#directrix

[sourplumjinx]

Cunty Directrix c0mm for @rcxdirectrix 💛💥

I love this sm u have no idea omg

BONUS NSFW SKETCH BELOW OWOW

YEEEEEE💥💥💥💥💥💥💥

[sgrplmjnxxx]

Happy birthday @rcxdirectrix ✨🍰🎈

I painted Directrix for youu~

[rcxdirectrix]

DATA HARVESTERS

-------------------------------

my piece for the @transformers-electric-metal zine

Download Here

-----------------------------

Meet two of my ocs: Directrix (which I also use as a sona) and Vinculum. They're both space stations and data gatherers of specific data in their own fields.

I guess Directrix scrapes anything and everything about the cybertronian population. He has access to both the mass surveillance system and the Autobot database. He helps Prowl identify threats (person or event) to the current status quo.

While Vinculum is more specific to the world of politics and economics. (His owner is a politician) so he collects anything that is of interest with his owner (dirty secrets, any black mail material from both enemies and friends, trade secrets, etc), and also aids him in other equally shady things (money laundering, fraud, market manipulation, etc)

My ref sheets, and a little overview of them:

[math-journal2]

<— x —>

<— Unit 27 — Unit 28: Parabola — Unit 29 —>

Unit 28: Parabola

Part 1 —>

Terminology

Significance of “p”

Page 77

[peeterjoot]

New video: Elliptical motion from Newton's law of gravitation.

[Click here for a PDF version of this post]   We found previously that \begin{equation}\label{eqn:solarellipse:20} \mathbf{\hat{r}}’ = \inv{r} \mathbf{\hat{r}} \lr{ \mathbf{\hat{r}} \wedge \Bx’ }. \end{equation} Somewhat remarkably, we can use this identity to demonstrate that orbits governed gravitational force are elliptical (or parabolic, or hyperbolic.) This ends up being possible because…

[rcxdirectrix]

I was kinda late lmfao but I made it in time just enough to sneak in a doodle or two xD. Never posted my TF oc/Sona in tumblr before but here's what's they look like 👇.

(also included a friend'a s TF oc, the blue jet on the lower left)

Aaaand here are the results of the aggie collab! It was a lot of fun talking and drawing with people and seeing the stuff they made! 😊 Thank you to everyone who participated, this was great and I'll probably do it again sometime in the future. (I won't be @ ing everyone because there are so many)

Probably obvious but just in case: this is one big canvas with a bunch of drawings so feel free to make individual close up posts with what you drew ^^ thanks everyone!!!

[t4tails]

somebody yell at me to do my assignments or im gonna fail all my classes teehee ^w^ ~~

[unravelingwires]

Conoidical

Lilith 100% takes bites out of ice cream. Laurena’s the one most horrified by this, but she’s too dignified to say anything.

[directr1x]

guitarist just called arca 'the four letter name person'

[madamspellmans-met-tet]

Directrix Spellman will always hit different 🫠

… which reminds me I need to write the next chapter of hot chocolate. People are starved for their fav dom!natrix 👀

Zelda Spellman, Chilling Adventures of Sabrina | Chapter 𝟚𝟛 : Heavy Is the Crown

[sgrplmjnxxx]

Art trade with @rcxdirectrix Their OC Directrix being emotional ,,,,

[rcxdirectrix]

I'm posting my second TFOC first rather than my first/sona LMAO.

-------------------

VINCULUM - Decepticon Space Station

---------------------------------------

Vinculum was forged simultaneously with Directrix. They were close friends before they were separated.

While Directrix was acquired by the current government, Vinculum was bought by a powerful and influential politician (name pending). He served as his personal space station.

I had a headcanon where larger mechs whose function involves housing other mechs (i.e. ships, titans, space stations, shuttles, etc) have innate abilities unique to them that aid them in their function. But just for this post i will mention the ability to psychically communicate with their inhabitants since it's important to mention for him. This ability was modified and enhanced by said politician's scientists to enable Vinculum to be able to read surface thoughts.

This was used to spy on political rivals and friends alike and collect their dirty secrets whenever they are invited on board the space station for parties or campaigns.

Vinculum can also plug into their victim with a cable for a deeper probe on memories if needed. The victim usually does not recall the incident as it is erased before they leave.

He is also used for other equally nefarious purposes, such as scamming, fraud, laundering, trade and stock market manipulation often for the benefit of his owner.

His ownership was forcibly transferred to the Decepticons when the war started and he continued his work there.

[madamspellmans-met-tet]

F I C A R C H I V E

My Art

if you’d like to join me on my journey of trying my luck with publishing, have a look at @madampayne 💕

Currently Active

☕️ Hot Chocolate

(Zelda Spellman x Larissa Weems)

Unbearable loneliness has been plaguing Larissa for years. One drunken night, she decides to put an end to it by contacting a local dominatrix.

E

73,040 words

👑 Camyla, the Petulant

(Rhaenys Targaryen x Reader)

All Camyla wants to do is run, all Rhaenys wants is for someone to stay.

When Corlys leaves Rhaenys on her own to grieve the loss of their children, an old friend of her husband requests her help dealing with his misbehaved daughter Camyla. Rhaenys agrees to take her under her wing, but the young woman is hell-bent on driving her mad.

E

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11

Finished/Upcoming

Adrienne Beaufort

🌅 Sun & Ocean Blue

(Adrienne x Reader)

When Adrienne comes to get Amy out of Greenhaven, she lays eyes on a troubled young woman in need of guidance. Perhaps Adrienne will take in another rescue kitten…

Essentially this is my The Bell Jar

E

105,448 words (completed)

Farah Dowling

Haunt me, then

Farah x Rosalind but as a character/relationship study

The story of how Rosalind was put into stasis.

M

801 words

👻 baby, you’re just harder to see than most

(ghost!Farah x Reader)

Farah’s partner can’t come to terms with her death, and so, every night, she dances with her ghost.

E

2,026 words

🌬️ Grow Wings

While Farah is away on a field trip, Aster hits rock bottom. But after what happened last time, she doesn’t want to tell Farah—even when she finally returns. Good luck tricking a mind fairy…

M

21,631 words (completed)

🩸 Black Dahlia

(adoptive mum!Farah & Reader)

Miss Dowling discovers Dahlia’s self harm.

M

18,510 words (completed)

🎀 Sugar & Sweetness

(upcoming sugarmommy!Farah x Reader)

E

🧁 Common Burn

(upcoming Farah x Reader cottagecore AU)

Rhaenys Targaryen

👑 Camyla, the Petulant

(brat-tamer!Rhaenys x Reader)

All Camyla wants to do is run, all Rhaenys wants is for someone to stay.

When Corlys leaves Rhaenys on her own for years, to grieve the loss of their children all by herself, an old friend of her husband requests her help dealing with his misbehaved daughter Camyla. Rhaenys agrees to take her under her wing, but the young woman is hell-bent on driving her mad.

E

🎭 Gentle into the Night

(Corlys x Rhaenys)

Rhaenys survives Rook's Rest, Meleys does not.

M

1,631 words

Morissa

🌂 This Is What Makes Us Girls (prequel)

(Morticia Addams x Larissa Weems)

It’s Larissa’s 18th birthday, but she doesn’t get what she wants.

M

15,256 words

❄️ Roommates

(Morticia Addams x Larissa Weems)

When the Addams Family attends Larissa Weems' funeral, Morticia is confronted with the truth about the relationship she used to have with the woman.

M

49,965 words (completed)

🥶 Barren Cold (sequel)

(upcoming)

💨 Invisible (on hold)

On the night of their graduation, Morticia is forced to see that she can't have it all - Or can she?

E

14,520 words

🏰 Gwyneth of Rivia

“My name is Gwyneth of Rivia.” She gestured towards the cadaver. “And this is the beast I’ve slaughtered for you.”

E

3,686 words

Madam Spellman

🚢 Ship of Dreams

(Titanic AU)

Every year for the past decades, Lady Morningstar and Lady Blackwood have been meeting aboard an Ocean Liner. This year, it is the RMS Titanic, travelling from Southampton to New York.

E

26,174 words (completed)

🌆 Kiss Me Hard Before You Go

(Las Vegas AU)

“There’s no use in talking to people who have a home. They have no idea what it’s like to seek safety in other people. For home to be wherever you lie your head.”

M

14,420 words

(somewhat completed, but more could come)

🎤 It’s gonna take a Queen of Hell to sweep me off my feet

Lilith can't believe her eyes (and ears) when she returns to the Mortuary after a fight with Zelda.

T

1,096 words

💜 I plant violets every time someone leaves me

(Zelda x Reader)

Clara is about to end her life when Directrix Spellman steps in.

E

4,519 words

🔨 Kiss with a Shovel

One would assume that after all the times she’d killed and buried her sister, she’d have it down and she did, but the transportation aspect of it frequently proved to be rather arduous.

M

1,914 words

🎁 Pandora’s Box

Zelda Spellman has been begging Hecate to bring Sabrina back for months, but maybe she’s been praying to the wrong goddess all along?

E

50,042 words (completed)

🏷️ Whatever the Price

Sabrina has just come back from the dead, together with her boyfriend Nick, and now she wants to get married! But as it turns out, Aunt Zelda isn't the only one standing in the way...

E

91,097 words (completed)

😈 Cherubic Little Devil

About one year after the arrival of their grandson Magnus, Zelda and Lilith now have a child of their own on the way. A baby, created from a witch and a demon. Born to claim the throne of Hell as well as represent the Order of Hecate. What will their path look like?

M

30,211 words

🌙 Pavor Nocturnus

When Zelda and Lilith's daughter is 5 years old, something scary happens...

T

9,666 words

🥵 Heatwave

A heat wave has hit Greendale - but that is nothing against what's going on in the Spellman bedroom.

E

5,607 words

🐎 Calloused Heart

(upcoming Cowgirl AU)

Wolves, storms, and money turn into the least of Zelda Spellman's problems when her sister invites Mary Wardwell-Masters to stay at the family's ranch.

M

3,056 words

✨ Whispers at Witching Hour

Zelda and Mary met at the wrong time and apparently in the wrong lives. Still, they can't seem to keep apart and find themselves in the messiest relationship of all realms. Can they make it work despite their cosmic problems and personal issues?

-An attempt to make Madam Spellman canon from P1 to P4-

E

185,993 words

✨ Wishes at Witching Hour (sequel, on hold)

When Lilith came home one night, she hadn't expected her whole life to change. Now she's living in the constant ache of not knowing the answer to one question: What really happened that day?

E

45,204 words

Miranda Croft

🫒 Handcrofted

You’re Miranda’s former assassin-colleague and after five years, you’ve decided to pay her a visit on her olive farm.

E

6,625 words

[aboutcustardcreams]

If love is a sin, my stake is already burning

[ z. s & c. g ]

a/n: I’m ridiculously verbose, I’m sorry. This chapter mainly focuses on Cordelia and Zelda, and got carried away, meaning that, no, this is not the end. 😅 hope you guys don’t mind.

Part 2 here

Zelda's lashes flutter lazily, as she takes a long sigh. Her mind, for some reason, can't really focus on the things she is supposed to do. She can't help herself but think about the things she said to you and the way you stormed out the house, without a proper bye as you normally do. Zelda didn't mean to sound harsh in your regards; however, when it's about protecting those she loves, she knows she can be fierce, a thorn in the side for some. Her sister Hilda surely knew something about that, considering all the time she had been killed by her on a whim.

When the phone rings, she is glad to give her mind a break, "Academy of Unseen Arts, this is Directrix Zelda Spellman", she greets, while absently playing with the chord, "How may I assist you?"

"I actually know a couple of ways."

Zelda recognizes the Supreme's voice on the other end of the line and her posture relaxes, "Missing me already?" a lopsided grin rapidly finds her way through her perfectly red lips.

Cordelia hums positively, while leaning against the wall behind her, then adds, "I'm calling for our common matter," she trails off, her eyes firmly settled on you, as you sleep soundly in her bed. Memories of what happened earlier at the greenhouse cause her to suck in a breath, that doesn't go unnoticed by the headmistress of the Academy of Unseen Arts.

"Celeste," Zelda mutters under her breath, hoping nothing bad has happened to you in her absence. However, there's a little voice inside her head telling her exactly the opposite.

Cordelia hums again, "I'm afraid so."

Zelda merely rolls her eyes, "What has she done now?"

Her eyes burn with mixed feelings, as a whirlwind of thoughts, as per usual, make her focus on the worst-case scenarios.

Cordelia giggles softly, she can easily imagine the daggers that Zelda is throwing at whatever is in front of her, "No drama, so to speak," she promises, however, there is indeed something to talk about, "She passed out from exhaustion before."

Zelda's eyes fall close for a second. She huffs quietly, before a bitter smile comes gracing upon her now tense features, "That witch," she drawls out in an exasperated tone. Even if she sounds mad at you, she is first of all mad at herself. First instinct for a witch like Zelda is to blame herself, for not having been suasive enough to convince Celeste to stay home that day.  

"You were right to worry", Cordelia adds, nervously racking her fingertips through her hair, "But she is fine now, all she needs is proper rest for a while."

"It’s incredible how exhausting it is to be right all the time," she speaks, Zelda grabs herself a cigarette, before placing it between her lips with shaky fingers.

She hears Cordelia giggle at her admission, before muttering a sarcastic, "Oh, I wouldn't know about that."

With the help of her magic, she lights it up and gives a long drag, before speaking again, "She better listen to me this time or else," she argues, making it clear that this time there wouldn't have been no room for pushback, "Where is she now? Let me speak to her."

"I'm afraid this isn't a good moment. She is sleeping like an infant," a warm, amused smile tugs at the Supreme's lips, "I gave her a magic serum to help with that."

Zelda nods slowly, her mind, though, races to make a plan to cover your classes at the Academy for at least the upcoming week. Along with that, she knows she can't stay in Greendale whereas you're in New Orleans, the desire to see you and be close to you, despite Cordelia assuring her you were fine, was too strong to avoid.

"Is she hurt in any way?", her voice comes out both husky and low.

The Supreme's gaze softens, recognizing concern in Zelda's voice, "Anything that a good rest can't fix," she approaches close to you, eyes brimming as much as Zelda's. "Probably only her pride is wounded," she jokes, hoping to elicit a giggle out of Zelda.

The redhead hums, a brief smile tugs at her lips. It's sincere, however, she still can't completely relax, considering she hasn’t seen you yet.

"She'd do and say anything not to admit she needs help."

Cordelia's eyes glimmer with mischievousness, "that actually reminds me of someone I know," she teases playfully.

Zelda scoffs, "Shut it now, Cordelia," something flickers across the redhead's face. An emotion, more than an annoyance. She had grown fond of the Supreme around the same time as you did, while joining forces against Michael, Lucifer's illegitimate child. She thought of it as a mere crush at first, it wasn't strange for witches, especially those of the Church of Night, to feel lust and lasciviousness inside, however, having known you for longer had made a difference in her way of thinking. She came to understand that what she felt wasn't a simple physical attraction, but a deeper connection that she knew existed between the two of you too.

"She is a tough one, just like you, and once she sets her mind on something, it's set for good," Cordelia speaks again, pulling her out of her own thoughts.

The Directrix inhales a long drag of cigarette and resettles more comfortably into her chair, "Just like my sweet Sabrina," her voice is filled with emotion and longing as she mutters her name. Cordelia smiles sadly. A crease forms in between her brows, having heard of the tragedy that befell on the Spellmans' family.

"You'd be surprised to know how hard has become for me to tell her no."

Cordelia arches an eyebrow at that, "What are you talking about? You always say no to Celeste, she just doesn't listen to you," she remarks amusedly.

Zelda has to hide a smile while flicking ash off of her cigarette into a chinaware, "She needs to listen more and talk less."

"She wouldn't be our Celeste then, would she?", the Supreme points out, with a grin.

"I guess you're right," Zelda replies, as she moistens her lips with her tongue.

You hum in your sleep, lightly furrowing your eyebrows. A moment of silence follows, the Supreme almost holds her breath to not disturb your so needed sleep, "I think she gets occasional headaches still," she hums, crinkling her nose in thought. Zelda puts away her cigarette, feeling her anxiety boiling up once again, "What do you mean? I thought she was sleeping," she retorts, with a frown.

"She is," she mutters softly, gently stroking your forehead with her fingertips. You're warm, but you don't have a fever, "I know a spell that can help with that," Zelda pauses, biting her bottom lip, "Go ahead, I'll join you from here to make it more effective."

tui gratia lovis gratia sit cure.

The two witches mutter the incantation for three times in a row, and praise Lilith, it quickly does its job. Your features relax once again, and your cheeks regain some color once again.

A smile of relief graces upon Cordelia's face, "Much better now," she coos, gently tugging a strand of hair behind your ear.

Zelda opens her mouth to respond, but the Supreme precedes her, "Love, there's something else I need to tell you."

A crease appears on the elder's forehead, "What is it?"

"I...", Cordelia's lips stir in a thin line, as she masters the courage to confess to Zelda what she has done. That being only one part of the big news in store for her. "I'd like to talk to you in person, if you don't mind, " and before Zelda can question her more, she continues, "It's not necessarily a bad thing, so don't worry."

"You know today is becoming quite a challenge not to," she huffs sarcastically, causing Cordelia to chuckle. "You're right, but it will get better as the day progresses, I'm sure of it," she admits. She combs her fingers into your hair, a soft loving expression gracing upon her features as she looks at you, clinging to her sheets. She couldn't wait to lay herself in that same bed and inhaling your scent, that would have lulled her to sleep. Her cheeks turned crimson at the thought.

"Zelds?"

"Yes, dear?"

Cordelia breathes in and out slowly, "I love her," she confesses, in a faint whisper. Her eyes well up with tears, burning drops that she yet has to shed. Zelda nods softly, she knew that about Cordelia already. They had talked about it, about being both attracted to you, along with being attracted to one another. However, they yet had to confess it to you.

 "I know, darling," she coos.

Cordelia swallows back the lump forming in her throat.

"I just love her so much," she continues, "I think...", she stutters, "she deserves to know. We need to tell her," a certain urgency fills her voice as she speaks. Maybe it had been the fear of seeing you pass out in her arms to make her speak that way, or maybe the desire to have you in her arms whatever she felt like it. Zelda couldn't know. However, she could relate. She wanted the exact same thing, but she was also afraid of a possible rejection. A single tear slides down her cheek, but she quickly wipes it with the back of her hand.

"We shouldn't act impulsively."

"No," Cordelia gritters out, "However, I feel this is the right time," she eyes you carefully, as a new determination rises through her.

"I'm texting my sister Hilda as we speak. I'll be there in a few. Wait for me, before... doing anything."

"I promise," the Supreme nods quietly at that. She immediately feels a wave of relief wash over her. Honestly it would have terrified her to confess her feelings without the other witch present by her side.

After a small pause, Zelda adds in a husk tone, "You know I feel the same, don't you?"

Cordelia's smile grows ear to ear, "I know, silly."

Zelda rolls her eyes at the pet name the Supreme has just used. However, it makes her smile, because it feels personal, filled with an affection that her heart seeks on a daily basis.

"Hilda will be here shortly," she later informs Cordelia, "I'll teleport in your room if it's okay with you."

Cordelia playfully rolls her eyes at the sudden formality performed by Zelda and a huff escape from her lips, "Just hurry up, please."

The Directrix of the Academy of Unseen Arts tries to hide the content smile that has just appeared on her face. Humming softly, she seals the promise with a whispered "I will", then, she ends the call.

 

"Can I get you something? A calming tea to help you soothe your nerves?"

Zelda finds herself scoffing slightly, as per usual she takes that offering, not for what it is, a simple nice gesture, but as a subtle way to address to her fragile frame of mind, "My nerves are perfectly fine, however, I can't say the same about yours."

"Yeah, right— I'm sorry," slightly shaking her head, the Supreme lets out a sigh, "She just scared me."

"I can imagine," Zelda hums in thought. The two witches fade into silence for a while, "It must have not been pleasant," she later adds, as she reconsiders Cordelia's offer, regarding the tea.

"Not in the slightest, no," she adds, slowly.

Zelda can feel the tension lingering in the air. Her eyes settle on you for a moment, before looking back at the Supreme, whose mind appears to be elsewhere. Something gnaws at her chest, something she can't quite place yet.

"Cordelia," she starts with a low tone, "I'm here with both of you. And everything is okay, just how you told me on the phone."

Cordelia nods, offering her a brief glance.

"What did you give her?", she clasps one of the Supreme's hands in the hope to give her some comfort.

"Essence of mauve, natural herbs and a little magic. The potion is meant to make the person sleep for as long as the body needs."

"It's gonna take a while then," Zelda teases with a coy smile, making the blonde witch chuckle, "Cordelia, she can't do this anymore. It's unhealthy," she later adds in a more serious tone.

The Supreme knew this conversation had to be done and she also knew that the Directrix had all the rights to think of it that way. Her eyes flash with both hurt and disappointment. The possibility of not having you around for a while caused a deep pain to take root inside her chest.

"I thought it would work; I really did. Transmutation alone seizes a lot of energy and covering a distance like this — is like asking a toddler to go perform an exorcism. It's too much."

Cordelia's mouth goes dry, "I know, Zelda. I'm aware of that," her hand slip out of Zelda's grasp, as she takes small steps towards you once again. The redhead follows right up and takes a seat at the end of the mattress right next to Cordelia who's still standing next to you. "And I'm so sorry I didn't notice before. I should have never suggested this in the first place," guilt gnaws at her chest as she speaks.

Zelda sighs softly, "We both know why you did that, and why I allowed it," she prompts the younger with to sit next to her with a flick of her finger.

"As if she needed your permission," Cordelia playfully rolls her eyes and obliges, "Not everything is about you, Zelda."

"Oh but it is," she retorts with a smug smile, "It also is. And I'm sure you agree with me, don't you?", she gently pushes a strand of hair from her face, making the Supreme's cheeks turn crimson.

"She has a soft spot for you," the Supreme's lips quirk upwards.

"And for you," Zelda adds, "You should have seen her this morning, so determined to come to you despite feeling unwell," the smile on Cordelia's face fades and turns into a frown.

"I've something else to tell you," Cordelia directs her gaze towards you slowly. Her hand reaches out to touch your arm, who's hidden under the bedsheets.

"You seem concerned," Zelda states bluntly.

"I did something I'm not quite fond of," her voice wavers a bit on the last word, "Celeste wouldn't tell me what was happening to her. I sat and watched her hands tremble, her gaze going blank," she sucks in a shaky breath, her heart clenching in her chest.

Panic begins to rise in Zelda's chest.

"Oh, darling," a hand wraps Cordelia's waist, pulling her closer to her side, "Whatever you did can't be that bad now, can it?", she turns towards her, and sees Cordelia's bottom lip wobble. She sniffles and lightly shakes her head as if she was struggling against herself. A part of her was telling her that she did the right thing, whereas the other was tormenting her for the choice she made, "I had to do something, I only wanted to know what she was hiding from me and from you, but then I couldn't help myself, I couldn't hold back, and dug deeper and deeper."

"Whatever do you mean?", Zelda frowns. She felt like she could use a cigarette, but she resisted for both your sake and Cordelia's.

"I read her mind," she whispers, eyes moist with tears, "her thoughts, her deepest desires. Everything."

"You did — what?"

Zelda wasn't expecting that. Her eyes snap wide open in utter disbelief. That was something she never expected the Supreme could do, considering it goes against her ethics and beliefs. However, she also acknowledges that for those you love, you're prone to break a rule or two. Truth be told, Zelda would tear Hell apart if it meant to protect her family, Cordelia or you.

"I had no other choice, and the worst part is that I'm not even sorry for that. I have no remorse because... because—" she recalls vividly everything she has felt and witnessed through your heart.

Zelda opens her mouth to say something, but Cordelia beats her to it, "I'm so happy, Zelda," she breathes out, turning completely towards her.

"I still don't understand," the redhead witch blinks in disbelief.

Cordelia cups Zelda's cheeks then, leaning further closer to the elder witch. Her heart stops only to restart at a breakneck speed. Her eyes fall on Cordelia's mouth as her teeth casually start nibbling on her bottom lip. She inhales sharply, her pupils grow darker with lust.

"Celeste is in love with us," a couple of tears fall from her eyes, when Cordelia whispers those magic words against Zelda's agape mouth.

She shudders. Cordelia grasps a single tear that has just slipped Zelda's eye, before wrapping her arms around her waist.

At once, she is a bunch of nerves, both shocked and incredulous. She feels like it's her turn to collapse, but Cordelia holds her.

That surely changes everything.

[crestncredence]

“in how many words can I say something as simple as I love you?” ✨

humanformers of my oc Aspartame and @rcxdirectrix ‘s oc Directrix,, they both brought flowers to surprise the other for their little date 🌸

[chronotopes]

⭐ tell me everything. (atp wise but honestly it'd also be really funny if you talked about your hs fanfics as well)

HI ALARY i fell asleep last night and now we're so back

yall have gotta stop giving me choices it ends with me staring into my own novel for an hour like i'm narcissus in the pond. also i'm super biased towards later chapters right now because those are the ones i have most recently finished. all that being said, let's talk about one of my favorite parts of chapter 6: aivide in stelad's apartment.

Maybe you should have gone back to Teavon after all. But there’s no good in being afraid of your own apartment. Your apartment, not Nora’s or Donnah’s or the AMHL’s. Surely that counts for something. Besides the two rooms you’ve seen, what it counts for is a small bedroom furnished with a desk and a twin-sized bed, very much like what you’ve slept on all your life, and a bathroom about the size of Donnah’s. You note with some distress that there are a few trinkets left in the desk drawers – hair ties, a pair of reading glasses, a broken stylus, a half-empty tube of what you gather, from the faded packaging, had once been vanilla-scented hand lotion. Opening drawers and cabinets more deliberately now, you find more of your mom’s ancient ephemera in the bathroom. A tin of cheap bath salts, a comb, a tangle of bobby pins. Headache pills, expired just under two hundred sweeps ago. A candle, mostly burned out. A single pearl earring. In the closet, you find – fuck, the Directrix had not been exaggerating – a number of identical blouses, several tasteful black pencil skirts, a long, warm coat that looks quite like your own, and a mysterious garment bag. It’s barely a surprise when the latter turns out to contain a floor-length flared gown made of shining teal fabric. Gala wear. Fuck, if anyone had bothered to tell you that you had an ancestral gown, Nora could have saved herself a little money. It’s disquieting. The apartment is too full of items to have feasibly been professionally cleared out after your ancestor’s death, but empty enough that it triggers questions in itself. There’s nothing written, nothing with pictures. No college memorabilia, no old name badges from her job, no jewelry except the pearl earring that, stupidly, you’d slipped into your pocket. There are several logical assumptions. That your ancestor, for whatever reason, had cleared out those things herself. Not completely far-fetched, though your apartment in Seilat had contained a few boxes of her things. That whoever cleans teal apartments doesn’t do so with great zeal, isn’t given a lot of time. Possible. Or that someone else has been here before you, has gathered anything truly memento-like for themself.

Ever since leaving Donnah's place, this has been an extremely dialogue-heavy section of the novel – and not just any dialogue but her 'job interview' with Eubala (Eubala, of course, would have hired her on the basis of ancestry no matter what. The rumor come out does Aivide is a nepo baby??). A consistent theme of Chapter 6 is that, as far back as her graduation, Aivide is reconsidering Stelad as more of a real troll and less of someone who was just Born Cruel And Evil.

The little graduation ceremony takes place in the Savant Latoil Library and Archival Center on the morning of New Sweep’s Eve, and doesn’t last very long. Still, the Provost reads off your name when she acknowledges the cohort’s top ten TECQE performers. Still, when she pins the little medal to your chest, designating you as a formal graduate of the AMHL, she gives you a little smile of what you think is recognition. As you walk back to where you’re standing with Sieala and Turabi, you catch sight of your ancestor’s portrait on the wall. When she graduated, you know she must have already had a job with Malcos Enterprises, which she would work for in several capacities for the next hundred eighty sweeps. You wonder if she had already ended her relationship with the handsome teal woman you saw in that picture, whether her eyes had already lost their soft light. Whether she, too, had wondered if she was going to spend the rest of her life alone in some capacity.

We've been setting up for this change in Aivide's outlook towards her ancestor – from one of 'I'll never be like you! Look how much I'll never be like you! I have to never be like you or I'll die' to 'fuck, what if you were like me? what if you had messy breakups and self-isolating impulses and lengthy depressive spells?' for several chapters, most notably in chapters 3 and 4, which are the pre-chapter 6 chapter to engage most directly with Stelad's humanity. These are kind of the dual preoccupations of the novel – chapters 1, 3, 4, and 6 are aggressively concerned with Stelad's World And How It Impacts Aivide's World, whereas chapters 2, 4, and 5 are aggressively concerned with Nora's World* And How It Impacts Aivide's World.

(*more pertinently to the audience, vinbre's world is also the key driver of chapters 2 and 4, but aivide doesn't know that! #neverforget that when aivide and nora fuck it's technically a result of vinbre's actions. knowing this helps nobody but it is funny)

Tangent aside, though, part of what's going on in this frantic search for remnants of Aivide's mother is Aivide accessing a part of herself that only comes out by accident – the part that calls Stelad 'Mom' rather than 'Stelad' or 'my ancestor,' unwilling to completely renounce that ancestral closeness and search for understanding. Aivide is more comfortable see Stelad as the type of pearls-twirling* villain that had a great time doing everything she did than as someone who did everything she did and was still left deeply unhappy by it. She doesn't like confronting the idea that someone can be cruel and unhappy at the same time, which is a shame because she's about to get a direct line into the psyche of eubala malcos, one of the cruelest and unhappiest people on the entire planet.

(*mustache twirling, For Her!)

But anyway context aside I think several more important takeaways from this scene are the following:

1 - the extremely unsubtle implication that eubala went through this apartment and picked up a bunch of mementos for herself, which aivide has realized by the end of this passage but doesn't want to admit to herself because it feels like a fucking crazy to admit, and

2 - As she walks through this apartment and finds her mom's old stuff, Aivide deterministically assigns herself Stelad's fate. If I walked into and agreed to being called the Optimizer, it means I have earned the same miserable life as the last one. If Aivide had returned to Donnah's apartment first, if the two of them had explored the place together with a fair amount of humor about the whole thing... it's not 100% that they would have stayed together, but there's more of a chance there. In that way the choice to see the apartment before calling Donnah is the same kind of point of departure as Aivide choosing to call Annise for relationship advice in chapter 4 instead of telling Donnah and her friends the truth about what happens. Aivide continually avoids making the choices that would set her up to have an easier time of things, more at 10.

3 - this is the gown aivide finds. No modifications or anything it just looks exactly like that.