#do i need to be the most fuckable bitch in this post office?

[umilily]

everytime i have to leave the house i'm stuck in this weird conflict with myself about whether i should just throw on a jacket and go out in my sweatpants or whether i should put together the cuntiest outfit known to mankind simply because i never go anywhere and i feel like i should use every possible opportunity to wear cool clothes. i'm lazy though.

[gayoperatorgunclub]

Hello! For prompts, could I get Doc/Thatcher with 84, 33, 25, 23, 10, 45, 1, 82, 15, and 27? TYSM!

of course! i’m so sorry it’s taken so long, but here you go! 

1 (Which one drives the car and which one gives them directions?) - they are both TERRIBLE drivers, but mike probably drives while making fun of gustave for mispronouncing british street names. he stops laughing when they take a road trip to france and he remembers just how much he hates the french language (except for when gustave is speaking it, then it’s sexy as FUCK) 

10 (Who takes a selfie when the other one falls asleep on their shoulder? / Who takes photos of the other while they sleep?) - if either of them took selfies it would be so embarrassing for the younger operators because they’d just turn out like this 

as for who would take pictures of the other, probably mike, just because emmanuelle blackmailed him into contributing to her “gustave sleep pics” scrapbook

15 (Who shops for groceries?) - ever seen that post where the girl was like “yeah my ex said he couldn’t go grocery shopping because he did that with his ex and now it’s traumatic for him”? that post was written about mike. although he will do the “this date is terrible” “this isn’t a date, i said i was going grocery shopping and that you shouldn’t come with because you’d find it boring and you said ‘fuck you gustave i do what i want’ and followed me here” thing if he’s particularly bored. (and he’ll gladly go shopping whenever gustave is too busy or stressed to go. he’s enlisted adriano to help him cook so when gustave finally comes home, he’s able to welcome him with a nice meal)

23 (Who likes to wear the other’s sweatshirts?) - when he knows he’ll have to work late, gustave will have mike wear one of his fluffiest SAS hoodies all day, so then while he’s hunched over his computer and filling out paperwork at 2 in the morning he can wrap himself in the hoodie and inhale mike’s scent, which gives him the drive to keep going and finish the work so he can get home and have mike actually wrap his arms around him as they fall asleep 

25 (Do they like the food network channel?) - mike hates paul hollywood from The Great British Bake Off with a passion, yet watches the show religiously. gustave has found that the best way to get mike to stop bitching about paul’s “frankly ridiculous behavior, gus. they get rid of mary but not this sack o’ shite?” is to climb into mike’s lap and start kissing at his neck to distract him. this usually ends with something sweeter than the bakes on the show ;)

27 (Who wants to have sex at work/school and who is terrified of getting caught?) - realistically? neither. but i’ve never cared about realism before, so why start now? so: it doesn’t happen often, but when mike gets really pent-up or something, he’ll come barging into gustave’s office, pick him up from his chair, pin him against the wall, and shove his tongue down the other man’s throat. once he’s pulled away to give them time to breathe, gustave will ask him to please close and lock the door. he certainly doesn’t expect mike to throw him over his shoulder like a sack of potatoes while mike completes the task, nor does he expect to find himself on his hands and knees on the cot he keeps in his office, with mike pulling his slacks and boxers down just enough to have access. all he can do is moan into the blankets while mike pounds away at his sweet spot

33 (Who will have sex in any place and at any time?) - both, if they’re horny enough. the number of times gustave has found himself bent over his own desk, pinned to a wall, thrown onto a cot, or just looking for something on a shelf when all of a sudden he feels mike groping him through his pants is ridiculous. mike, on the other hand, adores the days when gustave corners him in the showers, drags him into their room, tackles him from behind while he’s training and starts biting marks onto his neck, or the time they sparred and mike finally found out how the acoustics of the training room affect gustave’s screams 

45 (Who likes to put their fingers in the belt loops?) - gustave is the fuckable french dilf everybody wants but nobody deserves, and you can bet your bitch ass he’s the most fashionable bitch in rainbow. does he wear belts? yes! but only fashionably (all his surgical experience makes him a very good tailor, so you know he makes adjustments to his clothes if they don’t fit right; he has no real need for belts, other than the fact that they tie some outfits together). mike, on the other hand, wears a combination of jeans and a sweatshirt every day, and he can, and will, enter a room with his thumbs hooked in the belt loops. jordan has attempted to give him a cowboy hat multiple times now, yet mike always refuses. he wouldn’t say no to some boots, though

82 (Who is super bad at sexting? Who sends them encouraging messages throughout the day?) - gustave gave up trying to sext once he realized mike was going to keep signing off all his messages -Mike <3. he usually finds it endearing, but not when he’s trying to get fucked. gustave will send mike reminders to take care of himself while simultaneously pounding espresso like he’s doing lines at a frat party. mike will send him messages that are just heart emojis throughout the day whenever he thinks about him, and gustave always has to hide how he blushes 

84 (If they were about to rob a museum, which one does backflips through lasers and which one is strolling behind with a bag of chips?) - they would NEVER rob a museum!!!! they are good boys!!!! BUT if they did gustave would definitely go full mission: impossible while mike loots the gift shop and food court

[walker-journal]

deathduty replied to your post “Do you have a valentine this year?”

Interesting....can we compare chalkboards? I'm hitting a snag with girl #5, I just can't figure out a way to schedule her between girl#4 and girl#7 (we don't talk about girl#6). I also need you to not block that back entrance, that's my only escape too.

Alright, so there are several ways to do this. Obviously, there is the fake family emergency that can occur right at the tail end of the date with 4. If you have a reliable wingman/chick that can be a distressed relative or doctor then you can earn bonus fuckable points for it being a whole touching ‘wow I wasn’t completely sold on this guy look how deeply he cares about Cousin Jebediah! My body is ready!” sort of a deal. 

Don’t worry, Jeb is compensated like a boss from this routine. Dude has the perfect dying Oliver Twist voice. 

If you can no substitute relatives available, I’d suggest the parole excuse? Even good girls dig that a little bit of that thug life action, just enough that it can feel edgy but not quite enough that they think “huh, maybe I shouldn’t sleep with people who might shank me.” Set up an alarm set to go off when you need to yeet the hell out. Raise soulful eyes to her and confess that you missed a meeting with your parole officer just to meet with her, but sadly must go before the law comes to grab your attractively rebellious ass. 

Personally, I picture myself eating one of Big Al’s double-steak flatburgers while going through the annual wet T-shirt sorority car wash. That apparently fills my eyes with enough longing soulfulness to do the trick. 

Ok so like sometimes there needs to be valentine-on-valentine eye contact. If said girl is of the sappy type then a “Promised to the Bitch” routine might fly. Basically, make it out like you really want to be with “current girl” but your oppressive family/tradition/a drunken promise/mistaken love means you’re are stuck with “that other girl” who is oppressive and clingy. That way it's totally not a side-chick thing. It's you realizing upon seeing “current girl” what true love really is!

Luckily, most people don’t no jack about actual Jews, so I can usually pretend that there is some kind of Talmudic arranged betrothal thing that forces me to close my eyes and duty-fuck girl #6 while girl #7 is who my tender-lovin really wants. 

And sure, I’ll do a ‘you make me feel alive’ running routine with afternoon valentine so that we don’t block your exit. 

Also what's wrong/right about girl #6?