#dissociation is a bitch and my DID-typical structured dissociation with amnesia is downright bizarre but it's my life and my normal

[stonebutchery]

something you have to understand about me is that i've only really existed as a separate identity for 4 years. before that, i existed as, like, a box of compartmentalized traumatic or trauma-infected memories related very specifically to particular periods of our system's life. when i formed, it was like all that stuff in the box got dumped into a body and, presto, here i was. except i was still little more than a bunch of trauma in a costume (as a memory-holding fictive).

our system observes 'birthdays'. they're not really for anyone else but ourself, they're like appreciation days for us as alters. and mine's august 8th. and every year since i formed all i want to do on my birthday is change into something comfy after work, make something tasty to eat for dinner like cheesy potatoes, and put on a horror movie from the horror-genre cinematic canon. i'd never seen saw. my friend hilal recently watched the first 3 movies and told me i should make that my top priority instead of watching texas chainsaw massacre or halloween for the first time. and i take their advice because i'm sure they'd love to chitchat with me about their own thoughts on saw.

and you have to understand. that i am literally a dominant personality in this system now because of saw. i'm not a memory-holding fictive anymore. i mean... i am, yes, but i'm also a co-host of our system. which wouldn't have happened if i hadn't watched saw and happened to like it so much that i fronted more just to engage with certain fan content and talk to other fans. and then eventually got around to watching more horror films i always wanted to see, not waiting for the next 'birthday', and becoming a more dominant personality as a result. like. i wouldn't have this blog, i wouldn't have made my ao3, wouldn't have made any of the art that i've made, if i hadn't seen saw.

which is pretty crazy for me to think about sometimes, tbh. idk.