#dice did you forget what flies eat

[yourhandsomesthost]

"i apologise. i get excited."

they sorted their bowtie, digging in their jacket afterwards. they pulled out a nice-looking apple (that would not have fit in there) and handed it to william.

"flies enjoy fruit, correct?"

you should say dice. since we started over. youll wanna meet them. trust

we didnt start ALL over. even if i get reset i can still remember my other timelines. i remember dice. faintly

[davidlikesguys02]

Previously On

M/n= Male reader

E/c= Eye color

Bold letters mean memory’s

Word count: 3,258

“Hmm? Hmm?” you see Agatha bring señor scratchy up to her ear “what. No, I know” she chuckles “he does look shocked to meet the real us, doesn't he?” you look at her trying to read her thoughts, your E/c eyes begging to turn red. She laughs “that's adorable. My thoughts are not available to you, toots. They never, ever were. So don't go giving yourself a migraine. We’ve got work to do.”

“Where are my children?” you ask her. She walks around “where are my children” she mocks you. “Oof! That accent really comes and goes, doesn't it?” “where are they?” you try to use your powers, but you look at your hands and nothing happens. “Oh, your magic’s no good d here” she raises her arms and picks you up with her powers. She keeps you there in the middle of the room.

“Didn't you notice? Basic protection spell, one in each wall?” you begin to look around the room and see these strange symbols on the walls. “No? Nothing? These are runes M/n.” she begins to walk around “in a given space, only the witch that cast the runes can use their magic. How do you not know the fundamentals?” she asks you, Agatha stops in front of you.

“Who are you?” you ask her “who are you? All those costumes and hairstyles.” Agatha sighs “I was so patient waiting for you to reveal your true self. I got close with fake Pietro. Fietro, if you will, but no dice” “that was you” you tell her. “No, it wasn't literally me, just my eyes and ears. A crystalline possession.” she begins to walk around you again.

“Necromancy was a non-started since your real brother's body is on another continent. Not to mention, full of holes. But you're so crippled by your own self-doubt that you believed it” she begins to walk in front of you “Oh, M/n, oh, when I sensed this place, the afterglow of so many spells cast all at once… oh, I couldn't make heads or tails of it.” you see her pick up a cicada and begins to chant in Latin.

“Mind control. A classic quick incantation and a feeble psyche and you're good to go.'' She lets go of the bug and it flies over to your face “with thousands of people under your thumb, all interacting with each other according to complex storylines” you try to get the bug off your face but fail. “Well, that's something special, baby” she takes the bug from your face.

“And of course, there's transmutation” she chants in Latin again and the cicada turns into a small bird “years of study to achieve even the smallest convincing illusion” the bird begins to fly around “but Westview through your lens, M/n…” she grabs the bird, and it begins to cry “every little detail in place down to the crown molding. You're even running illusions miles away at the edge of town. Magic on autopilot. What's your secret, M/n?”

She throws the bird towards señor scratchy and it turns back to a cicada. Señor scratchy then eats the cicada “listen, I need you… hey, M/n, i need you to tell me how you did this.” you look at her “I didn't do anything. I'm not…” she uses her powers and you hit two pillars before meeting her again in the middle of the room.

“I tried to be gentle, to nudge you awake from this ridiculous fantasy, but you would rather fall apart than face your truth. You left me no choice.” you look up at her “what was it you said to your not-brother? Hmm? All you could recall was the feeling. You felt empty. Alone endless nothingness, let's start there.” you both turn to see a door glow purple “It's been fun playing pretend for a while, hasn't it, M/n?”

she takes a strand of your hair, she cants in Latin and the strand of hair makes its way towards the door. The door then changes to a white colored door. “But it's time to look at some real reruns” she drops you on the floor “all right let's go” you look up at her “no” “oh, I'm sorry. Did you forget who got your children stashed away in her bewitched basement?”

“Dad! Dad! Help, please, dad!” “Dad, help us!” you hear both Tommy and Billy call for you. You get up from the floor and start to walk towards the door “that's right. After you, superstar” you walk through the door and see a woman doing the dishes “oh charming. Love the cold war aesthetic. Why are we here?” the woman turns and it turns out to be your mother.

“Mama…” “Irina?” your mom begins to walk towards the door of your home and opens it “papa” “Oleg” you smile happy to see your parents again, you see your mom open a suitcase “hey, don't worry, I'll sell them tomorrow, more for TV night” your parents kiss “In English, papa!” “Pietro” you see Pietro walk into the room. “Oh, he's loud isn’t he?” “You said the only rule of TV night is we try to practice our English.” “yeah. yes, he's right we were just making rid of last little bit of Sokovian” your mother tells Pietro.

You dad hands Pietro his coat and Pietro walks over to hang the coat. “Where is your brother?” your dad asks Pietro “M/n?” “I mean we are right here” “M/n?” “That's your cue, M/n. you're on” Agatha pushes you forward and you're a kid again. You walk over to your dad and hug and he kisses you on the cheek. You giggle “now we can begin. M/n, you can pick.” you look in the suitcase “My pick isn’t here” “I have forgotten. I put it in special place for extra safekeeping” your mom comes over and covers your eyes.

“Don't look” you giggle, you see them walk over towards the wall, your dad and Pietro pull a cover to reveal the secret hiding place “good job” your dad tells Pietro “this is your pick, yes?” you see the familiar box “season 2, episode 21.” “Dick Van Dyke again? Always sitcom, sitcom, sitcom” Pietro says annoyed “the walnut episode!” “yes, rob and Laura have for the most fun shenanigans”

“What is shenanigan again” you turn to look at Pietro “Shenanigan is like problem, but more silly than scary, but can sometimes be a little scary” “yeah, like mischief.” “But a silly mischief that always becomes fine.” “Okay, papa start it for us” your dad starts the show, the theme music begins to play on the TV. The show begins and you turn to look at your mom and she blows you a kiss. You giggle at the shenanigans on the TV. you then feel something push you forwards and everything goes black.

You wake up on the floor and see smoke and fire and a giant hole in your home. “M/n!” you hear Pietro’s voice he takes your hand and takes you towards the bed and both of you get under the bed. You hear gunfire and see a bomb fall a few feet in front of you. You see the red light on the bomb meaning it was going to explode “M/n are you okay? We have to get out of here” “we cannot” “shh. Do you hear that? Maybe they're here to help.” “maybe they're the ones who sent it” you can hear the episode still playing and look around to see the TV on the ground.

“At the end of the episode, you realize it was all a bad dream. None of it was real” you slowly stick your hand out. “M/n, don't!” suddenly you're pulled from under the bed. You gasp “did you stop that bomb?” Agatha asks you “what?” you ask her confused “you used a probability hex” “no, I… it just never went off. It was… it was defective. We didn’t know that. We were… we were trapped.” “for how long?” “two days” “huh” Agatha begins to walk towards the bomb “so much trauma… and yet you were safe as kittens the whole time.”

“So, what I see here is a baby witch, obsessed with sitcoms and years of therapy ahead of him. Doesn’t explain your recent hijinks. Where you get the big guns, M/n?” you see a door nearby change to a metallic door, as soon as you see the door you know what it means “I don't wanna go back there.” “I know you don't, but it's good medicine, angel. The only way forward is back” the door unlocks itself.

You walk into the new room and see the familiar glass chamber. “Ah, M/n. the rebellious years. Quick question your reaction of your civilian apartment building and the murder of your parents was to join an anti-freedom terrorist organization” “we wanted to change the world” you tell her you begin to walk towards the glass chamber. You reaper on the other side wearing test subject clothes.

You walk into the glass chamber turning around as the door slowly closes. “For our notes, Mr. Maximoff, can you state your name and confirm your status?” you hear a voice tell you over the speakers “M/n Maximoff. Volunteer” “touch the sample” “so I… I just..” you begin to walk towards the glowing blue rock. The stone begins to rattle and it comes off from the scepter. It begins to float towards you.

You stick out your hand and touch it, the blue around the gem disappears and you see a beautiful yellow stone. You feel a wave of energy blast you, you try to keep your eyes open but the bright light coming from the stone was overwhelming. You then see a figure floating in the stone. Finally everything goes dark. When you wake up you're in a room with a single bed and a TV.

You sit on the bed and a show begins to play on the TV. you slowly get up from the bed and walk towards the TV. The Tv shuts off and you can see yourself and Agatha on the TV. “so, little orphan M/n got up close and personal with an infinity stone that amplified what, otherwise, would've died on the vine. The broken pieces of you are adding up, buttercup. I have a theory, but I need more”

you see her raise her harm and a door nearby changes. You recognize that door and begin to walk towards it. “Oh” you walk through and see yourself sitting on your bed “oh, M/n. moving on up. So, where are we now?” “the Avengers compound. It was the first home Vision and I ever shared. Pietro was dead and I was in a new country, I was all alone.” you both watch yourself for a few seconds.

“Vision” you call out, both you and Agatha turn towards your left and see Vision come through the wall. “I apologize. I don't mean to intrude.” “you don't?” you ask him “well, I supposed, yes, i did intend to come in here” “and now?” “and… well, whatever is your preference.” you motion for him to sit next to you, he slowly walks over and takes a seat next to you. You both look at the TV as Hals finishes building the patio, it then falls on him “is it funny because of the grievous injury the man suffered?”

Vision asks you, confused “No, he's not really injured.” “ah. How can you be certain?” “it's not that kind of show” Vision turns and looks at you “M/n, I don't presume to know what you are feeling, but I would like to know. Should you wish to tell me. Should that be some comfort to you?” you turn to look at him annoyed “what makes you think talking about it would bring me comfort?” “oh, see, I read that the…” you cut him off before he can finish his sentence

“the only thing that would bring me comfort is seeing him again.” Vision turns away from you “sorry” you apologize to him, he turns to look at you again “I'm… I'm so tired. It's… it's just like this wave washing over me, again and again. It knocks me down, and when I try to stand up, it just comes for me again and I… it's just gonna drown me.” “no, no, it wont.” “yeah, how do you know?” you ask him.

“Well, because it can't be all sorrow, can it? I've always been alone, so I don't feel lonely. It's all I've ever known. I've never experienced loss because i have never had a loved one to lose. But what is grief, if not love, persevering?” you stare at him thinking of what he said, he begins to laugh and point and the TV “sorry. Pardon” “no it was funny” “yes, it was very funny, wasn’t it?” “mm” you stare at each other.

You stare at yourself and Vision, happy to see him again and seeing how happy he was making you. You begin to walk forward, but you and Vision disappear “so to recap. Parents dead, bother dead, Vision dead?” you begin to cry “what happened when he wasn't there to pull you back from the darkness, M/n” you wipe the tears away and turn to look at Agatha.

“I can't do this anymore.” “come on M/n! You're on the precipice. You are right there!. Tell me how you did it” Agatha begins to walk towards you “Vision was gone” she comes and stops in front of you “but you wanted him back” “I wanted him back, I wanted him back” you see the familiar S.W.O.R.D door and walk through.

You see yourself walking towards the front desk “I know you have him” you tell a man in the front desk “I'm sorry, but like I said” “please, please, when i came back he was gone. His body. And I know he's here. He deserves a funeral, at least I deserve it.” the phone begins to ring and he picks it up “yes, sir. Yes he's still here” you slowly look up to look at the camera you know he's looking you through “are you sure? Of course. Through the doors. Down the hall. Two lefts and a right.” you begin to walk towards the metal doors “one moment. I have to buzz you in.” “I got it thanks.” you use your powers to open the doors.

You begin to walk down the hall. You take the two lefts and make a right. You see a door and you see as it unlocks. “M/n Maximoff? It is an honor to meet you. truly” you walk into the room and see a man. “Who are you?” “Director Tyler Hayward. I understand you're here to see the Vision, to recover the body, that is, is that right?”

“Well, I'm his next of kin” “I understand. I'd like to show you something” “and then you'll give him to me?” “Please, just come with me.” He opens a glass door and lets you walk in. you look down into a room and see people working on something “what is this? Why are you showing me this?” you turn and ask him “because you asked to see it” you turn back and see what they are working on. Its Vision your Vision “Stop… Stop… Stop it!” you try knocking on the glass.

“What… what are you doing to him?” you turn to look at the Director “we’re dismantling the most sophisticated, sentient weapon ever made.” “But Vision’s not a weapon. You can't do this.” “in fact. It's our legal and ethical obligation” “i just want to bury him. That's all i want” “are you sure” “excuse me?” “not everyone has the kind of power that could bring their soulmate back online. Forgive me. Back to life.” “no, I can't do that. Its… that's not why i'm here”

“Okay. But I cannot allow you to take three-billion dollars worth of vibranium just to put it in the ground. So, the best I can do is. Let you say goodbye to him here.” you turn back to look down into the room “hes all that i have” “well, that's just it, M/n he isn't yours” you look at Hayward through the window. You use your powers and shatter the glass. You slowly float down.

“It's fine. let him see for himself.” you slowly walk towards Visions body. You take your hand and it begins to glow red where the mind stone should be “I cant feel you. I can't feel you.” you start to walk away and towards the door and walk out. You begin to walk outside and towards your car. You spot the red car and get in and turn it on. You take the piece of paper and start driving towards Westview, New Jersey.

You drive into town seeing many people going about their day. You slowly drive up into the driveway where the home of Vision and yours should be. You begin to breathe heavily and take the piece of paper that was on the seat next to you. You get out of the car and walk towards the empty plot of land seeing how they started the house but did not finish. You open the paper and see a red heart, inside the heart there are the words to grow old in V.

You begin to walk towards the middle of the field and begin to cry. You look around and fall on your knees dropping the paper on the ground. You begin to scream and a wave of red shoots out of you. You begin to float and slowly a house begins to form around you every piece coming together like a puzzle piece. The house is finally complete and another wave shoots out of you changing everything around you.

You're in the house as a stream of red shoots out of you slowly turning yellow as it gets further away from you. Slowly it stops and you look in front of you to see Vision smiling and looking at you. You see that everything around you is in black and white. Slowly you begin to walk towards him changing into an outfit just like the one he's wearing. You smile at him “M/n welcome home. should we stay in tonight?” you both begin to walk towards the sofa and sit you lean in and kiss him. You are standing behind yourself and finally know how you did it.

You look around and see everything in color. You begin to hear clapping “Bravo” she snaps and she disappears. “Dad! Dad! Dad!, help us!” “dad! Help” you hear Tommy and Billy’s voice and run towards the door. You walk outside and see Agatha floating with magical ropes around the twins' necks. “I know what you are” “Dad ” “it's okay, baby. It's okay.” you see the familiar red orbs around your hands

“You have no idea how dangerous you are. You're supposed to be a myth. A being capable of spontaneous creation, and here you are, using it to make breakfast for dinner.” “Let go of my children” you tell her. “Oh, yes, your children and Vision, this whole little life you've made, this is chaos magic, M/n and that makes you the Scarlet Witch.”

[shadowofthelamp]

Year in Review: Writing

So, I can’t do the ‘year in review’ for art because... yeah, I didn’t really draw that much this year. So I decided to trawl through my writing tag for one favorite piece per month, and a pulled few paragraphs from each! Basically everything here is Zim except for the one tendershipping week thing, lmao, oops.

Some months had slim pickings but I still do like every one of these and it was a nice reflection.

January: Arrival

Her skin was tinted a sickly green, more like decomposing flesh than irken or human. Dib swallowed, but her breathing seemed to be even when he placed a hand to her kind of chubby chest, so that was probably just how their skin colors mixed, right? Besides, the lighting in the lab was always weird. Her mouth was gummy with no teeth yet, but her vocal cords were functioning perfectly. He was going to need hearing aids by his twenties, between her and Zim.

She had four fingers and three toes, which he kind of expected, as well as a nose but no ears. That made sense, if she had antennae, but it was still strange to run his fingers along the sides of her head and just feel smooth skin.

Her eyes… they were Zim’s through and through, deep ruby with the color filling the sclera. Did irkens even have sclera if they only had one color? Under the lab’s lights and mixed with the way everything on her slightly shimmered from the sticky goo she'd been coated in, she was like a section of space stolen into the little room and it took his breath away. The water blurring his vision didn’t help as he wiped it away with his sleeve, shifting her to one arm. She was so small...

__________

February: WLOD Dib meets Twix, alt version

It’s fascinating, to see what could have gone right. The 1001 here had gangly, underdeveloped limbs, and wispy hair that never quite got clean from the showers. This version wasn’t fat or anything, but definitely had more meat on its bones.

He examined the goggles- peering through them, they altered its vision because they made the lab beyond the ‘glass’ blurry. Curious, very curious. He was about to pop the lens out when it began to stir, tugging at the metal restraints with a clatter.

_________

March: Zibvoid

He talked to himself.

He talked to himself.

He talked to Zim, who hadn’t said a word since he’d died, but maybe he was just giving him the silent treatment.

Round and round, the generator buzzed like a bee and a hospital and a bug zapper that would draw in prey like flies to a web, except he was the spider now and the Zims were the moths.

Dib. Dib Dib Dib Dib Zim Dibdibdibdibzimdibdibzimdib. The names popped off his tongue as he rolled them both in his mouth, over and over until they didn’t seem like names at all anymore.

__________

April: Sturdy Branches (I know the date’s different on ao3 but it was first posted April)

Her dad is either singing or talking to himself as he vacuumed inside the house with a sway in his hips. At least you’re pretty sure it’s her dad? You haven’t seen a picture of him or anything, but he’s about the same age as your dad, so he’s too old to be a brother and too young to be a grandpa, and she hasn’t mentioned any uncles. A babysitter, maybe, but that doesn’t really make sense since Tulip isn’t home yet- ah!

She’s talking to someone as she turns the corner, bouncing her backpack. It’s lilac and circular, as well as covered in buttons. The Ranger helmet is in her backpack or still in her locker, but either way, she’s not wearing it anymore. She’s got the boots on, though. You adjust the binoculars a bit, but you aren’t good enough at lip-reading yet to tell what she’s saying. Whatever it is, it’s making the girl she’s talking to laugh. Maybe she’ll tell you tomorrow in class or at lunch if you pull her to sit at your table again. She has more friends at the middle table, but they don’t like sitting next to you after the beetle incident, and she doesn’t seem to mind. She always has a big smile when you start talking, and she’d say something if she didn’t like you, right? Pretty much everybody else does.

_________

May: Do Something For You (TD spoilers!)

Dib had never really thought ahead to having a family, but she was pretty much everything she’d want in one. She was an assistant and a partner, she was invested in the paranormal, she hated Zim- but on the other hand, she didn’t want him hurt? She seemed weirdly invested in making sure he didn’t get caught, actually. Eh, she’d hit him pretty hard, so it wasn’t like she was opposed to him getting his rightful dues for being an evil space monster.

It was relatively simple- she was just worried if he died then her timeline would be destabilized, which was a decent enough concern. Zim had to be important to his life for years to come, in one way or another. But whatever they were dealing with in the future, it had to be better with Zim out of the way earlier, right?

__________

June: Unnamed capture au drabble

“Why do you even give me these stupid scripts if you don’t like me doing them?” Dib folded his arms, kneading the ball in his palm. “Just get a robot or something.” He snorted. “I mean, it’d probably break, like half the stuff you touch.”

Zim’s hands curled into fists. “Take that back, you- you- worm!”

Dib quirked an eyebrow. “What, touched a nerve? When I was a kid, half the stuff you made broke, it’s just a fact. You only conquered Earth because this place is a trash heap and your garbage is slightly better than ours.” Over a year in Zim’s presence without too many galling injuries and a lifetime of not being able to keep his mouth shut made him bold. “Honestly, if I didn’t know better, I’d say you’re probably broken yoursel-” He was cut off with a Pak leg aimed directly at his throat, prodding in just deep enough to draw a drop of blood down the alien metal.

Zim’s eyes were narrowed, but something was watering on the edges, and Dib swallowed, adam’s apple bobbing just below the leg’s tip.

“Zim. Is. Not. Broken.”

___________

July: Laughter

Ryou couldn't stand the lights on one minute and then hated having them off the next. The shadows bled from the way the light reflected off the couch, how it seemed to devour the wall behind it, and he swore he could still hear the voice in his mind. (Was that himself? Had he started thinking of himself as a separate voice? It had been ages since he'd really been alone, even though anyone outside him would have wondered about the boy who talked to his reflection like it was an old friend.)

He wished he could talk to Ryou. Ryou who had seemed so pliable as a child but had proved entertaining, a match for the fire, (heh, fire, even though it wasn't that funny, in fact, it wasn't funny at all, but what did he have but jokes? it wasn't like he could cry anymore) who carved out rules for use of the body with gritted teeth and tugged at the rope of the Ring so hard it had chafed his neck. He'd respected him. From a soft child, he'd hardened and grown firm, grown powerful, grown to be worthy. What were the odds fate had given him a chance at the same time someone had handed a young Yugi the box with the Puzzle? A roll of the dice. (The Gods having a last laugh, perhaps..)

Ryou dug his nails into the wood of the desk so hard that it made crescents, tiny moons in the umber that dug splinters into his pale fingers. The little model of the Thief King sat, as he always did, half-hidden on his shelf behind the pieces of Zorc. He'd never bothered to glue the monster back together but felt oddly reluctant to just incinerate the figures and be done with them. Both of them. Either of them. Maybe he just didn't want to pretend it had never happened. (Maybe he was worried he'd forget, thoughts and memories swept away by the sands of time, trickling down the hourglass, minute by minute, day by day, as he aged the way the Spirit had never been allowed to.)

___________

August: New Mission

It had been a month.

Nebula Twix had survived. She’d had to be popped into the healing pod when she had an allergic reaction to the oatmeal Dib had tried to feed her when it had inflamed her spooch, and Gir had tried to eat her head the one second Zim’s back had been turned, and she made goo from both ends a lot, but otherwise, she was perfectly fine!

And with that, Zim had come to a crossroads. It seemed that he was, indeed, in this for the long heel. (He was pretty sure that was the phrase. Humans liked large feet and large boots, so it made sense.) He could either continue to keep her a secret, or he could pass on his success to the Tallests.

Creating slaves out of the species marked for invasion was pretty common- something like 85% of invaders did it. But creating hybrids? That number was much lower. (Besides, they were usually disposed of as soon as the invasion was complete.) And irkens having those hybrids from their own bodies, and not just mixing them out of genetic slurry and quickly aging them up in time-fields? Almost completely unheard of. Zim was the pioneer in that area.

Also, having smeets from one’s body may have been a tad illegal, considering how hard it had been to find good information and judging from the fact that all irkens found to do it were brought in for experimentation. But no matter! Zim was nothing if not very, very good at things few other irkens dared to do, ready to drive the Empire forward by any means possible. They would have to appreciate that!

__________

September: Twix finds out she’s pregnant

Secondary life-form detected, the chamber chimed.

“Oh, gross, I’ve got a tapeworm? Well, flush it out.” Twix rolled her eyes, going back to the computer.

Lifeform has elements of Pak user.

Her finger froze on the ‘b’ key. “It… what? Analyze species origin.”

The chamber hummed around Twix as sweat dripped down the skin of her neck. There was a tiny 'ding!’ like a kitchen timer.

Lifeform is too underdeveloped to make more than approximations, but is roughly 25% irken and 75% Dominant Earth Species.

Her scream rattled the walls.

__________

October: Best-Laid Plans

“Of course, Number One.” Two turned his head slightly, and Dib jolted- he hadn’t directly commanded him to do that. “Your plan is perfect.” He blinked slowly- much slower than most Zims. Most Zims were utterly manic, back and forth and back and forth, loud and brutal and dangerous, but Two- Two had always worshiped him. Maybe even more than the rest. It had been nice, to be admired so heavily. Two had adored the personal attention when he was turned into an errand boy.

Dib might miss him.

He shook that thought out of his head, gripping both sides of Two’s face with his index finger and thumb, nails (not claws, they weren’t claws) digging into the cheeks.

“You belong to me.” Two didn’t respond, and Dib dug in a little further.  Irken skin was thicker than a human’s, with a single drop of pink blood oozing over Dib’s fingernail and leaving a barely-perceptible damp trail. “Respond. Who do you belong to?”

“I belong to you, Number One.”

___________

November: Desperation (warning if you click through for impalement)

Dib’s lips were on Zim’s before he even knew what he was doing. “You’re not dying on me, you little bastard,” he hissed, fumbling to hold up the body as Zim nearly coughed blood directly into Dib’s mouth. It was salty and sweet all in one, but Dib couldn’t linger on the taste. Zim’s fingers grasped at his shirt, and Dib took that as a sign that it was working, pressing their lips together hard enough to bruise the capillaries.  

There was a click. Dib breathed in blood and out carbon dioxide, sputtering and swallowing it down so Zim wouldn’t die like this-

Something red-hot and metallic climbed over his arm before digging into his spine, and he realized that the body had gone entirely limp before there was electricity and then there was nothing.

____________

December: Freak

Twix grit her teeth. “How am I supposed to trust you if you’ll just- just do that?”

“How am I supposed to drop my whole social life because you can’t help being the weirdest person in school?” Tulip shot back. “I do care about you, but it’s so, so hard sometimes, because you just don’t know how to act, and sometimes I’m sick of waiting for you to play catchup just because your parents are the town freaks!” She slapped her hands over her mouth and took a step back.

Twix’s eye twitched under her goggles. “At least they’re freaks that love me. I’ll see you tomorrow, third period.”

“Twix-”

“I said,” Twix said through gritted teeth, “I’ll see you tomorrow. Get out before I reactivate the security.”

Tulip got out, and Twix buried her face in a couch pillow and screamed.

[thetradeway]

Session 38 27 Mar 2021: The Flesh Ripper - “We can salvage this!”

The world is a massive bollocking twat this week, so nobody is super happy. Luckily it’s D&D day! Ed reminds us that Melaina did 46 damage in one hit last week, making us all feel inferior. Foul noises are coming from roll20, worrying all of us. Maybe it’s a chest opening noise!

Joe suggests a different noise, one that sounds like a very large beast doing a cross between a belch and a roar, and this one kills Matthew’s sound card. Too much gain on the monster noises.

Matthew heard a news story about a baby shark getting swallowed whole by a crocodile. Tiktok is going to go nuts for that one, they love baby sharks. Ed says he heard about how sometimes baby sharks eat each other in the womb, and it’s the most metal thing he’s ever heard of. There’s a verse for the baby shark song. (We all conspicuously do not sing it, for the sake of Sophie who has never heard it.)

There’s some waffle about the clocks changing while we wait to see if Mina is joining us; she hasn’t been on the group chat today. I send her a message but it doesn’t seem to get delivered. We wait a few minutes to see if she’ll get back to us. Just as Joe gives me control of Kessler, she pops in. lol.

There are some Ever Given memes on the group chat, and then we get started. We are in the Flesh Ripper’s lair…

The arcane casters (except Melaina, who doesn’t have a high enough spell slot yet) all get the Woundbind spell, which they can add to their spell lists.

The doorway on the other side of the canal where we defeated the Black Puddings is blocked with carcasses and bones. Does it look like the flesh has been ripped off them?

DM: “Yeah.”

Ahleqs: “ohhhhh noooooo……”

Kessler rolls Investigation on the pile of... stuff and gets a 15. It’s made of bones and gristle and fat from all manner of creatures from rats to trolls or ogres. The limbs look torn off. (It’s a wookiee - we just need to make sure we let it win.) She can see it will take some strength to shift the bones if we want to get through that tunnel. The roar comes again; we see the back of Ahleqs’ head as he makes a break for it. We could go back and say it wasn’t in…?

We go around the other corner instead and Melaina is immediately attacked by something, finding herself suspended in… something, and her flesh begins to burn.

(Sophie, reading the description of the attack: “‘Engulf’. Bollocks. That sounds awful.”)

She makes a DEX save and escapes. It is a gelatinous cube, AKA, the Dungeon Roomba! (This would explain why the rest of the sewer is so immaculately clean.)

Tarragon Thunderwaves it but it makes the save. She backs up a little. Grease Wizard is up next. He moves closer. “Oh! That thing’s horrendous, look at it.” He throws some acid at it, believing it to be not very dexterous. He is correct - its save is -3, so that is a fail. (Ahleqs, seeing this, warms up a Fireball - forgetting about the gas pockets Shanks warned us about. DM says he can make a Perception check as a free action to see if he smells gas. He rolls a 13; he doesn’t smell anything flammable and is very pleased about this.)

Kessler is up. She is reluctant to punch it, in spite of the potential to make it wobble like a jelly. Ahleqs suggests eating her way out if that happens. She opts for the crossbow instead, and hits it for 5 points of piercing damage. She reloads and fires again for another hit and 10 damage this time. She makes a hide attempt as a bonus action, but she’ll be doing it at disadvantage because she’s trying to hide in nothing. (Cue the Bumblebee gif again.) She rolls two tens and is not hidden. She decides she IS hidden, because she has her hands in front of her eyes. “Close enough.”

Melaina moves and makes a hide attempt, as she is on the other side of the cube now. Nat 20 for a 30 total, she is now in the ethereal plane. She shoots with Sharpshooter, rolling a 21, for 21 plus 13 damage. It wobbles like dropped jelly, and cracks start to form.

Like a blancmange when it goes bad? Well, blancmanges are MADE bad, they don’t GO bad, but yes, like that.

Brother Carl can’t do much. Does he have any paperwork he needs to catch up on? He needs to safeguard both his hit points anyway. He rolls bad on his DEX check to get out of the water and can’t manage it, so he sits down in the water like a toddler having a tantrum in a paddling pool. Not having enough movement to stand back up, his turn is over.

Matthew: “Poor Carl!”

The Cube moves to engulf Ahleqs and Brother Carl - no wait, we’ve missed Ahleqs in the order. Okay, it’s his turn. The cube moves politely back to allow him to go.

The roar comes again and we all immediately panic. Is the ripper approaching?

Ahleqs makes a DEX check to get out of the water on the opposite side to the cube - the same side we found the pile of bones and limbs. He rolls a 21. He scampers up like a gazelle and administers two Eldritch Blasts to the Cube, in short order. “Zap!” A 12 and a 17 for 4 damage total. “Yeah, he better wobble!” Does he sense that it fears him? (Probably not.)

Brother Charity gets a go. Does anyone need any making less poorly?

Us: “You, maybe?”

He slams a potion, regaining 16HP. He holds a healing spell in case something awful happens.

DM: “Okay…. Wheeee!” Oh no. ‘Wheeeeee’ is never a good sound to hear coming from a Dungeon Master.

The cube zooms forward and engulfs Tarragon and Brother Carl, but we both make our DEX saves. It throws a pseudopod at Tarragon but whiffs badly with a nat 1.

Tarragon has had enough; she Rages and hits it with her quarterstaff for 11 damage.

We can see lots of splits in the cube now; it looks in a bad way. Like a chewed Haribo. A sad sight to see stuck to a window in town. Gideon is up - with a little manoeuvring he can throw a Thunderwave at it without hitting Carl or Tarragon. It seems to have a high CON score though so it will likely make its save again… He decides to do an Aganazzar’s Scorcher instead. He stretches out his hands and a big flaming line flies out of them like a flame thrower and burns the shit out of the cube, and Gideon chuckles to himself.

“Engulf this!”

It fails its DEX save and takes 11 fire damage. Woohoo! Does he want to move? No, Gideon is no coward, he’s a stalwart Dwarf dammit.

The small folk are putting the bigjobs to shame today. Kessler gets the how-de-do-dis with her Firebolt. Hey! The bolt penetrates the cube and blows it apart from inside “because I love that kinda shit.”

Melaina is up - wait, what? I thought we did-dis?

There will be a Reason, Duncan is sure. Melaina is AFK so Matthew shouts to the kitchen to ask Sophie what she wants to do. She is cooking ribs. She can’t see what’s going on so she moves forward to attack the cube, not knowing it’s dead. and Joe asks her to show him the path she took. Oh no…

She stumbles into another gelatinous cube. She can make her DEX save, and glides right out of it on the other side to do a backflip and taking no damage. She gives it a stabby with her rapier with a ten, which hits for 7 piercing damage. She yells to let the rest of us know what’s happening around the corner.

Carl stands up and makes another attempt to get out of the water. Really focusing now… a 7. If he goes up to the plank the DM will let him make a STR check to climb up the plank. He rolls a 17! Yeahhhhhh.

It’s the second cube’s turn. Melaina must repeat her DEX save - Matthew will click it for her. a 24!

Brother Carl still gets an attack, so he swings with his mace for a natty 20! Crit table says “Bonk on the noggin. Max damage and roll the damage dice again.” And the mace dissolves…? No, it’s fine. Phew.

DM goes to get more wine, but Ahleqs is up next after that. Would he like to do some spells and shit? He doesn’t want to waste any slots though… Flesh ripper and all…

He will Eldritch Blast again. Zap! Just a hit, with a 20 and a 21 for 13 damage total. Nice.

Charity: “Carl, be careful!” With that, can he scooch past Tarragon? Good luck, she’s raging and all elbows, and will probably do an opportunity attack on him. He slides down the side of the canal instead and goes around her. He clambers back up - well he tries, but rolls a 9 on his DEX check. He goes through all his spells. “That won’t work… Nor that…” He opts in the end for Eldritch Blast and 12 damage total, insisting that it’s ‘divine energy’. Hmmm.

Tarragon rushes forward, still in her red mist, and smacks it with her quarterstaff for 9 more damage; she would move back out of the way to let everyone else get in, but it doesn’t occur to her so she doesn’t.

Gideon does a Chill Touch: “Hyahhh! Ohhhh…” He hits with an 11 for 3 damage. “I’m helping!”

Kessler shoots another Firebolt. 25 to hit and 12 fire damage “to old Blobby.” Kill it with fire!

Melaina backs up and hides, and shoots. She is literally the only competent one among us. 15 hits and 29 damage. Howdy Doody! “It implodes on itself like a nasty custard.”

We beat the dungeon! Yay!

DM: “Nope - not even close.” Aw beans.

Melaina moves forward and finds a loot chest. Too excited to check for traps, she tears it open to find a carved ivory lion with gems for eyes.

Brother Charity scoots around, avoiding Tarragon’s eye line. She growls at him as he goes by, but no-one hears that.

Gideon finds another chest and tries to kick it open but it just rocks back and forth. It doesn’t seem locked upon inspection, so he flips it open to find a blue gem and a sheet of parchment (first level spell scroll). He rolls a D6; a 3. It is a sorcerer spell. He has a bunch of spells so he offers it to Ahleqs.

Gideon rolls a d20 - he gets a 9. It is a scroll of Feather Fall. “Ah! That’s useful!” If he copies it into his book instead of casting it from the scroll, he can learn it. He’ll stuff it into a pocket. He checks on his flumph; it is safe in its pocket-aquarium.

Does Ahleqs want to interact with the chest he’s found? He’s seen others do it; he will try to remember what Melaina does after she says “I’ll check for traps”. He rolls a 17 and doesn’t find any. He can’t find the macro to roll for treasure at first; he gets it together and opens the chest to find 140sp.

Have we looted this part of the dungeon already - oh shit there’s some kind of slurping, gurgling growl. Melaina runs back to hide behind the pillar. We might have to deal with them bones, the ones blocking that pathway... 

Brother Charity sweeps dramatically down the stairs toward Tarragon and attempts an ode - Matthew plays the worst audio I’ve ever heard. It’s a very badly sung song, ending with a marriage proposal.

Tarragon: “Does 23 hit you?”

Charity: “23 hits the fuck out of me.” She does 9 bludgeoning damage with her quarterstaff.

DM: “So you were actually singing that?” Ohhhhh nooooo. This is DM speak for ‘good luck fuckers, the Flesh Ripper heard you.’

We all immediately shit ourselves, but nothing happens straight away. We are all still digging in the bones. Kessler moves forward to Goblin Smash the pile; not the most stealthy tactic. We persuade her to wait a moment before going ham on the bones.

Melaina thinks she could squeeze through the little gap at the top. She and Tarragon make Stealth and Dex checks while Brother Carl helps Brother Charity up; Charity takes a health potion.

Melaina can’t quite get through the hole, but Tarragon scrambles up and through it - not quietly, however.

She finds the Flesh Ripper.

Tarragon presses herself into the wall on the other side - she makes a stealth check with Guidance and manages to keep out of its sight. (Notes are a little spotty from here as I am panicking.)

Tarragon makes a Minor Illusion of the thing on the other side of the pile of bones so the others can see it.

Ed: “Put that away! Put that back in the monster deck!”

Ahleqs casts Mage Hand to cover his eyes, only then realising that its translucent.

Can we fit the armoured goblin through the gnome hole?

Charity asks if he can cast a proprietary spell; Gideon wants to know how many musical numbers are involved. None, his solar plexus has learned his lesson.

He scrambles up and tries to follow his true love through the hole. He’s doing great stealth, but his DEX isn’t going so well so he is struggling to scramble through. He manages eventually, and joins Tarragon on the other side.

Tarragon whisper-apologises for hitting him but says she doesn’t want to marry him. He presses his finger to his own lips, and then to hers; she bites him. He rolls CON to keep from yelping with pain but fails, and we roll initiative.

FUCKkkkkkkkckKKKKCKKkk!

Joe mutes his microphone so he can laugh, and the Flesh Ripper descends upon Charity and Tarragon.

It does something called Whirlwind of Claws which forces a DC19 DEX save. (DC! 19!!!) Tarragon and Charity both fail and take 44 - that’s FORTY FOUR - points of damage. The attack pushes the rest of the bones out of the tunnel, letting the others in behind us thankfully. Charity also does some cold damage to the thing when it hits him.

They all roll initiative and join us.

Joe: I will say one word to you before we start: Primara. (The unicorn!)

Gideon goes first and busts out the big guns. He can cast Fireball at the thing’s head and miss us, because it’s so huge. He also thinks the stonework will take a blast, so he goes for it. It fails its DEX save, ha HA! That means that it takes 27 fire damage and anything flammable in the area also bursts into flame. “Take that, you big monstrosity - die!”

Can it see those of us on the other side of the little tunnel? Yes, because it’s crouching down and looking for us.

Ahleqs also does a Fireball.

Tarragon, panicked, Rages and goes Brown bear.

Melaina shoots with her bow, with a 22 which hits. She does 28 damage. How de do dis??? Please??? She moves back into the water.

Kessler runs at the thing and smashes it with her Thunder Gauntlets. Dirty 20 to hit, for 11 Thunder damage. She uses Fury of the Small to do another 6 damage on top, and goes for another punch. 22 to hit, and ten more Thunder damage. Good opening salvo. As she’s using Guardian armour, she can force disadvantage on the Flesh Ripper if it attacks anyone other than her for the next round. Noice.

Brother Carl is up. He prepares himself for another round of combat in a water trough, as Matthew forgot about him. He makes a DEX check to climb up the side and rolls an 8 which is a failure. He uses the rest of his movement to stand up and look sheepish.

Brother Charity, and the Flesh Ripper is on deck. “I think we may have got off on the wrong foot here…” he casts Magical Glove, aka Shillehglghlbhgllehhlahh. 23 hits, and he does 12 bludgeoning and 2 fire damage. Fire damage? Huh.

The flesh ripper makes a multi attack which gives it FIVE ATTACKS. It misses Kessler with its bite and goes for a slash with its claws, so she reaction-shields. It claws again and misses, and goes for another which also misses.

It does Whirlwind of Claws again. Charity and Kessler go down, and Tarragon is almost re-gnomed.

Gideon calls us back, hoping that those of us still up can hear him. He then does a Ray of Enfeeblement on the Flesh Ripper. He misses. “BALLLLLLLS!”

Kessler, raising her unconscious head for a moment for a spot of sass: “I really dislike that dwarf.”

Gideon: “At least I’ll be alive next round.”

(Savage. lol.)

Ahleqs calls Primara, who rolls initiative to join us.

That was his bonus action. He apologises to Primara for getting her killed, then does another fireball. It makes its save and Ahleqs rolls low on the damage, so it only takes 8 fire. Ahleqs, to himself: “Do I run away?”

Primara moves forward to do a Healing Touch on Brother Charity, who regains consciousness and 11HP. He assumes it was something he did. She then casts Shimmering Shield on Tarragon, which gives her a +2 bonus to her AC.

Bear-Tarragon makes a multi attack and hits twice; the thing is starting to look ‘mildly wounded’. She’ll take it.

Melaina tries Hideous Laughter. “Bazinga.” It fails its save, yay! It falls prone, and incapacitated. We have a choice here - we can cut and run or marmalise it. She rolls to see which way it falls - it collapses on bear-Tarragon, who is trapped underneath it and takes 9 damage.

Kessler makes a death save and rolls a 7 - a fail.

Brother Carl tries to get out of the stuff again. (Maybe he and Popcorn should babysit each other.) He rolls a 4.

Brother Charity is up next. He takes a risk and uses a bonus action to use his healer’s kit. He has to roll 13 or more - and gets a 24. (He injects himself with adrenaline. “I’M ALIVE!!!!”) He Cure Woundses the living shit out of Kessler with a fourteen and shlblgheghldsdllghhs the Flesh Ripper with a Nat 20! Stunning blow - Max damage and the target must make a DC14 Con save or be stunned. (If this fails, it’s back on its feet as it has saved from the Hideous Laughter now.) He lucks out - the Ripper rolls a 7 and is stunned!

It misses its turn as it’s stunned. (It automatically fails saving throws now.) Boom for big fireball damage from Gideon - but no, it only takes 21 fire damage.

Ahleqs is up. “Okay. Um. Do I have to climb out?” (of the bone rubble). Yes, a DC10 DEX check to get out. “It’ll be fine, it’ll be fine, check this out. Yay! Just enough.” He rolls an 11. He stands behind Charity and casts Burning Hands at level 2 for 14 fire damage. It looks a bit bloodied. Huh. Ahleqs gets a nosebleed and takes a few steps back.

Primara is up next. She comes up to Tarragon and does a Healing Touch to give her 11 HP back, and then Shimmering Shield again, and darts back out of range. Me, OOC: “Thank you, I say in Bear.”

Bear-Tarragon does another multi-attack - one hits the other misses, doing ten damage total.

Melaina takes aim with her bow, with encouragement from Goose. 28 damage! (Sophie, OOC: “That’s actually pretty disappointing damage.”)

Kessler is next. She gets up and clicks her neck. She goes right for the groin with her Thunder Gauntlets, 18 to hit and 6 Thunder damage. The second below the belt shot is only a ten so it misses. She dodges around it and disengages as her bonus action.

What does Brother Carl want to do? Splash around in the water? Play with a rubber duck? He decides to try the plank to help himself get out and rolls an 8 STR check. He punches the wall. DM is feeling charitable; he can make a DEX check as well if he likes. Nat 20! He basically levitates out of the water. Ahleqs holds up a little placard with ‘9.5’ on it.

Brother Charity is up. “Ohhhhh balls.” He sighs and does shillebblhlghsfflgjhheh. “Twelvesies?” That’s a miss. “I gently pat him on the shin.” Bonus action - healing potion. Wise. He regains 5HP.

It does the whirlwind again - Tarragon is gnomed and knocked out, and Charity also goes down. The flesh ripper crawls over him to get to the others.

It then hits Brother Carl with a 30 and a 19 - 49 slashing damage total. He goes down, no duh.

Gideon is next, and he casts Haste on Melaina. More speed, AC, DEX and attacks. Woo! He’s basically turned her into a superhero.

Kessler: “Or a super villain.”

Melaina hurriedly: “Shut up…”

Ahleqs is up. He doesn’t need to be in melee with it so that Melaina gets advantage, right? Cool, then he will cast Misty Step and not needlessly throw his life away. For his action he can do a cantrip, so he does Eldritch Blast and uses ToC. “Is that a good idea…?”

Chorus of “Do it do it do it.” Big money, no whammies. Two hits! 7 damage, plus 3. ten total, and he rolls on the old chart. 51: A spectral shield hovers near him for the next minute, granting him +2 to AC and immunity to Magic Missile attacks. He’s protected from Kessler if she goes more rogue than usual, sweet.

Primara moves forward to gently nuzzle Tarragon and brings her back with 11HP. She gives her a quizzical look, and says “teleport?” in her head in Elvish. Tarragon is good in here, but thanks. She politely declines and prepares to do some more battering.

She casts Greater Shilldhbbblhlshggewehh, and hits with a 21 for just 9 damage. “What? This spell is BALLS!” (In addition to the ‘DM win’ button, Joe apparently has an ‘offer false hope’ button.)

Melaina rolls to hide with a 23. “Hidden?” Yes. She shoots twice; thanks Ed. She misses twice. “Sorry, Gideon, I’m wasting my gift.”

Kessler is going to - let’s see… Magic Missile…? Would need to cast it at level 2… That would be four darts… (Ahleqs from the back, sounding pleased: “I’m immune to that.”) No, she thinks her crossbow will do more damage, so she takes aim once at each head. the first misses, as does the second. Bonus action she drinks a GHP.

(Matthew OOC: “Can I just point out that Magic Missile would have hit four times.”)

Brother Carl makes a death save, and passes with a 14. Charity rolls a death save and passes. He gets HP back… It’s a thing he can do. Hmmm.

He is still under the flesh ripper though. He casts Vampiric Touch on it. Can’t miss, as his face is pressed against its undercarriage. Can he have ADV on the roll? Yeah, okay. Oh, apparently he can miss. 

Tarragon and Kessler see, to our horror, the wounds on the hide of the thing start to knit back together.

Tarragon: “Ah, fuck.”

Kessler: “That ain’t right.”

It turns around and does the whirlwind thing again; Tarragon goes down. It crawls over her and attempts to eat Primara. It attacks with a 22 and does 14 slashing damage, then attacks again with a 30 for 19 damage. Then attacks AGAIN with a 22. Then it bites her with a 23 and does 10 piercing and 2 poison damage.

Primara casts Heal Self - phew! Then she teleports herself and Tarragon out of there. Gideon’s turn.

He can see the flesh ripper’s weird grey bits, so he has line of sight. He doesn’t have an awful lot of time for this creature so he burns it again, hoping that the burning prevents the regeneration. DEX save! He is running out of spell slots though. It rolls a 19 - “Ah, that bitch!” It’s still engulfed in flame though. He might have a scroll here somewhere… He has invincib - no, invisibility. (Invincibility would be pretty fuckin’ useful.)

Gideon may cut and run, it depends how the rest of this goes. For the time being, he will hang around. How generous. “Use fire!” he directs us all.  

Ahleqs spends some time calculating distance before casting Eldritch Blast with ToC. He rolls a dirty 20 and a 17 for 8 total Force damage. “That’s a small number!” Creatures have Disadvantage on saves versus his next spell for a minute. That’s good.

Now comes the sad moment where we see the unicorn removed from the turn order, probably. She has a legendary action and uses it to heal herself. So not dead just yet, but she can’t do much else this turn.

Tarragon passes a death save. “Yeah. Winning at life.”

Melaina has been watching the ripper with her beady little peepers. (Ed returns from somewhere. “Is it dead? Did we win?”) Can she hide, on the basis that she can see it but it can’t see her? Yes, so she rolls a 27. She is hidden! She shoots with a 21 for 27 damage, and takes her second attack. She risks using Sharpshooter again, but misses. She has extra movement from the Haste spell, so she uses it to step over Brother Carl’s body and move a little further away from the Flesh Ripper. 

Kessler rolls a death save - an 18.

Brother Carl rolls a death save - a 2, so a fail.

Charity rolls a death save - a 5, so another fail.

The Flesh Ripper takes a turn, and uses it to do whirlwind of claws against Ahleqs and Gideon. Even if he passes, Ahleqs is going down. Oh, also Melaina gets to roll versus this attack as well, Joe says. Gideon, predictably, fails the save. Less predictably, he is still up after the attack. Melaina makes the save so she only takes 22 damage. Only! No wait - she has Evasion. No wait, no she doesn’t, we’re only level 6. She has Uncanny Dodge though, so she takes quarter damage, so 11. “No thank you! Not today!”

It’s still got four attacks. Aw, fuck.

It bites Gideon. “That modifier is monstrous, I hate it.” He goes down. “I should have run away, no!!! Oh, what a horrible place to die!”

Melaina is the last one standing.We could legitimately be looking at a TPK, here...

At least our bones will all lay together.

The only thing Primara can do is resurrect us if we die, and she can only do that once; she darts away and tries to hide so she can emerge and save us if we actually die.

Gideon rolls a death save (ten - pass), as does Ahleqs (also a ten). Then Tarragon (18).

Wait - Gideon’s Haste spell in Concentration. When he goes down it drops. Ed, reading the spell description for the first time - “oh no! Oh fuck! Ohhhh…” In his defence, he wasn’t expecting to get mullered in one round.

Melaina can’t move on her turn now, or take actions until her next turn because the Haste has dropped. Can she go limp and slide into the water like an octopus? The DM - very generously - lets her take a bonus action to hide. “I can feel a natural 1 coming on…” She rolls a 14 total - the thing’s Passive Perception is 12, so she is hidden. Skin of our knickers.

Kessler makes her next death save with a 17. The Brothers also make saves; Carl rolls an 8 and Charity a 19. Ahleqs rolls a death save and gets a 9 - a fail.

Ed, OOC: “We can salvage this!”

Primara has a go at Entangling the flesh ripper; she thinks it’s probably pointless to try, but it rolls a 13 to save versus the spell and is entangled! Yay!

Tarragon fails her next death save. Melaina is up. Can she get past it? She can dash as a bonus action… She shoots at it while hidden first, using her ‘everything-I’ve-got’ button. 18 hits, but she only gets 27 damage. DM tells us not to run - we are SO CLOSE to killing it. Melaina runs to join Primara, whose space she can share because the unicorn is Tiny.

Kessler makes her death save and stabilises. Brother Carl rolls a nat 1 - and dies.

Fuck.

Brother Charity rolls a success on his save with an 11. The Flesh Ripper tries to break free of the Entangle - and fails! Yay! It regenerates some HP though.

Gideon makes a death save - and gets a 19. He’s closer to being alive than dead - but in a death save sense, not a general sense. Ahleqs rolls a ten - another success.

Ed realises he missed a death save, and rolls it now - he succeeds, and Gideon stabilises. Yay! That was a good decision.

Primara is up. Joe checks some spells… She can’t do anything to help so she stays put. Tarragon fails a death save. (Next turn, either way...) 

Melaina sneaks to the door and hides, and shoots - but misses with a ten. She recedes back like a turtle into her cave.

Kessler stabilises.

Brother Carl is dead, so Brother Charity rolls a save and he stabilises too. Phew.

Flesh Ripper goes next, and tries to break free but is still Entangled! Here’s our Hail Mary.

Ahleqs rolls another death save - and succeeds, stabilising. “In a number of hours, I can crawl my horrid carcass…”

Tarragon fails her last death save - and dies.

Fuck.

Melaina rolls a 13 to hide. She shoots with an 18 and hits, for 28 damage - how-de-do-dis!

The arrow goes into one of its’ horrible heads, which looks at the other head and goes “what the fuck!” And it dies. Joe plays some horrible audio. Final Fantasy Fanfare!

Primara comes out and says she has the power to bring one of us back - but only one. They have to choose - Brother Carl, or Tarragon.

Gideon thinks it’s not a hard choice. Melaina doesn’t want to say it too quickly.

They wait an hour while Primara goes about raising Tarragon from the dead, by casting the spell Raise Dead. Some of the others regain consciousness over the course of the hour. There are no more monsters around, so we can take a rest if we want.

We very much do want.

On the plus side, we can level up - yay!

[sepiadice]

D&D 5e (03/10/18):  Geographical Collision

Guess who’s finally back to rolling dice?

Me. I am. With the improv club, though this time with a much more expanded roster and mostly new people. Nine players total, not counting the GM.

Hopefully it goes better this time?

At the very least, Windy Jerk’s player gave their character an actual name this time,[1] so maybe someone learned a lesson.

Not me, of course. Learning things is for other people.

Anyways, session one:

My character this time is Theodora ‘Teddi’ Bell-Seely. She’s a thief. An actual, commits crimes thief. But, you know, only against jerks and such.

I figured I might as well do one actual thief character. Just get it out of the way so I can then proceed with my parade of ‘I like the class, but not the criminal baggage’[2] characters I enjoy.

Teddi is 26, half-elf, has brownish-red hair, and ice blue eyes. Also goat horns and goat eyes. No one’s asked about them in story yet, so it can be a secret here as well!

We begin in a world of floating islands. Just a bunch of floating land masses aligned with three governments.

Teddi’s from a place called Jaruphat. (The other two are called Alonzee and Kratt). There’s various bits of history.

The important thing to note is that, as far as the general populace knows, there’s nothing beneath us, so might as well throw waste over the edges of the island. That certainly won’t end poorly for anyone!

So, yes, before we started, it was clear either someone was going to come up or we were going to go down. Because of the world information we were given, I was leaning towards the  ‘invasion from below’.

The actual start was in a tavern on a small, mysterious island discovered about twenty years ago. There were ‘Adventurers Wanted’ ads, so that’s why the party was beginning to gather.

Starting with a man named Gabriel, who arrives, pays the barkeep a copper, and gets a drink thrown at him for his troubles. Gabe successfully catches it, though, so that’s nice.

The enters an older Genasi named Solomon, whose gimmick is he knows almost everybody already so, hopefully, we’ll gravitate together better. It… was a noble attempt!

He gives the barkeep a gold coin, so he gets a drink handed to him politely.

Solomon and Gabe know one another, and they grab a table.

An NPC sneaks in. There’s a lot of PCs (most of whom I’ll forget to introduce, but will try to as they do important things)[3], so let’s tiptoe around the NPCs for now.

Teddi then arrives, sees Solomon, who she knows, and meets Gabe. Solomon buys Teddi a Drink,[4] and Teddi gladly joins the table.

Then more PCs and three more NPCs start trickling in as Teddi eventually starts a game of Old Maid[5] as she meets people.

Once everyone arrives, we mingle for a couple more minutes before our employer arrives: A woman named Dahlia[6] who wants us to come with her to explore a cave to find whatever device keeps the islands afloat.

Teddi asks about payment, and Dahlia gives a vague ‘whatever payment you want’ answer.

Teddi’s mostly just looking for adventure, so sure. Let’s go with that.

The party heads out, Dahlia gives more exposition, Teddi asks if Dahlia intends to do anything untowards to the device once we find it, which Dahlia denies.

Then the enter party gets hit with a psychic wave that simultaneously filled them with dread and happiness. So that’s not good.

Dahlia agrees it’s not good, as she didn’t intend to do that, so our employer steps behind a nonexistent curtain in reality.

So that’s strange.

One of the NPCs, an elderly man named Nicholas (who happens to be Teddi’s neighbor back home) looks concerned at the sky, then flies away as he tells us to brace ourselves.

Solomon slams a shovel into the ground as Gabe ties most of the actual party to a tree.

Also a young boy with a feathered cloak gets his hand stuck in the hole dug by the party’s Pine Marten Assassin.

Then another island crashes into our island. So that’s a problem.

The party, however, wakes up feeling pretty okay. Not emotionally, obviously, we just had the major landmass we were standing on fall down and don’t know how to get back up; physically, though, everyone was fine.

Also there’s a mysterious city on the horizon. And, for those of us with sharp ears, the sound of a siren (like, air raid siren, not nautical).

And our surroundings stink like poop and there’s garbage everywhere. Just… all over the place, trash. Because we floating island residents thought throwing things over the edge of the islands was a good idea.

Insert environmental aesop here!

The mysterious youth party member in a feathered cloak decides to wander away from the group as we talk about what to do, meandering towards the city.

So, eventually, the party decides searching for other survivors would be tedious, so let’s go to the city, why not.

But we do so carefully! Who knows what horrors live on this mysterious Down Here place?

Giant Bugs/Parasites, that’s what![7] We learned that by discovering a giant bug eating one of the NPCs who did not survive the fall.

(But it’s okay. Lady was evil and liked to throw people over the side of islands for fun. Karmic restitution, I guess?)

Though, maybe the giant bug killed her. Probably should keep that possibility in mind.

Keep walking, and we find a man(?) in heavy protective clothing[9] scavenging the waste.

As we were clean-looking fellas, he instantly pegged us as being from above. He was also very snarky and not very informative. At least, not directly.

Learned our money isn’t good down here, because the guy (who wouldn’t give us an identity beyond being a ‘lowly worm’, so we call him Worm) has a whole bunch of gold coins.

Which makes me wonder who’s throwing gold coins down here, and to such a quantity as to utterly devalue gold, but Teddi doesn’t have time to write an economic research paper.

We also gets hints of a social pecking order before getting tired of the sass and leaving Worm be.

Continued movement, we reach the end of what was once the Starting Island, and come upon a sea of garbage, which wading through would be tedious. We tried anyways.

Then a submarine with tank treads came to our rescue. We talked to the sub’s… driver? Sailor? Pilot?

The sub’s owner (think his name was Donovan), confirmed that, yes, Worm is of a scavenger class not allowed in cities.

Presumably because he’s kind of rude.

Donovan takes pity on us and takes us to the city as he advises us to look way less stylish so we don’t stick out like a sore thumb.

The session ends as we reach the boardwalk within the city walls.

Then we had another session two days later, but that’s a story for another time.

Until then, may your dice make things interesting.

[1] I still do not know the character’s name. I’ve been told a couple times, but it’s super unusual, and sticking to Windy Jerk is just too funny.

[2] Which 5e is really bad with, actually putting in very heavy mechanical implications of a shady background. Systems need to learn not to dictate characters.

[3] I’m also not a note-taker, and most of the group hasn’t posted character details to the Discord yet...

[4] Yes, Drink brand beverage, my favorite alcoholic drink!

[5] My thought being ‘Don’t actually want to gamble; Go Fish is the obvious joke; Old Maid gets played in Animes a lot.’

[6] Stand by for the non-evil twin sister named Iris.

[7] Pretty sure the GM’s visual aid were Zergs. So, y’know, probably should keep an eye out for… Starcraft plot stuff?[8]

[8] I suddenly realize I don’t know Starcraft’s plot too well. There’s Kerrigan, but that’s about as far as my knowledge goes.

[9] Lot of crosstalk, so I missed the description, but I’m imagining Chub.

[thetradeway]

Session 43 31 May 2021: “This is a local ship for local people.”

I’m a bit late, so are Duncan and Sophie. What were we doing? Oh yes, we killed some sirens. It turns out that the boat we are on is 190ft long and not 200 as advertised; clearly Captain Beckett felt the need to exaggerate a few things.

Ed has read the blog so he’s all caught up. (Yay me!) Tarragon mentions that Popcorn was very cross that someone killed his shark, so Kessler offers to throw him a few fins. He is suitably mollified.

The crew of the Fallen Star are scanning the ocean around us for more threats; the First Mate (Aegea) is still looking horrified at the violent deaths of two of her crewmates. We are told the sharks shouldn’t be this close to land. She also says that although she’s heard tale of sirens, she’s never seen one before today. This is not a typical voyage for them at all.

(Could this be something to do with Sea-Bitch? I forget her name.)

A kid runs up to Aegea to tell her she’s wanted below deck. Tarragon heals Ahleqs and casts Lesser Restoration on him and Gideon for the lowered HP max situation.

Aegea reappears and asks if one of us is a cleric; Brother Charity, Ardvack, says he will do whatever she needs. (Hm.) What god does he follow, she asks? Helm, he says. He’ll make it as multi-denominational as he can.

They need to bury the deceased. He says he needs about an hour to get ready. We help clean up the deck during the hour, and are invited to attend the ceremony afterward.

(Ardvack asks Gideon for a quick word in private, but Ed has gone to make coffee because he’s flagging. Matthew decides that means he’s agreed; why would he not want a clandestine meeting with Ardvack?)

The crew pitch in to help clean the deck; Aegea is attaching shells to driftwood; we do Investigation checks. They are painting symbols on the wood - split waves, symbols of Umberlee. (Sea Bitch!) There is also a lightning symbol - we’ve seen Gunna wearing that. It’s a symbol of the Captain of the Waves. Melaina only recognises the dolphin symbol - the elven god of the Underseas. They are attaching candles to the driftwood; these effigies will probably be put out to sea in lieu of bodies.

Ahleqs thinks it would be nice to be able to cast Prestidigitation, but he doesn’t have the spell. He tries to cast it anyway and the DM makes him roll on the ToC table - 73, a random creatures within 60ft of him becomes poisoned for 1d4 hours. He casts Mage Armour for when his unfortunate victim attacks him. No need, because he’s poisoned himself, and we all just assume he’s seasick. He retreats to the poop deck, just in case, and lays down and presses his head against the deck because it’s cooling.

The sailors start coming up from below deck after the hour.

Kessler asks who’s on watch while all this is happening? We’ve already been nailed once, she’d hate for it to happen again. The captain, first mate, bosun, quartermaster, even the cook are all on deck so they can watch.

Beckett approaches us; he looks unwell. Tarragon and Kessler inquire after his health; he says he’s fine. He asks if we’ve seen Brother Charity - he’s still in the surgery. Gideon is still with him.

Meanwhile, in the surgery...

Ardvack: “I expect you’re wondering why I’ve called you here.”

Ed, who has just come back from making coffee and might not have heard the part of the session where he was invited to the surgery: “Errrr…”

Charity thanks Gideon for being the only one of the party who have made him feel welcome; he gives him a scroll and says he wrote it himself. (Oh boy.) It’s a scroll of disguise self; Gideon is relieved as he thought it might be poetry. Ardvack says he thinks it might come in handy. Gideon can copy it into his book; Charity says he hopes Gideon will think of him when he casts it. He says he will put it to good use.

On deck, we are discussing doing something with the shark; Ahleqs throws up over the side.

Charity emerges on deck. The crew have finished their offerings. Charity starts the ceremony for the fallen: Christopher Moistloins and Brian Tetheradick.

He recites a short piece of his own creation and invites the crew to say a few words; he will be sending Carl around with an alms box for their families.

Matthew reads the following:

(We all hear a big sob from the aft castle from Ahleqs.)

Charity burns some stuff in a brazier. Some of the crew and the captain tell stories about the fallen crew, and some put coins in the alms box. We all add some too.

We hold a wake on deck in the evening with rum. We roll perception checks; Ahleqs at Disadvantage because he’s poisoned. He also still cannot get drunk; his body has no idea what’s going on.

The crew are whispering that the Captain was not on deck for the fight; this is unusual. Aegea says the Captain was sound asleep when she got to his chambers and he had to be woken magically. Hmm.

The wake goes on for several hours, after which we retire - some of us for healing and then rest. Ahleqs follows Charity to the surgery, very green and hugging a small metal pot he’s found.

Charity asks him to describe his symptoms; he vomits. Everything is spinning, and this rash is new too. Charity prescribes a course of leeches. He makes a Medicine check - an 18. The Tides of Chaos turned his stomach contents foul. (Ew.) Charity makes a check with the Healer’s Kit - a 21 - and hands him a glass vial that looks like pepto bismol (and smells like it). Ahleqs chugs it and feels much better.

Gideon wants to play dice with the sailors; Melaina and Tarragon help with the watches. Tarragon takes a long rest first, and helps with the last of the watches. (Mina struggles to type the right command to do a long rest; we cheer when she finally gets it.)

Tarragon and Melaina ascend to the crow’s nest. The evening is clear and beautiful. I get all of my good rolls out of the way nice and early with a 25 Perception check. In front of the ship, we see unnatural looking storm clouds. Tarragon shouts to the crew; a lad climbs up the rigging and takes a look through the telescope, pales, and runs to get Sparks. (Mina, OOC: "Is he singing 'This Town Ain’t Big Enough for the Both of Us' as he goes?")

We could have sworn we saw something very large break the surface of the ocean ahead of us. (Me, Melaina, and Charity still have water breathing, so we can drown as slowly as we like.)

Sparks arrives and looks scared - Tarragon points out the big shape but Sparks can’t see it. What did it look like? We aren’t sure. Could it be a whale? She goes back down the rigging and goes to get the Captain.

The storm clouds are getting nearer. The Captain appears on deck and beckons us; we scramble down. He says we don’t have time to turn away from the storm, so we don’t want to be in the crow’s nest when it hits. Tarragon runs to the cabins to wake the others; with no idea what social niceties even are, she bursts into their rooms without knocking.

Ardvack, rolling over in bed to face her, crossly: “Tarragon, I’m not interested!”

Tarragon leaps onto his bed and starts kicking him, furious. “There’s a storm approaching, get up and help us!”

Ahleqs casts Mage Armour.

The ship is lurching by the time we all get back on deck. Tarragon casts Water Breathing on as many people as she can who don’t already have it. We make DEX saves for the lurching deck; all of us except Tarragon deal with it pretty well. She falls prone.

The crew are running around; the deck is chaos. Spark’s eyes are pure white - she’s concentrating really hard. The storm seems not quite as bad directly around the ship. The waves are bigger outside her sphere of influence, and the lightning doesn’t strike within it. Ardvack decides he’s going back down until he’s advised it might be worse down there. He looks for a rope to lash himself and Carl to a mast.

We make Perception checks. Those of us who roll 15 or over hear what sounds like a horn over the rain and thunder and crashing waves. This storm does not seem altogether natural.

Kessler has Ahleqs cast Light on one of her crossbow bolts; she fires it in the direction of the horn that we heard. It flies in a straight line, is taken by the wind and disappears. But she has invented the first signal flare crossbow.

Ardvack finds a place to shelter. Literally all of us except Melaina roll super bad on our DEX saves and are moving at half speed for this encounter. Ahleqs uses Tides of Chaos to give himself Advantage and rolls a nat 20, but then rolls 100 on the d100 - we all panic until he says he ‘regains all his expended Sorcery Points’. Because he rolled so well the DM lets him give a pass to one of his team - he chooses Tarragon. "Barbarians need to move to get closer." (Yeah!)

We roll Perception again. Those who roll ten or more hear the eerie horn again - this time it’s much closer. Should Kessler try her flare bolt again?

(Gideon is worried this might be a ghost ship…) Anyone who rolled 15 or more can roll Perception again at Advantage. Ahleqs sees something and falls down in fright.

The horn sounds again and we all hear it this time. Aegea shouts, “Sea Devils! We have to keep them away from the Captain and the mage or we’re all fucked!” Tarragon runs toward Sparks. The others place themselves where they want to be, and we roll Initiative. I get a nat 1! Fuck! Melaina hides near the mast so she can do some cowardly shooting at a distance.

(We may need to figure out now which of the crew have Water Breathing. Three of ours already had it - Tarragon, Charity and Melaina - and Carl doesn’t need it, so she casts it on Ahleqs, Kessler and Gideon. She can get 7 more.) DM says I got: Captain, Sparks, Aegea, and a couple of the crew. The bosun is not on deck.

Melaina makes a Perception check - a 23. She sees, out of the ocean and scurrying up the side of the ship, a sea-devil!

Ahleqs is up first. He waves to the sea-devil. “Hello! Uh… How are you? Can we help you at all?” He’s using his Retail background. (Sophie, OOC: “This is a local ship for local people.”) He makes a Persuasion check.

It snarls at him and says “Those who are eaten should shut up.” Its voice is raspy, throaty.

Ahleqs holds his hands out: “I’m sure we can come to a mutual arrangement that will benefit all of us,” and readies a Firebolt. If anything attacks any of us, he will attack it.

Ahleqs, Gideon and Melaina - actually most of us, this thing’s big - Thanks Joe - see this, crawling up the side of the ship:

A Huge sea-devil. Well, shit. (Gideon’s only complaint so far is that it doesn’t have webbed digits. It does seem to have webbed armpits. It must get through a lot of deodorant.)

Carl is killing it today - he rolls a 17 for his Dex save. The ship lurches as if something very large slams into it, which is likely exactly what happened. Gideon and Ardvack are knocked prone.

Kessler is up. She shoots the first sea devil with her crossbow, vowing to eat it if she gets a chance. 16 hits, for 8 piercing damage. It screeches, sounding more angry than hurt. That’s okay, this is just the opening salvo. She fires another shot - a 9, which misses.

Tarragon sees another sea devil scale the back of the boat - because it’s feeling friendly it throws a net at her, rolling a 20. Well shit.

Melaina hides and shoots at the bigjobs - a 20 hits. she only - only! - does 25 damage.

Another sea devil runs up to Tarragon in her net and grabs her, running back toward the railing. Shit!

(Duncan complains that all of the sea devils who are attacking are doing so behind him where he can’t see them to unleash his Firebolt; Joe says he will move one that Ahleqs can see. Ahleqs: “I didn’t mean it…”)

Gideon goes on operation Rescue the Druid - well he tries, but he’s prone at the moment. He uses half his movement to get up and goes as far as he can, but can’t quite reach her. There’s still stuff to kill elsewhere though, and she tells him not to worry too much as she has a plan. There’s a pause; is he trying to remember how big a Fireball is? Ed, OOC: “Not yet.” He decides to Grease the deck. This may help or hinder, but he’s doing it anyway. He’s trying to trip the one dragging Tarragon over the side. Hopefully it will hit the railing groin-first in a comical manner, taking 10 cloaca damage. It has to make a DEX save; it rolls a 5 and falls over, yay! Tarragon rolls out of his grip - she’s lucky there’s a railing around the edge.

Thanks Gideon! Grease Wizard to the rescue!

Carl’s turn. (Does he smell bad, by the way? Yes, Matthew tells us. He was already desiccated, and the sea water hasn’t done much to help. He might want some herbs to freshen the air around him or we could all get nosegays.) He uses his turn to dash.

Tarragon rages and uses the Rage to get Advantage on her Strength check to get out of the net - she rolls a nat 20 and does a big roar at the sea devil, forearm veins bulging as she does so. She uses half her movement to stand up.

The sea devil nearest Ardvack throws a dart at him - it rolls a 5 and misses. Ardvack doesn’t even notice it over the noise of the storm. It’s his turn. “Carl, what on earth are you doing?”

Duncan, OOC: “Well, I think we’ve established that they don’t want to be mates.”

Ardvack does Bonus Action Shellegblghlslehhlhlsfghh, then does a Very Holy Eldritch Blast. One hits, the other misses. (The hit definitely doesn’t heal it for 7HP. He’s turned on us!) It screeches, showing rows and rows of sharp teeth. Ardvack, unimpressed: “How gauche.”

A sea devil multi-attacks Carl at Advantage because he’s flanked. The bite hits with a 17 for 3 piercing, and the spear hits at a 14 for 2 piercing. Carl is now their friend, as is their custom.

Anther shiny new friend joins us on the boat. It has a vajazzle!

(I delete myself off the board by accident. Whoops. Benevolent DM puts me back on the board, and in the turn order; sorry, thank you, sorry.)

The new she-monster barks at the others: “Spare the honoured one!” She’s feeling friendly, so a magical looking trident appears in front of Ardvack and takes a swing at him. Just as soon as her spell sheet loads. Ardvack is against whatever’s going on here.

It’s taking forever, so we move on to Ahleqs. He was going to ask - he thinks it’s important to have a conversation about Fireballs and ships. It’s about our third day on the ship; since we’ve been here a while, DM says he knows by now that the ship is warded against fire damage. It’s not immune, but it won’t take full damage.

If he places it right, he will do minimal structural damage. What he’ll do then is first turn around to see what horrors are going on behind him. He sees Gideon’s Grease, and casts Fireball at level 3. Joe makes some DEX saves. two 9s, a 16 and an 18. The 9s fail and take 34 fire damage, and 17 for the rest.

Here is the good news - he’s killed three and injured two more. Nice! The big one was still over the side and was therefore protected from the blast, which is the bad news. He moves, but not too close to the edge 'in case a tentacle comes'. He hunches a little bit and cowers. Ardvack takes the attack from the trident - 18 hits, so he takes 4 Force damage from the she-monster’s Spiritual Weapon.

Another sea devil throws another dart at Ardvack and misses; again he is utterly oblivious. The big bastard one dives back under the water. He is appalled at our treatment of them as guests.

Another comes out of the sea and climbs on board; DM: “Because that’s fun.”

(Tarragon has her back to all of this, and has no idea exactly how bad things are behind her.)

Kessler asks Tarragon if she needs any help, and receives a mindless roar in response. She shoots at some of the creatures - 11 misses, 24 hits.

(Carl is disappointed to find out that the devils aren’t Small; he wanted to grab one by the face and swing it at another one.) We make more DEX saves as the ship lurches again. Ardvack gets a 3 and goes over the side. He can breathe water at the moment, but he’s not a strong swimmer. As he hits and goes under, he catches a glimpse of something:

Oh Christ. Oh no. It’s labelled ‘Enormous Shark’. He’s now keeping Ardvack company in the sea. It’s almost like someone doesn’t want us to reach our destination…

22 hits Tarragon with a poison dart; she takes 3 piercing damage and has to make a CON save - if she fails by 5 or more she is Unconscious. The DC is 13 and she rolls an 8; she is Poisoned and Unconscious (But not at 0HP.)

Melaina Hides with a 24 and shoots at the priestess - 18 hits, for 40 damage with Sharpshooter. (She is a god among women, isn’t she.) Now that she’s attacked, she is visible - the priestess says points at her and says, “Brethren, unclean one!”

The nearest one picks Tarragon up and flings her overboard. Rude. She awakens when she hits the freezing water though, so not entirely bad.

Gideon has two party members in the water. “Well… crap. Okay.” He eventually decides to scamper across the deck (I can’t see where as I’m in the water and facing the wrong way) and do Aganazzar’s Scorcher to try and catch two of them. They both save and take half damage, 7 Fire. The one closest to him is killed. Gideon: “oooh. Fried fish.” It smells disgusting apparently; he uses his bonus action to plug his nose.

Carl turns slowly and ominously to his new buddy, and his hood is blown down, exposing his pallid dead flesh and his milky eyes. He does a, and I’m quoting here, “double-handed splat on him”. Open handed on the top of the head, he rolls a 21 Slam attack to compress it into the deck. He and it make contested Strength checks; Carl wins. The devil is Grappled. Carl would like to squeeze until his hands meet in the middle or something bursts; maybe his head?

(Ahleqs looks at Carl and thinks of the picture he drew for them. Matthew, OOC: “As I said, Carl has a rich internal life. There’s a lot going on.”)

A devil shoots a dart at Melaina and misses; Sophie, OOC: “Twats.”

Tarragon rage-climbs up the side of the ship, using her Action to Dash, and ends her Rage. Everyone is surprised by this; we didn’t know you could do that.

Can Ardvack see the shark? No, because he’s back on the surface of the water. (It turns out that he can see in the dark, but none of us know that in-game. Huh.)

He rolls a nat 20 Perception check. He can now target the shark; it’s 30 feet long. Holy fucking shit.

Matthew, OOC: “It’s a dumb idea. It’s a dumb idea. It’s a very bad idea.” What is? He was thinking he could Misty Step and cling on to the back of its fin and, again I’m quoting, “pester it”. Perhaps he could pump air into it with a hypodermic needle…?

He doesn’t know if Ardvack is that much of a reckless maniac. Can he cast spells with a verbal component underwater while hanging on to the back of a shark, since he has Water Breathing? If the spell has a Somatic component he would have to let go. If he was a retired rodeo champion, the DM might let him try.

He could Misty Step into the shark and pester it from within…? Matthew, OOC: “That sounds like a one-way trip.” He Misty Steps onto the back of it, and he’ll see where he goes from there.

Duncan, OOC: “How fast can a shark go? Are we ever going to see Brother Charity again?”

The shark has almost armour plating; a knife likely won’t go in. Ardvack attempts to cling onto the fin. His Gunna is showing, and the DM approves. He awards Ardvack Inspiration; “That’s ballsy.”

Is that you done, Matthew? “Yes. I have made a terrible, terrible error.”

Contested Strength checks for the devil and Carl; Carl fails this time. The fish man is off; he does not enjoy this. Carl raises his hood in fury. He will take this out on something else close to him on his turn.

The priestess casts Mass Healing Word on her sea-devils. She drinks a potion, because Melaina ruined her day. She calls out to her comrades: “We who eat! Quickly, attack those who are eaten!”

Ahleqs does Eldritch Blast at one of them, using Tides of Chaos for Advantage; 23 to hit, and a dirty 20 to hit for 5 total Force damage. He rolls on the Table of Joy and Wonder: 30. He teleports up to 60 feet to a space he can see. Every space he can see is worse than the one he’s in, though. He teleports to the least dangerous one.

A sea-devil shoots a poison dart at Melaina - it misses. Does Ahleqs want the good news or the bad news? He opts for the good news: he is told he 'ain’t gonna be lonely no more'. The bad news is that he’s joined by the Big Bastard, who has clambered back on board. It does a multi-attack at him. The bite hits for 9 damage.

Duncan, OOC, with hope in his voice: “Is that it?”

DM, with no trace of remorse: “Nope. not so much.”

It gives him a quick prod with its trident - Ahleqs uses two Sorcery Points to Bend Luck - the attack misses. Phew. The Big Bastard prods him again, but rolls a nat 1. “That was fortunate.”

A devil chucks a net at Carl - 22 hits, and Carl is netted. Carl’s other friend scoops him up and slings him overboard. He’s full of corpse gas, though, so he floats. Naturally buoyant. He looks very avant-garde, floating around in his net.

Aegea has a go at killing one of them; she manages it. Woo! Kessler is up. She shouts at Ahleqs to cower (“already all over it”) and shoots her crossbow over his head at the Priestess for 4 damage. She takes a shot at the one that just escaped Carl’s clutches with a dirty 20, for 10 piercing. He is looking ropey; she can see his opal-y flesh through his scales. She then yells at the big bastard to try and get it to attack her instead of Ahleqs.

We all make DEX saves except Ardvack who makes a STR check as the shark slams into the ship again. Tarragon rolls a nat 1. Ardvack is thrown from the back of the shark and is now floating in the ocean. The shark uses some of its movement to dive down.

DM, sounding entirely too gleeful: “You’ve seen the thing on documentés where it comes up from below, right Matthew?”

Melaina wants to pour oil down the mast to make it slippery so the devils can’t climb up. She can cover half the mast if she uses her action. That’ll give them a DC15 to climb. She does that. Two of them slide back down. She attempts to hide but rolls a 12.

The sea devil in Gideon's Grease uses half his movement to stand up, rolls a DEX save which he fails and falls back down. He uses the rest of his movement to stand up again. Amazing.

Gideon uses his fancy new spell on the Big Bastard - Phantasmal Killer. (oooooo!) It makes a WIS save and fails, taking 24 Psychic damage and is Frightened. At the end of each of his turns, he must succeed another Wis save or take 4d10 further Psychic damage. Woah. Wait - it doesn’t take damage yet.

Carl frees himself from the net and starts to climb back on board, ending his turn about halfway up. A devil shoots a dart at Melaina and misses.

Tarragon wanted to cast Greater Shillbblldhdlgslfslgghhh, but finds out at the last second that she doesn’t have it prepared, so she just runs up and hits a devil for 5 damage, and throws a Healing Word to Ahleqs at second level for her bonus action.

Ardvack isn’t sure what to do; he can’t go up against a shark, he’s a tiny little man! He swims away - away?! - from the boat. (He has another character prepared, right?)

He holds his action so that when the shark comes, he will teleport onto the boat. Actually, wait - he has another idea that’s even worse. If you opened up a Bag of Holding underwater, would it fill with water and stay the same size? DM, dubiously: “… Yes… Where are you going with this?”

He wants to get in the BoH, filled with water which he can breathe, and wait for the shark. He will hold his action and wait for the shark. Then he wants to wait for the shark to eat the bag, and do something even dumber than that. The DM warns him that the shark might decide that a bag is a meagre prize, and go for something else.

He decides instead to chum the water a bit - he is bleeding. Perhaps some smaller sharks will distract the big one.

Nope - he decides to go half in, half out of the bag. That’s his turn with his held action.

Does 18 hit Gideon? He is just an elderly dwarf in a dress. We wait for Ed to reply, but it seems we’ve lost him - oh wait, there he is. 18 does hit. He takes 3 Piercing damage and is Poisoned. Nope - he succeeds on his CON save and is not poisoned. He makes a CON check to maintain concentration on his spell and fails; Phantasmal Killer fails and does no damage. Booh! We ain’t dead yet, though.

The Luscious Lovely of the Sea comes down to the mast, and casts Hold Person on Melaina. Ahleqs does Counterspell - and blocks the spell. The priestess thinks that’s incredibly rude, so she uses her bonus action to move her Spiritual Weapon towards Ahleqs. She attacks with it - and misses. Yeah!

Ahleqs casts Burning Hands on the Big Bastard - at 4th level, because he’s terrified. (The DM remembers that these things have Blood Frenzy, so technically they have advantage on attacking us if we’re injured. All of us: “Thanks, Joe!”) The Big Bastard makes a DEX save versus Burning Hands, and rolls a nat 1. She takes 21 Fire damage. DM: “You swine!”

Ahleqs gibbers a little bit. The Priestess looks cross, so he cowers and says, “sorry!”

A devil claws its way up the mast and slashes at Melaina - a multi-attack, both of which hit her. She takes 5 damage total. “Little swine!”

Does Ahleqs have all his HP back? Duncan, OOC: “What’s it to you?” He does, because Tarragon healed him, so the Sea devil doesn’t have Advantage on him. It does a multi-attack - 18, 18 and 21 all hit. He uses a Sorcery Point to Bend Luck on one of the 18s, but it doesn’t do anything. He takes 24 damage total. Ouch.

This ain’t looking grand for us. Aegea will try to run for reinforcements on her turn.

More poisoned darts - Melaina dodges it again. Aegea, to Gideon: “Have you got this for a second? Protect the Captain and Sparks and I’ll get help!”

Kessler is going to do something incredibly daft. She leaves melee range of one of the sea devils and takes an attack of opportunity - which misses - and marches up to the Big Bastard, stowing her crossbow. “Leave the squishy one alone!” She goes for an attack to the face with her Thunder Gauntlet - which hits. 9 points of Thunder damage. Second attack is a nat 20! She does an anime sequence before she hits. Stunning blow - Max damage, and the target must make a DC14 CON save and is stunned on a fail. He rolls a 26. Well, shit. Still though, if he tries to attack anything else he’ll be at disadvantage, which is good news for Ahleqs.

Ardvack is splashing around in the roiling ocean. Does he want odds or evens? The shark can attack him, or leap out of the water and bite at Carl, hanging off the side of the boat. He chooses odds - the shark attacks Ardvack. He climbs mostly inside the BoH - with one hand hanging out, holding an Immovable Rod. With his held action, he activates it. He makes a DEX save - if he succeeds, the shark leaps out of the water and swallows the Bag of Holding. It is suspended in the air as the Rod activates. The DM allows Matthew to make his case for what sort of, and how much, damage he rolls.

How fast was the shark moving, first of all? DM googles it, and reckons about 35MPH. Matthew wants to calculate the damage as you would falling damage - a d6 per 10 feet travelled. Duncan has looked up the rules surrounding the Immovable Rod. It can hold 8,000lb. So how heavy is a shark? An enormous one, at that? There’s a lot of talk about sharks and weight and tons versus tonnes. We decide to go with Imperial tons, as that’s what 5e uses. Great whites can get up to 5,000lbs at about half the length, 15-16 feet.

We decide that the shark weighs more than the Rod can hold, so it swallows Ardvack, the Bag, and the Rod - which deactivates. Well… He’s biffed that, hasn’t he? He spends the rest of the round coming up with a new plan. We all saw and heard what happened, sadly for him. Ahleqs will still be screaming when his turn comes around again.

Melaina ignores the devils next to her and aims at the Priestess, but hides first. 13 misses. “Bollocks. Okay, that’s me done.”

No wait - 13 hits! Nice! 34 damage. Bitch is haggard. “She looks in a terrible terrible bad way.”

(Matthew OOC: “I’m inside a giant fish.” Sophie: “You idiot.”)

The devil nearest Tarragon attacks her with a 20 for two damage. She laughs at it, showing the blood on her teeth. Another attacks Ahleqs with a 16 for 2 piercing. Another attacks Kessler - both its multi-attacks miss.

Gideon’s plan is to shoot a spell in a line at three of the Devils - he does Aganazzar’s Scorcher again. They make DEX saves - the first dies outright. “Woohoo!” One succeeds - taking 9 damage - and one fails, taking 18. Gideon sits back and says some encouraging words to Sparks and the Captain.

Carl has another ten feet to climb - which takes 20 feet of his movement. He clambers back on board like Jason Voorhees and does 'that weird shoulder breathing thing' and spends the rest of his turn looking intimidating.

Another poison dart - this one at Melaina, again. It just hits, with her new AC (two added as she’s behind cover). She takes 2 piercing and makes a CON save - she fails with a 2, and falls unconscious. “Awhh!”

Tarragon hits the devil in front of her for 10 bludgeoning; it’s looking ropey. She Healing Word’s Ahleqs again.

Brother Fish Food is up. He doesn’t need his hands to cling on from inside the shark, so good news, Somatic components are A-OK. He clings to the edge of the Bag of Holding and casts Dimension Door to bring himself and the Bag to the edge of the ship where he was originally knocked off. He spills out of the Bag; anyone near him hears him mutter-sobbing: “Terrible idea, terrible bad idea, my books are ruined, I’m never going in the sea again…” and vomiting. DM: "… there was water in the Bag, yes?"

He has flooded the deck with acidic shark stomach contents. Lovely.

Duncan, OOC: “Well, you aren’t in a shark any more, so that’s nice.”

What horrifying event is going to befall the group next? Can’t be anything worse than what Ardvack has just done to himself.

Nothing happens yet; the Priestess Heals her scabby ass so she doesn’t fall down dead on the deck. For her Bonus Action, since Melaina is unconscious, she clobbers the gobbo with her Spiritual Weapon. She rolls a 23, but Kessler casts Shield. DM, frustrated: “God damn you!”

Ahleqs’ turn. “Hello!” Looks like the goblin has things under control, so he can probably run away. The Priestess and the devil are both in melee with Kessler, so no attack of opportunity. He runs for it and turns to throw a Fireball, but changes his mind and casts Shatter instead at 3rd level. He hits the Priestess and two of the remaining devils - they make CON saves. We wait for Joe’s computer…

The Priestess and one of the devils save; 17 for the other and half for the two who succeed. He kills one, yay! He swigs a Healing Potion for his Bonus Action.

Melaina takes a d6 of damage as the devil in the crow’s nest with her picks up her unconscious body and flings it down onto the deck. She wakes, but takes 3 falling damage.

Kessler makes an attack of opportunity as Big Bastard moves to get past her - she smacks it with her Thunder Gauntlet but rolls a nat1. Matthew reminds Joe about the crit-fail table. On the Rebound - Your weapon bounces off your target and strikes you in the face. Take 1/2 the weapon’s damage, and you have Disadvantage on your next attack.

DM, delighted: “I hit her, I finally hit her!”

Does 17 hit Melaina? Yes, it does. Big Bastard is going to have a little bite of her, and then stab her with his trident. He’s at Advantage because she’s prone but at Disadvantage because she’s not Kessler, so a straight roll - an 11 and an 18 for 18 Piercing damage. Melaina is not in a good way, now. Another one comes and bites and claws at her as well, because this lot hate elves. Matthew, OOC: “This seems like racial profiling.”

Aegea returns with reinforcements - including Lolo, to Tarragon’s delight.

Kessler is up. She uses her bonus action to activate her Defensive Shield, giving herself 7 temporary HP. She does her Thunder Gauntlets at Big Bastard again. 6 Thunder damage. She can’t reach the back of his head so she aims for the back of his groin. Ahleqs, wincing: “Oooh, right in the gooch.” DM: “You’ve caressed his dangles.”

We all make DEX saves as the boat lurches again. Melaina is already on the deck, so she doesn’t have to worry about it. Again, Tarragon falls - and Carl goes overboard again. Matthew, OOC: “He had plans…”

Ahleqs expends two Sorcery Points to add a d4 to Carl’s DEX save - he rolls a 2, which is just enough to save him from falling into the water again. Carl feels a warm sense of something - has he wet himself? - No, a sense of community. DM allows him a free Intelligence check to see if he can speak, to mark the occasion - he rolls a 1. Well, he rolls a 4, and applies his minus-three modifier. At least he’s still on board.

Sophie is nodding off and it’s a school night, so we knock it off there. Kessler is going to enjoy kicking the shit out of that Big Bastard next week.