#disney being the literal demon of greed

[marshmallowwitharubberband]

I'm torn about the new Deadpool movie because, on one hand, it was awesome and I'm seriously impressed with how much Disney let it get away with. It was everything Endgame could have been. I've watched it three times now and still love it.

On the other hand, I'm gutted at what happened to Stray Kids. They made a whole song specifically FOR the movie, it's advertised in the soundtrack and in the end it's not even in the movie beyond a few seconds of the instrumental during the credits. I understand it was an executive decision and there may be legal or marketing reasons for that, but it still left a bad taste in my mouth.

First, because they were so excited for it, and Ryan loves them so much, and I obviously can't know what they really think, but I imagine both parties were disappointed and saddened by the end result.

And second, because it left me personally feeling like it was removed for either greedy or outright racist reasons and it pains me that Deadpool is now at the hands of such an asshole company.

I'm so upset.

[anthurak]

As someone who was very curious as to how Mammon was going to be presented in Helluva Boss, you can probably imagine I was looking through the new episode very closely.

And while I may have been off the mark with my theory that Mammon would follow the trend of Asmodeus and Beelzebub and NOT actually be antagonistic, I nonetheless think it is VERY interesting how Vivzie and the team handled and presented him.

Specifically, in just how PETTY Mammon is shown to be in this episode.

Like really think about what you might generally expect from a character like Mammon just from a basic background description: He is one of the seven rulers of Hell, lord of the seven rings and embodiment of GREED. Likely a fallen angel who helped to create hell as it exists today, is matched in power only by his five fellow Sins, and is functionally only truly outranked by Lucifer himself.

And yet, Mammon’s characterization in this episode presents him as this petty, selfish, manipulative asshole interested in little more than money and attention. He acts more like a shitty, full-of-himself asshole celebrity than a demon lord. Just look at how he manipulates Fizzerolli, not through lording power and authority over him but through emotional coercion like an abusive parent, ex-, or boss, which is precisely WHAT he is presented as. fi

What makes this even more interesting is that despite Mammon being characterized as Fizz’s petty, manipulative boss, we nonetheless see him display all the POWER and experience we’d expect from one of the seven rulers of Hell. Asmodeus mentions earlier in the episode that he’s known Mammon ‘since the START of Hell’, confirming they were both involved in its creation, and when the two square off at the end, it’s clear that Mammon is very much Ozzie’s EQUAL in power, and that everyone else present is pretty much an insect in comparison.

This is what I think makes the inclusion of that one creepy, obsessive fan of Fizzerolli’s in this episode so significant; he serves as a point of comparison to Mammon.

For all the power and authority that he might wield, Mammon is characterized as being no different/better than a creepy, manipulative, entitled and obsessive stalker.

I think this might be the true common ‘thru-line’ connecting all of the seven sins through Helluva Boss and possibly even Hazbin Hotel: That despite essentially being ‘God-Emperors’ of Hell and outclassed in power likely only by the most powerful angels of Heaven itself, the seven sins are characterized in a very grounded, down-to-earth and for lack of a better term, ‘human’ way.

All the times we’ve seen them, Ozzie, Bee and Mam haven’t presented themselves as these all-powerful beings lording themselves over their subjects like we might expect or even what we’ve seen of the Goetic nobility. They don’t present themselves as ‘royalty’ but rather more like celebrity performers, which is certainly in keeping with Vivzie’s comments about how Hell is meant to represent a circus.

It really gives this fascinating dichotomy to the Sins as characters, where they’re presented as these big wacky celebrities with big, over-the-top personas which in turn hide very grounded, down-to-earth people underneath. While at the same time still being these monstrously powerful and ancient beings whose dominion over Hell is entirely uncontested.

It also gives them a nice contrast with the Goetic Nobility and the Sinner Overlords. Like those two groups actually do act and present themselves like demonic ‘royalty’ who lord themselves over those considered ‘beneath’ them, while in reality they’re at best the ‘middle-managers’, and instead it’s these wacky characters who are the TRUE masters of Hell.

It may even continue into what we might see in Hazbin Hotel, what with Charlie being this bubbly, happy-go-lucky Disney-esque princess who also may very well have power outclassing literally EVERYONE else in the show apart from her parents.

Overall, I loved this episode and I think we may now have a good idea what we might expect from the other Sins, and possibly even Lucifer himself in Hazbin Hotel.

[precambrian-sea-pancake]

There’s a reason I’m not very public about being in this fandom, sadly. I’m hoping to change that though.

I’ve kinda broke out of my shell with Hazbin Hotel, but I’m struggling with AVATAR.

I’m so used to having my interests crapped on or seen as cringe.

Thankfully, I’ve met a few discord friends who really like it and I show people my thanator figurine whenever I can!

The hate this movie gets is extremely absurd to me. Because there’s really no reason to HATE it. Dislike it? Absolutely, art is subjective. I think they’re amazing movies, but worst case scenario I can’t see them being worse than mid.

Oh my god, the complaints I’ve seen for this movie series is dumb as shit.

I’ve seen people who say the message is poorly executed but I believe those people miss the point. They claim it demonizes humans when…it doesn’t?? Especially after FOP Pandora came out. AVATAR is NOT and never was anti-humanity. The humans in that story are victims of 1% who killed their planet. There’s very anti corporate messaging in the movie. The human side in the first movie was scientists vs greed. If it was anti human, there would be no human allies. Not to mention it’s from the POV of PEOPLE BEING MASS MURDERED!?? Why would they make the side committing literal genocide morally grey? In real life, that shit was never morally grey.

Then I see complaints about the plot being cliche. That I agree with, but cliche doesn’t mean bad. I think the execution was good enough to warrant appreciation. Most people who say “nobody even remembers their names” probably wasn’t even paying attention. I stg if I hear the “it’s a Pocahontas rip off” I’ll scream. At least AVATAR had the audacity to be fictional and not disrespect the memory of a poor tortured and abused girl. At least AVATAR didn’t end in “everyone gets along” and instead told the story of people rightfully fighting back. While it is and can be problematic (I’ll let indigenous people have that discussion, though I’ve seen mixed opinions on that side, still not my place), I think it handles the situation in a more appropriate way.

Those are the two complaints that make me go “tf movie did you watch?” But there’s soooo many more.

I honestly think it just boils down to two things I’ve seen.

1) The fanbase is niche but the movies are extremely profitable.

Let’s be real, it’s not like most sci-fi movies. A lot of people in the fandom are either furries, people who love speculative evolution, people who have an interest in anthropology, or people who enjoy other niche things. Not a descriptor of everyone, but of all the people I’ve met who enjoy it. It gets so much money because people enjoy watching it due to visuals, but the people who stick around are not the average movie goer. That’s okay! Everyone should have things they enjoy. But when people see a niche fandom getting multiple movies and a Disney park, they get upset because it isn’t for them. Those people need to grow up.

2) The theme makes people uncomfortable.

AVATAR is NOT subtle, at all. People are used to political messages in movies being less front and center. People don’t want to see a story that paints humanity as the bad guy in this way. These people are misunderstanding everything but either way, they don’t like it. Unfortunately this mentality is popular these days.

Sorry for the rant, but the hate annoys me a lot.

"Avatar is the most overrated movie ever!!1!" bruh. Outside of its fandom circles, you can barely even mention Avatar on the internet without getting swarmed by people whining about how much they think it sucks.

You may have had an argument for Avatar being overrated back in 2010 when it was brand-new and people were still loosing their minds over the effects and such, sure, but in 2024? nah dude, the bizarre anti-fandom this movie's accumulated has been so vocal for the past nearly decade-and-a-half that it's circled right back around to underrated

[obeymycok]

Obey Me as Disney Villain Songs

I procrastinated this for so long because Satan, Lucifer, and Belphie were hard to pick only one song for.

Lucifer: Be Prepared -The Lion King

Ok so originally this was Satan’s song, but literally a minute in Scar will not stop talking about his fucking pride and how much better he is. Honestly I see the Mufasa/Scar relationship as Michael/Lucifer. The plot to kill him because of the anger and unfairness of him not being King just really reminds me of Lucifer maybe right after the fall. I’m sure all of the brothers had something against humans, for at least a little while, so angels protecting and still loving them was obviously a sore spot.

Mammon: Friends On The Other Side -Princess and The Frog

This song is probably what inspired this whole Disney thing in the first place because honestly, I’m not a huge Disney fan but some of these songs SLAP, especially the villain songs. I could totally see Mammon being the shadow man in the human world and using his tricks and promise of good fortune if they sell him their soul. I could also see him threatening lower level demons with the power of his witch friends (I mean, like the Avatar of Greed needs help with lower demons, but hey maybe he just wants to have a little extra fun).

Leviathan: Poor Unfortunate Souls -The Little Mermaid

Leviathan wouldn’t be as confident as Ursula but he would definitely play off of someone’s insecurities to get what he wants. “Oh, poor you! You deserve so much better and for a small price I can grant your wish!” Basically if Levi wants something someone else has, he will make it his goal to find out what they want. Now that doesn’t seem TOO bad, but he’s still a demon. He’ll force them into a position where the envy of not having whatever Levi has, makes them blind to the scamming situation they’re now in. Making a deal with Levi is losing literally everything except what he gives you in return.

Satan: My Lullaby -The Lion King 2

I really tried to not have Satan’s songs from the sequel of Lucifer’s but they just fit. Honestly this one was for Belphie, but it’s really hard finding totally wrath filled Disney songs obviously. Satan’s lullaby is the sound of war and agonizing wails, but he’s smart and deceitful; his victim won’t realize his plan until it’s too late. He’d have the gentleness of an angel, but he’s always subtly putting those murderous thoughts in their head. He corrupts souls with an innocent smile, so they truly believe that their anger is justified. Satan is the one who raises leaders like Hitler and Stalin, just so he can have a play thing when they die.

Asmodeus: Shiny -Moana

Asmo is pretty and he knows it. He uses that to tear people down, saying things like ‘it’s what’s on the outside that counts’. Insecure people especially, he targets their flaws and biggest doubts. He convinces them that personality and heart doesn’t matter and being pretty is all there is to happiness! Of course, Asmodeus knows this isn’t true, but if bringing other people down to worship him makes him feel better about himself, so be it.

Beelzebub: Gaston -Beauty and the Beast

I could not for the life of me find anything else that was like Beel at all so I was just gonna say this was his Fangol team hyping him up after a loss. HOWEVER this might be a long shot but is Gaston’s song really just talking about how great he is? It starts by him being upset that he can’t have Belle even though he has literally everything else to satisfy him (girls, friends, admirers, etc). Maybe I’m just desperately trying to tie this with Beel, but to me at least, the song suggests that even though he has everything he could possibly want he still isn’t satisfied, like Beel with his hunger? Not sure but I’m always open to feedback or discussion in the comments!

Belphegor: Savages -Pocahontas 

While Belphie could fit for a quite a few of these, this is the one I settled on for him. He thinks humans and angels are complete and utter savages for what they did to his family. He would convince lower level demons make pacts with witches and wizards, to give them everything they wanted and power beyond their wildest imaginations. But a powerless world doesn’t take too kindly to supernatural abilities. He would have the joy of going up and turning those very same witches and wizards into the church to be executed. Belphegor was responsible for the entire witch burning era.

[bws-main]

What your favorite Obey Me brother says about you:

Belphegor:

- You forget that he technically killed you and claim he is your Sweet Sleepy Baby 10000% of the time

- You're probably into somno

Beelzebub:

- You suddenly developed an interest in cooking when you decided to stan him

- You don't understand how a demon can be so pure and sweet but that's why you love him

- Lowkey a brocon

Asmodeus:

- You either think his self worth issues are adorable and want to help him realize that he's beautiful no matter what, OR you were so so distracted by how cute he is that you didn't notice his self worth issues

- You cried during the wedding event

Satan:

- You're into BDSM

- You think daddy issues and internal angst are hot

- Your favorite Disney princess is Belle

Leviathan:

- You want to be someone's waifu

- You have a body pillow somewhere in your room (stop lying, yes you do)

- You're forever salty that you can't actually play as an otaku MC

Mammon:

- You like himbos AND tsunderes

- You want to throw hands everytime someone calls him a scumbag for being greedy. He's literally the avatar of greed! What were they expecting, generosity? Get outta here, this isn't my little pony!

Lucifer:

- You have a daddy kink

- You're also probably a really big fan of Sebastian from black butler

[tigerkirby215]

5e Tahm Kench, the River King build (League of Legends)

(Artwork by Pan Chengwei. Made for Riot Games.)

I guess I’ve still got demons on the mind after Halloween. Truth be told while I do hope to someday make a build for every champ I’m very hesitant to make builds for the “monsterous” champs. Cho’Gath, Kog’Maw, and Tahm Kench were all on that list for one reason and one reason alone: you can’t say “I puke on / eat / lick the enemy” without drawing a few strange glances. But the good folk over at Doran’s & Dragons did a Tahm Kench build and while I get where they were going for I’m personally not the biggest fan.

D’s&Ds tries to capture the flavor of the character much more than their abilities, which I can greatly appreciate. I think if you want a smooth-talking demon who swindles people out of everything, including their lives, than D’s&Ds’ build for Tahm is great. But I’m more interested in the mechanics of Tahm Kench: with literal thick skin to absorb incoming damage, a tongue that can leave our opponents stunned, and the ability to... vore your friends to keep them out of harm’s way.

No there aren’t vanilla rules for eating your friends alive! It’s all going to be reflavoring! See this is exactly why I didn’t want to do Tahm.

GOALS

I am enthralled by your class and refinement - Tahm Kench is a demon of greed, luring in unsuspecting hopefuls with promises of prosperity. We’ll need a tongue as sharp as a sword, and a sword as sharp as our tongue.

You have succeeded only in ruffling my attire! - To walk around looking like a Disney Caricature you need to have some thick skin. While other champs wear armor Tahm just has Thick Skin.

All the world's a river; and I'm its king - With a mouth that big you’ve gotta put it to good use, helping your allies across the river... regardless of if they want to go. (Well, most spells that target allies in D&D have to be willing...)

RACE

While I appreciate D’s&D and their take by making Tahm Kench a Locatha they were made for a Second Life charity module, which means they’re not officially endorsed at Adventurer’s League or other such gatherings. Also the friend who shares content with me on D&D Beyond doesn’t own Locatha Rising.

Also technically this build isn’t AL legal since it uses multiple sourcebooks (Mordenkainen's + others) so uhhhh...

Also this build is going to use a subclass that wasn’t available when D’s&D made their build.

With that being said Two-Coats is a demon so we’ll go for the demon race: Tiefling! More specifically we’ll get acquainted with the icy depths of the river as a Levistus Tiefling. Levistus Tieflings see their Charisma score increase by 2 and their Constitution increase by 1 for some protection thanks to the cold. Additionally you get some innate spells thanks to Legacy of Stygia, which I’ll cover when they come up.

All Tieflings have 60 feet of Darkvision, Hellish Resistance to Fire damage, and the ability to speak Common and Infernal. The only thing that changes with your Tiefling subrace is your ability scores and your innate spellcasting, and truly your brand of demon doesn’t matter much. "Call me king, call me demon - water forgets the names of the drowned."

ABILITY SCORES

15; CHARISMA - For a truly delicious meal you need to soften them up a little first. Take it smooth and let them relax before going in for the kill.

14; CONSTITUTION - Kench is a chunky lad who can take quite a beating. It takes more than a blade to slay the king.

13; STRENGTH - You need quite the strong stomach to hold down tougher meals. “Needs salt!”

12; WISDOM - You need a bit of natural intuition to know how folk tick.

10; INTELLIGENCE - Live long enough and you learn quite a bit. At least enough to promise knowledge to anyone looking for it.

8; DEXTERITY - As said before the river king is a large demon of a man, who can take as much time as he wants to get a meal.

BACKGROUND

No surprises here: Tahm Kench is a Charlatan, swindling folk all across Runeterra out of everything they once owned... including their lives.

Well, maybe a few surprises. You will still be taking Deception but instead of Slight of Hand take Persuasion proficiency, because you’re more of a smooth talker than a con artist. I’m also going to suggest taking two Languages instead of two Tools: take whatever language you think you may need, but to talk your way to your next meal they’ll have to be able to understand you.

Regardless you can’t have them knowing your a demon, so take a False Identity as the king. Most folk think you’re a kind soul, with plenty to back you up. And you can always get any papers they may desire.

(Artwork by Alex “alexplank” Flores. Made for Riot Games.)

THE BUILD

LEVEL 1 - FIGHTER 1

Starting off as a Fighter because funny Constitution saving throws, among other things. "My constitution is unflappable!" Regardless you get proficiency in two skills from the Fighter list so take Insight and Athletics to know who’s ready to be carried down river.

You also get a Fighting Style of your choice and while I’d love to get a Reach weapon or indeed any two-handed weapon one of Tahm Kench’s best assets is the Protection he can provide his allies. For this you’ll need a shield (and you can take a regular Strength weapon along side it) but if an attack is coming their way you can grab them in your maw to give the attack disadvantage... Or you could not vore your allies, and take the Defense Fighting Style instead to get more AC.

Well at least if anyone gets mad at all the vore comments you can tank it with your Thick Skin and regenerate it with Second Wind. (The Fighter ability, not the rune in the Resolve tree.) And to fight back with a lashing of your tongue Ray of Frost from Legacy of Stygia will do some damage at range and slow down your foes. It’s not a stun yet... not yet.

LEVEL 2 - BARD 1

What? Did you think we wouldn’t have some tricks of the charmer’s trade? As a Bard you get one proficiency in any skill and one instrument proficiency. Choose Intimidation because my what big teeth you have! (But truthfully take whatever proficiency works for your party, as Tahm Kench can be whatever you want him to be.) As for instrument I’m going to have to go for Lute: it’s the closest you’ll get to a tongue guitar, and don’t you dare say “tongue guitar” at your D&D table.

Regardless Bards get Bardic Inspiration at first level, to make sure you fulfill the support role through the use of honeyed words and sweet nothings. You get a pool of d6s that you can give to an ally to add to their attack rolls, skill checks, or saving throws. You can give a d6 as an action and have a number of them equal to your proficiency bonus, and regain them all at the end of a long rest.

But wait! There’s more! You also get Spellcasting as a Bard: you get two cantrips from the Bard list. A man of fine tastes needs to keep his outfit in check, so take Mending to do that. Vicious Mockery meanwhile will let you use that trademark Tahm Kench sharp tongue (not the literal sharp tongue) to taunt your foes and make it harder for them to hurt your allies. "The baseness of your appetite repulses me!"

As for leveled spells you can pick four of them at first level: naturally you’ll need Charm Person to tempt mortals with pleasing bargains. To worry them that you’re coming to collect Dissonant Whispers will fill their minds with unease. To open up your foes for your friends to take them down Bane will loosen their resolve. And to make sure everyone laughs at your jokes? Tasha’s Hideous Laughter.

LEVEL 3 - BARD 2

Second level Bards are Jack of All Trades, letting you add half your proficiency bonus to any skill you’re not proficient in. Tahm Kench is a demon, and he needs to be able to help wherever he can to tempt others to ask him for help.

Speaking of help you also get Song of Rest to give allies an extra d6 of healing during short rests. Since I doubt Tahm Kench is much of a singer, consider this more of him telling stories of grandeur that only the king of river would know. Or perhaps you’re cooking everyone some food? Who knows.

And finally you can learn another spell, but I’m actually going to wait for next level since we’ve gotten all the first level spells we really need already. But you do get Armor of Agathys thanks to Legacy of Stygia, for some Thornmail to boost your defenses.

LEVEL 4 - BARD 3

Third level Bards get Expertise in two skills to double your proficiency bonus: naturally we’ll go for Deception and Persuasion to have little trouble striking up a bargain.

But much more importantly you get to choose your Bardic College, and I think it’s safe to say that Tahm Kench is a self-taught master of the College of Eloquence. Eloquence Bards have a Silver Tongue, making any roll below a 10 on a Persuasion or a Deception role default to a 10. Notice how we just gave ourselves Expertise on those checks? This means that the lowest you can get on one of these checks is a 17, which for most folk is an automatic success! "How delectable!"

Additionally, your works make it harder to resist the effects of magic. Unsettling Words lets you spend a Bonus Action to roll Bardic Inspiration on an enemy. The next saving throw they make they have to subtract the number you rolled on the Inspiration die. This has synergy with both yourself and your friends. Honey your words before charming folk to hear you, or soften up a foe for some crazy mage to take them down.

Speaking of crazy mage: more spells! The great part about a character like Tahm Kench is that I am completely justified taking utility / roleplay spells like Gift of Gab, letting you backtrack in case you say something silly during a conversation. (With a small royalty fee to the good folk over at Acquisitions Incorporated, of course.) But if you want something more immediately useful then Hold Person will let you stun foes with your words, keeping them in place for allies to cut them down.

LEVEL 5 - BARD 4

Fourth level Bards get an Ability Score Improvement but I’m going to suggest something a little different. Old Yawn-Belly is a demon with a hunger for fine clothes so there shouldn’t be much issue taking the Eldritch Adept Unearthed Arcana feat, soon to be in Tasha’s Cauldron of Everything! With a Mask of Many Faces you can cast Disguise Self at will. This will let you wear a fine jacket while still being in heavy armor. "How did I leave my jacket pocket unadorned for so long?"

I really like unlimited Disguise Self for Tahm Kench for a number of reasons. It’s said that he can take whatever form he desires to lure in his victims, which makes sense given the nature of his character. Unlimited Disguise Self also obviously has use for a charmer, letting you get away with a lot more discussion than normal. But the most important thing is that while Tahm Kench doesn’t wear anything heavy in-game he’s far from stealthy. But disguising your armor doesn’t make it any quieter, which is unironically perfect for our affairs.

Regardless you can learn another spell at this level, along with another cantrip. For your cantrip Prestidigitation is great for life’s simple pleasures, recreating simple things like heating food, chilling drinks, or making things taste like whatever you desire.

For leveled spells may I make a suggestion of the Suggestion spell? It’ll let you make simple suggestions for things that folks should do, and they’ll be inclined to do it. They won’t do anything dangerous like stand in the jaws of a demon, but asking them to walk alone down river is a pretty harmless ask. Oh and to top it off a Tiefling gets Darkness at 5th level, thanks to Legacy of Stygia.

(Artwork by robynlauart on DeviantArt)

LEVEL 6 - BARD 5

5th level Bards get Font of Inspiration to recover their Bardic Inspiration at the end of a Short Rest, which is good because your Bardic Inspiration also increases to a d8.

Additionally you can learn third level spells like Sending to check up on some old deals. If you can’t tell it’s really hard to translate Bard spells onto Tahm Kench, but we kinda need a few more levels in this class.

LEVEL 7 - BARD 6

6th level Eloquence Bards get Unfailing Inspiration. If an ally uses your Bardic Inspiration but still don’t succeed on their roll, they get to keep the die. Simple! You also get Universal Speech, allowing you to choose a number of creatures equal to your Charisma modifier to understand anything you may say. There’s no reason you can’t strike a deal with the local wildlife. And finally you get Countercharm for some Tenacity against Charms and Frightening effects, or you could not do that.

Unfortunately you can’t understand them when you use Universal Speech, but that’s where the spell Tongues comes in. Along with ha ha Tahm Kench Tongue you can make sure anyone understand what you or an ally might be saying. Keep Universal Speech for the simpletons of the world. "You're strong like bull, and smart like cow."

LEVEL 8 - BARD 7

7th level Bards finally get 4th level spells, and as we know "It is my mouth into which all travels end." Take Dimension Door to grab a friend (in your mouth... or not) and go far and wide.

LEVEL 9 - BARD 8

8th level Bards get an Ability Score Improvement and seeing as our last ASI went to getting a top hat we may as well increase that uneven Strength and Charisma.

You can also learn another spell and there are quite a few nice ones at 4th level. Confusion and Compulsion will let your words do the fighting for you, and Locate Creature will help you find anyone looking for a bargain. Or of course you could take your own spell, since these builds are only suggestions after all.

(Artwork by MirthSpindle on DeviantArt.)

LEVEL 10 - FIGHTER 2

Now that we can get people to sign a contract it’s time to take what’s rightfully ours. But firstly Fighters get Action Surge at second level to take two actions on a turn. Perhaps a Hail of Blades, or maybe a mix of words to sully the mind?

LEVEL 11 - FIGHTER 3

Third level Fighters can choose their Martial Archetype and to master your tongue in more ways than one (not like that you perv) look no further than the Battle Master Fighter. You get d8 Combat Superiority Die that can fuel a variety of manuevers:

To stun a foe with your lashing tongue take Trip Attack, for a little more than just stopping them in their tracks.

To grab an ally in your mouth (or preferably not doing that) Maneuvering Attack will let you get them to move somewhere safe without being in danger of getting attacked themselves.

And to play the tank role of the party Goading Attack will taunt your enemies so that they can only concentrate on you. You can take it: you have Thick Skin!

But of course most importantly you are a Student of War, granting proficiency in an Artisan’s Tool of your choice. If you’re going to write contracts you’re going to need good penmanship, so grab proficiency in Calligrapher’s Supplies as the pen is mightier than the sword and Tulok the Barbrarian memes shall live on eternally.

LEVEL 12 - FIGHTER 4

4th level means more Ability Score Improvements and... you know? I don’t think we’re nearly tanky enough! Infernal Constitution is a feat exclusive to Tieflings that grants resistance to Cold and Poison damage, as well as the poisoned condition. And it increases your Constitution by 1 as well. "My visage was already flawless, now it just has more vigor."

LEVEL 13 - FIGHTER 5

5th level Fighters get an Extra Attack for two attacks instead of one, or four with Action Surge! Quick and easy!

(Artwork by benlo on DeviantArt.)

LEVEL 14 - FIGHTER 6

Hey more Ability Score Improvements! You know despite intending to swing a sword around your Strength is rather subpar, so perhaps increase that. (This also finally lets you put on Platemail.)

LEVEL 15 - FIGHTER 7

A friend is an enemy who hasn’t shown their true self yet, so you can know your friends with Know Your Enemy. By spending a minute studying someone you can learn if they’re worth bargaining with. You can learn their Strength, Dexterity, Constitution, Armor, Hit Points, Level, and Fighter level. Most NPCs don’t have class levels, but knowing how hard you need to hit them could help the whole party.

You also get two more Maneuvers: Evasive Footwork will let you dash off to safety, and while disarming isn’t common in Runeterra Disarming Strike seems quite in flavor for someone as... dexterous as yourself.

LEVEL 16 - FIGHTER 8

Isn’t Fighter fun when you increase your abilities every other level? Your Strength is still kinda godawful so good for that if you’d please.

LEVEL 17 - FIGHTER 9

9th level Fighters get Indomitable. If you fail a saving throw you can reroll it. You only get one of these per Long Rest so use it on a save you’re likely to succeed on like Strength, Constitution, Charisma, or... well yeah basically those three.

(Artwork by davicomodo on DeviantArt. They deactivated their account though: sad.)

LEVEL 18 - FIGHTER 10

10th level Fighters get Improved Combat Superiority. Now your d8s are d10s!

You know what else that means? More Maneuvers! To absorb even more damage Parry will give you some Bone Plating for absorption. If however by this point an ally of yours can do a lot more damage with their weapon then Commander’s Strike will let you set them up for the Pentakill!

LEVEL 19 - FIGHTER 11

11th level Fighters get another Extra Attack for 3 attacks per round. That’s enough for your three-hit passive!

LEVEL 20 - FIGHTER 12

12th level Fighters get our final Ability Score Improvement: for stronger charms and more smooth-talking to both ally and foe, take Charisma. For a different type of stronger tongue with deadlier maneuvers grab Strength instead. And if you just want to be a chunky tanky conman then Constitution is also an option!

FINAL BUILD

PROS

Every heart has its own hunger - Despite not maxing out your Charisma you’re still the king of speech. +16 in Deception and Persuasion with your lowest possible roll being a 10. That means the lowest you can get on these rolls is a 26! Not to mention that Jack of All Trades as a Bard makes you plenty good at any skill the party may need help with, and unlimited Disguise Self letting you take whatever role is needed.

Every river ends in me! - You are also a very good team player. Bardic Inspiration that never fails, tons of different ways to hold the enemy down, and several options to help your friends while they’re in a jam. "Travel awaits."

You have succeeded only in ruffling my attire! - Wow who would’ve guessed that building a tanky character to be a tank would make them tanky? You should have quite the solid healthbar and resistances to three very common damage types is nothing to scoff at, not to mention that you can wear Heavy Armor and a Shield for crazy high AC.

CONS

Are you the waiter of this establishment? - Most of your abilities rely on charges of some kind. While Maneuvers and Bardic Inspiration comes back on a Short Rest spell slots only come back after a Long one, and you don’t have many spell slots to spare.

I wonder who might like to bargain for a little freedom - This build is very ASI greedy which means a lot of your abilities are very subpar. Your low DEX score in particular is rather harsh as many dangerous spells require DEX saving throws.

Might be savory - Because this build is so ASI greedy your stats still aren’t maxed out. +3 to CON and +4 to CHA are great and all but they aren’t +5, ya know? And even with Jack of All Trades your skill checks aren’t going to beat out a specialist.

But you don’t need to be a god to sign a deal; a demon does it just as well. Master your articulation so that you can be sharp with your tongue in whatever means necessary. Bargain with your allies and seal the deal on your foes, and for the love of all that is good in the world don’t vore anyone! Jeeze!

(Artwork by Pan Chengwei. Made for Riot Games.)

[that-shamrock-vibe]

Disney+ What To Watch: My Top 10 Favourite Modern Day Disney Classics

#8. Moana

Once again I experienced this movie later than it's original release but i had heard a lot of good things about it leading up to when i finally got to watch it.

I have to say the fact they went with a Polynisian princess and even went so far A I believe to cast regionally appropriate just shows how "with the times" Disney Animation is trying to be as it rides it's new wave of Disney greats.

But aside from the regional appropriateness of the cast and characters, the main thing that takes my breath away in this movie is the scenery. The island that Moana and her tribe live on is stunning, the ocean is beautiful. Every either abandoned or desolate island we see looks either creepy or like a shipwrecked island. This is 3D animation ramped up from Tangled.

The animation on the characters also warms my heart as they can't be considered originally caucasian characters that Disney changed the ethnicity of to appeal to a new audience, Moana, Maui and the tribe are clearly of Samoan/Polynesian ethnicities and it's really great to see.

As I said, even the actors regionally appropriate, Auli'i Cravalho, Dwayne Johnson, Nicole Scherzinger, everyone, including Jemaine Clement who voiced Tamatoa have at least heritage from the Samoan/Polynesian region.

I also really enjoyed the continuation in trend of the almost self-meta references to how the Disney Princess formula has worked for decades. We saw it first in Frozen which looks at the romantic angle but here you have Maui pointing out how every Disney Princess has a cute animal sidekick.

It was, I believe, a mislead in the continuous promotion of Pua the Pig because while he is cute and clearly Moana's pet, however it is Heihei the apparent retarded chicken that becomes her sidekick for the movie.

On that note. I do not approve of the very tasteless trope of retardiness being used as comic relief. Now yes, Heihei is funny and there were moments that got me in hysterics but I still find it unfair to not only make a chicken brain dead but then constantly make him the comedic foil of the movie.

That being said, Mosna and Maui's buddy comedy schtick was very funny in places and I found characters to be not only original for Disney but they both taught and learned from each other

That's what makes great buddy movies, both have flaws to start out with but through a series of events and working or travelling together they both become better people by learning from the other and almost adopting traits of theirs. Think the Jump Street movies or even Detective Pikachu, there's something about the great buddy movies that bring out the best in both/all main characters.

But Moana isn't just a buddy movie, or even your run of the mill Disney Princess movie, it's adventure, it's action, it's fantasy and it's coming-of-age. Disney has not had a great coming-of-age story since Tarzan almost ten years prior.

I also enjoy the development with Moana. She starts of the movie as a "princess" being the daughter of the tribe chieftain. However, unlike every other Disney princess, Moana has a tribal working girl physique, the teenager has muscles and she has a notable muscular frame.

I really also enjoy the tornness in her soul of debating whether or not she does what the tribe expect of her and become chieftain, or do what her heart wants her to do and be a sailor and explorer.

On a side note, I do appreciate how non chalant this movie is in the prospect of having a female chieftain. She's never discouraged or beaten down because she's female, she beats herself up because to begin with it's not what she wants.

The conclusion she comes to in being the chieftain and deciding to take her tribe back to their origins of being sailors is truly the best of both worlds and, I feel, a very earned conclusion.

Maui being a demigod is very obnoxious and believes he is literally God's gift. However, he isn't and fortunately for the movie Moana is the type of girl to call him out on it.

I'm also very appreciative that this is simply a buddy comedy rather than a romcom. Moana never has any hero worship or fan girl moments for Maui but instead decides to call Maui's bluff on everything that he promises and is ready to scold him when he can't.

It's also an original take on a superpower of such, the fact he's a demigod with I'm sure some enhanced physical attributes but needs a hook to shape shift...it's also followed through when it's damaged and we learn it's Maui's crutch for his bravado.

As for the villains, it's clear that the main villain in this movie was Te Kā who was the demon of earth and fire and effectively a living volcano. But, because of the twist revealed that she is in fact Te Fiti the goddess of life but turned into Te Kā when Maui stole the Heart of Te Fiti, it's somewhat arguable that the real main antagonist of the movie should have been Tamatoa who, for me, made a much bigger impact than Te Kā.

The reason I do say this is as awesome as Te Kā is and the twist was surprising, when you connect the dots, Te Kā's villainous motivation is that of a scorned woman rather than Tamatoa's simple greed. Greed is a very effective motivator than whatever the reasoning for Te Fiti becoming Te Kā was because it's never actually explained, did she become a fire demon because she had no heart because if so that is a better Jekyll/Hyde situation than Bruce Banner/Hulk.

Musically, this is a nice soundtrack. This was my introduction to Lin Minuel Miranda's body of work and, I have to say it, he's a better composer than he is an actor because "How Far I'll Go" and "Shiny" are instant classics, as is "You're Welcome" but that is way too much of an earworm.

So yes, I do believe Moana to be a solid Disney movie with some great leaps forward for diversity, animation and storytelling. My chieftain complaint is the villain situation but to be honest seeing Te Fiti at the end not being "reborn" but also just simply lying down and becoming an island's foliage was worth it.

So what do you guys think? Post your comments and check out more Disney+ What to Watch Top 10s as well as more Top 10 Lists and other posts.

[hamliet]

Disney Princesses as Strong Women: Moana’s Maturity

That one Disney princess movie with no romance at all that is also a damn good movie (sorry, Brave).

As per my requisite disclaimer, there is absolutely room for legitimate criticism of Moana, and this is not going to invalidate any valid criticism of the film or of Moana herself, but rather offer a different perspective on her film and specifically on Moana as a character.

As a film, Moana looks incredible, has really cool themes, adheres quite strongly to classical epic conventions, and it’s hard not to see the climate change portrayed in the film (”the darkness”) as a metaphor for climate change in our current day society. But what knits the entire film together is a strong emphasis on empathy, on a mature understanding of what causes people to do the things they do, and consequently no one is truly evil besides the shiny crab who’s basically Satan anyways so. 

The film sets up Moana and Maui as foils from the very beginning. It’s noted that the heart of Te Fiti gives Te Fiti the powers to create life and share it with the world. However, Maui steals the heart and is completely unaware of the impact of his own actions. Moana’s introduction is her as a baby helping a turtle get back to the water, and after this, the ocean chooses her. It’s a nice twist on the “chosen one” trope--Moana’s own choices are the reason she’s chosen- and it plays into the themes of our own actions having consequences far beyond what we can see. The Butterfly effect, if you will.  

When Moana finally finds Maui and insists he board her boat to return the heart of Te Fiti, he refuses to listen to her, and assumes she wants an autograph, talking over her and refusing to empathize. When the ocean helps Moana confront Maui on her boat anyways, she realizes quite quickly that he’s actually afraid of the heart of Te Fiti. She teases him, but this is also a way of showing that Moana is able to put herself in people’s shoes and understand where they’re coming from. They fight off the pirate coconuts (who are totally not representatives of society who eventually lead to their own downfall with their greed and stupidity), and Moana realizes another way to appeal to Maui: his desire to be a hero. 

She then journeys to the underworld/realm of monsters with Maui and helps him get his hook back, and confronts the crab/Satan-creature who also is a foil to Maui in that both of them are thieves... but Maui is not as cruel or as unable to live with humanity as is the crab.

It would be easy to write Maui off as a selfish, greedy person with a giant ego, but the story doesn’t let let us do that. Moana is truly interested in a story in showing that Maui’s ego is a sign of great insecurity and pain. Maui offers a bitter comment that the ocean has never helped him get his hook back, “but sure, it’s not wrong about you; you're the chosen one.” Instead of labeling this as pure bitterness, the story decides to explore why he would feel abandoned and doesn’t write him off as a bad person vs. a good person in Moana. 

When he’s bitter and demands “What, you gonna give me a speech tell me I can beat Te Ka because I'm Maui?” she responds by revealing her own pain: “I don’t know what I'm doing, but my island is dying... I want to help [you] but I can't if you won't let me!” And that’s the point: it’s up to Maui to make the choice to open up, or to clam up in his own ego. 

Maui tells his backstory of being cast away by his parents, who threw him away into the sea, and then he was found by the gods. As Moana realizes, Maui didn’t steal the heart of Te Fiti for greedy lulz, but “you took the heart for the [gods]. You did everything for them so they'd love you.” And as Maui states "it was never enough.” 

The story doesn’t tell Maui to just get over himself either; it allows him his pain, which is quite a mature perspective for a children's movie especially. Moana tells him that “the ocean found you worthy of being saved... but the gods aren’t the ones who make you Maui; you are.” Again, it’s the emphasis on choices determining destiny. 

But they fail, his hook is damaged, and Maui says something cruel to Moana: "without my hook I am nothing,” and he continues to tell her "I'm not killing myself so you can prove you're something you're not." He leaves, because pain doesn’t heal overnight, and the film doesn’t portray him as a coward even while it frames his actions as wrong--we understand they come from pain. But he does return when he is needed. 

There’s also a sharp contrast between Maui’s past and Moana’s: for all of Moana’s favor by the ocean, she also has a pretty good relationship with her parents, though it’s realistically not perfect. Again, Moana as a film doesn’t dive into “good parent/bad parent” and shows us how even the best parents are very very human. 

Moana’s father ignores the growing darkness even when it’s starting to impact their fishing and coconut harvesting (again tying into the film’s message that you can’t ignore things, because actions have far reaching consequences, and isolation isn’t going to protect you cough cough climate change). He believes that "as long as we stay in our very safe island, we'll be fine.” But this comes from a place of pain as well, not ignorance nor inexplicable bitterness. As Moana’s mother tells her, “he was you.” He wanted to leave the island, but his brother died when they went beyond the reef. 

However, her father also has to learn that his experience is not Moana’s, and she is not him. And Moana concludes, “I don’t know how to make it past the reef, but I know who does!” Even though her father isn’t willing to help her in the end, her mother and grandmother give her their blessing, and her father understands he has to let her go. Empathy. 

So basically, empathy plays a major role in healing Moana’s conflicts with Maui and with her father, and of course play a role in defeating the enemy--and a role in her relationship with the ocean and her grandmother as well. When Maui leaves, her grandmother’s spirit appears and tells her she can choose to go home if she wants.

But Moana realizes she doesn’t want to. It’s her choice. And she swims down to rescue the heart of Te Fiti once more, and notably there’s no sign of the ocean helping her get the heart this time; it’s all her. 

The film sets it up so that you think, as Moana and Maui do, that they have to defeat or at the very least, get past, the lava demon Te Ka. Except that turns out not to be the case. 

Moana realizes Te Ka is Te Fiti. After having her heart ripped away, she has suffered enough to be transformed into some kind of raging monster--but she is not a monster. 

Moana offers the heart back to Te Ka, singing “they have stolen the heart from inside you/but this does not define you/this is not who you are/you know who you are.” Which is a message that’s powerful for villains everywhere.

It’s up to Te Ka to remember that she is Te Fiti. And she does. 

Empathy is key. Moana is a great film with a powerful message; the end. 

It’s also a classical epic and I really wanted to talk about that briefly because that’s literally the first lesson I ever taught as a teacher (well, epics, Moana didn’t exist yet) so I’m sorry but I’m tacking this on. 

Moana is a chief’s daughter, so she meets the important lineage requirement. The setting is vast and a journey; they do visit the underworld aka the realm of monsters/shiny crab. There’s superhuman courage, there’s supernatural intervention (thanks ocean), there’s a muse, and it even repeats stock phrases (”I am Moana of Motinui. You will board my boat...)

It’s a great movie.

Anyways, this concludes my series on Disney Princesses! Until Frozen 2, that is. Which yes I will analyze. But I might analyze other Disney heroines too, like Nala from The Lion King and Jane from Tarzan. I just might take a slight breather first. 

Snow White’s Self-Esteem

Cinderella’s Courage and Compassion

Aurora’s Autonomy

Ariel’s Adventurous Spirit

Belle’s Bravery (and Boundaries)

Jasmine’s Justice

Pocahontas’s Power the Choose Her Path

Esmeralda’s Empathy

Meg’s Mistakes

Mulan’s Masks

Tiana’s Tenacity

Rapunzel’s Radiance

Anna’s Allegiance and Elsa’s Empowerment

[gavillain]

So with the year about to close, I’m once again doing my annual Top Ten Villains of This Year list. My personal rule for doing this: these characters are judged solely on the merits of their 2018 appearances, and I’m not going to include any villain who has appeared on last year’s list (which you can read here), even if they would still make the cut. Also bear in mind that this is only from media that I actually saw/read/played this year, so forgive me if your favorite isn’t here because I might not have seen them. New December movies in particular slipped through my fingers.

List under the cut

10. Lotor (Voltron: Legendary Defender)

Ever since Lotor first debuted, he's never been villainous enough for me. He's been positioned in villainous roles, but he never really did anything all that bad or evil. Season six, however, sees the true depth of his evil finally get revealed. His obsession with his Altean heritage and loathing of his Galra side is interesting from a psychological perspective, and his actions as the seemingly benevolent but truly vicious leader of the Altean refugees really highlight how truly sinister this guy was. He has quite a lot of blood on his hands all done to fuel his thirst for power. The final battle with him in the quintessence field was pretty cool too. I love seeing normally refined and restrained villains just totally lose it and go balls to the wall psycho and that's exactly what we got. We really finally got to see Lotor for who he was beneath all of the false masks he showed to Team Voltron and the audience, and, for that, I definitely consider him one of the year's best.

9. Barbara Kean (Gotham)

Gotham every year always has a great villain to highlight, and while I assume most Gotham fans are coming out of this year talking about the Valeska brother, I think Barbara Kean really showed her stuff this year. Barbara's had an interesting journey on the show, going from a bland love interest to a psycho ex-girlfriend to a Fish Mooney esque crime boss to this season becoming the heir of Ra's al Ghul himself. This year we saw Barbara Kean inherit Ra's al Ghul's mantel as the Demon's Head and assuming control over the League of Assassins. She proceeded to immediately put the sexist men in their place and established a lethal team of female assassins to serve her. It's fun to see Barbara taking on a new mantel and even being instrumental in taking down the original Ra's al Ghul when his schemes go too far. Her ultimately taking charge as the leader of the Gotham Sirens and declaring her turf a violently men-free-zone is a fun touch that I look forward to seeing get followed up in season five.

8. Magica DeSpell (DuckTales)

When I first heard that the DuckTales reboot was building up Magica DeSpell as some serious business Big Bad, I was definitely among those scratching my head. Magica had always just been a reoccurring funny villain with wacky hijinks rather than anyone who acted as a true Knight of Cerebus. However, 2017 DuckTales pulled it off and did so WONDERFULLY. Magica is not only a big serious villain and threat; she also maintains her same charismatic and funny personality. You see her manipulating Lena to giving up her body and unleashing ultimate darkness whilst still cracking jokes and going after Scrooge's number one dime. It's hard to balance genuine serious villainy with comedy, and it's a balancing act that the Disney villains of the 90s had down pat. And that's exactly what Magica feels like: a harkening back to that golden breed of Disney villains, and I hope to see her continue on in season two.

7. The Sanderson Sisters (Hocus Pocus: The All New Sequel)

This was the twenty-fifth anniversary of Hocus Pocus, and, to celebrate, Disney released a sequel novel that included both a novelization of the original film and an all new story set years later. The Sanderson Sisters are iconic and hilarious villains who have long been among my all time faves, so seeing them return in book form was a rare treat. This time, the Sandersons are scheming to bring all of the witches back from Hell to take over the world, and it's pretty scary reading Winnie's evil literally sending innocent people to Hell to exchange for evil witches. Mary also gets a solo musical number about her relationship with Winnie that's a lot of fun and sheds a new light on her character. It's operating at about the same level as A Twisted Tale in terms of quality so it's not hitting anything out of the ballpark, but seeing the Sandersons get treated to new content coinciding with their twenty-fifth anniversary is really fun and is worth their inclusion for sure.

6. Killmonger and Klaue (Black Panther)

The biggest movie of the year also gave us two of the very BEST villains of the year in the form of Killmonger and Klaue. Klaue, as portrayed by Andy Serkis, is naturally fun as a sinister and charismatic thief and arms dealer, filling sort of the "funny villain" quotient for the film. He's enjoyable and a treat to watch every time he's on screen. He's an evil white man who is raping African of its natural resources out of his sense of greed and entitlement. Killmonger compliments that nicely by being one of the deepest and most thought provoking character in the entire MCU. Killmonger is fun because not only is he sadistic and someone who enjoys bloodshed, he's also driven by righteous anger over the way that Wakanda has turned its back on black people globally. He has a desire to turn all of that around and remake the world. He may be cold and ruthless, but you can also see where he's coming from and that makes him all the more effective.

5. Salem (RWBY)

Salem, since her debut, has been a generic evily evil who eviled for some evil evil and never really had any texture at all besides being a vague evil. All of that changed this season of RWBY. We now know Salem and Ozpin's backstory. I was enthralled and mystified the entire time during their backstory. The animation, the story telling, everything was top notch. Salem is a woman who was cursed by immortality that hardened her into someone bitter and angry. She lost the man she loved once through death and then after his reincarnation, she lost him through his own fear of what she had become. She really feels like the type of character who is a tragic figure of myth at this point, and I loved how her motivation seems to stem from a bitterness at the gods and a desire to end the world that they created. Very fun for an arch-villain.

4. Red Goblin (The Amazing Spider-Man)

Dan Slott's decade long run as head writer of the Amazing Spider-Man came to an end earlier this year with a grand finale to end all grand finales: Norman Osborn, the Green Goblin, rediscovers Spider-Man's secret identity and bonds with the Carnage symbiote to form the Red Goblin. Now, on some level, I find that whole concept to be very fanwanky, but, on the other, it's REALLY fucking cool. Yeah, Spider-Man writers have a tendency to continuously try to tell the next great Norman Osborn story, and, while this doesn't really rank in my top five, it's a worthy effort. I appreciate how it shows off how vicious and relentless Norman is. Him just fire bombing random people on the street to get under Peter's skin in particular is one of those great twisted moments. I also liked seeing Norman corrupt his grandson Normie Osborn with the symbiote and getting a grandpa's little monster serving him. It's got that fun "he's an assassin and a hostage rolled into one effect. And, of course, the Red Goblin left a permanent mark on Spider-Man history by being the villain who murdered Flash Thompson, long time friend and ally of Peter.

3. Obake (Big Hero 6)

The Big Hero 6 TV show has been a slam dunk for Disney television. Bringing in the same creative minds behind Kim Possible, the show has a great "loving parody of he superhero genre" feel to it whilst still being an epic hero show in its own right, and six heroes are only as good as their villain. Voiced by Andrew Scott of Jim Moriarty fame, Obake is an evil genius mastermind who's always in control of a situation and always crafting diabolical and brilliant schemes. Obake is in many respects a dark image of what Hiro could become: a man who refuses to limit his brilliance by morals or familial ties. His brain has outright been damaged to where his conscience doesn't check him and this brain damage IS slowly killing him, but he accepts it as a reasonable price for his perspective free of morality. But in the end, his schemes were all that he had, and when he's defeated, he has no reason to live and effectively commits suicide after letting Baymax go. There's a really great tragedy to the way he ends up. And, on top of that, he's just a really interesting and charismatic villain with fun quirks, fun minions, and engaging schemes. Easily one of the very best villains to come out of Disney television. 2. Doctor Octopus (Spider-Man PS4)

One of the really smart features of Insomniac's Spider-Man game is that Octavius is actually not Doctor Octopus at all for the first half of the game. Octavius is Peter's friend and boss, and the two of them are working together on cybernetic appendages for prosthetic limbs that respond to the brain waves just like regular limbs. Octavius has a degenerative brain diseases that is causing him to slowly lose control of his motor functions. As such, when he thinks he has the solution, he's overly hasty to use it even though the cerebral interface has a dangerous impact on his personality and moods. It causes him to act upon his worth impulses, particularly his resentment and anger towards Norman Osborn. This turns him into the Doctor Octopus who we all know, much to Peter's sadness. Peter ends up struggling a lot in this game over whether Octavius is worth saving, and it tears him apart when they reach their climax. No spoilers, but it's POWERFUL writing and acting. I particularly like how this version of the characters takes a little from every single iteration of the character without ever feeling unfresh. He has that personal connection and tragic element of the Raimi Ock, he has the intelligent master criminal side of the comics version, he has a design that echoes the sort of "I may be an overweight nerd but I can still kick your ass" appeal of the Spectacular Spider-Man version, and yet they still find his own unique sweet spot of characterizations that perfectly blends with the Insomniac Spider-Man world. I particularly enjoy his use of the Sinister Six and how he gets them all under his control by using his intelligence to give them each what they want so that they're all in debt, but they all genuinely seem to enjoy and admire him. That's an excellent retelling of the Sinister Six that's far more interesting than just "We all hate Spider-Man so let's team up to fight him."

1. Venom (Venom)

This was honestly the biggest and weirdest surprise of the year for me. See, the whole idea of a Venom solo movie is a uniformly bad idea from basically the word "Go." Oh yes, let's do a movie about a villain whose entire character revolves around being a dark version of Spider-Man in a movie that completely omits Spider-Man so that the villain can be the protagonist. That won't backfire at all. Well, of course, it totally backfired into a complete mess, but it happened to create a mess that was entertaining and enjoyable and had an absolutely wonderful and fun take on the Venom character. This film leans hard into the romantic side of Eddie and the Venom symbiote's bond and sort of formats itself as a gay alien romcom. Eddie is a journalist who wants to be a hero through his reporting, but he pursues it at the expense of every meaningful relationship he has. Venom is the runt of his alien litter who on Earth suddenly finds himself as the big fish in a small pond, and he likes it that way. In Venom, Brock finds a relationship that allows him to indulge his savior complex that won't be destroyed by it, and in Brock, Venom finds someone who allows him to indulge his power trip and sense of narcissism. They complete one another. Yes, it's stupid. Yes, it's cheesy. No, it's NOT the Venom we know at all. But, yes, it's a fun and effective route to take the character in the absence of Spider-Man. The thing is that the reason why it's so fun is pretty much all Tom Hardy. Tom Hardy has a weird awful accent, but he also gives this weirdly camp performance that's just captivating and fun. It actually reminds me a bit of Jack Sparrow in a way in that it's so out there, you can't help but he enamored. The Venom symbiote has fun banter and chemistry with Hardy, and the humor is on point. You've got Venom eating gangsters as people around him under-react, and he just shrugs it off with a one-liner. It's that type of thing, and, honestly, I love it. Like when the movie is Tom Hardy and Venom being goofy murder bros together, it's fun and engaging. Eddie himself is definitely more hero than villain, but Venom absolutely counts as far as I’m concerned, even if he is restrained by Eddie’s moral code by the end of it. It's exactly the type of ridiculous villain protagonist fantasy that it needed to be, and even though Venom isn't the main antagonist of his story, he's still easily my favorite villain of 2018... I have no idea what that says about me XD

Also I have all three of Spider-Man's big archenemies on this list in the reverse order that I usually like them XD That's fun lol

[indigenousandangry]

Part II of the “Other Side of the Story”

This is a continuation from this thread about Disney's Pocahontas  which is in direct response to this post about the racist white side characters from Pocahontas . You may want to read those before you continue reading this thread.

We left off with Kocoum returning to the village with his injured friend. Powhatan realizes the danger the settlers poses and decides to call for reinforcements. He tells the other Natives in the village that the white men are dangerous and nobody is to go near them.

The rest will be under the cut:

Unbeknownst to Powhatan and the other settlers, Pocahontas and John Smith have already met. And I’ve already addressed before how it’s a good thing that Pocahontas is a beautiful supermodel Native woman because had she been a curious, unarmed native man, John Smith would have shot her on the spot. But somehow this is supposed to be a love story. In any case, Pocahontas returns to her village after the Colors of the Wind montage and Nakoma immediately knows that something is wrong with her. No sooner does she address this, John Smith appears.

Naturally, Nakoma panics because for all she knows, this could have been the guy who shot and injured Kocoum’s friend and he literally just found their village. And she is equally horrified when Pocahontas knows him, is clearly on good terms with him, and runs off with him after asking her not to say anything to Kocoum.

Nakoma, now absolutely put on the spot, lies for her friend when Kocoum asks where she is. This is something that pisses her off quite a bit and I’m glad she brings it up later. After this scene, Pocahontas introduces John Smith to Grandmother Willow (who unfortunately cannot smell the evil radiating off of Mel Gibson) and there’s a great scene where Ben and Lon go looking for Smith, talk about how creepy the forests is, and to not ask questions if they see any Indians and just shoot them on sight. But the next time Nakoma and Pocahontas interact, it’s when the warriors from the neighboring tribe arrive.

She’s literally about to tear into her right then and there until Kocoum shows up. But she doesn’t front her off, even though she is probably angry as hell that her best friend is interacting with a man who was literally sent here to kill all of them.

“Look at them. Now we have enough warriors to destroy those white demons.”

And here’s the kicker: as much as this film and the fans of the film want to argue that “two wrongs don’t make a right” and that “both sides were wrong and needed to make compromises,” this is what Powhatan does when Pocahontas approaches him.

"But maybe we should try talking to them." "They do not want to talk." "But if one of them did want to talk, you would listen to him, wouldn't you? Wouldn't you?" "Of course I would. But it is not that simple. Nothing is simple any more."

Powhatan, who is literally about to go into a war council with the other tribes, reassures his daughter that he would absolutely negotiate peace if the settlers wanted to talk. And we have no reason to believe that he’s lying to her considering what happens at the end of the film. 

So this man, who has just returned from a previous battle and knows how many settlers are coming at them with all their strange, deadly weapons, would still be willing to talk if it would bring peace, if for no reason other than the fact that it’s important to his daughter. 

While this is happening, Smith returns to the fort at Jamestown and learns that the settlers plan on waging an attack on the Natives within the next few days or so.

Look how angry every single one of those men are when they find out that Smith was just TALKING to another Native. This is before they even know that it’s Pocahontas. He doesn’t mention her name, rank, or gender. All they know is he met with one and didn’t kill her on sight.

“This is my land! I make the laws here. And I say anyone who so much as looks at an Indian without killing him on sight will be tried for treason... and hanged!”

The movie tries to draw parallels between these two cultures and people. In doing so, they only succeed in showing how violent and hateful the settlers are while the Natives are merely trying to defend themselves. 

Pocahontas only talks of peace because in this story, she’s only met ONE settler, and even those circumstances are deeply flawed (she’s literally only alive because she was a pretty woman). Meanwhile, the Natives observe rather than attack first, fight back in self defense, and gather their strength for an oncoming battle that Radcliffe confirms he was planning all along.

 This film’s idea of “both sides finding peace and understanding” becomes muddled when you realize that the Natives are completely within their right to not trust these men and should do what needs to be done for their own protection. It’s not like these white men were shipwrecked and ended up on this land by accident. They are literally here to invade, conquer, and kill everyone they meet who gets in their way. This isn’t making peace. At best, it’s hoping the Natives will consider Stockholm Syndrome instead of war.

As we get closer to the film’s conclusion, Pocahontas sneaks off into the night to find Smith. She hopes to bring him to the village so he can speak with her father and negotiate peace. 

Nakoma stops her and tells her that she lied for her once and isn’t going to do it again, that Pocahontas is turning her back on her people, and she doesn’t want her to get hurt. Honestly as far as this film is concerned, she’s 100% correct. Pocahontas ignores her and Nakoma goes to Kocoum and tells him she thinks Pocahontas is in trouble.

So Kocoum, goes after her and we know what happens next.

The woman he admires and hopes to marry is literally in the arms of one of the men sent to invade and murder his homeland, and she is kissing him.

The actual shock on his face turns into seething anger and then he attacks Smith. The film would suggest that it’s blind jealousy that sends him into a murderous rage but as a Native child watching this for the first time back in 1995, I hated her every bit as much for this scene. 

As I said in the last post, Kocoum’s outburst and subsequent death is more insulting than anything else. We’re supposed to disregard everything this man as fought for to protect his people and his village, we’re supposed to ignore that he is there on the front line when the settlers invade, and we’re supposed to forget that he had to rescue his friend from being murdered, because he gets jealous of John Smith. 

And instead of focusing on the sheer betrayal that Pocahontas personaly just committed against him and everything he’s stood for, we have to brush it off with “He’s mad this guy stole his girl and that’s gross because she wasn’t that into him anyway.” Instead of this understandable rage that would still appeal to Kocoum’s humanity, we’re more focused on “Oh no, John Smith is unarmed and not fighting back, Kocoum is such a jerk!”

And then he has to die so the racist white boy can have an epiphany.

And even then, after Kocoum is killed, Thomas runs away and John Smith is KIDNAPPED BY THE INDIANS AND BROUGHT TO POWHATAN ALIVE.

For all these men know, Kocoum went out to find Pocahontas and was killed by this white man (Pocahontas isn’t doing anything to tell them otherwise for the sake of drama or something). They could have easily killed him right there based on that and who could have blamed them? There’s a dead body, a weeping woman, and one of the white men sent to kill them. And they still bring him in alive.

As you can imagine, Powhatan is pissed that a man he respected and cared for as a son is dead because his dumbass daughter didn’t listen to him when he told her to stay in the village. And because of that, he’s going to execute John Smith at the very beginning of the battle.

None of Powhatan’s anger and “hatred” is rooted in racism. His decision to kill Smith is not rooted in the same contempt and hatred as the settlers who came to the New World. The Indians literally did nothing to the settlers, who decided at the very beginning of the movie that they hated them and were going to kill them. The Natives on the other hand have been invaded, attacked, ridiculed, and now someone they love is dead, and for all they know, this is the man who did it.

Sorry. “Make love not war” isn’t going to cut it. It never has in a story about colonialism.

Even in the song “Savages,” the Natives motivation for going to war isn’t rooted in racism. While Radcliffe is using degrading terminology that is racialized and still used to oppress and abuse Natives to this day, what is Powhatan and his people singing about?

"This is what we feared. The paleface is a demon. The only thing they feel at all is greed."

"Beneath that milky hide, there's emptiness inside.” "I wonder if they even bleed." "They're savages, savages, barely even human." "Savages, savages, Killers at the core."

" They're different from us, which means they can't be trusted." "We must sound the drums of war."

If you compare this to what the settlers have been saying for the entire film leading up to this song, how can you even begin to say the Natives are wrong? Are we suddenly supposed to care because there’s a misunderstanding about John Smith? He was still invading, still there to kill Indians, absolutely would have murdered Pocahontas even though she was doing nothing to him, wholeheartedly believed Natives were primitive and beneath him, and is even more deplorable in the actual history books.

The Natives in this scene may be “hateful,” but that’s honestly because hate is a valid emotional response in the face of ethnic cleansing. Which Radcliffe even brings up in the song’s reprise:

"They're just a bunch of filthy, stinking savages, savages Demons! Devils! Kill them! Savages, savages. What are we waiting for? Destroy their evil race until there's not a trace left"

We can go into how self aware this film thinks it’s being by referencing the actual genocide committed against the people they’re singing about exterminating, but I’d rather wrap this up. 

People often cite that the point of this film is to teach children that racism is bad and we can be more understanding if we stop hating each other. But it heavily relies on using the Natives for pushing that message, and that leaves such a bad taste in my mouth.

 As I’ve stated several times, the Natives literally have every reason in the world to hate these men and fight back for their lives and the lives of their loved ones. And yet, they’re the ones who have to extend an olive branch if they don’t want to get killed off, as if being polite and peaceful and understanding has EVER saved a Native American from racial violence. Let us not forget that the actual Pocahontas literally never hurt ANYBODY and the colonists still chose to kidnap, abuse, and rape her and some sources believe that she was murdered when she went overseas.

But getting back to the story, Powhatan goes to kill Smith, Pocahontas stops him, tells him he’s being hateful and to choose love instead. 

So he does....

And naturally, Radcliffe wants to attack. But now that the settlers realize that beautiful Native women can be another commodity, they refuse to fight. So Radcliffe is like “Fuck this, I’ll do it myself,” and goes to shoot Powhatan.

But since Mel Gibson has to be Jesus in every movie he’s in, he jumps in the way of the bullet to save Pocahontas’s father. 

And even thought Radcliffe LITERALLY SHOT SMITH BY ACCIDENT, the colonists decide that THIS is the last straw and they need to stop Radcliffe now.

All of these men were on board with slaughtering Natives. Hell, when Radcliffe steals the gun and aims it at the chief, none of the colonists even TRY to stop him. Would that have given a damn if Powhatan had been shot? Hell, it would have probably made a bit more sense for Radcliffe to try and shoot Pocahontas and Smith take a bullet for her. But now that one of their own is almost killed, suddenly listening to Radcliffe was “always a bad idea” or something.  

And we can go into the absurdity of John Smith taking a bullet for any Native American alive given how badly he screwed all of them over in real life, but I’d much rather end things here.

So there you have it. The “other side” of the story, where the white characters are still racist, the Natives were always in the right, and this movie is still garbage.

You’re welcome.

[latestnews2018-blog]

'Generation Wealth' Is A Wild Peek Into The 1 Percent, Where Women Just Can't Win

New Post has been published on https://latestnews2018.com/generation-wealth-is-a-wild-peek-into-the-1-percent-where-women-just-cant-win/

'Generation Wealth' Is A Wild Peek Into The 1 Percent, Where Women Just Can't Win

One of the most prophetic photos in Lauren Greenfield’s 25-year-long documentary project, “Generation Wealth,” shows a 12-year-old Kim Kardashian hanging out with friends at a school dance in the early 1990s.

Dressed casually in overalls and a white T-shirt, Kardashian is more than a few reality TV spinoffs away away from the glam icon she’s become. Yet her lips are touched with rouge, hinting at a budding fancy for self-enhancement. And while her classmates ignore the camera in their midst, Kardashian perks up at the sight of it, gazing into the lens with curiosity and slight amazement. 

It’s an eerie premonition of what’s to come, the Kardashian-ization of our cultural consciousness. Back in the ’90s, Kim K. was another privileged kid at a Los Angeles middle school populated by celebrity offspring. But fast forward a couple decades and “[k]eeping up with the Joneses literally became keeping up with the Kardashians,” Greenfield often repeats in interviews about her project.

Greenfield, the filmmaker behind “The Queen of Versailles,” has spent two and a half decades obsessively filming, photographing and interviewing hundreds of subjects like pre-E! Kardashian, whose lives have been in some way warped by capitalism’s scourge ― from hedge fund managers to child beauty queens, aspiring rappers to trust fund teenagers. 

The anthropological study took the form of a photography exhibition last year, a disorienting glimpse into the lives of the 1 percent, as well as with those who crumble in their desperate attempt to reach the upper echelons. Now, it’s headed to the big screen as a documentary distributed by Amazon.

Overall, the documentary ― like the photo project that preceded it ― critiques what it perceives to be our new, debased American dream and everything that comes along with it: greed, vanity, unchecked ambition, an obsession with surfaces. All no good, very bad consequences of corporate capitalism.

Kardashian reappears in the film, framed as the embodiment of societal ills all grown up. Clips of her sex tape play as Courtney Roskop, a former adult film actress, says, “I always say Kim is my inspiration.”

Greenfield posits Kardashian as the ultimate incarnation of our fame-hungry culture and its all-consuming desire to get more by doing less. Her reality TV empire played a critical role in obscuring the line between fiction and reality. Most damningly, Greenfield suggests, she’s transformed her body into a commodity, embraced sexuality as a form of currency, and inspired other women to do so, too. 

And therein lies the problem with Greenfield’s doc. 

Whereas the project’s still photos depict their subjects ― flawed and outrageous as they may be ― with empathy and detached fascination, as if her camera can’t help but be somewhat seduced by the shiny horrors it aims to criticize, the film lacks this same nuance. Instead, it beats viewers over the head with overwrought narration, a cheesy soundtrack and a moralizing tone ― one that’s particularly deaf in its treatment of women, who, in an effort to climb the ladder to success, historically start more than a few rungs down from their male counterparts.

In the process of condemning the commodification of women’s bodies, “Generation Wealth” demonizes sexuality as a means of appealing to the men who profit most from the system anyway. And it fails to acknowledge sexual expression as anything but an unfortunate side effect of patriarchal capitalist culture’s blight. By embracing eroticism as a form of capital, Greenfield winds up alternately walloping and pitying the women who yearn for it and exude it. At times, her critiques of their lifestyle veer off the topic of wealth all together. 

In the end, Greenfield’s cinematic portrait paints the Donald Trumps and Stormy Danielses of the world with the same broad brush. 

Lauren Greenfield courtesy of Amazon Studios

For example, Greenfield invites “Generation Wealth” viewers into an upscale workout class, dubbed cardio striptease, where a room full of women spin around poles and dance suggestively as a teacher cheers them on.

“Let’s roll over and crawl and act like we like it,” the teacher says, as women move sensually on all fours. The smiles and laughter, however, suggest they genuinely do enjoy exploring their sexuality in such an open, though perhaps absurd, safe space. Greenfield interprets the scene differently. Even women who don’t financially benefit from their sexuality, she seems to argue, manage to exploit themselves. This is the capitalistic hellscape we occupy.

Cut to Magic City, a strip club in Atlanta, Georgia, where a combination of narration and hedonistic imagery cue the intended lesson. “At Magic City, beautiful girls use their sexual capital to rise to the top,” Greenfield proclaims, as images of naked black women dancing amid flurries of cash play on-screen. 

“When I first started dancing, I felt like I made it,” Diamond, a stripper at Magic City, tells Greenfield. Her words play over footage of women on their hands and knees, gathering wads of money from the floor. “Being average has never been an option for me.” The intended juxtaposition ― Diamond’s words versus the reality Greenfield sees ― is cringeworthy. 

Greenfield places the onus of responsibility not on the men treating women like objects (“I’m throwing money on a person, and she likes it!” a DJ who also works at the club says into the camera) but on the women who take pride in their work and their bodies for being blind to their supposed exploitation. Diamond doesn’t seem to possess the outrageously deep pockets of some of Greenfield’s other subjects, nor has she indicated in any way that stripping has negatively impacted her life. And yet Greenfield frames her as an unfortunate casualty in capitalism’s wake, conforming to the patriarchal underpinnings of the patrons and employers who might objectify her. 

Lauren Greenfield, courtesy of Amazon Studios

Adam, 13, and a go-go dancer hired to entertain at a bar mitzvah party at the Whisky a Go Go nightclub in West Hollywood, 1992.

But one need not venture into a strip club to witness women exploiting themselves, Greenfield argues. All you need is an internet connection. Although social media didn’t exist when her project began in the early ’90s, Greenfield suggests that it provides the perfect platform for women to Kardashian-ify themselves now. 

Take it from Greenfield’s 15-year-old son Noah, who conducted an “Instagram study” on the subject, the findings of which wound their way into his mom’s doc. “I feel like a lot of my friends are in very revealing bikinis to make sure they get a lot of likes,” he says against a backdrop of Instagram photos of underage girls in bathing suits, their faces blacked out.

“Guys want what’s really demeaning to women,” Noah continues, as an nude selfie of Kim K. hits the screen. “To match guys’ expectations, I think lot of women try to replicate it.” A 15-year-old boy’s dogged conviction that scantily clad women are debasing themselves for men’s enjoyment is taken as fact, thereby amplifying the film’s overarching message that women are incapable of subverting the capitalist trappings thrust upon them. 

Noah then discusses which Instagram posts don’t get as many likes: namely, in his experience, those which depict family. A cute family photo of the Greenfields flashes on screen.

Family, the film emphasizes, is the way out of our current consumer dystopia, and childbearing an antidote to women’s perpetual self-degradation. Most every hopeful moment in “Generation Wealth” revolves around family, and in particular, motherhood.

Suzanne, a workaholic who spent unseemly amounts of money on her personal appearance, describes feeling changed “so dramatically” by the birth of her daughter, whom she describes as “the prize.”

When she muses on her shifting spending habits, from contemporary art for herself to ballet classes for her daughter, the film’s happy Disney background music communicates a positive change has occurred. Never mind the fact that her spending seems just as exorbitant. 

Lauren Greenfield courtesy of Amazon Studios

Mijanou, 18, who was voted Best Physique at Beverly Hills High School, at Senior Beach Day, Santa Monica, California, 1993.

The sentiment continues as Greenfield revisits a woman named Mijanou, whom she initially met in 1994 as a high schooler in Los Angeles, when she was awarded “best body” of her graduating class.

As an adult, Mijanou is just as beautiful, though her style is more bohemian earth mother now. In the film, she runs with her daughter Sahaya through an idyllic field, conveniently located in the backyard of a mansion that she is probably not trespassing on, as she praises the benefits of “conscious parenting” and a TV-less lifestyle. 

“I feel protective over her. She’s so beautiful,” Mijanou says of her daughter, before recalling the more painful memories of her own adolescence. “I think about that time, and how even I used to dress, and I’m now like, oh my God, I would never want Sahaya to go out like that.”

She’s framed as having escaped consumerism’s devilish grips, primarily by covering up and giving birth.

Overall, the documentary provides a wild glimpse into the highest ranks of wealth. And it admits that, under capitalism, women get the short end of the stick. However, by framing family as the ultimate panacea to the damage consumerism inflicts, and caricaturing the women whose priorities remain elsewhere, Greenfield muddles her point.

She fails to consider that child-rearing isn’t an antidote to income inequality, but in fact, a sure way to perpetuate it. 

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[trendingnewsb]

The 6 Most WTF Hollywood Depictions Of Donald Trump

Before he became the inciting incident in the post-apocalyptic thriller that is our age, Donald Trump spent most of his life cultivating the image of a disgustingly wealthy businessman and cameo-worthy celebrity. He was the rich bully of his time, inspiring many movies and TV shows to feature barely fictionalized versions of him as villainous characters meant to symbolize the greed and cynicism of 1980s capitalism. Interestingly, none of the following examples ever went so far as to imagine a future in which this character would become president.

6

A Trumpian New York City Developer Starts A Hate Campaign Against The Ninja Turtles

It was only a matter of time before the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles squared off against the most quintessential of all New York City foes: rising property values.

In the fourth season of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show, the Turtles are beleaguered by real estate magnate and rotund blowhard Fenton Q. Hackenbrush, who runs the not so subtly named Donald J. Lofty Enterprises. Hackenbrush wants to demolish the sewers completely and turn them into Donald J. Lofty luxury condos. For that, he needs the Turtles to disappear. (If Hackenbrush is anything like the real Trump, he probably thinks the Turtles are the wrong color to live in one of his buildings.)

In an interview with April O’Neil, Hackenbrush sells his greedy plans to the public on the basis that his sewer reconstruction will “flush out the worst menace in the city: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” Of course, the people of New York don’t have any problems with the Turtles, so Hackenbrush forces a group of employees to dress up in those bad Turtle Halloween costumes we all used to wear and go commit crimes.

Then an evil turtle named Slash arrives in the city, and Hackenbrush immediately mocks him as “some kind of foreigner,” but then bribes him into sowing mayhem, fanning the flames of turtle racism.

Hackenbrush is eventually exposed by some ace reporting by O’Neil (New York Times, pay attention). As punishment, he is loudly fired by the actual owner of the company, Mr. Lofty — who looks surprisingly a lot like Fred Trump, Donald’s father. We’re not saying TMNT intentionally created a world in which Fred Trump would repeatedly yell “You’re fired” at his heir, but that’s immediately the best Trump origin story we’ve ever heard.

5

The Devil’s Advocate Features A Rich Murderer Who Owns Trump Tower

In The Devil’s Advocate, Al Pacino is the titular Devil (not a spoiler; you don’t cast Pacino in a movie about Satan and make him the lovable dad), who has set up a law firm in New York in order to subvert justice and release evil into society. And who is Satan’s favorite client? The guy who lives atop Trump Tower.

Though it is slightly inaccurate, since he never claims to have the best murders ever, just fantastic.

Alexander Cullen, played by a suitably balding Craig T. Nelson, is a Trump-esque real estate mogul accused of murdering his wife, stepson, and maid — dire straits for a guy based on someone who once bragged he could shoot a person in the middle of the street and get away with it. His arrest immediately prompts Pacino’s law firm of Fire, Brimstone & Ham to send their new ace attorney, Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves wearing his dad’s suit), to defend Cullen. Why? Because, oddly, he’s Lucifer’s best client, having racked up “16,242” billable hours in one year. That’s a lot of shady business.

Warner Bros. Pictures 1.85 years of shady business, to be exact.

But being a hated New York business tycoon and employing a massive team of evil lawyers doesn’t necessarily mean Cullen is a Trump clone, right? Luckily, for the sake of subtlety, when we finally arrive at Cullen’s home, we see that it’s literally Trump’s apartment in Trump Tower. The filmmakers managed to rent it out, preserving its natural appearance as Liberace’s mind palace.

Warner Bros. Pictures

Warner Bros. Pictures “Try not to touch anything — you’ll get metal poisoning.”

In the end, Cullen is found not guilty, despite Lomax knowing that he murdered those people, thereby finally giving in to his true nature as the son of Satan. That’s right, the Devil’s son loses his innocence by defending Trump. Burn.

4

A Sci-Fi TV Show Villain Morphs Into Donald Trump … Played By Donald Trump

Night Man was a late ’90s low-budget TV show based on the Malibu Comics series about a San Franciscan saxophone player who can sense evil and wears a laser eye. Despite that, it somehow managed to run for two seasons, possibly because of its reliance on magnificently bizarre cameos — none of which were more utterly mystifying than Donald J. Trump in technically the only real acting credit to his name.

In this episode, Night Man is chasing a face-changing villain called Face to Face, who decides to engage in some quick identity theft to make a large withdrawal from the bank. Who better to transform into than the self-proclaimed richest man in the universe, Donald Trump? (No really, please suggest someone better.) In one of the most perfect sequences in the history of the medium, Face to Face slowly morphs into The Donald, dazzling audiences with peak mid ’90s CGI while simultaneously reinforcing the idea that Trumps looks like a melting Claire Danes.

Donald Trump — remember, this is the real Donald Trump playing a man who has shapeshifted into Donald Trump — walks into a delightfully green-screened bank, and then sits down with the bank manager to illegally withdraw $10,000. Sadly, the nuanced layers of a real man pretending to be a fake man pretending to be him do not translate to Trump’s performance:

Could they not find a real bank that would allow Trump to walk in?

Weirdly, in his utter boredom and bad acting, something spectacular happens: Trump seems … nice. He’s subdued, polite, even charming. It seems that all you need to do to make Trump likable is carefully control what he says and make sure he’s not physically in the same room with any human beings.

3

A Disney Show Paired Donald Trump With A Dead Pirate

Before Disney found a way to become rich off Johnny Depp wearing a lot of eyeliner, it first got its pirate feet wet with The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage, a lighthearted romp wherein the undead spirit of a mass murderer teams up with a fictional Donald Trump analogue to save both of their souls from burning forever in hell.

Luckily, Disney would never reuse “Jack Savage,” or his ship the Black Bird, or anything like it ever again.

When Daniel Tarberry, a rich real estate mogul from New York, has to flee the country because of legal troubles, he buys a luxurious Caribbean mansion to lie low in, but doing so summons the ghost of Black Jack Savage, who was hanged on the island for his crimes. The two are now forced to save the lives of 100 people in order to save themselves from eternal damnation.

Tarberry is a greedy shark who insists on hanging a portrait of himself in every hotel room he owns and constantly tries to weasel out of paying his contractors a dime. He’s not very respectful to women, referring to every lady who talks back to him as “the poster girl for PMS.” He’s also a straight up racist, first assuming Black Jack is his cabin boy, then loudly exclaiming that he wants to change all the locks because he “found a black man in my kitchen.”

The writers had intended to start Tarberry off as a real piece of Trump, only to eventually learn from his mistakes and become a better man. He even occasionally refrains from treating Black Jack like some weird Jim Crow genie.

But the show never got to the redemption part, as the network pulled it after only seven poorly rated episodes. Believing that people are interested in seeing a Trump redemption story might have been the most misjudged part of The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage — a Disney show that opens with a black man being lynched.

2

Gremlins 2 Had Trump Fight Gremlins

Nobody really expected Gremlins to get a sequel, especially not its creators. And when it did, no one could have predicted that the real villain wouldn’t be gremlins, but the world’s most notorious New York City mogul.

Director Joe Dante wanted to have the Gremlins run amok in a fancy New York skyscraper. But the movie still needed a villain, a rich guy so obnoxious that audiences wouldn’t feel bad about watching midnight demons tear him several new assholes. And then it hit Dante: “At that time in New York City, there was one major character who was Mr. Billion.”

At the time, Trump was known for being “overbearing and obviously kind of goofy,” said the film’s writer, Charles S. Haas. “He was an emblem of what was going on in the ’80s and ’90s with greed and money and crassness, and [the idea of] the whole world being for sale.” And so they created powerful millionaire Daniel Clamp, a Trumpian mogul (with a dash of Ted Turner) who also happens to be running violent animal experiments in his tower Clamp Center.

Actor John Glover modeled his performance of Clamp on the director, whom he saw as “incredibly gentle, supporting and encouraging,” rather than on Trump, which is why Clamp can say weirdly racist nonsense like “Let’s lose the elm trees. People see elm, they think Dutch. [pause] Disease” and still sound like a swell boss. It’s also why we unreservedly root for Clamp when he shoves a Gremlin into a paper shredder.

And also because he seems to be the only one who realizes gremlins aren’t that difficult to kill.

Consequently, Gremlins 2: The New Batch offers a peek at an alternate universe in which Nice Trump helps us fight small-minded rage goblins, as opposed to the universe we live in, where those goblins got him elected president.

1

Sesame Street Thinks Donald Trump Is Garbage

Over its nearly 50-year history, Sesame Street has striven to be not just entertainment, but also a tool to teach children. And many times over, it has tried to teach them that Donald Trump is the king of the trash people.

The first time we encounter Sesame‘s Trump is in ’88, as a grouch named Ronald Grump. Grump is trying to con fellow grouch Oscar into letting him build a three-trash-can-high Grump Tower on his spot in return for a “duplex can-dominium.” Oscar simply adores Grump at first, because he exemplifies grouch values, as “his name is on every piece of trash in town.” Grump is also grouch-famous for building “a swamp in a day,” a line so apt that the Sesame Street writers should get a retroactive Emmy for it.

“What about dumpsters?”

However, Grump immediately tries to evict Oscar for keeping pets in his fantastic, just the best tower. This forces all the Sesame Street residents to band together to buy Grump off with their garbage, making the first lesson most American kids learned about Donald Trump was that they need to pay him to go away before he ruins everything.

Donald Grump returns during the show’s 2005 parody of The Apprentice, in which lesser grouches are fighting for the privilege to assist Grump in peddling his trash all across town. After a series of pointless tasks, Elmo, whose hard work and positive attitude wins the day, immediately gets fired by Grump, who exclaims, “I can’t have a good helper! I got my reputation to think of.”

However, the Trump animosity really boiled over during the Street‘s 25th anniversary show in 1993. The entire special episode revolves around the residents of Sesame Street fighting Grump (this time expertly portrayed by human forehead vein Joe Pesci), who’s trying to convert the entire block into a garish Grump Tower. At first he sweetly attempts to convince them that having their street become an overpriced boutique is a good thing. But when the residents don’t agree, Grump starts threatening Muppets like they’re in Goodfellas.

Fortunately, Grump’s plans fall apart because Oscar and his trash heap (which are on city property) keep Grump from selling a single condo. Furious, he rips up his plans and screams that Sesame Street didn’t deserve a Grump Tower anyway. So that’s charm, bully, and now abandonment. If the show had ended with Grump taking Oscar to court for loss of potential revenue, Sesame Street would have achieved the quadfecta of the Trump negotiation style long before Nancy Pelosi coined it.

Since he became president, Trump has not been shy about his desire to gut PBS, the public station that was home to Sesame Street until 2016. We can’t help but think that Ronald Grump has something to do with that.

Cedric will never stop politicizing Muppets. The best way to boycott his leftist agenda is by following him on Twitter but then never interacting with him in any shape or form. That’ll show him.

Why should you have to deal with the Trump presidency alone? Make your cats miserable too with this Donald Trump cat costume.

If you loved this article and want more like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.

Also check out Let’s Stop Viewing Donald Trump Through Pop Culture Lenses and Donald Trump’s Method For Covering Up Bad News With Tweets.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Does Nobody Know About Trump’s Vlog, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for fascinating episodes like Murdered Sex Dolls And Porn Suitcases: What Garbagemen See and I Was a Sex Slave in the Modern U.S., available wherever you get your podcasts.

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The 6 Most WTF Hollywood Depictions Of Donald Trump

Before he became the inciting incident in the post-apocalyptic thriller that is our age, Donald Trump spent most of his life cultivating the image of a disgustingly wealthy businessman and cameo-worthy celebrity. He was the rich bully of his time, inspiring many movies and TV shows to feature barely fictionalized versions of him as villainous characters meant to symbolize the greed and cynicism of 1980s capitalism. Interestingly, none of the following examples ever went so far as to imagine a future in which this character would become president.

6

A Trumpian New York City Developer Starts A Hate Campaign Against The Ninja Turtles

It was only a matter of time before the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles squared off against the most quintessential of all New York City foes: rising property values.

In the fourth season of the original Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles show, the Turtles are beleaguered by real estate magnate and rotund blowhard Fenton Q. Hackenbrush, who runs the not so subtly named Donald J. Lofty Enterprises. Hackenbrush wants to demolish the sewers completely and turn them into Donald J. Lofty luxury condos. For that, he needs the Turtles to disappear. (If Hackenbrush is anything like the real Trump, he probably thinks the Turtles are the wrong color to live in one of his buildings.)

In an interview with April O’Neil, Hackenbrush sells his greedy plans to the public on the basis that his sewer reconstruction will “flush out the worst menace in the city: the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles.” Of course, the people of New York don’t have any problems with the Turtles, so Hackenbrush forces a group of employees to dress up in those bad Turtle Halloween costumes we all used to wear and go commit crimes.

Then an evil turtle named Slash arrives in the city, and Hackenbrush immediately mocks him as “some kind of foreigner,” but then bribes him into sowing mayhem, fanning the flames of turtle racism.

Hackenbrush is eventually exposed by some ace reporting by O’Neil (New York Times, pay attention). As punishment, he is loudly fired by the actual owner of the company, Mr. Lofty — who looks surprisingly a lot like Fred Trump, Donald’s father. We’re not saying TMNT intentionally created a world in which Fred Trump would repeatedly yell “You’re fired” at his heir, but that’s immediately the best Trump origin story we’ve ever heard.

5

The Devil’s Advocate Features A Rich Murderer Who Owns Trump Tower

In The Devil’s Advocate, Al Pacino is the titular Devil (not a spoiler; you don’t cast Pacino in a movie about Satan and make him the lovable dad), who has set up a law firm in New York in order to subvert justice and release evil into society. And who is Satan’s favorite client? The guy who lives atop Trump Tower.

Though it is slightly inaccurate, since he never claims to have the best murders ever, just fantastic.

Alexander Cullen, played by a suitably balding Craig T. Nelson, is a Trump-esque real estate mogul accused of murdering his wife, stepson, and maid — dire straits for a guy based on someone who once bragged he could shoot a person in the middle of the street and get away with it. His arrest immediately prompts Pacino’s law firm of Fire, Brimstone & Ham to send their new ace attorney, Kevin Lomax (Keanu Reeves wearing his dad’s suit), to defend Cullen. Why? Because, oddly, he’s Lucifer’s best client, having racked up “16,242” billable hours in one year. That’s a lot of shady business.

Warner Bros. Pictures 1.85 years of shady business, to be exact.

But being a hated New York business tycoon and employing a massive team of evil lawyers doesn’t necessarily mean Cullen is a Trump clone, right? Luckily, for the sake of subtlety, when we finally arrive at Cullen’s home, we see that it’s literally Trump’s apartment in Trump Tower. The filmmakers managed to rent it out, preserving its natural appearance as Liberace’s mind palace.

Warner Bros. Pictures

Warner Bros. Pictures “Try not to touch anything — you’ll get metal poisoning.”

In the end, Cullen is found not guilty, despite Lomax knowing that he murdered those people, thereby finally giving in to his true nature as the son of Satan. That’s right, the Devil’s son loses his innocence by defending Trump. Burn.

4

A Sci-Fi TV Show Villain Morphs Into Donald Trump … Played By Donald Trump

Night Man was a late ’90s low-budget TV show based on the Malibu Comics series about a San Franciscan saxophone player who can sense evil and wears a laser eye. Despite that, it somehow managed to run for two seasons, possibly because of its reliance on magnificently bizarre cameos — none of which were more utterly mystifying than Donald J. Trump in technically the only real acting credit to his name.

In this episode, Night Man is chasing a face-changing villain called Face to Face, who decides to engage in some quick identity theft to make a large withdrawal from the bank. Who better to transform into than the self-proclaimed richest man in the universe, Donald Trump? (No really, please suggest someone better.) In one of the most perfect sequences in the history of the medium, Face to Face slowly morphs into The Donald, dazzling audiences with peak mid ’90s CGI while simultaneously reinforcing the idea that Trumps looks like a melting Claire Danes.

Donald Trump — remember, this is the real Donald Trump playing a man who has shapeshifted into Donald Trump — walks into a delightfully green-screened bank, and then sits down with the bank manager to illegally withdraw $10,000. Sadly, the nuanced layers of a real man pretending to be a fake man pretending to be him do not translate to Trump’s performance:

Could they not find a real bank that would allow Trump to walk in?

Weirdly, in his utter boredom and bad acting, something spectacular happens: Trump seems … nice. He’s subdued, polite, even charming. It seems that all you need to do to make Trump likable is carefully control what he says and make sure he’s not physically in the same room with any human beings.

3

A Disney Show Paired Donald Trump With A Dead Pirate

Before Disney found a way to become rich off Johnny Depp wearing a lot of eyeliner, it first got its pirate feet wet with The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage, a lighthearted romp wherein the undead spirit of a mass murderer teams up with a fictional Donald Trump analogue to save both of their souls from burning forever in hell.

Luckily, Disney would never reuse “Jack Savage,” or his ship the Black Bird, or anything like it ever again.

When Daniel Tarberry, a rich real estate mogul from New York, has to flee the country because of legal troubles, he buys a luxurious Caribbean mansion to lie low in, but doing so summons the ghost of Black Jack Savage, who was hanged on the island for his crimes. The two are now forced to save the lives of 100 people in order to save themselves from eternal damnation.

Tarberry is a greedy shark who insists on hanging a portrait of himself in every hotel room he owns and constantly tries to weasel out of paying his contractors a dime. He’s not very respectful to women, referring to every lady who talks back to him as “the poster girl for PMS.” He’s also a straight up racist, first assuming Black Jack is his cabin boy, then loudly exclaiming that he wants to change all the locks because he “found a black man in my kitchen.”

The writers had intended to start Tarberry off as a real piece of Trump, only to eventually learn from his mistakes and become a better man. He even occasionally refrains from treating Black Jack like some weird Jim Crow genie.

But the show never got to the redemption part, as the network pulled it after only seven poorly rated episodes. Believing that people are interested in seeing a Trump redemption story might have been the most misjudged part of The 100 Lives Of Black Jack Savage — a Disney show that opens with a black man being lynched.

2

Gremlins 2 Had Trump Fight Gremlins

Nobody really expected Gremlins to get a sequel, especially not its creators. And when it did, no one could have predicted that the real villain wouldn’t be gremlins, but the world’s most notorious New York City mogul.

Director Joe Dante wanted to have the Gremlins run amok in a fancy New York skyscraper. But the movie still needed a villain, a rich guy so obnoxious that audiences wouldn’t feel bad about watching midnight demons tear him several new assholes. And then it hit Dante: “At that time in New York City, there was one major character who was Mr. Billion.”

At the time, Trump was known for being “overbearing and obviously kind of goofy,” said the film’s writer, Charles S. Haas. “He was an emblem of what was going on in the ’80s and ’90s with greed and money and crassness, and [the idea of] the whole world being for sale.” And so they created powerful millionaire Daniel Clamp, a Trumpian mogul (with a dash of Ted Turner) who also happens to be running violent animal experiments in his tower Clamp Center.

Actor John Glover modeled his performance of Clamp on the director, whom he saw as “incredibly gentle, supporting and encouraging,” rather than on Trump, which is why Clamp can say weirdly racist nonsense like “Let’s lose the elm trees. People see elm, they think Dutch. [pause] Disease” and still sound like a swell boss. It’s also why we unreservedly root for Clamp when he shoves a Gremlin into a paper shredder.

And also because he seems to be the only one who realizes gremlins aren’t that difficult to kill.

Consequently, Gremlins 2: The New Batch offers a peek at an alternate universe in which Nice Trump helps us fight small-minded rage goblins, as opposed to the universe we live in, where those goblins got him elected president.

1

Sesame Street Thinks Donald Trump Is Garbage

Over its nearly 50-year history, Sesame Street has striven to be not just entertainment, but also a tool to teach children. And many times over, it has tried to teach them that Donald Trump is the king of the trash people.

The first time we encounter Sesame‘s Trump is in ’88, as a grouch named Ronald Grump. Grump is trying to con fellow grouch Oscar into letting him build a three-trash-can-high Grump Tower on his spot in return for a “duplex can-dominium.” Oscar simply adores Grump at first, because he exemplifies grouch values, as “his name is on every piece of trash in town.” Grump is also grouch-famous for building “a swamp in a day,” a line so apt that the Sesame Street writers should get a retroactive Emmy for it.

“What about dumpsters?”

However, Grump immediately tries to evict Oscar for keeping pets in his fantastic, just the best tower. This forces all the Sesame Street residents to band together to buy Grump off with their garbage, making the first lesson most American kids learned about Donald Trump was that they need to pay him to go away before he ruins everything.

Donald Grump returns during the show’s 2005 parody of The Apprentice, in which lesser grouches are fighting for the privilege to assist Grump in peddling his trash all across town. After a series of pointless tasks, Elmo, whose hard work and positive attitude wins the day, immediately gets fired by Grump, who exclaims, “I can’t have a good helper! I got my reputation to think of.”

However, the Trump animosity really boiled over during the Street‘s 25th anniversary show in 1993. The entire special episode revolves around the residents of Sesame Street fighting Grump (this time expertly portrayed by human forehead vein Joe Pesci), who’s trying to convert the entire block into a garish Grump Tower. At first he sweetly attempts to convince them that having their street become an overpriced boutique is a good thing. But when the residents don’t agree, Grump starts threatening Muppets like they’re in Goodfellas.

Fortunately, Grump’s plans fall apart because Oscar and his trash heap (which are on city property) keep Grump from selling a single condo. Furious, he rips up his plans and screams that Sesame Street didn’t deserve a Grump Tower anyway. So that’s charm, bully, and now abandonment. If the show had ended with Grump taking Oscar to court for loss of potential revenue, Sesame Street would have achieved the quadfecta of the Trump negotiation style long before Nancy Pelosi coined it.

Since he became president, Trump has not been shy about his desire to gut PBS, the public station that was home to Sesame Street until 2016. We can’t help but think that Ronald Grump has something to do with that.

Cedric will never stop politicizing Muppets. The best way to boycott his leftist agenda is by following him on Twitter but then never interacting with him in any shape or form. That’ll show him.

Why should you have to deal with the Trump presidency alone? Make your cats miserable too with this Donald Trump cat costume.

If you loved this article and want more like it, please support our site with a visit to our Contribution Page.

Also check out Let’s Stop Viewing Donald Trump Through Pop Culture Lenses and Donald Trump’s Method For Covering Up Bad News With Tweets.

Subscribe to our YouTube channel, and check out Why Does Nobody Know About Trump’s Vlog, and watch other videos you won’t see on the site!

Follow our new Pictofacts Facebook page, and we’ll follow you everywhere.

Get intimate with our new podcast Cracked Gets Personal. Subscribe for fascinating episodes like Murdered Sex Dolls And Porn Suitcases: What Garbagemen See and I Was a Sex Slave in the Modern U.S., available wherever you get your podcasts.

Read more: http://ift.tt/2yzh9ar

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