#does anybody outside of the south know what I'm talking about

[ravenlikesbooks]

today's random hyperspecifically obscure gender is the something-is-off sweet tea from the really good small family owned Mexican restaurant where you can't quite tell what exactly is wrong with it and the only real word to describe it is rotting but it still tastes good for some reason so you continue drinking it.

[jojo0039]

*Pogue for Life* Welcome to Kitty Hawk Part 1

It is barely dawn and Jo and the rest of her friends are sitting outside.

Jo is sitting beside JJ and Kie as they watch the rest of the Chateau collapse to the ground.

The fire is still going, but more calmly.

"It could have been a faulty electrical wire." Pope guesses.

"The place was all wood. A tinderbox." Kie comments.

Jo leans her head on JJ's shoulder.

He wraps his arm around her shoulder.

"Thing just went up." Cleo says.

"Just out of nowhere. I'm just glad we all made it out safely." Jo says.

"Verdict is in bro. Whoever is up there does not like you." JJ comments.

Jo swats his arm.

Thunder cracks against the sky.

The friends quickly run down to the dock so they can take shelter.

The rain is pouring down pretty hard.

"When did you say the pilot is getting in?" John B asks Sarah.

"Probably in like an hour. Once he's here, my dad said we can leave whenever we want." Sarah tells them.

"Okay, well as much as I would love to ghost my parents again. I can't." Pope states.

"Pope, we're talking about El Dorado here. Can't you just slip out the back maybe?" JJ retorts.

"Great advice." Kie jokes.

"It's always worked for me." JJ mumbles.

"I agree with Pope. There's a couple of stops I have to make first." Jo locks eyes with JJ.

She quickly averts her gaze.

"Ok. Let's do what we need to do and meet up at the airstrip in an hour." Kie comments as she jumps down from the railing.

"One hour Pope. Not a second later."

JJ yells after him as Pope and Cleo walk away from the dock.

"I promise one hour." Pope yells back.

"I'm gonna go pack some stuff and break the news to my parents." Kie states as she starts to walk off behind Pope and Cleo.

"Do you need one of us to go with you?" Jo asks her.

Kie shakes her head.

"No. I can handle my parents. Besides you guys gotta pack to. I'll be okay."

Jo pulls Kie into a hug.

"See you soon." Jo says with a smile.

Kie walks off the dock.

"Do you need me to go with you? You know in case things get ugly."

JJ pulls Jo closer to him by her waist.

John B and Sarah share an amused look.

"I'll be okay Jay. You don’t need to worry about me." she tells him.

"You know I always worry about you." he tells her.

They lock eyes and for a minute they forget that they’re not alone.

John B clears his throat breaking the two of them apart.

"Okay, well since you don't need me. I'm gonna swing by the shack for old time's sake." JJ says breaking the tension.

"We'll see you guys in an hour." Sarah calls after them as they walk hand in hand off the dock.

                                    ******************************

Jo stands outside her father's house nervously.

She unlocks the door and sneaks through the house to the steps.

She climbs up the steps and sneaks into her room.

She quickly grabs a backpack and throws clothes and medical supplies into her bag.

She changes her clothes and grabs her passport.

She slips it into her back pocket and takes a look around.

There might be a chance she isn't coming back.

She opens the door and looks down the hall.

When she doesn't see anybody she sneaks out and down the steps.

She sees her dad's office and the light is on.

She takes a deep breath and pushes the door open.

Her dad is sitting at his desk typing on his computer.

He is speaking on the phone.

"I'm gonna have to call you back." he says into the phone before he hangs up.

He gives her a look of disappointment.

She steps into the room nervously.

"I know that you're mad at me." she starts.

"Mad isn't even the right word for it Joanna." Buzz snaps.

She looks down at the floor in shame.

"I understand. I won't be here long. I just wanted to tell you that I'm going to South America." she tells him.

He sighs in frustration and pinches the bridge of his nose.

"When are you gonna wake up and realize life isn't about running after lost treasure?" Buzz raises his voice at her.

"This isn't about treasure. Big John has been taken by Carlos Singh." Jo informs her.

Buzz stops in surprise.

"What are you talking about?"  he asks her.

"The Pogues and I are leaving to help John B rescue his father. I'm not asking for permission. I'm telling you out of courtesy so you don't try to look for me." she says to him.

"Do you hear yourself? You are not some adult who can just up and travel the world whenever you please. You are a child. And this is too dangerous." Buzz argues.

"I am not a little girl anymore Dad. I have already been through so much. Instead of yelling at me about it, I want you to be proud of me." Jo expresses.

"Proud of you? For what? For endangering your life? Why am I the bad guy for just wanting you to be safe?" he questions.

"Because you are the one who taught me everything I know. All my skills and instincts I learned from you, Dad."

She pauses as she fights back tears.

"I used to listen to all of the stories that you would tell about the calls you were on. And I thought that you were the coolest and I wanted to be just like you. The guy that would do anything for anybody. And that's what I'm gonna do. I'm gonna do all that I can do to help my friend save his father." Jo says.

"I just want you safe." he tells her pleadingly.

"Then come with us, Dad." she suggests.

He shakes his head.

"I'm not coming with you." he states firmly.

"Why not? John was your best friend for so many years. With your medical training, you could be a great help to us!" she argues her point.

"I'm not going, Joanna. John made his choices and I am making mine. I'm staying here and I really wish you would too." he tells her.

"I spent so many days not talking to my friends and feeling left out. But I would never turn my back on them. I'm sorry that you feel that way. But I'm going with my friends. You stay and do what you think is right."

She turns on her heels and storms out of the office.

She quickly rushes out of the house and heads for the car.

She checks the time and she sees she has about 40 minutes left before she has to meet her friends to leave.

That gives her plenty of time to say her goodbyes to Rafe.

                                                 *******************************

Jo unlocks the side door at Tannyhill.

The house is dark and silent and she looks around.

"Rafe!"

She shouts out but doesn't hear him.

She walks up the steps slowly.

"Rafe!?"

She calls out again.

She hears soft speaking coming from the balcony.

She slowly makes her way out and sees Rafe pacing back and forth in front of the railing.

"Hey." she speaks to catch his attention.

He looks up in surprise at the sound of her voice.

His eyes look bloodshot and he has bags under his eyes.

He just stares at her.

She looks at him in concern.

"Are you okay?" she asks him.

Rafe scoffs at the question.

"My fiancé walked out on me last night. Do you think I'm okay?"

He leans against the rail and crosses his arms over his chest.

She looks at him with sad eyes.

"I am so sorry. It wasn't my intention to hurt you." she tells him.

"Yea, well you did." he comments back.

"I didn't mean for things to go that way. I just- I just felt suffocated and caged in."

He gives her a hurt look.

"When we first got to Guadeloupe, I swore that I wasn't gonna fall back in love with you. But I did, and I don't regret a single moment of that. I want you to know that. When I said yes to you, I meant it. I was ready to spend the rest of my life with you." she tells him.

"So then what changed? If you were so happy with me as you claim to be, what went wrong? I mean I quit drugs for you. I went to a therapist for you. I sold that gold for you! And for what? For you to up and leave me and go be with your Pogue friends? How am I gonna be able to just watch you and see you here and not be with you?" he raises his voice.

"That won't be an issue. I'm going to South America and I don't know if I'm coming back." she says to him.

"What? Why are you going to South America?" Rafe questions.

"John B needs help to save his father. I need to be there and help. I want you to understand why I am doing this."

She steps closer to him.

He looks like he's about to cry.

"But I need you here. I- I don't think I can be okay if you're gone." he confesses to her.

She grabs his hand in hers.

"I will always be here for you. I do love you, Rafe. I always have and I always will."

She feels tears in her eyes.

She watches as he pulls away from her and turns to face the yard.

"Rafe? Is everything okay?" she asks in concern.

"I uh I'm wrestling with this decision about my dad. I know that it helps me and my business if I go through with this, I can really hurt him. And we both know I still care about him." He tells her.

She grabs his arm and turns him so he's facing her.

She grabs his face in her hands.

"Look at me, I'm not gonna pretend that Ward is the greatest or whatever. But you are better than him. The fact that you are struggling with this decision proves that you are. I'm not gonna make the decision for you. But the trick is to do the thing that you're gonna regret the least. If it's gonna eat you up inside to have your father killed, don’t do it. You will never be the same and we both know that." she tells him.

He pulls away from her.

"You're in the process of breaking up with me, so why are you saying all of this to me?" he questions.

"Because you're different now. Because you're the Rafe that I always imagined having a future with."

She pulls her rings off her fingers.

Rafe watches her with sad and heartbroken eyes.

She places the rings on the small table.

"You'll do the right thing. I know you will. Goodbye, Rafe."

She quickly turns to leave the balcony.

She makes it down the steps before she starts sobbing.

She presses her hand over her chest as it feels tight.

She just said goodbye to the first boy she ever loved and the father of her unborn baby.

[o-kaythislooksbad]

ailesswhumptober day 16: drowning / hostile environment / "i don't know how anybody could survive that"

chapter 2 / 7 of you fall and you crawl and you break | not rated, chose not to warn

a chorus of car alarms began as the street rumbled. jackie instinctively moved towards the window, to see what could have possible caused such a loud sound, but her dad's firm hands on her shoulders pulled her back.

"remember what they said on the news, baby."

jackie nodded. a week full of emergency broadcasts interrupting everything from early morning cartoons to the weather was hard to forget. 

"if we see the hulk, we can't let him see us," jackie said. "but why? he's a hero, like the falcon. and he only hurts bad people, and we're not bad people, are we, and also are we sure this isn't just an earthquake? we learned about earthquakes in school last week. miss eliza said that - "

"jackie. you keep still, you keep outta his sight. if he can see you - and he shouldn't, baby, we'll be far away before that can happen - you don't look him in the eye." dad made her promise that she wouldn't, and she agreed, 'cause he promised her that there wouldn't be a chance of it happening, but it did. 

their entire block seemed to collapse within a minute. the hulk's roar was even louder than the helicopters that hovered above him. they looked like jackie's toys when they were so close to the hulk's large hands; he even crushed them like she would when playing pretend. 

the hulk stood in the middle of what used to be a house, surrounded by flames and scraps of cars. jackie gasped as she saw him, 'cause how could she not, and somehow he heard and slowly, slowly turned his head around. green eyes, so bright that they could rival the glow-in-the dark stars on her ceiling, stared right at her. neither of them moved for the longest second of jackie's short life, and then the hulk crouched and jumped away.

"i don't get it. how can anybody survive that?"

"we did, baby." dad coughed. "we did."

~ ~ ~ ~ ~

old mrs. melrose's version of the story lined up with the cop's and the father's in the way that a late night talk show host's monologue of the news is technically but not usually accurately considered a news report. it was more amusing, and a welcome distraction from the actual story, but it wasn't one jackie could afford to waste time on. 

"he was a monster," the old lady had said. "a devil," said the priest whose name she already forgot; she could always rewind her recordings and check the transcript, if necessary. the bartender and the cop loosely identified another witness, but with all that went on and went down after the fight in the church, no one bothered to follow up on him. 

on the record, no one else seemed to connect that the witness in south dakota matched the description of the john doe from the gas station in arizona, which matched a similar body in colorado not far from where bruce banner supposedly called the EPA into a cemetery. no one wanted to think about the implications of all the sudden gamma related deaths charting a similar path. no one except walter langkowski, to jackie's delight and her editor's chagrin.

the herald couldn't afford to cover the expenses, but langkowski had no such qualms and was glad to pay for anything and everything they might need as they headed towards tennessee. he talked with great enthusiasm and theatrics as he described his past with bruce, and actually managed to surprise jackie with some of the stories.

"i gotta be honest with you, mcgee, i'm concerned at how much people have forgotten these things or if shield's scrubbed it all from public record."

"there's another option," jackie added, "which is that they simply don't care. what i don't understand is how he could've survived all that."

walt shrugged from just outside her peripheral. "he's the hulk. that's what he does."

"oh, i've accepted that long ago. i meant bruce; the things you said about his parents and what happened before he arrived at penn, i don't know how anybody could survive that."

they slowed to a stop at the red light, and their conversation stalled with the car. walt sighed as he ran his hands through his wild mane of hair, then asked, "remember what i told you about replicating bruce's process?"

"what you said two minutes ago? yeah, it's gonna be hard to forget that." 

the light changed to green, and walt's energy returned.

"one of the things i tried to be sure of was that by creating my own hulk, i'd be the one in control, not him. and it was so, so easy to do that, mcgee, to move around as sasquatch while still being me. everyone kept praising me for it. they figured that since my body was stronger than bruce's, and i had a better handle on it than he did, that's what made it easier."

he paused and gave her time to hear what he hadn't said. 

"it wasn't the body. or it wasn't just the body, or the differences in your physicality. or the way yours was a deliberate transformation, each time, while his was accidental. bruce… bruce didn't survive all of that, at least not on his own."

"now you're getting it, mcgee."

jackie had believed walt when he said he had total control over sasquatch. she thought she had seen proof when the knife was plunged into his back and he bled uncontrollably. 

and then bruce banner arrived at the hospital and told her to get everyone out. "he's got the same gamma signature as i do, you understand? walt may not make it off that operating table, but someone else will."

---

the hulk that jackie met in minnesota resembled the one she remembered from arizona, in the way that he was massive and green, but that's where the similarities ended. the hulk she remembered from her youth gained strength and power through his anger; the more he was pushed, the harder he pushed back. he didn't seem to be aware or care about the people behind the guns and aircraft attacking him, and that's what scared her.

the hulk in minnesota, the one who fought a beast who was neither sasquatch nor langkowski, was mindful of their location. he avoided the corpses already on the ground, tried to prevent another from joining their ranks, and used himself as a vessel to contain what was left of walt's gamma radiation. he spoke with the same urgency and clarity as banner, carried the same tension in his shoulders, and clenched his jaw and his fists and listened instead of tearing the place apart.

"gamma makes me stronger," he explained, and left it at that. 

he pieced together that this wasn't an ordinary story for jackie, told her to tell him exactly why she cared to follow them around if she couldn't even look at them, and that's what scared her. 

"fine!" she confessed as she stood up to look hulk in the face. "it is personal, and i have to ask - how do i get to be what you are?!" 

the hulk merely sighed, told jackie to go home, and walked away. 

she went with walt to the alpha flight station instead, learned of the one below all, and wished for a brief moment that she never heard of the hulk. she blamed the adrenaline on the stupid question which she already had the tragic answer to, eavesdropped on carol's plan to take down banner, and waited for the station's comms to alert her of the news.

if anybody could survive a fight to the death against the avengers, it would be hulk. 

[kkikiwi]

i

i desperately need to stop thinking about him. but maybe after i ask him out on a date. after i spend one more day with him. then i'll stop. i found that i need to put myself in his shoes.

outside of the texting, if someone were to text me most days, i would think they're interested in me.

if i were to spend a whole day with them, i would think we're at least friends.

if i were to be venmo-ed half the amount that i paid for our outing, i would think they weren't interested in me like that.

if i were to hang out with them more and they continued to insist paying me back for the costs, i would think they want to stay friends.

if i couldn't even pay them back for the last outing because they paid beforehand, would i push for that? are we still friends?

i wonder if he notices that i haven't been texting him. i'm stupidly waiting for him to text me. i kind of hate chasing. i've never felt the need to because i've never had such a strong attachment to anybody. but he

he's an interesting person. we get along so well. i'm comfortable. we don't share all the same opinions, but i believe our values are similar. he frustrates me and makes me feel challenged. i feel like i can talk to him about most things. a friend can do that. but i also feel a strong physical attraction to him. i want to hold hands and hug him whenever i want. i don't even know if he'd like that. i want to know what he's like in a relationship. i want to know if he'd treat me the same if we end up together. i want to get to know his raver friends and see if they do/don't care about the world around them.

i think i care too much sometimes. and i feel so alone in this.

he's an attentive listener. that last hangout we had, i told him, for the third time, about the time i walked through dtla and skid row... /cries

did he really forget? or is he feigning that he forgot to hear me tell the story again? i don't want to delude myself into thinking that, because i'll be pulled back into an even deeper sense of limerence. ah.

i want him to know how much i like him. and i want to date him. if i told myself last year what a flipping loser i've become for seeing validation from a man, i'd give myself an aneurism.

why has it come to this?

and if he didn't like me that way, i know he'd be too nice, too considerate to stop being friends like that. one of the pitfalls of liking a guy who's genuinely nice and not fake nice.

and he's generous. he's generous. to hell with the love languages, but his is definitely acts of service. that day he wiped the chair for me, i was gone. that day we spent i was gone. when he mentioned boycotting, that was it for me. out of the men i've met irl, he's the one that has social awareness at least. that's one of the biggest things i look for but would never tell people. because of that, it seems all the more genuine when it came out of nowhere. looking back on that day, i can tell that he at least had some interest in me. i don't know about now. i want a sign. but instead of waiting, should i just go for it?

ah. and i can't stop thinking about his opinion on the industrial military complex. i know he's not vehemently for it, but that's what shook me when he actually bought from lockheed martin. after that, i was like, should we even still be friends? he definitely tried to rile me up. how could i not? seeing 9+ months' worth of these corporations bombing the hell out of several vulnerable countries is not something i would advocate for.

also, does he realize that these same corporations funding the military presence in west asia are the same ones perpetuating the exploitation of the global south?

y'know, i am appreciative that he's not holding back on very much anymore. lol. he seems comfortable talking to me about just about anything. that's reassuring.

so again. texting is not everything. my own texting habits are abysmal. don't take it to heart. reach out, tell him, and move on if it doesn't work.

it's like alyssa told me, there's nothing wrong with liking somebody or asking them out.

as abi said, the chase is so self-deprecating but worth if the other party is as dense as they are. also, her man also did and still does this. (that made me feel less alone.)

and like lia has said, how is he supposed to know that it's a date if you asked him to hang out?? you can hang out with any of your friends, and it won't be a date unless you say so.

anyway. after this, if it doesn't work out, i will no longer be seeking male validation. this sucks and feels demeaning.

will be living my best single life with no co-dependency on anyone.

[hyenaswine]

OKAY since for some reason people randomly got invested in this post, i will finish the whole story here.

so the background is that last week, for the very first time in my life, i tested positive for covid. i managed to power thru the actual symptomatic part in about 4 days, but i am still testing positive, so i'm still isolating until that's over with. i'm just like really bored being stuck in my home & it's starting to make me angry & unpleasant. RIGHT before i learned i had covid, i read a story about this fin whale (Balaenoptera physalus, second largest whale species on earth nbd) that had recently washed up on the oregon coast that scientists had come & poked some holes into so it wouldn't explode from trapped gases; but the plan was to just leave it to decompose naturally on the beach. i figured, as long as i just stayed in my car (or outside in the open) & didn't go inside anywhere or get close to anybody, this could be a safe solo trip for me. also it's been raining all winter but today was finally a nice sunny day, good for a scenic drive.

so blah blah blah i drive a little over 2 hours & get to the beach where this whale's supposed to be, which was lovely but noticeably whale-free. i sit down on a log & do some googling-

turns out this whale has done the one thing i would not expect a dead animal to do, which is move. notoriously, dead things don't do that. but this dead whale is now 3 miles north of where i am. now this is a beach you can drive on, for some reason? but i drive a 2009 honda fit, it does not have 4-wheel drive, so driving on the beach isn't really an option for me.

as i'm walking away from the beach back to my vehicle to try to plot another course, this guy with his kiddo in the car pulls over, rolls down his window, & goes, "you know what i'm here for." i guess i look like a freak who's out here hunting for dead cetaceans. i relay what i've read about the carcass being 3 miles north of this spot, but HE says he talked to someone further south in seaside who says it's THAT way (& i mean yeah, if seaside is using this as an opportunity to attract tourists, they WOULD want you to stay in seaside), so idk. my plan is to just find beach access closest to 3 miles north of here, which turns out to be delaura beach.

well delaura turns out to be another parking area where you either drive a short ways onto the beach, or take one of the hiking trails parallel to the beach. again, i don't want to drive onto the beach, but surely i can just walk alongside the road-

well, it turns out no, i really can't, because of these huge puddles. i did not come equipped for hiking or mud or getting sloppy. i return back to the signs.

it looks like i'm right next to a trail that shortly connects to a smaller trail that will take me beachwards (delaura dune trail was listed at 1.9 miles). now i would say i've never truly been hiking in pretty much my whole life. i'm a city person & an indoor kid. but i've got my tennis shoes on, & these trails look pretty flat & well-marked, so i figure i'll at least TRY to get to that smaller trail that goes near the beach. there IS another sign that catches my eye first.

i start down this trail & i am immediately regretful. i'm totally alone, i have no reception, nobody knows where i am, i have sneakers & a light jacket & some water but am largely unprepared for hiking, i don't know what wildlife is in the area except for at least one Aggressive Coyote, & most importantly, i am a person who obsessively reads books & listens to podcasts SPECIFICALLY about hikers who get lost & die horribly. you would THINK that this would make me MORE equipped than the average person to encounter a deadly animal or hiking emergency, but i have learned NOTHING from this content other than that it's a good excuse to continue to stay inside. as i walked thru these lonely woods (which were really beautiful btw), in my head i was narrating the episode of Tooth & Claw (animal attack podcast) where they would recount my grisly death in the jaws of an Aggressive Coyote because i'd wandered into the forest looking for a whale, even though that is distinctly outside of normal whale habitat.

but gosh it sure was pretty! i think i walked at least two-thirds of a mile into this lush woodland before i felt like i'd gone far enough that the smaller trail should've popped up, & i got too spooked & turned around. also some ravens started making fun of me & i didn't appreciate that.

so sunset beach was 3 miles south of my whale, & delaura beach was about a mile north, but i couldn't even get to delaura beach. the only beaches in between were on the military reserve so i couldn't access them. the sun was going down & i needed to start home. i decided to go back to sunset beach to see if i could get to a high point where maybe i could spot the whale from a distance.

sure, what's another third of a mile when you've just walked a mile & a third? also you're fat & you don't walk ever & you have covid? holy shit i've already put 10 photos in this longass post, let me make another one

im gonna go on that dead whale road trip tomorrow & no one can stop me

[mbrainspaz]

debating (alone), over a glass of cheap wine, the pros and cons of calling out people at work for misgendering me. Some of them don't know because I make posts but I don't gab about it. Nobody wants to talk about gender in rural south texas. I can barely get them to talk about fiction if I'm reeeaaally lucky. Mostly it's the weather, horses, and food. Horse food. On a good day nobody makes a painfully lame transphobic joke.

The office execs? I could not give less of a f**k if they knew my pronouns. I put 'non-binary' on all my office accounts and paperwork in the interest of being honest and clearly zero people check that stuff. The new manager texted me like 'giiirl' yesterday and it sounds just as fake as everything else she says, so why ask her to stop? If she only referred to me as 'filthy peasant' I could at least respect the honesty.

My coworkers, I don't care very much if they know, because I'm there to do a job no matter what people think about 'who I am as a person.' Gender doesn't make much difference in practice. That's why I like this job in the first place. Besides, one of them is a queer-yet-weirdly-homophobic teenager and the other is a painfully white conspiracy theorist so we keep things professional for what's left of everyone's sanity. There's also an old guy who only pops up to angrily tell me I'm doing things wrong and mock me like a high school teacher would. I don't care what his deal is. There was one incident where the site manager 'she'd' me really hard in front of a new client I wanted to impress and my eye got a bit twitchy, but mostly it just doesn't come up.

The clients... it's kind of the same deal, except some of them hang out and chat, and have friended me on fb, talk to me outside work, and bring me food. Part of me just wants to understand why they keep misgendering me. I've gotta wonder if it's the conservative brain rot even though some of them are chill enough to at least pass for liberal. The trouble is that I balk at the thought of calling them out on it. Not out of self-preservation 'cause god knows I've got none of that. I try to tell myself 'she' is one of my pronouns. Technically. Sometimes. Maybe not when I fully look and act like a dude though. Definitely not all the time.

No matter who it is, what always stops me from saying anything is the existential question of: if I have to beg for respect, does it still mean anything?

If they won't step up on their own—take a single ounce of initiative after seeing the posts or the paperwork where I clearly asked for they/them pronouns and all the resource/info posts after—clearly they don't care. I sure as hell know I can't make people care. I couldn't make my own parents love me, and I did beg.

So even after coming out here I still the f**k am, stuck withholding the rest of me. I smile and make conversation and enjoy their company for what it's worth. Because I can't make a single person on this earth give me anything, least of all respect. Doesn't change who I am, and I know that. I hope someone else cares enough to notice eventually.

That's the catch-22 I'm trapped in: Anybody I called out wouldn't be worth it.

[kozukitty]

Forget Me Not

nishinoya yū x fem! reader.

warnings: major character death, mentions/implications of suicide. angst.

count the stars and i’m sure you’ll find me.

yuu nishinoya

january 9th, xxxx

there's a girl on the school rooftop.

her name is (y/n) (l/n)— a girl i've known since middle school. we never talked even though we were in the same class. i've never seen her speak to anyone, we all almost thought she was mute.

i almost didn't recognize her, she looked so much more different than how she did before. her hair was short back then, but now it cascaded down her shoulders like waterfalls— i was almost entranced from just looking at her. she said nothing to me, all she did was stare at me with her (e/c)-eyes that seemed so bright, yet so distant.

i apologized for intruding, and told her i had only came up to retrieve my volleyball. she gave me a perplexed look and said, "who the hell spikes a volleyball all the way up here?"

i knew she wasn't joking, but it still made me laugh. her question had almost caught me off guard, i wasn't expecting her to say anything to me. i didn't even think she would look my way.

she went silent again as i rambled about my teammates and how incidents like this weren't really uncommon. i felt my words get caught in my throat when she handed me my volleyball with delicate fingers that almost seemed like they could crumble like sand.

she didn't speak not another word and turned on her heels, my presence no longer imposing as a burden to her. i also turned to leave, but stopped the moment i felt the winter wind whisper into my ears. i glance back at her with a small smile before saying,

"you should come visit my practice sometime."

yuu nishinoya

february 7th, xxxx

there's a girl in my gym.

i was more surprised than anybody when i saw her walk in. she nearly froze on the spot when she saw all eyes on her, her face erupting into a cherry red blush as she played with her fingers nervously.

"i-i'm here for nishinoya-kun..." she stuttered, her eyes averting from every single person she laid eyes on in the gym. "i'm sorry for the intrusion."

everyone gave me the same confused look, their eyes boring into mine as they wordlessly asked for an explanation. "she's just a friend," i explained. "i invited her here."

tanaka yelled at me, obviously excited that i managed to convince a girl to show up. i could do nothing but give him a sheepish smile as i ran up to the girl who stood by the gym doors awkwardly.

"what are you doing here?"

"you said i could come," she responded shyly. "i-i just wanted to talk to you again..."

and there i stood talking to the girl who i just happened to run into that day in january. i never thought we would ever speak again, i never would've guessed that we would even run into each other at all. yet here she was, cheeks blooming in a rosy red with her silky hair tucked behind her ear neatly.

"d-do you have a valentine?" she asked, her words barely above a whisper. i felt a small blush creep onto my cheeks, giving her a small shake of my head, i responded with,

"no, i don't. do you?"

yuu nishinoya

february 14, xxxx

there's a girl in front of my locker.

she stood there with a deep blush on her face, her dainty hands clutching a box of chocolates. her feet shuffled on the ground nervously, and when her eyes met mine my heart began to race.

"t-these are for you, noya-san," she said, her hands holding out the small box that she was just about to crush mere seconds ago. i took the chocolate into my hands, giving her the biggest smile i could muster.

it was a little awkward, honestly. neither one of us knew what to say. i couldn't keep thanking her for the chocolate, so i tried my best to talk about something that would at least be of interest to her.

she was really just a cute flustered mess the entire time, and we laughed and everything felt surreal. i thought she was perfect for me, i thought she would be the one. why did good things always get taken away?

but at that time, i didn't know that. so i asked her,

"(y/n), do you want to go out sometime?"

yuu nishinoya

march 14, xxxx

there's a girl that i like.

she's the same girl who i saw on the roof that day. she's the same girl who came to my gym. she's the same girl who bought me chocolates on valentine's day.

(y/n) (l/n) was the girl that i liked.

she was beautiful, the most drop dead gorgeous girl that i had ever laid eyes on. seeing her made my knees weak, and it made my heart race faster than it ever would— even during a game.

today was white day. she was standing there outside my gym, waiting for me to walk out. i had invited her originally because i wanted to see her, but i had nearly forgotten that i had bought her something.

i almost thought i would chicken out when i handed her the chocolates in one hand and the tickets to the movies in the other, but i think she nearly fainted just from looking at the gifts alone.

"what's this for?" she asked, her voice still as quiet as it always is. i've gotten so used to it that i could still hear her even if she talked so low that wind could only hear.

"i-it's for you," i barely managed to stutter out. when she took the items from my hands, i felt my ears grow hot even though our hands barely touched. "and i-i have something else to s-say!"

she tilted her head at me. "what is it?" i shook off my nervousness, inhaling deeply before shouting, "i like you a lot! will you be my girlfriend?"

her face went beet red, and before i could catch her,

she fainted.

yuu nishinoya

march 20th, xxxx

there's a girl sitting next to me.

she's not paying attention to me though, she's too busy watching the ducks play in the pond. she catches me staring at her, but i look away before she can say anything to me about it.

after i asked (y/n) out on white day, she fainted. but the next day, she walked up to me and told me this, "take me to the pond on march 20th and i'll give you an answer."

i didn't understand why she gave me a specific day, but i could only guess that it meant something to her. when i looked at her to ask her about it, she spoke over me.

"i'll be your girlfriend." she said with a dark crimson blush. "b-but... p-please don't break my heart. i don't think i could handle that.."

"i would never do that," was what i said. and i meant it.

only one of us had a broken heart in the end. and it wasn't her.

it was me.

but i didn't know that would happen.

at the time, everything seemed perfect but in reality,

it was then that things started to go south.

yuu nishinoya

may 19th, xxxx

there's a girl that i treasure.

i don't treasure her like an object, i treasure her because she has a special place in my heart. i wish she understood that, but she doesn't.

there's something strange about (y/n). something she isn't telling me. i don't want to pester her about it, but i can't help but worry. it always seems like she is never really here— like she's always somewhere else. she had always been that way, even in middle school. i never knew why, not even now.

"noya, you really are amazing," she told me. "i admire you a lot. not just because you're my boyfriend, but just because you're someone who's easy to look up to. not height wise though."

her smile was light, it was seamless, it was beautiful. but for some reason, i couldn't detect an ounce of happiness. i never understood how someone so gorgeous could look so sad.

"(y/n)... is there something you aren't telling me?" i ask, my voice laced with concern. she only smiled at me. she said nothing. she only smiled.

the same smile that was filled with pain.

yuu nishinoya

june 4th, xxxx

there's a girl that i'm always around.

she's rather gloomy, but i've actually grown very attached to her. i don't mind her gloominess, i actually think it's really cute. sometimes, she makes me laugh with the absurd things that she says.

the way i feel around (y/n) is hard to explain, even i don't understand how i feel. i love being around her, and when she's not around i always miss her, even if she's gone for five seconds. i think it's weird, but i feel like she's a part of me now. i can't imagine a day in my life without her.

i wish i could tell her everything i felt about her. i wish she would tell me how she felt from time to time. i know she's keeping a lot of things from me, but i feel like its for a good reason. i tell (y/n) everything, and she normally does the same.

so why does this bother me so much?

i understand. i respect her privacy. but does she not trust me? does she not think that i'll see her the same?

i'll fix it. i'll get her to see me as someone she can trust. i'll get her to see me as someone she can trust with everything she has without judgement.

i want her to trust me with her heart.

yuu nishinoya

july 27th, xxxx

there's a girl that i love.

we were walking home from the fireworks festival. there was an odd vibe surrounding (y/n), like something was bothering her. i didn't ask her about it, because well, i didn't want to pester her or pressure her into thinking she had to tell me anything.

but i had something to tell her, something i had been meaning to tell her for a while now but never had the chance. something that i wanted her to trust me with, something that i wanted her to trust in so blindly that she would always believe in me.

and so, standing in front of her door to her home, i turned to her with flushed cheeks, taking a deep breath before shouting,

"i love you, (y/n)! i'm in love with you. no words could describe the way i feel about you. i love you so much, that even the words alone don't feel like i'm expressing it enough!

i love everything about you! i love the way you dress, i love the way you style your hair everyday, i love how smart you are, i love how funny you can be without trying, i love how you can make me feel like the most luckiest guy in the world! i love you! and i'd shout it to the whole world if you wanted me to! i'd tell the whole school! i love you, (y/n), and i will for eternity!"

even with the flustered look on her face, she gave me a laugh. it was small, it was nearly lifeless, yet it was for me. and i loved it. she holds my hand in hers delicately, her thumbs caressing the back of mines with the most gentle touch.

"yuu, i think you're the best thing that has ever happened to me. i love you more than life itself. you are my entire world, you know? thank you for giving

me this love. thank you for giving me this happiness. i don't want you to ever forget me."

i don't get the chance to respond before she opens the door of her home to step inside. she gives me one last smile before shutting the door, a smile brighter than any star in the night sky, a smile brighter than any diamond i could imagine.

"see you tomorrow."

that tomorrow never came.

all i received the next day was a phone call that i knew would change my life,

"n-nishinoya-san...! (y-y/n)... s-she's..."

my heart raced in my chest, my breathing stopped in that moment,

"s-s-she's dead...!"

there would never be a tomorrow for us.

yuu nishinoya

september 2nd, xxxx

there's was a girl who loved me.

a girl who helped me. she helped me with so many things she didn't know about. she helped me live. she helped me grow. she helped me see. she helped me love.

she was everything i wanted, and more. i loved her with every ounce of my being. i loved her more than i loved anything in this world, i loved her more than my biggest passion.

why didn't i see? why couldn't i see how bad she was hurting? she tried telling me in her own way, i know she did. so why couldn't i figure it out? why am i so stupid? why didn't i do more? why couldn't i do enough?

why do i have to stare at the flowers that rest on your desk in our classroom? why do i have to get looks of pity from everybody? why does everyone whisper and offer condolences as if they knew you?

why didn't you tell me? why won't you answer?

why did you leave me?

—✰—

yuu nishinoya

october 21st, xxxx

there's was a girl who i wanted to spend my life with.

everyday without her feels like a lost cause. i have no motivation. she was the reason why i wanted to keep going, she gave me hope, she gave me encouragement. she told me i gave her happiness, when in reality she was mine.

how does someone cope with this pain? it's been over a month. nothing stops hurting. it just gets worse and worse. i fall in love with her memory more and more everyday. why did it have to be her? why did it have to be me? why did it have to be us?

i wish i could've given her everything she deserved. i wish i could've helped her value her life as much as i did. i wish i could hold her right now. i want to tell her how much i love her again.

i would give anything to have her back. i miss her so much, it hurts. everything hurts so bad. why won't the pain stop? why does it never end? i want to start over. i want to redo everything. i want to press rewind.

i want to live with you again.

a life without you is so hard to live in.

i love you.

—✰—

"good evening, nishinoya-san,” the woman greeted with a soft smile on her face. "its been a while, hasn't it? how have you been faring?"

"alright, i guess."

"i've read your journal entries," the woman pulled out the battered notebook from her bag. "it really helped me better understand what you're going through, nishinoya-san. thank you for trusting me with it."

nishinoya shrugs, his expression blank and eyes void of emotion as he took the notebook from the womans hands. “i mean, you asked for it so..”

the woman nods, crossing her legs with a never-ending smile. “i’m glad you wrote about how you’ve been feeling. it’s healthy to express your emotions in some way— anything is better than keeping them bottled up,” she states, her fingers adjusting her sleeves absent-mindedly, “do you think writing has been helping you cope, nishinoya-san?”

“you could just call me noya.. and i guess so? i think i finally have the motivation to do the things i like now. at first it was hard to get back into the rhythm of things but things are sorta better now…” nishinoya explains, eyes moving to focus on the journal that he clutched in his hands tightly.

“i’m glad you’re easing back into your life, noya-san. take your time, okay? healing takes time, and you have all the time in the world. heal at your own pace, don’t worry about who won’t stick around, just think of who'll be around after the storm. you understand?”

“um, yeah.” nishinoya swallows harshly, a bitter taste suddenly being left in his mouth. who’ll be around after the storm, eh? does it even really matter?

without you, my storm is everlasting.

“i know it doesn’t make sense right now. if i’m being honest with you, you’ll probably never get over miss (l/n)... but the whole point of healing is acceptance, and not allowing grief to take over your life,” the woman places her hand over his reassuringly. “it won’t be easy, it never is. but you’re strong, noya-san. do you know how i know?”

“...how?”

“because, you relived those painful memories of yours and put them in this journal,” she tapped the book in his lap. “you tried to cope with your pain on your own, before you even met me. you felt helpless, and yet you still desperately tried your best to crawl out. do you know what most people do? wallow in their own pain. you should be proud of yourself, you should be motivated. do you know why? because you will heal.”

nishinoya stared at the woman in shock, unable to hold back the tears that gathered in his eyes. “h-how could you say that...?” he asked, endless warm tears slipping from his eyes. “h-how c-could you say that i’m strong? i-i’ve d-done nothing b-but cry and beg to g-god that she would come b-back... i-i’ve done nothing b-but b-beg for my p-pain to be taken away.”

he sobbed. he cried so hard that it hurt. he sobbed so loud that his throat hurt and his lungs helplessly begged for air. “i-it... i-it hurts...! i want her back... i-i want her back so bad…” he wailed desperately. “i-i miss her! i w-want her back... i-i w-want to start over...! e-even just f-for a second, even i-if it’s just a-an illusion... i want to see her again...!”

the woman nods, her arms surrounding him in a comforting embrace, “i know you do. noya-san. i really get it, i promise. you’re doing great, and you know what? i want you to write in your journal again. but for now, i want you to let it all out, right here.”

and so, that evening on january ninth,

nishinoya cried until his eyes could no longer produce tears,

and he shouted until his throat hurt.

—✰—

yuu nishinoya

january 12th, xxxx

there was a girl that i dreamed of.

the roof is empty without her today. it's empty every day without her. everything feels empty sometimes, even my heart.

i tried to heal, i even asked for help, yet i still can't get over you. it's like you took a part of me with you when you left. i love you so, so much, that when i write about you, i have to suppress myself so the words don't spill out like waterfalls,

i have to suppress myself from succumbing to the darkness in my heart. without you, there's no light. even the sunniest days still feel dark. i miss you. i want to hold you again. this time, i won't let you go.

this time, i'll give you everything you deserved. even if you want the world, i would try my best to give it to you.

the rooftop is quiet without her today. it was quiet even when she was here but, now the wind doesn't whisper to me anymore.

when i turned to leave, i stopped. why couldn't i move? why was my heart racing? why was my holding my breath?

when i turned, i dropped to my knees in sorrow. but i also felt relieved.

with a smile of a million angels, there she stood.

she was right in front of me.

[deadmomjokes]

ooh I'm so curious about your boon now. how myc of it are you willing to disclose? what's the setting? how does magic work?

I’m so flattered anybody’s interested in it at all! ^.^

I confess, I’m super, irrationally paranoid about idea theft, so I don’t share a ton of details outside of my writing group and alpha/beta readers, but I’m trying to get past that, so I’ll share a little bit and see if I can talk my anxiety down to sharing more later. Basically I say this to apologize for the fact that I’m being a bit vague here. It’s not because I’m offended you asked or anything, I’ve just got some issues of my own.

So the basic premise in a really shortened, simplified, and condensed version is as follows:

About 15 years before the story begins, there was a war with an evil sorceress. She basically converted all the other magicians to her side and they were just absolutely annihilating everyone. Three countries formed an alliance and ended up taking her out. Huzzah, day saved! The story picks up right before a big festival in honor of the 15th anniversary of the alliance’s formation. The alliance, while originally a military compact, has kind of spread into a trade compact as well.

The main character is the right hand to the King who initiated the alliance in the first place. His name is Ayris. He has no last name (other than his title, “Kingsman”) because he more or less washed up on shore and the King found him. He was kidnapped as a child from his home country by some of the sorceress’s goons and had his memory wiped and they intended to bring him to the Sorceress as a kind of sacrifice. Because he’s super magic. Only after they left is when the alliance was formed and so they had no idea that the war had ended and their boss was dead. They get home and go “oh crap,” and the King rescues this little boy and goes “oh crap” because this kid is magic, and people are kind of super duper against magic right now on account of the fact that magic folks just tried to wipe them all out. But he’s a big softie and doesn’t want anything to happen to this kid so he takes him in to keep him safe. Over the years, he realizes Ayris has a talent for fighting and is super smart and super observant, so he promotes him from ward to his bodyguard, and then to a kind of all-around advisor.

And that’s where Ayris starts his journey: Content with being his King/adoptive father’s right hand man, and hiding his magical abilities because if anyone knew he’d more or less get burned at the stake.

The complications?

First, one of the nations in the alliance is super xenophobic, and they don’t like that Ayris is a “foreigner.” Even though the poor kid has no memories other than the country in which he now lives. But he ~looks different~ too- he has dark skin, white hair, and blue eyes, in a country full of tan-ish average white folks- so there’s no hiding the fact that he’s not originally from here. So he’s got to deal with all that while still acting as the King’s right hand, which means he cannot avoid the xenophobes’ leader because he’s gonna be right there with the guy the whole time.

And, of course, we have the Big Problem: The Sorceress managed to survive, as most evil magicians will, of course, and she’s back because she has a score to settle. Specifically with Ayris’s King, who dealt the ‘killing’ blow. Which, another major subplot: Ayris does not know that. He has a Batman code about killing. He refuses to take a life, and as far as he knows, the King shares that determination, because he’s very vocal about talking things out instead of resorting to violence. All that is a very formative concept for Ayris. So when he finds out that his King saw no other way to deal with things and resorted to straight up killing, he has... a LOT to process. Because....

The issue is that the Sorceress needs batteries, essentially. She’s almost out of power just from sustaining her spirit for a decade and a half. So she subsumes all the kids who had been born magic and didn’t know it since her downfall, only surprise! When she reaches out to snatch them, she finds a grown man! Ayris is all like, “Excuse? Who are you and what do you want with all these small children?” and she’s like, “Excuse? I ate all the magicians last time.” and he’s like “I beg your pardon?” Because it turns out that after she turned the magicians to her side, she decided that was too much a liability and so she snatched all their powers, killing them. Why did she decide they were a liability? Another subplot! A few of them resisted her and tried to break free of her control, but it went horribly wrong and only one of them survived, but was totally severed from her magic powers. We actually meet that character- she’s a major foil (and hardcore frenemy) for Ayris.

BUT ANYWAY

The Sorceress and Ayris are now more or less linked because of the way magic works in this world, and she’s bent on turning him or controlling him because he’s pretty dang powerful. (Which is why her goon squad kidnapped him in the first place.) She has all kinds of tricks and is basically pushing buttons from the inside to break him down, so he’s dealing with an evil lady in his head who’s attached to his powers. So of course the easiest way to isolate and mess with him would be to mess with his magic and make it hard to control. So he’s trying to keep the King safe from her hit squad, make nice with the xenophobes, and hide his powers despite this chick messing with him and trying to out him. They also have to find a way to get rid of her before she builds her army up again and goes for Round 2, and find a way to get her out of his head before she manages to take him over like she did to all the other magic folks last time.

As for how magic works, it’s described in text as a second world laying over the top of this one. Most people exist in only one world, the one you where your body is, and that’s where their soul lives, too. But some people are born with part of their soul in the other world, called the Tapestry. These people have the ability to manipulate things in the physical world because of this connection to the Tapestry. They also have an inherent connection to everyone else who is a part of the Tapestry, hence how the Sorceress can consume peoples’ power and influence them so easily. Of course, doing anything to influence or harm others in the Tapestry was always taboo, she’s just the first that managed it on a large scale and escaped the punishment.

Powers could be more or less unlimited in type and scope, but because you still exist in the physical world as well, you’re bound by your body. What happens to you in the physical happens to you in the Tapestry, and vice versa. So if you kill someone’s Tapestry self, their body dies. If you hurt someone’s physical body, their Tapestry self is also hurt. (The sorceress managed to discover a way to separate her physical and Tapestry selves, and that’s how she escaped death.) But the point is, doing magic takes energy from your body, so the more and bigger you do, the harder it is, and you could, in theory, kill yourself if you tried something big enough.

Most magicians have a specific kind of magic that comes most naturally for them, so they would often specialize. Anyone can do any kind of magic, but individuals would often train in what “called to them” most. So one guy might specialize in telekinesis, another might specialize in all things water, one might specialize in healing humans, etc. The only kind of magic that was forbidden was altering or influencing peoples’ minds or will, and that’s what made the sorceress evil- she felt drawn to/called by Feelings, other peoples’ emotions. She was a natural empath, and wanted to turn that into manipulating how people felt and thought in order to settle conflict, but that was forbidden. She didn’t want to be controlled, so she ran away from the others, started exploring and experimenting on her own, and started messing with things that she shouldn’t have and ended up kind of warping her own sense of justice and morality by toying with things she couldn’t control or understand. So now she’s bent on domination and subjugation of people who won’t willingly listen to her, all in the name of trying to bring peace and balance and justice (which was the code of the magical order she belonged to).

I know that’s long to be a summary, but this is a very, VERY long and complex story. To the point that this is going to be two books minimum. I’m about 15 chapters into the first one and working on the first round of structural edits so I can get on to writing the back half of it (more like the back 3/4, like I said, this is going to be a LONG story).

Oh, you also asked about setting! I confess to yet another late-Middle Ages European base, but culturally I tried to diversify more. The country of Xenophobes is a polytheistic theocracy with notions of manifest destiny that they’re just barely holding back on because they’re friends with the neighbors now. The country the story takes place in is culturally not super religious, and highly tolerant for the most part, which is why it’s so sad that everyone turned against the idea of magic. The third country straddles the line between the hyperconservative and frankly quite annoying theocracy and the (moderately agnostic) more liberal, understanding nation to their south. They also have a pantheon, but they allow religious freedom (also, fun tidbit, their King is gay and has a husband and an adopted son); however, they don’t allow women in combat (whereas the country Ayris is a part of does), and the people are generally more skeptical of foreigners than Ayris’s country is (except their king; he LOVES Ayris and is more or less the fun uncle).

So yeah! Book One is Ayris discovering a lot about himself, magic, and the past, and dealing with the fallout from that, and trying to find a way to protect himself and his King. And Book Two is the bigger, multinational conflict and inevitable war, and Ayris dealing with the sorceress attacking him personally and trying to find a way to stop her while the world starts falling apart around him. I don’t want to say too much more because some Stuff Goes Down in the first book that’s influential to the second one, but also kind of a surprise at this point.

Thanks for listening and letting me gush. I’ve been working on this story-- the concept, worldbuilding, and then the actual writing of it-- for a cumulative 8 years now. It’s my baby almost as much as my actual baby, and I’m very protective of it and also terrified of letting anyone see it. The mortifying ordeal of being known and all that. (Luckily my writing group is super helpful, patient, and kind!)

[jdmainman123]

Found it we need to get to the city with sunlight weather a Greyhound bus route just in case plan B I got enough money to buy another Greyhound ticket and stationed myself into a city and live off my EBT card again

Hey does anybody know how to get to Italy alcohol is allotted to Italy the beginning of my career when I cross that bridge in New York remember when mirrors walk around there slap them in the face with Waters a cup I wasn't sweating but in 3 days to throw me throw me out

I guess the Mexicans had a talk with the Italians without the Chinese knowing

So how can we can't get into Mexico that's my only problem I want to go see the jefe Juan Pablo himself not know some b******* Noriega f****** Costa Rican Island four buildings all three foot buildings no no trees the thing about Costa Rica where do we see on Costa Rica three after three here no f****** trees

There's no Forest downtown for Jason sunrise

So we need a Greyhound bus just in case plan B I remember in Chicago when I threatened to leave that's when you guys declared sticker then bring them here

To put me next to the bathroom at the airport one train allows me to stay inside the whole time and hear her voice the white hair girls

The problem is I can hear her voice better than you boys because I was an innocent boy and I also with myself would have said nasty things a satellite maker that I wouldn't say to you boys outside

If I can do it oh what is lose you to love me

I want to get into Mexico I want a dispensary and I want to bus route when I went to California one time when you guys bring me to Italy first time see you cigarette AND THEN YOU BRING ME INTO CALIFORNIA WITH THAT BIG ASS TRAIN WENT UP TO SAN FRANCISCO WITH THAT HUGE ASS BRIDGE FROM LA $20 TRAIN RIDE A DOUBLE DOUBLE CEDAR DOUBLE ROOF DOUBLE STORIES AMTRAK TRAIN HUGE IS A STEEL TRAIN BEAMING DOWN TONIGHT AND THEN YOU TAKE ME TO THIS MONKEY CAMP AND PRETEND SOMEONE GIVES A S*** ABOUT YOUR SATELLITE BROKEN AND ME BLEED OUTSIDE AND TAKING AWAY MEN'S DRINKS

So we wanted dispensary we can't go up the snow brother whoop her ass and I don't think this old man deserves that I've been to snow it's horrible because all they do is you don't flex all they do is oh he didn't stretch in the old man even you do it old man white hair old veteran white hair white skin man with that little precious Lord and savior of my life for killing all these black brown eyes and 3/4

A dispensary in a greyhound just in case she goes south I want options here

I don't know it's just very hard for me to play with you men knowing what I know about your beach and your desert cedar the only two cities out of 98 cities and you got me kidnapped here and you're talking like you're not just a man like I'm not going to punch you in the face and I won't punch this she still works Hunter I've ever seen and it's not because of the man I respect you man for for you never leaving you guys

Never leave on a plane done forever oh and I'm infinite I heard the forever calling this girl called forever I can't have her knowing my name

And you guys not let me use my name Michael and Angel and Todd

You know the thing cuts a hole in my in my brain and at the same thing but 51% of the world says you didn't need me cutting all my brain force in the name Jason on me here for money and when it's about money and you guys want to have handouts I'm getting real tired of you men following this n***** around

You know he's his dad's been here for 5800 years for 1400 years I mean $300,000 years after the danger Beach and he goes one f****** thing I would end it for me

Kind of suspicious man what is 100,000 white skin men going to follow a black skin man they know another guy I know a guy on the beach

That's how many white skin boys I've seen move to a black skin man named God cuz his daughter work

And this is just an open window it's just a house open window it's literally a portable bathroom and because of the white hair girls we have the window open

But this little black girl was horrible

It's why you wouldn't let me see her the black hair white skin girl because of a brown eyes and it's white white and you didn't let me see the white hair white skin girls because he knew him hiding her from the boys was better

Literally a better idea it backfired on you to hide his black and white skin girl with brown eyes and meanwhile this guy says what you're going to hide your daughter I'm going to hide my white hair white skin daughter from these boys and 100,000 show up at my airport I just killed my black sister give me one of those white hair white skin girls

And that's integration 100,000 black hair white skins in concrete broken for 1,000 white hair white skin men to live comfortably in snow

One black mass standing around a little white hair white skin girl singing outside of her guitar who is Lindsay Lohan

[lunaraen]

"I'm not jealous" and "You are the single best thing that has ever happened to me" with Petra x f!Jesse. Please, if it's not too much trouble, because your writing is enchanting.

The tavern’s usually a good placeto spend an evening, especially a warm one like tonight.

It’s a nice sized tavern. It’snot one of the larger ones, instead little more than the size of a house, withthe second floor reserved entirely for lodging. The shelves behind the bar areall visibly crammed and packed, mostly filled booths lining both sides of thetavern’s first floor, save for a little gap for the door, the dark oakscratched in some places and the name on both sides faded.

Still, the service is good, andit’s close enough to the temple while still not near most of the tourist shopsand attractions that it’s a lot more appealing than the fancy and fan-filledrestaurants or the seedy bars that have popped up.

It reminds Petra of some of thenicer areas she could meet a client, and by this point, they’ve visitedfrequently enough that Helga, the barmaid, only looks up and smiles when theycome in.

(More laid back location or not,they are kind of famous now, but thefirst time they ate here the manager didn’t faint and only one person buggedJesse for an autograph, and Petra doesn’t think she’d seen Jesse that relaxedwhen eating out in a long time. They’ve been coming here almost every weeksince.)

Of course, good place or not, thesame can’t always be said for the people who come in. There aren’t many tables,only a few sparsely scattered about the middle of the tavern, but it doesn’tsurprise her that the people who choose to sit at them are the people who havethe most reason not to.

Like the drunk who might or mightnot have a dagger under his thick coat, his beard trimmed but his accent thick.Petra places it as somewhere far south, closer to the clusters of villages thanthe big cities. Maybe not a threat, definitely a nuisance, and still flirtingwith Jesse as he struggles to stay on his chair. They should’ve left as soon asthey finished eating, but they didn’t and Petra regrets that more and more,though not as much as she regrets leaving their armor at the temple. She keepsher gaze on him as Jesse manages to pull away from the table, not looking backat her as she slides back into the seat opposite of Petra.

“Trying to glare him todeath? Looks like somebody’s jealous.” Jesse’s tone is light, but itdoesn’t help. Petra turns her head to look at Jesse, frowning before staringdown at her mug. Her hands are still moving, just like they have been since thetraveler came in, but the carving isn’t helping as much as it usually does.

“I’m not jealous.” Sheshrugs, and she doesn’t have to look up to know that Jesse’s rolling her eyes.“You can talk to whoever you want.”

“Then why are you carving adagger?”

“I’m not carving a–”Petra’s voice trails off as she glances down at her hands, only to furrow herbrow at the half finished figure in her hands, the sharp pointy end accompaniedby a barely defined handle. She blinks down at it before looking back up, notsure if the guy had been fidgeting that much when she was glaring at him or ifhe’s just started. “…huh.”

“You couldn’t freak him outmore if you charged him.” Jesse’s mouth smile gets a bit warmer, and evenif it’s brief, she sounds more amused than disappointed.

Mad, Petra can handle.Disappointed? Disappointment’s as good as a death sentence.

“Good. Maybe next time, hewon’t act like you’re here for him to look at. You’re the only reason he’s evenstill alive.” Petra glances at him again, keeping her voice low. He seemsentirely unaware, busy trying to figure out which way he should set the glassdown.

She really does feel bad forHelga.

“Petra. He just wanted somedirections. Okay, so maybe he’s a little drunk, and maybe that was a really badpickup line, but– that doesn’t matter.” Jesse leans a little more overthe table, head in her hand as her elbow rests on the table, and Petrastraightens up and pushes herself back into the booth, eyes tracing the groovesin the table as she does. “You’ve been testy today.”

“That’s just me.” Petrawould like to think that the conversations around them have lulled naturally, butshe knows better.

“Petra.”

“Jesse.” Petra looksback down at her hands, sighing before she pockets both the knife and the chunkof wood. “…I’m sorry. I guess I’ve been a… little cranky lately.”

“‘A little?’” Jesseraises an eyebrow. “That’s like saying you’re a little stubborn.”

“I am not–” Petrashakes her head as she cuts herself off. “Look, that’s not the point. I’vebeen a real grump and that’s not fair to you.”

“Hey, you’re only human;everybody has off days.” Jesse’s voice is gentler as she lifts her headand reaches across the table to hold Petra’s now empty hand, Petra’s fingerscurling around hers. “But if there’s a reason, you can tell me.”

The breeze outside dies down longenough for them to hear the fiddle being played across the street, and Petralightly taps her finger against the top of the table.

“…I…” She knows howit’ll sound. She feels stupid. So she goes ahead and is stupid. “I’mwaiting for the other shoe to drop.”

Sure enough, Jesse straightens up,brows drawing together as she glances around the tavern, grip on Petra’s handtightening lightly.

“What other shoe? Didsomething happen?” Petra doesn’t blame her. It wouldn’t be the first timeone of them had gotten into a little trouble and not told the others untilthings had almost gotten too far. She’s better about her deals than she used tobe, though. Any trouble they bring her isn’t going to mess with the others.

“Not really– not yet,anyway.” This isn’t deal based. This is so much bigger and so much moreconstant, and she’s not sure if she’s going to annoy or worry Jesse more.“I just… doesn’t this all feel too good to be true?”

“What do you mean?”Jesse’s shoulders relax a bit, but her gaze is still just as fixed on Petra andher free hand’s gone still.

Worry it is, then. Great.

“First we survive killingthe Witherstorms, become the new Orderof the Stone, then survive Aiden trashing Sky City, manage to survive everyother world we hop into, and then wemanage to overthrow the Old Builders and free hundreds of people and juststroll back home.” Petra’s voice doesn’t get above a whisper, fingertapping faster as her stomach begins to ache. She knows it’s not because of thedinner they just had. “And now everything’s perfect. Nobody’s made anyworld-eating monsters, we haven’t been sucked up into any crazy worlds,everybody knows us… isn’t it a little tooperfect?”

Jesse squeezes Petra’s handbefore letting it go, and Petra’s quick to shove it in her pocket.

“Petra, we died. Nothing about it was easy.”The words are slow and quiet, could be confused as light, but Jesse’s face isanything but, grim and steady as she looks back at Petra, looking stiff even asshe gives a weak grin. “Maybe we’ve just earned a break, after everything.There’s no reason to waste it worrying about when something’s going to popup.”

“It’s just suspicious, okay?I don’t like it.”

Jesse only has so much patience,and it’s a topic Petra had known from the start that she wouldn’t like, so it’sno surprise when her next sigh is more of a huff as her grin disappears.

“What do you like?” Jesse’s tone is sharper, and maybe it wouldn’tsting as much if Jesse didn’t look like she regretted it immediatelyafterwards. She has no reason to regret it; she’s right.

“You.” It’s a stupidanswer, a given answer, but it’s the truth. Petra looks at the door as the bellattached to it jingles, a couple walking in and moving to sit at the bothbehind them. Her face feels warm when she meets Jesse’s gaze again. “It’sgetting a little cramped in here. Can we take this outside?”

“…sure.”

Petra reaches into her pocket as Jesse stands,the several golden coins clanking as she sets them on the plate, the extrasilver settling with a quieter clink before she gets to her feet, walking by Jesse andholding the door open for her.

They get a nod from Helga, wholooks like she’s torn between begging for help and smiling through the pain asshe cleans up the area around the evening’s drunk, and Petra nods back beforeclosing the door behind them.

Petra doesn’t look up at Jesse asthey walk side by side, eyes glued to the cobble path. She mentally counts allthe smooth stones until they reach the edge of the nearby park, shaded from thesetting sun by the thick line of trees, dark green branches swaying in thelight and gentle wind.

“So, what’s up?”Jesse’s half leaning against one of the closest trees, her side resting againstthe bark, and the wind pulls at her hair just slightly. Even without herlooking adorable, Petra wishes the words didn’t sound as tired as they do.

“I’m sorry. I’m not tryingto be a grouch. It’s just that every time it looks like things are looking upfor us, they get worse. You…” Petra’s fingers pull at her sleeve beforeshe rubs the side of her arm. The only thing she likes less than feeling weakis feeling stupid, and Jesse manages to make her feel both in the best andworst ways. She wishes she didn’t sound so defeated as she says it, if she’s goingto say it at all, but the words don’t seem to want to cooperate. “You arethe single best thing that has ever happened to me. I don’t want to loseyou.”

“Petra…” Jesse’sexpression softens and Petra can’t stop her own shoulders from slumpingslightly, her lips twitching upwards as Jesse chuckles. “Don’t worry; I’mnot exactly the type to toss myself at anybody who looks my way. I hope youdon’t worry like this every time some drunk flirts with me.”

Petra rolls her eyes, small smilebecoming a smirk. She can handle joking a lot better than she can handle beingsappy.

“Ha-ha– wait, how manydrunks have flirted with you?” The only answer Petra gets is a laugh.“Jesse?”

“Don’t worry about it.”Jesse crosses her arms over her chest as she grins at Petra. “It’s sillyfor you to worry anyways.”

“I’m not worried about thedrunk.” And then, dammit, she manages to kill the mood as she gets sappyagain. “…I’m worried that something’s going to happen to you, or thatyou’re gonna realize what a mistake being with me is.”

Jesse’s grin crashes more than itfalls, and it’s replaced by the same grim face she saw a few minutes ago.

Petra really needs to stop sayingwhat she’s thinking. Or just stop talking in general.

“It is not a mistake.”

“Right, because this hasbeen a great evening.”

“It has.” Jesse doesn’tpause at the flat look she gets. “Dinner was great, and I can’t think ofanybody else I’d rather spend it with. I mean, yeah, you got a little extragrumpy when I started talking to that guy, but besides that, it’s been reallynice. I didn’t even know you could have salad likethat–”

Jesse stops talking, on accountof it being harder to talk when she’s being kissed.

Petra wonders if all of theirconversations would go so well if she just kissed Jesse like this more often.One of her arms wraps around Jesse’s waist while her other hand starts playingwith her hair, and she’s not surprised when both of Jesse’s arms wrap aroundPetra and pull her closer.

Jesse’s smiling when Petra pullsaway, the two of them pressing their foreheads together, and Petra gets thefeeling that she’s been used.

If being used means kissingJesse, though, she thinks she can stand being used a few more times.

“You’re rambling.”

“Maybe a little.” Jesseglances around them, and as Petra does the same, the fame thing comes back intoplay when she sees several kids trying to look nonchalant deeper in the park.It’s hard to do, given that they’re all either hiding behind trees or standingaround, and one of the younger kids starts focusing on the ball in her hands. It’s whatshe and Jesse get for stopping by the park, but that doesn’t stop Petra’s face from feeling warm again as she winces. “Wanna continue at home?”

Jesse grabs her hand again, andPetra smiles as she moves away from the trees, gently pulling Jesse with her.

“Sure.”