#despite procrastinating instead of practicing I was too lazy to fix them

[0rchidrose]

Did some art recently for a programme border and never shared it, uploading so I don't lose it lmao

(played a piece called fran g panni hence the flowers lol)

[ocpdzim]

this is not tagged with every relevant trigger warning tag because honestly ??? I dont feel up to repeatedly rereading such a long wall of frantic screaming in order to tag everything but there’s a lot and it’s bad and awful and chaotic and REALLY NEGATIVE so proceed with caution if you do want to read it but ofc nobofy has to read it

UGHHHHHHH YOU KNOW WHAT I CAN’T STAND IT   I NEED T O COMPLAIN BUT I CANT TALK TO ANYONE I FEEL SO   AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL AWFUL I’M SORRY EVERYONE EVEN THOUGH I AM HERE I CANT TALK TO YOU PLEASE DONT TALK TO ME TODAY I WILL JUST FEEL MORE GUILTY BECAUSE  I CANT RESPOND AND I CANT HANDLE IT I CANT TAKE IT I   CANT D  O IT AND I WILL BE FORCED TO PRETEND EVERYTHING IS FINE BECAUSE I CANT HARDLY STAND TO TELL PEOPLE I AM NOT OK IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD AND GUILT Y BECAUSE REALLY I SHOULD ONLY EXIST TO MAKE PEOPLE HAPPY BUT I !!! CANT DO IT!!! I’M A BURDEN AND I’M AWFUL AND I HSOULD JUST DIE UGHHHHHH FUCK!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ANYWAY  I do   this shit i run myself headfirst into the dirt fuckgn working for HOURS and not eating or sleeping I work until I get PHYSICALLY ILL  i  HAVENT EATEN ANY THING EXCEPT A DONUT AND HALF A PIECE OF GINGERBREAD TODAY  AND ITS 5:30 PM I CANT HARDLY THINK AND  I ‘M MISERABLE I’M!!!! SO MISERABLE!!!!!! AND I KNOW IT HAS TO BE MY FAULT SOMEHOW AND SO I HAVE MADE UP THIS UNFORGIVABLE TRANSGRESSION THAT PROBABLY ISNT EVEN A BIG DEAL AT ALL WHICH I HAVE NOW CONVINCED MYSELF IS SO HORRIBLE I CAN’T TALK TO ANYONE OR I WILL JUST HURT THEM AND SO EVEN THE IDEAA OF SPEAKING TO ANYONE AT ALL MAKES ME FEEL LIKE I SHOULD RIP MYSELF TO SHRED S AND DIE SO PLEASE DONT SPEAK TO OR OTHERWISE INTERACT WITH ME UNTIL I SAY IT’S OK I really do appreciat e how nice everyone is to me despite how awful I am but right now I really dont need reassurance I need to be alone  kindness will just make me feel guiltier 

thi s is so ridiculous i have this big fucking multiday panic (and the works still not done if its not done tonight I fail and BASICALLY I WANT TO DIE) and so like, I cant face that it’s because of my own procrastination and laziness and failure to accept that my actions have reasonable and practical consequences so you know what  I d o?? you know whtat I’m fucking doing????? right now???? I think desperately to try to figure ou t what could’ve possibly got me in this situation other than procrastination which I cant accept as a cause for?? some reason????? so INSTEAD OF THAT I THINK UP SOME SHIT THAT I ACCIDENTALLY DID MONTHS AGO THAT I DONT THINK ANYONE EVEN NOTICED BUT THAT THERE IS ALSO NO POSSIBLE WAY TO EVER FIX WITHOUT SERIOUSLY HURTING MYSELF AND AT LEAST ONE OTHER PERSON AND I GO “hey, you know what, I think that was unforgivable!!! but there is nothing I can do about it now.” and then I get stuck in this awful hellish loop of feeling like my current work situation and my bad health and being dehydrated is all some fukcign DIVINE PUNISHMENT for this TOTALLY UNRELATED SHIT I DID MONTHS AGO adn then???? then i FLIP THE FUCK OUT AND ISOLATE MYSELF BECAUSE I FEEL SO DAMN GUILTY OVER IT EVEN THOUGH THERE IS NOTHING I CAN DO TO FIX IT AND NOBODY EVEN KNOWS ABOUT IT AND NOBODY CAN EVER KNOW ABOUT IT AND I DIDNT EVEN DO IT ON PURPOSE IN THE FIRST PLACE and then here I am!!!! making a big fuckig scene!!! throwing  a temper tantrum !! worrying everyone!!! because everything has to be all about me all the damn time!!! “ALL EYES ON ME BUT DONT TALK TO ME!!!!” thats what i’m doijg and it’s so fucking, awful and terrible and I feel sick but I cant stop!!! fuck I’m a piece of shit!!!  i am so sorry anyone ever has to put up with me!!!!!! and all this fucking isolation shit is making  it increasingly difficult for me to continue denying to myself that i have ANOTHER FUCKING MENTAL ILLNESS that i dont want to admit to having to myself  becuse it feels like i  have ~too many~  already and so if i have another i must be faking!! which doesnt even make any fucking sense because having more doesnt afford me any kind of advantage whatsoever so there’s ?? no reason for that???? but im fucking terrified about it anyway!!!! fuck!!! i’m so afraid that everyone will hate me

o h and just in case someone feels like this is urgent enough they need to talk to meanyway to tell me to stay safe like, please dont worry about it you dont need to i’m not gonna do anything drastic because i have t o finish all this DAMN HOMEWORK and then LIE DOWN AND SLEEP so just, I really appreciate the concern but I cant handle interaction right now and I live with my parents any way and everyone can hear every slight movement or noise since this issuch a n old house so I dont even have the means to do anything anyway ecause someone would come to see what was going on before anything could actually get done like right now my mom just came in here and was liek WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU STOOD UP AND WALKED AROUND and I said I havent and wont since I woke up and until I finish all this work I think she intends to bring me some of those awfuk nasty soy dogs in like 40 minutes o something

so like???? Awful(tm)