#did anyone else cry when Barbie first started noticing people and their feelings

[siriusmydeer]

Sirius x twin!reader where he runs away and doesn't say goodbye or anything, and they've always had a bad relationship because reader is like regulus and sirius is, well, sirius. baso angst where the reader is now ignoring sirius at hogwarts and sirius is trying to talk to her which is strange because before it was the other way round. she snaps and tells sirius how he knew what would happen if she ran away, and it was that she would get twice as many bad things to make up for sirius not (1)

the forgotten sister

sirius black x fem!twin!slytherin!reader

summary: sirius leaves you with aching despair the the faults that comes with being a black heir.

word count: 2.7k

warnings: child abuse, arranged marriage, angst, mentions of being imprisoned, mentions of death, mentions of violence, being disowned, mentions of death eaters, bad mental health, insinuation of depression, insinuation of a panic attack and bad sibling relationships

a/n: rate this cuz idk how to write angst but this has been sitting in my inbox for so long i’m so sorry

despair.

dejection.

guilt.

it was clear as day in your thought-stricken mind, without a second thought it ran thickly through your families veins for generations. every single heir of the noble house of black had the one ranging emotion of anything in a malicious, loathsome, vile and horrid context.

brothers, they were suppose to protect their siblings, love and nurture them above anyone else. they were suppose to kiss your forehead when you were sad, play with your barbies till they wanted to rip out their eyes because you had nobody else to play with, they were suppose to show another emotion than trepidation.

twins, the bond shared between them in unmatchable to any other sibling, they shared a womb for nine months, a direct bond, no seperation for nine months, thirty nine weeks, two hundred and seventy three days, a total of six hundred, five thousand and seventy hours together. a bond that should last a lifetime, of happiness, absentminded chuckles, homeliness, and love.

that’s what it should have, that’s how it should look in the peering eyes of anyone who had looked upon the similar featured siblings.

sixteen years, the only thing you had receiving in attempts of happiness, absentminded chuckles, homeliness, and love; but not everybody got what they wanted, in return you had received the raw sickly end of despair, dejection and guilt. what could such a young girl do to upset her brother from the very second her life begun? since the first weep that left sirius’ mouth, it almost felt like a duty ringing through your brain like a recurrent lullaby rather than a curse to be ignored by your family, and to only serve them when they deemed necessary for your forgotten presence.

rather than the lullaby on how a spider ran up a web, the only word familiar words in your brain since the ripe age of six was ‘crucio.’ the red tinging flare that sped across your living room like a jolt of lightening from the sky had just become a familiar sight to see at while your panic stricken figure strided through your house for just a few seconds more of peace.

dense words could be shared with your twin, not even a ‘good morning’ on most days. maybe a subtle nod when he first saw you as you both woke from your slumber if you were lucky, maybe even a sparing glance once or twice throughout the day. the first and last born female at the hands of walburga and orion black was simply ignored, a nobody, absolutely and completely nothing.

atleast sirius was there, he may not have spoke to you, or even looked in your direction but his presence in the dreadful household could’ve been enough, enough to put your blearing mind at ease for the night. that you had survived another day, that the next passing day his presence still comforted you because he was still there, that even though he didn’t protect you; he could protect regulus when he deemed fit, and as much as it put you in a absentminded agony, you appreciated his efforts to your youngest brother.

the following morning you woke up, his presence was diminished. his aura had vanished, the pungent smell of nicotine had left no trace on the stygian walls, the husk smell of expensive leather no longer enveloped in your ventilation and the irritating scent of his nose itching cologne was in absentia.

twin-tuition the muggles muttered, when two siblings who shared a whom could know almost everything and anything about each other without a second blip of thought. the walk to his room was excruciating, because in your heart his comforting presence had fled. the pink floyd and beatles posters had been torn from the walls, the mahogany wood from his drawers had been completely dismembered and his closet had been utterly ransacked.

he had left; he had left you.

that was the feeling of despair.

not even a note in his absence, not an explanation, not a second thought, sirius was gone; and sirius was not ever coming back.

the duration of the winter ‘holidays’ had seemingly passed slower than usual with the absence of your brother, the dismembering two weeks had finally been put on hold on your mind. finally finding the will to get out of your bed and put your mental health back to where it could’ve functioned at a less than normal way, the usual way. except you were sent back onto the hogwarts express only clinging onto the younger brother you had left, mind you he would’ve went off the second he stepped aboard but three seconds with your brother could’ve put you off for nine hours.

there was no will to try, no persuasive black ‘i get what i want’ attitude left churning in your system, the feeling of disgust trembling through your veins that your family would never accept you as long as you remained ‘y/n’ and not ‘y/n black,’ so you had to do what was right to protect regulus. because even though his nurturing feelings were inattentive, you would still do what was necessary to protect him.

if you weren’t the keen resemblance of your family you could’ve believed that you were adopted, having no will to become a follower of the dark lord, and no will to produce dark magic.

yet, you did what you had to do, an action that in no way would have been thought about for you; but you had what the other noble heirs lacked, compassion.

every corner you turned you had no will to search for the gryffindor brunette, your eyes didn’t erratically search for his searing silver irises, you didn’t attempt to decipher the red and gold colours from the green and silver that could’ve been crowded amongst the library, or the great hall. any will you had left for the receiving end of love from your family had utterly vanished.

that was the feeling of dejection.

sirius knew that prior years to hogwarts that you had rapidly searched for him in every single corner, mind you even there was a possibility he wasn’t there; you never faltered, you still gaped intently. it gave him the slight aching pain that he carried with himself, but the viridescent green you wore had him believing that you were simply no better than lucius malfoy or evan rosier.

it began to itch at his neck that you no longer had the need to know if he cared, if he was in the same room as you, if you even had the decree to call him your brother anymore. seemingly, you were always in between the walls of the library, a vermillion, maybe amber hued book sturdy between your hands in your grasp as you flipped the pages.

if you hadn’t shared the infamous last name, people would have never believed the two of you were what you called siblings, twin brother and sister. the epitome prankster, outgoing, and womanizer of hogwarts, the timid, skittish, quiet pureblood slytherin; and they just happened to share the same blood.

the female twin adorned reading, not because each book had different words carved upon its ivory paper, and not because there were hidden messages upon the words she so happen to enjoy deciphering but she loved reading partially because it allowed her to cry over someone else’s sadness when she could no longer identify her own.

her heart left sunken, submerged into somebody else’s misery because her own feelings enough weren’t able to bare.

he was silent for once, his mouth not barking up a laugh with his mates, he wasn’t sauntering around like he owned hogwarts himself, he was timidly walking into the depths of the library that were hidden from students. he was suddenly thoughtless, but his mind was not clear, and now face to face with the ghost of his sister; someone whom he had no intention to know, but now the wave of empathy ridden into his bloodstream as he saw the sudden tears glaze her eyes.

“you— you don’t look for me anymore. i noticed that, you don’t try and, try and look.” he started almost rudely, the first sentence he had ever uttered to his sibling was assumably how she didn’t care for his presence anymore. he was unable to produce many words at his shock, his nimble fingers anxiously shoving themselves into the grey slacks he had boughten for this years semester.

“i tried, at first. but you’re not worth a look anymore, sirius, because everywhere i go, the shadow of you is all i see.” as you contributed your words they only continued to be more broken, and stammered. the whimper in your tone clear as day as you spoke to someone you once called family, and now a sudden stranger.

“you left sirius, you left your sister, you left your brother. you left the people that needed you most because you’re selfish, you were thinking of you, not of us. so you don’t fucking deserve to be considered anymore, you don’t earn my respect on being thought about, sirius,” you were tired, achingly tired of fighting. you were tremendously exhausted of trying to fight for just a tinge of acknowledgments from your family members.

“you knew if you ran and you didn’t take us with you it would get worse, and you did it anyway. that makes you a coward, i guess the sorting hat does make mistakes after all.” you concluded, now wearied from your brother suddenly giving you the time of day when you don’t care to yearn for it anymore. his decisions affecting you single-handedly the most, your emotions no longer considering his aching feelings as his sister dismissed him at the similar treatment you had recurrently received.

“now i’ve got this penetrating, life altering ink on my wrist, because of your foolish actions. i have to pay for it, and a husband awaiting me. so now that you’re going all cry baby on me because i don’t try and find you anymore, you can stick your dreary where it came from because your damage is done.”

he had no thoughts, no words, completely ambushed. his older twin sister, someone whomst he adorned as his role model as a young boy, something he would never admit to as a child due to his stubborn nature, was now a death eater and profused in an arranged marriage because he couldn’t give a thought about his despairing twin. but now sirius had finally revived the raw end of the final emotion,

he had felt the emotion of guilt.

because even though he was trying to scoundrel some effort of empathy towards you the only thing displayed in front of him was the way your eyes spoke a thousand words but no one ever took the time to read them.

he never took time to read them.

“you need to leave— you need to run! w—why are you still there?” he started to hastily question as he peered at you erratically. his mind suddenly starting to boggle with questions as to why you would keep yourself in such a harmful situation, why you wouldn’t just run like he did.

it was simple to you, you weren’t selfish, you weren’t sirius.

“because i cannot leave regulus in that god forsaken house, the dark lord and his pesky followers would find me, and our parents would torture me, and murder me without remorse.” you finished, saying it too him like you had scribbled it upon a paper and practiced reading it every night like you were preparing for an exam, as if you would be questioned and persuaded to leave under the hands of your parents.

“i heard you— with regulus, you wanted to take him but not me. you almost brought him with you to the potters,” you revealed to the gryffindor, finally having the will to tell him clearly, on how he had wronged you in life and that there was absolutely nothing he could do to fix his actions.

“why do you never pick me sirius? why do you not want me as your sister? ‘ve always tried to protect you, why haven’t you done the same?!” at first your tone was monotone, almost dead but as your words continued your patience grew shorter and your rage grew larger.

your hand further having to clasp over your mouth by the end of your sentence before your classmates would’ve have gotten curious, and nosy at the altercation that was happening between the death eater and the disowned behind the shelves.

“i don’t— i don’t know, i just, s’different.” he was left thinking in confusion as to why he treated you differently, maybe it’s because you were the eldest, maybe you were female and in his eyes you possibly resembled his mother, maybe he had absolutely no idea as to why he treated you different.

“you dont— you don’t know? suddenly when i don’t give a shit about you, your yearning for your older sisters love. well guess what sirius, you’re not going to get it. your damage is done and there’s nothing to reverse it; so bugger off with your gryffindor mates, and your new family. if you want regulus to have a decent life from what he can live left, take him now before they take him too.” you concluded,

your first and last conversation occurring with your brother, several words left unsaid as you left him dumbfounded in the library, feeling the shoulder on shoulder collision as you left.

breathe in, breathe out. simple, again, again, again. the valley of tears were almost screaming at your waterline to let loose, to cry, to scream, to do something, anything. perhaps instead, you stood astonishingly still inside the girls lavatory, thinking, just thinking.

‘what did i do in my past life to deserve this now’ it was a simple and clear question, one that could never be answered, one without an explanation.

but yet you yearned for such a simple, yet complicated answer, maybe in another life sirius had the will to know you, your parents had the decree to love you, and maybe you weren’t sent down a path of affliction.

but that was another life, it wasn’t yours.

time went by, seconds, minutes, hours, weeks and years. they flew by, and now you were no longer that sixteen year old girl. you were eighteen, dressed in ivory with a small train at your feet, makeup painted on your eyelids, a small veil placed onto your head and your hands throughly squeezed in another’s; with the dreadful matching injected ink into your inner left fore-arms.

as the years had flew to that moment, lost was a lovely place to find yourself, but it simply wasn’t enough; it would never be enough. you had to wear the mask, ever noble heir of black had their own personal one, the one that covered every detailed flaw of you.

because after watching both of your brother’s, your supposed nurturers, your protectors, the ones that were suppose to love each and every bit of your aching soul left, you never realized how strong you had to be until being strong was your only choice that remained.

because in essence happiness is just blissful delusion, that esentially wouldn’t last forever no matter how exceedingly much you pleaded to merlin for it too last a second, maybe a minute if you were lucky.

but noble heirs of black weren’t lucky, they were cursed. and now you were finally brought upon to carry the tradition your children would be barred with, now carrying the last name of ‘dolohov.’

still remembering clear as day, like the sun was beaming into your viewpoint that one conversation you had shared with sirius in the library. the despairing love still left in your heart for your brother, your brother who stood up for regulus.

no matter how much they dismissed you as their protector, as their sister, as someone who loved them, you would always carry love for them in your trembling heart. after the amount of curses you took in their place, the screaming threats, the weeps from both of your brothers that stained your clothes, the times you had to face your parents in their absence.

you still had love for them, even if it wasn’t returned.

perhaps someday when you found the courage you crawl back home, beaten, defeated, maybe half dead. but not as long as you could remember the mark of family embedded into your heart, and your arm.

the noble heir’s of black, imprisoned, dead, and married off.

taglist: @fific7 @wisedreamcatcher @kittykylax @ronbrokemyheart @aspiringsloth20 @georgeswh0re @amourtentiaa @msmb @fangouria @five-cups-of-coffee @dracofknmalfoy @emmaev @serenitywilderness @artemis1orion @sirius-animagus @famdomhideout @hufflepogue @kirascottage @luvvninaz @miraclesoflove @black-like-my-soul

[alecxaheart]

Sunshower | Lee Felix Oneshot

✎ Genre : Friends to Lovers AU, Idol AU, Fluff, Angst

✎ Pairings : Lee Felix X Reader

✎ Word Count : 2.5k words

✎ Synopsis : We all know that sunshines together with the rainfall makes a rainbow. And that is exactly like how you fell for the freckled sunshine.

✎ Warnings : Explicit Language

✎. . . Sudden change of plans for the title. :P Enjoy!

In an early afternoon, Felix had to stop by for lunch at this wonderful bakery near the Hangang Park. Where they serve many delicacies such as bars, breads, desserts, cookies, muffins, and more. His personal favorite was their fudgy brownie bites, so favored that he's inspired to make one of his own.

As soon as he opened the door to the bakery, he felt the stress he had from practice a while ago were completely relieved. The bakery gave off a warm welcome when he stepped in. Contrasting to the cold breeze of autumn outside. The aroma of newly baked goods lingered around the room that it felt like Felix's being lured immediately to the cashier. It almost smelled like heaven, thought of Felix.

The moment that he got his desired lunch in his hands, he took a seat near the window. He savored each bite of the pastry, eyes rolling to the back of his head at it's deliciousness. Although a ring from his phone interrupted him from his feast.

" Oi Felix, " Chan greeted as soon as he answered his call. Felix first dabbed his mouth with the provided tissue before replying to Chan, " What's up? ".

While he's into the conversation with his friend, something – or rather someone on the streets captured his eyes. You were aimlessly running after a piece of paper caught in the wind. The breeze carrying locks of your silk hair. Your eyes reflecting the sun and eyebrows knitted as you continue to struggle. When the time that you've had it in your hold came, you accidentally slipped on the autumn leaves. Causing you to painfully land on your butt. A groan fell out of your lips as you rubbed your butt to ease the pain. All of the commotion that Felix saw from you made him break out a giggle, which left his friend confused on the other line.

" Ah yeah, yeah. Let's defo have a barbie this arvo. "

Felix thought that you were adorable.

" (Y/N)? " Called out by the person on the other line as soon as you picked up the call. Your phone was pressed against your right ear while you continued searching for the remote underneath the pillows. It surely has been a while since the last time you interacted with your boyfriend, Park Jongsuk, and God knows how much you missed him. Just hearing his soothing voice at this moment sent butterflies into your stomach. His voice is enough for you to make your day better. " Yes, love? " You asked, smiling to yourself. Also noticing how his tone sounded more requesting. As much as you wanted to beam at him a ' good afternoon ' and ask how is he, you decided not to.

Once you've found the remote to your television, you turned the volume down so that your conversation with him wouldn't be interrupted. You've been just passing some time by watching Netflix for about a week now. Actually, not only for passing time but it is even for avoiding yourself to overthink your current situation - especially about your relationship status with Jongsuk.

" Could we.. " He first trailed off for a moment, contemplating if he should persist with the plan. " Could we meet up later? " That question alone made you joyful and excited, smiling from ear to ear. You give him your enthusiastic approval before ending your call by telling one another that you're both anticipating for your meet up. Turning off the television, you were off to your room to fix yourself. Afterall, this is your first meet up with him ever since the day you were parted by long distance — that's been like roughly 8 months. Him achieving his dreams as a model and actor, away from your home country, Australia. He did brought you with him though. The first months you shared the same apartment, every moment filled with happiness and love.

That is until everything drifted apart. It began with him moving to a dorm nearby and supported by his Entertainment. His weekend visits turned to none at all. Everything that became a habit with him vanished one by one. Leaving you only with memories. But it seems like today's the day you'll start to get everything back.

Oh how you are so oblivious to your bittersweet fate.

Arriving to the said location, Hangang Park. It runs through thousands of miles and has many parks along the way. An environment friendly place for people to enjoy nature, sports, foods, entertainments, fountains, and more. You personally just adore how comforting it is to be there and to have a breath-taking sight of Han River, especially at night. Every locals and tourists savor their time to be here the same as you do. Although as of today, you couldn't help but notice that the park isn't as packed as it usually is.

You sat down on a nearby bench, waiting for Jongsuk to make an appearance. He did told you to come in the late afternoon and you did get there in time. Leaning onto the bench, you let out a sigh. Eyes finding itself staring at the sky covered with gray clouds. The cold wind crashing into your figure, making you shiver. You were sure that you checked today's weather forecast before leaving your household, told you that it'll just be a cloudy day.

Children's hearty laughs soon began turning to murmurs and whispers. The sound of silverware and plates clinking rang through your ears. It sounded like the family's starting to pack up and clean up their picnic space. " Come on, let's go! " Called out by a woman in her late 20's, assumming that she's the mother. You grew anxious when you noticed how everyone seemed to abandon you alone. Why is everybody departing out of the blue? You've just arrived.

" (Y/N), " You heard your own name being mentioned and it came from  behind you. Recognizing the owner of the cordial tone of his voice, you turned around to meet a pair of eyes wearing misty gray contact lenses. Seeing him washed away all of your worries. Your heart's about to instantly jump out of your chest due to the fact that it's filled with pure happiness. Unconsciously smiling brightly at him.

" Love! " Running towards him, you hugged his tall form securely. Mumbling the words, " I missed you. "

However, to your surprise, he never returned the hug. In fact, Jongsuk gently removed your arms around his waist. " (Y/N), I missed you too, " He started, crouching a little bit to face you better. " Although I have something to tell you. Something important, that's why I came. " Something's starting to creep into your guts. As if it's warning you that there's something off about today. He stated that but he never smiled back at you ever since he made an appearance. Plus, he always addresses you by your real name. Not your shared endearment which is strange.

You hummed in response, your smile slowly fading from your lips. " What is it? " Jongsuk saw how your eyes sparkled with hope. He knows that you're yearning for him to tell you that your gut feeling is wrong. Which made him more guilty for what he's about to do.

" (Y/N), let's.. " He hesitated, hating the fact that he has to see you in this state. However, he does know better for what's best for the both of you. " Let's end this here. " To be better off with someone else. Those words were enough to shatter your heart into million of pieces. Your face fully turning into a gloomy countenance with a hint of confusion. Your lips starting to quiver. For a second, you were frozen into place. You dislike how you couldn't control yourself right now.

" I'm sorry, we just didn't work out anymore. " He continued. Thoughts were flooded with denial, that this is happening at this very moment or you must've misheard everything. But no, Jongsuk's facial expression says it all.

" I understand, " Your voice sounded brittle, holding back the tears. Pity is one of the things that's written on his face. That's the least thing you wanted from anyone, to pity you. As if it's telling that you're incapable of overcoming the worst situations in life, that you're fragile and being belittled. And you clearly despise it. " I'll take my leave now. "

With that, you walked away from him. Your arms found itself wrapping around your own figure, trying your best to calm down. Your mixed emotions of fury and agony almost getting the best of you. Although each second that's passing is killing you. Heart aching, lips quivering, you were just in the worst state ever. And once that first tear broke free, the rest followed in an unbroken stream. Resulting you to run away aimlessly. To wherever your feet may take you.

One drop, two drops fell from the skies that made you slow down until you come to a total halt. You looked up to the sky, seeing it covered with dark clouds. A droplet landed on your cheek, a simple gesture from the heavens of wiping off your tears and you'd like to think of it that way. It wasn't long after the drizzle transitioned to a downpour. As if the heavens are crying and mourning with one of its beloved (you) at what tragedy it witnessed. Unfortunately, you haven't brought your umbrella with you due to the fact that you believed at the false weather forecast. So, you let yourself get drenched in the rain. Not giving any piece of shit about the aftermath. You're currently already exhausted and under the weather.

You closed your eyes, body shivering to the cold air being left out from under the showering water. For a few minutes, you stayed there. Not even minding any comments from the people passing by. That is until you didn't feel the rain landing on your body out of the blue. Strange that you could feel a warm presence to your right. However, you could still hear water coming in contact with the pavement.

When you've parted your eyelids, you were greeted by a black fabric instead of gray clouds. " G'day mate, " A familiar deep voice laced with Australian accent greeted. Glancing to your left, he beamed a sweet smile at you. It was as warm, bright and blinding as the sunshine that it could possibly change the whole weather. To be honest, he's the least man you expected to see today since you thought he's as busy as your ex-boyfriend was.

Lee Felix.

" You know you'll get ill with what you're doing and that's least thing I wanna know from my mate. So, that's defo a no no from me, " He pointed out, handing you his umbrella. You timidly accepted it anyway, hand brushing pass his warm ones. Eyes instantly staring at the wet pavement as soon as it's in your grasp. Sighing, Felix took his jacket off and placed it on top of your shoulders. He also handed you a handkerchief after that, receiving a small thank you from you. Then took the umbrella handle back into his grip.

" You know, your ex-boyfriend's a dick, " That being stated by Felix, you let out a belly laugh while drying your face. Seeing your face lit up also made him laugh with you. Ever since the beginning, you both just clicked when Jongsuk first introduced him to you. The time one of you spoke the first " Aussie, Aussie, Aussie! " call, you felt the connection between the two of you while harmonizing at " Oi, Oi, Oi! ". And honestly, he's better at handling long distance friendships than your ex-boyfriend was. He made sure that he gives time for your friendship despite of his busy schedule from being an Idol. Which is impressive because that's just friendship, what more if he's in a relationship?

" I'm sorry, it's just – That came out from you very unexpectedly. I never saw that coming but I like the change. " You chuckled, now walking down the streets with Felix.

" Well, it's still true though, " Felix began, taking out his favorite fudgy brownies he bought from Sunny's. " How could he be so impatient and ghosted you for straight 8 months? And love is known to be patient. He let himself get defeated just by distance. " He took a bite at the brownie, chewing it thoroughly before continuing. " I even heard rumors of him and this make-up artist from his drama recently. "

" What the fuck, " You cursed under your breath, the last part surprising you. Avoiding the chances of you overthinking, you shook your head then changed the topic. " So you're admitting that you've been spying on me, huh? "

" Hey, it's not my fault that I was at Sunny's because my stomach's craving again for those pastries when I witnessed it, " Felix defended, earning a hum as a response from you.

" Though, it felt like I was watching a K-drama, " He jokingly added which ended with you smacking him upside the head playfully.

Reaching back home, you invited Felix for dinner and he gladly accepted the offer. As long as you agreed to his terms of conditions. Let him play League Of Legends on your PC and buffalo wings for dinner.

Coming out of the bathroom fully dressed and hair slightly damped, you saw Felix already busy playing on your PC. The headphones plugged into his ears. You're probably gonna kill him if you found out that he gave you a losing streak. Leaving the room, you went down to the kitchen. Preparing his desired meal. As you were doing so, you occasionally heard faint screams from upstairs which made you chuckle. It was quite odd how well Felix knows to immediately make your day better. Like as if nothing, no tragedy, ever happened earlier.

By the time you called Felix for dinner, he dashed down the flight of stairs and towards the dining area. His eyes sparkled and mouth almost drooling at the delicious sight plus taste of the meal. He didn't hesitate to dig in, taking one into his lips and you followed. While eating, Felix's eyes landed on a picture frame unintentionally, making him glare at it. " You should find someone better, " He suggested, his chocolate orbs meeting your own.

When you're always this close to him, you could see his charming points well. From his distinctive features to his gorgeous freckles. You still continued to believe that it was a constellation map drawn by the Gods so that people could never forget what the heavens looked like especially on cloudy days like today. It must've took a lot of patience, dedication and love to sculpt him. How blessed he is to be one of God's greatest masterpiece. Maybe, the heavens loves you so much that they sent him for you. Afterall, the heavens did show affection to you in a form of rainfall.

" Yeah, as if there's someone as better as you. " You murmured while continuing to feast onto the meal. However, Felix heard it clearly.

" Hmm.. " Felix pondered for a moment, chin resting on top of his hands. " Too bad there's only one of me. "

" Although this one does like you. "

End.

[spider6oy]

This is on you || JJ Maybank

summary: y/n and jj had been best friends for many years and had always been there for each other. but what happens when jj gets a new girlfriend and y/n finally comes to realise what has been happening between her and jj all these years. based on the song ‘this is on you’ by maisie peters because i am an absolute slut for her

Warnings: swearing, bad writing

word count: 3.2k

Your sleep was currently being disturbed by an incessant tapping at your bedroom window. At first, you had only thought it to be a tree branch raking against the window from the wind – you honestly didn’t think much of it. Living in North Carolina, you were used to the strong winds making things bash into the side of your house (or in this case; your bedroom window). With that thought in mind; you gripped the duvet cover, rolled over, and went back to sleep almost instantly.

Almost.

The tapping quickly became much more constant, almost never-ending, which lead you to assume that this in fact was not a tree branch in the wind but was something else. You let out a frustrated groan as you threw the covers away from your body and swung your legs over the side of the bed. You felt a scowl set upon your features as you marched over towards your bedroom window, feeling goose bumps rise on your skin as you walked across the cold wooden floor.

You couldn’t really think who would be knocking at your bedroom window at 3 o’clock in the morning – 3 in the morning?! Everyone you knew would either be asleep right now or at their own homes, there was no real reason for anyone to be at your bedroom window. You huffed lightly as you gripped the chord for the shade and yanked it; revealing who was outside your window.

Your eyes widened slightly, and your lips parted as you watched JJ, who you now realised was responsible for the tapping, wave at you through the glass and send you a dopey smile. You remained stunned, your hand hadn’t even let go of the shade chord, as you simply stared down at JJ.

You couldn’t believe it, quite honestly. You simply could not believe that he was stood outside of your window right now – at 3am, did I mention?

You hadn’t actually seen JJ for just over a month. At first, it had felt like your entire world was falling apart. What were you supposed to do without him? He was one of the most important people in your life; if not the most important person. Everything you had ever done; JJ had always been by your side – and you had thought that that would never change. Not in a million years did you expect him to be missing from your life. But it happened. He was in your life one day and gone the next.

It had all started when he had met this random touron at a kegger. Her name was Amber. She was pretty with her blonde hair and blue eyes. When you had first noticed her, you could have sworn that she was a real-life Barbie doll. She looked perfect (you could understand why JJ had started speaking to her).

But honestly, you didn’t even bat an eyelash at the pair. Why would you? This was typical JJ behaviour. Find an attractive girl, woo her with his good looks and dazzling charm, have sex with her, and then move on to the next poor unfortunate soul. It was practically like clockwork.

So, you could imagine how surprised you were to see the blonde girl sitting on John B’s couch (with a beer in her hand, laughing at something JJ had said) when you had arrived that afternoon. You had shot questioning glances at your fellow Pogues and received just as confused expressions from them back. You were all entirely perplexed and couldn’t help but wonder; what had this girl done to JJ?

Anyway, it quickly became apparent that Amber was not going anywhere anytime soon (much to your disdain) because for the next week and-a-half; everywhere JJ went so did Amber. It was as if they couldn’t live without each other. They had practically become joined at the hip. Every single boat trip, dinner at The Wreck, kegger, or whatever the group had planned to do for that day; Amber was always there. It quickly became impossible to separate the two.

And of course, you didn’t like it. You absolutely fucking hated it. You had basically lost your best friend overnight without so much as a warning. A quick ‘Hey, can I borrow JJ and. . . never give him back?’ would have been much appreciated on your end. But you hadn’t lost him entirely.

No, you still got to see him. . . and Amber. And, you still got to talk to him. . . and Amber. So, could you really complain?

(I mean, yes. Yes, you could complain. And you would complain. But only to the Pogues, and only when JJ wasn’t around (which was becoming more and more of a regular thing)).

Yet, you couldn’t help but feel guilty. You felt guilty for the fact that your best friend, who barely got a chance at happiness in his shitty life, had finally found someone that made him feel happy. You felt guilty that you couldn’t just be happy for him too. You felt guilty that you couldn’t push your own selfish opinions and emotions to the side, at the benefit of your best friend. You felt guilty for not being a good friend.

So that’s what you did. You pushed those thoughts and feelings to the side and replaced them with only the happiness you felt for JJ. And it worked. You no longer felt irritation and anger when you looked over at the pair, wishing that Amber would somehow just disappear and never return. Instead, you could only smile softly at the couple now, loving how JJ’s eyes seemed to be filled with pure joy and his smile never seemed to drop.

Only that didn’t last long. It was maybe two days later when JJ was knocking at your front door. You remember your smile widening as you noticed he was alone (for the first time in forever), wondering if maybe your JJ had finally returned, and if Amber had gone back to whatever hovel she had come from. But your smile quickly faltered as you noticed his nervous demeanour. He was constantly nibbling at the corner of his lip, fingers fiddling with his rings, and his eyes couldn’t seem to meet yours.

You had quickly questioned what was wrong with him. Your own nerves were beginning to get the better of you, your grip on your front door tightening as you waited for his response. Your heartbeat began to quicken, and you could feel your palms becoming clammy as he awkwardly stuttered out what he had to say. You remembered tears welling in the corners of your eyes and your throat becoming impossibly tight as you couldn’t believe what he was telling you.

He didn’t want to see you anymore.

He didn’t want to be your friend anymore.

He didn’t want you anymore.

You had thought he was lying. You nervously laughed it off (holding back the tears) and shook your head, claiming that he must have been joking. Your lip quivered as you watched him shake his head and repeat his words, stating how he didn’t want to see you again and that you shouldn’t try to call him or talk to him from now on. He awkwardly turned on his foot, sending you one last pitiful glance, and walked back towards where you noticed John B’s van was parked.

And guess who was sat in the front seat?

Your sadness and despair at the loss of your best friend quickly transformed into anger and hatred towards him. How could he just dump you like that? Like you didn’t mean anything? How could he act as if your friendship meant nothing to him? As if 10 years of friendship equivalated to fucking zilch?! How could he choose her over you? How could he choose some blonde touron that he didn’t even know last month over his closest friend and ally?!

You were utterly destroyed by the whole thing. Honestly you were. You had never quite felt a pain like it before. It was as if someone had plunged their hand into your chest and physically ripped your heart straight out from within your body, squeezing it in their palm until all of the life had drained from it. This left you feeling empty and hollow. This left you feeling as though you had lost your sense of identity within the world. Who were you without JJ?

The next couple of weeks were quite possibly some of the worst weeks you had ever experienced in your life. The Pogues would visit almost every day; which made the passing time a little bit easier. All of them were completely enraged by what JJ had done. He hadn’t decided to cut them out of his life as of yet, but that didn’t mean that they wanted to be a part of it. They would always cuss JJ out for what he did, cursing him under their breath.

But you all knew who the sole culprit for JJ’s actions was – and this is what angered you the most.

Because you had given her a chance. You had started to put your own feelings aside and respect the relationship that JJ was developing. . . but, she obviously couldn’t do the same for you.

With all of this newfound time on your hands, you couldn’t help but think. What else was there to do? So, you thought. You thought back to all of the times you had spent with JJ; talking over your feelings together, helping and comforting each other through tough times in your lives, making each other laugh when all either of you had wanted to do was cry.

But, as you continued to think over all of those times, you suddenly came upon a thought. It was like some sort of fucking epiphany. You felt like someone had literally just smacked you right across the face and had woken you up from a sort of mad-daze because, when you actually thought back to all of those times you had spent with JJ, consoling and empathizing, he had never actually done the same for you.

Not once.

You couldn’t help but let out a laugh (the first sign of positivity you had shown in a few days). Your hands reached up to cup your cheeks as more and more dumfounded chuckles and giggles seemed to leave your lips, laughing at your own blindness and stupidity. You fell backwards onto your bed and stared up at the ceiling above you, finally feeling a sense of clarity. You finally felt like the fog that had inhabited your mind for so long had finally been cleared away.

Because you quickly came to realise that you did not need JJ. JJ needed you.

“Uh, hey Y/N.”

You couldn’t deny that your heart ached slightly at the sight before you. His eyes were puffy, his nose running slightly, and his cheeks seemed flushed whilst the rest of his face seemed to blanch in comparison. You couldn’t help but internally curse yourself for pitying him upon one single glance. You had been pitying the boy for so long that it was practically second nature at this point.

“JJ.” You greeted, but it came out as more of statement. As if you were confirming to yourself that JJ was actually outside of your bedroom right now.

He bit his lip as his eyes looked past you and into your bedroom, “Can I come in? I just. . . I just really need to talk to you right now.” His eyes travelled back towards you and captured your own in a pleading gaze.

You looked away from his stare, boring holes into the windowsill below you. You knew what he was trying to do – it was obvious for anyone to see. He was trying to pick up from where he had left off with you. Where he would show up at your house, teary-eyed and a blubbering mess, expect you to listen to his struggles and calm him down with your warm embrace. Because that was what you had always done.

People had always told you that you were caring, that you had the kind of loving touch that would make even the most hysterical and rowdiest of people settled with a single glance. And you had always thought that it was a good thing. You had always had a sense of pride when it came to your empathy because you liked helping people, and you wanted to help people. But you had come to learn that people could (and would) take advantage of your kindness and use it to their own advantage, and you didn’t want that anymore.

“No.”

You looked up from your windowsill and stared straight into JJ’s widened and shocked eyes. You could instantly tell that he hadn’t been expecting that from you (neither had you in all honesty).

His mouth bobbed open and closed whilst his eyebrows furrowed, eyes flickering all over your face as if he were trying to find an ounce deceit. “N-No? What-What do you mean, no? Like. . . like, no?”

You gripped at your windowsill, your heart hammering in your chest. You had never been one for confrontation or telling people exactly how you felt. You had always been too wary and scared of hurting anyone’s feelings; you were a proper softy at heart. Your worst nightmare had always been the thought of hurting someone, or worse; hurting those closest to you.

But, honestly, enough was enough.

“Yes, ‘No’ JJ. No, you can’t come in. I’m sorry.” You voice came out with a slight waver to it; you were not feeling confident in that moment at all and all you wanted to do was shut your bedroom window and hide under the blankets on your bed.

JJ, still utterly perplexed, stepped forward until he was directly beneath your window. He stretched up onto the tips of his toes and held onto the window edge for some form of support. “But I really need you right now, Y/N. Amber, she-um. . . she, uh, she broke up with me. And I couldn’t think of anywhere else to go because I always come to you in situations like these, you know?”

You nodded your head. Of course, you knew.

You wet your lips as you pushed a hand through your hair, trying to think of the words to say. You knew that you didn’t want to hurt JJ, after all he had just broken up with Amber. But you also knew that you couldn’t keep doing this to yourself, you had already been drained of so much.

“Listen, JJ, I am really sorry that Amber broke up with you. I really am because I knew how much you liked her. But, I can’t help you right now and. . . I don’t think I ever will.”

That really made him start to panic. You could see it all over his face; his eyes had widened, his face paled even more, and you could see him start to become much more jittery.

“Wha-What? Ever..huh, um, ever? Y/N, you’re not making any sense right now? What do you mean ever? Do you. . . do you now want to help me, or something?” His words were leaving his mouth in a rush and it all just seemed to scream fear and dread. He knew that he was losing you, and he couldn’t have that.

What was he supposed to do without his shoulder to cry on?

You sighed lightly, kneeling down on your floor so that you were much closer to JJ now. “I do want to help you JJ. I have always wanted to help you and be there for you when you needed me most.” You could see a spark of hope glisten in the corner of his bright blue eyes, most likely thinking you were reconsidering his invitation into your bedroom. “But I’ve been doing that for the past ten years, and honestly? I can’t do it anymore.”

You watched as JJ slowly reclined back onto the balls of his feet, snatching his hands away from the sill; obviously not wanting to be anywhere near you.

You couldn’t deny that that had hurt.

“This is such bullshit, Y/N! You’re supposed to be my best friend, and best friends are meant to be there for each other! We’re supposed to help each other through these types of things!” JJ’s voice had raised a couple of notches, making you reel back slightly from the harsh tone.

You couldn’t help but feel a sense of anger at his words. Was he being serious right now? His accusations were entirely hypocritical. He was straight up accusing you of not being a good friend, of not supporting him through the toughest of times, when all this time he had been doing exactly that.

Frankly, it was all a major piss-take in your opinion.

You scoffed, your eyes narrowing into slits as you felt the built-up anger and frustration finally break through to the surface. “And I have! I have helped you through everything, for so fucking long, JJ. I have always been there for you. When the Kooks would rile you up, I was the one who would calm you down. When your father would beat the living shit out of you, I was the one who would patch up your wounds. And when the anniversary of your mom came around, I would always be the one who’s shoulder you would cry on. You cannot call me a bad friend, JJ. I will not let you call me a bad friend, no fucking way, because the only person who has been a bad friend this entire time; is you.”

Your chest heaved as you took a deep inhale of breath. You couldn’t help but feel like weight was being lifted from your shoulders. It was as if this is what you had been waiting to say all these years but had never truly been able to grasp at the idea. These words had been buried deep inside of you for so long and your break from JJ had finally allowed for them to come to the surface.

“You dumped me JJ. You left me, your supposed best friend of ten years, for some random touron girl who you had barely even known for two weeks! Who fucking does that, JJ?!”

You leant forward, your head slightly protruding out of your window. You wanted JJ to hear every word that you had to say. You wanted him to understand what you had gone through. You wanted him to understand what he had put you through.

“So, when you need someone to cry to and you can’t think of anyone because you fucked up what you had with me; just know that this is all on you, JJ. All of this, everything that has happened, is on your shoulders.”

You noticed how JJ’s jaw seemed to clench as your words left your lips. You could tell that he was trying to hold himself together. He was trying not to fall apart right there in front of you because for the first time ever, he knew you would not pick up the pieces.

“This is your bed JJ, you made it,” You leant back from the sill, standing up and grasping onto the window as you readied yourself to finally close it and put an end to everything between you and JJ – this was it. “Now, lie in it.”

-

tagged: @5am-cigarette thank you for giving me the idea 💖

[patagucci34]

Be Together? Vince Dunn

Warnings: swearing, self-esteem/body image issues, but nothing too serious! 

Word Count: 3.4k 

You and Vince had been hooking up for a while now. If you were being honest, you had no idea why it was even happening. You weren’t his usual type, not the gorgeous Instagram models that he was seeing and although you didn’t talk about stuff like that with each other, it’s all you could think about.

You had met through Sammy, he was one of your oldest friends and so naturally, you had spent a lot of time with Vince too. It wasn’t long after you had met that you started hooking up, you both had made it clear that it would just be a friends with benefits type deal. Especially since his hot shot, superstar status was rising quickly. Surprisingly, you had made all these years without anything going awry.

You always had a soft spot for him, and naturally feelings developed. But you had always been able to just live with it because you liked what you had going, you didn’t want to complicate things, and you never thought that he would feel the same way. Especially when he had these gorgeous women at his beck and call.

You spent a lot of time trying to figure out why you were still having sex when he did have these women around. You chalked it up to convenience and maybe the fact that it was good? It was always really good for you, and you thought that it was good for him but you didn’t know how these other girls were in bed.

For the most part it was strictly friends with benefits. You didn’t do too much together that was “couple like,” but you were very good friends. Most of the time when you hung out it was with Sammy and some of the guys. You texted some, mostly just snap chatted when he was on the road and wanted to sext, but what got you the most was all of the pillow talk. Before, after...it didn’t really matter. He was so sweet with you, that’s when you talked about your families, friends, deep dark secrets, fears, just about anything. That’s how you became so close. For you, he was really the only one that ever stayed the night and through the next morning. You knew Vince’s M.O. wasn’t to have people stay but you were sure there were a few girls that did with him. When you first started hooking up you did it quite often. As time went on it was more sparse, mostly when neither of you had anyone to go home with, or if it was just convenient.

You were aware that you were really kind of his last resort most of the time. It was shitty but you just tried not to think about it that way because you liked hooking up with him and in some ways you did the same thing to him. Although you had canceled on a few guys once Vince reached out which you were sure he would never do for you.

Nights out could be tricky. If you had someone to go home with then you didn’t spend the night trying to suppress your jealous feelings when Vince was with another girl. But when he was going home with someone else and you didn’t have anyone, it was tough for you to watch. But you just had to grin and bear it because you were just friends.

Remarkably enough, for a long time no one really knew about you and Vince besides your friends and the team. You were thankful for that because you knew how much hate girls that hook up with players usually get. You had seen your fair share of bunny blogs and you wanted to keep your name out of them. However, that ended when someone spotted you two kissing outside of a club one night. Rumors started flying, hateful comments came rolling in, but of course Vince didn’t really pay any attention or even noticed what was happening. You knew it wasn’t his fault, and you weren’t mad at him, but you were definitely upset and unfortunately mostly taking it out on him.

You decided to just distance yourself a bit, not be the one to reach out first, avoid him at gatherings...you weren’t really sure why because you knew that wasn’t going to do anything, but it made you feel better, at least you thought it did. It got worse when you were at a game with Sammy’s girlfriend, Amy, and the girls in front of you were talking about you. You were sure they didn’t know you were there, but up until that point, you just had to read about how fat you were and you had no chance of competing with the girls after Vince, you didn’t have to hear it in person. You didn’t want them to win so you promised yourself you would stay at the game, but you’d opt out of going out with the team after. You tried to scoot out after the game but Amy pulled you down to the locker room so it was nearly impossible to get out of it. You tried your best but Sammy wouldn’t allow it.

So that’s how you ended up miserable in a booth, watching Vince dance with some tall, skinny, blonde, who also just happened to be one of the lovely girls who was talking about you. If you were going to make it through the night you were going to need lots of alcohol so you were pounding vodka sodas. You had just gone to get another one and were heading back to the booth when someone stopped in front of you and took it out of your hand.

“Don’t you think you’ve had enough?” You glared up when you saw that it was Vince and tried to grab it but he held it over your head.

“Give it back.” You said, not so smoothly as you stumbled a bit as you tried to reach for it.

“You’re wasted, y/n/n. You’re done.”

“No I’m not, I'm fine.”

“I’ve been watching you all night, you’ve had about 6 of these.”

You rolled your eyes, “Vince, not tonight please. Just give me the drink and go back to your little barbie doll.”

“Is that what this is about?”

“Is what about?”

“Why you’ve been ignoring me and why you’re completely obliterated tonight?”

“Wow, obliterated, that’s a big word.”

“What the fuck, y/n? Why are you acting like this?” He asked, dragging you to a quiet corner. You really didn’t want to get into it here, especially not while you were this drunk, and you really didn’t want to cry in the club so you tried to end the conversation.

“I’m sorry, I just wasn’t in the mood tonight but Sammy dragged me here anyway. I’m just gonna go.”

You tried to walk away but he grabbed your arm. “Not alone, you’re not.” “Let go of me.”

“No, you’re too drunk to be going home alone.”

“I’m going to Uber.”

“Not by yourself!”

“Yes, by myself. You can’t tell me what to do, Vince.” With that, you pulled your arm out of his grasp and stalked off. You didn’t check to see if he was following you because you were sure he was and you didn’t want to slow down any and have him catch up to you.

You made it outside of the club and down a block before you felt a hand on your shoulder. “Y/n,” he said softly, “will you please tell me what’s wrong?”

You turned around to face him, you contemplated what you were going to say next, and just as you were about to start, you saw the girl trailing behind him.

“Just forget it, you’re an ass.”

He made a move to try and stop you but you shut him down. “Don’t.” With tears streaming down your face you turned and walked away.

When you finally made it home, you had a bunch missed calls and texts. A few from Vince but mostly from Sammy and Amy. You were too tired to listen to the voicemails and read through all of the texts so you just sent a text to Sammy telling him that you were home and you would talk to him later. After that, you shut your phone off and cried yourself to sleep.

The next day you woke up with a pounding headache. You sighed as you remembered last night's events, not wanting to deal with it you turned over and buried your head in the pillow for a few more minutes.

Once you had accepted that you weren't going to fall back asleep you got up and went to make a cup of coffee. You sat down on the couch and went through all of the text and voicemails from the night before.

You looked through Sammy’s texts first.

Okay... are you okay? What happened? Vince said you seemed really upset.

I'm coming over tomorrow morning whether you like it or not.

You rolled your eyes but texted him back telling him that you'd be here and he could come anytime.

You went through Vince texts next.

What was that all about?

Will you please let me know when you're home?

I'm really worried about you, y/n/n.

Can we talk tomorrow?

You were going to wait to respond. You weren't quite ready to talk to him, maybe after Sammy comes you'll text him back.

Your stomach growled and right as you moved to get up and make something Sammy called you.

"Hey, Sammy." You greeted softly.

"How are you?"

"I'm okay."

"Can I come over in a few?"

"Yeah, I was just about to make something for breakfast."

"I was gonna stop at Henderson's, do you want me to bring you a sandwich?"

"That would be great."

"Alright, I'll see you in a little bit."

"Thanks, Sammy."

You sat back down on the couch and turned on the TV while you waited for Sammy to come over. Your phone dinged and you saw another text from Vince.

Please text me back, y/n/n. I want to talk to you.

You sighed as you contemplated what to do. It really wasn't super fair of you to be ignoring him, he didn't really do anything wrong. You finally decided to text him back.

Sammy is coming over, but maybe later?

You didn't have to wait long for a response.

Alright, just let me know. Are you okay?

That's a pretty loaded question, Vince. But yeah, I'm fine. I'll see you later.

As soon as you put your phone down Sammy walked through the door. You stood up to help him with the bags he had in his arms and you walked into the kitchen. As soon as he set everything down he pulled you in for a hug. Once he let you go you both went and sat on the couch and started talking about what happened.

You told him what he already knew, that you had feelings for Vince and that you had been able to handle them but once people got wind of the two of you people had been so nasty towards you. You told him about the girl at the game and how she ended up being the one with him last night.

"I just don't know what to do anymore, Sammy. I really like hanging out with Vince but I just can't do this anymore, I can't keep doing this to myself. I know that he cares about me and I know that it's a little more than just a hookup, but I'm never going to be enough for him, and I can't keep putting myself through this kind of stuff. It's not fair to either of us."

"I'm sorry, y/n/n. I hate that you feel this way."

"It's okay, I knew what I was getting into, I've let it go on for 4 years so…”

“I think that you should talk to Vince before you make any decisions.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know, I mean, you haven’t actually told him about these feelings, and I think it would be worthwhile for you two to have this conversation. You don’t know what he’s feeling or what he’ll say.”

“Well, he’s coming over later I guess.”

“Good. I think you should tell him exactly what you just told me.”

“I know, I just…I don’t want to hear what I know he’s going to say.”

“What do you mean?”

“There’s a part of me that really hopes if I tell him this stuff that he’ll feel the same, but I know deep down that he doesn’t and I just know that I’m going to be crushed. That’s why I want the end to be on my terms.”

“I get that, y/n/n, I really do. But I think you should talk to him.”

“Do you know something that I don’t?”

“No, I just think you’ll regret it if you don’t.”

You sighed and sat back against the couch, “I know...you’re right.”

Sammy patted your thigh, “it’ll be alright. And if things don’t go your way, then it will give you the chance to start moving on.”

You put your head on his shoulder and he pulled you in close. You sat like that for a little bit before focusing back on your food and talking about other things.

He hung out for a few more hours and then left so you could have Vince over. You texted him a little bit after Sammy left and he replied right away saying he’d be over in a few.

You started to get nervous. You were honestly kind of embarrassed about your outburst last night and you didn’t want to have to face him. But you weren’t left too much time to dwell as you heard a knock on the door. You reluctantly got up and went to the door, just now realizing that you still had on the sweats you slept in last night. He had seen you like this countless times, but you felt more vulnerable right now so you contemplated changing quickly.

“Just a minute!!” You called through the door and you ran to your room to throw on some leggings and a sweater.

You composed yourself and then opened the door. A small smile met your sheepish grin and you moved to the side so he could step around you. He walked over to the couch and sat down. You followed behind him but didn’t sit down quite yet.

“Do you want anything to eat or drink?” You offered softly.

“Water?”

You nodded and went to grab two glasses of water before sitting down next to him.

He took a sip and then put it down on the coffee table and looked over at you. “So? What’s going on with you?”

You sighed, trying to find the right words, after a few moments you just went for it. “I can’t do this anymore…”

“What do you mean? Sleep together?”

“Yeah…”

“Why not?”

You sighed again, “I just, when we first started hooking up we said it would just be friends with benefits and I tried really hard for that, but I’ve developed feelings for you. Feelings that I’ve tried really hard to get rid of, and it worked for a while, but lately it’s been harder to do. I’m not sure if you even know this, but people found out about us, people have been talking, and they’re not good things. They’re awful actually. I’ve never been so insulted in my life, and it was starting to really get to me. And last night...that girl that you were with, I heard her talking about me at the game. She said some really hurtful things and it just really hurt to see you with her last night. I know you probably didn’t know that she said those things, but it was still really hard to see. It’s hard to see you going home with anyone that’s not me. It’s okay if you don’t feel the same way, I know you probably don’t. And if so, I'm just going to need a break from you for a little bit. I really value our friendship and I really hope that we can still salvage that part of our relationship but I can’t keep doing this to myself.” You tried to gauge his reaction but his face was unreadable. He sighed and sat back against the couch as he ran his hands over his face and through his hair. He didn’t say anything for a few moments, he just sat there looking in front of him. “Can you say something? Please?” You asked, getting very nervous.

“Yeah, sorry, I’m just, I had no idea that people knew and were saying things to you...I feel awful, y/n/n. I know how mean people can be...god, I’m so sorry. I, um, was really trying to protect you from this. I thought that by keeping our relationship the way that it was would prevent this from happening…” he paused and ran his hands through his hair again and then turned to face you. He took your hands in his and looked into your eyes. “Y/N, you are so important to me, I hope you know that. I know that I probably haven’t done the best job of showing you that, but you really are. I have feelings for you too, I don’t know how I couldn’t. You’re perfect. You’re smart, funny, kind, beautiful...you keep me honest and you check me when I need to be. I’m so mad at myself because I thought I was doing the right thing, I thought that in order to shield you from all of the hate we had to just stay friends. I know that was unfair of me to do, it was selfish. I want you to know that I don’t care what other people think. It’s just, you’re so sweet, it honestly breaks my heart to think about the things that people are saying about you. You don’t deserve it. They don’t know you, babe. They don’t have the right to say those things about you. I definitely don’t want to lose you because of it. Please let me know how I can fix this...I can’t lose you.”

You had started crying at this point, Vince was wiping away your tears as you thought about what to say next. “It’s not your fault, Vince. I think that no matter how much you tried to protect me from it, it was inevitable. It comes with the territory, believe me, I know. I’ve been dealing with this kind of thing my whole life, it was just so much more of it, and I just got in my head about it, and I was starting to believe what they were saying...unfortunately you can’t stop them from saying these things. But can we just forget about them? And be together?”

“I would love nothing more. The whole world is going to know how perfect you are and how beautiful you are to me, I’ll reply to every nasty comment if I have to.”

You smiled at his eagerness, “okay, you don’t have to go that far, but I appreciate your willingness.”

“Anything for you, y/n/n…” he said, kissing you softly, “and I meant every word that I said. You make me a better person, and I don’t want a life without you in it.”

“I don’t want a life without you either, Vince...god, as much as I hate to admit it, Sammy was so right.”

Vince quirked an eyebrow, “what do you mean?” “He convinced me to tell you how I felt. I wasn’t going to...I was convinced you would never feel the same way that I do and I didn’t want to be let down.”

He chuckled at your admission. “He’s never going to let us live it down. He’s going to be taking credit for this for the rest of our lives…”

You smiled and sighed, “I guess there are worse things.”

Vince put his arm around you and pulled you close to him. You cuddled into his side and spent the rest of the afternoon snuggling and watching TV.

You knew that people were still going to have things to say about you and your relationship with Vince but you knew that you could through it with him by your side.

[et-lesailes]

two artists

pairing: steve rogers x reader

word count: 1707

prompt: “Hi! May I request a fix with Steve rogers where the reader is a writer & has a scar on the right side of her face (eyebrow till cheekbone, diagonal) & Steve keeps seeing her in a caffe & thinks she's gorgeous not even caring about the scar & sketches her & finally decides to ask her out when he sees her silently crying over her laptop because she just killed off 1 of her favourite characters? Maybe shes a but insecure too?Thank you so much!”

themes: just a quick little fluffy piece :)

taglist: @evanstush, @chibi-crazy, @tanyam93, @bval-1, @wonderwinchester,  @patzammit, @rohaintahquil, @deidrashouseofpain, @sammyslonglostshoe, @mizariomi, @jadedhillon, @bohemian-barbie, @marvelouspottering, @sebabestianstan101, @lille-kattunge, @peach-acid, @heyiamthatbitch, @cptn-sgrogers, @heyyouwiththeassbutt, @bangtan-serendipity, @troublermalik, @beardburnsupersoldiers, @hannie-stark, @bookish-shristi, @kind-sober-fullydressed, @whores4thor, @gingerninjaprincess16, @straightforwardly, @danathewitchywoman, @denisemarieangelina, @mango--mango, @frencchfries, @xlanawriter, @littlemoistcarrot, @pottxrwolff, @arianatheangelworld, @ifuseekamyevans, @southerngracela, @nsfwsebbie, @rororo06​, @almost-had-the-stars, @sebastian-i-stan, @whysparker​

notes: i have removed a handful of people from my taglist due to lack of interaction with my fics, and will be removing more the next time i post based on how reaction with this fic goes. it takes a LONG time for me to manually tag every person so please understand that the least you can do is read my work and give it a like if you are asking to be on this taglist! anywho thanks to @allthefandomstogether​ for this lovely graphic!!

He comes to this cafe almost everyday, and each day he is almost sure to see you, much to his pleasure. 

To be fair, he started coming to this cafe far before you did. In the 1940s, to be exact. It is now run by the original owner’s granddaughter, and he is sometimes shocked when he sees the similarity between her features and her grandmother’s, though he keeps this to himself. He does not like to draw attention to the fact that he is Steve Rogers, Captain America. 

He sits at his regular table near the back and you sit at yours, also towards the back but on the other side of the room. He goes there to have some peace from the craziness that is the Avengers; he often brings a couple books, his sketchbook, and the iPod Touch Tony had gifted him when he had first come out of the ice. He can easily upgrade, but he has no desire to. He prefers being old fashioned, he hardly even likes using the complicated smartphone SHIELD has set him up with for missions. 

You only started coming a couple of weeks ago. He isn’t sure if you come every single day, but most of the days and times he is there, so are you. While he used to spend most of his time reading, he has found himself beginning to draw more and more. He used to draw quite a lot back in the old days; ever since becoming an Avenger, he simply did not have the time, and, quite frankly, the muse. Now, it is all coming back to him. He feels inspired upon your mere presence, and he simply has to draw everything he feels. At first, it is the items around you. He draws the latte you seem to favor, the journals you’re constantly writing in, the brown bag you keep your things in, even the sleek MacBook Air. Finally, he wholeheartedly accepts his creepiness and draws you. He can’t help it. You are incredibly intriguing to him, and not to mention beautiful. How could he not want your image displayed in the pages of his sketchbook? 

It is another day and he’s shading the delicate features of your face. He loves when you furrow your brow in concentration as you write, how your tongue even sometimes sticks out slightly. It’s adorable to him. 

His pencil begins to outline the thin scar across the right side of your face. He does not know how it got there, and while he is curious, he sees so much more to you than such a mark. All he can hope is that whatever happened, it is not bothering you anymore. He knows how mental scars hurt just as much as physical ones, probably even more. God knows he’s collected quite a few over his century of living.

He also wonders what it is you’re writing over there all the time. Is it a story? A memoir? A journal? He wants to read all of it, at the risk of sounding like some kind of creep. Perhaps he’s already too far in to be worrying about that, though. 

He’s so absorbed in his drawing he almost does not notice your change in expression. It is when you momentarily cover your face with your hands that he frowns, looking to you as if you will somehow understand through telepathy that he never wants you covering up that beautiful face. However, once you remove your hands, he widens his eyes as he sees tears running down your cheeks. You sniff and rub them away, taking a deep breath before returning to typing away on your laptop. He has no idea what to do, but he knows he has to do something. The thought of you being in any type of pain is breaking his heart. What is wrong with him? He doesn’t even know you.

He stands up rather abruptly, causing the people at the tables around him to give him an odd look. He avoids eye contact, adjusting his baseball cap. He finds his legs walking towards you, no plan of action in his normally calculative, strategic mind. He is standing before you now and the presence causes you to look up.

The eye contact almost blows him away. Your eyes are wide and slightly wet, making even your pupils glisten slightly. He’s never met anyone who looks pretty while crying, God knows he certainly isn’t. “Are you okay?” he asks somewhat suddenly and awkwardly, and you blink- he stares at your eyelashes wondering how such a small part of your face can look so beautiful to him. “Y-yeah, I’m okay,” you say with a sad smile, even chuckling slightly. He decides he wants to hear your real laugh as soon as he possibly can. “I didn’t know anyone saw me, that’s embarrassing.” You look away now and he frowns. He wants you to look at him. “Do you maybe want to talk about it?” he offers, hoping he doesn’t seem like some nosy freak. You wipe at your eyes again and he notices you’re still looking away. “Oh, it’s really not that deep,” you assure him, still laughing awkwardly. “I- I’m a writer, see, and I’ve been working on this story for a while, and--” you pause, taking a deep breath, “--it’s stupid, really, but I just killed off one of my favorite characters, and I’m just… sad now. I got too attached.” You rub the back of your neck, looking down at your keyboard. “Silly, isn’t it?”

He’s never been more enamored. 

He chuckles softly and shakes his head. “No. Not at all. Writing is a form of art, and art…” he hums thoughtfully before continuing, “art evokes strong emotions. Even if you’re the one creating it.” He remembers rather morbid sketches he drew after Bucky’s death. Sure, he could have drawn something happier to help him feel better, but it was more important to let his grief and emotions out rather than pretend everything was okay. You look up at him again and he instantly takes advantage of the returned eye contact, studying yours as his smile barely grows. “Honestly, you’re the only person I’ve met who responded like that,” you tell him softly, your voice somewhat shy. “Everyone else would just tease me, tell me that I’m the one writing it so I can just change it. But it’s not like that, you know?” He immediately nods, smiling wider. “I completely understand. Sometimes the happy ending… isn’t always the right ending.”

You look up at him for a few moments before realizing this eye contact is too intense, naturally shying away again as you look back down at your laptop. You have good and bad days when it comes to your self esteem, especially with the thin scar running across your face, and it’s safe to say you’re feeling significantly more insecure sitting before such a handsome man like him. He frowns slightly and clears his throat, gesturing to the empty seat across from yours. “Do you mind if I sit with you?” You blink and barely gaze up at him, hoping you don’t look as nervous as you feel. “Um, yeah, sure, go ahead…” He smiles, clearly happy as he sits down, and you feel even more shy now that he’s right in front of you. “My name’s Steve, by the way. Could I know your name?”

You blink, everything suddenly clicking. He had seemed familiar but you had brushed it off-- considering how outrageously handsome he was, you had assumed you had seen a similar face in a damn magazine or TV show or something. Upon hearing his name, however, you now realize just exactly who this is, and now you’re even more confused as to why he’s sitting with you. “Y/N,” you introduce yourself nonetheless with a small smile, looking at him somewhat curiously. “Not to be rude or anything but-- why exactly do you want to sit with me?” He chuckles, finding you adorable already. “If we’re being honest, I’ve seen you here a few times, and I’ve always wanted to come talk to you.” You blink and glance down as you barely play with a strand of your hair, anything to keep your awkward hands occupied. “Me…?” He chuckles, barely biting on his lower lip. “Yeah, you. Is that so hard to believe? I was actually kind of hoping I could ask you out on a date. Get to know you better.” He’s a little surprised with himself; for someone so sculpted and “perfect”, he’s never really been quite smooth with the ladies. Perhaps he wants to be more confident to help draw out your own confidence. 

“A date?” you repeat, practically bewildered. Is this some type of prank? No, Steve Rogers would never do something like that. As you look up into his eyes, all you see is hope, sincerity, and a kind, friendly twinkle. You quickly look back down. He’s being serious. “I-- um, I haven’t been on a date in… a really long time…”

“So what better time to start than now?” He grins, cocking his head to one side. “Please? Just one, and if you hate it you never have to talk to me again. Though I’d be really, really sad if that happened.” You can’t help but giggle softly, looking up at him again. This time, you actually maintain eye contact for more than five seconds. “I doubt I would hate it.” You respond, surprised that you’re actually beginning to flirt a little. “Alright. Here’s my number.” He playfully pumps his fist in a triumphant movement as you scribble your number out on a piece of paper, handing it to him. “Thank you. I can’t wait.” He feels his work phone buzz in his pocket and he sighs. “Though right now, duty calls. I’ll call you later tonight, alright?”

You watch in somewhat of a daze as the muscular superhero stands up, taking out some hi-tech device you wonder if he even fully knows how to operate. Probably something invented by Tony Stark. “Alright,” you manage to say, nodding your head and even giving him a little smile. “I’m looking forward to it.”

[yamithediaperdork]

Happy Fathers Day (Mortal instruments..because..of course XD)

It was the annual father day picnic in central park, and while something semi scandalous seemed to happen every year, this year would be the one to take the proverbial cake. If nothing else one group of boys, close knit friends since they were in pre school together, would have a whole new world opened up to them. they were Alex and Jacob Wolfe, 12 year old twins with dirty blond hair that Jacob had in a mushroom cut while Alex kept his buzzed, Keith Ryan who had shoulder length brown hair and finally Kevin west, who kept his black hair buzzed down. Today while their four man band (At least that's what their dad's liked to call them, the boys all just rolled their eyes at that) where playing a game of football, waiting on their dad's to call them over for food, they got treated to a sight one may not of expected at a public park, at least not during the day. It was Jacob who noticed the sight first, stopping and starring and his jaw dropped which let the ball deck him in the face, but the pre-teen didn't seem to notice. "Dude, what's with you?" Keith asked, running up, annoyed since they were on the same team. "Jacob, you ok?" Alex asked, worried about his brother. "Oh man, he's gone comatose..tell me you didn't eat any of my dad's chilli. I warned you guys about that!" Kevin groaned. All Jacob could do was point, and the other three followed the finger, and joined him in drop jaw reactions. After all, it wasn't every day you saw a adult baby being lead into the park.

going back to a few days earlier, and Jace had been snuggling in his daddies arms. the shadow hunter had just finished a coming out party involving all of his closet friends and while not everyone was happy, they had been understanding and gushed about how cute he'd been in his barbie diaper and teddy bear top. Simon, the vampire daddy of the littlest monster killer had been semi glad about how well the party had gone, though he was also disappointed. "and then when Alec gave me head pats and said he knew it, had knew it fer years..ehehehehe your right daddy! Coming clean was the best thing to do!" Jace coo'ed, and nuzzled into Simon's chest. "Well to be fair, I guess I shouldn't of been shocked so many of them knew, since you've been wearing them to bed every night." Simon admitted and patted the boys soggy diaper. Barbie had long since faded away from the front but the diaper could take a bit more punishment, and with how often Jace went well, they had to make every diaper count. "And pull up's during the day, just like you told me to cuz I'm SUCH a good boy!" Jace beamed, all proud of himself for letting himself be sent back into 24/7 diaper wearing. "It's just..I dunno..I was mayybbeee..." Simon started and Jace giggled and smirked. "You wanted them to tease and torment me and make me a red faced big baby so I'd be super squirmy and cry baby~" Jace giggled. "Well tough! They were loving and understanding and I'm just all happy and want cuddles, not filled with massive humiliation and going into a whiny big baby mode!" Jace finished and blew a raspberry. "..You know. since you're gonna be my widdle guy 24/7.. I think we need to let even more people know and see the real you." Simon said, as he wiped the spittle from the raspberry off of his face. the fact he had a evil grin on his face made Jace gulp and lose his, and a muffled fart sounded from his rear. "...I don't like it when you get that look on your face daddy."

In the following days some steps were taken to help Jace be the little boy he wanted to be 24/7, even though Jace started regretting his decision to ask for it soon after. Step one was to gather up every adult piece of clothing that Jace wore, and have a nice big yard sale with them. the money was tucked away nice and next, and would be used not on booze or toy's, or anything like that. It went just right into Jace's diaper budget, with him going poopies at least 3 times a day, and diapers not being cheap. "This sucks! I should at least be able to get some toys!" Jace had argued. "well you can get a lot of toys, if we get you cloth diapers and plastic pants instead. but I'm not gonna be the one washing them or hanging them out to dry." Simon said as they sold the last of Jace's pants. the teenagers buying it had been laughing seeing Jace sitting there in a chair in just his diapers (with the weather being so nice and all) and laughed even more when they heard the argument. "But..but.I'm a baby! I don't do washing!" "and you don't get a say in what money is spent on. maybe if we'd been able to sell your undies we could of gotten you some action figures, but their just too skid marked and no one wants them, even at a nickle a pair." Jace huffed at that and in the end they did get rid of all 10 of Jace's undies, for 10 cents and they were sold to a blushing young man who couldn't stop looking at Jace. "Bet you he's gonna wear them all as like, a form of toddler pants." Simon said as the guy dashed off. "Pffft that's silly, who would do that?" Jace asked,. "oh, you'd be surprised."

The next part of Jace's permanent transformation was taking him out to load up his closet in Simon's home. that meant dozens of cute outfit and loads of diapers. Jace didn't mind the overalls or the shortalls, but the onsies were kinda squirmy to try on at the mall,m double so with the sales lady claiming that she needed 'extra help' and calling over all of the other clerks so Jace was basically putting on a little fashion show. Which only got worst when Kelly, the clerk they had started with, after hearing Simon jokingly complain about how often Jace needed a diaper change suggested that they try some dresses and skirts, They had already seen the poor big babies barbie diapers but Jace was NOT a happy camper as he then spent half a hour shaking his butt, and twirling in his short party dressed, mini skirts, and basically girl clothes that didn't do anything to fully hide his diapers. The fashion show thankfully ended when Jace in the middle of showing off a jean skirt with a fake plastic diamond heart on it off and popped a squat and destroyed the back of his diaper. Kelly hadn't let them get changed in there, though she had to hold a nose while ringing them though.

After a diaper change in the parking lot Jace and daddy had been on their way home when they heard a announcement on the radio about the father's day picnic in the park, opened to anyone and everyone. Jace despite having just gone poopie got a badddddd feeling in his tummy as he looked at daddy in the rear view mirror from his car seat. "Havvvve I ever mention how much I HATE the park?" Jace asked, gulping and squirming. "Oh Really? Maybe that's just because you haven't gone to the park with daddy, and been able to show everyone your cute widdle outfits." Simon said. "..You just want me blushy!" Jace whined and pouted, folding his arms and sulking. "Mmmhmmm, and DADDY gets what DADDY wants." Simon said. "Now who wants McDonald's?" "...I do but i'm not wearing a dress to the park!" Jace said. "We'll see~"

In the end Jace did win his campaign to not wear a dress or skirt to the park, mostly by pointing out that he'd just cry rape and beg for a adult if Simon tried. With Simon knowing the big baby well enough to know that wasn't a bluff, Jace was instead dressed in triple his normal thick bulky diapers, and in a light blue onesie with a teddy bear print all over it. (though to be fair, he'd given Jace a choice between the teddy bear themed Onesie or a white one, just the pink barbie diapers semi showed with the white one) a pair of white socks and Paw patrol light up sneakers were on his feet and a blue paci was in his mouth with a ribbon on it that was clipped to his shirt and his hair had been neatly brushed. One hand was in daddies as they walked into the park, getting stares and a few comments, and the other was hugging a Chase from paw patrol stuffie to his chest. With Jace being tripled diapered Daddy only brought along one change for the little guy, and it was in the picnic basket he carried in his free hand as they looked for a good spot to sit down. "See anywhere that looks nice little guy? or cat got your tongue?" Simon teased. Jace was sucking fast on his paci, quickly going crimson faced as the taunts came at them. "Awww that's so cute!" One girl said, pointing Jace out to her father. "What the hell.." Anther dad said. "Fucking fags. keep it indoors!" Called a big bearded biker dad. "Er..is this against the law?" A mother asked. "I KNEW YOU WERE LYING! THEY DO MAKE BIG KID DIAPERS!" one 5 year old huffed, yelling at his parents.

The 4 man band stared in shock and as Jace and Simon walked/waddled by them a strong smell of baby powder was in the air. two of the boys were fixated on how powerful and cool Simon looked, totally in control of the dumb big baby and wanted to experience a power rush like that,. The other two were biting their lips and squirming as they both focused on different parts of Jace's humiliation. "Whoa..L-Look at how massive those diapers are..t-they are diapers right?" Alex said, gulping. "No dork, he just has a massive butt. of course he's in diapers." Kevin chuckled. "T-That outfit.. oh man.." Jacob  chipped in. "Could you even picture wearing something like that? that would get a 3 year old teased!" "heh, your got that right. only a total bitch would let himself be dressed like that. or his daddy is just THAT freaking awesome he's making that blond bitch come out like that." Keith said with a grin, turning and noting the look on the twins faces. "heh, Jealous?" "NO!" both twins yelled out, their own faces going bright red and Kevin and Keith just exchanged grins.

Of course with his Vampire senses Simon knew what was happening and chuckled softly. 'I suppose I should feel bad corrupting the young and all that..buttt fuck it. I'm already a soulless blood drinker.' the vampire thought. "Don't look now but I think we just inspired two new big babies." Simon said in a low voice, then paused and waved a hair in front of his face, acting as if Jace had just let out a stink bomb though the blond baby was holding his poopies in. "Jace! did you go uh-oh already?" Simon asked loudly. Jace's blush couldn't get any worse, but the big baby shook his head no,but kept his paci in. "Mhmmm. likely story. I know you like to sit in it it." Simon said, again in a loud voice and drawing more attention to them as he rolled his eyes. "turn around for a bum check little man." Jace squirmed like crazy but knew better then to argue with daddy, and when he was this humiliated, he went into a whole new level of subby. turning around Jace looked at the group of boys who half of which were watching with grins, the other half with semi envy as Simon dropped down to one knee and patted Jace's butt a few time. "Hmmm I guess it was just gas. sorry for not believing you little guy." Simon said. he looked around and then opened up the basket and pulled out a checkered red and white blanket and spread it on the gas. "I know you wanted to sit at a table buddy, but with the extra diapies you begged to wear daddies worried you'll fall and go boom." Simon said, and ruffled Jace's hair even as the blond baby glared at him, then nodded and plopped on his massive rear. Simon was pulling out their lunches, some fried chicken with mashed potatoes for him, with a bottle of what he would tell anyone who asked was fruit punch but was some of Jace's blood, while pulling out 4 large jars of prune flavored baby food and a bottle of formula for Jace. "Is daddies little man hungry now, or wanna let daddy eat first then spoon him him?" Simon asked, and reached forward, lightly tugging on the paci and pulling it from the big babies mouth. "I um..I.." "Use your big boy words." Simon said, smirking. Jace, who had been about to anyways squirmed and just nodded his head. "I um.. Daddy can eat first." he said,using his baby voice anyways. "ok buddy. I know you wanna eat big kid food like daddy but we BOTH know it doesn't agree with you an-" Simon was cut off as the boys from before strolled over. "Hey Mister um.. if you don't mind, I can feed him" the brunette with the buzz cut said. "Oh, have you ever spoon fed a baby before?" Simon asked. "It's not as easy as it sounds, they can be little fuss buckets." Simon added, reaching forward and tickling Jace's chin making him giggle a little. "well no, But Me and Keith." and the brunette jerked a thumb to the long haired kid. "Figure we'll need the practice." he said, giving a toothy grin as the blond twin blushed and squirmed. "heh Oh?" "Kevin! Don't tell him that!" one of the blonds squeaked out. "W-we're not babies!" the other one added. "Alex, Jacob, Hush. big kids are talking." the one named Keith said and Simon chuckled. 'oh yeah, they're gonna be little naturals.' he thought.

Jace whined and mentally begged Simon not to let the kids spoon feed him, but if anything the chance to pass on his knowledge made Simon even MORE teasing, which was something Jace didn't think was possible. Simon showed the boys how to tie a bib around the babies neck, explaining how important it was to use a good enough knot it wouldn't come off, but not so good you had to cut it loose after. "If I had brought some of his extra bibs, you could of practiced with your little guys." Simon smirked. Jace's heart went out for the blonds as they paled a little at that, and they seem to be trying to decide whether to run or stick around. "It's ok. I think their dad would be mad if they came back wearing a teddy bear bib anyways." Keith said. "they again maybe not. you know he's always saying what messy eaters they are." Kevin added. "Guysssss!" the twins whined in unison and pouted. "ok, that was cute. Now if Jace isn't a total little piggy like he normally is." Simon said and Jace whined at that, and pouted much like the twins were. "And there's any baby food left, you can split whats left between your little guys there, and they can take turns with the bib." "What!?" Alex yelped. "No way!" Jacob added. "Sounds good." Kevin and Alex said in unison. As Jace locked eyes with the twins, they gave him a pleading look and despite knowing just how bloated and gassy he'd get, Jace knew he had to take a bullet for them. 'god I'm gonna be farting like crazy!' Jace groaned. it didn't help he already had 5 pieces of high fiber toast that had been coated in apples and banana flavored baby food for breakfast and a big bottle on top of that. No two was about it, before they left the park Jace was gonna be filling his diapers. "Now you wanna get a fair amount, but not too much on the spoon." Simon was saying, snapping Jace out of his thoughts about his impending boom butt. "Jace here is a bigger boy so he can take more, but every baby really has a different amount." Jace looked at the heaping piled Kevin had on the spoon, and looked over to Simon, silently pleading with daddy to at least get the amount cut down, but Simon just winked and took a bite out of a chicken leg. "I know what to do next. Seen this enough on TV." Kevin said and then switching to a baby talk voice voice added. "Here comes the airplane~ Open widddde!"

Simon almost choked on his chicken as Kevin talked, he knew how much Jace HATED that bit and was nice enough to spare him that much. He flashed the big baby a look that said 'play nice' and Jace like a good big baby opened his mouth as big as he could. Sadly (or was that amusingly?) with the heap of mush on the spoon, there was no way it was going to fit all in Jace's mouth and purple mush dribbled down his chin. "oh crud uh.." Kevin looked over his shoulder to Simon, as Jace closed his mouth and swallowed what had made it in, and made a little face. "use the spoon and get what you can off of his chin and into his mouth." Simon instructed, taking a sip  of his drink. "Oh ok!" Kevin said. It took awhile for the boy to get his rhythm down but soon he was stuffing Jace's face like a pro even as Jace started to burp now and then, which made Kevin make a face. "you think that's bad, wait till it comes out the other end." Simon commented. "why don't you boys switch so Keith can get a turn in. and Alex, Jacob..My little guys looking awfully full already, hope your hungry." The twins shared a whimper and were holding each others hands, though Simon noted they didn't try and run for their dad. either they didn't think they could outrun their daddies to be, or while they were scared and nervous, they on some level wanted to be Jace and were rooted to the spot. Either way, Simon had a hunch next time he saw them they'd be sporting diapers. Keith took a different approach to feeding Jace and it didn't take long to figure it out. The Brown haired boy was a tormentor, plain and simple and it showed as he kept missing Jace's mouth on purpose and smudging the food on Jace's cheeks, and would scold him for it. "No no no you silly big baby! Stay still! it's like you wanna wear your din din!" Keith teased and Jace whined loudly and looked to Simon for help. Simon pretended to be interested in a game of soccer that was going on near by instead. "I think your baby is full mister. he just doesn't wanna eat anymore." Keith said, looking at Simon then over at the blonds. "N-No! I hungee!" Jace cried out, and Kieth pouted a little. "I think he's just fussy because he wants daddy to feed him. you boys have been a big help but I better take over." Simon said, he was finished eating anyways. "besides, any second now the fart factory is gonna-" Simon was cut off as a massively long and loud despite the padding fart filled the air and the boys went from laughing to holding their noses. "Yeahhh that." Simon chuckled. "Side effect of the baby food." "Oh god, it's like ten million farts in one!" Keith gagged. "Or worse!" Kevin added. Adorably the twin's only commented on it by saying stinky, though there eyes were watering too. "Is that what they'll smell like if they eat that?" Kevin asked, waving a hand in front of his face but jerking a thumb at the twins. "Pretty much. I'd go with oatmeal if you want them not as rotten." Simon suggested. "Should I take that to mean you don't want one of the remaining jars?" "Uh..I mean..it's a really generous offer..But..we all drove over here together and.." Kevin started "We'll all die in the car if the twins are ripping out back door bombs like that!" Keith finished. "W-we wouldn't be that bad!" Alex huffed and crossed his arms, Jacob following suite and adding "Yeah!" "...Wait..do you dorks WANNA eat baby food?" Keith asked, seemingly forgetting about the stink in the air as he grinned. The twin's seemed to realized that had just tried to argue in favor of it and Alex covered his mouth while Jacob shook his head. "NO!" "looks like you boys have some things to figure out. Thanks for feeding the baby." Simon said and took a couple of 20's out of his wallet and handed one to each boy. they went to say thank you but anther back door bomb ripped out of Jace's backside and they took off running instead. "Cute kids. gonna have to get used to stinkers though if they wanna be be daddies." Simon commented, then turned his attention back to Jace who let out a burp. "then again..subjecting them to your funk when they're just starting is like teaching someone to swim by tossing them in shark infested waters." "DADDY!"

With the rest of the baby food in Jace and his ba-ba, the poor baby had a bloated tummy and was pooting up a storm. Simon had been forced to take the onise off of him with his big Jace's tummy tum had gotten and had tickled his sides till Jace wet himself. In just his socks and shoes and Barbie diapers, Jace was getting lots of attention though no one came too close, his poots were like a fog horn warning people to keep their distance. "you know, I was hoping to help you make some friends today but your butt is scaring them all away stinker." Simon teased. "I sowwy." Jace whined, rubbing a eye. After a month of training Jace was conditioned to get sleepy after a big meal. "well we'll go play in the sandbox for a little bit, then go home ok buddy?" "But sweepy daddy." Jace whined, eyes drooping and nuzzling into Simon. "Already? are you sure you don't wanna play on the slide or the swings or something like a big kid?" Simon asked, smirking. "No Big -yawn- kid. Just Jace. sweepy." The blond baby said, almost stumbling now and so Simon stopped and picked him up, setting his head on his shoulder and a arm under his butt, carrying the basket and Chase was tucked inside. "I guess we can go home. I hope you had fun today buddy." Simon said and kissed the big babies cheek, then whispered. "Because we'll be coming here a lot more often." "Ngggh.. yesh..daddy." Jace mumbled, and then drifted off to sleep, even as a series of wet farts erupted from his back side and the back of the babies diapers bloomed out. "oh I see. go sleepies and leave me stuck with changing you. really nice." Simon teased but as he headed for the car he had to admit, he didn't really mind. He was tempted to stop and change Jace on a table, but then spotted a older looking couple talking to a police officer and pointing over at them, and decided that could wait for anther day and not to give the cop a reason to hassle them.. as long as Jace's diapers stayed on he wasn't naked in public. Thankfully the cop seemed to agree as they weren't hassled on their way to the car, though before he went to put Jace in his car seat, Simon was treated to one last cute site. Kevin and Keith chasing the twins, holding onto a couple of towels each and having safety pins. 'Damn. now I really wish I could stay.' Simon thought and chuckled. there was always next weekend.

The end, fer now

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #305

“you want me to be yours, well then you’ve got to be mine, & if you want a good girl, then goodbye”

Do you call the ice cream topping "jimmies" or "sprinkles"? They're "sprinkles" down here. What music are you listening to? Ha, I just turned on music before starting this. "Sex Metal Barbie" by In This Moment is on rn. If you go to school (HS or college) does your school have a rival? N/A Have you been baptized in any religious tradition? Yeah; I was born in a Roman Catholic family. My mom's mom would've probably had a heart attack if us kids weren't. At family gatherings, are you more likely to hang out with the younger or older relatives? I mean, I'd go for those my age or older, generally. I'd hang out with kids though if they wanted me to. Considering you current health, how long do you think you will live? With my CURRENT health, probably not even 80. Do you have anything in your room that would be 'weird' to others? Posters, yeah. Have you ever done geocaching? No, but it'd be cool if my body could actually handle taking a single goddamn step. What was the last game you won? Maybe Uno with my niece? I generally let her win, but occasionally I'm "lucky" to TRY to be more convincing, lol. I think she knows I let her, though. Do you know any deaf people? If so, is it easy or difficult to have conversations with them? No. Do you enjoy playing Monopoly? Why or why not? No, because I don't like board games, especially any that involve math. Is there a doorknocker on your front door? No. Do 'laugh tracks' on TV shows annoy you? They're so normal that I don't even notice them, really. Do people often mistake you for other ethnicities? If so, what do you usually get? No, I'm pretty obviously white. Has anyone famous ever attended your school? Who? I won't say his name for the sake of not connecting dots, but a well-known football player attended my high school. Have you ever had to attend an event that occurred on your birthday? Ha, my 16th birthday landed on the Super Bowl... I was at Jason's that night, and just to be "part of the family," we watched it with everyone else that came over. I was so bored and uninterested, but that's my own fault, really. I could have said something, but this was only a month into our relationship so I was too uncomfortable to speak up. What do you think makes a girl a slut? Do you believe that label is thrown around far more often than it should be? And finally, do you think it's unfair that mostly only women receive that label? I don't give a flying fuck how many people a girl is sexually involved with so long as she is safe and open and honest with her partners. I'm not a fan of the word and don't think anyone should be called it. Do you think it's bad to have sex at 15 or younger? I don't think it's smart, really. It's just too young to risk pregnancy. Yes, abortion is an option, but like... a 15 y/o girl should never be faced with that dilemma. I'ma be real tho, I don't think it's a "good" idea until you're at least 18, aaaand I don't know any non-virgin who waited that long. Just try your best to wait, ig. Favorite love song at the moment? Love songs never sit well with me anymore. I mean I can enjoy them, absolutely, I just... have a lot of bitterness. Trying to pick a favorite when you feel like that is like trying to pick the best-looking rotten apple of the bunch. Ever wondered what it would be like dating the same gender as you? I've done that already, and it was great but also scary in a massively homophobic state. Ever paid for sex? No. During thunderstorms, how does your pet react? Neither have a unique reaction; they're unfazed. What internet browser do you use? Google Chrome. Do you like eggnog? Noooo no no. How often do you see your mother? Every day, because I live with her. Do you like croutons in your salad? No, I really don't like the texture difference. Who did you last play truth or dare with? I don't know. Have you ever brewed your own mead, wine, beer or soda? No. Have you had to make any changes in your life lately? If so, what kind of changes? ugh What's the earliest popular thing you can remember from your childhood? Ummm. I mean, probably like Barney or Elmo? Do you prefer practicality or fashionability when it comes to clothes? Well, really neither. I'm the type that wears tank tops in snow, flipflops year-round, sweatpants in summer... so I don't really dress with practicality. I don't care what's "fashionable," so. Comfort pretty much reigns over my wardrobe. Which kinds of berries grow in the wild where you live? There are these little red ones that grow in little groups and somewhat resemble raspberries. I can't remember if they're edible, though... Oh, and muscadine grapes (I had to look up if they were berries lmao) can be found here, too. They're yummy. Beautyberries are another. Have you ever made an article of clothing yourself? If so, what was it? No. Do you go to arcades? If so, what's your go-to game at one? Even before Covid, I never really went to them. I enjoy them, though. I guess my favorite is maybe air hockey? When's the last time you had an alcoholic beverage? What was it? At the Cheesecake Factory for my birthday. It was some kind of sangria... Maybe strawberry and peach? Idr, but it was good. What has been the most enjoyable job you've had? You assume I've had a job I actually enjoyed. How about the least enjoyable job? Well, I barely lasted two hours in a dairy, soooo... When's the last time you had to carefully plan how you used your time? You're asking the wroooong person, 'cuz my life is never busy enough for that. Who do you usually say hello or good morning to first? My snake Venus, usually. Well, that is if her head is peeking out of her hide or is just fully out. Do you ever chat about your favorite video games with your friends? I don't really have gamer friends anymore, so not really. What do you hope you grow out of? Being so goddamn dependent. What movie made you cry the most? I can't say for sure considering it's easy for movies to make me cry, lmao. Maybe Titanic. What was one of the happiest moments of your childhood? Seeing a container of dog food in the far back behind the Christmas tree one year. It's how I learned I was finally gettinga dog (Teddy). What brings you the most joy in life? Probably my cat lmao. What's a hobby you would like to try out? I wanna get back into video editing, I just. Don't have the motivation for it anymore. As with most things. What sort of a kiss do you count as the first kiss? On the lips and with mutual intention. What was the last event you attended? Thanksgiving dinner at my sister's, ig. How about the last event you organized? Me? Organizing an event? What's the biggest insect you've ever seen? In the wild, probably like... a rhinocerous beetle or something. NO NO WAIT. I remember at least once in my life seeing a fucking GINORMOUS moth on the ground one morning. I don't know what kind it was, but jc it was huge. How about the biggest spider? Oh yikes, I'll never forget this: an orb weaver wandering across the floor of our childhood van and under the passenger's seat. Never saw it again. I was afraid to let my feet stay on the floor for a looong time, haha. What's something you'd never ever dare to ask another person? I'd never ask certain "why" questions, like "why did you get an abortion?" or something like that. I can think of valid situations to ask most things, even controversial matters, but no one should ever have to justify something like that. "Why don't you have kids?" is another. That one gets to me. Having children is not an advancement or milestone in everyone's life, and hell, you never know if the woman's had like five miscarriages or something. What's something you've always wanted to ask someone but haven't dared? Why Mom didn't raise her eldest daughter, at least for her whole life. Katie's childhood is a big mystery to me, and I want to know more, but I know the topic is very upsetting to Mom, so I'm not about to make her explain it. What's the worst/best thing you've done without your parents knowing? Saying "worst/best" makes this question confusing... but I'm guessing you mean the best thing to me that they wouldn't have approved of? I really didn't do a lot of things that would fit that description. I can only think of a certain intimate occasion where things happened where they probably shouldn't have. If you wear earrings, what does your favorite pair look like? Ugh, I don't because of the holes being too stretched out from wearing heavy earrings too long. I still haven't gotten to putting proper gauges in so it looks less stupid. Have you ever won any money from a scratch card? Maybe like, $10 or something. How about a slot machine? I've never played one. Do like playing bingo? Sure, it's all right. What small, everyday thing makes you really happy? Cuddling with my cat. Do you enjoy puzzle games? If so, which one's your favorite? Yeah, I do. I can't really pick a favorite, though... Is there a substance you avoid at all costs? If so, what is it and why? I think in a past survey I mentioned my aversion to beer because of the association it has with my dad. I'd never be able to get a sip down. Not that I really want to anyway though, it stinks. What you would you absolutely hate living next door to? Any really busy location or travel hubs, like a train station. My childhood home was near a railroad track, and it sucked, so I can only imagine a station. What would you love to live next door to? A waterfall, uggghhhh. In the woods too to hear plenty of frogs and toads and crickets... What gives you nostalgia? It is very easy to make me nostalgic. The littlest things can do it. Hearing about/seeing/playing childhood video games, like Spyro, is a biggie. Which reminds me how damn badly I wanna play the Reignited trilogy, fuck. I just don't have the proper console. Which language do you think is the most complicated to learn? Well English is supposedly the hardest objectively, but as a native English speaker, I can't say anything about that. In my experience, Latin was like fucking impossible. Is there a place that you might call your second home? I guess Dad's house, but it's not like I'm there a lot. I feel comfortable there, though. How do you imagine your later life to look like? I DO NOT want to think about this. I fucking dread the thought. What is a job you would never in a million years want to do? A butcher. There is absolutely no motherfucking way I ever could do it, even if it kept me off the streets. What's the weirdest building in your city? *shrug* How do you keep in touch with friends usually? Facebook. Do you recognize friends'/family's vehicles by sound? Not anymore. Dad had an old car that was very easy to recognize with its shitty muffler, but he hasn't had that car in years upon years. I used to be able to recognize Jason's old car too because of sound, but primarily because he drove way too fast down our path that when I heard a car zooming over rocks, I knew it was him. What's something new you've just recently learned? It was actually a topic of recent discussion that I may have high-functioning Asperger's. Very, very unusual to learn later in life, but apparently Mom's seen the warning signs in some things since childhood, like my extreme pickiness with textures, my tendency to knead and play with my hands in situations of discomfort, my social ineptitude, hyperfixations, it actually running in our family (which I didn't know beforehand), among a lot of other things. We're not really digging into it though because it just doesn't matter; there's obviously no magic treatment for autism, and me being in therapy and having a psychiatrist to handle my meds is enough. If you were in Harry Potter, which house would you be in? Apparently I'm on the Hufflepuff/Gryffindor line when I took a survey a long time ago. Are you nagged about being on the computer too much? Not anymore, at least on the average day. Mom's accepted it by now. Dad's joked about it before though and I know others have certain opinions about it. Based on your personality, what animal do you think you'd be? Maybe a deer. Shy, reclusive, and always on alert. Have you ever been in a hot tub? Yeah. What song is stuck in your head at the moment? I have "my boy" by Billie Eilish on right now because it's stuck in my head. What's your father's middle name? John. What's the last movie you saw in theaters? Yikes, good question. I think it was The Lion King remake. Have you ever vandalized? No. What's a pet you've always wanted? Most pets I want I've had at some point or another... I guess I'll say a ferret, though I've really only wanted one in concept. I could never keep up with their maintenance, but by god they are the cutest fucking things ever. Do you like mice? I love mice! What's your favorite t-shirt? My "equal in our bones" Cloak shirt. :''') The design is so beautiful and just my style in general, plus I live to support anything Fischfuck takes part in. Did you/will you get a car for your 16th birthday? I'm 25 and still have never had my own car lmaoooo. What's your favorite tomato variety? I generally don't like tomatoes themselves, but rather products made with them, like ketchup. If I'm in the mood though, I do like tomato sandwiches with mayo and bacon; I only ever enjoyed them though if they were fresh right from an old friend's garden. Which well-known person's death shocked you the most, if any? I think Chester Bennington's was the biggest surprise. Rest easy, you legend. What's the craziest color you'd dye your hair? More like what crazy color WOULDN'T I dye it... What was the longest train ride you've been on? I've never been on one. What's the coolest hobby one of your friends has? uhhhhh idk Have you ever played in a stack of hay bales? No. If you could learn any skill, which would you like to learn? Ha, cooking. How do you like your steak? Medium well.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Do you have something you’re supposed to tell someone, but you haven’t yet?: Ehhh, kinda.

The nearest window to you now - what colour curtains are on them?: Dark blue.

What type of food do you never really eat?: Anything other than ramen, eggs, boneless wings, chicken strips, french fries (or potatoes in other forms), spaghetti and meatballs, burritos, and pizza.

Are you better at cooking dinners or making cakes/biscuits/sweets?: I’m not a cook at all, the only thing I “cook” is ramen or something I can easily zap up in the microwave or oven. I used to like to bake (not from scratch or anything, but still), especially around the holidays, but I haven’t done that in a few years. 

Have you ever cut someone else’s hair?: Just my Barbies, ha. And I “dyed” their hair by coloring it with marker. :X

Are you one of the oldest or youngest in your friendship group?: I don’t have any friends, but back when I did I was the oldest by a year.

The shade of the colour of my eyes can be described as: Chocolate. 

When was the last time you drank alcohol?: My birthday 7 years ago.

Do you have a wild imagination?: It goes to some random, weird places.

At what age did you stop believing in Santa?: I think around 8.

What’s the scariest film/tv show you’ve ever seen?: Not sure what I’d pick as the scariest, but I have a lot of favorite scary movies and TV shows.

… Why was it so scary?: The ones that can really happen are the scariest to me.

Do you own a wok?: I think we do.

Is there a particular type of music you really don’t like?: Not into techno or house music. Or stuff like bluegrass or something if we’re really getting into it.

Do you like going to weddings?: I’ve only been to 3, but they were nice. I wouldn’t feel like going to any currently cause I just don’t have the energy or motivation to dress up and go and spend a few hours at such an event. And because I’m extra self-conscious now about how I look and blaaaah.

What’s your favourite flavour squash?: I don’t like squash.

What do you have on your toast?: I’m fine with just butter.

Who was the last person you know who became pregnant?: Someone on my Facebook.

Do you or anyone in your house have a severe allergy?: Nothing severe, no.

Are you a morning person or a night owl?: Night owl.

Beach, city or mountains?: The beach is my favorite, but I like the city and mountains, too. Just depends where I’m at and what I’m doing.

When you feel sad, you like to…: Cry, sleep, distract.

What letter does your middle name start with?:

Who was the last guest in your house and what were they staying for?: My aunt was over very briefly like a week ago.

What’s the first thing you’d see if you opened your fridge?: I’d probably notice the creamer first.

Do you have a stapler at your house?: Yeah, a few.

How many long term relationships have you been in?: Zero.

What noise really irritates you?: Oh, there’s several but one of the big ones is eating sounds.

Would you rather read a book or listen to an audiobook?: I’d rather read a book. I’d absorb it better. 

What fad were you actually into?: There’s been several along the way in my 31 years. One of the recent ones that come to mind is the whole TikTok craze. I don’t make them, I just spend a lot of time watching them, but still I never thought I’d get into it. 

How many people approximately live in your town/city?: I don’t know and I’m not checking. What country would you never want to visit?: >> Any place that is an active war zone at the time of my potential visit. <<< Yeah, I’d like to avoid that.

Do you know any other languages other than English?: Not fluently, but some Spanish.

Do you lock your door when you are in your house?: Yes? The doors leading inside/outside are always locked. 

What is larger - your book or dvd collection?: My books.

What was the last spontaneous thing you did?: I have no idea. I’m not really spontaneous. 

You get a call at 2am - your first thought is: ‘Who the hell is calling me??’  The only people that call me are my parents and brother, all of whom would be here at home at the time, so it would have to be a wrong number. I don’t answer the phone if I don’t know the number, but especially not at 2AM.

[dallas-owns-my-ass]

Let Them Talk

     Paring: Dally x Insecure! Reader

     Summary: Songfic based of the song Prom Queen by Beach Bunny. The reader feels insecure when people start talking about how she’s not as pretty as Dally’s ex’s.

     Warnings: swearing, insecurities, crying, smoking

------------------------------------------------------------------ 

     “Shut up, count your calories

     I never looked good in mom jeans”

      Laughter was the only thing to be heard coming from the group of young greasers. Two-Bit could never fail to raise our spirits. Johnny, Pony, Two-Bit, and I were walking to the DX to meet Soda and Steve during their break. Two-Bit tried to balance on a large stick he found, but unsuccessfully fell, causing the group to erupt in laughter once more. We crossed the road to walk into the DX to find Soda at one of the gas pumps with Tim Shepard and two members of his gang.

     “Hey Soda!” yelled Pony with a wave, gaining Soda’s attention.

     “Hey Pony” he hollered back.

     We went to join in on their banter, talking about everything from cars, to school, to girls.

     “Hey that’s Dally’s new girl right?” Tim asked, nodding at me. 

     Soda nodded in response, them going into their own separate conversation, while Ponyboy told us about school. But I was too focused on what Shepard had to say about me to listen to Pony.

     “She not bad, but Sylvia was a real looker. She had that blonde hair and was a lot skinnier. And she wore clothes where you could actually see her figure.” he joked.

     “Wish I, was like you

     Blue-eyed blondie, perfect body”

     Except it was far from a joke. I had long dark brown, almost black, curly hair, chocolate brown eyes, and a mocha complexion. I dressed like the guys in the gang too; leather jackets, cuffed skinny jeans, and converse. Why is he with me when he could be with someone like her? She was close to perfect with her straight, blonde hair, curvy but slim figure, and bright blue eyes. Her clothes were revealing, but they suited her. My figure was curvy, but more on the muscular side. I guess guys didn’t like that as much. 

     “Y/N”

     “Y/N” Ponyboy called again, snapping me out of my thoughts.

     “Oh sorry. I was daydreaming.”

     “Daydreaming about Dallas” Two-Bit mocked, bringing a light blush to my cheeks.

     “Oooh she’s blushing” Pony teased.

     “Yeah because she’s so in loveeee” Soda sang. Johnny even joined in with kissing noises. 

     “Shut up” I mumbled, now embarrassed, the blush on my cheeks growing.

      “They botherin’ you again doll?” said the familiar voice of Dallas Winston, as he slung an arm over my shoulder, pulling me close to him. 

     “Nah, we were just jokin’ around” I told him.

     “’Bout what?” 

     “Yeah why don’t you tell him Y/N?” Soda continued, wiggling his eyebrows.

     I smacked him on the arm. “It’s nothing, really.” 

     He raised his eyebrow but shrugged it off as he lit a cigarette. We walked out of the DX once Soda and Steve finished their shifts. I didn’t know where we were heading, probably the Curtis’s house. Tim Shepard’s words crossed my mind again. If he noticed that, everyone else probably did too, including Dally. 

    “Look I’mma head back to my place.” I told the group.

     “I got some school work to catch up on.”

     “Yeah like Y/N L/N ever does school work” Two-Bit remarked.

     “You just don’t wanna hang out with us no more” Johnny added on jokingly. I smiled at that.

     “Imma catch you guys later aii” I said as I began to walk off.

     “I’ll walk you” Dally said while throwing his arm over my shoulder.

     We didn’t usually walk in silence, but Dally was being a lot quieter today. And to be honest, I didn’t feel like talking. 

     “You wanna go on, umm, out tonight?” Dally asked 

     “But somewhere nice. Like one of them fancy Socs restaurants or something, with the fancy lights and stuff.”

     I smiled. He may not have been good at romantic gestures, but he tried, he really did.

     “You want to go to a Socs restaurant? You know you have to dress nice, Socs clothes and all that good stuff. I mean that’s assuming we don’t get jumped on our way there, you know?” I joked around with him. 

     “No I’m serious doll. You know I’d do anything for you.” he said giving me a quick kiss.

     “And wear something nice.” he said wiggling his eyebrows with a slight wink, as he walked off.

------------------------------

     “Maybe I should try harder

     You should lower your expectations

     I’m no quick curl barbie

     I was never cut out for prom queen”

     I almost tore apart my closet looking for something decent to wear. Well, something that looked decent on me. The clothes looked beautiful on the hangers. It was a beautiful dark red dress, that ended just above the knees. But the moment I put it on, I couldn’t help to feel overwhelmed by my insecurities. How it hugged my curves too tight, making my thighs look to big. Or the way it made my arms look in comparison to the rest of my body. I couldn’t explain it but it just made my arms look, weird, I guess. It would look beautiful on Sylvia. I thought of how the red would make her bright blue eyes pop out, and how the dress would only make her perfect figure more appealing. Getting frustrated, I ripped the dress off, and changed into one of Dally’s shirts, which went all the way past my knees, and went to go do my hair and makeup. 

     “If I get more pretty

     Do you think he will like me?”

     I tried to tame my curly hair, using a shit ton of gel and edge cream. I went to do my makeup, pulling out the brushes and other makeup crap. As I was applying the products, I couldn’t help but let my thoughts consume me. I couldn’t help it. The more I looked into the mirror, the more I worried about my appearance. If only I had a smaller nose. And rounder eyes. And if my lips were just a little bit more. . .  I broke down. Full on sobbing. Why was Dally even with me? He could get any girl he wanted. One who was prettier. One who was more girly. One who had more money, and less problems. 

     I jumped at the sudden hand on my shoulder. I turned around and was met with the eyes of Dallas Winston. I didn’t even hear him come in. I looked away, embarrassed. Dally had never seen me cry before. Nobody cries in front of Dallas Winston. Great. Now he probably thinks I’m some sensitive crybaby. 

     “Baby what happened? Did I do something wrong?” he asked softly, concern growing in his voice. 

     “hmm? Oh. No. Nothing’s wrong baby. I was just..” I said feeling kinda embarrassed. He didn’t buy it though, for he let out a long sigh. He pulled me out of the chair and into a hug.

     “Do you wanna talk about it?” he whispered.

     “No... yes.”

     “Disect, my insecurities

     I’m the deep end surgical project.

     It’s getting hard to breathe,

     There’s plastic wrap in my cheeks.”

     He pulled his arms off me, waiting for another response. I didn’t know what to say. How do you even explain that to someone, much less someone you love. I opened my mouth to say something, but no words came out. He should just leave you. You don’t deserve him. He doesn’t love you. He can do better. 

     “Do you love me?” I blurted out. Fuck.  Out of all the things I could have said, that’s what I fucking chose. His eyebrows furrowed together in confusion. There was silence fora couple of seconds, then he spoke up. 

     “What are you talking about? You know I love you doll. Is that what’s bothering you? I know I don’t show it much, but you’re the best thing that’s ever happened to me, you know that, right? I mean if it’s bothering you this much babe, I can change. Just why didn’t you tell me sooner baby?” I cut him off. 

     “Dally it’s not that. It’s just that... well I’m sure you’ve noticed, you know... compared to Sylvia, or anyone really, I’m not really that like... pretty or anything. And people talk and stuff, and I just think you could do better.” I mumbled that last part. He frowned.

     “Ya know none of that’s true doll? You’re the most beautiful woman in the world. Anyone who says otherwise is crazy. And people are always gonna talk and shit, but you can’t even be compared to Sylvia. Sylvia’s a bitch. She cheated on me the first chance she got. But you’re the complete opposite. You’re a leader, and you don’t take shit from no one, especially me. I know it ain’t much but... I think you’re absolutely breathtaking. And man, I wish you could see yourself the way I did.” I smiled. Dallas Winston wasn’t always sweet, but when he was, you could see that he really meant it.

     “And you got a nice ass.” he said, going back to his usual self.

     “I fucking love you Dallas.” 

     “I know you do doll.” 

More Like This

[elareine]

Adamare (1/7)

Read here on ao3.  Tags: Harry Potter AU, Friends to Lovers, Bruce Wayne is a good parent, Friendship, Teenagers, Christmas, First Love, Bullying, blood supremacy 

Summary: Jason starts magic school two years late and with a terrible reputation. To say that his time there isn’t easy would be an understatement. Some people, however, make everything worth it. 

Year One 

“Todd, Jason!” 

Feeling the stares on him as he walked to the front, Jason reminded himself that his clothing was just as new and shiny as everyone else’s here. Of course, that thought then just made him feel ashamed of himself. He’d been Bruce Wayne’s ward for less than five months; he wouldn’t start taking this money for granted, not now, not ever. 

Jason shifted his gait so his sneakers dragged along the ground a bit and his cloak fell open slightly, revealing his favorite hoodie underneath. There. Better. 

The room was silent as he sat down on the chair in the front and lifted the hat onto his head as he had seen other students do. It would sort them into houses, which was weird to Jason but supposedly normal for an English boarding school. Apparently, this school was modeled on a major one in Great Britain. The white upper-class wizards that had been among the first to ‘settle’ the East Coast had sniffed their noses at the school founded by an Irishwoman, of all people, and created one that reminded them of home barely two hundred miles away. 

It was called Schola Artis Magicae, for God’s sake. These people had not been imaginative. 

No. No, I suppose they weren’t. 

Oh, great, the hat was talking to him. How did that even work? Was it telepathy or just a shallow whisper into his ears? 

A curious mind, huh? Brave, too, though. Hm… Do you have a preference? 

Jason had read up on the houses in ‘A History of Magic’ before he came here, but even Alfred hadn’t been able to satisfactorily explain to him what the point was. Dividing children up by allegedly defining characteristics seemed premature to him, not to mention leading to potentially dangerous stereotyping. Why not just go and go by favorite color or something? What was the problem with drawing lots? It was just stupid—

I see. “Ravenclaw!”

Right. That was the blue and bronze table. Jason headed towards under applause that was lukewarm at best. A few students smiled at him, but mostly everyone was occupied with watching the rest of the sorting hat ceremony. 

When it was over, the food appeared. At least Jason had read about this, so he was prepared for this. Still, this was… a lot of food. Even Alfred would disapprove of the waste. Who even made all this? Hopefully, it was just a feast for a special occasion… 

As he ate, Jason looked around. The Hufflepuff and Gryffindor tables were behind him, so he focused on the Slytherin one (green and silver). He tried to remember what this house’s supposed defining trait was—cunning? Ambition? Something like that? Honestly, most of them just looked like kids to him. One of them was even tinier than all of the other first years. With a pang of pity, he thought: He’s gonna get eaten. 

Then, another one of the Slytherins said something, and Jason watched as the tiny first year drew himself up and fixed him with a glare so cold Jason was a bit surprised it wasn’t magical and turned the older student into stone. Jesus, where had the kid learned to do that? Jason clearly didn’t need to worry about him. 

Maybe he should worry about himself. None of his fellow first-years had spoken a word to him so far. 

After dinner, their prefect took them up to the tower. The riddle system for the portrait seemed easy to crack to Jason, but maybe that was the point? This was a school, for God’s sake. They were shown their rooms, but when Jason made to follow the other boys inside, the prefect took him aside. “Look, we’re aware you’re in a somewhat… unique situation.” 

Jason just stared at him, saying nothing. 

“And I thought… It just happens that two years ago, only one boy got selected for Ravenclaw. I’ve never been happy about having anyone living alone, so… maybe you’d be more comfortable rooming with someone your own age?” 

Great. Another thing that would make him stand out. Jason wanted to decline, saying he’d be just fine rooming with the eleven-year-olds.

However… looking at the group that was supposed to be his, he counted six people. Jason knew himself well enough to know that living with this many kids would drive him up the wall within a week. Rooming with a single person who hopefully had matured a bit might be more manageable. 

“Okay.” 

The prefect looked relieved. “Great. I already talked to him, he loved the idea. Your dorm is this one, then.” 

The staircase shifted enough to let Jason knock on the small, wooden door. 

“Come in!” a cheerful voice called. 

Jason did. The room was airy and spacious with two four-poster beds and roomy closets, as well as huge floor-to-ceiling windows. A lanky redhead sat on the ground between the beds, a multitude of random items spread around him. The first thing Jason noticed about him was his smile; the second was his hands, incongruously large and calloused for someone who looked like a breeze could topple him over. 

“Uh, hi? I’m supposed to be staying here.” 

The boy got up in a hurry. “Jason, right? Nice to meet you, dude, I’m Roy.” 

“Hey.” Jason gave an awkward little wave. 

“You can put your stuff in there. I’ve been sleeping by the wall, is that alright with you?” 

“Yeah, that’s fine.” Better than, actually. Closed spaces still made Jason antsy. 

While Jason unpacked his things (all the equipment Bruce had bought, some clothes, his favorite books), Roy sat back down on the ground and watched him. “So you’re my age, right?” 

“I guess? I’m thirteen.” 

“How come you’re only starting now?” 

Jason, to his own surprise, appreciated the frank questions. Might as well get it out now. “I was only adopted into a Wizarding family last year.”

“Oh yeah, by the Waynes, right? I know your brother.” 

Well, that made one of them. Dick had been very distant when he’d been home during the summer; Jason had gotten the distinct impression that he’d disapproved of Bruce adopting Jason. The fighting had been hard to miss. 

“Didn’t you get your letter before that, though?” Roy asked curiously. 

Jason shrugged. “Sure. But I had no way to follow up on it.” A kid trying to fend for himself on the streets didn’t have the kind of resource that got him to a magical train station. Not to mention, he wouldn’t have been able to afford a wand, back then. 

Trying to lighten the mood, he added: “I also thought it was a prank. Like, if you’re a muggle, giant owls following you to draft you into a magic school means that you’ve either gone mad, your friends are having a laugh, or someone is trying to kidnap you.” 

Roy snorted. “Fair. Well, you’re here now. Wanna help me build a glitter bomb?” 

Jason took in the equipment surrounding his new roommate. “That’s a lot of stuff for a simple glitter bomb.” 

“The plan might just be to have it follow around the DADA teacher. Have it spell out stuff, maybe.”

“Why the DADA teacher?” 

“She likes making the first-years cry on their first day.” 

Jason thought of the prim blonde sitting at the teacher’s table and plopped down next to Roy. “Can you add sound? I’m thinking ‘Barbie Girl.’” 

Roy held out a hand. “Jason, this is the beginning of a beautiful friendship.” 

Jason shook it gravely. Maybe this year wouldn’t be so bad. 

[wolfpawn]

I Hate You, I Love You, Chapter 26

Chapter Summary -  The newspapers give some of Taylor's thoughts on the matter, leading Tom to discuss things with both Luke and Benedict separately, while Danielle has to try and get back to life behind the camera, with people taking interest in her for what they've read.

Previous Chapter

Rating - Mature (some chapters contain smut)

Triggers - references to Tom Hiddleston’s work with the #MeToo Movement. That chapter will be tagged accordingly.

authors Note - I have been working on this for the last 3 years, it is currently 180+ chapters long.  This will be updated daily, so long as I can get time to do so, obviously.

So, the headlines are in Italics again, but most disturbing is the fact the four last ones are not ones I fabricated, but actually published pieces. If Taylor's PR is the ones putting these out there, then they are scum, if they are not denying it, they still are scum, and what scares me is the fact that there are some morons that will swallow this shit up. But she cannot always play the victim.

tags: @sweetkingdomstarlight-blog  @jessibelle-nerdy-mum@nonsensicalobsessions @damalseer @hiddlesbitch1 @winterisakiller

If you wish to be tagged, please let me know.

Taylor – Tom made me break up with Calvin; the worst mistake I could ever make.

Taylor holds head high after Hiddleston’s secret lover revealed.

Taylor broke off relationship when she suspected Hiddleston’s affections lay elsewhere.

Taylor Swift – “I knew there was something going on.”

Tom Hiddleston’s secret girlfriend, the real reason Taylor left him.

Taylor Swift “I feel used.”

Tom Hiddleston, Taylor Swift 2016: Actor Lied About Calvin Harris To Solo the ‘Bad Blood’ Singer?

Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris Split after Tom Hiddleston Lied about the DJ.

Tom Hiddleston Is a First Class Home-wrecker.

Taylor Swift: Tom Hiddleston Was the Reason Why She Dumped Calvin Harris.

Tom stared at the headlines that faced him before rubbing his face with his hands, sighing, and then groaning in frustration. He knew Taylor would say something, but he had not expected this. “So I am a Home Wrecker, a user, and abusive?”

Luke bit his tongue for a moment, knowing no good could come from him saying that the moment Tom introduced himself to the star; he was on course for terrible accusations against him once it all ended. “Apparently, yes.”

“Does anyone believe this?”

“A few, mostly fools who think that the woman is incapable of wrongdoing and blindly follow everything the brat says solely based on the fact she donates money to some good causes.”

“What?”

“I have had people watching social media; apparently her generous nature regarding charity absolves her from any faults as an individual.”  Luke scoffed. “There are too many fools in the world.”

“What are the chances she never releases more songs?” Tom groaned.

“As likely as Theresa May coming out as a supporter of left-wing liberalism.”

“Seriously, political sarcasm?”

“You asked.” Luke shrugged. “Any word from Ms Hughes?” Tom winced slightly. “I shall take that as a resounding no.”

“She hasn’t deleted me from her Facebook,” Tom commented hopefully.

Luke grimaced. “Please do not tell me you are Facebook stalking her?”

“She’s back in Ireland for a week, and then she is off to a new set.”

“Tom, that is not normal, I mean seriously, you get weirded out by fans that do that to you.”

“What am I going to do Luke?”

“Nothing, I told you, you need to back off, she has a boyfriend. Can you imagine how hard it will be for her to explain all of this to him?”

“He knows she is friends with the family, he has gone to dinner with Emma and Jack and mum has had him over.”

“That’s some good news, but if she mentions the kiss?” Tom did not respond, “You see, you have caused her enough trouble Tom, just give it time, she forgave you for the shit you pulled when you were seeing “PR Barbie", so she will probably forgive this too.” Luke gave an encouraging smile.

“I just…” tom shook his head. “Why didn’t I ever notice?”

“Your infatuation?”

“It’s not an infatuation.”

Luke rose to his feet. “You never realised your feelings for her because she never allowed you to realise that you were envious by not having a partner, and upon her having one, you, my friend, left it too late.”

“What do you mean? Do you think we could have if I had…?”

“Could you have started seeing her, yes. Would it have lasted, well, the odds, however, were never in your favour.”

Tom bit the inside of his cheeks. It was against the odds to succeed in Hollywood, but he had done it, he could easily have worked on making things work with Danielle too, if only he had tried.

*

The news reached the set before Danielle did, and much to her chagrin, she noticed that it seemed to be a popular topic of conversation for some people.

“Hughes, a word.” She grimaced as she walked over to Irlam. “You never mentioned that you know Tom Hiddleston.”

“His mum is my next door neighbour.”

“But you said nothing.”

“Why would I?”

“Well, in this industry, it helps to know people.”

Danielle’s nostrils flared slightly. “It may help, but there is no merit behind it, besides, what would I say? That I know the man to see once a blue moon between movies that comes to visit his mum for a day or two, that I salute him if I see him having a jog.”

“If papers are to be believed, you know him considerably better than that.”

“You shouldn’t believe everything you read.” She smiled and winked.

“He’s a great guy, isn’t he?” Irlam chucked. “I worked with him, so willing to try and do everything right.”

Danielle smiled sadly, “Yeah, Tom is a good man, those photo’s, he brought me and his mum to a restaurant to celebrate me getting all of this.” She explained. “Nothing else, just because I get on well with his sister and mum, and because I never try and use them for anything.” Her voice cracked slightly at the end, her hurt at what she perceived to be a mistake on Tom's behalf becoming harder to disguise as she spoke of him, and some of his traits she had always adored. “Sorry.”

“Are you alright?” Irlam asked in concern.

“Yeah, just…the publicity from all of this, I mean, I am…there’s a reason I wanted to work behind cameras, you know?”

“Well for me, I go with the idea that I have a face meant for radio.” He joked, causing her to laugh slightly, “But yes, I understand, I see it sometimes with actors, they realise that the life of anonymity is destroyed once they become famous. What you are saying is you are not even in a relationship with Tom, yet you are receiving the attention of such, an even more horrible situation; especially if you never wanted such in the first place.” He added more solemnly. “No to mention, you now have the attention of one bitter brat.”

“God, what is that bitch saying now?” Danielle was half afraid to ask.

Irlam frowned, “You’ve had interactions with her before?”

“Sadly yes, she was at his mum’s with him, and well, she is as crazy as that supposed skit song implies, like literally, batshit crazy. She genuinely thought I would be envious of her.” Danielle scoffed.

“Well, she is the victim.” Irlam began.

“When is she ever not?”

“And he is abusive, a user and a home wrecker.” Danielle felt terrible for Tom. “From what I have read, prepare for a song about you.”

“That’s what she does, isn’t it?” Danielle sighed.

“Sadly yes, now, back to what we do. I need to talk to you regarding a scene where we have the dragon breathe fire.”

“It had to be a fucking dragon.” Danielle groaned, readying herself for the madness of the day ahead.

*

“Do I want to ask?” Benedict walked into Tom’s London home, looking around at what would probably be described as slight untidiness to most other people, but in Tom’s case, could only be called chaos. “The place is a wreck.”

“I kissed her.”

“Who?”

“Danielle, I kissed her Ben, and she rejected me.”

“Tom.” Benedict looked at him sympathetically.

“I just…I don’t think this actually hurt so much before.”

“I…I get it, in a way, I mean I was with Olivia for a decade, I thought that she was it, and it wasn’t to be.”

“You think Danielle isn’t…”

Benedict raised his hands. “I am not saying she is or she isn’t, I cannot answer that for you, but I can say this; if it hurts this much, there has to be more to this than simple lust.”

“I love her.”

“Fuck Tom, I’m sorry mate.” Ben gave a sympathetic look. “What exactly happened?”

Tom relayed everything, the meal, the conversation, the paparazzi, and the issue outside her door. “The way she acted, she was almost crying as she told me to leave, like I destroyed everything.”

Ben cocked his head slightly, “Wait, what do you mean crying? She was crying.”

“No, nearly crying, she just kept begging me to leave,” Tom explained.

Benedict’s eyes darted side to side for a moment as he thought about what Tom had said. “You need to just get some rest; you’re off to Oz again tomorrow, aren’t you?”

“Yeah, I need to redo a few scenes; apparently one of the minor actors has had to be swapped out.”

“The joys of the industry,” Benedict commented sarcastically. “Well, go, get some vitamin D, because fuck knows we are getting none here with this weather, and when you come back, we will have to further this conversation.” Tom scoffed a little, but said his goodbyes and made his way home to pack. Taking out his phone, Ben texted Sophie what Tom had just said, wanting her opinion on the situation. When his phone indicated a new message received a few minutes later, he chuckled to himself as he read his wife’s reply. “I thought as much.”

[marsmoonqueen]

There’s Nothing to Fix

Professor!Negan x Reader

Warning: Long as fuck. Nothing else I can really think about.

Prompt / Summary: Reader is Negan’s favorite student. How is he going to fix the things between both of them?

Note:  Well, this is the second part of “ Sleeping Test” Hope you like it! 

A week passed after the “incident” with Professor Negan. A week in which Y/n did not go to any of her Mythology classes, with the excuse that she was sick. In those 5 days, she had enough time to think properly and heal a little. A part of her wanted to go back to Negan and apologize, to ask him to forgive her and take all what he said back, to beg him to keep thinking of her as his favorite student. But the other part, the prideful, spiteful and choleric part of herself was wrathful, and wanted him to regret telling her that, to regret making her cry. Because it wasn’t her fault. Yeah, she partied all night long, the night before her test, but everyone has done that at least once. And everyone has done that because it feels good. Because we are humans and we deserve to be carefree and wild for a night. And even after all, she didn’t regret going to that party to support her best friends.

“When are you going back to your classes?” Tyler asked her. They were in her room. Y/n was lying in her stomach doing the Mythology’s homework to catch up, and he was in her couch reading some Biology stuff.

“What do you mean? I haven’t missed a class since Wednesday, and I caught up with the subjects already.”

“You haven’t missed a single class since then? You sure?” He insisted.

“Shut up.”

“You know you will have to go back one day, right?” Tyler tried to sound comprehensive.

Y/n didn’t respond.

“And that day will come sooner than later.”

She stopped writing and looked at him for the first time since he started talking.

“I’ll go next week.”

“Well, that’s awesome, and so convenient because in two days is Monday again and-”

“No, I mean, next week, after this one.” The girl interrupted him.

“Oh hell no.” Tyler got up from his spot in the couch, walked to his friend and took her wrists, making her get out of bed gently but firmly.

“Tyler what the-”

“You, my friend, are going in two days to that stupid class, no next week, no next month, two days.”

“I don’t want to.”

“Oh, you don’t want to, but you do want to fail de class, eh?  Stop being a cry baby. Yes, he made fun of you in front of, what? 50 people.”

“52, thanks for remind me.” She answered with a bitter tone as she got off his hands and sited down in her bed.

“Oh shut up. What’s the big deal with that? Do you think you are the only one that has passed through that?  Don’t you remember Glenn?  The boy is always getting detention for talking too much with Maggie!”

“It’s… It’s just not the same.”

“Then enlighten me! What’s the difference?”

“He… he had never talked to me like that before. That was the first time that he raised his voice at me.”

Tyler’s eyes softened and he took sit next to her to hug her.

“I know, but… you can’t let him get away with this.  Would you rather avoid him for a month and then have to see him in the summer because you failed the class for non-attendance?”

“No, I would rather not to.”

“Then woman up! Go to his class, show him how intelligent and badass you can be at the same time and end this. For you are just hurting yourself.  Do you really think that he is sad?  Or that he regrets yelling at you?  I’ll answer that for you, no, he doesn’t.  So, go get some pants, or a skirt if you prefer, and do your god damn job.”

  But, truth to be told, Negan was sad. He regretted yelling at his girl, and more than that, he hated that he was the reason why she spilled tears. All he said, all he screamed, he really didn’t mean it. How could he be serious about her being a wanna be Barbie?

It’s just that… he was so mad and… and disappointed. Disappointed because she went to that party with that boy who couldn’t treat her half as good as he could. Disappointed because she chose that son of a bitch instead of him… but again, she really didn’t choose anyone, she just went to a party. Her only mistake was not studying, and even then, she had an acceptable score.

Why?

Why did he have to be so rude to her? Why did he have to make fun of her score in front of the class? Why did it affect him that much?

“You know, you could apologize.” Professor Rick Grimes said as he entered the room and left some papers in Negan’s desk.

“What are you talking about Ricky Dicky?”

“I’m talking about the student to whom you yelled like she had murdered a puppy just because she went to a party a day before.” He answered taking sit in the desk, facing the chairs and giving his back to Negan, who raised his brow but said nothing about the action.

“Shut the fuck up.”

“I mean it-”

“Well, how the god damn hell am I supposed to apologize if she keeps skipping classes? Eh? You have any ideas mate?”

“She can’t skip classes forever.” Was his only answer.

Negan growled and rested his head on his hands, frustrated. “That’s not what I asked.”

“Yeah, well, I’m not really sure what you are asking for.”

“Help.” Rick turned his head to see Negan, who was already looking at him. “I’m not sure of what to do.”

Grimes noticed the difference between the Negan of last week and this one. The one in front of him looked like a living corpse, with bags under his irritated and red eyes and everything. He noticed everything since the beginning, but blamed the stress. Just now he realized that the stress had nothing to do with it.

“Why did you yell at her?” He asked curiously, after some minutes of silence, turning his gaze to the front again. “It’s not like any of your other students haven’t done that.  Or worse.”

“It’s different with her.”

“Why?”

“She has a lot of fucking potential, and I don’t want her to-”

“Waste it. Yeah, that’s what I was told you told her.” Rick interrupted, standing up and facing Negan with his arms supporting his weight on the desk. “Now, tell me the real reason why you lost your shit.”

Negan froze. “Wha- What are you talking about Dicky? I didn’t lose my shit.” He got up and gave his back to Grimes.

“Yeah, of course.” Rick rolled his eyes. “And it has nothing to do with her boyfriend using her and her being a… how did you called her?”

The man swallowed hard. “A fake-doll” He whispered feeling guilty.

“Oh, yeah that.” His friend pushed, trying to make Negan cooperate with him. But he only managed to make him sight and look at his shoes. “Negan, look at me man.” He did. “I can’t help you if you don’t tell me what’s wrong. C’mon, talk to me.”

“You want me to fucking talk? Okay, then lets fucking talk.”

  “Hey, Y/n, it’s good to see you here again.” Said Beth smiling, when she arrived to her Monday Mythology class. She just smiled back.

Other classmates also greeted her, telling her about what she missed and all commenting about Negan’s bad humor the anterior week. Once more, she just smiled, made smooth comments and avoided the topics about the teacher, feeling safer every minute about the fact that nobody was bringing the elephant of the room to the conversations.

All the laughs and smiled faded when a loud blow sounded. It was the door from which a frustrated Negan entered, as he passed by, he gave them all a quick look, and went straight to his desk, demanding silence.

“Hope you have read today’s topic, because it can be easy as hell if you did, if not… you’ll be fucked.”  Then he turned around and froze. He saw her.

Y/n held his gaze when his eyes met her, she didn’t make any expression, nor got flushed or flinched, just raised a brow, and that was enough to punch Negan out of his state.

She was mad and wasn’t going to let that anger go away easily. She had finally understood that it wasn’t her mistake, and was going to pay him back with her indifference.

The two hours’ class passed slow for both of them. Negan hadn’t lied when he said they all would be fucked if they hadn’t read the topic, for it was a complex one. Y/n did not participate willingly in any question he asked or in any activity he dictated. But Negan asked her the majority of the questions and asked for her point of view in the activities. She responded to all with a correct answer, but with a monotone tone and expression.

When the second bell finally ringed, she got up and without rush she leaved with her friends around her asking about her last week. She didn’t give Negan time to ask her to stay, but he doubted she would have.

 The week passed with similarity. In the beginning Negan though she was acting that way just to make him feel guilty. But she laughed with her friends and lived her life normally. She didn’t even try to avoid him, and when she saw him outside class, she just ignored him. Of course she greeted him in front of other teachers, but her face never changed. All of her was screaming at him that she didn’t care. At least not anymore.

  Friday’s class arrived with rain, a relaxed Y/n and an equally stressed Negan; and also a test. The instructions were the same, except for a little variation. Nobody was going home until everybody got their test was graded, and the tests were going to be grated after everyone had finished. Everybody thought the same “Bullshit”

Usually Negan would let the go after they finished a test, but this was the second time he changed his strategy, the fist being the night of the “incident”.

Y/n gave it back a little before the second hour started, and spend the rest of it in her laptop making a book report, with Negan’s eyes glued to her.

After everyone gave them back, Negan finished grading them and started to distribute them. One in one her classmates were exiting the room after taking their tests. Y/n had already packed everything except for a book, and was currently listening music and reading in her chair in a careless position. She seemed bored and wanting to go out, not because his presence made her nervous or something, but because she was disgusted, or tired. Or that’s what Negan thought.

But Y/n was an excellent actress. She was sweating and her heart was going to an abnormal rate. She couldn’t concentrate in her book and had to listen to her favorite band and hum her significant songs to avoid panicking. And being the last one in the room with her professor didn’t help at all.

“This is yours, very well sweetheart.” Negan said out loud, looking at her eyes.

Y/n froze; she couldn’t move from her place. Her eyes traveled from her book to Negan’s eyes to her phone, and changed the song with her shaking hands. Of course Negan didn’t see this, he just saw how she ignored him.

The girl was having difficulties finding a song that could calm her down enough and give her the strength she needed to go and take her test. Finally, she decided to take it from his desk after he had gone.

“Your test pretty girl.” Negan said putting the paper above her book. He was in front of her with a nervous smile. One she had never seen in him. “Well-fucking-done honey.”

“I heard you the first time sir.  I just thought that I was fake-doll now, no sweetheart, no pretty girl, nor honey.” She said, with a cynical smile. She herself, got surprised by her outburst, but regretted nothing as she got up from her sit and took her bag in one hand with her book, test and phone in the other.

Negan who was shocked, took her by the elbow. “Wait a motherfucking second, and stop acting like that!” He whisper-yelled at her.

“Acting like what?” Y/n said, tuning to face him fully, and taking off her headphones in one go. “I’m not acting in any specific way, sir.”

“Stop it! See, you are fucking doing it fucking again!”

“Fucking doing what? Eh?” She got closer to him. Her face red, his jaw clenched, her eyes teary, his eyes darker than usual, her body slightly shaking, his tense as hell.

“Stop fucking acting like-”

“Like fucking what?” She interrupted him. At this point their noses were centimeters away from each other.

“Like you don’t fucking care! Like I didn’t hurt the hell out of you!” Negan growled, with the same tone he used that day.

The girl in front of him gasped “That’s what you want? To know that you hurt me? That you made me cry?” She broke, her expression changed, and her eyes were at the verge of shedding tears.

“No- no, sweetheart that’s not what I meant.” He said softly, regretting had yelled –again- at her. “Hey, hey, no, come here.” He gently pulled her from her elbow, that he hadn’t let go, until she was between her arms. When she realized what had happened it was already too late. His arms imprisoned her.

“Let me go!” She whispered as she withed in his arms.

“No, no, you and I are going to stay like this until we fix this.” He told her as he moved carefully to his desk. Once there he leaned in his desk to have some support and continued hugging her. Y/n had already forgotten the idea of fighting and was just crying her heart out in Negan’s chest.

“There’s- There’s nothing to fi-fix” She managed to say between hiccups.

“Yes there it is… you know that, sweetie.” He whispered to her ear.

“You haven’t even apologized.”

“I know-”

“You were so rude, you made me feel bad with myself.” The girl said raising her head to see his, her red puffy eyes connecting with his, making him feel guiltier.

“I know baby, I’m- I’m-”

“Why would you do that?!” Y/n pushed herself away from him, but it was pointless, he didn’t let her get away.

“Hey, hey, okay let me explain… I, well, I had a-”

“A bad day? That’s why you treated me like that?! Like I was the worse trash.”

“You are no trash-”

“I know that!” She yelled again.

Negan was losing her, she was panicking and getting angrier. The peace and willingness to hear his version was fading fast because he couldn’t get his shit together. Y/n was looking at him and trying harder to get out of his embrace. Even though it felt like heaven, he wasn’t going to apologize, or explain. Being there was pointless.

Just when she was going to finally scape his arms, his lips connected with hers. She tried to resist. But the devil won in the end, and she deepened the kiss, dropping her bag and book pass her arms behind his neck. A melody came to her brain and made her smile in the kiss. Damn his lips were addictive, but air was necessary.

“I’m sorry, baby. I wish I hadn’t yelled at you, it was a bad fucking day, and… and I was mad at you.” He said when they got their breath back.

“At me?  Why?” She looked at his eyes with a curious and innocent expression, all anger gone.

“Why? I dunno, maybe because you didn’t fucking study for the test I god damn told you to study for, just because you wanted to go to a party with your idiot of a boyfriend.” Even though that was the reason that made him blow a week prior, he couldn’t find in himself anger to lecture her, instead, he kissed her nose as he spoke softly.

“My boyfriend? That’s all? You- you were jealous?” Y/n asked with a goofy smile. Negan’s lips were making her incoherent.

“Yeah, that damn idiot. And no, I was not.” The man stopped petting her so she could focus, and maybe, tell him what he was dying to hear.

“Ty is not my boyfriend, just a very good friend, I don’t like him that way.” She said all serious. Negan studied her for a moment, then broke in a smile.

“Oh, really? Then who do you like that way? Mmh?” He continued placing his lips in her cheeks and neck, checking from time to time the door, to be sure no one was coming.

“Well- I- mhh.”

“I don’t know that fella.” He tickled her sides.

“You! Agh, stop it.” She laughed.

“Fan-fucking-tastic sweetheart. That’s what I wanted to hear.” He kissed her again. “Now, why don’t you let me repay you with a date and more kisses? Mhh, what do you say beautiful?”

Y/n giggled. “I would love that.”

<3

@nijiru @neganscherryblue

Thanks for all!

[chronically-autistic-dinosaur]

This is an EXTREMELY long post, but there you have it:

With the exception of the first photo, these tests were taken in March. I took the same tests back in November and I took them even earlier than that as well. I got nearly the the same results. I score high for Aspergers. I’ve had questions and concerns for the past 5 or so years about whether or not I had ASD (certain things stuck out to me) and so I started to do some research. I did those tests, talked to some people, and looked into my childhood and realized the signs were always there. Now, I could pay almost $3000 and get my diagnosis on a piece of paper, but what’s the point of that? I’ll still get the same results on the tests. The diagnosis will just sit in my medical file and unless I plan on getting government benefits, I don’t see the point. Yes, I was diagnosed when I was 12. No, I don’t have it in writing anywhere (that I know of). My testing was done as part of a clinical trial I was in and the results of those are never made public or put in a medical record. It sucks, but that’s how those things work. My parents know my diagnosis and I know. That’s enough for me.

Yes, I hit every developmental milestone, but most of us with Aspergers do. We don’t normally have the speech and language deficits that those elsewhere on the spectrum will have. It’s why we are usually misdiagnosed/diagnosed later in life. We are more intelligent than most people. My IQ is 120 (according to all the free tests I’ve done here and the over the years). Now that’s not genius level, but it IS higher than normal. I was reading proficiently at 4 years old. By the time I was in Kindergarten, I was reading at a grade 3 level and could comprehend what I was reading. We have excellent memory recall. I can retain information a lot easier than most. I could name the capital cities of most countries (and if given a few minutes, I could still remember). I love reference books and text books and I was the same way as a child. I’ve always been smarter than my age, which is common for Aspies.

In the language category though, I DO have minor echolalia. I will mimic/repeat what people have said to me. When a customer tells me they are paying with debit (or whatever their payment method is), I will repeat what they said. I’ll repeat numbers back when someone is telling me them. I’ll repeat phrases I hear on TV or movies. It may be immediate or it may be a delayed response somewhere down the road. I use words and phrases out of context. I’ll print something or a receipt will print and I will say “perfect” or “excellent.” I heard the word somewhere and I’m now repeating it in a situation. I talk to myself. And I’m talking full on conversations. Extremely common in those with ASD. I did it as a child as well but it would have been chalked up to “oh she just has an imaginary friend.”

I have very particular interests. At the age of 5, I was reading medical dictionaries and encyclopedias. I love anything medical. I love true crime and serial killers. My favourite TV shows are either medical or crime related. In grade 2, I knew the name of every dinosaur and what period they lived in. If I’m talking to people and they don’t like either of those things, the conversation is over. I could go on and on about my interests and not get bored. This is another ASD trait.

I also inventoried my Halloween candy. I did this every year up until I stopped trick or treating. I organized my teddy bears and inventoried them as well. In fact, everything in my bedroom was inventoried. I had a massive Barbie doll collection and I would spend hours setting everything up in VERY specific spots. It would stay like that for months and the Barbies wouldn’t get played with because I didn’t want anything to get touched and wrecked.

Stimming. It’s a coping mechanism. It’s how I deal with the world around me. Stimming calms me down and can prevent a meltdown. As a child, I chewed things. I chewed my sleeves on my sweaters and the collars on my t-shirts. I sucked on my fingers/hands. I still chew. I chew on hoodie strings. I chew my nails (which I also did as a kid). I play with my hands. I bang my fists against my legs. I play with headphone wires. I also do the stereotypical autistic clapping of the hands. It’s the most obvious of my stims, but what can you do? 🤷🏻‍♀️

Sensory Processing Disorder. This is the most common sign of ASD. In fact, anyone with autism will have SPD to some degree. This was actually the first thing I started researching since a person can have SPD without being autistic. After doing my research, that wasn’t my case. I have mild-moderate SPD. I have always been a picky eater. I eat foods based off of their texture. It’s why I eat a lot of processed food. It has no texture. I don’t like sticky foods like fruit because I can’t stand having sticky hands. In fact, I can’t stand having dirty hands in general. I eat finger food with a fork and a knife for this exact reason. My food can’t touch (unless it’s a stir fry or something) I can’t have tags in my shirts. I don’t wear belts. I don’t wear tight clothing. I don’t like being touched or hugged. It’s uncomfortable. This is also common in people with ASD. As a kid, I was forced to hug because in a NT (Neurotypical) world, that’s what you do. So I learned to fake it. I get window seats on planes so the flight attendants and other passengers can’t touch me. I wear noise cancelling headphones so I can block out most of the noise outside. It can be a tad overwhelming at times. I am sensitive to bright lights, high pitched sounds and certain smells. My brain doesn’t have a filter to properly filter out all the different senses so overload is a thing and always has been. My migraines are more than likely because of sensory overload. As a child, my sensory overload may have disguised itself as something else, though.

Social Interaction. Those with ASD struggle with social skills. I can count on one hand how many friends I had in school. And I’m going from Kindergarten to Grade 12. And I no longer have regular contact with these people. I was able to copy (common for those with ASD) those around me and make friends that way. But I had no idea what I was really doing. Making friends is hard when you have ASD. I lack the social skills needed to talk to people. I was shy. I liked playing alone because it was easier than talking to people and I could be off in my own world. To this day, I still don’t like talking to people. I have to rehearse what I’m saying before I say it. I don’t like talking on the phone. I will use self serve checkouts if I only have a few items. I use the self serve kiosks at McDonalds so I don’t have to speak to an employee. I have learned to adapt in a NT world and I have a job that requires me to talk to people. But it’s repetitive. I say the same thing to each customer. If I have to deviate from that system, I’m flustered. I do not make eye contact with people. It’s unnerving. I look past people. I struggle with reading body language. I avoid most large social gatherings. I’m not trying to be anti-social. But having to deal with all the people and the noise gives me anxiety and overwhelms me. Even in school, when ever there was some event in the class, I would try and be in the back, so I wouldn’t have to interact with anyone.

Emotions. I struggle with empathy and sympathy. Not ALL those with ASD have issues with those but I do. I have a hard time feeling sorry for people or knowing what people are going through. I don’t know why people are crying sometimes. I don’t know what to do when people are crying. Even as a kid, I could hurt my siblings and it wouldn’t bother me that they were in pain. I simply didn’t care. I also don’t express my emotions correctly or know WHEN to correctly express my emotions. It’s why I threw tantrums as a child. It’s one of the reasons I saw a counselor in Grade 3.

Meltdowns. These are different then tantrums. Meltdowns happen when I get too overwhelmed with everything (sensory overload or stress) and I shut down. I CAN go non-verbal but that is extremely rare. I also suffer from shutdowns, which are milder forms of meltdowns.

Routine and Structure. Another big sign of those with ASD is routine. This is one of the the things that stuck out to me the most before I even started doing research. I always had a routine. And it couldn’t be changed or it would cause major problems for me. I have morning routine and it doesn’t matter where I am, I follow it. I have another routine for my Monday and Friday shifts. If it deviates at all, we could have a meltdown depending on how much of a deviation there is. I don’t recall much routine as a child, but I imagine it was there in some form.

Those with ASD have sleep problems. I wake up 3-4 times a night and I remember being this way even as a child. I am never tired though. 4 hours of sleep has always been sufficient for me and the research I have done on ASD and sleep shows this to be a common thing. I also have to sleep with my iPad on. I can’t have complete silence or darkness when I sleep. I can recall sleeping with my light on when I was younger.

Now how did I go so long without any of this being noticed by teachers or even my parents? Well I was born in 1989. Autism was not a big thing back then so it wouldn’t have been on the radar of anyone, really. My mom did tell me that I’ve always had behavioural issues and “strange and odd” behaviour since I was a baby/child but again, autism was not the thing it is now so there was no reason to have me tested when I was really young. Same as in school. It was chalked up to “behavioural issues” or “bad parenting.” Females are more commonly misdiagnosed or not diagnosed at all because doctors still hold the belief that only males can have ASD. Females are also better at masking their ASD traits than males. I have been masking the majority of my life. It’s how I’ve been able to keep the same job for 10 years. It’s how I managed to make the friends I did. I can appear NT even though I am not. Masking is also physically exhausting and I am trying harder to NOT mask.

Being part of an Aspergers group on Facebook and being a part of the autistic community on Tumblr has really helped me. It lets me know there are others JUST like me with the same things and that I am not alone.

“I have autism. It’s a part of who I am.”

[mywinestainedheart]

Depression, Anxiety and … Cigarettes?

I’m not a smoker.

I know this because I take three drags then let it burn to the butt between my fingers. Sometimes it dies before I even take those three drags because I’m not pulling hard enough. Other times I put it out myself and get back to that same stick a week later.

I hate the taste. I usually eat something or wash my mouth out with toothpaste to get rid of it. I hate the smell. I wash my hands three times, toss my jerseys into the washing machine and hang my head over the bathtub for a conditioner-rinse to douse all traces of the scent.

I’m not a smoker.

What I am is a heartbroken, social media stalking, recently-diagnosed-with-depression twenty-eight year old woman trying to quell the anxiety she’s, apparently, been living with since her teenage years. Childhood bullying and molestation sob-stories aside, I always knew there was something functionally wrong with me.

Online descriptions of depression will detail a broad list of symptoms that essentially claim everyone in the world to be depressed. Sleep disorderliness, apathy, agitation, lack of concentration, poor appetite etc., etc. By that standard, my whole first year class at uni was depressed, so I never thought much of it. Besides, this would happen in bouts. It was never consistent. I’d experience an odd wave of anxiety that would come out of nowhere, but hang out with my smoker friends and feel fine for the next five to ten minutes. The next day, that anxiety might even be gone. I would have breakdowns and cry about feeling ugly, vapid and worthless, then eventually sober to no sense of feelings at all. I tend to overthink and get angry very easily. Someone cutting me off in traffic can have me ruminating over it for the rest of the day. I prefer to keep to myself, yet I’m constantly seeking distractions. In childhood it was imaginary worlds through Barbie dolls, in adulthood it was sex. Happiness would come and go, but pessimistic thoughts about myself, my life and my chances of finding love in a partner the way it seemed so easy for all my prettier friends were an ever-present influence on my psyche.

People will tell you “just snap out of it”, “think positive”, “thoughts become things” and, my personal favourite, “choose to be happy”. Well, gee! I never thought of that, clueless Life Orientation teacher who has probably never stepped out of her comfort zone within the northern suburbs of Johannesburg. Imma just wake up tomorrow and tell myself to be in a better mood.

I had learned to exist in this way: Feeling empty and, fittingly, not having a name for it. Feeling sad and not having a reason for it. Overthinking and comparing myself to every girl who walked into the room because I believed that everyone else could see how much lesser than I was compared to her too. I would come up after brushing my teeth to stare at my reflection in the bathroom mirror and wonder what it would be like to just not exist anymore.

We used to live in an upmarket housing complex in Johannesburg. People who lived in this area are usually well off. They aren’t thought to have problems, and yet, we had a neighbour whose husband shot himself in the complex park. Years later, I heard of a former high school classmate of mine who shot himself in the middle of the street in the same area.

It got me thinking: People who are only occasionally sad, like me, don’t frequently envy people who had the gall to commit suicide, do they?

The first time I went to a psychiatrist was because I broke down in front of my mother the night before. My heart was bleeding from a breakup I hated that I was going through. This man insisted that I “didn’t deserve him”, but the twenty-four-year-old yuppie he used to go to school with, for some reason, did. He picked her over me and he’s happy with his choice. Put that on top of an entire existence of feeling lesser than, and I realised I was a ticking timebomb.

I was toying with the idea of suicide and noticed that the only thing holding me back was a fear of the unknown.

These thoughts are not new, by the way. I’d been having them since childhood. The one I entertained the most was standing behind the kitchen door with a knife to my chest, so that when someone swung the door open, the blade would push through my ribcage. Obviously, this would not be as simple in execution, but I was nine and it was a fantasy. Give me a break.

Upon hearing that I was thinking of killing myself, my mother chortled and told me “you’re behaving like a teenager”. That response would be the number one reason I have never spoken about my deeper feelings with my mom before this. It wasn’t that she didn’t know how to love, it was that she didn’t understand that someone like me required a different type of love. A child might not say so because they themselves don’t know what it is, but there will always be subtle signs of a mood disorder. In hindsight, I’d displayed a number of them, but I was dismissed as being anti-social, sullen or attention-seeking.

“I’m just so tired,” I remember saying, choking on my own tears.

“Of what?” My mother demanded. She couldn’t understand what I could possibly be talking about. You’re only twenty-eight, you have a roof over your head and both parents that love you. You have a job. We’ve given you a car. You have freedom. You have friends. What on earth could have you crying like the world was coming to an end?

“Everything,” I said. Because that was the truth. I was tired of everything. I was tired of waking up every morning and remembering that the man I loved had chosen someone else over me. I was tired of driving for an hour every day to get into town, passing everything that reminded me of him and the breakup (including him and his new girlfriend in the middle of traffic). I was tired of going to a job that was adding nothing to my career, tired of budgeting a pathetic salary. Tired of waiting on my father and his promises that he was setting me up on a different career path, tired of eating the same food everyday (if I even remembered to eat). Tired of smoking cigarettes with my cousins cause I felt like if I was failing this badly at life then I may as well smoke up and hope for cancer, and I was absolutely exhausted with the idea that I had lost my twenty-four-year-old niece; a bodacious lover of life who’d existed on a seemingly never-ending vibration of confidence and positivity, to a senseless car accident, but here I was, still breathing.

Someone who deserved life was cemented in the ground. I woke up every morning wishing we could trade places.

The psychiatrist let me talk for a few minutes before diagnosing me as depressed and suicidal. Considering multiple factors and incidences I’d described in session, she said the depression has been there my whole life and that my break up was the lit cigarette that rolled too close to the leaky-gas pipe in my identity, causing this implosion.

Note, I’m not blaming my ex for my mental instability. How could he have known if I didn’t know? I’d had my suspicions, but, like my mother; telling him would have likely amounted to him (initially) dismissing me as being dramatic. What he saw as a “crazy” display of raw insecurity was probably the starter flames of this inferno. Again, not his fault, but he was certainly a contributor, and I find myself struggling not to resent him for that. But that’s a blog post for another time.

The psychiatrist prescribes me anti-depressants, some other drug that causes drowsiness, and orders to me to eight months of therapy with a nice woman she recommends in the area I live now. All I’m hearing is money, money and more money. I can’t afford any of this on what I make, and my dad is a businessman whose entire income is dependent on deals. Sometimes we have more money than we know what to do with, other times we’re so broke that there’s a negotiation between toilet paper and breakfast cereal. At twenty-eight, I’m officially jaded with the financial instability I grew up in, so I dismiss the idea of therapy entirely. Why start something only to stop because we can’t afford it anymore? Besides, I’d apparently been living with this raging beast my whole life. Surely, we could find a way to co-exist once again? Like Venom and Eddie Brock.

I say thanks but no thanks to the medication and go home with a mother who suddenly has a whole new understanding of me. She’s attentive when she talks now, and says ‘I love you’ before she hangs up the phone. Confessing my diagnosis to my father shouldn’t have felt embarrassing, but it did. I hated that he might now see me as weak. I was the one child he didn’t have to worry about. I had a sassy attitude and a smart mouth. I was assertive in my speech and tolerated no bullshit. I could hold my own against anyone, and I knew he was proud of me for that. How would he perceive me after I admitted that I’m not as strong as I pretend to be?

The truth? No different. I was still his daughter. The only change I noticed is that he looks at me when he talks to me (more attentive, like my mother) and makes a point of using my family nickname when he says good morning, hello or goodbye. He’s also trying harder to make sure his planned career path for me falls into place, but I’m no longer holding my breath.

As for me and my revelation of my diagnosis? Like I said, I always knew that there was something functionally wrong with me. I just have a name for it now. I’m still battling with the ideas of death and how I would do it. The running fantasy now is one I usually entertain before bed about slitting my wrists and sliding into a bathtub. Morbid, I know, but it’s the only way I can seem to find sleep these days: Thinking of no longer existing helps me transition into a state where I no longer exist for a little while. I’m not about to slit my wrists any time soon (besides, my pain threshold has a limit. If I were going to kill myself I wouldn’t pick a method quite so agonising and messy), but I recognise that these are not healthy thought processes. I do think I need therapy. After all, you have to learn how to love yourself before anyone else can love you and all that, right? I want to overcome this. I want to see progression in my life and my career. I don’t want my ex to believe he dodged a stagnant bullet the next time he bumps into me—or give him the satisfaction of knowing he was the catalyst of my failure.

I want to be happy.

So as I take my third drag of my last cigarette of 2019, I pray to a Deity I have a shaky belief in and tell myself that this is my rock bottom. It can’t possibly get any worse from here.

Or can it?

I suppose only my next move, and time, will tell.

[hiyo-silver]

Chapter 1: Act I Bruised

Summary: Bev goes to play with Greta.

AO3 

Taglist: @fuckboykaspbrak @thesquidliesthuman @starboystan @rachi0964 @shewasthewind @beepbeep-losers @bigbilliamdenbro @jalenrose1122 @sleepygaybrough @itandstrangerthingsfanfic @boopboopreddie @peachywyatt

Beverly runs her fingers through her hair, tattered fingernails from biting them getting caught in the thin strands. She eyes her reflection in the mirror, at age six you'd think that she doesn't have any issues with her appearance. Despite her young age, experiences have aged her at least a few years, leaving her with a mind trained on things that usually only older girls care about.

She steps back, looking down at the bruise on her side, climbing from her hip and up to just below her rib. She pokes it with a morbid curiosity with a flinch that she should have expected in the first place. She stands on her toes and looks in the mirror to see how noticable it must be. She sighs, getting back down onto the flats of her feet.

She dresses herself, a gingham dress and her usual brown buckle Mary Jane's. She pulls her socks up when they slouch, twirling around to watch the fabric ripple beneath her. She smiles to herself, in the midst of a rare innocent moment, her dad out of the house and her mother in the parlor, who'd told her that she is allowed to go out today.

She collects up her dolls in her arms, setting off to the neighbors house to play with their daughter, Greta. She keeps an excited skip in her step, trying to forget about the bruise on her side, not wanting anyone else to notice. Beverly Marsh is just old enough to understand that what her father does is wrong, but also old enough to be scared to tell anyone.

She climbs the steps to the worn front door, rapping her knuckles against the wood confidently to be let in. Greta's mother comes to the door, giggling about who knows what and playing with a ringlet in her hair. "Oh hello, Miss Marsh!" She exclaims, which makes Beverly smile, she feels grown up when people call her by her last name.

"Hello, Mrs. Keene! Is Greta able to play?" She asks, peering behind the woman into the house to see if Greta was present.

"She is! She's up in her room, you can just go join her," the woman says with a sweet smile, knowing that Bev knows where to go as she's been here countless times before, stepping into the house and slipping off her Mary Janes.

She scurries off to the room that she knows as Greta's, opening the door and sliding in, closing it behind her. "Hey!" She grins, Greta turning around from her dollhouse to greet her.

"Hi!" Greta returns, happy with the surprise of her friend. "I love your dress," she compliments as Bev takes a seat next to her.

"Thank you! Yours is nice too," Bev smiles, finding a good spot near the dollhouse. "I got a new doll! She's a good person with lots of problems and she doesn't have parents and when boys come near her she kicks 'em in the nuts," she grins, her own problems obvious in how she characterizes her toy.

Greta's expression goes confused from her original enthusiastic reaction. "But how does she get a boyfriend?" The young girl asks, tucking her curly blonde hair behind her ear.

"She doesn't! She's good all by herself. Boys are yucky and mean, she doesn't need one," Bev says with a shrug.

"What about having babies? A mommy and a daddy have to get married to make a baby," Greta asks, her eyebrows furrowed in her unsureness.

"She doesn't need them! Or she can adopt- lots of little babies don't have homes," Bev shrugs, "And the baby doesn't need a daddy," she adds surely.

Greta just nods, not sure how else to react, Beverly had obviously thought this through and wasn't changing her mind. "Okay!" She responds enthusiastically, grabbing her Barbie and brushing her fingers through the doll's hair, "You already know Lea!" She says, referencing the character her doll often had.

"Yep!" Bev agrees, scooting to the dollhouse to put her doll in it, and the two start playing. It goes well for quite a while, as these two get on well often.

At one point, though, Greta disagrees with how Beverly's doll treats hers, taking it personally and shouting at Bev. "Hey! That was rude!" Greta shouts, shoving Bev's shoulder.

Beverly doesn't take too well to violence, her racing thoughts trying to decide if she wants to retaliate while hot tears bubble up to her tear ducts. "No! She did it in self defense!" Bev disagrees, swiping her palm across her eyes, don't want Greta to see me cry.

She takes a deep breath, waiting for Greta to say anything in response. "But she was mean!" The girl retaliates.

Anger rises in Bev's chest, I know it's irrational, I know it's irrational, she reminds herself, taking in another breath to calm herself. "She was just hurt and scared," she says softly, not wanting the situation to escalate further.

"It's almost time for dinner, Bev, you wanna stay?" Greta asks, keeping her own tone more quiet, recognizing Bev's response.

"Sorry, Greta, I think my mother wants help with supper tonight," Beverly lies, feeling a lot like she had to get out of there for now, and possibly spend time with her mom before her father returned from work, yeah, that would be nice, she affirms herself.

Greta nods, putting her doll down to stand, pulling Bev up by her hand, pulling her into an apologetic hug, "I'm sorry I yelled," she whispers.

Bev is taken aback by the hug, taking a moment to return it, ignoring how Greta was squeezing her bruise uncomfortably, there is no malice meant and it's definitely not Greta's fault.

She heads out, her toy in tow, skipping down the pavement to reach her own home again, sighing in relief when she sees that her father isn't home yet. She lets herself in, locking it behind herself as she's always been taught.

She slips off her shoes in the entryway, going to put her doll away before meeting her mother in the kitchen. "Do ya'need any help?" She asks, hopping up on the counter clumsily.

"I could use a potato peeler?" Her mother suggests with a soft smile, grabbing the peeler to hand to her daughter.

"Okay!" Bev agrees with a grin, grabbing the cutting board, and going about peeling a small potato next to her mother, who was seasoning some chicken. She enjoys these moments the most. The unforced, quiet interactions. The safety.

She hears the door open and a ripple of discomfort goes down her spine- her father is home. She continues peeling the potato she's on, not acknowledging him because she's unsure of how his day went.

He comes into the kitchen, coming up behind his wife, wrapping his arms around her waist lovingly, to which she turns around in response. He caresses the bruise on her cheek, meeting her lips in a kiss. "Call me when supper's up," he tells her.

It might be an okay day, Bev hopes to herself, knowing that it depends, he's always been very on and off like that.

[thegloofchi]

My Story with BDD (Part 1)

For the past week, I've cried. I've cried hard. I've cried in private. My homegirls may think I am getting ready for a girls' day out but I'm crying in my closet. I've cried myself to sleep. I've thought of ways the world would be better without me so people wouldn't look at it. I suffer from body dysmorphia disorder and it's crippling my life. Crushing me to a point where I can't breathe. Suffering my spirit as I look in the mirror and my mind tells me "You're ugly", "You're fat", "You're not cute", "You really thought you were a pretty girl?". I'd like to tell my story on how I'm 23 suffering from severe BDD.

I was 7. At such a tender age, I cared about my Polly Pocket, Bratz dolls, Barbie, and shopping at Justice. I was a girl that loved things girls my age did. Sadly at 7, I started to become aware of my body so young and what it meant to be "fat". My mom would always call me fat. I remember in my childhood home, my parents' room was next to the bathroom shared by my grandma, my siblings, and myself. It all started when one day my mom passed by the bathroom as my grandma lotioned me from my bedtime shower and she made comments in our native language of Igbo about how pregnant I looked. That was the first time I associated big tummy = bad. Realistically, I could've eaten dinner and I was probably bloated. But being so young as a child, I internalized my mom's comments. See, my mom was never nice to me growing up. I was always useless, never good enough, never pretty enough. Didn't help I am tall too -- My mom made it a thing to point out how much of a freak of nature I was. I remember years of us shopping for clothes and shoes and I hated it. I don't think my mom has ever said anything nice about my appearance like calling me beautiful. My mom would blurt out for the whole fitting room to hear about how I needed to lose weight. When it came to shoes, being tall, my feet grew faster than my body. My mom would always say things about how ugly my feet were; comments that led me to go years without wearing sandals. At 7, I didn't know that the disgust I now felt about my body would lead me down a painful road that I still suffer 16 years later. I picked my body and face apart. It also hurt that I was a weird kid growing up too. Nothing wrong with that but you know, as a child, you want to be accepted so bad. You want friends. You want people to like you. You want love. Kids at my school were so cruel to me. I was only their friend when it was time for the answers to an assignment but they never really wanted to be my friend. I was called all sorts of names and made fun of for how I looked. I was dealing with two bullies: My mom and the kids at school. Who do I turn to? Who was I supposed to cry to? No one was at my defense. This also led me down a long path of not caring about my own feelings; I grew up not having a listening ear and a heart that cared. My BDD got worse in middle school. Such an awkward time of life, right? Your body is changing. You start to learn of social hierarchies: The cool kids, the pretty kids, the jocks, the class clowns, etc. Except I didn't fit anywhere really. I was just the girl that was freaking smart. And I'm proud of that! I love how intelligent I am. But no one knew I was comparing my face to everyone else. From how I dressed to how I looked facially. Prior to middle school, I'd like to say starting in the fifth grade, I was obsessed with Victoria's Secret models. I wanted to be like them. I wanted to look like them. I wanted to be a model. I remember how I'd put on my church heels and I'd even change my dresses in between commercial breaks of the VS Fashion Show to catwalk in my living room, following the model's every step. But I didn't know that my obsession with models mixed with my pain from hearing negative comments on my body would lead to a dark path of an eating disorder in middle school. Fed up by my mom's comments on my body, on this very site of Tumblr, I found the pro-Ana community. It consumed me. A mantra I lived by was "A moment on the lips, forever on the hips". I wanted so badly to be size 0. I followed the ABC and 2468 diets. I kept a journal to track my calories and became so proud of myself if I ate 400/600 calories for the day. I called it self-discipline. I loved seeing myself get skinny but I wasn't skinny enough. I was hurting. I wanted so badly for my mom to notice me. I wanted her to notice I was getting skinny so quickly but I dearly wanted her to accept me. To love. To call her first child and first daughter pretty for once. I worked out from sun up to sundown. My grandma (I love her so so much) was the only person that would beg me to rest and to stop. I stopped

eating my favorite foods. I stopped eating at all. But one day, my mom did notice me. As I worked out while she ate dinner, she yelled from the dining table that whatever I was doing, I need to stop because my collarbones are popping out and she didn't want Nigerians in our community to talk. I went upstairs and cried. She didn't even care nor concerned that I was not eating yet vigorously exercising, she only cared about what other people would say about her. The woman I did this all for did not care nor did she notice I put my body through anorexia to make her happy. And I still wasn't good enough. From sixth grade to my sophomore year of high school, I was a functioning anorexic. I was okay with not eating and no one knew. I played sports and duped everyone I was okay but really, I had gone two days only eating one meal. I only stopped because I became extremely fatigued at volleyball practice and was scolded by my coach about me not eating. I wish she knew I wish I wanted to eat more but I vowed to myself to never be called "fat" again. Those words hurt. I also became so scared of eating in front of people. My mom made me feel so much shame about eating. It could've been my first meal of the day and my mom would claim I have been eating all day. It wasn't until university, as friends would invite me to join them for dinner, I slowly grew out of the shame of eating in front of people. I knew I was hungry but I'd purposely eat small portions to avoid hearing anyone say "Damn, you must be hungry!". I'm happy though I never returned to be full-blown anorexic. I'm science-savvy so I figured this wasn't healthy for my body to be so tall but consume calories that still wouldn't be enough for someone smaller and shorter than me. However, my shame and relationship with food still remained toxic. Sure, I was eating more but my brain would whisper reminders of "Don't get fat" as a brought food up to my mouth to eat. I will take this moment to say I am proud of myself for not slipping into anorexia again my junior fall semester. I suffered a bad depression, one caused by my family and so-called friends. I would have dinner downstairs and no one would ask me to eat. No one calls me to join them to eat as a family. Everyone was so mean to me. All alone at night, I'd binge at 2 in the morning in shame. Finally eating for the first time that day since I never came out of my room to avoid being seen and interacting with my family. It was also the first time I started to seriously contemplate suicide. If my family and friends don't like me, why does it matter if I am here? I'm happy I'm here though but it hurts that no one knew the pain the caused me. When I came home for winter break, all these Nigerian aunties at church and even the day before were calling me fat. My mom called me fat. My dad dropped me off at school and when he called me later that evening, I assumed he was wishing me a great spring semester but rather he called to caution me to be more careful of what I ate at school. My vow was broken: People were calling me fat again. I want to take this moment to tell myself I am proud that although my brain tore me apart, I chose to go through a healthier route of exercise and eating healthier than restricting calories. However, I didn't feel any self-love. My exercise and diet changes came from not wanting anyone to call me names, not because I was doing it for me. I still made mean and nasty comments about myself. That following summer, I had a boost of confidence and I enjoyed it. I was away from the pain of home and I actually felt pretty for once. I wish the feeling would've lasted.