#digital art is too hard maybe i should post some traditional stuff next?

[dprince-art]

a fancy boy. will i ever make the comic this oc is from? probably not haha but enjoy him anyway

[aloesarchives]

im sorry to hear abt ur situation! take it easy and don’t feel bad for not being able to write or post as much. that being said, do u think u could squeeze in a fluffy gaolang x fem!reader scenario where the reader is an artist and likes to use him as reference for practice? tysm!

Sure thing, Anon! Sorry if it's not as much as I usually write but I hope you enjoy.

Warning: Narrator(aka me) swearing

Having artists block is goddamn terrible. It's been like this for a month and you couldn't take it anymore. No matter how hard you tried to get inspiration, it either was an unfinished project or it wasn't enough to satisfy your artistic nature. The thing about you is you're a well-known artist that does digital but mostly traditional art. You always carry around a sketchbook where ever you go when the thought of drawing comes to mind. Besides doing commissions, you could draw something of your own free will without it looking like a bad art restoration project.

 But once you’re you know once you start drawing, you'll finish at least 3 art projects in a span of 3-4days. Now you just need something to get you going, but what should it be?

While you're sitting on the couch with your sketchbook in hand and chewing your pencil/pen, the clicking of the door snapped you out of the whirlpool of thoughts.

Gaolang's home from work

Upon announcing his return, Gaolang makes his way to the living room. Placing down your stuff on the table, you greeted your beloved with a kiss while taking his blazer to be stem later.

“How's work, Gao?”

“The same as usually, nothing too eventful.”

You nod your head and went to grab your stuff from the table. While walking back, the most random but inspirational epiphany came to your mind. Why not use Gaolang as one of your projects? You always used him as a reference and he doesn't mind it as long it wasn't time consuming. You used old videos of Gaolang’s fights for reference for most of your art work and one note you can make out was that he was beautiful in them. Then again, why wouldn’t he be beautiful? Anyway, your brain went into ultra instinct mode and straight started planning out the art piece. You practically spaced out so hard that Gaolang has been calling out your name for the past minute or so. Once your brain calmed down, you were faced directly with the Thai God of War and his chest.

“(Y/N), is everything okay?”

You looked up to make eye contact towards him with soft eyes.

“Yeah, I’m fine Gao...”

He raised an eyebrow at your answer indicating that he know there’s more behind your behavior. You sigh as you were there was no point in getting pass him.

“Umm, Gaolang, if it possible if I come watch you train tomorrow? I promise I won’t get in the way of your training since one of your boxing matches is coming up soon.”

Gaolang was going to ask why but after seeing the way your hand grasp your sketchbook, he put two and two together and understood what you were going to say to him. He nods his head before going into your shared bedroom to shower and change into more comfortable clothes.

As the next day rolls in, you’re sitting on a wall bench while watching Gaolang practice and train. Although his primary martial art is boxing, he still does Muay Thai training as it would be foolish to forget it. While sketching, you would occasionally stop yourself and watch his movements and strikes. It was almost mesmerizing to see, from fluid clean kicks to the firm precise strikes. It was beautiful. It was also the way Gaolang’s sweat marbled his muscles and the clear focus in his eyes was something for sore eyes. Besides getting sidetrack, you admitted from time and time again that Muay Thai is a gorgeous Martial Art and sport. After all, being the Thai God of War’s girlfriend made you appreciate the art even more. 

By the time he was finished, you already had the sketch completed. Now, it just needs color and the outlining. It took some time but it was worth it, it was finally down. It wasn’t bad either too. You drew Gaolang in one of Muay Thai’s traditional poses and in the background was a roaring tiger that was surrounded by wisps of fire. It was a pretty awesome the more you looked at it. Not a lot of bright colors but the wisps of the flames are an eye catcher. You’ll probably hang it somewhere around the apartment since it looked nice. You asked Gaolang for his opinion, and he said it looks good while kissing your forehead to look at the painting. In return, you hugged his side, slightly snuggling him. 

As you stayed like that with Gaolang, you can for sure know your artist block was gone(for now) as other ideas start to spur up in your creative brain. Most of them involved you and Gaolang together. Those heavenly depictions/mythical peaked your interest, along with the domestic ones as well.

Maybe one about your wedding in the near future but that’s on you to decide

[saturdayxiii]

Yesterday at work, I had an inspiration to do a quick portrait from a photo reference, so I did.  I used a black, fat, chisel marker on a panel of cardboard and it took about 5 minutes.  The results weren’t great, but if you looked at the reference I think you could tell what I was going for.  I was encouraged by this.  I love the idea of being able to do portraits or capture images in the moment and bust out  a recreation in a few minutes.  So I decided to do some more practicing when I got home that evening.

Why did it go so horribly?

These pictures are my practice and while the one I half-assed at work wasn’t great, these ones are off the chart bad.  I don’t know what exactly I need to fix in my approach to even get on the right path, but needed to post my thoughts about the experience.  Maybe in hopes that that will be the trigger that helps me get better and leave these scraps behind, even though I don’t know how to improve even if I could be confident that I’d properly assessed my weaknesses.  I mean, that’s why I did these sketches, because I thought I knew what areas to focus on, and it took me a huge step backwards.

What irritates me the most, is how none of the sketches even have the aura of their subjects.  There’s a hint here or there, but nothing like “yah, the art’s not tight, but that is definitely that person”, and that’s really what I want to accomplish the most.

Here’s my individual notes:

1. I started digital because I really love the idea of having my one device that I take with me everywhere and do everything with.  I’ve been pushing myself to prioritize digital art for about 6 years now, even though I was always familiar with digital coloring/touch ups, but the weaknesses really glare here.  Accuracy is huge, as it’s next to impossible to get the lines that I want digitally.  It’s always sketch, undo, sketch, undo, sketch, undo, and then when I get sick of that it’s sketch sketch sketch, new layer, slow trace, undo, slow trace.  A lot of people understand this to be the nature of digital art, and I don’t 100% buy into that, but none the less it’s what I’m contending with.  I didn’t really concentrate on going slow, and I think that’s something I really need to consciously aim for, but right here that defeats the purpose of doing fast portraits.  I want to feel good and natural when drawing, so I decided to switch back to analogue art.

2. No. Stop.  No matter what, I have a ridiculous number of false starts.  Just trying to coordinate my brain with the medium I guess.  Warm up exercises would probably help, but it also seems like a waste of resources if I happen to get lucky and make something reasonable on my first try.

3.  Skew.  I always skew.  I’m well aware of my inability to do symmetry, and I try really hard to correct this when drawing.  I’ve been addressing this for years, and it hasn’t gotten any better.  This handicap is laid bare when I can’t start with a rough sketch.  I am trying to measure and compare proportions, but they still skew as I go.  I guess I really need to get my hand off the page, stop and check my work.  But when I don’t have an initial sketch, and that’s the point of this exercise, what am I checking?  The lines that don’t exist are in my head, and they don’t end up on the paper in the same spots. I have to work with the mistakes I’ve made no matter what.

4.  The features in this one are just so off.  I can’t even.  I had been marking points where I thought stuff should go, before drawing lines to connect them.  Not only is everything still completely inaccurate, but the picture just looks so dead.  It’s a corpse of a face that no one’s ever seen before.

5.  So I bailed on pre mapping and went the n00b route of starting with individual features.  Of course the eyes are where I feel most comfortable. I probably am most happy with this portrait, but it’s such a step back from every tutorial that I’ve been getting help from these days.  I wish this was my starting point of my drawing exercise.  I might be able to continue from this approach, but I need to get comfortable with a better starting point as this brings the usual issue of not being able to keep my drawing on the page. I know Davinci started with the ear, but that’s a little too around the bend for me. Maybe I can try starting from the cheek to the forehead or something to help me work on features while still having a better overview of my total size... maybe.

6.  This one is wrong, but like the last one it doesn’t upset me.  It was especially frustrating as I had the hair framing the face, then in full awareness but no ability to stop I watched myself draw the right eye too close to the hair, then the left eye too far away, despite having some pretty easy markers to work with.  Speaking of markers, I switched to a traditional sharpie pen for this one.  I had been using a dip pen.  I think I need to hunt down a chisel tip marker like at work as that seems to be best of both worlds.  Especially as my medium at work was pretty large, maybe about the size of legal paper, while everything I worked with at home was no larger than 6 inches.

Hopefully this word vomit cleanses me, or something.  Though why would it?  I don’t think my art has improved for the last 15 years.  I have a couple helpful techniques for digital art, but nothing that applies in this exercise.  I can’t even pin point anything I did right in these sketches.  Like, nothing that’s says “that’s good, keep doing that.”  It’s just, throw it all away and start at square zero again.  At least I got some new teases, like, maybe try a chisel marker on a full canvas, find a way to fake a sketch that will let me test proportions before final lines, and looking at the thumbnails of my work is even helping me pick out better shapes in my subjects that I wish I noticed the first time.

*sigh*, maybe at some decade in my life I’ll be able to do consistent work of an adequate quality, or at least perhaps the false hope will keep me from falling into complete anhedonia.  Maybe.

[notwhelmedyet]

More than Meets the Eye, beginner’s guide / resources

This guide is long. Use the headings to find the information you need & if you’ve got resources this post lacks send them along!

Has anyone pitched the comic More than Meets the Eye to you yet? It’s a very gay action-adventure comedic drama with robots and you would probably love it (especially if you’re lgbt and/or have good taste). Here’s a few posts/articles that will tell you why you’d love it:

This article review/retrospective was what got me to read MTMTE. (warning - it has a bunch of spoilers, that didn’t bother me but might bother you)

My semi-jokey MTMTE sales pitch

@zzxid’s salespitch with dancing rats

This full entire page of radical space socialist philosophy

15 Reasons Why MTMTE/the sequel is The Best Transformers Comic (warning - has spoilers, though some will prob go over your head as a new reader)

Kiss me, Chromedome - retrospective article by The Guardian, contains some spoilers

How/Where to Read

Okay, maybe you’re convinced. Now you want to know how/where to read MTMTE. Got you covered:

Detailed guide by @gaymilesedgeworth: How to start reading Transformers Comics

My very short answer: just read MTMTE in trade paperback form. That way all the issues are in order and you get all the extra stuff (there are prose stories after a couple issues that are very important so don’t skip them!) They’re available that way as both physical and digital books.

Here’s some ways to get access, legally (US centric, sorry):

If your local library has Hoopla (digital library subscription service), you may have access to some of the MTMTE trades that way. They’d be here; but check if you library has Hoopla first.

Your local library very well might have physical copies, so check their website!

If not and you’re very patient you can often request inter-library loans (your library borrows the books from another library) or request your library purchase materials.

You can buy digital trades via either IDW or Comixology. Comixology also includes the first 5 volumes in their comics subscription service. I’ve seen the series go on sale on both of these sites at least 4 times in the past 6 months, so keep an eye out! (Sometimes IDW participates in humble bundles, which are great, but those sales are far more infrequent)

You can also buy them in trade form from wherever you can buy books/comics. US links: Amazon, B&N, Comic Store Locators

Character Guides

So you’ve picked up this comic and oh boy there are a lot of robots. You’re a little intimidated. Maybe you’re having a hard time telling them apart.

If you have the paperback, there’s a guide to the characters on the back cover/the last page of the digital volume. See a copy here.

It’s okay if you keep reading not knowing who these robots are. For real. You’ll get the hang of it. Don’t worry if it takes you awhile and you’re confused. Everyone’s a little lost the first time through.

Some helpful posts in case you’re struggling:

Here’s a guide that matches appearance -> name, and one that matches name -> background info (both spoiler free for issues 1-22)

A visual guide by @squireofgeekdom​ and @kscinewt​: here

Another helpful visual character guide by @bluering8: here

If you’re confused and need help, please ask! I’m willing to answer questions, I know @gaymilesedgeworth has volunteered to answer new reader questions. (Willing to help out new readers? Lemme know and I’ll make this a list)

Lore & Background Info

Okay, so maybe now you’ve gotten into it. You want more information, you want to know all the background lore, you want to dig deep. Awesome! Got you covered!

The holy grail of Transformers information, TFwiki. A slightly snarky, overly-minutely-detailed wiki for the digital age.

They’ve also got a tumblr if you’ve got questions.

And Chris McFeely, one of the main editors, runs a Youtube series called The Basics where he explains characters/concepts across continuities

The podcast Sound.wav has episodes talking about every issue of MTMTE in great detail.

The writer of More than Meets the Eye, James Roberts, answers fan questions on his twitter. I’ve archived a lot of those questions at @jrtweetsindex​.

More than Meets the Eye has a soundtrack, because of course it does. People have made playlists collecting it on spotify and youtube.

Further Reading

I finished MTMTE, what’s next?

If you want the direct sequel to MTMTE, go straight to Lost Light, the sequel series. It’s still ongoing and (as of right now) 12 issues have been released. There are spoilers for it EVERYWHERE on Tumblr, fair warning.

There are also a bunch of other series within the IDW comics universe, depending on what you’re interested in.

@zandergb has a chronological listing of all the IDW comics

TFwiki summarizes the IDW comics line

alt chronological guide

another guide/reading order.

You don’t have to read all the books! If you want to just read Lost Light/MTMTE, you can do just that.

There’s also a bunch of animated series, which don’t exist in the same continuity as the IDW comics. Some of them are well liked.

@ponett has a guide that’ll help you decide which you’d enjoy

And here’s a brief guide by TFWiki

There’s also the Michael Bay movies which are awful and so is he. Not gonna recommend watching them, but if you wanted to learn about film theory by listening to Lindsay Ellis dissect them, there’s a youtube series for that.

Fan Stuff

Okay...but what about fan content and fanfic and art and community events?

First thing to know: Transformers content is posted on tumblr under the tag Maccadam. (more detailed explanation why) A lot of mtmte content is also under ‘mtmte’, so look there too. I only use Maccadam if I think a post deserves to be seen by a lot of people but opinions vary.

Second thing to know - the sequel to MTMTE, Lost Light is still being published and you will see ALL SORTS OF SPOILERS for it on Tumblr. To mitigate the damage, try blocking “LL Spoilers” “Lost Light Spoilers” and “Wednesday Spoilers”. You cannot avoid it all, so if you don’t want anything spoiled, get caught up on both MTMTE and Lost Light before browsing around Tumblr.

Fanfiction:

Warning! A lot of Transformers fanfiction is smut. Please take a moment to integrate this fact into your understanding of the universe. If you can handle that, go ahead to AO3.

If you’re curious about all the terminology used in those fics, here’s a guide to it (not every writer uses every word, but this will get you started)

If you’re not into the idea of robots having sex, here’s a link to AO3 with my personal best-effort safe-search (no guarantees, relies upon people tagging properly)

And here’s a blog dedicated to recommending good sfw transformers fanfiction

If you want to know more about Transformers fanfic, I did a whole statistical survey of it, cause I’m a dork.

Here’s an old-school Transformers-only fanfic archive (I don’t see a category for IDW comics but maybe you can find somehing)

Fanart&Fanfic Events/Zines/Gift Exchanges/Collaborative Projects:

As many active projects as I could find - I’ll try to keep this one updated

Fan Artists:

(same warning as the fanfic - there’s a goodly amount of transformers pornographic art, be aware of that and block ‘nsfw’ if necessary)

There are a ton of active fanartists who draw IDW Transformers art. If you search a bit under ‘Maccadam’ you’ll find them.

@iaconlibrary reblogs a great deal of fanart & is a great place to start browsing

Roleplay:

If you’re into roleplaying on tumblr @teletrans-comm-unit runs a master list of active rp blogs

Transformers: Lost and Found is a long-running independent game set on the Lost Light

TF:Galaxy appears to be a forum-based tf roleplay game

My Favorite Jokes:

The best amazon review

Emotional labor (nsfw-ish warning)

Bros with Vows

Hands

Conventions:

There are Transformers-specific conventions, which is pretty cool! I know nothing about them but tfwiki has some info: Official and Unofficial conventions.

Regrettable Opinions:

hey this is just a quick guide of things not to do so you don’t hurt other people in the community

Do not compare Megatron to Hitler. The comparison is both vapid and offensive, as Jewish members of this community have pointed out time and again.

Don’t say transphobic/homophobic/racist/antisemitic/sexist things. You’re better than that!

Don’t attack the creators of the books/harass them on social media/make bizarre unfounded accusations of them acting in bad faith

we’re really lucky that JRo and the other creators interact with us & answer questions and don’t you dare screw that up, I’m trusting you.

on a less serious but useful etiquette note: don’t tag creators into negative reviews of their work/people complaining about their work. It’s rude to the creator & the reviewer.

That was a short list but remember to also treat other people with respect & that it’s okay to disengage with content/people that upset you.

Fandom:

There’s a guide on Fanlore, but it’s freakishly outdated and doesn’t even mention the comics. If you’re a informed tf fan maybe you should update it. 😉

Tumblr!

MTMTE is a pretty small community on Tumblr, but there are a few cool folks. Remember, ‘maccadam’ and ‘mtmte’ are your tags of choice

Various websites!

Since the transformers fandom is super old, there are a bunch of dedicated websites with traditional forums to chat on. (most of these are news sites that also contain forums) idk anything about them but maybe forums are your thing:

TFW2005 - big site with a large community but be warned there appear to be more than a few alarmingly bigoted people on that site

TFormers

Cybertron.CA

Allspark.com

Seibertron

I’m gonna throw the IDW TF reddit on this list rather than make a new section

Discord!

there’s at least two active discords at the moment. I know nothing about them or discord, but maybe one of them would be to your liking:

#1 - run by @zzxid

#2 - run by ??

The community is, like all fan communities, is a mix of good and bad, awkward and friendly, opinionated and goofy, self-serious and offensive. You won’t like or agree with everyone and there are some folks you should probably block.

Just find some people who share your general outlook & are interacting with the books in the same way you want to 💕

-Lynn. I have no qualifications to write this guide, I am not an authority of anything. I just really want you to love these books. Last updated on Dec 24, 2017, click through to check for any updates.

image descriptions below cut:

[image 1: Panel from MTMTE of Rewdind and Chromedome kneeling and holding hands while Chromedome says “Rewind, my love, it’s not for me to say.”]

[image 2: Fortress Maximus covered in small brightly colored robots shaped like various animals saying “Don’t worry, my friend, all taken care of.]

[image 3: Swerve holding a cartoonish drawing of Prowl and pointing at it, saying “No! Prowl with the head spikes and the cruel mouth and the - cross all the time! Epically, preemptively, existentially cross! And cold! Supercilious and cold! Imagine Ultra Magnus without the warmth and people skills. How can you not know who Prowl is?”]

[image 4: Trailgate in holomatter form, holding the first issue of More than Meets the Eye and saying: “Besides, I didn’t say I didn’t like it - I just don’t understand all the words. And it presumes a degree of familiarity with the Autobot/Decepticon war that I still don’t have...I suppose there’s always the wiki. Or tumblr...”

Cyclonus from off panel: “I told you to stay off Tumblr.”

Tailgate: “You’re right: spoilers. I want to enjoy it issue by issue - it only goes up to 43.”]

[image 5: Drift smiling a big fake smile and saying: “Anyway - let’s move on.”]

[image 6: A panel of Cyclonus gazing out the window in his dark and empty bedroom with a panel of narration: “Of course we’re not the only ones. This ship is a refuge for the emotionally inarticulate.”]

[fwdthinker]

SUPER NATURAL REALITY

It is so hard to stare at this endless digital blank space having the need to express your feelings somewhere. I don’t wanna post bullshit, like starting one sentence and then exploiting every detail of it. That is wrong. I woke up this morning well rested, then poured a cup of coffee in hope it would give me a positive rush to do something. I wanted to go for a run, but it was already 8:15 am and at that time the streets are already getting flooded with people going to the market, driving to their jobs… It’s 9:40 am now, i am still home drinking coffee with a headache it gave me, lately I’ve been prone to head pain in the back of my head and the upper part of my neck, it comes with coffee, cigarettes, and other substances that I’ve been consuming this week constantly. I should stop, also the hangovers are killing me and the easiest way to get rid of them temporarily is to get drunk again in the evening, but that’s an unwise approach.After I finished this semester at the University, I drove back home. It was an exhausting ride of six and a half hours where you have to share seats with middle age to elderly age  people who complain about everything. This older looking man about the age of sixty offered me a seat. The air conditioning was poor and the borders were crowded. I didn’t have a functioning phone to consume content in order to get distracted from the darkness in front of the bus consuming the space. Usually when you have a long trip ahead and you are sitting with someone, an elderly person, it is by tradition to engage in an endless flowing conversation, about life, stories, events, where you mostly listen and ask questions, taking an interest in the stories they tell their families at dinners and festive occasions. War stories, heritage, family,  the stories of harshness of life, their survival and the survival of their loved ones. There are brighter topics that occur often in the limits of their interests which are most commonly ; fishing, cars, beekeeping, hunting, mountain climbing, driving cars down the seaside, football. Manly stuff, alright to listen to. Most of those conversations you won’t even remember, maybe you can recall fragments in your head like the ones ringing to me now: “Yep, that was the biggest fish I ever caught”, turns to his wife behind him and says “Do you remember Aida?” she laughs and says “How could I not remember. You should all see how happy he was when he caught that fish” and then he turns to her and says “But that is not the fish i am proud of the most…” looking at her. Yet the most fascinating thing in this bus ride is that the people you meet are there do not become your acquaintances or friends, they are simply the person you sat down next to, shared a seat then and there from one place to another. It is a cultural thing, very mysterious yet beautiful, when a man shares his stories with the youth. He claims to have seen it all, you see the pride and the smile on his face as he talks, walks down memory lane opening himself up to me and everybody around that is listening, like a radio waiting for you to tune in. It is enchanting, yet strange, suddenly in this long and exhausting ride you become a part of this story. You could be sitting with them in the garden of their house drinking coffee, the nectar of roses, enjoying recipes of food and beverages that have been passed down for centuries and hearing the same thing. You feel invited, you see? It is an undisturbed order, where everything drains power from tradition, marriage, the happiness of having a car, to be able to go somewhere is just such a nice thought and everybody is grateful to god that it is so and not the other way around. The wife’s cooking and the tradition and love put into it, the husbands hard working and skillfulness of craft who provides for his family in need and thanks to him they are not hungry for food. The common saying “stop complaining, it could be worse, at least you have …”, which offers a sympathetic approach to everything. In times of need these people provide and give to their neighbors, to their families and blood. They are good hard working people, who happened to survive the worst and are existing for us to give us reality, to ground us, make us more approachable, proud that we are who we are, and if we are not we will go and learn. Reality, reality is maintaining a good conversation. Reality is more than just a dark expression. Reality is the cut of all highs and lows a flat line around which we spiral, a story of time space, people, giving and taking, everything else is just a futile word to define a certain art, aspect or feel of it, towards which you develop a barrier, further more become something that you are objectively not and had no resources to develop such an image flawed with its own superficiality. Self-destruction out of passion, but that too is an instinct to survive, caused by the advancement and Bensonhurst blues. It’s 11:32 now. I talked to a friend, made plans for next week to go to the seaside, stay at her parents and her uncle’s holiday home. She is in the capital still at the University. I’m home away from all of that now. Although, I occasionally sit at my writing desk and go through the materials of the next semester, I am not in a hurry to do anything. Life is super slow here. The town is pretty much the same since I left. Some roads are being built then and there, infrastructural improvements and whatnot. The bars and coffee places i went to in High School, to skip class, or drink with friends are still filled with faces I will most likely never speak to. The friends that are still here for reasons too detailed to cover lead a very slow life. We occasionally go out, but the festive mood we all loved and shared is gone. We used to conquer the world every night, now we're just dead flowers in the park.

[monster-teeth]

So for my senior year I took AP studio art.  Kind of.  I took it for a month or so but quickly realized it wasn’t really what I wanted, so they kept me in the classroom but I took a class that’s requirements my teacher and I made up together.  But the school year before I was pretty set on taking AP art, partly because I had taken every other art class available and also because I really like the idea of being in some kind of elite class I guess(don’t judge me im desperate to feel good about myself lol)

But the school year before, because I was so set on it(and I was actually going to take it that school year but I decided it just didn’t fit in my schedule) I looked at the little pamphlet that you get about it and I was like okay what do I have to do to qualify for this or whatever.  And the pamphlet told me that I needed teacher approval and it either said I needed to show a portfolio or i assumed it did, and I’m pretty damn sure it was the former.  So I threw together what little finished looking art I had, which I quickly realized was not a lot, and stuff on my phone that was digital art.  I put it something nice looking and I put the art on my phone in a folder so I wouldn’t be spending a lot of time scrolling through picture for it.  So I had my art teacher look at it towards gaining approval to get into the class right.  So my art teacher was looking through it all, and probably about halfway through he told me that I didn’t actually need to show him this stuff, nobody has to like go through The Format or anything, if you want to get in you just can. Which Nobody Told Me.  the critique goes on, he flips through it all and then he asks me something along the lines of “do these look finished to you?”  and i’m like “yeah, I guess.”  and we talk about that for awhile and we basically get to the idea that really I need to add more stuff to the backgrounds or even have a background at all or add more detail and i tell him how i love detail but I always worry that if I put too much detail it’ll become too much and he kind of talks me out of that by showing me some famous artists with really lots of detail in their work

but somewhere in that conversation over the stuff i was showing him, he told me that my art “looks like your average high school fantasy art”

and just later in the day and the next couple days like

that made me really upset man

Because i really enjoyed what i was drawing at that time and the simpleness of that and I felt like I was getting closer to something repeatable and enjoyable

and all of sudden somebody tells you that’s bad

like he said it in a “that’s kind of bad, you should move away from that, move above that” kind of way

and after those couple of weeks I kind of forgot about it, but in the recent weeks I was just really looking at some of the cheaply framed art of mine on the walls, some of which was in that portfolio

and like im thinking, I was so happy and having so much fun when I was making those, when did i stop drawing cool looking but kind of generic fantasy characters and then i was like Oh.

And don’t get me wrong, I love the stuff I’m doing now, I think my character design and overall art skills have gotten a lot better since taking “AP art”(cause it technically wasn’t actually AP for me), but I kind of miss just having fun rather than worrying about Oh my god is this original enough, does it have enough detail, is there a background, how about complex lighting.

Like I had been doing a 30 days of monsters challenge or something when I made those

AND I WAS SUPER STRESSED though, cause like I felt like there was no way for me to make a piece every day and i also didn’t have enough water colour paper for it lol, but also because I knew there was absolutely no one to care if I didn’t finish it.  Which is really discouraging.  It’s both freeing to know that Literally No One Cares, but also super depressing to know that Literally No One Cares cause then like what is the point?

Like even if I enjoyed painting something and I really like it and then I post it and it doesn’t even get a -single- note, like I’m not kidding most of my art gets zero notes except for me reblogging it in hopes of somebody seeing it, then it kind of feels like making it was for nothing.  Especially since most of the time the art of mine that people do seem to like, usually in person, is art that I don’t really like, and then they don’t like the art that I think was actually really really good.

It’s annoying I guess.

But they also all had this cool funkiness to them that I kind of miss, and I don’t seem to anymore.  Like one of them has this big weird shape behind it that has super thick black lines on it.  I like that a lot.  But at the same time I guess I’m also trying to be sophisticated.  I guess.. I guess I’m trying to be an adult and have Adult art  !Not like sexual stuff!  but like stuff that seems more immaculate I guess. But then at the same time I’m trying to find a colouring style that’s repeatable and easy enough to make comics with, or work quickly with.

I.  I feel so slow.  I feel like I am So Slow.  Like everyone around me can make finished looking art in one day, and it takes me three days if im working on it constantly and I actually finish it and im not having like a Really Good Art Day.  And it just kind of beats all the want to make art of me when everything looks bad and everything takes to long to make finished.

And I both want to draw fanart and also know that fanart is honestly the only way i can ever get noticed on any website or thing ever. But I also feel like I such at drawing fanart.  I should draw fanart. A ton.  And just like not care how it looks or something I guess.  But at the same time if all anybody follows me for is fanart and then I just start drawing my regular stuff i know people will like get mad??? and like then it feels like i’ve tricked them into following me

but also I never draw consistently.  Like I don’t post art for months at a time.  I used to post more on my instagram but then my phone got fucked up and I can’t do that again until I have a new phone. BUT ALSO the stuff i posted on my instagram was traditional sketches and stuff because that’s what I would do inbetween classes and now that I don’t have class anymore i don’t really do a lot of traditional art.  Anything I do these days is digital.  But I spend wayy more time scrolling tumblr than I do making anything these days.  Hopefully I’ll be working on some doll customs soon but I can’t start on that until I order stuff and I can’t order stuff yet cause I have to do it through my mom because I still don’t have a bank account because we didn’t get me one before I turned 18 so now I can’t do anything really?  I can’t take commissions because I don’t have a bank account to link to my paypal, I can’t sell anything on etsy because 1. mail system and shipping in general is scary aND 1. PAYPAL with bank account thing again.  I can’t get paid from my online job until I have a bank account for them to put it in yet eitHER.

I just spend all day watching TV and scrolling tumblr in 80-100 degree weather everyday.

That’s all I do.

Everyday.

And I have pretty much zero friends.

I mean, it’s kind of what I expected out of life, but still.

Still horribly mentally ill and multiple fronts with no therapist.

Plants are still dying.

I’d go outside and do pok/em/on go but phone = broke so.

yeah, im trying to write stuff too, and ya know actually make some comics but art = hard so it doesn’t get very far.  Maybe make something with a friend?? but i don’t know if that’s gonna fall through or not cause like it would involve both art and writing and we all know how Slow i am at that stuff.