#does every lover in faerun turn into an animal ??

[wolfiemun-official]

Imagine being trapped on an alien planet with a worm in your brain and every woman you sleep with is a furry

Lae'zel is so tired

[marypsue]

beautiful thieves

I'm also on AO3 as MaryPSue!

...

(this is how Barry remembers it -)

There are two of them; one male, one female. They present themselves as beautiful elves, impeccably dressed. Unnaturally so. There's no hint of dirt or wear on their incredibly stylish outfits from the road or the wilds.

That's the first thing that gives them away.

"Looking for something?" the male asks, and there's just enough of a hint of mocking laughter in his tone to set Barry's internal alarms off. He was a fat kid who loved science fiction all through school, he knows when someone making a seemingly innocent request is actually making fun of him or setting him up to be the butt of some joke.

"Nothing you can help me find," he says.

"Well, isn't that a shame," the female says, with a sideways glance at the male. He returns it like he's reading her mind, and it strikes Barry how much alike they look. They could be twins. "Because that's what we specialise in, helping people find what they're looking for."

"There's no cost to you," the male says, picking up seamlessly where the female had left off. Barry gets the feeling that he's being presented with a sales pitch they've used many, many times. "But you will be, mmm...tested."

"The Felicity Wilds are not kind to trespassers," the female agrees. "And, of course, if just anyone was worthy to possess their heart's desire...well, everybody would be doing it!" Her laughter is like the tinkle of shattering crystal.

"Worthy?" Barry asks, and despite the seemingly-elvish creatures' knowing smiles, despite his own instincts insisting he should know better, he's suddenly interested in what they have to say. "What do you mean? Who are you?"

"Lydia," the female says.

"Edward," the male says. "We're...guides."

"Of a sort," Lydia agrees, with a sidelong glance at - he has to be her twin. Has to be. "And you are?"

Barry pauses.

"Sildar Hallwinter," he answers. "What kind of significant pause guides?"

...

They call themselves Lydia and Edward. They claim to guide people through Faerun on a quest for their heart's desire, but that they will only reveal the true location of the - object, artifact, experience, depending on the person - if that person passes a series of 'tests' set and designed by them, Lydia and Edward. They don't tell Barry what kind of 'tests'. They don't tell him how they came to be significant pause guides. They don't tell him how they come to possess knowledge of how to reach an individual's heart's desire.

It takes an embarrassingly long time before Barry realises who they remind him of. Like Taako and Lup, back at the press conference, before everything that had befallen them, a little cold and closed off from everyone but each other, seemingly careless but always, always watching. 

It's a scam. He knows it as soon as he makes the connection. He's watched the Taaco twins hustle enough losers to know what it looks like. Only, this time, Barry's the loser.

"Tell me," he says, watching the creatures that look like elves closely, "how many people have actually passed your 'tests'? How many people claimed their prize?"

Lydia and Edward look at each other.

"Well, it's sad to say that it's becoming very difficult to find someone who is pure of heart these days," Edward says, glancing over at Lydia every other word.

"But we do boast a success rate of - oh, counting that Cohen guy... Thirty? I would say a solid thirty per cent," Lydia says. Barry knows she's lying. She's got that too-sincere look Lup likes to use on him when she wants something.

"Tell me the truth," Barry says, and Lydia's face...kind of freezes. Like an animation that's only halfway loaded. "You never give anyone what they're looking for, do you?"

Edward laughs. Barry might be imagining the nervous edge in it. Lydia’s gaze is piercing, and it never leaves Barry’s face.

“What is it you’re looking for?” she asks.

“Something I don’t think you can give me,” Barry answers, thinking of Lup’s eyes, quicksilver in the light behind the conservatory. He reaches down, resting a hand on the hilt of the short sword he wears on his belt, under his robe. 

Lydia’s eyes narrow, and there’s something that flashes behind them that makes Barry’s grip tighten on the hilt of his sword. Something he recognises. 

It’s a strange suspicion, but - Barry already knows that these two aren’t what they appear to be. He throws out a quick Detect Magic and is nearly overwhelmed by the waves of necrotic energy pouring off of the creature - the lich - before him.

Barry adjusts his glasses, and Lydia’s perfect features crease in a frown for just a second before she turns away.

“Well, in that case, if you’re not interested in obtaining your heart’s desire -” she starts, but Barry interrupts her mid-sales pitch, turning to Edward.

“Do you know she’s a lich?”

Both Lydia and Edward freeze, staring at Barry. Then their eyes flick to one another.

“Whatever gave you that impression?” Edward says, but he sounds rattled. Lydia’s mouth is drawn, and Barry’s pretty sure it’s not his imagination that her eyes just spat red sparks. 

“Well, your girlfriend’s already losing her control and starting to break down into a creature of pure dark magic and homicidal madness,” Barry starts, but Edward holds out a hand, palm towards Barry, shaking his head seriously.

“Lydia is my sister.”

“Okay, fine. Didja know your sister’s a lich?”

“Of course he does. We both are,” Lydia snaps. “How do you -”

Barry shrugs one shoulder, and releases his grip on the short sword. “Takes one to know one,” he says, and both Lydia and Edward visibly relax. “Those aren’t real bodies, are they?”

“They’re constructs,” Edward says, waving a hand. “How else could anyone ever look this impossibly good?”

“And what would we do out in the wilds if we didn’t have all of our power at our disposal?” Lydia continues, eyeing Barry with an uncomfortably knowing look. “Faerun is a vast and very dangerous place. You never know what - or who - might cross your path.”

“Or what their intentions towards you might be,” Edward says, also giving Barry the hairy eyeball.

Barry thinks for a minute.

“Tell you what,” he says, at last. “You tell me how you’re maintaining yourselves like this, without flesh bodies and without going nuts, and I’ll tell you what I’m doing out here. Sound fair?”

Lydia and Edward exchange a glance that somehow holds an entire conversation, and Barry thinks again of Lup and Taako, holding a silent argument with each other over the breakfast table before Taako had scooped up his plate of eggs and stormed out of the kitchen in a huff.

“Sounds fair,” Edward says.

“Not really our area of expertise,” Lydia goes on, “but they do say that a change is as good as a rest.” Her smile is sharp and catlike. “So tell me, Sildar, what’s a nice lich like you doing in a place like this?”

...

Barry tells them his story. The condensed version, of course. He was part of a team of explorers who became stranded, far from their home, and were being hunted by a powerful enemy. He and his - lover, wife, soulmate - became liches to protect their family, in case their enemy found them again. He leaves out the part where this happened on another world. He leaves out the others' names, the location of the Starblaster, anything that might identify them. He leaves out a lot of things.

Lydia and Edward tell Barry their story, too. The condensed version, of course. They became liches in a desperate, failed bid to save their younger sibling - Barry nearly hands over the bell then and there - and started out supporting themselves through their sibling bonds. Then, when they discovered they needed more to sustain their sanity, they devised this significant pause guiding scam.

“There are so many delicious emotions experienced throughout a quest for one’s heart’s desire,” Edward says, a dreamy look on his constructed face. “The yearning...the fear that they may not ever reach it...the frustration, as the quest drags on and on...”

“The tests simply draw out more emotion for us to feed on,” Lydia agrees. “And keep the quester from getting too suspicious. If you tell them that the reason why they haven’t reached their goal yet is because they’re not yet worthy, because their heart’s not pure enough...well, it’s amazing what some people will do.” Her smile reaches her eyes, this time, and Edward gives a little chuckle. Barry's forcibly reminded of the time the twins replaced all of Lucretia's ink with key lime gogurt.

“So most of the time, you don’t even know where the thing they’re looking for actually is,” Barry says, and Edward looks thoughtful for a moment before nodding. “What happens to these questers, once they figure out there’s no pot of gold at the end of the rainbow?”

“Oh, they don’t usually,” Lydia says. 

“They don’t often have a chance,” Edward agrees. “Adventuring is a dangerous pastime, Darry - can I call you Darry? You just seem like a Darry.”

“Yeah, yeah,” Barry says. “What, you just kill ’em?”

Lydia pantomimes shocked offense, pressing a hand against her gold lamé blouse with all the fingers splayed, like a spider. “If we did that, we wouldn’t be in business long, would we? Like my brother said. Adventuring is a dangerous business.” She pulls her hand away from her blouse, stretching out her arm to inspect her fingernails. “Usually we don’t have to.”

"Because they tend to get discouraged and give up after a couple rounds of being told they're not pure enough of heart," Edward clarifies. 

Lydia nods. "Usually it's on a multiple of three, too. I've never considered why that might be before now."

Barry nods, chewing on the thought.

"You won't go around telling people about this, of course," Edward continues, and despite his casual tone, there's an edge of threat to his voice. "We're telling you this in strictest confidence. Lich to lich, you know. If it got out that we never deliver, well...there is such a thing as bad publicity."

"Of course, of course," Barry agrees.

“So what brought you to the Felicity Wilds, again?” Lydia asks, leaning over Barry’s shoulder. He thinks of Lup's habit of draping herself over his shoulders whenever she's tired or wants affection, and shrugs her off.

"You got me. I'm looking for something," he says.

"Well, that's so vague as to be completely meaningless," Edward says. "What, exactly, are you looking for?"

Barry considers, carefully, what to tell them. The Animus Bell hangs heavy in his pack.

"I'm looking for...a guardian," he says, at last. "Or...guardians. For a very powerful, very dangerous artifact." 

Lydia and Edward exchange interested glances.

"What kind of significant pause guardians?" Edward asks, after a moment.

"The kind of significant pause guardians who won't let anyone who isn't worthy get their hands on the artifact," Barry says. He grips the hilt of his short sword, lets it go, worries the strap of his pack in one hand. "Look, you two are pretty good at keeping people from getting things they want, right?"

"Oh, we're the best," Lydia says, her lips quirking up into a smile.

Barry nods.

"How would you like," he says, carefully, "to be able to actually put some truth into your advertising?"

Lydia and Edward exchange identical, shark-like smiles.

...

Barry doesn't see them again, after that. Amidst the destruction and devastation that the Grand Relics cause down on Faerun, he can't distinguish anything that's obviously the work of the Animus Bell. Taako's and Lup's relics, ironically enough, tend to grab the most attention.

And then Lup vanishes. And then Lucretia betrays them, and Taako kills him, and then Barry is alone, in a way he hasn't been for over a century. He's used to having a home. A family. Lup. And now? Now, Barry J. Bluejeans has nothing.

It's almost a relief to be able to slip into his flesh body, to forget.

At least he has one comfort. The Animus Bell still hasn't surfaced. There's no sign of it wreaking havoc in Faerun. At least Barry made the right choice.

At least, this one thing went right.

...

...

(this is how Lydia remembers it -)

They took the bell off some idiot in the Felicity Wilds, some idiot who hadn't seemed to know the true potential of what he was hiding. She'd only mentioned Keats, and he'd folded like a house of cards.

Sentiment. She still can't believe how easily it makes people weak.

[yeahwesaidthat]

TWWS: The Best of D&D

Ladiiiiiiiies and gentlemeeeeeeeeeeen! Welcome to the ultimate showdown: THE BEST OF D&D!

This post contains the best of the best of the D&D/RPG posts over the years of TWWS, all the way from the beginning. At the end of the post, there will be a link to a survey where you can vote for your favourites in each category (other/3.5e, 4e, and 5e) and nominate MVPs for each category. If the person you want to vote MVP has only been referenced as “Player,” just note down what quote they’re responsible for. A week from today (or until enough of you fill out the survey), Round 2 of the competition begins.

Everybody roll for initiative!

Overheard During Other RPGs

During Hackmaster, about a bottle label: SB: “It says ‘Thou shalt not question the DM over inane shit!’”

Overheard During D&D 3.5e

Unarmed damage?: MM: “It’s the difference between a slap and a bitch-slap.”

So wrong it's right: MM (IC): “I like your spunk.” KH (OOC): “So does [gay player].”

Rogue equipment: KB (IC): “I need [boots] that are…soft-sounding.” MM (IC): “We have socks.”

Describing a character: SO: “She is built like a brick shithouse.” DM: “She shits brick houses.” Bubbles: “She makes brick houses shit bricks.”

When the party has two rogues: KH (IC): “I can find it!” KB (IC): “I can find it better.”

RD (IC): “[Wizard], if you do not stop right now, I will arrest you for terminal stupidity, and I can assure you, I will find a law against it!”

A discount on services rendered: SO: “What’s 75% off of ‘I run and do whatever you ask without question’?”

Calling for divine help in very specific situations: MM: “Please state your current medical emergency.” KB: “Head-splosion.” SO: “If you have been stabbed, press one. If you are currently being stabbed, press two.” MM: “If your head’s detonated and you’ve launched into a wall, press three.” RD: “Why did you press three? We never expected anyone to press three!” SO: “We don’t know what to do in this medical emergency! Please dial again!”

IO: “[Wizard] is going to say - ” KB: “Can I tell you why this is a bad idea?” IO: “No.”

Proper procedure when everything goes to hell: RD: “[Cleric] goes outside and makes a magic circle, sits in it, and cries.”

KH (IC): “That stupid fucking son of a flea-ridden bitch cunt wizard - ” MM (IC): “Oh, him.”

How to pray to the god Ao: KB, KH, and MM: “I throw my hands up in the air sometimes sayin’ heeeeey-oh! I worship Aaaaaaa-o!” Bubbles: “[The wizard’s] gaaaaaaaay-o!"

Overheard During D&D 4e

SIDE NOTE: A Quiplash commentary on D&D 4e: A more environment-friendly alternative to toilet paper - 4th ed character sheets

What we think we saw - again?: Player: “If it looks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and weighs the same as a duck, it must be a witch.” KH: “It’s a witch.” RJ: “Build a bridge out of 'er!”

Healing needed: Player: “I have a mess kit, will that help?” WS: “Only if you want to make a mess.”

Captain: “Neverwinter ho!” Dwarf: “Hos? Where?”

SB: “Eventually you end up at the most popular stall in the market.” Player: “Porn?”

About attacking a character that may or may not be good: SB: “Wait, what’s your alignment?” Player: “Lawful Paranoid.”

Taunting the kraken: Player: “Your tentacles are so short even an anime girl wouldn’t take 'em!”

Questioning the legitimacy of an NPC: SB (IC as Priest): “I have a degree in polytheism from the University of Phoenix Online!”

Making sure it’s really dead: SB: "You kick the head and it goes sailing through the open door of the tomb. You hear a voice in the darkness go ’Gooooooooal!’”

Killing the undead: SB: “Congratulations, you choked something to death that doesn’t breathe.”

Mass undead murder: Player: “We made a ghoul-ash. An evil gumbo, really.”

Architecture: Player: “I like big buttresses and I cannot lie.”

Interesting kills: SB: “You decapitated him with a bludgeoning weapon.”

About flying books: Player 1: “The window opens in! How do they fly out?” Player 2: “They’re paperbacks."

Player: “Thank God I decided to engage the dragon in melee.” MW: “You’ll never hear that in any other D&D campaign ever again.”

Player: “Is the food still on the table?” Three Of Us: “DON’T EAT IT!!!”

Overheard During D&D 5e

Annoying Teen: (about his character) “Would he still hate me?” AD: (not about his character) “I think everyone hates you.”

Don’t mess with a dire bear: JI: “There’s one inside who attacks the bear…" (rolls) "...and misses horribly ‘cause he shits his pants.”

JI: “He doesn’t have 100 hit points. He has 95.”

Demonic insight: KH: “I say in Infernal, ‘Peace! We mean you no harm!’” JI: “There’s no word in Infernal for ‘peace.’” Retroactive Edit: Demons actually speak Abyssal. Devils speak Infernal.

Animal form disadvantages: AD: “I’m going to bite [the zombie].” Everyone Else: (mass noise of disgust)

JI: “You feel a pinch in your mind as if she’s flipping through your yellow pages.” AD: “That’s got to be a euphemism for something.” ST: “Oh, yeah, baby, turn my yellow pages.” JB: “Turn to ‘F’ for fun.”

What happens in every religious venue in every D&D campaign ever: JB: “Here is the church, here is the steeple,” KH: “Open the door, and here are the zombies.”

KH: “Did you sneak off to her house in the middle of the night?” ST: “Does that sound like something I would do?” KH, AD, and CD: “Yes.”

JI: “You guys came in here - ” AD: “ - like a wrecking ball - ”

Post-adventure considerations: KH: “[Rogue] wouldn’t know what to do with her life.” AD: “She can bail herself out of jail.”

Switching to melee for a change: CD: “Let’s see if this ‘offense’ thing you do all the time really works.” (rolls a critical hit)

The logistics of being swallowed by a sea monster: ST: “Am I going to take damage if I move further along his digestive tract?”

EC: “If you had leprosy and your ears fell off would you be a deaf leper?”

Identifying mysterious cults: KH: “What’s the Cult of Howling Hatred?” EC: “The Westboro Baptist Church, obviously.”

DR: “Apparently your god has personally intervened due to your badassery.”

A Mass Effect cameo on a dexterity check for dancing: EC: “If you roll a one, you dance like Shepard.”

EC (IC): “So what you’re saying is that it’s very dangerous and we shouldn’t go in. I’ll take point.”

Things to worry about in combat: KH: “You don’t have enough hit points to take it like a man, honey.”

The ends justify the means?: Bubbles: “Did you have fun role-playing an interrogation?” DR: “You guys are fucked up.”

KH: “How do you stun-lock a Terrasque?!?” JB: “Fourth Edition.”

ST: “Do we have to kill them before we eat? I hate murdering on an empty stomach.”

About a revenant and a possible lover: EC: “Well the beast is committing necrophilia and the necro is committing bestiality…” DR: “What happens in Faerun, et cetera.”

Rolling high on a seduction check: DR: “Frankly, I didn’t think you’d go down this road.” KH: “Oh, I went down all right.”

More on the seduction roll: Bubbles: “Try to convince her to come with us. The way she came with you last night.”

About a nonviolent kua-toa: Player: “He’s a paci-fish.”

About dealing with face-hugging enemies: CD: “You swung at yourself and missed?” AD: “I swung at myself and missed.”

ST (IC): “I’ll be staying in the boat unless you have need of my specific skills.” CD (OOC): “Dying first is not a skill.”

About cultists: DM (IC): “They are water people. Maybe they’re just going with the flow.”

About a minotaur who keeps missing: DM: “At least when you put a bull in a china shop he’ll break shit.”

About bottles of brandy: EC: “I have two questions: how many of them are there and how many of them can I carry?”

Ideas so bad they’re good: KH: “We’re gonna blow up the temple with the distillery.” F: “The temple, the lich, half the plot…”

About going forward: KH: “Against our better judgment.” DM: “What better judgment?” KH: “Good point.”

About shooting arrows: KH: “'Nock’ yourself out.”

About using a lot of magic: JS: “We’re blowing a big load here right now.”

JS: “You wanna go up the shaft?” ST and T: “That’s what he said.”

About flirting with an efreet: JI: “Below her waist is a trailing cloud of black smoke, so you’re not getting anything.”

Questioning the guardian imp: Player (IC): “What happens if someone disturbs the sarcophagus before your time is up?” WS (IC): “There’ll be six more weeks of winter.”

MR (IC): “Trying to undercut me on my quest to restore my former glory?” KH (IC): “You have no glory to restore.” Other Players: “Oooooooh!” SW: “Quick, someone cast heal!”

When talking with a spirit: MR (IC): “You can’t just ask someone if they’re dead! That’s incredibly rude! The correct term is ‘mortally challenged’!”

After a petrifying encounter with some basilisks: BC: “I always thought she was stone-hearted.” KT: “I dunno, I thought she rocked.” JS: “I am going to kill all of you.”

What to do with windmills: KH: “If we had a lance, we could go tilting.” MR: “Cavalier idea.”

Quest priorities: Player 1: “No one’s going to pay us to do it right now. It’s not worth the attention.”

JF: “Roll to see if you hit me by accident.” KH: “Oh, I’d hit you on purpose.”

K’s paladin chastising A’s paladin about her sex habits: A (IC): “I thought you were the paladin of joy!” K (IC): “Not that kind of joy!”

About a previous edition of D&D: KH: “[What] the hell couldn’t you do in 3.5?” SW: “Win.”

KH: “Technically you’re underage.” ST: “That’s never stopped me before.” AD: “You or your character?” ST: “Do I have to answer that?”

D: “We’re gonna make the Underdark great again!” ST: “We’re gonna build a wall - a really big wall in the Underdark, and we’re gonna make the gnomes pay for it.” A: “We pay for everything already! Screw you!”

About a character who caught fire: T: “He’s not rolling initiative; he’s rolling on the ground.”

T (IC): “Let’s go before the men’s egos get us killed.”

JB (IC): “My god believes in good opportunities. Not dying is a good opportunity.”

Passing on some bad news: JI (IC): “[Chief] not sick!” AD (IC): “He was when we were done with him.”

To a healer: KH (IC): “I don’t suppose you have a cure for the common cold?” JI (IC): “I’m not a miracle worker.”

Reassuring a woman scorned: AA (IC): “Go tell her - all men dogs.” JI (OOC): “Says the cat.”

To the tune of “Like a G6”: ST and KH: “Roll a d6, roll a d6!”

KH: “Of course it’s always about dirty sex - I’m a bard!” AD: “The hell are you two talking about down there?!”

To a mindflayer, about a stupid character: KH (IC): “I’d offer you his brain to eat, but I don’t think he has one.” JS (IC as mindflayer): “I don’t eat junk food.”

MGW: “It’s Tza…Zsa…his name is Jasper.”

Saying goodbye to the barkeep: MR (IC): “I’ll be back visiting the northern parts soon.” KH (OOC): “And then you can visit her southern parts.”

About a questionable NPC: ST (IC): “I would never dream of hurting you!” KH (IC): “I would.”

About prison visitations: JB (IC): “How often is it that a [gypsy] walks in here voluntarily?”

Failing a romance/persuasion check: AA: “Ooh, she cast Zone of Friend!”

Preparing for a swamp adventure: CD: “I want to buy some insect repellant.” AD: “What, your personality doesn’t drive them away?”

About a magic boat: JB (IC): “I saw it grow!” ST (IC): “Are you sure you didn’t rub it? That sometimes happens with wood.” JB (IC): “You would know.” ST (IC): “You wouldn’t.” JB (IC): “Tell that to my two children.”

About an injured drow: MGW (IC): “Look at that poor girl! She has a black eye! You can’t see it, ‘cause her skin is black, but still!”

Last-minute aliases: RD (IC): “Unfortunately, no, my name is Dick Ballsenshaft.”

To a half-orc and Sir Bearington, regarding weirdness: MGW (IC): “…but for me to assume you’re in a loving relationship with a talking bear is where we draw the line?!”

Wisdom for stealing magic items: KC: “Anything that glows goes.”

About fleeing: RD: “I’m going to run like an Amazon employee during the holidays.”

MGW: “You were doing so well until everybody died.” JF: “D&D in a summary.”

Once more about fleeing: RD: “A smart man knows when to run like a little bitch.” J: “Why do you think that’s the first thing I did?”

Recapping the previous session: A: “There was a shitshow, but we got away with it.” S: “So the usual, then.”

About creature size: MR: “Is an ettin large or huge?” MGW: “I think he’s just large.” A: “He’s probably large but pretends he’s huge.” AS: “Typical guy.”

When a pervy character is disgusted by a perv: RD: “Dear Kettle, I have an issue with your current hue. Signed, the Pot.”

A: “He told us to send a message.” KH: “A sword in the stomach is a message.” SW: “The Lannisters send their regards.”

The pervy paladin: A: “I used Lay On Hands. I healed him.” KH: “Yeah, but where did you lay your hands?” MGW: “Wherever she wanted.”

About our tactics: SW: “We put the 'fun’ in 'dysfunctional.’”

About possible activities: MGW (IC): “I know you’re a tiefling, but we’re all the same color in the dark, right?”

Interesting weapon material: MGW: “You all take a moment of reflective silence.” JB: “Nah, I’m just cleaning my bone.” KH: “Technically that’s a moment of reflective silence.” KC: “Not if you’ve seen the barbarian do it.”

Scrying like bad cell reception: KH: “Switch to AD&D.” JB: “Can you scry me now?”

About the taste of human: SW: “You would know.” A: “Nah, I don’t swallow.” MR: “This conversation is making me uncomfortable.”

Wrestling prep: MR (IC): “I want a good, clean fight.” A (IC): “No we don’t.” JB (IC): “What’s a clean fight?” A (IC): “It means you have to take a bath first.” JB (IC): “What’s a bath?”

MGW: “There’s a bridge that looks like it may have collapsed at some point.” JB: “Is it a-bridged?”

Beautiful references (read in Rorschach’s voice): AA: “I’m not grappled with YOU,” ST, AA, and KH: “YOU’RE grappled with ME!”

About remaining spells: KH: “I have three 1st-level slots and one 2nd-level slot.” CD: “Those are 'keeping people alive’ slots.”

Dealing with extra-limbed gorillas: ST: “Uh-oh! They must have been forewarned!” AD: “What makes you say that?” ST: “Forewarned is four-armed.” AD: -_-

Negotiation skills: AD: “It’s just me trying to bullshit him.” JI: “Why don’t you make a bullshit check?”

Trying to figure out if the staff is necromantic: CD: “We could kill a mouse in front of the staff. We could kill a mouse with the staff. How much is it to buy a mouse?”

JB: “Anyone die while I was gone?” SW: “Not on the outside.”

Wizarding limits: JS: “You may not polymorph your zombies into t-rexes.”

Zombies aren’t too smart: BC (IC): “Bobs, attack the closest gnoll!” Bobs: (run at gnoll party member) KH (OOC): “Et tu, Bob?” JS (OOC): “If this doesn’t belong in your blog, I dunno what does.”

Far too relatable: JS: “Twenty psychic damage.” BC: “I’ve taken more psychic damage from my mother.”

Worst-laid plans: KH (IC): “I have a very bad feeling about this.” MR (IC): “You should.”

Our go-to combat tactic: MR: “Are we going to stupid the guy to death?”

Zing!: MGW (IC): “If you join me, I can make you the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” TP (IC): “I am the greatest dwarf who ever lived.” Whole Table (OOC): “Ooooohhhhh!!!”

Another verbal duel with a sea god/character class limitations: KH: “I would say 'what is a god to a nonbeliever,’ but I’m a cleric.”

Activating the mysterious device: BC (IC): “We did it! I wonder what we did?”

Business as usual: KH: “This seems like a bad idea, but go ahead.”

Old adages: MR: “No plan survives contact with the enemy.” (IC) “But then, no enemy has survived contact with us!” (OOC) “Was that quote-worthy?” KH: “Yes.”

KC: “She can ride me. I don’t care.” KH: ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) KC: “…I’M A BEAR IN ARMOR.”

Advantageous druidic inanity: KC: “Are you still riding the flying bear?” MR: “It’s flying now?” KC: “Yeah, he flew up to unlock the door.” AS: “…So he’s a flying bear with armor…”

Spell modifications for humourous purposes: MR: “Using a Dex[terity] save for Zone of Truth means they’re literally dodging the question.”

About a wild, crazy, out-of-left-field hypothesis: RD (IC): “I figured if you pulled something that big our of your ass there’d be bleeding involved.” MR (IC): “…That’s between me and my proctologist.” SW (OOC): “Did you take fire damage for that? That’s like Taco Bell levels of burn.”

As is per usual: MR: “We may have once again survived this by the skin of bullshit.”

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