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mcfiddlestan · 3 years ago

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Fic Writer Questions

I'm bored and this was in a note on my phone from forever ago, so I must have been tagged at some point. Apologies to whoever tagged me. 🥴

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

52. Though, I used to have a few more. I deleted a few fics some years ago bc I hated that they were just sitting there unfinished. I was going through a particularly brutal bout of writer's block that affected both my fic writing and my RP writing.

2) What's your total AO3 word count?

720,782. And I was stressing about a 30-page thesis. 😂 (which ended up being over 15,000 words)

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

I started writing fic in 2000 with *NSYNC, Christina Aguilera, and Backstreet Boys fics. I stopped writing a bit around 2004-2007 (because of a stupid boy) and picked it up again in 2012 after reading some awesome Cherik fics and wanting to write my own FrostIron College AU when I read one that was good, but kind of disturbing. I think I write for one fandom -- Marvel -- but, like different factions of it. FrostIron and WinterFrost mostly, with a dash of Stucky, ThunderFrost, DashingFrost, and WinterIron.

4) What are your Top 5 fics by kudos?

Black Light Special (WinterFrost) - 628 kudos

Can I Bum A Ride? (WinterFrost) - 425 kudos

Empire State of Mind (FrostIrom) - 420 kudos

Dark Side (FrostIron) - 398 kudos

A Worthy Collection (FrostIron) - 309 kudos

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I really do make an effort to respond to every single comment, even the not-so-nice ones. I want people to know I've seen and read the comment they took the time to post, so even if I just thank them for reading and commenting, I respond.

6) What's the fic you've written with the angstiest ending?

Considering it features two -- count 'em, two! -- major character deaths, it's definitely Empire State of Mind. Though, I'd argue Dark Side is a pretty close second.

7) What's the fic you've written with the happiest ending?

Probably Ghosts That We Knew. It was the final fic in the trilogy that is the Picture Perfect Series. It follows Loki and Tony from when they meet in college and ends 30+ years later.

8) Do you write crossovers? If so, what is the craziest one you've written?

No, not really. And I rarely, if ever, read them. There's no real reason behind it other than I've just never come upon one and thought "ooh I need to read that."

9) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

Yes. I got a lot of hateful messages after I completed Empire State of Mind. People were really angry at me for killing off two major characters. I mean, a lot of the messages were "omg I hate you but I loved this!" kind of vibe. But there were a few that cussed me out and called me names for writing it.

I had some chapters of a Fools Rush In FrostIron AU posted a while ago, in which Loki was a female, the only daughter in both the Odinson and Laufeyson families. Following the storyline of the Matthew Perry/Salma Hayek movie, Loki meets Tony Stark in a bar and gets pregnant from a one night stand. Anyway, I got a lot of messages telling me that Odin's misogyny and mistreatment of Loki was unrealistic -- even though I had literally modeled his behavior after the movie that inspired it. 🤷🏽

I have some prompts done for the 100 Ways to Say ILY writer's block challenge and for one of them, I borrowed the storyline from an episode of Will & Grace when Will's father dies of a heart attack after they have a bad argument where his father basically admits he wished Will wasn't gay so he could have had an easier life. In the epsiode, the fight starts because Will's parents gift his baby blanket to Grace, who is pregnant with her ex-husband's child. Will takes offense, they don't understand why bc he never mentioned wanting children, and a fight ensues. Similarly, in my fic, Frigga and Odin offer a pregnant Natasha (his BFF) Loki's blanket. Some readers did not like this and did not understand why I would write it. In another prompt, one that was literally how my last relationship ended, got some harsh critiques. Those ones hurt especially bc it was such a personal experience I wrote about.

And I actually got into a fight -- like a screaming match -- IRL with my best friend's boyfriend at the time. One of my bestie's friends asked about my fanfiction and I gave them the gist of one of my stories where Loki has a brief relationship with Sif that results in a child and later reconnects with Tony. Later on, Sif offers to be a surrogate for Tony and Loki and eventually births three more children for them. Bestie's boyfriend could not fathom why a woman would purposely get herself impregnated and then give the child away. I tried to explain that this was a thing that a lot of women did IRL -- and some don't even use their own eggs, but the eggs of a woman who cannot conceive; Sif used her own eggs so that all four children were half related (two by Loki, two by Tony). But he just did not believe me and told me I must not be a very good writer. Worst night of my life.

10) Do you write smut?

I was just telling @teadrinkingwolfgirl the other night how when I first started writing fic I did not write sex scenes. It was always inferred or glossed over. When I started writing again in 2012, for FrostIron, it was my first time writing more detailed sex. I cite Jackie Collins as my smut-writing mentor. I've written almost exclusively M/M smut.

11) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

Not that I know of.

12) Have you ever had a fic translated?

Yes! Which is like the best thing ever! A couple of my older fics have been translated to Russian. I have one *NSYNC fic that was made into an audio fic. And someone recently messaged me on ff*net to ask to translate as many of my fics as they can to Spanish. :D

13) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No, not technically. I've gotten a lot of prompts and ideas from friends and mutuals, and I started reformatting my WinterFrost RP with my ex from 2014-2015 into novel form a while ago. That's tecnically the only thing I've written with someone else and published.

14) What's your all time favorite ship?

I have two that will always, ALWAYS, have my heart and attention. FrostIron (Tony Stark/Loki) and WinterFrost (Bucky Barnes/Loki). They are the two ships that I write the most, read the most, and seek out fanart for the most.

15) What's a WIP that you want to finish but don't think you ever will?

Probably The Flame. It's a fic that starts out ThunderFrost (not related; Asgardian Prince Thor semi-rescues an imprisoned Jotun Prince Loki) but eventually ends up FrostIron. It's the only fic I've ever written that features Loki with both male and female biology. I have a few chapters done but I haven't worked on it in years.

16) What are your writing strengths?

I like to think I write realistic relationships. And I think my dialogue is also realistic and easy to grasp. And I put a lot of humor in between all the angst and hurt.

17) What are your writing weaknesses?

I think I get too detailed with background. I just reread my Picture Perfect series (which I do like once a year), and there are literal paragraphs of background that in Google Docs is like pages and pages. But I want to make sure people understand my characters! LOL

18) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

I'm a big fan of it. I featured a lot of Norwegian in the Picture Perfect series. And French. I think as long as it flows with the storytelling and it's not forced on the characters it can be really cool. It should be natural. I always leave a translation list at the end of the chapter or explain in-text what was said. Which I think most authors I've read do.

19) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

The Backstreet Boys. LOL. Don't judge. I started writing my own fics after discovering BSB fanfiction written by an author named Mistress Lynz. She wrote a lot of fics about bloodletting, but I really enjoyed the fics where the guys were hooking up with each other behind the scenes, LOL explains why I write mostly M/M now. 😂

20) What's your favorite fic you've written?

They're kind of like my babies so at different times different ones are my faves. But if I really had to pick one, I would say Stay With Me is my favorite. I got some of the most amazing comments on this story from people that found meaning and themes in the story that I didn't even realize I'd put in there. It was one of my first WinterFrost fics I'd posted and the response was more than I could have asked for.

And now I have to tag people! @teadrinkingwolfgirl @incredifishface @incubigirl @rabentochter @marvelswinterfrost and whoever else feels up to it.

xoxo

#fic writer meme #fic writer questions #all my fics #my writing #frostiron #winterfrost #stucky #thunderfrost #winteriron #dashingfrost

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archaeopter-ace · 4 years ago

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Fic Writer Tag Gam

Tagged by @eurazba and @im-the-king-of-the-ocean, thanks!

Fandoms: (I’m going to name all the ones that were ever Major Fandoms to me, past and present. As in, have I sought out at least one 40k+ fanfic for it? Usually these sorts of tag games will ask for my top ten or something, and I never get to lay them all out. Or at least as many as I can remember. Bolded my current interests)

Danny Phantom, Detective Conan, Doctor Who, Smallville, BBC Merlin, Bleach, Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood, Lois & Clark: the New Adventures of Superman, Buffy the Vampire Slayer*, Good Omens, White Collar, The Dresden Files, Stargate SG-1, Rurouni Kenshin, Spider-Man, MCU, Marvel 616, Loki: Agent of Asgard, Supernatural, Young Justice, Blue Exorcist, Star Wars, Avatar the Last Airbender, Rise of the Guardians, The Flash, Welcome to Night Vale, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, Gravity Falls, Lucifer, Detroit: Become Human, Sherlock, Tales of Arcadia

* Once upon a time I read a lot of Buffy crossovers, and then moved on to straight Buffy fics, without ever having seen any of the show. I did eventually see some episodes, but the vast bulk of my knowledge comes purely from fanfic

Where you post: Sometimes here on tumblr, though I don’t think I have it all unified under one tag, since my-writing is also used for meta talking about my writing...

AO3 is the best place to find the most up-to-date versions of my stuff. It’s a pain to correct typos on ffnet so I generally don’t, though there’s a couple of older fics there that I haven’t crossposted because they are incomplete.

Most popular multi-chapter fic: Internal Affairs with 7593 hits. It is the most-bookmarked Barry Allen & David Singh fic on AO3, whoot! It’s niche, but it’s a good niche

Favorite story you’ve written so far: Hard to say between Autoeponym and Metamorphosis. They’re both part of the same AU, and I’m just really excited about it :D

Fic you were nervous to post: Relative Truth. It was the first work I ever posted that was meant to be taken seriously (as opposed to cracky 100 word crossover drabbles), and it was my first plotty, multichaptered fic. Who knows, some day I might even finish it! ;P It’s only been eight years...

How you choose your titles: If the show has a particular pattern of naming, I try to match that if I can. So since White Collar has double-meaning titles, I went with Relative Truth, playing on the fact that truths are revealed about Neal’s family tree.

Otherwise, I gravitate towards one-word titles (perhaps a result of the fact that I first started really paying attention to episode titles with Smallville). I further have a fondness for somewhat obscure and/or sciency terms, so Keraunopathy, Inertia, Philae, Autoeponym, Metamorphosis - but in the case of chapter titles in a one-shot collection, it might just be the topic or central thing that inspired it (Ice Cream, Chickenpox, Awake, Slumber, Cockroaches).

More rarely, I’ll use a longer phrase or pull from an idiom - Cisco Answers the Phone, Henry Allen Has Never Been Rick-Rolled, The Girl in the Mirror, Where There’s a Will.

Do you outline: Yes, to varying degrees. Sometimes I treat it like writing an essay and just lay out my ‘topic sentences’ in order, so I know what happens in each paragraph, and then I have a place to ‘file’ whatever bits of writing I do. Sometimes for something more plotty I’ll have it organized more like a typical outline with different levels, although what usually ends up happening is I’ll start and stop several different outline attempts, and then stitch together what bits I can into a Frankenstein outline that may or may not actually be followed.

Right now, for Don’t Listen to Kafka, I’m attempting my most ambitious, color-coded storyboard to date

Complete: Inertia, my Flash one-shot collection, has finally been marked complete since the odds are quite low that I’ll ever return to that fandom, but the whims of my attentions have surprised me before, so who’s to say. Internal Affairs, the Singh spin-off of that one, has likewise been marked completed. The Haunting of Harrison Wells was successfully written on a deadline, for an event.

More recently, The Girl in the Mirror, Autoeponym, Metamorphosis, Mohs Scale, and I Was a Teenage Troll are call complete, though all but the first are part of in-progress series, so...

In progress: The aforementioned Relative Truth, though at some point I should probably just admit it’s a dead!fic. It’s just really hard to let go completely.

As-yet-untitled next work in Don’t Listen to Kafka. While Claire might know about trolls, there’s still a gaping baby-brother-shaped hole in her knowledge. Somebody should do something about that...

The bit-after-the-next-bit-which-might-be-its-own-bit-or-might-be-a-separate-fic: Jim’s transformation continues! Barbara knows krav maga! Plans are made! Haemerythrin, the oxygen-binding pigment of marine worms, becomes a relevant analogy!

Some more one-shots in I Was A Teenage Troll AU, because I have a lot of backstory that I haven’t used yet.

Coming soon/not yet started:

As long was we understand ‘soon’ to be highly subjective and subject to change:

A Gravity Falls x Trollhunters crossover. Man, I love reading crossovers but I haven’t written that many...

The Garage. Told from a Changeling’s POV, who was able to keep working as a mechanic at his garage even after he lost his human form when the Familiars were rescued (because he’d already been outed as a troll years before). The story begins when Jim shows up at the garage with a message for Craig Dunlin.

Hey Brother. What I call the Vermont Half-Brother AU. Written entirely in epistolary form, because I’ve never used a groupchatting app in my life and I don’t think I could write a chatfic between two people convincingly. On the other hand, it’s hard to justify writing letters back and forth when both of them have cell phones...

Do you accept prompts: I like the idea of prompts but I know for a fact that I would not be able to fill them. I’m not a very prolific writer at the best of times, imagining I could fill a prompt in any sort of timely manner is sheer fantasy.

Upcoming story you are most excited to write: Don’t Listen to Kafka. My outline is almost solid enough that I feel like I have enough of a framework to start working on details, and I love working on details.

I tag:

@rockymountainvixen @luvtheheaven @kalajorn

#tag game #my writing #arch not archie

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motherhenna · 5 years ago

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Writers Rants: Backstory

How to Smoothly Integrate a Character’s Past into the Narrative

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If you are even remotely interested in the process of writing, then you’ve probably heard this phrase at least a hundred times over: show, don’t tell. Such a vague sentiment, but hell if it doesn’t pack a punch. In fact, it’s probably one of the only “rules” of storytelling that ought to be followed as closely as possible and as often as possible—at least in my opinion. But what, exactly, does it mean? In layman’s terms, show don’t tell is a simple recommendation: that authors should actively illustrate a concept rather than passively explain it. Why? Simple. One leaves the reader more room for interpretation and draws them deeper into the action at hand, and the other just…well, tells them what to see and what to feel in the same way a set of DIY instructions describe how to make a quirky set of kitchen lights out of mason jars. While yes, you got a straightforward idea of what to expect, did you actually have fun reading it?

These basic concepts are important to understand if you consider yourself a writer of any kind, as they function as the foundation for a) improving your prose, b) strengthening your characters, and c) forming a flowing narrative that will catch and keep readers’ attention. And naturally, this also applies to the art of exposition.

Most people with even a cursory knowledge of telling a story know that characters should never be blank slates. If you have any desire to portray even a facsimile of real life, you have to put at least some effort into fleshing out the main characters. And when I say ‘flesh out’, I mean do more than just describing what they look like, a laundry list of personality traits, and what they’re wearing. I’m not going to go into this process deeply, as that’s a matter for another think-piece entirely, but it’s a starting point for the more convoluted parts to come. What I’m building up to is that your characters need a backstory, especially if they’re the one(s) through whom we, as readers, experience the story, i.e., the point of view (POV) character. This applies to both first- and third-person limited narratives, unless you’re going for a more anonymous / incidental narrator, like Mr. Lockwood in Wuthering Heights.

Now, these backstories don’t have to be a strict, detailed, chronological transcription of every year in that character’s life (though doing so certainly doesn’t hurt!) Rather, you should write it much like you would describe your own life if you had to plot it out on a timeline. At first, just stick with the most essential elements: where and when in history they were born, whether they have siblings or present family, and a simple list of significant events from various periods in their life. What specific things have most influenced who they are as a person, for good or ill? Next, it’s time to look at the family, since nothing impacts an individual more than how they were raised and how they were treated during their formative years. Were their parents present during their childhood? What was their parents’ relationship like before and after your character’s birth? Are they natives of the country in which the story is set, or did they immigrate—and if they immigrated, why did they do so? All of these and more are, to me at least, vital to developing a well-rounded and realistic character. I’ve even gone so far as to type out entire timelines for each character as well as their parents. Personalities, quirks, trauma—these are all just as hereditary as one’s genes, though this doesn’t mean that this inheritance has to be through blood. Nature vs. Nurture: they’re both equally important in the formation of an individual.

…So, what to do when you’ve finished all that? Do you dutifully transcribe it into the first chapter of your story? Absolutely not. Copy it into a separate document window and keep it there. A large chunk of this is for your benefit: most likely, less than half of it will make it into the written canon of the novel, and for good reason. All of that detailed history isn’t for the reader, it’s for you to use as a framework. Some of the most powerful elements to realistic characters are the unseen, the implied: all the hidden little things that lie just under the surface, but are never fully visible to the naked eye.

What a lot of inexperienced writers may not realize is that everything doesn’t always have to be stated unequivocally through dialogue or info-dumps. How often, in real life, do acquaintances explain upfront that this specific behavior they often exhibit is a result of how they were abandoned by their father and raised by an emotionally distant mother? Most people don’t psychoanalyze everything, nor do we ourselves do it to others—at least not often! Plus, it’s boring. Getting to know characters over the course of a story should be comparable to meeting a new friend. You find out the surface things at first, but pick up bits and pieces along the way that hint at what lies deeper inside. Little by little, you learn about their family, their hopes, dreams, fears…not always directly, and sometimes even in spite of their desire to keep up a front of normalcy.

With all this said, I think it’s become clear where I stand on backstory: it should be subtle, woven gradually into the narrative rather than stated by the character themselves or described by an omniscient narrator. Not only does this make the process of reading about it flow better and progress more naturally, it’s also far more interactive. Instead of being told why a character acts the way they do, the reader can catalogue said character’s actions, motivations, dialogue, and the way they interact with their surroundings, gradually putting the puzzle pieces together for themselves. In a sense, it’s almost a reward for those who read with a careful, inquisitive eye, and can be just as satisfying as solving a mystery before the detective does in a murder mystery.

I’ve used—and will continue to use—a lot of metaphors in this section because it’s the most thorough way I can to explain this process and why it’s so important. That being said, I approach backstory in the same way I might organize a scavenger hunt. It’s not about a treasure map, but rather an ongoing set of little discoveries without which the ultimate prize can never be found. But in keeping with this analogy, why would anyone want to take part in this if a) they’re just given the prize’s location outright, or b) don’t really care about the prize anyway?

When you’re straight-up told about character’s backstory within the first few chapters, there’s no groundwork for investment. Why should I care about this character’s history if I don’t even know them yet? Investment is a gradual process, and ought to be an interactive process too. One of the best strategies of implying backstory without stating it directly is illustrating how a character reacts to specific triggers. Yes, you can tell the reader in the character’s introductory paragraph that he was almost killed in a house fire as a child, which still haunts him to this day—but how else can you impart this information more effectively and poignantly? For some examples, he might…

Be too frightened to turn on the stove.

Avoid any type of matches or aerosol at all costs.

Get anxious when filling up his car at gas stations.

Constantly check and re-check the smoke detectors throughout his apartment

Panic when he smells her neighbor’s lit fireplace.

Why would we need to explain to readers what made him this way when we have all the evidence we need to figure it out for ourselves? Of course, there’s nothing wrong with, later on down the line, this character actively opening up about this trauma to a friend or therapist, as this is only natural and also supplies us with details we would have never known otherwise. This just shouldn’t be the first way we find it out.

Another efficient and interesting approach to gradual backstory incorporation is through dialogue. The way a character responds to nosy questions, criticisms, or simple observations tell a lot about the kind of people they are and how they’re coping (or not coping) with potentially painful parts of their personal histories / insecurities. For example, Character A can ask Character B, “Why don’t you want to go out tonight?” In truth, B is trying to back out of these plans because she can’t fit into a dress she was supposed to wear for the party, and is trying desperately not fall back into the pit dug by the various eating disorders she has suffered from since adolescence. She is afraid her friends will want to take group pictures, or remark on what’s she’s eating or not eating, or notice the extra pudge in her stomach. She remembers how her mother would chide her for eating second helpings when she was young, or all the times her ex called her fat. But B is not going to be capable of explaining all of this to her partner. So how does she respond?

1. “I just…feel tired all of a sudden…but don’t let me keep you from going. I don’t want to spoil your night.” Implication: saving face—she doesn’t want to reveal her real insecurities, so she uses a physical illness as a cover story.

2. “What’s it to you? If this stupid party so important to you, then you can just go without me!” Implication: defensiveness—she is uncomfortable being vulnerable, and lashes out instead.

Now obviously these are just two examples of a plethora of different responses a person might have to a question like this. But what matters is that each answer should give the reader some sort of information as to why said character reacts the way they do. And these reactions don’t have to have traumatic roots, either! Perhaps, because Character C’s older sister always encouraged them to stick up for and respect themselves, C is able to take that positive reinforcement and pay it forward, inspired to protect others who may not know how to protect themselves. Positive change ripples and spreads just as much as negativity, and should never be discounted just because a character has gone through their fair share of tragedy, too.

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In short, there is nothing simple or easy about creative writing—there is so much nuance involved in every aspect, though that shouldn’t discourage newcomers from experimenting and taking everything step by step. There are no absolutes in writing, and every rule can be challenged, so take what I say with a grain of salt. But still, I cannot emphasize enough the importance of backstory when developing strong characters, nor how much more natural a narrative will feel when these things are integrated with subtlety and grace. Your characters should never be objects, concepts, or a means to an end: if you want to make them seem real to your readers, then they must first seem real to you.

...And real people all have their own stories: to find them, all you have to do is watch and listen.

#writing tips #creative writing #writing advice #I wrote this like six months ago but forgot to post it ¯\_(ツ)_/¯#motherhenna

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theunsentletterstoyou · 7 years ago

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Dear Muse:

Hi S.

I feel I owe you an explanation, as best I can, of me unintentionally being a total creep on your birthday, though feelings are always tricky to put in writing and this won’t be adequate. Hopefully this will reassure you that I never meant to make you uncomfortable in the slightest – really the very last thing I ever wanted. I feel awful and I’m (still, a month on!) really sorry. I know you said not to worry about it at all and you're probably long over it yourself, but I can’t help it! This might not help. It might make things worse. I’m a terrible judge of these things, as you can probably tell. But here goes.

I don’t fancy you. While I doubt you believe that, it should hopefully go without saying. I mean – eleven and a half year age gap?! But just to be totally clear.

But I sort of approach that feeling from two directions, which collide very uncomfortably and add up to something that from anyone else's point of view probably looks romantic.

First – ever since you were three and impressed me so much with how incredibly mature you were for your age (I'm really surprised you remembered that conversation, last month, so many years on – how on earth do you so clearly remember so long ago and being so young?), I've had the hugest squish on you – to borrow a term from Tumblr. Like a crush, only platonic. A very intense feeling of friendship and desire to be your BFF, basically. I've always really liked you. (Not "like liked", but regular liked, but then again LIKED bold italic underline and larger size, you could say). Not love, but way stronger than regular friendship; I have no idea why. I always regretted that we weren't closer friends than we were. And even after we lost touch for so long I still remembered you very fondly and wanted to be friends again. I'm just rubbish at not letting life get in the way, and suddenly months became years became almost a decade. Turns out seeing you again ended up in almost instinctively releasing all that "HELLO FRIEND :D!" in a great rush before thinking how strong that's coming on from your viewpoint. Oooooops.

Second – you are beautiful. Really unexpectedly pretty.

I don’t mean sexy. I couldn’t find you sexy if I tried. I mean (1) eleven and a half year gap, so UGH, and (2) old close friends, and (3) I first knew you when you were a little baby and vaguely remember changing your nappy once, which would rather kill that thought even if it arose. There's this thing called the Westermarck effect – where someone who has grown up with someone else or known that person as a child can never find them sexy, scientifically it prevents inbreeding – which is very much in effect here. You’re not dating material in my eyes, just not attractive like that, and never will be.

But having said that, looking so to speak with the eye of an artist rather than a lover, the way one might look at a pretty flower or a sunset or a cute kitten or something (horribly objectifying, sorry, but there isn't a better way to put it), or the way I can tell certain celebrities are handsome – David Beckham, say, or Bradley Cooper – without any romantic interest, in the general sense of the word, you are extraordinarily beautiful.

Except it’s stronger than that. The same general feeling as finding a random celebrity generally good-looking or admiring a nice landscape or painting, only up to eleven. For an even better comparison: Seeing you is like walking around on a rainy day, when everything's grey and dull, and then suddenly the rain lets up a bit and the sun shines a bit, and a really bright rainbow appears. And I can’t help but stop and stare at it, with this “wow!” sense of wonder and awe, and think of how beautiful it is. And it’s not something I could ever have any sort of relationship with or even touch – and I have no desire to, even the thought of that makes no sense at all. But the striking sudden and unexpected beauty of it sticks in the mind long after the rainbow itself vanishes, and leaves me with a lasting sense of joy. I think most people I know would react to a rainbow the same way. You’re like that. I did write a song very, very long ago (when you were 3-4) calling you “Rainbow Child” – you might have heard it back in May – it’s still so true.

But there's no real sense of love attached, except insofar as I love everyone in your family (the totally non-romantic way, just a very strong friendship almost like extended family). It's definitely not attraction in the usual sense and I have absolutely no interest in anything more than friendship ever – “oh good”, I hear you say – it’s just “this girl! She's so... well she doesn't seem to be anything in particular. But wow, look!”

You just have one of those faces – this is something I've experienced with a couple of other people – that seems to stand out from far away even in a crowd, as if you were highlighted, to the point that I ask myself “there was a crowd too?” It's literally attractive, compelling like a magnet, my eyes almost can't help but be drawn to you when you're in the same place as me, and my thoughts do the same when you're not. It’s sort of like, if you’re looking at a big painting and most of it is black and white but there’s a red circle somewhere – your eyes just immediately and consistently want to go to the red circle. And you might walk away from the painting and think about that red circle again later in the day because it’s just so visually appealing to you compared to everything around it.

Another comparison I could make was brought on by something Sinead and I were chatting about before you turned up when I popped in last month: at one point she showed me your DVD collection and we got to discussing films, and she mentioned how a clip from one film got inexplicably stuck in her mind for ages afterwards, like a sort of “visual earworm” I think was her phrase. You know the thing: it's like having a favourite song that's so nice you want to listen to it over and over on a loop as long as you can, and maybe that song's a bit catchy and gets stuck in your head, and you find yourself humming it, even when you're not listening to it. And again, you couldn't date music – but you could certainly call some tunes beautiful. I get a visual version of that with your face. Like a Vine loop, maybe. Speaking of which, your actual Vine is insanely addictive!

It reminds me of something I once read in someone's autobiography:

“One of the most vivid experiences I have ever had was sitting quietly for at least an hour before a picture by the Dutch painter Vermeer, and absorbing its sheer beauty… The room was crowded with people, but I was oblivious of them, as I was equally oblivious of the passage of time. As a result of this act of concentration the vision of this particular masterpiece is indelibly stamped on my mind which has forever been enriched by it. I know that my ordinary acts of seeing and observation have been sharpened by that experience. There was drawn from me an acknowledgement of the greatness of the artist and his painting and I caught, with awe, the light of his inspiration and creativeness. It awoke in me a desire to follow in his footsteps and create something beautiful.”

In general, the way I feel about you is the feeling one gets when looking at a beautiful painting. But more specifically, like that man with that particular painting, your face is imprinted on my memory. It's sort of formed the background to most of my other thoughts since late April. Look up Shakespeare's Sonnet 113 and you get a pretty good description (admittedly in olde language) of how I feel. Normally when I see something pretty I just think “wow pretty” for a moment and move on. I’m not sure why you stick so much! I suppose it was the combination of you being quite pretty and that being completely unexpected – at another point we were looking at the family photos on your wall and Sinead showed me an old Vine clip of hers featuring a few of them which pretty much perfectly sums everything up from my point of view – you might know it, the one where she's comparing old photos to your present-day family with increasing surprise. "Then. Now. / Then - now. / Then, now! / THEN! NOW! What's happening to the world?!" She remarked, and I wasn’t going to actually say it but agreed, that your whole face has really changed. Even between then and now too and that wasn't even too long ago! And until April, I hadn’t seen you for so long, since you were seven going on eight: still don't really have any idea how I've managed to keep in touch with your whole family but keep missing hearing from you directly for over a decade. I've always been bad at keeping up with people but that was absurd. I missed you hugely, by the way. So since then I’ve felt exactly like her in that clip, only stronger (“THEN!! / NOW!!” :O :O :O).

You probably got the idea a few comparisons ago, but I just wanted to be totally clear. Getting technical for a bit (because that's how I roll...), I find you incredibly aesthetically attractive. This is a thing that's distinct from, but usually linked to and the beginning of, attraction in the conventional sexual or romantic sense – yes, those are two distinct things. If you know, just skip the rest of this paragraph! There's sexual attraction (“I'd like to get in your pants/hugs/kisses/touching up and ultimately make babies”) which is absolutely not there AT ALL. There's romantic attraction (“I'd like to date you/buy you flowers/"long walks on the beach" etc etc and ultimately marry you”) which is also definitely not there at all. And then there's what this actually is. Aesthetic attraction, in this case disconnected from any other sort. Which is “I wouldn't like any sort of relationship with you beyond simple friendship and could do fine even without that, and have zero interest in any sort of physical contact, but WHOA, your face, I want to look at it SO MUCH, no more than look, but really look and look for as long as possible and just never stop – in an ideal world I'd like to spend time around you just watching you, from a nice respectful distance, and just... drink you in, because you're so incredibly good-looking”.

On top of this (possibly a sort of by-product, but I don't know), as I once told your sister, and you might already know and have seen some of it – every time I've ever seen you, going back years, I've come out shortly afterwards (within a week or two) with some sort of art. Sometimes music, sometimes poems (you've seen a few), sometimes a short story or two, pictures once (not of you – I can't draw people!) And it's quite good art, or so most people who've seen it reckon. Which is remarkable because otherwise I'm not artistic in the slightest. I'd be happy to show you any of it, just ask. You just... really inspire me creatively, for some reason, and that bit has actually been around practically since you were born. If I had to sum you up in a word it would be muse.

I think my point is made. I brought you a present out of simple appreciation and wanting to just… thank you for just being you, super pretty and inspiring you – no actual desire for any relationship of any sort attached. I’m leaving everything right here. It was hard to tone things right. I was going to send you a birthday card, at least, anyway. I’d do the same for Sinead just out of general friendship. I didn't sign it with my name out of the worry you'd react just the way you did. Wasn't expecting for you to answer the door right as I stuck it through your letter box though – so much for anonymity.

I know what you're thinking: if he doesn’t fancy me, then why the "someone special" and why sign the card "admirer"? Simply because anything more (in both cases) was too strong, but anything less not enough. It was hard to find a word for how I feel – for a particularly close-feeling and beautiful friend but it never quite crossing into love –and I picked and phrased the card very, very carefully. Probably not carefully enough, but I tried. (Thank goodness “someone special” is a card category, it does the job quite well.) Even “admirer” is a bit strong, but having linguistic-geek leanings, I settled on admirer for etymological (language origin) reasons: it comes from Latin ad-mirare – literally, to look at, with affection and respect. For some reason it all seemed like a good idea at the time!

That was going to be the last deliberate direct contact I ever had with you after you said you weren't comfortable with it. But I just wanted to clear things up as well as possible, so that hopefully you aren’t uncomfortable any more. I know this is the third(?) time I’ve said “you won’t hear from me again” (random encounters aside), but this time I mean it, unless you care to reply.

I hope you know now I meant well, and would never not mean well. And I hope I'm not making you uncomfortable even now. That's the very last thing I'd ever want; the thought of you creeped out feels like physical harm to me.

I hope you enjoyed the Isle of Wight! Always a pleasure to host you :)

With friendship

“Memories” – or “Thoughts on a Visual Earworm” early June 2016

I cannot forget you! Although I last saw you in April, And now it is June, in my mind I can still see your face. Both waking and sleeping, your memory fills every moment, And summer's long days seem pale shadows of Summer's sweet grace. In all idle moments, my mind jumps to thoughts and to visions Of memories of you, both old and more recent to see, And trees, houses, people – my eye ‘shapes them all to your feature’, As Shakespeare once wrote! Tell me, when will I ever be free? Will it take till the summer fades out into red-golden autumn For Summer to fade from my memory into the past? Or will even in winter each day seem as bright as the summer And might memory-glimpses of you to the New Year last?

And why am I thinking of you? I’d not seen you in ages, Since you were a child, barely thought of you most of that time, Then I saw you again for the briefest few hours – but for weeks since You’ve written yourself into poem after verse after rhyme! You’re almost a stranger to me, and so very much younger, And we barely spoke – so why should I be thinking of you, When many more people have been in my life for much longer, And meant so much more to me: family, friends, lovers true? Why over them all does your likeness seem laid every moment? Why do you inspire every word, line and note of my art? Why though we might not meet in person again for ten more years, Do I find you in each passing moment engraved on my heart?

I wish I could tell what I’m feeling for you, but can’t place it – Romantic it’s not, for the thought makes me sick to my core, Yet a joy and a wonder at thinking of you overwhelms me And a lively creativeness turning to art more and more. It links to a realisation that you are attractive: In strictest of senses – my mind turning always to you, But not in a way that says ‘her I would like for a lover’ (Thank goodness, you cry) – more ‘I’d like to spend time watching you, Then drawing and painting and singing and writing about you’: Like poetry given girl’s form, or a portrait made living, Or a song in a body, that’s how you seem to me, sweet Summer; ‘Aesthetic attraction’, that could be the term for the feeling.

You stand out in a crowd, as if highlighted under a spotlight, As if life were an image in sepia, black, white and grey, But a single bright colourful part of it grabs the attention, And remains in the memory long after looking away. Or as if, on a dull rainy day, there shines out a bright rainbow, An iris of colour so vivid that cuts through the rain And illumines the world with a halo of red, orange, yellow, Green, indigo, violet bright – and then fades out again, Yet while it is there one can’t help but to stare at its beauty, It fills all the heart with a wonder, a joy and an awe, And its image enlivens the mind with its bright shining colours, So that all of the rest of the day the world seems dull no more.

I don’t love you: you can’t love a painting, you can’t love a rainbow, Or a flower, or a sunset, but ‘beautiful’, yes, you could say, And could want to stop, stare at them, dazzled with wondrous amazement, And drink in the transcendent beauty of such things all day. And that's what you’re like, Summer, ‘Rainbow Child’ (so I once called you In a song that I took from a novel): if I had the choice And if rainbows and sunsets and beautiful you didn't vanish, I’d spend hours just watching your face, listening to your sweet voice. When we’re in the same room, your face draws my eye like a strong magnet, When we’re not, I still find that my thoughts to you keep on returning, Like a visual kind of an earworm, stuck in my memory On a loop, red-brown hair and bright eyes in my mind always burning.

Whenever I see you, I find myself turning creative, And trying to capture your beauty in colour and line, But I cannot paint, cannot draw, so it turns into music And poems and prose, to describe your sweet face so divine. (Or rather to try to describe it – my words cannot capture How you move, how you talk, how you laugh, how you smile, how you look: Ten poems would not be enough, and I'm getting the feeling One couldn't sum you up in words even in a whole book!) A ‘muse’ I would call you – a girl who inspires an artist: Indeed I’m no artist except after I have seen you, But then how it flows out, the music and poems and colours, Attempting to echo the memory of beauty so true!

I felt it when you were young too – but now stronger than ever, And far longer-lasting – a month it’s been, yet still you're here In my mind, in my eye, and on all things imprinting your likeness, A sight that with each passing moment seems ever more dear; So lovely, like art made incarnate, infusing my memory With big brown eyes, dark waves of hair, and a face from a dream, Well named, as reflecting the beauty of beautiful summer – The sun, sky, leaves, flowers in bloom; like that season you seem, Full of light, full of laughter and joy, so vivacious and vibrant, Even when summer passes, still Summer will live in you yet: Though autumn and winter tear leaves from trees, bring cold and darkness, Remembering you will bring sunshine: and I can’t forget.

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helenpowers · 7 years ago

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25 Questions Tag

Tagged by @hklunethewriter Thank you!

1. Is there a story you’re holding off on writing for some reason? God, there are a lot.

I have a pirate story that is based around the story of King Midas that I’ve been putting off, mainly because I have other projects that I’m more interested in writing.

Then there is my fantasy Rapunzel retelling that still needs to be edited/revised, which of course is putting it on the back burner. I have to completely rework the magic system and work on my world building, which I’m a little too scared to dive into.

I have a Lesbian Figure Skater story with elements of sleeping beauty that I started outlining last year, but I got super inspired to write Tattoos and Tiramisu so it got put on the back burner as well...

Not to mention the ideas that are still just... barely even ideas.

2. What work of yours, if any, are you embarrassed about existing? All of the fanfic I’ve ever written. Not because of the fact that it’s fanfic, but because it was from when I thought I was actually a really good writer, but in reality I was very mediocre at best.

3. What order do you write in? Front of book to back? Chronological? Favorite scenes first? Something else? I write in chronological order, front to back. I find that if I try to write out of order, I can’t keep the feelings straight in my head, and I have a harder time linking the events together.

4. Favorite character you’ve written? I have two that come immediately to mind. From Scarlett, I absolutely adore Derek. He’s such a sweetie and deserves better than what he gets. In Tattoos and Tiramisu, I love James like no other. My precious baby.

5. Character you were most surprised to end up writing? Scarlett, probably. I had never intended to write that novel, but something happened and it just flowed. Scarlett herself surprised me as well.

6. Something you would go back and change in your writing that it’s too late/complicated to change now I just really need to work on my world building. It’s definitely my weakness as an author.

7. When asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tell people that you write? I love to tell people that I write, however when they ask me to explain my stories... that is when I clam up a bit. I’m always nervous that they are going to judge me based on my ideas.

8. Favorite genre to write Contemporary, usually. I love writing characters and their personal stories. Plus, seeing as world building is not my strength, contemporary allows me to not worry about it too much.

9. What, if anything, do you do for inspiration? Inspiration comes to me a lot through music and other forms of media. I just do the things I love to do and inspiration comes to me through that.

10. Write in silence or with background music? Alone or with others? Always with music. I have playlists for every project I work on, and I’ll listen to that playlist specifically while I am working on that project.

11. What aspect of your writing do you think has most improved since you started writing? I have gotten significantly better at dialogue since I started writing. I still have trouble with it in the first draft, but usually I know how to make it better now, which is something I definitely didn’t understand back then.

12. Your weaknesses as an author? Worldbuilding. Like I’ve mentioned before. Being descriptive with my characters and settings, as well. I tend to write as if my characters are blank and they are standing in a blank space. That’s why my first drafts are always so bare.

13. Your strengths as an author? I think I’m pretty strong when it comes to character interactions. I’m also fairly good at making characters that people enjoy reading about, thank god.

14. Do you make playlists for your work? ALWAYS. Like I said, every project has it’s own playlist. I keep them on spotify and just listen to them on repeat while I’m writing.

15. Why did you start writing? Honestly, I don’t know. I started writing stories when I was like... five or six years old. I loved reading and I think I just wanted to make more stories for myself and others to enjoy.

16. Are there any characters who haunt you? Of my own? None that come immediately to mind.

17. If you could give your fledgling author self any advice, what would it be? Don’t stress about your first draft. That’s what revisions are for. And yes, by the way, you do have to revise AND edit.

18. Were there any works you read that affected you so much that it influenced your writing style? What were they? I will always be amazed my The Book Thief by Markus Zusak. It’s one of my favorite books of all time. Also anything by Rainbow Rowell. I aspire to write characters as well as she does.

19. When it comes to more complicated narratives, how do you keep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, ect.? I use scrivener most of the time, and I keep separate docs for each of those things, then have the main manuscript that I work through while it’s broken into chapters and scenes.

20. Do you write in long sit-down sessions or in little spurts? In NaNoWriMo, then it’s usually longer sit downs. However, through the rest of the year it’s more like little spurts. An hour here or there, whenever I can fit it in.

21. What do you think when you read over your older work? I usually have a really hard time reading it because all I can think about is how it can be improved, but usually they aren’t projects that I want to work on anymore, so just thinking about how to fix them isn’t doing me any good.

22. Are there subjects that make you uncomfortable to write? Nah. I was raised in a family that wasn’t scared to talk about anything, and that kind of wore off on me.

23. Any obscure life experiences that you feel have helped your writing? Nothing that comes to mind.

24. Have you ever become an expert on something you previously knew nothing about, in order to better a scene or a story? In the first draft of Scarlett, she used guitar string to behead her victims, so I became very well versed in murder cases that used similar methods.

25. Copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph that you’re particularly proud of. I posted one of my favorite segments of Tattoos and Tiramisu recently, so I’m trying to go through some of it to find another section that I’m particularly proud of...

This will do, I guess.

“No, not really. I knew it was you a bit further back, but I wanted to make sure you were okay. You looked lonely. Sad.”

“Well, now you can see that I am neither of those things, so you can go.”

“I don’t know. You still look pretty lonely to me.” He looks around, like he’s half expecting there to be someone else just out of his line of sight, but there is no one.

I look behind him and I can see his crew watching us. They seem confused, unsure as to why their leader would be conversing with me of all people. Some of them shrug and continue back into the school, not willing to stay in the cold weather for longer than it takes for them to ruin their lungs. Others, however, continue to watch with frowns.

With a huff James takes off his jacket and puts it on the ground, sitting cross legged on top of it. He keeps his back to the path, like he knows that the others are still there, watching.

“You know, you don’t need to sit with me out in the cold.”

“I know.”

“Your friends look like they’re waiting for you.”

“I can catch up with them later.”

#tag #game #author #writerblr #writeblr #tumblr writing community #writers of tumblr #wips #writing #creative writing #mywriting #tattoos and tiramisu #helen powers

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hrrytomlinson · 7 years ago

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ANNUAL WRITING SELF-EVALUATION

*All answers should be about works published in 2017.

The wonderful @haloeverlasting tagged me <3

1. List of works published this year: (aka all my fics minus my first)

When You Look Like That Pour Your Heart Out How Far We’ve Come The World Still Turns Damn the Dark, Damn the Light

2. Work you are most proud of (and why):

I don’t think it comes to a surprise, but The World Still Turns is hands down my favorite. I think it is the best thing I have ever written and will ever write. I’m so so so beyond proud of it. I’m passionate about the concept, the language I used, the description, the feelings, the IMPACT it has. It’s so profound to me in so many ways

3. Work you are least proud of (and why):

A lot of answers I’ve been reading to this question in particular have been vague or partial or half assed. I’m straight up gonna say I’m least proud of How Far We’ve Come and Damn the Dark, Damn the Light. It is what it is. These fics were written for exchanges, under pressure, under prompt. I love them no less than my other fics, but I am able to recognize that they’re not something I love with my whole entire being. I’m happy I wrote the stories I wrote, but authors are their own worst critic and I know they aren’t my best.

4. A favorite excerpt of your writing:

Harry remembers sitting on the tiny roof off the side of his bedroom after he and Louis climbed out the window around midnight one random summer night. They sat in silence and looked at the stars, pointing out the constellations they knew by heart.

“How many nights do you think it would take to count the stars, Lou?” Harry had asked, voice quiet and shaky.

Louis had hummed, actually thinking about his answer. “Infinity,” he said, voice just as soft, eyes still glued to the heavens above as Harry stared at his best friend’s profile.

[The World Still Turns] or basically anything from this fic is a fave of mine. The dinner table scene in particular !!!!!!!! but spoilers

5. Share or describe a favorite comment you received:

LMAO fucking Nicole @ireallysawanangel wrote a GIANT paragraph of a comment on The World Still Turns (this whole evaluation is really only gonna be about TWST probably rip) and reading it was an experience like nothing before. Honestly I love that TWST touched people (not just nicole!) enough to leave long comments. Feedback in any form means the world to me. I don’t care about kudos (I never look at that number) but I really care about comments, it means a lot to me! x

6. A time when writing was really, really hard:

Damn the Dark, Damn the Light was really hard because I was struggling with school at that time, the plot was hard to nail down, and I felt uninspired through and through, so much I had to force myself to write it just to fulfill a deadline. Writing isn’t always hard for me (PYHO and TWST were so easy) but I just struggled so much that time.

7. A scene or character you wrote that surprised you:

UM the actual lap dance scene from Pour Your Heart Out where Louis dances to Land of Lola from Kinky Boots for Harry. I JUST came back from seeing Kinky Boots on Broadway and was obsessed and just needed to fulfill that desire ASAP. Also Harry’s character in The World Still Turns because he feels very similar to myself.

8. How did you grow as a writer this year:

Oh fuck. Don’t go read my first two fics. They’re probably trash compared to my golden child (The World Still Turns). I grew so, so, so much between Pour Your Heart Out and The World Still Turns. My writing got so much better and I feel more confident. But also that is with a GIANT thanks for my most perfect beta @haloeverlasting. I don’t think my writing would be as spectacular as it is if it wasn’t for her magic touch. I swear, Brit makes me so so much better. TWST would not be what it is if it wasn’t for her.

9. How do you hope to grow next year:

I just want to write my dream fic. I want to perfect it. I want to write the idea in my head the way it is. I want it to be better than I dreamed it to be. If you know me well, you know the EXACT fic I’m talking about. I’m so scared to write it because I’m afraid I’ll fuck up the perfect picture I have in my head. But I have my A+ cheerleader Delaney @emperorstyles to remind me that no one knows my idea better than myself and that it will turn out great in the end.

10. Who was your greatest positive influence this year as a writer (could be another writer or beta or cheerleader or muse etc etc):

Oh jesus. Number one has to be my two BEST FRIENDS Lex @avocadolouie and Jackson @wubwubnparmaham. I love these two crazies with my entire heart. Their writing has influenced my writing, their friendship and support has influenced my writing. They continue to inspire me no matter what and they’re always there for me. They were my first true fandom friends and honestly I could cry thinking about how much I love them.

Next is @haloeverlasting the best beta to ever walk the planet. Thank you for responding to my SOS text post I made during the summer about needing a beta. I was so scared to share my work with you but you’ve only made me shine since then :’)

And my first writing group chat I’ve ever been a part of. You guys are honestly the best pals a gal could EVER ask for.. especially Delaney @emperorstyles, I feel such a closeness to you and honestly you’re one of the bestest friends I’ve ever made, idk what it is about you but i ALWAYS want to talk to you. And Marie @mediawhorefics who I legit fangirled over before i was magically put into a gc with her, her fics are written for my soul and her friendship and love and support honestly shocks me every day because she is a queen in my mind (i REALLY love her fics you guys.. like it’s a big deal) and, again, i feel such a closeness to her and i can’t believe she became one of my best friends this year.

11. Anything from your real life show up in your writing this year:

LOL YES I'm the biggest self-indulgent writer. I wrote Hamilton, Kinky Boots, my favorite French songs, my own job experience, and other shit, including a sexuality crisis, into Pour Your Heart Out. I wrote my own biased Star Trek captain preferences into The World Still Turns. The list goes on and on.

12. Any new wisdom you can share with other writers:

Write what you want to write! Who cares if you don’t think anyone will like it. If you like it, that’s good enough to open a doc and start!

13. Any projects you’re looking forward to starting (or finishing) in the new year:

That fic. You know the one, with makeup and heels and corsets. You know. Also on the to do list is a fic for the Flicker album challenge thing. Idk what my brain will do with that but I’m putting it off like usual. LMAO. ALSO OH I ALMOST FORGOT! The girl crush au. That keeps getting pushed back. But that will be written and published because honestly it’s the best thing ever and I have so much I want to write for it.

14. Tag three writers/artists whose answers you’d like to read.

Only three writers? No thanks. I’ll tag some of my ultimate faves! Sorry if you’ve done this xx @emperorstyles @avocadolouie @mediawhorefics @tommostummie @twoghostsacoustic @aceniall

#tag #about #mine #my fic #idk what to tag this as #lmao

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redrikki · 8 years ago

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Old Haunts.

The title of this story comes from the song of the same title by Gaslight Anthem. If you listen to the lyrics, you’ll see it’s very apropos. I wrote it as part of the star wars flash meme challenge ‘ghosts.’ If you haven’t noticed, I really like prompt memes and challenges. They help give direction to my often aimless imagination. The original story can be found here. DVD commentary under the cut.

Anakin frowned at his idiot grandson all but praying to the warped remains of his old mask. “Why bother asking me here if you’re not even going to listen?”

Obi-Wan coalesced beside him, shaking his head. “A Skywalker ignoring the wisdom of his elders?” he tutted. “I’m shocked, just shocked.” 

Dead or alive, Obi-Wan is a sarcastic dick. His portrayal here owes more to TCW Obi-Wan than Alec Guinness’s performance. The shocked bit is straight from Casablanca though.

Anakin turned away to hide his smile. In the grand scheme of things, they had been enemies for longer than they had ever been friends, and, yet, somehow in death they had fallen back into the easy camaraderie of the war years. It was amazing all the things you could forgive when you were one with the Force. “He’s a Solo,” Anakin pointed out once he’d gotten his face back under control, “and I always listened to the wisdom of my elders.”

Based on our early conversation, I know that this is your favorite bit. I do like the idea that one-ness with the Force really helped them reconnect and get their shit together. Yoda can still go choke though.

“Yes,” Obi-Wan agreed dryly, “and then you went and did whatever you wanted regardless.”

There was a time Anakin would have argued about it. Back during the Clone Wars he would have insisted he had only done it when he’d known his way was right, or maybe he’d have rattled off a few times his failure to follow orders had saved the day. He didn’t now though. Retrospect had blunted his pride and death had made him wise. “My biggest problem was figuring out which elders I should have been listening to.”

This is my favorite paragraph in this because it’s 100% true in all respects. TWC Anakin did only disobey order when he knew he was right and he almost always was. And his biggest problem was that he tended to listen to the wrong people which is to say, any of them. Good god, everyone gave him such stupid, terrible advice. It’s a shame being dead didn’t make Obi-Wan any more self-aware.

As he left to answer a summons from his mater, Ben, or whatever ridiculous name his grandson was calling himself these days, touched Vader’s mask with a look of reverence and longing. The second he was out the door, Anakin launched himself at the horrible little shrine to all the worst mistakes of his life with a wordless snarl, only to pass through it like a breeze. Without Ben here, he didn’t have enough of a tether to do anything. Of course, even with him there was nothing Anakin could do to pull the boy back from the dark.

Obi-Wan just sighed. “Yes, you Skywalkers do seem to have trouble with that one.”

****

“Don’t,” Anakin warned. He wasn’t entirely sure which one he was speaking to, his grandson or his son-in-law. He wasn’t even sure why he bothered. Ben summoned him all the time, but never seemed to hear him, and Solo was about as Force-Sensitive as a post. Neither one listened now. Ben just hardened his heart as his father kept walking towards him with his hands open and his eyes shining with love. The man had to know how this would end, but he just kept coming. This was why the Jedi had cautioned against attachments. Love left you vulnerable just as often as it gave you strength.

Actually, they cautioned against it because they were creepy cult and love creates divided loyalties which undermined their authority, but who’s counting. Don’t mind my salt. Anakin does have a good point about love being a risk.

Solo’s body tumbled from the catwalk as the last of the light drained from the sky, dragging the world down, down into darkness. Anakin felt his children’s grief reverberate through the Force as Solo’s companions screamed out their rage in a hail of blaster fire. Luke had screamed like that when Vader, when Anakin, had cut Obi-Wan down. Ben was reeling back from the wound at his side and his own horror over killing his father. Anakin hadn’t felt that killing his mentor, his brother. He hadn’t felt much at all.

I contend that Anakin-as-Vader confronted Obi-Wan on the Death Star more than half-hoping that Obi-Wan would finish the job he started all those years ago. He felt numb killing him because he a) had depression and b) had been gearing himself up to die, not win.

“Why did you let me do that?” he asked the ghost at his side.

Obi-Wan shrugged. “I was tired,” he confessed quietly. He didn’t say of what exactly, but Anakin could recall the sheer exhaustion of living in a war zone where everyone you loved was either dead or against you. “I thought it might help.”

Obi-Wan also went into that confrontation wanting to die. He just was willing to be a bit more proactive to get what he wanted, largely because he hoped it would inspire Luke to kill Vader.

Anakin laughed humorlessly, still looking down after Solo’s body. He’d wanted to help too, for all the good it did anyone. “Help who? Me or Luke?”

Obi-Wan sighed and wrenched him around. “Both,” he said, gripping Anakin’s shoulders in a way that wasn’t quite a hug but maybe could have been one once. “I thought it would help you both.” He gave Anakin’s shoulders one last squeeze before strolling off down the catwalk. “Of course, in the end, I was right.”

“Luke was right,” Anakin insisted as he followed Obi-Wan out into the snow. “You were just an idiot.”

Obi-Wan did not think it would help both of them and he was not right. Luke was right. Obi-Wan was a self-deluded idiot who wanted to die.

The call of the Force pulled them to where Ben and a girl were fighting. The glow of their lightsabers cut through the gloom. Ben’s was a poorly constructed monster spewing flickering red along the blade and both sides of the hilt, but the girl’s was was an eerily familiar bluish-white. “Is that my old saber?”

“Looks like,” Obi-Wan said in that unflappable way of his, but Anakin couldn’t quite wrap him mind around it. Last time he’d seen it had been back on Cloud City as it fell along with Luke’s hand. Somehow it looked right in her hands now.

The two of them were surprisingly well matched. The girl had clearly never used a lightsaber before, but she obviously had training in some other weapon, a staff maybe. She wielded it like one. Ben had the proper training and experience, but she was fueled with righteous anger while he was bleeding out from self-inflicted grief. The power of the dark side swirled around them, egging them on. The girl took the offensive, slicing Ben, disarming him, knocking him down.

Studying the blade has really changed how I write fight scenes. It’s made me analyze on-screne fight choreography differently and given me a better sense of the rhythm of combat.

“She’s going to kill him,” Anakin realized with a sense of horrified shock.

“Hm, possibly,” Obi-Wan said like they were discussing the weather instead of his namesake’s life.

“No,” roared Anakin and tore the ground asunder. He couldn’t let his idiot grandson die when there was still the slightest hope that someone, someday, might help him regain the light. He couldn’t let the darkness swallow this girl the way it had swallowed him when he’d hunted down the bandits who’d killed his mother.

Come on, you know the idea of that giant chasm forming as being the result of Anakin’s supernatural temper tantrum is deeply cool. Haha, get it? Deeply.

The whole world seemed to flicker like a bad hologram, and it occurred to him that he might have overextended himself. “Anakin,” came Obi-Wan’s voice, as if he was calling from a great distance. “Who are you trying to save?”

I imagine that it takes a lot of energy for a Force ghost to manifest, let alone effect the world around them. They either need to be on a highly Force-charged planet like Dagobah or be a Force powerhouse like Anakin. Team Jedi were only able to manifest on Endor because Anakin was there too to help.

“Both of them,” he said and the world switched back on again as Obi-Wan lent him his strength.

Ben was still sprawled on the ground where he’d fallen, and, on the other side of the chasm Anakin had created, the girl looked like she was trying to decide if she could jump it. “Rey,” Obi-Wan called to her, “save your friend. Go!” She must have heard because she glanced in their direction before fleeing off into the woods.

“You better get out of here too,” Anakin told his grandson tiredly as the world faded in and out. He didn’t know how much longer he could stay here. It would probably be awhile before he was strong enough to manifest again.

“Well, would you look at that.” Obi-Wan’s voice was filled with wonder. “He actually listened for once.”

Ob-Wan get’s the last line because he’s a suitably snarky asshole.

#dvd commentary #My fic #shameless self promotion #Anakin Skywalker #Obi-Wan Kenobi #kylo ren #sequel trilogy

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starlightoffandoms · 6 years ago

Note

All the odd questions for the author ask!

1) is there a story you’re holding off on writing for somereason? Yes. I have a political, socialjustice story that I have been putting off. Partly for seeing how bad the currentadministration royally fucks up the country so I know how I end it b/c my previous ending would most likely have the govt at my door again.

3) what order do you write in? front of book to back?chronological? favorite scenes first? something else? It depends on where I get the idea. Most of the time I startat the end and write favorite scenes. I don’t think that I’ve ever written astory chronological since I left school.

5) character you were most surprised to end up writing. A straight Mary Sue unironically

7) when asked, are you embarrassed or enthusiastic to tellpeople that you write? Yes LOL. Iused to be very embarrassed and felt guilty b/c “writing isn’t a realprofession”. It was my guilty pleasure. Then I heard somewhere years and yearsago that if something makes you happy don’t feel guilty about it. So now I speakloud and proud about my love and passion for writing.

9) what, if anything, do you do for inspiration? Set time aside to write. I realized that there can be inspirationaround you and things can trigger moments, but nothing sets up your mind as awriting routine.You train yourself to do something and it becomes muscle memory. It isn’t 100% perfect but it helps.

11) what aspect of your writing do you think has mostimproved since you started writing? Notetaking. I used to wing it all the time and it was so incomplete. Now there arenotes on notes on note.An actual writing path.

13) your strengths as an author. My passion for writing.

15) why did you start writing? The kids in the neighborhood weren’t like me and made fun ofme. I needed a release and my mom told me to create my own world. I haven’t stoppedsince.

17) if you could give your fledgling author self any advice,what would it be? Stop with the over description!!!!Too many adjectives and adverbs make for shitty writing. And not everythingneeds an extremely specific colour.

19) when it comes to more complicated narratives, how do youkeep track of outlines, characters, development, timeline, etc.? Lots of office supplies. I am still mostly a non-digitalnote taker. I have a giant white board, index cards, and notebooks. I keep a three-ringbinder for any novels I’m working on and a separate pencil pouch full of indexcards for each. I keep different colour pens and markers for each story andpart of each story. And Siri is amazing. I have only been an iPhone user forless than a year but her ability to listen and do so much helps me. I keepnotes on my phone and tablet with folders full of images as well.

21) what do you think when you read over your older work? Depends on what it was. Sometimes I’m like, wow this isawful and a complete wreck. Other times it’s, wow I was a disturbed child mymom probably should have gotten me into therapy sooner. And still other times,this isn’t half bad though a little over descriptive.

23) any obscure life experiences that you feel have helpedyour writing? Death. There has been a lot of deathin my life. From having died twice, been there when someone I loved died,witness death in varying degrees, and losing so many loved ones at a young ageformed a lot of my personality and creative mind.

25) copy/paste a few sentences or a short paragraph thatyou’re particularly proud of. Notsure if I am just proud of it myself or b/c it did make a grown man gag and walkaway from reading over it for me. They stayed outside the stall and watched the man that had betrayed themboth suffer. He struggled against his bonds automatically even though he feltno discomfort. The man could feel his lungs tightening but that was the onlysensation he was aware of. His skin began to pale and his mouth opened as hegasped. Ardyn turned away. Ezra watched the man’s eyes. The panic and worryslowly slipped. His look turned peaceful. Ezra smiled as the man’s skin wentashen and the clouds rolled into his eyes. Ezra knew he couldn’t actually hearit but the phantom sound of the man’s last breath sent a chill of excitementthrough him. The man’s eye dulled as the last of the light slipped away and Ezrasighed with satisfaction. Ardyn shook her head. The experience was one ofdelight for Ezra but for her it was just a necessity.

Author Ask

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atratum · 7 years ago

Text

tagged by @darknessfactor JUST in the nick of time, i was about to start working so thank you for saving me

1) How many works in progress do you currently have in progress? i have four that have hit the 5k mark and are not very close to being done, and another half-dozen that have a few paragraphs and some notes. that sort of counts; they definitely are taking up mental space.

2) Do you/would you write fanfiction? yes

3) Do you prefer paper books or ebooks? depends on what the book is. i have a hard time reading nonfiction in ebook form, but if it’s YA or romance or a mystery then i prefer to read the ebook.

4) When did you start writing? when i could hold a pencil, i guess? i was writing bad self-insert RPF by 1992, although i would not have known to call it that. at some point i switched from that kind of thing to journalism, and then for many years was convinced that I Cannot Write Fiction Only Truth Will Do but someone talked me out of that nonsense and now i have a much more flexible relationship with “truth” and also “writing”

5) Do you have someone you trust that you share your work with? like, my unfinished work? it’s not really one particular person. i’m lucky enough to have a number of people willing to read my work and help me make it better (that’s my main thing -- can i trust you to tell me it sucks?), and so i try not to burden any particular one of them unduly by making them read 40,000 words about a band that broke up years ago if i think they’re not interested.

6) Where is your favorite place to write? this has yet to be determined. for a while i was doing pretty well writing on the train but then i made some bad train choices and was suffering for my art more than i wanted to be and now i just try to buckle down wherever i happen to be

7) Favorite childhood book? this is not actually a question i can answer!

8) Writing for fun or writing for publication? fun. i have An Original Novel that i actually like but it’s not finished and i’m not sure it ever will be.

9) Pen and paper or computer? computer until i get stuck, and then i switch

10) Have you ever taken any writing classes? i have a master’s degree in journalism, so.... yes? but i’m not sure that’s what is meant here by writing classes. i have never taken a creative writing class in my life. i’ve never even taken a college-level english class.

11) What inspires you to write? i have absolutely no idea. often i have a quick visual in my head of something and i end up writing a whole story so i can make it happen -- many of my stories have been written like this. sometimes someone asks me a question and i’m bad at meta so i write a fic. sometimes i write in reaction to canon -- it pissed me off, or made me sad, or whatever, and i write something to deal with my feelings. this never works, so i’m not sure why i keep doing it, but here we are!

tagging: anyone who wants to do this meme!

#be better strangers #writing meme #thanks!

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theresgloryforyou · 7 years ago

Link

my review of the mother! review, which I wrote last night in an attempt to break through some writer’s block I’ve been experiencing on top of everything else. this is what I do when I am bored apparently: apply feminist praxis to mass produced “entertainment” I refuse to otherwise engage with, because, as a family member recently told me, I’m no fun. I’m no fun because I can’t enjoy trashy shit like this for “what it is”. I said no, I’m not fun because I can’t enjoy trashy shit because I know exactly what it is.

anyway, my stupid review of the stupider review. david sims’ review in italics where applicable. if you care to see this movie and don’t want spoilers, do not read this, or david sims’ review in The Atlantic. you have been warned.

1. tried not to get too hard assed on the pretentiousness of the title, but every time I see it I immediately think JEB!

2. The plot of mother! is very simple—at least until it starts getting more unhinged. It begins on a shot of a woman’s crying face in the middle of a vast inferno, after which a man (Javier Bardem) inserts a crystal into a pedestal and magically repairs the burnt home around him. Cut to: an unnamed woman (Jennifer Lawrence) who lives in this gorgeous house in the middle of nowhere with her husband (Bardem). He’s a poet of some renown, busy toiling on his next great work (although he appears to be suffering from writer’s block). She’s devotedly renovating their home, painting the walls and such, and seems to have some mystical power to “feel” the heart of the house, by touching the walls and visualizing a giant, pumping organ.

Soon enough, another man (Ed Harris) shows up, identifying himself as a doctor looking for a place to stay. Bardem (the characters have no names, so it’s easier to identify them by their performers) invites him in and the two rapidly bond, to Lawrence’s discomfort. Harris quickly gets sick, with some unspecified ailment creating a bruise on his side. Then his wife (Michelle Pfeiffer) shows up, unafraid to snipe at Lawrence over the large age gap between her and her husband. Harris, encouraged by Pfeiffer, accidentally breaks Bardem’s crystal, inspiring his rage. The visiting couple’s grown-up kids (Domhnall and Brian Gleeson) then show up and immediately get in a fight, with the elder killing the younger and receiving a scar on his forehead in the struggle. As the family holds a funeral in the house (while Lawrence’s agita only increases), there’s a deluge of water prompted by a guest breaking a fancy sink fixture, which finally drives everyone out for good.

btw this reminds me of a student film I saw in the eighties, made by some dude who thought he could get into my pants by showing me his AMAZING movie and then, when that didn’t work, he asked my dad if he could marry me. true story. I’ll leave you to imagine how that worked out for him.

This covers the first half of the film, which, as Orr noted, you could cheekily call a “testament”: one where Bardem is a stand-in for God, Harris and Pfeiffer are Adam (down to his rib injury) and Eve (as much of a temptress as ever), and their kids are Cain and Abel, with the former killing the latter and being “marked” for this primal sin. Bardem’s magic crystal is a violated forbidden fruit, and the burst sink pipes are the flood punishing God’s early followers and wiping the world clean.

*yawn* what? oh, yeah, sorry, I mean it was extremely subtle and not even slightly heavy handed, thank you for explaining the not obvious parallels.

3. When the film’s second act begins, Bardem’s new poetry is complete and Lawrence’s character is pregnant. By the end, her baby (likely some sort of stand-in for Christ’s body) has been eaten alive by a crazed mob of Bardem’s followers. They initially burst into the house as fans of his work but devolve into violence and surreal scenes of warfare, ravaging the house before Lawrence burns it down in a fit of grief at the loss of her child. As she dies cursing her husband, Bardem asks for her love, and she assents. It comes in the form of her heart, which he pulls out of her chest and turns into a crystal that he then uses to rebuild the house again, creating a new bride, played by a new actress.

It’s wild stuff— but the Bible allegory only goes so far, even if Aronofsky himself hinted at it when introducing mother! at the Toronto International Film Festival (he referred to Harris’s character as “the man,” then added, “that’s a clue”). Lawrence’s character has no obvious counterpart in either testament; instead, she’s some sort of analogue for Mother Earth, or Gaia, an embodiment of nature and creation, with the house (which slowly gets destroyed by its callous houseguests) a stand-in for the planet itself. Or you could see her as the warmer, welcoming half of the Godhead, with Bardem representing the aloof, unknowable half. There are vague concepts of reincarnation and renewal in the film’s ending, too, more reflective of Hinduism or Buddhism than anything Judeo-Christian.

jesus fucking christ shut up. what you, and aronofsky, and jennifer too (I’ve read her Vogue interview, thanks to lili) are missing here is an ancient trope, in which males take a goddess and rob her of her power by handing her power to a new god. what you are missing is the ancient cycle in which the MALE is the one who is disposable, the Great Goddess the ancient one, the Great Goddess is creator/destroyer, the male is her consort. but he’s taken this and flipped it to the more acceptable (at least much less imaginative), yes, LESS WILD STUFF, version of events, in which the FEMALE becomes disposable. and incidentally, if she is “gaia”, there’s no second chances and no god to supercede her power.

and leaving aside paganism, just from a general science view, what is innovative about stoking humanity’s hubris and pretending it’s the PLANET that gets destroyed and not, you know, US?

what I’m trying to express here, based on this review, is what is described isn’t innovative at all, it’s just arsty and pretentious but otherwise totally run of the mill patriarchal bullshit, and here, let me…

4. The joy of mother!, to me, lies beyond the religious metaphor of God and Adam and Eve and so on; judge it just on that level, and it feels bludgeoning from a storytelling perspective. There’s a lot more to dig into, some of it probably conscious on Aronofsky’s part, some of it not so much. He’s spoken in interviews of the environmental message he’s trying to get across, telling The Hollywood Reporter, “I think [the planet’s] being undone by humanity. I don’t blame one gender over the other gender. I think it is about how people are insatiable, how there’s this endless consumption.”

there’s that amazing innovative thinking again, in which 150,000 years of non-insatiable human history ends up as a footnote to what should be a remark on three hundred years of capitalism and instead skews off towards gender (?), by which I mean this was an idiotic statement and if a (especially blonde) woman had made it everyone would be calling her a stupid hollywood bimbo, but aronofsky’s a dude so “oh wow he is so DEEP.”

5. But, like so many films (especially one with such obvious personal investment on Aronofsky’s part), mother! is clearly also a movie about art and the creative process, one with a rather negative view of the great creator at its center. The brooding Bardem can’t help but hold Lawrence at arm’s length, sometimes storming off to write, other times brushing off her concerns about the invading houseguests (from whom he draws inspiration). Though she loves him, Lawrence can’t help but fixate on the major age difference between them, and after their relationship eventually falls apart, Bardem uses her heart—her inspiration—to build a grand new work and, with it, a new female partner.

I’ll write this out, more literally, in one sentence: male uses female up and spits her out in the name of art.

(also “after their relationship falls apart” is a unique way of rephrasing “As she dies cursing her husband, Bardem asks for her love, and she assents. It comes in the form of her heart, which he pulls out of her chest and turns into a crystal that he then uses to rebuild the house again, creating a new bride” like omg you fucking weirdo, you just wrote that a few paragraphs ago! did you forget it already? it was that fucking forgettable to you, the disposable female partner? well that makes sense, actually, that’s such a boring repetitious done-to-death trope!)

6. Aronofsky is, ironically,* now romantically involved with Lawrence, though they met during the filming of mother!, well after he’d written the movie. (*not the definition of “ironically”, what you’re looking for is “coincidentally”. pray continue.) But of course, such industry romances are hardly unusual, and neither is the idea of artists writing about their own relationships; it’s just fascinating how Aronofsky has turned that dynamic into something grand, destructive, and ultimately horrifying. Lawrence’s character, at times, seems like a parody of the “barefoot and pregnant” stereotype, always padding around the house without any footwear. The actress called this a conscious choice, saying, “It never would have been right for my character to wear shoes. Nature is her creation.”

BITCH NO IT IS NOT, everything is HIS creation! the amazing nameless poet’s creation! made up of bits and pieces of females he has used up and stolen from! HOW IS THIS DIFFICULT TO GRASP?!?

deep breath

conclusion:

okay, I haven’t seen this movie. I’m reviewing the review. and the review, clearly, on one level, is about a story in which a creator god who doesn’t do much besides stalk about, brood, and not create, lets the guests he’s invited in do whatever they want including EAT HIS WIFE’S BABY and then when she destroys the house she still FORGIVES HIM and gives him HER LITERAL HEART so he can repeat the exact same thing. one feminist way of reading that is, yeah, this is a warning. this is what men do, on a small scale and on a global scale. why do women keep lending themselves to this? what is the nature of love? how is it truly love to keep lending yourself to it, to males like this? but we all know this is not the intent behind this film.

on another level, this is a white boy’s typical film school masturbation piece that happened to get him a super hot girlfriend who is deceiving herself into thinking she is anything other than disposable too, yes, even jennifer lawrence is disposable. as beyonce said, more or less, the most bomb ass pussy is disposable. that’s what this movie is about too.

but if gaia is involved, if we decide to lean into the conceit that Nature Herself is involved, guess who is actually disposable? and guess who doesn’t know how Nature Herself works?

because that’s the thing about taking ancient ideas that are based on truth and twisting them to serve the patriarchy. men been doing that for centuries, and underneath it sits all kinds of truths, no matter how they try to cover it up. if aronofsky was making something that was really a commentary on “the environment” and “both genders” and whatever the fuck, it would look more like EVERYONE DIES REGARDLESS OF HOW MUCH POWER THEY HAD BECAUSE THE FEW WHO HAD IT DECIDED CAPITALISM WAS AWESOME, and THE PLANET GOES ON. this was such a stellar opportunity to make a genuine commentary, no matter how pretentiously and weirdly, but boys done gotta fuck everything up. lemme fix it, in one paragraph:

enraged by the death of her divine child she burns down the home, including bardem’s unpublished works, and his followers. bardem comes crawling to her, begging for her love. she just stares at him as he is consumed in flames. final scene: the house is charred, damaged, but already signs of life are appearing, grass between the stones. it is foggy, but “nature is her creation”, and sadly, in bare feet, comes j-law waltzing softly through her home. she sighs, and resumes renovating until the next consort crawls out of an ocean and takes a million years to evolve away his gills.

#word vomit #movie review for kicks #technically a review of a review #whatever just here it is okay #p

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