#dietician appt next week

[the-cooks-butch]

its been rough lately but i ate well today and that is a victory

[optifastoptimist]

WEEK 11/ DR. APPT/ CLASS 12

WEEK 11

Ok so - this is the first week I have lost less than half a pound. I DO have to admit that the day before I weighed in I replaced my soup with two bloody mary's with a couple of olives so I guess you could say I had it coming. I have noticed that I have lost some weight this week, though, and I expect that my loss will be a bigger leap than my usual 2.5lb-4lb per week (which I am going to take to mean that I was just bloated on Monday :).) This week I had the obstacle of going to Portland to celebrate my best friend's birthday. The food part was no problem for me (I just packed my meals and a shaker bottle). The real obstacle was trying not to drink as I am reunited with my best friend, playing games at a board game bar, going out to karaoke, and attending a drag brunch. It was all just so fun I thought a little tequila and/or vodka couldn't hurt ... I will say, I thought that I would be affected by alcohol more quickly than average due to the low calories but I didn't really notice a difference. I will say that I drank a lot more water throughout the night and really nursed my drinks so it could be that, too. Either way - part of my obstacle when doing programs like this is that I start getting into a perfectionist state of mind (if I get off track I FAIL). I will say that having a little bit of the least caloric drinks I can find felt like a lot better win than having a meal off plan or totally going overboard with healthy snacks (aka a lot of sugary fruit). All in all - I am still moving in the right direction and .8lbs this week may just meen 4+ lbs next week.

DR. APPT

My doctor's appointments are getting shorter and shorter now that we have gotten to know each other a little more. The doc says I am moving in the right direction but that he wants to get me down under 200lbs (I was 222.4 on Week 11 weigh in for reference). We decided that I am going to keep going on the full meal replacement until our next appt. (on 12.10.2021) which means that I have committed with the diet for another few weeks AND for Thanksgiving. The doctor said if I need to eat the big meal to focus on the green veggies and plain turkey. If I need to have pie or other sweets or carbs, have one bite than put it down. Secretly, I am relieved to do full meal replacement on Thanksgiving so I am not tempted to go way overboard. I am getting nervous for transition and the thought of gaining weight back.

Another update is that I told him I was tired all the time and he said this was due to my slowing metabolism. Walking more should help my energy increase.

CLASS 12

My mother in law is visiting this weekend so I would be lying to you if I told you I was completely paying attention to the lesson and not preparing the house and linens. I love the beginning of the class when we all get to share how are weeks went and when we kiki about tips and tricks for weight loss. I participated in that and made sure to congratulate my peers on their weekly wins but I did look away for much of the actual lesson. Although I wasn't paying attention, I do love that my dietician sent out the course material after so that when I do have an off night that I can still benefit from the class knowledge.

Overall, I am excited to keep going. (and excited to hit 50 since it's a big reward, aka jewelry).

[cl-oelia]

I am really bad at following through with the concept of self care > work (which is pretty much what destroyed the last 2-3 years). This is so minor, too. I scheduled an appt with the dietician o. Thursday afternoon, and afterward was inform that a meeting got rescheduled to that time, and I can’t get out of the appointment because otherwise I won’t see her until April. So I have to go, and I have to tell my boss I can’t make it.

My office is pretty adamant about self-care and keeping a good work/life balance, especially given the current campus situation. I know I won’t Get In Trouble but my job is currently up for grabs until the end of next week and I feel like I might actually not get re-hired for next fall and if I’m on Thin Ice then I can’t make any mistakes even tho it’s not a mistake just unfortunate timing but holy shit!!!!!!!!! I hate me

[newfruits]

ive found that in a day i burn 2600 to 2800 calories thanks to my fitbit and thats like. without exercising

[br0kenbutterfly]

15/5/2017

So its 2am, its fucking freezing cold, but I have to write this because if I dont, itll be just like all the other stuff I look back on and wish I had some recollection of how I felt. Like all my childhood diaries that I started. Or the abandoned derby tumblr thats still lurking somewhere. Anyway.

I had my initial appointment with a surgeon today about weight loss surgery. I’ve been thinking about surgery since about 2013, and seriously for the last 9 months or so. I’ve talked to several people who have had various surgeries (including mum, my friend and a friend of my aunts), and done my research. Ive discussed this with my (awesome amazing wonderful) GP, and our work counsellor Ann-Marie, who are both incredibly supportive. I’m paying for this surgery privately, which cuts hugely into the savings Ive accumulated since I was 15 for a house, but I can wait for a house. Every year I don't do this is a year Im kinda wasting my youth on being huge and not happy and making excuses for not doing things Id like to do. Not that Im unhappy all the time, but my weight is a safety blanket, kinda like my depression was my safety blanket for not leaving oamaru. I just dont wanna wait until Im accepted into public surgery (which Ive been on the list for since 2013) because at that point Ill probably be in my 50s and have so many health issues. Like for goodness sake, im 26 and I have pre-diabetes, polycystic ovaries that mean im probs infertile, a perpetually sore back that means i cant walk for more than a block without having to stop, my knees and ankles give out randomly. Anyway. Im rambling. 

My appointment was with Dr Flint, who I chose because thats who my friend had surgery with (and because the other guy was the one who did my consult for public surgery and he was a right royal douche). He was lovely, and explained both procedures (roux-en-y and gastric sleeve) really well. Im going to have a gastric sleeve, because the ongoing risk of complications like IBS and hernias are smaller (and because you dont have to be on vitamins for life and my god i hate taking meds). He weighed me - ive put on like 5kg since i last weighed myself (fuck) but to be fair i did have my docs on. So my offical starting weight is 157.8kg, which is a terrifying number and also this is probably the first time ive admitted my weight to anyone who isnt a medical professional in a long long time holy shit. Apparently if everything goes well i should be around 95kg afterwards (like 2 years away).

After I went through everything with the surgeon, I saw his nurse? receptionist? general fucking awesome person Denise. Shes so lovely. She talked me through the appointments I need to have next (which tbh is part of the reason I want to to it privately, because i know its not just about the surgery, its about learning to live as a smaller person, and i fucking dont know how to eat properly, and id really like to do some exercises that dont hurt my damn back all the time). So I have to see the dietician, and an exercise consultant, and a psychiatrist, and then back to the surgeon for pre-op appt. My surgery is scheduled for the 11th July, which means Ill be on preop diet from like, the 13th June I think? I might buy some optifast and try it for some breakfasts first. Im so not looking forward to that bit.

Then because I was like, nervous as fuck after my appointment, I went and cuddled ellas tiny humans and then talked to laura and watched sense8. 

My biggest fears at the moment are:

-me fucking this up. like what if i cat do it, if my willpower is awful, and i screw it up and throw $20k down the drain. How shit will I feel about myself if the surgery doesnt work, because theres not really any more drastic options. what if i put all the weight back on like my uncle, or drink frozen coke and dont eat protein like my mum

-mum. i havent told her yet....im telling her tomorrow. im worried shes gunna be weird about it. not in a “you shouldnt have the surgery” kinda of way, im worried she will want to know how much i weigh, and give me well meaning comments about how i shouldnt be eating this or that, or go the other way and want to have a massive blowout before i start optifast. 

-who do i tell? apart from the internel lol (im guessing only like 3 people i know in real life will read this). do i tell my dad? i should but again, im so worried about what he’ll think, how he’ll judge me. 

-i think in general im so used to the comments about my weight that im really caught up with it as part of my identity? Like I hate all the health and fitness ads because it just reminds me of me not being fit and healthy, but i wonder if some part of me likes being fat to be a rebel, because some weird part of me feels like im failing by conforming to societys (and my dads) wishes about how i look and act. idk. 

- hahahahahh optifast. ive heard it tastes awful and i have 6 weeks of it, then purees (goodie), then soft food. also imma have to eat veggies. fuck.

I’m excited about:

-being able to maybe actually skate well?! being able to do general things like run after izzy or go for a bike ride with people without being like yeah nah i cant do that because it hurts. itd be nice to walk up the stairs without looking like ive run a half marathon. id be nice to walk to work without my back cramping up so bad i have to stop and stretch it several times. 

-im kinda looking forward to meeting with the exercise person. I see a lot of people in the #GRRLarmy and stuff and I want to be strong, but I am terrified of the gym and im really hoping shell be able to help and be a good motivation

-the dietician will be good to because lord knows im terrible at cooking for myself no matter how many well meaning people try and teach me. i just wish i didnt have to eat. 

-possibly having lower food bills - currently i spend like a quarter of my income on food which is ridiculous and i dont know how to stop.

Right so that was a novel. Now its 3am and i have to go talk to my boss and ask her for time off for 5 preop appointments in the next 6 weeks, as well as hi im going to need 2 weeks off work lololol. Oh, and tell my mum im having major surgery in 6 weeks and i didnt tell her i had an appointment to talk about it. whoops. wish me luck x

[coolieoho-blog]

i have felt so many emotions today and i feel like emptying my brain so all of my thoughts are not stuck in there to grow into negativity. i woke up today in a pretty decent mood even though i woke up an hour later than i was supposed to. i got ready and put on a dress that was semi form fitting, like you could see my tummy and butt through it, and i was pleasantly surprised with how i thought i looked. i felt good about my appearance!! i've been working really hard on body image and acceptance recently. i went to the dermatologist because my acne has been really, really bad recently. the guy was so nice and reassuring and he put me on two medications to help it clear up. that made me feel really good because my acne has been making me reallllllly hate how i look. and i felt like an adult for finding a new doctor by myself!! i walked over to the south loop to meet up with anna for lunch. i got a really yummy meal that met all of my meal plan!!! i actually enjoyed every bite of it. it was really nice getting to see anna for a bit during the day!!! i love her a lot. i had a job interview at 1:30, and i was so nervous for it!! i walked over to the coffee shop where i was interviewing and showed up about 15 minutes early, so i had to wait a little bit. of course in those 15 minutes i began overthinking everything and got kind of anxious, but i did some paced breathing and calmed down. my interview went really well i think. i interviewed with two different managers, the first one said i did perfectly and that i seemed like a really genuine and cool person!!!! he made me feel like super confident that i was getting the job. the second manager interviewed me and that went really well too, however i didn't get as much reassurance other than him saying that everything i said sounded really great. he said that he will let me know by friday at the latest whether or not i got the job. i'm really really really hoping i get it!! for many reasons. one being that i need money. two, i have always wanted to be a barista. three, once i have a job i will feel like i'm actually doing something with my life again!! if i get it, great, if i don't, it's ok and i will find another job. after that i went to millennium park because the coffee shop is right across the street from it, and it was so sunny and felt so nice and there were just so many happy people taking pictures with the bean. i felt a happiness i haven't felt in far too long. i can't even explain it, i guess i just am doing better than i ever have before in regards to recovery. like i am living in chicago, i am recovering from an eating disorder, i am getting a job, i'm starting to love myself. i have so many good things going for me. i was tearing up because i was so happy!!!! after that i walked to my dietician' appt. this is where my mood went down a little. the only real struggle i'm having right now with my meal plan is getting all my snacks in. i'm supposed to be having 3 a day, but i usually only eat 1 or 2. so when i met with my dietician, she said that my weight has gone down a bit since we last met. that's really concerning because 2 weeks ago she was telling me i needed to gain more weight to get back to a healthier weight, and now i'm down ever more, which means she wants me to gain even more. she said she is giving me the opportunity to start eating all my snacks again to see if that will get my body to where it needs to be. but if there isn't any improvement (and especially if lose more) by next week, she's going to increase my meal plan. which sucks. for the first time in my life i don't want to lose weight. and it didn't even make me feel good when she told me i had lost some. which i guess is really good right? she also said if i get the job as a barista, i'm going to have to eat more just because i'm going to be exerting more energy. one thing that made me feel really good about that conversation was that she said that "my body is not able to sustain itself with my current nutritional intake". it made me feel good because i really want my body to be healthy and knowing that even though i feel like i'm eating too much, i'm literally not eating enough and that my body is turning to itself for energy. i don't want that!! i want to be fueling my body with enough energy so it doesn't have to break itself down in order for me to survive. i'm starting to trust my body and my treatment team more than my eating disorder. it's really weird and scary but i'm doing it. i had IOP right after, which was incredibly boring. i hate when we just do packets, like it's so boring and i just get grumpy. plus i had a caffeine withdrawal headache and my energy level was definitely feeling it too. then i started about school next year. i don't know where i'm gonna go. i love loyola and i love chicago. and i love anna. my heart is just torn. i don't want to get into that right now. dinner was difficult because i was upset about school and i didn't feel good. we had these spinach and cheese empanadas and they were just gross. i tried to eat them but i couldn't finish. also i even chose to eat a cookie!! they were optional!! go me. anyway, dinner was hard and i literally couldn't eat it because it was gross which just kind of confirmed my eating disorder that i shouldn't have eaten it. but i drank my supplement. and that really hurt my stomach, it made me super nauseous. i got in my uber and my mom texts me saying don't be upset and that everything's fine. and then she goes on to say that my dad has been having seizures since his surgery back in april. that they just didn't tell me or my sister about. he was just having them in his sleep like once or twice a month but he stopped taking his medicine and i guess that made them or frequent. i was so fucking upset i was like silently crying in my uber. i love my dad so much i don't want him to be sick or hurting. they don't even know what's wrong with him and he can't get into a neurologist for 2 months. my mom said the next time he has one she's calling 911 in hopes that they will be able to see and treat him sooner. i got home and was crying on my front porch while smoking a cigarette and a guy that lives in the apt below me comes out the door and was like "are u locked out? do u want me to leave this door open?" and i was like .... no i'm ok..... my makeup was a mess ..... and then he walks past and was like "i'm joey, i'm your neighbor". a great first impression. i called my dad and he was like i'm fine blah blah blah. i'm just so scared for him. he doesn't deserve this!!! he's such a good guy!!!!!!!! i called anna after and her voice always makes me feel better. now i'm laying in bed so so so sleepy while alfie lays next to me. it's been a very long day. okay bye