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imnotinclinedtomaturity · 6 years ago

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Love Yourself (Chapter 19 )

title: Love Yourself summary: A lot of things about Dan’s life are pretty great. He gets to make the music he wants, he’s got a great fanbase, and his manager is his best friend. A few things about his life suck a bit more. He’s currently lacking inspiration, he’s rather lonely, and he’s stuck in a rut. Dan’s been going to the same coffee shop for years. It’s quiet, it’s quaint, it’s near his home. Most importantly: none of the employees give a shit that’s he a world-famous singer. Things change when he meets the new barista. chapter words: 8k story words: 148.2k (so far) chapter: 19/? rating: m warnings: language, alcohol, sex mentions, some bi/homophobia, eventual explicit smut genre: singer!dan, coffee shop au, barista!phil, slow burn [[ao3]] [[first chapter]] [[previous chapter]]

a/n: i’m too tired to write a proper author’s note because @auroraphilealis just got another 2k out of me at one in the damn morning when i have work tomorrow but i love her for it <3

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As it turned out, Dan was too busy on Sunday and Monday to hang out with Phil again. If it weren’t for the fact that Dan and Phil were almost constantly texting, Phil would have been worried that the near-kiss had messed things up between them. But Dan hadn’t brought it up, and his messages still had the same hint of flirtation, so Dan and Phil must be fine.

Their meeting with the producers at the BBC on Tuesday went fantastic — everyone loved the ideas that he and Dan presented, and the producers were confident that the plan for the show was a good balance between segments that would be interesting for Phil’s regular audience, and pieces that would draw in new listeners.

By the end of the meeting, they’d picked a date for the show — the day before Dan left for Germany. It would be a Thursday, which was different than Phil’s normal slot, but the producers thought it would be an ideal night for the special and that, with adequate promotion, Phil’s regular audience would still tune in.

As they left the building and made their way to the tube stop, Phil could barely contain his excitement, and judging by the way Dan wouldn’t stop talking about the meeting, Dan must be excited too.

They were hovering in the grimey entrance to the tube, both refusing to turn down their own corridor to wait for their train, because they were too busy talking.

“I think they really, really liked it,” Dan gushed.

Phil smiled, shuffling forward a small step to be just a little bit more into Dan’s space. “Of course they did. It’s exactly what they wanted!” he replied.

“It’ll be fun, I think,” Dan continued quickly, practically bouncing on his toes in excitement as he stared out at the people rushing around them. “I’ve never gotten to interact with fans like that before.” Through thick eyelashes, Dan finally turned and properly looked up at Phil. “Plus, I can’t wait to see how you are on the radio.”

“It’s really not that big of a deal,” Phil said bashfully, ducking his face away in embarrassment.

Dan shook his head with a soft smile. “I’m sure you’re wonderful at it.” His eyes drifted away to the screen flashing the current train schedules. “My train’s gonna be here in just a few minutes,” he frowned.

Phil followed Dan’s gaze. “Mine too.” Even to his own ears, the remorse was obvious in his voice. “I’ll see you soon?”

“Of course,” Dan promised. “When are you working this week?”

“The usual shifts.” Phil drifted a little closer. He wanted to do something — anything — to tell Dan goodbye properly. His hands were itching to reach out and hug Dan, his lips desperate to press against Dan’s temple. They were in public though, in the middle of the busy London underground, and that wasn’t an option.

“Good,” Dan replied.

He must have been wanting to touch Phil just as badly, though, because his hand swung out, deliberately brushing against Phil’s. Their fingers touched just the briefest of minutes as Dan stared into Phil’s eyes. “I’ll see you soon, Phil,” he promised.

Unfortunately, both Dan’s and Phil’s lives were both growing more and more hectic by the day. With the added responsibility of planning the radio special, and doing all the necessary work to promote it, neither Dan nor Phil really had any free time left. Dan was in full musician mode (or at least, that’s how he described it to Phil), and spent almost all of his time either holed up in his music room at home, or at the studio across town working on his mysterious concept album that he’d yet to tell Phil the fucking concept of. Phil, for his part, was doing his best to stay on top of his youtube channel, his normal radio shows, his liveshows, and his hours at Beans and Grind. Finding time to plan the radio show together was hard enough, let alone finding time to hang out.

Still, though, they both made as much time for each other as they could, in whatever capacity they could manage. Whenever Dan was working from his music room in his flat, he’d always text Phil and see if he was available to skype and be co-productive from the comfort of their own homes.

The first time it had happened was two days after their meeting at the BBC.

Phil was filming a how to video for his channel when his phone dinged loudly, completely ruining a decent take of his current line. Disgruntled, Phil switched it onto silent and slid it across his dresser, forcing himself to maintain his cheery persona as he re-said the line for the millionth time.

Nearly two hours later, Phil pressed the stop button the camera and picked up his phone. There were dozens of notifications that he’d missed while filming, but one in particular stood out.

Dan [6:14PM]: come be productive on skype with me

It was a cute little order — one that Phil was happy to comply with, and he felt his stomach flip over just thinking about it

But when Phil glanced at the clock and saw that it was nearing eight already, his heart sunk. Dan had messaged him ages ago, and Phil had missed it. Phil hoped that Dan still had his phone with him, that he was still doing whatever it was he’d been doing, and was still willing to skype Phil.

Phil [7:52PM]: I just finished a video! I’m free now :)

Much to his dismay, however, Dan didn’t respond — not then, and not any time that night. It wasn’t until the next morning that Phil got a new message from him.

Dan [9:02AM]: sorry i got wrapped up in what i was working on and didn’t see your message. next time? xx

The loss of a chance to spend any kind of time with Dan left Phil determined to never miss another message from Dan — or chance to see him — ever again.

So Phil made it so that his phone made a unique noise whenever Dan texted or called, and Phil started always, always dropping whatever he was doing to answer when he heard that noise. Maybe Phil was clingy or pathetic or — according to PJ — whipped, but he didn’t care. The new method meant that he got to have many, many co-productive skype calls with Dan.

During most of their calls, Phil worked on editing his videos or planning a different radio show, while Dan worked on his new music. Phil noticed that sometimes Dan played his guitar, sometimes his piano, and sometimes he just stared intensely at a small notebook in his lap, occasionally scribbling something down.

Although Dan never called attention to it, Phil noticed that sometimes there were large periods of times where Dan would mute his microphone so Phil couldn’t hear whatever Dan was working on. A few times, Phil thought about asking why, but he was terrified that Dan would realize that Phil had caught on, and would instead start hanging up during those moments rather than muting himself — or worse yet, canceling their skype call time all together — so Phil just pretended not to notice.

Outside of their co-productive skype calls, Phil only got to see Dan at Beans and Grind. Those visits were never long — or private — enough for Phil to feel satisfied. And from the way Dan lingered at Phil’s side when he said his goodbyes, Phil guessed the visits weren’t enough for Dan either.

On one such occasion, Dan fiddled with his coffee cup, sliding it back and forth between his hands. It had been empty for almost half an hour — and for almost all of that time, Dan had been saying he needed to leave. His jacket was still slung over the nearby stool, though, and he wasn’t making any moves to pull it on.

“Louise is probably waiting for me,” Dan grumbled for the sixth time.

“It’s fine,” Phil also said for the sixth time. This time, however, he reached out and grabbed Dan’s mug as it swooshed towards Dan’s other hand. “You should go, we can find time to do something this weekend,” he added in an attempt to push Dan to get out of here before Phil changed his mind.

“Yeah, definitely.” Dan nodded eagerly, seemingly placated by the offer. His hands slid further across the bar and knocked into Phil’s. For a moment, they both lingered there, lightly brushing their fingers together for a few minutes before Dan finally pulled away with a sigh.

“See you soon, Philly,” Dan promised, a wide grin and two big dimples shining on his face as he turned and walked away.

They tried to find time to watch more Buffy together as well (or, really, just properly see each other), but life just kept getting in the way. They’d made plans for Dan to come over again the weekend after their BBC meeting, but Dan ended up having to cancel last minute because Darcy and Louise had gotten sick and apparently Louise’s boyfriend was out of town. Dan, being the complete softy that he was, had dropped everything so that he could play nurse for them.

The weekend after that, Dan was stuck in the studio rehearsing for the concert that was less than a week away. He texted Phil during every break, and even sent Phil a sneaky studio tour video (which just so happened to include a snippet of him rehearsing), but Phil couldn’t help but be a little disappointed that the constant rehearsals meant no time with Dan.

It wasn’t until the night before their radio show that Phil finally got to see Dan somewhere other than a grainy skype screen or at the coffee shop. On Wednesday evening, Dan texted Phil to inform him — not ask, inform — that he was on his way over to Phil’s flat right now because he’d just finished packing for Germany.

The text message completely made up for Phil’s dull and boring day so far, and even if Phil had been planning to do something tonight, he would have happily dropped it to spend the evening with Dan. He was glad Dan had decided to come over whether Phil liked it or not — because Phil definitely liked it.

His flat was a mess, though, and Phil wasn’t quite comfortable enough with Dan to let him see the state he lived in sometimes. Phil barely managed to collect the dishes that had been scattered around his lounge, bedroom, and office and pile them into the dishwasher before the doorbell buzzed, however, announcing Dan’s arrival. Phil knew it would have to be enough.

Phil rinsed his hands off, frantically rubbing them dry on his jeans as he raced to the door. Not bothering to ring down to make sure it was Dan, Phil jammed the door open button and opened his front door, too impatient to see Dan to wait for him to knock.

Perhaps Dan was impatient too, because he came out of the stairwell a few minutes later, not the lift. Dan’s pace as he crossed the hallway to Phil was quick — maybe a little too quick to be really considered a walk — and he practically launched himself the last few steps, throwing his arms around Phil’s neck and burying his head in Phil’s shoulder.

“Oof,” Phil grunted, briefly steadying himself on the doorframe before wrapping his hands around Dan’s waist and pulling him in closer. The light, cottony scent that was just so Dan overwhelmed Phil. He was just so, so happy to have Dan — actual real life Dan — in his arms. Smiling, Phil pressed a small, chaste kiss to Dan’s shoulder, unable to stop himself from showing just a bit more affection.

After holding Dan tightly for a moment, Phil unwound his arms and tried to step back, only for Dan to tighten his grip and make a small noise of protest.

Phil chuckled and wove his arms back around Dan with a smile. “Missed you too,” Phil said, his lips accidentally brushing against Dan’s ear. Phil shuffled backwards, not letting go of Dan, and pulled him into the flat with him. Dan giggled, but let himself be pulled along.

As it turned out, two intertwined six-foot tall giants didn’t make for the most graceful walking; Dan accidentally stepped on Phil’s toes, and Phil accidentally smacked Dan into the doorframe before they’d even made it three steps. But neither of them minded, and they ended up laughing into each other’s shoulders, the sound muffled but somehow still loud and happy enough that Phil worried his neighbors might pop their heads into the hallway.

It wasn’t until they were all the way into Phil’s flat and Phil had managed to kick the front door shut that Dan relinquished his grip on Phil.

“Hi Phiw,” Dan said warmly, smiling up at Phil through his eyelashes, his dimple prominent on his cheek.

“Hi Dan.” Phil grinned back, his hands naturally rising to the buttons of Dan’s coat — well, more a jacket, really. The frigid chills of winter seemed to have mostly passed. Unwilling to let Dan out of his embrace just yet, Phil took his time on the buttons of Dan’s coat, pushing each one through its hole as slowly as possible.

“Want something to drink?” Phil offered as he hung Dan’s coat on the hook.

“Hot chocolate?” Dan suggested, a childlike excitement seeping into his voice.

Phil nodded. “Okay. Go settle on the sofa and I’ll put the kettle on,” Phil instructed, content to finally have someone that shared his love for sweet drinks and easy nights in.

As Phil turned into the kitchen, though, he heard Dan’s light footsteps puttering behind him rather than turning into the lounge. Phil glanced behind him and saw that Dan had followed him.

While Phil was filling the kettle, the cabinet next to him swung open, Dan’s delicate hands reaching in and rummaging through its contents.

“Jesus,” Dan mumbled. “You’ve got a lot of mugs, Phil.”

Phil’s eyes flickered to the dishwasher sheepishly, where he knew there were at least another five or six mugs hiding. “Sorry, I like mugs a lot…” he shrugged, a little embarrassed, as he set the kettle on the counter and turned it on.

Dan leaned back, poking his head around the door so he could see Phil. “I love it,” he said with a sincere, fond smile. “I used to drink almost everything from a mug.”

“Used to?” Phil questioned, tipping his head to the side.

Dan’s face clouded for a moment — with what, Phil couldn’t quite tell — before fading back to normal. “Long story.”

Eager to hear each and every one of Dan’s stories, Phil started to assure Dan that had he had plenty of time, but Dan cut him off before he could saying, adding on, “I don’t wanna get into it right now.”

With a note of finality, Dan turned away from Phil, and pulled out two mugs — a lion shaped mug that Phil had received from a viewer years ago, and a corgi print one that was actually a sample for some new merch — and sat them down next to the kettle.

Dan waited in the kitchen with Phil while the kettle heated up, asking Phil if he’d seen any cute dogs or met any weird people since they’d hung out last. Phil was having trouble concentrating on his answers, though, because Dan was hovering so, so close to him. Phil had a feeling nothing he was saying made any sense, but Dan didn’t call him out for it. Phil was glad, because he was still adamant that everything between them was to happen on Dan’s terms, and it was taking all of Phil’s energy to resist the urge to wrap his arm around Dan’s waist, to pull him into his arms, to press a kiss to his temple.

To say fuck the kettle and fuck Dan instead.

Fucking hell, Phil needed to keep it in his pants. He shook his head a little, trying to force that thought away and focus on the moment at hand.

Once the kettle finally finished boiling, and the hot chocolate was made, Dan picked up the corgi mug with both hands, wrapping his long fingers around it. That left Phil to pick up the lion one, and he was secretly pleased when he realized that Dan had probably intentionally picked out which mugs he wanted for each of them.

Dan followed Phil into the lounge, his mug cradled close to his chest, but when Phil turned around to sit down, he found that Dan had stopped to hover by the coffee table.

“Sit down, silly.” Phil laughed, nodding to the sofa behind him. Dan simply nodded, but didn’t move to take Phil’s invitation. Confused, and not sure what Dan was doing, Phil sat down, hoping that Dan would follow.

Dan didn’t sit immediately; he waited until Phil was situated before crawling onto the sofa as well and immediately settling against Phil’s side. Dan rested his cheek on Phil’s shoulders and let his knees tip into Phil’s lap and — Oh.

That’s what Dan wanted — to curl up next to Phil — and that’s why he’d been waiting.

A light blush rose to Phil’s cheeks as the realization dawned on him, and this time, he didn’t hesitate to loop his arm around Dan’s shoulders. If Dan was cuddling into him, that was permission enough for Phil.

The entire premise of Dan coming over had been to watch more Buffy, but the remote was lying on the opposite armrest, well out of both of their reaches, and neither of them were making any move to get it.

Not then — and not for the next hour, either.

The tv just wasn’t necessary, or even wanted. They were content to just be in each other’s presence and be able to talk — talk about their lives, what they’d been watching on netflix recently, and the trivial mediocrities of life. It didn’t feel pointless or boring, and the conversation never stalled. Phil savored having Dan with him in his flat, in his arms, again, and Dan seemed equally happy to just enjoy the moment without any distractions.

“What are you planning to do in Germany?” Phil asked as he absent-mindedly trailed his fingers up and down Dan’s arm.

“Hopefully raise a lot of money for mental health services for youths,” Dan chuckled, his laughter interrupted by a small shiver shaking his body when Phil’s fingers drifted to his inner forearm.

“Well, yeah, but that’s work stuff.” Phil rolled his eyes and grabbed Dan’s bicep, jokingly shaking Dan a bit. “I meant with your sister, like what are you guys planning to do?”

“Oh!” Dan sounded surprised by Phil’s question. “Sorry, Louise and I have been going over every fucking detail of this trip, but we haven’t talked at all about what I’m doing for fun, so I just…”

“Went straight to work stuff?” Phil supplied when Dan trailed off.

“Yeah, exactly.” Dan tipped his head back on Phil’s shoulder and smiled widely at Phil. Staring up at him with beautiful, chocolate eyes, Dan looked absolutely beautiful and Phil couldn’t help getting lost for a moment.

“Have you thought about it, though? The fun stuff, I mean,” Phil said, shaking his head, trying to get Dan to focus on the personal bits of his upcoming trip, not just work.

Dan settled his cheek back onto Phil’s shoulder. “Obviously!” Dan replied, rolling his eyes. “There’s a really cool, super old beer hall I went to last time I was there that I want to take Addie to.”

“Hofbräuhaus?” Phil suggested, the name jumping into his mind from his drunken exploits in Germany.

Unexpectedly, Dan excitedly shot up, nearly knocking his head into Phil’s chin. “Yeah! Do you know it?” he asked, turning to face Phil properly.

“I went there with PJ!” Phil replied, grinning wide. He couldn’t believe he and Dan had been to the same place, even if it wasn’t at the same time. Somehow, that made him feel just a little bit more connected to Dan.

Dan tapped his hands eagerly on Phil’s thigh. “That’s so cool! When did you go to Munich?”

Without thinking, Phil reached out with his spare hand to still Dan’s hands on his thighs. “Gosh, it must have been… the summer after we graduated uni? I think?”

Dan flipped his hand over, threading his fingers betweens Phil’s.

“Did you go to that church with all the big figurines that dance and stuff?” Dan asked.

Phil smiled, and nodded his head. “Rathaus-Glockenspiel! That was so cool! I didn’t expect them to be so big.”

They seemed to talk about Munich for forever after that, excitedly exchanging stories of mischief they’d gotten up to and great food they’d eaten. The conversation spiraled from there, and Phil learned all about what Dan did on tour when he wasn’t performing. As it turned out, Dan had the same go go go mentality that Phil’d had when he’d done his own mini tour. They’d even prioritized a lot of the same sights and experiences.

The more Phil got to know Dan, the more amazing Phil thought Dan was purely from just how similar they were.

It wasn’t until Phil got up to go to the bathroom that they started actually doing anything with their evening. When he came back from the loo (with a glass of ribena for them each), Dan was sitting upright in the middle of the sofa, remote in hand and Buffy queued up on the tele. His prim posture didn’t last long, though; as soon as Phil sat down, Dan curled back into him.

Phil chuckled quietly when he realized that Dan’s head was conveniently low enough for Phil to comfortably rest his hand in his curls and, sure enough, Dan let out a soft sigh when Phil’s fingers tangled in his hair. With a small smile, Phil twirled the locks between his fingers, letting his eyes fixate on the soft boy in his arms rather than the pretty girl on the screen.

It was a good thing Phil had seen the entire series a dozen times, because he wasn’t paying a damn bit of attention to the show tonight. How could he when he had a gorgeous, soft boy in his arms?

They made it through three and a half episodes before Phil realized that Dan’s eyes were growing heavy. With all that they both had on their plates right now — especially Dan — Phil could hardly blame him. After a certain level of tired, sleep won out over just about anything.

Phil gently tugged at the locks that were still knotted around his fingers. “You’re free to spend the night here again,” he said, blushing as he realized how it sounded, and hastening to add, “but I won’t be offended if you want to call an uber and sleep in your own bed.”

Dan’s head nudged at Phil’s chest once, twice, before slipping down a few centimeters to rest more on his stomach. “Here’s good. I’ll just wake back up if I go home.”

A rush of affection hit Phil. He’d adored the fact that Dan had slept over last time, but it hadn’t exactly been a conscious decision on Dan’s part. But tonight — tonight Dan was deciding to stay at Phil’s, and the intimacy, the domesticity of that, warmed Phil from the inside out.

“Okay.” Phil pulled his hand away from Dan’s hair, pushing lightly on his shoulders. “You can take the bed and I’ll sleep here. Budge up so I can get you settled.”

“Noooo,” Dan whined petulantly, and stubbornly pushed his head into Phil’s lap. Phil bit back a laugh; Dan could be such a child sometimes and it was endearing in the silliest of ways. “I slept in some this morning so I’m okay for a few more episodes.”

Phil leaned forward and peeked at Dan’s face. His eyelids were heavy, and he was clearly fighting to keep his eyes open at all. Like hell would Dan make it through a few more episodes — Phil would be luckily if Dan stayed awake for ten more minutes.

And truthfully, Phil was feeling fairly tired himself. If he was going to watch (or sleep through) a few more episode, he didn’t want to be wedged upright against the back of the sofa.

Phil bumped his leg up slightly, lightly pushing at Dan’s cheek. “Can we move positions at least? That’s great that you got to sleep in, but I didn’t,” he teased.

Wordlessly, Dan rolled off Phil’s lap, hauling himself into a standing position. “Lay,” he ordered. Dan looked sleepy, his face soft and his hair a tangled mess. His clothes were rumpled from being curled up, and his cheek had a faint imprint of the stitching on Phil’s jumper.

Unsure of what Dan exactly wanted, Phil obediently laid down. By this point, Phil had known Dan long enough that he was accustomed to his slightly bossy tendencies and found them cute rather than annoying. He tried his best to only take up half of the length of the sofa, but he tall and lanky, and wasn’t particularly successful. Dan seemed to have a different idea, though. He pushed and pulled at Phil, manhandling him until his back was pressed all the way against the back of sofa, and he was stretched out from armrest to armrest.

With a final adjustment, Dan shoved Phil’s arm to the side and crawled back onto the cushions, before finally joining Phil on the sofa. Wordlessly, he laid down with his back pressed against Phil’s stomach, and pulled Phil’s arm around his body.

This. This was magical, Phil thought. Their bodies, pressed almost entirely together as they squeezed together on the narrow sofa. Phil could lay like this for the rest of his life and be satisfied.

Phil reached passed Dan to grab the remote off the coffee table and resumed the episode.

It wasn’t long before he felt Dan’s breathing slow, and Phil knew that his eyes had to have drifted closed again by now. It was getting late — or at least, it felt late because he’d had a long day and he finally felt relaxed — and Phil felt himself nodding off, too.

Phil was startled out of his half-sleep by a sudden hand on his chest pressing him backwards. His eyes flew open, immediately meeting Dan’s warm brown ones just centimeters from his face.

“On your back,” Dan mumbled.

Phil’s brow furrowed as he tried to blink his brain back into proper consciousness.

“Really, Dan, I don’t mind if you go to bed,” Phil protested quietly, all while rolling onto his back like Dan instructed, once again giving into his bossy tendencies.

“Shhhh,” Dan reprimanded as he settled back down and his head found a comfortable place on Phil’s chest. “I’m still listening to Buffy.”

Phil couldn’t contain the laugh that bubbled out of his mouth, his chest rumbling and jostling Dan’s head. “Are you now?” he teased.

“Yes. I’m just resting my eyes.” Dan’s hand clumsily found Phil’s mouth, clasping lightly in an attempt to stop him from talking. “Now be quiet, I think David Borateezey is saying something important.”

Phil pressed a small kiss against Dan’s palm. “Whatever you say, darling” Phil mumbled. His words were barely audible to his own ears, but Phil couldn’t be arsed to care at the moment.

With the warm weight of Dan’s head on his chest, Phil drifted back to sleep.

Sometime later that night — how much later, Phil couldn’t be sure — Phil woke up to find the tv off and Dan cuddled even more securely into him. While they’d slept, Dan’s arm had moved from its place wedged between them to loop across Phil’s stomach, his hand lightly gripping the hem of Phil’s jeans.

In the morning, Phil’s body would surely resent the fact that he’d slept on the couch, and his legs would probably hate having been confined to tight skinny jeans all night, but Phil knew that nothing could make him regret a night of Dan sleeping on his chest.

And hopefully, this was the first of many nights just like this.

*******************************

“Ha! Victory is mine!” Phil exclaimed when Dan failed to name seven Canadian provinces in seven seconds. “As the winner of the Seven Second Challenge, I get to play you whatever I want, so here’s a nice throwback to two thousand — um… five?”

“Four,” Dan corrected, flashing Phil a quick smile that everyone watching the livestream of the radio show could probably tell was filled with fond.

“Okay, then, Mr. Music,” Phil rolled his eyes playfully. “Here’s a throwback to two thousand four,” Phil conceded with mock-annoyance and a pointed look at Dan. “Enjoy Helena by My Chemical Romance!”

“Phil!” Dan squealed as soon as Phil had turned off their microphones. “You can’t just spring Helena on people like that! People need warning!”

“Oops!” Phil shrugged and flashed the live camera a guilty look. He grabbed the whiteboard from the table on the other side of Dan and scrawled a message.

Dan’s making me feel bad for springing mcr on you guys :(

Dan took the board from Phil’s hands and erased his message with the stuffed lion on the desk. He scribbled a reply, his left-handedness causing the ink to smear a bit, while he talked to Phil, moving his lips as little as possible.

“How d’ya think the show’s going so far?” Dan mumbled.

Phil eyed Dan’s writing, reading the message just before he turned it around.

i’m still a 2000s emo on the inside let me live

Phil dramatically shook his head at the camera, taking the whiteboard from Dan to say something — although he wasn’t sure what — back to their audience.

“Good,” Phil murmured back. “Really good, actually.” He nodded discretely towards the laptop they had pulled up to twitter. “Internet seems happy and,” Phil glanced towards the producer observing them, “Matt looks pleased.”

Dan smiled wide, first at Phil, then at the camera. “I’m glad,” he said through his grin.

For the rest of the song, and the song after that, Phil continued exchanging whiteboard messages with Dan to entertain their video audience, occasionally referencing tweets from the #AmazingDan trending hashtag.

When the music ended, Phil tabbed over from twitter to his google doc of notes. They’d reached the part of the special he was most nervous about — the music segment. As much as Phil enjoyed music, he wasn’t particularly confident in his knowledge about the current scene (ironic, considering he was a bloody radio dj). He’d spent the majority of this week prepping questions for Dan, and researching artists and albums that might come up during their conversation so that he’d feel less unsure.

“Hi guys and welcome back to Internet Takeover with AmazingPhil! I’m here with the Dan Howell to talk about everything music, both his and his fellow artists’!”

“Yikes, I’m not an expert or anything, but I’ll do my best,” Dan chuckled in his signature self-deprecating fashion.

“I hate to break it to you, Howell, but you’re a professional musician. I think that makes you an expert.” Phil playfully shook his head at the camera in exasperation. Fleetingly, Phil wondered if calling Dan Howell on live radio had been too flirty.

“If you say so…” Dan laughed again. “So, Philly, hit me with your questions.”

Well, if Dan didn’t consider Philly too flirty, then Phil was probably safe with Howell.

Phil��s eyes flickered back to his computer screen, despite the fact that’d he’d already memorized all of the questions he had for Dan.

“So, Dan,” Phil noticed that his voice had switched into Interviewer Mode, and he wasn’t sure how to shake the professional edge to his tone. “Everyone’s very excited about the fact that you’re working on a new album. What can you tell us about it?”

“I don’t have a release date yet, but it’s coming along well. Cheeky spon, but anyone who is coming to my performance on Saturday night just might get to hear a sneaky preview.”

“Ooooh, lucky people! I wish I was going!” Phil said, playing up his jealousy for the camera. Realistically, whatever Dan felt ready to share with the public was probably something Phil had already heard — and Dan’s eyeroll and playful shake of his head only confirmed Phil’s suspicions.

“Rumor has it you’re doing a concept album this time. How has working on this album been different from your previous music?”

Dan’s head whipped around to face Phil, completely ignoring the camera. Phil glanced over, only to find a mixture of amusement and shock on Dan’s face.

Dan quickly composed himself and flashed Phil a smirk, a twinkle of mirth in his eyes.“Rumor has it, does it Phil?”

Phil’s brows furrowed as he tried to place what Dan meant. “Yeah…” he said uncertainly.

“Phiiwww, there’s no rumor about it!” Dan whined indignantly. “You heard that from me, you spoon.”

“Fu-udge,” Phil caught himself just in time. He had a perfect track record of not swearing on live radio — or any place his viewers could hear him — and he didn’t want to ruin it now. “I’m so sorry! I forgot that no one knows that yet!”

Phil’s cheeks were flushed red, and his eyes were wide. He truly did feel bad for spilling what was apparently still secret information about Dan’s album.

“It’s fine.” Dan shrugged. “I was going to talk about it when I introduced the new song in Germany, but…” Dan trailed off and eyed Phil contemplatively.

“But…?” Phil asked hopefully. If Dan was considering talking about it more on air, then he must not be too annoyed at Phil for bringing it up. But, more importantly, if Dan talked more about it right now, Phil might actually learn something new for fuck’s sake.

Dan’s eyes flickered to the camera and back to Phil. “But, now that you’ve brought it up anyway, I might as well talk about it now.”

Phil bounced excitedly on his toes, not even needing to exaggerate his emotions for the camera. He’d been dying to know more about Dan’s album for weeks, but the only thing he knew was that Dan was proud of it and hoped that Phil specifically would like it.

A fact that Dan had told him numerous times, and each time it just made Phil more and more and more curious as to what in the actual hell Dan was working on.

Doing his best to retain some inkling of his radio host persona, Phil turned to his microphone. “You heard it here first, guys! Dan Howell is making a concept album and the concept is…” He trailed off, making a drumroll noise with his mouth.

Dan bumped his hip against Phil’s playfully, giggling. “Enough of that, you dork.” Dan’s laughter died down as he turned to face Phil, completely disregarding the main instruction that Matt and Phil had given him: always talk to the camera!

“It’s a really special album to me.” Dan sounded far more sincere than he had just seconds ago. “I feel like it really reflects my life in the past few months and… well, I hope you - I mean—” His eyes flickered to the camera for a split second. “ —um, everyone, likes it.”

There it was again, the pointed comments about Phil specifically liking the album concept.

“I’m sure it will be great,” Phil assured him. If they weren’t on camera, Phil would have reached out to touch Dan, maybe rub his arm or squeeze his hand — anything to show Dan his support.

“The concept is about a process,” Dan continued. Even though he was staring intensely at Phil, his hands were fiddling with the hem of his shirt, giving away how nervous he was about sharing this. “It starts off being about not being happy, about hating what you have and wanting something different.”

Phil’s heart stopped, and hope swelled in his chest. But Dan was being so fucking vague, that Phil wasn’t willing to give into it yet.

“Something different,” Phil repeated, his voice carefully controlled and devoid of emotion.

Dan’s lips twitched into a hint of a small smile. “Yeah, something different.”

Phil’s heart was pounding against his ribcage as he waited with bated breath for Dan to continue.

Dan cleared his throat softly, his eyes searching Phil’s face for something. “It’s about wanting what you don’t have and fucking going for it.”

Phil’s heart may have been pounding before, but now it was completely stopped. Phil couldn’t be sure, not when Dan was speaking in these loose and vague terms, but he was almost certain that he knew what Dan was talking about —

Isabella.

And, well, Phil.

And if that was what Dan was saying, then going for it must mean —

Fuck.

Phil couldn’t think about that.

Not right now, not while they were on live radio, streaming their faces online to a massive audience. If Phil thought too hard about what going for it meant, about what Dan essentially making an album — or at least part of one — about him must mean, Phil wouldn’t be able to stop himself from swooping in and finally, finally, kissing Dan.

“I’m, um, happy for you,” Phil choked out after a few too many seconds of silence. “Going for it — that’s, um, that’s good.”

Dan’s eyebrows rose, his playful smile returning. “It’s good, is it Philly?”

“Y-yeah,” Phil stuttered, completely failing at managing to seem poised and not socially awkward on live radio, which had been his one goal for this special. He’d known he’d be an awkward mess if he did this with someone he didn’t know, but he hadn’t anticipated that Dan would make him this flustered on live air.

“I’m glad you feel that way.” Dan smiled sincerely and, out of sight of the camera, nudged Phil’s foot with his own. The little touch of their feet felt like a promise, a promise that they’d talk, that this meant something, that Phil wasn’t crazy for reading into what Dan had said.

Phil smiled back, shifting his foot so that the outsides of their feet were pressed together under the table.

The rest of the show, Phil was barely able to keep himself together. Dan’s announcement had completely wrecked Phil’s composure, had derailed all of the conversation points that Phil had meant to hit, had utterly fucked with Phil’s head — and heart, for that matter.

As much as Phil loved doing the radio shows, he needed this special to fucking end already. He needed a moment to process what Dan had said without thousands of eyes and ears trained on him. He needed a moment alone with Dan.

And, most importantly, he needed to figure out exactly what going for it meant.

What seemed like days, weeks, maybe even months later, they were finally saying their goodbyes to their listeners, and Phil was ready to rip his headphones off and pull Dan into the nearest conference room, supply closet, or loo stall he could find. He wasn’t picky at this point.

His plan was thwarted, though, when Matt motioned for them both to follow him because he apparently wanted to debrief. Whatever the fuck that meant.

They were led into one of the small meeting rooms just down the hall. Phil perched himself on the edge of the table and faced the wall of windows that looked into the hallway, trying his best to look like he was listening to Matt.

Dan was hovering far away, all the way at the other end of the table, and was eagerly nodding along with whatever Matt was saying.

Phil looked at Dan a little closer, though, and saw that his eyes looked glazed over, like he wasn’t really listening. This feeling, this energy — Dan had to feel it too.

Hell, Phil was surprised that Matt hadn’t caught on to it.

While Matt raved about how great the show had gone, and how grateful he was that Dan had let Phil be the person to break the story about his concept album on BBC Radio, all Phil could think about was that damn concept.

That damn concept and all of the implications that it might carry.

Nearly an eternity later, Matt said goodbye and gave them one last congratulations before he rushed out to another meeting, leaving Dan and Phil alone in the conference room. As the glass door swung shut, Phil’s eyes met Dan’s across the room.

There was a look in Dan’s eyes that Phil couldn’t place — a look that carried weight that Phil could barely fathom, that he didn’t know how to describe.

Phil pushed himself off the table.

Whatever this was going to be, it didn’t feel like a conversation he wanted to have sitting down.

But even though Phil had been desperate to be alone with Dan, desperate to ask Dan a millions of different questions, now that the moment had finally come, Phil couldn’t find the words. Instead, he stared and stared and stared, waiting and waiting and waiting.

Time dragged on as Phil stared at Dan and Dan stared back, this distance between them both massive and nothing at all.

Dan shifted back and forth on his feet, looking equally as lost for words as Phil was. Phil could feel the charged energy between them, waiting for someone to break it, for them to finally allow themselves to be. He was tempted to say fuck it, to cross the room and grab Dan’s face between his hands and forego words entirely. But that wasn’t how mature relationships started, and the whole point of waiting, of taking their time, had been maturity.

So Phil had waited. So Phil continued to wait.

“So…” Dan broke the silence, his tongue darting out to lick his lips.

“So…” Phil repeated. He shifted his weight to his other foot and shoved his hand into his pocket, twisting it around into an awkward position.

They were still just looking at each other, holding the other’s gaze with half a room between them.

Someone needed to just say it.

Phil took a deep breath, steeling himself to just do it. Phil didn’t look away from Dan’s warm, intense eyes when he finally spoke. “That’s some concept.”

“Mmmm,” Dan agreed noncommittally, a stoic tone to his voice. His eyes scanned over Phil’s face though, clearly looking for some sort of reaction from Phil.

It was now or never.

Phil took a small step towards Dan. His hands were shaking at his sides, so he clenched them into tight fists. “Especially the going for it part.”

“Yeah?” Dan’s lips were tilting up, betraying his calm facade. His voice was betraying him, too — there was an undercurrent of hope and anticipation in his tone that was a stark contradiction to the neutral look his face was so clearly trying to maintain. “What do you think of it?”

The hope and the happiness that had been thrumming just under Phil’s skin for an hour now finally broke free. No amount of anxiety could convince Phil that going for it didn’t mean exactly what he’d thought.

Phil couldn’t hold back his smile anymore. It spread across his face so widely that his cheeks were positively aching, but he didn’t care. “I fucking love it.”

“Yeah?” Dan asked quietly, his voice higher pitched this time. Hope was radiating from him, his eyes lighting up, and his dimple coming out.

Phil couldn’t believe it — Dan was writing a fucking album about him, and it had taken him this long to realize that yes, Phil absolutely loved it. That Phil was so unbelievably happy that Dan was going for it.

“Yeah,” Phil whispered, taking two large steps towards Dan, closing some of the absurd space that was currently between them. There wasn’t an audience of thousands of people now, and Phil really, really wanted to kiss Dan.

Dan mirrored Phil’s actions, moving closer and closer until their bodies, their faces, were just centimeters apart.

Phil wet his lips, his gaze flickering from Dan’s eyes to his chapped pink lips. When he looked back up, Dan’s eyes had fallen almost completely closed, his head already tipping slightly. Phil followed Dan’s lead, closing his eyes, and tipping his head to the right and —

“Fuck,” Dan exclaimed, stumbling back half a step from Phil and fishing his vibrating phone out of his pocket. “Sorry, Adaline’s travelling and…” His hands were noticeably shaking as he swiped and answered the call. “Hey Addie.”

Phil’s heart was still in his throat, and his body had gone numb with disappointment.

Dan was still so close that Phil could hear Adaline through the phone.

“Hey Dan, I’m at your apartment, but the doorman won’t let me in because apparently you don’t have me down as a permanent visitor, loser.”

“Shit, sorry,” Dan apologized, his eyes flicking up to Phil and giving Phil the sense that the apology was as much for him as it was for Adaline. A deep, disappointed frown was etched on Dan’s face. “The producer wanted to talk for a minute, but I’m leaving now,” he rushed to add. “I’ll be there in a few minutes.”

“Hurry up, my phone’s nearly dead and I forgot my charger at home.”

“Okay, okay, I’m coming sis.” Dan hung up, frowning apologetically at Phil. He tugged his lip into his mouth, his bite strong enough to turn his lip white. “I need to go,” Dan said with a disappointed sigh.”Besides,” he added, glancing anxiously over to the glass wall separating them from the public hallway, “We aren’t exactly alone here.”

As if on cue, the intern that worked on Phil’s show came out of loo and walked right past the doorway Matt had dragged them through.

“Shit, yeah,” Phil muttered, his eyes following the intern down the hall. He knew Dan wasn’t out, and didn’t want to be out — this was the wrong moment. When Phil finally got to kiss Dan, he wanted everything to be perfect. “You’re right,” he agreed.

He didn’t make any move to step back though.

“I really do need to go, though,” Dan murmured, not stepping back either. He almost sounded like he was apologizing again, or trying to tell Phil that this wasn’t a rejection.

Silence descended upon them and they stood, just a few centimeters apart, staring into each other’s eyes, stuck in the reverie of each other.

“That’s okay,” Phil managed eventually. He swallowed thickly as he tore his eyes away from Dan, knowing that unless he did, he was never going to be able to walk away from this moment. “I’ll see you when you’re back.” Phil managed eventually. “Monday right?”

“Yeah,” Dan nodded slowly. “I’ll text you as soon as I get back to my apartment.”

Offering Phil an awkward half smile filled with regret, Dan reached for Phil’s hand and gave it a soft squeeze. Reluctantly, he turned and ducked out the door.

Exhausted from such a rollercoaster of emotions, Phil slumped backwards against the table and dropped his face into his hands.

They’d been close. So, so, so close to finally going for it.

While Phil would wait for Dan as long as he had to, he’d been right there. Now, Monday seemed like an eternity away.

#phan #phanfic #phan au #phanfiction #barista!phil #singer!dan #coffee shop au #love yourself #ly #iminclinedtowriting #mine

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