#disabled trans college dropout problems

[glittergroovy]

Hi loves I only have $109 in my account after buying groceries yesterday…

I’m waiting to hear back from jobs still. My only source of income currently is from online surveys & that does not add up to much at all.

Any help (tips, reblogs etc) in getting by until I land a job is extremely appreciated!

Venmo: @Grubcore

Ko-fi: grubcore (you can look through some of my art on here!)

[spirit-shroud]

v long vent post under the cut, some advice would be really nice right now

my mom is a narcissistic, soul-sucking, god awful person with no sense of humanity, only money. she has a very rich(!!) boyfriend right now who lives in north carolina and has a very big house and is very nice, allegedly, and upon visiting his gigantic house and learning just how much money he makes, she decided her best next step was to straight up fake a house foreclosure, and casually tell me we're going to sell everything we own and pack up and move to north carolina with him in another three months. she also cancelled our health insurance so I can't continue my hormone replacement therapy or even get regular therapy, which i've desperately needed now for the past three years more than ever.

i told my sister and brother in law about this and they agreed to let me stay there, they said they'd try to get me on their insurance and i wouldnt have to worry about things like rent/getting a job or anything until i felt ready. that was the plan. i'd be able to move in with them in early june, and i'd be able to start getting back on my feet. i planned on getting my GED, getting a big headstart on my game, and going to school in NY to get a business/marketing degree (though i've also been very interested in becoming a robotics engineer as well for a few reasons). but of course, some issues came up

first off, my mother magically doesn't have the money to let me be able to visit them later in april, which is when we would've finalized moving plans anyways. which, seeing how everything else has been going, i'm going to chalk up to being a lie, and another means of keeping me trapped with her.

second off, my biological father is dying, apparently -- nobody will tell me any specifics on how or why. i don't know how much time he has left or what he even has. my sister wanted me to go visit him with her except here's the thing. i dont know my dad at all. i see him two days or less per YEAR. he has never once called me, nor texted me though he has my number. he doesn't contact me ever through skype/discord/social media even though he has access to all of those things. he doesn't send christmas cards or come visit or anything. he's a stranger to me. even when i send the first message its rare i get anything back.  he has all the tools to try and come into my life and be a father -- and i’d love him to! he’s been invited at several points! -  except he has never once tried. however, he'll talk to my sister all the time. i've been told they're on the phone lots and while i'm very glad that SHE gets to see him, i don't have that. i don't want to start that if he won’t. i told her i didn't want to pay him a visit now that he doesn't have much time left because he's a stranger, and i really don't think she understood what that meant because she's on the opposite end of the spectrum. he's her father, but not mine. and after our last talk about it, i'm so afraid to try and talk to her again. she's probably in a lot of pain over the whole thing and i just feel nothing towards him. hes a stranger!! he's not my dad and honestly what's been making me feel much worse about it all has been everyone like 'well he's your dad you SHOULD be caring' but i just dont! i can’t even FAKE any feelings for the guy. if he WANTED TO TRY HE WOULD'VE BUT HE DIDN'T. its like i just don't exist to anyone.

which leads me to another point of problems too that i've been really heavily realizing lately. everyone knows about my sister. she graduated college with like a 3.9 average or something and a fancy degree in biology and she has a stable job at a really cool lab doing what she loves. she's getting married soon. she's the only one my mom ever talks about to people. my sister. she's successful and my mom is so proud of her. most people don't even know she has a second child because im a dropout and im disabled and im trans and i'm too distant and unloveable and don't care enough about myself or others. people confuse me with my sister and when i introduce myself, they look confused. they've never heard of me. my mom only has one child. i'll never stand up to her. i'll never have that same light that she has because i'll never be able to follow my dreams. my mom tells me so often i'll never be her because im lazy and bad and stupid and all im ever good at doing is putting things off. and she words it like that, too. you'll never be like her. you'll never be successful. you're just going to live at home forever with me and you'll never get better. its a mantra. a haunting, crippling mantra. i'll never be her because she was just better, and able to run away to college at 18 and dropped all contact with us for years. she's better because she escaped. she's better because she's not me. i've surpassed living in her shadow. we're not even family. i'm a different species compared to her and that's all i'll ever be. what can i say except i'm jealous and i'm angry and so so worried about getting invested into anything?

and i'm just so afraid of finally moving, and saying one wrong thing, or slipping back into my old dumb habits, my old disorders, lazy streaks, my dumb breakdowns and finding myself out on the streets when my health is already so sketchy, or having to live in some strange house with some strange guy and that woman, the bitch who drove me to hate myself. both aren't good options. both aren't reasonable. there isn't a good choice and i know its my fault that it has to be like this because i let her get to me along the way, its my fault i believe my mother every time she screams at me i'm not good enough and that i'm the reason she's hurting too much to work or clean or do anything. its my fault i've been having panic attacks daily. its my fault im jealous and don't have any family. im worthless and useless and lazy and horrible and nothing i ever do will matter because nobody wants me. ive been getting hesitant on following my own dreams of writing or making a game or letting other people in on the things i want because i know i'll just fail. she was right. she's been right all along.

and even at the time in my life where i could get away from her, she's managed to block the path. i dont even want to live right now. honest to god the thought's been crossing my mind constantly. i don't know what to do anymore. im stuck here. there's nothing i can do. she won. that's all there is to it. she won.

[gorey]

My name is Asher.

I am a trans, bipolar, primarily self-taught musician. I'm a soon-to-be highschool dropout and as of the moment I am unable to work. Also, today (4/07/17) is my seventeenth birthday!

Last summer, I attended the Berklee College of Music five-week summer program, studying jazz piano. Unfortunately due to a combination of bad mental health, vision problems, and living off-campus for the duration of the program, I didn't have the most productive time.

This year my health in all respects is much better and I plan to attend as a vocalist and stay in the dorms. However, I need help with money; my mother is on permanent disability leave from her work and my dad is retired, has dementia, and is living in assisted living. We live day to day but there's no way we'll be able to pay for the program entirely out of pocket.

I haven't been in traditional schooling since 2014, and at the end of this year in an alternative school I'm dropping out.

I can't get a job til after the summer, and because of mental health and the fatigue I experience from it + my many medications, I'm still unsure if I'll be able to hold one at all. Music is my only real career path and returning to Berklee would be a huge advantage.

Any amount counts.

I'm aiming to raise $2,000 by the end of April. The program starts July 8th, 2017.

Thank you for your support. If you can't donate, please take a moment to share this link. It means the world to me.