#developed into a tic. maybe it always was idk! but it’s worse now

[suoulfillem]

aha

[flockofdoves]

whenever i try to figure out stuff about my specific form of stuttering (and im super interested in connecting my own vague theories about it to stuff other people have said after taking a psycholinguistics class this semester) i feel crazy because like no medical description of types of stuttering i ever see online match my experiences with it even though i feel like whatever is happening with my stuttering feels like it should be a relatively normal issue to happen to some people

like its not really that bad anymore im not looking for treatment for it but i just want to hear about other peoples experiences with similar and also be able to potentially understand whats happening in my body whenever it happens and its just so surprising to me how little i find whenever i look

but yeah. so curious if anyone else can relate to this or has thoughts or anything. trying to summarize my experiences:

started right around puberty when i was 11

it never was all the time just like random days or hours would be worse all of a sudden

mostly trouble with repeating the start of words or elongating the first vowel, makes getting whole sentences out really arduous

went away some time in early high school for the most part, but then randomly reemerged my sophomore year of college

for a while i theorized it just had to do with low blood pressure or low blood sugar from my eating disorder, because it turned out that when it reemerged that was when the worst of my ED started, but i'm well into recovery now and while stuttering can be a sign that i havent eaten enough in a while, and i certainly was stuttering worse at the worst of my ed, i still stutter at many times when i know i have eaten consistently and enough for a while

also feels like sometimes it can correlate with stress or exhaustion, but while of course i cant be sure i'm always recognizing when i'm stressed (having issues with dissociation and fibromyalgia feels relevant to that) it at least doesn't feel in the moment like thats always the case when i start stuttering, and sometimes feels pretty random

it feels like a specific form of brain fog distinct from other forms of brain fog i also experience in that its very actively irritating as if parts of my brain are turning off and on(?? not really accurate but idk how to describe it)

i also have had times of my life where i have had that same feeling while developing body jerks and facial tics (maybe also hand tremors but i think those felt more directly related to what i've later recognized as low blood sugar from my eating disorder)

i also theorized before that those facial tic episodes could have to do with tardive dyskinesia (had really really bad reactions to risperidone and abilify and was on each of them for years, and abilify side effects sometimes felt sorta similar, and my facial tics/tremors etc arent nearly as prominent now that its been years since i last was on those meds) but that doesnt really make sense to me when it feels so similar to my stutter and the stutter started before i ever was on any psychiatric medication

i tend to stutter or have those tics a lot more prominently around people i am comfortable with. sometimes while stuttering/etc it feels like if i really really tried hard and put a lot of energy into it i would be able speak without stuttering even if still a little slow and monotone, but despite the frustration that comes with not being able to fully express what i mean quickly, it still doesnt feel worth it to put in that effort unless i need to perform for strangers (wording it like this is a lot more intellectualized and makes it sound a lot more like an active choice, while in the moment its kind of all just vague instinctual feelings)

honestly i have no idea if any of the stuttering or facial tic stuff do or dont relate at all to other behaviors i exhibit like some of ocd compulsions that are less elaborated and more just 'i wouldn't feel right if i dont touch this in this specific way right now' / my habits of picking up on a random weird exclamation that i subconsciously vocalize whenever i think of something stressful and am in a comfortable environment / my issues with body focused repetitive behavior (especially dermatillomania)

idk!! brains are just interesting im just curious what other peoples thoughts are..

like i guess looking at lists of types of stuttering it could make sense to guess this is psychogenic stuttering but its just like crazy how nonspecific any talk of it has been. ive become kinda interested in neurolinguistics which obviously is still so so full of uncertainties and biases as a field but theres at least some physiological backing for the things it talks about so its just so disappointing when topics that i wish were more explored by it are instead just stuff im finding information about from a psychiatric framework..

[fluffyasra]

So I thought this looked like fun, and I’m always down to develop Elit a little more. Idk if anyone’s gonna read it, but maybe it’ll be useful for my own reference lol. (Original post found here) 

I’ll put it all under the cut so as not to clog your dash <3 

Character Chart Character’s full name: Elit Aroha Wingate Reason or meaning of name: Elit was something I translated from Latin many years ago to use as part of a cool-sounding gamertag (lol) but apparently it means “developer”, which is kind of fitting. Aroha means love in Maori, and I think it sounds lovely. Character’s nickname: El or Sunbeam Reason for nickname: El is obviously short for Elit, and Sunbeam because she’s a pretty smiley gal Birth date: 14th February Physical appearance Age: 21 years How old does he/she appear: Younger than she is, around 17 Weight: 190 lbs or 86 kg Height: 161cm or 5′2″ Body build: Hourglass figure, but a fairly chubby one Shape of face: Heart shaped, but soft and round Eye color: Green Glasses or contacts: She doesn’t use either, but she would prefer contacts if she did. Skin tone: A pale, rosy complexion Distinguishing marks: Freckles across her nose and cheeks, and a small patch of skin on her stomach that never tans, so it’s just pure white. Predominant features: Her ears are slightly larger than average, and she’s really self-conscious about it.  Hair color: A pink-tinged blonde Type of hair: Long, with big loose waves Hairstyle: She usually wears it in a half-ponytail, but likes to leave it loose or tie it all back if she needs to. Voice: Soft and girly, she speaks fairly quietly and enunciates well.  Overall attractiveness: She’s quite pretty, although perhaps not conventionally due to her weight and whatnot.  Usual fashion of dress: She likes flowy, loose-fitting clothing. Usually some kind of soft white blouse, and her favourite burgundy harem pants.  Favorite outfit: Despite her everyday floaty style being her go-to, Elit’s favourite outfit is any kind of over the top dress. She favours a vintage A-line fit and flare kind of dress. Jewelry or accessories: She has a gold ring set with a small ruby, and matching bracelet that she always wears. She also tends to wear a piece of rose quartz on a length of leather around her neck. Personality Good personality traits: Optimistic, caring, romantic, studious, hard working Bad personality traits: Messy, stubborn, sometimes lazy, awkward Mood character is most often in: She’s usually pretty happy and contented Sense of humor: Ridiculous. Everything is funny to her Character’s greatest joy in life: Elit is happiest when she can swim in the ocean. Nothing beats that. Except maybe swimming in the ocean with Asra. Character’s greatest fear: Losing Asra Why? He is the only constant in her life, and he’s been there to take care of her as long as she can remember. She loves him with all her heart and can’t bear the thought of losing him. What single event would most throw this character’s life into complete turmoil?Losing him. She wouldn’t know what to do on her own for a long time.  Character is most at ease when: She can curl up with something to read, whether it’s a story or something to learn. Bonus points if Asra and/or Faust are with her. Most ill at ease when: she is left in charge of something important. She is terrified of messing up and making things worse. Enraged when: she, or someone she cares about, is taken advantage of (which happens all too often, given her caring personality) Sad when: Elit can be very over emotional, and lots of things can make her sad easily. Fortunately, she’s quite easy to cheer up too. Priorities: To love and be loved. To learn how to be the best, most useful magician she can. Life philosophy: It’s better when you’re smiling If granted one wish, it would be: For her life to be how it was prior to her memory loss. Why? It was everything she desires - family oriented, she had a wonderful relationship and lots of friends, and was well on her way to becoming a powerful magician. Character’s soft spot: Elit IS the soft spot. Greatest strength: In a pinch, Elit is far more resourceful and quick thinking than she gives herself credit for. She reads a lot, and remembers things she’s read, so she can be quite helpful in many situations. Greatest vulnerability or weakness: She is very trusting, which means she is easily manipulated  Past Hometown: Elit was born in a small but busy fishing town Type of childhood: She had a happy childhood, being an only child her parents devoted a lot of their time to her. She did well in school and enjoyed exploring her town. Pets: She had a black cat called Bella that she kept as her familiar, but she doesn’t remember. First memory: Waking up in Asra’s arms coughing after he successfully brought her back to life. Childhood hero: Her mum! Dream job: Elit would love to be a writer Education: She was in school til around 17, when the plague spread through Vesuvia, and now is being educated as Asra’s apprentice (in my modern AUs, she’s doing a degree in astronomy) Religion: She doesn’t have any particular religion, instead trusting in magic Present Current location: Vesuvia Currently living with: Asra and Faust Religion: -  Occupation: Asra’s apprentice Favorites Color: Pink Least favorite color: Orange Music: Soft and relaxing strings or indie-pop in the modern AU (but modern Elit will also happily sing at the top of her lungs to Justin Bieber’s “Love Me”) Food: Peach pie Literature: She loves classical or historical romance Form of entertainment: Reading Mode of transportation: Boats! She loves being on, in and around the water Most prized possession: Her ruby ring Habits Hobbies: Swimming, baking and reading Plays a musical instrument? She can play the harp Plays a sport? Definitely not How he/she would spend a rainy day: Curled up in bed or somewhere else cosy with Asra. Perhaps just talking, or she would read. Smokes: No Drinks: She does, but not all that often Other drugs: Nope What does he/she do too much of? Worrying about...everything What does he/she do too little of? Tidying and cleaning up Extremely skilled at: Baking Extremely unskilled at: Technical stuff confuses her (such as computers in the modern AU) Nervous tics: She plays with her necklace a lot, or wrings her hands Usual body posture: Stands up quite straight, but is more comfortable leaning on one leg Traits Optimist or pessimist? Optimist Introvert or extrovert? Introvert Daredevil or cautious? Cautious Logical or emotional? Both. It often depends on the situation. Disorderly and messy or methodical and neat? Elit is a chaotic mess Prefers working or relaxing? She enjoys her work Confident or unsure of himself/herself? Unsure and insecure Animal lover? She’s quite afraid of animals, but likes the idea of them Self-perception How she feels about herself: She’s very insecure and doesn’t like herself much. One word the character would use to describe self: Fat What does the character consider her best personality trait? How much she cares about people What does the character consider her worst personality trait? How stubborn she can be What does the character consider her best physical characteristic? She likes her wrists and hands. What does the character consider her worst physical characteristic? Her body as a whole. She hates her weight How does the character think others perceive her: Sweet and cute What would the character most like to change about herself: Her weight, and her ears Relationships with others Opinion of other people in general: She doesn’t particularly like other people, but doesn’t think they’re inherently bad  Does the character hide her true opinions and emotions from others? Yes, she often puts up a front around other people Best friend(s): Gianna, in the modern AU Love interest(s): Asra, always

Person character openly admires: Audrey Hepburn Person character secretly admires: Taylor Swift Most important person in character’s life before story starts: Asra After story starts: Still Asra lol