bucky’s skin. “You’ll look good no matter what you wear.” 

Bucky wants to be the cause of the blush that spreads across Sunshine’s skin. He wants to be the reason she rolls her eyes and laughs at the compliment. And if it were him saying it, he’d make sure she believed it too. He wouldn’t let her leave this kitchen without knowing, without a doubt, that she’s always beautiful.

That's not an option though. He has to watch her dismissively shake her head as she takes her leave, and the moment she’s out of earshot, the tension in Bucky’s shoulders grows. With a hard glare aimed at his best friend, Bucky asks, “What the fuck was that about?” There’s not much that can rattle him these days, but if there’s anyone that knows how to push his buttons, it’s Steve. 

Steve continues with the innocent act for a beat longer, making a show of taking a long, slow sip from his beer before he finally asks, “What? I can’t be nice to your roommate?” He’s immune to the subtle warning twitch of Bucky’s jaw, having spent years perfecting just how far he can take things without pissing Bucky off too much. 

When it comes to Sunshine though, his fuse is much shorter, and whatever game Steve’s playing, Bucky needs it to end now.

“Enough.” Bucky pushes himself off the counter he’s been leaning on, forcing himself to head towards the fridge instead of getting in Steve’s face. “Leave her alone.” Even as he says it, Bucky knows this isn’t really about her. His best friend never does anything just to piss him off. There’s always a reason behind his provoking, usually one Bucky doesn’t like.

“She said she wanted to come. You want her to come. So, what’s the issue?” And there it is. Steve’s agenda. Involving himself in things that don’t concern him. Trying to goad Bucky into a conversation that he doesn’t want to have. One that he’s been skirting around for weeks.

Refusing to take the bait, Bucky rolls his eyes and ducks his head into the fridge to grab a beer. He’s tired of his friends using the excuse that they’re ‘looking out for him’ when they try to insert themselves into his love life (or lack thereof). He’s not putting up with it tonight.

“You had your fun,” Bucky tells him, keeping his tone even as he twists the cap off the cold bottle in his hand, making it clear he’s reached his limit. “You got your wish. No more games. Leave it alone.”

The only goal is to make sure Sunshine has a good time tonight. 

-------------------

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. 

One minute she’s making a ‘joke’ about celebrating her recent promotion with a night filled with weed, games, and social media, and the next she’s agreeing to go out to a bar with them. 

She rarely goes out, and when she does it’s not to a crowded bar. It’s been a long time since she's even felt the desire, a brief stint in her early 20s spent anywhere but home having convinced her it wasn’t for her. A part of her life she barely remembers and one she definitely doesn’t want to revisit. 

Shaking the flash of memories from her head, she lifts her hand to wipe the light sweat covering her upper lip and keeps digging through her closet, searching for whatever will feel the most comfortable. Pajamas. At home. Alone. (Or maybe just with Bucky). 

She rolls her eyes at the thought and narrows her selections down to a few shirts, a couple of which she hasn’t worn in months, and the one pair of jeans that doesn’t dig into her stomach every time she sits down. Despite Steve’s friendly encouragement, she’s nervous, studying her reflection in the mirror as she tries on each shirt, growing sweatier with each change. 

None of them feel right. They’re either too tight, too big, or show off too much cleavage. This is her first time hanging out with Bucky’s friends and she doesn’t want to choose the wrong thing. She wants to blend in, draw the least amount of attention.

Several outfit changes later, she’s in a simple v-neck t-shirt, brushing her hair out of her reddened face, pulling the damp strands into a quick bun. The desire to wear her hair down was quickly overruled by her desire to not overheat and look like a mess tonight. 

It takes her a few minutes of sitting on her bed to cool off, trying her best not to look like she just ran a marathon, but as nervous and anxious as she is about tonight, she’s also excited. This has been a long time coming, and the edible she took a little while ago should help before they even get to the bar.

At least she’s stopped having inappropriate thoughts about Bucky. Well, for the most part anyway. She’ll still occasionally think about accidentally overhearing him in the shower, and she tries not to think about the really intense dream she had about him not that long ago, but it’s not everyday anymore so it’s easy to pretend it doesn’t exist.

And, hopefully, getting to see Bucky in his element tonight will put all this to rest. With any luck, she’ll get to watch him flirt with random women and finally learn what his type is. She assumes it’s the complete opposite of her. Someone bubbly and positive. Someone perky. Thin. Pretty. 

-------------------

Sunshine’s not wearing anything Bucky hasn’t seen her in before, but he swears there’s something different. Maybe it’s the passing streetlights illuminating her beauty, or the smile that’s been on her face since they got in their shared ride, or maybe it’s the light breeze coming in through the cracked car window, the wind blowing wisps of hair along her temples. 

Whatever it is, he’s having a hard time keeping his eyes off her, and an even harder time not letting his thoughts stray. The only saving grace is that Steve’s keeping her preoccupied from the front passenger seat, giving her all the gossip about their friends. How they all met. What everyone does for a living. The kind of shit they get up to when they hang out. 

“One of these days, ya gotta get Buck to tell you about the time he convinced us to break into a private club to go swimming.” 

Bucky doesn’t miss the way Sunshine’s eyes widen and her mouth opens in surprise, but he holds up his finger to correct Steve first. “Technically, it was ‘trespassing’ since I already had the key, and we wouldn’t have gotten caught if you hadn’t tripped the alarm on the way out. I told you exactly-.”

Steve is the first to interrupt him with a bark of a laugh, but before his best friend can start listing the useless defenses he has about that night, Sunshine speaks up, drawing both of their attention. “I’m sorry. You wanted to break into a private club?” 

Bucky’s reminder of ‘trespass’ earns him a glare that he takes in stride, laughing it off. “I worked there. I was allowed to use the pool. Whether or not I was allowed to bring guests was a gray area.”

Steve jumps in to finish, telling her, “It was not a gray area. We almost got arrested.” 

“We did not,” Bucky laughs, rolling his eyes at his best friend before turning his attention back to the woman that’s been driving him crazy. The look of slight amusement and bewilderment she’s giving has him clenching his hands in his lap, rubbing them along his jeans, wanting nothing more than to reach out and caress her cheek. To tuck a loose strand of hair behind her ear. Not letting a second of silence fill the air, he explains, “There was no risk of getting arrested. I did get fired though.”

The nonchalant shrug Bucky gives her only adds to her state of confusion, and he can’t help but think how cute she looks, with her slightly furrowed brow and the crinkle along the bridge of her nose. Hiding the grin growing on his face, he glances out the window, taking note of how close they are to their destination.

Probably thinking he’s doing him a favor, Steve’s more than happy to keep the conversation going, telling Sunshine, “Don’t let his sunny disposition fool you.” The subtle warning look that Bucky shoots him, a silent reminder of their earlier conversation, has Steve quickly adding, “He’s the greatest guy I’ve ever known, don’t get me wrong, but he’s about as innocent as -.” 

“Nope,” Bucky interrupts him with a loud laugh, reaching forward to grab Steve’s shoulder, refusing to let him finish that thought. Steve laughs with him, but keeps his promise, letting the subject drop, turning back around in his seat for the last remaining seconds of their trip, much to the happiness of their driver.

This is the first time Sunshine’s learning there’s more to him than meets the eye, and as she grows quiet, Bucky can only imagine what she’s thinking. Until now, she’s been limited to witnessing the sweet, happy, enthusiastic side of him, leaving her with the assumption that he’s a Boy Scout - a goody two-shoes. 

He’s far from it, and as much apprehension as he has about how she'll react to getting know this side of him, there's also a jolt of excitement that he can't ignore. Maybe this will make their friendship even better.

-------------------

This is what she wanted. To get to know Bucky better, to see what he’s like out in the world, with his friends, with other people. But, she feels caught off guard. Like, none of her conversations with Bucky, or the interactions she’s witnessed between him and his friends prepared her for this.

The whole time that he’s been trying to get her to come out of her shell, he’s been hiding parts of himself. He’s been careful with her, never crossing a line, probably choosing his words carefully. There’s no doubt that Bucky’s been doing it for her benefit, but now it all feels like a lie. Like he hasn’t been able to be himself with her, and it hurts her feelings.

Whatever foolish expectations she had for the evening have flown out the window, and she’s more than grateful when the car pulls to a stop, the three of them spilling out onto the busy sidewalk. Fighting the urge to get right back in the car to take herself home, she follows the men into the bar, doing her best to avoid Bucky’s gaze.

He’s probably worried about her. Probably thinking she’s in over her head, that she’s realizing she made a mistake coming tonight. He’s probably thinking I told you so. That she’s not cut out for this - the bar, his friends, him. 

The racing thoughts leave her just as quickly as they come, Steve getting her attention as he takes the lead to wind them through the crowd, Bucky in step right next to her. “I’m glad you decided to come tonight.” When all she manages is a slightly-forced smile that doesn’t quite meet her eyes, Steve adds, “After everything Bucky’s told us about you, we’ve been looking forward to this.”

She steals a quick glance at Bucky, not at all surprised to find him already looking at her. He’s been watching her since she agreed to come tonight, like it’s his job to make sure she doesn’t get overwhelmed, like he’s expecting her to have a nervous breakdown at any moment. The smile he gives her only seems to prove her point, and it doesn’t help when all he innocently asks is, “What? You don’t talk to your friends about me?”

Of course she does, but it does nothing to quiet her concerns about what he’s told his friends about her. Are they expecting her to be an anxious mess? That she’s going to suddenly bolt in the middle of a conversation? What exactly-. She’s interrupted by Steve again, who’s looking at his phone.

“Buck, Nat found a table, and Yelena already disappeared.” He says it with a laugh, as if it’s a normal occurrence, not waiting for a response from Bucky before he says, “Why don’t you go help her keep our spot. We’ll get the drinks.” 

Out of the corner of her eye, she sees Bucky open his mouth, and they all know what’s about to come out. The offer to switch places, have Steve go sit at the table while she and Bucky get the drinks. And for a split second, she wants him to. It would be so much easier.

But, how is she supposed to prove that she can handle this? That she’s perfectly capable of having a good time if she can’t even be alone with Bucky’s best friend for a few minutes? Both her and Steve answer at the same time - Steve telling him that they can manage a few drink orders, while she says it’s a good idea.

Obviously seeing that this isn’t a fight he’s going to win, and not wanting to risk losing their table, Bucky takes his leave, but not without giving them both one last look. At some point tonight, she and Bucky are going to have to hash this out, but not until she’s had a few drinks.

Keeping close to Steve, she follows him the rest of the way to the bar, not missing how he occasionally glances back to make sure she’s still there. She might feel like she doesn’t know Bucky as well as she thought, but there’s not a doubt in her mind that she’s safe with his friends. She has no reason to be worried about being alone with any one of them.

Well, other than for the fact that she has no idea what Bucky’s told them, or how they're going to treat her tonight. Maybe that’s why Steve wanted a minute alone with her. To tell her all the ways they’re going to help her, to make sure she doesn’t freak out or get overwhelmed. It wouldn’t be the first time a stranger’s given her unsolicited advice.

As if reading her mind, Steve sets her at ease, casually telling her, “He’s had nothing but great things to say about you.” With a raise of his arm, he gets the attention of the bartender to place their orders before turning his gaze back to her, the smile never leaving his face. His hand is still raised between them and he starts ticking things off on his fingers, recounting, “You’re the best roommate. You have great taste in music. And books. And movies.” With four of his digits raised, he lifts his thumb to add, “You’re hilarious. Should I keep going?”

She quickly shakes her head, a laugh bubbling out of her as her skin grows warm. These are all things Bucky’s told her, it’s just strange to hear them from his best friend, who she barely knows. With the effects of the edible having started to kick in a couple minutes ago, she feels comfortable enough to joke, “Is this the part where I’m supposed to list all the great things about Bucky?”

“God no,” Steve immediately tells her with a playful roll of his eyes and a grin that she’s sure has gotten him out of many a things in life. “I have to hear how great that man is all the time. I’d rather drink.” There’s no malice in his tone, no hint of resentment or frustration - this is just their relationship. They love each other and they give each other shit. Like brothers. Like family.

Ignoring the ache in her chest at the thought of family, she lets Steve talk her into doing a couple of the shots lined up on the bar for them. Not that it takes much convincing. There were never any plans to get through tonight even remotely sober.

-------------------

They all know. All of Bucky’s friends know that he has feelings for her, but they think it’s just a crush, like he’s in fucking high school. They have no idea that he can’t stop thinking about her, that it’s bordering on obsession. Not even Steve knows the extent of it. 

And tonight, they’re all too drunk to notice he’s been watching her, not out of concern for her mental well-being, but because she’s mesmerizing. Because Sunshine’s doing exactly what he’s been dreaming about for weeks - laughing and dancing and looking like she belongs right here. With his friends. With him.

The alcohol flowing through him makes it difficult to focus, and before he realizes it, Sunshine catches him in the act. Her attention had just been bouncing between joking with Nat and Sam, and watching the band currently playing, the music keeping most of the patrons on their feet. And now she’s staring right at him, as if she can read his mind. 

For a moment, he actually believes it, her brow slightly furrowing as she makes her way around the side of the table, reaching out to steady herself along the back of a chair. 

He has to fight the urge to help her, keeping his hands around his half-empty glass, the condensation wetting his fingers. After all the months of living together, all the conversations and late night Netflix marathons, he’s never touched her and now it’s all he can think about. It's the only thing on his mind, and she must be able to tell, because the look she’s giving him is telling him that he definitely fucked up. 

Just as he opens his mouth to apologize, she asks, “Can we go outside?” 

The only response he can muster is a quick nod of his head, and he silently follows her, his thoughts racing with what to tell her. How to explain himself. How to assure her that he’d never cross any lines. 

By the time they’re outside, the light breeze cooling their warm skin, he still doesn’t know where to start. He doesn’t know how to fix this. All he can do is watch her, almost losing focus at her flushed skin and glassy eyes. Even drunk and stoned, she’s the most beautiful person he’s ever seen.

“Are we friends?” The question blindsides him. Makes him stand there, stunned, confused, and silent. Trying to work out why she’s asking that, of all the things she could be asking right now. With a slight slur to her words, she continues, telling him, “I like dirty jokes and inappropriate humor. I like teasing my friends and giving them shit about stupid stuff. I’m not great at rule-breaking, but I wouldn’t lecture you about it.”

The hurt in her eyes betray the joking tone she’s keeping, clearly trying to make light of a situation that’s been bothering her all night - since she learned that he’s not the wholesome, straight-laced guy she assumed him to be. 

So he did fuck up, just not in the way he thought. 

“I never thought you would lecture me,” he promises her, keeping the shaking of his head to a minimum, his eyes quickly losing focus. He blinks the blurriness away and gives her a warm smile, shoving his hands in his pockets to resist the urge to comfort her with his touch. “I just never wanted to put you in a situation where you were uncomfortable, Sunshine. Especially in your own home.”

The quick peak of her tongue wetting her lips has his cock stirring in his jeans, and it takes all his self control not to keep his gaze on her mouth. To ignore the flash of need to kiss her, to feel her lips on his, to taste her. He’s so busy trying to pretend he’s listening to her that he just barely catches what she's saying. 

“I'm more uncomfortable with your early morning singing and never-ending enthusiasm than I’d ever be with a dirty joke.”

Her response catches him off guard, and all he can do is laugh. All this time, he's been working so hard to reign in the parts of himself that might bother her, or make things awkward, and it was the complete opposite of what he should have been doing.

-------------------

She likes making him laugh. The crinkle of his eyes. The flash of his teeth. The slight shake of his head that has him lifting his hand to run it through his hair. She wants to feel it, to run her fingers through the soft strands. It’s the perfect length to grab hold of while-.

“I’ll keep that in mind,” he says, laughter still pouring out of him. For the briefest of moments, she thinks she said it outloud, but quickly realizes what he means. 

After tonight, things will be different between them, like they’ve given each other permission to really be themselves. And as they return to the rest of the group, she can’t stop thinking what it’s going to be like from now on. The kind of jokes he’ll make. The off-hand comments she won’t keep holding back. The teasing they’ll get up to. 

All the inappropriate thoughts she’s been ignoring return ten-fold and she wonders if he’s a tease in bed. If he likes to drive his partner crazy. If he likes to be in control.

By the time the night is over, and they’re sharing a ride back home, she can’t stop stealing glances at him. Her eyes drifting to his mouth, wondering how he kisses. His five-o’clock shadow and what it would feel like between her thighs. His strong hands on her body.

That’s how she ends up in her bedroom, after a quick trip to the bathroom and a brief goodnight to Bucky - wishing like hell they had hugged, wanting the intoxicating smell of him to linger on her clothes and skin - she’s under her covers, naked and writhing at the touch of her own hand, her fingers teasing her nipples, the hand between her thighs ghosting over her swollen clit.

It’s easy to convince herself that because she has no idea what he’s really like in bed, this doesn’t count. This is just a fantasy that could be about anyone. Bucky’s just filling that role. He’s just a face for her to picture while she buries her fingers inside her dripping pussy, the palm of her hand pressed hard against her clit.

It gets harder to pretend as the pleasure builds and the fantasy becomes more intense, picturing him between her spread thighs, fucking her hard and fast, his growl of dirty words filling her head. And soon, she’s fantasizing about him hearing her - how he’d burst in and join her, bury his head between her thighs and fuck her with his tongue.

She’s not drunk enough to allow herself more than a couple seconds of unabashed noises, as if she’s really trying to tempt him, before she’s reigning it back. It’d never happen, but at least she has tonight. At least, for right now, she can pretend it’s him making her come, her hand quickly coming up to cover her mouth so she doesn’t scream his name.

-------------------

He shouldn’t be doing this. Bucky knows he shouldn’t be doing this, but he can’t stop himself. He blames it on the alcohol skewing his sense of integrity, but it’s a lie. He knows what he’s doing is wrong, and yet he stands here, barely breathing, his ear pressed to the thin wall that separates the bathroom from her bedroom.

Refusing to give in to the temptation to touch himself, he keeps his sweaty hands on the wall, his fingers tensing and flexing against the hard surface. He’s not sure he’ll be able to forgive himself for eavesdropping like this, but touching himself at the same time would be a step too far. The guilt would eat away at him until he was forced to move out without warning.

Bucky doesn’t know how long he stands there, his heart racing and his eyes closed, all his focus trained on what’s happening in her bedroom, until he finally starts to hear her. The barely audible gasps, the muffled moans, the occasional cut-off cry that has his cock straining against his jeans. 

It’s better than anything he could’ve imagined and as wrong as this is, he can’t stop. Visions of what she’s doing plays through his mind, the possibilities of how she touches herself, what she’s fantasizing about, what’s causing the incredible noises spilling out of her.

And then the obvious signs of her getting closer suddenly has him sobering up. She’s drunk. Neither of them are in the right state of mind, and no matter how much he wants to stay right here to listen to her come, he hasn’t earned that right. He’ll never earn that right.

It still doesn’t stop him from ending the night the same way he’s ended every night for the past several weeks. This time, though, as he slowly strokes his cock, he doesn’t have to imagine what she sounds like. It’s all right there in his head, playing on a loop, working him quickly towards an intense orgasm, the sound of her name muffled as he covers his mouth with the palm of his hand.

There’s no doubt that he’ll regret this tomorrow, but as his cock stays hard in his grip, he can’t seem to care. It feels too good to stop, and it’s not long before he’s stroking himself again, his body aching for her touch. He’ll never have it, but that doesn’t mean he can’t live in this fantasy for just a few moments.

And if he’s lucky, he’ll forget all about this by the time morning comes.

---------------------------

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Hot Bucky Summer Masterlist

Main Masterlist

[sleepingelvhen]

The Bat Boys 🦇

A Court of Thorns and Roses NSFW Headcanons [Rhysand, Azriel, and Cassian] Minors DO NOT Interact Masterlist

RHYSAND

As the High Lord of the Night Court, Rhysand has been feared as long as he can remember. Lord of nightmares, Amarantha’s whore, Death Incarnate…he’s heard it all and he’s learned just as well to ignore the daggers the words stabbed into him. His inner circle are the only people he trusts, finding it easier to mask himself with the cold cruelty the world expects. But what if someone sees through that mask? When you look into his hardened gaze and see the kindness beneath – it’s enough to break even him.

SFW

His lips will press into your neck, arms wrapped around your body to keep you held against his chest. It’s impossible to step away, not when he desperately needs to touch you in some way, to keep reminding you that he loves you because he will not dare risk you forgetting. Try to pull away and you’ll find him giggling into your neck, leaving trails upon trails of soft kisses along your neck, your cheek, and into your hair until he tells you no and holds you tighter.

When I tell you this man loves physical affection, I mean you're being cuddled tightly in his sleep, your arm is always hooked into his own, you’re sitting on his lap when he has business to attend to, and every time he sees you, he leaves you with many kisses.

You’re always lavish with gifts. Jewelry placed upon your bed in the morning, chocolates and other snacks always appearing in the kitchen wrapped with ribbons for you. He likes to feed you these snacks, hold you on his lap and press one of the little chocolate truffles into your mouth. He looks so innocent, smiling as he does so. He just wants you to like his gifts, that’s all.

It’s scary to see his face turn cold when the two of you are in public, far away from Velaris. Rhys will keep his arm around your shoulder, body radiating danger to any who approach. One would see a possessive and violent male, keeping his mate so close they could never get away if they tried. But you know it's all an act. Indeed, he’d rather die than let you feel trapped or hurt. It was simply something he had to pull off, keep those within his court afraid and obedient. They respected his strength and coldness, and as such they respected you.

Sometimes it gets a bit too scary. Even you can get caught off guard at the command in his voice, especially when it turns on you. Your playfulness is not fully tolerated, especially when it pushes his cold mask. And with a stern voice telling you to stop, you can’t help but feel a little hurt. He will make it up to you as soon as he can, flying as fast as possible to Velaris, whispering so many apologies and kissing every part of your face so you can forgive him. He promises he’ll make it up to you. He promises.

NSFW

Rhysand loves seeing your face as he rolls his hips, rutting himself inside of you. You can see his face wrought in pleasure, as he stares into your eyes, moving slowly at first, letting you get used to his size. He wanted so much more but he was far from cruel. He coos softly, murmuring gentle praises about how gorgeous you look beneath him, how good you’re doing, taking him so well. But he wants to hear your voice, he wants you to moan and whimper, the sweet honey of your voice would hypnotize him.

He is the dominant one here, loving to be on top, loving to take control. He adores seeing you mewl beneath him, loves how he can grab you and move you around to his heart’s content. He will tease you through the whole way, touching you without reaching the parts you need to be pressed into, licking and kissing you but never letting you have what you want. It brings a cruel smile to his face, as you become putty in his hand.

Make him go completely weak and feral by wearing clothes that barely cover you. Teasing him with how he can nearly see everything, but not enough, the one spot he wants to see is covered with cloth, so tight against your skin. He’s drooling at the sight, and desperate to get you in bed as soon as possible.

Be careful when turning him on. He is unafraid to take you whenever and wherever. In fact, he gets off when people are watching as he’s stroking and rubbing and licking you. Your embarrassment would fuel him even more, loving the pink fluster upon your face, the way your lips tremble as you try not to let your body twitch and shake as he works you into the next orgasm.

And, of course, he will take you in the sky. Focused on flying but seeing you in his arms, legs wrapped around his waist. You're irresistible, so much so that he can’t help but lose control and take you right there. Who cares who sees? Who cares who hears how loud he’s going to make you? All that matters is getting his cock sheathed in you and allowing the canted movement of his wings to carry the two of you through the air as he desperately breeds you.

He’s unafraid to please you, he wants to please you. It doesn’t matter if he gets off or not, he wants his face between your legs, sucking at every sensitive bit, his tongue reaching places that make you scream. Fingers digging into the plush of your thighs, keeping you spread as he slurps up everything he can get. It’s like a fine wine to him, and he can’t get enough.

AZRIEL

Decorated in blue siphon and cloaked in shadow; Azriel is one of the most feared Illyrians in the land. Hidden and quiet within the dark, all the information his to know and no one’s to discover. It’s an understatement to say he’s intimidating, brooding in the corner of almost any room, listening to any gossip he can hear, and gaining even more information from the whispering shadows that coil around his feet, licking at his calves. And yet, as intimidating as he is, you can see the kindness behind his eyes. The desperation for someone to understand who he really was.

SFW

His eyes are always on you, watching over you as often as possible. Protective is an understatement, but he wouldn’t provoke…no, a cold gaze was often enough to ward away anyone who approached you with ill intent. But having him brooding in the corner wouldn’t do. You’d bring out the playfulness in him, grabbing his hands and dragging him into the party. People were uncomfortable but you…he could focus on you. A shadow of a smile was all you needed to know he was okay.

Azriel would be nervous of physical affection at first, worried he’d make you feel uncomfortable, afraid to push you away by moving too fast or coming off as too needy. Even after you’ve shown you’re okay with it, the most you get in public is him standing close in your space, his hand on your shoulder when guiding you or talking to you, or his hand planted on the small of your back, thumb rubbing circles in comfort.

He likes giving you little gifts as well. Almost like a crow, he’ll come up to you with a pretty little gem or stone he found or bought, looking to the side as you accept it. Maybe he’d buy some jewelry for you but he enjoys making you things, little crafting projects that make him think of you. It would be adorable if you taught him how to make cheesy friendship bracelets, the colorful cheap braided creations something he would find joy in making for you.

Do you have a lot to do today? He will offer his help immediately. If he’s not busy, he’s helping you with chores, or even silently doing something he knew you were gonna ‘get to later’. How did he know? Well…he’s a spymaster for a reason and the shadows aren’t just for show.

He loves just spending time with you. You don’t have to do anything together, but being in the same room as you, reading or cuddling, he doesn’t mind. As long as you’re there and you’re together, he’s happy.

Speaking of his little shadows – they adore you. They don’t just act as his little spies, they also show a bit of his own emotions and where he is a little on the edge about showing affection, they are swirling around your ankles, poking your face or curling around your wrist. Like little animals, swaying side to side once they see you, singing a melody only the two of you can hear.

NSFW

When I say this man is the kinkiest fucker. He’s needy and desperate and can’t keep his hands off of you. Squeezing your sides, pulling you roughly beneath him as he straddles you. Breathing in your scent and moaning into your ear, hands groping and stroking any part of you he can find. The way he will lick your inner thigh before searching for more with his mouth, ready to make you moan and writhe beneath him, desiring more than anything to hear your sweet sounds. He’s going in with one goal: to make you forget how to think.

Here’s hoping you are into the same things he’s into. He wants to tie you up, gag you, choke you, pull your hair, leave bite marks all over you, and spank you. And that’s not even all of it. Azriel is taking you in multiple positions, moaning obscenities into your ear, praising you for being such a ‘good slut’, because you take him so fucking well. One large hand wrapped around your throat while the other digs into your hips, crescent shaped marks left in your skin.

Lingerie really fucks with his man. Wearing any lacey, silky, article of clothing makes his mind instantly fog up and there will be no escaping him as he grabs your hand and pulls you towards the bed. He’ll make you keep it on while he pulls it to the side to slot himself in, growling as he fits so perfectly into you, his wings shuddering in pleasure. Grab his wings if the opportunity presents itself, rub them and scratch them, and you’ll hear the loudest moan you’ve ever heard from him.

As quiet as this man is, he has the dirtiest mouth imaginable. He’s insulting you, praising you, telling you what he’s gonna do to you to make you scream, and if it isn’t the hottest thing in the world. Go ahead and struggle, he loves it when you struggle against him, fighting futilely as he drives himself in deeper, holding you down with a grin. 

He knows he’s done well when you start crying from overstimulation or pain. Azriel is licking up your tears, mocking you as he goes harder and faster, laughing darkly into your neck while sucking on the bruises he already made there. 

You know his shadows are playing too. Wrapped around your wrists and ankles, pushing into you like separate appendages. Wherever he isn’t touching, they’re making up for it, and it’s so strange but amazing how they rub against you and push between your lips. Blanketing both of you in the heat of the moment in a cascade of shadows.

Azriel calms down a bit after multiple rounds of this, holding you close and whispering in your ear praises and apologies, worried he hurt you or that you hate him. Run your fingers through his hair and hold him close. You both will need a long bath afterwards, one you will end up sharing, cleaning one another.

CASSIAN

One of the most playful of the bat boys, Cassian is all cocky grins and flirtatious phrases. It’s a mask of sorts, hiding the negativity within him as best as he can. Many are intimidated by him and his strength, being the commander of The Night Court’s armies. Where others may cower from his shining gaze, you don’t see his strength as a trait to hide from. You can see the genuine kindness in his eyes, and the pain he hides below. And as someone he feels he can trust, he is unafraid to be vulnerable.

SFW

With a wide, cocky smile, Cassian will take you everywhere with him. It doesn’t even have to be work-related, and most often has nothing to do with it. You said you want to go see the stars? He’s flying you to the best vantage point, strong arms holding you close to his chest. You wonder what the other courts look like? Guess you’re going on a vacation. And he’s by your side every step of the way.

He loves holding your hand. As mundane as it seems, he loves seeing your small hand captured in his. He’ll be comparing your hand sizes, making fun of you for how small you are compared to him, and kissing your forehead while he keeps your hand entwined with his.

Joking around is his favorite way to show how comfortable the two of you are. He makes fun of you, and you make fun of him. He avoids any topics that would make you uncomfortable, and teases you in only the ways you find funny. He likes to poke your sides, sneak up on you and pick you up, and throw food at you. 

If Cassian’s jokes do go too far, you just have to say so, and you’ll be met with apologies upon apologies. He’ll be sure to avoid whatever hurts your feelings in the future. Jokes and playfulness are meant to be all in good fun, and if you are feeling hurt then he knows he did something wrong.

Now, he may not be overly possessive, but if someone is flirting with you or making you uncomfortable, he is striding up, his arm wrapping around your shoulders while he glares daggers at whoever is even trying. The smile stays on, teeth glinting in a threatening kindness. You can complain and poke fun at him all you want, but he’s not letting anyone think they have a chance with you, not while he’s alive.

Expect long mornings laying in bed, his arm trapping you to his chest as he snores, his nose nuzzling your neck. He likes sleeping in as much as he enjoys training with his brothers. And his love of sleep only increases when you’re involved. “Five more minutes,” he's huffing into your ear, one of his hands covering your eyes. “Go back to sleep.” Any chance of leaving this situation disappears when he drapes his wings over your body like a second blanket, his arms wrapping around your stomach, and he throws his leg over your own.

NSFW

Sleepy morning sex. You’re just waking up, still hazy, and you’re finding yourself trapped in a tight cuddle. And as you struggle to get up for the day, he’s groaning and kissing your neck, slowly waking up. But he starts to press his hardened cock against your ass, his husky voice greeting you with a lust-filled, “good morning,” and you don’t know why you thought you’d be leaving the bed.

Cassian likes to move a bit slowly at first, hands caressing you, his hips rubbing against your body – teasing you in every spot you want him. Maybe he’s being lazy, or maybe he wants to hear you actually beg for it. Because, oh, when you beg for him, he’s smirking and shoving his hand into your bottoms, thick fingers rubbing you in all the right places, hooking inside of you to feel every inch.

And when you moan, he’s chuckling in that deep voice, praising you for your sounds. “Such a pretty noise,” he groans out. “Do that again.” And the more noises you make, the more impatient he gets. Soon enough, he’s pressing you into the mattress, your clothes half pulled off as he’s rolling his hips into you, moaning out in delight as your body wraps around him.

Cassian loves the little noises you make as he fucks you, and they get even more delectable when he pulls your hair. He can’t help how his hips stutter, his body shivering in delight as you gasp out, his hands tugging at the strands of your hair. He swears you tightened around him just then, and he plans to test out if that’s true.

Cassian certainly has a high sex drive, and one that can flare up at any time, often at inopportune times as well. You’re cooking in the kitchen? He’s wondering how you’d look bent over the counter. You’re talking with his brothers? His mind is going wild wondering how you’d feel if he just started touching you in front of them. And don’t think he wouldn’t do it, him and the bat boys have done some things around each other, and he’d be lying if he said the thought of being watched didn’t turn him on.

You want him to go crazy? To lose his mind? Ask him to breed you. Tell him you want to have his babies, and the next surface is where you're being pressed into for the next hour or so. Legs over his shoulders, arms wrapped around your waist, all while he’s rutting himself into you with reckless abandon. He just wants to fill you up and the thought of seeing you pregnant…well, now he needs another round.

Don’t worry about being exhausted afterwards, he’s immediately carrying you to a bath to clean you up. You need warmth for your muscles, and he needs to watch you covered in soap and tease you about what just happened. After your lovely little bath session, your back to cuddling, and falling asleep with him never once letting you go.

[r3starttt]

Don’t delete the kisses

a/n: I got my inspo from “See You In My 19th Life” also, felt too personal. Basically reader inspired on me lol

Pt 2. | Prt.3 | Prt.4

Warnings: mentions of bullying, suicide, lots of angst and fluff

“I see the signs of a lifetime, you ‘til I die”

You’ve had seventeen lives so far. You’ve been all kinds of people in all kinds of places, and you always remember each one of them. It always happens for different reasons, it could be a smell that reminded you of a perfume, a new dish that apparently you’ve already tried before, a face that felt familiar, a song that made you feel weirdly in love.

At first it was horrifying, it was so confusing and you made so many mistakes. You told people about it. You tried to find your loved ones, tried to approach to them again because your heart still missed them. But eventually you learned to handle it. Eventually the pain of past life losses disappeared and you just learned to ignore your not so nice gift.

You’ve also learned to adapt to every life, which was becoming easier every time because the knowledge, talents and hobbies from every life apparently stayed with you. Maybe it was your soul?

You stopped having complains and learned to value and enjoy everything. You appreciated every mistake you made because it helped you learn for a future life, you enjoyed feeling everything so deeply because it would help you remember the next time you reincarnate, you showed your love for everyone and did everything you wished so you wouldn’t have any regrets. You learned to be positive and take advantage of everything that was offered to you on each life.

Until now.

Ever since you were a child you’ve felt empty. Loved but not enough to fill your heart, admired but feeling like you’re not worth it, with friends that care for you and a lovely family that provides you all you need and all you could ever ask for but feeling like you don’t deserve them. Maybe you were born sad?

It seems like your whole life happened in the blink of an eye. Maybe it’s the sadness that hasn’t allowed you to enjoy this life properly, but where does that come from?

Maybe you’ve got used to sadness so much that you don’t know how to handle it on this life? It’s frustrating, not even all the knowledge in the world, all the abilities you’ve learned and your old soul can handle such feeling. It’s the first thing you’ve been unable to control, ever.

There is a reason why it got out of control though. When you were eleven you were bullied by your whole class, including some professors. And it didn’t matter how much privilege you had, neither you or your parents could do anything about it.

That’s the moment all the lonely, angry and sad in you became overwhelming, the moment you started to believe in god again just to beg him every day to kill you, to let you die.

And even if that was almost ten years ago it still haunts you. The humiliation, the anger, the loneliness. And you can’t handle it, not because you don’t know how to, but because your body doesn’t allow you to.

Your heart always reminds you of it, like it happens with your past lives, there’s always a smell, a word, an action. The way those kids made you feel, they things those adults said to you, the way your parents broke in tears when you first told them, the awkwardness at home whenever they tried to make you talk to them. It all stuck to you forever.

“What if it’s not meant for me? Love”

However there was someone that was worth trying to live. Her name is Ellie, and you’ve been dating her for some years now.

She’s your childhood best friend, the person you trust the most on this world and the only one that doesn’t make you feel overwhelmed. Your girlfriend and the lover you’ve feel more connected to or all your lives.

“Do you believe in soulmates?” You’re both laying on her bed, staring at the ceiling and talking about random stuff, whatever goes trough your minds “Or…. reincarnation”

“None of them, do you?” you could see her moving her head towards you from the corner of your eye “Yeah, I’d like us to be soulmates and find each other on each life” a chuckle came out of Ellie’s mouth “you’re so cheesy ughh” you laughed back, kicking her shoulder with your arm to which she complained.

“I know but, I’ve never loved someone this much el” you turned your head too, smiling at the look of Ellie’s shy smile and and her slightly tainted cheeks “you’ve really saved my life, you know it” Just as those words were spoken, her face changed completely.

“all good?”

You could see the worry on her face, in the way her eyes studied yours and on the pout that slowly appeared. You just sighed back, hesitating a bit and debating if you should tell her the truth or not.

“It’s probably my birthday, I’ll be fine” the reassurment in your voice didn’t seem to convince her, so you spoke again “el, things have been good in the past few years, it’s not gonna change suddenly”

“What if they do?” she’s right, what if they do?

“They won’t, I would already know and I would tell you, I promise” you do know, but you won’t tell her, not now.

“You tell me to get over it and to take you out, but I can’t and I’m too scared. “

You’ve tried to take your life some years ago, before Ellie and you started to date. Honestly, to this day you still don’t know how you managed to not die. It was late at night, right before your birthday, it always makes you feel extremely sad for some reason, you believe is the fear of growing up, of things getting harder.

“And here’s the night bus, I have to go. And the doors are closing and you’re waving”

You’ve had that feeling for over a month. All your healing process falling apart just for your birthday? you still feel ashamed about it. You just took some random blade you’d saved for this moment and started to practically stab your wrists.

All your thoughts mixed with the weirdly feeling of pain and satisfaction and the blood dripping down your arms blinded you, and in the blink of an eye you just loose the balance and fainted.

But you promised yourself that if you didn’t make it back then, you would try it again, no matter what. Or at least you tried to convince yourself.

“What if it’s not meant for me? Love”

“What are you gonna gift me?” you decided to better change the topic before your thoughts could overwhelm any of you “What do you want?” Her hands tangle with yours.

“You haven’t got me anything yet?” a laugh scapes your mouth “I do but…. I don’t know” Ellie loved handmade gifts, however she always does something different for you. “You know I love your gifts el, you can give me a rock and I would admire it forever”

Your hands slowly move from Ellie’s, cupping her face and making her look at you. She’s so pretty, with the light of the sun coming through the window snd hitting her freckles just perfect, making her eyes look shiny too.

“So you want a rock then?” of course she had to make jokes, she can’t handle romantic moments, gets to nervous. You just roll your eyes.

“You know, a perfect gift would be that you stopped using those crusty converse” she immediately groans, pushing your hands away from her face and leaning on her back

“What’s wrong with them?”

“They smell, they’re broken and they’re dirty as fuck because you never clean them”

“They don’t smell! and I glued them recently”

“Ellie, please”

“But don’t call me by my full name”

“I’m not! And I’ve always called you Ellie”

“No you haven’t, you call me El”

“El, please buy some new converse for my birthday”

“And what do I get for doing it?”

“Your girlfriends happiness”

“I think that’s a sign. I’m losing self control and it’s you”

And that’s how you it was for the rest of the day. Ellie pouting every time you teased her but calling you dramatic if you said anything about her teasing you. Also, Ellie suddenly telling you random facts about dinosaurs and space and just random stuff in general.

That was the las time you saw her, until your birthday. She’d come earlier than anyone else to have more time alone with you. It’s not that you had many friends but your family always came too so they’d keep you busy all day.

A day before you were looking through your closet, finding all the cute gifs Ellie had made you, admiring the details of all her drawings and reading the letters. Watching all the Polaroids your mom took of you two, the gift she made for you when she asked you to be her girlfriend, a bracelet she gifted you when you asked her to be her friend, a letter you made for her from when you first fought.

And it made you feel horrible, because the decision was already made, the letters for all the people you cared about were already written and saved in your desk. Your phone was already unlocked so everyone could have access to it, your room was tidy and your closet clean.

You were just waiting for her, for tomorrow, for all your family to be together when you left so it would be hopefully easier to everyone. For everyone to be there and get their letters, for Ellie to not be alone when she got the news, for your parents and your girlfriend to be comforted by each other’s presence.

You went downstairs, looking for Ellie since you heard your parents already speaking with her. They were all siting at the dining room.

It made your heart melt to see you happy she looked the moment she saw you. Her eyes, her pretty nose scrunching a little, her smile widening.

“Can I see my gift already?” Your parents laughed in disbelief, telling you to at lest greet her properly before asking her about a gift.

“Your parents told me you’ll open them later” she chuckled, looking at your parents and then back at you, you did the same.

You stepped closer to her, grabbing her hands and taking her to your room.

“Can you at least tell me what is it? I’ll act surprised I promise”

“A rock”

“Haha so funny el”

You closed the door behind you, watching Ellie sitting on your bed. She just stared at you, with puppy eyes of course. You really hoped you wouldn’t remember this when you reincarnated, or at least that It wouldn’t hurt as much as it does right now.

“What’s that box?” her finger pointed at the box you were just looking trough last night. You walked towards it and took it to the bed, sitting besides Ellie.

“All your gifts” she looked at you in pure shock “This is something I did for you when we were like…. Seven or something, why’d you still have it?”

“My mom saved all this things, it’s cute isn’t?”

“I feel exposed”

“What’s wrong with it? I love all of it”

“Your gift is not gonna fit in here”

“So it’s not a rock and defined not a new pair or converse” your eyes moved towards Ellie’s shoes, she just sighed

“Stop it, you’re the only one that notices them”

“My parents do, my mom asked my why you never changed them” that was a lie, but how could Ellie know?

You did the same thing as last nigh, take a final look to all the gifts that Ellie had made to you, not now with her. You’d made fun of her and she would just frown her eyebrows and eventually pout if she felt really ashamed of it. You’d make her read the letters out loud and ask her about the process of every draw she’d made of you.

“This letter is for me, why didn’t you give it to me?” Now you understood the feeling, karma. “We fought, I decided it was better to apologize in person” her hands leaned the letter towards you, making you read it out loud just as you’d made her do to you.

“January 13 2020” you stopped as she laughed “don’t laugh, you wanted me to read it I’ll read every detail then”

“I’m sorry for whatever I did to make you mad, I’m still not sure what it was- Ellie, you’re such a dramatic person”

“Me? You’re the one that’s dramatic for making a whole letter even though you hate writing just to randomly apologize”

“This just proves how much I love you, shut up”

“Right, keep reading”

“I’m still not sure what it was, but I feel like apologizing because Dina told me how much you’ve been crying and how awful I made you feel-“ you got interrupted by a loud gasp

“Why would Dina told you?” She slapped her hands on her face, groaning “only fucking fake friends these days” you laughed

“Hey don’t say that! I love Dina, she’s the sweetest and I bet she also tells you all I tell her about you, you’re overreacting for something that happened three years ago”

“You speak about me with her?” You nodded

“I want you to know that I’m so fucking grateful for having someone like you in my life. For a long time you were the only one that made me laugh, the only one that made me feel happy and loved and like life was worth it. You’re the reason I keep trying” you could feel the knot of tears forming in your throat, so painful “I feel like you got mad for what I said, but I want you to know that I didn’t mean it in a bad way, I wanted you to know how I truly felt about you and us and my life. I didn’t want to lie to you, I can’t. I was hoping you could understand that I didn’t tell you that before because I was afraid of how would you react, because I care for you snd I don’t want you to get hurt just for my weakness-“

The door of the room got opened after some small knocks were heard. Everyone had got there already. You didn’t realize how long you’ve been in your room with Ellie, totally worth it though.

You just saved the letter in the box again. You’ve purposely let it in your room for Ellie to take a look of it later that day, for her to have something left from you.

You both went downstairs again, Ellie went with your friends and you went to greet each family member, having some small talk with everyone and thanking them for being here.

And the time today felt extremely fast. Maybe this was the first birthday you’ve properly enjoyed, maybe you were excited or anxious, maybe it was the calm you’ve felt for the first time in years, maybe-

“I wanna eat the cake already, can’t you hurry them?” Ellie’s hands positioned around your waist, hugging you from behind and pulling you closer to her. You could see her pretty face resting on your shoulder, staring at you.

“You smell like gummies” you smiled without even realizing, now looking at Ellie. Her lips pressed in yours, the sour and sweet flavor invading your tongue “I ate gummies”.

“There’s tons of food El, why don’t you just eat something that’s not candy? Instead of asking for cake that by the way you won’t get to eat” she pinched your stomach slightly “why won’t I get to eat cake?” “I don’t think there’s enough for everyone

“I deserve it more than them, I’ve been with you, listening to your annoying voice every day” now you pinched her back “shut up or you really won’t get any”

“Do we really have to stay here with everyone? Your grandpa freaks me out” you chuckled “stop being rude to my family” “do we?” “let’s go outside”

And so you walked to the small garden behind your house, sitting on the cold grass with Ellie

“You seem happier this year…. do you feel happier?” you can see her toying with her fingers, staring at them to avoid eye contact “are you worried about me?” your gaze is now focused on your family, inside the house. You can see your friends almost eating each other on the closest window, it makes you laugh.

“The letter…. am I really that important to you?”

“You’re my best friend since forever el, you’re my girlfriend, why wouldn’t you?”

“I don’t know, I thought I didn’t help you at all”

“You do”

You turned around again, facing Ellie. She was picking the grass. How were you supposed to leave her? How were you supposed to ever live without her?

You grabbed her face with your hands, pulling her closer for a kiss. Her lips felt just perfect for yours, her skin was so soft, her face just the right size for your hands to fit, her hair the right strength for you to feel it every time you two kissed. You couldn’t do this to her

You tried to break the kiss, but her hands moved behind your back, pulling you closer to her again and deepening the kiss. You could feel her smile trough the kiss, she’s so fucking pretty.

“I love you Ellie, I’ve always loved you, don’t ever doubt it” she laughs in confusion “I love you too” It was the third time you probably said it out loud, you really wished you would’ve told her sooner.

“I’m electric, a romantic cliché”

“Take this, I was planning on give it to you later but…. I guess it’s the right time” you looked confused at her, she was looking for something on her hoodie pockets. A rock

Maybe you should wait, just a little more, just for her.

The rock was painted with your favorite colors, it was your face. Why is she so lovely? Why can’t her love fill your heart? What’s wrong with you?

She slowly puts it on your hands, studying your face, looking for any reaction. You lean on her, hugging her as both of your bodies fall on the grass. You can’t see her but she’s definitely smiling.

“I can’t imagine a life without you Ellie, don’t ever dear to leave me” she thought you were just being romantic because of the gift, but you mean it, you hope you fin her always and forever. To hopefully have the life you won’t be able to enjoy with her this time.

Her hands rubbing your back, her nose smelling your perfume, nuzzling on your neck “I won’t, I promise”

“Let’s go for the cake, I can hear your stomach” you rest your arms on the grass, positioning each one besides Ellie’s face and giving her another kiss. Her eyes look so pretty.

The sky turns orange as you get inside the house again. You hate this part of the day because it means it’s almost over, and today specially you want everything but the day to end. You hope every smiley face in the house can forgive you for what you’re about to do, you hope they understand.

So now you’re siting in the middle of the table, with everyone you love around you as they sing happy birthday to you. Ellie is sitting besides you, taking pictures of you. And you can only thank her in a small whisper, and thank the universe in your mind for letting her have that picture as her last memory of you.

The minute the song is over everyone claps, watching you turn off the candle. You always wished for happiness, but today you’re just wishing for forgiveness. Your smile is wide, it hurts to lie to everyone there.

Before your mom cuts the cake for you as she usually did, you grab the knife and cut a big slice of cake for Ellie. “Can we open the gifts?” you ask loudly to everyone, knowing that way your parents wouldn’t make you wait more.

Everyone’s eating cake, sitting on the couches in the living room, most men in the room staring up, Ellie sitting besides you on the floor and offering you to open the gifts to “help you” but you know she’s just gossiping.

Whenever you didn’t like a gift you’d look at Ellie and she’s look back at you, like you could communicate with each other just with your eyes. She’d laugh and pass you another gift.

If you did like a gift then she’d take it from you and would stare at every detail of it. She’d separate discreetly the ones you liked from the ones you didn’t, she’d usually keep those or Insist you on selling them online.

However the more gifts you opened the more anxious you got. “Where’s your gift el?” you whispered as your mom passed you another gift, that seemed to be the last one. But it was way to small to be from Ellie “mine goes last, open that one, come on”

And so you did, it was a set of some pink pijamas, and the moment you opened them you turned your face at Ellie, she was already laughing “Shut up”

“Wait, there one more” you heard your mom speaking as she walked to the kitchen. Everyone looked at her, waiting to see what it was.

She returned with a big rectangular canvas. Did she just made a huge fucking painting for me? you thought, looking back at Ellie who seemed clearly nervous.

“I’ll give you the letter later, I didn’t want to get exposed in front of your whole family” she whispers

You take the canvas and turn it around. It was a portrait of a picture she took of you the day she asked you to date. It was so detailed, so colorful and just so right. You showed it proudly to your family. Everyone cheered Ellie and you couldn’t help but smile at the sight of her shy face, her cheeks covered in blush as she looked at her fingers, just as she did whenever she felt nervous. Your friends making fun of Ellie and you for being so “adorable” as you heard them say.

And the rest of the night Ellie just stood close to you, listening to everyone share all the fun memories and stories they had with you. She shared ridiculous things she’d lived with you, making you cover your face ashamed. But also making you laugh as she always did.

And you couldn’t be more grateful at the end of the day because finally, for one whole day you could finally be happy again, you didn’t felt pressured or anxious or sad or overwhelmed at all, and you were with everyone you loved. You could finally go, you were just waiting for living one happy moment in your life before you took such an important decision, and this was it. Today had been all you’ve ever wished for.

So when everyone left and your parents stayed cleaning you could only feel peacefulness overcoming your body. You went to your room and laid on your bed, Ellie was still there. She had to give you her letter and you couldn’t leave without reading it.

The big canvas was already in your room, right next to your bed. You were cuddling her as you read the letter.

“Happy birthday baby. I hope this year can be different, I hope you can get better, I hope you can be happier, and I hope I’m still here every day to see you smile more and more.

I remember starting the painting and regretting immediately because it was gonna take so long and I’m lazy as fuck. But I made it :)

I had to lie to you many times and tell you Joel needed my help with some stuff just so I could finish it, hope you didn’t get mad at it.

I’ve been noticing you off lately, but if I’m honest I’m too scared to ask. But you know you can always tell me anything, I’ll always understand and I’ll always listen, no judgment.

I’m proud of you for making it another year, and I’m the happiest person ever because I have you and I’m watching you try again and again. I know you’ll get better.

I still remember how nervous I was when I asked you to date, I can’t stop thinking about it lately, maybe it’s because of the painting? but I feel the same even after dating you for years, too cliche for you make me feel the butterflies on the stomach, a lot.

I’m glad we’ve got to grow up together, I can’t imagine this life without you. The other day you told me about this, about reincarnation and soulmates, I don’t believe on it, but if it’s real I’ll make sure I’m with you always. I promise.

I can’t wait for your birthday, I wanna see your reaction and I’m containing so much for not telling you already what it is. If you’re reading this then I didn’t regret writing you this or you found it without me noticing like you did last year, don’t do that again pls :(

Anyway, I want you to know that you’re the fucking best, the prettiest girl ever and I love you so fucking much.

Ellie :)”

She saw how you folded the letter, looking at your face for any response “I love you so fucking much too” you moved your head slightly up so you could properly kiss her. You’ve never kissed her so much in one day, you also wished you would.

She stares back at you, with those puppy eyes you love so much, and her dumb smile now a bit shiny due to the kiss.

Her hand moves to your neck, pressing your head on top of her chest. Her other hand moved to the puffy pink blanket that you had in your bed, moving it up to cover both of your bodies. Your hand moves on top of of her tattoo, caressing it softly with your thumb.

And before you realize you two fall asleep, not knowing how your life’s were about to change in less than twenty four hours.

Maybe it was the anxiety coming back but you woke up earlier than usual. You slowly removed Ellie’s arms from yours, placing them over your pillows.

You stood there for some minutes, just staring at her, at her gift next to your bed. Were you being selfish?

You slowly walked towards your desk, picking the letters and placing them on top of it so everyone could see them easily, you also placed your phone on top of them. This was it.

You hated yourself for not waiting for Ellie to leave, for making her see it and be there, but you had waited enough already.

You walked quietly and slowly to the bed, placing Ellie’s letter besides her. Then you walked to the bathroom, locking yourself in it just in case anyone woke up and went to look for you.

You regretted not taking your phone with you, maybe some music would help.

You slowly remove your clothes. You hear the water run. There’s so thoughts on your head right now.

You don’t even realize but the cuts are already there, making the blood run all over the tub and covering your body with it. Your eyes close and the only sound echoing in your ears is your own breathing.

This is nothing like what you’ve done before, this is it.

“Dear loved Ellie. El, Els

I love you so much, don’t ever forget it, don’t ever doubt it. I’m always gonna be with you and I promise, I swear that we’ll meet again. Please read this first before you do anything else. I’m probably not in bed right now, I knew you would stay, don’t panic.

Ever since you know me I’ve been sad, I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I told you how I remember mas past lives when we were younger, remember? and you just laughed at me, but I want you to believe it this time. And I want you to never forget me, I want you to meet me again, in another universe where I’m happy and we can get to live anything we didn’t lived here.

I waited just for you, I tried my best, I promised myself I would only try once, and if I failed then I would take it as a signal to say, but I can’t.

Your jokes, your laugh, your pretty face, the songs you played for me with your guitar, you made me stay and try so many times, but I gave up.

I can’t live lifte this forever, and it hurts me deeply to leave you, because you don’t deserve this and I don’t want to leave, but the pain I feel every day is bigger than what I want.

It’s not your fault, it’s no one’s fault actually.

You told me that whenever I could say things out loud I should write them, but never keep them just for myself, and so I’m doing it right now, hoping you, Dina, Jesse, my mom, my dad, my family, you all understand. I know you will.

I want you to find someone else to make happy, some one that’s worth your fucking amazing and pretty self, someone else that truly deserves your time and your jokes, and your songs on your guitar. Someone that stays with you forever.

I feel so ashamed, I just couldn’t say to anyone out loud how tired I felt, how badly I wanted to die. How my first and kiss though if the day was death, how exhausted I feel every day for no reason. I can’t tell you that the moment you leave I feel overwhelmed again, I feel weak and alone. I just can’t.

I also wanna thank you for being with me every time, for teaching me how to live, for not giving up on me and for being always with me.

I remember the first time we kissed, the first time we slept with each other, how shy you got after that and how much you wanted to tell me but couldn’t so I found out by reading your diary. How mad you got for me reading it but how much you thanked me once we did it. I remember every single one of our dates. I remember the first time you talked to me and I talked to you, the first time you slept and my house and the first time I slept at yours. I never forgot anything, I won’t ever forget.

I remember how you told me you wanted to go to college just so you could work and make us my dreamed house, with an art studio for both of us and a room to have many cats. How you told me that you didn’t want any kids but since you dated me you could only think of having a cute baby that looked just like me. How you got mad when I told you I wanted my last name to go first.

And I want you to live that with someone that’s really worth it.

I’m so sorry for making you stay with me for so long, for making you waist your best years of adolescence and childhood trying to cure me and my sadness. And I’m sorry I’m leaving you like this. But I know you’ll understand.

Words cannot express how much I adore you, how happy you made me, how much I’m in love with you.

Please forgive me.

I swear we’ll meet again, I swear I won’t leave you again, I swear I’ll stay.”

She woke up your parents, your dad unlocked the door. They couldn’t take it.

Now they didn’t understand. Why would you do this? Why didn’t you tell anyone? Did you ever asked for help and they didn’t notice?

Why?

Ellie was too broken to cry. She wanted to look at you but her eyes could only stay at your wrists. She could never forget.

Your parents were on their knees, unable to think, unable to move, just crying.

And so was Ellie. She couldn’t believe just a couple of hours ago she was cuddling with you and now you were gone. How did that even work? There could never exist something more terrifying that your parents sobs. Should she leave? Should she stay?

Should she even try anymore?

She felt so much anger, so much desperation and anxiety in her body. She was so shocked she couldn’t do anything else than stare.

You were gone, forever.

It’s been just a month since you died. She’s been unable to move from her bed, not wanting to eat, not wanting to sleep, feeling dead. She’s been reading your letter nonstop, over and over again, almost memorizing it already.

And your parents? Your family? They’re all broken, how could any of this even happen?

Your funeral was shocking for everyone. Everything had happened so fast, in less then a week, just right after your birthday.

Did you really had to do this?

Everyone felt so sick, for not knowing, for not saying a proper last goodbye to you, for not giving you a proper gift, for not taking enough pictures and videos of you, for not speaking to you enough that last day. For not noticing snd for not helping you.

And Ellie could only hope that she’ll meet you again as you always assured her. That all this pain will disappear eventually. That the love she feel for you would actually help her.

“Me and you were meant to be in love. I see the signs of a lifetime, you ‘til I die”

[dailyreverie]

In the morning light

@flufftober - Day 3 “Wait you love me?” - “I always have”

Pairing: Marc Spector x reader (+ a brief Steven mention)

Word count: 933

CW: friends with benefits to lovers and everything that comes with it - implied sexy times.

Flufftober masterlist

Every time Marc and you met, every single night that you spent together, made the friends-with-benefits situation that you agreed to much more challenging for him. It seemed like the perfect scenario back then: Marc could not do a relationship as of right now - with the whole Egyptian god that loomed over him and the issues that came with it - and you were in for just a good time, that was enough for you. Surely the feelings you had for each other, so clear and obvious and always out on the table, could hold for a little bit, or maybe die out with the passing nights.

Of course Marc thought that, and of course it backfired.

You woke up in his apartment after what was supposed to be just a casual lunch which evolved into going for drinks, which eventually became dinner, and, for the looks of it, had extended over breakfast. It kept happening time and time again, the need to be together so consuming that you couldn’t be away from each other; a shopping trip, a coffee run, going to the movies… it was all mushing together unto, basically, dating.

What kind of an idiot he was. It was the ground rule and, as he rose from the bed to see you cooking breakfast, he knew he had broken the agreement in the worst way possible. He had battled against it long enough that seeing you there, wearing his cozy sweatshirt to ward off the chilly London morning, it felt like a simple spill that broke the dam.

“I think I fucked up.” Marc sneaked up on you. 

“Good morning to you too.” You kept on your food prep, acknowledging him with a quick glance over your shoulder and a smile. “What did you fuck up?”

There really was no easy way to tell you the daunting realization that came upon him, not when he could lose you, but he couldn’t keep lying to himself, much less to you. When he didn’t speak you turned around to see him, leaving on the counter the fruits you were cutting. “Are you okay?” Marc stood in the middle of the kitchen as if someone had dropped him there without telling him why or what to say.

After a deep sigh, Marc finally spoke. “I can’t keep doing this.”

“Oh,” You whispered, almost just to yourself, crossing your arms over your chest as you waited for him to elaborate; something he apparently was not going to do. “Well… we said at first that the moment we want out then it’s done, so-”

“It’s just-” Marc seemed exasperated with himself, scrunching his face trying to find the words that wouldn’t break your heart. But when he looked at you, the words came to him with ease. “Steven’s got a crush on you.”

“Does he?” Your eyes opened with delight, a huff of laughter coming out of your lips. You knew Steven was nagging at him in his head.

“He does, and he’s been really annoying about it lately.” In Marc’s head, if he blamed Steven maybe this would be easier.

“Why is Steven not telling me, then?” You knew there was more about it than he was saying, something in his hesitant stance told you so. You approached him, holding his hands to unclasp them from his sides to try and help him relax. “You can’t tell me.” 

“We said no feelings, and I’m doing a terrible job at that.” he chuckled at himself. “I don’t know if you’ve noticed but whatever we are doing is not what friends with benefits do. We are going on dates, you’re cooking breakfast. This is the complete opposite of what we agreed on, and all this is messing me up.”

“Marc Spector, you sap dork.” You could see right through him, right through his ramblings about feelings and agreements that happened months ago. Your hands clasped behind his neck, holding onto the base of his head. You smiled up at him with the most beautiful smile he had ever seen in his life, a smile he never thought he would deserve, let alone be responsible for. 

You pulled him in, shutting his brain off for a few seconds as you sank into his hold, melting in the kiss, letting it say everything Marc was not able to. His hands stayed on the small of your back when you parted, though your noses were still touching.

The truth is, it was everything you felt too; every word he said you had said it to yourself too. Except for you it was clear. For you, the turmoil you felt came together in a simple word.

“I love you, Marc.” You said softly, gazing up to his eyes so he knew you meant it.

A hint of surprise danced across his face, prompting him to pull back slightly while maintaining his smile. "Wait… You love me?"

“I guess I always have, at least for a few months now.” You cheeks turned red and he held you tighter. He didn’t have to ask why you didn’t say anything before, he knew exactly why, since it was the reason he didn’t speak up sooner too.

“I love you too, baby.” You hummed against his lips at the sound of the nickname, as if you could feel this new love you just exchanged for each other in his kiss. As you kissed again, it felt as though the stars had finally aligned to bring you two together, sealing your bond with a love that had been there all along, just waiting to be acknowledged.

🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨🌙✨

Thanks for reading! Please reblog and comment if you enjoyed it!

[angstywaifu]

Take A Chance - Brennan Sorrengail

Part 2 to Love Doesn't Suit You Requests Open.

Masterlist

My eye lids feel heavy. Gods my entire body feels heavy. It’s like I’m wadding through water to even try to open my eyes. When I finally do, I’m met with a dimly lit room. The mage light above my head barely emitting light. And judging by the slight coolness to the room it must be night time. Then the smell hits me. The infirmary.

I was alive. Somehow I was alive. But I shouldn’t be. There was no way to get me to a healer or mender in time. I should have died in the training room. Should have bled out on the floor. And yet here I was, lying in the infirmary alive. No pain. Nothing. A sniffle draws my attention to a chair pulled up next to my bed. The occupant leaning forward with their elbows on their knees as they stare at the floor, one of their hands clasped firmly around mine. Brennan. Brennan who is crying. Brennan who I’ve never seen cry a day in my life.

”Bren?” I say, the words barely audible due to how hoarse my throat was.

Brennan's head snaps up at the sound of my voice, his eyes puffy and red from crying. His amber eyes are still filled with tears. For a few moments, all he does is stare at me, as if he can't believe I've woken up.

”What are you doing here?” I ask him, my voice shaking as those damn words echo in my head again.

”Y-you almost died. You were bleeding out in my arms.” His voice cracking slightly. “I… I thought I lost you. I should have lost you.”

I look down at his hands still clasped firmly around mine, noticing the slight tinge of red to his skin. Blood. My blood. He was the one I heard screaming my name as I fell to the ground bleeding out. The one to pull me into their arms before I blacked out. I should have died in his arms.

”How?” I ask, looking up into his pained eyes.

He drops his gaze from mine, letting out a shaky breath as he squeezes my hand. “My signet.”

But Brennan didn’t have a…. He’d manifested his signet because of me. I reach down and pull the sheet back revealing my exposed stomach. Where there should be long gaping wound, is smooth skin. No sign of the knife that had cut me open. There was only one signet that could make that possible. Brennan was a mender.

”Thank you.” I say softly as I place the sheet back down.

”I’m sorry about yesterday.” His voice so quiet I barely hear it as I look back at him.

”You weren’t wrong though. Love and me don’t go together.” I say bitterly as I remove my hands from his.

A pained look quickly flickering in Brennan’s features as I remove my hands from his. “I just….. I just thought we we’re going somewhere. That you might finally give me a chance after all these years of whatever this is.”

He wasn’t wrong. I wanted to be with him so badly. Everything about Brennan drove me crazy. I wanted his eyes on me, his hands on me, wanted to be his. But I couldn’t. I had seen first hand what came from two dragon riders being together. My parents. My very dead parents. Both gone, leaving me behind.

”I… I can’t deny it’s something I want. But we both know what being a dragon rider is like. Any day could be our last and… I don’t know if I could cope with losing someone close to me again. It’s just easier this way.”

”Easier?” My eyes snapping back to him at the anger in his tone. “It’s easier for you to just keep screwing other people than it is to just take the leap and actually be in a relationship?”

”Yes Brennan. Because if I get attached and you die……” Lies. I was already attached. A tear rolls down my face as I look down, quickly trying to wipe it away before Brennan sees. “I have my reasons. Just because it’s easier doesn’t make it easy.”

Brennan scoffs as he shakes his head, pushing up from the chair, his eyes staring down at me. “You’re a coward. You’d rather push away people that care about you so you don’t have to suffer.:

I pull back the sheets, standing up to face Brennan. Fresh tears rolling down my face.

”You don’t know what I’ve been through. Watching an entire family of dragon riders die, till I was the only one left. Till no one came home. Sorry if I’m protecting myself. But I know I can’t go through someone I care about not coming home again.”

Brennan and I just stare at each other. Brennan’s breathing slow and deep as if trying to compose himself. I’d never seen Brennan like this before. Never seen someone push him to this point before. Brennan was always the level headed calm one. But not now.

”You’re right. I don’t know what its like to live like that. But you’ll stand there, and call that protecting yourself? You know as well as I do you’re just afraid. You’re afraid you don’t deserve to be happy. That’s the real issue here.”

”Because I don’t Brennan! Anyone I’ve been close to, anyone I’ve let myself love has died. I don’t deserve to be happy.”

Brennan shakes his head, stepping towards me. Taking one of my hands in his. “That’s not true. None of it is.” He sighs. “Please, don’t do this. Don’t push me away.”

I reach up with my free hand, placing it on his chest. A war ragging inside my head if I should push him away or not. If I did push him away… There was no going back. If I did that would be it. We’d had this argument before, but never like this. Beneath my hand I can feel his heart beating heavily. Just like my own.

”And what if I don’t push you away?” I ask softly.

He places his hand on top of mine. “Don’t push me away. Give this a chance. Give us a chance. Give this a chance knowing I will do what ever I can to get back to you every night.” His voice almost pleading.

I step forward, a small smile on my lips, my heart beating heavily in my chest. Absolutely terrified of what I’m about to do. There was no going back from this. I take another step forward, barely any space between Brennan and I, having to crane my neck to look him in the eye.

”Then I won’t. I won’t push you away.”

Brennan’s shoulders sag at my words, letting out a breath I don’t think he realised he was holding in. His hands moving to cup my cheeks. “Then prove it.” He whispers, his thumb gently rubbing across my cheek.

I’d kissed Brennan many times before. But as I reach up and wrap my arms around his neck, pulling him down into a kiss….. It feels different. My heart beating fast, as if this was the first time we’d kissed. But even though this wasn’t the first time we had kissed, this was our first real kiss. Not as friends hooking up. No. We we’re more now. I wouldn’t push Brennan away anymore.

[ifitmeanslosingyouthenno]

the hardest part's the awful things that i've seen

day 8 whumptober prompt: sleep deprivation | "leave the lights on"

mary would be fucking pissed if he ever saw him like this, huddled in some corner like some useless child, all the lights in the dorm turned on so that he could trick his brain into thinking it was day and he didn’t need to sleep

he doesn’t need to sleep

sleeping meant dreaming, dreaming meant nightmares, nightmares were watching his friends and family die in the hands of the butcher of baltimore and waking up covered in sweat, screaming and crying

or if he took the pills abby recommended, sleeping meant dreaming meant nightmares meant watching his family being murdered and not being able to wake up despite the horrors

so no

he doesn’t need to sleep

“neil”

right, the problem

“go away betsy”

she sits in a desk chair, probably his, since he hasn’t seen robin or his other two roommates in– days now

not that he blames them

“you need to sleep, neil”

“what’s the saying? sleep is for the weak?”

from the corner of his eye, he sees her smiling, but it lacks any real humor. interestingly enough there wasn’t any pity there either.

“yeah, i know that makes it easier to not sleep, but sleep is meant to let your mind and body recuperate from the day’s stress, both physical and mental, and it’s been proven that waste product produced by brain cells are eliminated only when one is sleeping, so if you don’t sleep well or enough, no waste product is eliminated, and the brain can’t work the way it’s supposed to.”

he has no reply to that, nor does he care about why his body might need sleep

sleeping brings nothing but trouble

it was okay, he could go days without sleeping, mary made sure of that

after a few days he can just crash and burn and be so utterly exhausted that he won’t actually dream

so he will sleep, eventually 

just not now 

bee remains patient and so does he

he needs to stay active if he means to stay awake a few days more, he can go for a run, maybe he can sneak into the court, run a few drills–

“won’t you tell me why you don’t want to sleep? you look exhausted”

he feels exhausted

but she wouldn’t understand and he tells her so

“why don’t you try me?”

he knows it’s a bait, and he doesn’t quite fall for it

he might be tired, but he’s still aware enough not to fall for it

“can you tell me then why you’ve left the lights on?”

“it helps me stay awake”

“why do you need to stay awake, it’s–” she takes her phone from her pocket and checks the time, “– 2:13 am, there’s no reason to stay awake neil”

he still refuses to reply, he’s got nothing to say to her

“david is worried about you, you know? about the effects this can have on your health, more than outside of the court before my words can get misinterpreted”

“i know coach cares, you don’t need to clarify yourself”

“then you know it’s a reasonable concern”

“i know it’s above his paygrade”

she snorts lightly, before composing herself, “maybe now, but when it starts to affect your game it will be”

“it won’t affect my game”

“it’s bound to”

“i know myself better than you do”

“i’m sure of that, but there’s only so much the human body can handle”

“i’m more resilient than most, i have survived days without sleeping before”

“when you were on the run?”

neil shuts up then. he slipped, but it will not happen again

betsy sighs, “my apologies, i don’t mean to push your boundaries”

“really?” he makes sure his tone is sarcastic enough for her to get it

“yes, i know my job requires me to push past your boundaries, but i know when something is a hard limit and when it isn’t”

“good for you”

“why don’t you collaborate with me neil?”

“you’re a shrink”

betsy sighs, “if you won’t let me help you because of my profession, then there has to be someone who can help you or well, give you some support”

that’s a low blow

of course she knows exactly who can help him

she knows he can’t just go running for andrew everytime he breaks down

andrew deserves his own life, without worrying about his stupid fucking boyfriend with his stupid fucking issues

he pressed his forehead to his knees

“just go away betsy” 

she sighs a sad little thing, before pushing back her chair and standing up from the sound of it

“you know i’ll be here when you’re ready to talk”

“leave the lights on on your way out”

she shuts the door quietly, but the click sounds like a bullet firing from a gun and he flinches

it’s okay, he’s fine, this is all fine

if he doesn’t sleep he won’t get nightmares, he won’t see andrew dying

he doesn’t need to sleep

fun fact! originally neil was going to break down and tell betsy what was going on, and she would help him, but where’s the fun in that?

[artful-aries]

Saying “I Love You” For The First Time (Dehya, Alhaitham, Pantalone)

I promise I don’t keep dying on purpose. Work is kicking my ass. Anyway, here’s just a lil somethin I cooked up

Dehya

It takes her a while to feel comfortable enough to admit to herself that she loves you, and even longer to get around to actually telling you

She’s normally very confident and assured in herself, but when it comes to you she finds herself hesitating over everything, doubt blooming in her heart at every turn

It’s not that she doesn’t trust you; she doesn’t trust herself. What if she screws things up? What if you don’t feel as strongly for her as she does you? This all keeps Dehya’s feelings securely plugged up in her heart

Despite her best efforts to suppress everything, her feelings bleed through in her actions; her gaze lingers on you longer than it used to, her hands gravitate towards yours absentmindedly, and when she’s out on a job she actually zoned out a bit

If you were to ask her outright, she’ll get a bit flustered and act like you’re just making things up. Pushing the subject could result in either her caving and saying she loves you or immediately finding an excuse to avoid you for a while so she can clear her head

However, if you’re patient and let her come to terms with her feelings at her own pace, you’ll definitely be rewarded for it

Dehya will buy you something nice that you like; whether it’s clothes, jewelry, or simply just a cute sentimental gift that reminds you of her and will give it to you in private where she plans to come clean

She’ll first talk about how happy and comfortable you make her, and that you make her days as a mercenary so much brighter. Before she can think to chicken out of it, she’s telling you that she loves you with all her heart

She’ll get a bit flustered if you cry over her rather romantic confession, but she’s grinning from ear to ear when you say that you feel the same

From then on, telling you that she loves you is easier, but she still doesn’t say it that often. It’s not that she doesn’t think it’s worth saying, Dehya just prefers to save the words for very intimate and special moments

Perhaps her logic is a little silly, but she feels like the words carry a greater weight when she waits for the perfect moment to say “I love you”

Alhaitham

It will take him a moderate amount of time to realize he loves you. He’ll be reflecting on his relationship with you as he reads his book and connect the dots from there

His approach will be calculated and well thought out, but not exactly the most romantic confession

Not that he thinks you don’t deserve it, but he’s just simply not going to see the point in adding flair to his confession A point that absolutely chaps Kaveh’s ass when he discovers Alhaitham’s confession plans

No, he is not going to ask Kaveh for advice on how to say he loves you. He thinks he would almost rather die than to heed the advice of someone so wrapped up in their own ideals that he can’t find his head on his shoulders. Plus, this is his relationship, not Kaveh’s. If you wanted a sappy fool like him then you would be dating him instead

Needless to say, his approach is very straightforward, but that doesn’t mean it’s without class

Alhaitham will ask if you have a moment to talk in private (in a serious tone that will have you nearly shitting bricks). Once he gets you alone, he makes a point to discuss how he feels about the relationship and how you two have only grown closer together

You’ll begin to wonder where he is taking the conversation before he finally asks you for your thoughts on how the relationship is going. If you reply positively, then Alhaitham will give you a nod before immediately telling you he loves you. If you have some criticism, he will withhold his confession for another time, until he can work on the points that you criticized him for

Though he’s very aloof and rough around the edges, he doesn’t want to tell you he loves you unless he can actually measure up and earn your affections

If you act surprised at his confession, he’ll be slightly miffed about it. Why are you shocked? It’s only natural that after spending so much time around you that he would develop strong feelings for you. Is it so illogical for him to care about you?

When you confirm that you feel the same way, he’ll give a small nod and show you one of his genuine smiles, a special sight just for you to see

Alhaitham is another one to rarely say he loves you after his initial confession. He feels like you should know it as an absolute truth, especially through his actions. Though if you did tell him that you feel better with verbal reassurance, he would make an effort to try and increase the frequency in which he tells you he loves you, but it still won’t be that frequent

Pantalone

Though he isn’t exactly a romantic, he falls in love quicker than the previous two. Part of it is his drive to have it all; wealth can only go so far to plug the holes. He needs someone by his side, and you seem to be the perfect candidate

The other part genuinely enjoys your company. It’s not often that he can find someone that isn’t solely after his money, and also doesn’t judge him for not having a Vision

As a patient businessman, Pantalone will wait for the right time to confess to you. He doesn’t want to come off as too strong, but he also isn’t going to waste time and let you slip away

When he feels the timing is right, he will take you on a fantastic and lavish date, almost like he’s buttering you up before he tells you how he feels for you

He would never admit it, but a small voice in the back of his mind worries about your rejection. What if you are somehow interested in someone else?

Yet Pantalone’s absolute confidence in himself takes over. If he views the exchange as a calculated business move, then his confession will be flawless. The smooth cadence of his voice and his eyes smoldering on you further cement the three pretty words he’s speaking to you

If you were to be surprised or emotional, he’ll chuckle and pull you close to give you some comforting affection, teasingly asking you if this is how you’re rejecting him

When you do finally manage to get enough control of your words to say you love him too, Pantalone will smirk as though this was the only possible outcome of his confession yet there is a slight look of relief that will cross his face, but it happens so quickly that you wonder if you just made it up

After his confession, he won’t be one to withhold the words for special occasions. He isn’t one to overuse the words, but he tells you he loves you frequently enough that you’ll never have to guess about how he feels at any moment in time

Now that you’re closer to him than ever before, it’s one more checkbox on his list in his conquest to have everything his heart desires

[tubatwo]

Soft Taehyun thought..

You had a hard day at work and as soon as you walked into your shared apartment and you saw Taehyun you burst into tears waffling about how hard your day was inbetween sobs and hes just pulled you to him and sat you on his lap as you cry into his neck and hes just rubbing your back and stroking your hair while he whispers “everything is gonna be okay honey…” , “shhh its okay tomorrow will be better..” or like “take the day off tomorrow..” or just asking if he should go get your favourite snacks from the store and you two can cuddle watching your favourite movie

(sorry its long)

oh my god taehyun comfort prompts make me so so soft I would literally do anything to hug him!!! he cares so much about his loved ones and he’s so protective (the way he’s possessive over kai and doesn’t like seeing him cry.. brb gonna lay on the floor and just die)

can I just make this even more heart wrenching and suggest if it was his first time seeing you cry.. obviously crying in front of someone is kinda awkward and your relationship was still somewhat fresh. you weren’t sure how taehyun would react and you also didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. but the day just sucked so badly!!!! no matter how good you were at brushing things off, there were just so many things that you couldn’t ignore :( the only thing you wanted to do was go home and see your boyfriend.

and when you finally see him, you can’t help but let out everything you were holding in. the world was harsh and nasty, but taehyun was everything but that. he was a reminder that love and light still existed.

“b-baby?” he froze for a second before standing up quickly, rushing over to your shaking figure by the door. “are you okay? what happened?” the only thing on his mind at this point is 1. what happened 2. why it happened and 3. whose ass does he have to beat lmao

“i’m s-sorry,” you let out in between hiccups, “t-today was so horrible, i’m really s-sorry.”

“oh honey..” he whispers, softly guiding you to the couch where he then pulls you onto his lap. “why are you apologizing, hm?”

“don’t wanna ruin the mood.. feel stupid for crying.” you confess.

taehyun pulls your head into his neck as you cry harder, feeling frustrated from the day and now for ruining your boyfriend’s mood. little do you know that he’s grateful. he’s grateful that you came to him and you feel safe enough to give him all of you, including your emotions.

“shhh.. you’re not ruining anything, sweetheart. and you shouldn’t feel stupid. I love you, you know?” your sobs die down as you become mesmerized by your boyfriend’s voice right by your ears, his hands slowly caressing your back. “i’m right here, okay? everything’s okay now.. I got you..”

and that was all you needed. you knew that as long as you had him then you would be okay. everything would be alright. you finally lift your head up to meet his eyes. he chuckles softly at how cute you look, tears and all </333

“my sweet baby..” he coos, using his sleeve to endearingly wipe the tears off your cheeks. “take the day off tomorrow, yeah? you deserve a break.”

and before you could even protest he was already cutting you off. “and take this.” he quickly unlocks his phone and taps a few buttons before handing it to you. you tilt your head in confusion, not fully understanding what he’s asking you.

“your instacart order. add any snacks you want. the only thing you need to worry your pretty little head about tonight are snacks, movies, and cuddles.”

ASKSKDKD ok can you tell i’m getting carried away I just love him so much (´•ω•̥`) and don’t apologize for making it long!!! the more details you guys give the easier it is to imagine the scene in my head

(btw if you were having a hard day and that inspired this ask I hope your day is better!!!)

soft hours open!

[ashraintarot]

Pick a Photo Tarot Reading - What does October hold for me?

Photo 1

The main themes that will be highlighted in October for you are passion, desire, sensuality and will-power. The first thing coming up has to do with how you view and connect to cycles in life. There are things trying to die away, to let you move past them and embrace a new, better future, but it feels like you’re grasping onto these things for dear life. This could be a romantic interest, a friend, a not so good habit, a job, anything that isn’t serving you anymore. It feels very ‘lost in the sauce’. If there’s not a toxic attachment there’s just a sense of holding onto life as it is too tightly. You’re so lost in whats going on and the emotions you’re feeling that you can’t see the way out. But it’s there. You might be often seeking answers in readings like this which I realize is ironic to tell you mid reading, but you’re meant to look within to find the answers you’re seeking. Spirit is really telling you you’re guaranteed to success eventually, but you have to trust yourself and take a damn risk! If you’re sick of where you are, make a change. I know it’s easier said than done, but you have to take a step, even if it’s a small one. For many this is a reassessing your dedication to your craft. I see you getting back to the drawing board this month, putting in the hours of practice you need to improve. It’s important to remember our taste is always better than our talent in the present moment. That’s because you’re always evolving, learning and improving, so keep that in mind when you might be hating what you’ve created. It’s just proof you’re getting better, but it doesn’t mean what you made isn’t good too! Give it love, be thankful for it for what it’s taught you. There might be some times this month you need to stick up for yourself or your fellow man. If it’s safe, be sure to stand up for what’s right. Use your voice, be a champion for those less fortunate than you are.

Photo 2

Things might feel like they aren’t working out fast enough. You’ve planted a lot of seed and intentions recently and during October you might start to feel a little impatient. This is your reminder that things are falling into place behind the scenes. Let yourself breathe and relax for now. Focus on being present and enjoying yourself this month. I feel like you might be at risk of taking on more than you can handle, so really be honest with yourself when it comes to saying yes to things you don’t have the capacity or maybe even simply don’t want to do. It’s okay to say no! You’re also being reminded that you don’t have to go through this time alone. It’s okay to ask for help, to share the load. You’re not weak for not being able to handle something, humans need community, we were made for it. In that vein, there’s an emphasis on community this month as well. Whether it’s hanging out with a group, with family, or even just one person, surround yourself with those who make you feel loved, heard and understood. I see some fun times just in the living room watching movies with a friend. Don’t lock yourself away. I think some of you are going through quite a big spiritual upgrade and it’s easy to go into that hermit mode. If you need to recharge, by all means do so, but make sure you come back up for air and connect with loved ones. Your guides are also sccrreeeaming at me to tell y’all to meditate.

Photo 3

October is all about self love and compassion for the self, especially regarding how you view yourself and the things you do/create. If you’re someone that’s always talking down to yourself as a reflex, this is for you. It’s important for you to remember that you still have so much learning and growing to do left. I get the vibe of ya’ll being worried about being “cringe” or awkward and saying the wrong thing. October is all about stepping into who you are and your power. There’s a feeling of scattered-ness and frantic energy here. It would behoove you to work on getting organized, trying out new ways to keep yourself accountable for self care routines and just routines in general that help you to feel better about yourself, physically and mentally. It feels like you’ve been trying to manifest and do spiritual work and there’s a sense of something being stuck. I really think it has to do with this self image. I really recommend taking time everyday to work with affirmations to solidify a better perspective of yourself. Play around and see what works for you, maybe writing them in a journal, or listening to a meditation on self love, maybe if you write your own you can record yourself reading them and listen first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. Put time for self love and reprogramming that image into your routine we were talking about before. You’re someone who has big dreams, some of which you haven’t even fully realized yet, but this is a reminder you’re building a solid foundation. You’re still becoming who you’re meant to be to make these dreams work out. Let yourself be a student of life. Let yourself make mistakes without beating yourself up for it.

[redwolfstabs]

hi billy!! saw your post so i gotta ask bc you asked me haha - team loomis hcs?? please? 🩶

OHHH ABSOLUTELY SWEET SWEET SAM

[Note: This post will be with Ghost!Billy and a version where Billy doesn’t die because they’re both delicious to me] [SPECIFICALLY for Parker, Parker will see the vision.]

Team Loomis hcs [survivor version] - for the Sam to my Billy 🩵

Billy has a lot of trust in Sam, as crazy as that is. An example of what I mean would be, let’s say, crazy shit starts happening because someone has figured out Billy really was the murderer in ‘96, he would be honest and open with Sam about it, because he’s worried for her safety, being so close to him. And he trusts her not to tell anyone [unless it’s Tara, which he deems is fair in this circumstance], and he especially trusts her NOT to tell the police.

At First, Billy wasn’t sure how to be a dad. He wasn’t even sure how to be a normal person. But, once he’s figured out what works for them, he’s feeling comfortable and safe being her dad.

Billy is a menace and does it to mess with Sam. Soft Example:

Billy:..what do you say we go bonding? Sam: that depends on your example of bonding. Billy:…I got a new knife, so- Sam:We’re not killing random people! Billy:OH OKAY. You hate me? You want me dead? In jail? You HATE ME?! Sam:..*sighs* you are so dramatic.

He can be a little too protective over Sam, because that’s his daughter and yeah, maybe he got a late start at it, but he wants it to be good. Sam gets a partner? Billy intimidates them, on purpose. His reasoning: he thinks it’s safer before she gets attached and gets hurt, because he doesn’t want her hurt. [If said partner stays even after his intimidation? Bonus points from Billy]

YOU SAID THIS BUT I WANNA REITERATE: they are nonstop bickering. That’s one of the main ways they communicate. Sam says something indirectly about Billy? Billy joins the conversation and it turns into the two of them going back n forth. Billy looks at Sam even slightly weird? Sam calls it out, they bicker. It’s usually playful and it’s fun and games, even if it bothers others around them

Sam has to convince Billy to try and be a dad to Tara as well. Billy initially didn’t want to, nothing against Tara, but he didn’t see a reason because she “wasn’t his the same way Sam was.” But what really helps convince him? Seeing the relationship Sam and Tara have, it makes him want to parent them both.

Sam can get Billy out of his head and vice versa. Assuming there’s no Stu here, Sam learns when Billy goes into his head and gets lost in a maze, and she learns ways to get him out of that maze. If Sam is ever stuck in her own head maze, Billy notices immediately, and helps get her out.

Even though they’re a lot alike and bicker, they never have any actual arguments. If they do, they take time and get some space, and when they come back together again they try and act normal when talking to each other.

Billy would genuinely kill for Sam if she asked.

Sam is prone to seeking validation from Billy, but won’t ask for it. She’ll do something and just go “hey- I did a thing, wanna see?” And of course billy wants to see, he wants to be apart of what she does, and every time he’s prone to letting her know she’s doing good / she’s so cool etc etc

When they FIRST started trying to be Father/Daughter, they both agree to seek therapy, and it did end up working. Now if they’re still in therapy, they sit by each other and treat it as a gossip session

They both constantly try to scare each other, and it gets worse during spooky season. Billy can’t be scared easily, Sam can’t either but it’s a little easier. The one time Billy did manage to scare her, he got a knee to the stomach and decided he would not be scaring her like that again because

Billy: Ow- Sam. Sam I’m in pain. Omg Sam. Sam that hurt. Why would you do that” Sam:..you fucking scared me?? What did you expect? I’ve almost died too many times for this shit. Billy: Ohhh you’ve almost died?? What about me?? I was stabbed and almost shot!” Sam: You sound like a five year old.” Billy: You look like a five year old.” Sam: Okaaaay old man—

Along with the head maze: Billy is very observant with Sam. Constantly watching her and making sure she's alright which helps him when too comes to noticing when she's sick / feeling down. He notices way before Tara, and if Sam finds this concerning that's just for her to know.

If Sam ever gets a pet, Billy is cautious around the pet. Especially any kind of dog. Sam will notice, and will slowly [and in a not too obvious way] get them to like each other.

They are both horrible when it comes to saying how they feel. Especially expressing any kind of words about love. So, Billy will randomly leave notes in areas he knows only Sam will find and see and they say various things like "I'm proud of you", "You're a good kid" etc- and Sam loves and appreciates them alot. In return, she buys him small little gifts like keychains or any nicknacks like that because she knows he'll love them.

Ghost!Billy version of Team Loomis hcs! 🩵

Every time Sam is in danger, Billy is there and watching. [yes, this is slightly canon but I wanna elaborate more.] it’s easier to see him in reflective surfaces, and if Sam gets the chance, he’ll be there guiding her. BUT, if that’s not the case: he talks to her. [example of this from something I’m writing rn for fun ⬇️]

“Saaam..” his voice comes out in a cold singsong way, and Sam shivers on instinct. ‘Kinda busy.. trying not to die here..’ She thinks, a ragged breath leaving her as she looks around, trying to map out her area. “You’re not gonna die..” everytime she hears him but can’t see him, it makes her nervous. Anxious. She always pictured him as something that wasn’t real. Something that her mind created. This? This is starting to disprove that, and it makes her nervous. “You are slacking though- Move. They’re coming down the stairs. You have.. what? A minute? Losing time the more you lay there.. cmooon Sam.”

Billy is prone to messing with Sam, even in this state. He’d constantly knock stuff off her desks, shelves- any flat surface with her stuff really. Imagine an invisible cat, that’s exactly what it is.

Anytime Billy isn’t around, Sam gets wildly concerned. In some ways, she’d be happy. Not having to hear or see him, dealing with his teasing and menace behaviours. But if he isn’t around for more than 32hrs she gets concerned, especially if she’s gotten used to him being around.

Sam constantly asks him his thoughts on things. And it could be about anything. If Sam meets someone new, she’d find ways to ask for Billy’s honest opinion.

This kinda goes with the one previously, but Billy also tells her when she’s near a dangerous person if Sam hasn’t realized it. Being around Ethan? Even if he’s friendly? Billy is there beside her, talking to her, telling her she needs to grab Tara and run. Billy has no proof to show Ethan is an issue, but Sam does feel obligated to listen, knowing Billy is probably correct.

Billy knows that Tara is mostly unaware of his existence, but that doesn’t stop him from trying to get Sam to talk about it. He approves of tara knowing he’s Sam’s dad, but he wants Tara to know more. To know that Billy is There. Sam doesn’t tell Tara for months about it, from being nervous in how Tara would react.

Sam HATES when Billy jump scares her through mirrors, says it’s irritating and annoying and makes him seem childish. Billy keeps doing it, because he is dramatic and playful.

This was very very fun to think of and write and just RAAAGHHHH thank you. I needed these out my HEAD

Let me know if you want more / your thoughts of these <33

[neon--nightmare]

SO EACH FRESH PARASITE CANONICALLY HAS LIKE,, ONE ‘POWER.’ fresh doesnt have one bc he can use the abilities/magic of the host body, which his other parasites can’t!! the powers also get stronger the more they age, but not only is it rare for fresh parasites to even live long enough to take a host (fresh usually produces them involuntarily, spits them out into a bucket, and crushes them all into powder bc theyre competition and put him directly at risk) they tend to either get tracked down by him later or well. die due to other circumstances bc they were just born and tend not to be the best at subtlety/controlling and using their power with zero experience <- I NEED TO MAKE A FRESH PARASITE OC LORE GUIDE SOMETIME

toffee’s (my fresh parasite oc) power was literal emotional manipulation (e.g. if they touched you they could make you feel what they wanted, not by overwriting your current emotions BUT more just. adding them on top.) but they also had all the subtlety of a steamroller because they were barely a few months old AND could only do the most basic emotions (happiness, sadness, fear, anger)

oh toffee my toffee.. iirc if they lived long enough for personal growth theyd end up with DEBILITATINGLY low self esteem. if someone you cared about was sad and you had the ability to smother their misery out with happiness, calm them down and make it easier, wouldnt it be at least a little tempting to take it?

especially if all your life, that was your gift, your solution to every problem related to others you had, and your ticket to survival in a world that wants you dead merely for existing. you never knew anything else, how to comfort, help, how to be genuine. how to care, when being cared about, any living thing knowing the abomination that you are - it’s terrifying, it’s risky. you’re not very strong, you’re small, and you’ve never known one day of peace in your own short life. never the kind word of a parent, of a friend, of a partner. since the day of your birth, wriggling away like a leech as all your ‘siblings’ were crushed to dust behind you, the only one you’ve ever had is yourself.

and how would the other beings even react if they found out that the whole time they’d known you, any of your emotions weren’t theirs? the joy with you, sadness, fear was magically induced, and you never told them. they can’t trust any of their memories with you. it’s a defense mechanism, but you still did it. you still made the choice, over and over and over again. how could that ever be forgiven? tampering with minds leaves marks, after all.

and if just by being around you the people you cared about felt supernaturally happy, how could you trust that they actually liked you for YOU and not just what you could do for them? they don’t even know you’re a parasite, that the host body you’re forced to take for survival is in constant pain, agony, where the only alrernative is rolling over and letting yourself die. how could you trust if anything they say, the love they profess is true! everyone adores you, but they don’t adore you. they’ll never like you, so does it even matter?

isn’t it easier to shut down, not get attached, not let yourself care? it hurts less that way. treat them all like toys, keep yourself on top. no, better not to think about it at all. you’re just doing what you can to keep yourself alive, to see the sun crest the horizon again tomorrow. distract yourself, take advantage, manipulate, run, run, little thing, and never stop to think. or the awareness of what you are and what you’ve done will destroy you, and there’ll be nothing left.

(slushie’s under the cut so this doesn’t get TOO long!!)

while slushie’s (second fresh parasite oc’s) power was fast regeneration (if their host body was hurt it healed much faster than normal, usually without scars or visible cracks/fractures!) they were very clumsy and developed a very, very high pain tolerance. since unless they were wounded enough to actually lose a limb or something, which they hadn’t yet, there were no consequences besides an unpleasant yet deeply familiar sensation that faded in like, an hour maximum. in their mind that’s how it is for everyone, just a fact of life.

whatever accidents you get in, whatever happens to your host body, it doesn’t matter! you’ll be fine, without a scratch. the idea of a life where you don’t bleed magic every day and wake back up in the morning is nearly impossible to fathom. you nearly die, let yourself be torn apart willingly by those you latch onto with a smile, and get back up, again, and again, and again. you can’t trust anyone who doesn’t hurt you, it’s too unfamiliar, it doesn’t make sense, that’s what you live for. why do others look so horrified when you mention it?

that’s just the way things are, were, and always will be.

[cheynovak]

Crush part 4  

Dean Winchester x Reader (Y/N) & Sam Winchester (Platonic)  

Warnings: Fluff, sexual tension, implied smut, alcohol, trauma, aggression,  

Side note: English isn’t my first language, please don’t mind little mistakes.  

Words: 4800 

*Does not follow the SPN storyline! *  

--------------------------------- 

Recap part 3: Y/N is a high school crush/friend of Sam, when they were 16 y/o they attended the same school for a while. But she always liked Dean. Years later despite the trauma and difficult life, they chose to be with each other. Dean tries hard not to take Y/N on hunts but sometimes they have no choice. 

Now years later, Dean has the mark of Cain and Y/N is determent to help Sam and Dean. They been through a lot, how will they cope with this challenge? 

--------------------------------- 

“You idiot!” Y/N screamed through the halls of the bunker. “You, you, ... do you ever think, Dean! Just for one second?” - “I take Dean told Y/N about the mark?” Castiel asked Sam who sat in the kitchen while he heard the couple fight. “Yeah, just now.”  

“It’s the only way to kill Abaddon! And you know it!” Dean matched her tone. “I don’t care about Abaddon, not if it hurt you!” - “It won’t!” - “Oh yes of course like nothing ever does right? I can’t believe you!”  

“Y/N don’t be like that! Everything is fine.” - “You call black outs after killing people fine? Sneaking out to hunt alone so you can kill fine? Who are you? Because I sure as hell don’t recognise you anymore!” She turned her back and walked to the kitchen, clearly surprised to see the angel and Sam. Both looking awkward for witnessing their fight.  

“I’m going to kill Crowley.” - “Sweetheart...” He followed her close. “Don’t!” She turned back at him pointing a finger in his face. “How many times do I need to get worried about you? How many times do I need to see you die. Hell, see all of you die?” She waved her arms around. “Why on earth did you trust Crowley. He knew about Cain, he isn’t stupid!”  

“Y/N” Sam started in a soft voice. “This isn’t ideal, but we’ll get through it. I don’t like it, just like you but what choice do we have?” - “How about let someone else deal with this for once?” - “Who do you trust with this?” Dean added. “I don’t care Dean, one of these days you’ll die, for real.” - “Then I’ll go down swinging.” He said like it was nothing. “Oh, good for you, but I’ll be the one to burry you!”  

Y/N stormed out of the kitchen, grabbed her keys and went for a drive in the middle of the night. Deep inside she knew Dean was right, but why did it had to be him, she was so afraid to lose him. After all they had been through so much, the fear became more and more real.  

Dean sat down at the kitchen table. “You weren’t able to keep it from her any longer.” Cas said. “I know, I know she is just worried. But she knows this is our life.” - “It used to be much easier, ghost, vampires, but this, this really scares her.” Sam said looking at his brother’s arm. “Plus, she noticed you being... different.”  

“I know. I pushed her away. I’m sure she noticed a difference in my behaviour. It’s not like it's been easy lately.” Dean spoke like he meant hunting, but he knew they had some trouble in their relationship too. It’s not that he didn’t want to work on it, it’s just that the world was now a priority, he knew she would understand.  

Y/N arrived back home late that night, she saw Dean already sleeping in bed. She took a deep breath before crawling next to him. Nose to nose she looked at him. “Baby?” He mumbled. “Hm?” -”Please don’t be mad.” He opened one eye slightly “I’m not. I’m concerned.” She gave him a small peck between his brows, before turning around to face the other side of the room.  

Dean felt her being distant lately. No more cuddling in bed, no more morning make out sessions, if he was honest almost no intimacy at all. He knew it was his fault, since he had the mark these few weeks, he didn’t feel like it anymore. Which for him was weird. No matter how tired, she could always seduce him, but not anymore.  

He knew it made her insecure, but he was too ashamed to talk about it. He thought it would be easier to handle it once the world wasn’t burning anymore. She didn’t push him in to talking about it. But he noticed her being more edgy, easier annoyed, less happy.  

The next morning, he woke up noticing she was already up. When he opened the bedroom door, he heard music coming from the kitchen. When he walked in, he saw Y/N swaying to the music... laughing while she made breakfast with his brother. And again, when they were in a bad place, Sam could make her smile. How does he do that Dean wondered.  

“Good...morning.” Dean said with a little hesitation. “Goodmorning baby” She smiled softly but stopped dancing while turning the music down. Y/N place a plate with pancakes in front of Dean. “Eat up, before it gets cold.” She said before kissing his shoulder and walking out of the kitchen. His eyes followed her before turning back to Sam, who smiled softly.  

“Did she, talked to you lately?” He asked his younger brother. “Well, we talk all the time, a little more specific?” - “About... us?” Sam’s raised one brow. He saw how serious he was in his eyes. “Look it’s not my place to say, but she is afraid, afraid to lose you, again. But also, afraid to lose you.” 

Dean looked confused. “She thinks that you are bored of her or something. That you two are still together out of habit or mutual respect. Basically, that you don’t love her anymore.”  - “What? That’s ridiculous.” - “I told her that. But she isn’t so sure about your feelings for her anymore.”  

After breakfast Dean was determined to talk to Y/N, but unfortunately Crowley came back with information on Abaddon and the boys had to move out really quick. Y/N took a deep breath, “Remember me to kill him after you come back.” She said to Dean while looking at the demon. “I heard that.” - “Good.”  

Dean smiled. “So that means you still want me when I get back?” She kissed his lips. “I’ll always want you Dean Winchester, no matter how complicated things are.” One side of his lips curled slightly. “Just get back in one piece.” His hand moved to the back of her neck. “I promise.” he whispered before kissing her back.  

----  

The indeed got back, but the need to kill became more and more difficult for Dean to handle. He tried so hard to restrain it, knowing Y/N would be worried, but the tension between them didn’t get better.  

Next thing they know, they had to face Metatron again. In search of the tabled. But Dean felt he had a shot on killing the messenger of God. When Y/N came back from groceries shopping the bunker was empty. They headed out without telling her what was going on, part from one little text she got from Sam. Found Metatron, going after him. Don’t worry, I got him. Sam meant he was watching his brother. One thing she learned about the Winchesters, they have each other's back, but will also die for each other as long as the other gets to live.  

Sam saw Dean get stabbed by the angel blade, rushing to his brother in despair, while Metatron smiled. Sam tried to fight the angel, but he vanished. He held his brother in tears in his arms, not knowing what to do. He knew he needed to bring him home. And face Y/N.  

-- 

Y/N heard the door of the bunker open. She walked to the stairs smiling, only to see Sam carrying the lifeless body of Dean. Her smile vanished, her hand covered her mouth, eyes starting to tear. She came running towards Sam. “No, no, no, NO. Dean... baby?” - “I’m sorry.” Was all Sam repeatedly cried when she held his face in her hands.  

Sam placed his brother on their bed. Y/N sat beside him, cleaned the blood of his face and hands. “Come on baby, wake up.” She whispered under her breath, she had no idea how long she sat beside him before she got up and walked back to Sam. Could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours.  

Without saying a word, she took the bottle in front of him and poured herself a glass. “Y/N, I...” - “I don’t want to hear it Sam, you find a way to bring him back. I don’t care what we need to do. Who I need to sell my soul to, YOU bring him BACK.” Tears rolled down her cheeks when she walked away with the glass in her hand.  

Sam was trying to summon Crowley little did they know he was already visiting, knowing what would happen to Dean next.  

-- 

Sammy, let me go.  

--  

“That’s all?” Y/N teared up looking at the note Dean left. He didn’t even think of her? After all these years. Sam noticed her struggle. “I’m not giving up Y/N, if Dean is a demon, I will find a way to bring him back.” She nodded before she felt his arms pulling her into a hug.  

“I’m sure he thought of you too. Probably to fixated on leaving.” - “Or I don’t care enough.” He felt her tears on his shirt. “No, he needs you as much as you need him.”  

 “You’re not going alone Sam, I’m not letting you out of my sight.” Y/N stood arms crossed on the stairs. Weeks have been passed and Sam left her with the research while going solo on trips. Only this time he came back with a dislocated shoulder.  

She saw the hesitation in his eyes. “I know I’m no hunter, not like you guys, but I’ve been living this life just like you over the past few years.” She sighs “This is my fight too.”  

“Ok, let’s find them.” He said while turning her on the stairs. Every alert possible was installed on their phones. They searched for every crossroad demon, trying to find intel. Sam became more and more reckless, Y/N could see the disperse growing inside him.  

One night she and Sam sat down at a local diner “Dean is clearly keeping a low profile. So, do me a favour, try to enjoy the food.” Y/N looked at her phone. “Sam... Wait a minute. This may be a long shot but that bar...” She pointed at the map on her phone. “Dean used to tell me about it. Something with great beers and music?”  

Little did they know Dean tried to life the best life ever. Crowley tried to use him for his own personal amusements, of course. “You know Dean, those two are closing up on us. We might want to leave soon.”  

“You know Crowley, for a demon you do really care a lot.” He waved at the bartender asking for another shot and a cocktail with an umbrella for the ‘lady’ next to him. While he smiled at Crowley.  

“Listening to you singing the same 3 songs on karaoke has been a blast, watching you sticking your tongue down the throat of hottest chicks, I don’t care. You do you. But I really don’t want to get murdered by your brother and ex-girlfriend.”  

Y/N and Sam’s car broke down just a few miles away from the bar. A nice man stopped his car and asked if they could use some help, pretends to inspect the engine, He reveals that the reason the car stopped is because of a "killswitch" that he himself is able to operate via remote.  

Before Sam can pull out his gun from behind his back, He knocks him out cold. Y/N tried to get the gun out of the glovebox but the gun against her head made her lift her hands. “My issue isn’t with you sweetheart. Turn around and keep walking away from the car.”  

Sam wakes up to find himself strapped to a chair, Cole, the man, explains that he is using Sam as a bargaining chip to lure Dean and kill him. Sam warns Cole that Dean is now a monster, but Cole naively rebuffs saying that he knows he is a monster and that now Dean is the prey.  

Cole calls Dean and demands a trade, but Dean is apathetic towards his brother's capture, as he warned Sam not to come looking for him. “Listen Sammy, I told you to let me go. You are just too stubborn.” - “Well, Sam, it looks like a should have taken your girlfriend with us. Since your brother isn’t going to be of much help.”  

Dean’s voice changed a on the phone. “You brought Y/N?!” Sam knew he was pissed. You left her, what was I supposed to do? He thought. “Oh-oh, trouble in paradise.” Cole added. “Listen, Cole, was it? Do whatever you want. But if our paths cross, you’re dead.” Dean said with a calm voice before he hung up the phone.  

Y/N walked to the nearest motel, which took her almost an entire night. Luckly, she had some money in her phones case hidden. The clerk gave her a set of keys. Y/N was glad she could take at least a shower and a few hours of sleep before creating a plan of finding Sam.  

But when she lied down in bed and closed her eyes, she could hear her neighbours, or at least the girl. Realising they weren’t planning on getting sleep anytime soon. “Great, cheap motel walls.” She said under her breath. She walked back to the bathroom finding something to stuff her ears with.  

By morning she woke up by the sound of what she thought would be Crowley. “Seriously on my bed?” Y/N almost flew out of bed and opened the door only to bump into the blonde girl who she heard last night. “I’m sorry.” Y/N said but got nothing but a dirty look.  

Then she saw Crowley's head pop out of the room next door. “Oh no.” Y/N held her foot between the door he just wanted to close. “CROWLEY!” She burst through, seeing Dean in the bed. The world underneath her feet crumbled. “D-Dean?”  

“What are you doing here Y/N?” Was all his stone-cold voice said. “I-I came with Sam to find you, but he...” - “Yeah kidnapped, Cole, wants me.” - “And you let him have your brother?” - “Well, I was a little busy.” He said while going with his hands over his bed hair. “Yeah, I heard.” - “Kinky, if I knew you where next door would’ve asked you to join.” He grinned.  

She looked over at Crowley, who to her surprise looked apologetic maybe even with a little sympathy for her. “Where you going?” Dean asked when she finally felt her feet again and turned. “I need to find Sam.” - “So, you went to all this trouble to find me, now that you have, you walk away?” Dean got up.  

“Well, you’re clearly not trying to save your brother, and...” She thought hard about her next words. You cheated, you left me, you hurt me, you’re not you anymore, I can’t look at you. “I guess we all have moved on since you left us, I care for him more than ever. I need him to be safe.”  

She looked back at Crowley. “I know, you’ll kill me when you see me again.” She nodded before closing the door. “Well, that was awkward.” Crowley turned to Dean. Seeing a little fraction of human emotion in Deans eyes. She hurts him in a place he didn’t knew he still felt. 

Y/N decided to walk back to the car, but halfway there a car stopped in front of her. “Y/N?” - “Oh god, SAM!” She ran straight to him, her arms wrapped around his waist. “I’m glad I found you, I was so worried.” - “You were worried? Sam, you were kidnapped.” - “And my best friend was out there alone.”  

Thanks to the intel from Y/N her previous encounter with Dean, Sam found his brother quickly. The ride home however wasn’t very pleasant. “So, Sammy. I heard you and Y/N spent quite some time together lately. Tell me, did the high school butterflies came back? Have you been wooing her? Maybe even shared a little kiss?” - “SHUT UP DEAN!” They shouted at the same time. 

When they locked Dean in the dungeon, he looked at her standing at the door, while Sam checked the traps and the spell work around him. Y/N broke the eye contact she had with Dean when Sam walked towards her. She placed a hand on his shoulder. “He won’t go anywhere.” He said holding his hand over hers.  

Dean rolled his eyes. 

The next day Sam started to inject Dean with the purified blood. Y/N could hear him scream, she had promised Sam not to go down there. “Does it hurt him?” She asked with a tremble in her voice. Sam sighs, “I’m not sure if it’s real or he just fakes it to stop me.”  

“Maybe I should face him? See if it works.” - “No, I don’t want you to see him like this. The things he says... It’s horrible.” She nodded but decided to take a peek the next time anyway. “You know Sammy, I would never think you would go for my leftovers.” Sam did his best to ignore his brother.  

“I mean, I had always known she is your type. Hell, you would whine about her day and night, how she was the one for you. I should have known you would take her when you saw an opening.” - “Dean, you left, you fucked around, literally. But you expect me to wait for you to come home?” Y/N walked towards the circle.  

Seeing Y/N made it hard on Dean to act like he still didn’t feel the blood working. “You haven’t touched me in ages, but I have to act like a nun while you play the pornstar is that it?” He didn’t answer. God she wanted to slap that smug face of his.  

“Y/N? Why are you here?” Sam asked in his caring voice. “I wanted to say I need some fresh air.” She placed her hand on his shoulder before she stood on her toes to kiss his cheek, I’ll be right back. Sam understood the assignment, this was the perfect way of seeing if Dean still cared.  

She walked back but right before she turned through the door Sam called her. He grabbed her hand, but she backs up against the wall just outside the door, in the hall. “Trust me” She mouthed. “I’m going to be fine Sam.” said quietly, while looking at his lips. “I know, I just...” Sam matched her voice before closed the space between their lips.  

Dean sat in the chair not seeing them, but he could clearly hear them. When Sam didn’t complete his answer, it hit him. “Really guys!” No answer, “Find yourself a room!” Dean heard nothing but a deep breath coming from his brother.  

“Be safe ok?” He said before kissing the top of her head.  

By the time Y/N got back, Sam was eating pizza, “bought your favourite.” He said while looking at her, he placed his finger of his mouth, telling her he could still hear them. She took a seat on the table next to Sam’s plate. “You think he can hear us?” Sam nodded.  

Y/N took out her phone “Did it work?” the texted him, “I don’t know.” Sam answered honestly.  He hung back in his chair. “I’m not sure about any of these treatments.” - “We’ll figure this out, together.” She pinched his shoulder before grabbing a plate from the kitchen.  

That night Y/N had a really vivid dream, for some reasons their experiments on Dean turned against them. His body shuts down, both she and Sam ran towards him but when they undid the trap and untied him from the chair, but then he hit Sam knock out on the floor before he choked the life out of her.  

By the time she woke up screaming Sam ran through the door. “Hey, hey you’re ok.” He hushed her, holding her in his arms. “I’m here, it was just a dream. Shh, I got you.” Y/N couldn’t hold back, in full panic she bursts into tears. “Oh, Sam it was awful!” - “It was just a dream Y/N.”  

Sam comforts her for a few hours before she heard his breath getting heavy. She looked up, seeing her best friend had fallen asleep while holding her. She tried to get out of his grip, but when she moved, he woke up. “What’s going on?” He asked sleepy. “Lay down, it’s more comfortably.” she whispered.  

Since he was still half asleep, she could push him against her pillow. Throwing an extra blanked over him. Way to short but it was the idea that counted. She placed her head back against Dean’s pillow. She could still smell his aftershave on it. Not long after they both fell asleep.  

Y/N woke up by the movement of her bed. She noticed how Sam got up, “Hey.” she said, her voice still sounding sleepy. “Morning. I’m going to check on Dean. Try to sleep some more.” His lips curled into a smile. 

She didn’t sleep anymore, she just thought how lucky she was she had Sam in this situation. No idea how he could keep his cool every time he had to go take care of Dean. Lucky how he didn’t make this into an awkward situation, just a friend helping another friend.  

“Y/N!” She heard Sam yell. “Yeah?” she got up and ran towards Sam, who met her halfway. “He is gone.” - “What? How?” - “I don’t know but he got out.” They both ran towards the control room where Dean stood waiting for them. Sam pushed Y/N behind him when he saw his brother. “You know seeing you two all cosy and cuddly in my bed made me realise something.”  

Dean’s eyes turned black. “I should have left you to rot with those vampires when I had the chance.” - “Y/N run, RUN.” Sam pushed her away. “Oh Sammy, do you really think you two are going to have a happy ending?” - “It’s nothing like that.” He tried to distract his brother so she could find a place to hide.  

“What? This isn’t like the last time? What was it you said again, Oh yeah: I don’t think about her like that.” Dean walked slowly closer to Sam, “I don’t care that you fucked her, each have our needs Sammy, no hard feelings.” Sam frowned at his brother. “Did she do that thing with her tongue? Feels good doesn't it.” He grinned, standing toe to toe with him now. “What?”  

Before Sam could say anything more, Dean had pushed him aside. When Sam got up, he immediately locket the bunker. Turning the lighting red. Dean broke a few doors trying to find Y/N again. Little did he know Y/N had been praying to Castiel. Who thankfully appeared and helped both her and Sam.  

--  

A little while later they managed to bring Dean back.  

He stood in the bathroom, hanging on the sink while looking at his reflection. He said he needed a shower to ‘clean up’ but really, he didn’t want to be around Y/N. He felt ashamed of what he did. The bathroom door opened, he saw her walking towards him, Dean quickly looked back in front of him.  

Y/N walked behind him. “How are you feeling?” She asked. “Good.” Was all he said.  She couldn’t hold back, she wrapped her arms around his torso. Placing her cheek between his shoulders, taking a deep breath, his warm and reliable smell filled her nose. “I missed you.” She admitted before giving him the space she knows he needed.  

“Y/N?” she turned back to him, “Where do you want me to sleep?” Y/N frowned her brows, “In our bed?” - “Are you sure.” - “Dean, I know we need to talk about... everything.” she took a deep breath, “I just hoped we could work this out.” - “Wait you... you still want me?” She smiled soft. “Just get to bed, we’ll talk then.” 

Dean felt nervous, not knowing how this conversation will go. He walked in the room noticing Y/N wasn’t there yet. “Hey, got us a beer.” She handed it to him while she got on bed sitting with her legs crossed. “Why are you so nice?” He blurred out. “I’m done fighting Dean.” He felt his chest getting heavy.  

After a silence Y/N spoke, “I think the most important question is. Do you still want this, us?” She looked at the beer bottle in her hand. “Me?” Dean now took a seat on the bed facing her. “I want nothing more. But I messed up, so if you don’t want to... I’d understand.”  

“I told you before I will always want you, but things need to be different from now on.” He listened to her. “I want you to talk to me before you make choices that affects us all. You talk to Sam or Cas about hunting but forget about me. I’m as much part of your life as them Dean.” He saw the tears shine in her eyes again.  

“All I wanted was to keep you safe, sweetheart.” She nodded rapidly, “I know, I really do, but you can’t. A few hours ago, you chased me through these halls, trying to kill me.” Hearing those words coming out of her mouth made Dean emotional.  

“And I don’t even care about what you did when you were a demon. You were not you, I know that, but you need to give me time to get over, seeing you, hearing her, realising that you...” A tear fell down his cheek. “I’m so, so sorry baby. I wish I could take it back. Undo a lot.”  

After a heart to heart, they agreed on telling each other everything. Talk more and give time to heal. She got up and softly kissed Dean’s lips. “My turn to shower.” She smiled wiping away the last few tears.  

Dean made himself comfortable in the bed waiting for her to come back. He heard Sam talking to her outside their room. “Are you guys ok? - “We will be, thanks Sam.” Y/N got inside noticed Dean waiting for her.  

She crawled in bed on her side, only to move closer to Dean, he lifted his arm around her while her cheek snuggled against his chest. Dean kissed her hair, scared of the question he was about to ask. “Sweetheart, I got to ask. You and Sam?”  

“You believed that?” - “I heard you kiss. Saw you in this bed.” - “I wanted to see if you were affected by that, see if we could bring a part of your humanity to the horizon. And he fell asleep in this bed when I had a nightmare.” Y/N lifted herself up a little. “Sam and I, we’re still just friends, part from one staged kiss, nothing happened.”  

She cupped his cheek, “Why do you keep worrying?” - “I left you, you saw me with another girl, but even before that we didn’t make love anymore.” Y/N sighs, I know. Her hand moved over his arm, “Was it just the mark?” - “I felt scared to be close to you. Scared I would black out and hurt you.”  

Y/N moved again, holding his face now in both hands, while her legs straddled him. “Baby, look at me. Mark or no mark, demon or not, you will never, ever physically hurt me. You could have, but you let Sam stall you.” She let her forehead touch his. “I trust you Dean.”  

His hands moved to her back, holding her while her lips found his. Unconsciously she grinded against his hips. In despair, needing to feel him. His lips travelled down to her neck. “Besides, who says I don’t like it a little rougher.” She breathed out, earning a soft moan coming from Dean’s lips.  

Turning her over to her back. Hovering over her.  

“Damn sweetheart. I missed you.”  

-----

If you liked this story check out my masterlist.

[amber-laughs]

I’d love to know ur opinion on Jon’s ships (Jon&Ygritte, Jon&Satin, Jon&Sansa, Jon&Daenerys, Jon&val and so on). I personally like Jonerys but I also find a lot of Jon ships a bit ridiculous lmao

i like Jon and Dany in a very abstract way but it’s hard for me to really get behind them because they haven’t interacted yet if that makes sense. they’re obviously gonna have the largest part to play together in coming books where i think they’ll end up being one of my favorite ships of the series tho

Jon/Satin 10/10 i personally prefer to think of it as Jon being so fucking lonely in his command that he can’t help but take advantage of satin’s position. like when Jon said in adwd he craves company not food hmm i’m lonely and horny and here’s this handsome guy devoted enough to change religions for me and (in amber-laugh’s eyes) is attracted to me so yeah let’s give this a go and then feelings of affection develop from there but it starts out as just a means to an end

Jon/Val my personal favorite of canon possible endings i agree with people who say this is more idealized in Jon’s eyes than it should be but i think that’s part of the fun. she represents something to him that he’ll not only never have but may not even want when it comes down to it. i think that fantasy is part of the fun. if she survives and he does end up going beyond the wall in the end than they’re ending up together in my eyes. she brings out a boyish side of him we haven’t seen in a long time and it comes from a different place than what Ygritte brought out in him that seems to sit easier on his soul. also i could’ve sworn the first time i looked them up on tumblr someone was calling them JonValJon as a Les Mis reference but ive never seen it since so can we start that?

Jon/Ygritte loved it for the storyline it brought and the character development we got to see through it. i’m glad she died so they couldn’t end up together because like i said even tho he loved her she obviously never sat right with his spirit and on a personal level her “fuck me or die” stance never sat right with my spirit either. and she kicked ghost out “find somewhere else for ghost to sleep tonight” NOT ON MY WATCH! ghost’s evil stepmother ik he smiled when she got shot. on a serious note tho he seems to love her far more after she died than he ever did when she was alive and i wonder if that’s something we’ll get in to if he falls in love again in the series

i like Jon/Sansa in a non canon fictional sense. some of the AUs are cute and fun. i don’t see any plot where they actually end up together but i do think there’s a lot of familial angst and self esteem issues that could be worked in to their fanon that’s a lot of fun and their fans have some really talented authors that do it well

and you didn’t ask for this but Jon/Alys Karstark is one of my favorites and i really hope we see her again when he travels back to winterfell. Alys resents the Starks for getting her family killed while Jon resents the Karstarks for leaving Robb to die surrounded by enemies but they’ve found childhood comfort together at the edge of the world. she trusts him in a way she clearly couldn’t trust anyone else in westeros and i think she’ll easily follow him when it’s time for him to lead. and them flirting at her wedding to another man? i mean COME ON!

[angellurgy2]

hi this is a story i dont think i ever posted here where i was fucking around with writing a relatable dissociated victim. its currently unnamed and its about someone having their place in their own head fucked with really bad by some kind of hypnotist esque person.

A void swirls around me. my eyes are blanketed in a deep, ephemeral grayscale sky. stars of red and green and blue scatter around me, mixing together, granting a small beauty through the null. its like space, if it was imagined by a kid with aphantasia who’s never looked into the sky before. i used to love space when i was younger. this wondrous, beautiful extremity of the world, with so much potential. so much to learn, to explore. its awe-inspiring. there is nothing like that to take from this soulful space,  though, for it is not a space in the sense of celestia, but a blank space. an empty fragment, visualized. is this supposed to be my ‘happy place’? i always wanted one of those.

i hear a piercing scream, echoing from the outside i cannot see. i recognize the voice, but i don’t know it. a shaking, grabbing at my form. who are you?  it shouts at me. no one. im sorry. why am i sorry? is that an emotion, if so it might be the first semblance of one ive felt. i think it was more instinctual. sorry, im rambling. rambling to myself? stop apologizing, body. i have a body, huh. i begin to feel, it takes me a while to figure out what, while the shaking continues. oh, those are my legs, i guess? i remember having those. not the tactile sensation, but the existence. i dont think i use them much, they’re worn with cuts and bruises and the whole body aches as it steps onto its feet. i can feel my eyelashes flutter as i peer into the behind of my lids. they well with tears. why am i feeling, stop it. stop it. i don’t want this. i can move my arms again. i don’t like this, put me back. please. please stop touching me. 

WHO THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU ARE.

not my voice. why does it sound like that. why do i sound like that. that’s not me. please stop? grabbing at me more, feverish touch, groping fingers, rotten. outside of existence.

the police are here. 

nononononono not again. who- why. why. maybe i can run. fuck. the screaming’s inside now. i left it, please dont bring me back. my feet move of their own volition, dragging my desecrated corpse through the halls, out of the depths it hibernates. creaky steps up the wooden stairs, a door unlatching, her faint instructive whispering in my ear, the sound of heavy boots on the porch, i see nothing but noises. 

words slip from my chapped lips, a routine carved into my instincts. “hello officer” i choke out.  “hi sir.” i twitch. take his gun take his gun take his gun take his gun. sigh. its the shame shpeal as always. blah blah we’ve gotten some reports worried for your safety blah blah blah. traitors. they always do this when i disappear. let me die. the lies slip from my tongue so easily. im fine. they’re worried for nothing. i totally ate today yes. the blood stains aren’t fresh. the scars are old. no i dont know who that woman i- wait what woman? some thoughts finally rush to my head, i dont remember having a porch. wasn’t i in a studio? it would’ve been easier to die there what’s going on- a hand reaches into my hair. makes it feel better. yes of course i know “her”. yes i’m happy, can’t you see my smile? :)

I dont know if any of the pigs believe it but they leave without a second thought. fucking cops. pathetic. the lady yells out something nice at them. makes me squirm for a second. something angry bubbles up in the body’s head. i close the eyes and shut it down quick. no use for emotions in a carcass. 

a hand tugs into the hem of my neck. my shirt. forgot i had one of those. forgot those were a thing, honestly. i hope its cute at least. my limp form is pulled backwards through the front door. i almost fall but something else picks us up. i start to lose myself in the greyscale again before the sanctity of my eyelids are forced open, gazing directly into the asynchronatic blue and hazel eyes of an unrecognizable being. i’d say her beauty startled me awake if i wasnt so unsure this is even real.

apparently she was talking the whole time, because now we’re in the living room. i think? i forgot what that’s supposed to look like. her voice now tuned to the ears, i jolt at the sudden audio input. she sees and tilts her head with a mock smile. i think. her eyes glare into me like she’s staring into my absent soul. “Mutt.” 

dizzy. body moving away from me, again. so far. i watch it fall to its knees. fading. i can’t look at myself. she’s just smiling. bark! i feel familiar body spasms but don't see any physical representation. i never thought id miss the bodily prison. bark. bark. tilting its head to the side. my nonexistent hands clench tight. the woman brings her left leg to rest on her right, twirls her finger and we- it rolls over, instantaneously. like its ingrained into its programming. short-circuiting mental wires twist and fray in the head i unassuredly inhabit. pulling, twisting at cords between me and the form, voices berating myself for wanting back in as i thoughtlessly climb. 

her eyes suddenly glare upwards, past my head, almost as if directly into the ‘me’ i can feel. another twisting grin, teethy and sharp. “are you alright, dear?” her voice is malevolence. staring into the sky, she lifts up her hand, causing the body to jump on its hind legs, twirling stupidly. another chuckle slips from her lips, reverberating all around me. “want back in?”  teasing. who does she think she is- who even is she? i growl. not as a dog. she smiles again, and with a snap of her fingers i am slingshotted back into physicality, gasping for air, breathing new air into new lungs. i come out twitching uncontrollably, trying to forget, need to forget, get out of place again. i shut my eyes tight and pretend nothing is real. nothing is real, it cant be. 

tsk tsk. “you’re not getting back out so easily, girl.” she growls, clicking her tongue. she does a quick pulling motion with her hand, and my body is suddenly flung forward with it. leashed. thrown into the armchair beneath her. i throw my hand at her face, without thinking, imprinting a bright red into her skin. i flinch. // add more here //

“who do you think you are, DOG.” she yells, my body wants to curl up into a ball. “i FIXED you, and you don’t even recognize who i am!” she presses and grinds the toe of her leather boot into my legs. into cuts i dont remember existing. i collapse the second pain courses through me. “you need me, girl.”

the air is choked out of me. ripped out exorbitantly. i trudge through the pain, look her in her perverse face and spit. bitch. she digs her boot harder into my leg. i squeal in a pitch i’ve never reached before.

“seems like someone needs some more time alone in her room-” she grins. the body shudders what does she even get from this? pleasure? what has she done to us? me. why is this so different. how can she make me be here? her hand pulling at the collar of my shirt jolts me out of thought. pinprick goosebumps run up my arm. body tics from the disembodied draft in the air. i am forced despite myself, dragged across dirty ceramic floors. i scream. i cry. i hit. i thrash. everything i can muster at once, leads to nothing. i remember the feeling of weight, yet she throws me from the floor into the back of the empty room with no effort. spine stings with anger. careless fucking-

“you’re gonna wish i had kept you disembodied. doll.” she leans against the doorway so non-chalantly. like im not quaking with pain. “i’ll make sure you dont forget this next time, at least.” and she pushes the door. 

i scramble on the floor fighting the pain surging through my joints, clawing at the floorboards to get to the door as it slowly closes. no use. closing, closing, closing, my ragged dirty fingernails almost reach it but fall just short. the last thing i see before the door closes and the darkness takes hold is her twisted, eldritch smile mocking me through the gap.

[lizzyscribbles]

Tonight's blabber is brought to you by sleep deprivation and my desire to ignore it long enough to try to get my sleep schedule back on track. Drink your electrolytes when you're out in the sun for long periods of time kids, even if you don't feel thirsty, don't be me.

Lizzy's MHA Ramble of the Evening (I need a shorter title for these things): Why I think Toga's death was one of the best in the series.

Now, before I begin, I have to say that as an author, I think that her dying was a good choice since it seems so authentic to her character and I can’t see an end where she’d be happy being captured. Over and over again, she shows us that she's only going to do what she wants. It makes the whole scene so much more impactful, because it shows us how much Ochaco's words really meant to her. We know from over the course of the series that Himiko doesn't do shit she doesn't want to, that's the whole point of her being in the league. So, her sacrificing herself because she wanted to just feels so right and satisfying from an author standpoint, it's the kind of development I die for. Could it have been better? Probably! But that’s a thought for another time.

...But, as a fan, it hurts my heart so much. Toga was another character, much like Bakugo, that I hated so much in the beginning yet grew to love by the end. Her story hits home for me for several reasons, but mostly because it not only shows the importance of finding people who don't ask you to be someone else for their comfort, but also inspires us to be that person for someone else.

You see, love is a funny thing, mostly because it's never the same twice. Be it platonic, romantic, familial or friend, it's never something I think we'll fully understand. However, I do believe this:

Himiko Toga was never truly loved before she ended up in the league.

I don't necessarily mean romantic love here, by the way, I feel like I should say that. Maybe it was, maybe it wasn't, but I don't really think that's what matters here anyway.

We see at the end of Toga's fight with Ochaco where she gives the hero her blood that she ponders what she would've done if she'd found love sooner, love that made her want to give and not take. I think that tells us a lot about the love she received before she left. She was under the impression that love was all take, take, take, and I'm gonna go out on a limb and say that's because that was the only kind of "love" she ever received.

That is, until Ochaco came along and offered up herself, even when she didn't have to. Like Himiko tells her, Ochaco could've killed her and she would've been in the right, but she doesn't. Instead of demanding something from Toga like everyone else had done, Ochaco offered a part of herself at no cost. She didn't expect anything back, she didn't ask for anything back, she didn't even tell her to stop, she just offered her wrist and said "please, tell me everything".

She doesn't apologize, she doesn't beg, she levels with Toga as a person and shows her what love actually is. And what does Himiko do with that? She turns around and gives it back. Even though she could've let Ochaco die and moved on, creating an easier world for her to live in, she didn't. I think that's the magic of love, as cheesy as it sounds, the second she got a taste of what it truly was she realized it was worth dying for.

In a lot of ways, love is a sacrifice, a piece of yourself you never expect to get back. But, sometimes, when you find those people who love you as much as you love them, they take your love and give you theirs.

Love is a lot of things. It makes you happy, it makes you sad, it makes you safe, and sometimes it forces you to be a little uncomfortable while you face things you didn't want to face. To love someone is to make them happy yes, but it's also to help them realize that it's okay to not be okay. Love is beautiful, but it hurts sometimes.

No one forced Himiko to give her life for Ochaco's, she didn't do it out of a warped sense of duty or because it's what she was supposed to do, she did it because for once in her life she found someone worth giving to instead of taking from.

Himiko died, but she died how she lived, doing exactly what she wanted to, and I don't think she'd have wanted it any other way.

In a way, Ochaco did save her, just like Izuku saved Tomura, even if it wasn't the way they intended to.

Okay I HAVE to go to bed because I can't keep my eyes open so hopefully that all made sense, farewell all and if anyone has any fix-it fanfics with Himiko please recommend because my heart hurts after writing that.