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punkscowardschampions · 5 years ago

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Grace & Janis

Grace: did you see who brought my coat back??? Grace: 🤞🤞 Janis: I did Grace: No you didn't Janis: ? Janis: Welcome, bitch Grace: UM excuse me but why & how? Janis: One of the baristas hit me up, I went and got it earlier Grace: OMG Grace: which one? Janis: New boy Janis: The English one Grace: HE DID NOT HIT YOU UP Grace: what really happened Janis: [Screenshot of the friend/message request] Grace: 😱😱😱😱 Janis: Breathe Grace: what did he say about me?? Janis: That you left your coat Janis: That's about it Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: what did you say? Grace: I'll kill you if you were cringe Janis: As if I was talking about you Janis: None of your business is it Grace: OMG Grace: you're not his type babes Janis: You reckon you are? Grace: duh Janis: 😂 Janis: Oh babes Grace: if he screenshots your desperation I don't know you, yeah? Janis: Says the girl who's salty her latest plan to get noticed didn't work Grace: says you Grace: he notices me every time thanks Janis: EVERY time Janis: says it all Janis: get a hobby Grace: get a clue Grace: you know nothing about boys Janis: Letting 'em all get off with you doesn't make you an expert in the field, babes Janis: no matter how much stalking hours you put in Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: oh hun Janis: Ain't coming from me Janis: wanna talk shaming Grace: now I know you're lying Grace: don't be tragic Janis: why would I Janis: you'll get banned if you ain't careful Janis: back to starbies with the other basics Grace: cos you're jealous Grace: as usual Janis: of what Grace: me, bitch Janis: 😂😂😂😂 Janis: You don't want to be you, Gracie Janis: no one else does Janis: least of all me Grace: what ARE you talking about? Janis: Your pathetic lack of self-esteem Janis: if I liked you I'd be sad, tragic 😥 Grace: Mine? 👌 Love yourself first, babes Grace: think about the barista if it helps Janis: save that for your private time Janis: keep me out of it though, people'll talk Grace: 🤒 you're such a freak genuinely Janis: 💔 unlucky you'll never know Grace: EW STOP Janis: what a surprise, gracie can't hack it Grace: If you wanna follow in Ri's footsteps, pick a willing family member Janis: yeah, that's me Janis: desperately tryna be like her in every way ⛾ Grace: if you're gonna be all 😍 for my barista you could do worse Grace: least she knows how to flirt Grace: clueless virgin won't get you very far Janis: 'cos desperate slag's done wonders for you Janis: if I needed advice, I wouldn't go to either of you, but at least she has got somewhere Grace: 👌 devastated obvs Janis: everyone can see it Janis: sad face Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: you've shown yourself up WAY worse with that boy, trust me Janis: Not up to you, gutted Janis: he didn't seem to think so Grace: oh please Janis: nah, no matter how nice you ask Janis: he just ain't feeling you Grace: what's the truth, Jan-Jan, did you talk about me or didn't you? Grace: 🤔🤔 Janis: get a clue, gracie Janis: your details are just as easy to find as mine Janis: easier Grace: like I said, get one yourself first Grace: its as easy to work out we're related, worst luck Janis: you ain't hard to get Janis: just want Grace: says you Grace: can't get through the door for your admirers, can we, babes? Janis: not tryna make it a family affair like you 👌 Grace: not trying Grace: until now, but you went too hard, shame 💔 Janis: surrounding by such great influences Janis: 🤷 what can I do eh Grace: OMG YOU LITERALLY DID NOTHING Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: I wouldn't be smug if I were you though, girl Grace: Such a cliche & not the first time he's tried it Janis: Who's smug? Janis: Just you sounds of Grace: I'm just trying to warn you Grace: I won't bother next time, bitch Grace: OMG so rude Janis: Don't, like Janis: if you had any idea you wouldn't have all the shit exes you do already so go off Grace: if you had any idea I wouldn't have to Grace: this is so embarrassing Grace: he's gonna make you look even more tragic & I can't pretend I don't know you Janis: nah Janis: i don't let boys do that Janis: your kink, not mine Grace: he already is Grace: flirting with you to get MY attention, hello! Janis: is it comfy in there? Grace: 🙄 Wake up, Janis OMG Grace: he's been flirting with me since he got here Janis: Filling your order isn't foreplay Janis: actually gonna catch a case if you don't calm down Grace: cos you'd know Janis: yeah? Grace: You're making me die Grace: cringe fest Janis: 🤞 Janis: 🎂 wishes coming through at last Grace: focus on that cos he isn't gonna make any happen for you, hun Grace: unless you're hoping to be used by a boy who likes me more Janis: that's what boys are for, right? Janis: 😂 Grace: 🙄 Grace: that's why you like girls more, yeah? 👌 Janis: you're the one constantly surrounded Janis: i wouldn't let one sleep in my bed Grace: cos you're too 😍 Grace: it's okay Janis: love the queerbashing Janis: very in Grace: Excuse you Grace: I am not Janis: Yeah you are Janis: stop being a total cunt just 'cos you're sad Grace: I could care less if you're gay Grace: that's not why I don't like you, babes Janis: Yeah, you're just a bitch, cool Grace: You started it Janis: Where? Janis: I got your coat for you Grace: You know I like him, you're breaking girl code Janis: Well I ain't one of the girls, am I Janis: bit late to include me now 'cos it'd benefit you Grace: you're my sister, that's worse Grace: duh Janis: I think you'll survive Grace: like you care Grace: but I'm the bitch, sure Grace: 🙄🙄🙄🙄 Janis: You're just mad that he doesn't want you, that ain't my fault Grace: Stop saying that OMG Grace: you don't know what you're talking about Janis: well I'm the one who managed to have a conversation with him so I know more than you do Janis: doesn't take a genius, come on Grace: You're calling me stupid now too Grace: So rude Janis: You're being it Janis: you don't need to Janis: plenty of boys, plenty of baristas if that's really your speed Grace: Obvs Grace: I don't want your sloppy seconds, thanks Grace: I respect girl code, if you like him then whatever Janis: Nice to know you respect something Grace: Bitch Janis: 👍 Janis: Pleasure as always Grace: Yeah, I know you love coming for me Grace: no secret, babes Janis: Be nice to think this was all about you, I know Grace: You expect me to believe it's about him? You saw him for the first time today Grace: thanks to me Janis: Don't be stupid Janis: he's in loads of my lessons Janis: as if I could ignore the new boy hype you've all been on Grace: Finally you're admitting it Janis: What? That I'd noticed the change in the furniture? Janis: I'M not an idiot Grace: That you're not immune to a hot boy Grace: It's taken you long enough Janis: 😑 Janis: That's what you're taking away from this Janis: really Grace: I know you want me to take away your life changing advice that I'm the worst but Grace: Like I said, you're a bitch Janis: It's not advice Janis: inspiration to change at best Grace: Whatever 🙄 Janis: too much like hard work Janis: it's alright Grace: Excuse you Grace: I always put work in Grace: unlike your effortless chic you're trying to make happen 🙄 Janis: yeah that's what we're talking about Janis: fashion Janis: jesus Grace: Attitude Grace: and yours does need work, babes Janis: 😂 Janis: Where's your getting you but 2nd in command to a cunt and pied by boys left and right Janis: inspirational, truly Grace: Shut up OMG Grace: you don't like my friends or my exes, I'll get over it Janis: No one does Janis: you deal with the leftovers, don't be pouty no one's jealous Grace: You sound soooooooo bitter 🍋 Janis: 💔 Janis: if you like, babes Janis: have that for free, as you're struggling so much Grace: Just 'cos you love a freebie from barista boy Grace: I'm good, thanks 💋 Janis: If you say it enough Janis: you might believe it Janis: positive thinking, yeah, babes? 👍 Grace: 🙄🙄🙄 Grace: try it for me, yeah, babes? ty Grace: you're gonna need all the help you can get now you've got a boyfriend Janis: Behave Grace: You will enough for the both of us Grace: I give it a couple of days before he's bored Janis: 😂 Janis: so concerned with MY sex life Janis: how long's it been, babes? Grace: the day I talk about mine with you is the day I off myself Grace: it's cringe enough chatting to you about things you think you have a clue on Janis: please Janis: you don't talk about anything else Janis: you've got nothing else Grace: you wish, weirdo Janis: 😂 Janis: awh, your comebacks haven't gotten any better Grace: You don't deserve my best, hun Grace: 😘 Janis: I can't begin to get into how tragic you are Janis: at least Monroe had an honest to God sad backstory and drug habit Janis: sort it out, do us all a favour Grace: I do have you as a sister, that's really tragic Grace: Sadly you won't ever let me help you sort yourself out Janis: You're a mess Janis: you have no business trying to sort anyone, state Grace: 😂😂😂 Grace: sure Jan Janis: Laugh it off babe Grace: I'm trying Grace: But you're not very funny Janis: It's your life Janis: I'm telling you, it's really sad Janis: but you insist otherwise so you deal with it Grace: OMG get over yourself Grace: I'm not here for a counselling session Janis: Thank God Janis: you've not got the self-awareness, I've not got the relevant qualifications to deal with your insanity Janis: disaster Grace: It's called self awareness not 'Janis tells me what I am' Janis: And you get neither Janis: boo hoo Grace: I'll get over it, I'm sure Grace: God, if this is what that boy likes, I'm well out of it Janis: Bold Janis: When have you got over anything bigger than split ends, Gracie Janis: and I ain't trying to chirps you Janis: something you seem to be having a lot of trouble with Grace: We've established my backstory isn't tragic enough, sorry babe Grace: Even with you trying to 💔 Janis: 😂 Trying Janis: that's your game Grace: 🙄🙄 Janis: i'm off Janis: be sure to check your pockets for secret love notes i'm sure he left you Janis: 🤞 Grace: yay Grace: let the door hit you on the way out

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alongthoselineswrites · 6 years ago

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I swear I’m full of AUs

Another Plance AU, because that’s literally all my mind can think of, especially when school thinking needs to be happening.

This time it’s a Beauty and the Briefcase AU. Except reverse roles, because that makes more sense.

This would make Lance Lane (And honest to goodness the name similarity just hit me, I couldn’t remember her name until I looked it up, and it’s literally only one letter short) and Pidge would be Tom.

Hunk would be Joanne (Lance’s best friend, duh) and Keith would be the model friend that I forgot the name of (Pidge’s best friend, because I am a sucker for platonic kidge).

Shiro would be Kate White, Lance’s actual boss, and Allura would be Seth, and works for Pidge.

Nyma would be Liam.

Feel free to pick this up as a fanfic if anyone wants to, even though I half wrote it below the cut.

Anyway, story goes that Lance works for a Newspaper, where primarily men work, and the only women are married or are much older than him (although that hasn’t stopped him from trying to flirt with them, with little to no success). Lance writes the gossip column (as if any self-respecting newspaper would actually have a gossip column, but whatever, for the sake of the story it’s a gossip column).

Lance has a “list” of traits that he wants in his future partner, and because it honestly fits so well, we’ll just say it’s the list they use in the movie.

1. Puts passion above common sense 2. Sexy Accent 3. Spontaneous 4. Fashion Sense 5. ??? 6. Same taste in food 7. Travels to exotic locations on a whim 8. Plays a sexy musical instrument 9. Witty statements on the tip of [her] tongue 10. Public fights and torrid make-up... make-out session (for the kids at home)

(Also I can’t find #5, so if anyone can find that go ahead and put it in the comments and you will have my eternal thanks)

Despite his flirting, he doesn’t want to settle for anything less that the perfect woman who hits every mark on his checklist.

One day, Lance complains to Shiro about how this industry is a sausage fest, and while Shiro makes some comment about how he’s not complaining, he does sympathize with Lance, and jokingly suggests that he should go undercover in the fashion business to find single women, cause obviously they’re all hiding there.

They both realize at the same moment how brilliant of an idea this is, and Shiro agrees to let him do it on the condition that he writes about it for the paper.

So Lance joins the fashion industry, somehow BSing and flirting his way through the interview, and lands a job as Pidge’s assistant.

Pidge runs a ridiculously tight ship, and has her routine down to a science, as well as the fashion trade. Lance and her get along well, and although Pidge expects a lot of him, Lance eventually starts getting the hang of working in the fashion industry.

One of Shiro’s stipulations was that Lance could only date women that he worked with, or else the whole experiment and going undercover was for nothing. So Lance tries, but the only one that even hits most of his points on the checklist is Allura, and she makes it very clear that she isn’t interested, plus she is dating Keith, one of their best models (GO PLANCE AND KALLURA SOLIDARITY!!!).

So Lance and Hunk go out later, and their waitress (Nyma) is this tall blonde who totally activates Lance’s... I mean, totally checks off most of the things on his checklist.

So basically, Lance decides to date Nyma and pretend that Nyma is Allura in his article so that he can keep writing his article. Which he does at work between duties for Pidge.

All goes well for a while, and Pidge and Lance become really close friends, bonding over staying late together, and laughing at each other’s expense because of Pidge’s horrible fashion sense despite working in fashion or the fact that Lance can’t sew to save his life, despite having apparently done so since he learned to walk (according to his resume).

The You Know What hits the fan one day though when Pidge needs to get a document Lance was working on for her from his computer, but he is out working on something for the big fashion show the next day, so she hacks into his computer, discovering his article.

She calls Allura, Lance, and Keith to her office, and basically reads Lance’s article aloud, which causes Allura to turn bright red because she never did any of that with Lance, and Keith to literally almost kill Lance. Lance tries to explain, cause the last thing he wanted was to ruin Keith and Allura’s relationship, and Pidge eventually sends Keith and Allura out after Lance finally gets out that it wasn’t actually Allura, and Allura confirms it. After that, Pidge and Lance have a huge fight about “How could you lie to all of us like that!?” that can be heard throughout the entire office, before she snaps and yells at Lance to get out.

Lance assumes he’s fired, because what person in their right mind wouldn’t fire someone after finding out that they literally only got the job to hunt for single women around the office, and in actuality have zero experience in the field.

Later that night, Lance tries to get ahold of Nyma, who claims she’s in Europe somewhere. However, when Hunk and him go back to the restaurant where they first met Nyma, they find her chatting up some other dude, and realize that she was playing Lance the whole time.

Lance is understandably distraught after the day he’s had, and the next day he is crying into Hunk’s shoulder with a carton of rocky road when he gets a call from Pidge, asking why he’s late for the big fashion show. He says he thought he was fired, and Pidge is like, “uh, no? When did I ever say you were fired?” and so Lance is like, “K. Be right there.” and he goes and assists and does an amazing job because he’s finally gotten the hang of this whole fashion thing.

After the show, Lance and Pidge part ways, and Pidge wishes Lance luck on his article. Lance goes back to the newspaper office, having written a completely different article than he originally intended, since he didn’t find the perfect woman.

Shiro however, absolutely loves the article, and says that it’s the best thing Lance has ever written. Lance of course is super flattered because Shiro is his hero.

Shiro then makes a seemingly random comment about how the right girl was there the whole time, and Lance, super confused, asks what he means.

Shiro, thinking that Lance had already figured out that he’s in love with Pidge, asks if he ever did a checklist for her. Lance says that he didn’t have to, and Shiro proposes that they do one right then.

As suspected, Pidge doesn’t tick off any of the boxes on Lance’s checklist, except for the witty statements and the public fight and make-out session, minus the make-out session part.

After going through the checklist, Shiro nudges Lance towards the correct conclusion, that despite the fact that Pidge is nothing that Lance thought he wanted in a woman, she is the perfect woman for him, and the one that he inevitably ended up falling in love with.

Finally realizing that he’s in love with Pidge, Lance runs back to her office, and bursting into the building, shouts from literally across the department about how she has a horrible fashion sense and always puts common sense first and eats boring food in her boring office everyday, and how she’s nothing that he ever wanted in a woman.

The whole office is silent as he walks towards her, and Keith is obviously fuming, ready to punch Lance if Allura wasn’t there holding him back.

Pidge is really confused, but something in Lance’s gaze has her stuck at the top of the stairs leading to her office.

Lance slowly climbs the stairs, smile growing as he approaches her.

“You’re nothing that I ever thought I wanted, but you’re everything I never knew I needed. I love you, Pidge.”

Pidge breathes a huge sigh of relief, tears inexplicably rushing to her eyes as she grabs him by the shoulders in a rush of adrenaline and hauls him in for a kiss.

The whole office cheers.

#plance #plance au #pance #pidgance #flirtyrobot #cyance #smartwater #seasalt #rainforest #glue #lidge #pie #kallura #beauty and the briefcase

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sassafrasx · 8 years ago

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2016 Writing Year Review

Thanks @notbrogues for tagging me! Upon looking at my AO3 stats this year this is almost embarrassing but, haaaaaaaaahahahaha, let’s do it anyway.

Total Number of Stories Completed: 5 fics, 4 completed. All for gift exchanges.

Total Word Count: 19,355 *hysterical laughter in the distance*

Fandoms Written In: Kingsman, Merlin, Captive Prince, Genghis Khan - Miike Snow (Music Video)

Looking Back, Did You Expect To Write More Fic Than You Thought You Would This Year, Less, Or About What You’d Expected? MORE, SO MUCH MORE. It’s not even funny how much less I wrote than what I’d planned. But with the craziness that was this year, I’m happy I was able to write anything really. The first half of the year S.O. had multiple surgeries and even more hospital stays and then I’ve lived in a construction zone for the past 5 months or so and gone through 3 different contractors and we both nearly lost our sanity (such as it is >.>) in the process, so, all in all, I suppose I shouldn’t complain and just be happy that things are finally finally settling down and looking a hell of a lot better going forward for the first time in years. (Which means so much more writing time, once we’re finished unpacking.)

But I am going to go put my head under a blanket because omg I didn’t even break 20k of published fic this year. Gahhh. /o\

What’s Your Own Favorite Story Of The Year? Oooooooh, I don’t know. Maybe my Yuletide fic this year, Refraction, Redress, which was for the Miike Snow music video -- so many of my favorite themes: queer themes, found family, bamf ladies, and a happy poly ending -- and my Kingsman fics were also a lot of fun.

(P.S. If you haven’t seen that music video, DO IT. Soooooo much fun, I loved being able to play with it. :D https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=P_SlAzsXa7E )

Did You Take Any Writing Risks This Year? Ummm, not particularly I don’t think? Every fic was very different in terms of setting and themes, different styles of writing as well, so that was good, but I don’t know if any of them were risks, per se.

Do You Have Any Fanfic Or Profic Goals For The New Year? Wriiiiiiiiiite. And finish things! I have so many WIPs gathering dust at this point and I’m rather attached to them all and I really want them to see the light of day. I also realized I haven’t written fic that wasn’t for an exchange fest in over a year, so I need to start doing that again. Also put the finishing touches on a bunch of Merlin fic I have lingering on my hard drive and fucking post it already. Finish the Kingsman Big Bang, which I’m super excited for! Everyone is so great, I can’t wait for everyone’s finished stuff.

But, yeah, mostly just write. Anything. Doesn’t really matter, I just need to get back in the rhythm of it all.

Best Story Of The Year? No clue, you tell me XD

Most Popular Story Of The Year? This isn’t even close to a competition: The World Will Follow After my 5+1 Merlin fic from the very beginning of the year full of accidental soulbonding and all that tropey goodness hahahaha

Story of Mine Most Under-appreciated By The Universe, IMO: Well tiny fandom fic is always relatively underappreciated by virtue of being what it is, so Refraction, Redress again for last year. The tiniest of tiny fandoms!

Most Fun Story To Write: Ooooooh, probably Follow Me Out, Across the Stars -- space! and sassy gentlemen in suits! and pining and flirting and all the fun stuff.

Story With The Single Sexiest Moment: Maybe the rimming scene in The World Will Follow After? Or, actually, I’ll go with the wanking scene in Follow Me Out, Across the Stars. Idk, depends on your preferences I guess.

Most Sweet Story: Errrr. Probably the same two, take your pick. I wouldn’t really describe any of the others as sweet, but people keep saying The World Will Follow After is sweet, so?

“Holy Crap, That’s Wrong, Even For You!” Story: Nothing last year, although I currently have a fic planned out that is definitely, absolutely wrong even for me and I cackle with glee every time I think about it and it is all @alamerysl ‘s fault. I CANNOT BE BLAMED.

(this what I get for joking around about surprise plot twists lolol)

Story That Shifted My Own Perceptions Of The Characters: Ummm, I know it’s not finished (oh god /o\), but Accidental Destinations was a huge process for me and I don’t think I’ve ever generated so many notes for any one fic before, but it also allowed me to get into a lot of nitty gritty details and such for all the characters, really fully flesh them out in a way a lot of my short fluffy stuff that, while fun, doesn’t have as much room to delve into. And I really really really need to finish it, because I genuinely adore a lot of the stuff I have planned for it, and I just need to connect the pieces.

Most Unintentionally Telling Story: Probably Refraction, Redress, although Accidental Destinations may well end up being so in the future.

Hardest Story To Write: God, I don’t know. Almost all of these ended up being a fight. The World Will Follow After was beyond uncooperative and it was not originally a 5+1 thing, but a much longer thing that just would not work, so I eventually hacked it into 6 parts and completely changed up the format to make it flow as a cohesive thing, and at least judging by the response I assume it did. My smutswap fic, Mine, was originally a completely different fic which I ended up just having to trash at the last minute and write a quick pwp with as many kinks as I could stuff to make up for it instead. Follow Me Out, Across the Stars also fought me although I was able to wrangle it more or less by the end, but not without an all-nighter (and really I’m way too old to still be doing that.... :’D).

Biggest Disappointment: Having so little time to write and, frankly, not having the energy to do much with the time I did. Large parts of this year wiped me emotionally, but I was still able to come here and zone out and make my little corner of fandom my happy, away-from-the-world place and that meant a lot, so I’m not really hung up over it. You win some you lose some XD

Biggest Surprise: Not dropping out of any of the things I did sign up for and ending the year on a good note, writing and all!

Tagging @morganasand @eatingmoonflowers and anyone else who hasn’t been tagged and would like to do it (I can’t tell who’s been tagged and who hasn’t at this point, but I’m way late to the party, so), I’d love to hear about it :D

#sass rambles #ficcage

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viralhottopics · 8 years ago

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How Potentially Great Movies Got Derailed By Offscreen BS

Hollywood has proved that it’s willing to turn literally anything into a movie, from children’s toys, to Reddit posts, to E.L. James novels. So, if you ever notice a film-worthy property that has remained conspicuously un-adapted, you can bet your ass that it’s not for lack of trying. In fact, some of the stories behind these non-adaptations would make pretty good movies of their own (mostly comedies, with some hints of psychological horror).

Gore Verbinski’s R-Rated BioShock Movie Is Dead Due To Watchmen

Video game adaptations tend to be utter garbage for one simple reason: It’s hard to turn a plot like “portly Italian steps on hundreds of turtles” into a coherent screenplay. If there’s one game that could break the curse, though, it’s BioShock. Why? Because it already has a more cogent story than most movies.

2K Games Not to mention, way more diving suit-wearing mutants with giant drills on one hand.

The game’s critically acclaimed storyline (centered on a utopic underwater city created by a combination of Walt Disney and Ayn Rand) is ripe for the taking — and there’s one director willing to do it. Gore Verbinski of Pirates Of The Caribbean fame is a big fan of BioShock‘s “cinematic potential” and “strong narrative,” and we’ve already talked about why he would actually be perfect for this adaptation (assuming he doesn’t succumb to the Burton Syndrome and casts Johnny Depp for every part).

Verbinski was all set to shoot a BioShock movie in 2009, and fittingly for someone named “Gore,” he wasn’t planning to shy away from the game’s violence and general fucked-up-ness. In his own words, he “just really, really wanted to make it a movie where, four days later, you’re still shivering and going, ‘Jesus Christ!'” The movie’s concept art confirms that, at the very least, this thing would have been visually amazing:

2K Games

But then, only eight weeks before shooting started, Universal Studios pulled the plug. What happened? Apparently, Watchmen did.

Verbinski wanted between $160 and $200 million to properly recreate the underwater city of Rapture, but after Zack Snyder’s dour superhero slo-mo-fest underperformed, Universal got nervous about financing such an expensive R-rated film. Verbinski wouldn’t budge on the rating or the budget, so that was it. The studio tried to keep going with another director, but the same problems came up again. Eventually, BioShock‘s creators decided they didn’t need a stinking movie anyways.

We’d love to end this entry telling you that the recent string of R-rated genre hits proved those cowardly producers wrong, but it’s not that simple: Deadpool cost only $58 million, Logan reportedly $97 million, and Mad Max: Fury Road didn’t exactly make it rain (by Hollywood standards). Shooting an underwater city probably won’t be affordable until we’re actually living in one, so cross your fingers for more climate change, gaming fans!

We’ll Never See Guillermo Del Toro’s At The Mountains Of Madness Because Of Freaking Prometheus

Like his creation Cthulhu, horror author H.P. Lovecraft has managed to indirectly wedge his face-tentacles into everything you love. He’s inspired such disparate works as Dungeons And Dragons, Evil Dead, and even Conan The Barbarian — and yet, very few of his works have been directly adapted into movies. For instance, there’s never been a film adaptation of his classic novella At The Mountains Of Madness, the lovely story of a bunch of scientists who stumble upon forgotten horrors during an Antarctic expedition, and end up getting slaughtered or losing their minds.

Guillermo Del Toro, no stranger to giant monsters from other dimensions, has been trying to adapt Mountains for decades, but the project has been cursed by the unthinkable evils that rule the universe: Hollywood executives. Del Toro had a script ready as early as 1998, and at various points the project managed to attract serious interest from Warner Bros., Universal, and Steven Spielberg’s DreamWorks Pictures. In 2010, Del Toro even convinced James Cameron to join as producer and had Tom Cruise in advanced talks to star (yes, we might have finally found out what Cruise looks like as an insane person).

The studios always ended up wussing out over the budget and dark tone, but Del Toro kept plugging away, convinced that this was something audiences had never seen before. That is, until he heard about a little movie called Prometheus. You know, the one about a bunch of scientists who stumble upon forgotten horrors during a galactic expedition, and end up getting slaughtered or crushed by slow-moving space donuts.

The similarities don’t end there: Both Prometheus and Mountains involve the scientists discovering an ancient alien race responsible for creating humanity, as well some ugly-ass monsters hell-bent on destroying said humanity. Del Toro didn’t want to cover the same ground as that film, so he announced that his project was on hold or dead. In 2013, he said he would give it one more try … and that’s the last anyone’s heard of it. Oh, well, at least there’s always the new Hellbo– Whoops.

Hamilton Won’t Be A Movie For Decades Because The Creator Just Said So

Chances are that you’ve never seen Hamilton yourself (tickets go from $175 to $2000 and are still constantly sold out), but you sure as hell have heard about it. It’s a freaking cultural phenomenon. The Founding Father-themed hip-hop musical won 11 of its record-breaking 16 Tony Awards nominations, largely for its ability to achieve the impossible: making people pay “could have bought fairly high-quality cocaine” money to see something pertaining to Alexander “National Debt Ain’t Nothing But A Thing” Hamilton.

Since Hamilton creator Lin-Manuel Miranda is all about making American history more accessible to the masses, a movie adaptation would make perfect sense, right? So thinks everyone, except Lin-Manuel Miranda. In a recent Rolling Stone interview, Miranda stated that if a film adaptation happens, it probably wouldn’t be for at least 20 years. Partially, he wants to make sure people come see it in theaters now (even though 99 percent of us will never have the chance) … but he also claims that the only good play-to-film adaptations are “all 20 years after the fact,” giving examples like Cabaret or Chicago.

The thing is, Cabaret was only made eight years after the play. West Side Story, The Sound Of Music, Oliver!, The Music Man, My Fair Lady, Guys And Dolls, Hairspray — all had acclaimed movies within five to eight years of the musical. The Grease movie was released only seven years later, and people love that retroactively creepy crap. Does Miranda think it was actually made in the ’50s because of the wardrobes?

At most, those suffering from Hamilust will have to settle for watching a filmed performance of the play, but there are two problems with that: 1) Miranda says he hasn’t decided what to do with the only recording of the original cast, joking (we think?) that he’d throw it in a vault, and 2) no one in the history of humanity has enjoyed a fixed-camera movie of a play. You might as well sneak into one of the inevitable rip-off productions that high school drama clubs will be putting on for years to come.

Steve Carell’s Real-Life Comedy About North Korea, Pyongyang, Was Shelved Because Of The Interview

North Korea has been responsible for a lot of terrible things over the years, but there was one time when they actually tried to save us from a lurking danger we ourselves didn’t fully understand: Seth Rogen’s The Interview. In what we naively thought would be the most bonkers international incident of this decade, Kim Jong-un’s regime took offense at something in the movie (presumably the part about Rogen and James Franco assassinating him, but maybe they’re just tired of stoner jokes) and allegedly hacked Sony Pictures in retaliation.

As a result, most screenings of the movie were cancelled and the film was banished to the wasteland of home video.

However, this Chinese food-fart of a movie wasn’t the most tragic casualty of the Sony hack clusterfuck: that would be Steve Carell’s Pyongyang, which was a story that actually deserved to be told.

Based on a 2004 autobiographical comic book, Pyongyang details author Guy Delisle’s experiences in the North Korean capital, where he worked as the liaison between a French animation company and a local studio. That studio’s signature creation, by the way, is an adorable propaganda series starring a squirrel and a hedgehog, imaginatively titled Squirrel And Hedgehog.

Because of his particular role, Delisle was given unprecedented access to parts of the country usually hidden from outsiders. His book is a retelling of all the bizarre things he saw and experienced in that crazy-ass regime — a concept that apparently made Gore Verbinski’s ears perk up when he heard about it. In 2013, New Regency announced Verbinski would direct a “dark comedy” based on the Delisle’s experiences, and eventually added Steve Carell as the lead. It would have been an intriguing combination of awkward situations …

… and the obligatory “creative liberties” Hollywood would have taken to make the story more like a spy thriller. Either way, expect a lot of Carell screaming in panic.

Unfortunately, thanks to Rogen shoving his dick jokes into the nuclear hornet’s nest, the movie was dead before it could really take off. New Regency didn’t think they could risk a controversial movie of their own, while Verbinski welcomed the possibility of World War III, stating, “I find it ironic that fear is eliminating the possibility to tell stories that depict our ability to overcome fear.” To which the studio probably responded: “Yeah, but nukes and shit. Right?”

The Catcher In The Rye Will Never Get A Movie Because Of A Terrible Version Of Another J.D. Salinger Story

J.D. Salinger’s Catcher In The Rye has long been considered by hipsters (and assassins) to be the greatest book against phonies ever written. Holden Caulfield’s story of self-discovery mirrors that of many a pissed-off, surly, uniquely rebellious teenager — so, all of them, basically. That probably explains why entire generations of actors, from Marlon Brando to Leonardo DiCaprio, have tried to get the movie done with themselves in the lead.

The problem is that, like his boy Caulfield, Salinger was on a bit of a crusade against the phonies of the world — and to him, no one was phonier than Hollywood (not sure how he got that impression).

Salinger didn’t always feel that way. Early in his career, he sold the rights to his short story Uncle Wiggily In Connecticut, a commentary on materialism in the post-WWII era. According to his assistant, Salinger “thought they would make a good movie,” which wasn’t an unreasonable assumption considering that the script would be written by the screenwriters of Casablanca, Julius and Philip Epstein.

So what did the Epsteins do? They changed the name to My Foolish Heart, ditched all the social commentary, and turned the story into a sappy romantic tale.

Even though the film was a commercial hit, Salinger hated it so much that he refused to allow any more adaptations of his work. Including Catcher In The Rye. Of course, there might be another reason why he turned down all those offers from famous actors: According to his one-time girlfriend, Salinger thought only he himself could play Caulfield. It’s probably a little bit of column A, a little bit of column B.

Anyway, if you excitedly thought that Salinger’s death might finally bring about a Catcher adaptation, then you’re 1) a shitty person, and 2) wrong. The people who manage his trust were fully aware of his aversion to licensing out any of his works, and will continue his crusade for generations to come. On the upside, think of all the murders from illiterate would-be killers we’re avoiding this way.

Jordan Breeding is a part-time writer, a full-time lover, and an all the time guitarist. Check out his band at Skywardband.com or on Spotify here.

Behind every awful movie is the idea for a good one. Old man Indiana Jones discovers aliens: Good in theory, bad in practice. Batman fights Superman: So simple, but so bad. Are there good versions of these movies hidden within the stinking turds that saw the light of day? Jack O’Brien hosts Soren Bowie, Daniel O’Brien, and Katie Willert of After Hours on our next live podcast to find an answer, as they discuss their ideal versions of flops, reboots, and remakes. Tickets are $7 and can be purchased here!

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