#do i need to be the most fuckable bitch in this post office?

[umilily]

everytime i have to leave the house i'm stuck in this weird conflict with myself about whether i should just throw on a jacket and go out in my sweatpants or whether i should put together the cuntiest outfit known to mankind simply because i never go anywhere and i feel like i should use every possible opportunity to wear cool clothes. i'm lazy though.

[walker-journal]

deathduty replied to your post “Do you have a valentine this year?”

Interesting....can we compare chalkboards? I'm hitting a snag with girl #5, I just can't figure out a way to schedule her between girl#4 and girl#7 (we don't talk about girl#6). I also need you to not block that back entrance, that's my only escape too.

Alright, so there are several ways to do this. Obviously, there is the fake family emergency that can occur right at the tail end of the date with 4. If you have a reliable wingman/chick that can be a distressed relative or doctor then you can earn bonus fuckable points for it being a whole touching ‘wow I wasn’t completely sold on this guy look how deeply he cares about Cousin Jebediah! My body is ready!” sort of a deal. 

Don’t worry, Jeb is compensated like a boss from this routine. Dude has the perfect dying Oliver Twist voice. 

If you can no substitute relatives available, I’d suggest the parole excuse? Even good girls dig that a little bit of that thug life action, just enough that it can feel edgy but not quite enough that they think “huh, maybe I shouldn’t sleep with people who might shank me.” Set up an alarm set to go off when you need to yeet the hell out. Raise soulful eyes to her and confess that you missed a meeting with your parole officer just to meet with her, but sadly must go before the law comes to grab your attractively rebellious ass. 

Personally, I picture myself eating one of Big Al’s double-steak flatburgers while going through the annual wet T-shirt sorority car wash. That apparently fills my eyes with enough longing soulfulness to do the trick. 

Ok so like sometimes there needs to be valentine-on-valentine eye contact. If said girl is of the sappy type then a “Promised to the Bitch” routine might fly. Basically, make it out like you really want to be with “current girl” but your oppressive family/tradition/a drunken promise/mistaken love means you’re are stuck with “that other girl” who is oppressive and clingy. That way it's totally not a side-chick thing. It's you realizing upon seeing “current girl” what true love really is!

Luckily, most people don’t no jack about actual Jews, so I can usually pretend that there is some kind of Talmudic arranged betrothal thing that forces me to close my eyes and duty-fuck girl #6 while girl #7 is who my tender-lovin really wants. 

And sure, I’ll do a ‘you make me feel alive’ running routine with afternoon valentine so that we don’t block your exit. 

Also what's wrong/right about girl #6?