#do no.t re/bl0g

[clever-and-unique-name]

Injury, wound tw

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Husband accidentally cut his thumb while slicing an apple for us. The cut was pretty deep, in a bad spot, and bled long enough that I insisted on bandaging it. He gets very defensive and acerbic about being patched up, but I don't mind. I know there's some old trauma there.

When I bandage at work, Diego is usually there with me, chattering with our patient to keep them at ease. I do the actual wound care, methodically and sternly. There's a disconnect between the warmth in our voice and the rigidity of our hands.

Bandaging at home, Diego isn't here. I sat in silence as I tended to him, and felt...uneasy. I do love him. I do. But it's a distant, cold fondness. Of course I would bandage his injuries. Of course I would take care of him. Of course I would do for him as he would do for me. But it all feels so cold to me. An obvious transaction. An age-old agreement.

And then, when I was done, one of the younger parts slipped in and kissed his newly bandaged thumb. "There," they proudly declared. "All better." And he smiled.

And I am grateful to those parts, that they can do those little affectionate things that I seem unable to. Through them, may he never feel unloved by us.

Abel

[clever-and-unique-name]

I spent all day with my in-laws today, including my two young nieces. It was a long day and I'm tired, but it was good.

At the end I made the rounds to give everyone a hug goodbye (which is something I wanted to do, not a distasteful obligation like it would be with my blood relatives.)

As I hugged my nieces and they snuggled in, my mother-in-law said "[my name] really gives the best hugs" and everyone else in the room agreed enthusiastically.

I was blushing and I knew it. I didn't say it, but I really do love them as family. When I hold them close, I'm telling them that.

It's nice to feel wanted and accepted by family. It's just not something I'm used to, even after all these years with them.

[clever-and-unique-name]

From raging inferno to playful candlelight--flame, regardless.

(please don't re/bl0g!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

picrew d u m p beep beep diversity win! jynx looks like a cartoon antagonist mad about a dog and rue accepted a hot mug of s o m e t h i n g that is hopefully not tied to somfing horrific. n we gave mal a cute flower crown bc him cute and deserve nice things <3

tristan | razael | jynx iris | astrid | mal reki | rue | diego

pls no rebl00gerino n don't ask me for sources bc I do not know blease sir I am only a dorito

[clever-and-unique-name]

My nails are painted for the first time in a while. Long and deep purple. Everywhere I look there's purple now. Someone at work told me they associate me with the color purple.

I'm confused every time it happens. "Purple isn't my color, it's hers," I want to say, her being Astrid. My colors are blue, teal, green, etc. But nobody sees my affinity for those because when there's a choice, I snatch up purple without a second thought. It's instinctive. But I don't particularly like it. I just know she does.

[clever-and-unique-name]

found a [cute picrew!] wanted to make some before we have a terrible week >>

razael | tristan reki | mal | rue

(no re/bl0g pls!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

- why does it hurt so much? - It has to. Because it mattered. - when will it stop? - I don't know. Soon, I hope.

(please don't re/bl0g!)

I have no hope of actually transcribing the interaction itself, but Mal was "talking" (communicating, whatever) to Astrid about her intrinsic connection to Reki and her attachment trauma.

Astrid said something dismissive along the lines of "I get that she's sad, but that doesn't take precedence over how I feel."

To which Mal challenged (again, paraphrasing): "Do you know how she feels? Or have you crammed the vastness of her emotions into a tiny box and labeled it 'sad' so you don't have to look any closer, allowing you to focus on your own feelings?"

Astrid chewed on that for a bit and finally answered, "Maybe. But I can't feel what I need to feel if I'm also dealing with everything she has going on."

"What you need to feel," Mal echoed, smiling a bit. "So dutiful and protective of us. Could you cauterize our wounds with that fire of yours, I wonder? Provide a gentle warmth to those parts left out in the cold? After all, flame has more uses than burning bridges."

Astrid glowered. "Don't ask me to be something I'm not. I've never been as kind or tender as the rest of you."

"So you say..."

[clever-and-unique-name]

My dental procedure this morning went really well. I had to work through a lot of anxiety last night + this morning and brought my grounding stone to hold, which really helped. Then I came home and let myself just sleep.

Now the anaesthetic has worn off and my TMJ is really feeling the aftereffects of being held open and manipulated so much under anesthesia. I can barely open my mouth at the moment, and chewing is out.

Still. Even with all that, it was the best-case scenario for the circumstance, and I'm proud that I was able to get through it.

[clever-and-unique-name]

Husband and I went to the store after I got home from work today, something that's usually a solo trip for one or the other. But I have a big (lowkey terrifying) dental procedure on Friday and wanted to get some "before" and "after" snacks / food.

I tend to get a lot of passive influence at the grocery store. Especially if we've already mentally greenlit the trip as "Spend as much as you want, buy whatever you want, this food is meant for comfort."

Which is a long way to say that at one point we passed bags of jumbo marshmallows and I was suddenly grabbing one while hopping from foot to foot, excitedly chattering about how I hadn't had s'mores in years and I really wanted s'mores and could we have s'mores, please? To which husband laughed yes, of course, and my calm adult-voice returned (while I was still excitedly grabbing chocolate and graham crackers) and mused "I don't know why I'm doing this. I don't know why s'mores are suddenly so exciting."

You know, like a liar. I knew exactly why.

[clever-and-unique-name]

"Be bold, be brave! Let's do this~~!!"

(please don't re/bl0g!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

(please don't re/bl0g)

[clever-and-unique-name]

"It's a beautiful night. Care to take a walk?"

(please don't re/bl0g!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

Sometimes I want to hang a sign around my neck that says "No filter: Interact at own risk" because most of us have some softness to us and I just. Don't. I don't even know how to fake it, really.

Denial tells me that every single person experiences periods of emotional burnout where they just can't be assed anymore, and maybe that's all this is. But I'm sitting here without any memory of being any other way. I've just always been like this, and I'm vaguely aware that other parts of me are gentle and compassionate and kind and I'm just some charred, calloused thing.

I don't apologize for it, I just want people to understand before they accidentally impale themselves on my spikes. The parts you're looking for are not here. It's just me, and I'm a cranky bastard.

[clever-and-unique-name]

When I was 10 or so, I remember having a sleepover with a friend at her house. She and I were alone, getting ready for bed, and she described that she was having an anxiety attack triggered by strong winds creaking through her house.

A "strange feeling" washed over me: a fierce tranquility that seemed to eject me from my body, as if I was simply an observer. I heard my voice, paradoxically soft and firm at the same time, telling her "Come here" as I opened my arms to her from the couch. She snuggled into my shoulder and I remember asking her, "What's the safest place you can think of? Can you describe it to me?" and distracted her by coaxing out more and more sensory details (her safe place was a beach house by a calm ocean; I found it charming.)

She ended up falling asleep curled against my shoulder. The next day she whispered a "Thank you for last night" and then we never spoke of it again. We drifted apart through the years, but she always maintained that I was the sweetest, gentlest person alive and also that I may or may not be a little bit psychic.

I think of her fondly from time to time. I hope she's doing all right.

[clever-and-unique-name]

"It isn't always easy, of course...but the moments of peace are worth it."

(please don't re/bl0g!)

[clever-and-unique-name]

(please don't re/bl0g!)