#dillweed rants

[dillweedshole]

can i just come clean about some shit- who fucking cares you know i'm gonna anyway

i fucking hate some parts of social media. someone who's content i like posts 'who wants to be moots :3' and like yeah, i'd like another art mutual, so i reply, no response, that's fine it's a fresh tweet.

oh what's this? a good chunk of my other mutuals reply and instantly get responses and followed back.

so like... do i need STATUS in order to even get the privilege of any response???? not even a "sorry i don't like your content it stinks" just silence.

i should be clear: my problem ISN'T "i can't be friends with the popular guy? bro.. cringe!" it's that it feels like i need status to get my voice heard at all. i don't WANT the things that having status does to you but i don't have a choice if i just wanna GET A REPLY from SOME DUDE???

it's a little demotivating, no? you gotta be a certain rank of popular before you even get recognized as being worth someone's time is what it feels like.

thing is: i am an EXTREMELY SELFISH man. it's not exactly what i WANT to know myself as but that's kind of necessary for situations like these. this isn't anything to get upset over for anyone else BUT ME, which ticks me off the most, because it makes me jealous of the people who DON'T get affected by this shit. a normal guy is in this spot, he'd be all "well shucks better luck next time" and i'm out here grinding my teeth regretting the day i was born.

[ani-coolgirl]

So how’s this whole thing work? I’ve been lurking on this site for years and I barely know how it functions. Whatever, UNFILTERED THOUGHTS, LET’S GO:

Why is it so hard to write fic for an episode that makes it so easy? The Monster at the End of This Book (04x17) makes the most hilarious of tropes a reality: characters reading fanfiction about themselves. And yet, with this golden opportunity in my lap comes the indecisiveness. It is inherently and absurd scenario which you’d think would call for levity. Yet, on the other hand, the episode is hardly light (despite being one of three episodes on the whole series where no one dies) being one of the more literal examples of the boys being presented with the idea of an inescapable fate. So, do I linger on the truly bizarre notion that they can look up porn of them doing the incestuous nasty at any time? Or to get hyper-fixated on the fact that Dean says straight to Sam’s face that he’s afraid he’ll go darkside? Or do I some how manage to marry both things together and pray it doesn’t turn into a tonal shitshow?

Look, I know he’s actually God and a ultimately a huge dillweed but... I get why Chuck drinks.

(Note, eventually post a huge rant about Chuck’s character development and why I have problems with it at some point.)

[raineydaywrites]

Nesting Chapter 11

Chapter Summary: We're getting closer to canon, y'all. So have a surprise Barry appearance! Things are starting to move fast around here.

Okay. Maybe they should have waited a little longer to buy some of this stuff. Taako's room was hard to navigate now with all the baby stuff all over the place. Besides which, all of it was a constant reminder of his situation- one that was proving to be quite unwelcome.

Taako hadn't expected that. It wasn't like he could forget what was going on, whether or not there was a bunch of visual reminders all over the place. But it seemed that he'd managed to block it out at least sometimes, given how much more aware of it he was now.

The fact that he was showing probably didn't help with that either. No matter what Lup said, Taako could tell that he was showing. And it was only getting more and more obvious as time went on. Maybe not enough for any stranger on the street to tell, but it was getting there.

His clothes didn't fit like they were supposed to anymore. It was incredibly frustrating, because Taako liked to look good, and he'd collected his stash of clothing because it looked good, and now, suddenly, it didn't look good anymore.

Some of it was still fine, obviously, but his wardrobe felt like it had suddenly shrunk down to a fraction of its previous size, and there was nothing he could do about it. It was only going to get worse over the next several months.

The nausea was starting to pass- fucking finally- but it hadn't disappeared completely, and it was hardly the only annoying thing about this whole experience. He felt like he was constantly starving or exhausted, and his body hurt, and sometimes he couldn't seem to think at all.

One day after class, a professor asked to speak with him, and he knew it was about the sudden decline in the quality of his work. He had been forgetting stuff a lot recently, making dumb, careless mistakes, and it was costing him, especially considering that he was too tired to catch those mistakes a lot of the time.

She did surprise him with how she asked it though.

"Mr. Taako, is there anything going on in your personal life that may be impacting your ability to keep up with the work? I am very open to making arrangements and accommodations to help my students in these situations," she said, voice soft and careful.

Taako figured that it wouldn't hurt anything to tell her. He'd be unable to hide it soon enough anyway, and if it could buy him some pity points so he could have an easier time with his classwork, then he wasn't afraid to play on her sympathy.

"Yeah, so, I'm pregnant," he said, the words coming out with more difficulty than he'd anticipated, but whatever. It was said. "The whole thing has been rough and I'm having trouble with some things I wasn't before."

The professor began to make sympathetic noises as soon as Taako started explaining, a look on her face that suggested that she wasn't all that surprised, and Taako added another tally to his mental "told you so, Lup" checklist.

"I understand. I had two difficult pregnancies myself," she said. "We do have resources for our student parents, if you need them. Accommodations can be made to ensure you can keep up with your work and your learning. And I for one, am very willing to meet with you to help ensure that you are able to complete my course."

"Yeah, chill, that'd be great," Taako nodded.

"Why don't you come by my office hours sometime this week, and I'll help connect you with the office that handles these things, and we can work out a plan for this course. In the meantime, and for your other classes, is there anyone in your life who can help with these things? A friend or family that could look over your work for simple errors and such would be a boon in itself. Pregnancy brain is no joke," she laughed despite the words.

"Got a sister, yeah. And a friend," Taako shrugged, because he couldn't believe that he hadn't thought of that before. Of course Lup would help with this shit.

He couldn't believe that he hadn't thought about all the sympathy points he could get from this pregnancy situation before now. He was doing something fucking hard, and he deserved those sympathy points. Lup wasn't going to begrudge him lazing around on the couch like this, and it was plain common courtesy to offer pregnant people stuff like seats on public transit and whatever the fuck, he didn't usually pay that much attention.

Yeah, no, he was cashing in on that for sure.

-

When Taako and Lup entered their magic theory classroom, there was someone other than their professor standing behind the podium.

"Creesh, who's that?" Lup hissed, leaning forward to whisper the question to Lucretia.

"Dr. Bluejeans," she whispered back.

"Okay, and why is he here?" Taako asked.

"I don't know. I know nothing about him," Lucretia shrugged.

"You knew his name, though," Taako pointed out.

Lucretia turned to face them at that, specifically so that they could watch as she raised her eyebrows at them incredulously.

"It's written on the board," she said.

Oh. Yeah, sure enough, "Guest Speaker Dr. Bluejeans" was written in the prof's handwriting on the board. Taako was just glad Lup didn't notice either, so that he wasn't alone in that bit of obliviousness.

Though, really, if Lup had noticed, he could have just chalked it up to pregnancy brain. That was an excuse that he already knew he was going to miss when he couldn't use it anymore. Instant understanding was less forthcoming when your excuse was "I have ADHD" or "I'm just a dumbass," the other primary excuses he had on the table for these situations.

Dr. Bluejeans looked a tiny bit uncomfortable standing in front of the crowd of students, fidgeting with his papers and rocking back and forth on his heels as he waited for class to officially begin.

Lup craned her head, trying to get a look at- yep, he was in fact, wearing blue jeans, and she grinned to herself. God, she couldn't decide which was better: if he had been born with that name, meaning there was a whole Bluejeans clan out there in the world somehow, or if he had, like, full out changed his name because of his love for this particular sartorial choice.

The minute the clock ticked over to the start of class, their prof began to speak, moving from one of the front row seats to stand beside the guest speaker.

"Class, this is my colleague, Dr. Barry Bluejeans," he introduced.

God, the full name was even better. Lup fought to not let her face split into a ridiculous grin, but upon exchanging a look of amusement with Taako, knew that she was failing. She shouldn't have let herself look at Taako, because shit was always funnier when she was sharing it with him.

She shoved the grin down and tried to focus.

"I have asked him to speak with you today as he is this Institute's premiere expert on bond magic, a pioneering field that you should all expect to hear much more about in the upcoming years. I expect you all to treat him with the same respect you would show me."

"Not exactly difficult to clear that bar," Taako whispered to Lup, and she snorted, before elbowing him in the side.

"Shush! Poor nerd already looks terrified," she said, tilting her head toward the guest lecturer.

He must not teach many classes, or at least, not big lectures if he was this awkward and nervous about speaking with all of them. But if his field was so new and specialized, as prof had implied, that might make sense. Probably he was more used to doing his research and maybe teaching some smaller, high-level classes.

"Hello, everyone," Dr. Bluejeans greeted, offering them a sweet smile. "As Professor Dillon said-"

"Okay, I like him," Taako said to her, gesturing to where their prof was making a sour face at the title Bluejeans had used for him.

Bluejeans seemed oblivious to it, but Lup knew exactly what the face was for. Professor Dillweed had gone on a rant a time or two before about the fact that "doctor" was his preferred title over "professor" and how it was 'disrespectful' to not use it.

Nobody really listened to that, with even some of the fresh-out-of-high-school and suck-up students switching it out occasionally. Lup and Taako only ever used "professor", if they were even that nice about it.

The lecture was actually really fascinating, and Lup found herself leaning forward in excitement as Bluejeans talked about his work.

Lucretia was rapidly taking notes, and Lup for sure planned to ask her to look it over later, because she wanted a record of this stuff. It was really interesting.

Even Taako was pulled out of his 'too cool' attitude by the lecture a bit, and Lup saw some of the nerdier facets of her brother's personality peek out a bit. He never liked to admit to that, but Taako was a total nerd for cool magic shit, and Lup could see how much the new topic was drawing him in.

It helped that Bluejeans was so obviously invested in his work himself. He clearly loved the topic, and it made it a whole lot more interesting to listen to than Dillon's droning on about the different types and properties of magic.

"If you would like to learn more about bond magic, I teach a specialized course on the subject- MAS 375- which will be offered next semester. We'll be discussing the properties of bond magic and its usage in everything from everyday spellwork to advanced technology. There's actually a very fascinating project ongoing to utilize bond magic to power an engine- I can't speak too much on the matter now, but it's very exciting," Bluejeans explained. "Oh! And I also teach in the necromancy department!"

He seemed like he was about to go off on another tangent about that, when he noticed the clock tick over to end the class.

"Looks like we're out of time, everybody. Thanks for your time!" Bluejeans said, waving cheerily at everyone as he began to pack up his bag.

A number of students had started moving to the front of the class to speak to the guy, and Taako watched as Lup's eyes flickered over to him curiously as well.

"I gotta talk to Dillon about some shit," Taako said. "Go ahead and bother the nerd."

"I'd like to thank Dr. Bluejeans for the lecture. We can talk to him together," Lucretia offered, turning to Lup and smiling nervously.

Taako fought the urge to roll his eyes, gathering his stuff as Lup and Lucretia headed off to do that.

The classroom emptied out pretty quickly, which Taako appreciated. He didn't love the idea of talking about this where anyone could overhear, but he had to do it, and he didn't want to spend any more time around Dillon than he needed, which meant not making an appointment or anything.

By the time Taako made his way over to Dillon, Lup and Lucretia were speaking with Bluejeans, and most everyone else had left. There were a few students lingering to add in to whatever conversation was happening over there, but most everyone, especially the non-majors had left.

"Hey, Professor Dillon?" Taako asked, trying to keep it relatively professional without actually being respectful, since he was about to ask this guy to do something for him and all.

"Yes, Mr. Taako?" Dillon asked, and Taako did not love the way that he looked at him, all condescending-like.

"I'm pregnant. Got some accommodations for it. Here's the info," Taako said, reaching into his bag to pull out the very official looking and very crumbled form he'd been given to share with his professors.

Dillon took it, wrinkling his nose, and Taako could just tell that the guy was judging him, and he would say something if the dude wasn't, like, in charge of his grades and shit.

"I see. Well, I'm not exactly sure what you expect me to do for you, but-"

Bluejeans walked over at that moment, interrupting Dillon to say, "Oh, Wyatt, if you'd like, I can provide some of my notes on how to alter a lesson plan for accommodations like these! It can be a little complicated, I know, but I'm happy to help. The Office for Student Health has some great resources too. It's really awesome how committed the Institute is to supporting our students, isn't it?"

Taako glanced back toward Lup and Lucretia, wondering if they'd caught all that too, only to find them watching Bluejeans with surprised and pleased expressions. From how they were standing, it kind of looked like Bluejeans had walked over in the middle of the conversation to say that, and Taako tried to keep his expression neutral, instead of the smug look he wanted to give.

"Yes, you're right, of course. I would be so glad to receive those notes, Barry," Dillon said, through somewhat gritted teeth and a forced smile. Taako was pretty sure the usage of the guy's name was intended to sound disrespectful, knowing dickheads as well as he did, but it was pretty weak considering that Bluejeans had used Dillon's name first.

"Wonderful. I'll send them over right away. We'll set up a meeting to talk it over, yeah?" Bluejeans said, smiling and looking for all the world like a friendly colleague instead of the asshole he clearly was.

Not like Taako minded though. He was being an asshole on his behalf, after all, and Taako's favorite people all tended to be assholes, so he was mostly just amused.

"So, we're done here, yeah?" Taako asked Dillon, because if he didn't get out of this conversation, he was going to laugh in the guy's face, and that wasn't gonna earn him any favors, he knew.

"Yes, I do believe so," Dillon said, turning away and picking up his own bags to walk out of the lecture hall.

"I, uh, hope you don't mind me interrupting like that," Bluejeans said, rubbing a hand over the back of his neck, suddenly looking a bit nervous.

"Nah, dude, that was great," Taako said, waving off the apology before the guy could even finish saying it.

"Nice! Dillon's such an ass, amiright?" Lup said, throwing one hand up for a high five, which Bluejeans quickly but nervously reciprocated.

"Listen, I don't want to pry, but if he's being a dick or anything about all this, you can contact the department and they'll sort it out. Dillon is an old-fashioned sort, but he has tenure, so he feels comfortable being shitty. But there's still lines he can't cross," Bluejeans explained, before digging in his pocket and pulling out his wallet. "In fact, here's my card. Got my number, my office, all that good shit. If he does anything, tell me and we can figure it out."

Taako took the card, because like hell was he gonna turn down free help. The guy seemed pretty genuine in his desire to help too, and Taako appreciated the offer, even if he wasn't sure if he'd ever feel a need to take it.

"Thanks, man," Taako said, before turning back to Lup. "So we good to go now, or?"

"I think so, yeah." Lup agreed, turning to Lucretia, "See ya, Luce!" She also offered a beaming smile and a wave at Bluejeans as they left. "You're great! We'll talk later, yeah?"

Bluejeans didn't seem to know quite what to say to that, just nodding and waving as Taako and Lup made their escape.

[heartscfvalor]

@plasticdetective​:  💋 4 gavin~ (/ listen, i always wanted to see this happen, at least once- )

(*)

“--And I was like, ‘who does this fucker think he is?’ I’m tellin’ ya, you try to be nice to some dillweed and it comes back to bite you in the ass, I’m not even kidding.” Forty minutes and Gavin was still ranting. It seemed like he was aiming for the world record of how long it would take for him to bitch about everything that went wrong so far today, but hey! Venting was cathartic.

“I don’t even get why we gotta have contacts, like, come on these idiots are still criminals, it seemed unfair that we can only let them go with a fucking warning and then they fuck off to do some other illegal bullshit knowing we can’t touch ‘em because they make good informants. Like, that’s what spy shit is for! We could use spy shit--!”

Before Gavin could keep going, Connor was pulling him sideways on the couch, planting a firm but gentle kiss against his mouth to shut him up. When they pulled back, the android looked far too smug, and Gavin just blinked a little before rolling his eyes, smirking. “Rude. Alright fine, I’ll drop it.”

[termitate]

☂ - favorite season?, ✘ - hates?, ♛ - favorite hair color?

☂ - favorite season?

spring !! 

♛ - favorite hair color?

i love when people dye their hair fun colors, my favorite are like soft pastel colors or bright reds and blues. i also like that really platinum blond and i like silvers! 

PUTTING THIS UNDER READ MORE BECAUSE I WENT ON A MESSY RANT

✘ - hates?

let me get serious for a second because i think this is a bigger issue than i was aware of. there’s a subreddit called ‘illnessfakers’ and they “”””call out”””” youtubers or social media influencers i guess you would say and claim that they’re faking their illnesses for money and such. and it’s disgusting to see honestly, like even the reasons they come up with for them “faking” it are so dumb they don’t even know what it’s like to be chronically ill and can’t even grasp the concept of every second of your life being in pain or what it’s like to have your life controlled by something you have no control over.

or maybe they do have some sort of illness and that’s what makes them feel so entitled but honestly??? if you’re someone who’s dealt with/dealing with a chronic condtion of any kind and see someone struggling but still getting money and decide that they’re faking it? you are truly a person that needs to take time to educate yourself and learn some empathy.

and what i want to say is what my mom tells people with me: you don’t live with her, you don’t see her every day, so you don’t know what she’s feeling

i hate the fact that these people have taken it upon themselves to put themselves on this high pedestal to “call out” people who have these conditions and most likely have been told things like ‘you’re faking it’ or ‘it can’t be that bad’ for a long time to begin with

i also hate the fact that one of my favorite youtubers who gave me a lot of hope for the future and gave a positive but honest look at chronic illnesses has been the subject of these cretins and unfortunately and devastatingly she passed away recently. and now i’ve seen people saying that ‘ she did it to herself because she got treatment she shouldn’t have ‘ and it makes me so upset i cry because i can’t imagine her having to see all these dillweeds saying she was faking it while she was in the hospital and while she was dying.

on that point this youtuber, chronically jaquie, was amazing and made me think differently about being disabled and gave me a lot of hope and smiles and i’ll be forever grateful to her for that

BASICALLY IF YOU AREN’T A DOCTOR AND HAVE NEVER EVEN MET SOMEONE IRL IT’S NOT YOUR BUSINESS AND YOU DON’T HAVE ANY RIGHT TO FEEL JUSTIFIED IN STARTING RUMORS ABOUT ANYONE

yes there are people who”fake it” but that should be up to their DOCTORS to diagnose and help them try and learn to cope and deal with that mental illness because, if you take time to research factitious disorders, munchausens in particular seems to be their interest, that they don’t know the exact cause of this but it’s common belief that the people that suffer with it are victims of abuse and/or neglect as children and what they need is a doctor who cares and doesn’t write them off and wants to get them the help they deserve. they don’t deserve to be torn a part by the internet, that’s not going to help them. even if people who “fake it” make the community as a whole look worse we need to understand and recognize that these people are truly suffering from a serious mental condition.

all i know is when i first got sick i was very scared and very isolated from my family and peers. i lost all my friends AND THAT’S NOT THEIR FAULT IT’S MINE AS WELL and i have a lot of family members and family friends that don’t like me simply because my mom puts me first (even if i would appreciate if she would stop using me as an excuse now that i’m older).

what happened was that everyone except my mom made me think that i was purposefully making myself pass out somehow and purposefully throwing up no matter what i ate. i was at the point i started praying for something to be seriously wrong with me, not to prove them wrong entirely, but so that it would kill me and i wouldn’t have to deal with the pain anymore.

and maybe i do exaggerate some things but i know dang well that every day i do my best to be smiley and happy no matter how i’m feeling because i got sick and tired of being miserable all the time. 

also there’s no shame in taking pain pills or any other medication. i don’t take them because i don’t notice a difference and the stronger ones i didn’t like how they made me feel--but i don’t think any less of people who do their best to do what they can to make their life more manageable for them. 

and again, something common i’ve seen amongst people who have chronic illness is this: fake it till you make it. so what you see of people online might be the best of the worst or the best of the best.

and another thing PEOPLE SHOULDNT HAVE TO PROVE THEY’RE SICK BY BEING THE STEREOTYPE OF WHAT WE SEE IN THE MEDIA. chronic illness can happen to anyone. anyone. 

and life is hard enough for them so please get off your high horse and learn some empathy and respect.

// distract me please

[invinciblerodent]

*whispers* I never was able to reach a point where I really liked Re//yes and the fandom making him their can-do-no-wrong darling isn't helping :/ I don't understand why he gets all the love when there's Liam who is 1) charming in a goofball way and 2) actually trying to help others and do good. Even if we go by superficial things, Liam is cute and has a sexy foreign (at least to me) accent. Like. Is it the bad boy thing? I don't get it. Sorry for the mini rant lol, I'm just bitter I guess...

oh sweetheart, darling, honeybunch, you know why, you just don’t want to think it either because the most obvious reason is just depressing to think about

Honestly I was never much into the “bad boy” vibes at all either… like I get the whole thing about confidence and whatnot, but I’ve always found warmth and gentleness to be more attractive qualities. I’m just sad that again what was initially indifference and… I would say scholarly interest (if that didn’t make me sound like a pretentious dillweed), is slowly being pushed towards dislike by the overwhelming peer approval and oversimplification. :\

Idk man. I don’t want to slag the character or those who like him, he IS interesting and I realize that the mlm options are grossly limited so many just kinda have to make it work, but for me the “eeeenggghhh” starts when all of the interesting moral questions are painted over with a black-and-white, “he is a misunderstood good guy and she is the devil incarnate who deserves to die” thing in favor of turning what could make for a fascinating narrative about attraction and principle clashing into… well. A futuristic remake of Grease. With guns.

[frostybirdgoddess]

Fu-u-u-u-u-u-u-uuuck

[j-lombardo-artist-blog]

I hate hate

I don't like to hate popular things. It seems like just about everyone hates Jersey Shore, Twilight, Justin Bieber, or more recently, Fortnite. It's not just that people hate these things, it's that the hated thing always finds a way into discussion. "Oh my god, I just HATE #Fortnite! Those stupid kids doing those stupid dances? #EEW!!" Newsflash, dillweed: you ain't special.

In this 500+ word rant, I will defend various celebrities, media, and other stuff the sheeple have decided to hate to make themselves feel better. Here's the theme song for this post, it really sets the mood:

1: Justin Bieber I don't know what kind of self-righteous assgoblins decided that some 17-year-old kid was worthy of the kind of ridicule ‘Beebs faced throughout his career. Probably the same embittered deuchebags who think that harassing 10 to 14-year-old girls over twitter is a good use of time. To be fair, JB became kind of a jerk at some points, probably due in part to the nonstop hate-train waiting to run him over at every chance it got. Maybe they didn't like 'Baby' being played nonstop on the radio, but it's not like he decided when to play it. Besides, that's why God invented the classic rock station.

2: Jersey Shore If you don't like it, don't watch it. If you don't watch it, don't whinge about it to everybody who'll listen (and everybody who won't). If you do this, you are being as annoying as the show you claim to hate. In fact, apply this to everything else in the list.

Related: my reaction to people bringing up Jersey Shore:

3: Fortnite Fortnite has what are called "lootboxes," a system in which players pay in-game or real money to have a chance at getting something they want. That could be a character upgrade, cosmetic things, or some sort of bonus. If they don't get the thing they want, well they can always try again. This system has been compared to gambling, and is a legal gray area in several European countries. This is a perfectly legitimate reason to dislike Fortnite and other games that rely on Lootboxes, especially ones marketed toward children. Now, there's a pretty good chance that you didn't know this. There's also a pretty good chance you also hate Fortnite dances in school, kids chattering about this game nonstop, or just how much time Jr. spends at the 'x-bocks' playing this game. If this describes how you feel, ask yourself: do you hate Fortnite, or do you just not like kids? If it's the latter, don't feel bad. Neither do I.

4: Twilight 2010 called, it wants its easy target back. Also, here’s a video:

5: Feminists: Look, I don't want to get REEE'd at by a horde of unwashed neckbeards, so let's just leave it at this. Feminism is defined as: 1 : the theory of the political, economic, and social equality of the sexes 2 : organized activity on behalf of women's rights and interests (Merriam-Webster)

That's all, I guess. In summary, I dislike how people hate anything popular to make themselves feel superior to others. There, rant over.

Now here's something we all can agree to hate:

[twisted-petal]

Death Continued: Part 4

FB vent post: I thought I could handle this on my own but I just can't... I've only told one person and I wanted it to stay that way, but after everything - fuck it. I'm going to vent and everyone can just fuck off. None of you were there for me when I needed someone at all last year, and I won't have any backtracking bullshit. No. I did not ask for help with this specifically because IT'S FUCKING DIFFICULT TO TALK ABOUT TO EVEN THOSE I TRUST THE MOST, which I suppose isn't saying much. Clearly I have trust issues. I have typed up similar posts and personal messages a million times since this happened, and I still don't know if I'll post this one... I never know what I want to say or how much detail to go into or how much this could hurt me further or whatever. I just keep hoping this will be another ignored post. Any time I try to vent or ask for help or whatever it is, I'm just accused of begging for attention or whiny or whatever and I get bitched at... Not my intent, though I wouldn't have complained too much. So fuck you. Imma bitch. At least getting the words out helps... Yes. This is a boo-hoo emo love story. Yes. I firmly believe I did this to myself and everything surrounding this is all my fault, despite the nagging instict to avoid cliches and stereotypes, or fuckin' - whatever. AND THAT MEANS I DON'T WANT TO HEAR ANY OF THAT SHIT AFTER I POST THIS. I've heard it all. It doesn't help. I UNDERSTAND AND APPRECIATE THE EFFORT AND SENTIMENTS, but it just doesn't click with me. I wish it did. Just not what I need... Aaaaannnd yes there are still people I'm hiding this from. I know they won't keep their mouth shut, and the entire reason I went to Portland for a week was to keep the one person who knew any of this, from digging up my ex's name and calling the police (even with this ONE person, I couldn't talk about my "BF". I wasn't allowed. Even when he *did* allow me to give us a couple status). So let's start this shit off with a bit of backstory: I have a bleeding heart; fucking hate everyone, but I never stop caring or loving (and yes, if you even made it this far, this means you). Quick to love, slow to forget. When I love I put my all into everything, and I try to ask for little in return: Be honest, be respectful, and gimmer all the attentions (And put up with my bitchin'. Because if I don't vent I explode and I had 2 major anxiety attacks and 1 minor, within the last 3 months of the year.); keep me happy, take care of me, and you can have anything you want. I spoil the FUCK out of my partners as best I can (I hope you saw this...). Some of you know of one or two of these incidents: those who know of my trip to the emergency clinic in Portland (morning after the Grump Live show... Which was rad!), and the others who know of my collapse just last week before the move. Aaaannnywho... More to the point of all this... Very few of you know who I was... with(?) all last year, and that is because he didn't want people to know. At first I understood because I can be the same in wanting to keep most personal things, well, personal. As time passed, the way he treated me grew worse (primarily verbal/emotional), and in the bedroom... I tried to play along... Granted... I loved him. I wanted to be my best for him. It's what I do... But I realized that's all that mattered. My gifts, food, money, attention, heart, support, effort... Nothing else I did was ever recognized; At least, I seldom felt any appreciation outside of my bed. We were only ever in my room, unless we passed each other at work, which was rare even if he actually told me his schedule. The convenience of his department was nice until he screwed me the first time... He worked right in my path! I worked there 3 years before him and I was not about to change my route to and from the breakroom! Grr! Making me too stubborn to avoid his stupid face... And the sentimental fuck that I am doomed myself right then and there. Well, all this BS continued the entire year, yet we were never actually a couple. And don't get me wrong, there is a great deal about this dillweed to enjoy (ex: humorous, witty, kinda smart, fairly talented, cute, interesting; whatever), but it wasn't about my love for him or how he repeatedly broke my heart as if he were shootin' for a Gods damn Platinum Trophy. It's a bit about the shittiest year I've dredged through, and a bit about how much smoother that shit would have slipped by had he just been there for me when he promised he would. Just *once*. Instead of breaking down all the self esteem I had been working so diligently to build, by shredding into every little detail I had come to accept with who and what I am; or tossing me aside like his used cum rag. Just to get his dick wet and stay alpha. He would promise and swear until it would be too late for me to find help elsewhere. Every so often he would do something for me (for a "fee"). Just enough to keep me hoping and trying again, and eventually I could follow his patterns and try to get some safety nets up. Didn't stop whatever happened from hurting, of course. And he did this with everything! Pushing my hope to the limits... Dragging me along. There was always an excuse as to why I was the best but could never be officially "his girl". His slutty ex being his number one excuse, and of course he never told me the full story, if he ever spoke a fraction of the truth. If any of you remember my post about never making someone feel like shit for not wanting children? That came from him telling me I had no choice. I am female. I must breed. After whining and complaining to win me back, he told me that he couldn't accept me unless I gave him a child. Even though he reassured me when we first started talking that he had his son and that's all he needed. Which was a *major* relief to me because I told him I never want children, and medically I may never be able to. Win-win!... Then he started talking with the mother and they want a brother for him... So that made me useful... Though, I was never allowed to meet them. So the options he presented me: Agree to give him a child and he'll finally accept me as "his girl", or no child and he goes back to the mother he can't get along with to go knock her up again (according to him, she refused to ever sleep with anyone else, because he was her first). There is a massive chance I could never give birth, and he did everything he could to make me feel like shit because I couldn't (and didn't) want to give his son a sibling... B'scuse me?? Who said they would have been siblings? Or grown up at all together? He couldn't ever promise to stay committed to me or any child, yet he wouldn't accept me without promising my own life and the life of an unborn child to him. One example of his overbearing ways. My body. My rules. ... That didn't stop him from being too rough... From going too far... It didn't mean anything to him when I told him to stop or I was hurting or that I couldn't breathe... I would have to beg just to see him, and it could only ever be long after dark. Again, I blame myself for everything, and many of you have already helped drill that in... I should have stayed away. I shouldn't have given him so many chances. But it was all me; I wouldn't stop letting him come back... I get it... I fucked myself. I caused my own pain and misery. I knew what he was capable of, but I trusted him, nonetheless. He made sure of it and I fell for it. I've wanted so badly that he pay for what he did to me, for taking advantage of me... But I loved him. I wouldn't let my friend call the police. I couldn't let them take a father from a child, as much of a scumbag he is... And he had recently become a department manager after years of bullshit and I didn't want to ruin all that work... Because I will forever be too nice for my own good, and I can't bring myself to destroy someone else's life... All I wanted was one person to be there for me while my life fell to pieces around me. Just one person to show they cared and that they were at my side. Support. A single person to keep me afloat and make it through. Somebody to just listen to me rant and eat some pizza with or some shit. Anything to help me feel like an actual person. So I would like to take this moment here to thank whoever is still reading for helping me feel like the sex doll he made me feel I was, when all I was asking for some help or advice. Thank you for pushing me aside when I came to you with tears, unable to articulate proper sentences and my messages were riddled with typos. Thank you for being that one person I needed to feel everything was going to be okay and I wasn't just some bitch whore. Thank you for listening and still accepting me, and not throwing me onto the backburner. Thank you for not forgetting about me. It means a great deal to me that those who I care a great deal for, actually gives two shits about me or appreciates my existence... Is a friend really so much to ask for...? Is it the respect or understanding? The acceptance? The kindness? Tolerance? A bit of attention or companionship? When am I asking for too much? Honesty? Loyalty? I mean, I could pull up a Thesaurus and Dictionary and really drag this betch out. I suppose what bothers me most, is that no matter what I said or how much I asked, no matter what I promised him, he just couldn't be honest with me. He couldn't allow me to leave my heart out of it, or to look elsewhere. Why couldn't he just be honest?? Why did he have to fuck me over? Take advantage of me? Why couldn't he just stop! I told him I still wasn't feeling well. That I was physically hurting. To STOP. I said please... But I couldn't be too loud... There was a little girl in the next room. I should have been louder. I should have kicked more. And I should have gotten away... Why can't any of you just be honest?! Stop trying to lie and trick me! If I haven't already handed you my heart on a platter, I can usually catch the BS, but it doesn't make it any better... Just tell me! Go away. Shoosh. Not now. You can't deal with it. You just want sex. If there is something you want from me or something you don't want to deal with or whatever it is, just SAY IT. ([It's still too long... Another post!)]

[dillweedshole]

hi i'm dillweed and i'm sad.

happy mother's day, everyone.

[dillweedshole]

noticed some attention, here's a new pinned for now:

hi i'm dillweed. i make some good shit sometimes. if i don't like my own stuff why would i keep doing it, y'know?

presently;

-working on a friday night funkin' mod (help appreciated but not necessary right now)

i don't post too frequently but most times it's either smaller doodles, silly rants about stupid video games, or teasers for upcoming projects.