#did he only find me interesting or attractive bc im trans?

[boyentity]

talked to a guy like all night last night and i went on snap to message him again and he fucking blocked me and i really dont know why like?? we were getting along so well i thought..

[scarrletmoon]

"the beauty of queer people is how often we can't be easily defined" - tag on a post ab trans men

to clarify first, i do not want to come off as confrontational, i'm just curious and idk if you have any interest in discussing this bc i dont know you but

i'm bi, a lot of my favorite people are gay or trans, and that comes off as a really weird statement? it's *the* beauty of, exclusively. what about when it's perfectly easy to define? a man saying, i exclusively like other men, for example?

why, and again i say this purely from a position of trying to get it, is being particularly undefinable an achievement? does confusing people help with something? is it more important in general for advocacy than ppl being simply gay? i'm kinda new to everything lgbtq+ online and trying to figure everything out

god sorry this is long but thanks for coming to this with an open mind

i said "often" and not "always" specifically because you're right. sometimes someone finds a label or identity that fits them, and is perfectly simple. that's fine!

i'd push back on "perfectly easy to define" though, bc that's often where i think people miss one of the most interesting parts of the queer community, which is how we challenge existing social "rules" by just existing. like, a lesbian is a woman attracted only to women, right? but feminists used to say that lesbians aren't women, bc you have to be attracted to men to be a woman. so are lesbians women? or a third gender? and who gets to define that (i'd argue, not homophobic feminists)?

you don't HAVE to know the nuances to identity as whatever makes sense for you, but what i'm talking about here is like, reading a book in high school vs specializing in a literary topic in graduate school. do you need a master's degree in Romantic Literature to understand Frankenstein? of course not. but it sure helps you dig out the nuances that weren't obvious to you until you learned more.

i also didn't say being undefinable is an achievement either, just an aspect of of queerness. any of our identities can be confusing -- me being a bi nb person who often presents femme but uses he/him pronouns confuses the shit out of some people, but not others. and who are my labels confusing to? the labels i use aren't always for other people to understand. they're how i communicate with other queer people. but they're mostly how i understand myself. cishet people don't have to understand me to respect me. my labels aren't for them. they're for me.

when i personally talk about "confusing" or "weird" labels, i'm assuming an audience of other like-minded queer people who're familiar with things like he/him lesbians and trans men who aren't men and people with neogenders. i didn't come out of the gate knowing any of this stuff. i learned about it by seeing weird stuff and thinking "i don't get it, but it's not my job to GET it and i can still respect this person even if i don't understand their identity". and eventually, it clicked. like, it took me years to understand neogenders. and once i did, it was fucking awesome! it's a way of looking at and playing with gender that made ME more free to mess around with gender and figure out how i feel

not everyone has to do this! if saying "im bi" works for you, fuckin cool! if saying "i'm a non-binary trans woman who uses cat/catself pronouns" that's awesome!

i guess what i'm trying to say is that queer identity isn't ALWAYS straightforward and i think we could learn a lot from each other by being open to weirdness. and like i said, you don't have to do any of that shit at all. most queer people aren't this deep into queer studies and they don't need to be in order to still be queer. i just think it's neat™️

[anarchomuffin]

I posted 1,863 times in 2022

That's 1,863 more posts than 2021!

304 posts created (16%)

1,559 posts reblogged (84%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@lord-kaira

@castielsupernatural

@youre-only-gay-once

@beachboysnatural

@pussypopstiel

I tagged 1,072 of my posts in 2022

Only 42% of my posts had no tags

#spn - 240 posts

#reblog - 234 posts

#supernatural - 193 posts

#owl with a shotgun - 125 posts

#dean winchester - 89 posts

#sam winchester - 39 posts

#castiel - 22 posts

#asks!! - 22 posts

#hbo spn - 16 posts

#sam winchester speech bubble - 15 posts

Longest Tag: 122 characters

#beyond that its your rich friends dad who you meet twice but gives you turkish delights and tells you your hair looks nice

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

what about trans Steve?

hi so i already talked about why i think steve is trans but here's how i think he would come out to everyone (yes ik its "unrealistic" but all his friends are queer too it's fine)

robin: i think robin just kind of realized on her own. either that or she realized right after she came out to steve (i think that he would've had some kind of fear she would be attracted to him if she knew, that she would see him as a girl. he would've either told her or she would've had a sort of 'oh.' moment.)

dustin: dustin DEFINITELY hung out at steve's house idc about canon, he probably heard steve's parents talking about him using she/her pronouns and asked steve about it. steve would be scared but since thats his k i d he'd tell dustin.

el: ok hear me out. mind reading. el doesn't really understand transphobia since she grew up in a science cult so she just asks him, completely innocently, when he realized he was a boy. steve would absolutely bluescreen and it would be so funny

max: she was there when el asked

nancy: she and steve canonically had sex i think she'd notice

will: steve hasnt really interacted with will but he probably found out through dustin

i don't think that he would be okay telling anyone else (nancy wouldn't tell mike, eleven might but if she knew how important it was to steve she wouldn't.)

119 notes - Posted June 30, 2022

#4

PLEASE talk about trans steve <3 if you'd like to

i would LOVE to talk about trans steve harrington.

ok so like his canon implied neglectful/absent parents is SO interesting viewing him as a trans man. bc like they were probably the same way before he would've come out, but once he realized he was trans he totally wouldve told himself they were absent because he did something wrong by being trans! it's so important to his character that hes insecure abt his masculinity!! (this is another thing that makes more sense with him as a trans man, similarly to dean winchester. a character that he's really similar to.)

i can totally see him being born in another town, coming out at a pretty young age, and finding ways to pass until bullying got so bad that his parents moved to hawkins. and his parents would still tell people he was a girl, until he looked so much like a cis man and would get so upset about being called female that his parents finally relented. and like?? imagining him changing in locker rooms apart from the other guys (he would've convinced the school that he was a cis man so he could) not just because he's King Steve but also because if any of the other guys found out he'd be dead.

his relationship with nancy is even more important with this lens, because no matter her reputation as a "pretty" girl, she was still mike wheeler's older sister. she was still enough of an outsider that if she knew, no one would believe her.

tldr; steve 'the hair' harrington is transmasc and it's pretty much canon.

142 notes - Posted June 30, 2022

#3

the reason im so attached to the first few seasons of supernatural is because there's something so inherently american gothic about them. like, yes, thats present later on but something about seasons one through five just satisfies this love for american folklore i have

like, especially episodes like 1x11 and 2x08 are just so beautifully, hauntingly American that you can't look away. it's the acknowledgement that there's something there in back roads and old abandoned orchards, it's the collective idea that if you start looking behind you, you'll never stop. and the cinematography only adds to it, the grainy found-footage-esque aesthetic thats especially present in season one. it's in the way that the hotels sam and dean frequent are all the same but with slightly different details, the way all the people interviewed can only come up with halfway-there explainations of what happened.

216 notes - Posted January 5, 2022

#2

will byers went missing four days after mary winchesters death

574 notes - Posted July 24, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

literally all ash did was be gay, do internet crimes, have a sick ass mullet and get kicked out of mit for fighting. and they fucking killed him.

1,051 notes - Posted March 11, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

[tendercoretroglodyke]

... I’m interested in legitimately gay Reese (I assume one piece of evidence is “look at what they’re doing and tell me you’re not gay”)

okay this is like 2 days late but this is why reese malcolminthemiddle is legitimately gay:

(side note: did anyone need a queer media thesis paper or something... I am willing to share lmao)

so none of this is like... rock solid evidence or anything but I need to believe at least one main character of a show is gay and/or trans to maintain interest and reese is the most plausible gay character. also it’s early 2000′s so he just gets a lot of vaguely homophobic jokes lmao

first of all, yes, the biggest piece of evidence he’s gay is those lines from that episode I quoted the other day--thinking malcolm is gay, he tries to show his support by giving him a gay porno: “’Naught Pool Boys 3!’ I watched 10 or 12 of these, and this one seems to have the most stuff you guys like.” and when malcolm says he isn’t gay, reese responds “Malcolm. Check out what those guys are doing in that movie, and THEN tell me you’re not gay.”-- so, 1) reese sat down and watched like a dozen gay porn movies to ““find a good one for his gay brother”” and 2) he thinks malcolm would reconsider his heterosexuality if he watched what was in that movie, implying that HE reconsidered his sexuality after watching that movie, or at the very least found it hot

in the same episode, the character tricking malcolm into thinking reese is gay lists the following as evidence: he obsesses over his hair and his looks, loves his gourmet cooking, has a bunch of magazines covered in comically muscular men, and that he’s angry and acts like a jerk because he’s “dealing with something weird and confusing.” now obviously, the obsession with hair/looks can be chalked up to the fact that he’s a teenage boy, and there’s nothing inherently gay about enjoying cooking. the dozen magazines of muscle-bound men could certainly be taken as gay evidence, though, and it IS established in the show that his entire bully persona is his way of masking his inner feelings and insecurities. there’s literally a whole episode where he & malcolm realize they have no friends because they act like little shits to push people away because they’re afraid of rejection and/or abandonment from their peers. they ostracize themselves before they can be ostracized by the other students at school. I could probably write a whole other essay on reese’s psyche tbqh lmao there’s a shocking amount there!!

of the brothers who are actually old enough to be attracted to girls (reese, malcolm, and francis), he shows the least interest. now bear with me here. you might be thinking, “well, yeah, it’s malcolm’s show, we’re not gonna see things from other people’s perspective!” but that is actually surprisingly untrue, the show is very much equally shown from each family members’ perspectives. starting about s2, when malcolm is in early middle school, he starts getting crushes on girls and pursuing them. francis goes after a few women in the first couple seasons and then marries a woman we see a lot throughout the show. 

in the roughly... 130?? episodes I have watched so far, nearly all of reese’s “interest” in girls involve either: competition with malcolm, genuinely just liking her as a friend, or some completely ulterior motive. the only exception to this I can think of is in the early seasons where he has a crush on a cheerleader and tries to get on her good side by joining the cheerleading squad, which the writers clearly set up as a way to make gay jokes about reese. let me give you a few examples of his relationships with girls

the first relationship we see him in is with a “stupid girl” that malcolm tried (and failed) to date, and the main reason they get together is that they think on the same wavelength and genuinely seem to enjoy hanging out. they take breaks from their bro chats to make out every once in a while. eventually he gets her to break up with him because he doesn’t want to go to the school dance with her (he doesn’t want to go at all). years later, he’s dating some girl we meet for like 5 minutes, before he goes to confess to her that she’s the first girl he’s ever loved. she then breaks up with him. he’s sad, but taking it fairly well. he’s about to leave when he sees malcolm hiding under the bed, and learns that he stole his girlfriend. he then runs away to join the army. he was clearly MUCH more upset that his brother stole his girlfriend than he was that his girlfriend broke up with him. there are many more instances of him and malcolm competing for a girl’s affections, and he seems mostly motivated by the competition itself.

in addition to “stupid girl,” he also manufactures an “attraction” to his female army buddy in the last season. the premise of this episode is that his old army buddy (a girl he play-wrestles with and insults like he would his own brothers) comes to visit him, and malcolm convinces reese that she’s attracted to him, and that reese’s nervousness at learning that fact is proof he’s in love with her. there’s a misunderstanding where reese asks her if she has certain “feelings” and she says she does, but what she ACTUALLY means is that she has a crush on reese’s MOM. she’s a lesbian. reese later propositions her (saying he’s saved his virginity for this--he’s probably about 18 here), and when she says omg no im gay, he is HUGELY relieved they can go back to being friends. CLASSIC mlm/wlw friendship moment. 

there’s an episode where these cute girls pick up reese (& nerds) to kiss in front of their boyfriends to make them jealous. reese is all for it, and when malcolm argues that it’s not worth his dignity and the beating he’ll get from the girl’s boyfriend, reese counters that that’s WHY he wants to do this--he’s completely invisible at school, and thinks getting beaten up for kissing some guy’s girlfriend will at least make him known around school. at no point does he indicate he’s actually attracted to this girl, and when it comes time to kiss her, he finds the weakest excuse to run away at the last minute. 

im not gonna list all of these but there’s more lmao

the following is a random assortment of one-off gay jokes and out-of-context lines with gay reese implications, often homophobically bc its early 2000′s writing:

says “I’m gay” to a girl to give malcolm a better shot at her

(again in competition with malcolm) tries to flirt with a girl by spraying milk in her face as the punchline to a joke, which is. well. hm. self-sabotaging, to say the least!!

Reese: “Do you think it’s right to totally change who you are and turn your back on EVERYTHING you believe in, just to impress a hot guy??” [his dad gives a long, blank stare, before asking:] “...Burt Reynolds hot, or Sting hot?”

“YEAH I like clouds! I call them sky kittens :)” (I just think that one’s sweet!)

“Look, Christie, here’s the thing. When I first met you, I was just messing around. But we’ve gotten so close that, now... I really like you! I can’t keep this up anymore. I’m not the person you think I am. I’ve been pretending since the day I met you. It’s so hard having to constantly cover my tracks to keep my story straight... and I don’t WANT to anymore! I’m tired of living this lie! I’m done with it. I’m sorry.”

he catfishes some guy to blackmail him, but is implied to continue the flirtation even after the catfishing/blackmail is revealed

reese is, technically, married to a man. this particular plot point is played as a joke and manages to be both racist and homophobic, so I won’t go into it. but I believe he is still married to that man. technically.

reese takes care of a huge box full of caterpillars until they pupate and become beautiful butterflies. I feel like there’s some kind of gay coming out metaphor here somewhere.

I think there are a couple other times where he comments on a guy’s attractiveness but I couldn’t find specific instances.

In conclusion: Reese is a deeply repressed gay kid who was socialized SO thoroughly as an early 2000′s straight boy that, despite his attraction for men and his obvious compulsory heterosexuality, he still cannot admit to himself that he is gay even as he enters adulthood. Furthermore, his subconscious frustration about this fact is turned outward to form the “schoolyard bully” costume he uses to mask his insecurities and keep others from getting too close to him. 

Thank you for coming to my Ted Talk. I could be convinced to come back for another talk about how Dewey is trans or about how each and every member of that family is neurodivergent in entirely different ways. Assuming anyone has read this far in the first place!!

[gettin-bi-bi-bi]

Maybe not the right account to ask, but how can I tell the difference between just being attracted to men and that playing into gay relationships or wanting to be a man? I know it’s common for straight girls to get turned on/find male couples attractive(I mean this as respectfully as I can), but I also know being drawn towards gay relationships could indicate that I’m a gay man? I’m just really confused about that and I can’t tell what I’m feeling

hi nonnie. i know ive definitely talked about the latter case (my interest in mlm playing a role in ultimately understanding my identity as a trans mlm) so i feel like i definitely need to clarify. That isnt the only reason i began to question my gender. i had a LOT of other things going on and throughout my life i noticed many different moments & preferences that, altogether, i see as being a part of my gender dysphoria that i didnt understand at the time. these things include:

hating girly things as a kid, being the stereotypical "tomboy"

when i was rly little i was obsessed with being able to "pee like a boy" even after i understood the "difference" (aka genitals) i still was like. Obsessed with the thought of it like "what if I could.....Pee Like A Boy....what....might that mean......"

i loved writing & i never wrote from the pov of a girl it was almost always a guy. i was all "im not like other girls i dont understand ~them~" which alone is just like internalized misogyny but. even after understanding that i didnt Like writing from the pov of a girl or "playing" girl characters or anything.....i realize now this dislike was bc i felt like i was always "playing" a girl & i wanted to escape that.

I not only hated my name (my birth name was a very feminine name) but always kept trying to find nicknames or change my name to something gender neutral or masculine. I got in trouble in 6th grade where my teachers called a parent teacher conference to tell my parents that i needed to stop turning in all my schoolwork with the names of male celebrities that i liked at the time.

Related to previous bullet point - my friends and i would "role play" a lot together where we just thought of a story & characters & then just improved it out as those characters & to hear them refer to me as a guys name with he/him pronouns was like......i could NOT get enough. In english classes when we acted out plays i always begged for a guys role. in high school i even wrote a journal for a time from my teenage Malesona(TM)

when i did go hyperfeminine & wore dresses & always did my hair & make up etc. it was fun for a time & then it got very old. It didnt feel like me, it felt like a fake person. people have told me after coming out that they thought i was like fake/insincere. I was also extremely depressed at this time so i figured it was the depression at the time but like now i see that actually probably a large part of my depression was bc i was forcing myself to be a girl.

and while these are just my hyperspecific examples from my personal transition, i hope that it shows that there were a lot of other "signs" that i didnt understand at the time even if they seem really obvious now. i questioned my gender since puberty hit, i started binding my chest around 10th/11th grade, etc. all of this PLUS the way i interacted with m/m slash fandom was how i came to my identity.

so i think to answer ur question nonnie - do you just like reading m/m fic bc those r characters u like and u find them hot, or like watching gay porn vids bc dudes r hot & women in porn can sometimes be iffy (w the Male Gaze & all) so its harder to find stuff u like w f/m & f/f vids, & just generally stuff along these lines but nothing to do w how u personally view ur own gender or how u want to be perceived by others? Then youre probably a girl who is attracted to guys (and/or other genders since u didnt specify!)

OR......

are you questioning your gender in other ways, does it make you uncomfortable to be seen as a woman, do you not like to think of yourself as being a woman, do other people seeing you & interacting with you as a guy or another gender make you happier than as a girl, or any other similar experiences where you feel your actual gender is not the same as the one you were "assigned" from birth? if thats accurate, maybe looking into some transgender resources might be helpful.

I hope this helps you nonnie, please feel free to message me on my main @warrenkoles as well if you have any more specific questions or just want to talk a bit about what its like being trans. :)

Wes

[karak9]

Another stupid long post about how I don't know my own fucking gender

This is honestly just copied and pasted from a yt comment I made on an older vid and I figured I'd share it here bc tumblr loves this shit I guess lol. God damn I've been questioning my gender for so long and ik rn im prob not still in the best position to be thinking about deep life shit like where I am mentally and im dealing with a lot in my life and also very insecure about potentially being trans bc a lot of my friends don't seem like they would be very accepting and my bf is only really into girls. I asked him how he would feel if I was nonbinary or looked like a boy and he just said he wasn't totally sure but he's only attracted to girls :c he's the sweetest bf in existence and im honestly so afraid of losing him, so aside from obviously not wanting to deal with all the other trans shit, I definitely hope im not trans bc I don't wanna lose him. Anyways, ill start with my childhood I guess. I was always super tomboyish. My older sisters (im the youngest sibling btw) were always p tomboyish so maybe I kinda got it from them but I kinda felt like I was more tomboyish than them? I felt like I was the most boyish girl I knew, like even meeting other tomboy girls in elementary school I felt like I couldn't really relate to them or like they couldnt relate to me enough idk. I also remember once making up a song about being like so tomboyish that I was basically a boy or something along those lines and sang it to my best friend at the time who I copied like all the fkin time (it honestly wasnt healthy lmao I didn't have good parents, also I think I started making up songs bc she did that and I wanted to like impress her), but she thought it was stupid and weird so I just forgot about it and moved on. I was embarrassed to even enjoy playing with dolls or play dress up games online and was determined to play masculine games like runescape (even tho I ended up doing girly shit in runescape anyways lmao) and considered myself one of the guys. In 5th grade when I started needing to wear a bra I absolutely didn't want to, tho some girls in my class thought it was weird I didn't wear a bra when they found out and that made me more insecure about it, but since then I've p much only worn sports bras. I have bought some more normal bras bc I wanted to look attractive in them for my SO or whatever but I still highly prefer my sports bras and can't stand wearing the other ones unless I have to bc my sports bras aren't clean lmfao. I always hated talking about genitalia and breasts n shit but that could just be bc of how I was raised and how my family was always so strict and such radical Christians and anything sex related was a sin, idk if its dysphoria or not. I've never rlly liked my chest and hated showing cleavage like so god damn much and still do but maybe that's the same thing or maybe I just want smaller boobs and that's it idk??? Like I'd want to appear to have a completely flat chest at least, idk if I'd want to actually like have a guy chest or not? Also huge issue with ppl seeing me naked or touching my boobs but again idk if that's gender related or just a normal issue I have. Tho I had a friend in high school (a girl, a very weird lewd girl) who would occasionally grope my chest randomly and it wasn't a huge issue but kinda made me uncomfortable and more aware of my chest. I really like when I wear big hoodies or when I lean over so my shirt kinda poofs out and it looks like I have a flat chest underneath. Though im not super uncomfortable with my boobs, like normally ill want nothing to do with them but I don't mind my SO touching them especially if they're really into it. I wouldn't say im rlly dysphoric about between my legs either, like yeah I think its weird and I hate monthlies and stuff but I think that's normal. I think if i woke up one day and had a dick I would be fine with it, I'd prob even enjoy it tbh lmao. I once had a dream that i was, well, a male dog like,,, ya know, with a female dog, and not to sound weird af (hey we were both dogs ok) but I think i kinda enjoyed it? I don't really remember any other dreams where I remember actually having a dick or feeling it but I've had several dreams as a male person, but p much all of them were like, I was seeing through a character's eyes or smth, not really that I was a guy, so idk if that's normal. I have the same dreams about being other girl characters, I'd say its split about 50/50. Because of this game community im in, a lot of ppl assume im a guy, and a lot of people still think im a guy and I haven't really bothered to correct them but idk if I find it more enjoyable bc its funny or if I enjoy not being referred to as female for once. I'll admit I feel most comfortable referred to as they/them, like without a doubt, if I could go by only 1 set of pronouns for the rest of my life it would be they/them. But ik that's not enough to call myself trans. I definitely wouldn't want to be 100% male. Like if I imagine myself as a grown man vs a grown woman id prob choose to be a woman. I don't like my voice but I think that's mostly just bc I sound 10 years younger than I actually am, and wouldn't really want a deep/masculine voice. Like a "tomboy" voice would be fine if that makes sense? I don't want facial hair or want to have a masculine body, I like that I have curves and soft skin and small hands. Personally I like my hair long bc its soft and people love it, but sometimes I kinda wish I had short hair and could pass as a boy. Like I'd wanna be a typical cute kpop boy ngl lmfao. I like the whole cute androgynous/feminine boy look and wish I could pull it off. Tho I also like really girly things sometimes and am okay being seen as a girl, i just want to be cute and attractive. Ik whether im trans or not I like being a mix of feminine and masculine, tho I admit in the past I've been kinda insecure bc I used to be super sure I was nb and thought me liking girly things and wanting to still havd long hair and wear girly clothes made me seem like "not trans enough" or whatever. But i guess here I am questioning myself again anyways. If I am nb, it sucks that ill never really be able to be openly myself and all but I've accepted by now that I kinda have to pick a binary and choose what I want to be seen as for the rest of my life, and im ok with being female. There are some things I dont like about my body whether they're really gender related or not but I can't afford to transition and wouldn't like most of the effects of T and am afraid of surgery and not sure I want top surgery enough to ever get it anyways, but I think if we lived in a perfect world and I could magically change my body at will and I wasnt afraid of judgment or being unattractive or whatever, I'd probably want to look androgynous and itd be cool to be able to change my genitalia at will lmao. If I had to choose 1 genitalia over the over I honestly have no idea what I'd choose but I have no desire to ever get bottom surgery, at the same time tho I honestly wanna someday get surgery or w/e to never be able to get pregnant. I just could not handle pregnancy or giving birth and I don't even like babies and breast feeding sounds awful so if I ever have kids they will be adopted 100% and most likely be older and like not newborn babies lmfao, babies are honestly so weird to me and they stink and cry and they're so fragile and im so afraid of like dropping them when I hold them lmao. But I like my nieces and nephews and I like being the cool aunt (is there a gender neutral version of aunt/uncle?) who lets them use my art supplies and helps them do fun stuff even if I get tired of them sometimes lol. Idk if that's gender related either but yeah I guess. This if kind of a more recent thing but I often say I'd make a great bf kinda as a joke bc of how I am in relationships like being the stereotypical sweet bf type who makes things for their partner a lot and wants to be their knight in shining armor and their protector and all that, but again prob not rlly trans related lmao just thought I'd throw that out there I guess. So when I was 17 was when I really started getting into trans stuff, prior to that I mostly just learned from my parents that trans ppl were "against god" and all that bs, and eventually started realizing lgbt+ isn't as bad as my family said and later realized I was bi. But anyways I met an agender person online when i was 17ish and I'd never heard it before and thought it was really interesting and asked them how you know you're agender bc after hearing their explanation of it i thought it described how I felt, but ofc they weren't transmed and just described it as being like a deep feeling or whatever and since then i started calling myself agender (and switched between a few labels but basically nonbinary) until my transmed friend told me I was ridiculous and that I wasn't trans, and honestly he was a huge dick but im a huge pushover lmao and I thought well he's trans so he must know what he's talking about, and though I felt discouraged about it I stopped calling myself nonbinary. Then I began questioning it again after not too long and basically since then I've been questioning my gender off and on. I'm now 22 and god I fucking hope im cis but also I feel like a part of me doesn't want to be cis if that makes sense?? Idk if that's because I don't like being a girl for some weird deep reason I don't know about despite being pretty sure I've gotten a lot of my feelings and their reasons behind them figured out, or if it's because I am trans and dont want to force myself to pretend im a girl 100% forever. At the very least, whatever the fuck my gender is, I want to continue going by they\them wherever I can and pretending to be a boy to strangers online and I'd love to cosplay male characters and bind and occasionally just dress masculine for the hell of it and probably wear sports bras for the rest of my life. I feel like in a way I cang possibly be trans because I can live with all of those things and be fairly comfortable still being seen as female for the rest of my life. But idk, I have bpd and other mental shit so sometimes im not great with my feelings (tho I do try really hard to identify all of my feelings/emotions and stuff) but at the same time bpd can cause weird identity shit so maybe its just a weird mix of a bunch of crap and im not actually trans but just weird and tomboyish enough to question my gender for 5 years and still be unsure. Also I know a lot of ppl suggest talking to a therapist/psychologist/whatever professional and trust me I would love to but I can't currently and am unsure when ill be able to bc they're expensive and I live in the middle of fucking nowhere so finding a decent therapist around where I live rn is going to be very difficult. Also, I have fucking crippling social anxiety lmao like I'd be so afraid to open up about this stuff even to a professional. So if anyone could suggest anything online that could help that would be amazing

[whyldkratts]

for the ask meme: all of them, but if thats too much maybe just the last 10?

Sorry for the long post aaaa1: Let’s start with a tricky one; what is the real reason you are confused right now? [I bought lottery tickets bc I was in texas and they’re not legal where I live and the cashier at the gas station didn’t even ask for my id. I tried to show him and he just shook his head and let me go???? He didnt even care wtf]2: Do you ever get “good morning” texts from anyone? [Nah]3: If your significant other smoked pot, would you care? [Yea a little bit. I mean if it was just occasionally that’s probably fine? But a lot of my family has fucked up their entire lives with drugs so anything like that is iffy for me. It depends on how often they smoke ultimately]4: Do you find it easy to trust others? [I’d say yeah, probably. As long as you don’t fuck me over or guilt me within the first few weeks of knowing me id probably feel comfortable messaging you if I needed someone to talk to]5: What were you doing at 11PM last night? [Scrolling Tumblr]6: You’re drunk and lost walking down the road; who is with you? [Probably my irl bffs lindy and raven!]7: What would you do if you found out you had been cheated on? [Dump them. Adios fucker. I hope they’re happy with whoever they cheated on me with]8: Are you close with your dad? [Yeah I’d say so? I love him and he usually let’s me do my thing]9: I bet you kissed someone last night, right? [Nah]10: What are you listening to? [Run by hozier]11: You can only drink ONE liquid for the rest of your life - what is it? [Sweet tea!!!! I’m from the south baby]12: Do you like hickeys? [Never has one so I don’t know!]13: What time do you go to bed? [Uhhhhhh 5am?]14: Is there someone who continuously lets you down? [My siblings.]15: Can you text as quickly with one hand as you do both? [Nope I fuck up spelling a lot and have to go back and fix it no matter how many hands I’m typing with]16: Do you always answer your texts? [I try!! Unless I’m emotionally tired or forget]17: Do you hate the person you fell the hardest for? [No. She’s my best friend now, actually]18: When was the last time you talked to one of your best friends? [LIKE 3 MINUTES AGO I was complaining about how long it car ride home is]19: Is there someone that makes you happy every time you see them? [My irlbest friends, the cars discord chat I’m in, and a lot of my wk friends]20: What was your last thought before you went to bed last night? [I was writing ducktales fanfiction in my head]21: Is anyone else in the room with you? [I’m in a car with my mom for the next uhhh 7 hours?]22: Do you believe what goes around comes around? [Karmas a bitch]23: Were you happier four months ago than you are now? [I was visiting family in Indiana, so yea probably? Tho I am pretty happy now too]24: Is there someone you wish you could fix things with? [Sometimes, with my old pal cat. She did some bad things so I stopped talking to her, but sometimes I want to catch up and see how she’s doing.]25: In the past week, have you cried? [YEAH over a darkwing duck episode]26: What colour is the shirt you are wearing? [Grey. It has Mickey mouse on it!]27: Do people ever call you by your last name? [Noooope]28: Is anyone ignoring you right now? [I wouldn’t know]29: Do you have a best friend? [YEAH everyone in the cars discord and raven and lindy]30: Would it be hard seeing someone else kiss the last person you kissed? [No it was my great grandma lol]31: Who was your last call/text message from? [Call: red cross asking for my blood. Text: raven saying “dang”]32: Are you mad at anyone? [Not really? I don’t get angry very easily at all]33: Have you ever kissed someone older than you? [When I was a freshman I was dating a junior]34: How old will the last person you kissed be on his/her next birthday? [My great grandma! 88 I think]35: How many more days until your birthday? [LIKE a whole entire year. August 2nd]36: Do you have any summer plans yet? [Help my friend after her spine surgery p much. Visit family around the 4th of july]37: Do you have any good friends of the opposite sex? [I have tons of girl friends!! All my best friends are girls (except em but they’re a good friend still!!!)]38: Are you keeping anything from your best friend(s) now? [Lindy doesn’t know I’m trans]39: Do you have a secret that you’ve never told anyone? [Uhhhhhhhhhhh next question]40: Have you ever regretted kissing someone? [I try not to regret things like that]41: Do you think age matters in relationships? [UH YEAH?? An adult dating a minor ain’t my deallll]42: Are you available? [Lmfao yeah but don’t hold your breath I’m awful at relationships]43: How many people have you had real, strong feelings for since high school ended? [My ex and bff dksdkdiajsai kill Me. I’ve had small crushes but I don’t rly let them grow too much if I realize they’re poppin up]44: If you had to get a piercing (not ears), what would you get? [Septum]45: Do you believe exes can be friends? [Yeah!!!!! I just reconnected with my ex from freshmen year and he’s cool]46: Do you regret anything? [Times where my mouth moved before my head could think and I hurt someone I cared about. Times where I didn’t listen. Times where I hesitated. But the past is a different country, and I try not to waste the present lamenting what I could’ve done.]47: Honestly, what’s on your mind right now? [Home. And the mistakes I’ve made.]48: Did you ever lose a best friend? [Yeah. She moved away and we just… talked less, and less, and less.]49: Was your last kiss a mistake? [Nah it was my great grandma]50: Why aren’t you pursuing the person you like? [They have a bf and also dont like me plus im unlovable and bad at relationships and feelings *shrug emoji* the other person I’m interested in lives too far away and also doesn’t like me like that]51: Has the last person you kissed ever seen you cry? [Twas my gg and probably when I was a baby]52: Do you still talk with the person you LAST kissed? [All these last kiss ones are so angsty and sad and it was literally my grandma 5 hours ago I’m laughing]53: What was the last thing you ate? [McDonald’s French fries!!!!!]54: Did you get any compliments today? [Nah I’m in my road trip attire so I look like a mess]55: Where are you going on your next vacation? [New Orleans in October for voodoo fest!! Gonna see the foo fighters B)]56: Do you own anything from other countries?[I think I have Canadian money somewhere…]57: Are most of your friend guys or girls?[girls!!]58: Where have you lived most of your life?[Sweet Home Alabama]59: When was the last time you took a long drive?[DOING IT RN!!!!! 13 HOURS]60: Have you ever played Spin the Bottle?[yea but it was like, mashed up with truth or dare. Instead of kissing we asked them truth or dare]61: Have you ever TPd someone’s house?[nah I’m pretty mild]62: Who do you text the most?[raven probably? Or max]63: What was the last movie you saw?[spirited away I think??? First time I ever saw it]64: What’s preventing your current boyfriend/girlfriend from going back to their ex?[I’m single, don’t remind me :P]65: How many boyfriends/girlfriends did you have in 2011?[I was 12 and right smack dab in the middle of my ugly awkward phase (thays still going on today!) So I had none lmao]66: Is the last person you kissed younger than you?[nah]67: Do you curse around your parents?[GOOD LORD NO]68: Are you happy with where you live?[I? Hate Alabama. My city is okay but I want to move somewhere nicer]69: Picture of yourself? [I have a selfie tag. I would upload but I’m lazy. Maybe if I find a pic I like later I will]70: Are you a monogamous person or do you believe in open-ended relationships?[polyamory All the wayy!!!!! But monogamy is cool too]71: Have you ever been dumped?[probably in elementary school but I don’t remember? I usually am the one to end it bc I get freaked out and skittish around people genuinely caring about me so I break it up before they’re disappointed]72: What do you most like about making out?[being comfortable and close enough with someone to do it.]73: Have you ever casually made out with someone who you weren’t seriously involved with?[yup!]74: When you kiss someone for the first time, is it usually you who initiates it or the other?[depends? I’ve asked to kiss someone and I’ve been asked equal amounts.]75: What part of a person’s body do you find most attractive?[eyes? Idk there’s a lot that goes into finding someone attractive it’s hard to narrow it down]76: Who was the last person you talked to last night before you went to bed?[my mom]77: Had sex with someone you knew less than an hour?[virgin]78: Had sex with someone you didn’t know their name?[virgin]79: What makes your heart flutter and brings a big cheesy smile to your face?[Any cartoon character I’m currently hyperfixated on]80: Would you get involved with someone if they had a child already?[yes. But i would go slow and I wouldn’t want to meet their child until we were both sure this was something we wanted long term.]81: Has someone who had a crush on you ever confessed to you?[no its usually me? Wait i take that back!! One girl did while I was in hs but I’m pretty sure she only did it bc she just figured out her sexuality and I was queer and there.]82: Do you tell a lot of people when you have a crush?[nope I bottle that shit up!!!! But if it’s a long standing crush I’ll tell a few people eventually]83: Do you miss your last sweetie?[No.]84: Last time you slow danced with someone?[my friend Franklin at prom. We pretended to be spies on a mission forced to act casual as we scoped out potential enemies]85: Have you ever ‘dated’ someone you’ve never met?[??? Don’t like the skeptical quote marks. I’ve been in long distance relationships before, yes.]86: How can I win your heart?[just like…… be nice to me, ever, and I’m into it. Talk about things you like, ask me about things I like, try and get into/understand my interests and I’ll do the same?? Don’t make fun of me and don’t belittle my interests. The bar is low]87: What is your astrological sign?[leo]88: What were you doing last night at 12 AM?[sleeping]89: Do you cook?[pasta!!!!!!!]90: Have you ever gotten back in touch with an old flame after a time of more than 3 months of no communication?[yeah!!! 3 years of no talking and I reconnected with max recently]91: If you’re single right now, do you wish you were in a relationship?[uh it’s complicated. Yes but idk if I’m in a good place for a relationship. I haven’t even begun to transition at all.]92: Do you prefer to date various people or do you pretty much fall into monogamous relationships quickly?[you say that like I could get multiple people to date me]93: What physical traits do you look for in a potential interest?[nice dress style?? Glasses are good too. Idk questions like this are hard augh]94: Name four things that you wish you had![money, a job, plush darkwing duck toy, a car]95: Are you a player?[no]96: Have you ever kissed 2 people in one day?[nooooope]97: Are you a tease?[hahahahaha no]98: Ever meet anyone you met on Tumblr?[nope!!! Not yet]99: Have you ever been deeply in love with someone?[maybe. But I don’t think you can love someone too deeply who doesn’t love you back]100: Anybody on Tumblr that you’d go on a date with?[sure, plenty]101: Hugs or Kisses?[both??? Both is good]102: Are you too shy to ask someone out?[It’s Not shyness, it’s rejection I have a problem with]103: The first thing you notice about the opposite sex?[girls are pretty]104: Is it cute when a boy/girl calls you babe?[Yeah I guess]105: If a sexy person was pursuing you, but you knew he/she was in relationship, would you go for it?[If it was an open relationship and everyone knew the situation, then yea prob?? If not, then no.]106: Do you flirt a lot?[not really]107: Your last kiss?[my grandmaaaaa]108: Have you kissed more than 5 people since the start of 2012?[not in a romantic way]109: Have you kissed anyone in the past month?[not in a romantic way]110: If you could kiss anyone who would it be?[next question]111: Do you know who you’ll kiss next?[nope!! It’s a hopefully nice surprise for future me]112: Does someone like you currently?[probably not lol but ive got no idea!!]113: Do you currently have feelings for anyone?[sure]114: Do you like to be in serious relationships or just flings?[I want to fall in love.]115: Ever made out with just a friend?[yeah]116: Are you happier single or in a relationship?[in a relationship I think?]117: Your own question that you want me to answer. Just write it.[just send me an ask and ill answer it]

This got a bit of self hatred dashed in there whoops sorry!!!

[boyjadzia]

omg sara @shinelikeastarlight tagged me to do this super long tag game hlep

tagging: @void-for-president, @the-alexandrian-alchemist, @starboysisko, @magnmite, @yacobeanreign (of course only if y’all want)

last text sent: "cool [thumbs up emoji]”

list three favourite colours: ???? don’t do this to me

what time did u wake up at today: 11am, it’s reading period don’t judge me what were u doing last night at midnight: playing drunk rock band name something you can’t wait for: this godforsaken quarter to be over when was the last time u saw ur mother: over winter break/new year’s one thing u wish u could change abt ur life: the crippling depression/abandonment issues are getting kinda old, I’d like to feel like I have a stable community/family who love and support me whats getting on ur nerves rn: the discourse favourite tv shows: star trek (all of them but esp DS9), idk I’m sort of obsessed with yuri on ice at the moment, those two are the main ones tbh? first best friend: my girl India who doesn’t have a tumblr but we’ve been best friends since we met on the playground at age 5. our moms are also tight. listening to rn: nothing, the sound of my laptop fan straining to keep my computer from bursting into flame

3 fears: never having a group of people I feel I can call family, never being in love, cavities

4 turn ons: self-awareness/humility, being sensitive about & respectful of my dysphoria, trust/willingness to be vulnerable, being honest & vocal about what you like 4 turn offs: being boring, being insensitive/distant, not being conscientious about how you interact with my body (i.e. assuming you can just treat my body the same way you’d treat a woman’s body and that’s a-ok), heterosexuality of any kind sexual orientation: gay tbh senior year quote in my year book: oh god some generic hillary clinton quote about feminism I don’t even wanna remember it first thing i notice in a person: ?? what they look like? shoe size: 7M/9W (US) eye colour: hazel hair colour: brown favourite item of clothing: probably my leather jacket, close runners up are my high-waisted black jeans that look good with pretty much anything and my crop top that says “I got to second base at Jonah’s bar mitzvah, January 7th 1978″ what colour of underwear i’m wearing rn: blue/brown/white stripes favourite season: whichever one has like 60-70F weather, used to be summer but now that’s spring lol how much time i spent on designing my blog: not much I just picked a theme the reason i joined tumblr: this is pretty sad but... I wanted to make friends do i ever get “good morning” or “goodnight” texts: only if I’m like talking to someone right before going to bed when did i last hold hands: don’t remember how long does it take me to get ready in the morning: depends, anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour have i shaved my legs in the past 3 days: LMAO try the last 4 years where am i rn: on my couch do i like music loud or at a reasonable level: reasonable, loud noises are scary 3 things i love: my friends, dogs, idk earth? how i feel rn: I need to gtf to sleep lol something i rlly, rlly want: to feel like I don’t have to radically change my body to be attractive to the people I want to attract 3 things that upset me: feeling like I’m hurting or burdening other people, straight men trying to hit on me, the persistent feeling that being transmasc somehow makes me a bad person what i find attractive in other ppl: appreciating subjects other than your field of study, confidence, ambition, someone who’s accomplished interesting things in their life, being friendly, genuine & not condescending 3 habits i have: staying in bed all day on days when I don’t have to do anything, only eating part of my lunch during lunch time and eating the rest for dinner, carrying off ridiculous amounts of free food from events something i fantasize abt: feeling comfortable and secure in my attractiveness vis a vis how my body looks, and in my presence in gendered spaces something im talented at: singing, memorization, embarrassing myself the blog i give the most notes to: idk, probably sara tbh last person re-blogged sth from me: I haven’t checked my notifications in a while o_0 do  i smoke/drink: I drink with friends my favourite food: I’m a big fan of things with cheese in them. also guacamole. my favourite dessert: it really depends ugh I guess cake? what i did yesterday: had my last day of classes, went to work, went to an award ceremony/opening gala for an integrated DNA technologies sponsored exhibit at the field museum (it was so fancy I felt so grown up and fancy), went to kat’s birthday party number of kids i want: ???? number of siblings i have: none something thats constantly on my mind: trangst (trans angst)

last person i messaged on tumblr: teddy (void-for-president) can i drive: nope :/ what state or part of the world do i live in: Chicago, from Brooklyn am i in school: 3rd year undergrad do i get grossed out easily: not generally, but certain specific things will do it (ex. dead animals especially FISH) somewhere i would like to visit for a week: hm maybe go back and see Alaska again? check on that mountain biking trail I helped build in 10th grade i’ll love u if: make an effort to spend your free time with me/take the initiative in telling me that you value my being in your life last show i binge-watched: I binged legend of korra over winter break, probably that what words upset me the most: idk I guess people telling me I’m wrong for existing in the spaces that I occupy? what words make me feel best abt myself: when people tell me they value having me in their lives and that I make them feel good about themselves a wish that i’ve wished for repeatedly on 11:11: that’s not a thing that I do :/ who i would switch lives with for a day: idk maybe someone who’s already gone on T and sings just so I could get a sense of what the voice change is like for a singer? or like. a famous celebrity or something. my favourite ice cream: green tea I think? allergies: minor allergy to raw eggplant I think, every time I eat undercooked eggplant my mouth starts to feel like it’s swelling up, not like my throat is being blocked off but just my mouth starts to hurt quite noticeably sexiest person to come to mind immediately: alskdjfsldk this is really hard uhh uhhh ok see my first thought is like star trek characters but I can’t say that ok let’s go with john boyega he’s gorgeous and seems like a ray of sunshine my childhood career choice: biologist! one of my insecurities: that being transmasc nonbinary and still participating in some women’s spaces/not letting go of some aspects of womanhood makes me a bad person and specifically is harming transfeminine people how many blogs am i following: just over 100 I think how many tabs/different windows do i have open at this very moment: 2 windows, this is the only tab open in this window because my internet sucks and tumblr is a monster website, the other window has 13 tabs coke or pepsi: not super into either, I guess coke although my aunt used to work for pepsi so I should be loyal tea or coffee: tea movie or book: movie probably, I don’t actually read that much it’s embarrassing, although frankly I don’t really watch movies that much either a sense i would be willing to lose: none omg! I guess if I had to pick taste? since taste is mostly smell anyway quote i live by: I don’t really? type of accessory i wear the most: does the leather jacket count? otherwise none last awkward situation i found myself in: I kept trying to pet eva’s dog today but I just ended up scaring her what time is it rn: way too late

a song that made me cry: hallelujah by leonard cohen, not actually, just like made me v emotional (yes I’m thinking abt that yiddish cover) first song u ever sang at karaoke: are we talking like legit karaoke at a karaoke place or like hanging out in my best friend from middle school’s basement singing along with her CD of karaoke tracks for the hottest hits of the mid-2000s bc I don’t remember the former but the latter was definitely sk8r boi