#dirgetharaposting

[majorasnightmare]

honestly fuck it dirge transgender post

Good Luck, Babe!

content warning for brief mentions of coerced sex acts

loosely covers misogyny and patriarchal standards in the cult of bhaal and its effects on orin, minthara and her relationship with menzoberranzans gender culture, with regards to how both of those affect how my personal dark urge, dirge, conceptualizes his own gender identity

dirge being bigender SPECIFICALLY isnt something that really comes UP all that much during the plot of bg3 and the interactions he has during that plot, but its not because it isnt a major defining of his self concept, but the opposite

its SO overwhelming crucial and foundational that he CANT meaningfully sit down with those feelings until after everything is so thoroughly handled and No Longer A Problem that he cant actually ignore it for "more important" issues, which means that he doesnt think about it or discuss it at all to anyone at anypoint during his travels because Thats Where The Dysphoria Demons Live and who has time for that. we have brain worms to deal with

dirges primary exposure to Gender as a concept is through the cult of bhaal, and its an underlying foundational understanding of his self perception that carries well past his tadpoling into current circumstances. the cult of bhaal itself has a twofold gendered culture (imo, headcanons incoming) and dirge internalizes both aspects

firstly theres The Cult as a religious institution that seeks to evangelize and indoctrinate new members and enact its broader political goals upon society. this Cult is fairly eglatarian, with no meaningful distinction between assassins who are men and assassins who are not. bhaal is venerated as the principal deity but worship is conducted primarily through acts of violence, which themselves are not gendered and instead rewarded based on meritocracy. all thats explictly valued is your ability to kill, which is a matter of skill and training (and sometimes race as doppelgangers are preferred assassins because of their shapeshifting)

then theres The Cult as abusive familial institution. this Cult is deeply patriarchal and misogynist, foregoing blatant sexism in favor of gendered favoritism and role enforcement. whats valued is closeness to the Image of Bhaal, the concept of what Bhaal is and who he is and how he presents, with perceived distance from this image of Bhaal being punished and discouraged. Sarevok is the main enforcer here, with Scleritas and Bhaal mostly working as support, never explicitly contradicting Sarevok even if they dont profess the same set of values. Orins self esteem issues arise primarily from the cheated feeling she has by being set up for a prized leadership role only to feel it snatched away by her bloodkin. Sarevok reveals that was never the plan at all and Orin was meant to be a sacrifical lamb for his own attempt at currying favor

Implicitly, femininity is derided here. Orin was never meant to succeed, both her and her mother as living tokens to be exchanged by their father for Bhaals favor. the dark urge is hailed as bhaals scion and closest of his kin, which sarevok and sceleritas also both remarking that part of the Urge's duties is the siring of spawn. Bhaal notably sired scores of progeny, and the Urge is expected to carry on that tradition, being referred to as a stallion which itself is a masculine term. Orin is set up to fail by being a woman, thus distancing her from the male Bhaal, and then her attempts at bridging the gap are insufficient because they involve too much of her personality (her art and unique interpretations of doctrine) which itself is derided in demeaning feminine terms (iirc "corpse dollies" is thrown around) and on top of it all, Orin can only carry one pregnancy at a time, making her a poorer vessel of bhaal in every measure sarevok cares about, even though she EXCELS at all the aspects the laymans cult values.

dirge internalizes ALL of this and expresses that particular brand of dysphoria im sure a lot of us trans folk are familiar with: "i dont think theres anything wrong with it but the idea of it for ME feels HORRIBLE". if dirge values orins shapeshifting skills, its because of how useful they are for the purpose hes born into. if dirge feels uncomfortable with his appearance and physical traits, its either because he yearns to return to Bhaals Perfect Form or because hes internalized some new thoughtcrime from Trying To Be A Person and thus must be punished for it. being a woman is fine, objectively, because women enter the cult all the time, but HE cant be a woman because that would be an unforgivable sin. He has to sire scores of spawn (nevermind if the idea of it makes him feel sick), he has to embody the will of Bhaal upon this earth, he has to ensure he never strays too far from his innate nature as a fragment of his Father! So he simply cant be a woman, because itd be bad for him specifically, and he definitely doesnt desire to be a woman or feel desire over his sisters innate skillset that allows her to shift and change as she chooses, in turn having access to more individuality than he will EVER be allowed to have even though he has a set face and she has an everchanging mask, and there isnt really anything WORTH desiring about being a woman anyways because itd all just make his life harder and he already struggles so much living up to the destiny he was born to achieve, so why would he ever make it harder? and it takes getting stabbed in the head to even PARTLY remove some of that entire mess

so post tadpoling, hes left with mostly all the negative aspects of growing up in the cult of bhaal but without any of the thought processes that justify them, so hes left feeling vaaaguely uncomfortable? with no clear reason but a Hot Brain Stove he flinches away from touching, and thats probably normal for someone in his situation so there isnt really any reason to dwell on it! it rears its head any time he tries to have sex though, and as its something he partakes in fairly often he does have to try to deal with THAT head on the misogyny hydra, the head in question being that he is deeply deeply uncomfortable trying to top in bed. His role as bhaals scion and urging from sarevok and sceleritas coerced him into sex acts with consenting cultists he REALLY did not want to participate in, for a purpose he VERY much did not want to fulfill, and thus topping is, for dirge, intrinsically tied to the idea of Trying To Impregnante Someone which itself is tied to his loss of autonomy. those reasons arent immediately known the first time he tries to be intimate, just a very strong discomfort that immediately makes itself known and which continues to do so with every intimate act he tries to participate in.

it isnt that dirge dislikes Being A Man, its more that masculinity is so wound around Being The Dark Urge that its less about masculinity and more about autonomy. he cant be a woman until hes allowed to Be Himself and THAT cant be handled until he manages to extricate himself from the cycle of abuse hes caught in with the temple. post temple confrontation, aside from the exacerbated mental illness symptoms he experiences, his own Concept of Self DOES manage to begin recovering, grief stricken as it is, and his masculine presentation doesnt change insofar as his behavior surrounding it does, loosening up on exploring his own particular preferences and being more experimental in the bedroom. masculinity itself is a kind of neutral safe ground dirge tenously pushes towards gender non conformance, and in that regard his relationship with minthara is VERY beneficial

minthara also has an incredibly Gendered upbringing but minthara carries most of her backgrounds positive and empowering aspects into her presentation as a woman. for minthara, femininity isnt just something ascribed to her but something she actively chooses to engage in and with because she enjoys doing so and finds its compelling and satisfying. this is vastly different from dirges understanding of femininity, which is something thats either not worth discussing because of how little it affects you or something that actively demeans and lessens you. thatd hed be drawn and attracted to that kind of powerful intentional presentation isnt really surprising

minthara isnt just an example for dirge of how the limits imposed on femininity are socially constructed rather than innate, she specifically is a vision of femininity he wants to partake in. most of the personality traits they find agreeable and desirable in each other are specifically considered feminine in menzoberranzan. that hes bloodthirsty, ruthless, ambitious and pragmatic are not just neutral traits but explicitly feminine gendered ones within the culture minthara openly admires and yearns for. minthara deliberately encourages the parts of him she both considers to be his strong points and also associates with women. similarly minthara is a kind of woman the family of Bhaal has no place for (and is part of why he rejects Bhaal at the end of it all) and one that Dirge hasnt gotten to experience, and its a kind of womanhood dirge badly wants for himself, the kind of woman he can actually see himself being similar to without being demeaned or lessened for it. its a gendered experience he actively craves rather than passively enjoys, and he cant actually reach for it until hes comfortable with the idea of Deliberately Having An Identity in the first place, which he then works backwards from to Purposefully Present As A Man afterwards

like many dysphoric people dirge doesnt actually engage with gender until he can do so fully and safely, and he starts with what FEELS the most transgressive and empowering, and from that position of strength works backwards to recontextualize his experience with masculinity as something equally purposeful and empowering, and its something he can only do without the threat of the absolute constraining his actions, and while comfortably within a relationship with minthara specifically, and also with the context of being forced by circumstance to really truly examine who orin was to him and what she meant to him and why. that it also involves partaking of the power proferred by his patron, which for dirge has always been a symbol of his independence and autonomy, is really just the cherry on top. its like a threefold benefit, where trying to discover your own self identity necessarily entails unpacking and dismantling the misogynistic standards you were raised into that make up the primary mental block your struggling with, and the process of doing so makes your sex life more comfortable, strengthens your relationship with the woman you consider your soul mate, and makes Identifying As A Person something you ACTIVELY enjoy rather than passively engage in out of necessity.

this is a really long stream of consciousness ramble that im not entirely certain how to end but yeah 👍 Dirge Transgender Real

[majorasnightmare]

obligatory horny post but dirge going into a killing frenzy and forgoing his spellcasting to just start digging his hands into stomach cavities and ripping out throats with his teeth

tearing through enemy after enemy and the party scrambling behind him because they need one of them alive to interrogate but hes too lost in the sauce to stop himself

until he gets to the last one and pins them down and goes to break their spine with his teeth and in pure desperation minthara shouts out "HEEL!!"

and he just slowly turns to face her, face covered in gore, some poor sod held in his jaws like they dont weigh anything, eyes blazing with maddened murderous frenzy

and after a moment of wordless eye contact with minthara, he drops them

[majorasnightmare]

ur honor i LOVE THEM

[majorasnightmare]

Hi again i got second hand dirgepilled and started thinking about how Minthara’s enslavement was a result of Dirge's actions and i wanna know how you think they handled that individually and as a couple 🎤

his IMPACT!! i made dinner while responding to this LMAO

i love taking minthara to the gortash coronation for EXACTLY this because dirge gets 20x hotter in minthys opinion and meanwhile dirge wants to crawl into a hole and die, we love to see it

on mintharas end, for why she views it so positively, i think its a combination of ruthless politics and personal self loathing. she blames herself for her own enslavement and tells dirge as much when he asks. she admires the brutal efficiency of the absolute plot because at her core, shes a schemer. minthara can see the absolute plot the way bhaalist!dirge saw it: a near unstoppable train of inertia leading to the end of the world, and its setup and execution is admirable in its thoroughness. bhaalist!dirge was a deeply unwell but viciously competent individual and the Absolute was the culmination of all the traits that made him dangerous and desirable in equal measure. To capture and harness so much power so perfectly, such that the only way it could ever topple was to be destabilized from within, is something Minthara would admire, because I doubt theres ever been a plot so thoroughly insulated from outside actors in Menzoberranzan. Minthara isnt capable of laying blame for her enslavement at Dirge's feet, because that would require she stop blaming herself first, and that opinion is so iron clad and engrained its even stopped producing an emotional reaction: her failure is blunt and matter of fact, devoid of detectable guilt or indignation. She tells this to you with the same cadence one would remark upon the weather. She was arrogant and proud, and she brought it on herself, same as the sun rises.

Dirge meanwhile stumbles back into his old habit of Catholic Guilt, except instead of feeling like a failure for not properly adhering to the tenants of his religion, he feels like a failure for violating the tenets of his NEW religion, caring about these 8 people. Not only can he not properly shield Minthara from something he feels is HIS problem (as he no longer actively seeks help for the Urges and by extension freeing himself from Bhaal), he is also directly immediately responsible for putting them irrevocably in danger. There is a tadpole chewing through their brains and its his fault. They might have their minds twisted and stolen from them by the Absolute and its his fault. Orin captured and tortured Minthara until she broke under her lash and was forced to worship her torturer and its his fault. He routinely holds himself to a higher standard than anyone else, and habitually excuses and forgives the mistakes and aggravations of his companions, and both of those come out in spades here. Because not only is it NOT Minthara's fault, it isnt even ORIN'S fault. Its HIS fault. He promised Minthara to guard her and never abandon her if she would take on the burden of leashing him in the right direction, and he failed even before they ever properly met. It reinforces his growing belief that the person he is NOW matters less than the person he used to be, because now hes a contemptable weakling unable to meaningfully protect the things he cares about because the holes in his brain trip him up before he even leaves the starting gate. He didnt use to be like this. He used to be stronger, more capable. He nearly killed the world. THAT person would have been strong enough, KNOW enough, that he would have been able to see in Minthara what he sees now and spare her from the torments that were not, and COULD not, be her fault. He couldve leveraged his influence to properly ally with her, WITHOUT the tadpoles, on even terms, on even grounds, where he didnt have red mist in his mind where his past should be, the ability to be open and explicit when now there are questions he doesnt even know how to answer because try as he might to get the people he loves some kind of closure, the ghost hes chasing always vanishes when he gets close. Nevermind that that person wouldnt have WANTED to protect Minthara, at the very least he could have spared her the dishonor of torture and just killed her at the table with her comrades. The knowledge of it haunts him with no clear way to escape

Relationship wise, this discrepancy REALLY puts a strain on things. Minthara has a heightened respect and admiration for her lover, who hates and loathes himself for a perceived lack of ability and responsibility for inflicted harm. Dirge closes himself off almost completely, and only Astarion and Minthara are paying close enough attention to notice. By this point, Minthara is intimately familiar with the corridors and channels of Dirge's mind, but what once was an open house becomes a series of closed doors, and shes insightful enough to know exactly what the fuck is going on. Dirge is always hesitant and cautious when opening up about the Urge, and all of those doors have the exact same fingerprints on them. Minthara wasnt present when Dirge initially closed himself off back in Act 1, so this turn of behavior cant hide behind normalization the way it does with everyone else, and Minthara incorrectly assumes its solely about the threat Orin poses, because Orin occupies an inflated position of danger for Minthara that she doesnt for Dirge. She WANTS to pry those doors open, and doesnt get why she doesnt seem to have the right key, when shes had it every other time? And its because its a guilt she cant actually ascribe to Dirge, so her understanding isnt capable of drawing out his vulnerability like before. In Minthara's mind, Dirge's reluctance is about his perceived weakness and ability to master the power Bhaal offers him, his hesitation is in facing a Bhaalspawn who had bested him once before who has had this entire time to enjoy the power hes going to take from her, and POSSIBLY a sentimental reluctance to killing his sister. So its confusing how reasserting his ability to conquer and maim, referring to his strength of will in dominating the Absolute, and reassurances that they will best Orin together isnt fixing the issue? Hes never been this badly shaken about anything before, and nerves this close to the climax are understandable, but whats perplexing is their persistence. Surely Orin isnt half as intimidating as facing down the Avatar of Myrkul?

Its a terror Dirge struggles to verbalize, and its really a "you either Get It or you Don't" kind of deal. Astarion is the only one who gets the full picture because he IMMEDIATELY clocks that Dirge was a Lethal Bhaalist the same way HES a Powerful Vampire. All that strength didnt do a damned thing for the masters that held the leash, and it recontextualizes every previous bout of anxiety Dirge had in his presence, to be less "Im a Powerful Predator and it Frightens Me" to the equivalent of "Cazador might make me kill someone I brought home again". And thats an experience Minthara can and SHOULD be able to grok, except she hasn't gotten to the point where she can view her experiences as comparable to others because shes so locked in to her perception of herself as someone who Failed, and her opinion of Dirge is so high that comparing the two FEELS like an insult to her lover.

The reality is that Dirge is a different person now than the one who enacted the Absolute plot. The person he is now is no more responsible for Minthara's torture than Minthara is for the actions she took under mindcontrol. There are traits there, still present, that came to the fore during those times, and those are still worthy of critique and responsibility, but at the end of the day, while both of them retain the capacity to BE those people, they simply are Not those people anymore. Dirge wants to make amends, to atone for a guilt and trauma he feels he can never fix, but all thats necessary is what he already plans on doing: making sure he lives up to his promise of keeping Minthara safe by ensuring Bhaal doesnt get to use him as a vessel to objectify her and trap her in the same cycle of abuse hes perpetuated in his family for years now. Minthara needs what shes always needed: consistent safety and trust, with the freedom to be vulnerable, and the support of someone whos invested in standing beside her, not in front of her. By the time Mintharas capable of forgiving herself for her own trauma, I dont think she would blame Dirge for it even then, but his decision to choose her over his own life at the Temple would lose some of its sting. The person ACTUALLY responsible for her torture is the person Dirge would rather die than have power over her again

[majorasnightmare]

I’m gonna neeeedddd uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh a number 2, a number 9, a number 22, with a side order of 25

*dirge customer service voice* will that be all for you today? :) your total is going to be 42.96

2. What would break your OC beyond repair? Has it happened?

any mindbreak slash ego death scenario, which most of the Embrace endings qualify for. giving up all possibility of ever breaking free from Bhaal and having his personality subsumed into the Urge would ruin him. Anything resembling the person who formerly went by "Dirge" would get passed through the Urge funhouse mirror to come out distorted on the other end as his old bhaalist mindset snaps back into place, this time more permanently, and without the dissomance he used to experience. No suffering, no doubt, no Dirge, just Murder Incarnate. The "lose to Orin" endings would also thoroughly break him, because he wouldn't kill himself on the promise that he wouldn't abandon Minthara, in the vain hope something could be done to save him from the affliction. In that go around he'd end up locked in her basement eating her political enemies that she disposes of down there to keep the Urge satiated enough to stop a serious attempt at breaking out. If they ever managed to pull Bhaal's essence out of him after that, he'd be a shell of a person, more or less permanently housebound because of how much of his soul he just had ripped out, and that coupled with a less than healthy lifestyle of Exclusively Cannibalism would exacerbate his disabilities. In that hypothetical specifically, he wouldn't get better (and WOULD eventually die of a shortened mortal lifespan), but it'd be a life he was happy to live, however short and difficult it was, with Minthara. especially since it comes on the heels of a living unlife of madness and incoherence.

Some other AU hypotheticals come CLOSE, like one where the absolute pulls out a final Ace up her sleeve and snags Dirge out of prism range, but he WOULD technically get better. after a while. and after a LOT of damage was done

The only thing that could possibly meet the definition of "pre existing Break Beyond Repair" would be Orin's lobotomy resulting in Dirge's amnesia and soft personality reset, which more or less symbolically killed the person dirge used to be beyond any possibility of resurrection. and honestly, bhaalist!dirge was more than happy to go.

9. What is the greatest sacrifice your OC could ever make? Under what circumstance would they make it?

Dirge is a deeply selfish person, and simultaneously incredibly pragmatic. He regularly trades his flesh as tokens for prizes he deems more worthy, letting Volo jab his eye out because his patron alerts him to the presence of the prosthetic one that Volo would be unlikely to trade away on a whim except out of guilt. Not only does he avoid martyrdom as a rule, he also makes a point of making OTHERS avoid martyrdom, partially because he thinks living is worth it, but not insignificantly because HE wants them around. He is, generally, opposed to sacrifice on what amounts to the closest thing to moral grounds a bhaalspawn like him CAN have. He never picks fights he thinks he can lose, he never gives up what he finds value in keeping, anything he surrenders he makes sure he gets back in equal or greater value, because this dudes just straight up a bargain hunting deal making pact negotiating warlock, through and through. a GOOD warlock, a skilled one, does not sacrifice, as a rule. that wyll is prone to sacrificing himself and also so miserable in his pact is no coincidence in dirges mind

With all that being said. He'd do it for Minthara. He doesnt WANT to, mind you, because what he WANTS is to spend the rest of their lives together (ideally forever once he finds a way to get immortality where the consequences are worth it), but he'll give up anything, everything, for her wellbeing if push comes to shove. When the Sword of Damocles falls and hes there in the temple holding Orin's corpse, when Bhaal comes to him and demands he take up the mantle of chosen again or he'll kill Dirge, when Minthara is begging him to agree and theyll find a way out afterwards together, Dirge knows that letting Bhaal have such a strong presence in his soul, to take on the form of Slayer, to claim the Absolute in Bhaal's name, would be to reduce Minthara to nothing better than an agreeable broodmare in Bhaal's eyes, that Dirge would be driven to sire spawn regardless if he wants to or not, that those spawn would in turn be driven to killing their mother, and that even if he resisted, the only other option would be to kill her, to deprive her of her dream of ruling side by side. It would be another link in the long chain of abuse, set in motion long ago by a man who wanted to become divine, no matter what it cost him, and the idea of subjecting Minthara to hypothetical years of debasement, servitude, abuse, and suffering repulses Dirge to his very core. in that moment he weighs his death and the suffering itd cause against that far flung future, and the choice is overwhelmingly clear. Its that moment that makes him realize more than anything else that he WANTS to live, and thats why he has to choose to die, sacrifice everything he wanted with her, sacrifice everything he wanted FOR her, sacrifice every last second he was going to spend at her side, because her life is worth more to him than that. even as he bleeds out he never doubts for a single moment that theyre going to face the Absolute and come out victorious. and even as he hates the position hes in, hed make the same choice there, every single time

22. What is your OC the most guilty about?

Not being more involved in Orin's life. Being the first domino that resulted in Minthara's torture at Moonrise. Killing his parents. Killing Alfira. Constrained by circumstance, swept up by the inertia of passing time, things spiral away from his control and he cant stop it or fix it. Couldn't manage to break out of his role enough to keep from swallowing Orin in his shadow, didn't know Minthara yet and thus couldn't love her enough to spare her before she ever left the Underdark, trapped and feral and useless screaming madly on Kressa's work table while in the same prison Orin forces a tadpole into Minthara, waking up in the dead of night with no awareness or control covered in the gore of someone he couldn't stop himself from killing.

Living through all of it when the people who gave him the second life he lives (that he didn't earn, that he doesn't deserve) both end up crushed under his boot.

25. What does your OC love most, and what would they do to keep it?

Dirge, ironically enough for a death cult nihilist, is a real loverboy. Beneath every horror and every atrocity and every sacrilege and blasphemy, is love. He loved Bhaal as his Father, and wanted to be a good dutiful son. He loved Orin, and wanted to keep her from being broken by expectation. He loved Gortash, enough that it started to untwist the suicidal desire for slaughter that he had carried for most of his life, loved him enough to think about wanting to live. He loves his friends, Astarion and Gale and Lae'zel and Wyll and Shadowheart and Karlach, loves Jaheira and Minsc, loves Isobel and Aylin. He loves Minthara, loved her at first sight, loves her just as an intrinsic facet of his soul. When Dirge loves, it is deep and sincere and genuine and thorough, the scales of his affection balanced against the vast disdain and apathy for the world by the sheer world-cracking love he feels for this small handful of people. Power and wealth and material goods can be obtained as often as needed, but these people? It is only here, and it is only now.

To keep them? To have them and to hold them and to be around them? He would do anything. But honestly whats more insightful is what he doesn't do. Killing is cheap for Dirge. The inflicting of pain, the enactment of atrocities, plumbing new depths of suffering. Rote and habitual. That he would storm all nine Hells and spear Zariel's head on a pike is a given. No, what matters is that to keep those he loves, he will stay his hand.

He doesn't kill Ulder Ravenguard. Wyll wants his father to live, so it doesn't matter to Dirge that he hates the man for his treatment of Wyll, hates that all the affection and tenderness didn't spare Wyll from seven years of exile, hates that even now he doesn't feel Ulder gives Wyll his due. For this he'd happily flay the man alive until the screams rang out a perfect melody in his ears. But Wyll wants Ulder alive. Wants his father back, wants to have him and to talk to him. So Dirge stays his hand, goes out of his way to break Wyll's pact but rescue Ulder anyways. Wyll asks for so little, that Dirge will always give him what he wants.

He doesn't tell Jaheira to keep the ritual that would allow her to extend her life, to live and guide and fight as long as shes needed. Jaheira has lovers, family, friends, all dearly missed, and more than that she is running herself ragged fighting the good fight. It doesn't matter if Dirge thinks the Harpers are fools, if Dirge personally wants Jaheira to live so he can stay with her, what matters is Jaheira needs to rest. Needs to see the people she's left behind, needs to see Khalid again one day. Regardless of what he wants, Dirge wouldn't put her through that

To keep what he loves, Dirge will force himself to stillness for their sakes

[majorasnightmare]

📢 HEEEIIIIIIIGHT DIFFERENCEEEEEEEE 📢 💯🔥💯🔥

[majorasnightmare]

also dirge cracking his egg and then treating minthara to the view of her partner wearing nothing but a bra she stole from her (cuz she haaaates clothes shopping) crouched down overtop the still twitching body of a failed assassin that dirge mauled to death, too startled from being jolted out of sleep to fire off a spell so she had to use her claws and teeth, so shes just there, in mintharas lingerie, painted in gore, highlighted by the faint rays of moonlight shining through the window, even now an ever loyal attack hound as her tongue darts out between scarred lips to swipe a taste of the red splattering her face

like alright well if your gonna do all THAT then you might as well get back in bed since we arent going back to sleep anytime soon, not with you looking like THAT and being all worked up to boot