#dir en grey fanfics

[that-fangirl]

Sudden wifey material- Toshiya x reader fanfic (mention of Die, Kaoru and George)

After a rather busy afternoon much to our surprise, night approached us. Mia-chan had given me enough time to go home for a short time and take a shower to wash away the sweat from running back and forth all day. Once I returned, I gave her enough time to do the same and use my house. 

You’re pretty dolled up for just another regular night, boss… - she teased me.

Just say what you mean to say…

Oh, I think you should! Go get him, boss. Sink your teeth into him!

Just go ahead and wash up. And doll up a bit too? So I won’t look thirsty? 

But you are though… - she said under her breath and smiled my way, wiggling her eyebrows.

I shook my head at her as she made a run for the door, giggling. 

From behind her, I recognized a tall slender frame. Toshiya had arrived, like he promised. Following behind him was Die, Sexx George and Kaoru. Mia-chan pointed towards me, smiling at Toshiya and I averted my gaze before he could catch me staring. I tried distracting myself by changing the playlist on the bar to something more nostalgic and chose Buck-tick. 

I’m back. - he announced with a triumphant smile, sitting in front of me. 

Hello, handsome. - I greeted him as usual. He smiled widely and giggled. 

He still had his makeup on, but was wearing his regular clothes. Die sat to his right, bowing towards me as he sat down. George sat to his left, also bowing and Kaoru followed suit, sitting to George’s left. 

I bowed back at them, saying:

Thank you for your hard work tonight. 

Time for some well deserved drinks! - George announced. - Right then! What you got?

That depends… do you want your regular poison of choice or something new, George?

Uh? - George-san was confused, looking at everyone for answers.

We have never been introduced but I must say I was quite looking forward to meeting you.

She’s here, she’s here! - Die announced rather amused, exchanging glances between us. 

Eh, don’t tell me? Are you a fan of mine? - George asked, blushing and combing through his red dyed hair. He looked around the boys for insight. None was given. 

Well, Toshiya talks about your antics so often I was curious to know who was my competition.

Toshiya laughed loudly, crossing his arms over his chest. Die giggled along and hit Toshiya’s shoulder playfully, whispering something in his ear. Toshiya nodded, giggling. 

Competition? - he repeated, leaning closer.

That’s right.

Eh?! Who do you enjoy to mess with? - he asked, pointing at the boys.

This handsome fella right here. - I said pointing my finger at Toshiya. He blushed. 

Oh-oh! Really?! So? How is it?

Quite fun, actually.  

Hoy! - Toshiya called me out, pointing his finger towards me as a warning. 

You know I can’t resist a bit of fun… especially if you’re in it. - I teased Toshiya, reaching for his finger and kissing it.  

He hid his face in his bangs shyly while George and Die whistled and smacked his back. 

He’s a tsundere, you know?

Oh I know. But I love that cold exterior. It just makes me want to peel off those layers to see what’s really underneath. Teasing, pushing his buttons, taming him… ah, fun! 

She’s an S. - Die warned Toshiya with a wicked smile. - Careful. It can be addictive. 

Toshiya laughed loudly, turning his back towards us to pull himself together. 

I think he likes the sound of that.- Die teased him, patting his back.

What’s there not to like about that scenario? Neh, Toshiya-san? Would you let me tame you?

Stop it. - he begged, not daring to look back and making the boys laugh.

But it could be fun for the both of us! We can change roles, too… I’ll let you do the same.

Die whistled and nodded happily with my reply.

It’s a good deal. It’s good, Toshiya. Take it! - he supported him. 

Wow. Hoy, you brat! Don’t turn your back on a lady!!! Especially one interested in you! - George educated Toshiya, making his stool spin back towards the counter. - You’re not getting any younger, you know? Don’t miss your chance now!

Toshiya’s shoulders were shaking from trying to contain his laughter. He hid his face in his bangs but I could still see his pearly whites through the dark strands of his hair. 

Die and Kaoru laughed loudly, enjoying to watch George scolding Toshiya. 

Show your face too! - he demanded, pulling his bangs back and exposing his forehead. 

It was now my turn to laugh. Toshiya was beaming red, trying to pull away from George’s hands.They all looked towards me as I muffled my laughter behind the palm of my hand.

George, you scold him like a father. - I remarked.

I practically taught this boy everything he knows! - he said, smacking Toshiya’s cheek playfully.

He didn’t even know how to use his hips for playing the bass. 

I’m very sorry. - Toshiya apologized, bowing. 

In that case… on behalf of the ladies, thank you George. 

Toshiya laughed loudly. 

Right?! - he got very excited, leaning closer to the counter. - It helps!

Thighs too… you do look like you got some thunder thighs, Toshiya-san… - I tried, lifting an eyebrow and looking down to where his thighs should be if I could see them.

Hoy! Don’t start it! - Toshiya warned me, smiling widely. Die smirked mischievously. 

Since you boys are all musicians and I have never been with a musician… - they listened carefully and laughed: - Tell me. Is it true musicians got skills on their fingers? 

Kaoru-san doubled his laughter, clapping his hands like a seal. Die looked towards Toshiya waiting for his reaction. Toshiya lifted an eyebrow my way and George smirked.

I’d be awfully disappointed if those long, deft fingers couldn’t play me like you play that bass. 

Toshiya was staring right back at me, with an amused expression. 

Are you seriously not gonna reply to that?! - George questioned him seriously, leaning into his shoulder ready to smack him. The boys laughed and Toshiya giggled nervously.

I’m thinking! 

What do you mean you’re thinking?! Of what?

A comeback!

No, no, no! No comeback! Just say: yes, you can! - George rubbed his face in desperation. 

Die and Kaoru were crying from laughing so hard. Toshiya giggled, hiding his red cheeks. 

What’s wrong with this dude? - George asked rather frustrated. - Say it!

Yes, I can… - he said almost below a whisper. 

More confidence! - George demanded, puffing his chest. 

Yes, I can. - Toshiya said, looking towards me with eyes that screamed forgiveness and embarrassment. I bursted into laughter. 

That’s a nice expression you got there, Toshiya-san. Go on: beg me to save you. - I teased him some more. 

The boys all bursted into laughter, smacking counters and leaning into each other for support.

She’s here! The S is here! Ah, this is fun. - Die said, massaging Toshiya’s shoulder. 

You are having WAY too much fun with this. - Toshiya warned me, narrowing his eyes. 

I am. Why? You mad? - I continued. The boys suddenly fell silent, studying his face.

I might be…

Are you choosing my punishment? - I tried, leaning closer to him. He didn’t avert his gaze.

Mmh. - he replied, licking his lips. 

Come closer. - I asked him. - Come on now. I won’t bite. Unless you want me to, of course.

He narrowed his eyes again, smirking but complied. I pulled him by his shirt collar, surprising him and put my hand around his neck to caress the hair at his nape. The boys watched from the edge of their seats rather amused by the turn of events and waited. George was excited.

Bend me over your knees and spank me, daddy… - I whispered in his ear. - It’s the only way I will ever learn. 

He gasped. I allowed my hand to lazily fall around his shoulder and chest as I pulled away. Toshiya’s eyes were dark with lust.

You like that, uh?

He nodded his head, smirking and giggling with excitement. 

Are the two of you going to share what just happened or… - George tried, leaning my way.

Why should any of you get a spoiler of what’s to come? Right… Toshiya-san? - I teased.

His eyes flashed with a glimmer of excitement and lust. He licked his lips and leaned closer. 

If you really mean that… - he started. - They may not get a spoiler but I want a preview. 

Oh, this is getting VERY interesting. - Die remarked, biting his thumb.

I thought you’d never ask, handsome… Tomorrow. After the show. 

Tomorrow?! - he questioned, clearly clueless as to why and how I had decided that. 

What? You thought I would just give it to you? - I teased him, caressing the tip of his nose. - A girl’s gotta play hard to get. Where’s the fun in just handing it to you on a platter?

I continued my journey with my finger down his lips towards his chin and down his neck. 

The boys laughed. Toshiya focused his eyes intently on me with a naughty smile on his lips. 

Going to make me wait, uh? 

Yes, Sir. My father always told me to make them wait. That way I could always tell apart the rotten apples from the good ones.

Alright then. I’ll be waiting impatiently for tomorrow. - he assured me. 

Since that is settled… - Die started. - Would you make us a couple of drinks, please? We worked hard and we ARE thirsty? Isn’t that right, Toshiya?

The boys giggled and Toshiya smirked my way. His eyes had a different glow to them. He was watching me like prey. Strangely I didn’t mind. It made me feel safe, treasured and desired. 

I was very much aware of his gaze on me as I went around the bar and prepared drinks for the rest of the night. The boys stayed until closing hour, chatting amongst themselves. 

Boys, you have all been a wonderful crowd but we have to close up shop. - I joked.

At least join us for a drink before we leave! - George begged, lifting his hands in the air.

I’d love to but-

Just one. Please. - Toshiya asked me, reaching for my hand over the counter.

They fell silent, watching us both rather interested in what would come out of it. 

Toshiya-san… are you drunk? - I tried.

I’ll be damned. She’s got him all figured out. - George said, crossing his arms over his chest and making the boys laugh.

A little. - he admitted, smiling with lazy eyes. 

I see… that explains why you’re trying to act cute with me. 

He also becomes clingy when he drinks. - Die warned me, smiling wickedly. 

So the tsundere flies out the window, uh? - I asked him.

Oh yeah. - Die confirmed, sipping his beer. 

Come on! Have a drink with me. - Toshiya begged, with lazy eyes. 

Oh my… did we become invisible? You really only have eyes for her, neh Totchi? - Die teased.

She’s my tsuma. - he said proudly, smiling towards Die. 

Your wife, uh? - I was rather amused by his drunkenness. - Well, this morning you did call me “dearest” and lately I find myself welcoming you back like a husband.

Oh-oh!!! This is getting good, right boys? - George laughed. 

It’s the only way I get to see you every day! - he whined, laughing. - I have to come!

If that’s the issue then why not just ask for my number, Toshiya-san? I’ll give it to you… gladly.

Uuuh, nice!!! He’ll take it! He’ll take it! - George cheered, smacking Toshiya’s shoulder. 

I reached out to caress his hand and Toshiya smiled, quite amused. I took my pen and began scribbling on his palm. The boys watched, sipping their drinks and watching the turn of events.

Call me… husband. - I teased him and winked my eye at him. 

Toshiya hid his face in George’s neck making everyone giggle at how coy he played suddenly. 

He will! He will. - Die and Kaoru guaranteed, shaking a stunned Toshiya. 

I’m counting on you boys… I’ll be waiting. - I promised, reaching for Toshiya’s neck to pull him towards me. I kissed his cheek, lovingly and they all cheered. He rubbed his neck and smiled from ear to ear, like a happy little boy. 

My phone started ringing. I took the day off to go to the show, but after last night I thought it wise to sleep until late since I was tired. 

I smacked the side table, palming for my phone. When I found it, I approached the speaker to my face and never asked who was it. I just waited for the voice on the other line. Until…

Hello? - I heard a familiar voice.

Hello, handsome. 

Did I awake you? - he tried also with a husky voice.

You did. But honestly it is a worse crime that you dare wake me up without being beside me in bed. 

Not even when you wake up?! You wasted no time!  - he said through giggles.

If it’s you, I’m always ready to flirt. - I tried, smiling to myself. 

Good to know. - he said seductively. That caused a shiver to run up my spine.

So… what is the reason for your call?

Eh? Oh, I just wanted to check on you and also… are you really coming to the show? - he asked slowly.

I keep my promises, Toshiya-san. I am going.

Oh… Good, good. I’m excited.

You should be. I am planning on kissing those pretty lips tonight. - I teased him.

Toshiya fell silent for a brief moment and suddenly laughed.

I see… That is, uh… Mhm.

By the way! How’s that hangover?

Ahah… I think I’m all healed, now that I know I’m getting a kiss.

Awww… look at him acting sweet. I could ALMOST fall for it. - I teased him.

I heard his boyish laughter from the other side.  

Mhm… that’s dangerous. - he concluded. 

We’ll see about that… - I teased him. - Well, handsome… I’d love to stay and keep on teasing you, maybe even get into some dirty talk over the phone.

Toshiya bursted into laughter on the other side. 

But… I have to go. I’ll see you tonight. Text me the details, will you?

Mhm… I will.

Such a good boy…

He laughed some more and wished me a good day. 

Break a leg, boys. 

We’ll work extra hard for you. 

Uff… 5 men all working hard to please me?! I like the sound of that! Yes, please. 

He doubled his laughter on the other side of the phone. I don’t think I noticed until that moment how much I really liked the sound of Toshiya’s laughter and giggles. 

Much to my surprise, somehow, Toshiya and George got me a ticket for a VIP section. I insisted that I should pay for it, but Toshiya was having none of it and claimed it was a present. So there I was, feeling somewhat nervous to hear them play. And to stand so close to them and see them so clearly. But mostly because I was now acquainted with Toshiya personally and didn’t quite know how to feel about his persona on stage. 

I was soon reminded of how much I loved his presence on stage: the palpable darkness and wild nature that pulled me in, the allure of his movements, the grace and the confident, almost royal like manner he walked around the stage, like he owned it. The proud smirk, the jumps and slaps to the bass… These were the moments I felt, I could see him shine the most. 

He looked my way and I felt my heart nearly jump inside my chest. He smiled widely and pointed my way, mouthing “This one is for you”. Toshiya… so you do know how to make a girl swoon! 

The boys started playing Yokan and Toshiya’s bass came through loud and clear just the way I loved it. He smiled proudly towards me and I saw Die come beside him to smile my way knowingly. Toshiya turned around hiding his face and Die giggled, happy for teasing him. 

Kyo-san wiggled his eyebrows towards Toshiya on his break from the song and laughed. The whole band was strangely aware of what was happening. So they took turns trying to embarrass Toshiya’s attempt to look cool in my eyes. He smiled widely while playing his bass. 

I felt someone tap my shoulder and when I looked back, I saw George. He smiled widely, showing me a thumbs up and asked me to approach him:

The boys are going into encore! Come with me! You can watch from the side of the stage. 

Oh, okay… - I agreed right way and followed George. 

He gave me a shoulder squeeze against his chest and said:

Did you see that brat?! He was trying to impress you, uh?

So it seems… little does he know he doesn’t actually have to go to those lengths to impress me. 

I heard Kyo scream “Last Sooong!” and suddenly felt butterflies flutter in my stomach. It was almost over. 

Oh, really? Eh?! - George was rather amused and surprised to hear me confess this.

Oh yes… I love the on stage Toshiya. I feel like I am in a trance when I watch him. I’m not gonna lie. I think he looks like pure sex on stage.

If he only knew!!! - George said through giggles, clapping his hands with excitement. 

After a couple of turns in what felt like a maze inside the performance house and we got to the side of the stage just as the boys finished up. They were waving to the crowd as if they meant goodbye and the crowd was going wild. Toshiya searched for my face in the VIP section and George approached the side stage to get his attention. He looked his way rather confused and George pointed towards me behind him. Toshiya widened his eyes and suddenly left the stage, moving towards me with steady steps; the Impulss bass tightly in is hand. I felt my heartbeat quicken with every step he took closer to me. He sprinted lightly during the last half of the way and taking my face in his large hands, he simply greeted me:

Hey.

He kissed me before I could even reply. He moaned into the kiss and I felt myself melt in his hold. He dipped his tongue into my mouth to deepen the kiss and I allowed him. He released my face to hold me close to him, the bass pressed between our bodies. His kiss turned into another kiss, and another more desperate and passionate, making me loose my breath. Taking quick breaths against the flick of his warm tongue, I moaned into his mouth. Toshiya sank his fingers into my shoulders, almost as if he longed to somehow melt into me, our bodies becoming one. 

Hoy! Hoy! - George called out for him. - Hurry back inside!

Toshiya broke the kiss reluctantly, out of breath. He brushed his nose against mine and pressed his forehead to mine, smiling widely. 

You have no idea how much I have been dying to do that. - he confessed against my lips and stealing a quick peck. - Wait here. Okay?

He turned around, smiling my way, feeling quite proud of himself and walked back in with an almost arrogant walk. He opened his arms wide at the crowd, feeling on top of the world and making them scream loudly. The rest of the boys teased him, throwing kisses at him and licking their lips. Kyo-san looked my way and shook his head, smiling. 

Sometimes, all it takes is the right woman beside you. And suddenly you feel like the whole world is yours for the taking. - George said, standing beside me and elbowing my side. 

I licked my bottom lip feeling suddenly aware of all the eyes fixed on me after what just happened. 

A tint heated my cheeks as George proceeded to tease me, for feeling shy and self-conscious when I hardly seemed to take notice of anyone before that kiss. 

The world just went away when he kissed you, uh?

In a way, yes.

In that case, just get married already! - he said quite serious. - You two are perfect for each other! You’re head over heels. You’re all he talks about. I’m tired of his ramblings! Just let me die in peace already, will you? I’m a tired old man! Look at the size of the bags under my eyes!!!

I couldn’t help but laugh at George’s pleas and complaints. 

[naughtycalamari]

Neues Kapitel: Fucking Rockstar Bitch 

 Chapters: 12/12 Fandom: Dir en grey, Jrock Rating: Mature Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Relationships: Die/Kaoru (Dir en grey), Kaoru (Dir en grey)/Original Character(s) Characters: Kaoru (Dir en grey), Die (Dir en grey) Additional Tags: Humor, Romance, Drama, Friendship, Past Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Road Trips, Friendship/Love

FINAL CHAPTER!!! 

[memory-and-sky]

i can write dir en grey fanfiction (x reader) if someone really wants it. don’t attack me i do what the people want (i don’t, i’ve been in a creative block for months)

[andurasomehow]

Wrap Him Up

Rating: general audiences Genre: bandfic, romance, fluff Length: 1/1 -> one-shot Summary: Die elaborates about romance while in fact, all he wants is to wrap him up. Old cheesy fluff from 2010 ahead. Status: Finished.

Wrap Him Up

It's hard for me to tell why people say I'm no romantic just because I don't believe in love at first sight. Oh, there sure is attraction from the very first instant but usually from what I've experienced it leads you into blindness due to heart-shaped glasses blocking common sense from your brains. In my life, I've fallen within seconds or sometimes, I took a whole night just to be madly in love and stupidly giving myself up for someone I didn't even know. Of course there's an outer shell around me—or you, the wall every person has that protects them from those who won't care about you. But when you're in love, thinking you're being loved, you let all this guard down just to realize months or mere weeks later, that the person you've trusted was someone completely different than who you subconsciously imagined and hoped for when you've met them for the first time. That one moment can't make all your life. No, I'm not a negative person. But I'm not a "blind idealist" either. I've had my fair share of experiences in life and those have proven another story to me. Life isn't romantic by itself. But it's you who rules your life; so it's you who got to make it delightful and romantic.

"Can I get your attention for a moment?" Die put fork and knife down, waiting for Kaoru to do the same, who instead gazed at him bewildered, looking slightly scared on top of it. But Die wouldn't have any of it. "I told you I don't care."

Maybe my life still isn't romantic, for sure not all sunshine and roses, but after a long way true love has found its way into me and I can not even tell how exactly it happened. All I know is how I feel, entirely filled with affection beyond imagination, ultimate devotion and willing to die for my loved one. Not that I'd see an end soon despite his age. He turns 36 years old this very day and I treat him for dinner—the least I can do. I don't think I've ever dated Kaoru in the meaning of it. That was because both of us resisted temptation and refused to give in to attraction, becoming friends and colleagues. Later on, we grew psychically comfortable around each other, always having open arms for one another and of course two ears as well. Whatever had put me down, hugging him could make it go away. And he comforted me while I complained and told him all my sorrows, not as a lover but as a friend. If this is not romantic, I can't help it. But that was part of why my love for him grew, more and more each day, and it still does. It's not just either being in love or not; it's feeling like there's no end to this love because it nothing but grows. I love him wholly, which means I even adore his every failure.

"We'll get thrown out." Kaoru mentioned as he grasped the napkin beside his plate, more for the fact that he needed something to grip into his moist hand than wiping his mouth on it. His lips were dry like the Sahara and if he were able to think straight, he'd probably snatch his glass and drink the red wine in one go.

"So what?" Die grinned and pushed his chair back in order to get up and stand on his feet, stating: "Now shut up, baby. I got something to say here.", and if he drew attention from anybody else other than his companion, then he didn't care. His focus was on Kaoru only.

Sure, we were 'just friends'; or maybe more than that because there was something we never told each other in spite of all our trust. Suddenly crushing on some random guy I had met, it was at a time when I still would've believed in love at first sight, and walking on cloud number nine I had nothing better to do than telling my 'best friend'. I will never forget the look in his eyes, or how he avoided my gaze from then on. So he was jealous; I liked it. But his unspoken disapproval made me mad too. All Kaoru did was shrug, turn away and change the subject while I would've rather bathed in the flattering feeling of his jealousy, blabbering endlessly about that crush of mine. Mean. Evil. Cruel? None of these attributes I had purposefully wanted to be. I simply didn't think. Even until the time that lover of mine turned out to be a total jerk and I came running to Kaoru crying my eyes out. Now it's a funny story to tell, but oh how much I had hurt him back then. I felt that same stabbing pain in my chest the day he stated he was with someone. With some one. Just like that, from one moment to the next, he was having a relationship with a man he didn't know a thing about. It turned me so mad that I ran away and got drunk. And yes, I was a grown-up man about to turn twenty-seven. Mature? No, in love. That's when we stopped telling each other about our crushes or possible relationships and lovers until later, just to be really sure, we didn't date anyone anymore. Why would we? If one of us found out, he'd be hurt and our love for each other was greater than any crush could've been. The only problem was that we didn't recognize that it was love yet.

Clearing his throat, Die took a deep breath and pushed it out of his lungs slowly, of course being nervous and not all cool like he wanted to appear. His hands were sweaty and his throat dry, and the longer he stood the more gazes he felt upon himself. He better got a grip, focusing on the unbelieving look in his lover's eyes. "Kaoru, I—" His breath seemed to get caught in his throat but he tried to regain composure, remembering the words he meant to say. "I am aware that we might get asked to leave the restaurant once I'm done but I can't care less. Because it doesn't matter if we're inside of here having a posh dinner or outside on the street with nothing but ourselves; it's with you I wanna be and as long as I'm with you, I'm at home."

It was just there, then, somehow. Kaoru was upon me, I grinned, and he looked me in the eyes and it was just there; love. I could see it in his gaze and I could feel it within myself. There was never a wrong move to make because I knew him so well, every touch natural as if we weren't two bodies but one. It had been like this for... I don't know, developing slowly but it was there, apparent, and the only difference it made was if we kept on touching innocently or finally shared the only remaining act between us. We had often ended up like this but that one time Kaoru leaned down to kiss me. For the split of a second I was about to turn my head away because I was shit-scared of losing him if we crossed that border and messed up. But, the moment his lips were on mine, all that belonged together fell into place and I knew that we couldn't lose but only win. What was supposed to be ours, was made his and mine, at last. So is this romantic? Just because we had finally the guts to kiss after being cowards for years. It's not like we were bedded on roses, and trust me, life has its ups and downs that no silly act of foolishness could make better. But I know that no matter how many times life makes me a fool, I'm always gonna be Kaoru's and that's never going to change. I'll make sure of that.

"You are mine as much as I'm yours. Always will be. Coz with you I've learned what love is really about and I do love you. More than anything and anyone. I just know that you belong to me and that's why..." Taking a deep breath that he didn't push out the instant, Die pulled a little silver box from out of his jeans pocket and flashed a bright grin. "I won't ask you to marry me because we're simply not allowed to. Instead I'd like to ask: will you spend the rest of your entire life with me?" Die paused, slightly relieved that he had made it this far, and trembling like hell for the show he had put on. And he opened the box to reveal a golden band, chosen for the man Die wanted to be with forever.

The napkin fell out of Kaoru's hand as he stared at his lover with his mouth agape, taking some time before he managed to breathe again. Die had threatened to do that at some point, had repeated his threat only minutes before, and Kaoru had never quite believed the other man was being serious about it. He had laughed it off, played along and inwardly bubbled in joy for the mere fact of Die's crazy idea. Casting glances at the people staring at both of them, Kaoru's pupils shifted nervously back to his lover whose smile was a little sheepish but prompting. That's when the older man's grin broke loose, ankles pushing the chair backwards as he stood up and remembered that he was asked a question. His reply was a mere breath but the several times he nodded his head up and down was enough of an answer for Die who loved to see the other man's round smile nearly breaking his face in two. "Yeah?" Reaching out his hand, he took a hold of Kaoru's and put the ring on his finger, kissing it afterwards. "Fuck yes!" Kaoru's deep voice rumbled when he quickly circled the small table between them and cupped Die's cheeks with both hands before he kissed the smiling lips. Perfectly well he knew they were being the center of everybody's attention but that was that and Die was his man. Closely Kaoru hugged the taller man, never so sure of anything in his life although his voice was low and shaky, filled with overpowering emotion aroused by the wild beating of his heart, when he said: "I love you for your goddamn craziness!" "Thanks!" Die winked and kissed the smaller man again. And only when both men pulled apart, Kaoru realized the cheering audience.

I'm not sure if asking someone to spend their entire with another can be considered romantic. I don't think so. Because it's no serenade I sung, no roses I brought and no flattering statements crossed my lips. What I said was the plain truth in all honesty and nothing but. I just wanna be with Kaoru and when I want the world to know that he is mine, then it's entirely selfish of me. And maybe a little crazy. But I don't give a fuck. Now I have wrapped him up.

The End.

[cafelemisery]

🍓 A snippet from the wip diekao fic that ive been working on for a while… i need to get my new ao3 account made since i lost the password to the old one but im halfway done w the first chapter 🍓 lmk if you all like and wanna read more ^_^

Die n Kao photo creds: https://pin.it/ApBoAkmyq

[scarefox]

Asagi - Zero

Asagi - Anpusai

Asagi - Seventh Sense

Asagi - Shikabane no Ouja

Asagi & Shinya <3

[daydreams-at-night]

Hi.

Ich hab mich entschlossen, eine meiner Diru fanfics zu veröffentlichen. Wer mal reinschauen mag:

Das erste Kapitel ist hochgeladen.

Viel Spaß beim Lesen.

(don't like, don't read 😉)

💕

[de-merveilles]

There was a time on Italian Fanfic websites were you could find the most unhinged 32-chapters long fic in which The GazettE, Alice nine, dir en grey, an cafe, SuG, Yoshiki and Malice Mizer were all stuck in a tour bus together

Correct grammar was optional, only pure chaos and lots of sex.

[the-ravening]

9 People You'd Like To Get to Know Better

Thanks for tagging me @six-demon-bag, @zsparz, and @hiddenxplaces-blog!

3 ships: Winterbaron, obviously. Uhhh, I guess the other ships taking up the most space in my brain at this very moment in time are Helmut/Heinrich Zemocest and Stucky.

First ship: Daisuke/Yamato from Digimon was the first fic I ever read. First ship I got obsessed with was prob Paris/Kim from Star Trek Voyager.

Last song: I think the last song I listened to last night was Clever Sleazoid by Dir en grey

Last film: I kinda half-rewatched Captain America: The First Avenger with some friends on NYE while eating raclette, but the last new film I actually watched was probably Saltburn. Unless I'm forgetting something because Saltburn's taken over so much of my conscious thoughts.

Currently reading: Mostly fanfic, occasionally my Scientific American magazines that pile up, and I started listening to Lolita on audiobook a couple months ago but dropped off, though I'd still like to finish it.

Currently craving: We just finished the Tony's Chocolonely bars I brought back from Germany, and I wish so badly that I'd bought more of them.

Fav color: Blush pink & matte gold, preferably together in soft, glorious harmony

Relationship status: Not married, but not not married

Last thing googled: The spelling of Tony's Chocolonely. Before that, probably words to make sure I was spelling them/using them correctly.

Current obsessions: Zemo, Winterbaron, Daniel Brühl, Saltburn, and I've recently gotten really back into knitting again. Oh, and I started nostalgia playing Princess Maker 2 the other day and now I barely wanna do anything else, so I guess that also counts.

No-pressure tagging: @violenciorp, @tales-from-a-maphia-don, @thepiper0fhameln, @ex0rin, @unlikelymilliner, @shadowslament, @winterbonesthings, I can't even think of 9 people who haven't already been tagged, so anyone I missed who wants to join in.

[chevvy-ryder]

💕 self-love time! talk about which ones of YOUR creations (edits, artworks, fanfics) you like the most then send to other creators to do the same 💕

I may chose my art for this one!

it's been a long while since I drew my last pic! (back in 2021 I think) – if at all, I drew once a year during the last 5 years bc it takes me ages.

I used to do a lot of traditional fanart back in the day (and during my studies), then I found a liking in drawing with illustrator (lol yes) and did digiatal stuff as in outliens in this programm and then went on coloring with photoshop (I never got into using ipad apps to draw).

But let's start with

OLD BUT GOLD – traditional stuff (I'm still proud of):

Phoenix, garuda fighting nagas and a Japanese Zombie Dragon yo!

I've been influenced a lot by Japanese traditional woodblock print and tattoo art and I love mythical beats and creatures. So these exist.

I'll put the two I did of Kyo (vocalist of Dir en Grey) extra including the songs I drew them for, next. He's perfect for art (I may have been influnced by his artbooks and album designs a little as well at that time).

and this stuff here is my most recent I did for a personal 960s au fic of an old tv western show I started writing when rona times hit (it kept me super busy, thankfully). Since I wanted to make more or less a book out of the chapters I decided to draw a bit for it as well, so have Gil, Rowdy and Rowdy's bike:

I miss doing illustrations sometimes and I often thought about drawing my pixel boys as well but tbh, I can take pics of them that almost look real to me at times and like I always wanted them to be, it costs me a few hours now instead of 3 days spending on an illustration like I used to do (I mean, look how often I lost myself in drawing details already in my traditional ones - the work behind it was often immense — I remember having parts of Lotus lyrcis, which were Japanese, translated into Siddham for the Lotus Kyo one! To this day I do not know if it is right or wrong, noone can read it anway i guess? lol

[wrathfulmercy]

4. what genre do you primarily favour? 5. what are your top five fandoms to RP within? 6. what are you top five universes to RP within? 12. what was the first fandom that you roleplayed within? 19. who was the first faceclaim you remember using, who for (canon or original)? 20. what age range do you most enjoy playing? 22. what have you learned by proxy of roleplaying and rp researching? 24. what faceclaim did you start off disliking, that you ended up enjoying or even playing? how did that come about? (non problematic, a personal preference) 25. what faceclaim did you start of loving, and now loathe? (non problematic, a personal preference)

Mun asks from here @wexarethewalkingxdead

4. what genre do you primarily favour?

Enemies to lovers, secret/forbidden relationships, slow burn, angst, horror. It has to hurt in a way and be dramatic :)

5. what are your top five fandoms to RP within?

TWD (even if i think the fandom itself is very toxic but that goes for most of them)

Game of Thrones / House of the Dragon

Peaky Blinders

Harry Potter

(Think I have no fifth one haha)

6. what are you top five universes to RP within?

Hmmm does that mean like the verses outside of fandoms? I hope so xD then…

Assassin

Mafia

Professor/teacher

Psychiatrist (for Alex)

Demon/dark wizard (for daemon and Tommy)

12. what was the first fandom that you roleplayed within?

Jrock fandom (back then everyone used faces of their favorite Japanese musicians which for me nowadays seems absolutely absurd xD how times can change)

19. who was the first faceclaim you remember using, who for (canon or original)?

Canon. It was Kyo from Dir en grey

20. what age range do you most enjoy playing?

Anything close to mine so around 30 but also beyond. I even like teenager stories sometimes when it connects to a story we write now

22. what have you learned by proxy of roleplaying and rp researching?

Definitely the way how rp in general works now or on tumblr. I also looked into other platforms to rp but this one is my absolute favorite. I found friends here to ask about formatting, terms, promos, tags and how u use gifs or whatever. I love that and appreciate every help any of you ever gave me cause it made me feel immediately welcome ❤️

24. what faceclaim did you start off disliking, that you ended up enjoying or even playing? how did that come about? (non problematic, a personal preference)

Matt smith. Never cared about him. Never watched anything with him. But then I saw him as Daemon and was amazed. Which is super funny cause I hated daemons character the first two episodes but as soon as he was covered in blood like Rick, negan and Tommy (yes that’s a pattern here), me and my friends were immediately like “I have to write that one”. The same literally happened about Cillian first. Never watched anything on purpose, never cared and I’m not into history or politics either so I thought I would hate peaky blinders. But then I watched it and was so amazed by his role that I absolute adore him now. Both characters were recommended for me to write tbh cause I always was like “hmmm can I do it” but my friends were very supportive so I’m very glad about these ideas ❤️ cause yeah, Tommy and daemon fit so perfectly to me and Rick and negan. Make them feral, psychopaths and covered in blood and I’m in 🤣

25. what faceclaim did you start of loving, and now loathe? (non problematic, a personal preference)

Generally musicians or anyone besides actors. It’s a moral thing for me. Like in the past when I was younger I didn’t really see a problem with using real faces and personas for rps or fanfics, but now that I’m older I have so much respect for everyone famous and their privacy, that I make a clear cut between actors (cause they play roles and I write these roles they play not them as personal human beings) and everyone else cause a musician might have a stage persona, but it’s still them so I can’t write them cause it feels like I might be doing something uncomfortable for them if they would read it. I don’t know if that makes sense but I hope you know what I mean. Also in the past i wrote fanfics with anime characters, but I wouldn’t do that anymore cause I only feel connected to real humans and not animated figures anymore. I’m also generally very picky about faceclaims as well cause I need to have a certain connection to their real persona and support their morals to write them.

[naughtycalamari]

Neues Kapitel: Alles neu macht die Mai 

Chapters: 2/? Fandom: Dir en grey, Jrock Rating: Explicit Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Characters: Die (Dir en grey), Kaoru (Dir en grey), Kyo (Dir en grey), Shinya (Dir en grey), Toshiya (Dir en grey) Additional Tags: Humor, Romance, Drama, Anal Sex, Lemon, Anal, Blow Jobs, Kinks, Hair Kink, Long Hair, Creampie, Yaoi, Catfishing, Sexting, Betrayal

[fonulyn]

what was your first ship/fandom?

i started out with jrock rpf when i stumbled into some dir en grey fics twenty years ago :'D before that i had no idea fanfic even existed lol it was a shock to say the least.

i know rpf divides opinions very strongly and honestly i'm not super into it either but it felt so different with jrock (and kpop) stuff because they all had such distinct stage personas and stage names and you didn't really know them as people, so it was easier to sorta make up characters based on them. idk if this makes sense to anyone but me but that's how i felt about it? :'D

[andurasomehow]

Glasswalk

Rating: general audiences Genre: bandfic, drama, friendship, business, anxiety Length: 1/1 -> one-shot Summary: One maybe final conversation between Kaoru and Die, who has made a tough decision concerning the band. Status: Finished.

Glasswalk

When Kaoru entered the foyer of the office complex owned by their music label, all eyes were on him. Those were gloomy looking eyes, set underneath sorrowed foreheads, looking at him like he was the last tiny glimpse of hope, even though the air was as thick as someone had already died.

The bandleader had come to know about the news when he was still on his way back from the airport since his band mates had texted him, one after another informing him of all people after realizing that he wouldn’t be able to make it on time for their maybe most important meeting ever. So they had proceeded on without him, then sending him tiny panicking messages until many of them only read two final words: Die quit.

All of his band mates except the one with the killing news looked at him as if they were saying: “Finally you’re here!”, but none of them spoke a single word. It wasn’t needed.

Instead, Kaoru just stopped for only a second while passing them by and checked the surroundings. Then his low voice stated firmly: “Where is he?”

Three pairs of eyes turned to their briefing room ahead and without further ado Kaoru just kept on walking until he arrived the room that actually had majorly big glass windows all over. He could already spot Die sitting forlorn and waiting on the couch in the farthest corner of the room. That room was fundamentally like all briefing rooms, big screen at the top of the long table with many chairs. The only exception was the small lounge at the back with just a couch and two chairs.

Kaoru didn’t hesitate to enter and when he did, Die’s gaze rose from the ground to the bandleader of whom he had waited out of decency and respect. He hadn’t been able to postpone the meeting about his declaration to quit the band when after all even Kaoru wasn’t the most important person within the construction around their band. But still, of course Die had waited to maybe, who knew, just tell him Goodbye.

Right now though, he didn’t know how to start the conversation since the actual meeting had drained him out already, but he summed up all remaining strength to address the matter one final time for good. “I guess you already know.”

One look at Die and it was easy to tell that he’d been through a hell of a tough morning, the circles underneath his eyes darker than ever. So Kaoru just crouched closer to sit on a chair and nodded. He actually didn’t know what to say either. It wasn’t the first time one of the band members was so full of it that they wanted to quit and it wasn’t a first rodeo for Kaoru to stop them from doing something stupid. But things weren’t as before. It was much more serious. This was Die who had done the quitting already and they were sitting here after his final appointment.

But typically, the bandleader’s silence could be as deafening as his talking sometimes was, and Die just sighed. “I’m sorry I couldn’t wait for you. It had to be done in time.”

“No, I’m sorry I couldn’t be here in time,” Kaoru responded almost ducking but sounding sincere. “Tommy should’ve known that I wouldn’t be able to make it when he sets a date for you…” He somewhat paused as words failed to come to his mind, “declaring…” Once again he drifted off because for him it was just the hardest thing to say.

“I quit.” Die suddenly spoke up agreeing and crossed his arms in front of his chest, his leather jacket hiding his palms but making him look so very much as if he were about to leave just now.

Inwardly Kaoru panicked at the bare thought but outwardly he tried hard to sum up all calmness he owned. If he had ever learned something from the past, then it was best to radiate stillness. “Tough. You really did, huh?”

The other guitarist just nodded because being lectured and questioned again and again had torn at his raw nerves and worn him out. He’d had enough of them all doing it during the meeting. At least Kaoru seemed much more in control if his emotions and didn’t seem to start any drama even though of course he would have questions too.

He hummed a little as he often did when contemplating and then looked straight at Die. “What are you up to now?”

But asked man just shrugged. “Nothing actually. Live my life?”

“Nah~ really?” Kaoru’s eyes narrowed with perplexity as if he were almost impressed by that simple answer. “Why leave then? Like, seriously. Why you’re quitting?”

It wasn’t the first time Die was asked that very question today and actually he was sick of explaining himself or the lies he had to add because he had been asked to do so by the management and the record label. But now here was Kaoru, trustful old bandleader, who looked at him with those innocent dark eyes and lashes batting up and down as if he had never done anything bad in the world. Of course, Die knew that his band mate was just a normal human being with good and bad sides or days but it was the utter fact that he could just sit there and look at one like an innocent boy at times even though not looking as fresh as a child. Maybe it was that mixture of a by now old man blinking his eyes, while sitting there with his legs spread, clad in dark leisure pants and a hoodie, a cap on his stubbly head, that made Die easily give in and explain himself again. This time it seemed easier at least since they were alone and he had done it before.

“It’s just that I want to be free. That’s it, nothing else.” And he shrugged, his long hair as neat and shaped into light curls as so very often, slightly moving in motion.

But Kaoru furrowed his brows this time. “That’s it?”

Which made Die sigh just a little before he took a staggered breath, looking somewhat defeated. “I don’t wanna jump into a plane anymore when some rich guy buys his wife a meeting with one of us. Maybe for once I wanna know what it’s like to celebrate my birthday with my family and friends. And besides, there’s nothing I really achieved in my life except for this band.” That was that and Die was being more honest than he had been before during the official meeting. After all he was talking to good old Kaoru-kun.

Again, the other man hummed a little. He could understand the feeling of being sold when it came to things they had to do for money since their contracts were strictest level. But Kaoru hadn’t known it’d torture Die this much. “But it’s mostly just a handshake or something…”

“Stop that, okay?” The other man already quipped in. “Don’t run that down. I’m just not you who will straight up advise me to not think about it too much, right?”

Point for Die and Kaoru wryly smiled even for just a second. “I guess.”

Despaired the rhythm guitarist leaned back and crossed his arms again. “The feeling of being sold drains me out. I’m 50 by now and shouldn’t feel like a goddamn host.”

Some of that was true, Kaoru thought to himself. He would’ve liked to say Die should’ve come to him sooner and asked for his help but if he were honest to himself then the bandleader wasn’t exactly a rebel. So he just sighed and nodded.

“Seriously, you always tell us not to think or worry but maybe because of that my life passed me by and now I have nothing but the band.” Oddly their one-on-one conversation went quickly much more profound than it had been during Die’s official declaration and he actually didn’t mind it.

“What do you mean nothing but the band? This band is so big. I’ve never even imagined it to be this big and there’s still so much more to achieve. C’mon, all over the world we’re big, bigger than X. We’ve passed by all our idols and even if sometimes Japanese bands get internationally famous, we still pass them by. What else could you want to achieve?” Maybe Kaoru just didn’t get it and his face resembled it.

“A life maybe?” It was frustrating to talk to the man himself who seemed to nothing but praise his one and only baby. Sometimes it was amusing but more often it was annoying to hear how Kaoru clasped to this band for his dear life. “There’s nothing else. I got shit done with a second band. No wife, no kids. Who knows, I could’ve at least run my own brand. Many do. But all my life goes down the drain for Dir en grey.”

By now it truly pained Kaoru to hear how Die was talking about, truth be told, his one and only baby. But also, he could understand, even if just a little. “But I thought you got a girlfriend? Is that it? You want to start a family? I mean you could run a brand any time, even besides the band. Many do.”

Purposefully Kaoru used the same term at the end because at least he was sure that Die spent enough time in a gym and maybe he should take that time to run a brand or label or whatever. But said man just shook his head and sighed annoyed by now. “Yeah, got a girlfriend and who knows I might start a family. The point is that if I do I want to have time for that family. If I do. Or if I start a brand. Or whatever else I’m gonna do. There’s nothing planned yet. But I just want time for whatever I choose to do! Don’t you get me?”

Seeing how frustrated Die got, Kaoru knew he had to step down a little, even though it still hurt him that right now this band seemed to mean nothing to his fellow guitarist. In defeat, he nodded curtly. “Yes. Yes, I know it’s a drain. It’s not that I don’t feel the same sometimes. Maybe I’m just too used to it by now.”

“Maybe. Maybe not,” the other man instantly retorted. “You must really think I wouldn’t notice that every now and then you drop a hint of wishing to just run off on a deserted island or something.”

That moment they both looked at each other and for a second Kaoru considered to play dumb but, in the end, decided against. He wouldn’t try fooling Die right now when he clearly referred to Kaoru’s wish for living in a tropical country that he dropped more often than asked for lately. “But I’m just saying this because…” He shrugged a little sheepishly even. “Just because anybody does. Or maybe because I’m really frustrated or stressed out sometimes. I admit it. But it’s not like I’m seriously considering it. While we’re getting older it seems to get harder without complaining even though actually things are going more smoothly. We got more time to do things, not traveling the whole world in one year. It’s more laid-back, I think. And I still love the traveling. Won’t you miss any of that?”

At first Die seemed to look down and contemplate but then he just shrugged. “Doesn’t matter. Even if you’re right and it’s more laid-back as you put it, then why do I feel so bad being stuck in it?” He knew those words would hit his band mate hard but Die had to say them anyway. “It’s all the same every other year and I guess you don’t mind doing it till you die but I honestly don’t think I want that.”

This time Kaoru shrugged and suddenly he got lost in defending what he craved to do until he would die. “I’ve been here before, you know? With Toshiya mostly. He’s had some bad times years ago and even Kyo was about to throw it away once or twice. So maybe I just need you to tell me that there’s really no chance of you staying. Because without you we’re over and even if I’d love to wish you all the best for the future, you do tear us apart and it fucking hurts. Of course it does. We’re done when you’re gone.”

He so wanted to be more sensitive with Die but his heart was tightening right now, Kaoru’s urge to burst from his desire for this band winning over. A part of him was hating the other man just now for shredding to pieces what they had build over so many years.

“Please,” Die pleaded considerately knowing very well what was about to come next. “I know that I’m disappointing you and the others. It’s hard enough and no easy decision. But you’re not over or done if you don’t wanna be. Replace me? It’s not the first time someone leaves a band. Show must go on.”

Not sure if Die actually wanted to be corrected on that one, he quickly dismissed the thought. He was here because he had already made the final move. This was nothing but to talk about it with yet this not so unimportant band member.

Who fairly looked baffled. “How could we?”

But Die had no answer to this one. The other members had to figure it out on their own.

Kaoru almost had to catch his breath until he could go on. “You can’t be replaced. Don’t you see that? There is no us without you.”

That’s when the younger man couldn’t just respond anything simply for the fact that he had accidentally locked eyes with Kaoru and only then realized how heartbroken and sad he was actually staring back at him. Those usually relaxed looking brown eyes were so full of silent pleas that Die had to cast his look away and reach for the bottle of water that stood on the table. He took a few sips and placed it back. “I’m sorry.”

But now the bandleader stayed silent. He leaned back as if realization had struck him and he couldn’t quite decide what to make of it. They had always relied on him even though he was more often emotional than they would’ve ever known. He was in denial and at the very same time it was dawning on him that he would indeed lose his one and only true love that was a plain band. But when he looked at Die and how devastated he seemed to be, then Kaoru couldn’t make himself hate him either.

“At least it was one hell of a ride,” he mumbled and failed miserably to smile. “We really had some good times and adventures.”

“And many at that,” Die agreed, grateful for no further argument, but hopefully lifting their spirits at least somewhat by reflecting on past memories.

“From the very beginning,” Kaoru said and this time he managed to crack a little smile, remembering how Die had basically driven the vehicle with his moving boxes from Kobe to Osaka after he had finally agreed to join their band.

“Till the very end,” Die summarized and nodded. As soon as he had spoken the words, they even sounded almost too final for him and he felt like he wanted to tell Kaoru so much more before he would leave. What better time than now when nothing actually mattered anymore and so he grinned a little. “You know, it was shit ass crazy to end up with you and that older woman in Kabuki-cho.”

Kaoru just quirked his head sideways. “Huh~?” But of course, he remembered. “You mean the woman that had cost us a fortune afterwards?”

Now the taller man just laughed soundlessly but nodded. “Yeah, would’ve been much cheaper without her.”

What made Kaoru pull a little face as he scrunched up his nose. “Wouldn’t have needed a brothel then either.”

He supposed he could show some of his humor after all when Die was digging so deep as to speak of their most intimate accidents, drunk like skunks but oh well. But the younger man had stopped laughing and was looking out of the window, deep in thought as it seemed. Only after a while he spoke up again. “Sometimes I wonder if it would’ve been better if she hadn’t been part of it.”

“Hmm?” Kaoru was confused but cool anyway. “What do you mean?”

“Like, if it had been only the two of us.” Bluntly Die stated his thought and looked the other man straight in the eye. “Do you think it would’ve changed anything?”

“Of course.” The bandleader didn’t need to think twice when it came to his answer but he still wondered where that was coming from all of the sudden. “But must’ve been like 25 years ago?”

Die dismissed the gap of years mentioned but grunted hardly audible. “Of course, huh?”

“Yeah?” Kaoru even scoffed a little as he seemed puzzled but he wasn’t exactly more nervous than before though he started to gesture with his hands like he usually did. “You can’t ask such a question after 25 years and expect me to have a better answer for you. So I say of course because it would’ve meant two instead of three. That’s a change of situation anyways.”

If they were just fooling around and kidding themselves Die would’ve rolled his eyes and grinned but now he wasn’t in the mood for that. He was indeed dead serious. “I mean more like being better friends? Or worse?”

Almost upset Kaoru looked at him and cringed. “I wouldn’t know after so many years. Maybe better friends, maybe not. Does it matter?”

A little offended Die sighed again. “Maybe? When I think of how I feel bad in a band that felt like my friends so many years back and now I go home to nothing, my friends being business partners or staff. Well, yeah, maybe I was just thinking about where we’d gone wrong.”

The oddness about the conversation as it was now, was that Kaoru felt like having Die on the hook, although he had seemed to be lost. But who knew, he could as well fall for wrong assumptions. All he knew for sure was that he even felt insulted but he tried to keep calm and steady. “Actually Die, I’ve wondered same thing many times before but because you and everyone else in this band taught me that we're no friends. It was you and them who decided that it’s better to work without occasional arguments between real friends. You wanted distance and you got it.”

Now that his fellow guitarist stayed silent, Kaoru drew in a long breath and decided to finally break some more ice since he hadn’t done that either in all those years. What could happen when he had basically already lost Die? “Indeed I come home and sometimes feel lonely. Not often because we got no time but just sometimes I think back to those times when I had this apartment, no, basically just one room and still we hung out together, all five of us, talking bullshit or playing silly video games. Not that I need that again in 20 square meters but hell, I own a house and if I want to hang out with just someone, anyone, I even have to ask on goddamn Twitter. But it’s never my own band mates who reply.”

Die was feeling being lectured and almost sulked. “I don't have Twitter.”

“I know but you don’t ask me anyway if I wanted to hang out. Basically, all of you made sure we’re no friends anymore. Don’t blame that one on me.” When Kaoru ended his firm request one could still easily see how emotionally bothered he had gotten, the round face flushed and his eyes speaking of anxiety.

And Die knew his band mate was right. That one was on them for avoiding to kill each other at some point. That had begun long ago and dared to happen time and time again until they had brought more distance to each other. It just didn’t feel right after all.

“What if we made a mistake by that?” Slowly he dared to speak even more freely. “We’ve found and formed ourselves and then traveling the world made us stick together again. Even now at least the two of us hang out overseas. It’s the only thing I might miss.”

In all the many years Dir en grey existed Kaoru had never really heard Die being truly melancholic or sentimental. Not around the bandleader anyway. He usually kept it down to being his buddy of some sort, light-hearted, not dwelling, hardly ever teasing or a tiny bit caring when it came to his fellow guitarist. So when Die said he might miss hanging out with Kaoru, then it meant more than one would think. At least the bandleader instantly captured this in his worried mind and even showed a kind but tiny smile.

“I’m gonna miss that too. And you are my friend after all. Just…” Only on rare occasions Kaoru truly wore his heart on his tongue and the situation caused by Die was certainly worth it. But it was tough finding and speaking some words as they just wouldn’t come out easily. “It’s hard. Because you’re right. This band is everything to me and I consider it my child. So as your band mate I don’t want you to leave but tell you to stay and keep on going. But,” he paused, even sniffing curtly as he did so, before taking a deep breath. “As your friend I just want you to be happy and I wish you all the best in this world for whatever you’re gonna do.”

Maybe the rare affection within those words made Die unable to respond, just looking at his own hands for a while. He croaked a silent thank you and tried to breathe less rapidly, his heart rate having increased during the conversation.

“I’m just so confused,” he rasped suddenly and rubbed a palm across his face.

Kaoru didn’t dare saying anything as a glimpse of hope wracked him inwardly. He clenched his teeth just so he wouldn’t speak up before he was sure whether or not Die would continue. If only he knew what to do and if it were the right thing at that. Only as the other man seemed to gain composure instead of talking it was time for Kaoru to do or die. “Is there really, really not a chance of you staying? Because if you’re not a 100% sure, then I can certainly help? With whatever it is. No matter if it’s working on being better friends or building something up like a brand. Or if you need time for your girl to grow a family.”

“Oh my god,” Die just sighed sounding more than annoyed and also a little aggravated. “I’m not even sure if I’m gonna keep the girlfriend. Just stop making up things. It’s actually… maddening! It’s the same shit again as you do all the time, clinging to your goddamn band. This is nothing about me, is it?”

“What? I…” Kaoru was caught off-guard, any words failing to express because he did anything but understand the matter right now. Obviously all he could do was the wrong thing. But it drove him up the walls too, not just Die. “This is about you! Who else would this be about?”

Even more frustrated than this morning Die just got up and ran a hand along his hair. It really wasn’t easy with Kaoru when it came to his love for this forsaken band. At least the younger guitarist thought so when he was standing here and hoping that he would mean more than being a social project within that weird group. “No, it is not about me! It is about the band and you just can’t lose it! You cling to it for your life and it’s okay, really, but as a part of your dear band you don’t wanna lose me. Just for once I wanna mean more than a fifth of a whole. I am me! I only got this one life and if it doesn’t mean the world to you, it’s okay. But it’s all I got, you see?”

Wildly gesturing, Die seemed to desperately want Kaoru to understand. And he did to some extent. After all he wasn’t deaf or dumb. Which is why he also understood that he had sounded like he usually used to, praised his band, not wanting to lose that fifth. But it hadn’t been his intention and if only he could make Die see that. “Yeah Die, I’m dying when losing the band, it’s true. I’m being a pathetic egoist when asking you to stay. But as I admit that, you gotta admit that you’re too blind to see that it’s not just about a fifth anymore. Because I want you to stay! Not anybody or a fifth of something but you. And even if you left, I’d want to help you if there’s something I could help you with. I just really don’t wanna lose you!”

By now Kaoru had stood up as well, trying hard not to fumble as wildly as he usually would but while talking still getting so very much emotional that he had to hold himself back from whining. He doubted though that he was sounding sincere instead of desperate.

Hearing the final words, Die almost broke. Shit he could contain anymore. He had fooled himself when he thought he really could stop his emotions from spilling when for once Kaoru wouldn’t play the untouchable kind. But he hadn’t even thought of the possibility itself happening. Now here they were and the bandleader had dropped that one special line that made Die almost snap. He dragged his nose up and tried hard not to quiver when speaking.

“Me? You just have no idea about me and how I feel.” With trembling hands he pointed at his own chest in an attempt to emphasize the feelings within himself. “If only Kaoru… But it’s not the same feelings within you,” he spoke sniffing and reached out to lightly touch the other man’s chest with just the tip of his index finger, before continuing: “As there is inside me.” And he even forced a sad smile as he laid his palm on his own chest again while water had welled up in his eyes that he would not allow to flow.

But then, anything but expected, his hand was covered by Kaoru’s who stared up at him straight in the eyes. “I don’t know if there’s the same inside you as inside me. I can’t know that.” Trustful, again. Sincere as well. He so much mirrored Die’s expression but only softer, warmer, so very kind. “But there’s a chance.”

And that made the taller man break, giving in and trembling all over, his tears suddenly sliding down his cheeks. He didn’t know if he was just so drained that he couldn’t hold back or if it was the mere touch of Kaoru’s hand. Because they didn’t touch. Ever.

Another hand captured him, he could feel it on his shoulder as he was pulled into a hug. And that they never did either. Not Die and Kaoru. Maybe that was reason enough for his tears to run freely, his body slowly giving in and almost slumping against the bandleader’s not less firm frame.

Thirty years almost and Die had never cried in front of Kaoru. Had never been held either. Had never allowed to let his emotions display freely. But it was to no avail if he thought he could stop himself, instead crying for what he was worth and clinging to the other man like one much too big child. He could feel Kaoru’s arms hugging him more tightly, one hand on his back stroking.

Likely, he would say something, anything that would make him feel less awkward and tiny, so very weak in this moment. But Die had no words when all he could do was to let his tears just flow for a while. And, of course, enjoy the other man holding him of all people.

It was caring and soft, and after some time his low voice rumbled with comfort. “We’ll figure it out.”

Strangely it was soothing, even if Die didn’t quite know what Kaoru was addressing. The band again, or finally, whatever it was that made the younger guy so desperately wish that his band mate mirrored his feelings. He felt like having them kept away much too long when being in this embrace. But for now he allowed himself to believe that it was finally understood that he longed for only Kaoru to feel the same way as Die did about him, and probably also their band.

“We’ll figure it out,” Kaoru’s low voice muttered again as the other man lifted his head after what felt like an eternity and his eyes looked all puffy and red. But the older man just nodded reassuringly and tried a gentle smile all the while still stroking along Die’s arms.

“I’m sorry,” he sniffed and tried to gain some composure, though his pride was gone anyway.

Kaoru stopped all movement and just looked up at the taller man. “Why don’t we leave and go somewhere else? Just you and me. Talking or sitting. Hanging out.”

Admittedly Die liked the idea. Right in this very moment all that was remaining was confusion anyway. That and the need to have Kaoru by his side. His head felt so full and empty at the same time. And also he felt ashamed of having cried but then again he didn’t care. Though, when looking at the glass windows that separated them from the foyer, Die wasn’t sure if he wanted to leave right now. “I don’t want them to see I’ve cried.”

“Isn’t that what you got your sunglasses for?” Kaoru dared to drop a small joke and showed a crooked smile while Die was wiping across his face with his palm.

Soon enough the bandleader snatched his iPhone from out of his pocket and dialed the usual number when he needed a quick drive.

“Car’s gonna be there in five,” he informed afterwards and checked on Die who was now wearing his sunglasses, a dreadful sigh leaving his lips though.

“I’m sure they’ve seen me through the windows and will ask stupid questions now.” There was a little pout on Die’s lips and if Kaoru had to bet, he’d be sure his friend was rolling his eyes behind those glasses.

“Nobody’s gonna ask questions when I’m gonna make them get lost,” the older man assured and trust him, he could certainly do that if he wanted to. “Let’s get you home.”

He was about to go when Die again stopped in his tracks and shook his head. “I don’t wanna go home.”

So Kaoru just quirked an eyebrow. “Then let’s hang out at mine?”

After all there was no need to ask Die through Twitter. And the taller man smiled, for now, then nodded and followed his bandleader.

Even if nothing was settled, the decision to quit still made, doubts had arisen, things were as unclear as never been before, for now it was good as it was. For now there he was, Die, about to hangout with Kaoru, who was happy for the mere fact. That’s all that mattered.

The end.

Notes: Titled after a song by Bury Tomorrow. 💜

[hydewienydaidai]

Ahhh hai kyooo~~ chotto matte 🥺

Hurry up… die!

[irasciblempress]

I wrote another Die/Toshiya fic lololololol