#dick i need you to bring your ''fuck the government'' energy to this situation but w the league

[hood-ex]

Dick, Donna, and Roy making a snowman together 🤍.

Titans #19

[kirksfattitties]

asks you can smell the privilege and internalized ableism radiate from

(tw for ableism and other bigoted implications)

i’m bad at reading tone but even i understand that this is 100% you being condescending and trying to cover it up with smiley faces and false sincerity. and i don’t appreciate that.

before i get into deconstructing your shitty ableist argument, i want to explain the reasons i believe in self diagnosis (self-dx):

even professional diagnosis doesn’t start with a doctor diagnosing you. there has to be a reason for seeing the doctor. some people see a doctor in their adult life because they’re struggling, some people are taken by their parents, some people are referred or suggested that they see a specialist. whatever it is, you don’t just see a doctor and they magically give you a neurodivergency. people have neurodivergencies before they see doctors and even if they NEVER see a doctor.

the psychiatry system is flawed in MANY ways and to say that it isn’t means you’re denying the experiences of people with less privledge than yourself. also like psychiatry isn’t gonna suck your dick. you don’t have to be a bootlicker lol

in many places (hi hello i’m from america where our government tries to indirectly kill us by not providing us with adequate healthcare! i and many other people have many issues we can’t get fixed because simply our government cares more about the economy than us), seeing a psychiatrist or a therapist or going to a mental hospital or WHATEVER is INCREDIBLY expensive. and to assume that everyone has access and enough time/money/energy/transportation/whatever to do all of that is classist and elitist.

ANYTHING medical (including mental health) is biased towards white cis men. most studies are done on white cis men/boys. because of this, people who aren’t white cis men (or people who aren’t perceived as white cis men) are often not diagnosed. the system is racist. the system is sexist. the system is transphobic. people don’t know how to diagnose autism or adhd or personality disorders or other neurodivergencies or even mental illnesses in black people and other people of color, in women, in trans people, etc. and GOD FORBID someone be in multiple (or all) of those categories. saying “just go get diagnosed :)” is a privileged statement to make.

shocker! the psychiatry system is also ableist. if you’re already diasabled (whether it be mental or physical) and you see a doctor about ANOTHER disability? the doctor is most likely going to shoot you down. or at least be weary about someone having mutliple disabilities.

also most people who diagnose are neurotypical. they have never and will probably never experience neurodivergency so they can never fully understand it. they operate off of stereotypes of neurodivergent people and usually only stereotypical behavior of neurodivergent white cis men (which, as i mentioned before, is problematic for anyone who isn’t a white cis man). neurotypical diagnosers don’t know the neurodivergent culture and aren’t trained to recognize very common things (like masking for example).

a professional diagnosis can also be weaponized. not everyone can get a professional diagnosis because there are some neurodivergencies (such as autism and personality disorders) and mental illnesses (like depression) that can have legal and medical respercussions to have in your record. trans people can be denied medical and legal transition for being professionally diagnosed. people can lose custody battles for being professionally diagnosed. a professional diagnosis can be used as justification for taking away someone’s body autonomy (especially if that person is also physically disabled).

a LOT of neurodivergencies also have some type of symptom (or symptoms) that make it difficult to interact with people. troubles recognizing facial expressions, troubles understanding certain phrases and types of speech, paranoid about people, audio processing issues, being nonverbal in an environment that doesn’t accommodate for it, overstimulation, extreme social anxiety, discomfort in new situations, problems with eye contact, and a lot more. because like. for many nd people, interacting with people is very difficult and stressful. and hey. if you want to get a professional diagnosis? take a WILD guess what you have to do? FUCKING INTERACT with people! LIKE?? JEHDJJDKEKKDKDKDS. do you know how many professionally diagnosed nd people i know who made their appointment COMPLETELY on their own without help from a parent or family member or friend? LITERALLY ZERO! and i know A FEW nd people who have professional diagnoses! so if someone has social issues that prevent them from doing tasks like calling and making an appointment, showing up for an appointment, talking during the appointment, etc and ALSO doesn’t have familial or friend support (because newsflash! people who are friends/family of disabled people can still be ableist)? almost impossible to get a diagnosis! plus, the diagnosis process is TIME CONSUMING. not everyone can focus on a task for that long and not everyone can miss work/school for that long.

so those are the reasons i support self-dx. (although there’s probably more that i’m forgetting but i have adhd and it’s hard for me to remember things!)

so hopefully you now understand my reasons for believing in self-dx, and perhaps even you’re pro-self-dx now because before you were just uneducated on these issues and how they impact people who aren’t you.

but in case you’re still anti-self-dx and probably hate already-marginalized neurodivergent people, let’s talk about this horrendous ask (series of asks, actually) that i got sent. i feel like i can feel the self hatred and internalized ableism OOZING from this ask and into my inbox, so thanks for that i guess /s

“Sometimes people who self diagnose can take away from those who are actually nd, even sometimes from themselves.”

starting out strong with the ableism on this one by separating people into “self diagnosed” and “actually nd” people. self diagnosed people ARE actually nd

there’s not a limited number of nd resources. this isn’t a math equation of only x amount of people can be nd because there’s only y amount of resources. more people realizing they’re nd will actually MAKE more resources for nd people and will bring more awareness to being nd

even IF someone self diagnosed, and they go back on it later, what harm was done? they learned some coping mechanisms? they made some nd friends? neither of those are problematic and i think they’re both actually very helpful. i think nt people SHOULD learn more about nd people and stuff because i think that will lead to WAYYY less misunderstandings and WAYYYY less ableism

“There are many people who fake nds for attention,”

hey anon, what fucking world do you live in that nd’s are cool enough to fake having? because i would LOVE to live there. like, i literally had a post about my personality disorder (which i will not be specifying) i had to delete because people were sending my anons about how i was “scary” and “threatening” now that they knew i had the personality disorder i have. last year i left a discord server because the ableism i was recieving from not only the members of the server, but the mods as well. there are very few people i know irl who i tell about my personality disorder, but when i tell people about my adhd, they start treating me different. they infantalize me and make fun of me and use “jokes” about stereotypical adhd behaviors to alienate me and they even TELL OTHER PEOPLE without my permission. i was SEVERELY bullied throughout elementary and middle school for being nd. i have been refused job and educational opportunities as well as literal medical attention for being nd. people aren’t “faking” being nd, and if they were they probably wouldn’t be doing it for long because it’s not something that’s EASY to deal with.

kinda ironic that you’re saying people can’t diagnose themselves but that YOU can tell when someone is faking their diagnosis. that’s both hypocritical and a double standard.

masking exists. if you think someone isn’t “acting nd enough” they’re probably masking because they’ve been fucking bullied and harrassed. also you’re probably basing whatever you think nd is on stereotypes. not every nd person is sheldon cooper lol.

this is a side note but can we talk about how you’re literally just taking transmed rhetoric and molding it to fit nd people? like. you really come onto MY NONBINARY NEURODIVERGENT blog and expect me to validate your recycled “but what about the REAL [insert group] people?” ??? like grow up, elitist. you’re not better than anyone else just because you lick some boots 🥾 👅

“and claiming that self diagnosis (and this is just what I interpreted) is just as valid as professional diagnosis”

it is 😌

the only difference between self diagnosis and professional diagnosis is that a professional diagnosis can also get you medicine. not every neurodivergency needs meds and not every neurodivergency can be treated (at this time or even ever). for example, my pd (self diagnosed) doesn’t have a specific treatment but multiple symptoms of the pd (all professionally diagnosed) have specific treatments and medicines that work, so patients are given/diagnosed with/prescribed those instead. also, medicine doesn’t work for everyone! and sometimes people are allergic to or take medicines that will conflict with any new medicine.

“can really devalue the account of someone who actually has a disorder”

here we go again with that “self diagnosed” vs “actually nd” bullshit. literally just say you hate poor people n minorities and leave lol

someone having a different experience than you isn’t devaluing you, but if you’re the one who always has the spotlight maybe you should use your privledge uplift other marginalized people instead of feeling angry when everything isn’t all about you 100% of the time

“I have a second ask”

i don’t want it

“Plus it can be damaging for a person if they self diagnose wrong.”

how? what if they learn information that they wouldn’t’ve otherwise known like coping mechanisms that help them with their own neurodivergencies? that’s definitely not a bad thing

i think it’s funny that you bring up that people can self diagnose wrong and don’t even MENTION that doctors can diagnose wrong. like. you know. the people who GIVE OUT MEDICINE to people. i think it’s MUCH more dangerous when a PROFESSIONAL diagnosis is wrong. what are self-dx people with wrong diagnoses gonna do? read up on nd tips? maybe smoke some weed? drink some coffee? that’s about all they can do with a self-dx. but if a MEDICAL PROFESSIONAL gives you an INCORRECT diagnosis, they can ACTUALLY fuck you up.

“I was recently diagnosed with PTSD, a disorder which I would have never considered I’d have.”

that’s great about your professional diagnosis! i don’t know you but i’m glad you’re finding out about yourself and getting the help you want and/or need /srs

sorry if this sounds blunt, but honestly i’m not surprised you never considered you could have PTSD. based on your asks, you sound like you have a lot of internalized ableism you need to work through and a lot more research about neurodiversity you need to do. being anti-self diagnosis is a common belief among a lot of people with internalized ableism and a lot of these same people are the ones who have no issue with and even SUPPORT auti$m $peaks. many nd organizations that are run BY nd people (like asan) actually support self-dx.

“If I had of diagnosed my own symptoms and then started treating myself or taking precautions based on my self diagnosed "condition", it could of really hurt me.”

how? taking precautions to preserve your mental health is NEVER a bad idea. i’m not ptsd, but someone i care deeply about DOES have ptsd and has shared a lot of the precautions and coping mechanisms for ptsd with me and honestly they’ve been incredibly helpful. it’s almost as if different neurodivergencies and/or mental illnesses have overlap and that’s why there’s a whole community for us to be able to share these resources and information with each other!

the same person was rejected a formal autism diagnosis because of their ptsd, plus the fact that they’re transgender and the fact they have symptoms of adhd. it’s not really my place to talk about their experience with professional diagnosis, but i’ll send this post to them and allow them to add on their experience in a rb if they’re comfortable with that. but it’s almost as if their experience with the professional diagnosis process was unhelpful, harmful, ableist, and transphobic 🧐 and unfortunately this is a pretty common experience

“Also, by self diagnosing, I devalue the account of a person with the disorder l assumed I had.”

how? if someone thinks they’re nd, they have a legitimate reason for thinking so. either they have another neurodivergency than the one they thought they had, or they’re neurotypical and need to figure themself out and have a need for support. either way, they learned more about the specific neurodivergency, more about the nd community, and more about themself. i don’t see how that’s a bad thing.

if you think self-diagnosed people’s experiences inherently have less value, that is straight up ableism. especially considering that other marginalized identities and minorities have trouble getting professional diagnoses, you might also be bigoted in some other way. or at the very least, refusing to acknowledge your privilege.

“only one more I promise”

i don’t want it

“I understand that doctors are expensive and professionals can get it wrong,”

okay. if you understand this, then dm me your information so i can bill you for the cost of my professional diagnoses, the cost for my therapy sessions, the cost for my medicine, and the cost for transportation to and from all these places. PLUS the cost of the work and school i’ll be missing for these sessions. 🤲

“but self diagnosis can be really harmful to yourself or others.”

nah, you’re just ableist and a gatekeeper lol

“If you feel like you have a disorder, go see a psychiatrist, you may have it.”

[remembers when i went to a psychiatrist who diagnosed me with two major symptoms of a personality disorder and said i had other symptoms of the pd as well but refused to diagnose me with the actual personality disorder because i was a minor at the time and he told me “kids don’t have personalities so they can’t have personality disorders”. i understand being weary about diagnosing children with personality disorders because they aren’t fully developed but this dude straight up told me that i didn’t have a personality. this man literally only worked with children so that means he literally never diagnosed personality disorders. this man was literally just lazy and didn’t care about his patients. this man also refused to believe me when i told him the medicine he prescribed me made my symptoms worse and even made me hallucinate. he ignored me and refused to change my medicine so eventually i just changed psychiatrists and they put me on a new medicine that DIDNT make my symptoms worse and DIDNT make me hallucinate. also i looked it up after our session and apparently ONLY people with my pd and related ones experience hallucinations on that certain medication. it’s almost like his refusal to diagnose me and ignoring my symptoms/concerns harmed me. this man also constantly misgendered me and told me that homosexuality and transgenderism should’ve still been in the dsm. like golly, it’s almost as if being queer and neurodivergent in an extremely conservative state is harmful and dangerous. and that psychiatrists aren’t immune from being homophobic and transphobic and ableist.] but yes :) perhaps i should see another psychiatrist in this conservative state :)

“I don't want to undermine anyone's actual experiences, but it can be dangerous.”

then stop undermining people’s actual experiences :)

no ❤️

“If you feel like something's wrong, go see a professional.”

the whole point of the neurodiversity movement is that there IS no such thing as a “normal” brain, so saying that neurodivergent people have something “wrong” with them is ableist.

💰 🤲 hand it over

“I don't want to offend, I just don't want anyone to get mislead or hurt. :)”

you absolutely meant to offend. you literally said that self-diagnosed people’s experiences aren’t valid and have less value than people who have professional diagnoses

i know more people who have been (and personally have been) mislead and hurt by professionals than by simply existing as a self-diagnosed person

also i want to say that being pro-self dx is NOT being anti-professional/formal diagnosis. i think that people should absolutely get a professional diagnosis (if they are able to without negative repercussions)! being pro-self dx is more inclusive of marginalized people (like people of color, women, lgbtq+ people, people with multiple disabilities, etc). pro-self dx is simply just saying that professional diagnosis isn’t the only option

(neurotypical people and anti-self dx people don’t add anything; pro-self dx neurodivergent people are allowed to add with their experiences if they want)

[becksfm]

hey CASEY “BECK” BECKHAM , welcome to dillon university . has anyone ever told you you’re GAVIN LEATHERWOOD’s twin ? no ? well okay , i heard you are TWENTY - TWO & a JUNIOR at the university . we hope BIOCHEMISTRY isn’t kicking your ass too much , especially since you’re a STUDENT PHYSICAL TRAINER . see you at the next game, BECK & character’s cismale + he/him . 

it’s me & i’m here for round fuckin’ two , friends . this time i bring you resident GOLDEN BOY . . . a whole 6′1 of soft boy energy . . . floppy overgrown curls . . . king of talking - your - way - out - of - everything . . . retired hockey player . . . a man of Many Talents , of which the most astounding is his ability to look like he’s got it all together when , in fact , he does not ! under the cut , you’ll find a lil more about him . . . & if you wanna plot hmu @ 𝙘𝙝𝙖𝙨𝙚 𝙨𝙩𝙤𝙠𝙚𝙨 𝙨𝙩𝙖𝙣#9956 on discord or pop into my ims here !! 

𝑩 𝑨 𝑪 𝑲 𝑮 𝑹 𝑶 𝑼 𝑵 𝑫 .

dillon , texas born & raised . on the outskirts of town is a ranch that is enough to house the beckham family: mom, dad, and all eight beckham children . beck is the second oldest , with one older sister , four younger sisters , and two younger brothers . . . not necessarily in that order . 

mother , sophia mattheson - beckham is a lawyer based in austin working with the ACLU , and father , michael beckham has a small private practice in dillon working as a pediatrician . they weren’t home often , but when they were , they spent as much time with the kiddos as possible . it’s just . . . they were so rarely home that it really didn’t matter. 

with the beckham name, though, comes the pressure to be SOMETHING GREAT , and that’s something that’s been a part of beck’s life since . . . he can remember . little league & kindergarten grades were always taken a little too seriously , and it didn’t help that his older sister was a shining example of perfection . 

growing up it was hard not to like him. he was quiet for the most part , but goofy when he wasn’t . there was a little extra charm about him that just gave him an all around magnetic pull . kids wanted to be his friend and he wanted to be theirs . he fit in , but around home , he was the odd man out . beck was always a little more interested in sports rather than math or music rather than reading . it wasn’t to say he wasn’t smart , it just kind of –– bored him?? where his family was v

there was give and take with beck–– the golden boy of dillon but the black sheep of the family . he could play hockey if he kept his grades up. he could take guitar if he was also on student government and model u.n.. his parents would applaud him on his grades but never cared to hear him play; they’d show up for debates but rarely ever saw a hockey game. it was touch and go, his relationship with them, and it still is.

DESPITE IT ALL though, you wouldn’t catch him complaining. he bore the crown of homecoming king his senior year and never went to a dance without a date. teachers loved him, so did his coaches. he found a best friend in one cameron sloane –– ( because of course he did ) –– when the sloanes moved to dillon , and they were an unstoppable kind’a duo on and off the ice.

when it came time to pick a college, he really . . . had his pick of the lot. coulda gone anywhere, but there were roughly six reasons , all with the same last name , that kept him close to home. his parents even agreed that if he went in as pre-med, they would pay for the whole thing . . . and even make time to watch him play hockey. 

things were good for a long while, until they weren’t. you can usually see the stars on the outskirts of dillon, but one night, his sophomore year, you couldn’t. storm clouds covered ‘em up, and he tried his damndest to get cameron to stick around a celebratory party until it passed, but sloanes are stubborn and there was no changing his mind. 

cam passing away was like losing a brother, and he spent countless hours pacing in a hospital waiting room . . . hoping for good news and never getting it. beck had never known loss like that, and it knocked him into a bit of a tailspin . he quit hockey and didn’t register for school the next year . he spent a lot of time at a family residence in austin and even more time drinking . for the most part . . . he kind of DISAPPEARED , losing himself in the process for a good nine months.

they say it takes a village to raise a kid, and it took a village to drag this one out of a spiral. his parents. his siblings. his friends. and eventually . . .  dillon’s football coaching staff. a loud knock on the door from coach buchanan and a swift kick in the ass from coach sloane, a man who knew the kid almost as well as he’d known his own son. come work for us, they told him . . . and it was a way to get him back on track under a watchful eye that. wasn’t quite as critical as his parents

so that’s where we are now . . . back at dillon, a year behind, and working with both the football and cheerleading team as a physical trainer, playing a heavy hand in making sure both teams are the best conditioned in the state of texas. his grades are looking up, and he’s still on the fast track for med school, much to his –– and his parents’s –– surprise. 

the beckhams don’t talk about his little stint of a spiral. no one in dillon does . . . unless in tones of hushed whispers alongside judgmental looks. beck doesn’t mind it too much ,though . . . even takes it as a challenge 

𝑷 𝑬 𝑹 𝑺 𝑶 𝑵 𝑨 𝑳 𝑰 𝑻 𝒀 . ( i’m getting tired so this gon be ugly )

you want inspo?? i’ll give ya inspo!! richard campbell gansey the third ( dick 3 babiiiie ) is my main inspo for beck. you’ll also find a lil bit of jim halpert, a lil bit of rob maclanahan from miracle ( even tho he w as a real person too shhh ), and *insert big eyed emoji here* grizz from the society 

ever since he can remember, there’s been pressure on this kid to be something great . . . so he feels like if he has the capability to do something, he has to do it. . . there’s no choice in the matter. a lot of this stems. from his parents, but he’s also really just . . . overly critical of himself sometimes

boy is a fucking PARADOX okay bc sometimes . . . . with the way he talks. . . . he accidentally puts his damn foot in his mouth . he’s smart so occasionally comes off as condescending , but he’s . . . incredible in conversation with people he needs to impress because he’s hella charming

that said... this quote is REALLY important and REALLY summative of beck: “Gansey had always felt as if there were two of him: the Gansey who was in control, able to handle any situation, able to talk to anyone, and then, the other, more fragile Gansey, strung out and unsure, embarrassingly earnest, driven by naive longing.” –– let’s dive into that!! when he feels like he’s got a sense of control of the things around him, when he��s in his element or in his comfort zone, when he’s feeling confident , the boy is a force. he can talk you and anyone else out of any situation, and he has. he can make friends with anyone put in front of him, and he has. when beck is ON . . . he is on . . . but it’s a bit surface level because when he’s not wearing the crown of GOLDEN BOY and he’s . . . vulnerable . . . or unsure . . . or stressed . . . he tends to put that foot of his in his mouth and spit. out whatever it is he’s thinking. he’s honest to a fault in this sense, and he’s hopeful beyond compare. 

an introvert. . . . can CHARM u but doesn’t want to because honestly that is so draining and he’d much rather be at home. the popular type but only has a few friends that are really really close to him

loyal to a fault . . . will give you 392847 chances that you don’t deserve .. fool me once shame on you ! fool me twice shame on me! fool me three time what the fuck bro now ur just taking advantage of me 

very . .. calm and even tempered.  he’s a mediating type and like . . would rather find a conflict resolution than sWING u feel me

he’s cute.  .. . and. people love him but .  . . despite it all, he really doesn’t let that go to his head?? the boy was raised to believe you had to earn things and he’s just. idk . . .. humble king

eloquent as fuck ( lol good luck @ me writing that shit )

quick witted and very sharp

probably a lawful good type ngl :\

Does Not Do Well.With Change. when his older sister left dillon to go to notre dame??? boy damn near blew a gasket how dARE SHE go that far away!!! 

v close with his sibs . .. . activate Dad Mode. he loves all of them equally and definitely does not at all favor the 10 y/o baby brother of the family or his sister closest in age, who is also a student at dillon. doesn’t favor them ONE BIT 

u want a vibe for the beckhams??? “ the beckhams were courtiers and kings . when there was no castle to invite them, they built one” ( we stan ONE weird author lady named maggie)

insomnia!! the boy nEVER SLEEPS1! always thinking. always planning what’s next. gotta go gotta go gotta go.

kind of .. . a hopeless romantic :\ dated the same girl for most of high school but when she fucked off to ole miss she broke up with him in a text. so that .. . . . .. went well for him ..... still a dumb bitch tho and would love to hold ur hand

wire rimmed glasses, wool sweaters, light colored hoodies, distressed denim, cuffed pants, :\ chelsea boots :\

phobia of bees. there’s literally no reason for this other than my own, personal, geeked out pleasure

prank king

Smart Jock Type

plays guitar to relieve stress and you bet baby’s got some pipes here u go 

literally nothing like nicholas scratch DO NOT call him daddy

tall and doesn’t know what to do with all the extra limb like .  . . . . the fuck

will push you to your personal best in any conditioning circumstance

okay I THINK THAT’S ALL . . .. i’m a big fan of basic plots that kinda ebb and flow with chemistry BUT!! gimme the basics man . . . a roommate . . . a past hookup or two . . . some spicy friendships or . . . fRENEMIES even u know the drill

ok that’s all i hope u love him bc i am v nervous about playing A Man buT IT IS WHAT IT IS U KNOW

[chaoticlamphoagietaco]

2020?

Well what can I say, it seems like it’s ending with a bang, but there’s still two months left.

Biden is president, and trump has yet to retaliate, I wonder what that’s going to look like.

My boyfriend and I are having sexual issues, or rather I’m seeing issues in our sexual habits.

It feels one-sided, I please him (he cums), he pleases me and I don’t cum. It’s frustrating because I’ve seen him go on hikes, talk to people for hours, if you can be active in this way, why is it difficult to just suck my dick for like 30? I understand if you lock jaw, but over the course of our relationship, sex has been me being patient and him getting off. It’s hard to maintain sexual interest, and maybe that’s why my mind goes in these fantasies. I’m almost at the point where if we have anal, I know where gonna end up jerking off... maybe I’m asking for too much, or maybe I’m just tired of being patient.... I wanna see if he will be open to swinging, or wearing a long dildo for a couple of days to resolve the issue, but I’m not sure how he will respond, or when this conversation will happen. I’m hoping that Sunday will be the day but I’m not sure.

I miss my mother, I feel her trying to reach me but I struggle to connect to her spirit. There’s so much unsaid, that it’s hard to equate the relationship to only a spiritual level. I... don’t know what I would say. Am I angry for the suppression. Of my dance enthusiasm? Am I upset because I never told her I was gay? Am I upset because she’ll never see the fruition of my dreams?

Ri

Speakings of, I don’t know my dreams,p anymore.... or rather they feel like they are transforming. I wanted to be a research analyst after falling out of love with psychotherapy and sociology, but I realized what that actually meant. Research analyst is a broad term, that can encompass a business, health centers/organizations, government, and nonprofit. And essentially these are all the sectors you. And work for other than a school which I do not want to do. Through my conversation. With NASA I found more about becoming a data analyst, and while the salary was enticing I realized that was a computer science that didn’t incorporate sociology or psychology like I had hoped. When I stumbled upon market/marketing research analyst I was hooked. I knew that finance and accounting wasn’t my passion, but marketing itself wasn’t either. Marketing has been largely traditional, and digital marketing is basically a new field. I think this is why I made the decision to transfer my major so hastily, it encompasses everything I was searching for with program evaluation, I can conduct research based on consumer intelligence which incorporatess social psychology, and have the promising effects of impact. Or in other words, my research will be used and considered valuable to the company I’m working for or working with. In program evaluation, sociology and psychology, the effect that your research has is truly perceptional and has a large ambiguity around its impact. You can go 4-10 years without achieving a goal you intended, which is expected and encouraged in some situations. On top of all this, withi program Evaluation and psychology there’s an expectation around the support you give in the exchange. Not only am I conducting research for MBH, but we (the school) are helping the business attract African America. Participants to their establishment, which can be done in so many different ways, it would take. A considerable amount of money, resources, and process and attention needs to be there if you want to achieve an impact. How can this be achieved when the business in itself is not liable for its own pretentiousness? Or it’s own self-processing that I can’t change? Thankfully, with marketing I get the best of both worlds. I can incorporate my social psychology background, while also attending to my creative side in branding, and even furthermore conducting meaningful research that is almost guaranteed to have an impact (since if I don’t, I’m not doing my job well haha) and will be used as vital data for profitability will not only motivate me to take the job, my peers, and the business seriously, but will also compensate me tremendously well, I mean it’s very lie,oh that in 2-3 years time I could be making a 6 figure salary. With this in mind, I feel Clarity around my occupational pursuits, but as for my dreams... that’s another story...

My dance past is struggle to bring up, even typing....,

I was so close, yet everything was taking from me, and I couldn’t do anything to stop it.

With this, I keep falling in and out of love with dance, I watch a video and I feel inspired to dance again. I’m feeling more drawn to Alonzo Lines ballet, Nunes, and of course my all time favorite Batsheva. But watching hip hop videos make me cry, it reminds me of what I use to be, what I could have become, and how many friends I’ve lost along the way. Dance is brutual, forcing vulnerability and deep connection within a short period of time, I’m not sure how I to come back to it but I’m getting more inspired to. My roommate doesn’t make me feel comfortable eno to explore my creative side, but when me and bf live together, I hope I can feel more comfortable and start recording myself more often, the encouragement he brings is so ephemeral, I’m lucky to have him. But I know that at the least, if I came back to dance, I outdone be more interested in dance film, and being inside of that industry rather than concert dance, sinner the world is kind of moving into a digital world, definitely open to site specific work, given the right amount of viewers and support of course,

For my other dreams that are transforming, I know want to become marketing manager, and possibly a yoga teacher. I’ve gone back and forth with a yogic certificate, but I didn’t feel that I had enough practice, knowledge, or the right people to start with a subject like that. But fuck, I mean soooo many white people do it haha. I’m feeling more motivation for this certificate since I realized that I can make friends this way. I can find like minded people who practice, engage in processing, and are willing to go into platonic physical interactions, since I’m also realizing this is crucial for me in any platonic relationship. If this program started progressing, this could become a business that provides an income, I met awesome people, and I can a lot of ppl along the way. Downsides are of course if the business collapses, but I would gain knowledge in Hinduism which I’ve been wanting but unsure how to engage in.

What’s serendipitous though, is that the the timing of marketing could not be better, a program has a date right after my classes end, I can attend their classes, then continue my spring courses, and work a full time job and on my way to 6 figures. There’s so many resources and side that this transition feels right and meaningful, I’m feeling good about this change, I just hope I won’t want to change again 5 years from now.

Hinduism and Buddhism.... my practices and faith have been wavering, after Naropa, my experience with Buddhism is a bit tainted, maybe I need to go to retreat again and release any energy surrounding my mother, but other factors play a part. The prentiousness, the fake smiles, that school had a lot of problems, but none more so than racism pure and simple. This is why I love Virginia, racism over there is overt and blatant, I know who the racist is and I know where not to go. Here in boulder, everybody will smile at you, and you don’t know who is truly being racist, you have to really read behind the lines and analyze to understand the truth of what somebody is saying, I mean the school burned down on its own so I think my wishes are being granted... I don’t know where this leaves me with Buddhism, Charlotta was amazing, and I want to attend her classes, but something always holds me back and I don’t know what. In regards to Hinduism, my yoga sequence has pretty much been the only stabilizing thing in my life. Through all the obstacles and trauma, maintains these practices have really kept me balanced through whatever comes my way, although I have been slacking I some ways, I’ve also been progressing in chakras, balancing, and following a routine. Maybe in this way, Buddhism is something for me to contemplate, maybe Hinduism is what I want to talk about...there it is, Buddhism is my process and Hinduism is my faith. Shiva will always be my everything, in not sure why on that mountain, or even if I made a connection, but that trip to Japan truly changed me, and I want to follow a Shiva path that is right for me, I just wish I had someone to help guide me, but that might make things harder.

[souoes]

      ⌜ KIM TAEHYUNG  |  HE/HIM ⌟  ——  SIWON RYU is a TWENTY FOUR year old DEMI MALE  .  they are located in DISTRICT FOUR where they are employed as an ESCORT  .  they are known to be AFFABLE & INTUITIVE  ,  but they can also be GULLIBLE & DUPLICITOUS  .   (  popped bubblegum  ,  glowing under the sun  ,  purple-pink skylines  ,  silk shirts left unbuttoned  ) 

heyo  !  i’m deni  ,  she/her pronouns in the gmt+9 section of the world  .  i can’t keep an aesthetic and i use too many em dashes  .  below is one of the characters i’m bringing  ,  SIWON  ,  my favorite chaotic sunflower  .  i have a habit of updating  ,  adding and changing as i go  .  apologies in advance for how messy all this is  .  looking forward to writing with you  <3  !

🌹  𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 .

➤  full name.  siwon ryu ➤  date of birth.  january 29th ➤  hometown.  chicago  ,  illinois ➤  gender.  cis male ➤  sexual attraction.  pansexual ➤  romantic attraction.  pansexual ➤  occupations.  escort  ,  app developer  ,  network manager at an internet cafe  ➤  wants.  family  ,  power ➤  fears.  imprisonment  ,  humiliation

     universal facts.  scarfs down bean burritos like they’re gonna disappear  ,  looks as comfortable in a dark  ,  dirty alley as he does standing under all those warm lights in the velvet plush speakeasy  .  pockets full of candy and a lollipop between his lips  .  likes cheap beer and cigarettes  ,  fast talking and smooth smiles  .  gets up when the sun goes down  .  who knows if he ever gets a full night’s sleep  ,  but you can find him taking a nap just about anywhere  .  seems to live for the dark hours and stays busy as a bee  ,  feels the rain on his skin  ,  plays with matches  .   spray paints boobs on the sides of government buildings and dicks on malls  .  can do crazy math in his head and spot fake bills with incredible accuracy  .  can barely stand to sit still  ,  always moving except when there’s a computer screen or an aquarium in front of him  .  gets addicted to things so easily it’s scary  —  people  ,  food  ,  liquor  ,  feelings  .  craves that intimacy  ,  craves that closeness  .  catches extra cash on the side by fixing up broken-down machines and can figure his way around a motor with a bit of elbow grease  .  fucking loves nature dude  —  takes care of plants and reptiles in his home  .  would die for snakes and lets them drape over him  ,  claims they give the best hugs  .  has the best collection of vintage games and tech  .  punk ass wannabe  .

      personality.  moody  ,  sometimes downright irritable  .  but when he’s on he’s on ---  could talk to a brick wall  .  holds himself with all the confidence of the sun and his smile burns just as bright  .  there’s this lazy intensity to everything he does  .  like  ,  pretends he super cares but also doesn’t  ?  or pretends he cares so much but in reality couldn’t give a shit  .  affable  ,  easy to get along with on a surface level  ,  and he’s curious enough to keep any conversation going with questions and enthusiastic energy  .  mood changes on a dime  ,  goes from grinning like a maniac to eerily calm in a snap of your fingers  .  intuitive and instinctive  ,  listens to and follows his gut  .  trusts the energy in the air more than anyone’s word  .  comes off as thoughtless but it actually very cautious  .  impulsive doesn’t mean brainless  .  sniffs out bad situation fast and decides on a dime if he needs to run or face it  .  go with the flow kind of attitude  .  doesn’t take things personally  .  nice  but trusting him’s an iffy situation  .  greedy  —  wants everything and anything ��.

      appearance.   stands around 5′11  .  broad shoulders  ,  slim hips  .  floppy  ,  messy hair and glowing skin  .  half legs and half eyelashes  .  wears a small lip ring and has several miniature tattoos on his body  .  dresses anywhere between a washed up rockstar  and your cool grandpa in the ‘40s  .  his closet’s a chaotic mix of anything he could thrift or patch together  .  most of the time  ,  he’s sporting loose pants  ,  a vintage blouse  ,  a jacket or blazer and comfortable loafers  .  loud colors and prints alongside all black fits  .  believes in reinvention  .  kind of swims in his clothing because most of its’ two or three sizes too big  .  only wears skinny jeans when he wants something  .  shimmies into a suit with a snap of his fingers  .  keeps all that hair back with a bandana or a headband  ,  silver bracelets on his wrist  .  nothing in his closet’s technically new and he loves looking for a bargain steal —��or simply just a steal  .  sometimes he’s jimi hendrix and other times he’s versace  .    

[inxcs]

       kim taehyung  ,  24  ,  he/him   ------   hey  ,  did i just see siwon ryu walking around the block  ?  oh  !  yes  !   the last time i saw him  ,  i heard he wanted to be called siwon  .  people around say they are so endearing  &&  inquisitive sometimes i wonder how they can be selfish  &&  duplicitous  .  (  popped bubblegum  ,  glowing under the sun  ,  purple-pink skylines  ,  patterned blouses   ) 

heyo  !  i’m deni  ,  she/her pronouns in the gmt+9 section of the world  .  i can’t keep an aesthetic and i use too many em dashes  .  below is one of the characters i’m bringing  ,  SIWON  ,  my favorite problem sunflowers  .  i have some info and verse-specific information beneath  ,  but i have a habit of updating  ,  adding and changing as i go  .  apologies in advance for how messy all tis is  .  looking forward to writing with you  <3  !

☀  𝐆𝐄𝐍𝐄𝐑𝐀𝐋 .

➤  full name.  siwon ryu ➤  date of birth.  january 29th ➤  hometown.  toronto  ,  canada ➤  gender.  cis male ➤  sexual attraction.  pansexual ➤  romantic attraction.  pansexual ➤  wants.  family  ,  power ➤  fears.  imprisonment  ,  humiliation

      universal facts.  hustles at arcade halls  ,  scarfs down burritos like they’re gonna disappear  ,  looks as comfortable in a dark  ,  dirty alley as he does standing under all those lights in the neon districts  .  pockets full of candy and a lollipop between his lips  .  likes cheap beer and cigarettes  ,  fast talking and smooth smiles  .  gets up when the sun goes down  .  who knows if he ever gets a full night’s sleep  ,  but you can find him taking a nap just about anywhere  .  seems to live for the dark hours and stays busy as a bee  ,  feels the rain on his skin  ,  plays with matches  .   spray paints boobs on the sides of government buildings and dicks on malls  .  can do crazy math in his head and spot fake bills with incredible accuracy  .  can barely stand to sit still  ,  always moving except when there’s a computer screen or an aquarium in front of him  .  gets addicted to things so easily it’s scary  —  people  ,  food  ,  liquor  ,  feelings  .  craves that intimacy  ,  craves that closeness  .  has a loud as fuck laugh and a love for sneaking into places where he doesn’t belong  .  catches extra cash on the side by fixing up broken-down machines and can figure his way around a motor with a bit of elbow grease  .  fucking loves nature dude  ---  takes care of plants and reptiles in his home  .  would die for snakes and lets them drape over him  ,  claims they give the best hugs  .  vegetarian  .  would be a vegan but too lazy  .

       personality.  loud  ,  noisy  .  could talk to a brick wall  .  holds himself with all the confidence of the sun and his smile burns just as bright  .  there’s this lazy intensity to everything he does  .  like  ,  pretends he super cares but also doesn’t  ?  or pretends he cares so much but in reality couldn’t give a shit  .  affable  ,  easy to get along with on a surface level  ,  and he’s curious enough to keep any conversation going with questions and enthusiastic energy  .  mood changes on a dime  ,  goes from grinning like a maniac to eerily calm in a snap of your fingers  .  intuitive and instinctive  ,  listens to and follows his gut  .  trusts the energy in the air more than anyone’s word  .  comes off as thoughtless but it actually very cautious  .  impulsive doesn’t mean brainless  .  sniffs out bad situation fast and decides on a dime if he needs to run or face it  .  go with the flow kind of attitude  .  doesn’t take things personally  .  nice  but trusting him’s an iffy situation  .  greedy  ---  wants everything and anything  .

       appearance.   stands around 5′11  .  broad shoulders  ,  slim hips  .  floppy  ,  messy hair and glowing skin  .  half legs and a lot of eyelashes  .  wears no less than five charms on a daily basis and keeps his tarot cards with him at all times  .  rings  ,  bracelets  ,  necklaces  ,  earrings  ,  crystals  ,  talismans .  wears a small lip ring and has several runes tattooed on his body  .  dresses anywhere between a washed up rockstar  ,  your college weed dealer  ,  and your grandpa in the ‘40s  .  his closet’s a chaotic mix of anything he could thrift or patch together  .  most of the time  ,  he’s sporting loose pants  ,  a vintage blouse  ,  a jacket or blazer and comfortable loafers  .  kind of swims in his clothing because most of its’ two or three sizes too big  .  only wears skinny jeans when he wants something  .  unironically wears cargo shorts in the summer  .  keeps all that hair back with a bandana or a headband  ,  hairties on his wrist  .  nothing in his closet’s technically new and he loves looking for a bargain steal ——or simply just a steal  .  sometimes he’s jimi hendrix and other times he’s versace  .    

☀  𝐌𝐔𝐋𝐓𝐈𝐕𝐈𝐋𝐋𝐄 .

  ⇀   kim taehyung  ,  24  ,  he/him   ------   hey  ,  did i just see siwon ryu walking around the block  ?  oh !  yes  ! the last time i saw him  ,  i heard he wanted to be called siwon  .  i hear they are a podcast host  ╱  “psychic”  .  people around town say they are so endearing  &&  generous sometimes i wonder how they can be selfish  &&  duplicitous  .  ( beaded curtains  ,  purple skies ,  tousled hair  )  

      about.   wrongly labeled a troublemaker after a little incident with some candles  ,  pentagrams and a slightly burned down warehouse  ,  siwon’s been on the road and seeing te road ever since  .  makes a few quick bucks tapping into that aura of his that somehow magically nudges his brain about who’s got what on their minds and what might happen to those what’s  ,  but no one really seems to believe him when he says it’s all real  .  starting a podcast straight outta the back of a busted-up RV  ,  siwon’s crossed the country and broke down in this little town  .  and  ,  so  . . .  maybe some stuff he was involved with in the past wasn’t totally legal butthat’sokayokayhedoesn’tdothatanymore  .  ANYWAY---  this town  .  figures he’ll call it home  .  it’s groovy enough  ,  he supposes  ,  and after a few attempts to get out of town that just failed  ,  siwon figures this is the universe telling him to settle down for a bit  .  so okay  .  his few listeners don’t mind  ,  siwon still does some readings and random lectures on whatever’s on his brain  .  for extra cash  ,  he does a few side gigs  ---  fixing up websites  ,  selling crystals and rocks he finds  ,  jobs around town that don’t require him to fork over any semi-serious documentation  .  takes scenic pictures for his instagram and documents the road-trip across this Great Wide Country he and his pets are seeing  .  let’s  . . .  let’s just see how this goes  . 

☀  𝐌𝐔𝐋𝐓𝐈𝐂𝐈𝐓𝐘 .

  ⇀   kim taehyung  ,  24  ,  he/him  ,   toxokinesis   ------   hey  ,  did i just see siwon ryu walking around the block  ?  or was it poison  ?  it’s hard to tell  ,  really  ,  all i saw was the commotion  ,  someone being saved  .  you know  ,  i heard siwon is an app developer  .  i also heard they are a saint  ,  really  ,  so affable  &&  generous  ,  none of that mercurial  &&  selfish  nature people talk about  .  (  blackened veins  ,  wild eyes  ,  living for the applause  )

       about.  after his parents volunteered him for  “ quirk ”  studies at a leading research institute  ,  siwon’s been semiworking for the man  .  but it’s fine  .  it’s fine  .  totally fine  .  spending most of his early life in a tank waiting to be let out  ,  siwon kept himself busy with plant pals  ,  reptiles  ,  and of course a computer screen  ---  everyone’s favorite parents  .  he’s developed websites and applications for the hero organization to help them locate and identify trouble around the city  ,  a bridge between 911 services and the heroes themselves  .  at twenty-two  ,  siwon created a popular app cataloging heroes and villains  ,  a place for fans to post their own pictures of fights and fallouts  ,  gossiping about which heroes were secretly in love and speculating about new faces behind the masks  ,  then a megapopular game where people could play as their favorite heroes or villains to save  (  or destroy  )  a city  .  as poison  ,  he wears no cape --- and in fact hasn’t even been seen since the site skyrocketed in popularity years ago  .  instead  ,  siwon helps in the development of weapons using his poison and sends little  ,  touching notes to baddies all over the world when he isn’t shuttling around on mercenary expeditions  .  he’ll ignore the mortal coil for now as long as they fly him first class  ...  he thinks  .  just hopes the organization doesn’t find his stash of supervillain fanfics  .  ikes  .

☀  𝟏𝟖𝟓𝟑 .

  ⇀   kim taehyung  ,  24  ,  he/him   ------   hey  ,  did i just see siwon ryu over there  ?  talk around town is that they are a witch  ,  but i don’t believe any of that  ,  no  .  they are just a con artist  ,  endearing  &&  generous  .  those are all just humors  .  like the people saying they were selfish  &&  duplicitous  .  (  frayed tarot cards  ,  three-piece suits  ,  sticky fingers and a smile  )

      about.  look who got himself invited into a magnate’s manor  :  a nobody who made a pretty penny from the opium trade ----- and who’s definitely not human  .  siwon’s bounced from city to city on his own  ,  brewing and selling antidotes to unfortunate come-downs from the drugs that’s rotting them all from the inside out  ,  but that’s only to sell more of that shit once the high’s gone  .  it’s enough to keep the rich happy enough  .  popular at parties  ,  he performs as a spiritualist and fortune teller  ,  snakes into conversations he shouldn’t be privy to and trades the information later  .  he’s a busy man  ,  what can he say  ?  for someone who wants to be free from all of this  ,  he enjoys parts of the lifestyle far too much  .  but maybe he should start making friends soon  .  attracting a lot of attention lately  ,  and with rumors of animals around  ,  even the “fake” witches like himself might find themselves in more trouble with the law  .  and now there’s the other trouble he’s found himself in  .  unfortunately caught swindling a vampire  ,  siwon was forced into dealing with a group of witches and their opium trade for protection  .  now his clients are their’s  .  his product and profits  ,  partly their’s  .   siwon’s in a whole other side of the criminal underground on the cusp of the victorian age  ---  and he doesn’t know what the fuck’s gonna happen  .

☀  𝟐𝟐𝟖𝟎 .

  ⇀   kim taehyung  ,  24  ,  he/him   ------  hey  ,  did i just see siwon ryu over there  ?  yes  ,  oh my  !  haven’t you heard  ?  it seems they have moved to level seven  .  makes sense  ,  considering they’re a techie  .  rumor has it they are so affable  &&  inquisitive but i know at heart they are just impulsive  &&  mercurial  .  (  busted old radios  ,  buzzing neons  ,  sticky situations  )   

      about.  tba  !

[bliphany]

(cw: rant because i really don’t understand Harold-hate.)

I hope people stop calling Harold Finch a dick or claiming that he doesn’t care about people because he decided to separate the relevant and irrelevant lists and programmed the Machine to delete the latter.

This always reminded me of all those times when my friends and I were on the street for a protest or petition and some people passing by would yell at us calling us selfish bitches because we dared to say we cared about A but didn’t also mention B C D E F no matter if those were in the same topic or field or beyond our limitations since we said we cared but failed to care about everything happened in this country or on this planet we were clearly hypocrites.

Back to the context of Finch’s choice. That was an American government’s project aiming to prevent events like the 911. The feeds were from the government. They just needed a machine to process and make the prediction. So to build the machine the creator - if they EVEN care - had to balance between two things. To achieve the aim while to make sure some lines are not going to be crossed too much. The government’s feeds meant useful information but also people’s privacy. If they let people know about they were being watched the government would have to shut the program down. Hence they would fail to achieve the first aim which was also the project’s only aim.

If Finch didn’t separate the two lists, the Machine aka the Northern Light wouldn’t be functional in the first place. The government would then buy someone else’s machine who might not even care about the privacy thing and would make it an open system so the government could track ANYONE they wanted no matter which purpose the government had.

Deleting the irrelevant list was a move that definitely caused sentimental reactions we can see it from Nathan and the audience. A move that later Finch also considered a “Mistake” of his when he had to witness his best friend’s death. And then he did what he could to live with the mistake while trying to do something about it. But it didn’t mean it was “Wrong.”

Making a mistake doesn’t make you a bad person. Making a mistake doesn’t automatically prove what value you had in mind while making the decision is wrong. It only means the way you choose to face the consequences speaks your character as a human. We all make mistakes caused by the right decisions/mindsets. That’s where the value of humanity lies. And judging people by the outcomes of their decisions despite the contexts and situations and the reality is, sorry I really have to say, utterly and upsettingly utilitarianism, by which I mean it really rings the “I adore you BECAUSE everything you do is perfect you’re good at everything you never makes a mistake you’re not a human you’re perfect that’s why I love you.”

And even the Machine made mistakes. And who are we to decide a person’s value by judging how perfect they are or how many mistakes they’ve made even when they caused those because of sensible decisions but no because the outcome was bad “they should have known better or I hate them.” It rings the opposite of the show’s value. Not a machine learned to love like humans. But that “humans can only be loved when they’re such a flawless, perfect machine.”

A person who makes no mistake and hence claiming they’re perfect or the smartest of us all is actually someone never cares enough to act.

And I don’t even mention that most of the time when a story is highly plot-driven of course characters’ good intentions always turn bad to serve the plot because that is a trope?????? In stories, there’s always a dynamic balance between characters and the plot and sometimes to benefit one the writer has to compromise the other a bit but as long as it isn’t overwhelmingly biased that is good writing. And to hate a character for a writing choice is really too hard for me to understand. It was like when I was a kid, and my friend claimed she hated Sherlock Holmes he was such an asshole, and I was curious and asked which story she read, and she told me oh that one with Arsene Lupin and I was like????? But it was a story written by Maurice Leblanc??? And it was natural that he wanted to show how good his own character was??? And if the plot was set like that and you judged a character’s value and personality by that one material??? But no, I failed to convince her because since writers wrote a certain character in a certain way then no matter who the writer was which purpose the plot was serving and which pov the story was written in, what was shown on papers must be the only truth.

Sorry back to the subject. Nathan’s reaction was relatable, and I love to see it as pure goodness in humanity. But that still didn’t make Finch a dick because on the spectrum between sensible and sentimental Finch was closer to the sensible end than Nathan. It only made them two different characters who were relatable in different ways. A thing they might consider to do at that time was to hand the irrelevant list to the police department. WELL BUT COULD THEY REALLY? The American government only wanted a machine to prevent another 911. And giving the list to anyone would harm the privacy dilemma discussed earlier.

Nathan decided to save people one at a time was a noble act. That still didn’t make the choice of deleting it cruel. We might donate our time and money to help a nearby neighborhood/location/country damaged in an earthquake, we probably won’t and can’t do it beyond a certain scale. We help the world by helping whom our road crossed with in our lives. That’s called being a kind person. That’s called a realistic way to improve the world to become better.

And there was no evidence in the show that showed Harold Finch didn’t give a fuck about people’s lives when their roads crossed. Back before the ferry accident, he tried to talk Nathan out of the thing he planned to do because it would get Nathan himself killed in the end. Although he didn’t approve, he went to meet Nathan to face the thing together because he cared and tried to help him. After then, also with his own character arc but really I don’t think his character changed to a totally opposite it was more like since he now chose this full time helping numbers life he allocated more time and energy into this field. He asked John and Shaw to bring Root with them so she’d not be killed. He confesses he built the machine so Collier would kill him and not someone else. He argued if it was necessary when John went to help Riley because John as a friend was closer to him than Riley who had just shot John at the moment. The fact that he wanted anyone harmed Grace to be killed was on the revenge topic so I won’t go into that here, but it still aligned to the traits we humans have, that we care about those who are friends/families/closer to us.

But really, time and time again in fanfictions we wrote about how in the heat of the moment John chose to protect Harold over someone else. Or time and time again people in the fandom adored shoot relationship saying how Root came to care about few people over the rest of humanity or saying how beautiful it was when Shaw avenged Root. Deleting the list was the same thing. It’s called priority and the only one doesn’t need to consider priority is God because they have no limitations and can be everywhere at the same time. Deleting the list didn’t equal to killing people. It meant those who might have died in another 911 would be saved. Before the Machine those killed in an attack and those victims on the irrelevant list would just all die. The Machine Finch and Nathan worked together to bring to the world, its aim was to save those would have been dead in an attack. That’s the meaning when he said “save everyone not someone.” And the priority here felt cruel wasn’t because the one who called the decision was evil. It was because he was not God and the fact humans have limitations IS CRUEL. Just like John couldn’t save Jessica when he was on the other side of the planet. Just like if you only got one shot you can only choose to save a person. Just like every character in the show had to choose between this and that. And we called it beautiful because while it showed limitations it also showed connections.

But somehow Harold Finch was not allowed. He was not allowed to be a human. He was not allowed to be a decent and reasonable person by considering “I really want to do something to help my country and people but given my ability and life plans/choices and resources I picked this specific project I wanted to devote to.” He was not allowed to make mistakes. He was not worthy of love and acceptance and forgiveness even when everything he did all had good and sensible reasons. We said that Harold had hubris issue and god-complex which I agree. But this specific kind of Harold-hate hates him because he was a human and he had to choose or he couldn’t finish the Machine in the first place was actually expecting him to be a god. He was expected to have no limitations. He was expected to save every single person on the planet if he did half way omg what a dick. He was expected to devote and lose everything if he even dared to do a thing to save people in the world. (Which he did, btw)

By hating Finch for being a limited human who just tried to do a thing to help his country which he also succeed was in fact giving his an un achievable standard. It rings so many bad memories like “if you can’t convince me that you also care about B C D E F or you fail to do A to 100% you’re such a lame activist you don’t really care about this world.”

And yes “everyone is relevant to someone.” I love this line, too. And I adore how the writer did the delicate “replacing and advancing the meaning behind a word to charge emotional effects” and probably they did it too well it seems people really believe that Harold Finch used to believe some people were “irrelevant” so apparently he was a dick and didn’t care about humanity, unlike Nathan. But No? Friendly reminder that the full sentence/context of “relevant and irrelevant lists” is actually “relevant and irrelevant to terrorist attacks”?????

And yes about the opening theme. I laughed at Harold after I knew it was him who separated the two lists and deleted one of them, too. The funny part is seeing how in the tv show writing and prompting process sometimes the writer will give something for them can tell/sell a story first but after a while, some things might conflict each other a bit. It’s like the writer might just put some hint as a foreshadow and if in the later episode there’s a chance to pick it up and develop then nice but if by some reason maybe the actor’s scheduled or there’s some plot change then the hint will remain an unexplained detail or even a tiny plot hole but as far as it’s tiny it’s fine. And the show introduced the whole world setting by introducing Finch who at first functioned as not only a character but also a device to tell us/the main character aka John everything the writer wanted us to know at the moment so we could enjoy the story. And when the story just began and there were only two main casts to make the fictional world work it was entirely workable to instead of giving us the simplified but informative enough opening they let Finch say “I build it and actually it was me who separated the lists because brah brah brah and it backfired and I wanted to live with that, so I need a partner.” In this way, the show would be so appealing.

Idk just... I don’t like a bunch of characters for so many different reasons, but I try to separate which ones are the character’s personalities and flaws and weaknesses and which ones are byproducts of a writing choice so that the plot will continue.

:(((

[sending-the-message]

The sky is a little brighter today thanks to the Black Knight Satellite. by shipinthesea123

After Mondays eclipse, the sky is a little brighter. You probably won't notice it because the source of this extra illumination isn't that large, but I fear this small source of light may will have a unprecedented impact on our planet.

The Black Knight Satellite has turned white....bright white and very bright.

The names Josh, and I work as a custodian at the Space Fence . A now relic of the Air Force Space Command, once served as a the forefront in detection of objects in our immediate space through a series of radio transmissions. Like many other government initiatives, there is a lot more to the story than that. I started work with the initiative in 2004, and continued through the decommission of the effort in 2013. Like most abandoned government projects, someone has to "inspect and protect" government assets. Basically, the technology was outdated and Lockheed, Northrop and Raytheon have all already won the bid for the new and improved space fence, to be built off of Kwajalein Atoll. So, until they completely decommission our operation, myself and a few other staff occupy the last remaining "hot" low-power sites monitoring and sending data down the rabbit hole. I spend my time here in Lake Kickapoo Texas at the Master Transmitter. The seclusion and little interaction with anyone is a nice change from my time in Dallas. The ex wife not having a knowledge of where I am doesn't hurt either.

Those of you who have some interest in the paranormal community may know of the Black Knight Satellite. Spurred by Nikola Tesla's supposed session listening to radio waves from the object. These signals were sent perfectly timed and were deemed by Tesla to be intelligent, or from an intelligent source.

Que the forest fire of speculations and outlandish stories, and the Black Knight quickly became nonsense. Do your curiosity a favor and research it. The BK has so many back stories, it can only be a hoax right?

Not quite.

In October 2013, official word came from our headquarters that Space Fence has been deemed outdated. Our new initiative was to move towards low power duty and automation with the exception of custodial personnel to confirm that the grounds were maintained and automation was left uninterrupted. I liked Lake Kickapoo. This station is based in the middle of a farm, and the little shack on the lake I had bought was perfect. So I asked for the custodial position and received it. Having the ability to sit and monitor radio transmissions from space from 9am to 2pm, then fix a gutter or mow the grass was heaven to me.

To the Black Knight. If you read into the lore of it, radio transmissions seem to be the running theme.

Here's what my briefing uncovered to me and the other staff taking part in the Space Fence;

1) It is a real thing. Our governments are aware of it and when we can spot it, efforts from all parts of the world to catch a glimpse of it or intercept the radio transmissions. The closest man-made satellite usually intercepts a visual or auditory signal. The longest recorded information on the BK was from the International Space Station in 2012. The ISS made visual with the BK. The visuals of the BK confirmed its size to be comparable to a small sedan, with a texture that looked like that of a smooth onyx metal. There was a notable disruption in electronics in the ISS, signalling that the BK has an apparent electromagnetic field. Crew members noted confusion after witnessing the event. The BK disappeared.

2) It has a random, unpredictable pattern. Previously thought to have a polar orbit, no one has been able to predict or discover a pattern to it. It just....disappears.

3) It hasn't been sending a radio signal to us like Tesla originally thought. It has been sending a signal about us. Most are thought to have no knowledge of what the transmissions meant, but after decoding recorded transmissions, many people from around the world have interpreted it to be a basic "Handbook of Humanity". Form our genome codes, to our political structure and religious constructs.

4) Here is the most unsettling fact about the Black Knight. We know nothing else about it. It has appeared harmless, the BK itself. Just a spy station for something/someone. All signs point to extraterrestrial, but really the question to who or why can't be determined. So we've waited. It's been our Elephant in the Room for a while. Everyone in the upper echelons of government know about it. They know it's gathering information and transmitting it back out but why? It has boiled down to the fact that they can't catch it, therefore they can't figure out where it came from and so on.....so why worry about it?

A bit fucked up if you ask me.

But, we who are privy to it's existence carry on our daily duties, knowing that it's there and we do nothing. We just know that this out there. This so called "benign big brother" watching us.

Monday started out like all the others. I wanted to take a little time to catch the eclipse like many other Americans so I started my day early. My director would occasionally drop by to check and see if the compound was good at random drop ins, so I stayed on my toes. I mowed around the length of the radio transmitters, blew the clippings off the parking lot and knocked the few stray shrub limbs off. I keep the place in tip-top shape as if it were active to this day. I laid in the bed of my pickup with my glasses and stared off into the eclipse and life went on like it any other.

I stepped foot back onto my front porch at around 6:03pm, my nightly round of Netflix and shitty TV dinners was on track when my cell phone rang. It displayed a "Unknown Caller" for the ID. Answering it, I expected a recorded message alerting me of my vehicles warranty expiring or the situation with my current credit card debts, but no such luck. It was a disturbing call that I have only heard about people like me receiving in dire consequences. When we communication stations need to be listening....and listening close.

A recorded female voice, hurried but exact in her instructions.

"All Space Fence stations; Protocol H184.... 216.98 MHz Alpha Foxtrot Blue" She repeated this two additional times before the call ended with the beep beep beep signalling it hanging up.

I froze. I was instructed about this in '13 when we brought the fence down. Protocol H183 is a full power up. 216.98 MHz is the fences full operating frequency. AFB.....that's what worried me, it's a signal of a huge issue. Some kind of national disaster or a threat.

Surely this wasn't a test. We're a tick dick away from having all of the power cut to this program, why in the hell would they bring us back up?

My phone rang. Reggie from our fill-in transmitter site in Jordan Lake, AL calling. He had received the same call...Dianne from Gila River, AZ called next. We were all given the orders for a full power up. I sped off to my site.

While heading there, I received an email. Which was almost as shocking since the power down, I rarely received correspondence via email unless it was to receive my W-9 at the end of the year. It lit up with more emails from our group on the project.....the receiving stations were being brought up as well.

Hawkinsville, GA Elephant Butte, NM Sand Diego, CA Tattnal, GA Silver Lake, MS Red River, AR

All were ordered to be at full power by 2359 Eastern Time.

I felt instant nostalgia the minute I went to the main breaker and pumped the primer to flip the breaker. When it snapped into place, I could almost feel the energy running back into the sleeper station. The two red blinking caution lights at either end of the antennas quickly lit up like a runway when the forty or so other lights powered up. My little spot in the Texas desert was back online. Well, almost. This station was usually manned by at least 5 people. Startup wasn't impossible with one man, but timely. Finally at 2100 central time, I went online at 100%. I pulled the plastic film off of the chair in the middle of the control room and fell into the seat. For a moment, the terror of whatever was going on was masked for a moment by the pride of accomplishment. I pulled out my phone and started working my way through the forty some odd emails unread. It was a barrage of "What's going on?" or "Tattnal online" or "Hey, didn't the guy running San Diego die?". Our director, the "boss" never piped in the email exchange until he sent a simple, "Update to come at 0200 EST."

The worst fears came to mind while I checked and rechecked.

Nuclear war? Bio-terrorism? Why the hell is the AFSSS involved? Space Ebola or something?

I couldn't understand why in the hell they wanted the Space Fence online for a disaster? It would almost be like fighting cyber terrorism with a calculator. We're outdated. All we could do it detect things in the atmosphere.

0200 EST came.

An encrypted message hit my inbox. After pulling it and getting it to it's full form, I read the contents.

Air Force Space Surveillance

All Auditory/Radio/Visual Personell

RE: Black Knight

On August 21st, 2017 NASA has reported a sighting of the Black Knight Satellite. One like no other on record. >Approximately 1630 EST, ISS reported the BK had appeared mere feet away from the observation pod. Scientists on >board reported that the surface of BK, usually giving off a solid appearance, now looked fluid. During the 14 minute 34 >second time-frame it was in view, it slowly illuminated. Both cameras, and occupants of the ISS could not view with the >naked eye, or a camera anything decipherable after said illumination event.

A spike in transmissions of all kinds are being reported. Space Fence has been ordered activated to pick up any >anomalies or atmosphere entry.

Keep our ears open at the listening stations and send to HQ for decoding. The boys up top want to know what BK is >saying.

It is moving in a course that is in orbit, but inline with the suns current pattern.

Update through encryption any anomalies noted by your station.

End.

Sleep deprivation is a helluva drug. I can't help but think of the possible scenarios. Why haven't we as a people made a bigger deal of this. Did we just accept the fact that we were being watched and broken down? That this CCTV has been floating right above us and we've just....done nothing.

What is it doing? Why has it lit up?

I received another encrypted email. San Diego is picking up an entry. New Mexico and Arkansas are confirming.

An old friend who deciphers in the AFSSS has called. He says BK is talking...

EVACUATE. INVASION IMMINENT.

Is the BK talking to us though?

[cryinghole-blog]

Xav: I'll talk to you on Steam but won't join tipchat again

Chinye: whats wrong

Xav: I dunno

Xav: I'm yelling a lot

Xav: Keep on changing what I want to do

Xav: Keep on fidgeting

Xav: So I'll talk after this shower

Chinye: ok

Chinye: i hope u feel better

Chinye: is something about tipchat bothering u?

Chinye: something i said?

Xav: No, it's me

Xav: I got upset in the shower. When I'm calmed down I'll tell you

Chinye: can i help?

Xav: I just need to unload on you

Xav: Sorry in advanced

Chinye: ok

Xav: Just here's the jist

Xav: I'm lazy

Chinye: lazy?

Chinye: i dont really get that impression with you

Chinye: did you forget to do something?

Xav: okay im back on

Xav: this might take a while

Xav: because i just have a horrible feeling in my gut

Xav: but the main reason why i am in my current life circumstance is that I'm lazy

Xav: 2010, first year of high school

Xav: everything was okay besides friend

Xav: 2011

Xav: i couldn't develop a study strategy

Xav: because I didn't feel like it

Xav: and pushed away the worries by either talking to people, playing games, watching things, etc.

Xav: this manifested

Xav: i started to not ask for help

Xav: because I didn't want to

Xav: and it was so much effort

Xav: this started spilling into everything

Xav: in life

Xav: today

Xav: i didn't eat breakfast

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: i didn't walk peggy

Xav: because i didn't want to

Xav: didn't do washing, the dishes, clean up

Xav: didn't go outside

Xav: it goes into video games

Xav: i can have more fun in Granblue if I looked up what I should do next and grind

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: and don't want to put in effort

Xav: so I just whine about my current situation

Xav: i would put more effort into trying to rebuild friendships

Xav: but I'm lazy

Xav: t would require too much effort

Xav: and make me anxious

Xav: and runin mty day

Xav: so I resort to staying inside

Xav: I was in the shwower

Xav: I was too lazy to get out

Xav: i just let the water envelop me

Xav: Like a wet and slippery cocoon

Xav: I don't try to develop new hobbies

Xav: Because that requires me to fail first to improve

Chinye: you sound like me

Xav: and I don't want to do that

Xav: I am too lazy to get up

Chinye: thats exactly how i am

Xav: too lazy to get dressed

Xav: too lazy to look for a job

Xav: too lazy to seek help from free government services

Xav: too lazy to tell mum and dad my real inner problems

Xav: too lazy to even start a conversation with my surviving friends

Xav: too lazy to become alive

Xav: too lazy to defend myself

Xav: i just take each blow

Xav: too lazy to do these stretches which will stop me feeling pain

Xav: too lazy to stop any of this happening

Xav: too lazy to believe in myself

Chinye: do you have anything that motivates you

Xav: i dunno

Xav: i just wanna go to sleep

Xav: because im too lazy to figure out what to do for the rest of the day

Xav: Too lazy to even try to find someone to fuck the pain away

Xav: I'm too lazy to find out if I even like dick

Xav: I've just masturbated to some dumb doujins online

Xav: had one boyfriend

Xav: who hadn't even transitioned yt

Xav: and i label myself as bi/pan

Xav: too lazy to get to the root of the problem

Xav: too lazy to get better at video games

Xav: doesn't that just make your skin crawl?

Xav: i want to do all these things

Xav: but this little thing in my head just makes me this walking zombie

Chinye: it doesnt really make it crawl but it makes me lock up a bit

Chinye: because i have exactly the same problem

Chinye: no motivation to do anything

Chinye: too lazy to fix my problems

Xav: i can feel my energy leak out

Chinye: I dont know what to say about it

Xav: all the positivity

Chinye: cause like im exactly the same

Xav: i want to cut off my limbs

Chinye: I wish there was a magic fix

Chinye: :(

Xav: and im too lazy to stop talking and think about your feelings

Chinye: you dont need to stop

Xav: i just keep on going

Xav: and impede negativity onto you

Chinye: negativity doesn't bother me

Chinye: I can handle it

Xav: even though i know how you feel because i've been in your spot so many times

Chinye: I just am thinking about it

Chinye: I dont know how to solve problems i have myself

Chinye: its good to know im not alone though

Xav: i'm too lazy to tell people what they say makes me feel horrible but i bottle it up and struggle to help them but all i can do is hit these plastic objects

Chinye: I thought other people just had motivation to do things

Chinye: and that things were just harder for me

Xav: which then sends an impulse to wiring then goes through all of these devices

Xav: to someone else

Chinye: Do i make you feel bad?

Chinye: with anything i say?

Chinye: I can stop dumping emotional stuff on you

Xav: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3mWotngJBcc

Xav: i can't stop talking to you though

Xav: because then you will have to talk to someone else

Xav: and gothrough the same process

Chinye: I can keep it in

Chinye: and deal with it myself

Chinye: like should've done in the first place

Xav: you;'ll hurt yourself in the

Xav: process

Chinye: i'm sorry i've been dumping stuff on you

Chinye: I wont anymore

Xav: no

Chinye: thanks for all the help so far though

Xav: i want to be strong

Xav: i want to be strong for you

Xav: but i'm just so squishy

Xav: and take everything to heart

Chinye: i told you before

Chinye: i can handle it myself

Xav: i dont want you to be in pain

Chinye: i just got weak

Chinye: and let it fall on someone else

Chinye: dont worry about it anymore

Xav: i failed

Chinye: how?

Chinye: we're still gonna hang out

Chinye: and talk

Chinye: just not about sad stuff

Chinye: unless you need help

Chinye: maybe it'd be good to get some sleep though

Chinye: you said you were tired

Chinye: and i dont want you ot be upset

Xav: i donm't know

Xav: do we even have anything else to talk about?

Chinye: ofc we do

Chinye: are u joking

Chinye: i think were really good friend

Chinye: s

Chinye: we can talk about games

Chinye: and shows

Chinye: and things going on in discord

Xav: every day i just feel weaker and weaker

Xav: yesterday was fine

Xav: i don';t know why

Xav: everything felt different

Xav: but just

Xav: thinking of anything

Chinye: its my fault

Xav: makes me collapse

Chinye: you have been dealing with other peoples problems

Xav: no

Chinye: in addition to your own

Chinye: ofc its gonna be hard

Xav: please no

Chinye: ???

Xav: i don't wnat it ot be like this

Chinye: what to be like what

Chinye: im confused sorry

Xav: i dunno

Chinye: oh ok well

Chinye: if you wanna play games

Chinye: or anything

Chinye: let me know

Chinye: get some rest tho

Chinye: noob

Xav: i want to be stronger for you

Xav: for everyone

Chinye: then get there

Chinye: prepare yourself

Chinye: but that doesnt mean you gotta deal with everything at once

Xav: i want this feeling in my chest to go away

Chinye: sleep

Xav: it's 4:30 pm

Chinye: its the best way to get rid of feeling like that

Xav: it will ruin my day

Chinye: listen to music?

Chinye: im not sure

Xav: none of my music is particularly good at making me feel better

Chinye: you could finish koboyashi

Xav: i watch it with friends

Chinye: watch an anime from my list

Chinye: anything 8 and above is good

Xav: im too lazy to do anything new

Chinye: have you seen no.6?

Chinye: its shonnen ai

Chinye: but its really lite

Chinye: and good

Chinye: im thinking about going to sleep

Chinye: im really tired

Chinye: despite sleeping a bunch

Xav: okay

Chinye: not sure yet

Xav: dont ruin your sleep schedule this weekend

Xav: i want you to go to work on monday

Chinye: thanks dad

Chinye: :P

Xav: sorry, just can't think of anything funny atm

Chinye: lol you dont have to

Chinye: go eat a sanger

Chinye: or whatever u called them

Xav: i just feel frail and stale

Chinye: stale?

Chinye: you are a really nice person

Chinye: and i really think you brighten people around you

Chinye: a mood booster

Xav: it;s not enough

Chinye: its some though

Chinye: better than being someone who brings others down

Chinye: if everyone was like that

Chinye: things would be great

Xav: i;m going to be a pig and order food now

Chinye: wish i did that

Chinye: the sub i had when i woke up was gross

Chinye: lol

Xav: hoping mum won't look at the credit card bill

Xav: she was suggesting i make something for myself

Xav: but im just so weak

Xav: i didn't even make that sandwich i said i was going to make

Chinye: want me to paypal u money

Xav: no

Chinye: so u can order food

Chinye: and u just pay me back somehow

Xav: somehow will be in 2 years

Xav: maybe more

Chinye: it doesnt have to be with money n

Chinye: nerd

Xav: i've given you all i have

Chinye: what would food even cost

Chinye: like $20?

Xav: this place's minimum order is $20

Xav: the HSP was 13.50

Chinye: just let me know if u want me to

Chinye: and i'll paypal u it

Xav: i got a milkshake but it was shit

Chinye: you dont even have to give back

Xav: i can't let you do that

Chinye: i dont want you to get yelled at

Xav: Mum doesn't yell

Chinye: sorry

Chinye: shamed at

Xav: i can deal with it

Chinye: you dont have to if u let me help

Chinye: but ok

Chinye: its up to you

Xav: i just can't sorry

Chinye: ok...