#despite this being the day of a funeral (the whole reason I was here)

[after-nine-at-the-oasis]

happy new year 🥰🥰🥰

[ryukatters]

swipe right — k. bakugo x fem! reader

✮ a/n: i remember seeing a post on here a long time ago about a character making a fake tinder profile for their gf and realizing how many people want her. (if someone knows the OG post please lmk so i can link it!) so now i present to you: bakugo falling to his knees in the middle of your apartment bedroom for the exact same reason.

✮ content/warnings: dubcon, quirkless/college! au, jealousy, possessiveness, breeding, creampie, unprotected sex, cum eating, cunnilingus, overstimulation, praise, biting, bkg gets a little rough with you, and bkg's also a fucking simp but when do I ever write him as being otherwise??

✮ summary: your boyfriend decides to make a fake tinder profile for you just to see how many matches you get. he comes to a realization just how many other people want what’s already his.

✮ word count: 4.2k (i'm so sick)

Bakugo can remember how this all started. In very vivid detail, actually. He remembers because Kaminari had pissed him off so much to the extent that it took him a very substantial amount of effort to refrain from bashing his friend’s face in.

It all started during the last monthly hangout amongst Bakugo and his friends— one day out of the month designated to make sure that they all had time to catch up with one another despite their busy schedules.

Everything was normal, with all of them getting more than enough of their fill of food and alcohol while idly playing video games and talking about random topics to fill in the silence in Kaminari’s living room. 

Perfectly normal, until Denki decided to open his stupid mouth, at least. 

He goes off on a tangent about a trend he saw on social media where someone makes a fake Tinder profile for their partner to see how many matches they’d get. He proceeds to tell Bakugo that he should try doing it, for “funsies,”— to which Bakugo scoffs at. 

“Aren’t you curious, Kacchan?” Kaminari smiles cheekily, wrapping an arm around his blond friend’s shoulders, seemingly oblivious to the fact that Bakugo’s becoming visibly more upset with every passing moment. 

“Your girlfriend is really pretty,” Mina chimes in, sticking her tongue out when Katsuki whips his head to glare at her. “I’m still surprised she’s with a grump like you.” 

Kaminari butts in, “I bet there’s a whole line of guys around the block just waiting for a chance to get with her. I mean, just look at her! Hell, I’d even let her peg m—”

For a moment, Bakugo swears he wants to bash Kaminari’s face into his flatscreen. And for a moment, he lets that impulsive thought win— getting up and grabbing two fistfuls of Denki’s shirt before promptly getting cut off by Kirishima.

“Alright alright,” Kirishima forcibly pries Bakugo off of the other blond, pushing him off to the side. “That’s enough, you two. Kaminari was just messing around. I’ll admit, it wasn’t a good joke, but no need to hurt the guy, okay Bakugo?” 

Kirishima knows that Kaminari wasn’t being that serious, but Kirishima can also admit that what he had to say held some ounce of truth. And Kirishima knows Bakugo well enough to see how your boyfriend tends to be rather skittish and protective with matters concerning you— which is exactly why Eijiro had to stop him before it was too late. He really didn’t feel like preparing for Denki’s funeral or helping hide Katsuki escape from a homicide charge.

And that was that…up until a few minutes ago.

Katsuki’s tried to forget that conversation. But try as he might, his mind betrays him and can’t help but wander back to what Denki said that night.

He trusts you of course, and has complete faith in your relationship. However, he’s curious to a fault, just about perhaps too curious for his own good. 

How badly could this end?

As it turns out, this whole scheme seems to be playing out very poorly. 

Dozens of photos of you— screenshotted from your social media accounts— fill Katsuki’s screen. He had to choose photos you uploaded yourself, because most of his photos of you were either too…suggestive or too domestic (and he wants to be the only one to see you in those moments).

He swipes through “your” profile one last time before clicking “done” to officially put you on the market. And just like that, Bakugo’s met with the faces of men who are nowhere near your level. He goes through the batch of profiles, scrutinizing each one he comes across. He’s (un)surprisingly selective with the ones he chooses to swipe right on— making sure that they’re at least somewhat conventionally attractive. To his surprise (or dread, rather), his phone pings right away with a notification from someone who swiped back. Another ping. A message. 

You free tonight? 

Bakugo scoffs. He looks through the guy’s profile— a picture of him at a party with his arms around some girls, another with him doing a victory pose presumably after hiking, and one with him holding a fish. He feels his mouth curl in disgust, about to give into the urge to reply and give this guy a piece of his mind, before he realizes he’s pretending to be you. He takes a deep breath, closes out of the app, and puts down his phone. 

He’s starting to regret this.

Bakugo’s phone has gone off 15 times in the last hour. Bakugo has also felt the need to strangle some stranger through the phone 15 times in the last hour. Your (read: his) profile has existed for less than 60 minutes, and you already have a whole address book of nobodies trying to link with you and get a quick fuck. 

He feels the familiar beginnings of a headache creeping up the back of his skull. He thinks he might need a drink. Why did he decide to do this again?

In hindsight, he probably should have known this is exactly how it was going to go down. 

What was that saying? Curiosity killed the cat?

Yeah.

He was never great at self-preservation in the first place. So this, the feeling of overwhelming jealousy, frustration, possessiveness brewing up a storm threatening to pour out of every single fiber of Bakugo’s being— was no surprise.

He watches as the numbers at the bottom of his screen increase steadily, before tapping on the star icon. 

‘99+ likes!’ it reads. Over 99 people who saw your profile and thought you were beautiful. Bakugo pales, and he can feel the cold sweat building on the nape of his neck. He grips his phone, knuckles turning white. Is he shaking from anger or nervousness?

Anger because all these guys think they even have the slightest chance with someone as amazing as you. Nervousness because what if you decide that they do? You wouldn’t actually leave him for one of these guys, right? Right?

None of these men would walk through hell and back for you. They don’t know how you like your coffee, the details of your skin care routine, how you like to binge watch shows and talk Katsuki’s ear off about them (not that he ever minded, of course). They don’t know you, not like he does. Katsuki looks at you like you hung the moon. In fact, he’s pretty convinced that you did. Everything good in his life— the warmth, the color, the joy,— is encompassed by you. He’d be damned if he lets some greasy little nobody take that from him. Because the moment Bakugo fell in love with you, you became a part of him— inextricably and indefinitely. Loving you has become so intrinsic to him, that even the mere thought of another person loving you or looking at you the same way he does has him going insane. Not that anyone could love you like he did, though. That thought brings him some comfort, but not for long. 

One last notification he sees sends him spiraling. Bakugo swears that he can see red. That’s when he deletes the app, and throws his poor phone in some random corner of the living room, which is markedly one of the smarter choices he’s made as of late. He marches to your bedroom with a fire burning in his chest. 

He stops short of the door and finds you sitting at the edge of your shared bed, fresh out of the shower. You’re applying lotion, and he watches the cream absorb into your skin wordlessly, in awe at how overwhelmingly beautiful you manage to look in the most prosaic of tasks. For a second, he almost forgets the reason he was upset in the first place.  

Your hair is still damp, water droplets accumulating at the tips, and Katsuki feels his mouth run dry the minute he watches a stray bead fall and make its way down your neck and stop perfectly in the dip of your collarbone. Your very existence is forever etched into his heart, every inch of you carved into his memory, but even still he can never get tired of looking at you. At every angle, in every lighting, he needs to see you in it. You could call him obsessed, but he’d simply laugh and agree, because what’s so wrong with that? Especially if it’s you. 

You’re one to be studied— to be adored, Katsuki thinks, to the greatest capacity. It’s what you deserve. And what better person for that task to fall upon than him?

He finds himself naturally gravitating towards you, his finger tracing the same exact path the water had carved just moments before, wordlessly. You try to pay no mind, but it’s difficult as you realize just how close Bakugo was and how your towel barely manages to cover up your most intimate parts. One wrong move and you’d be exposed. With how things were playing out, and the predatory glint in the blond’s eyes, you don’t think your boyfriend would be too perturbed with your current predicament. 

Katsuki presses a delicate kiss to your forehead before he crouches down. Suddenly, you’re at eye level with one another, his hot breath tickling your lips. You think for a moment he’s going to kiss you so you lean forward, lips waiting. But he merely grazes them before he sucks a deep bruise into the juncture of your neck, biting slightly. 

You’re barely given any time to react before he’s grabbing the hand that’s securing your towel and ripping it away, the offending garment falling off your body. Your flesh prickles with goosebumps as its exposed to the sudden chill.  It’s quickly replaced by the heat of Bakugo’s body as he pushes you lightly, your back hitting the mattress. He crawls on top of you, muscular thighs on either side of your hips, your head placed conveniently between his forearms. He’s trapped you, a nonverbal challenge for you to try and escape. 

You’re a work of art, he thinks, but much more valuable than any pièce de résistance framed in any museum. 

Beautiful, yes, but far too blank for his liking. He wants to ruin you, make you his own personal magnum opus. And so he does. 

He presses a clothed knee against your bare cunt, pressing firmly. His lips continue their assault on your neck, leaving angry purpling bruises in their wake. Rough hands find your breast, and you moan in surprise when he gives both of them a harsh squeeze as he shoves his tongue into your mouth. Katsuki kisses you like a man dying of thirst, hungry for everything you can offer him and more. It’s all too much already, the way he’s kissing you has your mind reeling, and you have to turn your head away for a moment to catch your breath. Katsuki thinks it’s a moment too long without you, so he coaxes you into locking lips with him once more. A wave of mischievousness washes over you, prompting you to take your boyfriend’s lower lip in between your teeth, biting down lightly. 

You feel his breath hitch, before he lets out a low groan as he grinds his clothed dick against your bare wetness. He returns the favor, sucking on your bottom lip before letting it go with a wet pop. He pulls back with a lazy smirk, his lips pursing together to scatter messy kisses down the base of your throat and down your chest, alternating between sucking and biting at the flesh. 

He gives you a good once-over, scanning every surface, committing them to memory. You feel the need to curl into yourself with how intensely those vermillion eyes are piercing into you, memorizing every single curve, scar, freckle like he’s done time and time again. 

He drops down to his knees, broad shoulders bullying their way in between your legs, forcibly prying them open. He grips your hips, fingertips digging into the soft flesh, and drags you down the mattress until your legs are dangling off the bed.

“Jesus, Kats, be more gentle.”

“Shhh. I know you like it when I’m not gentle,” he chuckles. As if to prove a point, he pulls you down even further, giving a harsh bite to your inner thigh. He smiles deviously when you yelp. You try to pull at his hair but his reflexes are too quick, pinning both of your wrists down on either side of you easily. “Besides, this is the perfect height for me to eat you out, dontcha think baby?” 

You want to chastise him for being so crass, so Katsuki, but the words die on the tip of your tongue the minute he gives a sweet, loving kiss to your clit, sucking lightly. 

“You’re mine. I don’t want anyone else seeing you like this except for me.” 

You’re not entirely sure what brought this on, but you find it hard to complain when Bakugo drags his tongue from your throbbing clit to inside your pussy, drinking everything you have to offer. 

Your hands automatically try to find purchase in his blond locks, struggling against the vice grip Katsuki has on your wrists. He decides to take pity on you, loosening his hold so you can slip your hands into his hair, moaning appreciatively when he feels you tug. He rewards you by flicking his tongue on your clit over and over again, just the way you like it. He does it until your moans begin to pitch higher and higher, the same way that they do when you’re close. He doesn’t stop his ministrations even after you cum, riding out your orgasm until your thighs are shaking from overstimulation. He pulls away from you with a loud pop, taking in the sight before him. 

He runs a hand up and down your thigh soothingly. “So fucked out already and we’re barely getting started, baby.”

Your mind is barely processing his words before you feel Katsuki’s erection brush against your stomach, his clothing haphazardly discarded on the floor. He taps the head of his dick against your clit to tease you, a feeling of satisfaction swelling when you cry out from under him.  

He watches in fascination as strings of your arousal cling to him. He positions his length at your entrance, locking eyes with you as you hold your breath in anticipation. Katsuki likes you like this. Needy for him. 

 “You’re the most beautiful girl in the world, you know that?” He slips into you with a stuttered groan. 

Katsuki’s always been big. You never get used to the initial stretch, no matter how many times you two fuck. Still, that doesn’t stop him from sliding in with ease from the slick of your last orgasm. It easily coats his cock as he gives a few experimental thrusts. He groans in rapture. How do you manage to feel so good every time? It’s enough to drive him insane. Perhaps he already is. 

“So fucking perfect, no wonder why all those losers want you.” He mutters out the last part, and you’re not sure if you caught that right. 

“What?” He chooses not to respond, and you aren’t given the opportunity to think any further before your legs are thrown over his shoulders, Katsuki’s weight effectively pinning you in place. The stretch knocks all the wind out of your lungs, and all you can do is cling to Katsuki, nails leaving red, angry lines on his well-defined back.

He wastes no time before he starts drilling into you, hips slotting in between your legs perfectly. The position has him pressed against your clit, and your entire body feels like it’s been set ablaze, with Katsuki holding both the power to have it burn even brighter and the ability to extinguish it. And you’re almost there, you can feel your soul slowly ascending, your room filled with hymns of pleasure, the coil in your stomach winding tighter and tighter, threatening to unravel along with your sanity. Katsuki can feel it too— the way you’re squeezing him tighter, how your gasps and moans have climbed just a note higher, how absolutely ruined you look, how he’s responsible for your current state. Which is exactly why he wants to push it even further, he wants to see how much you’ll break for him— and only him. 

Katsuki cuts you off right before you can reach your peak, pulling out but making sure just his tip is inserted. You come to and take a look at your lover and marvel at the sight. He has a crazed look in his eyes. The way he smirks is absolutely wicked. 

You feel distraught— having been so close but having it ripped away from you. You give your boyfriend a petulant pout.

“Katsuki,” you whine, slapping a hand against his sweaty chest, “Why’d you stop? I was so close!”

“Because I didn’t want you to cum yet,” he says simply. “You’ll be good for me, yeah? I’ll give my baby what she deserves, as long as she’s good.” 

You roll your eyes, huffing. That won’t do for him.

As much as he loves seeing you indulge, he feels a need to punish you— at least a little bit to even begin to atone for being the wicked temptress you are. 

“Don’t be a fuckin’ brat,” Bakugo growls, gripping your face with one hand, squishing your cheeks, causing your lips to purse slightly. “I said be good, okay? Wanna take my time with you.” 

There’s a moment of respite, until you sigh in defeat, knowing better than to argue with him lest you wanted to dig your own grave. “‘Kay, ‘ki.”

He flashes you a smile. Obedient, just how he likes you. “Good girl.”

Katsuki draws his hips back, thrusting just enough to fuck his tip into you. He’s teasing. The amount of willpower on his end it takes not to cum is nauseating. 

“You’re so pretty, aren’t you?” he rasps, one hand finding their way around your neck, squeezing just enough to make your head spin. Your hands reflexively grab his wrist. 

All you can manage is a fucked out moan. Katsuki has to resist the urge to coo, about how he’s managed to turn you into a cockdrunk mess in such a short matter of time. The wave of possessiveness that’s been gnawing at the depths of his soul begins to seep out, and he’s reminded of the reason why the two of you are in this position in the first place. 

He gives your throat another squeeze and a rough slap to your clit. “C’mon princess, answer me. Say it.” He slowly adds more and more pressure until your ears grow hot and air feels like a precious commodity. 

“I-i’m pretty,” you manage to gasp out, tears spilling from your lash line as you begin to lose yourself between the space of pleasure and pain. 

Good. Always so pliant for him.

“That’s right, baby,” he concedes. “So fuckin’ beautiful.” He punctuates the last word with a deep thrust, right against that spongy spot that feels so good. You’re so sensitive that it’s enough to send you spiraling into your second orgasm, walls spasming around him uncontrollably. 

Katsuki stills, staving off his own release with all the restraint he can summon. He silently thanks whatever divine forces are out there that he didn’t cum the minute he felt the first clench of your orgasm. 

He grits his teeth as he wills himself to move, trying not to get lost in the wetness that envelops him. You’re babbling now, senseless moans filling Katsuki’s ears like a sweet melody. 

“Kats, please, I’m too sensitive—” You’re shaking now, muscles trembling with every thrust. 

“But I’m not done with you yet,” he says simply, drawing his hips back with a particularly rough thrust. You choke back whatever you were going to say with a loud cry. “What’s your color, baby?”

You take a moment to answer, brain trying to comprehend the words just uttered to you. You look at Katsuki firmly, “Green.”

“Atta girl,” he praises, the drive of his hips beginning to shallow. He’s close, and he doesn’t know how much longer he can hold out. But for you, he tries. “You’re mine, right?”

“Yes,” you breathe out, shivering as goosebumps dance across your skin. 

“Say it,” Katsuki pleads, thrusts growing sloppy by the second. “Say you’re mine.”

“I’m all yours, ‘ki.” 

With that, Katsuki’s fate is sealed. He’s left groaning as a flash of pleasure shakes his very soul, filling you up with so much cum that it dribbles onto the mattress even while he’s still inside you. You follow suit, an embarrassingly obscene rhythm of squelching noises fill the silence as you spasm around his dick. He collapses on top of you, but he’s still coherent enough to not dump all his weight on you. 

Your labored breaths fill the room as the two of you come to. Katsuki pulls out of you with a wince, still a bit sensitive. He gives you a peck on the lips before he drags himself down, settling in between your legs much like he was earlier. 

You tense up, “Kats, wait—”

Any and all protests cease the moment Bakugo works his tongue inside of you, slurping lewdly as he drags out the mixture of your cum and his, swallowing. He tries not to stimulate your puffy clit in an attempt to be merciful, but you still feel yourself steadily climbing to what would be your fourth orgasm this session. While the past three have been intense and drowning, this one comes to you in waves, dull pleasure invading your senses as Katsuki continues to eat you out to clean you up. 

He pulls away when you finish, your slick and his saliva coating his chin before he wipes it off on the back of his hand. You stare at his half-hard erection with a half concerned, half quizzical look. “Do you…” you lick your lips, “need help with that? I’m a little sensitive down there  but I could use my mout—”

“Nah, I’m good babe,” he says earnestly, flashing you a smile that he only ever shows around you. “I’ll be back.” With that, your boyfriend leaves the room only to come back with a bottle of water. 

“Drink.” You comply, finishing half the bottle graciously before handing it to him. He downs the rest before he settles next to you on the bed, laying on his side. You mirror him, shifting your body so that you’re both facing each other. 

Katsuki reaches out, finger idly tracing random shapes and lines onto the bare skin on your hip. He has a pensive look on his face, one that he usually doesn’t hold after stolen moments like this; it’s an expression he wears when he’s in deep thought. 

“Baby,” you call out. His eyes snap to yours, eyebrows raised.

“Yeah?”

“Whatcha thinking about?” You watch as a hesitant look flashes across your boyfriend’s face before he shakes his head.

“S’nothin’. Just thinkin’ about us two.” He speaks lightly. It’s always been difficult for him to voice his inner thoughts and feelings, so he tends to beat around the bush. You’ve learned that if you ever want something out of him, you’d have to pry a little. Katsuki always indulges you though. 

“What about us?”

“Do you- do you think you’ll ever get tired of this?” He repeats himself, clearing his throat. The question is followed by a weaker, “...of me?”

You think it’s the most ridiculous question he’s ever asked, because the answer should be obvious. “I’d never get tired of you, Katsuki. I love you so much.”

“I love you too,” he replies automatically, “but if I ever do anything that upsets you, or if I get too much for you, or if I—” he’s rambling now. Yes, it’s difficult for Katsuki to talk about his feelings, but once you manage to get him to open up, all the walls of his self-made fortress come crashing down and it’s up to you to pick up the pieces. 

“Baby,” you giggle, pressing a kiss to his lips, cupping his sharp jaw with one hand. “Look at me.” And he does— ruby eyes meeting yours. “I love you because you’re you. And I choose to be with you everyday. It’s not always gonna be perfect, no relationship is. But I know that I will always wake up and choose you.” 

You can see the anxiety melt away from Katsuki’s body, shoulders slumping as he lets out a breath he didn’t know he was holding. 

“Love you too, sap,” is all he says before he’s pulling you against his chest, squeezing you into a bearhug. You two stay that way until both of you are lulled to sleep. 

You’re laying in bed with Katsuki, both of you dozing off when you hear a slight buzz from your phone on the nightstand. You squint as you try to read the notification, and make out that it’s from your friend.

Denki Kaminari: So did it work?

You bite the inside of your cheek to stop yourself from laughing, giving a quick glance over your shoulder to check on your boyfriend— fast asleep. You turn back to your phone, your thumbs making quick work at your keyboard. 

You: Just like I said it would. Thanks Denki :)

Writing belongs to @ryukatters. Please do not share my work on Tiktok.

[missglaskin]

i feel like Otto would use Daemon and Rhaenyra’s secret wedding, mere days after their partners funerals, as the sole ammunition to have Rhaenyra disinherited and second-born!Reader named the Princess of Dragonstone after Otto reminds Viserys the sole reason Rhaenyra was chosen was to prevent Daemon from having the throne. and Alicent will begin planting the seeds of a doubt in Viserys mind that some may not want a the Reader on a throne because she’s adopted but if she married Aegon, the firstborn son, she wouldn’t be contested. that Aegon was better fitted as a consort anyways.

and the Velaryons have mixed feelings about the whole ordeal because Corlys really wanted his blood on the throne but Rhaenys believes the reader will be a much better ruler.

she’s kind of like the “peoples princess” if that makes sense. from a young age she began serving as the king’s cupbearer, allowing her the opportunity to watch the council work, and even there were times when she spoke up. advocating on behalf of the servants for better living conditions or pushing for repairs on the sewage system underneath the city.

not even Rhaenyra could deny that the reader would make a good queen but there’s some resentment directed to her father, angry he still won’t accept that she loves Daemon and there confusion as she watches Daemon wrap a beautiful necklace around the reader’s neck

I apologize for the long haitus, I wanted to return with something so here it is.

The plot just thickens

Before Daemon and Rhaenyra secret wedding, Alicent was already sowing seeds of doubt in Viserys's mind (the reader doesn't have any bastards, last she checked but even so it doesn’t count).And it would be a great irony if Viserys sent Otto away thinking he wanted Aegon to be king (which might be partially true), when in reality it’s the reader he desired to be in the throne. With Lyonel's death, and Rhaenyra's decision to move to Dragonstone with Laenor despite wanting to stay with her sister. Otto and Alicent are only given a better advantage to continue casting doubt on Rhaenyra. Rhaenyra and Daemon's marriage seals the deal, and soon after, they are summoned by a raven from King's Landing.

While the Velaryons may have mixed feelings, they are all in support of the reader in being the chosen heir. It’s Rhaenys who encourages Corlys’ decision to swear his fealty to her. It doesn’t help that Rhaenys believes Rhaenyra and Daemon are the cause for her son’s death and them marrying right after Laena’s death only adds salt to the wound. Rhaenys genuinely believes the reader will be a much better ruler. 

When the reader is named heir, there is one final step for both Alicent and Otto to ensure her position (or as they like to say). So it comes as little surprise when the reader is revealed to be wed to Aegon. She already has gained a great deal of knowledge regarding politics throughout the years she was compelled to relocate to accommodate the entire family, from Driftmark to King's Landing to Dragonstone. Alicent and Otto took a step further in letting the reader act as the king's cupbearer, and Viserys naturally agreed. Unlike Rhaenyra who felt undermined in the council, the reader isn't cut off when advocating for herself, rather, she's backed by the green council. 

As you mentioned, she has earned the title of the "people's princess” through her charity, her advocacy for improved living conditions for the castle's servants as well insistence on repairing the sewage systems and for better roads. Tales abound in the city about the princess who visits orphanages, escorted, of course, by the finest knights, among them Ser Criston Cole. With all of that, simply wedding the reader to Aegon, already wins him favor at king's landing, besides, it's evident to the court that it's the reader who holds all the power.

It's an internal struggle for Rhaenyra; she feels waves of resentment and anger, sometimes aimed at her father and other times at the reader. But, she can never take the reader's actions personally, not after she offers Rhaenyra dragonstone or when she vows to make her the hand when she ascends the iron throne. So how can she ever be genuinely upset at her beloved sister whom she also thinks would make a wonderful queen?

And for Daemon, whom she observes draping a beautiful necklace—akin to the one he gave her years ago—around her sister's neck. She observes as her ever naive sister turns to face him, beaming as thanks him for the gift.

And for Daemon who she watches wrapping a beautiful necklace around her sister’s neck, similar to the one he gifted her a long time ago. She watches as her sister turns to him, beaming and thanking him for the gift, her sister so naive and innocent. But it won’t be long before Viserys catches wind of it, and if not him, Otto and Alicent will and this is the last thing they ever wish to happen. For they know, no matter how many times they Banish Daemon, he will always find his way to return to your side.

[melrodrigo]

When The Night Falls - W.A.

Wednesday Addams x Fem!Reader

Summary: Wednesday isn’t soft. But when it comes to a certain someone…

Warnings: Angsty fluffy crap mixed together, mentions of cheating

Word Count: 1.1k

A/N: HA! You guys thought I would do something from the poll? I’m an uncontrollable creature. Also, this is semi inspired by ‘reckless’ by madison beer.

Wednesday Addams was not soft. In fact, that was the last word she would ever use to describe herself.

But today, when she had swung open her door, ready to give whoever woke her up at 2 a.m. hell; she was surprised to find out she felt a little bad after seeing your crying figure.

“Wednesday?” You sniffle, swiping at your eyes desperately in an attempt to look somewhat presentable.

The raven-haired girl stares at you blankly, refusing to give away any of the emotions she was feeling.

Eyes all red and puffy, nose tinted pink; she hated to admit it, you look cute.

The thing was, for the past few weeks, Wednesday’s been feeling weird around you.

At first, she thought that maybe you were using your powers to cast a poisonous spell on her. But on further inspection, she realized you were casting a spell on her, just a very different one from what she expected.

It’s a peculiar feeling, having feelings for someone.

She doesn’t think she’s ever really experienced all that “crush” or “love at first sight” nonsense Enid keeps gushing about.

But right now, with you standing in front of her, she thinks she finally feels those funeral flowers budding all throughout her chest, wrapping itself tight around her heart.

“Do you mind if I come in?” You ask timidly.

Wednesday steps back without a second thought, still staring hard as you walk in. She’s suddenly struck with the realization that you came to her first, out of everyone in the whole school, even her bubbly roommate. It makes her heart sing.

You and Enid had a thing going on. The whole school knew that. You weren’t exactly together, but the look on your face when you talked about Enid was enough for Wednesday to keep her mouth shut about her feelings.

But she came to me, Wednesday thinks.

She walks towards you, tapping you softly on the shoulder.

You whirl, and immediately throw yourself at her, letting your whole body engulf hers.

You hear Wednesday let out a quiet gasp and it makes you giggle a little.

You know she’s not uncomfortable, and you know the tap was an invitation or at least an allowance for you to touch her. You have a bit of a reputation for being the only person Wednesday was willing to let hug her, apart from Enid.

Days spent with Enid usually meant days spent with Wednesday, and by now, you were fluent in the language of her.

“What happened so suddenly that you felt the need to wake me in the middle of the night?” She finally asks, failing to sound sympathetic.

She doesn’t expect it to sound mean, and you know that, so you pay her tone no mind.

“I found Enid w-with Ajax.” You tell her, voice cracking at the end of your sentence, tears welling at the corners of your eye.

Wednesday wasn’t an idiot. She knows what “finding them together” means, and despite all her fondness for the young blonde, she can’t help the anger that stirs in her immediately.

Here you were, crying and troubled over her stupid roommate (crying very prettily might she add), and what, Enid was with Ajax? Of all people?

“I’m sorry to hear that, Y/N. I know how much you adored Enid.” She murmurs, ignoring the instant tugging in her heart at the sight of you wide-eyed and looking up at her.

To her surprise, you giggle a little, and it sends shockwaves through your and her own body.

You reach up gingerly, pausing long enough for Wednesday to refuse your touch if she wants to, but the goth girl stays quiet, and so you brush away some of the bangs that are covering her face.

“It’s okay.” You whisper, staring at her eyes and then her lips. “To be honest with you, that’s not even the whole reason I was crying.”

“Why were you crying then?” She inquires, and you notice her hands flexing at her side.

“I think…I might like someone else. And I was kind of upset, because- I thought Enid really liked me. But I guess not, so it all works out doesn’t it?” You laugh dryly.

Wednesday’s eyes widen at your confession, suddenly feeling squirmish underneath your gaze. Her whole body freezes, and her mouth feels dry.

It would work out if I was your partner, she thinks.

“Relax, Wends.” You murmur, placing your head back down to her chest. Your words seem to calm her down a little.

“It’s funny, I don’t like her anymore, but when she gets with someone else, I get sad. How messed up of me is that?” You tilt your head up, watching Wednesday gulp once before speaking.

“It is a stupid thing to feel.” Is what she answers, racking her brain to think of something better to say.

You hum, and everything goes quiet for a while. You feel safe, in Wednesday’s arms, in her bed, and you don’t care if Enid comes back to the dorm and sees this.

Before you know it, you’re drifting off into some walmart heaven- the smell of Wednesday encompassing you and the softness of her skin pressing against you.

“YN?” She whispers, stirring you from your so-close-to-sleep state.

You hum in question.

“Now that you aren’t interested in Enid, are you interested in anyone?” She asks, trying her best to not sound too interested in what you have to say.

You smile soft, the drowsiness making your critical thinking skills all mushy.

“Yeah, I told you that already.” You tell her and promptly snuggle yourself further into the girl.

When Wednesday finally gathers up the courage to ask you who it is, you’re fast asleep, snoring quietly on her.

-

The next morning, when you wake up alone, feeling the most well-rested you’ve felt in a long time, you barely notice the dark colors of the bedsheets.

It takes you a minute, but you prop yourself up on your elbow, trying to figure out where the hell you are.

But as the events of the night prior come back to you, you find yourself grinning.

“Stop smiling like that. You look weird.” Wednesday quips, and your eyes dart to where she is, hunched over by her typewriter. There’s a glint in her eye that tells you she’s joking.

You flash her another toothy grin, surprised when she sends you a tiny smile back. And then, as if she’s just gotten shy, she turns back to her typewriter and ignores your teasing remarks.

You sigh dramatically and flop back onto her bed.

“I’m gonna sleep here from now on!” You announce.

You take her silence as a quiet acceptance.

[v3suvia]

On Diomedes of Argos.

Typically, when people think about their favorite heroes of the Trojan siege, they think of the likes of Achilles, or Odysseus, or even Agamemnon (or if you’re based, Hector.) And while these are all valid to whatever extent— because let’s be real, no one is choosing favorites based on who has the purest moral standpoint— they’re not exactly remembered for the noblest of reasons.

Achilles spends half of the Iliad inside his tent as a sulky burrito, and the other half slaughtering Trojans and crying over the consequences of his own actions. Odysseus is a chronic liar, and Agamemnon is Agamemnon. But at the end of the day, they’re still remembered (for better or for worse, really.)

Though, on the topic of Homeric heroes, I feel there is one who is often overlooked despite achieving great feats over the course of the epic; Diomedes of Argos. (Note: arguably the most metal of the Achaean heroes at Troy.) So, let’s rant talk about him!

Diomedes was one of the key players in Homer’s Iliad— a recount of the last year of the Trojan siege. Being summoned to fight under oath, Diomedes headed his fleet of 80 ships to Ilium. As well as having a whole chapter dedicated to how kickass he was [read more about that whole thing here], the king of Argos was also a master strategist, and extremely noble— not just in his war efforts.

For example, there are multiple points in the Iliad where he checks the leader of the Trojan expedition, Agamemnon, calling him out on his cowardice or for otherwise being an inadequate leader, [Book 9; ‘Agamemnon, I will begin by taking issue with you over your proposal… do you really believe the Greeks are the cowards and weaklings you say they are? If you for one, have set your heart on getting away, then go.’] [‘Zeus has granted you many things… He gave you the sceptre of power and the honour that comes with it, but he did not give you courage— and courage is the secret of authority.]

And one instance where he truces with the Trojan hero, Glaucus— both of them exchanging armors (on an active battlefield, btw) to honor the fact that their grandfathers had been allies, [Book 6; ‘So let us avoid each other’s spears... And let us exchange our armor so that everyone will know our grandfather’s friendship has made friends of us.’]

He is also one of the only soldiers in the war who avoids committing hubris in the entire epic, which is probably the most telling of all his virtuous traits.

Diomedes also has a proverb named after him! ‘Diomedean Necessity/Diomedean Compulsion', which basically means when someone does something for the greater good (despite the reluctance of the person in question.)

This is taken from the myth of Odysseus and Diomedes taking the wooden statue of Athena— dubbed the Palladium— from Ilium. During this heist, Odysseus tries to stab Diomedes in the back to steal the acclaim of taking the Palladium for himself.

Rather than punishing Odysseus on account of betraying his ally for personal gain, Diomedes ties him up and drags him back to camp instead, because he knew the Greeks couldn’t win the war without Odysseus’ wisdom.

Anyway, why the rant? Sure, I could sit here and convince you that he’s the coolest Greek hero, but what would I be trying to accomplish in doing so? Well, it’s simply because while every other Homeric hero is recognized and represented in modern media, Diomedes isn’t.

He wasn’t even mentioned once in Troy (2004), the film adaptation of the Iliad! Despite him being the focus of multiple chapters in the book, as well as playing a big role in the Achaean army’s over-all victory.

I’m sick of everyone (and by that, I mean most modern media) depicting him as though he was just some dude™ in the Iliad when he was actually (from a mildly biased standpoint) one of the best of the Achaeans at Troy.

TLDR; Diomedes of Argos = Based. He solos ur favs (probably. He almost killed Ajax the greater at Patroclus’ funeral games 💀)Put him in more movies/shows/games so me and the other two Diomedes fans can be happy.

[ninzied]

weeds

based on the prompt: a kiss on a falling tear. brownstone/bonus chapter era. 600 word ficlet.

Henry has been surrounded by flowers all his life.

Flowers in every hallway and room. Atop every table and flanking every door that led to yet more hallways, yet more rooms. Flowers that were fussed over, flowers that were arranged to perfection despite being replaced at least once a day. Flowers in the palace gardens where Henry used to escape as a child, wishing the mazes could swallow him whole.

Flowers at the funeral.

Flowers at the royal wedding, when his life jump-started again.

And now, flowers in the brownstone that Alex has just moved into with him. They’re daisies in an assortment of colors. Nothing extraordinary, though they would’ve turned heads at the palace for that very reason alone. Henry’s pretty sure they’re classified as weeds, technically speaking.

He’s never seen anything more beautiful in his life.

That is, apart from the man who’s just brought them home on a whim, who’s now calling to Henry over his shoulder, “Babe, do you think these would look good in a mug?”

Henry thinks he would love them anywhere. Everywhere. Wherever he can. This little life he’s building with Alex is the brightest, fullest, most incredible thing, and he will not take a single bit of it for granted.

.

They go to the MoMA. It’s the first touristy thing that they’ve done since moving in together. And, Henry realizes, watching Alex tear through his wardrobe looking for the perfect cover, it’s one of the first museums he’ll have been to during normal daylight hours.

Alex gleefully poses Henry in all the various hats that he owns. He makes a grave miscalculation when it comes to his black Stetson, which delays their leaving the house by many, many hours. Alex finally comes to the breathless conclusion that it would draw too much attention if Henry were to wear it outside.

(“Mm,” says Henry, still catching his breath back himself. “You can’t possibly mean from you, of course.”

“Definitely not,” Alex agrees, already moving to kiss him again.)

They walk hand-in-hand through the museum sometime even later, in baseball caps and soft t-shirts, and Henry can’t believe this gets to be his life now. They let themselves be jostled along with the crowds, Angus up ahead of them. He needn’t be; no one so much as looks at them twice.

Eventually, they wander their way up to the fifth level. They step into a room where Henry finds himself once again surrounded by flowers.

The largest painting occupies three panels, spanning a significant length of the room. Gran has taken great pride in the royal collection over the years, pieces the family could access in private whenever they so pleased. But there’s something about standing here, with Alex. Just two people, being in love while looking at art. Like it’s something extraordinary, this beautifully ordinary thing they can do.

“Huh,” Alex murmurs, reading the placard. “Took him twelve years to paint this.” He squeezes Henry’s hand, then adds almost offhandedly: “I think that’s about how long it took after seeing you in J14 for the first time. Getting to finally kiss you, I mean.”

Henry looks at Alex with a feeling much too big for words. He smiles, his chest aching with it. The feeling wells up, touching the edges of his vision until he sees in watercolor. “Darling,” he says. “Are you comparing our love story to a Monet?”

“Please.” Alex looks affronted. “This guy’s got nothing on us.”

It’s blasphemous, surely. But as Alex leans in, kissing away a tear on his cheek, Henry thinks he’s secretly rather inclined to agree.

also on ao3.

[ecargmura]

Wind Breaker Episode 10 Review - Yesterday's Enemies Are Today's Friends

Did you know that only three days have passed in-universe? Episode 1 was a whole day. Episodes 2-4 are the second day and Episodes 5-10 are the third day. Crazy, right? It’s also crazy to have a picnic with your enemies, right? Well, that’s what Umemiya decrees, so it must happen. It’s like that quote, “Yesterday’s enemies could be today’s friends.” Come to think of it, that quote is heavily applied here! Bofurin and Shishitoren are now on good terms with each other!

The picnic scene with Bofurin, Togame and Choji was nice. I guess my only little gripe was that only Togame and Choji were present and not Sako, Arima and Kanuma. I guess it’s a bit more meaningful if the two tops were there and not minions. It was still a missed opportunity for the anime to add the other three, honestly. Anyways, I do like Umemiya’s philosophy on what it means to be the top of a gang. He equates it to eating. He loves eating and wants to be with people as he eats. Having people gathering around him while he eats is the same as being the top of the gang. He gets to do something he likes and do it with others. He’s here because he has people he can count on and people who look up to him. Being the top wasn’t a solo effort, but a team one. It’s a good lesson for Choji as he once had people whom he could count on but chose to leave behind. It’s also a good lesson for Sakura who has always been alone and doesn’t understand what it means to not be alone. It’s a good growing experience for him. 

The scene with Bofurin hanging out at Cafe Pothos was also a nice scene too. Umemiya wanted to know if Sakura was able to convey his words to Togame. However, Sakura never heard a voice or anything. It turns out that Sakura took his words literally instead of figuratively. What Umemiya was trying to get at was for Sakura to feel something for his opponents. I believe it worked because Sakura did try to punch Choji when he kicked Togame. I do believe Togame is the first time he connected with someone through his fists, hence why their bond is rather unique. He’s the reason why Togame was able to make amends with Choji and Shishitoren and deal with that comes after together. No matter how much Sakura denies it, he does like Togame which was why he was very fervent on wanting him to become a cool guy.

Other than the good scenes with Bofurin, I also liked the parts with Choji and Togame. The part where they were prostrating and Sakura scolding them was so cute. However, my favorite part was when the two were sharing anpan together. When Choji was laughing and enjoying the taste of squished anpan, the scene moved Togame so much that he lied about the rain when it was bright and sunny. It reminded me a lot of the scene in Fullmetal Alchemist Brotherhood where Roy cried at Hughes’s funeral and lied to Hawkeye about the rain. Since the anime, Togame has become one of my favorite characters and to see him cry over the fact that his sun has returned got me emotional. I’m so happy for you, Togame.

However, the best part of the episode was Sakura spitting out his coffee at Umemiya and him actually reacting poorly to the coffee in his eyes. That part was the needed comedy in an emotionally heartwarming episode. Then, the part where Sugishita was threatening to throw a chair at Sakura was also hilarious. I’m surprised he hasn’t been banned from Cafe Pothos yet.

Good news for Wind Breaker fans, there are thirteen episodes, which means that there are three episodes left. As a manga reader, I think there’s enough room to have a good conclusion for the first season. Who knows if a second season will be announced? I sure hope it does because next week is definitely the debut of Tsugeura and Kiryu who are also important characters, but it’d suck if they only get minimal screen time despite having high quality voice actors. What are your thoughts on this episode?

[dlanadhz]

Last Twilight Ending Reaction

As someone who can't see without a strong prescription, I really felt connected to Day's struggle. How his vision was shown is like mine but with that extra level of fuzzy. I can't see further than a palm's distance either. The longer the show went on, the more I noticed myself in the way Day did certain things - like leaning in way too close to see things and patting his hand around to find an item he knows is around there somewhere.

Obviously Day was worse than me. I put on my glasses every morning and go about my day. I don't need a caretaker. But without my glasses, we are so similar.

So I spent a good portion of the show wondering why the heck Day didn't get glasses for the time he was waiting on a potential surgery. They never explained that glasses wouldn't work for him, so it seems like a logical step to try.

Because of this, and because corrective eye surgery is actually so common, I walked into this show on day 1 fully ready to accept an ending where Day got his eye surgery and was able to see again.

We spent 12 episodes following Day's journey of learning to accept himself as he was, disability or not. He learned how to love his life, how to care more about the people around him, how to appreciate the things around him - not just what he could see. He gained a new understanding of who he was and what he needed to be happy.

Episode 12 has whole speeches about how going blind is the only reason Day knows how to be happy and what he truly wants out of life. This a beautiful message that we got throughout the whole series. He was loved when he was blind. He was loved when it seemed he would stay that way forever. He accepted himself and loved himself. And he was still loved when he got his sight back. He became a better person.

So to come online and see the absolute vitriol being thrown around like somehow this ending ruins the entire series, like somehow him getting a very realistic eye surgery to correct damage done in an accident erases all the character growth and the message of loving yourself, finding people who love you regardless of illness or disability, and appreciating the world around you....

It's really ruining the show for me. Day's surgery didn't do that. The fans are doing that.

Day getting his sight back does not erase his experience as a blind person. Just like a cast and pt doesn't erase your experience with a broken leg. Just like time and healing doesn't erase your experience with traumatic brain injuries. Just like getting a prosthetic doesn't erase the experience of losing a limb.

Like, damn. Someone get me some eye surgery pronto. It still won't change the last 27 years of my life.

And to suggest that bad things should happen to the director for such a choice is a really terrible thing to do.

When I saw Day looking at Mhok while they knelt by Rung's grave, I felt overwhelmed with emotion, because Day has been wanting to see clearly for so long and here he was, staring lovingly at his boyfriend - the boyfriend who chose to be with him despite everything. I thought it was beautiful.

And all these haters are really making it hard to even search for gifs. I wanted to roll around in the joy and emotion of the episode, but there are too many people treating it like a god damned funeral protest.

[n0v4t33z]

The Syndicate - Chapter 5 : A last goodbye?

Pairings: Choi San X Female Reader, Park Seonghwa X Female Reader, Ateez X Female Reader

Genre: Lots of angst, Romance, Crime Fiction, Psychological Drama

Word Count: 6.7k

Tags/Warnings: For Mature Audiences, Language, Graphic Violence, Mentions of Illegal activities (i.e Kidnapping, extortion, assassination etc.), y/n gets roughed up by Wooyoung like twice , Slow Burn, Fluff sometimes, Work In Progress, Non-Idol AU, Mafia AU, Very suggestive at times, y/n cries alot, y/n having inner turmoil, Ateez being bad boys, Wooyoung and Yeosang are a little mean in this story tbh, Guns, Gunshot wounds, Assassination attempt(s), mentions death and acts of violence

MINORS DO NOT INTERACT!!

Spotify Playlist🎵 | Series Masterlist📝

‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆. ✧˚₊‧⋆‧‧⋆ ✧˚₊‧⋆.

It’s been about a week since the police discovered my “body”, so a change in hair color and style completely shedding everything from past me thus turning me into Someone whom I don’t fully recognize anymore. I just didn't realize how weird that was going to be. From the start I decided I wanted to attend my funeral and see my family and friends one last time and today was the day but of course I wasn’t allowed to attend by myself. San for obvious reasons wasn’t going to be the one going with me since his face is already widely known by the police. A mafia kingpin attending a police funeral was out of the question and dangerous so Seonghwa volunteered to come with me since he’s not in any of the federal databases. Not to mention the funeral will be a public one so many civilians of Ulwood and Lulens along with others from the surrounding towns will be visiting so we have a very low chance of being discovered.

While I look at myself one last time in the mirror, I make sure that nothing appearance wise was out of place. My once dark makeup has now been replaced with a more sophisticated and more glamour take on it, a tight form fitting black dress and a black trench coat over the whole ensemble with some black Mary Jane high heels to tie it all together. Definitely not something I would have normally worn but none the less it's cute at least. I stare at my freshly dyed and styled hair making me realize that seeing myself in the mirror is so haunting. I get the chills to the point it makes me feel physically sick. Internally I’m not ready to let go but on the outside I look like a completely different person now meaning I kind of have to. For my family's sake at least. I don’t look like y/n anymore so there’s no reason to hang on to my old identity. It hurts even more knowing that I’m going to have to live like this for the rest of my life all because of one selfish person. I wish I could stop feeling because maybe, just maybe it’ll make everything much more tolerable or who knows maybe i'll just grow to live with it. A knock at the door startles me, and shortly after when the door is opened I realize it’s San. He holds my hand and gently places a kiss on it looking deeply into my eyes. “You look stunning angel eyes, Seonghwa says everything is ready to go but please do me a favor and stay close to him and be careful.” I nod and tightly hug him “I really wish you could go with me.” He wraps his arms around me and kisses my shoulder “I know baby, but you know why I can’t.” I sigh burying my face in his neck, his hand immediately rests on the back of my head for a bit until he pulls back and gives me a pained smile “I promise when you come back I’ll be here okay?” I bite the inside of my lip and nod. San leads me out of my room and helps me make my way outside holding my hand down the stairs.

Immediately upon stepping foot outside I see it’s very downcast, how fitting. Shitty weather for a shitty day. Either way I decide to put on some sunglasses realizing my eyes are probably not going to be open unless I’m wearing them since despite it being cloudy and a bit rainy it was oddly bright out. After San helps me make my way into to the car where Seonghwa was waiting, he looks over at me and chuckles “Wow, you really do look like a different person now but, in a good way.” I force a smile and say under my breath “Yep, now to keep up the act. If anyone asks I’m Lola, one of y/n’s friends and you’re my boyfriend. Got it?” He turns on the ignition and he turns to me with a slight grin on his face “Okay, got it. Luckily we somewhat match.” I look over and notice Seonghwa wearing a simple black dress shirt and black tailored dress up pants with a black wool overcoat, his undercut slightly styled for a more dressed up look. I bite the inside of my lip and stifle a laugh. “Well I mean of course it’s a funeral Hwa.” He turns away hiding his smile. "Right, my mistake darling."

Once we arrive it was raining, but not very hard to where we needed an umbrella. Just in case Seonghwa takes the umbrella in the glove box. He gives me a very faint smile and offers me his free arm “Ready?” I nod and link my arm with his, while walking to the ceremony site I notice a lot of familiar faces, some being the commissioner of the Ulwood police, Detective Chris, my family, and Captain Lee just to name a few. The ceremony begins and Seonghwa gently nudges me and leans in and whispers “If you need to cry, do it. It will give you closure.” I nod and I stand there watching my own funeral. For a few minutes I can’t wrap my head around what I’m watching until I see my own mother and father cry over their own daughter’s death. I don’t know why but it broke something in me, I felt it. I tighten my grip around Seonghwa’s arm while I swallow hard to try and get rid of the huge knot in my throat. Seonghwa looks over at me and has my head rest on the side of his arm. It isn’t until I notice my former partner Chris who was there comforting my mother while my father stood there with a very empty look in his eyes that my vision slowly blurs and I silently begin to cry. I hug Seonghwa’s arm tightly and he pulls me into a hug gently patting my head. Never again after this will I see my family and the people I care about, I can’t even give them a proper goodbye. My heart hurts for my family and friends, the fucking balls that old geezer has to even show his face here. This wouldn’t have happened if it wasn’t for him. Once the commissioner makes an opening speech Captain Lee stands close by the commissioner where he calls him up to the podium. Before anything he briefly looks around to the attendees before speaking. “Detective y/n/ln was a one of a kind subordinate, she worked hard and was great at her job. To her being a detective wasn’t just a job, it was in her blood to serve and protect the community she loved and grew up in. Sadly she was taken from us too soon and she will be dearly missed. I promise we will bring justice to her and her memory, just how she brought justice to many people in her community. I, Captain Steven Lee will make sure those people pay.” I clench my fists in my pockets.

Seeing that man lie through his teeth makes my insides churn, and if it wasn’t for all these people I would have risked it all to kill this dirty old man already. A few moments after Captain Lee finishes his speech Detective Chris takes the stand and unfolds a piece of paper presumably his speech “Well, I never thought I’d be having to stand here recalling memories of how great my partner Detective y/ln was but here we are, the sad reality of it.” Chris stops for a moment, takes a deep breath and continues. “She was someone you could really count on, the amount of times she saved me from getting in trouble was pretty comical. She was also very hardworking and was determined to always solve the case she was working on because in her own words she “Wanted to bring peace to the victims and family.” She was also the kindest person I knew, so much so that she always bought me coffee every morning just to help me wake up because of my tendency to stay up working. Me and her were a dynamic duo, the best partner anyone could ask for but at the same time she was a prodigy in the making in her own line of work. So to you y/ln, I hope you’re doing alright. I’ll finish what you started and will always be a great inspiration to me.” Chris’ gaze lowers, his eyes looking very sleepless and tired. He folds up the piece of paper and walks over to retrieve my parents. He helps adjust the microphone for my mother and stands next to her in case my parents needed help. She then says in the most broken tone of voice I've ever heard my mom speak in “Burying one’s child is a mother’s worst nightmare, but the way my daughter was killed was a very violent and horrible death. My only wish is for those people to be caught and bring my daughter the justice she deserves.”

Hearing my mother’s broken voice causes tears to begin running down my cheeks again, seeing those eyes of sadness. “My daughter was the sweetest girl you’d ever meet, so caring and loving. I’m proud to say that I’m her mother because she was so talented at catching the bad people out there, she was committed in blood, sweat and tears to helping people because it was something she really loved. She was a very kind soul. Sweetheart…” Her voice trails off and both my dad and Chris gently hold and pats her back. “Sweetheart, my little y/n I hope you’re in a better place. You know mom, dad and everyone close to you loves you so much. Especially me and your dad, we love you so much and we very much miss you everyday that you’ve been gone, I love you so much my little angel and may you be in peace my beautiful little girl.” Right after finishing her speech my mom begins to cry, while my teary eyed father and Chris help walk my mom off the stand. I heard the pain in her cries, she was hurt. Who could blame her, she thinks I’m dead. Almost like if it was on queue a low rumble of thunder echoes and the rain begins to fall heavily. I turn to Seonghwa and in a very hushed tone I say “Let’s go.” I turn around with a huge knot in my throat and begin to walk away as fast as my legs could take me not caring how the heeled part of my shoes sunk into the already muddy ground. Eventually when he catches up to me after I've come to a hard halt, and in one swift motion he puts the umbrella over me. One of my aunts looks over to Seonghwa and I slowly approaching us

"Hi sweetheart I don't want to be a bother but I swear you look familiar, I don't think I've ever seen you before though." My stomach drops and I gently squeeze Seonghwa's arm while a small smile forms on my lips "I'm very certain we've never met before ma'am I'm one of y/n's closest friends. My name is Lola and this is my boyfriend." Seonghwa extends his hand and shakes my aunt's hand and says "I'm Jun, another close friend of y/n, It's very nice meeting you ma'am." My aunt reaches over to shake Seonghwa's hand and while reaching over to hold mine she says "Wow, looking at you closely you look and sound kind of like her too but I think it's just my head playing tricks on me. It still just hasn't dawned on me her she's gone. None of this feels real." I nod then I rest my other hand over hers gently squeezing it and not letting go. Something inside me isn’t letting me let go. "Yes, few people have commented we looked alike pretty frequently and even called us sisters but in all honesty we're polar opposites. She was always way funnier that's for sure but I see where you're coming from because me and Jun miss her so much, right babe?" I look back at Seonghwa and he nods and says in a somber tone "Yes we do miss her alot, she loved coming over to our place and have dinner with us since she lived alone." My aunt smiles "I'm glad she had some very sweet friends who looked out for her and helped her feel less alone. She always did tell me she felt lonely." She looks over where the gathering was being held and says "Well I'll let you guys go now, it was nice meeting you two, please take care." I wave goodbye in fear of her hearing my voice break and under my breath with the smallest whisper I respond "You too, please take care."

I don’t even make it inside the car before I remove my sunglasses and I break down, my legs giving out from under me causing me to kneel holding onto the side of the car. Seonghwa gives me a look of worry and kneels over to my side making sure he's covering the both of us under the umbrella and he holds me tight. He stays quiet for a while listing to my sobs then he lets out a sigh “I’m so sorry y/n. I can’t imagine how you feel, it must be the worst pain imaginable.” He helps me up while I bury my face in his chest unable to keep it together “Hwa...It hurts. I can’t live with myself knowing I’ve inflicted so much pain. I can’t do it. I can't live with this for the rest of my life.” I hold the fabric of his wool jacket tightly. I feel him rest his chin on top of my head while clearing the stray hairs away from my face. He slightly lowers his face down to my ear and with a voice low enough so that only I could hear him he gently rests his forehead on the side of my head “Please don’t say that, I know it hurts but just remember they’ll be okay. The pain they’re feeling now is only temporary. Think about it this way, he can’t threaten you with anything because he thinks you’re dead. I promise you we’re all going to help you, San is going to help you. You both have the same goal and it’s to get rid this guy, you’ve got the upper hand now he’ll be gone much sooner than originally planned.” He gently pats my head and steps back gently wiping away the tears under my eyes. I look up at him still teary eyed and bottom lip still slightly trembling “Thank you for being the brother I never had Hwa.” He furrows his eyebrows and gives me a melancholy expression clearly forcing a smile “Of course, I’ve grown to care a lot about you so It hurts to see you hurting like this.” He breaks eye contact causing us to both look around and realize the ceremony was about to end so he turns back to me and softly says “Come on let’s go, you need some rest. You’re probably exhausted.”

When we arrive back at the headquarters I kick off my shoes immediately upon stepping into my room, I remove my coat and wrap myself under my covers and lay there not really caring that my dress and legs are still slightly wet from the funeral. I lay there crying to the point my eyes could no longer cry feeling completely numb for what felt like hours, it wasn’t until there was a knock at my door. I decide not to answer from the lack of energy I had left in me. Suddenly the door opens and it was San, he walks in and quietly closes the door behind him. He glances at me and notices I’m awake and sits next to me. “Hey, how are you doing? Seonghwa told me what happened, I’m so sorry I wasn’t there to comfort you. ” He gently strokes my hair and continues “Look at you, I can’t stand seeing you like this, I’ll stay here for as long as you need me.” I shake my head and finally gather up the strength to say in a low voice “Just go. Just leave me here, I don’t have the energy to talk to anyone.” He gently strokes my cheek with his thumb and says “We don’t have to talk, I can just sit here and give you company. You’re in a really delicate state right now and I can’t just leave you to dwell in your own thoughts like that. I know how dark it can get.” I lay there staring at the ground with an expressionless gaze, San lays down behind me and turns me around so that my head is comfortably resting on his chest. His scent being something that’s become a thing of comfort, something to help remind me that I’m not alone. Sadly at the moment, my emotions aren’t registering it at all and I lay there completely still with my brain constantly replaying everything again from the way my mother cried and my dad’s empty gaze to Chris’ sleepless and exhausted look in his eyes. I don't think any of that is going to leave me anytime soon. San presses his lips on my shoulder from behind me “What am I going to do now?” he hums in response and I continue "After all this is over, will I have to start over or am I going to have to come clean to my family?” San rests his chin on my shoulder “Well, I think that’s your call babe. It all depends on what you feel is right. I think when the moment comes you'll figure it out.” Well that didn’t help. Maybe I should just wait until it happens, maybe things will change for the better. I turn in San’s direction and gently stroke his cheek with my thumb. “You’re right, I guess I just need a little more time to think about it.” He smiles and kisses my forehead showing me his dimpled smile.

“Don't think about it too much right now. How about we just relax and get your mind off of it." San clears my hair from my face and lovingly looks into my eyes and leans in to place his lips onto mine while holding onto my face. His free hand slowly roams around my body before settling on my lower back. He slowly kisses down to my neck gently leaving a soft trail of kisses. "I can make you feel good baby." His hand gently squeezes my thigh and bites my neck causing me to let out a soft sigh. I can't do this, it doesn't feel right. I'm supposed to be mourning, or at least for tonight. It'll be so wrong of me to give in to temptation under this circumstance. Before he's able to kiss me any lower I pull away "Wait no, San. Stop." He worriedly furrows his eyebrows and responds slightly out of breath from working himself up "y/n? Is everything okay?" I gently cup my hands onto his face "Please let's not do this.. I-I can't right now. It doesn't feel right. I know you wanted to help me forget but I can't right now. " He gives me a soft dimpled smile "Of course princess. I won't force you to do anything you don't want to. I'm so sorry I even tried something like that it was very disrespectful of me." Wow, he apologized and accepted the boundaries I set? Any other guy would have definitely gotten upset about that. "It's just, it's not the right time right now." He kisses my forehead and pulls me closer to him "I understand angel eyes you don't need to apologize, just close your eyes baby. I'll stay here with you." He really is very convincing at being someone's boyfriend, I just can't help but to think how nice it would have been if we were both just regular people. If maybe I still wasn't so scared of him. Maybe I can dream about it without it breaking my heart because in all honesty I can only imagine how he'd feel knowing I still struggle to see the "real" San despite how kind he's been. I close my eyes slowly drifting off to sleep while he gently strokes my hair.

Eventually my thoughts put me to sleep till the next morning, San was sleeping next to me only to realize my makeup wasn’t on anymore. Did he actually remove my makeup while I was asleep? If so, that was very thoughtful of him. I get up and walk into the shower and just stand there with a blank mind until I find the strength to finish showering. As much as I want to stay in bed and mope around and just dwell in my sadness I can’t, and I won’t rest until that man has paid his debts. I know I'm pretty weak minded in things like love but for sure not when it comes to getting people back. Once I’m done I slowly open the door to the bathroom, careful not to wake San up from his sleep. I tippy toe back into the bed and cuddle with him for a few minutes, he realizes my soapy scent and buries his face on the crook of my neck clearly very comfortable until I very delicately and gently stroke his hair and kiss his cheek “Sannie, time to wake up.” I hear a pouty groan escape his lips and says under his breath “5 more minutes.” I gently kiss his cheek and I say “Sannie please?” He sleepily looks up at me, gives me a small smile and pulls me into a soft kiss and says “Well, good morning angel eyes.” I smile and I say “Good morning.” San gently cups his hand on my cheek and gently rubs my cheek with his thumb giving me a dimpled smile “Your smile, it came back.” I nod and look at San reassuringly “Well, as much as I don’t have the strength for anything and I wish I could lay here and do nothing but be sad and cry. It’s not going to fix anything.” San sits up and sighs. “That was me when I lost my father, I felt exactly that same way. So, I know where you’re coming from. I know you didn’t exactly lose anyone to death but the fact that you won’t be seeing them again kind of counts as one.” I nod silently and feel San’s arms wrap around me and says “Again, I’m sorry I wasn’t there but knowing Seonghwa was there to comfort you makes me feel a little better. Although I’m jealous because he’s not recognized at all meanwhile the whole police department knows who I am and what I look like. I hate to think that at one point I didn’t think it even mattered, I just wanted to be feared. But now it hurts knowing that for being so easily recognizable I couldn’t attend an event so important to you.”

He takes a small pause and says in a very broken tone “I’m so sorry.” He buries his face in my neck while I gently pat his head “Hey it’s okay, I understand your situation but look to be fair you didn’t even know me back then anyway so how could you have known? It really is okay, as long as I have you here now it really doesn’t matter at all so don’t be so hard on yourself.” I sit there waiting for San to answer but he never does. “Come on, please don’t feel bad for me It really is okay I promise. Yes, I’m still sad about yesterday but seeing my parents and other people I care about brought me so much peace and closure. Even Seonghwa told me how now that Captain Lee thinks I’m dead he has nothing to try and threaten anyone with because I’m already dead and he doesn’t know I’m working for you.” I’m going to try and hide how much I’m dying on the inside for you, so I don’t make you feel responsible for any of my pain. The thought of burdening anyone with it doesn't settle well with me. “Ah come on, let’s go eat I know you’re hungry come on.” I get up and I grab both of his arms and try to pull him up “Come on!!” He looks at me with a and finally gets up “Okay, I am kind of hungry actually” While he buttons up his shirt he pulls me in for a kiss. I giggle amid the kiss and pull back "I was talking about food silly" He raises his eyebrow and feigns innocence "Yeah, that's what I was referring to. What were you thinking of you dirty girl?" I stammer feeling my cheeks burn "I thought that's why you-" He chuckles seeing me struggle to form a sentence "You're so cute when you're flustered, it makes it even more satisfying knowing It was because of me." He rolls up his sleeves and leans in to kiss my forehead "I'll see you downstairs in the kitchen angel eyes."

San manages to sneak out of my room unnoticed leaving me alone in the room trying to compose myself from whatever "that" was. Giving me plenty of time to get ready for the day but a few minutes later while heading down the hall I bump into Hongjoong “I was just about to come look for you but if you’re up for it could you come and help me?" I look at the white haired man and realize he was waiting for me to answer so I let out a small hum queuing to continue speaking "So I’m trying to overload the police department's servers...” I slightly raise an eyebrow “Wait, why do that? We have access to all of their documents, reports and stuff like that on the servers.” A small smirk creeps onto his face and says “True, but we’re going to override the security camera servers which is conveniently and stupidly connected to the police department servers and no, we’re not doing this to take information” I tilt my head “What’s it for then?” He shrugs realizing asking me was a mistake “I’m not sure?” I slightly narrow my eyes “What? I'm so confused. Please don’t tell me San is planning something..” Hongjoong shakes his head “Nah.” I cross my arm in front of my chest “Okay, then what’s it for?” He rolls his eyes and begins to walk past me “Nevermind..” I walk behind Hongjoong and grab onto the sleeve of his hoodie and immediately he turns and gives me a glare “Please don’t.” I hold onto his sleeve a little tighter “Just tell me, is it bad?” Hongjoong looks at me then shifts his gaze behind me and stays silent. “Wasn’t expecting you to ask so many questions, maybe you should just do as you’re told. That’s all you’re good for anyway.” A familiar voice booms behind me scaring me half to death, which is none other than Wooyoung. It was only now that I notice the delicate mole under his eye decorating his signature scowl so I let go of Hongjoong’s sleeve and fully turn to Wooyoung “Can’t I just ask why I’m doing something?” He forces a very ill intended smile narrowing his eyes “You do as you’re told around here last time I checked no questions asked.” I shake my head “Sorry, I’m under San’s command not yours because last time I checked San was the boss around here.” He darkly chuckles and slowly walks towards me “You really love to run your mouth don’t you?”

I only now realize that not only is Hongjoong long gone but Wooyoung is now cornering me in such a way where my back hits the railing to the indoor balcony right before going down the stairs. Without another word Wooyoung grabs me by the throat catching me off guard from how sudden it was and pushes me so far back to where my feet are off the ground and I’m teetering between falling down onto the marble floor below and being able to stand on my own feet. By instinct I reach over and claw at Wooyoung’s iron fist. “I hate you, you know that? I wish I could just see your itty little cop brain splatter onto the floor below.” He says with anger seething though his words “Wooyou-” I manage to hoarsely utter before he cuts me off “You wanted to know why I had Hongjoong ask you to help him overload the servers?” Without waiting for me to utter anything else he continues while keeping a constant iron grip around my throat. “Because we’re breaking into the Evidence room to get what we need. There, happy? See how anti climactic that was? And here you were making a huge deal about it by asking too many questions when you could have just agreed as you were asked.” He pulls me back and lets go of my throat causing me to fall to the ground and immediately reach for my throat while violently coughing. The dark haired male stifles a laugh “Oh come on I wasn’t even squeezing that hard.” I glare up at him while coughing only receiving a taunting smirk whilst he walks away “You won't speak to San about this or I'll make sure you don't speak again, see ya around..” After a few more seconds of coughing I mange to catch my breath and head downstairs. Fuming not only from the situation with Wooyoung but the fact that San is willing to not only sacrifice lives but also get ourselves caught all over something he could wait to retrieve.

I head to the kitchen and notice San was there eating a bowl of cereal, he smiles and waves at me while he signals me to sit next to him “This is sudden but, can I ask you something?” Feeling my eyes already threatening to betray me San nods while shoving a spoonful of cereal in his mouth “So when were you planning on telling me about AS breaking in to the police department’s evidence room?” I sit next to him and noticed he stopped chewing, and very carefully swallows his cereal “Who told you?” My stomach drops seeing him slowly turn his head to look at me. I know Wooyoung threatened me not to speak but I can't just take it silently and watch San screw himself over like that so I manage to swallow my fear and respond with an expressionless look. “Wooyoung, he told me needed me to help override the police department’s servers. San, you do know that most of the people that go on that heist might not come back at all right? Not only that but do you realize you’re risking all of us getting caught? ” He sits back on the chair and crosses his arms in front of his chest and lets out a sigh “Yeah I know, but just as easily as people die I can easily replace them and for the getting caught part that’s not going to happen because we’re all going to be extra careful..” I look away slightly taken a back from his statement trying to find words to answer him. Why am I not surprised? I know who this man is and what he does. I guess my love for him has somewhat turned into me seeing him with rose colored glasses. Something that if you asked me about a few months ago I would have refused to believe but here I am remembering the harsh reality that this isn’t just any guy. “Okay then why exactly am I here if we’re going to do things the way you’ve always done them, reckless and messily?” He shrugs “You know why, we’re not going to talk about it here.” He's shutting down. I look at him slightly irritated and tilt my head “Excuse me? You’re acting as if that cufflink is your top priority right now and it shouldn’t be, we need to take down Captain Lee before we even get to the cufflink understand that. Barging in like that will only upset him and you know that. Being impatient won’t work in your favor and it’s only going to get you caught much faster, you’re so reckless. It’s not all about you anymore, you promised we were both going to take him down. So either we do it the right way or I go and do it on my own. I’m sorry but I can’t leave that man to walk away free. He ruined my life!” He turns to me with a darkened gaze “No, you’re not going anywhere. You can’t leave.” I stare him down with anger seething in my gaze causing his to soften, in a soft voice he says while reaching over to hold my hand “Please...Don’t.” I get up, pull my hand away “Then think about it.” I get up and leave before he's able to respond.

I decide to walk around the headquarters aimlessly trying to calm myself down. It's the beginning of the day and already way too much has happened. Wooyoung is a problem, especially with the part where he nearly threw me off the second floor just because I asked a simple question. I really need to be careful around him, I need to tell someone but It can’t be San though. I know for a fact that he’ll make a rash decision, something tells me that he's crazy enough to kill him if I say something. I just can't let San be reckless anymore either, not just because of the Captain Lee situation but because I really grew to care about him and I don’t want him to end up in jail and possibly get murdered for his affiliations and ties in the Mafia world. I need him to realize he can’t just do what he wants without there being consequences for his actions. He has to understand things will never be solved if he keeps being reckless, because someone will always find a way to take advantage of that recklessness and it'll lead to what I fear the most these days which is him getting hurt or worse. San getting killed.

While stuck in my thoughts I bump into Jongho, he looks over at me and smiles “Hey y/n good morning.” I force a smile and say “Oh good morning Jongho.” He cocks his eyebrow with a puzzled look “What are you doing here, you’ve never been all the way over here. Are you looking for something?” I shake my head slowly and look down while fidgeting my hands, he puts his hand on my shoulder “y/n? Is something wrong?” I clasp my hands together and I very carefully look back up at him “Well, Wooyoung almost threw me over the railing and I thought I was going to die but I'll get to that later, because I also kinda got upset at San and told him he was being reckless because I’m sure you know of the heist he was planning to do right?” Jongho’s jaw drops and pats my shoulder and whispers “What?! What do you mean you almost died?! And yeah, I knew about it. In fact we all do.” I shake my head “You’re all going to get yourselves killed.” He blinks in confusion and I answer back in an increasingly irritated voice “Is everyone dumb around here?! We’re supposed to kill captain Lee first this heist is basically a suicide mission, you won’t get out alive and if you do you'll for sure be followed. I’m telling you this because I know.” Jongho pats my back again trying to calm me down “Okay, calm down. I think maybe San isn’t thinking very clearly but then again he isn’t really the type to care if any of his foot soldiers get hurt because he can always find new ones.” I cross my arms in front of my chest “Yeah, I’m trying to get him to be more low key about everything now, there’s no way we’ll get rid of Captain Lee if he’s expecting us.“ Jongho presses his lips together and lets out a small exhale “Yeah but San is...you know. He’s obsessed about making everyone fear him. Not to mention his father's death just made his hate towards Lee and everyone else more evident. He gets drunk off of feeling powerful which is why he’s so reckless, of course for a while he calmed down when you first arrived for some odd reason but he’s going at it again. The sad part is we all have to follow his orders even if we don’t agree with them..” I slowly nod while I focus my gaze at a distance. “Well, I made it very clear that if he doesn’t change his plans I was going to take matters into my own hands and handle it on my own.”

What else am I supposed to do? As scared as I am to defy San I can’t let that person live without paying for what he’s done. “Did he get upset?” he asks in a slightly worried tone, and I shrug. “I don't know, all I know is that it got him thinking.” Jongho stands there for a few seconds processing everything “Well, if you manage to change his mind that would be nice. If not, seeing you go off by yourself will most certainly worry me and Seonghwa considering you have nowhere to go.” I smile and I gently pat Jongho’s arm “Nah, don’t worry about me I’ll be fine. I have a feeling San isn’t going to tell me to leave.” San can’t be that selfish right? He's been nothing but caring and sweet, I hope he wasn’t just being nice to me and asked me to be his girlfriend just so he could find a way to control me. Jongho chuckles and says “Wait, what makes you say that?” Instantly I realize I just hinted at something I wasn’t supposed to. I shrug while I take a strand of my dyed hair and tuck it behind my right ear “I don’t know, I mean San and I grew pretty close, there’s no reason he'd send away a friend like that.” He approvingly nods “Honestly despite how violent San's schemes are he has a big heart. He protects it behind that tough exterior and pretends he doesn’t care but in reality I can tell he knows his heart is his major weakness which reminds me it’s actually rare for him to immediately trust someone so quickly and become so vulnerable. How did you do it?” I slightly force a laugh and say “Why the sudden interest? Is it really that weird?” He crosses his arms and gently taps his foot on the floor “Okay don’t take this the wrong way because I’m just being honest, but yes it kinda is a little weird.” I stand there with a million thoughts running through my mind then I blurt out “Not as weird as the hatred Wooyoung has for me, I’m still in shock I was a hair away from dying.” Jongho sighs looks around and slightly lowers his voice again “Wooyoung unfortunately acts on his own, and no one can keep a grip on him except San. I’m sorry you’re continuously having to endure trauma back to back. I'm sure it's very distressing.” I nod “I understand, I just wanted to tell someone here in case he actually does end up killing me.” He reaches for my shoulder again and gives me a squeeze of reassurance “Rest assured he won’t, he knows this because if he does San won’t hesitate to kill him. Wooyoung also respects San too much to ever defy him so I’m pretty sure he’s just picking on you because it’s the only thing he can get away with.”

Part of me has a feeling that most likely the simple answer is also because he hates cops, so he picks on me because he can't kill me. Which I understand. He just always seems to point it out. Before I’m able to even say a word San calls my name out from down the hallway. Both Jongho and I turn and look at San then at each other and while he walks towards us Jongho says under his breath “We’ll talk later, this stays between us.” Jongho looks over at San who was now a few feet away from us he says “ I’ll leave you two to talk” San grabs Jongho’s shoulder and stops him from walking away “No, actually I want you to listen too so you can help me tell everyone else but we’re actually postponing this heist. y/n made me realize we’re putting a lot at steak with the heist.. ” San looks at Jongho almost like he was telepathically telling him something, then Jongho nods in understandment “No need to worry, I’ll let everyone know.” A small smile grows onto San’s face as he pats Jongho’s shoulder “You can go now, I just wanted to let you know about this as soon as possible. You should gather everyone to let them know, I’d do it now but I have a special job I need y/n to work on that I need to explain to her.” I look over at San with a blank expression, I have no idea what’s happening or how he managed to change his mind so quickly. So he really does care about me and was serious about not wanting me to leave.

Jongho walks off leaving both San and I alone, eventually a few seconds later he breaks the silence. “So, I realized you’re probably bored and you probably want something to do right?” San shoves his hands in his pockets and we begin walking down the hall “I mean yeah I do kinda get bored sometimes why? Are we going to do something about Captain Lee now?” San presses his lips into a feigned smile “Actually, about that. Right now I have a few things up my sleeve but I’ll let you know about it later. What I really want you to do right now is I was wondering if you could run a few errands for me” My eyes immediately narrow and I turn to look at San “What kind of errands?” He fixes his rolled up sleeves “I’m going to give you a list of a few people I need you to investigate for me, we’re planning on working with these people but I’m still not sure if we should trust them. I need you to find their connections and see if they’re reliable. The moment I find out they’re working with the enemy I’m going to drop them. Also, you’ll also be able to leave the headquarters as you please in case you need to observe them.” I smile and tightly hug San, he responds by gently patting my back then returning my hug. “Oh?” I pull back and clasp my hands together “I'm sorry. I just got excited because I finally get to be of use now and because you trust me. That really means a lot. Not to mention this might benefit us...I mean you, not me.” His mouth curves into a warm smile “No, you’re right it’ll benefit you too. You’ll be able to gain more experience from this and you’ll be able to maintain your abilities sharp. I know you’re able to take care of yourself but remember that if things get difficult don’t hesitate to let me know, I don’t want you to get hurt. “ San walks up to a door in the hallway and opens it then looks back at me “I also made sure to get you your own workspace, I know it’s still somewhat empty but I was thinking maybe you’d like to decorate it yourself and make it your own.” I peek my head inside the dimly lit room and l notice there was a small desk and a computer. The room was small but not small enough to where it felt cramped. It was the perfect size. I turn to look at San who was already looking at me with a shy smile on his face “So, do you like it? Or is the room too small?” I quickly shake my head and reach over to grab his hand “No, It’s perfect. Back at the station I only had my work desk and computer in the same cramped room as everyone else and that’s it only higher ranking people had offices so this makes me feel a bit special. Thank you.” He walks over to the desk and gently pats it for me to sit down. I sit down on the crinkly new leather chair. When I meet San's eyes he gives me a weird indecipherable look.

He then pulls out a phone from his pocket and hands it to me and says “Please don’t make me regret giving this to you.” I take the phone and I shake my head “No, of course not. I promise I’m not going to do what you’re thinking. I promise I don’t have any plans of helping the police and you should know that. I'm all yours.” I give him a soft smile and he immediately says “Alright, so I’ll leave you to it. I have to go but remember, I love you.” I let out a soft scoff and I say “Stop phrasing things so weird, you sound like you’re going to die or something.” San forces a half hearted smile and says “Of course I’m not going to die I just wanted you to know that’s all.” He leans over to me and gently kisses my forehead reaching into his pocket and putting a fat wad of cash in the palm of my hand "I’ll get going now, get yourself something nice you deserve it.” Before I'm even able to say something I stay seated in my chair and stare at the phone and the wad of cash he gave me. He’s acting a bit weird, something tells me something bad is going to happen.

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Previous Chapter

[vickyvicarious]

I greatly fear that she is of too super-sensitive a nature to go through the world without trouble. She will be dreaming of this to-night, I am sure. The whole agglomeration of things—the ship steered into port by a dead man; his attitude, tied to the wheel with a crucifix and beads; the touching funeral; the dog, now furious and now in terror—will all afford material for her dreams.

I think it will be best for her to go to bed tired out physically, so I shall take her for a long walk by the cliffs to Robin Hood's Bay and back.

This might be an answer to the question of why Lucy sleepwalks to the graveyard. I know a lot of people say it's Dracula's doing,and even her earlier sleepwalking is easier to mistake as his influence when not paying attention to dates. But we know that she's been sleepwalking for over a week now, when he was still way out at sea. Even if she is vulnerable to his mere presence in some way that doesn't require any direct intervention, that wouldn't explain her sleepwalking with that much time/distance between them. So it starts perfectly naturally.

Then, the question is, at what point does that change? And tonight's sleepwalking is such a departure from usual, one that leads her right to him to be drunk from for the first time. So it's tempting to say now is when he starts. But honestly, I don't think that's true.

Mina points out here that she thinks the events of the day will provide material for Lucy's dreams and influence her sleepwalking. Later on, we get Lucy's own account of what she remembers from that night:

"I didn't quite dream; but it all seemed to be real. I only wanted to be here in this spot—I don't know why, for I was afraid of something—I don't know what. I remember, though I suppose I was asleep, passing through the streets and over the bridge. A fish leaped as I went by, and I leaned over to look at it, and I heard a lot of dogs howling—the whole town seemed as if it must be full of dogs all howling at once—as I went up the steps. Then I had a vague memory of something long and dark with red eyes, just as we saw in the sunset, and something very sweet and very bitter all around me at once; and then I seemed sinking into deep green water, and there was a singing in my ears, as I have heard there is to drowning men; and then everything seemed passing away from me; my soul seemed to go out from my body and float about the air. I seem to remember that once the West Lighthouse was right under me, and then there was a sort of agonising feeling, as if I were in an earthquake, and I came back and found you shaking my body. I saw you do it before I felt you."

While there are other reasons for several of these elements, there are parallels to the events of the funeral as well. Dogs always oppose Dracula, so they may well have been truly howling... but Mina doesn't mention it, so it's possible that was part of her dream. If so it could have been related to the terrified dog she saw at the funeral. Similarly, the idea of water and drowning men, while perhaps just part of the experience of being drunk from, could have been an impression influenced by her thoughts of the story of the Captain and his companions. Another detail, admittedly more tenuous: while the lighthouse isn't in the same area as the cliffs that she and Mina walked to, or the Demeter's crash site, Lucy's spirit still goes towards the edge of water and land... towards the direction the Demeter blew in from?

Even Lucy wanting so badly to go to their spot in the graveyard despite being afraid... It could be due to the incident at the funeral making such a deep impression upon her. It scares/upsets her, but weighs heavily on her mind, and things that are on her mind can influence her sleeping behavior. Mina took her on a long walk that day as well... what if that plays in to sleeping Lucy wanting to go on a longer walk away from the house?

Mina is tired herself tonight, and perhaps doesn't hide the key as well, since she feels like the long walk will have done the trick to get Lucy to rest quietly. And we've seen a build of Lucy being more determined to try and get out anyway, with her having an odd concentration and searching for the key...

[chaosincurate]

My top 40 albums

Find out more about the albums and my thoughts on them below!

So I've been gone a little while, and part of that just comes from demotivation from a feeling that the work I'm putting in is going to waste, at least in the way I'm doing it, but most of it was the fact I was doing this. Turns out listening to about 50 albums and making a top 40 out of them isn't a quick done-in-a-month project. Whodathunk?

Sidebar: Anyway, I'll get into the write-ups in just a second, but I want to establish something first: this list is very subjective and one of the most obvious ways that shows itself is in regard to the ages of these albums. I grew up in the 00s and 10s and generally find it difficult to really connect with a lot of highly acclaimed and influential releases from before then. I never got into The Beatles all that much, I don't get the hype around Pet Sounds, and Nico & The Velvet Underground largely underwhelmed me. I don't doubt the artistry, I just feel like a lot of that music is very of a time that I have no real connection to, so it always ends up being a very analytical listen as opposed to one where I am just enjoying the album. Because of that, the albums on this list skew newer. A lot newer. I just wanted to make it clear that I'm not saying "old music bad" by excluding so many of them. It's a me thing. Anyway, onto the list!

40. Fall Out Boy - Folie a Deux

Genre: Emo Alternative-Rock Highlights: Headfirst Slide Into Cooperstown On a Bad Bet, I Don't Care, What a Catch, Donnie

For me, this album comes across as a funeral for the emo scene of the 00s. Shortly after this, Fall Out Boy would go on hiatus and haven't been the same since in my humble opinion, Paramore would go on to absolutely kill it with a shiny new sound, Panic! At the Disco would become a one-man ego trip, and My Chemical Romance released what is to this day their last album. All that being said, this doesn't come across as somber. Yes, there is a little angst, there's an acknowledgement of the unfairness of it all, hell, there's even a few guests making things awkward with their self-destructive depression. But despite it all, you get the impression that there is something to celebrate here.

39. Arctic Monkeys - Favourite Worst Nightmare

Genre: Indie Rock Highlights: 505, Fluorescent Adolescent

Any album that has 505 on it is gonna be a good one in my book. There's a reason it's a fan favourite. It perfectly balances the depiction of fawning anticipation with the need to keep things interesting enough that the listener can actually get to the payoff. It's immaculate, but that isn't all that the album has to offer.

Throughout the whole album, there's a little added complexity where the rawness of their debut once was, and sure, I prefer the debut, but it makes this a distinct enough experience that you aren't going to constantly feel like you'd rather listen to your preferred album, which I find is a trap that many young artists end up falling into. It still keeps a lot of what made the debut so exciting though, which is also a virtue, as much as I do love a lot of their later experimentation.

38. David Bowie - The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and the Spiders From Mars

Genre: Glam Rock Highlights: Moonage Daydream, Hang on to Yourself, Starman

There are a lot of reasons this is a must-listen for any prospective or established rock fan, and the quality isn't even the main one in my opinion. Yes, this album is fantastic - so fantastic in fact that I had a tough time picking just a few highlights - but it's an album that, whether it hits for you or not, will tell you so much about what you do and don't like in the broad umbrella genre that is rock music. That trait is a result of the sheer amount of early exploration and pioneering Bowie does on this record. It's all close enough that it feels like a uniform experience, but you've got early templates for the all-out anthemic rock sounds with the likes of Moonage Daydream, a more dynamic, yet still anthemic style with Starman, the rock ballad of Rock 'n' Roll Suicide, and the early punk stylings of Hang on to Yourself. It makes for a great beginners guide to rock music, or simply further vindication and understanding from more experienced listeners who may just have a blind spot with Bowie.

And all of that upside comes in a rock opera package with a loose but coherent story.

37. Sampha - Lahai

Genre: Alternative R&B Highlights: Suspended, Spirit 2.0, Only

If you put a gun to my head and told me I could only use one word to describe this album, that word would probably be 'thoughtful'. Fortunately though, there's no gun to my head, so I'll expand on that.

First, the lyricism consistently comes across as mature and enlightened in the most humble way possible. It's similar to the Kendrick album he featured on in that way: Mr. Morale & The Big Steppers. It reads as someone taking your hand and calmly guiding you through difficulty in life, as opposed to a self-indulgent lecture, and it's very easy to get something wrong and have a well-intentioned message come across as the latter if you aren't very thoughtful about your approach.

Then there are the instrumentals, which I've described before as something akin to a living thing. There is so much relaxed intricacy to the sound that all weaves together so naturally that it sounds like a melodic breath of some beautiful fantasy creature that you can't fully understand. It's what makes writing about it so difficult: it's got to be all about the emotion it evokes, not how it's evoked, because understanding how it works is both difficult and feels like dissecting a magnificent creature.

36. Denzel Curry - Melt My Eyez, See Your Future

Genre: Conscious Hip Hop Highlights: Walkin', X-Wing

If you've ever tried to dive in at the deep end of a genre that you've not listened to much of before, you'll know how I felt listening to this for the first time when it came out a couple years ago. To be clear, this isn't the most hip that ever did hop or anything, but it's a pure enough form of the genre that I didn't really know how to really approach it outside of the very surface level interaction of listening to it and either liking the album or not liking the album. Even individual tracks didn't stand out to me that much because I simply didn't speak the metaphorical language of this genre, so my feelings were essentially all vibes based. I bring that up to say that revisiting it with a little more experience under my belt made me worried that I wouldn't like it as much this time. As you can tell, I had nothing to worry about.

Melt My Eyez, See Your Future is a fantastic album about continuing to mature while comfortably into adulthood, exploring trauma, and criticizing various elements of culture that made growth difficult. It's intelligent, thoughtful, and the touch of psychedelia in the sound of the album pairs incredibly well with the lyrics about self-realization.

35. IDLES - Joy as an Act of Resistance

Genre: Art Punk Highlights: Never Fight a Man with a Perm, Samaritans, Television

Joy as an Act of Resistance is exactly what the title suggests and a little more: a punk album about how, despite everything, joy is very powerful. There is a particularly refreshing angle to that though, as throughout the album there are moments where it becomes explicit that this is from the perspective of someone who has felt pressure to live up to patriarchally masculine ideals of stoicism, and some focus is given to how that is harmful to men beyond the simplistic buzzwords that get thrown around so we don't have to actually talk about it. It's rare and important that men are told, as men, that they can and should express all emotions, including joy, and the fact that it's purpose beyond the personal benefit is so clearly laid out is the cherry on top.

To be clear though, this isn't a pushover punk record, not by any means. The vibe of the album is well summed up in the line "this snowflake's an avalanche". A bold statement on how an emotionally enlightened community can become a powerful force for good, especially en masse.

34. Arctic Monkeys - Humbug

Genre: Indie Rock, Psychedelic Rock Highlights: Cornerstone, Crying Lightning, The Jeweller's Hands

The first sign of real experimentation from Arctic Monkeys was one that disappointed me personally on first listen, but eventually grew on me, with the leisurely pace that most of this album is moving at. It's a really laid-back listen for the most part, one that invites the total opposite experience to that which they were - and, arguably in the UK, still are - known for. Where they once kept it fairly light on the thoughtful aspects in favour of an adrenaline-pumping, raw rock sound, they were now placing intricacy, both in songwriting and lyricism, at the forefront.

As I alluded to, it took some getting used to, I was a fan of the fast-paced Arctic Monkeys of their debut and sophomore attempts first and foremost, but now that it's finally clicked, I can appreciate the boldness on both an analytical level, and an emotional one.

33. Paramore - This Is Why

Genre: Post-punk Highlights: Figure 8, Running Out Of Time, This Is Why

This is why I love Paramore. They have such a creative integrity about them that is on full display here. While their contemporaries have turned into desperate trend-chasers or cheap nostalgia acts, Paramore keep reinventing themselves with a sense of sincere curiosity and adventure, while also nailing every single sound they've attempted. This newest sound is a natural progression from their initial sound almost, taking the maturity of their albums post-punk-sound and combining it with elements of their pop-punk roots, adding some extra musical complexity, and coming out with a post-punk album that feels like such a natural fit that in retrospect it seemed inevitable.

But all of that is pretty conceptual. It tells you where it sits in Paramore's discography, and that of their 00's pop-punk contemporaries, but not how the album holds up on it's own. Naturally, with it being on a list like this, I'm going to say it holds up well, but this is a question of why, not if, and I think there are plenty of reasons. First I'll start with Hayley Williams' lyrics, which are, as they have been for a while, refreshingly emotionally mature. Then there's the willingness to try out some really unique guitar sounds and effects for a band this popular. They really push the instrument further than most things you expect to chart. I'm trying to keep this brief, so I'll aim my last compliment towards the vocals, particularly on Figure 8. There's such a visceral strain that makes it hit so hard.

32. Michael Jackson - Thriller

Genre: Dance Pop Highlights: Billie Jean, Thriller, Beat It

Is a write-up really necessary for this one? It's held in high regard as one of the best pop albums - if not the best - and it is a well-earned title. This album is stacked. There are the three highlights I've listed above, sure, but I feel like it'd be sacrilegious not to mention the likes of P.Y.T., Wanna Be Startin' Somethin', Baby Be Mine... Basically anything but The Girl Is Mine feels like it warrants a mention here. It's all Thriller, no filler. If you haven't listened to it, what are you even doing reading a music blog for music recommendations? Go listen to it. Learn simple addition before learning about the niche shit that'll never come up in your daily life. And when you've done that, you can thank me and we can talk about stuff that's a little more niche. Seriously though, how haven't you heard this yet? Don't they play it when you come out of the womb?

Anyway, yeah, good album, Billie Jean is a masterpiece (and has aged very well considering we now know that he was more likely to sleep with the child than the mother), but you probably knew that already.

31. Arcade Fire - Funeral

Genre: Chamber Pop, Indie Rock Highlights: Neighborhood #1: Tunnels, Wake Up, Rebellion (Lies)

I don't think I've ever known an album to be so against the idea of you listening to songs from it individually. Don't get me wrong, I've heard better album experiences, more cohesive, better paced, more highly conceptual albums, but something about this album screams "don't you dare listen to a song off this thing. It's all or nothing". I really I can't even put my finger on why, exactly, but what I can tell you is that it makes a write-up significantly harder. Usually I can draw on my long history of casual listens to individual tracks to pick out highlights and to get a more intimate understanding of the sound of an album, but here, I've only got a handful of excellent experiences with the album that were, frankly, pretty spread out to go off.

What I can offer using that experience though, is that this album embodies a certain emotion really well, and that's the feeling of running away from home after the situation there has become untenable. It's not really something I'd call an explicit theme, but there are moments where it feels like a bittersweet nostalgia, like the feeling of someone describing a video game as a sanctuary from early familial turmoil. It's a focus on something warm in the blistering cold of a hard life.

30. King Crimson - In the Court of the Crimson King

Genre: Prog Rock, Art Rock Highlight: 21st Century Schizoid Man

45 minutes, 5 songs. That should give you some idea of how this album sounds. Each song is it's own sprawling, epic masterpiece. It spends minutes that would typically be spent on a song or two simply teasing you with playful mid-song solos that feel incomplete, only to then give you the full picture you got used to in the beginning in a satisfying explosion, bringing with it a new drive to propel the songs over the finishing line. There are of course variations on that formula to add the slight freshness required to keep these five tracks from getting stale, but regardless, you will need to approach this with patience, and if you can do that, it'll reward you for it tenfold.

29. Paramore - After Laughter

Genre: New Wave, Synthpop Highlights: Hard Times, 26, Idle Worship

I have a lot of love for After Laughter. It was one of the first albums I remember actively listening to on it's release, and was a superb example for me of a band radically changing their style in a way that feels sincere following a wave of albums that seemed like cashgrabs to a 16-year-old me. And I liked it plenty back then, sure, but it's grown on me massively in the years since then.

The way the whole album appears to be built around the concept of smiling through pain, putting on a happy act when you feel like your world is crumbling around you... It's awe-inspiring. I've mentioned it before, but the way you are pulled into that groove in the first 5 songs on the album, getting comfortable with the idea of happy pop songs with a darker underbelly, 26 comes in and absolutely blindsides you with a rare moment of lyrical-musical harmony as Hayley Williams sings about her regrets surrounding the pessimism she espoused and bought into, and how she feels trapped by it in the present. It's brutal. And then, while you're sitting with that, you're thrust right into the peppiest song on the album yet in Pool, which leaves you feeling the exact emotions the album is built around. I caught myself thinking "Wow, that's really fucked me up, but this is a really upbeat song, I'm not in the right headspace here, I gotta cheer up". I don't know if it's intentional, and the fact that the A-side ends on 26 when listening on vinyl leads me to believe it wasn't, but it's powerful all the same.

Other than that though, as much as I've seen opinions to the contrary, I believe this album is remarkably consistent. I even love the experimental spoken word track No Friend. It also happens to be an excellent showing of the band's versatility. It doesn't get much further from Riot than this, and it still just seems so effortless for them. Like a second nature. It's crazy. This is why Paramore are the sleeper GOATs of the 2000s pop punk movement.

28. Arctic Monkeys - Whatever People Say I Am, That's What I'm Not

Genre: Indie Rock Highlights: When the Sun Goes Down, I Bet You Look Good on the Dancefloor, The View From the Afternoon

The first effort from Arctic Monkeys being this good was a blessing and a curse all at once. It feels harsh to say they peaked with their first album, but in this case, I mean it as a positive. I still love the newer stuff from them, even their very divisive most recent album The Car, but the energy of this one can't be denied. It takes you by the wrist and charges forward at full pelt, prepared to drag you along if you can't keep up, and only really gives you a couple breathers.

It's because of that pace though, that one of my favourite aspects of the album often gets overlooked (even by myself initially), and that's the lyrics of the album. Now, sure, they aren't pure poetry or anything, and Alex Turner does go on to improve in that regard, but it all sticks to the theme of a young Brit's night out, and paints the picture fantastically, with all the awkwardness and charm that comes along with it.

27. Regina Spektor - Soviet Kitsch

Genre: Anti-Folk, Chamber Pop Highlights: Us, Chemo Limo, Ode to Divorce

I've written a lot about this album since starting this blog about 18 months ago, and I'm frankly running out of new things to say. If you want my in-depth write up about the album, I did one towards the end of last year, but to keep it simple, the highlight for me is the really cool and unique lyrical style in which Spektor phrases simple things in a strange enough way that you're forced to actually engage with the simple truths that often get abstracted by modern life. She doesn't say something you're likely to have heard before, like "people don't care about you as much as you do", she says "people are just people like you". The former is used in such a way that it's easy to ignore based on how people have used it before (after all, some people just are judgemental, which isn't always acknowledged). But when Spektor says "people are just people like you", it's prompting you to think about yourself acting in the way you expect others to, and how you wouldn't be so unkind. It makes it more powerful because you actually have to think about the type of person you'd have to be to judge someone so harshly, and how their opinion ultimately shouldn't matter to you.

26. black midi - Schlagenheim

Genre: Experimental Rock Highlights: bmbmbm, Of Schlagenheim, Ducter

When I say this album is incredibly overwhelming, understand I mean it in the best way possible. There is so much going on at any given moment, and so little time to wait for the next moment, that it took me several listens before I felt I could even truly grasp it. And usually when I say that it comes from a lack of experience with the genre, but while I hadn't heard anything quite like black midi, I have been a fan of rock and rock-adjacent music for most of my life. It's just so much album that it took a while for me to digest it all. And even now, every listen feels fresh because it's so difficult to memorize every aspect of it.

Another crazy thing about this album is how it doesn't even feel like your typical balance of intensity and intricacy, which is probably a massive reason for that overwhelm I mentioned. It's not less intricate in favour of intensity or vice versa, they just turn both of them up to 11 and expect you to get with it, and I have a lot of respect for that approach.

25. MF DOOM - MM.. FOOD

Genre: Hip-Hop Highlights: Deep Fried Frenz, Rapp Snitch Knishes, Kookies

If you want the delectable dessert of DOOM's discography, dare I say it doesn't get more delicious than the divine rhymes of MM.. FOOD. Maybe Madvillainy is more of a main course meal; the mandatory musical meat that you must make your way through first, but the flavourful fun follows shortly after for me. MM.. FOOD is a concept album, using food metaphors throughout, and that sounds like a really cheesy idea, but it's surprisingly satiating in practice, and is the ingredient that really elevates the album to point where, to me, it's a classic.

24. Japanese Breakfast - Soft Sounds From Another Planet

Genre: Dream Pop, Indie Rock Highlights: The Body Is a Blade, Boyish, Road Head

What's not to love about Japanese Breakfast? The instrumentals never failing to perfectly replicate even the most specific of moods, the evocative and often wise lyricism, the soothing vocals... This album in particular is often verging on meditative, with even most of the upbeat songs having a comforting quality to them that makes them work as a late night lullaby. Even the one song that I'd consider a poor choice for a sleep playlist, 12 Steps, feels like a rock song in a fluffy jumper. It's got all the elements you'd expect from something abrasive, but performed in a way that makes it sound sweet and cozy instead.

As for the wise lyrics I mentioned, it doesn't get much better than The Body Is a Blade in Japanese Breakfast's discography. It's about the idea of perseverance, basically, but in a way that feels very passive, like all the effort the protagonist can muster is put into keeping it together and the rest of their life is on autopilot. It's excellent and well worth a listen. It also stands on it's own if you don't feel like listening to the whole album.

Try not to get so righteous

About what's fair for everyone

Find what's left in you

Channel something good

23. Björk - Homogenic

Genre: Electronic, Art Pop Highlights: Bachelorette, Hunter

On Homogenic, Björk creates a balanced, maximalist electronic soundscape that lends itself to repeated sessions of critical listening, which serves as a backdrop for her passionate, emotion-filled vocal performances. It's an immersive style that really needs to be felt and not described for it to really be understood, but suffice it to say that if you're a fan of music that rewards focused listening, and are not averse to electronic sounds, you'll find something to love here.

22. Jeff Buckley - Grace

Genre: Singer-Songwriter, Alternative Rock Highlights: Hallelujah, Lover You Should Have Come Over

The one and only record from one of music's most overlooked great artists, Jeff Buckley, is a beautiful and thoughtful album. An expression of pain from a tender soul, communicated by way of one of the most beautiful voices to grace a rock-adjacent sound atop instrumentals that at once accept flaws as part of the process and demand perfection to the greatest extent possible without losing the human touch.

21. Alvvays - Alvvays

Genre: Indie Pop Highlights: Atop a Cake, Red Planet, Next of Kin

The first and (in my opinion) worst of Alvvays' albums still gives me enough hits of dopamine from their euphoria-laced sound to make it near the halfway point of this list. The only thing that is really lacking in this album for me, which they will go on to address in future listens, is the rough edges in their production (nothing quite seems to pop like it does later on) and the monotony. Luckily though, the one tone they did run with was one that I absolutely love, making listens great fun regardless.

For more of my thoughts on this album (and the other Alvvays albums we'll get to), check out my Alvvays discography post I made last year! It was an early one of mine, so it might need some revision at some point, but most of what I say in there should still stand.

20. Black Country, New Road - For the First Time

Genre: Experimental Post-Punk Highlights: Sunglasses

As someone who enjoys long songs but short albums, this is almost my dream. 6 songs over a 40 minute runtime. It's not quite around the 35 minute runtime that tends to make me love an album, but it's damn close, and those extra five minutes or so are hardly felt anyways with patient behemoths of songs being held down with an awkward post-punk groove you will have come to expect if you're familiar with the 2020s wave of British post-punk.

I've spoken a lot about how debuts can often sound a little unrefined in their sound, and usually that takes on a slightly negative but totally acceptable connotation, but here they lean in fully and it makes that rawness one of the best elements of the sound. From the album's title, to the theme of immaturity and childhood popping up on occasion throughout the album, to even the jazzy sound that sounds somewhat improvised, they don't shy away from how far they have to go, and that makes for a far more enjoyable experience.

19. Radiohead - OK Computer

Genre: Alternative Rock Highlights: Paranoid Android, Karma Police, Let Down

This is the second time I've had real trouble picking highlights for the album, because practically everything here is pure alternative rock gold. Paranoid Android and Karma Police were mandatory, sure, but beyond that it is almost literally the whole album (minus Fitter Happier for reasons obvious to the masses of people who've heard this album) begging for a spot there. Ultimately, I chose Let Down, with the deciding factor simply being that the lines "One day I am gonna grow wings // A chemical reaction // Hysterical and useless". There's a deeply mangled sense of hope within those lines, as if the sentiment is fighting itself. The crushing realism fighting with the spark of optimism, providing a counterpoint within a hopeful metaphor. One day, you may grow wings, but it's nothing more than a side effect of radiation, and they will be a useless deformation, not and escape.

I'm sure that I don't need to go over how great this album is. If you're a music fan on the internet, you already know that, or have at least heard something to that effect from another hyper-passionate fan, but if this has been a blindspot for you so far, I will be the 548th person to tell you: you need to listen to this album

18. Fall Out Boy - From Under the Cork Tree

Genre: Emo Pop-Punk Highlights: Dance, Dance, Sugar, We're Going Down, XO

This is quintessential emo pop punk. It's got the perfect blend of edge and catchiness that made that wave of music so compelling and divisive. As much as Fall Out Boy did essentially make the blueprint for that sound though, there is a uniqueness to them. The heavy emphasis on bass, constant musical shifts, and most of all Patrick Stump's soul-tinged vocals, all contribute to something that feels like more than a bland example of the genre.

On top of that, there is a perfect witty spite to the lyrics that are very rarely replicated by other bands, as much as they may have tried. When others would try, it often came across as bland woman-bashing which gave the movement as a whole a bad name as an especially misogynistic subculture. Now, I wouldn't dare take the stance that there was no misogyny to speak of, but if you take a look at the Mount Rushmore of the movement (My Chemical Romance, Paramore, Panic! At the Disco, and - most relevant to the topic at hand - Fall Out Boy), whenever there was woman-bashing, I for one always got the impression that it was about a single woman as opposed to women as a whole (with a couple notable exceptions from Panic! At the Disco with Lying Is the Most Fun a Girl Can Have Without Taking Her Clothes Off, and Paramore, with Misery Business).

My general point about this album is that it is very good at toeing all the lines it needs to. It goes far enough to make you feel something, but not far enough that you forget that it's not that deep, all the while being targeted well enough that it doesn't feel like it's perpetuating misogyny despite often being about criticism of women.

17. Alvvays - Antisocialites

Genre: Indie Pop Highlights: Saved By a Waif, Plimsoll Punks, Hey

I listed two flaws in Alvvays' first outing earlier in this list: the monotony and the general vibe of being rough around the edges, which didn't work for their sound. Well I'm happy to report that neither of those things are an issue here. I still wouldn't exactly describe this album as diverse (although it's definitely plenty for a runtime of just over half an hour), but the euphoria factory sound is so refined in this one. It feels like my brain is having a summer water fight where it substituted water with dopamine and also it's raining dopamine. And it gets better. Boy do I love music.

As I mentioned in the write-up of their self-titled album, I made a post about Alvvays' discography if you want some more in depth thoughts about this album and their other two. I'll only plug it one more time, I promise.

16. My Chemical Romance - Three Cheers for Sweet Revenge

Genre: Emo Pop-Punk Highlights: Ghost of You, Thank You for the Venom, I Never Told You What I Do for a Living

I could honestly just fill this write-up by getting the red string and push pins out and trying to string together the story of the album, deciphering what exactly is and isn't related to it, how the ones that are related progress the story, etc. but I don't feel especially qualified for that. I go through binges and fasts of My Chemical Romance, and do more fasting of this album than binging, so I don't have as much of a grasp on that as I'd like. That being said, the TL;DR is that the protagonist's wife dies, and he makes a deal with the devil to see her again after claiming the souls of 1000 evil people.

The music, for the most part, matches that grandiose, dark, theatrical concept perfectly, and manages to be a cathartic listen throughout, really giving as much intensity as possible to get you to that transcendent spot whilst not turning into sound sludge and (for most people) ruining the whole thing.

15. JPEGMAFIA & Danny Brown - SCARING THE HOES

Genre: Experimental Hip-Hop Highlights: Burfict!, God Loves You, Kingdom Hearts Key

Combining Peggy's maximalist production with Danny Brown's batshit... Well his batshit everything, it's verging on perfection. It might not have been my favourite album of the year, but it has almost certainly been my most replayed. The album has a really infectious energy, is short enough that you can get a quick front-to-back listen in with time to spare for the sequel EP, and has some really funny bars as a cherry on top too, most of which are on one of the highlights I chose: God Loves You. That song is bar after bar of dirty bible double entendres and puns, and to this day some of the lines crack me up.

You can just hear the fun these guys are having making this album in every single verse, and it really helps sell the whole over-the-top vibe. It's an album made with the thought of "what happens if two technically excellent rap artists come together to shitpost?" and the answer is a hip-hop masterpiece.

14. Kendrick Lamar - To Pimp a Butterfly

Genre: Jazz Rap Highlights: King Kunta, Wesley's Theory, i

At this point I'd like to remind anyone reading this that it's my personal opinion and I'm not claiming any objectivity in it. And I'd also like to remind people I put this at least 86 spots higher than Apple Music did.

Onto the actual album though, it is, of course, incredible. It's the album that properly opened up the genre of hip-hop to me. Before I heard this I picked out the very occasional album, but had issues with it resonating with me. I still had issues afterwards, but they were the sort of thing that goes away with pure exposure.

So this album was huge for my musical exploration, but what makes it so good? Well, there are plenty of reasons and plenty of people talking about those reasons. It's an insightful description of how institutional racism effects the way black Americans respond to success and Kendrick gets very introspective to achieve that end, it's got an infectious jazzy style, the poem building throughout the album is a very useful thread in making it more cohesive and is exceptionally executed with every song feeling very relevant to the new lines that precede it... It's an exceptional album, and well worth a listen regardless of who you are.

13. Model/Actriz - Dogsbody

Genre: Dance-punk, Industrial Rock Highlights: Donkey Show, Mosquito, Crossing Guard

This feels a little dirty. Putting Dogsbody ahead of TPAB, not Dogsbody itself. Dogsbody feels downright filthy. I've spoken a lot about this album, and I always describe it as some variation on the explanation that it sounds like gay men doing BDSM. It's rough, a little scary in a thrilling sort of way, it's sexy, and it's fun. It even has the aftercare at the end. And also it's gay... Obviously...

It comes right out the gate at a million miles an hour too, with the first four songs being an amazing summary of the album's sound. If the first half of this album were an EP, it may well be my favourite EP of all time, but fortunately it doesn't end so soon, because while the rest of the album doesn't quite reach that same height for the remainder of it's runtime for me, there are still highlights to come, and a loose narrative that gets a beautiful resolution on Sun In. That narrative is one of an unrequited love within a very physical relationship. A one-sided emotional investment, which, of course, becomes toxic. The narrator relies on the sexual side of the relationship like a crutch, not quite giving them everything they need, but giving them enough that they don't mind the emptiness. The concept is executed via very heady and strange symbolism, but that is what I've managed to glean from it. I'll leave the rest of the analysis to you.

12. Phoebe Bridgers - Punisher

Genre: sad girl indie Highlights: Chinese Satellite, Kyoto

If I'm being entirely honest, my favourite song from the album isn't in the highlights section. If you've heard the album, you already know what it is. I feel like recommending it outside of the context of the album, though, is placing it in a context in which it has one arm tied behind it's back. It should be little surprise that I'm talking about the closer here, it gives me chills every time it comes on now because it was such a glorious and powerful payoff to such a slow and serene album. The album didn't need a banger, but the contrast is what takes it from good to one of my favourite albums ever (my number 1 favourite at one point)

When listening to the album, it's clear why it inspired so many copycats. It's a sound that resonates with a dejected youth that often turns to sarcasm and humour when things feel especially hopeless. This is what extreme sadness sounds like to younger generations now: a sort of "yeah, that makes sense" mentality that comes with being constantly bombarded with negativity. It's not like you can be surprised things aren't going your way when very little in the world has ever seemed to. There's not much point in making a scene when everyone who can help you is convinced you're the fool in the play. And that also happens to resonate especially well with young women, who are constantly told to deny reality or accept their awful conditions. Of course, all marginalized groups get that to some extent, but it's usually in the form of denying that there is no systemic problem, or that in any individual instance it isn't informed by bigotry. In my experience, the denial that a negative thing even happened to someone is exceptionally rampant within misogyny specifically.

With all of that out of the way, though, I think that is much of the reason nothing hits quite like Punisher for me though. The resonant aesthetics are great, sure, but so often people copy the aesthetics they like without also integrating the meaning. On the surface, Phoebe Bridgers sings in a pretty rambly, conversational way, but if you pay attention, the actual thoughts beneath the aesthetics are impressively profound. The quick, funny, personable lines stick out on an aesthetic level, but fundamentally only serve as a seasoning. Whenever most other artists try the sad girl indie vibe, it comes off as hollow because they give all the seasoning and none of the actual food. Punisher, on the other hand, is a hearty, flavourful meal with everything you could ask for from this style of music and should not be overlooked.

11. Japanese Breakfast - Jubilee

Genre: Chamber Pop, Indie Pop Highlights: Paprika, Be Sweet, Savage Good Boy

I've already made a whole post about Jubilee (mostly Paprika though, to be honest), so I'll keep this relatively brief, but this album holds such a special place in my heart. It's clearly not in my top 10, but if you told me I could only listen to 5 albums ever again, this would be one of them. It's very strange to describe what makes this special though. I know it is something to do with it's relationship to joy, but it's not like it's a happy album. There are happy songs, for sure (Paprika, my beloved), but it's about 50/50 when it comes to happiness and sadness. I mean, all the happiness Paprika musters is entirely undone by the emotional wrecking ball that is In Hell, for starters.

I think what the relationship to joy is is a sort of impression you get listening to the album that there is happiness in even the most awful situations. Sometimes it may be deeply buried, but it feels as though this album urges you to keep digging in a very implicit way. It's not explicitly about you persevering, it's about Michelle Zauner persevering and the rewards she got for it. It doesn't push expectations on you, it doesn't assume to know what you're going through, what you're capable of, or what is best for you, it sort of sneakily lets you know "hey, it's an option to keep pushing through and staying positive. This is how it benefited me." And I think that is, in most cases, more powerful than a simple "keep going".

I lied about keeping it brief, but believe me, I tried to.

10. The Smiths - The Queen Is Dead

Genre: Jangle Pop Highlights: There Is a Light That Never Goes Out, The Queen Is Dead, Bigmouth Strikes Again

Everything about this album screams indie pop masterpiece, from the driving drums on the opener and title track, to the back to back dour songs I Know It's Over and Never Had No One Ever, to some of the jangliest songs The Smiths have ever put out like The Boy With the Thorn In His Side, everything feels so classic and so influential. Even some of the bonus tracks on the deluxe edition are downright iconic. Asleep, Rubber Ring, Unloveable... All great. It feels almost as though they were destined to make a must-listen indie pop album and the gods bestowed them with some sort of artistic steroids to make that destiny manifest.

Chances are you've heard of The Smiths, and seeing as this album is just them at their best, it's hard to talk about it without getting too in-depth or too cursory, so I'll describe what makes The Smiths special for anyone who may have a blind spot there. Most of what they do is simply about excelling in the fundamentals of musicianship, with Morrissey being a spectacular lyricist, Johnny Marr being the best indie guitarist of all time, and bassist Andy Rourke and Mike Joyce on drums holding everything down well in the rhythm section to allow the other two legendary musicians to shine their brightest. That all makes for a great band, of course, but if it were just a bunch of really skilled musicians doing nothing special I don't think the band would have such status and staying power. The true value I see in The Smiths comes from the outsider vibe they portray, particularly within Morrissey's lyrics and vocal stylings. It is such a distinctive style that rarely gets mimicked very well, which has allowed them to remain unique, still retaining that outsider air about them while being popular enough to carry a torch for those outsiders on a wide scale without losing that exact power. That's what The Smiths are all about, and this album is the greatest example of that in their discography.

9. Everything Everything - Get To Heaven

Genre: Progressive Pop Highlights: To The Blade, Distant Past

I have a very strange relationship to this album. It's a relationship I do share with other albums, but not nearly to this extent. That relationship is defined by a retrospective lack of enthusiasm (although no lack of appreciation), but punctuated with an in-the-moment revelation every single time I listen to the album of just how much I loved it all along. No more intensely experienced was that exact dynamic than when I noticed that, by my album ratings, this album ended up on the shortlist for this very top 40. I wasn't antagonistic at all towards the prospect, just a little taken aback and half-expecting it to fall out of the top 40 pretty quickly. But as is always the case, I was swiftly corrected.

The album touches on all sorts of political and cultural strife in very abstract ways, but taken as a whole it is very much about the radicalization of a character into a terrorist organization. The narrative doesn't stick too close to that concept following the climax, but still remains tangentially and emotionally connected to political extremism and fear.

That narrative doesn't just stop at the lyrics being about political extremism and radicalization, the synthetic soundscape recalls the digital world where most of that radicalization takes place, and the occasionally confusing and cryptic execution of said lyrics mirrors the feelings of a young person getting whipped up into the chaotic, often nonsensical and contradictory frenzies of the right wing. It is very thorough in it's depiction of the process by which these people often come to do terrible things which makes for an incredible listen and I hope I've learned my lesson about forgetting that.

8. underscores - Wallsocket

Genre: Indietronica, Electropop, Indie Rock Highlights: Cops and robbers

I think now is a good time to quickly go over the two ways I've noticed I can adore an album: one of those ways is by an album seeming as though it couldn't have possibly been created by a person, even a group of people. As if it must have been passed down to the musician who claims ownership over it by some divine power. The other way is a clearly imperfect album where the imperfections somehow just make it even more lovable, because it could have only been made by a human. You'll see that dynamic throughout the list, but especially in the top 5.

This album is not close to perfect. It's a little erratic. underscores tries too much to maintain too much cohesion. Some of the lyrics are a little awkward. But somehow, none of that matters, it just adds to the album in a weird way, gives it a certain charm. That being said though, there is plenty to both love and appreciate too, such as the very online production which provides the vast majority of what little cohesion there is throughout the record, and the very diverse and strange subject matters that get touched on here. There's such a unique personality to the album that you can't help but recognize the humanity in it, and I think that's what makes my connection to this album so strong.

7. My Chemical Romance - The Black Parade

Genre: Emo Pop-Punk Highlights: Welcome to the Black Parade, I Don't Love You, Disenchanted

The Black Parade is undeniably the quintessential album of the movement and possibly even has a claim to the quintessential album of the era. I don't think there was a rock fan of the time that didn't know about My Chemical Romance, and I don't think there's a single person who was alive in it's hay day whose emotional dam could withstand the power of that G note. And that's the thing with My Chemical Romance (on this album especially): they are just so emotionally resonant. Whether that emotion is toxic anger and hatred, or whether it's joy, sadness, or the overwhelming nostalgia, you can't help but feel something in response to a Black Parade song.

As you are probably well aware at this point, the album isn't for everybody. It is very much a rock album and is very much sincere, and tends to actively go against the genre's typical clichés in some way. Gerard Way doesn't seem badass, and you probably won't feel badass listening to this album. It isn't really into glorifying moral and emotional shortcomings or even really accepting them. It is actively introspective, from the perspective of an awful man (one which seems to represent the typical macho and troubled-in-a-cool-way character that uninspired rock lyricists portray) facing death and losing hope at a shot of redemption, but who eventually, in my reading, attempts to face death with the grace and sincere love that was lacking in his life.

Many people write off this movement as hollow self-loathing (I even saw someone confidently compare Machine Gun Kelly's lyrics to My Chemical Romance and Fall Out Boy which was baffling to say the least), but you really do get what you give when it comes to the movement's big three (My Chemical Romance, Fall Out Boy, and Paramore. Let's be real, Panic! have like two albums and no one can even agree which two)

6. David Bowie - ★

Genre: Experimental Rock Highlights: ★, Lazarus

You can't talk about this album without talking about the unfortunate death of one of music's greatest legends. I don't know how the death of the man David Jones was handled. I'm sure it was with great love, care, and no spared expense. But I do know that the superstar David Bowie went out on his own terms. Even when the album isn't explicitly about mortality, you feel the ghost of the man. It reads as though he's looking back on his life and his regrets, coming to terms with the fact that there will forever be unfinished business in his life.

It is enviable in a sense though. All of us have to die (for now), and that's always going to be painful to those around us, and ourselves in our approach. But not many of us get to make our own headstones. And that is exactly how I'd describe ★. A beautiful headstone over the grave of one of music's most influential figures. So if you can stand the morbidity of it, come and appreciate the craftsmanship, the ode to one's own life, and pay your respects. It really is an experience that I believe transcends personal tastes, even if the music itself doesn't appeal to you enough to revisit, the album as a unified project, I believe, is a universally affecting experience.

5. Kendrick Lamar - good kid, m.A.A.d city

Genre: West Coast Hip-Hop Highlights: good kid, m.A.A.d city, Sing About Me, I'm Dying of Thirst

There's one particular reason I love this album so much. Song for song it's very good, but maybe not top 5 for me. Thematically it's great, but far from something that'd resonate with me this much. The thing about this album that makes me love it this much is that it is an absolute masterclass in sequencing. Even with what I'd consider a noticeably flawed tracklist with a few songs that don't quite hit for me, there is no point where I was listening to this album and didn't feel very engaged.

The sequencing here appears to bend time, making you feel at the halfway point as if you've barely gotten started but somehow still been given almost an album's worth of thoughts already. And that might lead you to believe that it's overwhelming, but that is somehow not the case either. You'll need a few listens to properly take everything in, but it feels as though you're allowed to engage and disengage at will with the lyrics and concepts.

Essentially, my thoughts come down to the idea that as a collection of songs it's slightly lacking by the standards of a top 5 album and by the standards set by Kendrick himself, but it is redeemed and then some by the fact that it captures the essence of an album perfectly. If you don't typically listen to albums and don't understand what separates them from any old collection of songs, this album is the one I'll point to as an example of the exceptionality of the format. The flow of the album, the stories, the immersion... None of that can be matched.

4. black midi - Hellfire

Genre: Avant Prog Highlights: Sugar/Tzu, Welcome To Hell, The Race Is About To Begin

If you're looking for an intense, overwhelming-yet-satisfying listen, look no further than black midi, and Hellfire in particular. I've talked a lot about this album in the past, and I always go back to the first time I heard it and the same description: it felt like I was shot up to heaven to see the face of god and shot back down to earth. It went beyond your typical transcendent experience and into the territory where you start to feel you'll never be the same again.

Unfortunately, that faded with repeat listens as I've come to know these songs inside and out, but it remains an invigorating and awe-striking experience. The initial reaction can be put down to the breakneck speed of the music, with every instrument seemingly existing just to keep you struggling to keep up and wrap your head around their parts. The repeated experience, however, comes down to things like the lyrics and themes of the album. It gives listeners so much to dig into, and when you consider the lower-than-average runtime, it becomes truly impressive how densely packed this album is.

As the title would suggest, the album depicts all manner of evil, from fearmongering on the opener, to war on Welcome To Hell, to complex exploitation on Eat Men Eat, there is so much to explore within a cohesive package.

And somehow it was my third favourite album from that year

3. Black Country, New Road - Ants From Up There

Genre: Art Rock, Chamber Pop Highlights: Good Will Hunting, The Place Where He Inserted The Blade

The second album of the 2022 ten trifecta has a weirdly similar vibe to the first (that being the previous album, Hellfire), but if I were to describe the differences, the albums would be total opposites. Other than the fact it's hard to conceive of the process by which they were made, Hellfire goes at blazing speeds while AFUT pulls back, Hellfire channels chaos where AFUT goes for a more considered style, Hellfire makes it's points quickly and moves on but AFUT takes it's time to build it's narratives. And yet, I've scarcely seen a fan of one that isn't a fan of the other. It's a strange connection these two albums share, which makes it fitting that they are right beside eachother on this list.

Onto Ants From Up There specifically though, the album is defined by a simmering patience and desperation. Thematically depicting a relationship strained by distance, physical and emotional, but in which one side is dependent on the other. Of course, this relationship is bound to fall apart, and the album spirals into a hopeless angst fueled by regret and shame.

As you can tell, it's not a happy listen, but if you can make it through the gargantuan 12 minute closer Basketball Shoes without the album leaving an impact on you, I'm not exactly sure how. After all we go through with the protagonist, when Isaac Wood belts the words "All I've been forms the drone we sing the rest // Your generous loan to me // Your crippling interest" hit like a truck going 100 miles per hour.

In general, the lyrics throughout this album depict overdependence in a very thoughtful and heartbreaking way. It feels as though it is acknowledged that the relationship can't go on for the sake of the immature party, but regardless, the pain felt by that person is very real, and you feel all of that here. The understanding and the frustration.

2. Alvvays - Blue Rev

Genre: Indie Pop, Dream Pop, Jangle Pop Highlights: After The Earthquake, Pressed, Tile By Tile

Picking highlights for this album was a bitch.

Completing two trifectas on this list at once, we have the final Alvvays album, and the final of my three albums from 2022 I consider 10s. I mentioned earlier the two ways an album can end up meaning this much to me (although you'd be forgiven for not reading that, this is a long list with a lot of writing): first, you have the perfect, flawless albums that feel handed down by the gods. Then there's albums like Blue Rev.

The album isn't flawless. The mastering isn't too great, for example, and Many Mirrors is pretty far from the standard I find the album is usually operating at (an 8 amongst 9s and 10s, nothing major, but a noticeable outlier). But somehow, all the flaws I find make me love it even more. It's as if the album has more personality the more flaws I recognize, and I think that's all about the euphoria that Alvvays are so capable of creating. When the music makes you feel this good, there is no flaw that can bring it down. There is always that simple, invincible rebuttal of "and yet...".

For the final plug, I'll once again bring attention to my Alvvays retrospective for anyone who wants more in-depth thoughts on this incredible love letter to indie pop and all it's subgenres.

1. Radiohead - In Rainbows

Genre: Art Rock, Alternative Rock Highlights: Weird Fishes / Arpeggi, Jigsaw Falling Into Place, Videotape

I would be downright baffled if anyone needed me to tell them that this album is phenomenal. It's seen by many a music community as one of the greatest albums of all time. I couldn't possibly go over all the reasons it's beloved by so many, but here are a few of my reasons for loving it enough to consider it my favourite album.

The first thing I feel I should touch on here is the warmth of this album. It feels like being wrapped inside a warm cocoon, with the sounds of every change in your morphing body reverberating off the walls, with the sounds themselves being a mangled reflection of what was once beautiful and natural.

That metaphor (or simile, I guess?) came to me while writing it, but it's honestly very fitting, and not just in the abstract representation of all the sounds and feelings that this album represents to me. It's also fitting in that the album seems to have a running theme of impermanence. The opener, 15 Step, is about the panic of realizing that you yourself are temporary; that your very self will one day cease to exist. Bodysnatchers represents someone whose self-hood is unfixed and ephemeral. Nude doesn't fit the theme unless you consider an opposition to change as a subversion of it, but then Weird Fishes / Arpeggi acts as a counterpoint in ways to that apathetic stubbornness ("Why should I stay here? Why should I stay?"). I could go on, but I don't want to linger on this point, picking out every example. That being said though, that theme ties everything together in a very subtle way. Subtle enough that I only picked up on it this past listen, and I've been listening to this album front-to-back, intently, several times a year for about 5 years now, but I think I always picked up on the similar thematic vibe subconsciously.

One final note to end on...

I recognize that this post is a very long one, but I wanted my proper comeback to be something big. In the future though, I'll be looking to split things up a bit more, starting with a The Cure retrospective that I've already begun working on. I'll also start an alternate blog for more laid-back thoughts about music, starting with my thoughts on these types of lists in general, which is a topic I've been thinking about since Apple Music astounded people with it's bad takes on it's own top 100 while I was in the process of making this post. Once I post that, I'll edit this post with a link. (Here's the link) Thanks for your time and I hope this helps you find an album that you like, or prompts you to revisit an old favourite!

[spectres-scribbles]

Countdown

Prologue

May 3040

“It’s over, right?” Erend asked as he hugged Aloy from the side as the squad gathered around each other, reunited and victorious.

Aloy said nothing, for now.

Let them revel in this hard-earned victory. They’d earned it.

The truth could wait for a few days, until they were back at the Base.

“Let’s get out of here, shall we?” She said instead.

Enthusiastic agreements met that question and together, the squad retraced their steps out of the base, eager to be gone from the place.

- - - - - - - - - -

They set up camp once they were back on the mainland so that they could tend to their injuries.

Unsurprisingly, Sylens continued on his way up the coast without stopping or saying anything other than a quick “I’ll be in contact” to Aloy.

“Where’s he going?” Erend asked, watching the fake-Banuk’s Charger disappear into the darkness.

“Tilda’s mansion, I think.” Aloy responded. “It’s just up the coast from here.”

“What for?”

“Knowing him, he’s probably going to start going through the base, now that the Zeniths are no longer a threat.”

“More shiny toys for him to play with?”

“I guess we’ll see.” Aloy responded with a shrug.

“What was he talking about, with that whole ‘You people will need my help’ bit, anyway?” Erend commented.

Aloy and Beta shared a look at that.

They’d hoped to wait, but now that the question had been asked, there was no way that they could blow it off completely.

“We thought the fight was over with the Zeniths, but in truth, it’s barely just begun.” Aloy told the group.

“Barely begun?” Kotallo repeated. “What do you mean?”

“We’ll explain it all when we get back to Base. I’m still trying to wrap my head around it all, in truth.”

“Must be serious if even you’re having trouble with it.” Erend noted.

“Understatement of the century,” Aloy mirthlessly told her Oseram friend. “For now, we focus on getting back to Base, then we plan our next move.”

τ - ι - κ - μ - χ - θ

After Zo had checked her and cleared her, Beta went straight to work, beginning to check GAIA’s rig. Shortly after, Aloy found her when she was cleared as well.

“The rig seems okay, no external damage.” Beta reported as Aloy approached her. “I haven’t started any diagnostics on GAIA herself, though.”

Despite the clinical air she was trying to project, Aloy seemed to sense that something was bothering her sister, for she reached out to put a hand on the younger clone’s shoulder. “Hey, you okay?”

Without warning, Beta turned away from the rig to bury herself in Aloy’s arms.

“He was my first real friend,” Beta murmured thickly into Aloy’s neck.

Unlike the others, Beta hadn’t had any chance to mourn Varl. Literally the minute the Zeniths returned to the base, they’d shoved Beta into the chair, chained her, and forced her to work on integrating HEPHAESTUS into GAIA. Whatever little rest she had, she was tortured via virtual reality dissociation.

Gerard had even used Varl’s murder to crush Beta’s spirits so that she wouldn’t try to fight what she was being forced to do, which had anguished her to no end. It had only been when Aloy contacted her via Tilda’s data channel that she had regained some hope, enough to hold on until Aloy and her other friends had come for her.

“I know.” Aloy murmured back, trying to comfort Beta, but feeling awkward while doing it. “I’m sorry I was so impatient and ignorant back then. I treated you the way I was, and I shouldn’t have.”

“Did you guys…?” Beta quietly asked but was unable to finish the sentence.

“Yeah, we buried and held a funeral for him.” Aloy answered with a nod. “It was the main reason why we took so long to rescue you once I stopped Regalla and her army from slaughtering Hekarro and forced Sylens to join us. His memorial is outside the eastern exit to the Base-”

“So he can see Plainsong and the Sacred Lands like he and Zo liked to do.” Beta finished, nodding. “I’m glad.”

“Dinner’s ready!” Zo, who turned her focus to the evening meal after having finished the squad’s medical exams, announced from her place at the campfire.

Aloy pulled back a little to look at Beta. “Hungry?”

“Starving.”

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

Their meal was quick and easy: Beanweed Bites with canteens of water to wash it down. It wasn’t much, but it was enough to sate everyone’s hunger. Even Erend, who preferred ale to water, didn’t complain, glad to have food in his belly.

“You can have that when we’re back at Base.” Zo told him with a roll of her eyes, earning a chuckle from the rest of the squad as they rolled out their bedrolls.

Aloy tasked her two Clawstriders to watch duty patrolling the area around their camp to act as a deterrent for troublemakers, while the Sunwing perched in nearby ruins for a bird’s eye view of the area. Their herd of Chargers were grazing peacefully nearby but would react to fight alongside the Combat machines if there was trouble during the night.

With all that done, Aloy turned her focus to her own bedding. As she was doing that, Beta approached her.

“Can I sleep with you?” Beta asked Aloy timidly, as around them, the rest of the squad got settled for bed around the campfire. “I just… don’t think I can… I don’t want to be alone…”

Beta could still see Erik Visser stabbing Varl, hear his taunting words to the Nora Brave as the light had left Varl’s eyes, every single time she closed her own.

The psychological torment she’d endured was still too fresh, and she needed a physical connection with her kin to anchor her and keep the darkness at bay, to show her that all of this was real and not a figment of her mind.

That her sister and her other friends had really come for her and ended the Zeniths, once and for all.

“Yeah, of course. Not a problem.” Aloy didn’t hesitate to nod her head, understanding her twin’s trauma, raising the blanket so Beta could climb in.

It wasn’t long before the sisters drifted off to sleep, Beta clinging to Aloy’s arm that rested between them to ground herself.

- - - - - - - - - -

Beta’s sleep didn’t last.

Sometime in the night, the younger clone bolted upright in bed, screaming out in terror, which quickly woke the rest of the camp.

“Wha’s happening?” Erend asked, sitting up but still mostly asleep, as he frantically grabbed blindly for his warhammer. “Who’s attacking?!”

Zo scowled at him. “Stow your hammer, Erend. We’re not under attack.”

“Then why…?”

“Why do you think, given what the Zeniths were doing to Beta? She had a nightmare.”

“Easy, sister. Easy.” Aloy murmured softly to Beta, mostly ignoring the exchange between Zo and Erend, sitting up and gathering the younger woman in her arms to offer physical comfort to her sister. “You’re safe, Beta. You’re safe.”

“The Zeniths…” Beta whimpered out.

“Are dead. They can’t hurt you anymore.” Aloy assured.

“Or any of us.” Alva said softly as she sat down beside Aloy and Beta and began to rub Beta’s back to offer further comfort. “We all made sure of that.”

Eventually, Beta calmed down, but it was a while before sleep claimed her again.

Alva and Aloy stayed with her the entire time, even as the rest of the squad dozed off around them, offering comfort and assurance until she felt safe enough to try again.

“Thank you for that,” Aloy said softly to Alva as she lowered Beta back to the bedroll.

“Don’t mention it.” Alva replied just as softly as she went back to her own bedroll. “I imagine that it’s going to take some time for her to feel completely safe again after what she was put through. Makes you wish you could strangle the shitheads, doesn’t it?”

Aloy could just make out Alva’s scowl as she got settled back in her own bed, and couldn’t help but grin a little at how well and truly stirred up the Quen Diviner was on Beta’s behalf, as she only swore like that when she was really pissed off and didn’t care about being polite.

“Oh, strangling would only be the start of what I’d do to them if I could, trust me.” Aloy replied darkly before trying to clear her mind so that she could also get some more sleep. “Night.”

“Goodnight.” Alva replied.

Sleep didn’t claim Aloy again for a while after that as well, but she contented herself with watching Beta as she did, glad that the younger clone at least was getting her much needed rest.

- - - - - - - - - -

The next three days were spent travelling, their pace steady to give injuries time to heal.

Beta rode with Aloy on one of her Clawstriders, cuddled up to her elder’s back, occasionally drifting off to sleep as they journeyed.

They stopped at Fenrise the first night, Gattak happily welcoming them into the settlement and giving then food and beds for the night, and The Grove the second, where Hekarro was relieved to see Aloy and her squad return in one piece, and had happily put them up for the night as well.

From there, they made the final push to the Base.

Throughout the entire trip, it was clear that the questions about what Aloy had said about the fight having only just begun burned bright in the minds of the rest of the squad, but they respected Aloy’s need to be given a chance to wrap her head around the revelation of Nemesis and kept their talk inconsequential and light.

Even when they got back to Base, Aloy and Beta were given their space, Beta focusing on restoring GAIA after Erend and Aloy had brought the rig inside, though the squad did come together to celebrate their victory against the Zeniths with a feast the following night after their return, the feast food coming from every tribe to represent their unified efforts against their enemy.

Initially, Aloy just watched her friends enjoy the celebrations from the sidelines, not really participating herself, but eventually, Erend dragged her in, before raising a toast to their success, and she gave in and joined the revelry.

When she had retired for the night, she’d hung Elisabet’s and Rost’s pendants side by side on their display rack, contemplating them as she thought about the battle that was coming, before someone knocking on her door pulled her out of those thoughts.

Beta was on the other side, a blanket and pillow roll in her arms, and Aloy didn’t hesitate to let her in.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

There’s another battle ahead, Elisabet.

Very different from the one you fought.

It’s not about the distant hope of creating a new world, it’s about preserving the one we have.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

The next day, the group gathered in GAIA’s chamber after lunch, where Aloy delivered the news about Nemesis to her friends.

“Fire and spit!” Erend exclaimed as Aloy finished speaking.

The rest of the group, sans Beta, were likewise stunned.

“How in the name of the Ten are we supposed to fight such a thing?” Kotallo breathed out, tearing his gaze from the digital representation of Nemesis that GAIA was projecting for the squad to look at Aloy.

“I don’t know, honestly.” Aloy earnestly told her friends. “But this is why Sylens is going through the Zenith base; in the hopes of finding something - anything - that may help us fight it.

“When will it arrive?” Alva asked.

“According to GAIA’s calculations; sometime between May 3041 and December 3042. It should be noted that GAIA hasn’t detected it yet, as Nemesis is too far out of range of what she can hear right now. That range is based on a few assumptions about how long the Zeniths were planning to stay here. Once she detects it, she estimates that we’ll have about six months to finish up preparations for it.”

“And what’s happening with HEPHAESTUS? Are we going to try and capture it again?” Zo queried.

“HEPH’s going to be a bit of a wild card.” Beta spoke now. “Contact with the Zenith network will likely have supercharged it, giving it access to new technologies, tools and upgrades.”

“So we’re going to see even more deadly and dangerous machines popping up from now on? Lovely.” Erend drawled.

“Even though the merge with GAIA was aborted, she was able to copy some of the original HEPH code base. On top of that, Sylens has already extracted some extremely helpful data from the Zenith copy of APOLLO. Combined, these developments should enable GAIA to exert significantly more influence over the terraforming system.” Beta informed the squad. “She won't be able to take direct control of machines, or stop HEPH from building new combat units. But she estimates that by deploying a variety of workarounds, she can stabilize the biosphere within a year. So we don't all die, at least not before Nemesis arrives.”

“But to answer your question; since GAIA now has some of HEPH's source code, we should be able to develop new strategies to contain it.” Beta told Zo. “It'll take time, of course, since HEPH will likely write Omega Clearance out of its code like it did with Alpha Clearance, if it hasn’t already, so a repeat of GEMINI is out of the question.”

“So what’s the plan?” Erend asked Aloy.

“Right now, getting word out to the tribes about the coming threat is paramount.” Aloy told the group. “We need to find allies that can help and are willing to fight when the time comes. We need to be united, all of us, if we’re going to stand a chance at stopping this thing.”

“I can talk to Morlund. His family is well known in the Claim, so, between the two of us, we should be able to grab some people’s attention.” Erend offered after a few moments of thought.

“I’ll return to Landfall to inform Bohai.” Alva told the squad. “I’m sure he’ll want to return to the Delta now that the storms won’t sink what ships we have left. He’ll speak to the Emperor on our behalf.”

“And what about you? Will you go as well?” Erend asked Alva.

Alva shook her head. “I can’t, in good conscience, leave now, not knowing what’s coming. Like Aloy said; we have to fight this thing together. I choose to stay and fight. For my sister, for my parents, for my people.”

“Thank you.” Aloy said to Alva sincerely. “I know it won’t be easy to stay when the ships set sail.”

“I came to this land to find a way to save my family. I can’t leave now.” Alva reiterated. “And I’m sure that once the word spreads through Landfall, I won’t be the only one who’ll make that same choice.”

“I would like to give Bohai one of our Focuses before he departs, however, so that we can expand the network to the Delta, once GAIA’s completely up and running again, if that’s okay?” Alva continued, turning to Aloy to make her request.

Aloy nodded her head. “Of course. Take as many as you want. The same goes for the rest of you when you go. We need to start expanding the network with allies that we can call on when Nemesis arrives.”

“He’ll find a way to use it to his advantage with the Board of Overseers, I don’t doubt it.” Alva warned, regarding Bohai. “No Diviner in the history of the tribe has ever had access to a later model Focus before now, and he’ll exploit that to the fullest. But I’m sure that he will petition the Emperor for aid.”

“I figured as much.” Aloy nodded, having expected that Bohai would do as Alva described, but was willing to turn a blind eye to it if it meant that the Quen homeland would be warned of the threat and potentially send help. “Do you think the Emperor will listen?”

“To be honest, I don’t know. But I hope so.” Alva freely admitted.

“Time will tell, I guess.” Aloy responded.

“The Chorus will likely take some time to convince, but I’m sure that I can do it.” Zo spoke next. “Then I’ll head east, to the Sacred Lands. I owe it to Varl to tell his mother of what happened to him, and about her coming grandchild. And to tell the Nora of the coming threat.”

Erend looked to Aloy in surprise at this. “You’re not going to tell them?”

“I’ll have to face them at some point, being the Anointed, but for now, I’ll be staying here.” The Nora huntress replied. “I’ll have to head back east at some point, to speak with the Banuk about Nemesis, so I’ll probably visit the Embrace then. Of all the tribes, the Nora are probably going to be the trickiest to communicate with, since they’ll more then likely refuse to wear a Focus, outside of a few brave souls.”

Aloy quietly wondered if Teb, or even Nakoa, might consider it.

She’d have to see when she went there.

“Just be mindful, you might not get the warmest reception when they learn of your pregnancy, with it being unsanctioned. Especially with Varl being the War-Chief’s son.” Aloy warned Zo.

“Varl warned me when we started trying to have a child, that he’d face the wrath of the Nora for it, and me as well, because of that.” Zo nodded. “I’m prepared for whatever they throw at me. But thank you, for thinking of me.”

Aloy smiled. “It’s what friends do, right?”

“We owe you for stopping Regalla’s slaughter, as well as for what would have happened if she had succeeded.” Kotallo spoke last. “The Chief wants to repay that debt. The Tenakth will answer your call.”

Aloy nodded back, even as a plan started to form in her mind for something she could do to help Hekarro and the Marshals to rally and unify the Tenakth.

The Focus network would be part one of her plan.

Mentally shaking her head, and stowing those thoughts for later, Aloy focused her thoughts back on the meeting. “All of you, be careful, okay? Don’t hesitate to reach out if you need help, and I’ll do what I can. And if you don’t mind, I’d like to have squad meetings via holo every couple of weeks for us to keep checking in with each other for status reports and the like.”

The squad didn’t hesitate to agree to that request, deeming it essential going forward.

With the meeting done, the squad trickled out, no doubt to start their various preparations for their departure the following day.

“The fellowship is breaking up.” Beta murmured to Aloy after the others had gone and it was only them and GAIA left, clearly saddened by what was happening, even if it was necessary.

The squad were family to each other now, as well as the first real friends Beta had ever had.

It would be so different, for both of them, walking around Base from now on and not hearing Erend’s music at full blast, or helping Zo with meal preparation, or playing Machine Strike with Kotallo, or talking with Varl about whatever latest thing he’d been reading up on, or helping Alva with her research.

“For now, we are.” Aloy replied, hugging her sister from the side. “But I’ve no doubt that when Nemesis arrives, we’ll all come back together again to face it.”

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

My friends have a new mission - to spread the word and ask for help.

They’ve taken it in stride.

I think it’s because they’ve always known what I’ve only just started to understand.

That the people of this world have the strength to fight any battle, the ingenuity to solve any problem, the courage to overcome any obstacle. And the resilience to rise after any setback.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

After having one last breakfast together, the squad, sans Aloy and Beta, began to depart.

Kotallo and Zo were the first to leave.

“A word? Aloy asked Kotallo as he was collecting his things from his room.

“How can I help?” Kotallo asked.

“I’m not sure what the Tenakth do regarding the dead, but I was wondering if Hekarro would want Regalla’s body, if we can find it?” Aloy asked, getting to the point.

“For all the heinous things she did, she did redeem herself in the end.” Kotallo replied. “I believe the Chief will want to bury her with full honours at the Grove.”

Aloy nodded her head. “Meet me at the Sunwing site above Base when you’re ready to go.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Overriding all three Sunwings without them attacking each other took timing, and a little bit of luck, but Aloy succeeded just in time.

To say that Kotallo was stunned when he emerged to find Aloy standing by one of the newly tamed machines would be an understatement.

< < < JTF-10 > > >

“Commander?” The Marshal asked, even as his heart began to soar at what he thought was happening.

“It’s yours.” Aloy told him, gesturing at the machine, confirming Kotallo’s thoughts. “I figured that if you’re to spread the word among the Tenakth about Nemesis, that you’d need a little help.”

Kotallo was speechless for a few moments.

Aloy had seen the harm the wrong people could do with tamed machines.

That she trusted him like this, giving him his own Wings of the Ten…

“You honour me, Aloy.” Kotallo, finding his voice, bowed deeply to his commanding officer.

“I’m assuming that Hekarro and the other Marshals would also appreciate their own Sunwings?” Aloy asked, but Kotallo could see that she already knew the answer, knowing what she did about how the Tenakth revered the Wings of the Ten.

Already, many Tenakth were calling Aloy ‘She Who Flies on the Wings of the Ten’ for what she had done stopping Regalla’s attack on the Grove, and Hekarro had mentioned to Kotallo, during the GAIA Gang’s stopover there days prior, that the tribe’s Painters were planning on coming together to paint a mural in the Grove to honour Aloy’s heroic actions.

“To help get the tribe ready? Most definitely.” Kotallo responded, his mind already imagining how things would change going forward.

The combination of the Sunwings and the Focus network would make the Marshals far more effective in their jobs, allowing them to travel the Clan Lands quicker than before and also be able to report back to the clan Commanders and Hekarro without having to return to a clan’s capital or the Grove in order to do so, and would make them considerably more formidable against the remnants of Regalla’s rebels, or any other trouble-makers, if they tried to act against the Chief or the tribe again.

“It’ll probably take me a week or two to override the rest and deliver them to the Grove.” Aloy told him, partially in warning.

“That’s fine.” Kotallo assured. “It’s better that you take your time doing this.”

Kotallo understood that the process could be tricky if Aloy was trying to tame more then one machine at a time, that a tamed machine could start attacking wild ones due to its programming being changed before she’d moved on to the next.

“Alright then. Ready to learn how to fly?”

All Tenakth dreamed of being able to do this, of flying in the air like the Ten had once done.

That it was becoming a reality for him…

“I was born ready.”

- - - - - - - - - -

Kotallo was a natural, as it turned out, mastering the basics of flying fairly quickly, and before long, he and Aloy, along with the two spare Sunwings, were on their way back to the Zenith base, Kotallo smiling subtly the whole time, clearly revelling in what he was doing, of the feeling of the wind on his face.

- - - - - - - - - -

Once they were flying over the base, they were greeted with an unexpected site; the previously pristine printer was now a smoking ruin of twisted metal.

“HEPHAESTUS’s work?” Kotallo asked Aloy.

“Or Gerard’s, to prevent it from spitting out any more Zero Dawn machines.” Aloy surmised. “Either way, it’s one good thing in our favour. Nemesis won’t be able to use it against us.”

“That’s certainly true.” Kotallo agreed.

“Though I suspect that that will only be a temporary setback for it, if it really wants to use it.” Aloy added realistically.

Kotallo chuckled.

It was typical of Aloy to see all sides, but that was what made her such a good leader: because she took everything into account.

Though that also worked against her, when something occurred that she hadn’t planned for, like Varl’s death, and she acted like it was her personal failure that she’d failed to predict everything.

“There is that.” The Marshal agreed.

After that, it wasn’t long before they arrived at their destination, finding a small mound of Spectre corpses and some debris waiting for them.

“A fitting death, indeed.” Kotallo commented as he took in the sight. “But how are we going to get to Regalla’s body?”

Aloy answered with action, flying her Sunwing to the topmost Specter and used her machine to start shifting the felled machine by gripping one of it’s arms in the Sunwing’s talons and pulling it down one side of the mound.

Kotallo quickly followed his commander’s lead on the other side.

- - - - - - - - - -

In the end, they moved one shy of a dozen machines before they found Regalla’s battered body, mostly intact, her greatsword broken on the ground beside her.

Aloy steered her Sunwing away from the site to land in a clear spot nearby so that she could dismount, taking something from her machine’s back before she approached the fallen woman.

Kotallo also landed his Sunwing in a clear space and followed Aloy in.

“Give me a hand?” Aloy asked Kotallo as she dropped what she was carrying on the ground, revealing that it was a bag of some sort as she unzipped and opened it up, though it looked big enough that Regalla’s body would fit inside. “I don’t think I can lift her body on my own.”

“You take her legs.” Kotallo directed as he bent to slip his arms under the body’s shoulders and Aloy did the same on her end. “On three. One… Two… Three.”

Between the two of them, they manoeuvred the body into the waiting bag.

Afterwards, as Aloy was rigging up grips for the Sunwing to carry the body with from her grapple rope, Kotallo gathered up Regalla’s sword, and her mask, and placed them in the bag as well before Aloy zipped it up.

Once Aloy was sure that her knot-work was secure, she stood to face Kotallo.

“You want to carry her, or me?”

“I will.” Kotallo volunteered.

With a nod of her head, Aloy gestured to Kotallo’s Sunwing, indicating that he should mount up. “I’ll help you take hold.”

Nodding back, the Marshal mounted his machine and took to the air, bringing it to hover where Aloy was waiting, holding up the grips until Kotallo’s Sunwing had a good grasp on them, then she stepped back out of the downdraught.

“Alright, take her up a bit so I can see if the rope will hold.” Aloy called up to him. “I’d rather test it now while we’re close to the ground then when we’re on our way back and high in the sky.”

‘Wise.” Kotallo returned with a nod, before doing as Aloy asked.

After a few minutes of hovering in the air, and seeing that the rope was still holding strong, Aloy nodded her head, then made her way back to her own waiting Sunwing.

“Ready to get out of here?” She asked once she was also in the air.

“More than ready.”

With a chuckle, Aloy recalled the spare Sunwings, who had been set to a patrolling watch once Aloy and Kotallo had started excavating for Regalla’s remains, and then they were on their way back to the mainland.

- - - - - - - - - -

As they flew, Kotallo studied the aftermath of the battle beneath them as they passed, the sparking heaps of machines - Specter and Zero Dawn alike - as well as the bodies of the fallen Zeniths.

Part of him had wished that he could have been a member of the main attacking force, to see HEPHAESTUS churning out machines to take on the weakened Zeniths and their army of Specters for himself, as well as to fight alongside the rest of the squad, but he contented himself with the knowledge that what he and Alva had been tasked with had been just as important to the mission’s success.

Not only had they given the squad a fighting chance against their enemies, but they’d also made the discovery of what would eventually lead to Aloy and Beta uncovering the truth of what was really going on, and that was something he’d always be proud of.

- - - - - - - - - -

By the time they got back to the Grove, it was late afternoon, and the sun was just starting to set in the west.

Even so, the arrival of the four tamed Sunwings caused a stir among the Tenakth who were posted there, the young soldiers gawping at the sight as Aloy’s and Kotallo’s Sunwings came in to land, though Kotallo had to carefully drop his cargo on the ground first before his Sunwing could, the spare Sunwings following their lead, which quickly brought Hekarro, Dekka and Ivvira to investigate the hubbub.

“Marshal. Champion.” Hekarro greeted them both as they dismounted from their machines.

“Chief.” - “Hekarro.”

Kotallo and Aloy returned tandem greetings.

“What brings you here?”

“We bring Regalla’s body for burial.” Kotallo told his Chief, gesturing to the bag in front of his Sunwing.

Hekarro crouched down and touched the bag. “She died a good death?”

“Her help was instrumental in helping get the rest of the squad, minus myself and Diviner Alva, past some Specters and further into the Zenith base.” Kotallo reported. “She felled nearly a dozen of them before they killed her.”

Hekarro nodded as he stood back up.

“I’m glad to hear that for her sake. She got the death she was seeking that I was unable to deliver.” Hekarro then called to two of the nearby posted guards. “Nexx. Drevva.”

The two snapped to attention and came over.

“See that the body is taken to Tevvona to begin preparations for burial.” Hekarro instructed the two young soldiers.

“Yes, Chief.”

“The rope is yours, I assume?” Hekarro asked Aloy, noting that the young woman was missing her normally ever-present grapple.

“My grapple rope.” Aloy confirmed.

“Tell Tevvona that the rope is to be returned in one piece to the Champion.” Hekarro further instructed.

“Yes, Chief.”

The four Tenakth and one Nora watched as the two young soldiers carefully shouldered the body between them and departed the throne room and trekked towards their intended destination.

“Is there somewhere we can speak privately?” Aloy asked Hekarro, her expression solemn, once the two men were out of sight.

“Follow me.” Hekarro said and led the way to the strategy room.

- - - - - - - - - -

“Does this have something to do with the mission you’ve just completed? Your attack on the mysterious island next to the Valley of the Fallen?” Hekarro asked Aloy as they gathered around the planning table, Aloy and Kotallo on one side, Hekarro, Dekka and Ivvira on the other.

They’d stopped and spent the night at the Grove on their way to the Zenith base as well as on their return back to Base, so Hekarro had been aware that something was happening, and where, but not the specifics of it, and that it was therefore no coincidence that they were back just days after completing said mission and looking quite serious to boot.

“It does. The island was home to some living Old Ones called Zeniths. They kidnapped my sister, killed one of our squad, and took something from us that was imperative that we get back.”

Kotallo could see that Hekarro and the others had questions regarding the Zeniths, about how any of the Old Ones could still be alive after the Time of Ashes, so he intervened to get their attention back on the reason that Aloy had asked for this audience with him.

“I’ll explain about the Zeniths at a later time, Chief, but for now, it’s imperative that you hear what Aloy has to say.” Kotallo told Hekarro.

“Very well.” Hekarro nodded at the younger man before focusing back on Aloy. “And what did these… Zeniths take from you?”

“A living Vision called GAIA.” Kotallo told his fellow Tenakth. “GAIA is the reason that any of us exist after the fall of the Old Ones.”

“GAIA was created by an Old One called Elisabet Sobeck while the Metal Devils were wiping them out.” Aloy picked up the explanation, projecting an image of Elisabet for them to look at. “GAIA was tasked with bringing life back to Earth once the Old Ones had been wiped out. And as Kotallo said, she succeeded.”

Dekka was quick to pick up Aloy and Elisabet’s similarities. “You look exactly like her, Aloy, albeit younger, but how can that be?”

“Because I’m a clone - a copy - of her.”

“And why is that?” Dekka asked, puzzled but curious.

“Because twenty years ago, something threatened life on Earth. To protect us, protect all life, GAIA sacrificed herself to stop it.” Aloy explained before turning to address Hekarro. “That day that AETHER fled here? The day you saw the Faraday Vision here in the Grove? That was the day GAIA destroyed herself in the east. It’s also when I was created.

“GAIA knew that only someone with Elisabet’s blood and bone would be able to gain access to certain special Old One ruins through them, be able to fix what was about to happen by bringing GAIA back to life. The Derangement, the storms, the famine, the Blight, and indirectly, the Red Raids, all of that happened because GAIA wasn’t around to guide the machines trying to fix the world.”

“And you succeeded in that mission?” Hekarro asked, though he clearly had already guessed the answer, as things had started to get better in the months since he’d first met the flame-haired huntress and she’d spoken of her mission to him.

Aloy nodded in conformation. “I, with the aid of Varl and Zo, was able to revive her shortly after entering the West. She’s in our base in the mountains above Plainsong. But even though she was restored at that point, she couldn’t yet start to fix things.”

“And that’s where what you came here seeking comes into play?” Hekarro guessed.

Aloy nodded. “AETHER, and the others like it, which we called sub-functions, are the tools GAIA uses to repair and maintain the world. When GAIA sacrificed herself, they fled, seeking refuge wherever they could find containers big enough to store them, including here, and once they’d done that, they tried to continue with their work, but without GAIA’s guiding hand, their efforts led to what happened: ruin.”

“But we weren’t the only ones seeking to fix GAIA, the Zeniths were, too. Which is where my sister comes into this. Just as GAIA knew that only someone of Elisabet’s blood could fix her, the Zeniths knew it as well, creating Beta in the same way that I was so that they could also gain access to those same special ruins.”

“But your sister defected from these Zeniths and joined you and your squad.”

Aloy nodded. “At the time, we believed that the Zeniths intended to use GAIA to clean slate the Earth, killing all human life, so that they could make the world they wanted. Beta couldn’t stand that and hated them for how they’d treated her while she was growing up, so once we discovered each other’s existence, she escaped them as soon as she was able to, sending a distress call to GAIA that she knew I wouldn’t ignore.

“But even without Beta or GAIA, the Zeniths knew that my squad and I were working on fixing GAIA, so all they had to do was sit back and wait, putting a watch on the final sub-function, named HEPHAESTUS, knowing we’d have to go after it eventually to capture it as well, as it was the most important tool for GAIA to fix the world.”

“And what does this HEPHAESTUS do?”

“It creates the machines. The Derangement is entirely its work, as it was trying to protect the machines from human hunters.” Aloy explained. “Trapping HEPHAESTUS wasn’t as easy as it was with AETHER or the others, as it had grown too large for the container I used to return them to GAIA in once I’d retrieved them, and it was spread throughout the Cauldrons. Sites where the machines are created.” Aloy added at Ivvira’s puzzled look.

“To trap HEPHAESTUS, we had to corner it in a special Cauldron, the one south-west of Scalding Spear, the one the Desert Tenakth revere as the Gate of the Vanquished.”

“Special how?”

“It has two cores, due to earthquakes occurring while it was being constructed. GAIA needed to install herself in one core and contain HEPHAESTUS in the other so that we could begin to return it to her. But the second we did that, the Zeniths knew where we were, and they came for us. They killed Varl, incapacitated me, and took Beta and GAIA. They would have killed me also, if one of them didn’t turn on the others to save me.”

“One of the Zeniths defected to your side?” asked the Chief.

Aloy nodded again. “Yes. Her name was Tilda. She helped me plan and carry out the attack on the Zenith base. She also told me about the bomb I dropped on the Grove to stop Regalla’s assault.”

“Impressive.”

“Which leads to our attack on their base. During the attack, I had Alva and Kotallo split off from the main squad to strike a critical target that would help the rest of the squad’s infiltration.”

“You speak of the knowledge-seeker, yes? The young woman with the different looking Old One relic? The one whose tribe is on the Isle of Spires?” Dekka asked Aloy.

“The one with a thousand questions to ask you about the Visions during our stopovers here?” Aloy finished with a slight chuckle. “Yeah, she’s the one.”

“Anyway, the other part of their mission, once that was done and the Zenith computers were vulnerable, was for Alva to go through the Zenith files to find out if Tilda was hiding anything from us, as I didn’t fully trust her motivations.”

“I take it from your demeanour that they did find something?” Hekarro asked after studying Aloy for a moment.

Taking a breath, Aloy began to tell Hekarro, Dekka and Ivvira about what they’d learned.

“Yeah, Alva did. And this is what I found out…”

- - - - - - - - - -

“Blood of the Ten…” Hekarro breathed out, leaning heavily on the table, as Aloy and Kotallo finished their report.

Dekka and Ivvira were likewise shell-shocked, though they stood back from the table, also trying to wrap their heads around what they’d just been told.

“That’s why we’re here now; seeking allies. No single tribe will be able to defeat this thing alone. We have to come together if we’re to stand a chance at stopping it. Because if we don’t…” Aloy trailed off.

Hekarro understood the unspoken.

“The Tenakth will answer your call. Our arakhs are yours, Aloy of the Nora.” Hekarro, pushing off the table to stand straight, pledged to Aloy without hesitation. “We will gladly fight at your side against this threat.”

Kotallo nodded, having expected that Hekarro would swear to Aloy once he heard about Nemesis.

All Tenakth loved a good fight, and there would be no greater battle for his tribe then fighting to protect their world, and all life in it, from being snuffed out.

“I assume that you want Kotallo to spread the word on your behalf amongst the Clans?” Hekarro perceptively asked, looking between Kotallo and Aloy.

It was well known that Kotallo was a member of Aloy’s squad, so it was only logical that he do this task within his tribe for his CO.

Aloy nodded. “It’s why I’m returning him to your command for the time being.”

Hekarro nodded back before he addressed the younger man. “Marshal.”

“Yes, Chief?” Kotallo responded.

“I will still require you to do your duties as a Marshal from time to time, but henceforth, your primary task is to do what your Commander has asked you to do.”

“I understand, Chief.” Kotallo nodded his head to Hekarro, then repeated the action to Aloy. “Commander.”

“Marshal.” Aloy returned the nod.

“I will endeavour to make sure that he’s returned to your command, when the time comes, in one piece.” Hekarro told Aloy seriously, understanding that the GAIA Gang would be front and center when the fight finally began.

“I’d appreciate that.” Aloy thanked Hekarro. “And I actually have a couple of things to give you to help with that, as well as to help unify and rally the Tenakth. The first are these…”

Reaching into one of her back pouches, Aloy brought out three Focuses, coming around the table to give one each to Hekarro, Dekka and Ivvira.

“Your Old One relic?” Hekarro asked as he studied the tiny piece of metal in his fingers.

“It’s called a Focus.” Aloy explained, then gestured to where her Focus sat on her temple. “They go on the temple, just like mine.”

One by one, the three Tenakth did as instructed, the Focuses adhering to their skin when they were close enough and activating, which startled them at first as they experienced the Focus’ Second Sight and what it revealed for the first time.

“This is how you see the world?” Dekka breathed out as she got used to the display around her.

“Ever since I was a little girl.” Aloy responded, sounding a little wistful as she spoke those words, and Kotallo knew why: that was what she’d said to Varl the first time he’d donned his Focus.

“You activate and deactivate the Focus by tapping it, just like this.” Kotallo told his Chief, the Chaplain and his fellow Marshal, showing them how, so that they could deactivate them for now. “I can teach you the rest of the functions with time.”

“Kotallo has the rest of the Tenakth’s Focuses, to be distributed to the rest of the Marshals, the Clan Commanders and the Chaplains, as well as anyone else he deems worthy and trustworthy of them.” Aloy explained to Hekarro. “You’ll be connected to our greater network from now on, be able to contact any member of it, if you wish, including myself and members of my squad, but GAIA can set up a seperate network, just for the Tenakth, if you want her to.”

“I thank you.” Hekarro nodded.

“The second part are the Sunwings. Kotallo has his. The first spare is yours.” Aloy said to Hekarro. “And the last…”

Ivvira perked up and looked hopefully at Aloy. “Is mine?”

“A training tool, for now, to allow the Marshals to get used to flying. You’ll get yours soon enough.” Aloy corrected with a chuckle before turning back to Hekarro. “I should be able to tame the remaining machines - for the Marshals, at least - over the next couple of weeks and will bring them here as I do. If you feel that there are others who deserve one, who won’t abuse the privilege, let me know, and I can tame more at a later date.”

“You have my thanks and gratitude for this, Aloy. These gifts will make the Marshals far more effective at their jobs.” Hekarro thanked Aloy profusely, clearly recognising, like Kotallo had, the show of trust and faith that Aloy was putting in him and his tribe in doing what she had.

“And far more formidable against what remains of the rebels, or any other trouble-makers.” Ivvira enthused. “I almost wish that they would try something, though, if only to see the look on their faces when we show up on our own Wings of the Ten.”

Kotallo chuckled at that, having imagined it himself.

“There’s one last thing that the Focus can do for you.” Aloy told Hekarro. “Perhaps the most important thing.”

“And what might that be?”

Activating her Focus, Aloy displayed a table containing the Latin alphabet for Hekarro, Dekka and Ivvira to look at.

“Carja glyphs?” Hekarro asked after a moment of studying the table, clearly remembering Fashav’s journal.

“The Old Ones called it the alphabet.” Aloy corrected. “It’s how they read and wrote. Each Focus contains an educational module that will teach you how to as well.”

Hekarro blinked at that, then pulled his Focus from his temple to look at it. “This little relic can teach me and my people the written language of the Old Ones?”

Aloy nodded. “Just as I learned when I was a girl. Just as Kotallo did when he joined my team.”

“Of all the things you’ve offered today, this is by far the most precious. Thank you, Aloy. We won’t forget this.”

“It’s why you were reaching out to Avad, isn’t it? To learn how, so that the Tenakth could record their history in another way, and not lose it?” Aloy asked rhetorically in return, already knowing the answer.

Hekarro simply nodded his head in answer.

“For you and the others who have a Focus, you can learn at your convenience, but for the rest of the Tenakth, I was thinking that the Chaplains could expand their duties and become teachers of the written word as well.”

“As they should.” Hekarro nodded in agreement, seeing that Aloy understood his tribe well enough to give this task to the ones best suited to it, even despite being an outlander, before turning to Dekka. “Do you agree, Chaplain?”

“I do, Chief. Thank you for this, Aloy.” Dekka offered her own thanks to the young woman for the opportunity she was giving them. “I’ll get word to Jetakka and Gerrah.”

“If you’re ever stuck, or need help, with this, or anything else, don’t hesitate to reach out.” Aloy informed Hekarro. “I’m staying in the West for now and I’m more than happy to assist wherever and however I can.”

Hekarro nodded his head. “I will keep that in mind. Thank you, Aloy.”

- - - - - - - - - -

“You’re more than welcome to stay here for the night, if you wish.” Kotallo told Aloy as they made their way back to where Aloy’s Sunwing was waiting, pausing as one of the guards returned Aloy’s grapple and the bag to her.

“Thanks for the offer, but I’ll have to pass. We all saw how fragile Beta was after we rescued her, and with the Base now empty, I’d rather not leave her there alone right now, at least until she’s feeling a bit better.”

They’d all seen how shaken Beta had been, and they’d kept themselves in her sights at all times those first few days after her rescue, so she knew that what had happened was real and that she was safe.

Not to mention that her nightmares continued to plague her nightly.

“I understand. Fly safe, Aloy.”

“Will do. I’ll see you in a few days with the next lot of Sunwings.” Aloy offered in parting as her Sunwing took to the skies.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

“Erend and Alva get away okay?” Aloy asked when she returned to the Base, not surprised to find Beta in GAIA’s chamber, checking over the reinstalled AI.

“Yeah. Erend was going to escort her to the ferry to make sure she got there safely, then return to the Hidden Ember.” Beta told her sister as Aloy came to a stop beside her and embraced the younger clone from the side as she worked. “He said he’d call when he got back, so we knew he was okay.”

Beta looked up from her work, suddenly timid and uncertain about what she wanted to ask. “Hey… um… you wanna watch some eps of Second Time Around with me after dinner?”

In the past, Aloy had deemed such things as irrelevant, preferring to remain focused on the mission, so she understood Beta’s hesitance to ask her about it now, but after they’d hashed out their differences, Aloy had vowed that she would start treating Beta with the kindness that she was overdue to receive, which included showing interest in the things her sister loved.

“Sure. Why not?”

Beta beamed in response. “Really?”

“Really.” Aloy affirmed. “Though speaking of dinner…”

Beta just smiled, knowing of her sister’s love of food, and let herself be led out of GAIA’s chamber and towards the kitchen.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

As for me, I can’t say that I’m not afraid.

What lies ahead will be harder than anything we've faced before.

But I know I can put the fear aside, because for the first time in my life... I feel like I’m not alone.

ψ - σ - ρ - ξ - ζ - ε

[horizon-verizon]

I had a legitimate question/complaint that I wanted to send you and I'm still going to do so but while I was thinking about it something else occurred to me and I wanted to share it but I wanted to tell you something first.

The change in Rhaenyra and Laenor’s relationship is the ONLY change I am willing to wholeheartedly accept because it was a wonderful change.

The canon versions aren’t much related to speak of. Rhaenyra has her reasons for not wanting to marry Laenor and at one point she makes a homophobic comment and Laenor did the bare minimum by showing up to a couple of events and visiting so he could say “oh yeah, that baby is definitely mine🤭 Can we call him Joffrey?☺️” (which still means he recognized them as his own and they were legally Velaryon)

But in the show Rhaenyra and Laenor quickly create a mutually beneficial partnership, Rhaenyra cares for Laenor very clearly during 1x05 trying to reach him and I interpret her expression while they are getting married as her acknowledging Laenor’s pain, Laenor is obviously much more present in the children’s lives and at court, we can see a little how complicated that dynamic must have been with Laenor having the freedoms of a man and Rhaenyra being technically superior to him (and none of them seem resentful of each other!), Laenor also worries about Rhaenyra and blames himself for some of their problems (it’s not them, it’s Alicent) and failing Rhaenyra and the children. Rhaenyra in turn takes the time to assure him that she doesn't blame him, that she doesn't see him as defective or wrong.

A I have no idea where the shot came from that Laenor was uncomfortable holding Joff (I thought he was uncomfortable because of Alicent, you know, the woman who made his wife walk after giving birth and that insults him at least twice) but I don't think he is any more uncomfortable with children than most parents of that time, I would even go so far as to say that their relationship is close. We see Laenor carrying Joffrey both on the way back and when Rhaenyra leaves the court, in the second case they could have given him to a nanny but no, Laenor was the one carrying their son. Another moment I really like is the low-key shot of Laenor and Luke holding hands during Laena's funeral or the whole thing with Laenor, Rhaenyra and Harwin with the kids. There is no discomfort, children are not distant or uncomfortable when dealing with him.

In all the ways that matter Laenor claimed the children as his own, he had a pretty good relationship with Rhaenyra despite it not being sexual in nature and the problems that brought about for reasons and it is shown that he loved them.

The real queer friendship in the show was Laenor and Rhaenyra not Alicent and Rhaenyra. And that's my controversial opinion today.

I talk about Rhaenicent HERE, how it didn't and still doesn't make sense to me due to the writing not bringing enough reason as to why it exists. I also must remind people that I am not queer (I don't think bc IDK these days) or of the LGBTQAI+ community. So if I am missing something that could explain some stuff about queerness in fiction or real-life sexually-incompatible relationships, let me know, please!

I am torn about this relationship--book AND show-wise but what I am sure of is that this relationship wasn't as "mutually" beneficial as some might think. Most of it was neither of their faults, but Rhaenyra's situation vs Laenor's is enough reason for her to be resentful not just of her father but him as well. Their relationship was consequently emotionally distant from Laenor even while living in the same spaces as him for a decade. So instead of being a "sweet" thing, it was more a "bittersweet" thing.

Book!

Context for the comment Rhaenyra made against marrying Laenor ("A Question of Succession"):

"My half brothers would be more to his taste".

And Laenor naming their last child ("A Question of Succession"):

"Laenor was at last permitted to name a child after his fallen friend"

And these are when and where the V boys were born (114, 115, 117).

There are layers to each part of these quotes: Laenor is "permitted" to name his own child. More likely barred by Corlys than Rhaenyra because the first two have Velaryon-sounding names and Laenor thus has been made to push aside his first (known) great love/disconnect from his own gayness/"repress" for the sake of patriarchal-heterosexual tradition WHILE Rhaenyra's comment about Laenor reveals a parallel to the preference shown towards boys and men in her society. He would "prefer" someone else, a male, over her. Her concern is not primarily "owning" him sexually but it mirrors/parallels/reminds her that her father/patriarchy diminishing a woman's importance or decentering her for the man's centering and sociopolitical elevation. The "man" here is Viserys and Corlys.

But in the inverse, Laenor named their kid after his past lover when Rhaenyra couldn't give a Targaryen name or any name of her choosing to their last two boys.

Of course, that is a little self-centered of Rhaenyra but the bubble of resentment comes from a valid place and is not completely unfounded and she sorta has to be bit more self-centered...more tragic for them both.

And Laenor naming their last child after his dead lover when he's supposed to keep his relationships a secret for the better of their kids if not for himself is also sort of self-centeredness. Again, when Rhaenyra seemingly couldn't name her own first 2 children.

In a way, Young!Book!Rhaenyra takes Laenor's sex acts (bc Westerosi do not have the conceptions of sexuality being an identity element so much as an act of pseudo-taboo sex acts) as his being another person/obligation/worry who is forced on her, not going to add to her life and not caring for her or prioritizing or supporting her to a certain degree that she needs--another "burden" aside from the one political benefit of tying the Velaryons to her...which is necessary in the first place bc she is female and Viserys pissed Corlys off.

It's like it touches on that wound girls/women carry. In-text/world, I felt it moves through Rhaenyra-the-person/character as unconscious resentment towards another instance where she cannot access what she desires and becomes stuck with a person who cannot even desire her at the very least, as she finds Harwin can later. The show actually does well enough to bring out what was likely true from the original story here when she's talking to Daemon in episode 7 about Harwin: "It felt good to be desired". To have someone be there for her.

(bc despite that injury he had that might have taken months to heal, I still think it's too strange and non-coincidental to ignore how Rhaenyra's first three kids all do not look at least like herself in coloring, not in eyes or hair...Alysanne was one Targ with Andal blonde hair and blue eyes while Alyssa had one purple eye for goodness sake! and the Targs after Daeron II's generation had traits from either one or both parents, Targ or not Targ...this is a fiction piece and while it models real life, it is less random as real life, and "85-90%" of stuff is done for a reason)

And with Laenor, as I mentioned, he must have felt pulled apart from himself--resentful of his forced marriage and further repression from such marriage to Rhaenyra, thus his staying away.

I don't think that they didn't come to respect each other or even not care about each other in the book NOR that they were horrible people for how they felt feelings and their circumstances, how they moved around each other, and probably interacted. Especially after Laenor began spending more time with Rhaenyra after their sons' confrontation with Aemond at Dragonstone.

But it never came across to me as particularly close or Laenor taking up the responsibility to those he apparently did see as a family until said family was hurt. And I have not seen anything to suggest Rhaenyra was concerningly hurtful or homophobic towards Laenor after they marry in canon. So, do we really know if she actually hated him in the original story, or thought his queerness made him less than or worthy of hate, esp with what I said about it more about expressing her frustration?

Show!

You:

But in the show Rhaenyra and Laenor quickly create a mutually beneficial partnership, Rhaenyra cares for Laenor very clearly during 1x05 trying to reach him and I interpret her expression while they are getting married as her acknowledging Laenor’s pain, Laenor is obviously much more present in the children’s lives and at court, we can see a little how complicated that dynamic must have been with Laenor having the freedoms of a man and Rhaenyra being technically superior to him (and none of them seem resentful of each other!), Laenor also worries about Rhaenyra and blames himself for some of their problems (it’s not them, it’s Alicent) and failing Rhaenyra and the children. Rhaenyra in turn takes the time to assure him that she doesn't blame him, that she doesn't see him as defective or wrong.

It seems like Rhaenyra still got the shorter end of the stick to breed a stronger sort of resentment. I think that their relationship was actually more or less the same as it was in the book, and the space they shared only affected Laenor's time spent with the kids and not time spent helping Rhaenyra elsewhere. I could argue it should have been even a little worse bc they live in the same space and Laenor is doing the same things as his book counterpart.

That unequal position, in my view, actually kept them emotionally apart enough for Laenor to not really understand Rhaenyra as a person while Rhaenyra seems to understand Laenor pretty well. To look at this doylistically, honestly, this could be a fault of the writers and the time jumps, but let's dive in.

FIRST - We have not actually seen, at any point, Laenor approach Rhaenyra to ask what's up/check-in. Any time he's there, he's there for either the most dramatic things (birth of a son and climbing the stairs), complaining, or inadvertently make her seem an anomaly (comments about breasts). At the end, again like in the book, he offers to be closer to her and focus on her and the boys...and that is the only time we see some sort of action of the sort of support Rhaenyra sees she will get from Daemon, thus her decision to have Laenor "killed".

After Joffrey Lonmouth's death, Laenor found Qarl Correy and Rhaenyra had allowed the man to be close to Laenor despite the rumors. Laenor doesn't mind and even seems to like Harwin. But unlike Rhaenyra, Laenor does not need nor want a good image as much as she does. Rhaenyra needs Laenor more than the reverse.

SECOND - In the 5th episode after Joffery's death, yes, she is acknowledging his pain but you'd have to be self-involved to a particular degree or just plain unobservant to not sympathize and acknowledge that pain...plus she knew they were together as Laenor told her and they made that a private arrangement on the beach presumably just a few days before. Finally, in that episode, she has not actually lived with him yet.

THIRD - Due to the time jump, we do not know how Laenor got to be a permanent resident in the Keep of King's Landing when he should have been at Driftmark as he is in the book before Laena's death/Vhagar's "claim". Does either Viserys or Corlys order him to stay with Rhaenyra? Did Rhaenyra order him to stay by her side with her? Did Laenor choose freely or under a nonverbal pressure from those around him and what exactly did that look like? Did he have a confrontation with his father concerning his sexuality and the image its open-secretness presents to the family and he just needed to get away from Corlys--did he and Rhaenyra bond over that? Even so, how does the court treat both Rhaenyra & Laenor, both of whom are in court with their respective lovers: Laenor being cuckolded (doesn't matter that he's gay, he's a man and "gayness" is not an identity to these Westerosi) and Rhaenyra, as the future ruler, cannot be made to be seen as weak through her husband's/partner's open "infidelities".

More Notes

Many have noted how unaware Laenor is in the show. Both are resigned, but Rhaenyra is less..."blind", I'd say, because she has to be "on" and aware of others all the time. This alone shows that they cannot be as close as some people claim, because they are not on a similar page of observation of each other or their situation.

This is Rhaenyra & Laenor says about his desire to go to war:

War is afoot again in the Stepstones, Rhaenyra. The Triarchy takes new life from its alliance with Dorne. They're waylaying ships and cargo. Qarl's been fighting there. He showed me a... ( laughing ) He showed me a sack of sapphires big as walnuts he took from the pirate he slew. Ah... After all this time, this is just what I need, a little adventure. A good, honest battle to enliven my blood again. He says there is a Tyroshi general there, a giant, they say, who dyes his beard purple and wears women's frocks. ( laughs ) A few months, maybe...

AND

I am a knight... and a warrior. And I have played my part here, faithfully... for ten years. I am owed some...

AND

Rhaenyra: You are owed nothing! For ten years, you have indulged yourself at court, bought the finest horses, drunk the rarest of wines, fսckеd the lustiest boys. This was our agreement. I have not begrudged you. But... you do not desert your post when the storm lashes. Laenor: The wise sailor flees the storm as it gathers.

Aside from me not liking how Rhaenyra's decision to go to Dragonstone is compared to what Laenor meant by leaving (bc she is doing it for the sake of family and people's lives versus him trying to abandon said family...this is not some modern tale where the newly out and thriving queer person incidentally has kids who can survive their absence or at least not have it threatened after all):

Laenor had been trying to get out of being in KL with Rhaenyra for, as he calls it, "adventure" as if he weren't already in some sort of agreement with Rhaenyra to protect those he himself decided to treat them as his own sons. If it weren't for the fact he sees those kids as his own AND that agreement before they were even born, I wouldn't 100% begrudge him. Add to the fact that, because he's a man, if he weren't so lower-ranked or actually cared for his non-trad family he could have just gone and no one would disparage him in the slightest. Her having to remind him of his promise and stop him from making comments about her body to--who is to her--a stranger while she's trying to stop herself from leaking and coming back from a council where her stepmother/former friend has tried to humiliate and undermine her the whole time -> her reminding him it was not her who put him in their position so as not for him to make it seem as if she were the one imprisoning him in the first place when he said he had the right to is itself a stack of emotional labor. It truly read to me that Laenor was trying to escape the life he has with Rhaenyra as much as he did in the book. It wasn't actually much of a real change.

At the same time, we must remember that show!Rhaenyra is a very different person from book!Rhaenyra. This is a woman who would not go to war for the throne her father gave her because her father was a man who tried to be as nonconfrontational as possible AND for a prophecy that she should have reasoned her father never would have told Aegon, of all people, about and how he took the time to drag himself out of bed for her & her kids' rights/protection in episode 8. The show unconsciously makes a more quietly repressed woman of Rhaenyra in an attempt to make her more "likable", to her own, more-avoidable detriment.

One reason why show!-her may not feel like ordering Laenor more--other than realizing his being forced like her--is the inevitability of his freedoms despite his queerness. Why make a "fuss" when it will not actually go anywhere and it will actually hurt Laenor? Another reason is by how she looks at Laenor, she feels guilt at being the person Criston was actually angry with--thus indirectly leading to Laenor losing his lover so traumatically, thus maybe trying to take it upon herself to make sure Laenor has little reason to either resent or begin to actually hate her more (bc he is both one of the only people there in her camp to keep her some sort of company aside from Harwin in some way) and/or she feels like she must take the responsibility of making him happy. Both of these can give another "responsibility" along with being a mom, the court images, Alicent, her father's social self-blindness, etc even though Joffrey's death is not her fault as much as it was Criston's. All/more eyes are on her and her behavior and she is the one having to birth a kid one minute and walk up a flight of stairs the next. And she was absolutely going to do it alone because Laenor was not there until he decided to be. She is the one who will receive the least grace or attention and thereby the most blame. This is definitely not Laenor's fault...but his using that ability to be away, it certainly adds to the burden, potentially becoming a polyp of the main problem. This is, why again, they both decide that Laenor should "die", to repeat myself.

These things are inevitably going to breed resentment from Rhaenyra and travel against Laenor, esp when he's deciding to make it that much harder without acknowledging that he is or thinking how it could be. And if she were more resentful, or really even a bit more expressive towards him than she was in the show, I do not think that is a moral flaw on her part, doesn't make her the bad guy. Not expressing your anger more often doesn't make the relationship closer/better...in fact, it shows how disconnected they are emotionally. Not only is it possible she cannot feel as if she has all the right to "too much" of Laenor after Joffrey's death and how it went down, but she nevertheless "needs to" demand "more" from him because he's still not doing much, he agreed, their kids' lives and reputations are in danger, and by the near end of epi 6 he's even trying to get out of that much. No man could really understand or appreciate all of this, but again, that distance and trying to get out of things really clinched it for me.

Just because she doesn't hate him or lash out at him, doesn't mean the resentment against him isn't there and that it isn't strong. It shows itself in her sarcasm at his asking her if it hurt; her looks at his drunken talk about her leaking and swollen breasts to Qarl Correy (how fond would one be of a person after that tactlessness because it also shows how little Laenor really minds how his words will come across to her at specific moments?); her having to make it clear to him he must stay by her side and explain to him why she must (the mental load we modern talks about is paralleled here), etc.

And just because show!her was more accomodating, doesn't make her an actually better human than her book counterpart. Same with Laenor--just because he seems like he was around more often--especially since they here share the same space--doesn't mean he is there with her because he absolutely wants to be and is performing the duty he said he would. This is what Rhaenyra was talking about after she dismissed Correy so she could demand Laenor stay.

If anything, Laenor's proximity to Rhaenyra and still not being as there as he should makes it easier for him to be closer to his sons and have a relationship of sorts with their elder selves (because in the show those kids are also older--by appearance--than their selves in the book by this time, and thus they have had more time with Laenor as their dad). It didn't bring the married couple closer so much as give Rhaenyra visible, everyday proof her husband was not her partner.

Thereby, again, it wasn't actually all that "mutual"--he didn't have to put as much energy as her and he didn't and he didn't really think of how he could...but like you said, he did more than most fathers in that the little initiative he does give is more than what most fathers in his position would give Laenor does take a bit of initiative than most men would give in his position even if they wanted to be her Prince Consort for the influence, title, and power alone. He tries.....but then that still makes me question if he actually is there by circumstance, order, or choice and how he feels about that. Still, it's not good for him, so does he, if ever, blame or lash out at Rhaneyra and how does he express that.

The show tells us "unlikely", but that doesn't seem psychologically or emotionally realistic to me. On Laenor's end, he's told he cannot be that one masculine thing--be a brave adventurer/traveling knight--because his class/station has to lead him to marry a princess who depends on his voluntary discretion the balance between security and public respect when he never asked for any of it but he's told that he's a horrible person if he doesn't do this for his ambitious father.

It is because of all this that I do not see Rhaenyra as necessarily being hateful toward Laenor in either book or the show for his sexuality as much as his not being compatible with her needs after a whole life of subtle and unsubtle constraint while acknowledging that it isn't either of their fault...until in the show Laenor was headed there.

Their kindness (to a degree) for each other and Laenor's obvious willingness to at least perform when told or encouraged certainly make things easier. It's still far from what's needed, with it not quite meeting the bare minimum.

So for me, the change that I liked was their coming to a verbal agreement for them to look for other intimacies. It could have happened in canon, but we'll never know, GRRM chose to write this like a very unreliable history book written by misogynist, homophobic, etc. "men of learning". This wasn't a dumb choice, without its own storytelling merits (there's a reason we continue to use frame narratives), or even fun to read through...it's that you're trusting your readers a lot to know what's in their hands and some are just not going to get it or want to.

[a-writer-on-elm-street]

so ever since i watched house of wax, i've become obsessed with bo sinclair, like i think about him ALL THE TIME. and the more i think about him, the more interesting he gets, and basically i just have so many ideas and theories about him and i don't know what to do with them. so i'm putting them on here. this will probably be very chaotic and unorganised so sorry in advance but i just gotta get these out there.

first off, his clear manipulation of vincent. during the movie, when vincent comes back to the house after killing paige and blake, he's in the kitchen with bo and bo tells him this: "ain't your work more real now? ma would be proud." this obviously indicates that bo is using their mother as a way to get vincent to go along with all the killing and turning people to wax. and i feel like the reason bo is doing this is to tarnish everything his mother worked for and at the same time, turn her perfect little boy into something not so perfect. i feel like this is all fuelled by his hatred for his mother due to the way she treated him as a child.

but i also feel like he holds some guilt and remorse for what he's doing because bo's first proper appearance (not taking into account the scene in the woods) is in the church, at trudy's 'funeral'. now, obviously the whole being in the middle of a funeral thing is clearly part of the act to bring people's guard down. make them feel bad for him, to take suspicion away from him. but if you think about it, what reason does bo need to be in that church, pretending to be at a funeral? it doesn't exactly have any significance in regards to how they take the victims.

the whole operation seems to be run by bo. bo shows up at the campsite, later vandalising wade's car, and then lester conveniently sends them in bo's direction to fix the car, where vincent inevitably turns them to wax, under bo's guidance. maybe setting up the funeral was vincent's idea, but bo pretending to be at that funeral was most likely his idea. why? why would he station himself at a funeral for a mother who abused him? i think whilst he probably harbors some resentment towards his mother, i also feel like he definitely still loves her, which is why it's possible he carries guilt for what he's doing, essentially in her name.

but then there's this:

i'm not entirely sure if this is real or not because i literally found it at random the other day. also, i think this did come from a blog on here, but i can't remember who so if anyone knows, please let me know.

anyway, moving on. that last line, carly insinuates that bo killed his mother, that he 'blew her brains out'. now, let's assume that was true, that he killed their mother, the funeral in the church could represent one of two things: bo's guilt in regards to his mother, or it could almost serve as a trophy, bo reliving the kill. this is common in serial killers, they will often take a trophy in order to relive the kill and gain back that rush they got when it happened. maybe that's what the funeral setting is for bo (although personally i think it's more of a guilt thing rather than a trophy).

also, it appears that bo's immediate weapon of choice is a shotgun in the movie. if he shot his mother, this could potentially be a reason for him choosing a shotgun as his main weapon. i don't really have anything else to add to that, it was literally just a random thought i had but yeah.

finally, when carly asks why he's doing this for a woman who hated him, he gets angry and responds by yelling 'don't say that!' he's clearly becoming very defensive, which could show a sense of loyalty to his mother. even after everything, he won't let anyone talk about her that way because at the end of the day, she was still his mother, no matter how she treated him.

it could also be a show of denial, maybe bo doesn't want to accept that trudy hated him, and wants to believe she loved him, despite everything. if he is feeding into this delusion that his mother loved him after all, then the funeral is merely about bo paying tribute to her, he is doing right by his mother by setting up a funeral for her.

i don't have anything else to add. i also don't know what this is to be honest. it might not even make sense. i've just had these thoughts floating around in my brain for a while and i wanted to share them. obviously, these are all just my own opinions and ideas so if anyone disagrees, i'm absolutely open for debates in the comments, but don't hate please. in no way am i a psychologist or whatever so obviously this isn't going to be 100% accurate or professional or anything. i just wanted to share a few of my thoughts i had.

might just delete this later though cos it's a mess lol

[lasnevadaslaborunion]

Top 5 quckity moments??????

I assume you mean c!Quackity?

5. His conversation with c!Bad after being taken to the Egg. From c!Karl's message being the thing to snap him out of his stupor, to the sheer panic in his voice, to his declaration that he indeed wants power but never at anyone or anything else's behest, to him desperately trying to reason with c!Bad, to his insistence that they can use the Egg for good (???)... GOD it makes my brain do jumping jacks

4. Okay. We all know about c!Schlatt's funeral. We all know about the cannibalism. And I almost put that here, too (so consider it an honorable mention). But I don't think enough attention is paid to him trying to bring Schlatt to life for "political reasons" immediately afterward. Oh, this little bastard and his complicated grieving processes...

3. I could honestly fill this whole list with only scenes from the Manberg arc, but I'll highlight Plan Ass specifically as an S-tier c!Quackity moment. He went back to negotiate with and swindle the man he was scared would kill him (while allegedly pregnant with his child!) all to dissuade c!Wilbur from sending the country he loved up in flames...

2. Much like Manberg, all of Doomsday could go here (for him, at least. My feelings about the event itself are... somewhat more ambivalent). Him singing the anthem and remembering the second verse, him asking c!Niki what's wrong and trying to persuade her to help, his incandescent hatred for c!Dream, "SaPnAp HoLd Me I'm ScArEd..."

But my favorite part without a doubt is his pre-battle turnaround. Man was so close to getting the hell outta dodge, but he was persuaded to return by the words of someone he wanted to execute only 24 hours prior. Then, he spent half the battle trying to return the book. And THEN, after all was said and done, he reached out to that person as a possible ally. Where are my boober friends to talk about this with me PLEASE-

Also, "let the horse run free" still makes me tear up a little. He loved that bag of bones so much. It was a reminder of happier times...

1. The entire day's events of September 14, 2021. On the same day he tried to torture two men to death, he jumped into lava without hesitation to save his best friend's life. And both times, they slipped away from his grasp.

If that doesn't neatly summarize his character and the reasons I love him, I don't know what does.

Honorable mention: every possible variation of the scene I made up in my head of c!Fundy leaving Las Nevadas and c!Quackity not killing him despite the contract's threats

Honorable honorable mention: that one six-hour c!Foolish stream I'm fucking obsessed with. That's a better c!Foolish moment, though. So that's another potential ask at least partially filled out

Honorable honorable honorable mention (hey he's my specialest guy don't @ me): literally every time he's ever interacted with c!Tommy or c!Tubbo

[jerardeusebio]

The Funeral Run

I feel ambivalent about naming inanimate objects. For one, it feels counter to non-attachment, a Buddhist philosophy I’ve embraced and committed to practicing to the best of my ability. Another reason is the implied materialism of such an action. Again, it feels incongruent with the narrative I’ve created about myself. But a few weeks ago, the "death" of my five year-old running watch surprised me. I know this sounds bizarre, and the strangeness starts with its intensity and climaxes in the way I responded to it.

I bought the most basic running Garmin in 2019: the Forerunner 35. This was about a week after my iPhone 5S, which slid out of my running shorts, got run over by a tricycle. Intimidated by the price of iPhones, I decided to buy an Android. What I saved from settling on a more affordable phone would allow me, for the first time in my then nine years as a runner, to buy a running watch. Since moving back to my home campus a year prior, I had renewed my commitment to the sport and was logging considerable miles. A GPS watch made perfect sense.

One fine Sunday, after several days of research on running watches, I marched into the Glorietta 5 Garmin store and bought the thing. I wore it for the rest of that day at the mall. I caught myself glancing at it, trying to catch the minute turn, checking to see how it looked on my left wrist, preening in the mirrors and windows I passed, happy to have assumed this new self. Before the purchase, my vision of who I was and what I did was clear: educator, writer, and runner. Now, I was still all three, except now I was a runner with a GPS watch! In an effort not to name my things, I simply referred to it as “Garmin.”

That day at the mall, there was just no way of knowing what was to come. By my best estimate, Garmin had accompanied me to about a thousand runs since its purchase. Not just this: it had seen me through two falls (the scars from which have already faded), the COVID-19 pandemic (and my shortlived shift to cycling), my tenure, four heartbreaks, countless lectures (both given by me and given to me), classes, students, faculty meetings, committee meetings, meetings with big wigs, awarding ceremonies, speeches, and a whole lot of firsts that would be impossible to contain here. Garmin has monitored my heart rate, informed me every time I hit my step goal, and congratulated me—six times in the past year—when I breached the half-marathon distance.

Garmin stopped working on the morning of June 9th, 2024. My family was in Taal for my parents’ 37th anniversary celebration. Confident of its durability and the many instances I’ve swum with it, I wore it to the pool, ignoring the peculiarly intense scent of chlorine as we approached the water. My guess is that it suffered undue pressure, being caught in between my arm and my mother, whom I lifted from the water as a dare. The high chlorine concentration must have ruined the already worn-down waterproofing. When we got back to our room, I was distressed that it no longer showed the time. I held on to hope for a few days. I buried it in rice. Left it under the sun. Wore it to work for two days despite its uselessness. When I was convinced it was safe, as my last try, I charged it. I left it in an upright position on my bedside table. It still didn’t work when I checked it after an hour. And my heart sank when I saw a little pool of water right where I had picked it up.

What ensued was an intense week of mourning. My attachment to Garmin was such that on the day I accepted its death, I decided to run with it for the last time. One for the road. I ran a kilometer for each year it had spent with me/I had spent with it. At kilometer three, looking at its blank screen and remembering our years of togetherness, a lump began to form in my throat. Cooling down, I held my left wrist up before me, Mt. Makiling in the background. As I studied Garmin, my now really dead inanimate running watch, I whispered a thank you. I then pressed it to my right cheek. It stayed there for a while, as the tears rolled down my eyes.

Back in my room, I placed it in a rectangular black box, where my other old dead timepieces were. Each of them displayed their time of death, clear and final. Only Garmin had a blank screen, its time of death a mystery. Later that night, I stared at the ceiling, awake in the darkness, wondering about my strange behavior, my absurd response. And in the end, I understood the things I was grieving for and over: unrecoverable versions of myself, time and distance past, and the end of a story that brings with it the excruciating, inescapable start of another.