#doctor who twitter is a place on the internet where normal takes are made

[aq2003]

daily affirmations: i will be totally sane and not pretentious about a show i have only watched 4 seasons out of like 39 and known for 2 months. i will not think to myself, "you don't understand it like i do" whenever i see some crazy ass take about ten particularly the "i could do so much more" scene or his regeneration scene. i will not get mad and start typing essays about him in my tumblr drafts only for me to look at them a day later and delete them out of embarrassment. i will be be totally sane and not pretentious

[boldlyvoid]

For Your Eyes Only

summary: A viral tweet after the Zodiac copycat case in San Fransisco leaves Doctor Reid with a proposition. to get to know the girl who publicly announced to the world that she thought he was cute, or miss out on the best love he could ever dream of.

Warnings: Long Distance Relationships, first times, smut, fluffy emotional sex, Virgin!reader, oral (female receiving), fingering, breeding kink

*flashback in italics

word count: 6.1K

He tapped his foot anxiously as he stood in the train station, a bouquet of flowers in hand and an awkward, press-lipped smile plastered to his face.

Passing strangers smiled back, old ladies wished him luck and their husbands give him a knowing nod. Wooing a woman wasn’t something many men did anymore, it was a thing of the past, his heart loved her like he’s known her for centuries, this was only natural for him.

He takes a moment to think about that part of life, the end bit when they’ve done everything they wanted to with the love of their life, who they’re still somehow in love with… the longer he knew Y/N the longer he wanted to grow old with her.

His hands are shaky, he can’t imagine a life like that without Y/N, even if today was just the first time he was going to see her in person.

9 months ago she had a semi-viral tweet, jokingly asking him on a date while he was in San Fransisco, not thinking he’d ever see it.

Penelope finding that tweet was the best thing that has ever happened to him.

He ended up texting her a lot.

They’ve talked about everything. Through text, it was just simple and basic topics, nothing that could get him in trouble or be considered sensitive material at work. She knew all about him, he knew all about her… and then some. Penelope took it upon herself to do some digging, following her on Twitter and doing a deep dive on her own.

“So, she’s never had a boyfriend from what I’ve seen, she’s a teacher, she just finished college last year and she’s working at a daycare near her house. She lives with her parents and siblings, she’s a Swifty… I think they’ll be cute together,” he overhears Penelope as she sits on the edge of Derek’s desk.

“Her name is Y/N,” he adds without even looking up. “If you’re going to talk about her, use her name.”

“Reid, how are you so calm about this? She’s a stranger on the internet?” Derek’s voice of reason chimes in.

Only Spencer finds it completely unreasonable. “Everyone we talk to is a stranger before we get to know them. Some of the sweetest people we know are people we’ve interviewed in cases who were strangers 10 minutes beforehand. I think I know how to talk to someone and determine if they’re a safe person. I’m 30-years-old for crying out loud.”

“I’m sorry, man,” Derek understands where he went wrong. “Sometimes I forget you’re not a kid anymore.”

“And I only looked into her because I love you,” Penelope explains. “And I didn’t do a whole deep dive either, I just went through the account she tweeted you from. She seems lovely.”

“I really like her,” Spencer smiles. “We’ve been talking on the phone a lot lately. She wants me to get a better phone so we can FaceTime… would you be able to help me with that?”

Penelope’s face lights right up, “of course I can! Do you want to head to the apple store after work?”

“I’d love that,” Spencer smiles, an extra boost of happiness coursed through him and he was able to finish his paperwork faster than normal.

The first time he saw her face… he fell in love right there.

He sent her a text, keeping his same number as before, he surprised her when it popped up blue for the first time.

He checked his hair in the mirror first before anything else, nervous beyond belief and it showed. He made sure he looked nice, he cleaned his room up a bit and he tried out a few different places where he could rest his phone and look good, by the time he finally had the confidence to call her, she was calling him.

“I was about to call,” he whines as soon as it connects.

She smiles, giggling out of control, “oh my god? Hi?”

“Hello,” he’s a smiling mess right back. “You’re beautiful.”

She shrugs it off, “thanks, you’re very handsome as well.”

“Um, so, how was your day?” He leads in the way he would if they were just talking. Getting to see that glimmer in her eye as she talked was better than he ever imagined. She was so stunning he almost forgot to listen.

“… and what did you do?”

“Oh, uh,” he thinks to all the horrible things he flipped through and the conversations he had on the phone. “I consulted with and helped a detective in Orlando solve a weird case today… it wasn’t a serial but it was a strange one.”

“Gross stuff?” She asks carefully.

He nods, “yeah. I’m always astounded by how creative psychopaths can be.”

She laughs a little, “should I be scared?”

He laughs then too, shaking his head, “no. no, it’s my biggest nightmare to actually do anything that I’ve seen.”

“Intrusive thoughts?” She reads right through his wording choice. “I have them too. I’m always worried the kids will get hurt, one of my biggest fears is protecting them during a school shooting… I hate that it’s so common that I genuinely fear for it often.”

He just nods along, not giving her facts or statistics or scaring her any further, “I think that makes you incredibly strong to go to work every day with the intention of protecting them.”

“That’s a nice way to look at it,” she agrees. “You’re too wonderful to ever be a bad person, I know it’s easier said than done, but don’t worry. I don’t think you could ever do something mean on purpose.”

He smiles, believing her, “thank you.”

When they started getting to know each other on a deeper level, he met her family, with who she in fact still lived. Her mom always came in to say goodnight to her before bed, saying goodnight to Spencer as well with a smile and a wave.

Her siblings also came in a lot to say hey. She was a decent amount older than them. Lucy was 12, Emmett was 15 and Archer was 17, all still in school and all very fond of their big sister. Archer came in most nights to sit on her bed and talk to her about spider-man, something that Spencer knew a lot about from Jack and Henry. He bonded with most of her family during all their long night chats, even talking to some of them without Y/N even in the room.

Her father was very quiet and never bothered her when they were on the phone, he did however meet him when she left her laptop in the kitchen unattended.

“So you’re the boy my daughter is infatuated with,” his strong manly voice startled him slightly. He was standing in front of his coffee maker, making a pot and talking to the laptop.

He sat straight up and fixed his sweater, “yes sir. Hello, I’m Spencer Reid.”

“I know, we watched the news together as a family when she saw you the first time,” he smiles at him. “Well done on catching those copycats, I’m sure that wasn’t easy. I remember when they were in high school. Too smart for their own good.”

“It was difficult, but nothing is too hard for our team,” he doesn’t want to boast just about himself when he knows it’s more than him.

“Dad,” he hears Y/N as she walks back into the room. “Stop harassing him, please.”

“He wasn’t,” Spencer steps in. “We were talking about the zodiac copycats.”

“Ah,” she raises her brows, “I take it he’s been embarrassing me?”

“Not enough,” her dad teases. “I didn’t tell him how you said you would let him—

“Okay,” she picks up her laptop and her snack, “I’m going back up to my room now. Bye, dad.”

Spencer laughs, “bye Mr. Y/L/N.”

“Just because he’s a principal doesn’t mean you need to call him that,” she teases him as she climbs the stairs. “Please tell me he didn’t say too much about me?”

“He didn’t, he said you’re infatuated with me and that’s it,” Spencer recalls.

“Good,” she sighs, reentering her childhood purple room and sitting on her bed. “At least he didn’t lie.”

He’s also infatuated with her. She was quickly becoming the best person he knew.

They stayed on FaceTime all night when they could, with his phone set on the pillow, talking to her in his low sleepy voice about their days and absolutely falling in love with each other. It was one of those nights that he officially asked her to be his girlfriend.

She was laying there in the low light reading a book with her laptop on a pillow, the both of them completely silent as they hung out. It was how they were most nights after a certain point, after they shared their days and wanted to unwind, both being introverts and loving alone time. Only now, they love alone time together, the sound of the other person just existing was extremely calming to them.

He’s been trying to read as well, stuck on the same page as he watches her from the corner of his eye. On the tiny phone screen, he has rested on his desk, he leans in, “Hey, Y/N,” he asks lightly.

“Hmm,” she rests her book against her chest and looks over to him through the screen. Pushing her glasses up and smiling at him.

“My friends at work have been asking a lot about you… and I was wondering if it would be okay with you if I called you my girlfriend in front of them?” He asks it very carefully.

She squeals slightly, sitting up gleefully and placing her laptop in front of her so she can look at him better, “you want me to be your girlfriend?”

He nods with a shy smile, “I really do.”

“I need to come and see you soon,” she rushes out as she nods like crazy. “I really need to hold you and give you a big kiss because all this excitement inside of me is going to make me spontaneously combust at this point.”

“Really?” He feels exactly the same. There’s nothing he wants more than to hold her on nights where they just silently hang out.

“Yes,” she laughs, “you’re my favourite person, Spence. Ugh, I want to hug you so bad right now.” She tightens her hands into fists and shakes them, grinding her teeth together, she wasn’t kidding.

“You’re also my favourite person,” he replies, tilting his head slightly and staring at her affectionately.

She looks at him the same way, “it’s too early to say it, isn’t it?”

He shrugs, “if we both feel it, is it really too early?”

“Tell me when we meet,” she smirks. “I know, but I think that will be more special.”

And so he waits.

He’s been so infatuated with her for 9 long months, calling her his girlfriend for 6 of those, and now she’s on her way to DC to spend a week with him.

Banking up enough sick and vacation days to have as much time with him as possible, she packed her bags and hopped on the next plane.

Texting him to say she was on her way and sending him into a slight anxiety attack. He cleaned his whole apartment, actually bought groceries and bought new sheets for his bed so she’ll be as comfortable as possible.

He can see the top of her head as she walks towards the escalator and then she looks up, smiling at him and his whole world stands still right there. He knew he loved her just talking to her, seeing her in person made him know, for sure, that he loves her.

She lights right up when she sees him, running towards him, she drops her suitcase on the ground and jumps into his arms. He holds her tight around the middle and squishes the flowers. Her cheek rests against his, she runs her hands through his hair and silently holds him while she catches her breath.

“I love you, so much,” he whispers into her ear, feeling more content than he ever has before.

“I love you even more,” she replies just as softly.

He presses a quick kiss to her cheek before she pulls back, resting on hand on his cheek as she smiles up at him.

She shakes her head in amazement, “holy shit, you’re real?”

He nods with a laugh, “I am. So are you, and you’re so beautiful… wow.” All the air in his lungs rushes out, he’s stunned that she’s real and there and his.

“These are for you,” he hands her the half squished flowers, “I promise they were prettier before the hug.”

“It adds character,” she takes them and holds them close, “thank you.”

He can’t help himself, he pulls her in for another hug and she laughs as she settles against his chest. “We should get out of the way… we’re in everyone’s way.”

“Yeah,” he agrees but he doesn’t let go. “In a second, I have waited too long for this.”

“Okay,” she gives in, holding him close. She sighs, “you’re so cozy.”

“Let’s go home,” he says as he pulls back, “we can just cuddle for hours.”

“Okay,” she nods with a smile.

He takes her suitcase in one hand, holding her hand with the other. His heart is overflowing with joy, he can’t wait to show her his town, his apartment, his friends… he was so excited to introduce her to his life in hopes that she stayed a part of it. He knew she’d miss her family and friends, but the idea of her moving to Virginia to be with him was something he’s had on his mind for months now.

This was his chance to make her fall in love with the city, with his life and with him. Once she loved all of him, maybe then it would be easy for her to stay.

His car is old and light baby blue and so incredibly his on the inside. He has a crocheted steering wheel cover that’s purple and green flowers, it’s clean with a lavender air freshener… he has a few stuffed toys in the back seat and a police box stuck to the dash, along with a doctor who bobblehead who she would guess is the 10th... it’s exactly what she expected Spencer Reid to drive.

He’s cool, original, interesting, the smartest man she’s ever talked to, and the love of her life.

She can’t help but stare at him affectionately as he drives them home, to his home, not knowing she already felt home as long as she was beside him. All the aching in her heart instantly disappeared when she hugged him, the homesickness died and she knew where she was meant to be.

He doesn’t know it yet, but she has a job interview at a pre-school in D.C, and if she gets it she’s going to need a place to stay… if this week works out then hopefully his home will be her home and she’d never feel homesick again.

She’s spent so many nights wishing she could fly, spread her wings and go to him… she’s imagined having teleportation powers, the ability to just think about him and show up beside him. Be it in his apartment, the bureau or even a hotel room, she wanted nothing more than to be beside him.

And now she was.

“So,” she smirks playfully, “what do you have planned for this week?”

“Nothing,” he quickly smiles at her before returning to the road. “I have a list of what’s going on around us each day, but I wanted you to pick what we do. I have already seen everything here, I want to show you the things you’d love.”

Her heart swells, she reaches out for his hand and holds it tight. “On Wednesday I have something I need to do downtown… if you want to pick something and meet me there, after?”

“What do you have to do?” He’s confused, the way she knew he would be.

She smiles and thinks about keeping it to herself for a bit, “I have an interview… where Henry goes to school.”

She watches his eye widen as he turns back and forth from the road to her, “what?”

She nods, “yeah, I wasn’t going to tell you yet but I’m too excited.”

He finds a safe spot to pull off to the side of the road, he puts the car in park and stares at her with so much excitement, almost mirroring hers. “I was going to ask you to move in before you leave?”

“Ah!” She squeals, “I didn’t want to impose and ask!”

He pulls her in for a hug, “god, I love you so much.”

She wanted to wait to kiss him until the time was right. She overthought the most perfect kiss with him over the last 9 months of talking to him. And now she thinks it’s time. She pulls back, placing a hand on his cheek and staring into his eyes, “I love you.”

He’s the one who leans in, pressing his lips against hers ever so softly with his eyes closed. She’s so shocked she just watches for a moment, closing her eyes as she breathes him in and really kisses him back.

—

She’s cuddled into his chest while they lay in bed together.

As soon as their shoes and coats were off, that’s where they ended up. Not in a steamy, need-driven sense, but because they’ve spent 9 long months waiting to just hold each other.

Under the covers, legs all tangled up and her arm raised over the pillow to play with his hair as she kisses his neck and cheek lightly. His hand is under her shirt on the flat of her back, tracing the odd shape into her skin as she hums contently.

“You’re so soft,” she whispers.

It makes him laugh to himself, “you’re one to talk.”

“I could lay here forever,” she sighs, “but my arms going numb.”

He sits up with her, getting situated and comfortable once again, she pulls away and gets out of the bed, reaching for the hem of her pants, “you’re cool if I take these off right? It’s too warm.”

He nods with a smirk, “I’ve seen you completely naked, it’s not too weird.”

“I’ve seen you naked too,” she reminds him. “I wonder how your boss would feel if he knew you were sending nudes to me on the internet…”

“He accidentally airdropped a nude to Derek once,” Spencer can’t hold back his laughter for long, giggling as she opens her mouth in shock.

“You’re kidding?” She asks as she pushes her pants down to the floor, stepping out of them and kicking them towards her suitcase.

“Nope, it was hilarious hearing Derek scream like a little girl at a haunted house,” he teases.

“I can’t wait to really meet them,” she bounces a little as she sits back down beside him. Clapping her hands together, “they’re so funny on the phone I’m sure they’re even better in person.”

“They are,” he smiles just thinking back to the time she met one of his friends for the first time.

The first time he talked to her on the phone during a case, he was in a hotel room with Derek when she called. Hiding in the bathroom to talk to her, Derek finally knocked on the door after 20 minutes to ask if he was okay.

“Yeah, I’m just on the phone with my girlfriend,” he replied through the door.

“Girlfriend?” Derek hadn’t heard him use the word yet. “Can I talk to her? Please, I promise to be nice?”

Spencer laughed as he looked at Y/N on FaceTime, “did you hear that? Do you want to meet Derek?”

“I would, yeah,” she smiles, he watches her sit up and straighten out her shirt and get ready to meet someone new, it’s unbelievably cute.

When he opens the door and hands his phone over to Derek, he’s not sure what he’s expecting to happen, and yet, somehow, it’s exactly what does.

“Oh my!” Derek exaggerates, “aren’t you beautiful? Reid, how did you manage to land her?”

“I saw him on TV and I wanted him and now he’s mine,” she answers through the phone for him. Making Derek laugh even more.

“She’s ambitious, beautiful, I just hope you’re smart enough to know you can do better,” he teases.

“I’m also smart enough to know he’s exactly what I need,” Y/N’s always been very quick. “I take it you’re single?”

“How’d you know?”

“No man who’s happily with someone would joke about doing better,” she points out. “He’s what I want, I don’t care what people think.”

“I really like you,” Derek smiles at her. “I was worried when he found someone that they wouldn’t be what he deserves. I can tell he’s safe with you.”

She smiles then, and Spencer knows because she makes this little laugh through her nose when she smiles like that, “he is. And he tells me he’s safe with you, you’re always protecting him.”

“That I am,” Derek smiles back. “We all love Spencer like he’s our little brother. He’s well taken care of.”

“I have 2 little brothers and a little sister,” she admits to him. “Spence tells me you’re a middle child? Bookended with sisters… that must have been interesting.”

He looks at Spencer with a smile, “so is that what you spend your free time doing? Telling your girlfriend all about us?”

“He tells me everything,” she gets out as Spencer just nods. “Sometimes I’ll just call him when I’m sad and say a word and he’ll teach me something to do with it because hearing him talk makes me happy.”

“Awe,” Derek places his hand on his heart, “that’s honestly exactly what I hoped Spencer would get one day.”

“Really?” Spencer asks.

Derek nods at him. “I know we don’t always have the time to listen to all of your facts, but I knew when you finally found someone one day they’d love them. It’s a very unique trait of yours that we all love.”

“It’s the best, isn’t it?” Y/N asks. “He has the answer to everything in his mind, I’m never going to run out of things to ask him. It’s always so fun talking to him, you’re so lucky you get to see him every day.”

“Are you guys going to meet up any time soon?”

They both shrug, “I have a week I can take off in June, when the kids go home for the summer vacation, we’re trying to work something out.”

And that something came to fruition.

He just stares at her for a second, amazed that she’s real and in front of him. “What?” She giggles, “why are you looking at me like that?”

“You’re beautiful,” he has no other words to say. “I am so in love with you… it’s crazy to think this is the first time you’re actually here with me?”

“I know,” she lets out a relieved sigh, “it’s been so long, I never thought I’d get here… I can’t believe you’re real?”

He puts his hand out to hold hers, she takes it and pulls him forward into a hug. Wrapping around each other, she pushes him back against the mattress and lays on top of him, “and you’re mine,” she adds.

“Can I be honest?” Spencer whispers as he runs his hands over her back.

“Always, hon,” she kisses his jaw slightly.

“I half expected us to rip each other’s clothes off and fuck on the living room floor as soon as we got in, with how much we’ve been teasing each other lately,” he admits.

She laughs, “believe me I thought about that on the way here too.”

“You did?” He pries, wanting to see where just talking about it could take them. Every time they’ve done anything it always started as a simple conversation.

She pulls back enough to sit in his lap and play with the buttons of his shirt. “Can you blame me? Once again, I’ve seen you naked, I know what I’ve been missing out on while we’ve been apart.”

“Me too,” his hands continue under her shirt, up towards her bra where he unhooks it with a smirk, “oops.”

She pulls her shirt off with a giggle, letting her bra straps fall down on their own as Spencer reached for the cups to hold it in place. “Are you sure? We don’t have to right away, we have all week.”

“I’m very shocked you have enough self-restraint to not look at my boobs right now,” she teases him, licking her lips and pressing them together as she shakes her head with astonishment. “I want to. I’ve wanted to for so long.”

He lets her bra fall down, and his breathing hitches as soon as he sees them. He releases a content sigh, “wow…”

She laughs again, “you’re so cute.”

“I’m fully clothed under a naked woman I’m in love with,” he retorts. “I— I can’t believe this is happening?”

“Well it is, and we’ve gotta do something about all these clothes,” she teases him as she gets off him, “I can’t be the only naked one, that's not how this works.”

“Actually, did you know that there is a fetish for having sex with your clothes on?” He explains as he unbuttons his shirt and takes it off along with his cardigan, “Endytophilia is when someone experiences a gratifying sexual release while semi or fully clothed.”

She laughs, “I’m not sure if that’s your nervous tick to explain things or if you’re trying to tell me you have that?”

He shrugs, “I’ll try anything once.”

She kneels on his bed and walks towards the edge, placing her hands on his belt and working his pants off for him, “we can introduce kinky stuff later, right now I want to make love to my boyfriend for the first time.”

“Isn't it… your first time?” He worries.

She nods, “technically, but there’s no one else I rather do this with.”

He pulls her into a hug, kissing the tip of her nose gently before smiling, “I’m going to take such good care of you, baby.”

“Take your pants off, then, mister,” she teases him and tickles his sides as she plays with the hem of his pants.

He presses his lips together, pretending to be fed up, “it’s Doctor., to you.”

“Mmm, doesn’t sound right, she keeps teasing him. “What about sweetheart?”

He nods, “I like that one.”

Pulling back, he pushes his pants to the ground and steps out, “socks? No socks? Ethan made me keep my socks on, he said I have weird toes…”

She laughs, “I don’t care… I’m not doing foot stuff with you.”

He laughs, almost losing his balance as he takes them off, “I know, I’m just nervous rambling.”

“You’re adorable, there’s no need to be nervous,” she pulls him closer as he kneels onto the bed, sitting in his lap once he’s settled, and pressing their chests together.

She pulls back enough to toss him against the pillows and lean over him for another kiss, his hands trail her thighs in search of her hips as he kisses her again, and again, her tongue on his is sweet and gentile and he could stay like that with her forever. And then she grinds against him, moaning into the kiss as his fingers dig into her skin.

Her hands in his hair, he helps her rock against his clothed cock as their make-out session gets messier and messier. More moans erupt, teeth touch, she tugs his hair too hard and he arches his head back with a moan, giving her pause to move her kisses south on her way down his body.

The wetness from her underwear has darkened his own, leaving a wet spot against his cock that makes him shiver. She yanks his boxers down as soon as she can, shimmying out of her panties and hovering over him again, “Woah,” Spencer objects.

“I need at least 20 more minutes of foreplay with you,” he whines as he carefully flips them over, hovering over her as she rests her back against the bed. “You’ve been taunting me with this pussy for months.”

Pulling her panties down, he spreads her legs and spreads slobbery kisses along her inner thighs. Leaving hickies that will surely bruise and fade by the time she goes back to California, but he wanted to mark her. He loved her body, he’s been just looking at it for so long, dreaming of covering her in kisses for months on end, he groans against her skin thinking about it.

“So pretty,” he mumbles against her skin, “and all mine.”

“Only yours,” she plays with his hair in her hands, “no one else will ever get to see me like this.”

That sounded incredibly permanent. It was more than a promise, it was a wish, a want, a craving. She never wanted him to let her go, and he wasn’t about to let her either.

—

She’s staring at him between her legs with fire in her gut, her own mouth opening in a silent gasp as she watches him get closer and closer to her pussy, “so pretty.”

She feels like the world stills, “and all mine,” he continues.

Her breathing picks up, she’s never been so horny in her life as she grips his hair, “only yours. No one else will ever get to see me like this.”

She means it. She was for his eyes only, she never wanted to be this intimate with another human being, she had found her match and she wasn’t about to just let him go.

She pulls him in closer, he’s quick to run his tongue along the length of her cunt, groaning at how wet she is, “fuck, babe,” he sucks her clit into his mouth, sloppily kissing her most private area and making her head spin.

She had no idea it could feel this good. Legs writhing in the sheets, back-arching, she grinds up against his tongue in time with his movements, fucking his face essentially. It sounded like he loved every minute of it as well, the noises he made were so incredibly sexy on top of everything else that she was closer to the edge faster than ever before.

Her orgasm hit her hard, gripping the sheets for support as she let out the loudest moan of her whole entire life, “Spence, Spence, oh my god,” she pants as her breathing works on settling itself out.

He’s smirking up at her, lightly teasing her clit still with his index finger, “if you’re comfortable and really turned on then it makes the first time easier.”

“Yeah?” She’s still breathing hard like she ran a marathon. “I’m still going to be impossibly tight… believe me.”

He takes that as a challenge, laying flat on his chest between her legs, he gathers her cum and uses it as lube to insert his middle finger all the way. It’s so hot, the way he watches as it goes in and out of her each time. He slowly adds a second finger, only pumping into her till he reaches the first knuckle, then the second and finally he’s stretching her open enough to take both full fingers. He scissors his fingers, curling them and rubbing against her g-spot as he worked her open enough to fuck her.

“I’m good,” she can’t take it anymore, so turned on and unable to cum again without clit stimulation, she couldn’t wait any longer. “I need you now.”

He pulls out carefully, kneeling between her legs as he strokes her wetness onto his cock. “Remember what we talked about?”

“Yeah,” she smirks, “I’ve been on the pill for 3 months now, I want to feel all of you the first time.”

She swears his eyes roll into the back of his head as he takes a deep breath in, “fuck, I love you so much.”

“Yeah?” She teases, “come here?”

He leans down enough for her to pull him back into a kiss, tasting herself on his lips and craving more. Messily making out, she reaches between them and spreads her legs more, pushing the head of his cock towards her entrance and pushing him in slowly.

They both pause making out, open mouths pressed together as they moan out in pleasure, “keep going,” she encourages him, “oh my god?”

“You’re so fucking tight,” he agrees, slowly pushing in as far as he can go, and then he just stays there, staring at her softly. “There you go.”

“Not a virgin anymore,” she smiles, pulling him in for more kisses as she gets used to the stretch. Then he starts to rock his hips, pulling out ever so slightly and thrusting back in with enough power to make her gasp. “Fuck me?”

“Yeah?” He goes a bit faster, “like that now?”

She nods, tossing her head back against the pillow, he continues kissing and sucking on her neck as he fucks her. Letting her moan as much as she wants, she claws at his back, wrapping her legs around him as she takes it all in. This was what she wanted when she imagined her first time.

She wanted it to be sexy, cute, funny, everything it was supposed to be when she finally had sex with the person she loved the most. Spencer was everything to her, she felt a tear slip down her cheek, feeling so much she couldn’t help it.

“Spence,” she moans his name again, “my clit?”

He hums, changing his angle and sliding a hand between them, she twitches hard when he makes contact with it. He groans, she had tightened around him too and he wasn’t going to last much longer, “fuck, babe.”

“Fill me up,” she’s used to saying that to tip him over the edge when she was on the other side of the country, now she actually means it.

His hips sputter and his rhythm changes then, he’s so fucking hot like this she takes a moment to push his hair out of his face and look at him, staring into his eyes as he fucks her, she smiles.

“I love you, so fucking much,” he’s able to say as he holds back for her, “I want you to cum with me, baby.”

That alone does it, that same familiar hear bubbling inside her veins and gathering in her loins, she came with another shout of his name as she pulled him in closer.

“Ugh,” he stills as he cums with a groan, thrusting forward with each twitch of his cock as he fills her up. It’s hot and incredible, she gasps in shock at just how much it is.

“oh my god?” She’s wrapped around him like a spider monkey, breathing heavily and not willing to let him go at all.

He giggles against her skin, kissing anywhere he wan as she catches her breath. “You okay?”

“Perfect,” she sighs, relaxing against the mattress as he pulls out and rests against her comfortably. “I don’t know what to say besides oh my god?”

“I know,” he smiles in agreement, “it was amazing.”

“I can’t believe I have to leave in a week… I want to do that every day for forever,” she exaggerates. “I love you.”

“I love you even more,” he repeats her wording for earlier. “I’m serious, you don’t have to leave. And you can come back whenever you want?”

“I want to come back as soon as I can,” she sighs, “I want to actually get a cute little house here with you and build a little life together and start being truly happy.”

“Okay,” he looks up at her, resting his chin on her shoulder, “I’ll start looking around, I’ll send you every listing and you can move here even if you don’t get the job. We’ll figure something out.”

Her heart is so full of love, she cups his face and pulls him in for another kiss, and another and another until they’re going at it again.

They don’t do much else for the rest of the week.

-

Part 2 coming soon

the road trip from San Francisco to D.C!

Permanent tag list

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[watchyourbluesturngolden]

go big or go home

this was a request from @kk2016

Hi!! could you write about being pregnant with Harry but no one knew so you guys show up to the Grammys together and everyone can see your baby bump through your dress?

here is the link to the dress you’re wearing. I have no idea if this is a good option, I’m terrible with fashion :) but I thought it was cute! If you hate it, definitely just imagine something else :)

warnings: pregnancy

word count: 2.8k

It wasn't exactly hard to hide a pregnancy during a pandemic. You barely left the house, and if you did, you weren't recognized. The one time you and Harry had been spotted, you had only been 4 months along and were wearing an oversized sweater. So it was safe to say this baby was your family's little secret.

Harry knew, of course. He had been the first person to know (after Anne and the doctor who confirmed the pregnancy). You had got around to telling the rest of your families after the first trimester was over. The "inner circle," as you liked to call it, were the few people who were aware. This consisted of your parents, Anne, Gemma, Harry's band, Jeff and Glenne. That was it. Neither of you were wild on the idea of Harry's entire fanbase knowing, so you kept it under wraps as best you could.

Which, once again, wasn't hard to do. You didn't even have to go out for groceries; they could be delivered. You could buy everything for the nursery online and have it sent directly to your front doorstep. You and Harry had stayed inside for the better part of the past seven months.

However, there was one event coming up that you absolutely refused miss out on. The Grammys. At first, Harry thought you should stay home. He was worried you would get sick, and how it might affect the baby. He was worried about his fans finding out. He was worried he wouldn't win and he would have to see your disappointed face right next to him.

Of course, you were not about to let this happen. You assured him you wouldn't get within six feet of anyone besides him. You wouldn't shake anyone's hand or hug anyone. You would wear two masks, if it would make him feel safer. You would shower in hand sanitizer. You really didn't care what you had to do; you were not going to miss this night.

"Harry, I swear to God, if you keep giving me that terrified look..."

"I'm sorry!" He exclaimed, dragging a hand over his face. "I'm allowed to be a little apprehensive. This really isn't a good idea, I think it might be best if you just stay home. I just-"

"Absolutely not," you spun around, placing your hands on your hips. "I'm going to be there, in person, so I can watch my husband become a Grammy winner."

"You can watch from here!" He argued. "Plus, that way, you don't have to walk around all night. I know your feet have been bugging you, and-"

"Don't use this pregnancy against me!" You threw your head back, taking a deep breath.

"I'm sorry, I'm not," he said, stepping closer and resting his hands on your belly. "I just want you to be safe. You and our little girl."

"I know," you brought up your hand to brush along his cheekbone. "And we will be. I'm not going to get close to anyone. I'm not going to touch anything. I'm going to have two masks on the entire night. Harry, there won't be anyone safer than me this whole night. I promise."

"I just..."

When he didn't finish his sentence, you leaned in to meet his eyes. "What are you really worried about?"

"Lots of things," he murmured. "Besides the literal plague? I'm worried about people finding out and being cruel. I don't want to deal with that, and I don't ever want you to be exposed to it. I'm worried something bad will happen, and it'll be all my fault for letting you come along. And... I'm worried you'll be disappointed if I don't win." His last sentence was so quiet you barely heard it, but it still made your heart ache.

"Baby..." You said quietly, your voice sad. You ignored his other two worries for now, because this one was clearly the most important to deal with. “You think I'll be disappointed in you?"

He nodded, looking at his hands on you instead of meeting your eyes. "Everything I do, it's all for you. You and her. What if it's not enough? What if I fail?"

"Harry," you kept your hands on his face, directing him to look at you. "I will never, ever be disappointed in you. You are amazing, in everything you do. Understand? I personally think you will be a three time Grammy winner at the end of the night-" he grinned at this- "But even if you're not, I will still be so incredibly proud of you. I will always, always be proud of you, and I will always love you. Okay?"

He didn't move, but you used your grip on his face to nod his head up and down. His smile grew bigger, and he grabbed your wrist gently. He turned his head to kiss your palm, sighing softly before he pulled away.

"I love you so much," he said, his voice filled with admiration. "How do you do that?"

"Do what?"

"Make me feel better. You always know exactly what to say."

You shrugged with a small smile. "I'm just amazing, I think."

"I think so too."

-----

You were sitting on the couch, dressed in your normal quarantine clothing. Hoodies. Sweatpants for him, leggings for you. Why would you get dressed up for a virtual acceptance ceremony?

You bounced excitedly as they announced "Adore You" as one of the nominations for best music video. Harry smiled when you gripped his arm.

"I don't have a good feeling about this," he admitted.

"Well, you're just a ray of sunshine today," you huffed. "Here it comes!"

"And the Grammy goes to... Beyoncé, Blue Ivy, and WizKid."

You slumped back slightly, patting his arm.

He laughed lightly at your reaction. "She deserves it."

You nodded. "Not to be mean to you, but yeah, she definitely does."

-----

As the hours wore on, you could tell Harry was getting more nervous.

"It's just- it's my first performance in a while. What if it's not good?"

"Harry," you grabbed his face again. "It will be amazing. Yes?"

Again, he didn't respond. Again, you had to physically move his head up and down in a nod. Again, this made him laugh. It was a small gesture, but you could tell it helped calm him down at least a little bit.

"There's one thing we haven't talked about," he pulled away from you, going through his drawers to find his socks.

"What's that?"

"Your outfit."

You shook your head. "I already picked my dress." You pulled out the garment bag, unzipping it to show him. It was fairly simple; you didn't want to overshadow him on his big day.

He smiled. "It's beautiful."

You nodded. "We're going to look so hot together."

"Couple of the year, I think."

"We might break the internet. Seriously. You're wearing a leather jacket with no shirt and I'm pregnant. Twitter is going to explode."

He laughed again, pulling you into his arms. "Are you sure you're ok with everyone knowing? It might not be good, people's reactions can be really-"

"You do realize they will have to find out at some time, right? You can't exactly hide a child forever."

"I know," he sighed. "I just like living in our little bubble, where it's only me and you who know."

"And your mom. And Gemma. And my parents. And Sarah, and Mitch, and Adam, and Ny, and Charlotte, and Jeff and-"

"Alright, alright, you've made your point," he chuckled. "But you know what I mean."

"I do," you nodded. "And I'm ok with people knowing. Besides, it'll blow over soon. I can just stay off socials until it does."

Harry sighed again. "I wish you didn't have to. I wish people would just..."

"Treat people with kindness," you grinned. "Maybe they don't know. Maybe you should tell them to do that sometime."

He rolled his eyes playfully, pulling away from you. "You're funny."

"Hilarious, I know."

"I have to get ready," he sighed. "One last try- are you sure you don't want to stay home?"

"Not a chance," you smiled. "Now shoo so I can get dressed."

-----

His hands were shaking as he opened the door of his dressing room. You gripped his arm tighter, trying to remind him you were here for him.

"Everything's going to be ok," you said softly.

He nodded, but his hands still shook.

"I'll be right offstage, you can look at me if you get nervous," you reminded him. "This might not be the time, but I'm, like, really excited to see you perform."

"Yeah?" He gave a small smile.

You nodded. "It's been a while since I've been able to see that. And you look... very nice in this outfit."

"Very nice, huh?" He laughed. "What a compliment."

"I do have a way with words," you grinned.

"Always," he leaned his forehead against yours. "Now what was it you said earlier? Shoo, so I can get dressed."

"I'll be just offstage," you reminded him one last time, blowing him a kiss as you stepped out of the room.

-----

You couldn't take your eyes off him for the entire performance. He was worried for no reason, because he was incredible. He was born to do this, you could tell.

You cheered louder than anyone else when he finished, earning a cheeky smile from him. As soon as he could get away, he ran over to you and enveloped you in his arms.

"I told you you'd be amazing," you whispered.

He nodded, wearing the biggest smile you'd seen in days. "Couldn't have done it without you."

"I didn't do anything," you laughed.

"No, I couldn't have done it without your moral support," he clarified.

"Right, moral support," you nodded seriously before breaking into a smile again. "But really, that was amazing. You're perfect."

"That's all you, love," he returned the compliment, turning back around to watch Billie performing. He kept his arm around you, though. The camera panned to you a few times during the different performances, and you knew by this point the viewers at home had seen your bump. Your dress wasn't very tight fitting, but you were almost 8 months along. You were sure social media was exploding by now.

You didn't have to worry about that though, not yet at least. You had a few more hours of calm.

-----

Harry's nerves had apparently returned once you got to the table. His hand was gripping yours even tighter than before and his leg bounced constantly. You placed your hand on his thigh, trying to calm his frantic movements. His eyes went to yours, and you could tell he was smiling under his mask.

"It will be fine," you reminded him. "Everything will be ok. You already did the hard part, remember?"

He nodded, taking in a deep breath. "Right. And soon, we can go home, and sit on the couch, and eat ice cream."

"Exactly," you smiled. "And I can get back in my leggings and not get dressed again for the next 6 months."

He laughed at this, and his grip on your hand loosened. He still kept hold of you, but you could tell he wasn't so nervous anymore.

"Ok, shh, they're announcing it now," you said excitedly.

Harry looked down, apparently seized with nerves again.

"And the Grammy goes to... Watermelon Sugar, Harry Styles."

His eyes went wide, and your face split into a giant grin. He reached his arm out to grab yours, almost like he didn't believe what had just happened.

He pulled his mask off, standing up. He took your hand, gesturing for you to stand too, so of course you obliged. He pulled you against him, and you could feel how fast his heart was beating. When he pulled away, you smiled up at him.

"I knew you would win," you said softly, still beaming. "Now go!" You gave his shoulder a gentle push toward the stage.

"Wow, um..." He blew out a breath, looking at you before he spoke again. "To everyone who made this record with me, thank you so much. This was the first song we wrote after my first album came out, during a day off in Nashville, and I just want to say thanks to Tom, Tyler, Mitch, and everyone... Rob Stringer, and everyone at Colombia, my manager Jeffery, who has always nudged me to be better and never pushed me, thank you so much. I feel very grateful to be here, thank you. All of these songs are fucking massive, so thank you so much, I feel very honored to be here among all of you, so thank you so much. And I want to say-" he looked at you again, a smile of adoration crossing his face. "Most importantly, thank you to my wife. Y/N, I love you more than anything else on this planet, and I couldn't have done any of this without you. You make it all possible, so... thank you to the light of my life, and of course our daughter." His eyes went wide at the last sentence, like he hadn't planned to say that. He looked around nervously before he quickly made his way back to his seat.

"I'm so sorry, I didn't mean to say that, it slipped out-"

You shook your head, taking his hand. "It's ok, don't worry about it," you smiled. "I'm so proud of you."

He put his mask back on, but it didn't hide the happiness on his face.

-----  

Once everything was over and you had both climbed into the car to go home, it seemed to really hit him.

"I won a Grammy," he said in disbelief, looking down at the award in his hands.

"You won a Grammy," you repeated with a big smile on your face. "Grammy winner Harry Styles."

"Yeah," he looked back up at you, his eyes still wide. "That's... insane."

You nodded. "And very impressive. And I'm so proud of you."

He smiled, scooting closer so he could put his arm around you. "Grammy winner Harry Styles... and his amazing wife."

"And their amazing daughter," you added, placing his other hand over your stomach. "Feel that? She's been kicking all night. She's excited for you."

He grinned, before his face dropped back into one of concern. "Are you sure you're ok with what I said? I really didn't mean to, I just got caught up, it-"

"Baby," you stopped him. "I promise, it's ok. Besides, everyone knew the minute I walked in there."

"Right," he nodded. "Has your phone been blowing up?"

You shrugged. "I turned it off. Should we check?"

"I'm a little nervous," he admitted.

"I'm gonna do it." You fished your phone out of your purse, eyes widening when you saw how many notifications you had. From every possible app. Congratulations texts, excited DMs, missed calls, and then there were the mentions. There were well over a hundred on your lockscreen alone.

You cleared all of them, deciding to open Twitter and see how bad it was. You were very pleasantly surprised.

"harry's daughter" was #1 on the trending page, and "harry in leather" was right behind it. Clicking on the first one, you found several GIFs of the terrified look on Harry's face when he accidentally made the announcement. You smiled, but scrolled further. Hundreds of fans were typing in all caps, apparently very excited that Harry was going to be a father.

"You're right, we broke the internet," he grinned, looking through his own timeline. "I've seen my bare chest more in the last five minutes than my entire life before this."

"What a power couple we are," you laughed. "We got the top two trending spots."

"What an accomplishment," he joked.

You scrolled for a few more minutes, still yet to see a negative message. "You were worried for nothing, babe. They're all very excited for us."

"I see that," he grinned. "They've also named our baby for us, and somehow know her zodiac sign."

"Oh, wonderful," you laughed. "But really, it could have been worse."

"Definitely," he nodded. "Well, that's one way to announce a pregnancy. On live TV in front of the entire nation."

"Yeah, you know, go big or go home."

"Exactly."

Closing Twitter, you moved on to Instagram. You gasped when you saw the first picture on your feed. "Sarah posted her bump! Now we can be baby buddies in public, not just in secret."

Harry smiled, turning off his phone and pulling you closer to him.

"omg, baby buddies :)" you commented. Within seconds, Sarah had liked the comment and replied with "they will be best friends😊"

With that, you turned off your own device and leaned into his side. "What a good night. Aren't you glad I came with you?"

"I am," he admitted. "Very glad. Thanks for being stubborn."

"Always."

[vulgarloon]

Trust my fucking rage, bro

Apart from general reasons, I have some very personal ones why I HATE antis and people saying:

dont ship xx shipping xx is bad you encourage and promote xx by liking these ships tHiNk AbOuT mInOrS!

First of all, can we please talk about the hypocrisy of people saying that shipping some fictional characters is A SIN, immorality and a pure transgression, while there are THOUSANDS of people who LOVE Game of Thrones with all the bloody and horrific mess it includes, or Cannibal or Silence of the lambs, or many other twisted and abnormal fictional stuff which are considered okay to be widely broadcasted? How do these things differ in any way and why fictional ships promote socialy unaccaptable behaviour, and fictional stories in books or tv shows don't?

Do y'all want to go and eat people after watching that 'sexy cannibal dude' doing shit like that? Do y'all want to become doctor and go slaughter criminals like Dexter? Have children with your daughters like that fucker from GOT? No? Then why shipping Thor and Loki or Tony and Peter or whatever pairing is not quite 'normal' will instantly make you 'not normal'? It reminds me of this fucking ridiculous and gross homophobic statement that some people are trying to push forward, the idea that if you show homosexual characters in some shows then children will ALL INSTANTLY BECOME GAY, because apparently that's how some people's world works - you just look at the fucking chair and then BECOME THE CHAIR YOURSELF. Fuck this, aight?

Do you guys understand what fiction and fantasy are? Does anyone has any idea about humans' imagination properties and how our psyche uses it? Have you heard about sexual fantasies and people NEVER EVER wanting to implement even the tiniest of details from these fantasies into their lives, because they are just FANTASIES? I bet no, and this enormous gap in our knowledge about orselves makes us angry, anxious, when we encounter something we can't exlain due to lack of knowledge. We are scared of stuff we don't understand and people want to destroy things they are afraid of.

Secondly, would you kindly stop the fuss about minors? Show me someone who ever said that any social media is definitely for minors and 100% safe and is made out of rainbows and cotton candy. Since when internet in general and websites such as tumblr, ao3, twitter are for children? Also shouldn't it be parents' responsibility to keep their children safe and teach them about internet safety rules? Or maybe 24-h available and totally free pornhub is somehow less harmful for them then fanfictions or art? I mean that's definitely the place to get some super healthy behavior examples.

And lastly, my personal reason for such an unexpected outlash. I recently understood that all my life I was told to do everyhting considering only what others will think or feel and ignoring myself. I was always forced to keep my thoughts and feelings locked inside, just to make sure no one will be hurt. I wasn't allowed to show my anger, my tears, my resentment because it could have somehow 'break' people around me, who apparently were so much weaker than myself, a distressed child with smothered emotions.

Long story short, I have learned to hide my real emotions flawlessly, immaculately, to degree where I couldn't even understand what I was feeling and the only thing I had inside me was apathy and emptiness. Thanks to my friends and my psychologist I am slowly learning how to feel as myself again and how to let my emotions just be there. And now I want to tear apart anyone who is trying to strangle me and my feelings. And since I have strong feelings for the ships I like, this kind of fuckery and antis with their very important and very relevant opinion on stuff no one asked them about makes me bloody ferocious.

Take care of your own safety, you sugar princessess and princes, get the fuck out of the places you don't like and take all the minors with you. Block shit you don't want to see, nobody owes you nothing, and the whole community, a whole bunch of adult people with their interests won't change or shut up or stop existing just to ensure your comfort.

[windandwater]

so I started adderall and hoo boy. lemme tell you. what a wild feeling, in so many ways, but especially right now where I’m like “I’m not doing anything shouldn’t I be panicking” and my brain is like “no. you have a lot to do. but you’ve also been working really hard. so it’s okay to take a break for a few minutes” and I BELIEVE MYSELF??

WOW

anyway here’s some stuff under the cut about it because I can’t believe how well this is working out.

background: I’m hypoglycemic. one big reason I decided to do this was, I was having this issue where I get depressed if I don’t eat sugar. I was eating sugar to feel joy. I am at risk for diabetes but even if I wasn’t this is not...great. I’ve always had to watch my blood sugar and I’ve always been careful about what I eat but in recent years, the amount of actual dessert/candy I eat has gotten mildly out of control and my doctors have told me to watch my sugar and I just...wasn’t able to.

one of my coworkers who is also not-neurotypical and as such knows her shit, told me that this whole “sugar to feel joy” thing is an ADHD symptom. I knew I had ADHD (I’d been diagnosed in high school) but wasn’t being treated for it, but had never been told this was a symptom, and at that point I was like, you know what, fuck this, I can’t get my health under control on my own if I’m not being treated for my mental health as well. I’m talking to my psychiatrist about this.

so I did. enter adderall. and now I wanna talk about it because it’s been FASCINATING and I am all about brain medication when you need it. so here goes!

also I live-tweeted my first 24 hours on adderall because it was SO WILD and I’m so glad I did even though I have three (3) followers, more on that in a minute

(me: I can’t tell if it’s working, it’s supposed to kick in in 30 minutes but--wait I think my brain just went bOOP

coworker: is bOOP good?

me: it’s WEIRD)

the good

Y’ALL THE SUGAR THING WORKED IMMEDIATELY. oh my god I was stunned. absolutely stunned. I still absolutely have a sweet tooth and enjoy eating sweets but I can eat a normal amount, at normal times, and not because I need to feel something. it’s because I want to eat something sweet. I can’t believe in 24 hours I went from complete inability to control myself to just...not having to. brains!! who knew!!!

I focused on an entire conversation the entire time. the entire time. I was even very stressed because my blood sugar was low and I needed to eat, but I was able to put that aside because I knew I could deal with it when the conversation was over! WHAT THE HELL!

since then it hasn’t been that easy because conversations are, quite frankly, often very boring, especially for work. but it’s easier to focus when I need to, and not zone out halfway through or have to do something else in order to focus. or start stressing/thinking about other shit that doesn’t matter. I can listen to what people are saying!!! for an hour! it’s crazy!!!

I wasn’t tired all day! this is also part of the bad. you’ll see.

I feel more in control of my days now, and less like time is speeding by at a rate I don’t and can’t comprehend. I’ve gotten fairly good at planning out and prioritizing my time anyway, but now it’s like...better. and easier.

executive function is online, and as I alluded to, no more self-guilt-tripping if it takes me a minute to get to things. they’ll still get done! it’s okay! if I don’t do something right away I will still do the thing! I have years of experience parceling tasks into small pieces so I do them, but less so with not still getting on my own case about not doing them right away.

if I don’t have music or a podcast playing at all times, I can still focus on work. it’s still pretty nice, it’s just not absolutely necessary. this is throwing me off hardcore but it’s kind of nice to be able to be in silence occasionally.

I can still multitask but if I’m NOT multitasking I don’t feel like I’m going insane, and also, I don’t feel like my brain is hanging by a thread at all times that might break and cause everything to explode.

a tweet I made: “I was researching something and when I got frustrated I kept at it and didn't have to go take a break to do something equally frustrating and pinball back and forth between them until they both got done. I might have just been weaponized? “

it’s true. researching/looking stuff up is one of my skillsets and...I’ve been weaponized.

the bad

my appetite is allll fucked up. we’re adjusting the type of medication I’m on to try and mitigate this but wow it’s an appetite suppressant and wow that’s not okay when you’re hypoglycemic and have to keep your blood sugar up.

my sleep is also fucked up. anxiety keeps me from falling asleep and I’d gotten to a good place re: falling asleep at night. however I was also in a very bad place re: sleeping constantly (sleep apnea? quarantine depression? who knows!). but waking up constantly during the night ain’t the solution, chief. so we’re also adjusting to see if we can do something about that.

regarding that: the first night, I literally just did not get tired. it was very upsetting. if I hadn’t tweeted about it I would’ve had an out and out panic attack, but one of my friends talked me off the ledge, telling me she had the same experience when she first went on it. I was not warned and I wish I had been. I was still able to sleep (she wasn’t, when it happened to her) but hoo boy. no thank you.

pharmacies like to babysit you when you’re on controlled substances. ugh.

more shit to keep track of. ughhhhhhhhhhhh

unfortunately, I had a hard time finding mainstream resources for this stuff online. I’ve read a lot from tumblr and heard from other people’s experiences, but when I went looking for, say, information on adderall & sleep...a lot of it is related to addiction. I had a similar problem with ADHD & sleep: I wanted to know more about whether ADHD can make you really tired like I was, or whether it was just an insomnia type of thing, and there just wasn’t a lot out there. this isn’t really a problem with the drug, but like...it’s a pain when you really want to learn more about something, aren’t in a place to talk to your doctor yet, and are just left to the wind with the mainstream internet assuming you’re abusing a substance.

definitely also felt like I had to lay the groundwork with my doctor...I had been planning to talk to her about this for a while, so I mentioned my ADHD diagnosis early on so I could bring it up at some point and not just out of the blue ask her for meth. this stuff is hard.

(not making a statement of any kind of recreational drug use/addiction, just...I hate the US medical system. a lot. everybody loses.)

so that’s how it’s going! sorry for the long post, but I did want to document this somewhere besides twitter, and maybe some of y’all are interested.

oh also, my other favorite thing that happened is my doctor said to try to keep track of when I take the medication and it wears off, and I literally told her that that would also be a good marker of whether or not it’s doing its job, because in my natural state I literally cannot remember to do that, with anything, ever. and I did! I managed! WILD

anyway end the stigma. ♥️

[keltonwrites]

How do I become courageous? How do I stop letting the anxiety over the uncertainty of future, or the fear of other people's judgement, dictate my life's narrative?

Ten years ago, my Zoloft prescription ran out the day I had a tumor sliced out of my neck. The surgery was on a Monday. I woke up with chest pain and nerve damage in my face. They kept me until Wednesday morning. I left the hospital with a drainage bag attached to my neck, pinned to the collar of my shirt. I couldn’t move the right side of my face. I emailed my boss.“The surgery was a little more intense than I anticipated. I don’t think I’m going to be able to make it in this week.”“Please be here on Friday.”I went to work on Friday. I couldn’t brush my hair because the pressure on my neck was too painful. The blood bag seeped occasionally on my shirt. I had the kind of sleep anyone has after their ear is partially sliced off to remove a tumor burrowing beneath it. Don’t worry — they sewed it back on. (The ear, not the tumor.)On Friday, because I didn’t understand how boundaries or rights worked, I walked across the National Institutes of Health campus toward my building looking more like a patient than an employee. My boss stared at me and then didn’t speak to me again. I wrote for four hours before I went into her office.“I need to go home.”“Have a nice weekend!” She beamed, actively looking everywhere that was not my blood bag.I smiled, sort of. The right side of my face was still temporarily paralyzed, so the left side of my mouth hoisted my cursory courtesy smile by itself.“Gonna work on my face,” I said pointing to my partially slack expression.“Sorry?”“Nerve damage. Gonna try to exercise it. Do some heavy lifting while I watch TV,” I said, my face contorting from the kind of stifled laughter usually reserved for broken ribs and strict teachers.“Ok!” She almost yelled, her own face contorting with discomfort.Over the next two weeks—tumor and medication free—I lost my mind. Stop me if you’ve heard this before. I gave away my percocet. I dyed my hair. I adopted a cat. I started a blog. And nine months later, I started a challenge called Bold Moves October. I started it because so much of my day-to-day life felt defined by inaction and complacency. Plus, the October prior is when the doctors had said, “we’re really not sure if it’s cancer or not.” Followed immediately by, “we can schedule you for surgery in three months.”It was a long three months. Death all of a sudden seemed like something that could happen. In my 23-year-old wisdom, this meant I should be more proactive. For better or worse, I primarily applied this proactivity to flirting.

We can’t all learn life’s great lessons on the first go.Anyway, that blog and that mini movement of boldness changed the trajectory of my life. One thing toppled into another. Over the next few years that blog and challenge would (directly and tangentially) get me a book deal, writing contracts, sport sponsorships, job offers, the friendship of my favorite author, the adoration of my husband, and a full-time job as an editor that would be the two best professional years of my life.The period I spent working on that blog was obviously good. It was also the most derided and insulted I would ever be. I lost friendships. I received hate mail and death threats (in 2011 no less, before every Twitter account with too many numbers in the screen name became an amateur fear monger.) I allowed people to send me anonymous messages because it was a way for people to share how they were struggling without revealing their identities. But that meant I couldn’t protect myself from anonymous and un-trackable threats. God only knows what my parents thought. (In this scenario, I am God. I know what they thought.)Courage often doesn’t feel good. The only courage that exists without anxiety is arrogance. There is not a life where you, a person who wrote anonymously to an all-but-dead Tumblr, live without the anxiety of others’ judgment. But there is also not a life where you, who—again—wrote asking for advice anonymously to an all-but-dead Tumblr, aren’t a person defined by desperate chances and hope. I apologize that you sent me that note months ago, but I assure you, it is because I too was flexing courage, letting it coarse through my veins and vanquish months of chronic nausea.Like you, I was fussing about in the woods of my life, looking for something that resembled a path. Not necessarily a path without sinkholes or poison leaves, but rather one worth them.Your path, the one it sounds like you’re trying to find, will be overgrown with the thorns of judgment and anxiety. But they’re just thorns. They’re on every path. They’re hurting you just as much on the wrong path as they will on the right one.Normally I give very ethereal advice that’s difficult to act on. It’s more like a song than an action item, but in this scenario, you don’t need to listen to someone else. You also don’t need to have a tumor spliced from your insides to remind you that at some point, our chances run out. All you need is to develop the skill of listening to yourself. For a couple of months, relax with the courage. Courage is just an instagram word for having a strong inner constitution. And that is something you can develop without framing it in the same terms we use to go to battle. 

To do the work, I recommend a few things. 

If you don’t already, move your body. I know how much people hate this advice. But if you can hike or run or cycle or even just briskly walk (without podcasts) for a minimum of 20 minutes a day, you should. Our gut, our intuition, our inner sense of self or whatever you want to call her, she’s not going to feel safe coming out when you’re in the mental thicket of other people’s narratives. Exercise is the closest humans have to Drano for the mind. 

Find a journaling exercise that feels like maybe it’s a little too much work. If it feels conquerable, it’s too easy. I go back to Susannah Conway’s Unravel Your Year. Doesn’t matter if it’s a new year. Time is a construct. 

Get the book Designing Your Life. You may not design an entirely new one, but it may help in making change feel conquerable, or just possible. If that book feels too “action item” oriented, try The Artist’s Way. It’s much more about knowing yourself than it is about art.

Make a list of the narratives that you feel other people are suffocating you with. Maybe dad wants you to be a doctor. Maybe girlfriend wants you to settle down a little. Maybe boss wants you to focus on the clerical side of your job. Maybe society wants you to buy an apartment you can’t afford. Whatever or whoever it is you feel is pressuring you, write it down. You need to know your demons to exercise them. You might even find, in time, that you even like some of these visions. They’re not the enemy. Pressure is. And pressure is only defeated by self. Isn’t that annoying?

Write to me again. Impress me. Give yourself a few challenges each week. Whether it’s applying for a class, trying something you’re bound to be bad at, getting up half an hour early to dance your heart out before work, I don’t care. Do some things that are for you. Not for others, not for profit, not for your future — just for you right now. And then use me for more than an anonymous submission on the internet. Use me as a deadline. Sometimes all it takes to get over the hurdle of pressure is a little validation. I’m here for that whenever you need me.  

I’m recommending these things because I just did them.

I gave myself a deadline to change my life. Not that it was bad, it just felt… well it felt exactly how it did ten years ago: full of inaction and complacency. I was on cruise control, taking few chances, taking really nothing at all. So the next thing I took was an exit. I wanted to see what life looked like when things weren’t all concrete and white lines. I quit my job. I camped around the west. I picked up a few new hobbies. I journaled more than I did all of 7th grade. My year-long bout of nausea went away. I started to dance again. I wrote songs again. I wrote in general again. And I dug around in my psyche for the truth about what I always liked doing, what the through-lines in all my good jobs have been. Very simply, the strongest through-line was the encouragement and empowerment of others.

Most of the writing I’m doing right now will be private until it isn’t. I’m writing a horror film and still working on my first novel. But I need a weekly way to interact with people via writing lest I lose my lonely mind, so I’m bringing back the one thing got me into writing in the first place: answering people’s questions.

After writing Anonymous Asked, I was too embarrassed to promote the book. I’ve never re-read it. I fell into the spiral of what other people thought: of me, of the work, of my ideas. But I’d rather be fulfilled and insulted than bored out of my mind and forgotten.

So to encourage your courage, I am flexing a little bit of my own. My newsletter (of which this essay is a part) is now called “A Little Bit Better” and the whole point is that it helps you feel a little bit better. You can subscribe to it here. It will include essays like this and other bits of things that made that week a little bit better. I hope you enjoy it. I know I will. See you there.I wrote this while listening to:It’s a Storm - Young & SickSwing - Mahmut Orhan Remix by Soki Tukker and Mahmut OrhanKissing Other People - Lennon StellaScared to Death - Jax AndersonSound of Your Voice - Griff

[tessatechaitea]

Justice Society of America #9 (1993)

I bet Guy Gardner makes a "Wood is your biggest weakness!" joke.

Back in the late 80s/early 90s, there were two stories that every single DC comic book had to tell: the protagonist battles and defeats Lobo and the protagonist puts Guy Gardner in his place. The first one proved that the protagonist could beat the toughest bastich in the DC Universe. The second was just satisfying to a lot of customers. I hated every single one of these stories. Except maybe the Hitman story where they defeat Lobo by taking pictures of Bueno Excellente ass-fucking the unconscious Lobo. I don't think that's using rape in an offensive way because Lobo was a murderous, genocidal psychopath and Bueno Excellente loved to fuck things in the ass. I suppose my love of Lobo and Guy Gardner in my teens and twenties says something unpleasant about me. But you can't deny that Lobo was the character every DC fan most wanted to fuck. And I mean every DC fan. I still find it weird that somebody could create a character that was both super sexy and also looked like a clown. And I just felt sympathy for Guy Gardner. These were the days before you had to account for mental illness and traumatic brain injury when assessing somebody's personality and attitude. But I was there for you, Guy! I knew what you'd been through and how unfairly everybody treated you! If only Harley Quinn could have been around to tell everybody to stop being so hard on Guy because he was suffering from severe brain trauma and couldn't help flying into rages on a near constant basis. Instead we just had Batman to lay Guy out in one punch and "fix" his personality until he was hit on the head again like some amnesiac Fred Flintstone. When we last left the Justice Society of America, the people of Earth were being driven toward hatred due to the unearthing of Kulak by Hawkman and Hawkwoman. It reminds me of something that happened in 2016 but I just can't quite put my finger on it.

I suppose if comic book artists can't help making corpses sexy, I shouldn't be surprised that they're making me think about fucking a seventy year old.

I know Joan Garrick is just a fictional drawing but at least I'm honest about when fictional drawings of old people and corpses give me a boner.

"One cop's nightmare." Yeesh. I'm afraid to ask how this movie ends.

Doctor Mid-Nite relaxes at home listening to the radio while coming up with old man takes to impress his young assistant.

Just wait until he gets a load of Twitter and Internet memes!

Thunderbolt and his dull friend work out that some kind of sorcery is affecting the Justice Society members, causing everybody to despise them. But it doesn't seem super important so Johnny Thunder decides to leave it for morning. I can't blame him for not knowing the whole world can burn down in that time; he isn't outside the story like I am so he can't perceive the whole of it all. Normally I would blame him and call him an idiot but I'm feeling charitable tonight. Thunderbolt does rush off to investigate because he senses something familiar. So at least the Hex Bolt is being cautious instead of lazy. And maybe Johnny isn't being lazy but have you seen the way he's drawn? It's not like he's in a hurry for anything except maybe a nap. Meanwhile, a new program has popped up: Current Affairs Spotlight. It's basically the Kulak version of Fox News, reporting questions that they don't really want to answer but by simply asking them causes their audience to distrust the subject of the questions. On a related note, Sean Hannity is a huge piece of shit.

I mean, they do have "society" in their name. They were just asking for the socialist accusation.

Alan Scott smashes the television and flies off in a rage. I guess I know who else was watching that program and believed every bit of it because his traumatic brain injury causes problems with his ability to assess the validity of facts over propaganda! It seems like I know a lot of people like that these days. I forgot Alan Scott runs a television station until he starts complaining about the propaganda airing on his station. He says, "I don't think that Molly should be censoring programming, but the station should have some standards. And she knows that report is sensational nonsense." Welcome to modern media, Alan! It's no longer up to the standards of the station to decide what bullshit should be shoveled onto the viewing public! Now it's just about how much money can be made on advertising while espousing some kind of freedom of speech fair exchange of ideas nonsense! It's exactly the problem that has been exploited by people who actually want less free speech. You muddy and obfuscate the truth by putting out whatever outlandish bullshit you can come up with and then if a station refuses to air it, you claim they're biased toward the side of the political spectrum you're trying to fuck over with your bullshit. I mean, that's Fox News. The other stations are the ones that have been cowed by Fox News into being horrible both sides news vehicles. Guy Gardner attacks Alan on the way to the television station because Guy was watching the show, of course. Remember, random television news broadcasts was once how super heroes got all of their breaking news alerts! How could they fight crime otherwise?!

A man with a traumatic brain injury has the same general understanding of fascism and political theory as the average Fox News viewer.

Guy Gardner doesn't make a wood weakness joke because he doesn't know about Alan Scott. Len's idea for this battle was probably, "Guy can only beat Green Lanterns because he's cheating using that yellow ring! But now let's see him fight a fair fight against a Green Lantern!" Which is exactly what happens! Alan Scott gives Guy a lesson on how to be a Green Lantern. I'm sure later, when Guy isn't being manipulated by Kulak, he'll process the information and accept it as wise words and valued experience from an old timer. Or he'll just vent and fume and look for an occasion to get even with him. After defeating Guy, all of the normal people on the street begin attacking the Justice Society and calling them fascists and commies. I'll accept their gullibility because it was caused by sorcery. Otherwise I'd be rolling my eyes at, once again, every regular citizen of the DC Universe being bamboozled by some demagogue. Hawkman drives up to save the day but instead just drives everybody right into Kulak's clutches.

I am surprised that Thunderbolt being driven on a stake through his asshole made it into a Comics Code Authority book.

Justice Society of America #9 Rating: B+. Sure Guy Gardner got his ass kicked like usual but at least Guy Gardner was in the comic book! That totally made it worth it to me! Except for how he was portrayed and the lines they gave him and the assumption that everybody thinks he's stupid and the idea that his only redeeming quality is being tough. But he looked like Guy and they called him Guy and he made some yellow rockets with his ring! So cool!

[witnessprotectionau]

By M’gann

Welcome one, welcome all! M’gann here today, since I’m the only one in the superhero community with experience running a blog. It’s a pleasure to meet you all, even if it isn’t under the most ideal of circumstances...

This is the Justice League’s official tumblr blog! Since our identities were outed, we don’t have to worry about accidently leaking personal information anymore, and we decided to create various social media accounts so our actions are more public and available to everyone, and totally not because if we didn’t, our actions would have to be monitered by the government and none of us want people following us around at all times, or Secretary Ross anywhere close enough to have his eyes on us!! :)

(Scarlet Witch/Wanda just burst out laughing, and she doesn’t have her phone on her, so I think she’s reading my mind, now I know how it feels, but at the same time, I’m glad I made at least one person laugh with that)

If we just post what we’re up to, then we can just refuse to post about when we go to the bathroom unless it’s important, which was a big concern for us all when people following us was first brought up. But that’s besides the point!

This blog will contain all the stuff we’re posting on other social media, so you can just follow us here to get all the tea!

... My uncle just came in to inform me that those of older generations might not know what that means, and that I have to try to not leave anyone out.

‘Tea’ means gossip.

Okay, so starting off this blog with a bang, the entire superhero community (which also includes vigilantes, anti-heroes, and villains, not just superheroes, it’s just quicker to say!) decided to all create twitter accounts to post their name, if their identity was revealed and their civillian name. Now, I don’t know EVERYBODY in the community, so I put in everyone who commented superhero-like stuff on the post. I’m pretty sure that they aren’t real heroes, but it’s better safe than to be rude and exclude people! Besides, I didn’t know about the Defenders half an hour ago until I heard someone in the house exclaim that someone named Daredevil was finally getting media coverage because of this. Apparently a few people in the house were fans of him. __________

Okay, so... You guys weren’t there, but I stopped writing for a few hours to attend a justice league meeting with the avengers and quite a few other people, and here’s what was ultimately decided:

Because we have so many enemies, it isn’t safe for any of us to live alone anymore, so we’ve basically all moved in together? Well, not all of us. Those who had their identities revealed, and those who lived with them, or could have their identities revealed based on everyone else.

For example, Batman had his identity revealed, which, by the way, what???

Bruce WAYNE??

But yeah, Batman had his identity revealed, but Robin didn’t. The new Robin. Not the first one. Nightwing is his eldest son, Dick Grayson. But people can figure it out based on his height. Which, by the way... Bruce has his reasons for letting him into the community, give him some slack. He’s been getting a lot of hate from it. And speaking of Bruce Wayne, it is his manor that we’ve all moved into, since it’s large and has excellent security. I haven’t met his other kids yet, so I don’t know if they already knew their dad was Batman, and their siblings were Nightwing and Robin. I’ll ask them when they show up. __________

Okay, so I left to get food for five minutes, and when I came back, the og JL members were staring at my screen and laughing their heads off while Bruce sat by the side and scowled. So... I’m concerned. If this post never goes up, assume I’m dead.

BUT ANYWAY!!!!!!

I made everyone in the house promise not to read the comments on the original twitter post, and only read them here, as some of us wanted our accounts not to be spammed by their friends. Like, Garfield uses his account to advocate for animal rights, he doesn’t want to constantly respond to other supers’ messages. He’s too busy for that!

The mess on Twitter, as follows: __________

Youonyourphone,situpstraight! @ #1FBIAGENT Plastic Man, aka Patric O’Brian. I was outed, which makes my job VERY interesting now... (read: awkward)

Winged Warrior @ Hawkwoman ✔️ Shayera Hol. I have wings. If  you couldn’t figure out my “civillian identity” by me walking down the street, earth is too dumb to save anymore

r3d @ 70rn4d0 The children chose this name for me. Red Tornado, AKA John Smith.

Green Arrow @ notrobinhood ✔️ Oliver Queen, revealed too... Let’s hope this doesn’t affect STAR labs... Sorry PR department. :/

Adam @ DrStrangeJunior League doctor, last name strange. The avengers already have a doctor strange, and I’m younger than him, hence DrStrangJunior. I never really had a hero identity in the first place, but everyone insists that I’m a part of the group, so... yeah

Big Boy Blue @ TheREalSuperman ✔️ Clark Kent, Kal-el, Superman. Speaking of, why was @ Superman already taken?

Aquaman @ KingOfAtlantis ✔️ Even though I don’t REALLY have a secret identity, I have to do this anyway for some reason? Arthur Curry.

rocket @ PCHOOOOO raquel ervin. rocket. the only reason icon is around so bow down to me. Tim chose my name.

therapist @ capitalsareimportant Black Canary. Dinah Lance-Queen. Betcha Imma bout to lose my job.

take the shot @ harperoy Red Arrow, Will harper, Previously Speedy. I had this @ before... everything

Fastest Man Online @ 2fast2type ✔️ flash, barry allen, dying inside BECAUSEI’MLIVINGINABILLIONAIRE’SHOUSENOWANDTHEREISSOMUCHFOOD

zatanna @ annataz Only one name, Zatanna. That’s both my civillian name and my superhero name, but my stage name SOMEHOW is still a secret??? smh everyone’s blind...

cptnmarvel @ SHAZAM! Captain Marvel. The male one, since apparently I have to say that now?? My identity is still a secret tho!

Themiscyra❤️🧡💛💚💙💜🖤 @ Wonderous ✔️ Wonder Woman. Princess Diana. However, my Civillian name is Diana Prince __________

Now, The Green Lanterns... Kilowog got an account first, and it didn’t end well... __________

Kilowog @ GreenLanternOFFICIAL ✔️ As one of the Green Lanterns assigned to this sector, I decided to join in on this internet stuff, since it seems so important to everyone on this planet. Kilowog here! Green Lantern.

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ SOMEONE stole @ GreenLanternOFFICIAL  🙄

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ @ GreenLantern1 ???!?!? ONE!?!?! I WAS THE FIRST HUMAN GREEN LANTERN THANK YOU VERY MUCH JOHN!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ It was the first thing I thought of aside from GreenLantenOFFICIAL, don’t yell at me!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ why didn’t you just do GreenLanternJohn instead of stealing what was rightfully mine?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Hey, you aren’t the boss of @’s!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ who says I’m not?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You’re obviously not!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ but who says?

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Me!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ but you’re not the boss of me!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Since when?

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ since i’m your senior!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ I’m older than you!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ i’ve been a green lantern longer!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That doesn’t matter!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then if it doesn’t matter, change your name!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ To WHAT?!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ GreenLantern16 or something, i don’t know!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ There aren’t even that many Green Lanterns!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ there are hundreds of us!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ I meant HUMAN Green Lanterns!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then fucking specify next time? is that so hard?!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Fuck off, asshole!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ you first!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That’s not even an insult!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ and yours was?!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ Shut up!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ just change your name and i will!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You can’t change your @’s, just your user!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ then get a new account!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ That’s a pain though!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ suck it up!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ You’re the one who started all this!

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ you started the argument with Kilowog’s account when he’s not even on the planet anymore!

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ It was a joke! You’re the one who took it seriously!

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ hey Guys...??

I CAME FIRST! @ OriginalGreenLantern ✔️ ...

John Stewart @ GreenLantern1 ✔️ ... __________

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ ok so kilowogs off planet, and the others are refusing to use their accounts after the incident where i murdered them both, so im doing their introductions for them

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ @ GreenLantern1 is john stewart, obviously. @ OriginalGreenLantern is hal jordan, and yeah, he was the first human lantern. and me? the only Guy who had the bright idea of actually checking to see if @ GreenLantern was available like a normal person?

hey Guys @ GreenLantern ✔️ i was off-world when everyone’s identities were revealed, and thus have my secrets!

hey Guys @ GreenLanten ✔️ well, i mean... i didn’t exactly hide it before, so some people might know, but im loving the fact that i kept my identity secret when batman didnt, so i decided to keep it to flaunt that fact to the others. peace out __________

Ro(g)y @ arsenal The OG Roy Harper here. Arsenal. Previously speedy.

Kaldur’ahm @ Aqualad ✔️ My user and @ says it all. I was revealed. Uselessly, but still revealed.

Mygreatestachievementwillbebeingborn @ Impulsive Bart Allen, AKA Impulse. My identity WAS revealed, but good luck finding out who I am. ;-)

Apollo’s Crockpot Sister @ Artemis ✔️ Artemis, AKA Artemis Crock. Now y’all can finally stop asking me about my name.

From Fanboy To @ LagoonBoy L’gann here. Lagoon Boy. I’m green, you should be able to know what my civillian self looks like. It’s not like I can hide.

buzz off @ bumblebee I wasn’t revealed, but... being a superhero would be a suitable excuse for being late to classes... Karen Beecher-Duncan, Bumblebee! (Don’t worry, I discussed revealing myself with the entire league, and they said it was cool)

World’s best dodger and bullshitter @ Guardian Bumbles’ loving husband, Mal Duncan.

hello megan! @ hellom’gann ✔️ M’gann M’orzz AKA Megan Morse AKA Miss Martian. Superboy doesn’t have an account, but also didn’t get his identity leaked (somehow) anyway!!

Wall-Man @ It’sKIDFLASH ✔️ Wally West, Kid Flash. Nice to meet Y’all

Apollo’s Crockpot Sister @ Artemis ✔️ Y’all

Wall-Man @ It’sKIDFLASH ✔️ Okay, you used it just two seconds ago so don’t @ me

Jaime @ ScarabHost ✔️ Jaime Reyes here. Now, the previous blue beetle is in a coma, and has been for years, I’m the new one. I just never had a public enough persona to tell everyone that I’m not just him with a new suit before...

Cassie @ WONDERgirl ✔️ Come to my room @ ScarabHost, I have marshmellos to cheer you up! Yes, you can come too, @ Impulsive  😋

Mygreatestachievementwillbebeingborn @ Impulsive Like you could keep me from food.  😜

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ I Am Iron Man

Hawk-ayeeee @ hawkeyeshadow Clint Barton

Brunhilde @ TheLastValkyrie All in the name.

Platypus @ TiredOfTony Col. James Rhodes, AKA War Machine, previously Iron Patriot (Thank goodness)

The Black Panther @ Kingofwakanda ✔️ T’Challa of Wakanda.

godofhammers @ kingofasgard ✔️ I am Thor, son of Frigga

Captain American’t deal @ Steven19 ✔️ Steve Rogers, Captain America.

My Name’s Not Scarlett @ It’s Wanda ✔️ Scarlet Witch

On your above @ FalconPINCH ✔️ Sam Wilson

🅱️lums @ WhiteWolf James “Bucky” Barnes here. Previously Winter Soldier... Sorry.

Toaster @ Eyesight ✔️ Vision Stark.

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ I’m crying.

Master Of The Mystic Arts @ DrStephenStrangeMD ✔️ I didn’t change my @ when I got into this world

Fury @ DirectorOfSHIELD ✔️ My name is already there.

Not That Maria @ AssistantDirectorOfSHIELD ✔️ Maria Hill, Assistant Director Of SHIELD

I am Groot @ Multilinguism I am Groot.

PETER NO @ GamoradaughterofABITCH Gamora.

PETER YES @ STARLORDOFFICIAL Peter Quill, Starlord!

Chocolate Works @ WeAreVenom Identity kept, bitches!

Shield Maiden @ LadySif I am Sif.

T’Challa’s babysitter @ GeneralOfWakanda ✔️ I am Okoye.

Logan @ Wolverine ✔️ I would reveal my identity, but I don’t know what it is myself.

Laura @ Wolverine2 ✔️ OMG DAD! You got your memories back, stop making amnesia jokes, they’re lame!

Logan @ Wolverine ✔️ This isn’t Private Messages sweetie

Laura @ Wolverine ✔️ FUCK

DannyRand @ AngstPuppy Iron Fist here!

notthedevil @ kurtthenightcrawler I’m blue, it’s not like I can hide?

Godda go feast @ Quicksilver Pietro Maximoff, Wanda’s twin brother.

Freshuricado @ WakandaHeadOfScience ✔️ Princess Shuri. I don’t have a hero name, but I sometimes fight with gauntlets, so...?

Best Grandma @ Gi-Ant-Man Scott Lang here, also known as Ant-Man!

The Wasp @ HopeVanDyne ✔️ Scott’s better half.

Quill chose my name @ trashpanda Rocket Raccoon. That’s my name, nothing else.

Iron Daughter @ Blueberry My name is Nebula Stark, Gamora’s sister.

Dr. Tony Stark @ youknowwhoiam ✔️ ���😭😭🥰

bobby @ Iceman So... My identity wasn’t revealed, but... most mutants at the school don’t really hide their identities, so everyone knows who I am here? But I didn’t wanna get left out of the train, so I’m Bobby Drake. AKA Iceman

Unbreakable @ LukeCage I don’t have an alternate name?? Yet my identity was still secret somehow?? (Well, not anymore) I hate everyone’s blindness. No offence to someone though, you know who you are.

Drax @ Drax I am Drax!

Jessica Nones @ AliasInvestigations ✔️ I never hid, but I guess I’m finally advertising.

💚🔪💚@ Iammantis! Hello everyone! I am Mantis!

DIDN’T CHOOSE MY OWN NAME @ ItIsBEN The Thing. Ben Grimm.

NAME WAS GIVEN BY DUMBASS BROTHER @ butiapprove The Invisible Woman. Sue Storm.

CHOSE MY OWN NAME @ FLAMEON The Human Torch. Johnny Storm

My name wasn’t chosen by me @ butitboostsmyego Mr. Fantastic. Reed Richards.

CHOSE MY OWN NAME @ FLAMEON YOU MESSED UP THE CAPITALS ORDER!!!

My name wasn’t chosen by me @ butitboostsmyego SIGH

__________

So, quick note, the next people... Well, I haven’t got any confirmation that they’re ACTUALLY heroes. But I don’t wanna exclude anyone, and they might just be obscure vigilantes that I don’t know about, but they commented on the thread that only heroes were meant to, and it’s not like believing them to be heroes will get me hurt like it would on a mission if they were villains in disguise, so... I’m just going to trust them this time! __________

Anathema @ Device I’m Anathema Device, and I’ll be doing the technology side for Crowley, Aziraphale, and Newton Pulsifer.

Adam @ DEATHJR Kids of the Armageddon’t, unite! (Except Warlock, cuz he didn’t actually save anything) Adam Young here.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Brian here! (My mum says I can’t give out my last name until I hit 18, sorry for the lack of syncronity...)

Adam @ DEATHJR (It’s all cool Brian, not your fault!)

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR Well, most of us can unite, anyway... I miss Pep, even if she had a weird name that I’m pretty sure was fake, looking back on our childhood.

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR You wanna go, Wensly?

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR YOU’RE ALIVE?!!

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Yeah, I’ll DM you three my number so we can catch up.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Is it really her though?

Adam @ DEATHJR Well, you DID forget to put your name down Wensly. Nice to see you again Pep!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR But they could have just hacked your computer?

Adam @ DEATHJR If she did that, she would have called him Wenslydale, not just Wensly. She knew better.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR One way to find out. @ WARJR, say you’re name to us all within the next five minutes!

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Pippin Galadriel Moonchild, Pleb. Bow down to your missing member.

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR OMG, I’m legit crying you guys...

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR IT REALLY IS YOU!

Adam @ DEATHJR Glad to know you’re safe and sound, Pep. 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Puh-lease. You really think *I* could keep out of trouble?

Adam @ DEATHJR Glad to know you’re sound, Pep. 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Glad to be sound, Antichrist! 🖤 Still haven’t learnt what safety is tho... :P

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR Pepper? Living a calm enough life to be SAFE? Wouldn’t dream of it. 🖤

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR Send me your number so I can cry while hearing your voice 🖤

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Sure, it’s in your DMs now, and Wensleydale? You were right. “Pippin Galadriel Moonchild” isn’t my real name.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR FUCKEN CALLED IT!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR WAIT WHAT?!

Adam @ DEATHJR THEN WHY DID THE TEACHERS CALL YOU PEPPER TOO??!?

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR Think that’s bad? Remember how all that Stuff™ went down when we all were 11? Lies, I was 9.

Cuz common sense is the rarest resource @ FAMINEJR BUT YOU WERE IN OUR CLASS

Adam @ DEATHJR WHAT THE HOME PEP?!

Pestilance? @ POLLUTIONJR HOW DID THE TEACHERS LET YOU TWO GRADES ABOVE WERE YOU REALLY THAT SMART??

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR OF COURSE I WAS YOU ASS! But nah... I ran away from home, hitchhiked, skipped the county, forged my ma’s signature to put me up for adoption, stole some adoption papers, and placed them on the mayor’s desk filled in, and as far as anyone was aware, I was now the daughter of the local hippie

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR I picked “Pippin Galadriel Moonchild” as my name because I was a massive nerd.

Adam @ DEATHJR THERE IS SO MUCH TO UNPACK IN THAT I DON’T KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN, WHAT THE FUCK PEP?!?!?

MY NAME IS AWESOME, FIGHT ME @ WARJR I’m an agent of Chaos.

Two Seconds Away From Giving Up @ JERomY Kid... __________

This thread wasn’t important, but... I just found it heartwarming that they found eachother after assuming Pepper was dead, and I found it funny. __________

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Okay, I have convinced all of the team to say their name and position. I even managed to get everyone to get matching Team Names, and put their superpower as their user! Only those with identities revealed will have to say their name, however.-OGLB

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL This account is run by two different ladybugs. If you don’t see a signature at the end of a post, it’s Bugette, the current Ladybug. If you do, it’s me, the last Ladybug. -OGLB

Cataclysm @ ChatNoirOFFICIAL My identity is still secret, suckers!

Like I’d tell you @ RenaRougeOFFICIAL Rude. Alya cesaire. I’m a retired hero, but doing my best every day to be once again worthy to wield a miraculous. I doubt it would be the same, however, as @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL is a much better fox than I am it seems.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL DM me -OGLB

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Alya! You were meant to put your special power in the user! :(

Like I’d tell you @ RenaRougeOFFICIAL I was going to, but then Viperion pointed out to me that our powers were too obvious by our special power name, and that the two of us in particular needed others to not be aware of what we can do to make us all safer.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL That is a very sound judgement! I’m glad you thought ahead and made the wise deciscion!

Your new goth gf @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL Rena, you’re a better fox than me, it just seems like that due to self-doubt. You are more suited to the fox than I am, it’s just that the fox is needed that I am even a holder at all. WHEN you get back on the team, I’ll either be retired or given another miraculous instead. I just have the better name.

SHELLter @ CarapaceOFFICIAL Not gonna say my name, but it’s pretty obvious if you pay attention, so just like... watch if you wanna know?

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ I used to be the best holder of the Bee Miraculous, but I gave it up to @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL, and they are acceptable.

Wenom, uwu @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL Thank you Chloé! I couldn’t ask for a better predecessor!

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ You are most welcome, HoneyBee!

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL Uhmm... Chloé? You were meant to put your power in the user, not your name. And everyone knows what you can do, so there’s no point hiding it from everyone. -OGLB

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ You misunderstand, Ladybug. As Chloé Bourgeois, I am well known for being rich and famous.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL And? -OGLB

Chloé Bourgeois @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL ✔️ Being rich IS my superpower.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL SMH -OGLB

BRB, Got sword homework @ RyukoOFFICIAL @ QueenBeeOFFICIAL @ HoneyBeeOFFICIAL I am Ryuko. While the previous Hawkmoth knew my identity, the new one does not. So I will remain in the shadows, as it is now safe for me to do so and wield once more.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL I thought we all agreed to put our powers in our users!!

BRB, Got sword homework @ RyukoOFFICIAL My skill with a blade is much more beneficial than my power over storms, I thought it more prudent to use the talent that I actually worked for. Besides, @ ChatNoirOFFICIAL sent me a meme, and it was enough to make me laugh in front of my mother, so I decided to use it.

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL DM me about how she reacted...

Miraculous @ LadybugOFFICIAL ^Same, and Chat, stop spamming our inboxes with memes! -OGLB

Pls don’t need me so I have to use it... @ ViperionOFFICIAL I am the Aforementioned Viperion. And yes, my weapon IS what you think it is. No-one knows who I am as of right now.

Your new goth gf @ NeurofoxinOFFICIAL My identity is a secret but my name is Neurofoxin.

Creation @ Ladybug Tikki here! The current active kwamis are going to sound off. Our usernames will be what we are the kwami of, and our @ s will be what animal we represent!

The ORIGINAL @ Catwoman Plagg here.

Creation @ Ladybug PLAGG!

The ORIGINAL (Destruction, THERE, HAPPY TIKKI!?!?) @ Catwoman UGH!

Avatar @ Fire Nation Dragon Well, since Plagg already broke the rules... Longg here. And I am technically not exactly breaking the rules..

Creation @ Ladybug See what you’ve caused?!

Emotional @ Peacock Duusu here!! :D

Intuition @ sassysnake Sass here.

Timey-Wimey @ BunnyIsLate Goodbye and Hello! I am Fluff, and I won’t be active on twitter often unless I will.

Trixx @ FoxyLad Technically, I’m also following the rules. 😎

;) @ Multiplication I know I just put my special ability down, but if I put my animal representative down (rat) I’ll ruin the joke... Mullo here.

Subjection @ Busylittleworkerbee I feel like I’m one of the few that still actually listens to Tikki... Pollen, at your service!

Y’all better be rich if you talk to me @ TransportationTeleportationHorse Just providing a friendly warning... Kaalki here, and I only interact with the best.

Protection @ Turtle Wayzz here, feeling like a fool since I decided following Tikki’s rule was a good idea. __________

These two groups seem like they work together? Or they’re both coincidently animal-themed, and I’m making connections when there are none. The next few are seemingly one-off people! __________

Caroline @ GLaDOS While I never saved the world myself, I saved the life of someone who did, and that should count for something.

Refined Pig @ Waddles ✔️ ((I know this is an account for my pet pig, but the creator of this account, me, has saved the world, and Waddles was there, along with my brother, @ ConspiracyTheorist))

The government isn’t the only one hiding the truth @ ConspiracyTheorist ✔️ You make me sound like a sidekick like I didn’t save your behind multiple times.

Danny Phantom’s cousin @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL Dani Phantom here! I save Amity Park, plus the world, and I’m cute to boot!

Red @ Huntress @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL is my sidekick, ignore her.

Danny Phantom’s cousin @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL Rude!

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ DON’T CALL ME INVISO-BILL

Danny Phantom’s cousin (Ghost Princess?) @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL You love me! 💙💚

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ I know you are using those for the color aesthetic, but I hope you know the blue heart represents loyalty, because you have absolutely none of that for me.

Danny Phantom’s cousin (Ghost Princess?) @ CALLHIMINVISOBILL True... How’d you even find this account anyway?

Danny PHANTOM @ GhostKingOFFICIAL ✔️ I know better than to not keep an eye on you. I’ve known for months. __________

And that’s all for now! I know we’re missing some, like Batman and my uncle, but they should be on by tomorrow. An update will be posted then!

[vfdarkness]

Paisley, or: The Man Who Stands In The Shade Of The Cyrpress Tree - AVFD S1E7 transcript

INTRO

Dark ambient drone.

RYDER

You’re alone in an elevator at work. It comes to a sudden, unexpected stop. The lights flicker off. When they come back on, you are surrounded by tall, strange beings.

A beat.

RYDER

You need my help.

Intro music fades in.

RYDER

This is A Voice From Darkness.

ACT I

Intro music fades out.

RYDER

Hello, as always this is Dr. Malcolm Ryder, parapsychologist. I apologize for the long break after our last episode - right after coming back from a hiatus no less. But our studio has received calls, emails, and tweets asking for me to respond to wild theories regarding my involvement in two long missing persons - siblings Julian and Miranda Holloway.

A beat.

RYDER

I will not dignify these rumors on this show. Later we will be taking calls, however we will be screening them first to make sure no one is simply trying to get on air to shout-out their internet conspiracy theories about myself.

A beat.

RYDER

First - it's time for National Alerts.

National Alerts music plays.

RYDER

National Alerts. A dangerous text-adventure computer game from the 80s has found it’s way onto the internet. Titled “The Decadence of Farboshia” - Do not download the game. Do not play it. Every copy should have been destroyed in 1985 when dozens of players disappeared. It’s unclear how it got online, but it’s there. At the Ravenswood library there was an incomplete walkthrough of the game. I don’t recall many details - but the player begins the game as a pauper traveling across the ruined kingdom of Farboshia - collecting objects of the aristocracy so that they will grant you access into their hidden sanctum while the rest of the kingdom falls apart. The players who disappeared in ‘85 are believed to have finished the game - as all their computer screens showed the same final screen - pixel art of a luxurious room in a state or decay. Misshapen creatures in golden masks surround the player's character who appears frightened by these figures. I repeat: Do not search for or play The Decadence of Farboshia. 

That is the only National Alert we have this week.

National Alerts music ends.

RYDER

Do you have a supernatural question but don't want to call into the show? Maybe you're merely curious about a matter - like a small, intense red light that manifests above your bed as you try to fall asleep... No, actually that's dangerous. That's a bad example.

If you're ever experiencing that - please do call into the show right away. But - if you have a question you're merely curious about and would prefer to write into the show feel free to email us at avoicefromdarkness@gmail.com or tweet us @vfdarkness. On that note, from Twitter, Phil asked us - "Dr. Ryder, what was your first supernatural encounter?" Well that's kind of you to ask, Phil. The Ryder family has been adjacent to the supernatural for several generations. My grandfather, Duncan Ryder, like my sister now, was a professor of occult studies. I suppose many grandparents like to perform magic tricks for their grandchildren - pull coins from behind their ears and other simple sleights. My grandfather perhaps took it a bit too far. One night when I was seven years old, he led me to his study to show me a black-bladed knife. At that point in my life I'd been told about the supernatural but was never a witness to it. He turned on a bright desk lamp that cast his shadow across the floor and against the wall. With black blade in hand, and without warning, he bent down and severed his shadow from his body. His dark silhouette then moved about the room on its own - threw books from shelves, knocked over furniture, all the while my grandfather and I laughed.

A beat.

RYDER

Then, without warning, his shadow drifted towards me with its hands outstretched. My grandfather stopped laughing. I backed away -frightened. My grandfather whispered something under his breath and reached out a hand towards his shadow - but his shadow ignored him.

As I crept back, its fingers grew longer and sharper till they took up a large portion of the room. I found myself trapped in a corner. The shadow now hardly resembled the man it'd been cast from. It was thin and long with talons. I looked towards my grandfather for help. "That's enough now," he threatened. But the shadow continued on its course. The dark mockery of my grandfather raised its talons into the air... to strike me... My grandfather lunged at his desk lamp... he missed the pull-chain but knocked the lamp off his desk. The light bulb bursts and the room fell into darkness.

A beat.

RYDER

I woke up in the guest room late the next afternoon. I asked my grandfather about his shadow, about the black blade... but he feigned ignorance. His body cast a shadow. A normal one that resembled him and only moved when he did. He suggested I must have dreamed the whole incident. Only... later that day I snuck into his study. The books were all back where they'd been before the shadow'd thrown them. The furniture too. No broken lightbulb shards were scattered across the floor. But... the lightbulb in the desk lamp was different - a different size and wattage - than it had been. It'd been replaced.

A beat.

RYDER

Years later I again asked my grandfather about the black-bladed knife. He did not deny the reality of the incident. He apologized for what had happened years before and for lying. I asked him what happened to the knife. He refused to tell me. When he died, he made no mention of it in his will.

It was possibly one of the more dangerous talismans in his collection, and there's no accounting for it. Well, Phil, that was my first encounter with the supernatural. I hope that satisfied your curiosity.

A beat.

RYDER

Our next question comes to us from Eli. They write, "Dr. Ryder, I keep having intense dreams of a tower rising through mist in the northeast. As it rises an island in a lake disappears. And then everything - everywhere - goes dark... I think I'm dreaming of the end of the world. Am I?" Well, Eli, I've met dozens of people over my career who've claimed to predict the future from their dreams. I believe dreams are powerful - we'll see an example of that shortly in Today In Odd America - but I've yet to see a demonstrable case where a dreamer predicted a specific future event. I wouldn't let your dreams worry you too much. That's all the questions we had this week. Onward to Today in Odd America.

TODAY IN ODD AMERICA

TIOA music fades in.

RYDER

Today in Odd America we find ourselves onboard the USS Franklin D. Roosevelt - or ‘the Swanky Franky’ as some sailors called her. The ship’s location - “Yankee Station” - off the coast of Vietnam. The year - 1967.

A beat.

RYDER

Our story involves two sailors who worked the night watch. A second class culinary specialist by the name of Rodgers.

And a third class hospital corpsman named Quincy. Rodgers ran the aft mess deck from the late dinner to breakfast. Quincy stood watch in Medical over night. But both would take a smoke break around 0200. The smoke deck could be a lonely place at that hour. Frequently it was only Rodgers and Quincy out there at that time. Over weeks and then months of meeting they became friends. As they'd smoke they'd talk - about what they missed back home. Girls mostly. Complain about their chains of command. They had these conversations nearly every watch. But one night, Quincy met Rodgers and something was wrong. His eyes searched out into the water. He was quiet and didn’t respond to anything Rodgers said. Rodgers dismissed it - Probably didn’t sleep well, that’s all - Rodgers thought. Quincy was no better the night after. If anything - worse. Rodgers asked him what was wrong. “A dream I had,” Quincy said. He wouldn't elaborate further.

A beat.

RYDER

The next night, Quincy met Rodgers on the smoke deck in his dress blues. There was no reason to wear that uniform out to sea unless you’re going to captain’s mast. Rodgers asked Quincy if he was in trouble. “None at all,” he said. His eyes were glazed over. His voice monotone. “In fact tonight is a night to celebrate,” Rodgers asked him what for. “For the past few nights, I’ve talked to this woman,” Quincy said. “She’s beautiful. The most beautiful woman I’ve ever met. And she loves me. And I love her.” “We’re out to sea,” Rodgers said. “There’s no women within miles of the ship.”

“You’re wrong,” Quincy said. “She follows us, beneath the water.

She has the most beautiful yellow eyes - almost luminescent”

“Quincy, you’re sounding crazy,” Rodgers said. “She’s perfect, Rodgers. In every way. She said she heard me when I dreamed. Heard my thoughts. Heard my memories. Everything about me. And she loves me. Everything about me, Rodgers. In my dreams - I’ve spent years with her already. It’s time. It’s time I go to her.” He walked closer to the side of the ship. “Don’t go doing what you’re thinking of doing,” Rodgers said and crept behind his friend - afraid to make a sudden move.

“Come with me,” Quincy said and offered his hand. “I’m sure there are others like her beneath the water. One of them will hear your thoughts and dreams and think you’re perfect too. Wouldn’t that be so much better than all this?”

Rodgers clutched Quincy’s hand and pulled him away from the side of the ship. Tried to put him in a bear hug. He screamed, “HELP ON THE SMOKE DECK. I NEED HELP ON THE SMOKE DECK.” But while some of Rodgers’s focus was on getting help, Quincy’s sole effort was to escape Rodger’s grip. And he succeeded.

A beat.

He jumped.

A beat.

RYDER

Rodgers called man overboard.

But before he did… he looked out into the water. For a moment -just a moment - he thought he saw shining yellow eyes in the water. Staring up at him. But they disappeared. A search and rescue operation launched. Quincy’s body was not recovered. Rodgers told his chain of command what Quicny had said - told anyone who'd listen.

Rodgers was flown off the ship and sent to shore-side medical. Ship doctor's dismissed his rantings of a yellow eyes in the water and Quicny's story as grief or perhaps a psychotic break.

A beat.

RYDER

But after Rodgers left the Roosevelt, eight more sailors leapt overboard - their bodies never to be found. Files on the overboard deaths the Roosevelt experienced remain classified to this day.

A beat.

TIOA music cuts out.

RYDER

And now back to our main show.

ACT II

RYDER

All right, we're back and we have a caller on the line. Why don't you tell us your name and what supernatural problem you're facing.

DANIELLE

I'm Danielle ... and... my wallpaper.... there's something off about it.

RYDER

Danielle, I believe you've called into the wrong show-

DANIELLE

(interrupts)

No. No - I haven't. Sorry. Let me explain: I buy and flip houses. No, I mean, that's not true. I'm an accountant. I don't make that much money. Maybe I'm not a very good accountant? But I watch a lot of HGTV. Shows where people buy and flip houses, and I thought, "Hey, I could do that.

That looks exciting and fun and profitable." So I bought a fixer-upper sight unseen. And then I went to it... and now I've seen it. There's this *intense* wallpaper pattern that's in every room.

RYDER

(interrupts)

You still haven't convinced me you meant to call into my show.

DANIEL

(blurts out)

There's a man in the wallpaper.

A beat.

DANIELLE

In the paisley pattern. The wallpaper in every room is paisley.

RYDER

(curious)

Go on.

DANIELLE

I got the keys to the house a few days ago and have been coming by after work. The first night, a lot of the lights were broken and I couldn't see the interior all that well. The next night, I came with new light bulbs. That's when I found out there's paisley wallpaper everywhere. Someone must've really loved that pattern. That second night, after I put a bulb in the master bedroom, there was something different about the paisley design in the room. Underneath the... teardrop? - the main part of the pattern, whatever it is...

RYDER

A cypress tree.

DANIELLE

I'm sorry?

RYDER

The primary recurring image in paisley is a cypress tree.

DANIELLE

(joking)

I thought you said I called into the wrong show?

RYDER

Paisley has occult connotations. Not unlike the pyramid with the eye on the back of one dollar bills. But please, go on with your story.

DANIELLE

Oh... Well... In the master bedroom's wallpaper pattern, there was a man next to all the cypress trees that repeated throughout the room. I'd never seen that design before. Not that I've ever really taken the time to examine paisley patterns... but something about it wasn't right. The man... I guess he was leaning against the cypress tree.

RYDER

The man who stands in the shade of the cypress tree.

DANIELLE

That's what people call him? The man in my wallpaper?

RYDER

He has different names in different cultures, but that's the most common. Continue.

DANIELLE

The man - he was just simple lines. Not a lot of detail - like the rest of the pattern in that room. The man's face. It moved so slowly... I thought I was imagining it. A visual trick of some kind. But his face turned toward me. And he blinked. The light bulb broke, and the room went dark. I put a new bulb in, but after I did the pattern had changed. There was no longer a man standing next to the cypress tree. I ran out the room. Ran out of th house. I've been afraid to go back since.

A beat.

RYDER

Well I'd be frightened to if that happened to me.

DANIELLE

What is he? The man who stands in the shade of the cypress tree? Is he a demon or spirit or something?

RYDER

Do you know where the paisley design comes from?

DANIELLE

(uncertain)

Jane Austen times? It feels like a pattern Mr. Darcy would have in Pemberley.

RYDER

Far older. And Persian. The cypress tree design comes from the Zoroastrians. The origin of the man who stands in shade is less clear. Strangely despite the Zoroastrian roots of the cypress tree, the Abrahamic faiths offer the most popular explanation for the man in the shade. Apocryphal Gnostic texts claim a son of Cain snuck back into the garden of Eden to eat from the tree of life which granted immortality. For attempting this, God cursed Cain's son to forever stand beneath the tree - a cypress tree. And so to this day he remains.

DANIELLE

Even if that were true, why would he be in my wallpaper?

RYDER

Mystics, warlocks, magicians of all types have used the paisley pattern as part of rituals to channel him. Mostly in attempts to gain everlasting life. I imagine the previous owner of your house was doing such. Do you know what happened to them?

DANIELLE

No. No, they disappeared and the house was foreclosed. The ritual they had to do to summon the man in the shade... is it hard?

RYDER

Extraordinarily so.

DANIELLE

So that means my wallpaper is... valuable?

RYDER

That's not a question that is even relevant. We need to destroy all the paisley in your house to unlink the man in the shade from there. Now, I know a-

DANIELLE

(interrupts)

No. I'm not letting you help me.

RYDER

You called into this show looking for my help.

DANIELLE

No. I mean. Not that kind of help. I don't want you sending creepy spiders to me or whatever you did to the last person who called into the show.

RYDER

That was a special circumstance. And in this case nothing like that is even-

DANIELLE

(interrupts)

No. I don't trust you. I don't want you coming to my house. Or sending anything to me that might hurt me. And besides... maybe I should get a second opinion. See if some other supernatural person thinks maybe the wallpaper might be worth something. I mean, I bought this place to make money.

RYDER

Danielle, you cannot-

Hangs up.

A beat.

RYDER

Danielle, if you're still listening, I'd advise against doing whatever you're thinking of doing. If you put out an ad on craigslist or anything on the internet claiming you have a connection to the man who stands in the shade - you will bring the wrong sort of person to your door. Those who seek immortality are willing to sacrifice anything - and anyone - to get it. Feel free to call me back if you want the situation handled properly. I promise you'll come to no harm.

A beat.

RYDER

And that is all the time we have for our show this evening. Feel free to reach out to us on twitter @vfdarkness with any otherworldly questions you have or call in next time on A Voice From Darkness.

Outro Music.

[isitcoldinhereisitjusthephan]

Dizzy Future

AO3 Link

It had been a normal lazy Sunday for Dan and Phil. Dan had been out running a few errands while Phil was at home nursing a bit of a headache after partaking in Bonfire Night activities the night before. Dan was trying to hurry and finish his errands so he could get back and cuddle Phil. He never liked being far away from Phil, especially when he knew Phil was in pain when his phone went off.

Philly <3: I think I just blacked out for minute. I was going to get some paramedical and next thing I knew I was on the bathroom floor -_- Do you think I should go to A&E?

Dan’s face paled. He was never great in emergencies. Instead of messily typing a reply and dealing with terrible auto corrects he shakily called Phil.

“Hellu?” Phil answered.

“At least he sounds normal” Dan thought to himself.

“Wh- what do you mean you blacked out?” Dan asked, his voice wavering more than he’d like.

“I uh, was watching bake off and went to get something for my headache and next thing I knew I was waking up on the floor of the bathroom.”

“Ok, uh did you hit your head? How long were you out? Are you bleeding?” A panic-stricken Dan asked each question coming out more rushed than the last.

“Whoa whoa whoa, slow down Dan! I don’t think I hit my head, nothings bleeding and I think I was out for like 2 minutes. When I came to the commercial break was over on bake off. Should I go to A&E?”

“Umm yes! Do you want me to call 999 for you?”  Dan asked, already sprinting towards home.

“No no, I’m fine. I’ll just go downstairs and get a cab, it’ll be faster.”

“Ok, but please, please stay on the phone with me so I know you’re safe.” Dan said in a near whimper as he flagged down his own taxi.

“Of course Bear”

About an hour later both men were sat in a small private room.  A nurse had recognized them and made sure they were quickly put into a room before too many pictures could end up on twitter. Usually Dan hated getting special treatment, especially when he could see a grandma who had chopped the tip of her finger off waiting to see a doctor, but when it came to Phil’s well being, he would take any advantage he could get.

“And there we go,” The nurse said screwing up the last vile of blood he had just taken from Phil.

“Right, I’ll be back in a bit with the test results. Is there anything you need Mr. Lester?” the doctor asked Phil.

“Umm, neither of you happen to have an iPhone charger do you?” Phil asked sheepishly

“Uh no we don’t. Sorry. But if you find one feel free to use the outlet right there.” The nurse pointed to the wall.

“Oh okay thanks” Phil mumbled. The doctor then walked out mumbling something about “that darn internet generation.”

As soon as the door shut Phil grabbed Dan’s hand and stroked his knuckles with his thumb.

“I’ll uh, go to the gift shop and see if they had a phone charger” Dan whispered looking down at the floor.

“Ok” Phil said calmly. “Dan… Dan look at me please.”

Dan’s glassy brown eyes slowly met his blue one.

“I’m okay,” Phil whispered.

Dan nodded slowly. “I’ll be back.” Dan said even quieter, closing the door as he left.

Dan absolutely hated hospitals. The smell, the whiteness, and the constant death in the air. They made him uneasy, especially when a loved one was in hospital. His mind began to wander, which always lead to worry. What if Phil wasn’t okay? What if hit his head and has a brain bleed? What if he has a tumour that caused him to faint? What if his heart stopped working for a second? What if he died?

Dan hadn’t really been paying attention to where he was going and suddenly he was face to face with a room of babies. He didn’t really think this kind of place existed outside of TV shows and movies but here he was staring down about 20 newborn babies all swaddled in blue and white hospital blankets. Dan loved babies. Actually he, FRICKEN LOVED babies. He and Phil had been talking a lot about finding a surrogate or adopting recently. Dan would be happy with either option, so long as he ended up with a snuggly little bub that called him daddy and Phil papa. But secretly he want’s a little Phil running around. He knows Phil wants a little Dan running around but Dan couldn’t do that to a child. He’d struggled enough thanks to his genetics. If he could spare someone else from feeling like this he would, even if it meant not biologically fathering a child.

But what if this was all a pipe dream? What if Phil never walked out of these hospital doors? Then Dan would be alone.

No. He had to stop thinking like that. Wiping his eyes with the back of his hand he headed off toward the gift shop again.

It had been a half an hour since Dan and left and Phil was starting to get worried. His phone was at 9% battery and frankly he was lonely and a little scared. The door creaked open and suddenly there was a Dan sitting on his lap, burying his head into Phil’s neck.

“I got your charger.” Dan murmured into Phil’ neck.

“Thanks,” Phil’s fingers finding their way into Dan’s soft curls. “What’s going on in there bear?”

“What if it’s a tumour? What if you die? What if I’m alone? What about all those dreams we’ve been talking about?”

“Bear, bear, bear! Stop. I’m fine. The doctor will be here any moment to tell me it was just low blood sugar or something like that.”

“Exactly like that actually.” The doctor said. “ Sorry I hope I am not interrupting anything boys.”

“Oh no, nothing at all.” Phil said as he slid Dan off his lap.

“Right, well, eat this jelly, drink this orange juice and we’ll come check you vitals in a half an hour.”

“Ok thank you!” Phil said taking the food from the doctor.

As the door closed Phil returned his gaze to Dan.

“See Daniel? I’m fine.” Phil said taking Dan’s hand again. “Why don’t you lie down on that bed? You look like you could use a rest. I’ll wake you before the doctor comes back.”

“Fine. I’ll lie down but I’m not sleeping. I’m making sure you don’t pass out on me again.” Dan said as he laid on his side, fingers still tangled in Phil’s.

“Love you too.” Said Phil as he pressed a kiss to Dan’s forehead pulling out his phone to document this for Instagram.

[kimnamjooonz]

Blank Space - Episode 1.

Okay, here’s the first episode of the thing I wrote. 

Episode 1 - Hold Up 

''Hold Up, they don't love you like I love you.''

On the outskirts of the town of Caernarfon in North Wales there was a little farm that belonged to a Aloisius and Helen Ward-Prowse a lovely couple that had made a living out of selling sheep's wool. Around their lovely house there were pictures of two raven haired children: tall and muscular yet inexpressive Clint, and Amanda, the lively and expressive girl that was slowly becoming a grown woman. Amanda Ward-Prowse was the darling of his parents and the soft spot of her strong and mighty brother. But it wasn't as if she needed protecting. as she could take care of herself perfectly well. Sometimes she was more intimidating than her rugby player brother. At 25, Amanda was an accomplished actress that could presume of having moderate success as in many Shakespeare plays but still hadn't had the chance of doing something big with her acting career. That's why she had decided to start from the bottom and audition for a place at the Royal Academy of Dramatic Arts, in London. She had come a long way from starring in her school plays or the summer lessons at the prestigious Cardiff College of Music and Drama, even starring in many plays at the Shakespeare's Globe and small roles in British TV shows or soap operas. But her first important role had come from the Royal Shakespeare Company that offered her one of the main roles in a production of Richard III. That's how she ended up on the stage of the dreamy Royal Shakespeare Theatre. And to that, several productions followed, peaking in a version of Macbeth starring none other than Ian McKellen. Amanda had got dazzling reviews with her performance as Lady Macbeth and reviewers were asking when she'd finally have her big break. One year later, she was still waiting for it while preparing a series of complicated auditions to one of the most prestigious drama schools in the world. It was currently July and Amanda was facing the biggest challenge of her career yet: the final audition. On that warm summer night, Amanda and her best friend Taylor Bevan were just planning the schedule for the next days. Taylor had been her right hand since their school days. From the days Taylor kept saying that she was going to be Amanda's agent when they grew up. They were both sitting on the bed at Amanda's bedroom. This place had changed little since she was a kid. The walls were covered with pictures of herself at different plays, with the animals of the farm, of that time she had won the Caernarfon Junior Challenge of Chopping wood with an axe (she still kept the trophy among the ones she had got from acting) and the picture with Sir Ian McKellen. The only different picture there, was of Amanda's favourite actor since 2013: Sebastian Stan. His picture was between one of Amanda playing Lady Macbeth and another of herself hugging one of her cats. She had an unhealthy obsession with Sebastian in a particular way. She had fan accounts dedicated to him even though she never lusted over him on the Internet (maybe a couple of thirst tweets but that was all). She just tagged him in some posts on Instragram from time to time, captioned with sweet words telling him how much he meant to her. Also, she had never been one of those people who sent hate to any of his former girlfriends even though she had been jealous as hell and she couldn't help it. She had just wanted to grab the axe and kill a bitch. But those thoughts were never expressed out loud. She smiled thru the pain and went on with her life. And she wasn't damaging anyone. Well, maybe herself. God be praised that the guy was single now. Taylor knew about that even though Amanda hardly ever talked about it. Sometimes she wondered if it was sane for Amanda to be so attached to a guy so unattainable but then... she had the weird feeling that Sebastian Stan wasn't so impossible for Amanda Ward-Prowse. She had worked with people like Ian McKellen before, working with Sebastian Stan someday wasn't at all impossible. Amanda was rereading the lines of her monologue for the thousandth time with one of her cats curling on her chest. She had decided to play it safe and had chosen a piece of Lady Macbeth, a role that she had done many times before under more stressful circumstances. ''Take that furry thing out of the bed, he's shedding black fur all over it.'' Taylor grunted. ''Which one is this, by the way?'' ''Sir Frances Drake'' Amanda cuddled the black cat closer to her chest. ''Really, Taylor. You almost live at this house and you don't know the names of the cats?'' she rolled her eyes. ''Tay, can you take a look at my Twitter and see if I have any notifications?'' ''Your twitter is basically a fan account by now. If you make it to the RADA you'll have to change it.'' ''I was planning to have a stage name. Something more impressive than Amanda Ward-Prowse.'' she went on reading the monologue. In Taylor's opinion that was a complete waste of time. Who needed silly social media when she was about to have the most important audition of her life? And the only notification she could have was someone informing the breaking news that Sebastian Stan had eaten a sandwich or something of the sort. And she was partially right. But the news had nothing to do with sandwiches at all. They were more like Sebastian Stan having a date with some mystery woman. For the twits that Taylor could read, there were hundreds of young women thinking that this was an absolute catastrophe. Taylor wanted to laugh. How could they be so silly? It wasn't as if they could date the guy themselves any time soon. Her expression changed when she remembered that Amanda was one of those people who was going to mourn the fact that Sebastian Stan had a girlfriend. ''Why do you have that face?'' Amanda asked with a bit of suspicion. ''Nothing''. Unfortunately Taylor couldn't act or lie decently. Amanda took the phone out of her hands and glanced at the screen. Taylor got ready for any dramatic outburst Amanda may have but it never came. Taylor wondered what was happening. ''So, are you going to say something?'' ''No, why?'' Amanda looked genuinely confused. ''I mean, your celebrity crush has a girlfriend...'' ''And?'' Amanda's voice wasn't even harsh or resigned. It was just indifferent. ''Are you taking me as one of those people who send hate or believe that they may have a chance with him. Let's be realistic, Taylor. That's never going to happen. Now, I have to focus in the audition if I want to succeed in something.'' This was so unlike Amanda that it scared Taylor a little. Where was the obsessive and attached Amanda? Maybe she was too absorbed in nailing her audition. ''This doesn't sound like you. I thought you were part of the 'Let me have your children, Sebastian' club.'' Amanda let the script apart and looked at her friend. ''Really, Taylor? You think that low of me? I'm a professional actress that worked with Ian McKellen. Do you think my biggest concern in this life is having Sebastian Stan's children? Not that I could, even if I wanted to.'' she added. Taylor wanted to punch herself in the face. She was scared that she had said something insensible. ''I'm sorry for that. Sometimes I forget because you speak so lightly about your own body that no one can't take you seriously.'' ''Because there's nothing wrong with it. We all should all be proud of our bodies.'' And there was no doubt that Amanda was proud of hers. She loved her pitch black hair, the stunning pair of deep blue eyes (that in a certain angle looked purple), her tiny waist and long legs. ''Yeah, but remember that not everyone looks like you. Your legs age longer than half of my body. Empathy was never your strength, Amanda.'' She just shrugged her shoulders and looked at the time. ''It's ten. We should go to bed. We have a long day tomorrow.'' ''Just rest. Don't stay up too late watching Doctor Who, Sherlock, Torchwood or any of those shows you like.'' ''I won't'' and Amanda was telling the truth. Whenever Taylor wanted to stay at the Ward-Prowse house she used Amanda's brother's old room. Clint had moved to Cardiff two years ago, he had a wife and played for Cardiff's top rugby team. It seemed that the Ward-Prowse siblings couldn't conform with a normal life and a normal job, they always had to be in the spotlight. ''Okay, we leave tomorrow at six. Please Amanda, don't look hangover.'' ''Who cares if I do? The audition is not tomorrow. And London is full of people with killer hangovers, I won't be the exception.'' ''Whatever'' Taylor left, leaving Amanda alone. Amanda made sure that Taylor was not coming back, grabbed a pillow and threw it at the picture of Sebastian Stan she had on the wall. ''You... bloody idiot!'' she hissed. She knew she had no absolute right of reacting like this but... she was alone in her room where she could vent out her emotions. ''You were better single why the hell would you need a girlfriend. You killed the magic!'' And it was true. The whole fun of having celebrity crushes was to try to reach the unreachable and making stupid dreams inside your head that were never going to happen. But with a freaking girlfriend in the middle, it was just not the same. Except that if she, Amanda, were the girlfriend. But unfortunately she wasn't. She was stuck in Caernarfon, talking to a picture of him. ''Why I have to be so idiotic?'' she buried his face in the pillow for a little while. ''Just stop with the bullshit, Ward-Prowse. You have a bright future, who cares about Sebastian Stan.'' Then she imagined him dating a little nobody, even less known than she was and her blood boiled. Yes, she could accept him dating Emma Watson or Hayley Atwell or a Victoria's Secret angel. But a nobody? Hell, no. Of course she wasn't entitled to an opinion and she wasn't going to say it out loud anyway. This rant was between her and her room walls. It was useless but who on earth cared. She went to Youtube to watch Beyonce's Hold Up music video. It featured Beyonce with a baseball bat hitting things while singing lyrics like 'What's worse, looking jealous or crazy, jealous or crazy?' . Well, she was both. And also ashamed of herself for pulling this stunt even though no one was there to see it. She kept the song on repeat until she fell asleep. Or maybe she never fell asleep and all the weird stuff that was into her head weren't dreams. Taylor found her at five a.m half asleep and half awake, looking like a zombie. When Amanda noticed her presence she immediately turned off the music. If Taylor found out that Amanda had been listening to Beyonce, she was going to guess what was happening in two seconds. And that was embarrassing as hell. ''I just couldn't sleep. I'm nervous'' she normally hated to admit that she was nervous. But it was better than to admit that she had spent the whole night being a jealous ass bitch. ''I was just listening to some Coldplay. They always calm me down.'' Seconds later Amanda's mum showed up. ''Clint just called me. He has some food to give you before you take the train to London.'' ''We're saved'' said Amanda. ''I really didn't want to eat some cheap cookies from the store. Lila may be a local but at least she can cook'' Lila was Clint's wife, a nice simple girl that Amanda considered a local. In her opinion, the dazzling Clint Ward-Prowse deserved better. But of course she had never voiced her opinions out loud. ''Don't call Lila a local'' her mother reprimanded her. ''Just because she doesn't have the same ambitions as you, doesn't make her less of a person. You have too much to learn...'' she added when she saw Amanda rolling her eyes. ''Not everyone wants to be a film star and win BAFTAs and cover British Vogue, Amanda.'' But Amanda wasn't listening. She had her mind somewhere else. What if Sebastian Stan's new girlfriend was a similar version of Lila? No, please, no. Anything but a local, please Sebastian, don't be an idiot. ''Amanda!'' Taylor yelled. ''We have to leave.'' Amanda's parents drove them to the station and they immediately caught a train to Cardiff. Cardiff was Amanda's second home. She had stayed there countless of time while attending special drama lessons at the Royal Academy of Music and Drama there. Also, Doctor Who was filmed there and once she had been lucky enough to score a little role in an episode. It was just a couple of lines for one scene but she had met Matt Smith and Karen Gillan that day. In the train, she was swearing to herself that one day she'll be in Cadiff filming Doctor Who again but this time she'd be the Doctor. Fourteenth or Fifteenth Doctor was good to her. Though the window she glanced at the familiar outline of the city of Cardiff. She smiled, forgetting about bloody Sebastian Stan or her ambitions for a second. Sooner than she had wanted, they got to the train station. She immediately spotted Clint standing at the platform. ''Manda! Looking so happy, as always.'' he said with sarcasm, noticing Amanda's expression. ''She didn't sleep'' added Taylor, blushing a little. Yes, she had a boyfriend and he had a wife but Clint Ward-Prowse was still bloody gorgeous. She was a bit taller than his sister and with a thicker complexion. He had the same pitch black hair as Amanda. The main difference between them were the eye colour. Amanda's eyes were dark blue while Clint's icy blue. ''Typical Amanda. Were you watching Doctor Who or Sherlock?'' ''Any of them. And I slept for a couple of hours.'' she lied. Of course that she was not going to admit that she had spent the night listening to Beyonce. ''Whatever'' he rolled his eyes. ''Lila send you this. She couldn't come, for some reason.'' he said with sarcasm. Of course that he was aware the sisters in law weren't the best friends on earth. They were just too different to agree on anything. They all knew that Lila hadn't made that handmade cookies to Amanda. They were for Taylor, who in Lila's eyes was a much normal and decent person than her sister in law. But Clint was never in a million years going to side against his little sister. Amanda had been the jewel of the family since she was born and this was not going to change. ''We have to leave.'' she hugged her brother tightly. Next time you see me I'll be a RADA alumni. Keep the faith.'' ''I'll never lose faith in you. You're the star of the family. Now go. Bye Taylor, take care of her.'' ''Of course.'' Clint had always been overprotective of Amanda. When they were kids he was her personal bodyguard. He was never going to stop caring about his little sister. ''Amanda, this is the first step to stardom, don't forget it.'' She smiled with confidence before getting lost into the crowd.

P.S. Here we have Amanda being the dramatic fuck she is. 

[feitclub]

who knows what closet obsessions lurk within the hearts of men? Certainly not me.

--The following blog post appeared on feitclub dot com (it’s not mine anymore, don’t go there) ten years ago. I read it today and felt like I should reshare it with the world.--

I was riding the train this morning and taking in the human scenery around me when I made this observation via Twitter:

sitting on a train across from a man (NOT a teen) reading a pro wrestling magazine. Even when I was a fan I knew those mags were crap.

In hindsight this sounds harsh but it wasn't meant as a strict judgment of the man, just his choice of reading material. And yet it took less than a second for his magazine of choice to color my whole opinion of him. I started looking at his hair and decided it was weird. I thought the way he ate his breakfast was comically ape-like. My entire opinion of a stranger was dependent on his method of passing time during his morning commute. All this from a man who used to be one of those people who not only watched pro wrestling every week on television but actually spent a good deal of money on attending live events.

After looking across the aisle for a while, I glanced at the man next to me. He was wearing a suit and coat with a briefcase on his lap, and he was reading a Golgo 13 manga. This made more sense to me because Golgo 13 is awesome, but why? Just because I preferred one hobby over the other, I found one guy normal while the other was some kind of primate? That didn't sit right with me.

I know we all have our inner passions, many of which are far from mainstream. Earlier this same morning, I read the following message from Robert Ashley on Twitter:

"... is overrated" is one of the emptiest phrases in the English language. People love everything too much. That's fandom.

As much as I agree with his first point (the Internet is awash with cynical morons who declare "[popular thing] is overrated" ad nauseum) his second point is what echoed inside my head on the train. Falling in love with something means getting excited about it beyond the "appropriate" attention level as decided by the masses. Even those niche hobbies that are considered mainstream, like baseball, have their own subculture of intense statistical analysts and historical archivists whose enthusiasm would not have much in common with the casual fan.

Looking back on my own life, I've had my share of (unhealthy?) hobbies and interests over the years. Overlooking my fondness for certain toy lines as a boy, when I was a teenager I spent my free time playing a lot of video games and watching a lot of Star Trek. While I always had at least one friend who shared my enthusiasm at the time, I always had at least two friends who weren't interested at all. There were video game friends and Star Trek friends, but not both. I would bounce between hobbies and fluctuate my passion depending on the company I kept.

Last night I was watching the latest episode of House which featured an unusual "patient of the week" who had lost all impulse control and said whatever came to his mind. This led to a lot of awkward conversations where he insulted his clients, pointed out the doctors' physical attributes (good and bad), and clashed with his wife about her charity work. But hidden amongst the sitcom-level gimmickry was one interesting idea: what is this man's real personality? If this is what he thinks about all day but he chose not to say it before, does that mean he's always been a raging asshole? Or is the way he decided to behave his actual self?

We all have our own little quirks and habits, and we all shift our behavior depending on who we spend time with. Your average man is not going to comment aloud on a new attractive coworker in the office, no matter how striking she may be, but he will certainly bring it up around his friends afterwards. I know my wife talks a certain way around me, a different way around her parents, and yet another way when she talks to her friends. Which one is the "real" Mako? Likewise, I behave in a certain fashion while at home and in a very different fashion when I attend the Tokyo Game Show. Was her panic concerning my gaming around New Year's really a frightened reaction to seeing too much of my geekiness?

I can't help but wonder if the world would be a better place if we had fewer social pressures to keep our interests bottled up. "Honesty is the best policy" isn't always necessarily true, as evidenced by the guy on House, but isn't more honesty better than less? What if Trekkies could wear Starfleet uniforms in public as casually as sports fans wear team jerseys? What if Danny Choo was just one of a million Star Wars fans who dressed up in stormtrooper armor on the weekends?

I honestly believe that half of the people going to conventions are just looking to be "themselves" for a few hours around people who won't judge them so harshly. I've been to more than one Star Trek convention in my life and I assure you, there's not much to do there. Maybe you get to hear one of the actors speak, maybe you even get an autograph, but the reason I kept going back was the opportunity it presented to just immerse myself in all things nerdy. The exact same thing is true now with my love of Den Den Town. I almost never buy anything but I love being surrounded by old games and marveling at the passion surrounding that old technology.

So go ahead - take this chance to leave a confession in the comments section. What hobbies or interests do you feel uncomfortable sharing with everyone? It's the Internet, let yourself go!

PS: What was I doing on the train this morning? Listening to my iPod, specifically a playlist made up entirely of Neo Geo music. Hell yeah.

[davidmann95]

I haven't been able to tolerate a comics news site since ComicsAlliance shut down so what news out of SDCC is actually worth knowing about?

I’ve gotten so many questions regarding SDCC-related news that I figured I’d just do one big post, and this seems as opportune an ask to build that off of as any. To kick off, in terms of news that’s not for me but is a big deal, there’s a trailer for the next season of Doctor Who, and Star Wars: Clone Wars is shockingly coming back for a final reduced season years after the fact. Congrats to the fans of both franchises! Plus yesterday we got the announcement of Orlando and Foreman’s Electric Warriors for DC (as well as Orlando’s Dead Kings with Matt Smith at Aftershock Comics) and the Wonder Woman/Justice League Dark October crossover.

So first and foremost in terms of the reaction it picked up, OH MY GOD:

It’s like the Bat In The Sun team handed over their production to their shitty kids but made them work off a third of the budget. I kept seeing the jokes about it on Twitter, and I kept thinking they were surely hilarious exaggerations, AND NOT A ONE OF THEM EVEN SLIGHTLY WAS. At least it now makes sense why Hawk and Dove is here, given the Liefeld connection: this is 90s as helllllllllllllllllllllll, and while a part of me hopes it swerves unexpectedly in a couple seasons into Fun 90s DC with Starman and Wally West and an Electric Blue Superboy and Titans One Million, I can’t pretend I wouldn’t gleefully hatewatch this if it wasn’t behind a paywall. What it really comes down to is that, as I saw someone mention, the over-the-top content warning at the beginning isn’t actually by any means to get rid of anyone under 18, but specifically to appeal to them over anyone over it: there is nothing about this show not precision-crafted to appeal to teenagers watching something they technically aren’t supposed to, since anyone older than that will just laugh until the stars grow cold. And while it’s one line in particular that’s rightfully drawn all the attention, to me the clear defining moment is Beast Boy taking his big goofy dramatic leap, and you expect him to transform, but that ain’t happening (I fully expect he’ll just have claws and growl and do assorted Wolverine shit instead), because that kind of thing is for STUPID KIDS, whereas this is RAD. 

RAD, dare I say…to the EXTREME.

Also, the pilot Robin’s scene was presumably drawn from was written by Akiva Goldsman, Greg Berlanti, and Geoff Johns. So was it the guy behind Batman & Robin, the guy behind the CWverse, or the recent President of DC Comics who ushered FUCK BATMAN into the world? Because all three of those possibilities are equally hilarious. In any case, the rubicon has been crossed: easily one of the top ten, probably one of the five or so most iconic superheroes of all time said fuck in a piece of mass media. Where we go from here, nobody knows. But at the very least I’ll take the L for my original certainty that this would take place in the CW DCverse, because that clearly isn’t going to be the case. Though boy, imagine if it was. Personally I like to imagine this is a totally normal DCU, and suddenly going full 90s and murdering a bunch of people is their universe’s version of normal teen rebellion.

Additionally, it’s now seemingly set in stone that the fourth DC Universe live-action show alongside Titans, Doom Patrol, and Swamp Thing will be a Stargirl show where Courtney Whitmore learns about her legacy and tries to track down the Justice Society, described as in the flavor of Superman ‘78 and Wonder Woman. Again, if it wasn’t behind a paywall I’d check it out.

And before turning to comics proper, we learned from WB itself that there are no plans to idiotically pour millions into making a functional Justice League Snyder cut a thing, unsurprisingly making some of the worst people on the internet be just the absolute worst (I’m interested myself in it artistically even if I don’t think it would be very good, but at this point it would feel like a validation of some really rotten people’s behavior if this happened). Meanwhile the first trailer for the Dragon Ball Super movie dropped, and yeah, I’m still happy to see Broly. This looks big in a way Dragon Ball for all its action rarely gets, and seeing Paragus suggests Toriyama understood what worked about the original flick, which is a very good sign. Did they swap out Vic Mignogna as Broly though? Wouldn’t blame him, I know he’s said he hates the part, but surprising nonetheless. And the Spider-Man game dropped another trailer, along with a ‘Velocity’ bonus suit designed by Adi Granov.

The big comics news of the day was of course the long-awaited confirmation that Green Lantern is being relaunched - apparently as The Green Lantern - in November by Grant Morrison and Liam Sharp. What’s surprising is that Morrison’s currently insisting that since the last decade or so of the franchise has dealt with constant upheaval and cosmic apocalypse, his run is going to scale back down to a character-focused study of Hal (“He’s a loner and a drifter and he’s an unreconstructed man. It was nice to do that and to go a little bit old-fashioned with it. He doesn’t belong here at all, you know? He’s longing for the heavens, and to be back up as a Green Lantern. We’re doing Hal Jordan where, you know he’s a good cop, but is he really a good guy? And we’re looking into his relationships and how he deals with people. And also the fact that, if you’ve got a job as a space cop, it’s hard to be stuck on the planet Earth. He has other lives on other planets.”) amidst him going about his duties and dealing with weird alien crimes and space threats, such as stopping aliens from ‘parking’ a planet-sized artificial megastructure near a sun and causing damage to nearby worlds, and solving the murder of a gaseous lifeform.

I doubt it’ll necessarily stay there forever - his Batman and Action Comics runs, after all, were both initially marketed as staying on the smaller side by his standards, and the one idea we know of Morrison having once had for the Green Lanterns back in the day was making them a multiversal force. But it’s remarkable how, well, normal this sounds coming from Morrison. Clearly this must be a passion project if he’s doing a monthly again for the first time in 5 years, especially since DiDio mentioned he had to be persuaded (ultimately persuading himself as his attempts to brush off the proposition led to him thinking about the possibilities and rapidly talking himself into it) to make time for this amidst an incredibly busy schedule of surely more profitable and creatively unshackled projects, but on the surface level? This sounds like the closest Morrison has come since his JLA days to writing a regular superhero comic. At this point in his career, I’m very, very curious what that’s going to look like. Just hoping he read the King/Shaner oneshot on whatever reread he surely went through to catch up on current continuity. And also hoping this guy was right that it’ll turn out “the REAL construct that was limited by our willpower and imagination all along was…REALITY.”

On smaller notes:

* Kelly Sue DeConnick and Robson Rocha are taking over Aquaman, with an opening arc that shows him washing up amnesiac on an isle of forgotten sea gods. DeConnick seems to be like the Jeffs Lemire and Parker where my appreciation of their work is limited to very, very specific slivers: none of her Marvel superhero stuff I’ve read did anything for me even if I could see the talent behind it, but her Lois story in the last issue of The Adventures of Superman was pitch-perfect (and also had a great Aquaman bit!). This gets at least an issue from me.

* DC announced new titles for DC Ink and DC Zoom, including Cassandra Cain, Oracle, Dick Grayson, Creeper, and Wonder Woman books, while also announcing some artists for the existing titles.

* Geoff Johns is doing (ugh) Shazam with Dave Eaglesham, who showed off a really great, fun cover suggesting the possibility of a tonal shift away from Johns writing the absolute worst version of that character imaginable. On the likelihood of said possibility though, I think @intergalactic-zoo put it best. I might just check it out in trade if word of mouth is overwhelmingly positive, but then, lots of otherwise rational people liked or at least saw merit in his original crack at it with Gary Frank, and you were all deliriously, impossibly wrong back then, too.

* And finally, speaking of Johns, he’s doing Batman: Three Jokers as a 3-issue mini with Jason Fabok, a smart move given that is precisely as much as I’m willing to invest in this out of morbid curiosity. What’s really baffling though is that it’s being released under Black Label. It would seem to destroy the stated purpose of the line by immediately releasing Very Important Continuity Comics under it, but maybe this means Batman’s gonna follow in his protege’s footsteps and say a fuck. Anyway, I’m mostly just hoping it isn’t revealed Fun Golden Age Joker is actually not the original in order to rub out the prospect that he was ever truly anything but a terrifying sidekick-butchering murder machine at the center of very serious stories, because that feels to be like a real possibility. And absolute no question one of the three is gonna turn out to be the lost child of Marionette and Mime in Doomsday Clock.

[neth-dugan]

Nine Worlds - Thursday

It’s been a week after it all ended I’m writing this up. I was pretty darn tired after the convention and work didn’t help much. There are also issues that arose within the convention that I wanted to think on some, wanted to read different voices. But we will get to that at the end. Each day is getting its own post so I may do that in a separate one.

At large, I had a fantastic time and loved it. In many respects it feels like going home, going to a place where I feel safe and accepted. I don’t feel uncomfortable for my size. I don’t feel weary about how men will treat me. I don’t feel scared to talk about my sexuality or the need to explain it every single bloody time. I know everyone is a giant nerd like me and so when I’m nervous and just babble about Star Trek too long or something, nobody will judge me for it. I understand not everyone has had the same experience as me there but for me this is it. This is why I will go back every year. This year I was roomies with both @knittedace and @laalratty which was pretty cool. 

PRIORITY ACCESS 

In the lead up to this year I’ve had some kind of viral thing. I had to take time off of work due to dizziness, had an inner ear viral thing that later turned into a more normal cold but was mostly gone by the con. But I did still get a few light headed moments and conventions are tiring which makes these things worse. On registration I tore off a priority access sticker in case I needed it. Still on its backing sheet I stuck it into my phone just in case. 

I ended up needing it. I used it pretty sparingly and even so felt bad, though the access people were all ‘yeah, we don’t want you falling over’. But it did make things a lot easier a few times when I was on my way to a panel but had to go slower or just stop for a while. And I was no doubt on the lower ends of folk with access needs. I was going to put a gif here but the ones that fit best would probably make others feel not great.

THURSDAY Though Nine Worlds officially starts on Friday, there are usually a couple of events on Thursday evening and lots of us turn up that day if we live far away and want to get to early morning events on the Friday. I left around noon on a train to London and wasn’t able to sit comfortably as a bloke was man spreading and I didn’t feel comfortable asking him to stop, and there was no other seat. Whilst I was on the train I found out via twitter that there was something going with the Intoxication panel. The moderator of that was on one of my panels last year and I have them on Facebook (who swallowed their post) and I was not pleased about what I was hearing.

I got a text from @knittedace saying that she and @laalratty were at the train station waiting for me, they got into London at a different station but the tube needed intersected with mine and there they were. Complete with a sign with my name on it.

.... I couldn’t find a gif with someone holding a sign at arrivals. 

We got to the hotel, and the staff there seem to actually like us and not look down on us which is great. I recently found out that one of the people involved since the beginning drew up some training for them when we first arrived around equalities and such which is pretty awesome. In any case, we go up to our room to find the pull out sofa bed already made up and this was to be my bed for the weekend. I’m not used to sleeping with others, and I was still a bit ill so it seemed for the best. Whilst my roomies went out to check something out locally and then get drenched in the rain I stayed behind, read, rested up. But, eventually, it was time for sign up to start. We went to the lobby, waited in line and before long had our goodies, overlays, pronouns and the like. All set up and ready to go in time for the opening events. 

Whilst @laalratty was off to the quiz, me and @knittedace decided to go to the Cheese and Cheese event. In which there is cheese to be eaten and cheese to to be read out. We also found @unwoundbobbin who I knew mostly from Twitter and had met at last year’s con. She was going to go to the quiz at first but we convinced her otherwise! And so off the three of us went to consume multiple kinds of cheese. Before the session proper started the three of us and others were playing Slash with my customised deck. Some hadn’t played it before, but it’s easy to pick up on. 

It was tons of fun. There were the traditional readings from the Bulwer-Lytton Fiction Contest for opening lines. A hilarious story about Biden and Obama after they leave office and various other things. The rule is only published works, unless it’s something you yourself wrote. So people can’t pick on fanfic writers they don’t like. @knittedace read a fantastic Doctor Who crack fic, edited down for time but still glorious. Someone then went to read a story they’d written as a teenager which inspired me to go read the oldest published bit of fan fic I have on the internet. It is overly descriptive, you can’t tell which fandom it is let alone the characters, and definitely cheesy.  Seriously, I love that session. Thankfully I didn’t laugh-cough my lungs up like last year but I still laughed a LOT. There was also a medallion that each reader wore as they read their thing out. And as the session went on, we collectively and without discussion started going magical/mystical/heavenly choir heralding of the prestigious undertaking whenever someone put it on. 

After it ended we went to meet up with @laalratty whose team came third in the quiz. And for a while we played more Slash! I love this game and can only really play it at conventions so I treasure it. Also, the way that me, @knittedace and @laalratty play it there are basically no rules. Just fun and taking turns. I love it so much. Eventually people agreed it was time for bed though and so we went. Slight problem - I couldn’t get to sleep. I was tossing and turning for ages. I’d start to nod off but weak up scared I was making noises (hint: I apparently snore a bit) but also the mattress and pillows aren’t anything like mine. It got to 3am and I had enough.

I have distinct memories of being told that if you can’t sleep, don’t stay in bed because you then don’t link it to sleep. So I pulled on a skirt and shirt in near utter darkness, and got out of the room as silently as I could. It turns out that @knittedace was awake and so heard me leave but I wasn’t aware at the time. I went downstairs, haunted reception in my bare feet, slightly surprised a cleaning person in the loo and just hung around until I could barely keep my eyes open. Went back to bed and got a couple hours sleep after I eventually fell to sleep.

And that was Thursday! I’m probably not going to be as detailed in the next few days but who knows. But most of this day was meeting up and things starting.

[GO TO FRIDAY HERE]

[chasholidays]

bellarke last man on earth au please!

Before the virus hits, Clarke can count on one hand the number of patients she’s seen die. Death happens, of course, at the hospital, but she doesn’t witness it often. She’s a gynecologist who doesn’t deal with births, and if she finds a life-threatening problem with one of her patients, she refers them to someone else.

Specialties don’t really matter, once the virus hits. It’s all hands on deck, and it’s still not enough. It’s a horror movie played in fast forward, quarantines breaking down, patients dying before they make it to the hospital, doctors becoming patients in spite of every precaution. And Clarke working endlessly, shifts bleeding together as she tries to save just one person, as she waits for the sickness to hit her.

It never does, and while she doesn’t take credit for Madi surviving, she knows neither of them would have made it alone. She couldn’t watch the whole world die. She has this one girl, just the two of them left in the entire city, from what she can tell. Maybe the entire world.

“What do we do?” Madi asks. “Why did we–”

“We won the genetic lottery,” says Clarke, although it doesn’t really feel like that. Being the last two people alive isn’t exactly a prize she wants to win.

But if they survived, other people must have too. The mortality rate is high, but it’s not everyone. They can find other survivors, and they can rebuild.

“We just have to figure out where the other people are,” she decides. “We should check the other hospitals in the city, look around, see what we can find. Maybe get a radio? And if there’s no one in town, well–I assume gas is free. We’ll find the other survivors.”

“What if there aren’t any?”

Clarke doesn’t know Madi, not really. She was in the hospital because her foster parents were mistreating her, and she was still there when the virus hit. Clarke had heard she wasn’t getting sick from one of the other doctors, and as everything else got worse, Clarke looked out for her.

“Then we have each other,” she says, because that’s it.

That’s all they know for sure.

*

Once they’ve searched the city and found no one, they get Clarke’s car and go on the road. They find a dog on the way to New York, but aside from that, there’s nothing, just empty roads and empty towns, a whole world left without anyone in it. It’s slow going, because they want to be sure, not to miss anyone, but it seems as if anyone who survived would be looking for them too. It doesn’t seem as if it would be hard.

They’re in Virginia when Madi says, “Maybe we should stop.”

“Stop?”

“Maybe there isn’t anyone else. We should find a good place to live. We can put out notices on the radio, but–”

But it’s hard, moving around. It’s so fucking hard, coming into a new place to find everyone dead, to drive through another ghost city. They can’t keep on doing it without getting beaten down.

“Where do you want to go?” Clarke asks, and then slams on the breaks.

There’s a piece of plywood with a message on it by the side of the road, the type they’ve seen tons of. Most of them say things like fresh peaches or tomatoes for sale next exit, but this one says, Alive in DC.

“Do you think–” Madi asks, voice so soft she can barely hear it.

There’s a date in the corner; the sign is only a week old.

“I don’t know. Let’s find out.”

*

The signs continue as they get closer to DC, always the same style, apparently painted by the same person. Once they get close enough, the message changes to, Okay, technically I’m alive in Arlington, I figured DC would be easier to navigate to, and they follow the signs into a suburb, Clarke’s nerves getting worse and worse the closer they get.

It’s not as if she doesn’t want more survivors. But with so few of them, it feels dangerous. She and Madi get along, but what if this third person is awful? Cruel or difficult or just–annoying? Beggars can’t be choosers, and Clarke knows they need to work with whomever they can find.

But still. She can’t just be excited like Madi is. She can’t help worrying.

Madi is bouncing. “Where do you think they are? Do you think there’s a lot of them?”

“No idea,” says Clarke. “But they’ll probably hear us coming. Are you hungry?”

“Yeah.”

“Let’s hit the grocery store. Find some supplies, and then we’ll see if we can find the survivors. They’re putting up signs, so they might not even be here right now. They might be out looking for survivors too.”

“Do you think it’s safe?”

Clarke has to smile. “Honestly? I don’t know. But we don’t have a choice. Hopefully anyone who lived through that is more interested in survival than–” She shakes her head. “Anything else. We don’t have enough survivors we can just throw allies away.”

“But we’re going to be careful.”

“Yeah. And if we don’t like them, we’ll leave.”

“But then we’ll be alone again,” Madi says, soft, and Clarke smiles.

“We’re not alone. We have each other. And Milo,” she adds, smiling at the dog in the backseat. “And if one person survived, there are more. We’ll find the good ones.”

“I still hope this one is a good one.”

“Yeah, me too.”

They grab some nonperishable food, get batteries and medicine too, just to be safe. Electricity is spotty at best, and Clarke’s not good enough with technology to figure out alternate power sources for anything. Once they’re settled somewhere, they’ll need to figure out how they’re going to live, on a daily basis, but for now they’re getting by taking food from abandoned stores and using the car for power.

It’s only been a few weeks, and the future already feels endless.

There’s someone waiting for them when they leave the store, and Clarke finds herself moving between the stranger and Madi without even thinking about it. It’s man, a few years older than Clarke, probably, with curly black hair and a pair of hipster glasses. His arms are crossed over his chest, which emphasizes his muscular build, and he’s frowning like they aren’t exactly what he expected. Or maybe not what he was hoping for.

Then his face clears. “Holy fuck, you’re real.”

Clarke has to laugh. “We’re real, yeah. You put up the signs?”

“It was that or steal a car, yeah.” He rubs the back of his neck. “Thanks for showing up. I thought I might be the last person left in the country.”

“In the country?”

“Maybe the continent. I’m hoping it didn’t make it across the ocean.”

Clarke bites the corner of her mouth. “I think it started in Europe.”

All the color drains from the man’s face, but his expression stays hard. “What makes you think that?”

“I’m a doctor. I was at the hospital when the first case came in. The first case for us. We’d been hearing–it moved so fast we didn’t get much warning, but–”

“Fuck. My sister is in Germany,” he adds. “I was hoping–”

“If it’s a genetic resistance, she might have it too,” Clarke offers. “She could be alive.”

“Yeah, she could.” He looks between them. “Are you two–”

“We’re not related,” says Clarke. She doesn’t want to give him false hope. “She was in the hospital for something else, and–we were the only survivors.”

“Where’s the hospital?”

“Boston. You’re the first person we’ve met.”

“Jesus.” He nods, once. “Well, uh–if you want cooked food, I’ve got my stuff mostly working. You two are welcome.”

“Three,” says Madi. “We found a dog.”

He smiles. “You three, sorry.”

“Should we leave the car here?”

“Up to you. It’s not far to my place, but if you want it close in case I’m a psycho, I don’t blame you.”

“So now if I bring the car, I’m admitting I think you might be a psycho.”

“I think you might be a psycho, if it helps.”

She has to smile. “Yeah, I feel a lot better. I’m Clarke, by the way. This is Madi and Milo.”

“Bellamy,” he says. “It’s just a couple blocks.”

*

“My landlord was really into solar energy,” Bellamy explains, unlocking the door of a duplex. “Which is lucky for me, I guess. All my stuff is still running. I’m still going to be in trouble once I run out of food, but–” He shrugs. “That was always going to be bad.”

“You’ve just been staying here?”

“I don’t have a car, and I haven’t driven in years. DC seemed like a pretty good place to stay. It’s the capital, so if someone comes looking–”

“Yeah,” says Clarke, looking around his place. It’s fairly tidy, almost eerily normal. The kind of place she would have visited before. “We didn’t really have a plan for where to go.”

“It’s a little weird,” he admits. “Being just–here. But it’s not like going somewhere else would help.”

“It’s weird everywhere, if it makes you feel better. We were just talking about how we need to stop moving. It was too hard going from town to town, finding nobody.”

Bellamy smiles with half his mouth. “So I came along at the right time, huh?”

“We came to you.”

“Same difference.” He looks between them. “I don’t want to brag, but my shower still works, if you guys want to get cleaned up.”

“A real shower?” Madi asks.

“I assume the water’s going out eventually, but it hasn’t yet. There’s shampoo and stuff in there.”

“Can I?” she asks Clarke, and Clarke smiles. It is, admittedly, a little weird to be basically a parental figure, but Madi’s a good kid, and she needs someone. Clarke’s just glad neither of them is alone.

And now Bellamy isn’t either.

“Go ahead,” she says. “I’ll wait.”

By unspoken agreement, she and Bellamy wait until Madi’s in the bathroom with the water running before they move. Bellamy rubs the back of his neck, offers Clarke a smile.

“I have alcohol in the kitchen.”

“That would be great.”

“I did everything I could,” Bellamy explains as he prepares drinks. “They said to stay inside if you weren’t experiencing symptoms, so I did. And then–I tried to follow the news on Twitter, post about it using the hashtag, try to get some attention. But the internet went down when the panic and looting started, and it never came back.”

“So here you are.”

“Here I am. You’re welcome to stay as long as you want.”

“We are?”

“You’re the first humans I’ve seen in a month. For all I know, we’re the last people left alive in the world. If you guys were angry cannibals I’d probably still want you to stay.”

She has to smile. “Yeah, I get that. We were looking for a place.”

“And now you’ve got one.”

“We do.”

*

Survivors trickle in slowly. First comes Raven Reyes, a tech genius who found them by tracking energy usage somehow. She gets their a radio signal working, and that brings in Monty, and then Miller, and others. By six months after the virus, they have a community, albeit a very small, very sad one, and it’s starting to feel like they’ve figured out how it’s going to be.

Which is probably why Roan brings up repopulation.

“I’m not saying we have to do it now,” he says, “but it’s something we should be thinking about. This is our gene pool. We should be thinking about expanding and maximizing it.”

“Maximizing it?” Bellamy asks, wary.

“We should be thinking about genetic diversity, making the most of our limited resources. We have to assume we’re the only people left alive, and if that’s the case, it’s on us to continue the human race.”

“Are we in a hurry?” Clarke asks. “If anyone wants to get pregnant, they can, but I don’t think we need to start telling people to have more sex.”

“I think plenty of people are already having sex,” Bellamy adds. “If they get pregnant, they get pregnant.”

“We could be encouraging it.”

“Or you could just tell Raven you want to hook up,” says Clarke. “That would be a lot faster.”

“It’s not just about me and Raven. I think this is a conversation we need to be having generally. Our romantic relationships aren’t just our own business anymore. The future of the species is at stake.”

“So you want to fuck a lot of girls,” says Bellamy. “Got it.”

“Genetic diversity. Romance is all well and good, but we have other concerns now too.”

“Consensual pregnancy with willing partners,” says Bellamy. “That’s all we ask. If you want to bring this up as a group concern, knock yourself out, but if anyone says you’re pressuring them–”

“Give me some credit. I want to be logical, not non-consensual. I’m not going to start forcing anyone into unwanted relationships.”

And that seems to be true, but once the topic is out there, it’ suddenly all anyone can talk about. Clarke has been deliberately Not Thinking about romance, and even if this isn’t romance, it’s uncomfortably close.

Especially when Bellamy suddenly becomes everyone’s most desired potential partner. Not that Clarke’s surprised–he’s young and attractive and intelligent, and he’s certainly her first choice to father a child.

If she was having a child. And he was–

“I’m going to kill Roan.”

Clarke smiles as Bellamy collapses next to her. “It’s hard being popular.”

“I’m all for survival, but if I’m parenting half the kids in the entire world, it’s not great for genetic diversity.”

“So pick your favorite co-parent and go with it.”

He clears his throat, looking awkward. “She hasn’t asked.”

It’s not as if Clarke can be sure everyone else has asked. But they don’t have so many women, and he probably wouldn’t be so awkward if he wasn’t thinking–

“Not all of us are ready to start repopulating the Earth just yet,” she says, careful.

“I’m not either,” he says. “It just feels a little–trivial. To worry about romance, with everything else going on.”

“We could probably use some triviality. And babies, eventually. So you should tell her.”

He looks pained. “Clarke, please tell me you don’t–”

“I just want to hear it,” she says, and that makes him laugh, lean in, bump his nose against hers.

“Do you want to help me repopulate the Earth?” he asks.

“Not right now,” she says. “But I bet we can figure out something else to do.”

“Yeah,” he says. “I bet we can.”

It’s not how Clarke would have chosen to meet her husband and the father of her children, not even close, but, well. There’s no one else she’d rather have by her side at the end of the world.

And that’s something to celebrate.

[schrijverr]

TRY NEW THINGS!

Summary:

Starish discovers a secret talent, but why did Syo hide it? What could have happend to let his passion go?

(warning: angst)

Natsuki x Syo

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Syo's month hadn't been that great. In fact it was pretty shitty. Shining had made something up again. For one month Starish would try something new every week, Twitter voted.

First they had failed at cooking, then they had tried their best at basketball (which, in Syo's defence, he would totally be good at if it wasn't for his height), then they had to jump out of a plane, which wasn't a great experience for Syo and now this. Ice-skating.

It wasn't that Syo was going to fail or be bad at it, it was quite the opposite, he was going to be good, because what Starish didn't know was that Syo had skated when he was younger. And he had been good, he even had competed on a high level. So with his luck the people at the rink knew him and he didn't think he was ready for those cringy video to be found by the internet. I mean he was comfortable with his body, but damn those suits were tight. 

So with a dry mouth he entered the rink with Starish trailing bhind him only to come face to face with: "M'dam?" The older women turned at the voice, "Syo is that you?" The cameras turned to them, crew feeling that this was a good moment to capture. 

"Yeah, long time no see." Syo answered, "How've you been?"

"I've been great, but what are you doing here. You went of to become famous with music, or something. Did you fail and come back to cry?" She smirked at the last part.

Syo made an indignant sound, "No I'm here with Starish, honestly didn't you at least try to see if I made it."

"Nope, if you made I would’ve found out someday." She sounded indifferent, but the humourous glint in her eyes was evident.

Before Syo could react to the jab that was made, Tokiya cut in: "I'm sorry to interrupt, but what the hell is going on?"

The two looked at them like they had forgotten that they were there. Then Syo bowed and made an arm gesture at the lady and said: "The great Yui-san, preferred to be called M'dam, everyone meet my former coach."

She just facedpalmed at the whole ordeal.

"Coach!" Starish basically yelled. 

"Why are you all so surprised?" M'dam said, "Didn't Syo ever tell you? He used to figure skate at high level." Syo turned red, as he went to deny everything, "It wasn't a big deal, please can we just get started."

"Ok.” M’dam arched her eyebrow at Syos denail, but went on anyway “Everyone 10 laps around the rink, warming up is important!" M'dam shouted and Starish set of. Syo and Otoya were the fastest, Natsuki not far behind.

"Ok, now we're going to stretch. Everyone on the floor! Touch the ground with your stomach!"

Starish dropped down and tried to do the exercise, but most barely reached their toes.

"Honestly do you even stretch at that fancy academy of yours, look at Syo he's basically relaxing. At least he didn't forget my training." It echoed through the rink.

The rest of Starish turned to Syo who was indeed touching the ground with his stomach. He looked peaseful and calm as he lay there. 

"What, how are you doing that?" Otoya asked, "You never do that at school."

From his position Syo shrugged and said: "I thought it would be rude to do the exercise so easily, so I just did it normally. Besides it too much work to do it when it isn't necessary."

That last comment got him a kick in the side from M'dam. "We'll see if you talk like that on the ice, it has been a while since you've been on it." She said, trying to make him nervous.

And Syo was nervous to get back on ice, but that changed the moment he stepped on the ice itself. It felt like coming home, skates on, feet on the ice, surrounded with cold air. It just felt right.

He skated around the rink, closing his eyes and enjoying the sensation. The rest, a bit shakier on the ice skating, followed him wobbly.

M'dam had put on skates as well and she gestured everyone to come to her. After they had gathered around she told them what they were going to do, a simple jump. That wasn’t all to hard, but most of the starish members landed flat on their butt. Gawking at Syo who effortlessly jumped on the ice landing perfectly. This was certainly not something they’d expected, especially from their youngest, not always the most coordinated, member.

Behind them M’dam shook her head and smiled. “Still the same as always” she said, effectively scaring starish.

“How come?” asked Masato.

“He really never told you.” she said and muttered something to herself. “He tries to deny it now, but he was very good. It is no luck that he has trophies on his wall. The guy worked hard for it. The ice was his home and it is nice to see that after a two years it still is.”

She smiled fondly at his peaceful expression and then turned to starish again, fondness melting of her face. “Well, don’t just sit there, come on people. Hurry. No laziness allowed.”

Her yelling had startled Syo who was now laughing at them. He skated towards them and skidded to a hald before them. “Rule number one: no laziness. Heard it too many times. She can be very strict.” he smiled at them and helped Natsuki up. The rest he left to their own devices.

He started to teach Natsuki the basics and after a few minutes he actually got it one time. A bit shaky, sure. But that didn’t matter as he and Syo were laughing every time he tried. He attempted again and, of course, fell over pulling Syo with him. He landed on top of him and for a second they just stared at each other, Syo laying on Natsukis chest. Then they burst out laughing. It was a very intimate moment. A moment of joy where they forgot the world around them.

M’dam leaned in by Ren and whispered: “Are they a couple?” To which Ren had to shake his head, he answered: “No, tho we expect them to at least have a crush on one another, but both are too stubborn or shy to admit it.”

“Mmmhhh,” M’dam cleared her throat and yelled: “You guys are shit at this lets try something else obviously you guys aren’t made for jumping.”

This broke Syo and Natsuki apart who suddenly realized how close they were. Quickly breaking away, they flushed a bright shade of scarlet. M’dam decided not to tease Syo moved on: ”Maybe in stead of jumping you can try spinning. Syo?”

Syo skated forward and let her take one leg in her hand while he moved his body in a horizontal position. M’dam explained the basics and showed it by spinning Syo and letting go after a while, letting him continue to twirl.

At this point Masato and Tokiya noped the F out and left the rink saying that they wanted to keep their ability to move properly and that that was not the way to achieve that goal. The rest of starish tried, keyword tried. It was kinda sad and Syo saw that M’dam was reaching the end of her patience, so he said: ”Maybe we should call it a day. Two members stopped and this disaster that is you guys will only end in injury which isn’t something we can afford.” M’dam was eager to agree, but had to make Syos month shittier by saying: “Syo maybe you could do one of your old routines? You don’t seem rusty to me and it will be a great note to end on.”

He’d tried to get out of it, but still here he was on ice about to skate is youth Olympian debut routine. It was one that he held near and dear to his heart which made it a bit better. He had made the music itself. He’d become first that day and made an epic entry in the world skating community. It was sad that he had to part from that so soon. Luckily he didn’t have time to overthink it when the music started.

He skated it. Muscle memory kicking in and providing him with the choreography. It was as if he’d never left the ice. A wobbly land here and there, sure, but still as breathtaking as it had been the first time. When he was done starish loud applause got Syo out of the headspace back into reality. He skated to the exit and looked at them. He saw their faces of awe, but most importantly Natsukis face. He looked as of he saw a miracle take place, eyes wide with wonder. Then the cursed word came out of his mouth: “Why did you ever stop?”

And that was the breaking point. Syo broke down. Literally, he crumpled down to the floor and started crying uncontrollably. Sobs raked through his body as he shook with sadness. The rest had no clue what to do with this Syo, they had never seen him like this, he had always been strong. In the end Natsuki dropped down and hugged him. He whispered sweet nothings in his ear, saying that it was alright.

Then in a raspy voice from crying Syo said: “No, it’s not ok. I had to throw all my hard work away. Skating was my everything, music was second in life. And suddenly all of it came crumbling down before my eyes.” He continued sobbing leaving them all speechless.

“So when you said you loved music more you lied?” M’dam almost didn’t dare to ask it, but she did. Syo looked up. He was a mess, tear streaks on his cheeks and hair ruffled from burying his face in Natsukis side. He nodded his head and spoke again: “Yes, I lied. It had been a normal doctor check up and he told me if I continued jumping like that for two to four more years I could lose the ability to walk completely. My knees just weren’t build for it. So I sucked it up and decided to retire. Do one last show, win gold and go out with a bang. It broke me that I’d never got to the normal Olympics. So when I retired I poured myslef into music. Practicing every day. I swore to myslef that I wouldn’t go back to the ice ever again. I applied to Shining Academy and got in. After I got in I decided to celebrate with breaking my oath, I went back to the ice and just did it for fun. It still is my happy place.”

Starish and M’dam were sad for Syo. It was painful that he had to give something he loved doing up for the sake of his health, but they were glad that he made the decision to not harm his body.

“You did succeed in going out with a bang.” M’dam broke the silence, “I mean gold and a world record isn’t nothing.” He smiled and nodded a fond look in his eyes (the kind he only had when he looked at Natsuki) “Yeah”, he whispered, that was epic. Everyone was so sad to see me go. I got so may messages and shit. Ouch!” He rubbed his head.

M’dam had hit him and scolded him: “Of course dumbass, what did you expect going out there on stage getting your medal and suddenly announcing that this was your last time and walking of like that! If I didn’t know from the beginning I would have beaten your ass up. You also ignored all the journalist and if I remember correctly your only quote in the matter was: “I might be done here, but don’t think you’ve seen the last of the bi ass.” effectively coming out at the same time.”

Syo turned scarlet and didn’t dare to look at starish. M’dam eyerolled and sighed an exasperated sigh and said: “Guess you did not tell them that either.” Which caused an outburst from Syo: “Well what did expect, for me to give them the exact information to hate me and kick me out?”

This shocked starish. Ren said: “Why would you ever think we wanted to kick you out?” To their horror Syo made a confused face as if he thought that it was obvious that they didn’t want him there. Natsuki came to the rescue: “Of course we don’t want you to go. We love you! I mean sexuality isn’t a good enough reason. If that were the case I would be out to. Since I’m pan, but you want me out, do you?” Syo shook his head, he didn’t want that. “See, I’m sure we all have something like that. Right guys.” He turned to the rest for backup.

“I’m gay.” that was Masato.

“I’m demi ace.” said Tokiya.

“I would be you bi partner in crime.” of course Otoya would frase it like that.

“Yeah, same.” was Rens lazy answer.

Syos eyes grew wide. “You don’t hate me?” he said.

“We could never.” answered Natsuki and hugged him again in the process giving him a peck on his temple.

Starish groaned. “Get a room” yelled Otoya and Ren at the same time. This made them redder then a tomato. Then Syo decided he was brave and asked: “I will,” then turned to Natsuki, “If you’ll have me.”

“Sure pick you up at eight tomorrow?”

Maybe this month wasn’t so shitty after all, Syo thought.

Which was ruined when they got back and looked up his old skating vidoes. God Ren really didn’t need to remind him how tight and revealing his outfits had been.