#digibear drabble

[jcoles]

Imperfection

Prompt: Levi has a lot of time to his thoughts as Mikasa mourns yet another loss. (1300 words, R)

Imperfection a rivamika short 

-

She was porcelain with imperfections.

Standing there, still as glass but never as clear, a statue bearing the pouring rain.

Water from the sky seeped into the cloth over his shoulder as he leaned against a solemn oak, the itch from wet clothing starting to attack his nerves. He didn’t move, despite it all. Something else held his attention.

Was it her black hair bending outward where it wasn’t stuffed in her scarf? Or was it the way her legs had refused to move from that same spot since before the clouds burst with silver?  

He didn’t know, but she had never stayed to grieve this long. Usually it lasted half the time, with more weight shifting from leg to leg. And then she would turn towards him. And then he would nod. And then they would take the long walk back to his room.

But this time was different. It was almost if she wanted him to go on without her, away from the icy rain and muddy graves and into the torchlit hallways of Headquarters where everyone was still alive for the time being. She had been there for so long that her uniform was darkened with that rainwater shade. He was sure her skin was already slick all over underneath the constricted cloth—uncomfortable, jaded. A part of him thought to go alone, to leave her to her thoughts and damaged pride. Another piece of him wanted to strip her bare and hold her until the shivers left her tired bones.  

But there he stood, damper by the second and trying hard to ignore the mud creeping up his boots.

Whether it was the urge to get out from under the tree and into the heavier rain to wash his shoes down, or the reflex to get her inside before she caught a cold, the captain started towards the newly appointed captain of two weeks. His feet sloshed along the ground until he stood a safe distance behind her, and he waited. He never spoke first, after all.

And he didn’t have to this time either. “Go back without me,” she said, her voice a layer of steel underneath that porcelain skin. He always reveled in its metallic sound.

“No reason to,” he responded soundly, shaking off thoughts of how that voice would sound in other places when they were alone. How inappropriate.

“Go.”

“No.” 

Silence.

“They were so young.”

He exhaled through his nose, not wanting to respond. Everyone was too young for this shit. There was no designated age appropriate for this kind of work, since everyone died one or two years into it anyways. It wasn’t like the older ones garnered enough experience to survive longer. You either got killed or you didn’t. You either got lucky or you didn’t.

Everyone still alive was living on borrowed time.

But maybe these kids were a bit on the young side–the youngest recruits they had, at least. It was just a set of unfortunate events that led them into being under Mikasa’s wing. It wasn’t that she wanted them—quite the opposite. They were shoved into her squad because that was the backup plan on their last mission. And even though she led them exactly how she was supposed to, they didn’t have the skill level of everyone else. And you can’t slip up when you’re up against an enemy a hundred times your size. 

And Mikasa had learned that the hard way. Twice.

The first time, he wasn’t there.  When everything went to shit, he was out on another mission in the capital.  But word got to him fast that the entire mission outside the walls was a fuckup and when he got back to Headquarters the only person he saw was Mikasa thrashing in a wooden cart, screaming and yelling incoherently.  

She was the only one that made it back. All of her friends were dead.

Maybe she was addressing them, despite how long ago that was; maybe they were the ones that were too young.  Or maybe that was a blanket statement, mourning all of the people that have died at the hands of the titans.  Because there was no guaranteed survival, and no matter who died, they had never even lived in the first place.  A comfortable life in this world was a lie.

The bottom line was that Mikasa had lost again. Levi knew her story, from the time she lost her parents to the time she lost her foster parents.  Then came her friends.  Then came her squad.

What a fucked-up hand she was dealt.

Levi’s was eerily similar, though.  It was as if they were on the same plane, starting on opposite ends.  As people fell out of their lives, their life crumbled around them, leaving them less space to stand on.  Jumping from space to space as the ground fell beneath their feet, both of them finally met on the same spot, with nowhere left to go in all directions. They had both lost, but in it they found each other.  

He didn’t know when they happened, or how they happened.  But he remembered feeling not completely alone, a feeling he hadn’t felt in a long time.  And he remembered clinging onto it, clinging onto it so desperately he was sure such a delicate thing would rupture under his fingers.  

They found a place they could run to whenever they wanted, a pocket universe where only the two of them existed.  No one questioned it, no one doubted it, no one mentioned it.  It was just theirs, and theirs alone.

Levi stepped forward to join Mikasa, staring down at the blood-soaked body bags through rain-tainted eyelashes. Sacks of cloth never passed as proper caskets for him, but they were the only option for people not residing in the capital—the lowly people. They never got the luxury of metal boxes with their names plated on in golden, undeserved glory. People like them got itchy cloth or titan stomach acid.

“For the glory of humanity,” Levi spat as Mikasa kept her face stoic.

“Let’s go,” she stated.

The man grabbed her wrist as she began to walk away, “Had enough?”

Without looking back, Mikasa whispered, “Too much.”

“Okay,” he uttered in return, killing the conversation softly.  He let go of her wrist only to feel her fingers grip his own, and he gave her a look like she was the only person he had left.

And she was looking back at him, eyes like dull blade tips. Her countenance was broken, far beyond the point he expected it to be. Porcelain on the brink of collapse. It was like watching a vase fall and being too far away to save it, just holding your breath waiting for it to shatter.

Everyone saw Mikasa as a hero, a perfect being. From perfect scores to outstanding skills, she was the only one apart from him that people worshiped. But they didn’t see what he saw. Not at all.

For he could see her for she truly was—she was porcelain with imperfections. The woman people saw from far away was clean and smooth, a flawless being untouched by the world’s filth. But he got closer, and he discovered the truth. Rough patches that were once silky stone revealed themselves, and tiny cracks like little rivers started trickling down her limbs, branching out into estuaries to the ocean of her salty tears. What they pictured as perfect was imperfect, what they pictured as flawless was flawed.

And that was why he loved her. 

Taking her hand in his, they walked back to the castle. Back to his room. Back to their little pocket universe, where porcelain was never perfect and imperfection was everything.

-

Note: Hey, guys! It’s been awhile, hasn’t it? Too long, in fact. But the good news is: I’m starting to write again! I know this seems jumbled and all over the place, but I really wanted to get something written. I know there’s not much to it but I wanted a minimalist-style short to get started. I enjoyed writing this piece, and I’m finding a style of writing I love. Hope to see you guys again with either another short or another chapter of TCW. 

Cheers, 

Digi

[jcoles]

Writing Challenge #1: Through the Flames

Writing Challenge #1 - Write for ten minutes straight, no erasing (except spelling edits).  Prompt (posted after writing): Rivamika/Pirates AU - Mikasa risks a burning ship to retrieve fellow mate Levi. 

"Mikasa, there's nothing you can do!" 

"Yes, there is, Eren! I'm going back. Make sure the others are safe and get out of here!" 

Eren furrowed his brows before staring down at her sturdy form, waiting for any indication that she was bluffing. There was no way in hell Levi made it off the ship alive; it was burning like the sconces back in Trost Port. Grabbing the wheel, he kept his eyes on her before yelling, "You better get both your asses back on this ship or I'll kill you!" 

"Understood!" Mikasa nodded a curt one before leaping onto the ropes leading up to the masts. Climbing like a monkey, she charged up the solid ropes until she grabbed a loose one. Taking one long breath, she pushed off the rope ladder and swung full-force towards the other ship and into the fire. The flames licked at her trousers as she stumbled onto the deck, and instantly she felt enveloped by the Sun. 

"Levi! Levi, where are you!" She scrambled around the wreckage, tossing boards and barrels around, hoping to find one glimpse of--

She spotted him lying face down beneath a broken mast, his white sleeves charred a dark gray. Yelling frantically, she ran and slipped on the deck trying to get to him. Picking up his limp form, she crumbled under the dead-weight before hauling him over her shoulder. "You're not dying here. Not here," she whispered and half-croaked. 

"--uckin'... amazon..." a broken voice rumbled into her back. 

Mikasa smirked before scanning for the best escape route of the boat. Her face felt like it was tearing off of her, and she gritted her teeth to take the searing pain away for a second. It felt like they weren't going to make it as the oxygen around them started to dissipate. 

"Levi, listen to me. I'm going to jump, but you need to swim. Understand?"

"Why don't... you just... carry me... like a kil... ler whale." 

"I don't have time for your damn sass," Mikasa shouted before charging for the side of the ship. Inhaling one full breath, she rocketed her body over the edge and entered free fall. The water rushed up to meet them both, engulfing them in cerulean.  - - Note: Why my mind took to a pirates AU first? I have no idea. But I dig it. Damn my slow writing! I couldn't finish it before Levi is forced to dog-paddle...

[jcoles]

Digibear Drabble #4: He Came with the Rain, Pt. I

Based on this prompt by levheichou. Finally got around to it, Donni! 

He Came with the Rain, Pt. I a rivamika fanfic by a rivamika fangirl  - - Sometimes I doubt the path I chose. 

"Mom, what's going on--"

"Just stay in here, Mikasa." 

"Wait, where will you--"

"Here, love. Take this. It will protect you."

Sometimes my dreams feel all on hold. 

"But who will protect you--?" 

"--I'll be fine, honey. We love you."  

"What? Wait! Mom!" 

The cupboard door clipped off her cry, muting her panicked voice.

Today didn't start off like this at all. Just two hours earlier, her mom was carving a symbol into her wrist, talking about something to do with their "clan" and how they needed to "preserve" it.

The only thing Mikasa was preserving at that moment was the urge to cry. It hurt when her mom dug the knife into her skin, puncturing her porcelain layer and releasing some of her blood.

As if to relieve the pain, Mikasa's mom started to hum a tune. It was a haunting lullaby, but it calmed the little girl down nonetheless. The notes seemed to flutter from her mom's mouth and settle themselves onto the wounds in her arm. They patted themselves into her skin, and Mikasa gave her mom a look of confusion. The older woman just smiled back without showing teeth.

Her dad was just in the kitchen, drying off the clean dishes with a towel. The cloth got wetter with each dish, and soon he was just rubbing the water around the dishes instead of getting rid of it. His wife scolded him for not paying attention while Mikasa laughed at his predicament.

It had been a calm and lazy afternoon.

Until the thieves started banging on the door.

In a flash, Mikasa's father ushered them to the hidden side of the kitchen from the doorway before grabbing his weapon from a cupboard. While he went to see to the thugs, Mikasa's mom opened the closest cupboard next to her and forced her daughter inside. As a last warning, she gave the little girl a knife. A knife to guard her life with. She thought it was the only thing she could do to save her daughter.

So Mikasa was alone, slowly being tortured. From inside, she heard muffled shouts, footsteps, gunfire. A high pitched scream shout through the wood. Frantically, the little girl curled up and shoved her hands over her ears.  The knife she had been holding dropped to her side with a dull thud. Shutting her eyes, Mikasa prayed it wasn't her mom she just heard. 

Deep voices barked all around her while broken glass shattered next to her cupboard. More gunshots. More screaming.

Suddenly, it sounded like Mikasa's head exploded. She screamed and her whole body violently twitched. For a moment, she felt paralyzed. She couldn't remove the hands from her ears. Forcing them away from her head, Mikasa peeked one of her eyes open.

Her eyes magnified when she saw the hole in the cupboard door. A bullet had struck through her hiding place, fired into the dark. From the looks of it, it barely skimmer her ear. Sounds were warped now. She couldn't hear anything but a single high pitched ringing.

But soon, the sounds came back in a crescendo. It sounded like she was surrounded by noises, noises with hands that were grabbing her and choking her to death. She couldn't breathe. She was hyperventilating. Everything was going even darker than her empty cupboard.  

Then everything was silent.

Only the sound of her own breathing reached her ears. the cupboard space felt humid and cramped now, and sweat gripped her white dress to her skin. What was going on out there? Slowly putting her eye up to the hole the bullet made, Mikasa scanned the house. 

And immediately, she regretted it. 

Right in front of her, both her mom and her dad were kneeling before three men.

Both of them were at gunpoint. 

Mikasa's hand shot up to her mouth to cover it. It was like her whole life flashed before her eyes, each moment of her with her parents documented in fragments. That wasn't happening right now. Right? She was at home and her mom was carving a clan symbol into her hand. She was at home and her dad was cleaning the dishes and doing a horrible job at it. He was being scolded by her mother. Pieces of conversations blended together and the carving in her wrist stained her chin. Everything was fine. Everything was normal. "Mom," she whispered, "Dad, please--!"

Shots fired.

Bodies fell. 

Blood spilled onto the floor. 

At that moment, everything looked to be moving in slow motion. Mikasa felt as if she got shot right in the heart. A third bullet never seen. Reach for the knife. Grab the knife. They're coming for you, too. 

I don't care.

She was reaching for the knife before she realized it wasn't needed anymore. The thugs already walked out of the door, carrying what looked to be a bag full of her family's valuables.

Valuables. What a funny word.

They didn't take any valuables out of her house. Everything valuable in that house was dead.

She couldn't stop shaking, and when Mikasa thought the men were out of range she burst out of the cupboard. She tripped on her dress once she was out, but her eyes stayed on her parents' still forms. The wound on her hand reopened when she tripped, but she never felt it all at. There was no one to sing to her anymore. It was never going to close the same way again. Mikasa's breathing was uneven and her eyes were wide as saucers.

"Mom... Dad..." When she got to them in the middle of the room, Mikasa didn't know what to do. It felt as if the whole house was freezing. Soft patters on the roof reached Mikasa's ears, and she realized it was raining. Funny. It was raining inside the house, too. Right? Everything was blurry from her eyes and swimming in her vision.

"I'll be fine, honey. We love you." 

Shaking, Mikasa fell to her knees and her quivering hands reached out above their bodies. Blood seeped into her white dress as tears leaked from her eyes.

"I..." Nothing seemed to make sense. The whole situation felt ethereal, as if she was experiencing something from out of her body. She just wasn't there.

But, as soon as her hand made contact with her mom's shoulder, Mikasa lost it. Everything was real. This was real. Her parents weren't there anymore. She was left behind. And she didn't even get to say goodbye. 

"I love you, too," the little girl choked out before covering her face with her hands. Powerful sobs racked her body as she knelt in their crimson. Her head hit the ground as she leaned forward, and her hair was quick to soak up the blood. The sound of rain couldn't cover up her cries as she knelt between her parents' bodies. Thunder roared from above, squeezing her chest.

She didn't know what to do. She was only 9. Everything she knew was taken away from her. She was only 9. 

The only thing she had left was the knife her mother gave her.

And she was going to hold on to it.

There's no doubt that this will make me strong. 

Picking her head up after what seemed like an eternity, Mikasa turned her head back to the cupboard. Her dull eyes were shrouded in crimson fury, the red blood seeping down her face and dripping off her chin. The white dress she wore was almost soaked through with shades of violet and ruby--a mirror to her innocence.

The white rose was stained with red.  

Because it's the hardest thing I've ever done. - - Had to edit it after I reread it. But now it's even more angsty... Enjoy? Haha. 

Part II should be up soon!