#do i even wanna go to college???? like im still deciding that shit

[orioncore]

I'm just gonna turn this in unfinished the fucks I have left to give are dwindling and I need to save them for my weighted classes, which ironically, are the ones I don't need to worry too much abt because I have good grades in them

not saying th grade in math I have is bad, it's like. a high B, but it still annoys me bc I understood like mostly all of the stuff in math I've learned and it's just the hw that's fucking me over (<- labeled a gifted kid in elementary school and now suffers the Consequences (we love the American school system here /sarc))

I Know a B isn't bad (it's a good grade!) but like I feel like I can always do better yknow??? idk the gifted kid mindset has haunted me

[skrunksthatwunk]

god goromi really fucked my gender didn't she

[orcelito]

I guess I should start looking into apartments for next year. I don't know where I'm going to be working after I graduate yet, but I'll have a car by then, so it shouldn't matter too much. And I'm hesitant to move when I don't know where I'm going to end up... but I will be honest, I cannot live in this place for another year. They've increased the rent by a literal 50% since I started living here 3 years ago, the air conditioning doesn't work, I have to do laundry by *coin operation*, and worst of all there is no patio or balcony to speak of. I need outdoor seating!!! For my mental health!!!! Adding in the fact that it's far too cramped with all the furniture I got from my dad...

Yeah. Even if I only live there for a year, I Got to move.

Gonna be working on sorting through all the shit in my apartment, especially the boxes from my dad. Once I get a car, I wanna make it my personal project in the next year to cut down on the shit that I own. Go through my old clothes and donate anything that I Never wear and Never would. The goal being that by the time I do move, I want there to not be a fucking boatload of shit to move. There's still all this furniture but like. Eh. Ya kno. Still wanna make it better than it could be.

[dfortrafalgar]

would you be interested in a more Platonic type fic? Like being good friends with Robin?

alternatively if it has to be romantic: Law being forced on a disaster of a date only to meet a super helpful (comic) bookshop employee and she starts seeming cute when he finds out she has similar interests? (Boy probably went into cardiac arrest at first when someone caught him not being broody)

hope this isn’t too much!

and you’re doing awesome!

thank you so much for your request, anon!!!! im actually going to use both of your ideas, but i started with the Law one because that hit seriously close to home. ive been on some absolute TRAVESTIES of dates in the past, and i needed to write law suffering through a similar fate or i'd die!!!!! I hope you enjoy, and pretty soon I'll post your platonic Robin request as well! I love writing platonic stories just as much as romantic ones <3

An Out.

Law x Fem Reader

Law made the mistake of letting his friends talk him into a first date… and now he desperately needs an out. Fast.

Warnings: an absolute disaster of a first date for our wonderful nerdy man. modern au, implied college setting, some mild slight suggestive language but nothing more than that

Trafalgar Law tried in vain to recount the series of events that led up to this very moment.

There was the dusty apartment floor discussion about how the med-student hadn’t gotten laid yet, which was followed by a raunchy comment about a girl in someone’s class, it was revealed that this girl was single (‘and ready to mingle’), and her number was forcibly input into Law’s phone.

For the week that followed, he was inundated with flirty texts from this girl he had never met in person.  He was forced to send her a picture of himself, mostly to get her to stop blowing up his texts every hour, and that was the next mistake in the line-up of unfortunate events.

Turned out she had a thing for facial hair.

Then, instead of getting pestered with general flirty messages, it was general flirty messages that were ramped up to a nine.  ‘I’d rip your clothes off if you give me the opportunity,’ kind of nine.

Law knew he was a virgin, but at least he wasn’t this desperate, nor did he have any inclination to be.  If anything, the texts he received from this stranger were making him want sex even less.

And yet… he was still pushed into this.

A date around downtown with this girl.  She clung to his arm, tried to loop her fingers into his, and yet had absolutely no interest in anything he had to say.  At all.

First red flag: she mentioned her ex.  Three times.  In four minutes.  Everything was about what he did wrong to upset her, no self-awareness to be found.  Second red flag: the clinginess.  Law hated public affection, but any attempts to urge her to give him space resulted in a childish pout and her arms caged around his, almost pulling him to the ground.  Third red flag: she couldn’t give two shits about Law, in any sense of the word.  She wouldn’t stop talking about herself.  Her looks, her clothes, her favorite music, her favorite shows to binge watch, her distaste for the area of the city they were in, her distaste for the lunch Law had [regretfully] paid for, her distaste for the speckled jeans he decided to wear…

He could feel the premature wrinkles forming in between his eyebrows the longer the date went on.  He was starting to wonder if he’d have to throw out the shirt he was wearing later.  It already reeked of the too-strong, powdery-scented perfume she bathed herself in.

“Where do you wanna go?” she suddenly asked, still tugging on his arm.

“I kinda want to stop by the bookstore before we leave,” he suggested, his feet already carrying him, and by extension, her, along the sidewalk to a small bookshop that had just recently opened.

“The bookstore?  What kinda guy brings a girl to a bookstore on a first date?!” she demanded, showing off yet another childish pout.  It wasn’t a good look on her.

‘A guy who knows this girl’s not getting a second date,’ he wished he could say.  Instead, all the snarky remarks stayed locked inside his weary brain, bouncing around like a caged lion desperate to escape.

The girl didn’t make any motions to ditch him to his nerdy reprieve, and instead followed on his heels as he pulled open the bookshop’s door, the familiar, calming scent of new books, fresh paper, and ink filling his nose.

“It smells gross in here,” the girl huffed.

Aaaand there went Law’s fleeting moment of peace.  Out the window.  Down fifteen stories and splattered on the pavement.  He needed to violently restrain the eyeroll that begged to appear.  His ocular nerves ached to be a dick in the pettiest way possible.  He inwardly hoped that by dragging this girl to the most unassuming bookshop would encourage her to leave, call a friend or get a cab to take her back to her home, but alas, she stayed glued to Law’s side like a lost dog.

She followed behind him as he blindly perused shelves of new and pre-owned books, Law’s feet subconsciously guiding him to the back of the store where he knew the comic books would be located.

If anything would turn this girl off for good, it had to be his love for all things superhero.  His comic book collection would dry her up like a dessert in a drought.  Or at least, it fucking better.

His eyes lit up as he approached the expansive comic shelf, immediately spotting the latest print of Sora: Warrior of the Sea- Volume 10.  It had finally been officially localized, and he had been saving some of his spending money for this very moment.  He eagerly grabbed the book from the shelf, thumbing through the pages.

“How old even are you?” jeered the girl by his side.  “Comic books are, like, little kid shit.”

“I’m five years old,” barked Law, refusing to look toward her as he continued to analyze the pages of his favorite series.

To the average onlooker, they both probably looked like complete jackasses towards one another.  And while Law was at least brave enough to admit that his behavior was certainly petty, he felt like he was warranted a Get Out Of Jerk Free card for all the painful hours of suffering through this atomic catastrophe of a date had put him through.

“Whatever, I’m going to find a bathroom,” the girl finally groaned, releasing his arm and trudging through the aisles of books toward the checkout counter to ask an employee where the bathrooms were located.

Law watched her go out of his peripheral vision, refusing to exhale a sigh of profound relief until she was completely out of his line of sight.  With shoulders that finally relaxed, free from the overbearing tension, he turned his focus back to the comic in his hands, continuing to thumb through the colorful pages of artwork.  He flipped the book around to examine the price, smiling at how reasonable it was.  He filled his arms with a few other comics from a series he had been meaning to pick up, and retreated toward the cash registers to buy his books.  The sooner he got his treat for this ordeal, the sooner he could get out of here, call this girl a taxi home, and spend the rest of his life as a willingly single comic book mega-nerd.

But reality wouldn’t let him off the hook so easily.

Not when the girl sitting behind the register thumbing through another copy of Sora Volume 10 was an absolute bombshell.

When she looked up at Law, her eyes quickly went wide.  She placed the book under the register counter and eagerly leaned forward, her hands supporting her over the counter.  “Are you alright?” she asked, her voice laced with worry.

Law cocked an eyebrow, confused.  “Yeah, why?”

“That girl you’re with is making you miserable.  You walked through the door looking like you wanted someone to grant you a mercy killing,” she huffed.  Her eyes were clearly concerned.  “Are you dating her?”

Law felt his guard dropping without even realizing it the longer he was in the presence of this cashier.  “My friends set me up on a date with her, but I’m having the absolute worst time of my life.”

The new girl’s own eyebrows angled downward in concern.  “Do you want an out?”

“A what?”

“An out,” she repeated.  “An excuse to get her to leave you alone.”  Time was running out.  At any moment, she could leave the bathroom.

Law frantically looked back and forth between the cashier and the small, short hallway that led to the single restroom.  With pleading, golden eyes, he silently mumbled, “Yes, please.”

The cashier kept her eyes on the bathroom door as she began unloading Law’s hands, spreading his books out on the counter to make it look like she was busy ringing out his purchase.  Law watched with an analytical gaze as she fumbled with his items, clearly buying time until the bathroom door opened.

He didn’t have time to ask what she was plotting.

The second the door cracked open, the man’s shirt collar was violently clenched in the cashier’s hands as she pulled him over the counter, smushing her lips into his.  Law’s fingers flexed in thin air as he froze, brain completely fried as he was frozen in this sudden kiss.

His first kiss.

“What the fuck?!” the girl screeched, exiting the bathroom in a frenzy as she booked it toward the heated exchange happening over the cash register.

The new girl pulled herself away from Law’s face, but only enough where she could display her best rendition of a weary, tired war-torn wife waiting on a cliffside for her husband to return.  “Baby, please just take me back!  My life isn’t complete without you!”  Her voice was cracking as she fake-wailed, her grip on Law’s shirt never faltering, not even once.  The few customers who also occupied the store turned to stare at the commotion, frazzled and befuddled.  “Nothing in life is as good as it was with you!  I’m in shambles!  You were the best sex I’ve ever had!”

It took a few moments for Law to catch on to the ruse.  As soon as he put the puzzle pieces together in his mind, however, he was grabbing the wrists of the cashier and bringing his lips back to hers, closing his eyes and trailing his arms up to grasp her face.  Completely disregarding the fact that they were still separated by the heavy check-out counter between their torsos.

“You were dating someone?!” snapped the original girl.  “Why didn’t you tell me?!”

Law pulled away from the cashier’s lips, his own skin immediately feeling fifteen degrees colder from the loss of her contact.  “I wasn’t.  Until now.”

The new girl put her arm around Law’s shoulders from across the check-out counter, her deft fingers caressing his skin through his shirt.  “I’m sorry, but I’m taking him back, I can’t stand to be without him any longer!  The sight of him with another woman…” she made a show of clenching her chest, “makes me sick!”  She was damn good at this, in a way that almost made Law concerned.  The fact that she was pulling all of this out of nowhere, and the fact that her first course of action was this drastic, made Law’s heart flutter in his chest.

“Ugh, whatever.  This place sucks ass anyway.  I’m going home.”  She finally shouldered her bag and marched out of the shop, her feet stomping across the hardwood floor until the sound of the front door slamming closed finally made the cashier release her arm from Law’s shoulders.

And once again, the man was feeling oddly cold without the contact.  He glanced at her as she started ringing up his items for real.  “You’re… a good actor,” he blurted.

The girl hid her face in her arm with shame, an awkward laugh bubbling from her throat.  “I’m so sorry, I was trying to think of what to do to help you but when the door opened I panicked.”  Her eyes were focused on her work.  “I’ve been on some absolutely awful dates myself, so I understand.  Sometimes I’ve wished I could have Prince Charming swoop me out of the movie theater where a guy made fun of me for my interests the entire run-time.”

His jaw went slack.  “Are you serious?”

“Deadass,” she replied, quick as a whip.  “Insisted on holding my hand the entire time.  I think he was convinced that I had taken him to see a horror movie because I wanted to act scared in front of him, but his hand was so clammy and sticky the whole time.  And not in the endearing ‘Aww he’s shy!’ kind of way.”

Law wished at that moment that he had more charisma.  He was sure one of his friends would be able to pull a witty, flirty quip from their asses like it was nothing, but Law’s personal dictionary of flattery was nonexistent as it was.  He balked while he listened to the cashier who just took his breath away lamenting about her own poor experiences with dating, and he was sure that her example in this moment was only one of many.  Instead of continuing the conversation, his mind blanked.  He stated, more like whispered, “That was my first kiss.”

The girl’s hands stopped scanning his books halfway through.  Her wide eyes darted up to Law’s, her jaw slack.  “It… It was?”

“Yeah.”

Her hands flew to cover her mouth, eyes wide with shock.  “Oh my god… oh my god, I’m so sorry!”  She dropped her head onto the counter, covering her despair with both of her arms now.  “First kisses are supposed to be special and I just took your’s away from you…”

Law shocked himself by smiling at the weary display in front of him.  “If it makes you feel any better, that was far better than the date I was on.  But I’m sure you already knew that.”

She picked her head up, a trembling hand grabbing one of his last books to scan.  Her eyes nervously darted back and forth as she silently worked, once in a while sucking her bottom lip in with her teeth before releasing the flesh.  She was clearly lost in an intense inner turmoil.

“It’s really alright,” Law muttered, now growing shy himself.  He was just now realizing the gravity of what had happened… and how truly adorable this girl was.

She tapped a few buttons on her cash register before finally making eye contact with him again.  “You are a pretty good kisser… you’re really sure you’ve never done that before?”

He affirmatively shook his head.  “Never.  I’ve never been… popular with the dating scene,” he muttered.  “Hence this awful set-up date.”

The cashier’s eyes went wide again momentarily.  “That’s kind of surprising to me… I would think someone like you would get any girl you wanted.”

Law backpedaled.  “What does that mean?”

She pulled his total up on the small screen that faced him.  She was turning away from him as if to hide her face, her entire expression teeming with a child-like embarrassment.  “Well, you’re crazy hot, for starters.  And you like Sora, clearly.”

Law felt a smirk emerge on his lips.  “Is Sora one of your only qualifiers for a decent partner?”  He began to rekindle some of the confidence he had lost throughout the day.  The longer he spent in this girl’s presence, the more he felt the tension in his body leaving.

She grinned, the stress in her shoulders from her own actions finally releasing.  “Only guys with fluffy black hair and golden eyes that read Sora, if you want my honest answer.”

Now this was flirting.  Law had to admit, he was pretty pleased with this sudden turn of events.  The atmosphere this girl radiated was immensely calming, allowing him to chip through his reinforced walls just enough to feel like a somewhat normal person.  He started to wonder if she could break through his barriers even more.

“What’s your name?” he finally asked, taking out his credit card and swiping it through the machine to finally cash out his order.

The girl excitedly revealed her name.  “And your’s?”

“Trafalgar Law,” he replied.  “I go to North Blue University for med school in the next town over.”

“No shit, so do I!  I’m getting a worker's license there,” she added, her expression shifting from one of moderate happiness to one of excitement.  “I doubt we’ve had any of the same classes, but we should hang out sometime!  Get coffee, maybe talk about Sora…”  Her voice trailed off, her eyes growing soft.  “Unless you’ve been completely turned off to dating after what you’ve clearly just been through.”

Law took a few moments to ponder over her words, watching as the receipts for his purchase slowly emerged from the thermal printer.  “I think I can make an exception this time.”

The smile that broke out on the girl’s face may as well have blinded him.  She was truly dazzling, even in her ratty-looking employee apron and an oversized T-shirt accounting for her work attire.

Law placed his new assortment of books into his own bag, the girl snatching his receipts from the printer and stashing one of the copies in the drawer below the counter.  When he looked back up, she was holding out his second receipt, folded in half.  She gave him a fond smile when he took it.

“I hope you’re able to relax later today, and enjoy your books!” she called, waving to Law as he exited the store.

Once outside again, the air felt clearer now that he was alone.  The day was still young, hardly a cloud in the sky and a pleasant breeze coasting through the city.  He looped his bag over his shoulder and opened the receipt, peering at what was written on the backside.

Call me for Sora… and for just me ;) <3 1125-354-9854

[valeriianz]

For the fic writer asks:

4. Obviously you did research for BitB. I'd love you to ramble about it if you like I'm sure you've got STORIES

5. Did you outline it?

7. How'd you decide it would be Hob's pov?

25-27 I'd love to know a/some favorite lines, details, and any lore you might want to share

omg TJ what wonderful questions! thank you!! this is going to get LONG!

4: Rambling about research!

do you wanna see a screen shot of my bookmarks under my "band au" folder?

man, and that's only what could fit on the screen.

there is... SO MUCH i chose to ignore for this fic. ideas that i had to drop, lines or extra details about the other band members equipment. more logistics, what Lucienne actually does, what Mervyn has to put up with as the new touring stage manager... i realized very early on that i couldn't possibly cram all this (super cool and eye opening) information into the fic and still keep reader's interest and, most importantly, to not stray away from the fact that this is a dreamling fic. whenever i felt myself getting carried away with a side character or job or even social media numbers, gossip, outside POVs, i had to reign myself in and get back on track. there will be time for exploring everything i missed in side stories after BitB is finished. i just hope i still have the energy to write it all.

once, i was so deep into research that after publishing chapter 2, i went into work and when my chef asked what "GA" meant on my prep list, i answered with full confidence, "general admission."

(it means "get ahead.")

the worst part of this entire writing process is im still learning new shit. i havent rewatched or read a lot of what i've saved because, to be very honest, i was feeling a little burnt out. it's why we're kinda full steam dreamling now. it's why ive been glossing over a lot of technical stuff and being vague about conversations amongst the crew/not including it at all. i don't prefer ignoring my research, but at the end of the day i want to still enjoy writing this fic and finish it. even if i can't be as descriptive and detailed and nuanced as i used to be.

5: Did you outline the fic?

(also asked by @hardly-an-escape!)

i wouldn't call what i have a proper "outline," it's more like a 20k word document filled to the brim with notes that i skim at least a dozen times while i'm writing a new chapter (being in my brain is literally hell). i live multichapter life very dangerously. i copy and paste lines or sections (always scattered, never together! augh!) that are meant to go together and plop them in a new document titled "band au ch.#" and then i structure the chapter around what i want to happen.

but to answer this question in the plainest of terms: yeah. i know exactly what's going to happen up until the very end. even if its all in my head and the only concrete shit that's written down are beats/plot points. i'll figure out the rest later!

7: How'd you decide it would be Hob's POV?

i actually never even considered writing it from Dream's POV. this was my first fic in the fandom (which is so nuts to think about lol) and writing in Dream's POV sounded so scary lol. i also just thought Hob's would be easier because i have worked a few backstage shows, back in my college years. i figured eh, i can make this work. and i loved exploring how weird and mysterious musicians can be, from a normie's POV. making Hob a fan first and having him worry about developing a parasocial relationship... it was fun to explore.

25: Share your favorite line

oh god, i have so many haha.

“What are you thinking about?” starting in ch.2 and onward lmao

“It’s–” Dream laughs quietly, bitterly. “I don’t like change.” He says each word with emphasis, eyes trailing down to fixate somewhere past Hob. “And I still hold onto the things I can control, like my instruments–” his eyes swing up to regard Hob apologetically. “Or my clothes or my–” he brings a hand up and wiggles his fingers around his head. “My hair.” ch.4

"His majesty is pleased." ch.5

“You are obsessive,” he states, slow and cool and with a quiet smile cracking through his composure. “Just like me.” ch.7

“You look good.” Hob has to lean in to say so, unwilling to raise his voice amongst the roar of the fans. ch.11

“Del looks like porcelain, but she’s actually made of steel.” Desire swirls the contents of their glass before pushing their shoulders back with a deep breath. “She's tougher than all of us.” ch.11

“Everything. I want…” his fingers tighten in Hob’s hair, pulling him closer, speaking against his lips. “…Everything.” ch.14

26: Share your favorite detail

how intentionally coy Dream behaves. i love keeping him a mystery and deciding when and how much to allow his intentions to peek through has been so fun lol.

Despair is in fact covered in tattoos and piercings! i say this because i feel like sometimes i forget lmao. (but also her and Hob don't interact much so. my bad haha).

Delirium's constant explosion of color in the way she dresses <3

Hob's dedication to his job, Dream, and the people he cares about the most. i don't care if people think i'm making him too soft and good, im gonna project on that man and make him a sweet, sweet simp lmao

and ah, this doesn't matter anymore, and i kinda regret doing it but. i originally had Dream's favorite bass all black but the pickguard was white. so it actually looked like Jessamy. not gonna lie when @designtheendless drew it all black i decided i liked it better that way. and truly i do. that's when i went back to ch.1 and changed it haha. to actually see the guitar with Dream, all done up sparkling black and purple flecks... gosh it's just so him. but then i got up to the reveal that the guitar's name was Jessamy and i was like, "oh, right." lmao. no one seems to care so i'll leave it be.

27: Share a piece of lore you made up for the story

i have a lot lmao. and this post is already so long... im hoping i can get to some if not all of it in side fics in the future. but for now, here's some that's more like headcanons but:

Dream hates flying. he can full on go into panic attacks on the plane if he allows himself to get into his own head.

this was mentioned briefly in ch.4, while Dream was discussing the formation of the band, but Despair was in another band before joining Endless. she is the only character in the fic who gets to keep her English roots (lol sorry) and is the oldest in the band (30).

all of the band members ages: Dream, Desire, and Death are all 28 and Delirium is 22.

Dream can experience subdrop after going too hard during a performance.

Dream paints his own nails, it's very therapeutic.

as an exercise, i explored my own headcanons for Dream in this verse in a word doc, and one thing i will share from it that you might find interesting: If I were to ever give Dream a theological values, I would describe him as a satanist. He is a physical and pragmatic person, nonconforming, and although he is introverted, he enjoys being a part of a community (he loves his band).

also found this in my notes: How Desire and Dream got along was Death making them fight it out. Hob raises an eyebrow “like in a brawl?” He couldn't imagine Desire throwing hands. “No, in a pillow fight that escalated in hair pulling and verbal taunts.”

fic writer asks

[spaceyflowers]

hi!! im still alive!! + updates on this blog

first: i would like to apologize for disappearing without a word for like. nearly a year. im terribly sorry for any worry i've caused T_T;;

honestly i have no good excuse for disappearing like i did especially without reason (not that im obligated to let everyone know my business but i did have a "i wont randomly disappear!" sentiment and yet... here i am) but in a nutshell, its basically: fandom shifts, college, and guilt.

if you want to know about the future of this blog fandom wise;

still going to be a lookism/viral hit blog (havent caught up yet) but most likely wont be as active in the fandom anymore;;; thinking of sticking as a lookism blog until that series ends but who knows when it will so i might eventually just change fandoms 😭

please dont feel bad about unfollowing or anything!! curate what u wanna see with who u follow, i take no personal offense, even if we've been long time mutuals!! ><

fandom shifts will probably be more common; i have this weird thing where i cant focus on multiple interests or i get stressed;; so i get obsessed with one thing for months/years but then once i lose interest and move on, its likely i wont return to it unless something triggers it. thats why i dont think "multifandom" fits me, i'll always be fandom focused, its just the fandom focus changes 😭

p.s. sorry if im being dramatic about this (i feel like a youtuber who got canceled writing an apology 😭😭) i just feel like i owe yall an explanation </3

if you're curious about me, i've left that under the cut;

got into a new interest which made me stop looking at lookism/viral hit stuff -> knowing my blogs are lookism focused, i decided to take a "break"

couldnt get myself back into lookism after my "break" ended -> couldnt get myself back on tumblr

started to feel guilty because i havent been active in a long while

senior year ending, school takes my priorities -> summer break comes, i swear i'll apologize on tumblr but guilt eats away at me and then i have to do college stuff

become a little active on tiktok, start feeling more guilty because im active there but not on tumblr

college begins, get busy with college stuff -> during breaks, swear i'll apologize on tumblr pt 2 but the guilt has piled up so much it feels like the equivalent of when a person cant get themself to reopen their animal crossing new leaf game because they havent touched it in a long time

first college semester ends, winter break starts -> finally convince myself to get over it and start typing all this up

once again im really sorry T_T i was not made for the content creator life bc i cant stay active for shit + i feel so bad gaining followers for one thing but once i move on from that one thing, it feels like im disappointing a lot of ppl even tho i know i dont owe strangers on the internet anything- im just repeating myself now but yknow

oh and for anyone curious: my current fandom is dmc <3

[grink]

local live music has the capacity to make me so so so sad cuz i kinda just left it all behind. its all i used to think about, i couldve never left ohio, i could still be playing music trying my hardest to make it all work, but i decided to leave and go to college and get a stupid corporate job and move to a big city and live out my 18 year old boy dream and this shit is so depressing like. i live right next to the club. every friday they play 2010s throwbacks. most of the time its empty and all i hear outside my window is occasional screaming and shouting from the extremely hotheaded people walking by. theres no place sadder than the club. and god theres nothing worse to be surrounded by than concrete. i dont just wanna see a few trees that fit between buildings, i wanna see a forest. i havent seen a fucking forest in years. we like dont even have bugs here. i wanna walk in the river and get my shoes wet. i wanna look for the rocks that arent too slippery to stand on. maybe fuck up a bit and slip anyways and get some little cuts or scrapes that'll scar and be stories for me forever. i wanna climb a tree. i wanna see stars. i wanna feel like im at home somewhere. dont get me wrong this city is my home now and i have a few things to really love here, i guess im just venting some totally non-actionable emotions cuz its friday again for the millionth week in a row and im sitting here crying cuz its what i do best. grass is always greener etc etc

[henriiiii-1001old]

coming back/moving blogs

hey, been a while, hasn't it? i hope you're all doing well! this is my official coming-back-to-tumblr post, but it's a little different than i had originally planned.

i've decided it would be in my best interests to move blogs after a bit of thinking. i feel like coming back here would just feel too awkward for both me and you guys, especially with my now deleted drama post. i just wanna move on from all this bullshit, especially since i've had do deal with a lot of other shit, including college.

it's still @/evrydaygets-darkr, just moved to a different account. i still like the name, so i'm keeping it for now. this account will still be up for archival purposes, but it will never be active again. i hope you understand. (EDIT: changed to @henriiiii-1001 bc of shit that happened w ak recently. see this for more info and this for my official statement on it)

as a general life update, i'm done with my first semester of college!! it's been kinda fun so far! i've made a couple friends here and there, and classes (except for math) were super cool!!! i loved most of my professors, and i am honestly excited for the upcoming semester! ive been artblocked to hell and back though, so i don't have much in terms of new art or writing, but i've been trying my best to get out of it. i also gained a new hyperfixation, which is project sekai: colorful stage (abbreviated as pjsk), so i'll probably be posting abt that quite a bit (btw my fav group is wxs and my fav character is tsukasa :3 ), specifically abt stats and achievements w like song completions, maybe some pulls too!

im also gonna put a few updates on aus and oc stories rq:

for my tmc aus: the big ones i'm working on are getting new masterposts and infodumps for the new blog. i would rb posts from this blog to the new one, but due to some personal stuff i don't feel very comfortable doing that. i havent been able to cook much lore-wise for any of them, but i'll probably get back into the swing of things once i start interacting w you guys again. - for specifically father's duty: i'll hopefully have chapter 3 done soon. it's actually been almost done for a while now, i just need to think of the ending. thank you to those who've stuck with me this far <3 (EDIT: all my tmc aus are discontinued. read above for more info)

for murder files: i'm gonna change up the pacing a bit because i feel like i was going a bit too fast with it. i wanna take my time with it and make it feel as real as possible. it might take me a bit to get fully set up bc im probably gonna have to plan a few steps ahead, which i've barely done. i just need time to plan everything out and draw some shit

i will try to post as often as i can to get back into using tumblr like a true tumblrina (even though i see theyve made some more disgusting changes so yay </3 ), though it'll probably take some getting used to.

i really missed you guys. i'll see you on the flipside.

-henry/thatcher

[lveclouds]

↬ pairing/characters: choi seungcheol x reader, other members may make appearances/be mentioned 

↬ genre/aus: lovers to exes, heavy angst, a tiny bit of fluff (mainly from flashbacks), song au, sad ending, slight college/university au, first love, childhood friends 

↬ summary: in which seungcheol remembers his first and only love, and how he broke her heart. 

↬ rating(s): m,18+ (see warnings) 

↬ tw: heavy swearing, mentions of alcohol/heavy consumption (it’s mentioned that reader gets drunk), failed love (im so sorry), bittersweet/sad ending, heartbreak (im so sorry y’all), mentions of bullying (brief, mainly verbal), brief mention/description of a nightmare (seungcheol has one in a flashback), seungcheol is kind of bad at feelings and starts to pull away from reader, miscommunication (smh), mentions of emotional breakdowns (very, very brief and not very detailed), mentions of a past relationship (very brief), prepare your tissues, this one’s even sadder than the first fic, so basically read this if you wanna cry lskdjfljdf

↬ wc: 5k

↬ note: hello loves! this is a mini fic set in the ‘half a heart’ universe ! i highly recommend reading the original fic first before reading this to get some context/background. that fic takes place from y/n’s perspective, so i suggest you read that first :) i decided to write a version of this fic in cheol’s pov, as i got an ask from @sketchguk​ aka teresa who said that she wanted to know what was going on inside his head in the original fic, and i thought, why not? again, please go read the original fic FIRST before reading this one :) the title of this fic comes from the song ‘long way down’ by one direction <3 yeah clearly i’ve been loving angst lately skldjflkjf 

(link to original fic here) 

tears stung seungcheol’s eyes as he lay curled in a ball on his bed, clutching a worn band tee to his chest, the faint smell of citrus and mint invading his senses. it’d belonged to his first and only love. you’d lent it to him as a joke, saying that if he had wanted a keepsake of yours, all he had to do was ask. he hadn’t had the heart to give it back, much to your delight and amusement. 

it’d been exactly four months since he’d lost the only person he’d ever loved, four months since he walked out on the best thing that had ever happened to him, four months since he lost the love of his life. yet, the heartbreak and regret never faded, burned into his heart like a brand, and nothing had ever been the same since. 

he was a complete and utter fool for treating you the way he did, pushing you away when you were only worried about him. the mere mention of your name was enough to make his heart ache. his body shook with soft sobs as images of your gorgeous smile flashed across his mind. the memory of your gentle kisses and touches were burned into his skin like a brand.

if he closed his eyes, seungcheol could still picture you beside him, lacing your fingers with his over the center console of his car, see the pure love and amusement in your eyes as he stole kisses from you at every red light, cleaving his heart in two, never to be made whole again. 

loving you had been as easy as breathing, and a decision that he would never regret. you were selfless, compassionate, and loved with every fiber of your being. while you weren’t overly affectionate, you expressed it in other ways, whether it’d be getting takeout from his favorite restaurant or simply letting him use your lap as a pillow during movie nights. 

you were always there for him, no matter what. seungcheol would never forget how you held him all night after he’d had a terrible and bizarre nightmare that had shaken him. you didn’t push for an explanation, letting him sob into the crook of your neck, carding your fingers through his hair. as he had with you, you never pushed him to talk about anything if it was too overwhelming to do so, always giving him the time and space he needed to sort his shit out. 

it’d been enough to convince himself that your relationship would withstand the test of time. hot tears scalded his cheeks, blurring his vision, and a helpless whimper escaped him, clutching the worn band tee tighter, like a lifeline. the day that things had ended between you would forever haunt him, for it was when he’d lost the most amazing person in the world. 

you hadn’t lashed out or yelled at him like he thought you would. instead, you had just stared at him, confused and sad, dark eyes glinting with unshed tears. “why? why don’t you stay?” you had asked, voice barely above a whisper, and seungcheol had felt his heart ache irrevocably. 

“i’m sorry love, i’m so sorry things between us had to end this way. you deserve better than me.” had been all he could muster, and with a soft kiss to your cheek, seungcheol had walked away from the only person he ever loved, taking the blissful moments of your relationship with him. 

it’d been the hardest fucking thing he’d ever had to do, but seungcheol knew that he would never been able to forgive himself if he hurt you anymore than he already had. the days following the breakup would’ve been miserable, and would’ve likely stayed that way if it weren’t for woozi. out of all your friends, he had always been the closest to him, and seungcheol had been surprised to see him show up on his doorstep, threatening to break the door down if he didn’t let him in. 

woozi had insisted on bringing all his favorite snacks and offering to play all his favorite video games with him, even the ones he was absolutely shit at. he also listened to his endless rambling and lamenting about you, about how he’d fucked up such an amazing thing in his life, and how if he could turn back time, he would make sure to never cause you pain. 

“hyung, i know that this breakup hasn’t been easy, but you can’t just keep wallowing around in here. you need to go out and try and move on. the breakup has also been hard on y/n, but she’s trying her hardest every day to heal. you should too.” woozi had said one night while playing overwatch, never taking his eyes away from the flat screen in his living room.

as much as he hadn’t wanted to admit it, his friend had had a point. continuing to wallow in his self pity and regret was only going to make him suffer more, so seungcheol decided to pick up hobbies such as reading and working out. 

he visited a local bookstore, spending hours browsing through their extensive selection and picking out books that stood out to him, excited to get back into reading. he also channeled all of his anger and resentment at himself while working out, trying to erase all memories of you from his mind, even if temporarily. 

what a fool i was, to ever think that i could forget someone as amazing as you, not when you ruined me for anyone else. seungcheol thought miserably, curling his fingers in the soft fabric of your shirt, shutting his eyes, as if doing so would block out the pain of losing you. 

for him, you had always been there, his support system outside of his family, long before you started dating. he’d grown up in the same neighborhood as you, which had naturally led to him developing a strong friendship with you. seungcheol still remembered how his family and yours would invite one another over for parties or dinner, always finding excuses to get together. 

the day seungcheol had met you had been a sunny day in march, when the spring flowers were in full bloom, and that had been when he’d unknowingly met his soulmate, his best friend. 

elementary school had been a blur, though he vaguely remembered how he’d been fiercely protective of you, threatening to beat up the boys who thought you were weird and way too quiet. he had even gotten into a fight with one boy after he’d insulted you, calling you a freak, which had landed him in detention for weeks. worth it.

high school was eventful, as it was the time you and him were discovering what you wanted to do with your future, as well as experiencing your first crushes and heartbreaks. during sophomore year, he had comforted you after your first breakup, when your asshole of a boyfriend had dumped you over text, stating that he had found someone else. 

you had been utterly devastated, and it’d taken all the self control in seungcheol not to drive over to the prick’s house and punch him. instead, he’d come over to your house immediately after school, bringing a bag laden with your favorite snacks and offered to watch the cheesiest and trashiest romcoms he could find on netflix, letting you sob into his shoulder and run gentle fingers through your hair. 

“that asshole didn’t deserve you, not for one second. he’s a fucking coward for dumping you over text, and a complete and utter idiot for even considering breaking up with you in the first place. you’re beautiful and kind and the most genuine person i know, and anyone who doesn’t appreciate you for who you are can go to hell.” seungcheol had said when you’d broken the news to him the day after the breakup, immediately taking you into his strong arms and holding you close. 

and, when college began, he had begun to fall in love with his best friend. he couldn’t pinpoint the exact moment he realized that his feelings for you were anything but platonic. perhaps it was when he started noticing the soft curve of your mouth, and the way anything you wore fit you like a glove, or how something as simple as a smile was enough to send his pulse racing. 

ultimately, though, it was how caring and considerate you were, always making sure that he got enough sleep and that he ate enough, dropping by his apartment at ungodly hours at night, holding plastic bags full of snacks or takeout from his favorite chinese restaurant, insisting that he eat something before he passed out. and, no matter what, you always listened. 

seungcheol always had a hard time being vulnerable with others, even with his own family. he wanted to appear as someone strong and reliable, and thus he tried to keep his emotions hidden. with you, however, he felt as if he could let go of all his worries and just vent, rambling on and on with no direction. 

you would listen attentively and carefully to each and every word, even if it was complete gibberish. and like he did for you, you always lent him a shoulder to cry on and was always there to brush back his hair and wipe away his tears with the pad of your thumb or with a tissue, dark brown eyes soft. 

seungcheol had fallen in with you, slowly, then all at once, and despite the gnawing feeling in his chest and gut that told him that dating his best friend would inevitably be his ruin, he knew that trying to deny that he saw you as anything but his best friend was laughable. 

his confession had been nothing short of awkward and emotional, with him rambling and stuttering over his words like an idiot, fighting back tears, out of fear that you would laugh in his face or worse, be outright disgusted. instead, you had pulled him into the softest kiss of his life, a light touch of lips to lips, your hand cupping his cheek gently. 

seungcheol had felt as if a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders, for you hadn’t scorned or pushed him away. you were the only person that made him feel all these emotions. and, as clichè as it was, the only one he felt safe and accepted with. 

like most new relationships, the start of it had been pure and utter bliss. seungcheol had made sure to be attentive, extremely caring, and loving. he even went out of his way to send you a daily selfie and sweet and cheesy text messages whenever you were apart, ones such as: i miss you:(( or make sure to eat today love, okay?  and, if he was feeling particularly sappy, god, you’re so fucking beautiful, i wonder how i got so lucky. 

sure, some of his texts were cheesy and sappy, but as long as they made you smile, seungcheol could care less, even if his older brother would tease him about continously. seungcheol also made sure to tell you how much he adored you. and, every night, he would facetime you, just to see your face and say good night. 

whenever he would spend the night at your dorm, seungcheol would make it a point to cook you dinner, insisting that you sit on the couch and watch tv and relax, even suggesting that you take a nap if you were exhausted from classes. when you’d tried to help, he had gently shooed you away from the kitchen. “i appreciate you wanting to help, love, but all i want you to do is sit on the couch and relax okay? you can even take a nap if you want, i’ll wake you up once dinner’s ready.”

seungcheol sobbed, burying his face in his pillow. memories of you and him sneaking kisses whenever he’d stop at a red light, that adorable blush staining your cheeks whenever he placed a hand on your thigh while driving, brushing hair back from your face; the way your eyes crinkled at the corners whenever you smiled, and the soft, musical laugh that would spill from your lips after he’d told you a terrible joke, dark brown eyes fond,  and the way your kisses had ruined him for anyone else, flashed across his mind.

even now, seungcheol knew that he was the reason things had gone awry in your relationship. though, before, there had been a fair amount of petty fights here and there, as no relationship was perfect. whenever he was angry or sad with you, he would make sure to communicate as much. 

at times, seungcheol knew he could get a bit possessive and jealous, especially when you started becoming close with kim mingyu and his friends. you had met them during your junior year of college, and had gushed about them to him weeks later. 

“babe, you’d love them! they’re all so friendly and caring! they all really take care of me, they make sure i’m eating and sleeping normally, and they also are extremely protective of me. oh, and they can be kind of loud and chaotic, but they’re great guys! i’d love for you to meet them!” you’d gushed over a late night phone call with him one day, a fond smile tugging at the corners of your mouth. while seungcheol was happy that you had people to look after you while he wasn’t by your side, he couldn’t help the pang of jealousy that shot through him every time you’d talk about them. 

admittedly, upon first meeting your friends, seungcheol had been a bit apprehensive. it’d taken place at the small cafè on your campus on a warm, sunny day in april. mingyu had been the first to introduce himself, and seungcheol had been a bit intimidated by his physique and height. 

and, as much as seungcheol hated to admit it, kim mingyu was admittedly one of the most handsome guys he’d ever seen, with dark curls that fell over perfectly chiseled cheekbones, warm amber eyes, all long legs and broad shoulders. he was also one of the nicest people seungcheol had ever met, immediately offering to buy him a coffee or anything he wanted on the cafè menu, despite knowing him for just a few measly seconds.

 the rest of your friends, wonwoo, seungkwan, vernon, joshua, hoshi, jeonghan, jun, minghao, woozi, and dino also introduced themselves, and seungcheol immediately felt guilty for being jealous, for they genuinely really wanted to get to know him. still though, he couldn’t help but have a small few moments of jealousy, especially when one of them would wrap an arm around your shoulders or steady you by the waist when you had one too many drinks on a night out. 

there were instances where seungcheol would find himself sulking and pouting, but immediately stop when you’d plant kisses all over his face and let him use your lap as a pillow while watching movies or tv and carding your fingers through his hair. 

and, because he was immature and (possibly) a bit petty, seungcheol would find himself unconsciously flexing his muscles around mingyu, which was quite laughable, considering that the younger male was much taller than him and could, quite literally, crush him like a bug if he wanted to. luckily for seungcheol, you had found it quite amusing, so much so that you’d relentlessly tease him about for days on end. 

“mingyu wants to know why you’re always glaring at him.” you had said casually during movie night one day, when seungcheol had been using your lap as a pillow, relishing in the soothing feeling of your fingers running through his hair. “what are you talking about?” “mingyu has noticed that you’re always glaring at him, like you want to murder him or something. his words, not mine.”

seungcheol had fought to keep an embarrassed blush from forming on his face. “i’m not glaring at him.” you snorted. “uh huh, and i’m the queen of england. look, if this is because you’re jealous or paranoid that mingyu is going to steal me away-” “i am not jealous.” he mumbled, cutting you off abruptly. “he’s just… intimidating.” 

at that, you had cackled, dark eyes glittering with amusement. “babe, mingyu is not intimidating. he just comes off that way because of his height and build. he’s one of the kindest people i’ve ever come across. he’s really a big softie and super clumsy, don’t let the height and muscles fool you.” you mused, and this time, seungcheol hadn’t bothered to hide his blush, color spreading onto his cheeks. “don’t you dare mention any of this to him.” “i won’t.” 

seungcheol had always considered himself to be a private person, keeping to himself most of the time, and was pretty guarded, even with you. it’d taken a while for him to become comfortable with opening up about his struggles and worries. but you, ever the evangelist, never pushed. 

you’d simply waited for him to open up to you, and for that seungcheol had been grateful. you were always so patient with him, never forcing him to open up about why he was suddenly sad or what had ticked him off during the day. even now, guilt pooled in his stomach. he’d been a complete asshole for even doubting that you’d judge him or think of him as weak. 

that had all changed one faithful night in may, when seungcheol had been tossing and turning in his bed for hours, unable to keep his intrusive thoughts at bay. he hadn’t had nightmares often, but when he did, they often left him feeling very unsettled. the particular one he had had that night was no exception.

the air was crisp and cool as seungcheol stood on the sidewalk of a seemingly empty street in seoul, humming softly to himself. the sky was a vastless shade of baby blue, and the sun shone brightly, bathing the world in beams of golden light. 

“babe!” seungcheol looked up to see you standing across the street, clad in a light blue sundress that complimented your tan skin, dark hair falling in perfect curls down your back. he couldn’t help the fond smile that tugged at the corners of his lips as you waved to him, eyes glittering with mirth.

“stay there! i’ll go to you!” you yelled, and with a bright smile, set one sandaled foot on the street. then, seungcheol heard the unmistakable rumble of a car engine, and immediately felt his blood run cold. “love, watch out!” he screamed, fear coursing through him, and he could only watch in horror as the car drew near- 

he had woken up tangled in his bedsheets, beads of sweat coating his forehead, cheeks stained with tears, feeling extremely unsettled. seungcheol had immediately grabbed his phone and called you, ignoring how fast his heart was beating. you had picked up after two rings, voice slightly groggy with sleep. 

“hello? babe, is that you?” “hi, love, yeah, it’s me. i’m sorry if i woke you, i know it’s late.” to this day, seungcheol still felt awful for calling you at such an ungodly hour, but he needed to hear your voice. “no, it’s okay, what’s wrong?” you had asked, concern evident in your voice. 

seungcheol had hesitated at first, contemplating if he should just lie and make up some lame excuse, but had ultimately decided against it. just be honest with her. “i just woke up from a nightmare, and i’m feeling so unsettled. is it okay if i spend the night with you, love?” his tone had been shaky, but at least he hadn’t started sobbing over the phone. 

“of course, do you need me to get you anything?” “no, i just need you.” the drive there had been agonizing, with seungcheol hastily wiping away his tears with the back of his hand, forcing himself to focus on the road. his apartment was about a thirty minute commute from your dorm, and yet it’d felt like an eternity. 

it was when seungcheol finally showed up on your doorstep, eyes swollen from crying that he finally allowed himself to break down, all but throwing himself into your arms and sobbing into the crook of your neck. for the rest of the night, you’d just held him, rubbing comforting circles on his back and carding your fingers through his hair, the gesture familiar and comforting. 

you’d been the one to break the silence first. “do you want to talk about it?” you had asked, voice gentle, as if you were afraid of scaring him. seungcheol had shaken his head resolutely. “it was horrible, love, absolutely horrible and fucking terrifying.” “what was it about? you don’t have to tell me if you feel uncomfortable.” 

seungcheol had shaken his head resolutely. “no, i don’t want to keep this from you. besides, i know that if i keep this to myself, i’ll go fucking insane.” he had cleared his throat, took a long, shaky exhale, and told you all about his nightmare, not leaving out a single detail. 

“it was awful, and i don’t know exactly what caused it, but all i know is that i was standing on the sidewalk, and you were standing on the other side, looking radiant in that light blue dress you love so much, and you stepped out to cross the street, and-god, it f-felt so real, and it was so fucking terrifying. it just… the dream felt so real.” he had whispered, unable to keep his voice from shaking. 

that one emotional night had changed the entire trajectory of his relationship with you. seungcheol, like the fool he was, had begun to pull away from you, little by little. he hated it, hated that the hurt and confused expression that flashed across your face when he’d outright flinch whenever you tried to show him any ounce of affection, or when he’d make up some shitty excuse to get out of a date early. 

hurting you was something that seungcheol had ever intended do, and yet, that was exactly what he had done. brushing you off every time you asked him if something was bothering him made him feel absolutely shitty. seungcheol had never loathed himself more. he hated not being open and honest with you, like he did that night, but the thought of you thinking of him as a burden frightened him. 

at the time, pulling away from you had seemed like the best option at the time. he hadn’t wanted to be a burden to you, so if he had to keep himself emotionally closed off, then so be it. at least, that’s what he had had told himself. it was a pathetic excuse, really, for you had no problem opening up to him. 

the truth of the matter was that seungcheol was a fucking coward. he was a fucking coward because he was afraid of showing and expressing his emotions, in fear of being seen as weak. at first, he had convinced himself it was because of his older brother, who had never been vulnerable with him, and had never shown emotion in public. 

he seemed so strong and invincible, and, as a little kid, seungcheol had thought that was admirable, amazing, even, how an individual could seem so immune to the tragedies and hardships that life threw at them. now that he was older, seungcheol realized that doing so only caused one suffering. 

showing emotions wasn’t weak, it was just a sign that you were human, as he had come to realize. only, he realized as much too late, for it had cost him the one person that he’d loved more than anything: you. when you’d finally confronted him about his shitty behavior, you hadn’t screamed or snapped at him like he’d expected you to. 

instead, you had him sit on the couch, with you standing in front of him calmly, arms crossed over your chest, lips curved into a deep frown. “why have you been pulling away from me?is it because i’m too nosy? am i too clingy? if you need your space, you can just tell me, you know. i won’t mind.” you had said gently, and seungcheol could tell you were fighting back tears, from the way your teeth was digging into your lower lip, and how strained your voice was.

no, he’d wanted to say, shout, even, the way i’ve been acting is not your fault, it’s mine. i’m a fucking coward who can’t even muster up the courage to be vulnerable with his own girlfriend.  i also like to run from my problems and avoid confrontation, and because i’m such a genius, i decided that purposefully pulling away from you was the best option. 

instead, like the fucking coward he was, he gave you a half-assed apology, and definitely not the one you deserved. “i’m sorry, love, i know that’s a terrible fucking apology, and definitely not the one you deserve, but hurting you was the last thing i wanted to do, and that’s exactly what i did. and i don’t think i’ll ever be able to forgive myself. so, shout at me, argue with me, break my heart. just don’t give up on me.”

those words had been enough for you to fall into his arms, sobbing, and seungcheol could only hold you as you sobbed uncontrollably into his chest, guilt gnawing at his insides. it’d been a shitty thing to do, to lie straight to your face like he did, but he couldn’t bring it in himself to tell the truth. 

seungcheol let out a bitter laugh, burying his face into his hands, and sobbing, clutching the worn band shirt tighter. god, he was the worst fucking person, having broken your heart like he did, and it was no surprise to him that woozi hadn’t contacted him since he had visited his house weeks ago. its probably because he realized how deeply you hurt y/n, and that you’re the biggest asshole to ever exist. 

“i’m so pathetic.” he whispered aloud to the empty room, to the darkness. all the light in his life had been snuffed out since you were no longer by his side, and he was certain that he’d never be that blissfully happy again. ever. for you were the only person that understood him, the only one who had put up with his bullshit.

 that is, until you realized that he was doing nothing but hurting you, causing you nothing but pain, and decided that completely cutting him out of your life was the best decision. seungcheol didn’t blame you, not for one second. he would’ve done the same, had he been in your shoes. 

i don’t blame you for resenting me love, i would too. i just hope that you are happy, and that you’ve found someone who will treat you a whole lot fucking better than i did, and give you the fairytale happy ending you deserve. 

fresh tears slid down seungcheol’s cheeks, and all he could do was curl up in a tighter ball on his bed and sob. he would never, ever, forgive himself for hurting you, for pushing away the one good thing in his life, the one person who he had ever loved, his best friend, his soulmate. i love you, y/n, and i always will, till the day i die. 

↬ note: well.. this… was depressing. i promise the next fic will be MUCH happier i swear. anyways, it was honestly really fun to write from seungcheol’s pov, as i also kind of wondered what was going on inside his head in ‘half a heart.’ i hope you all enjoyed this sad fic, and feedback is always appreciated, but not needed :) i hope that everyone is having an amazing summer so far <3 sending everyone all the good vibes and love <33333 also, the ateez comeback??? THEY DID THAT !!! (the choreo to bouncy is literally INSANE omg) 

also this fic is dedicated to @sketchguk​, aka teresa, who inspired this entire fic <3 I LOVE YOU <3333 and, honestly, without her, this fic wouldn’t have even been a thing. and AHHH i can’t believe i’ve posted two fics in a span of a few days like what??? who is she??? i honestly missed posting fics, and i cannot believe i have interconnected fics now hehe 

also, much, much, love to anyone that actually read this long ass author’s note i love y’all <3 

tagging: @sketchguk​ , @playmetheclassics​, @taeyo95​ , @shuadotcom , @skyjoong, @hong-jisoo​ , @adulttoast​ + anyone else who wants to read 

[drowninginblox]

Bittersweet Band AU

This I use inspired by a playlist I found on Spotify under the same name.

Below is going to be my headcanons and personal alterations to their AU. All I know is the following: Finn is the lead singer Alphonse is the Bassist Seth does Guitar Charlie Drums

The following are my thoughts and my thoughts alone. I don't tune into YurriVoice streams (im sorry!) so if the man himself has said anything about the guy's singing habits- they're not taken into account here. My b.

Finn isn't the only one that sings

Even though he is the main man for vocals, Al and Charlie are always ready to offer up their voice for a few songs. Seth on the other hand, I think he'd be apprehensive as hell.

Seth thinks he fucking sucks at singing but he's the best. If it wasn't for shitting on himself, management would force Finn out of the job. But no one can convince him otherwise. To Seth, the only singing he can do is background vocals if anything.

Seth and Finn started the band

Seth and Finn met in college. Well, let me rephrase that- Finn was in college, while Seth was the cute boy at the local bar who just so happened to play sets when he wasn't bartending.

Seth always stole the show. Mans was radiating main character energy. Magic shit going on.

Finn introduces himself and the pair somehow became good friends. Slowly Seth introduces Alphonse and Charlie to Finn, they all find out they have talent (woah) and after fucking around for a few months in Al's garage, they decide to go indie.

That is until they have a single that goes mainstream and they follow the success from there

Bittersweet isn't the band's name + fictional fan service (?)

I personally have no idea what the band's name would be but it defo wouldn't be bittersweet (to me). Instead, bittersweet is Al and Seth's ship name created by the fans (much like the main series but Yurri made the name instead and... yknow). All the ships created in this AU have names like this one instead of smashing the pair's names together (no I'm not jealous of the RWBY fandom- you are!)

Below is my indulgence of this idea

Finn and Al: Lavender Floss

Seth and Finn: Black Dahlia

Finn and Charlie: Heathens (a reference to when the two ask for pineapple pizza, Al, Seth, and the greater fandom haven't let this atrocity go)

Seth and Al: Bittersweet (ofc)

Seth and Charlie: Thrifting Queens

Al and Charlie: Bad habits

Little dose everyone know the band's own manager is at the center of a harem *cough cough* yeah bitches. Y'all walked into my trap card- Y/N is canon in this AU.

Conflict (if i were to write further into this AU)

Derek/ dark gang shit would still happen in this AU. Along with all of Al and Seth's shared fucked up shit. However, the dynamic would be somewhat like the beginning of Bittersweet- Seth and Al have tension between them but they act like mostly nothing is wrong. They don't wanna talk about it and Finn and Charlie won't bring it up out of fear for fucking up what the band has going on. To put it simply- the water is under the bridge, but the bridge is rickety and held together with duck tape and chewing gum but no one wants to bring up how crappy it is since it gets the job done.

While this is going on in the background, the public sees Seth and Al's chemistry and think that they are besties (or maybe more wink wink nudge nudge). This would eventually turn into some kind of big fight, one that Finn hasn't seen out of Al and Seth while Charlie has only seen this like... once ...a long time ago

Have it all be framed as shit no one talks about with Y/n because the band's relationship with them is mostly business. Hell- have shit that even other members don’t talk about happen!

Have people from everyone's past come up and like try to bear their fangs into what stakes the band has, whether the actual profit or like social stuff (Ex: an old EX of Finn or Al’s, maybe Charlie’s family ykno?)

Regardless of what conflict you make, the important part is that nothing should be addressed until it absolutely has to be addressed. Regardless of who brings it up first.

The main plot and side plots that I've thought on

There can be conflict in a plot, hence why this is seperate

So the main plot overall is going to be the band growing from indie into the main stream (maybe a tour arc too?)

Side plots would include, but are not limited to

Fandom meddling (This includes shipping, and the fans poking, and prodding into the band. Members even spoiling stuff before the band even announces it)

People from each member's pasts come back to “lay their claim” on any and all profit the band makes (as stated before)

Corporate meddling, whether it be Y/n themselves, or someone upper or lower down the ladder

The looming anxiety that every one of them if not any one of them can, and will be replaced if the band is not doing consecutively well

Social stunts (hooking up with other celebrities, in person or radio interviews, the tour in general)

Being stuck in different locations for varying moments in time

Each boy's relationship with a Y/N and each other

The sudden realization that the boys can do almost anything they want (with varying consequences to their actions) +how far you're willing to push that.

Okay, I'm done with my ramblings. I'm never gonna write about this AU but I think it's really fun to think about.

[nameissmile]

And I don't knowwwwww I just want to be happy and alive at the same time but I'm so worried all the time about everything because I'm going toa a school in the south now and it's just talk stressful because I'm literally surrounded by people who might kill me for being alive and I don't want to be bullied but I also don't wanna say I support trump because that will make me throw up if I say that with my mouth but if I say I want to vote Harris then I'll be bullied or killed or SOMETHING and then also I've heard so many more slurs here said by people who don't have the right to say them more than in any school I've been to and I switched schools every two years or some stupid shit and then I miss my friends because I just wanna forget about all the stress of living in dogshit America because dogshit America and the way things will affect me personally is something I have to worry about and then I'm going to be an adult soon and I'm going to have to move away and go to a good college because I wanna be an art major or something and there's no art schools in my state and then I'm trying to do a bunch of after school stuff because I think it will be genuinely cool and fun but it takes SO KUCH effort to be the me I've told everyone that I am everyday because some days I gldint want to talk at all and I just want to blast music and draw for hours on end so I don't have to talk to anyone and then I've been thinking about the future because I have to decide which college I want to go to because of dmcourse of I have to and then I've been thinking about what will happen if my dad dies and I've just been grieving something hasn't even happened yet and how am I supposed to tell him that?? You can just say that your sad because your grieving something that hasn't even passed yet and there's this one guy in my class and he's so annoying and horrible because he doesn't let anyone else speak their opinions or ideas if he thinks he's in the right and then he doesn't even fact check people if they say stuff why would you do that and I'm in so many classes with him and his voice is so grating and horrible I just wish I could puncha and kill and hurt and bite him till he bleeds and make him feel the pain that he makes me feel even if he doesn't mean to and it's like just be CD use your a white guy who happens to be gay you aren't interesting and you are horrible person to be around I hope you know that and then I wrote an essay last week and I finished it then I re read my essay the next day and realized I didn't really answer the question I just rambled on about a topic that was sort of related to the question ask I was going to work on it but this weekend I wasn't able to get into my email because OF COURSE I COUDLNT and it's like??? I wish there was something there has to be something something I can do or take or maybe I'm missing just one vitamin or SOEMTHING na did If I take it everything will be perfect and amazing and I won't be so weak anymore. I wish I didn't have that one panic attack when I moved away from my friends and I wish I didn't have such great friends because they make me feel emotions and cry and think about stuff and help me realize who I am as a person and I just wish I wasn't a person because animals can still make art can still have friends Aldan still have fun I wish I was religious or that my dad hated me or I had a horrible family so I could blame my problems on SOMETHING ANYTHING ANYTHING BUT NO IM JUST QEIRD AND HORRIBLE AND MY BRAIN HATES ME FOR SOME REAOSN BUT IM TRYING MY BWST???? I WISH I PERSON AND I WISH I WAS JORMAL AND I WISH I WAS A MLAFEICAN MILLIPEDE AND I WISH WE WOULD STAY TO GETHER FOEEVER. I wish I could take tomorrow off but I have an essay to write and I have to do a lab tomorrow too and I have to sit in the class with the lower grades and their horrible horrible horrible and I wish I could just pause time for a moment everything going so fast too fast I need a moment to BREATHE

Nobody has to listen to me. I hope you do though because I really need help I need something anything

[the-woild-is-y-erster]

I'm going to bed soon, but I just want to say (as an adult that dropped outta college and then went back) that your education is not final. It's not be all end all.

It'll hurt for a while, everythin hurts for a bit, but either you'll tell her or you won't, and that's okay. Your choices are for you, and we all care about you man. You're not stupid for jus like? feelin feelins. All that shits totally normal and valid but you hafta stick with life nd with us or whoever you ends up spending life with. I can't help much nd I ain't gonna pretend I can (<- on the aroace spectrums) with the whole love thing, but jus know that it's ALWAYS better to write your thoughts out then keep em inside. That way you can come back later and look at them nd see your thought processes nd stuff. Or you can write em out nd delete it if that helps.

Life might suck right now, but it ain't gonna suck forever. The only way that it WILL suck forever is if it's cut short, so don't let that happen, y'know? If life tries to kick you down, throw mfing hands and take your time and get back up when you can. It don't matter when you do, just that you do at all.

I dunno. I dunno if this helps, but I'm jus tryin to say that you're not alone and youse cared about nd also jesus christ my typing style help god please not the newsies the infection (/lh). Stay safe man. - Jack

fuckyou im sobbing now/lh

i just

i grew up being taught that showing any emotion besides Happy or Neutral is Bad!™️ so its really difficult for me to like

deal with anything? because i was taught to push feelings down and stick it out, and my parents have made it all worse by never showing emotion either. i didnt see my dad cry in front of me until i was fourteen, and the only time ive seen my mom cry was when i got a bad grade, so its all fun and games here. and my pa is literally bashitbonkersoutthewazzoo. like he's a conservative (we live in the south us for context so its even Worse!) and he taught me to shoot a gun at the ripe age of three! and theres a gun in every room and he's a. he reveres ben shapiro and jesse kelly and those guys, and i spent the entire quarantine listening to him talk abt how the election was faked and how covid was either fake or brought by the chinese (he couldnt decide) and hes severly racist!!! yippee!!/s so feelings arent a big thing in my house.

added onto the fact that i was raised christian? the first time i looked at a girl differently, or the first time i realized how uncomfortable i was jn my own body was horrifying to me. im atheist (ish? it's complicated) now so it doesnt matter to me, but i still have all that internalized crap abt liking her.

and i have severe pain in both of my knees like literally 24/7 and ive had it for YEAAARS but my ma didnt believe me until super recently and so i only just got an appointment with an orthopedic doctor! because the first general doctor told me i was faking it<3

and!!!!!!! the real fukcing kicker!!!! my parents have blatantly refused to pay for my education!!!!!!! like outright and several times!!!!!! only because i wanna get my bachelors in fine arts in theater!!!! they said it was a stupid degree and that i would get nowhere<3 so ive got that ahead of me too. and the last time i got a bad grade, i got grounded for two months. and it was a 79.5 on a minor quiz.

so we have fun here.

but i have all these plans!!! and dreams!!!! and places i want to go to and food i want to eat and languages i wanna learn!!! so i know that i'm not gonna off myself, but sometimes.

sometimes it seems reaaaally tempting.

but i really genuinely appreciate you, and riff, and toff, and dave, because you guys are so much nicer and more sympathetic than anyone i know irl.

so like.

love you/p <3

[cryptidshuffle]

not really a vent but i am complaining about life shit under the readmore lol

i feel so weird mentally rn and its making me feel like shit urgh. ive felt like shit pretty consistently since i moved back home so like. all year pretty much. like i used to be able to distract myself with school but after i graduated its like shit what do i do now. i really just had no purpose for a while. to the point where i didnt work and now have like no money and more credit card debt than im comfortable with having.

the whole point of me going back to work at d isney is bc i really didnt know what else to do with myself. ive felt bad ever since i left there. the only reason i didnt stay was bc i wanted to finish my degree and i did. idk if i actually liked workng there that much or if i just liked being on my own for the first time. but regardless being at my parents house feels suffocating after having that independence. so regardless ive justified going back to dw as like. the reasonable thing for me right now and i am excited to be going back. merch ive been told is way easier than quick service and my location seems like itll be fun (not to dox myself too hard but its at my personal favorite park... lol i lucked out) and i have friends from my first college program that still live and work down there! i even met up with a few recently and it felt good and i didnt feel lonely and weird.

anyways uh. i had a point with this im sure

im moving down there like. soon. little less than 2 weeks. and i dont feel prepared ive spent the last several days doing jack shit staying up late sleeping in later. barely crawling out of bed to eat a snack and dinner and then crawling back to bed.

i feel like theres so much i need to get done before then in terms of packing and what not and things i wanna do before then and it doesnt help that my moms planning one last big family weekend trip the weekend bc my brother will be home from college so shes gonna be weird about everyone all together for a week before everyone leaves again. i hrgrhrhgrgr

not to mention i have to share a room and didnt have time to try snd link with a roommate. what if i get paired with some freak. what if i get paired by someone who decided im some freak. i literally wont know until i get there urgh. the last roommates i had we barely talked but at least i knew one was also nonbinary and also we all had separate rooms. its different when u gotta share. urgh

and its 3am!fuck my life

[imlosingmyfuckingmindgirl]

past week, dec 24.

actually i should have written this yesternight. but, these fuckers were dancing throughout the night and i was also sucked in, so i decided to dance too, and i got fucking wasted. as soon i hit the bed, i slept. lol. so here i am, writing this on a empty stomach. waiting for these people to shut up so i can eat my food in peace. vroski, i want peace. i want solace here, real solace bruh. i feel like i don't wanna do this anymore by xxxtentacion. current song playing - nova - whitley on loop. hmm, past week was exhausting ngl, i had to submit the engineering graphics on friday, right?. i did not do shit, all week. i had to calculate my time on how i was about to the work without missing my friday classes. then i woke up at 6 am on friday and aced all that stuff under 2 hours. and these fuckers did that shit all night, still they could not complete it. we had tests throughout the week. EE test got me fucked up bad, physics too. I scored a 6/15 on physics, by fucking studying on that day. like damn, i was expecting i'd get a two or three. but okay, i think i got enough. i just get more cold, as time goes over and over. this lyric is so fucking relatable lol. do i write my journals good? i feel like i need to exchange these with someone, more preferably with someone who i feel connected. lemme just go and get my fucking food. to be continued. so here i am, writing after eating my dinner and watching the fourth episode of arcane. damn this arcane so good bruh. anyway, we had tests and a hectic ass scheduled week, but now im glad its over and not so glad because another one is loading after this weekend. plus plus PLUS, we just got to know that we are having our midsems from 31st dec. like what the fuck bruh. we have papers on both the days, 31st and 1st. like fuck me. plus those two papers are the worst. fucking ME111 and PSC. i hate them both. very much. we had been told that midsems will be from 2nd Jan, not 31st Dec. fucking hell. fuck this college, seriously. current song - lil uzi vert - ashanti. song gets me so hyped lol. i dont know why i get so jolly while i reminisce about the old days. no matter how they were, good or bad, mostly bad, i would still want to go back to them. somewhere someone said that people like us see the world through rose-tinted glasses, thinking that everything was fine in the past, even when it was not. i dont even know why that happenss. anyway, i had some great moments too, went to surathkal with 2 of my other friends, ate some food there and then we went to the beach, where they give this nice cola for just 10 rs. so fucking fireeee. plus on today, this christmas eve, for the first time i actually went to a church and saw their celebrations. they were nice, some beautiful ladies singing the choir and the students in robes placing some kind of christmas paper on the chairs. the vibe was really nice. i liked it. i wanted the christmas feeling as some of my friends are enjoying themselves in kolkata. and here i am, in this fucking heat with no feeling that the year is ending. lol. i guess this christmas eve was a good day, and now i am feeling sleepy. i think i will write my journal next friday. lets see what happens then. take care, wherever you are. love you. -alister

[sparkerinparadise]

okay im putting this under the cut so yall can choose whether or not u wanna read what happened (i dont think theres anything triggering but its still Shitty so).

> arrived at my dad's house to pick up documentation i need for work

> decide to stay to get a drink of water and say hi to dad + the puppy and cats

> ".......so this is how you wanna spend the rest of your life huh"

> OH BOY HERE WE GO

> says that it's not going to be permanent "yeah well i know you you're just gonna get complacent"

> im just happy to have a job and make money again "you dont HAVE it yet ur still not working"

> "just remember that just bc ur not in college anymore ur patterns arent Going Away. they're still gonna be there and u need to learn to break out of them" (ok fair enough)

> "oh btw ur not exercising are you."

> what makes you say that "i can see ur getting chunky" (i didnt even gain that much weight?????? also idc thats a w im tired of being a literal twig)

> "im honestly concerned that you've compromised ur morals this much" (i expressed very clear disdain for corporate jobs to him in the past but like. oh my god he's acting like i commited a robbery or smth. also u told me to stop being picky when it came to jobs so when i actually LISTEN TO YOU LIKE YOU CONSTANTLY TELL ME THAT YOU WANT ME TO you decide to complain abt it????? lol)

> starts to shut down at this point bc its turned into yet another one of Those conversations and theres no point in me speaking anymore

> "ur gonna look back on this when ur 30 and go oh man my 20s are gone now" (damn i didnt know life ended at 30 lol)

> "ur probably listening to ur friends a lot more than me which im sure is common at ur age but just remember that they dont know SHIT compared to me" (beginning to realize why some ppl hate him so much)

> "(said in a VERY passive-aggressive tone) but hey if u just wanna play video games and work at walmart for the rest of your life im happy for you. whatever makes you happy"

> "just know that ur not gonna make a whole lot of money and ur gonna be BROKE" (my starting wage is $17/hr??????)

> "it makes me sad that you went from a 4.0 student (not even true when i graduated lol) with a full-ride scholarship to living in a shitty neighborhood working at walmart 4 years later" (FUCKING OUCH DUDE WTH DO YOU EVEN REMEMBER THAT I WAS ON/OFF SUICIDAL FOR THE LAST 4 YEARS OR SMTH???)

> "(pause) .......so what do you even wanna DO for the rest of your life??"

> long LONG awkward silence where i've basically ejected myself from Existing and trying VERY hard to not cry

> "......so ur just gonna dissociate again or are u ignoring me. are u trying to wait me out. its ok i have ALLLLL day :)" (i dont but imagine trying to explain to ur already disappointed dad that u wanna catch a friend's livestream)

> more silence

> sees that theres an opportunity to leave and GLADLY takes it

tldr just another regular conversation with dad ^_^ yippeeeeeeeeee

im REALLY trying to not let what my dad said to me yesterday get to me but like.

[antiwhores]

Brand New; Bakugouxreader

After chasing you away when it was revealed that you were pregnant, you start a new life. The baby didn’t survive so your life was your own withiut trave of him. A life without Bakugou. Can he do the same as good as you? You’re happy. Is he?

TW: hurt, angst, no comfort for Bakugou, unwanted pregnancy, miscarriage, break ups, fighting (verbal), good ending for reader, not proof read, unprotected sex, hatred.

I was just in that angsty mood yk? Yall btw, i wanna cut my vagina off fr. And i dont want myears anymore. Whats the point of hearing if it only works sometimes?! Ugh.

You resented him. Bakugou was officially dead to you. In fact he had been dead to you for a while. But when he decided to pop up into your life and try to ruin it again. You were pissed.

During your sophmore year of highschool you were dating Bakugou. You two were childhood friends, attached at the hip. But when he decided that fucking with a faulty condom would be a good thing, even when you protested, it all changed.

He got you pregnant. All because he didn’t wanna wait to get his dick wet till he could get a new condom to replace of the one he’d been carrying in his pocket for the whole span of the 3 day camping trip you two took.

Didn’t he understand that this was a huge change for you too? No, he was selfish.

“I don’t have time for a damn child! Im trying to be a hero for gods sake!” “Okay?! You can’t just try to force and abortion on me like that you piece of shit! This was all you! And you think I don’t have shit to do with my life to?!” “Your life isnt as important as mine!”

You packed your shit and left that week. You never looked back. And you regret nothing.

You moved out to the far countryside of Japan. Somewhere hidden in the fog of a deserted, closed off town. You finished your highschool years in that small little village. You got to know everyone in the town. You went to college in another side of the outskirts and graduated with a degree that would keep you happy.

The baby didn’t survive, you didn’t even have time to think about whether or not you wanted to keep it before it died. You remember going to the doctor about a day or two after the incident to check on the parasite in your stomach. It was gone.

You remember laughing biterly, tears whelling up at what the doctor told you. All that bickering and loss just for a false alarm. You were sick.

Now, for the first time in a long time, you were happy. You were 24 with a house and car, a stable job, plenty of non-judging allies, friends and good relationships, financial stability, a nice area of living, and most of all; you were without him.

You swore never to step back into the city again unless absolutely necessary. Not even for family visits. The family that did want to see you came out to you instead of vice versa. You also made sure not to tell any of your old friends where you had gone.

You knew he patrolled the streets. Even if theres a small chance you’d see him again, you wanted to prevent that at all costs.

But apparently no matter how far you ran, the past ran faster.

Everyone in the town knew eachothers stories and you were no exception. The town knew that you had been betrayed by such a famous man. They were kind, they took down any advertisements for the man, they talked shit whenever he came up on tv, etc.

So of course all hell broke loose when he came to your small town to work on a case. They knew they needed to keep you away from him and they knew how.

So, as Bakugou was roaming the streets, spreading his bitter aura like the plague on everything he touched, you hid.

The plan was almost compromised when he met eyes with you breifly. You were in a neighbors house when it happened. Everyone had just been notified that he came through so you weren’t ready.

You dissapeared from the window as quickly as you came. Even though he beckoned himself a fool, a crazy man for even thinking his first love was in this building after all these years still as gorgeous as he remembers; he still found himself walking up to the door and placing a firm knock.

It was not you whom answered his knock but the neighbor. A tiny brown woman with glassy green eyes who looked about 25. A coldness wafted off of her as she questioned his reasoning for knocking. He felt like a borderline schizophrenic. According to himself, he was just so deperate to see her again that when he saw a woman around the same age as you he was stiff and stunned.

He packed his shit and left that week. He looked back. He regreted everything.