#dl!pearl is suddenly all I can think about again

[eskiinox]

I love double life so much did you know (I think she deserves to kill more people)

[thecoolerliauditore]

I remember last year finally watching Pearl and Scott's last life and. I think I experienced... the same thing that people who dislike FH did in 3L but with Pearl? I was encouraged to watch it by a friend because they said that gaslight gatekeep girlboss was super wholesome and loyal to each other, and that Scott even turned red rather than hurt either of them. But when I watched it, idk it wasn't as bad as I've seen some people describe FH but I was just struck by how often Scott calls Pearl insane or crazy or unhinged just for... existing? Playing the game? Being just a little bit silly sometimes no more than anyone else? He acted like she was a wild animal he had to reign in even though she didn't do anything crazier than what he did. Sometimes he would just randomly call her insane it felt like. It made me finally understand what people meant by those words being ableist with how often he threw them around! It got really uncomfortable!

I got sold GGG as a very cute wholesome winners POV, and I guess compared to everyone else in LL it was, but only if you compare it to other LL teams. People said he was suddenly mean to Pearl in DL, but he mostly repeated a lot of the things he already said about her in LL! I was expecting there to be some shift in how he treated her. Makes me scared to watch Jimmy and Scott's 3L POV if this is what people consider Scott being wholesome!

FASCINATING. this might be my cue to go rewatch GGG Last Life.

I'll be very open and say it's been a fair amount of time since I've sat down to rewatch LL, so I might be looking back at Scott and Pearls relationship with rose tinted glasses -- I spoke a little bit on the soft manipulation that existed between them still, like when Scott yelled at Pearl to kill Joel, but my impression of them is fairly wholesome. Then again I watched LL first and didn't have the context from 3L so the first time I watched their POV it was just. Haha funny blue man cute accent.

So take the rest of this with a grain of salt, at this point I'm fully prepared to say something like "Scott never hit Pearl" and someone will link me their equivalent of the sugar cane scene from 3L lmao.

So I can offer up some semblance of an explanation, if that helps at all to explain the perception gap. One thing is like you said, they were wholesome in comparison to the rest of the teams in LL, which I'd argue were the most disastrous in the series with the damage the "reds can't team with non-reds" rule did to them.

3L teams were also pretty bad, but when you went to compare FH to other teams you had other duos like DD and Renchantyn that had their own issues but served as a very solid point of reference for how they seemed to genuinely respect their partners. Thinking about the clip where Grian and Scott leave Scar and Jimmy to pull the lever on exploding Monopoly Mountain and Grian is trying his best to say he's worried for Scar through gritted teeth because he's Grian and Scotts just like. Well Jimmys probably gonna screw this one up 🙄 A very one to one comparison point presented directly for the viewer.

Scott and Pearl, on the other hand, were the only duo in LL amongst a bunch of massive teams that were falling apart all around them. It gave them this "us against the world" feeling, so to speak.

Maybe if Team BEST was more honest about being Teams BE and ST then we would've had a better comparison point and Scott and Pearl would've seemed way more insane, but then again I've had people vague to me that LL Ethubs is their 3L FH so I'm biting my tongue on this one.

Another thing that I think is more poignant is the factor of hindsight. Scott calling Pearl insane Now is horrifying because of what he did in DL and his calling her that being very much more serious.

In LL Pearl really didn't have any baggage attached to the word "insane" afaik? Unless she got upset at him and I've just forgotten cus it's been too long which is a very likely possibility.

So at the time it just seemed like. Pearl being Pearl and Scott gripping his head in stress and going aughhhhhhhhh ahhhhhh. Which is like. Fine at least to me. Her antics made his blood pressure go but he still went along with them more often than not and stuck by her side.

"She didn't do anything crazier than he did" is SUPER true btw LL Scott is a menace but I also must point out this is a point in hypocrisy but also a point in Pearls personality rubbing off on Scott that season. He was always a crazy arsonist but now he's a crazy arsonist without the angst.

Like the POV is haunting to me now that I have the context of DL and beyond and Scott being serious about the "insane" thing but before I got that context it really did just look like. Pearl being some sort of animal that has wandered into Scott's base and started gnawing at the curtains and Scott trying to scare her away with a broom yelling at the top of his lungs YOURE INSANE. YOURE INSANE. But also the creature if it leaves will Take All of His Lives Away so he has to learn to live with her and through her learn to be a little more chill. Which is the main appeal of that POV, to me at least.

compare say. The part in LL where Pearl steals one of Scars crystals and is genuinely being silly and antagonistic by running around giggling. And Scott's thrown his hands up and going "I DONT APPROVE THIS BUT IM NOT HER BOSS DONT LOOK AT ME". To Episode 2 of WL where Pearl is like? A little bit cheeky to Gem and Gem literally scolds Scott for not "controlling" her well enough and Scott apologises and promises he'll do better. <- ?????? Everything I type out this interaction I have to remind myself it's real btw like what.

and I must say they do have a lot of really genuinely cute moments that season that might be blinding me shoujo sparkle style to the horrors. Like their staring into each others eyes ritual thing for boogeyman assignments, for example. Compare that to the um. Axe crits.

ANYWAY. fascinating insight. To rewatch Pearls POV I go (<- clown makeup is locked and loaded)

[life-winners-liveblog]

Some Losers playing Mafia

DL!Jimmy: Hello everyone! Today I will be your Host!

*DL Tango claps his hands in support*

DL!Jimmy: Heh thanks rancher... *Cough* As I waa saying today we'll be playing Mafia! I'll pass around and give everyone their secret role soon...but first introducing everyone.

DL!Tango: Oh uh sure! I'm Tango.

DL!Jimmy: Then we have flower valley!

*3rd Life Jimmy and Scott wave their hands*

DL!Jimmy: The Nosey Neighbors!

*Limited Life Pearl nods and waves, BigB seems to be distracted*

DL!Jimmy: The Mounders... Minus Mumbo.

SL!Joel: He was busy.

SL!Pearl: But that's fine right?

DL!Jimmy: Oh yeah... Because we have 3rd Life Joel here! ... For some reason?

3L!Joel: I was bored.

DL!Jimmy: Makes sense to me.

~~~~~~

Once everyone has their role.

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: Night falls on the town, all is quiet and you all fall asleep.

*everyone closes their eyes*

DL!Jimmy: Mafia, open your eyes and look at eachother.

*3rd Life Jimmy, DL Tango and SL Joel open their eyes and look at eachother*

DL!Jimmy: Who do you want to kill?

*after some tought they silently decide to point to BigB*

DL!Jimmy: Perfect, close your eyes.

*they do*

DL!Jimmy: Cupid, open your eyes.

*SL Bdubs opens his eyes*

DL!Jimmy: Choose who to link together.

*Bdubs smiles and points to 3rd Life Jimmy and 3L Joel*

DL!Jimmy: Good, close your eyes.

*he does*

DL!Jimmy: Doctor, open your eyes.

*LimL Pearl opens her eyes*

DL!Jimmy: Who do you want to save?

*she points to BigB*

DL!Jimmy: Interesting, you can close your eyes.

*she narrows her eyes and then closes them*

DL!Jimmy: Detective, open your eyes.

*BigB opens his eyes*

DL!Jimmy: Who do you want to investigate?

*he points to LimL Pearl, Jimmy does a thumbs up*

DL!Jimmy: Alright, go back to sleep.

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: It's the next day, the sun is shining and everyone is ready to start their day when... ... Nothing happens.

SL!Bdubs: No fricking way!

3L!Scott: Did the doctor really save the first target?

SL!Joel: That like never happens.

LimL!Pearl: That's insane luck!

3L!Joel: How are we supposed to find the murderers if no murder happened?

SL!Pearl: We don't have proof so our only chance to get Mafia out now is to magically guess based on their reactions to the news mate.

DL!Tango: I mean, 3rd Joel was the only one to look disappointed.

3L!Joel: What!? I was talking about a meta game perspective.

SL!Bdubs: Suspicious..

3L!Joel: No It's not!

3L!Jimmy: I also think that's sussy.

LimL!Pearl: Ugh.

3L!Scott: Jimmy, love, please never say that again.

SL!Pearl: So we are just nominating Joel?

SL!Bdubs: I don't know...

DL!Tango: I am, I'm sure.

3L!Joel: Guys it was a joke!

DL!Jimmy: All in favour of executing Joel raise your hand.

*Tango, then SL Pearl and Bdubs, Scott then Jinmy and then SL Joel*

DL!Jimmy: Are there any other nominations?

3L!Joel: I nominate Tango!

DL!Jimmy: All in favour of executing Tango?

*Only Joel and Bigb raise their hands*

DL!Jimmy: Joel is officially eliminated from the game-

3L!Joel: Fuck you guys.

3L!Jimmy: And I'm not out first round! Woo!

DL!Jimmy: ... When suddenly Jimmy falls to the floor dead.

*Tangos and SL Joels expressions rapidly change*

3L!Jimmy: What? Cupid linked us??? That's...uggghh

DL!Jimmy: Night falls and the survivors fall asleep.

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: Mafia? Ready to choose a victim?

*Tango and Joel open their eyes and point at LimL!Pearl before closing their eyes again*

DL!Jimmy: Next, Cupid?

*Bdubs open his eyes and points at Scott and Joel*

DL!Jimmy: Doctor?

*LimL!Pearl thinks and then points to BigB, again*

DL!Jimmy: Detective?

*BigB points at Bdubs and gets a thumbs up*

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: Another beautiful day approaches, the birds are singing, flowers are blooming-

3L!Scott: Nice.

DL!Jimmy: When you find a corpse floating in the river ... It's Limited Life Pearl.

LimL!Pearl: Noo!

LimL!BigB: Damn!

DL!Jimmy: So, how would you say you died?

LimL!Pearl: Well I was talking a midnight stroll when suddenly... wam! Someone came from the bushes and attacked me!

LimL!BigB: ... That....

SL!Joel: That just sounds like an encounter with a wild animal? We found the truth, there was no murder, just a dire bear.

DL!Jimmy: You have 5 minutes to discuss from...now!

SL!Pearl: Do we have any idea?

SL!Bdubs: I don't fricking know!

3L!Scott: Do we know if we managed to get a Mafia out last turn?

Liml!BigB: No way to know for certain

DL!Tango: Dang.

SL!Joel: Then what?

SL!Pearl: Tango was the one to accuse 3rd Life Joel, I don't know hiw much I trust him.

SL!Bdubs: Wait that's true!

DL!Tango: What if It's you Pearl? Lyificating like a nastermind?

SL!Pearl: Me?

SL!Bdubs: Yeah freaking right, she would never!

DL!Tango: Well I'm nominating Pearl then.

SL!Pearl: And I'll nominate you back then.

3L!Scott: I'm nominating Joel.

SL!Joel: What!?

SL!Pearl: ... Why?

3L!Scott: Call it a gut feeling.

DL!Jimmy: So we have our nominations! Who votes for Joel?

*only Scott*

DL!Jimmy: Pearl?

*Tango and Joel.

DL!Jimmy: Tango?

*BigB, Pearl and Bdubs*

DL!Jimmy: Tango has been chosen, any other nominations? ... No?... Then Tango is officially executed and out of the game.

DL!Tango: I hate this.

DL!Jimmy: Come on! You did the best you could.. sit here!

*Tango sits next to Jimmy as everyone closes their eyes again*

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: Mafia choose your victim.

*SLJoel opens his eyes and points at BigB before closing his eyes*

DL!Jimmy: Since the new linked couple is still alive Cupid will sit this night out, Doctor?

*nothing happens for a while*

DL!Jimmy: Perfect, Detective?

*BigB points at Joel and gets a thumbsdown*

~~~~~~

DL!Jimmy: Another day begins, the sun rising in the distance when you hear a scream!

3L!Scott: No!

DL!Jimmy: When you arrive It's already too late, BigB has been killed... How?

LimL!BigB: I'm going to say, attacked while visiting Pearls grave.

LimL!Pearl: Awwwwwww mate.

DL!Tango: Don't speak! You're dead!

LimL!Pearl: Well so are you!

3L!Scott: I still think It's Joel!

SL!Joel: Well I'm saying It's you!

SL!Bdubs: Uhhh-

SL!Joel: No, I'm nominating him.

SL!Bdubs: Wait-

3L!Scott: Right back at you!

SL!Bdubs: ...

SL!Pearl: It's like they haven't heard you.

Dl!Jimmy: So we have our nominations! Who votes for Joel.

*Scott*

DL!Jimmy: And Scott?

*Pearl, Joel and Bdubs*

DL!Jimmy: Other nominations? No? Then It's decided! Scott is out if the game... And soon Joel too dies...

SL!Joel: Another link double execution?!!

DL!Jimmy: Tango, SL Joel and other me where the Mafia, since all the members are dead the villagers win!

~~~~~~

3L!Scott: So, who was Cupid in the end?

SL!Bdubs: It was me.

SL!Joel/3L!Jimmy: You!

[flightlesskaz]

THIS IS A LOT, THERES BAD GRAMMAR AND LONG RAMBLING. IF YOU LIKE THE LIFE SERIES AND LORE IMPLICATIONS... BE MY GUEST. It also is primarily focused on desert duo.

PLEASE, I want a 3L winner Grian that learns about the next series like a book you'd remember reading a few weeks ago. It's not fully clear but you remember how it left you feeling and the important parts.

I need SL Scar that remembers the previous seasons as he lived through them. Sure to be suprisesed just like the rest of the winners when the next season starts and he's just watching himself from a distance. Scar that is now tormented by loneliness, he thought he had no friends before but now... now there's nobody.

The winners meet in some distant place similar to how the ghost do, but they watch every next season for the next winner.

SL Scar overcome by something when he realizes that Grian, his Grian, never fully recovered from winning the first time. Suddenly he's acutely aware of how it's probably dictated Grian through the rest of the games. He's not an idiot, something is wrong with him now. His hands shake too hard at just the sight of a button for there to NOT be something wrong with him. This Grian didn't go on to keep playing, he sat and watched and welcomed every winner after himself. A part of Scar mourns this poor version of his friend, the one that didn't come back but watched a version of himself keep going. (Especially in DL, when they were once again tied together but that Grian only got the stress and a haunted echo of yearning from the winning Grian.) Softly and quietly, like he'd understand that finally having people could hurt if not handled right, he approaches this Scar and apologizes. They sit on the ground with a few feet between them as 3L Grian confesses that he'd always love Scar even if he struggled in the next seasons to be around Scar, that the instinct to care and comfort wouldn't go away but he watched himself distance himself and try to quiet it. 3L Grian always taking the time to check on Scar in each season, laugh at his jokes even when Scar thinks he's alone.

Scar just listens to this Grian babble as he readjust to having someone akin to living with him again. He could have sworn he was minutes, days, away from completely losing it and maybe he has. Could his imagination be playing tricks on him and giving him everything he's wanted? Then he stops that train of thought. This feels familiar, kind of like when they died during sessions and spectate as ghost. He chooses that moment to tune back into to catch Grian talking about how it took longer from him to get there, kinda like Martin. They both didn't die right after winning, doomed to wander until the change between them being players to something the group has just dubbed winners. Grian smiles sadly as he briefly mentions that his and Pearl's were quick and painless thanks to death. Finally Scar can move easier and he buries himself into Grians chest. The flowers embroidered on his shawl remind Scar that he gifted it to Grian after staying up all night to suprise his dear partner in 3L. After being alone season after season, even when he had the clockers, he remembers why it was so hard to make that connection. It was cause the first will always be the strongest. Grian whispers soft anecdotes to make him chuckle as they just bask in each other. Grian apologizes in advance if he treats Scar like 3L cause he never properly experienced the seasons after. Pearl is apparently always a bit weary of Scott. Martin talks about it being a death game and needing no one but he's never too far from Scott and is a little too protective of him. Scar laughs a little and shakes his head before taking any courage (and a little desperation) and tells Grian about his 'backwards' day. That he jumped on the chance without thinking and forgot himself as he screamed, "yes, always, forever." Only to realize what he'd condemned himself to. He locked eyes with his Eurydice and could only swallow his heart in his throat as he ran.

... I could keep going but...

[ficdirectory]

Somewhere Inside (Disuphere series #4) Chapter 60

(To listen, click here) - 13:23

It takes Levi a little bit to realize that he and Mariana are the only two in the cabin.  Pearl and Jesus are next door, at home, and Dominique and Frankie are out having nature time.  Levi finds Mariana in the living room on the couch with her I-Pad in front of her.

“What are you doing?” he asks.

Mariana sighs, frustrated.  “Trying to catch up on reading I missed so I can eventually go back to school, but at this rate...I’ll be reading forever.  And it’s not like it matters anyway…  Moms don’t think I’m ready to go back.  They plan on keeping me home.  Until I’m 30,” Mariana mutters.

“Why won’t they let you go back?  Like, what did you do that was so bad?” Levi asks.

“You don’t know?” Mariana seems surprised.  “Pearl...Frankie...nobody told you?”

“No,” Levi answers.  “And if you don’t want to, that’s fine.  It just...seems a bit extreme to me…”

“I was in a car accident...a year ago, in March.  I got a brain injury or whatever.  And, yeah, it’s changed me.  But they seem to think...that I’m...some...whatever...damaged…  They treat me...like I’m damaged.  Like they...have to settle...for this broken Mariana...and they resent it.”

Levi just looks at Mariana.  He hopes she can see the compassion in his eyes.  That he cares about her.  “That’s messed up,” he offers.  In case his POV isn’t clear.

“See?  I used to be really smart?  I built robots in high school.  Like...a total math and science geek.  And now…?  I mean, I have one Elsa moment at home.  Where I, like, took it out on our room.  Wrecked everything in it.  Swore at Frankie when she tried to come in.  But I was trying to protect her.  ‘Cause, like Elsa, I didn’t really know, like, how to do emotions like this.  For the longest time, I didn’t have energy to...do anything...and all of them were trapped...” Mariana shares.  

“Under the cotton?” Levi asks, remembering how Mariana had described her disconnect from her feelings.

“Under the cotton, yeah,” Mariana confirms.“It was when Moms told me I...couldn’t go back to school...because nobody knew if I’d still...be able to...even do it?”

Levi cringes.  “Sounds like a reasonable reaction to me.  Yours, not theirs.  Haven’t your moms ever heard of accommodations?  Kids at my school got them all the time.”

“I mean...Mama works at a Charter school.  That’s where all of us went.  There’s no kids that need accommodations.  Even Frankie is...like...disabled on the DL.  Nobody knows at school and she doesn’t get any help, even where she could really use it.”

“That sounds...so illegal…” Levi breathes.

“I guess Charter schools have the right to do it that way.  Anyway, this is their...like...where they come from.  This world,” Mariana tries to explain.

“Where any disability is hidden?” Levi bristles.

“And so...my reaction...to them...canceling school on me.  College.  Whatever.  They took that as...the biggest ‘inappropriate outburst,’” around this, Mariana makes finger-quotes.  “For a while, they wouldn’t let Fran near me.  Another time?  We were doing game night.  Moms are…  They love Monopoly?” Mariana squints.

“Why?” Levi whines.  “It’s so boring…”

“And...not ideal...for someone who...has trouble with numbers...and filtering...and reading...and stamina,” Mariana lists.

“Yeah, sounds like a rude choice,” Levi comments.

“Oh, it gets ruder.  So Moms decide we’re gonna play Monopoly Junior…”

“Oh...no, they didn’t…” Levi gasps.  “Seriously?”

“Seriously,” Mariana echoes.  “Like I wasn’t gonna notice they suddenly switched from the regular game to the game that 5-year-olds could play.  Frankie was ten.  She’d been playing the real version forever.  She hated the kids version.  Said it was too babyish.”

Levi winces.

“But it was still too much to look at.  Spaces on the board in different colors.  Cards.  Money.  Game pieces.  Dice.  I had a headache to start with.  It was after dinner and I just had no energy left.  Even looking at the board was exhausting me.  I took a turn, and Mom corrected me.  I tried to get up and leave.  She told me I should be a good example.  A good sport.  So I stayed.”

“So you had to stay in overstimulating hell?” Levi asks, sympathetic.

“I took a few more turns.  Every time, I did something wrong.  Grabbed the wrong game piece, misread the dice.  Like, didn’t factor in having to pay for a space someone else owned?  Finally, it was my turn again and I just flipped the board.  Everybody was mad.  And Moms talked behind my back about how unpredictable I was.  How I might not get any better.”

“How do you do it?” Levi asks, incredulous.  “How do you stay?”

“Someone’s gotta be there for Frankie.  They treat her...not the same...but they don’t factor her CP in at all.  It’s not fair.”

“If you guys ever need a friend?  Video chat me.  I’ll always be around.  Except if I’m working in hell, as Pearl calls it.”

“You gotta get fired from there…” Mariana objects.  

“Get fired from hell?” Levi smirks.  “Nah, I could never.  We need groceries.  Plus, it’s not like Peanut Butter Cookie can bother me anymore.”

“I know, I just…  You hate it there.” Mariana points out.

“I really do.  But it’s a job.  It pays the bills....actually it only pays the grocery bill, but that’s something.”

“It is.” Mari nods.  “Are you okay?  Like...with all the stuff this week?”

“Nervous about going back…” Levi confides, nodding next door.  “Last time I was there?  It was like, she tossed the place.  Like she was looking for something.  Everything was there.  She didn’t take anything.  But it still feels…” Levi trails off.

“Like, yeah, I know what you mean.  The only thing I can think of is aliens arriving...”

“Because alien invasion,” Levi’s eyes light up.  “It is!  It’s an invasion.  I love how your mind works.”

Mariana scoffs.  “You don’t have to say that…”

“I know I don’t.  But it’s true.  I think it’s cool.  The connections.  The approximations.  How you cope.” Levi observes.

“Moms keep telling me I need to keep working.  In therapy or whatever.  They don’t want me to plateau,” Mariana wrinkles her nose.  

Levi looks at her, confused.

“I guess it’s this thing, in brain injury recovery?  Once you reach a certain point of progress, you just…”  Mariana demonstrates an upward slant suddenly leveling flat, and staying flat.

“Oh,” Levi says.

“Yeah.  They wanted Frankie and me to come here.  Like, so they could have a break.  But they also tried to get me to stay at the last minute.  To keep doing rehab stuff.  And, of course, I wanna improve.  But they don’t get that sometimes?  I need a break.”

“I get that,” Levi says.

“But they think I shouldn’t get a break until I’m back…” Mariana looks away and blinks back tears.

“Back?” Levi echoes, concerned.

“Mariana, the math genius…” she manages.

Levi just listens.  Opens his arms and she scoots closer, nodding. Levi puts his arms around her.  Just holds on.  “They’re so mean to you,” he says, sympathetic.  “You don’t deserve that.”

He just holds on for a while, glad to be able to be here for Mariana, when she’s come through at some major times for him.  Levi’s glad that he can reciprocate.

Eventually she backs out of the hug, and wipes her eyes.  “Sorry.  It’s just like...this is my life now.  And I can’t even share it with Jesus.  ‘Cause he’s not there.” Mariana shrugs.

“I’m glad you came,” Levi tells her.  

“I’m glad you were here,” Mari tells him.

It’s quiet for a while.  But neither one of them rush to fill the silence.  Eventually, he offers.  “If you need...like if...audio’s better?  I can read that out loud?” Levi gestures to her tablet.

“No, you don’t have to.  It’s boring,” Mariana insists.

“I’m offering,” Levi points out, matter of fact.

“Okay.  Just...however fast you usually read?  Can you slow that way down?” Mariana wonders.

“Sure,” Levi agrees, and for a while he just reads aloud.  The material’s dense, so reading slowly is a good idea all around.  

After a few pages, Mariana stops him.  “Okay, that’s enough for now.”

“Okay,” Levi agrees and sets the tablet aside.

“See?  If I said that to my moms?  They’d instantly push back.  Want me to do more.”

“Well, there’s these things called boundaries, and respect and consent.  Maybe they’ve heard of them,” Levi quips.

“Oh, they have.  They just think...they only apply to Jesus.  And even then?  Only sometimes.”

Levi makes a face.

Then, he takes a breath.  Hesitantly.  “Speaking of not pushing…” Levi ventures.  “I really appreciate how you haven’t pushed to know specifics of…”

“Peanut Butter Cookie?” Mariana fills in.

“Right,” Levi nods.  “If it were me and Pearl knew something but I didn’t, I know I’d probably feel really left out and like it was personal.  I’m glad you get that this isn’t.  Personal.  And at the same time, it is.  Very personal,” Levi manages.

“I get it.  I had a thing happen.  Things happen.  When I was little.  Usually, Jesus was around to stop it, but if he ever wasn’t or fell asleep.” Mariana shrugs.

“I’m sorry.” Levi apologizes and means it.  And then, “I had a thing happen, too.”

“It changes you,” Mariana allows.

“Yeah.  I guess I’m realizing...trauma does that…” Levi manages.

“We have a group if you wanna join,” Mariana offers.

“I’m already in The Avoiders.  Like, officially,” Levi says, confused.

“Yeah, this is different.  A support group?  For people, who’ve had the things happen to them.” Mariana explains.  “I’m in it, and you might recognize some other people, too.”

“So, it wouldn’t just be me and strangers?” Levi asks.

“Nope,” Mariana says.  “And it’s online, so you don’t have to go anywhere.  But no pressure.”

“I wanted to thank you,” Levi says clearing his throat.  “I mean, while we still have time...for being there for me through all the versions of Peanut Butter Cookie.”  Levi reaches in his pocket.  Pulls out the apple hand sanitizer.  “Thought you might want this back.”

“No, keep it,” Mariana insists.  “I have peach and cucumber melon in my purse, so…”

“Oh, wow.  But I got apple, because…” Levi wonders.

“It’s the strongest.  I know sensory triggers are the worst.  I know we need something strong to fight them.” Mariana says simply.

“Can I have details on this group?  For people who’ve had things happen?”

“Yeah.  It’s Friday nights.  8:45.  The time changes, but that’s what it’s been.” Mariana fills him in.

Levi makes a note in his phone.  He watches Mariana do the same.  

“So, I’ll remember to add you into the call.” Mariana says.  “And obviously, this group is like...private.  Like, we don’t share names or details or anything about anybody else.  And nobody else shares about you ever.”

“Got it,” Levi nods.  “Thanks for including me.”

“You’re one of us.  You’re always included.” Mariana insists.

They sit together for a while longer.  Exchange birthdays so they can put them in their calendars.

“Can I like...put an L in every April?” Mariana checks.  “So I know to check in with you about Peanut Butter Cookie?”

“Can I know your traumaversary date?” Levi asks.  “So I can check in with you?”

“March 4th,” Mariana confides.

“Cool if I put an M there?” Levi checks.

Mariana nods.

“You like cards?  Or think they’re corny?” he asks.

“I like cards,” she nods.  “You?”

“Not sure there’s a card for that…” Levi bristles.

“Video chat?” she checks.  

“Yeah.  I’d love to see your face.  Whenever,” Levi says.

Mariana blushes.  

“Sorry, I didn’t mean it..like that…” Levi stutters.  “I mean, I would love to see you, I just...made it super awkward.  I’m sorry.” Levi grins, embarrassed.

Mariana laughs.  Levi realizes this might be one of the first times he’s heard it.  Or really tuned into it.  It’s like music.  He’s gonna miss all of them when they go.  But maybe, especially, Mariana.  Even though they haven’t spoken a ton, Levi has always felt understood by her.  And judging by her openness with him?  Levi might venture to say Mari feels similarly.

He just can’t imagine being without her.  Without all of them.  Come tomorrow.

“Super awkward is perfect for me,” Mariana reassures. “Same?”

“So same, I can’t believe it,” Levi smiles.

[aegyotrashcan]

Boyfriend Rap Monster

thank you but sorry, I love you more ;)

”AGAIN?? YOU BROKE MY THINGS AGAIN ARE YOU SERIOUS NAMJOON?”

a solid 90% of the relationship is you being unaware of just how much of your things he’s broken. he bribes the other guys into keeping it on the dl or into distracting you while he runs to the store and buys you a replacement item, while hoping you don’t notice the switch out

also, there’s been numerous date nights ruined as you’re just finished making yourself feel beautiful & seokjin is ringing you like; “ah, sorry to bother you but ^_^’” ...” and you know

“what bone did he break this time?” you ask immediately

the next few weeks are spent babying namjoon, as he milks his injury for sympathy

sometimes forgetting he’s a perv when you look at his cute dimpled smile or when he’s sleepy and nuzzles his face into your neck, acting cute and adorable

then he says “you know ... the doctor said that blowjobs help heal bones, just saying” and that image is shattered

taking pity on his hair so you make him deep condition it & buy him high quality products

sweet talks you in English around the guys to make you flustered but they’re innocent as hell, thinking he’s just trying to tease them about not being fluent like him so namjoon’s like;

“babe, just wait until I get you home”

and the guys are exaggerating their nods & butting in; “oh, yes, yes, I agree, me also. what do you think jungkook?” “pardon? I was not listening to him” and they think they’re so funny

if only they knew

being the photographer behind #kimdaily

over protective bf

if another guy so much as looks at you, his arm is suddenly around you and he’s acting all lovey-dovey

deep conversations

talking about the future

him loving it when you’re in his bed, even if it’s only to cuddle or talk. but if you wanna have sex then that’s cool too, he’s down >.>

is secretly pretty fragile, more so in the past, but still :(

any of his jealousy stems from that feeling of insecurity, more so than it has anything to do with you or your actions

and if he pulls away, or clings too tightly, it’s bc of this too

so make sure you show him your love, but not by just saying it. words can only mean so much. namjoon is an intelligent, philosophical perv so having deep discussions with him, pouring your heart out, shows him that you trust and care for him

but so does giving head so whichever you prefer, he’s cool w that

kissing his dimples

sometimes just sits back to watch you joke around with the boys. as the leader, he adores them so much & is always looking out for them. the same for you. so watching all his precious ppl get along so well is so :””)

bitching with his mom about his destructive habits

“when he was 3 is when it started ... first, he broke my favourite pearl necklace, then he ....” and while namjoon loves watching you & his mother bond, not like this ... not like this

isn’t the type to judge you if you’re into partying. he gets that u have every right to drop it low & get drunk if u want (& enjoys watching you let loose) but has a line u can’t cross. he refuses to let you drink too much and brings you home if you try to cross this stage. being blind drunk & not knowing your own name is different to having fun and thikning of someone using that to their advantage, doing who knows what, makes him sick

“c’mon, we’re going home,” he tells you. and if he’s not out that night, he makes one of your friends take care of you. they know how serious he is about this & would never dare ignore his wish

acts goofy & silly with you, having dance battles & sing offs

if often too busy with work to be there a lot but is still very devoted to you and the relationship. worries that you might leave him bc of this but through communication from both sides, this fear of his can be resolved. overall, there’s a sense of security and protection, both of you feeling comfortable enough to be yourselves. it’s a mature relationship with a healthy dash of childish fights & pouts & shitty excellent twerking to embarrass the boys