#didn't work. hence realizing that dealing with social backlash and medical shit was the only way to deal with it | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

vamptastic · 3 days ago

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i am very tired by people discussing transitioning as this sort of journey of self-actualization. happy it was like that for you but personally it was just better than not transitioning. i do not feel that i went on a beautiful journey of self-discovery so much as did what made me the least suicidal. to be fair, i was also 11 when i came out, so perhaps i would feel more purposeful about it if i had been in my 20s or later.

#i was actually extremely distraught when i realized being trans was what was Going On with me #just because well. i spent a lot of time thinking i was going to crack the code to being a woman #that it would all pass and eventually the feeling of wrongness around myself and the idea of an adult woman future self would go away #and most of what i was told by adults or read was along the same lines #but well. it wasn't passing. and the distress was quite a lot more severe than most girls' struggles around puberty seemed to be #and realizing that it was Never going to just go away and that i had to do something difficult and socially ostracized #in order to make the dysphoria stop was. upsetting. but again- the only option #i tried to ignore it for about a year actually! and when coming out when badly i tried to closet myself too #didn't work. hence realizing that dealing with social backlash and medical shit was the only way to deal with it #but yeah at no point did i ever feel like transitioning was like... some happy realization of how to become my True Self #ppl talk about it like fucking. realizing your true passion is painting instead of finance #and uh for me it was so profoundly not like that and i spent a long time wishing i would just stop being dysphoric #it's kinda people framing it as like.. a choice? and like idgaf if someone genuinely Does transition as a choice bc i trust them #to make their own decisions. but like. for most of us it is not a choice. a lot of us wish we did not Have to transition.#idk man. i guess it's this attempt to fight the idea that nobody should transition bc of how hard it is?#but instead it just starts to feel like denying that transitioning is hard in the first place

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