#do not take this as me being a no fun haver i am simply Pointing out things that should at least be toned down. itft is not just clock.

[gmod]

also wanted to redo that one itft post i made lol. please please engage w/ itft outside of slop shipping content. the fact that ppl will only ever draw a fanon version of clock than properly. yknow. Do stuff with the rest of the series kinda shows how bad fanon can get - dont get me started on how people will dumb down clock to being owo cutesy quirky and ignore how easily angered/violent she can be which feels like a masssssssssssive middle finger to her actual personality LOL and i think that shows w/ how much of the itft tag is just. clock/clock shipping centric and hardly any content of other characters and such.

also dont cry at me to "BLOCK TEH TAG!!" if you dont like seeing ME bitch the block button is right there it wont kill you to use your brain for once. miracle machine angrily staring at the camera

[knifegrrrllll]

so i feel like how aspec sexuality connecting to abandonment trauma and personality disorders is not talked ab enough, well it is by ppl with personality disorders but i wanna talk ab it basically w my experience w bpd and being aro/ace spectrum

and i know fellow bpd havers know the feeling of being unlovable very well. For me i'm demiromantic and it would take literal years for me to actually develop a genuine romantic attraction to someone, and if when i do, that person would straight up become my fp and it would be torture pain and suffering (for me mostly)

Like romantic feelings for me is nothing fun, because its linked to my mental issues inherently i feel. And i still want a romantic relationship one day but that feeling of being unlovable and like, i'm just not suited for it (in the sense that i couldnt handle it i feel) is like,, i will just not try there is no point. I will suffer for another person always wondering do they hate me will they leave me, ofc they will there's not much i can offer even. I will end up hating the person i love and then go back to loving them and then hating them etc etc.. Not to mention amanormativity (idkkk if thats how u spell it or if thats the right term) but basically i assume people want something from me that i simply cannot give. I will never be able to have sex with someone, i will never want to, I actually just wouldn't put myself thru that for someone else and because i feel like thats all anyone would actually want from me i will just probably never want to be in a relationship. Like for me personally i'm supperrr asexual like u have no idea i've known i was ace since i was literally 10 yrs old and nothing has changed i will always be like this, and i dont mind doing *some* suggestive sexual stuff if its fun and chill but the second a line gets crossed i just want no part in it and i refuse to put myself thru that.

And i'm also very fine w being single like i only ever feel like i want a gf once in awhile but i feel completely whole just by myself and my life is objectively easier and more relaxing without romance. For me i don't think i'll actually be ready for a genuine romantic relationship until i feel like i am and that will be hopefully when i'm older lol

Idk i feel like because of the stigma against aro/ace ppl and also the experience of bpd, it enhances the feeling of being unlovable. But I want to make it clear to ppl reading this post that i'm aware that i actually am lovable, this is just a feeling. And i didn't write this to complain, and if you have the same experience as me or a similar one, that doesn't mean there is no hope for you or for me. The world is so much bigger than how my brain perceives everything. Like i do want to stress that these feelings are mostly a symptom of my mental illness lol and if you have bpd or a pd it doesn't make you unlovable, bc everyone is lovable by default yknow.

Even people who's hearts are a mouthful, like mine. And even if ur reading this and you don't have the experience of having a pd but you still have feelings of being unlovable or like, there is no hope for you in romance because you are arospec or acespec or both like me, well there is hope for everyone because the world is so much bigger than societies stigma and people are as diverse as the stars.. But lmk if you have a similar experience anywayz ppl <3

[jessaerys]

five hyperspecific near headcanons?

(THIS IS SO LONG SORRY. YOU KNOW WHAT I AM!!!!)

gonna take headcanons here to mean “stuff that is entirely not canon” so these are (varying levels of unfounded) personal canonverse facts i’ve come up with as i write him: 

i.

has special interest in space / cosmology / astrophysics / astrobiology / space exploration etc etc etc. (extremely self indulgent of me but i love to have fun) it used to be very all-consuming when he was little and not afraid to want things. 

it was eventually demoted to the backseat as his focus shifted towards his studies so by the time we meet him in canon it has been fully repressed into something he considers childish (though i’d like to think he found an excuse [perhaps through a case] to keep correspondence going with the brightest minds at the SETI institute and they have ocassional videocalls where he pokes holes in their theories on the origins of life he insists it is simply mantaining connections that may one day prove relevant. it is a productive use of my time agent gevanni do not question my methodology) 

when i think of near i think of saint-exupéry’s the little prince and his watercolor illustrations of a little boy on a little round planet -- actually, a lil exerpt:

near is very little-prince coded in his curiosity and love for humanity and golden heartedness and deep mysterious melancholy – he is sad and he doesn’t know he is sad!! to be a cosmonaut is to be an observer, unmoored from the world, not quite of this earth. which actually leads me to,

ii.

he is from nowhere/belongs to no-one/ has no past and no land to return to.

he was in a couple different orphanages since he was a newborn and any paperwork he could’ve had got lost in the shuffle: it was roger who named him nate river just to have something on the records; his oldest memories are from wammy’s, the first person he ever loved was L, there’s never been anything else for him.

i know “has no racial identity” seems like a cop-out but i actually find it interesting to set him up so that he is unlinked from such a basic experience of community in modern society. because of his albinism there isn’t even a melanin scale to point him in the right direction; his looks are very racially ambiguous (ie. 3a/3b curls, very slight/partial double eyelids, etc), his parents untraceable. if he ever took a dna test it would confirm a thoroughly mixed background of many different ethnicities due to european immigration – but he has never taken a dna test because it would mean he cares which means he would have to think about what other people have and he doesn’t which would mean mourning a loss. and there is no use having feelings about that which he cannot change; no use looking back. mello looks back, and look where that's landed him--

(tangent: in contrast mello’s troubled background in the wartorn balkans until he was relatively older (5-6) and his reconnection with his birthplace in croatia after he left wammy’s is a crucial and defining pillar of his identity (personal canonverse courtesy of local mello phd haver @firebuggg) so this is yet another contrast between them. but we do not have time to get into that)

(tangent number 2:

L to mello in private: why does it matter? the war is behind you. looking back slows you down

L to near also in private: how can a detective know anything if he doesn’t first know himself?

near and mello ages 5 and 7, in their minds: i am the only one who understands L)

actually near's john silver slay is thee most important characterization touchstone for me tbh whenever people give him a backstory it just weirds me the fuck out

what do you mean he remembers his mother that would mean being An Individual and Not A Child Soldier !!!! he is wammy's perfect little grooming blank slate thank you very much

iii.

as a baby he was SO cute SO round SO feral. beautiful glowing cherubic marmalade-eyed biting screaming wildchild. wary as a cat with a talent for finding hiding spots inside the walls and so very autistic. an enfant terrible!! this is possibly why he moved through so many foster homes before wammys. 

for a couple of years until age, like, 5, the only people he felt comfortable enough around to speak to in coherent words were L and later mello* 

his method of communication with the rest of the teachers / caregivers / other children was opening his mouth and unleashing the most terrible banshee shriek a 3-4-5 year old could unleash upon god's green earth

through the rest of their childhood known annoyingest older brother on earth mihael "mello" kheel was ocassionally able to figure out how to unlock a Near Nuclear Meltdown, though it was a very rare occurrence as soon enough near graduated to going stiff and heavy on the floor wherever they tried to make him do something he did not want to do. and good luck getting him to move without lifting him corpse deadweight style. garden. hallway. classroom floor. middle of the stairs. he is and has always been a willful little thing !!!!!!!!!

i'm protected under the awning of this readmore so this is My City Now here are some exerpts courtesy of @firebuggg and yours truly

(sequential)

(not sequential)

*(unfortunately, this meant he was accidentally straight up accidentally twilightzoning mello for at least two years after being introduced to each other because what mello kept hearing was [functionally mute kid who usurped your number one spot, exclusively when nobody is around to hear it]: No One Will Ever Believe You) 

iv.

this one’s kind of stupid but i think it’d be funny if wammy’s DOES adopt kids out occasionally possibly from the bottom half of the L successor ranking in order to keep the facade of being an orphanage and not an unethical human child experiment (perhaps to wealthy people who want to skip the bureaucracy of going through the proper channels. you know how it is) (it also makes such a good boogeyman: if you don't get in the bath roger will give you out for adoption !!!!!!)

anyway once feral baby near escaped containment when there were prospective parents over browsing the (available) children and a couple was completely charmed with him and they, as is the fashion of wealthy people to do whatever the fuck they want, took him out for a lovely walk/car ride/park visit/ice-cream sundae, all sunny and warm and sitting on the young woman’s lap, getting loved on, hearing, “would you like to come live with us little one?” 

when they bring near back they are informed that unfortunately near is very much NOT up for adoption (someone definitely gets fired over that one) (dfsddfsdjfdfj)

this gets LEGENDARILY joked about by mello and matt and their popular kids entourage until they leave wammys. this definitely did not give near any complexes whatsoever

anyway once when the three of them are adults it comes up when they’re in the middle of joking around and it triggers yet another round of relentless Unadoptable Near teasing until matt and mello drive the joke right into the ground where it wheezes a last breath into an increasingly awkward silence as they Realize,

v.

ok lighting round:

had L survived as near grew into his teens they WOULD have had an EXTREMELY contentious mother-daughter relationship

much like mello he too has a deep well of unaddressed (repressed) rage within him (like sam winchester. sorry for bringing supernatural into this)

people often write that near only eats bland/white(?) foods but i think being vegan suits him also it's funny as hell. not out of any ideological motivation he was just an extremely picky eater and also do you think that frail body could handle meat. if he could get away with it all he would it is raw fruits and vegetables (chopped into small cubes)(note: this is not bland, just insane)(it’s the scampering rabbit in him) 

extremely at risk of developing a smoking habit. that boy can fit so much tension in his little body do you think his developing teenage brain would not immediately latch onto the treacherous instant clarity and peace of nicotine

5. did i mention repression. did i mention the absolute terror that seizes him at the thought of experiencing desire/hunger/longing/want. if you made it this far have a reward:

[tuckeefox]

Now What to Do?

Let's see if this works right? It's actually pretty amazing that I can actually type on my phone from a keyboard. This means that I can actually Blog and not have to worry about fat fingering the keys or misspelling something, for the most part. Maybe this can be a whole new world for me. So what does a person actually Blog about? I am not comfortable enough to give your the juicy gossip in my life, but I know people feed on drama and struggle. Maybe Tao would be a good direction to talk about. I seem to be getting into the Tao more and more. It's not a religion, but a way. Tao means the way. I've been big into self-help and inspirational reading as of late, but the Tao Te Ching and The Art of war always seem to bring me back. Not really. Maybe later., How about my inability to actually come up with something funny, useful, entertaining... Seems I haver no muse and no direction. I feel that I have ample ability, but limited time. You know what?!? Fuck it. I say that the two are tied together. I also say that achieving my goals have left me with a sense of accomplished-self-righteousness. I have been able to purchase all my childhood goals and have not had to earn them through the discipline. That doesn't mean that I am bitter in anyway, but it can take the fun out of it. However, this is because my first love and hobby decided to blossom into a beautifully. However, I do have to tend to her as she has withered on me prior. Enough there. I always wanted to be a photographer / special effects videographer. Always was interested in woodworking from Norm Abrham. But rather than paying my dues in those verticals, as I had with my original business, I bought in with the best gear and no idea. Little bit sad, but everything has basically became a collection of cool lights and buttons that do things that no one understands. Today it's a vlog, tomorrow a documentary, at the moment - its evidently a blog or journal. point is that I feel as though I purchased my station in many realms versus earning it. In the mean time, I learn how to use the equipment to the best, but I still sit and am stuck with what to put on that track. Why is it so hard for me to be inspired? I used to play music, was in a band, live a pretty interesting life, outside of a normal home life... I travel, I see things, meet people, but where do you begin? If this was a business adventure, I'd have a 100 page plan in your hand in about an hour. Am I not interested in the music or art as much as I thought, or intended? Am I actually attracted to the glow of a mixing board as a moth to a flame, but simply find rest in the trees; never fully satisfied? I am not sure if am being greedy as I mentioned prior. I have enough, for now, but will need more to enact my plans. There is always something on the horizon with me. Something just out of my reach that you cannot see. Why not notes? I can make other things just "materialize" or have intuition enough to make you ask if I am actually psychic. Cool party tricks, but they take years of practice and study. It has made me skilled, though, in my field. I am not in it for advertising or being some influencer. I just want to be a cool person you want to know or see what I'm doing next. I'm not looking to make stuff for the ability to build a personality around the lifestyle of "selling out". Doesn't mean I would turn something juicy down, but it is purely for the art. So again, with endless direction, ability, and tools, where am I to focus my attention and look for that thing that I want to always write about, or think about? Especially when It's about balance sheets and driving long distances. I have a trip that will take 8 hours total and 30 minutes of it are actually work. I've had many false starts and ideas that I quickly lost interest in, but I know media of ALL types is what I want to be in (aside from my first love and business). I want to use it to grow my core business and my personal brand (I know that I said brand, but the only thing I am trying to sell is myself). I've tried to make videos about my business, but it winds up being me in a hurry because I need to get the job done  and not hold up the line. Went hiking! Once... Do have kids, but I don't know if I wanna put them on here, or really show you how my wife's and mine's personal life is. How many times can you hook up a stereo? And to be honest, didn't big subwoofers go out in like, 1998? Still get the occasional request for a system, but they're almost always my age,. LoL To each their own! At the end of the day, am I really producing art 24/7 and just not taking the time to capture it? There's always my children smiling in the sunbeams of the midfall season. Cool yet warm wind blowing the curtains, just right. But... again, that's personal. I've tried the posting to groups, but everyone there is going for the same thing and it becomes a pit of trolls. I became a woodworker, but the drama to get to the actual woodworking part was the real story. Again, that is personal, though. I would love to show you how to run a business, but I don't want competition. Travel is out as I have many children and my wife prefers they stay near. Could you imagine the cost to send 5 people on a plane? These 'side stories' are, I feel, the real story that people would want to see and is relatable, but I'm not ready to open up that much out the gate. Where's the mystery? This leaves music and making a business out of the actual A/V equipment. Maybe that's it. I can make a business out of it and actually document it? That would be awesome! I have no skin in that game and the realness of paying my dues would be awesome to see. I think that might just be it, Jim?!? Could you have just helped me? My real interests are making money, but as if you were collecting all the coins in Mario, not so much as a status symbol. So the money that is made could be a point system. The first goal would be that the equipment needs to pay for itself. I would be able to show many of the processes while protecting my core business and home world. That's the only way that I will, but not actually sell out. This is freaking awesome!!! Thanks for reading!!! I have finally figured out what it is that I would like to do that depends on no one, but myself. Whether I win or Fail miserably, It will make for a great story. All of my interests of writing music can be applied and all of my knowledge of equipment hookup and operation can be displayed. I can fulfill my wants of making art and present my actual self. It's time to get started I have a lot to do to put this together. I hope to write more as I go through this journey. There is much preparation and planning. I will show how to plan for a business, build a business and report on how its going. I already have a core business, so I will start out as my first client for experience in the field.