#did i spend too much time overanalyzing a single line--yes

[tenebriskukris]

Oshi No Ko Chapter 160 - My Thoughts/Analysis - An Addendum

I was hit by a couple of thoughts that I had while rereading this chapter in conjunction with the last few twenty or so chapters before it and I thought it was relevant enough to add here at the bottom of my usual chapter analysis. More specifically, thoughts about the line that Aqua says to Hikaru about Ruby.

There are two ways to interpret Aqua’s line that Ruby is different from either Aqua himself or Hikaru. The first is that it’s the series fucking up again. By now, the readers are very much privy to Ruby’s black star arc and her own manipulations. That entire arc serves to highlight her own manipulations to find Goro’s killer and avenge him in the same way Aqua wanted to avenge Ai. Now, why would the series choose to hammer in the point that Ruby is somehow different from either Hikaru and Aqua when she herself has manipulated people for some end goal—whether that was a net positive or negative for the people she manipulated—and have Aqua emphasize this point during the confrontation with Hikaru?

It could obviously be a thematic fuck up. The series has fallen into numerous pitfalls in the last act of the manga so it wouldn’t be very surprising that it’s dropped the ball yet again. Even if they wanted to hammer in this point to the readers I’d argue that it simply wasn’t executed very well for this point to be made in the context of the Aqua-Hikaru confrontation. It falls flat if you think about it for more than five seconds.

The second way to interpret Aqua’s words requires a bit more critical thinking to achieve. Bear with me for a moment while I go on a slight tangent. There are often at least two—three, if the writer knows their shit—layers of information that exist within every conversation between characters. The first layer is what is written as text. Simple enough—everything the characters say in a conversation.

The second layer is subtext—the stuff that isn’t spoken aloud but instead relies on inference based off of what we know about the characters. An example from the series I love to point out to people is when Mem confronts Aqua about avoiding Kana. Over the course of that conversation Mem comes to the conclusion that Aqua is obsessed with Kana—but Mem isn’t aware of all the facts. Aqua has seen Ai die because of a stalker, and in his mind he can’t be around Kana because he’s afraid of a similar thing happening—not because of some sort of obsession or love, but because he’s concerned with her safety. This subtext is further reinforced both before and after this conversation happens by both Akane and Aqua, lending credence to these facts this subtext is trying to highlight.

Now, back to the Aqua-Hikaru confrontation and the second interpretation of this line. Aqua saying these words to Hikaru certainly hold meaning. We know that Ruby has confessed to Aqua during her black star arc about the extent of her manipulations. Aqua knows just what Ruby is willing to do for revenge and what she’d done to avenge him. If Aqua is still saying these lines knowing exactly what she’d done—he’s willing to look past her manipulations and everything Ruby’s done during that period of her life and is still saying that she’s different from both Hikaru or himself. 

Did the series intend this kind of ambiguity? Absolutely fucking not. This is a series that refuses to show key reveals to the readers, that refuses to take the time to flesh out our characters’ mindsets half the time, that simply wants to speedrun to the finish line to the detriment of the story itself, and most importantly of all, doesn’t pay me to fill in its narrative pitfalls. 

The segways well towards the third layer of information: What the narrative wants to communicate to the readers. We see this well with how the narrative has positioned Ruby as someone who will surpass Ai. Discussions about whether or not it’s a good decision or not or whether or not it’s earned aside, it’s quite clear that this is the direction that manga is taking. I’ll be honest in my own opinions in that I don’t quite think that they executed that plot beat well enough, but the fact is that this idea has been consistently been hammered in time and again by the narrative itself, for better or worse.

This is what the narrative is telling us about Ruby: That she is someone who will surpass Ai. In spite of the fact that the execution of that fact leaves much to be desired in some aspects. The narrative is telling us that Ruby is to surpass Ai without the sufficient buildup or required time for such an idea to organically breathe within the scope of the series itself.

This disconnect between what the narrative is telling us and what we as readers see throughout the series is the reason why the first interpretation of Aqua’s words to Ruby exist. While the subtext gives a believable explanation behind Aqua’s words to Hikaru in this conversation, what the narrative is telling us here contradicts what readers have already seen throughout the series.

This leads into an interesting train of thought. Does one place the subtext implied by a single line over the contradiction of what the narrative has to say versus what is actually being shown when crafting interpretations towards the series? It’s simply a matter of how a reader views Ruby—and by proxy Aqua’s—character. Assuming that one doesn’t believe it’s a mistake on the writer’s part.

Of course, these interpretations can very much exist in harmony. Aqua can be wrong in saying that Ruby is different from Hikaru and himself and also still believe that Ruby is different from the pair even though she’d gone down a similar path. Perhaps they’d talked about Ruby’s time seeking revenge offscreen and got some closure there. Perhaps Aqua had that realization offscreen and is now using it against Hikaru—offscreen yet again. It wouldn’t fucking surprise me at this point considering how much the story seems satisfied with pulling tricks out of its own ass in order to progress the story.

Oshi No Ko Chapter 160 - My Thoughts/Analysis

This was simultaneously a very satisfying and unsatisfying chapter at the same time. I feel like that’s a large issue with the series at large, in fact. High highs and low lows. As always, spoilers for Oshi No Ko Ch160 below.

We’re back with Hikaru and Aqua’s conversation—and a small flashback to Akane grilling Nino on her own relationship with Hikaru. Hikaru mentions that pushing someone off in this panel—then immediately backtracking to say he didn’t do any of that. Really bro? I’m not sure if Yura’s corpse has been found yet or if Nino spilled the information that Hikaru had a hand in her death there but I find that strange. 

All he did was talk about Ai. He wouldn’t let us forget about her. He thought that was enough for us to break. It’s incredible how bad this makes Nino and Ryosuke look. The two of them weren’t contractually obligated to be around Hikaru for any period of time—and because of his manipulations the two of them got their hands dirty.

Perhaps I should be a bit more sympathetic to them considering that Hikaru already had a pension for manipulation even at a young age and I’m well aware that cutting toxic friends out of your circle is a chore and a half but considering that Nino was still being manipulated by Hikaru and was an almost thirty year old woman when she was aware of that sort of manipulation from him in the first place—and don’t even get me started on the fact that she was working with him during the movie arc. 

Hikaru asked Ryosuke to deliver a bouquet and then leaked Ai’s address? There is absolutely no way that could’ve backfired on him in the slightest. Please note the sarcasm there. If Ryosuke had been caught by the police instead of hanging himself and he spilled that info to them then Hikaru would be in some real deep trouble. Did he not think that would backfire at all??? There was absolutely no way for him to be sure that Ryosuke would hang himself or get caught by the police or that he or Nino wouldn’t be connected to Ai’s murder. It’s just—absolutely stupid. Ruins the suspension of disbelief.

I do have a small nitpick on this mess though. Aqua says that Hikaru tried to kill Ruby—using Nino as a proxy—but how is he sure about that exactly? Nino might have squealed everything she knows about Hikaru to Akane and that information was delivered to Aqua after the fact since Nino’s capture likely happens chronologically before this encounter but that bit is not communicated properly to the viewer in an easy to digest manner so it feels like we’re just taking Aqua at his word here. It’s such a small thing but honestly there’s bigger fish to fry with this chapter.

These few pages of Hikaru explaining himself are, to me, a load of shite. We’ve already been clued in to the fact that this man is a grade-A liar so I’m not sure how inclined I am to believe him here. I make it a point to never take what any character says at face value unless there’s sufficient reason to prove otherwise—but from both how Nino’s telling the story and the logical inconsistency that Hikaru gave Ryosuke, a stalker with an obsession for Ai, her address—well. There’s more than enough evidence to call bull on this entire spiel—and Aqua does that too.

Ah yes, Nino wanting to kill Ruby and Hikaru not doing anything to prevent it. That is also a bit of a red flag there. Hikaru definitely was aware of Nino wanting to kill Ruby—and he didn’t even report Nino to the police or contacted Aqua or anything. He just let it happen, and in doing so helped kill Ruby by inaction. It does nag at me slightly considering that Hikaru told Nino that they should turn themselves in to the police, but I’m not sure whether to brush that off as bad fucking writing, which would be par for the course with the manga, or more of Hikaru’s manipulations.

Actually now that I think about it, Hikaru calling Nino during that one scene a few chapters back is a massive error on Hikaru’s part. It’s an easily accessible link to the police to link Nino and Hikaru if Nino was ever taken in. If Nino suspected that Hikaru was manipulating Ryosuke and her into trying to kill Ai and or Ruby, and the only reason she didn’t go to the police herself to tell them that both of them were also responsible was that she herself would be implicated in that same murder, if she got caught by anyone after stabbing Ruby it would be game over with Hikaru. Nino could squeal that she had a hand in Ai’s death as well as Hikaru’s part in all of these murders—since they were working together somewhat—and then that’d be game over for Hikaru. The Japanese conviction rate of close to a hundred percent strikes again.

And then there’s the full page panel of Hikaru with black star eyes and grinning like a horror monster. Cute and all, but it’s all style with little substance. I’d prefer a well written antagonist rather than one with a brilliant design but falls flat. There’s a reason I don’t dabble in criticizing the art in the manga, and it’s not because I’m no artist—any concept can perform well as long as its foundations are steady. As much as I love some of the art in this manga, it’s extraneous in terms of the story at large. While, sure, the manga’s art is notable at times, no amount of pretty art can make a pile of shit stop smelling like a pile of shit.

You tortured the hearts of others on purpose and stoked the flames of madness of those who were weak. Considering that Nino had already been captured and also assuming that Akane had conveyed all of this to Aqua beforehand it’s not much of a wonder that Aqua is coming to these conclusions. Unfortunately the manga just fucking refuses to show us how Aqua came to this conclusion and instead tells it to us as though the readers were children.

The question of whether or not Nino is slandering Hikaru like this did cross my mind—but she really isn’t smart enough for something like that in my opinion—otherwise she would’ve found a way to dispose of Ruby without putting herself at risk or made sure that it actually was Ruby who she was trying to stab. Nino fully intended to go down with the ship when she attempted to stab Ruby in broad daylight like this. Not to mention my previous assessment that Hikaru stood by and let Nino try and kill Ruby in the first place still holds weight, so I don’t think what she’s saying is false—at least not without any other evidence.

I see, you’re the same. You have the same eyes as me. And that shot with both of them with black star eyes…Quite impressive ambience. I mentioned before about how I don’t criticize the art of the manga, but this is one of those moments where there’s plenty of style to highlight the substance of the panel. Well done.

Oh, we’re getting a bit of explanation about the eyes. I don’t have the exact interview on me at the moment but I recall the authors saying that the stars in people’s eyes just aren’t visible and are instead just a metaphor or something along those lines—point is, Hikaru and Aqua can’t see the black stars in each other’s eyes. But with his pension for manipulation I don’t think it’s a stretch for Hikaru to shoot in the dark in order to get under Aqua’s skin here. 

Is Hikaru really going on this “we’re not so different” bit? That’s cool and all but usually the villain follows up on this by tempting the hero or trying to break them by talking but this just falls oh so very flat when you think about it for more than two seconds. What is the point that he’s trying to make here? That Aqua and him are the same? Okay, cool. But that’s not right at all. Everything Aqua’s done for revenge has been morally dubious at times as he’d been playing the industry game, but that’s egregious compared to, y’know, the actual literal murder that Hikaru has enabled through his manipulations. It’s not a competition.

It’s true that we’re ugly beings that manipulate people’s hearts, deceive them, and make us obey them for our own sake. That’s more than a bit of hatred towards yourself and Hikaru in your words there, Aqua. I’d even argue that that sort of shine is exactly what a performer needs to evoke emotions in their fans—it’s merely a matter of using that kind of pull responsibly.

Ruby is different. Even now, she’s singing of love. That’s certainly some bias that he has for her, gotta say. Ruby’s black star arc comes to mind as a time when Ruby was manipulating people to avenge Goro but saying that Ruby’s an exception is a bit of a stretch. Though—considering how much Aqua cares for Ruby I’m more than sure that his feelings are coloring his words right here—it’s very in character.

And another few panels detailing how Aqua sees the star eyes and about how these eyes are supposed to convey love…it’s interesting. I’m quite sure we already know for a fact that the eyes are supposed to represent talent or something of the sort from an official interview, but it’s nice to see that the star eyes are used here as a vehicle to display how Aqua views that kind of pull and influence in respects to all the Hoshinos. And that one panel of Ai holding baby Aqua and Ruby…damn. Never forget what we lost.

AQUA WITH DOUBLE STAR EYES??? AFTER HE TALKS ABOUT RUBY LIKE THAT??????? Welp, that’s game. GG WP. 

Well that was certainly A Chapter. With some of the Aqua-Hikaru confrontation out of the way I think it’s time to rip out this chapter’s guts.

As a single chapter—I think this chapter did well enough to stand on its own merits. As a part of a greater whole? It misses the mark quite badly in terms of pacing. The aftermath of the Nino confrontation and just what exactly she said and the question of how that was relayed to Aqua are questions that aren’t really necessary for the manga to flow together coherently, but when the manga tries to answer them so opaquely and in the middle of the Aqua-Hikaru confrontation it messes with the atmosphere and the pacing of what should be the main event.

What’s annoying is that this is an issue that could be easily solved by restructuring the order of events. Just focus on the Nino aftermath and squeeze all the info out of her for a chapter and end it off with Akane telling Aqua all of this over the phone before meeting Hikaru. Simple, efficient, and it doesn’t break too much with the timeline. 

One question that I still have to pose is why. Why the hell did Hikaru try to kill Ruby using Nino as a proxy? Obviously doing nothing is easier than doing something since he mainly kills through via proxy and if he didn’t do anything to stop Nino he knew she would make a move on Ruby, but the question of why is still hidden. While I’m now relatively confident that his prior reasons for killing Ai that he’d explained in his previous confrontations with Aqua are bullshit, that still leaves his reasoning for orchestrating their deaths unknown. Perhaps we’ll get a peek in his head before the end? 

In regards to the Nino-Hikaru antagonist fake out—I’m still on the fence on it. I’d been meaning to give my own take on it as soon as this confrontation was dealt with, but I need to see how Hikaru is dealt with before I give my honest opinion on the matter, but I’m not liking what the authors are giving us so far.

Now then—the final panel. This is the nail in the coffin for everyone that isn’t Ruby for the Aquabowl. The last chapter showing that Aqua wasn’t even at Kana’s graduation concert for Kana herself is telling enough, but this final scene showing him with both star eyes about to kill his father for Ruby’s sake is—well. If it was Akane or Kana that Aqua mentioned in this scene then you’d be sure that it’d be a downright slam dunk confirmation towards who would be the winning girl by the fandom but because Ruby’s entire admission in the Aquabowl is controversial as all hell it’s less interpreted in the manner. Bit of a double standard there in my opinion, but I’m sure we’ll be getting more content for us Ruby fans to chomp on. 

In any case, I suspect the manga will be wrapping up soon. With Aqua’s revenge against Hikaru almost certainly coming to pass within the next chapter or so I don’t expect there’s any other plot points that the manga will go out of its way to detail going forward. A quick look at the current chapters in each volume of the manga tells me that the end of this current volume is on the horizon. Perhaps one more volume and another ten-ish chapters to wrap everything up, but truthfully I wouldn’t be surprised if the manga ended with this volume. It wouldn’t be the first time this manga has neglected good writing to finish the story faster.

[spenciegoob]

How to Never Stop Being Sad

A/N: Yes, this is another song inspired fic I am OBSESSED with them. If you’ve listened to how to never stop being sad by dandelion hands, are you okay? If you haven’t and you do because of this I would like to formally apologize. Okay so I started writing this and I just want to say that every single one of you is so beautiful because like wait hold on I’m getting flustered... Anyways, everything about you is beautiful that I just got so overly flustered and hot THINKING about it. Okay that’s all carry on.

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader

Summary: Spencer shows Reader how to stop being sad in tiny ways.

Category: Angst, Hurt/Comfort

Content Warnings: mentions of depression, loneliness, body image issues and self deprecating thoughts

Word Count: 21K

Masterlist

____

Time has proven that fooling yourself into believing the lies is the most effective way to deal with the things you have no control over.

She sat there, for too long if she was being honest, staring at a reflection that couldn’t have been real. The mirror in her bedroom had to have been replaced with one from a carnival, distorting the image as a sick, twisted joke.

Your thighs are huge.

Your hips are too wide.

Your stretch marks are disgusting.

She had enough, finally letting the tears that welled in her eyes escape, falling down like raindrops on a window as she sat back and rested her head between her knees. She couldn’t bare to see anymore, all the early morning jogs, gym memberships and diet remedies were for nothing. 

Her body had a mind of its own, and she couldn’t control it.

But then her front door clicked as Spencer all too excitedly used his brand new key, expecting to see his girlfriend sitting on the couch he fell in love with her on. The first day she invited him upstairs, the door was opened and his eyes immediately fell to the obscure, bright purple sofa that oddly enough went well with the rest of her simplistic, white furniture. 

“I saw it once at a thrift shop and it was too perfect not to buy it,” she said, noticing the way he was eyeing the couch. He let a smile break across his face, knowing in that moment that he may just be in love.

But she wasn’t there, and when the door clicked shut, she was also made aware of the presence in her home. 

Quickly, she pulled herself off the floor, wiped the tears that accumulated under her eyes and down her cheeks, and avoided looking at the reflection in front of her.

“Y/N? Are you here?” Spencer called from the living room. She knew he was slowly taking steps that he attempted to make as quiet as possible, just in case, towards the hallway that led to her. 

“Uh, y-yeah I’m here. Just a second!” She called back, rushed and stuttering as she looked for the biggest sweatshirt and sweatpants she could find. Deciding on gray sweats and a Caltech sweatshirt, both belonging to Spencer, she took one last look at her face hoping he won’t catch what her previous activities consisted of.

When she walked out of the bedroom, Spencer saw it. He always did.

But what she noticed was the fact Spencer was dressed up, even after stopping home from the office before coming to her. They had a date, and it wasn’t that she forgot, oh no, she remembered clearly, but in her attempts to find something to wear that would be enough, her spiral had begun.

“Come here,” was all Spencer said, opening his arms for her to waltz into, and she did, slowly dragging her fuzzy sock clad feet over to the man in front of her that held both the warmth and answers that she needed.

“I’m sorry, I just... I can’t-”

“I know, it’s okay.” His reassurance calmed the nerves she had for the past hour over if Spencer would be mad that she flaked on a date. “Usually I’m the one to cancel dates. Do you want to tell me what’s wrong?”

He wasn’t prying for answers, she knew that, and she also knew that if she said no, Spencer wouldn’t push it. That was the thing about Spencer; he didn’t need to know what was wrong, but he always knew how to fix it.

“Not yet,” she mumbled, her words muffled by his chest that she pressed her face into the moment she had the chance.

Spencer cradled the back of her head, forcing it off his chest softly to gaze down at her with a face full of worry, curiosity, but most importantly, adoration.

“Come on, sweetheart. I wanna try something,” Spencer said before grabbing her hand and leading her to the purple velour couch. He sat down first, pointing away from him with his free hand letting her know he wants her facing away.

The second she sat down, Spencer let go of her hand and replaced both on top of her shoulders.

“Spence, what are you doing?” She giggled slightly when his fingers brushed near her neck. Spencer will never quite get used to how ticklish she was.

“I’m giving you a massage, I could feel how tense your muscles were from across the room.” She knew it was a lie. He also knew it was a lie, but neither had the want to say anything about it. 

His hands caressed her shoulders before moving down to her back, his fingers resting on the sides of her body as his thumbs did all the work. She let her head lean back as a sigh left her body with the tension.

“You’re so beautiful,” Spencer whispered just loud enough for them to hear, and even though they were the only two in the room, the admission felt natural as a whisper like if he said it any louder, it may have broken the bubble they were in.

Slowly, she looked down to the left of her, watching Spencer out of her peripherals. The second her eyes started to glisten, he abandoned the massage altogether to wrap his arms around her waist and pull her directly against him.

“I’m sorry I don't know why I’m crying,” she said between gasps for air and soft sobs. Spencer simply shushed her, and held her close to his chest, brushing his fingers through her hair.

He tried to turn her body to face him, but in her stubbornness, she stayed with her back to his chest.

“Hey, look at me, sweetheart.” Spencer put a finger under her chin, delicately lifted her head to lock teary eyes with his loving ones. “You are the most beautiful girl in the world, and I promise to remind you that every day for the rest of my life.”

And Spencer Reid kept his promise.

Keep listening to the mixtapes they made you, overanalyze every single word you hear. "Was this a sign that things were going wrong?" No no, you were the one that cared too hard, not them.

The couple had impulsively decided to spend their two free days together in an impromptu vacation to New York City. Spencer never actually cared for the city, but when he watched the way she lit up as she suggested they go “be one with the New Yorkers,” how could he say no?

That’s how he found himself in the passenger seat of her broken down Volkswagen beetle listening to her sing along to the words of a song he’s never heard. Most of the songs she’s played so far he hasn’t known, but after watching her get lost in music she has no shame in showing she loves, he knows every line.

And when the song changes, his ears perk up because he knows this song. Spencer is aware that it doesn’t quite conventionally fit in his usual music library, but nonetheless, it’s adored just the same as Beethoven or Bach.

But then the channel is changed, the force used to push the button on the radio much stronger than needed. It was quiet for a second before Spencer spoke up.

“Are you okay?” It was simply put enough that if something was wrong, which evidently there was, she wouldn’t feel interrogated about it, only comforted.

“Uh, yeah. Everything’s cool,” she said in what could be the most unbelievable faux cheerfulness Spencer had ever heard. “That song just brings up some bad memories.”

“Oh,” Spencer whispered. When it didn’t look like she was going to elaborate, he continued. “Do you want better ones?”

“What?” She took her eyes off the road to look at Spencer like what he just asked was absolutely preposterous. “What do you mean?”

Instead of answering, he changed the station on the radio back. Time was on Spencer’s side this morning, because the peak of the song was about to play once he settled back.

She's a, she's a lady, and I am just a Line Without a Hook

BABY, I AM A WRECK WHEN I’M WITHOUT YOU

Spencer loudly sang along to the words, throwing his head back as he yelled and using his hands as he sang. She looked over at him with wide eyes that slowly shrunk as her smile grew.

The ice the song caused to freeze over her mind and heart slowly melted from the warmth Spencer’s love spread. Together, they sang the rest of the song, and when it was over, she still had a smile on her face.

“You’re a terrible singer, you know.”

“Oh, I know.”

Stay up every single night staring at your phone either attempting to gather up the courage to turn these demons, these constant reminders of your loneliness into nothing more than a bad dream, or praying just for one second you could feel the warmth of equally returned love.

There are many reasons one doesn’t answer their phone.

She could be on the phone with another person, but no that’s not possible. Her hatred for speaking over the phone ensued she never answered anyone but him.

Maybe her battery died, but that would mean she didn’t charge it overnight. Spencer watched her plug it in around midnight, even after he’s told her the dangers of doing that.

His mind unfortunately went to a darker place, because what he didn’t know was that hers did too.

She had watched her phone on her dresser vibrate insistently all three times until it fell to the floor with a deafening crash. She hoped that it didn’t crack, but that hope wasn’t strong enough to get her out of bed to check. 

Spencer in his panic never expected to walk into her apartment to find everything in its place. Her car keys sat where they always did, in the bowl by the front door. The boots she usually found an excuse to wear with everything were sitting where she struggled every day to get them off by the couch, and there wasn’t a single sign of a struggle.

And then he walked into her bedroom to check one last time before he called Garcia, and while he found signs of a struggle, it wasn’t the one he was dreading.

It was the one she was.

They made eye contact the second the door opened, and upon seeing her safe, Spencer bit back a sigh of relief. There was no relief flooding his veins when the sadness in her eyes traveled to his, creating a sick equilibrium.

Spencer’s mind no longer cared about the missed phone calls, there were more important matters at hand.

“Hi, sweet girl,” was all he said as he shuffled into the room. “I got to go home early today, so I was thinking I could cook dinner for us.” Spencer had started to pick up thrown clothes off the floor, securing them in the dirty hamper. He was about to start putting books back on her bookshelf when she called out.

“Spencer.” It was only a whisper, because anything louder would’ve been too much work.

“I know, I know. My cooking skills aren’t the greatest bu-”

“Spencer,” she said again, much louder this time, even if it was just a hoarse excuse of his name.

He turned to her this time, stopping his cleaning. She had sat up only slightly to catch his eye. Regret filled her veins when they met, but upon gazing into pools of honey that held no pity, but an understanding, it melted.

“What are you doing?”

Instead of truly answering the question, Spencer held up the books that were in his hands. “Do you organize by last name?” When she just gawked at him, he continued, “We’ll do last name.”

She had no energy to fight him, he was right about the last name at least. Instead, she just watched him organize the book shelf in record speed, her mind clearing the fog that laid dangerously close to her thoughts.

When Spencer picked up the last book to be put away, she called for him again.

“Can you read that one to me?”

“Of course, sweetheart.”

Go out for coffee four times a week by yourself, always bring your notebook, never stop writing. Leave little comics and thank you notes with your tip, watch them smile as you get in your car.

She always sat alone. It was the first thing Spencer noticed about her because he too enjoyed his coffee at a table with only one chair. He would watch her every day when he got the chance to go to this cafe, so much so that his brain associated her with the place. The small mismatched couches that gave it a homey feel would always remind him of her, even if she were not sitting on them.

Who she was? Spencer did not know, but he was going to make it his mission to find out.

He always sat alone. A man like that, one with features perfectly sculpted, and an aura of comfortability so strong she didn’t have to follow the jingle of the bells on top of the door to know it was him who entered. She would look up from her notepad filled with doodles of everyone who walked by her, and comments about the day. He would always be reading, it being a new book each time. 

One day when she looked up at him, wondering what he could possibly be reading now, their eyes met. She felt herself get lost in his eyes, like running through a forest, charting unknown territory carefree with no reason to turn back. Everything about him was so soft that she feared if he came any closer to her jagged thoughts, he may find himself ripped to shreds.

For the first time in Spencer’s life, his mind seized its constant running, the relief so strong he felt his limbs follow suit. She had paralyzed him with her stare, green meeting honey, mind numb except for the begging to get up and introduce himself.

In all the times he watched her, Spencer had never seen her smile until that moment. If there was any doubt that he shouldn’t talk to her, it was quickly washed away with the realization he would stop at nothing to see it again.

“Uh hi, I’m Spencer. Spencer Reid.” When she looked up at him from where she went back to writing, his heart faltered. Her gaze was so cathartic that it leaves his brain fuzzy and his heart giddy.

Spencer never believed in a god, but if there was one, she was sitting in front of him.

“I’m Y/N. Y/N Y/L/N. It’s nice to finally meet you.” Giddy and fuzzy.

When his phone rings, Spencer swore whoever dared interrupt the moment he’s been dreaming of every night for 4 months was going to feel a wrath unparalleled. He reached into his pocket, and upon reading ‘Hotchner’ in bold letters, his face fell. 

“It’s okay. We’ll see each other again,” she reassured him before he had the chance to queue her in on his need to leave. She just knew, the same way she knew it wasn’t going to be the last time she saw his face.

“Until then.”

“Until then.” She smiled as she watched him leave, and once the door shut behind him, she returned to her notebook. The smile never left.

Talk down on yourself whenever possible; my life is shit because I deserve it, right? You must have done something real bad, it’s nearly impossible for you to cry now.

It was always the little moments that Spencer let it slide. When he brought her coffee on the off chance he found a free day, and surrounded by her appreciation for his kindness was a mumbled ‘I don’t deserve you,’ he let it go. 

The time they walked by a small boutique, and a dress in the window caught her eye. It was short, purple silk loosely hanging off the collarbone of the mannequin, only to tighten at the waist. 

“I couldn’t imagine wearing something like that,” she told Spencer before the two continued to walk. He could.

Spencer thought she would look rather beautiful in it.

And now, they sat on her purple couch while Spencer attempted to pay attention to the TV show she was binging. He kept all his comments to himself, she liked to talk about what they watched after, and he vowed that this time, Spencer would actively participate in the conversation.

But when he looked down at the girl laying in his lap, he found she was no longer following the storyline, and instead looked a million lightyears away.

“Hey.” Her attention snapped to him instantly. “Where'd you go just now?”

“I was just thinking about you,” she admitted. Looking away she continued. “About us.”

She didn’t continue with that thought, but with the sadness that filled her voice, Spencer knew there was more than what she was letting on. He also knew that if she really wanted to share her demons with him, letting them dance circles around them in the dark until the sun came up, she would release them. So instead, he tried to shoo them away.

“You know I love you, right?” If reassurance was what she needed, he would be more than happy to grant her that.

“Why?” She whispered back, so softly that Spencer could’ve missed the way the room no longer just held the two of them. She could not find a singular thing she loved about herself in that moment, so what was Spencer actually seeing?

Spencer sat with that question for a moment.

“You make me smile, even when you’re not with me. When I’m away, thinking about you is the highlight of my day. You’re beautiful, it kind of knocks me off my feet for a second, and you’re so kind, even when people don’t deserve it. You’re a light in the dark. Plus you make really good cookies, but that’s just an added bonus. Does that answer your question?”

Spencer looked back down at her, finding a smile and tears, and somewhere in his mind, he knew to make a mental note of this image.

“Yes,” she whispered before reaching up and cupping his face. “But now I really want cookies.”

Avoid your friends for weeks even though they're the only sense of consistency you have left in your life, if they really wanted to see you they'd come, but they won't.

She could feel herself slowly closing off, and no matter how much she willed for the isolation to find its way out, it still crept in at night. Without care, she let it consume her, taking more and more time during the day to dissipate to inevitably crawl back at the first sign of dark. It infiltrated her mind like a parasite, latching on to the first vulnerable thought.

Spencer did nothing wrong, he was sure of it. What he wasn’t sure of, however, was the reason for his girlfriend’s abrupt distance. He knew that in relationships, sometimes space apart from one another is important, but that knowledge wasn’t enough to stop the nagging feeling.

Something else was wrong, he was sure of it.

Alone she sat staring out the window at cars that drove by and people enjoying the day in each other’s company. The sounds of the world were not enough to drown out her mind’s racing, the thoughts so loud that she could’ve missed the knock at her front door.

It happened again when she refused to move or make a sound that could inform whoever was on the other side of her door that she was home. By the third round of knocking, she grew irritated and stormed over to give whoever interrupted her self loathing a piece of her mind.

But she opened the door and there stood Spencer, and whatever obscenities she planned on yelling were forgotten. In their place, guilt flooded through her because Spencer didn’t storm in angry, or yell at her for avoiding him for a week. Instead, he just stood there, no anger, just unapologetically Spencer.

“It’s been a week,” he said, no heavy emotions in his voice, just very matter-of-factly. “I hope it’s okay I stopped by.”

No one had ever just “stopped by” before. 

“It’s more than okay.”

Allow yourself to lose interest in the things you love, watch as you begin to take a backseat to the world around you, don't fight it. Become a secondary character in your own motion picture.

Spencer wasn’t particularly snooping as he was curious. She was in the shower, and he spotted it. Before he even had the chance to force his eyes anywhere but the leather bound journal, it was too late. His mind was already too curious for any other decision besides to read what was inside.

It was the same journal she was so engrossed in every time he looked at her in the cafe.

The first few pages were simple sketches of people he recognized as regulars from the cafe. On the fifth page, what looked to be an unfinished drawing of a man was found with a little note next to it that read ‘My art doesn’t do him justice.”

Spencer could’ve sworn he had that same haircut 7 months ago.

Moving on, he flipped to a page with a drawing of a sunflower on it, the stem growing up the side of the page with a small flower on the top, leaning over what he suspected was a poem. It read,

with striking precision, my mind is full of thoughts

only i have not a soul to voice these nags

the episodes of Self Growth and Actualization that i long to not be

my reassurance alone.

if only my being was of a sunflower’s,

to sit in a field surrounded by those who are

Just Like Me.

Spencer read it over and over, scouring his brain for the poem’s author. He was trying so hard, his brain going into overdrive that he missed the sound of the shower turning off.

She walked out of the bathroom to find Spencer sitting on her bed, journal in hand.

“What’re you doing?” She asked, although no matter how hard she tried to sound serious and authoritative, it more or so came out joyous with the giggles that followed her question.

“Who wrote this poem?” Spencer asked, finally looking up at her. There she stood in the doorway of the bathroom, bright pink fuzzy pants and a white t-shirt on, drying her hair with a towel and she has never looked more beautiful.

“Which one?” She walked over and peaked at the page Spencer landed on. “Oh, that’s mine.”

It was so nonchalant that Spencer had to repeat it over in his mind to fully grasp what she said. 

“You wrote this?”

“Mhm.”

“Do you have more?” She laughed at his eagerness, but when she looked over at his dead serious face, her smile dropped.

“You can’t be serious. Spencer I wrote those so long ago. Eventually I realized it was going nowhere and just gave up. They’re really not that special.”

“They are to me.” The couple held eye contact, a silent standoff between the two. One of them had to back out eventually, and then the thought that no one in her life had ever told her that her art, whether it was huge painting or little doodles, long written out memoirs or tiny poems, was special. 

So she threw the competition, and sat down next to him on the bed.

“There’s another one on the next two pages.”

You don't need other people to drive away your loneliness, you just needed to find a way to talk to it.

______

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[heyheshi]

Her

2.8k words

written and uploaded: September 10 - 11, 2020

🌙 - angst

Please like and reblog! Also please don't post my writings anywhere!

I'm sorry this is a bit late, I was really busy the whole day! Also i feel like this isn't too angsty or this isn't as heartbreaking as i wanted it to be haha probably because I'm too tired right now, it's 3:00 am where I live but i really wanted to write it since this concept has been with me since i first started writing and i feel like i can nail it since me and this guy broke up just this last Saturday lol. But idk i don't think i gave this one a justice but please let me know!!

Also i tweeked some of the details of the whole album release as well as the album/song meaning/interpretation itself.

Btw! I'm planning on writing a second part and hopefully a third part which will have a spin off so tell me if you want me to write it!

Stream the songs in BOLD LETTERS AKA THE WHOLE ALBUM.

Masterlist

_________

You're proud. You're so proud of him, so fucking proud of your best friend - your boyfriend. You don't remember the last time you felt like this - you're anxious, excited, scarred - everything and you felt like you might pass out with every tick of the seconds of the clock.

You look like a crazy person. Sitting at the end of the edge of the couch, your foot tapping rapidly along with your ranging mind. Your natural nails now looks awful from how much you've bitten it for God knows how long. Your hair disheveled together with your now wrinkled clothes.

Harry on the other hand looks calm - too calm for your liking and you wanna scream at him for still looking so good even though you know he's also just as tense as you, maybe even more, but you can't. Not on one of the most special occasions in his life.

Tonight is the release date of his second solo album "Fine Line". You couldn't fathom how much sleepless nights he went through just to produce this - along with the crew and you couldn't be any less prideful. Harry has been so hands on, from the tunes, to the lyrics, to the instrumentals, to the photo shoot for the album cover, and even in the promo of the album.

You know everything he went through just to make it to his success right now. All the hardships, the pain, the tears, the laughter, the love - you've been there every step of the way. You never left him like how he left her.

And on that note, you felt like it's unfair if you get to hear the album first. Yes, you're there throughout the making but you never heard all of it. Harry insisted that you listen to the album after he's done recording it and as much as you'd love to, you politely declined and protested to just hear it along with the rest of the world, to which he agreed to.

There's just this thrill you're looking for, the thrill of having something you've wanted for a long time. The desire. The hunger. The yearn of hearing it for the first time after waiting for endless nights.

It's like being away from Harry and waiting in your room, longing for his touch, his kiss, his voice, and his presence and when he comes back - all of those explodes within you and it leaves you with the magical feeling that you couldn't feel anywhere else.

The process has been painful for you. He recorded in a different country and you had to do long distance again. At first it was fine but as the weeks passed, it got harder and harder for the both of you - being away from each other - so H insisted that you flew across the world to join him.

You didn't hesitate to say yes but even then, Harry always stays at the studio for days and comes home only for him to leave again but you understand. It's his work and you knew what you signed up for when you became his girlfriend and you vowed to yourself to fight and do everything you can for this relationship.

He was great though, took you on dates when he can and tried to spend as much time as he can with you because he knows that after the release of his album, the interviews will surely be nonstop and he'll be away again to plan for his promotional tour. You'd wake up with cute notes more often than not, flowers were also delivered almost everyday to where you two are staying.

But you felt it. You felt that he was slowly slipping away. You know it deep inside but you pretended not to notice. Too afraid of being kicked out of this world you created for the two of you. But perhaps he never really slipped away because maybe he was never truly yours in the first place.

Harry is so excited for you to hear his second baby so when the alarm clock went off, he quickly refreshed the website and played the first song. Golden.

You love the vibe. It's only the first song but you know that it'll be added to your personal playlist to jam with. He was looking at you the whole time, gauging your reaction but stayed quiet. The living room's filled with his voice and the lively instrumentals until the outro.

Maybe you're wrong. Maybe he wasn't slipping away and maybe he was truly yours before - and until now. Maybe it was just your mind playing tricks on you. Maybe, just maybe. A fifty - fifty chance for everything you don't know but you didn't let it eat you.

Next, the Watermelon Sugar. It is the song you knew will be a single and will have a music video. Just because you haven't heard the album before doesn't mean it stops Harry from sharing details here and there to you.

Your thoughts ran wild with thought of what the music video could be. The song is everything and you couldn't stop humming along with it and based on your reactions, he knew that he made the right choice of picking it as a single.

He's still yours. He loves you and he never slipped through your fingertips. You're most likely forcing yourself to believe it and so far it's working but you know you have to talk to Harry about the two of you sooner or later because it's not healthy for your health at all - the uncertainty that's currently laying in your persona.

The next two songs - Adore You and Lights Up - are the one's you've already heard before since those are the two that have a music video that came out before his album. Adore You is your favorite song. You're maybe being biased but the song just gives you great energy and you absolutely adored the concept of the video, as well as Harry's looks.

But the Lights Up hits different. You were there when they shoot it but you were sick so you didn't get go watch how they did it and you remembered watching the video for the first time and getting really really bothered by it that Harry had to take you to the nearest ice cream shop to calm you down. Your boyfriend looked so hot in it.

You're enjoying the album so far and you're almost too sure that nothing is wrong - or so you thought. It's silly but for some reason you felt like your relationship lies on this album.

Cherry came next, before, you thought it's gonna be upbeat like the Watermelon Sugar and Kiwi but oh boy, it's the opposite. It's not only the tune. It's the song itself that made you wanna walk out of the room.

You love songs like this, the type of songs that cuts deep within your soul. The type of song that can make you cry instantly but this is different.

You know the song is about her and if it the lyrics wasn't enough to slap you in the face, the voicemail at the end surely did. But this one hits different. Maybe it's because it shows you that Harry is not entirely yours in your relationship and that something inside him longs wants to have her again and it hurts. It crushes you but you're staying strong because like before, it's not certain - a maybe, there's still a chance and you're clinging into that like your life depends on it.

You couldn't look up. You know Harry is watching you. He tried to hide the outro, he almost clicked the button for the next track but you held your hand as a sign to stop. He couldn't hide it from you. The outro is still ringing in your ears like it's coming to get you. You can't. You just simply can't. Her voice with his giggles made you wonder what's running through his mind when he decided to put the voicemail.

You tried to hold your emotions and waited for the next song to start but it didn't get any better. Falling made your tears fall, finally. And when your boyfriend asked you if you're okay, the only response you told him was that, "you were so good with this it's making me really emotional", and he bought it.

He bought your lie. You don't know if you shall be happy or not. Happy because you wouldn't need to explain yourself further or sad because Harry believed it instantly without even asking if you're really okay for the second time.

The chorus hits different. You're baffled at how much emotion he put in that particular song. It felt so wrong but you couldn't do anything about it. You're sad. You're hurt. You don't know what will happen next. So you did what you do best - pretend that everything is alright.

Your mind was absent through the next two songs - To Be So Lonely and She. You still can't get over from the previous songs and it guilt you that you couldn't appreciate these songs as much as it shall be appreciated. All you know is that if Harry made it, it's fucking incredible.

He did mention to you in a low voice that To Be So Lonely is one of his favorites and oh you fucking wonder why but you didn't say it out loud, you kept quiet and pretended that you're analyzing every second of the song. And when he told you that She could be added to your love-making playlist, you only nodded.

The thought of it being added to your love-making playlist sickens you to the core specially now that you're almost too certain that this one is also about her, though you didn't reprimanded.

You tried to compose yourself along with the next song Sunflower, Vol. 6. You faked being happy just for the sake of this day. Yes, it is a happy and loving song but you couldn't enjoy it without overanalyzing the lyrics and the same goes to the next song Canyon Moon.

Who is the "Sunflower" Harry is referring to? You or her? Who will he be coming home to? Will he come running into your arms or will he seek warm in her presence? You hate to question it and you hate feeling this way but you're far too deep and you just wanted to get this night over.

Treat People with Kindness reminded you of your childhood cartoon theme songs and it eased you out. It also made you smile for the first time since Cherry and you could tell that Harry's relieved. It was the first time you looked up from the carpet and you almost thought that the next song is your saving grace. It's the final song anyway.

And it is. The only problem is that the song is you right now. Fine Line. The chorus kept repeating and it made you question your relationship. Is your relationship a fine line? Will the two of you be alright?

Thank God it's the last song because you couldn't wait to ask Harry something that really bothered you tonight. You need to know for your sake and for the sake of this relationship.

You'll be lying if you said you only shed a tear on the last song. No, you sobbed and Harry tried to console you and asked what's wrong and its now or never.

Harry beat you to speaking first though, he asked you why did you cried and you only told him, "I'm so proud of you and I couldn't stop my tears from flowing and I love you so much.", which is not a lie but not the whole truth either.

He only nodded and kissed your forehead as a way of saying his thanks. You're certain that he can feel that you're tired so he chooses to stay quiet and you know that he's already planning for a day off for the both of you tomorrow so you can properly tell him your thoughts on his album.

You we're about to ask him. Ask him if he still loves her but the tune of his phone ringing made you stop. He silently asked you if it's alright to answer it and you agreed.

The next few minutes was his friends and families calling and congratulating him. You don't wanna be bitter or be a mood disruptor but you just really want to think and be alone right now, after all, you deserved it. You signed Harry that you will go upstairs to take a rest and he whispered "I love you" but you only nodded and started walking to the stairs.

He didn't notice that you didn't say it back. He was too caught up with the people on his screen. His cheerful voice rang throughout the ground floor as he talks to the other person on the other line.

You don't wanna think about it as you lay down on your shared bed but you couldn't stop thinking about how much of a possibility for her to call him to congratulate him for the success of his second album. You couldn't stop thinking of how they might talk about their relationship. You couldn't stop thinking if Harry will ask her to come back if she did call. You couldn't stop thinking.

You took your phone from your beside table to open Twitter. Harry and his album is trending and praises after praises we're posted in different languages but most of those are about them. Harry and her.

You're numb.

It is now clear to you that the whole album is about her. You never asked or wished to have a song written about you but you also never expected him to dedicate the album solely to her, his ex from two years ago. You get it, you really do. The best songs came from the writers' personal experiences but to basically tell the world that he still wants her breaks you into pieces.

There gotta be at least one line about you. You, the one he is with now and not her. You, the one who's loving him now, not her. You, the one who didn't leave him unlike her. It's you and not her.

But no matter how much you repeat it in your mind, you know it's not you. You love Harry and you tried. Tried supporting him through the day much like all the other days but it's so hard when the universe already shot you with the truth.

You're still proud of him, it will never change but you need something. You have to have something to hold on to because right now you're only grasping to this very little hope that might save your relationship. You're proud but hurt and you hate yourself for not being there. None of it is about you. It's about her. Her and him. Her and Harry. Never you and Harry.

He never even warned you that the album is about her, it seems like he wanted to surprise you but you know he's not cruel but maybe you're just trying to defend him from yourself.

Or maybe he didn't thought you'd think this way. After all he doesn't put meanings behind his songs so you couldn't really get any answer from having him explain to you every song.

Your own interpretation's more than enough though. He still wants her. Maybe he did became yours even just for a second but his love for her is eternal and so he slipped away. You couldn't pretend anymore - not now when you're alone and you can show your emotions, so you sobbed.

You cried for you and Harry. You cried for what you thought was something so beautiful and unbreakable. You cried for what would've been a great night for the both of you and last but not the least, you cried for your uncertain tomorrow.

Tomorrow when you wake up, you don't know if Harry still wants you, you don't know if you can fix this, you don't know if you can still be with him.

Now, you realized it. Tomorrow there might be nothing, no world where only the two of you exists because tomorrow might be the end. The thought of that made you cried harder than you already are. It's so unfair. You love him so much but it doesn't seem enough and no matter how many excuses you naïvely say to yourself, you know it couldn't change the fact that it's her and him - it has always been her and him.

You're too tired and just wanted to sleep, hopefully get a clearer view out of all of this when you wake up.

_____

[song-of-asystole]

Crime and Punishment - Soukoku oneshot

Summary:

A demon once whispered to him of crime and punishment. He hadn’t paid it much mind – how trusted can a demon be?

His crime, among others, was betrayal.

The only aspect of the crime he left overlooked turned out to be the most crucial one – the punishment.

And the demon stays amused by the most pathetic Raskolnikov in existence – Dazai Osamu.

or

The author being an absolute nerd for Dostoyevsky and overanalyzing Soukoku’s relationship. Enjoy Dazai’s late-night thoughts!

TW: death, implied suicide

Author’s note:

I’m taking a break from my usual writing (which I’m super insecure about), so I’m writing this little fic because I hope you will be kind to me. Also, I just needed some comfort and BSD is my go-to place for that.

There’s a couple of references scattered across the fic: the obvious one about Dostoyevsky’s Crime and Punishment, as well as The Brother Karamazov and The House of the Dead. Yes, I’m aware I’m a huge nerd.

I actually got really carried away and I wrote 2 more chapters which I’ll post on AO3. Of course, this chapter will be up there too, I’ll put a link down below, so please give feedback. :D

AO3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/30342828

Enjoy!!

A demon once whispered to him of crime and punishment. He hadn’t paid it much mind – how trusted can a demon be?

Dazai Osamu’s crime, among others, was betrayal. He betrayed the miserable life he had led in Port Mafia, the life that had devastated him on the days he remembered he had heart under that cold, colorless ribcage of his. This life, if one may even call it that, deprived Dazai of a childhood, of innocence, of cleanliness: his hands stained crimson red and his thoughts painted pitch black. Would letting go wash away those dark colors, reveal the truth underneath, which was unknown to him? He did not know, but something had to change.

And so he escaped, with the night cradling him and the smoke of a burning car covering his treacherous silhouette. He had fled the winter of his life, days of bloodshed and sin out of sight and out of mind, looking forward to a promisingly bright spring. Betrayal is an ugly thing, but he had never cared much for looks.

The only aspect of his crime he left overlooked turned out to be the most crucial one – the punishment. Never had he dreamed he would feel guilty.

What am I really even guilty of? Wanting to see the light? Wanting to do good for once in this wretched life I lead? The days I spent swimming in the dark waters of despair deserved to see the end. Am I a monster for wanting happiness?

Hard as he tried to reason with his guilty consciousness, it never left him. It just kept gnawing at his thoughts, making him remember what, nay, whom he tried to forget.

The red-haired calamity.

The manipulator of gravity.

To Dazai, the giver of life.

Nakahara Chuuya.

At the time, Dazai could’ve never fathomed the concept of missing the redhead. Sure, Chuuya was important to him – as much as a person who knew everything about you could be. The two knew each other from the tip of the head to the end of the toes.

He could never not be important. Such noise is rarely ignored, Dazai mused jokingly.

Chuuya was what brought him life. The constant cheating, stealing and killing tramples the soul until you cannot make anything of what’s left. It’s what makes Dazai long for death – he’s seen the depths of this cursed city that squeezed his heart to the point he wanted to throw it away. However, Chuuya – just saying his name made Dazai feel warm – he saw it too. He felt it the same way Dazai did. He might act harsh with all his stomping, yelling, and destroying, but underneath all that is a gentle, nurturing nature that he hides. It’s a detriment in his line of work. Having someone understand meant a lot to Dazai. Maybe their partnership was even built on this silent understanding, among other things.

However, Chuuya was not nice. Don’t ever mistake Chuuya’s sensitivity with kindness. Sugar and spice was not to be in the same sentence as his name. He has always been… rough. Sometimes it served as a wake-up call to Dazai. It helped put things into perspective, but it also helped put things into bad perspective. Not a single morning did these two share without a fight – verbal or physical. Dazai didn’t mind it much at first. After all, teasing Chuuya did work like a drug for him. With time, however, the blade of their words never became dull. It only sharpened. Words like poison flung around the apartment, sentences like spider-webs sitting in hidden corners of the bedroom. Love – they never dared call it that, but, oh, what a burning love it was – love, the most sacred of all emotions, was a chore until it became a war. Eventually, Dazai couldn’t find his peace even in the arms of a lover.

So, his craftiness started turning wheels again and – he escaped. Not a word in the evening, not a trace in the morning, only confusion and hurt spelled over Chuuya’s heart.

Dazai knew it was cruel. He never felt right about it. He loved Chuuya, after all, so the best thing to do, he concluded, was to forget.

The demon laughs. Punishment has been passed.

Presently, Dazai Osamu spends his night awake, staring at the dirty ceiling of his room, as the most pitiful of the world’s Raskolnikovs.

Why can’t he seem to forget a man he once loved, a man he soon grew to hate, a man he betrayed in order to find happiness? What twisted force of nature is dragging his thoughts back to the time he was at his lowest? Why is it that now, when all hope of reunion between the lovers is lost, he finds himself longing for the infamous Port Mafia executive Nakahara Chuuya? Why did the ashes find their way back into a flame after he committed the worst of all sins – betrayal of trust and love?

The demon chuckles once again and in a sing-songy voice he says, I told you, Dazai-kun. To love thy neighbor is impossible. The man himself is the ugliest of all God’s creations – how could anyone love such a creature up close? Even the Father won’t cast a glance at him. It takes distance, Dazai-kun, and you’re not exempt from this rule of human nature.

It is irksome, yes, how right the demon seems to be. It is certainly irksome, Dazai feels, as the demon’s words carve into the left chamber of his stone cold heart. What even was it that made Dazai hate Chuuya? Hate Chuuya… it used to seem so impossible and yet, along with Odasaku’s death, it drove him to plan and execute a high-scale betrayal of the entire Port Mafia.

It would take years before Dazai could understand the intricacies of his past with Chuuya at Port Mafia. What mattered now – truly, the only real thing in this world – was the fact that he actually loved Nakahara Chuuya.

Oh. There. He thought of it. For some reason, he didn’t want to think of anything else but that. It wasn’t scary, as he thought it’d be, all those years ago. He finally broke the lock in his lungs and there it was: all that air he never let himself breathe. What was it about that mere word that made two Port Mafia executives shy around it, avoid it like the authorities, dance around it as if it was bonfire in the festival night? Why had they never let the simple four-letter word into their little sanctuary when it so obviously belonged with them? The fear he once felt seemed foolish to him now.

I guess we do learn as long as we live, he whispers in the dark room to no one in particular.

He felt a rush trying to sweep him up, make him stand. However, where would he go? To Chuuya? As if. He hurt Chuuya in unspeakable ways even during the time they spent together. He has no right to show up at his doorstep or in his life. Ever again.

Even if he did, how would that end? They squeezed each other’s hearts dry and called it love. Every day felt like torture, but they swore it was sweet. Why, why, why did they cause so much pain? Was it truly the only method to make them feel alive in the house of the dead? Did the right answer slip between their fingers at some point?

The question Dazai had been stuck on was, Is there any way he could forgive me? If, once in the future, I looked him in the eye and told him the truth – would there be salvation pouring from his lips? Or would he rightfully convict me for my crime?

Thus, Dazai fell into slumber, like every other evening for the past four years. The bed will never feel comfortable to him because it always seems to be missing something, but Dazai will keep denying it. His little room doesn’t even look like a home, but Dazai will tell you that he just can’t be bothered to unpack and decorate. His heart, cold like a Russian blizzard, has not known warmth in a while, but he will tell you it’s incapable to do so.

Those are the only three lies Dazai Osamu tells people and himself – until the night comes again and unlocks a little door in his brain.

[mariaiscrafting]

This is kind of fruitlessly negative, so I get it if you don’t want to publish it. But I feel like some of the major dnf shipper blogs, specifically the ones that specialize in ‘analyzing’ Dream and George, need to take a large step back lol and reevaluate what they’re doing. I find it incredibly hypocritical when they claim unbiased and respectful behavior when they spend all their time piecing Dream and George’s relationship together like a puzzle that they don’t even have half the pieces to

Okay, so now we’re getting more into the territory of vaguely referencing people, and yet lacking specifity necessary in this discussion, so I’m not sure how much I want to engage with this ask. I’d like to criticize specific instances of fans crossing lines they shouldn’t. The reason I made the original post was in response specifically to the several seconds-long video and the many people overanalyzing it. I don’t want to condemn dnf shippers as a whole without pointing to specific behavior because it’s way too much like what antis will do in overgeneralizing mcyt stans and even creating false allegations about things they purprotedly did, derived from general statements and assumptions.

All I’ll say is that yes, every single person who owns a blog dedicated to dnf or who even posts/reblogs dnf analyses - myself included - need to think carefully whenever we’re posting. We don’t have an excuse for condemnable behavior. After so many years of Internet culture existing, we know about what kinds of toxic stan behaviors to avoid. We have examples of fans invading Youtubers’ and streamers’ privacies. We have examples of instances in which CCs felt shippers went too far and essentially ruined their real life relationships with the people they were shipped with. We need to learn from that past and exhibit genuine empathy for CCs we ship now, in 2021, within the MCYT fandom. I had this moment of self-reflection back in 2016, when I was in the Phandom and several things came to light that made me realize that I was one of those toxic people reblogging posts overanalyzing eye contact and hand brushes. I hope that y’all who do these same things nowadays can pause for just a second before posting and think, would you be comfortable with someone doing this to you? Would you be comfortable with someone writing this kinda thing about your siblings, cousins, closest friends? George and Dream explicitly stated they are okay with shipping, yes, but just consider actually being a decent human and not completely abusing of that boundary.

[yourgeminiprince]

Graduation... Now What?

Before we begin, quick background:

I've been in post-secondary education for almost 8 years now. In the time I've completed 3 programs and about to complete my degree as my fourth. Now what? 

Let the thoughts begin:

In a short couple months, I will be graduating and not be going back to school, anymore. While formal education has been fun I want to begin the new chapter of my life. So I decided I've learned enough about the world through college and university. 

To be honest with you all I was super excited, over the top to be finally done with school! But now... It's almost here and I'm kind of freaking out! Okay line up a job, get the job, work, go on vacations with your vacay days, find someone you want to spend the rest of your life with, get married, have a couple kids, make sure you take care of them, get promotions, reach the top of the ladder and then... you know, do the life thing? I guess... 

See it seems so simple but my brain never likes to just shut up so instead of making it simple... Let's make it more complicated Dhan!

Questions my brain started making me ponder... 

Won't you want to make a decent income after going to school for so long? You have to maximize income. 

What if no one hires you?

What if you take a job and you hate it every single second of your being? 

Don't you have to make a new resume for every job you apply?

Cover letters? 

How many people are you competing with for that job?

Couldn't you have just been a doctor if you were going to be in school this long anyway?

Aren't you going to pick a job that you're passionate about?

I think you guys get the jiff of it... 

I love my brain, really do! Got me through a lot of educational programs but holy does it ever make me overthink every single aspect of my life. I'll be honest with you, I am a little scared of the future. I don't know what it holds, or where it leads. 

But...

Yes, I'm freaking the f*** out... but as much as my brain puts me into these situations of overanalyzing and thinking it also keeps making me think until I figure some of it out. At least I have to or I'm never going to sleep on time/properly. 

So since I've been freaking over this stuff for months, it's also been on my mind for months. Every day I come closer to a conclusion that'll solve my self-induced anxiety. So here are some of my solutions: 

Solutions: 

I have been in school for a long time, yes, but I have learned not just what my programs taught me... But I have also learned a lot about myself. Let's make it simple:

I have been part of teams and always try to lead. I got leadership skills! Hahaha! But no for real, I'm the type of person that'll take on a whole project myself if no one else wants to but I'll also delegate responsibility (Even knowing I'll probably be doing most of it myself... I remember my 40-page marketing research paper that only 1 person in our 5 man group submitted anything more than a copy paste from Wikipedia the night before it was due.) I wrote 39 pages of that 40-page report in a night... We got 70% which was like 40% of our grade... I'll never forget that night since then I've just always assumed I'm doing everything. As great of a leader as I am, I've also learned there are others that can lead to, and as much as you may want to be the one running things, sometimes it's okay to let them lead as well. There are responsible people out there and I have had a great group I could rely on. Everyone in this union study group was on top of their s*** to put it frankly. I wasn't leading it but did it feel good to be putting our entire project together with a group that wanted that end goal as bad as I did.

How is that a solution Dhan? wtf are you talking about? Let me explain...

Whatever a job may want they also what certain skills that would fit their company. I'm great with working with a team, I'm not saying that to toot my own horn... much... but when you're looking through jobs and they say 'needs to have leadership skills as you will be managing your own team and projects'. I got that. I would be a great addition to that company. 

Now yes, there's always more but this is how I calmed my brain down. I focused on what I've done and how I can apply that to the real world in these jobs.

Another quick example:

The first day of school, I'm talking to everyone. I have no issues with approaching random strangers and becoming friends by the end of our conversation. There are people that can never do that... I have undying confidence. I have social skills of a public speaker and the friendliness of a puppy. 

Now let me link these 2 examples together: Teamwork.

Huh? Dhan... what the frack are you talking about? 

You know how people say you should find a job you're passionate about? (The first question my brain brought up) I always had a hard time figuring what I was passionate about... I like a lot of stuff but not always one more than the other. I've worked real estate on the side and I love it because I get to meet new people every day and interact and learn about them. There was always a hint of something I felt like that was missing from it.

When I went to university I ended up being elected to a cabinet. I didn't know anyone and I was a little older than everyone around me so "OMG Brittney we're going to get so smashed tonight" wasn't really what kind of vibe I wanted to be around...  

Side note: When I say vibe I mean the kind of people I wanted to be surrounded with. I didn't feel like carrying Brittney and her friend home as they throw up everywhere. I was way over that phase. Back to the post:

When I joined this team of passionate individuals that were running around getting events done, filling in shifts for one another, solving issues. I got to be part of all of that and I loved it. I got to also be part of Senate and discuss and learn such important things. At the end of it all, we all came together to discuss what was happening and what everyone needed to know. We'd discuss important topics about what was happening in the school and voted on what to do next. Also made a lot of good friends in that way too, which I wouldn't have met if I never was on the committee with them. 

What I realized is, I want to be part of a team more than anything. My passion is tackling a project, or a committee and come out on top (I'm competitive as f*** xD). That rush of getting everything done before the deadline, coordinating parties to have everything supplied, reading 80 pages before heading into a committee in a few days and discussing/debating on one side. That was something I enjoyed and loved and didn't mind spending all day trying to figure things out. 

Now passion about a certain subject may not be foretold to my brain yet, but I know which direction to head. For me, that was enough to let me get sleep. I'm great at figuring s*** out after stressing about it for a bit. Problem-solving skills ;) haha!

For you:

You all have a lot of skills that you don't even realize or take for granted. When you're going to work for someone those are going to come more in handy than that essay you wrote for that history elective you took. If you know how to figure shit out on your own and not be a s***ty person you'll be miles ahead of a lot of people. You have to know you have walked into classes not knowing a single thing about it and passing well at the end of it. You can tackle anything loves! :) 

Now What?

Now, I'm applying for jobs, looking up resumé references for that certain field and adapting them to my own taste. I'm calling up places trying to figure out who to make the cover letter to instead of 'To whom it may concern'. But sometimes... no luck and end up using it cause I gotta move onto the next application. 

Starting to go to interviews and making it more of an 80/20 interview. I let them ask whatever questions they like and ask my own if it relates to their previous question or bombarding them with all of mine at the end. 

Now, I'm searching for a job that'll let me get that team aspect even if it's once in a while. That's what I want and just like through school, I hope I find that certain subject I'm passionate about. Until then, I'll be happy to go find a company and give 120% of Dhan-ness! I want to go in and work hard to open more doors for myself and also... start paying off those pesky student loans hahaha. But like I always say, to figure out who you are you have to experience as much as you can that peaks your interest. Even if it's volunteering or having to work for free from 6-10pm. 

Also instead of focusing on a million things that your mind keeps pondering, just make goals that you want to reach. It's hard for it to ponder when you're feeling good about reaching a goal :D!

Such as:

Pay off student loans

Get your bench press over 135 already (My chest has always been my weakest :$)

Try to move up a position in the company you work for every year or 2. 

Find love (She's out there right? :p) 

 Spend more time with the family 

Learn more tutting and more cheoro, in general, to add to your dance arsenal 

Train to run a half marathon

Write more (Hence this blog)

Read more

Finish up school (duh, but I just wanted to reach 10 already) 

So when I finish school, that's one goal reached. Makes me feel good! Next would be finding that job with the aspect of teamwork then having that to pay off the student loans. Getting the bench up is my personal goal and running cause I'm reading Born to Run: A Hidden Tribe, Superathletes and the greatest race the world has never seen By Christopher Mcdougall (NOT A SPONSOR OR AD! Just reading it!) and it's got me wanting to run and helping me reach that goal of training to run half a marathon. 

IN CONCLUSION:

My mind wonders... and ponders... More than I'd like but instead of letting it make me feel overwhelmed I'm just taking it one step at a time, reminding myself I know what I want and I have the skills all ready to take on any task that may come at me. The goals help tremendously with keeping my brain from pondering dooming questions cause it's like B**** WE WORKING TOWARD IT SO SHUT UP :)!  And I'm starting to get my sleep again on time... kinda... if I'm not binging Netflix at night... (Don't start a new show before bedtime... remember this advice!)

BYE :)