#despite being too young i love when prom season rolls around

[big-queer-mood]

Starry night gay prom aesthetic because it’s prom season y’all

- Mod Emma 💖

[amphtaminedreams]

Paris Haute Couture Week S/S 2020 Plus a Little Jacquemus: Okay, Dior DID Suck (Part 2/2)

Hi to anyone reading,

First of all, thank you! I have never had a post do as well as the part 1 of my haute couture week review did and I am so overwhelmed with the positive feedback. This is probably funny to read for those of you getting thousands of reblogs on your posts, me acting like I won an academy award because I got a couple of hundred, but honestly I don’t expect any traction when I write on here (it’s basically just me word vomiting everything I’m thinking as if people want to hear it aka. mouthing off into what I thought was the void) so if you did read it, thank you! I do spend a long-ass time on these so it means a lot:-)

I’ll leave the self-indulgent ramble there though as it’s probably not what you came for and jump straight into part 2 of my thoughts, starting with Jacquemus. Yeah, I knew what I was doing when I tagged that in my last post. Simon Porte Jacquemus is the man of the *fashion* people right now; I’ve even found myself coming round to the Le Chiquito bag despite my original thought being “well, that’s fucking useless”. I know, I know, technically it’s not haute couture; it was part of Men’s Fashion Week, but it happened around the same time and everyone was talking about it on Twitter, so I feel like I have to include it.

In a way, it kind of reminds me of Bottega Veneta’s last RTW show, in that, especially with the women’s outfits, we seem to be sticking with simple, fitted garments and chunky, more statement jewellery. I’ve got to say I like the styling here a lot more though, and in general I’m a fan of this collection. The collared tops with cut outs underneath blazers are cool and I can’t wait until it gets warm enough for me to not feel dumb wearing my headscarfs like this; there’s a LOT of summer outfit inspiration. It’s not a mind-blowing collection or anything but it is effortlessly sexy and that’s something I wish I could say about myself. Most of us can only hope to look half as good as these models do whilst making the effort but at least Jacquemus is aspirational, lol. 

I also fucking adore this colour palette. I’m sick of neutrals literally just meaning brown and white; the navy, sand and muted khaki is a fresh edition to what is usually interpreted as the colours you’d seen worn by Disney’s Riverboat Cruise staff and only Disney’s Riverboat Cruise staff. And I mean, come on-what is more neutral than typical English school carpet blue.

Next for the whole reason I had to make this haute couture week review 2 separate posts: Jean Paul Gaultier’s final show.

In the best way possible, it’s a lot. I don’t even really know where to start, except to say that I guess this is a fitting last show; a celebration of everything campy, messy, weird, performative, and punk is the perfect send off for a brand whose best known perfume of the last few years is called Scandal. More than anything, the final show represented the range of characters and cultures that have influenced JPG throughout his half-a-decade-long career, the lines that supposedly separate what is “masculine” and “feminine”, “old” and “young” and ultimately art and fashion blurred in the most exaggerated way possible. Sure, there are some looks which are individually a bit messy here but the way they were grouped into almost chapter-like segments meant that when you see them all together, they work. Nods to the patterns and structures that recurred from season to season were sprinkled throughout, from sailor stripes to corsets to the expected whirlwinds of colour. I’ll even allow the wellies in that one outfit; if I can get over bucket hats in Peter fucking Pilotto’s last RTW show, I can get over some questionable shoes here. Middle aged fishermen and boys who liked to pose with monster carp in their Tinder pictures as some weird display of masculinity everywhere rejoice.

Now onto a show that I personally found slightly disappointing: Margiela.

I think this one is a bit TOO weird for me. Like if you’re gonna go avant-garde, go all out. Chiffon gimp masks (I don’t know if that’s the intention here but that’s what I’m getting, sorry Maison) are something I’m not particularly fond of and I’ve never been a fan of the Tabi boots in the first place, let alone when they’ve seemingly been blown up to Michelin man style proportions. I didn’t find the show to be a total lost cause-I enjoyed the colour palette and I’ve always liked that contrast stitching detail, plus the bowler hats are interesting-but on the whole considering how much I liked the last RTW show, this is a bit of a let down. 

The looks I included are salvageable but (I feel mean saying this) there were genuinely a lot of pieces that did just resemble bits of fabric draped over each over with no discernible rhyme or reason, so much so that they reminded me of some of the monstrosities I saw at a Drag Race pub quiz this one time where we had 5 mins to make some garms out of loo roll and then have a team member model them for points down a makeshift runway. 

Ralph and Russo was alright. There were a few pieces that I really liked but again, I can’t help but compare this collection to the last, where it felt like the fussy details of bows and sequins and feathers and the Barbie Dreamhouse palette were utilised with a direction in mind. Here, I don’t get that. As ever, the gowns are gorgeous and I’d pay good money just to try one on for five minutes but as an overall collection I’d say there was a lack of higher vision, which is probably the snobbiest sentence I’ve ever written so forgive me.

As for Ronald Van Der Kemp, I could’ve done without including it to be honest, if it weren’t for the few pieces I’m in love with: the velvet cape, fur trimmed jacket and blue satin dress are probably my favourite pieces here.

So onto a collection I liked a lot more: Schiaparelli. 

The influence of nature from flowers in bloom to insects to the organic structure of the human skeleton is as present as ever, though this collection includes a lot more delicate symbolism than usual. Honestly, the details make it for me; the brooches, earrings and facial jewellery are other-worldly touches to outfits that could otherwise be simple fashion magazine editor on-the-go. That’s not in itself a bad thing! The suits are gorgeous. I mean, I’m talking fashion editor in New York in a power suit yelling orders down the phone while she rushes along with a coffee. A Miranda Priestley in the making type woman. THAT’S a modern take on the divine feminine that Maria Grazia should’ve been going for; our goddesses aren’t women who sit around looking pretty (though that helps too) and place curses on mere mortals anymore, they’re women who get shit done. 

With regards to Valentino, which was also a delight, let me start by saying this colour palette is EVERYTHING. It’s ugly sisters in Cinderella fantastic, and we know those 2 were the real fashion icons really. Other than that, I adore the Old Hollywood silhouettes from the gloves to the Liz Taylor-in-Cleopatra-level-dramatic earrings. Everything is opulent and expensive-looking and pretty much what we’ve all come to expect from Valentino. A strong 8/10.

For me personally, Viktor and Rolf was a standout and one of my favourite collections of haute couture week. It’s not going to be everyone’s cup of tea and I know it’s at the complete opposite end of the spectrum to what was probably my other favourite collection, Elie Saab, but this is just my style down to a T, the perfect balance of grungy and cutesy that I want to achieve. 

There’s probably going to be a lot of objections to the temporary face tattoos and I get that, but I think they’re fucking sick. I obviously wouldn’t get a permanent one lest my mother murder me in cold blood however if I did, you bet I would be pairing them with frilly-ass babydoll dresses that you could pick up in Camden Market like this. 

And last but not least (that would be Dior), there’s Zuhair Murad.

Sigh.

IDK, man. Seeing Zuhair Murad dresses on Tumblr and WeHeartIt (remember that site? It still exists!) as a 14 year old was one of the things that got me into fashion, so it sucks that almost every time a new collection comes around, I feel underwhelmed. Disappointingly, the brand hasn’t really progressed all that much since 2013. It goes without saying that the stoning and the embroidery and sequins are stunning and would make anyone feel like a princess but from a critical point of view, I’m just not seeing anything new here. Whereas I feel like Elie Saab, for example, reflected the growing fascination with East Asian fashion and recognition of the supremacy of the region’s street style in his haute couture last collection, Zuhair Murad seems to be stuck designing the same dresses he was 6 years ago. 

To pick one example, the rounded stoned necklines are so outdated that they’ve been making their way onto department store prom dresses for years. I get that it’s supposed to be a reference to Ancient Egyptian style and I respect that, I was one of those 8 year old that was obsessed with mummies and the “Curse of Tutankhamun”, but couldn’t it be done in a more interesting way? It’s Maria Grazia’s spin on Ancient Greece all over again. Now I get how how the I imagine very niche subsection of people who are into fashion and Julius Caesar (okay, so I don’t even know if they still believed in mythology and all that malarky at that point in history but just roll with my comparison here) might’ve felt going through Vogue Runway. Anyway, I hate to end on a critical note and so be clear, these are still absolutely magnificent dresses. If we ignore those ugly round necklines, that is.

So that’s it for this post! If you read part 1 and 2, I hope you enjoyed it! As always, let me know your opinions and feel free to disagree. I’m literally just about to start trawling through all the A/W 2020 RTW collections though I imagine that’s gonna take me way longer to do than this, so I wouldn’t expect that for a month or two. In the meantime, I’m trying to fit shooting a Euphoria-inspired lookbook into my days off work which is looking atm like it’s going to be the end of March, so look out for that, and also a review of the red carpet fashion from this season’s award shows. 

As ever, thank you so much for reading and again, thank you for the reception on part 1 if you were one of the people that read it. It makes staying up til 3am with the jitters seem worthwhile, lol! 

Lauren x

[simplyadorkable-blog1]

“Five Stars for Beezus” - Reaction

Jess prepares to tell Nick how she really feels about him. In other events, Nick has a meeting with a book publisher, Aly helps Winston reconnect with someone important and big news comes along for Schmidt and Cece.

Reaction:

I am losing my goddamn mind! I had to wait to watch this until Wednesday so you could say I was wired to watch the season finale. Not only was I nervous about a potential time jump/series finale, but I was on edge for Nick and Jess’ reunion. While my heart wanted to see more of them, but my brain understands that the way this was edited was for the best. And honestly, it just made me more excited hopeful for a renewal.

I literally called one of my best friends immediately after I watched this so we could talk about our feelings. We just had so many! That being said, I’m going to try to reign it in for this extra-long reaction. Jafjdioa;jfei;aklhcxio;zjfdlk.afj ;kfljdlas.zjfdskljfdahfdjvn … OKAY I’M READY.

Let’s start with Winston and Aly. As always, these two are perfect together. As if Aly needed anymore reason to find a space in my heart, she wowed me again. She knew exactly what Winston needed by providing him with his father’s phone number. She didn’t pressure him to do anything and in turn Winston decided on his own (with Jess’ inadvertent help) to call his dad on his own. If Winston hadn’t been confused by the diaper bandit and told his dad that Furguson wasn’t ready for a relationship, I would have been in complete tears the entire time and not just a few. Fox, please let us see where this goes.

The #2 moment I have been waiting for: a caramel miracle! The entire scenario of everyone finding out before Cece was so perfectly New Girl. And Schmidt’s reaction was so pure and heartfelt. Max and Hannah’s acting throughout was topnotch. We don’t usually get to see them with serious storylines but when we do, man is it a sight to see! For example, when Cece said she didn’t think it would happen for them, I lost it. It was like the pregnancy scare and “Eggs” was leading up to this moment. Cece finding out she was pregnant was so honest and sweet. I definitely made an embarrassing crying sob noise when she started to tear up. Fun fact: when my parents were pregnant with my older brother, my dad actually found out first and got to tell my mom, so I had a special connection to that scenario. Oh, and Schmidt’s flowers were bomb, that caused another fresh set of tears. I could honestly go on for hours on how perfectly that was executed.

Not to mention, Cece and Schmidt were all of us in 2017. The scene where they discussed Nick and Jess’ inevitability was clearly fanservice and I loved every second of it. It didn’t come off as cheap, it came across as genuine. It almost made me forget the monstrosity that was Nick dating Raisin despite how needed that was for Nick’s character. And he probably wouldn’t have written Pepperwood without her.

Tbh, I’m kinda bummed Sadie got divorced. Also tbh, I forgot about Sadie. I love that she was put into this episode in such a major way. Hopefully she’ll make another appearance in a potential 7th season.

All of the callbacks to the first two seasons were perfectly executed. Let’s see if I can hit all of the obvious ones: the yellow cat hat, “Time of Your Life,” caramel miracle, Jessica Night, only one charger, Nick falling in love with Jess the moment she walked through the door, and of course the elevator. Shouts to @zooeys for the parallel gifs.

Before I dive headfirst into Jess’ storyline with Nick, we cannot ignore Nick’s storyline with Pepperwood. First, the Pepperwood cosplays at the book reading slayed me. And please note there is clearly a Jessica Night cosplayer in front of Jess. I love how Nick’s perception of his novel compared to the actual fanbase is so off. Young adults love it! Which means I would probably love it too because my taste in books is that of a thirteen-year-old girl. I was wondering if Jessica Night was going to make a reappearance in his novel. I’m so glad she did! Though I did wish that Jess had stuck around to hear more of what Nick had to say on that topic. I agree with Schmidt (and Jess from an earlier season), Nick is the “dumbest boy in school.” Anyways, Nick talking to that publisher was comedic genius, I was in stitches that entire time. “What are you, some kind of a publisher?” “Yeah.” Haha, classic Nick. Then when he was in the meeting, I was surprised he didn’t run off for Jess right then. He literally could not get her off his mind. When Schmidt asked why he thought he didn’t care that he and Raisin broke up, all he could verbalize was related to Jess. You dumb boy, run to her! Thank God he did. (Drive faster, Beezus!)

Okay, now for the main attraction: NICK AND JESS. It’s weird to think they didn’t even see each other until the end of the episode for how much the entire story was about them. I kind of wish we had seen Nick see Jess outside the building for the first time for how sweetly Nick described it. But we at least got to see the recreation of it when they ran to each other. Oh, and don’t get me started on “Time of Your Life.” As if I wasn’t crying enough already. That’s when I really lost it. And then the music and tension of them missing each other on the stairs/elevator just built up to the perfect moment. Honestly, when the credits started rolling, I started freaking out. But man was that kiss worth it. And while I wanted to have seen more of them, it made me exceedingly optimistic about a renewal. We absolutely have to now (#reNewGirl).

Favorite quotes:

“I mean, look, the character based on me is a Jewish psychopath who wears a bolo tie and eats applesauce out of a baboon’s skull.” —Schmidt

“You’re going to have a bunch of salami floating around in your toilet bowl.” —Nick

“He’s rough and tumble. She’s sweet and sassy. It’s the moon and the tides, it’s the push and the pull.” —Schmidt

“Children’s literature just got a brand-new daddy.” —Schmidt

“You know me; I live where my stuff lives.” —Jess

“I published the entire Bitch Witch series. Bitch Witch Christmas, Bitch Witch Prom Night, and Bitch Witch of Rhode Island.” —Merle

“Real night-screamer. He couldn’t sleep unless he was screaming a whole bunch.” —Winston

“Portland, huh? Land of the muskrat.” —Winston

Predictions:

WE GET A 7TH SEASON

For a detailed breakdown of “Five Stars for Beezus” click here or visit the Episode page.

[fantasysuiteleague]

Week 1: Old Dog, Same Tricks

"From bad boy to Bachelor. We’ve all seen Nick grow.” But, have we? First of all, at no point in his life has Nick ever been a bad boy. He was (and still is) just a douchey toolbag who loves bracelets and fucking girls on TV. And I’m pretty sure he’s still that same person. Sure, he came off as more mature and almost cool on the most recent season of Paradise. But keep in mind that everyone else on that show was either (1) in their early 20s; and/or (2) retarded. So forgive me if I remain skeptical AF that Nick is going to be any different this season. Sure enough, as soon as his promo starts rolling my eyes are rolling into the back of my head. Like the rest of the world, he’s *shocked* to be the Bachelor, because he’s been on this show looking like a goddamn fool since January 2013. 

But don’t think he hasn’t learned from his mistakes. He knows his eyes are shifty, he always looks bored, he’s long-winded, and a tool. But getting his heart broken by two unemployed reality stars has taught him a lot, and he’s ready to show us what he’s learned. Gag. But before we can get to the ladies, Nick sits down with the Ghosts of Bachelor’s Past for one more reminder that (1) everyone thinks he sucks; (2) he was cool on Paradise; (3) he’s totally going to find love. 

That’s Me In the Spotlight.  

As in years past, we start by meeting a few girls that ABC wants us to keep our eyes on this season:

Rachel: She’s a 31-year-old corporate defense attorney who runs fake meetings and takes sloppy notes on a legal pad. But like all corporate lawyers, she works hard AND plays hard by .... vacuuming! 

Danielle M.: Our first small business owner who opened her first nail salon at age 23 thanks to daddy. She’s definitely one to watch, mostly because she’s so hot and reminds me of Brit.

Vanessa: Despite the fact that she’s a special needs teacher sporting 4-inch heels and skinny jeans to work, Vanessa--much like Rachel--seems like an intelligent, cultured woman who may have accidentally signed up for this show instead of The Apprentice. 

Josephine: 

Raven: Yet another small business owner whose voice and long black hair reminds me of Pensatucky from Orange is the New Black (minus the whole meth thing).

Corinne: THE WORST. Instantly, the worst. She “runs” her family business, which is worth millions by the way. She lives with her parents. And. AND. Her childhood nanny RAQUEL!! My god. Raquel.  Pray for Raquel.  

Alexis: The troll of the group, Alexis makes it pretty clear right away that she will do literally anything for laughs because her parents neglected her as a child.

Danielle L.: Immediately giving me Whitney vibes with her terrible high voice and respectable job working with babies. She seems incredibly *nice* (read: boring and lacking personality), but I’m sure she’ll make it far because in another life Nick would end up with her.

Taylor: A “mental health counselor” with a Masters from Johns Hopkins who should definitely know better than to sign up for this show. Then again, she’s 23 and has clearly never actually worked as a mental health counselor before. She also mentions that both white and black girls don’t like her because she’s biracial, but I’m guessing the real reason is that shes just terrible. 

Liz: I have so many problems with Liz, and we will get to all of them in due time, but first and foremost: it was tacky AF to read her Maid of Honor speech from her iPhone at a televised Bachelor wedding. 

You Don’t Have to Put on the Red Light.

The limo entrances this year left much to be desired, but I think that’s a good sign that not all of these girls are daft. From what we saw, the entrances can be categorized as either cute, terrible, or sexual. In the “cute” group we have the normal girls like Vanessa and Danielle M. and Sarah (the “runner up”). I also liked Rachel’s reference to her fantasy league because she’s just like us! In fact, that could be you one day! But then I’d be writing about how you dumb you sound. In the category of “terrible” entrances, we have the likes of Christen, a wedding videographer in a tacky yellow prom dress from Forever 21 who waves a Chinese fan around and then talks to Nick in a baby voice. I hate her so much. Not surprisingly, Josephine placed herself in this category by showing up with a terrible wig and offering Nick an uncooked hot dog.

Taylor also confirms that she is as dumb as she looks by letting Nick know that all of her friends think he’s a complete piece of shit. But don’t worry, she doesn’t believe them and is totally here for the #rightreasons. A considerable number of women went with the “sex” route, because apparently ABC is sex-positive only when it’s The Bachelor. Hailey lets him know she’s not wearing underwear, which is pretty nasty given the 12+ hours they have to spend sitting around that house sweating, drinking and vying for his attention. Astrid offers up her titties while speaking German, while Lacey shows up on a camel and makes a lame “hump” joke. Liz is the last sex-related entrance worth mentioning, because she has already had sex with him. She isn’t sure if Nick is going to remember her, but as soon as she steps out of the limo and his eyes get shifty it’s pretty obvious he knows exactly who she is. The question is whether he knew this was coming, or if he’s just terrible at playing it cool. Maybe both. Chris Harrison, however, is pretty terrible at playing it cool and makes it pretty obvious this was all a set up.

Shark or Dolphin?

Once all the girls have arrived, Nick kicks off the cocktail party with a sappy pre-rehearsed speech about how he’s looking for a woman who feels empowered and will be his partner and that every woman is worth dating. I think he’s trying to do this thing called “feminism,” but he doesn’t quite stick the landing because everything about him screams “I’m a beta bitch boy.” Throughout the night the girls talk about how *hot* Nick is and how they wish they hadn’t worn red. Meanwhile, Alexis is having the time of her life performing the dance moves from Katy Perry’s halftime show and demanding that everyone admit she is dressed as a dolphin, not a shark.

Now generally I’m not a fan of those so desperate for attention, but Alexis is hilarious. She’s clearly trolling everyone the whole time, and most of the girls are too dumb to notice. Meanwhile, Corinne is solidifies herself as the villainous slut of the season by handing Nick a bang of rape tokens and letting him know he can use them for “whatever he wants.” She later steals Nick from Vanessa just to kiss him and then proceeds to tell everyone about the kiss the rest of the night, because as Raquel could surely tell you, it’s all about Corinne. The most awkward conversation of the night comes when Liz finally gets a chance to talk to Nick. Her presence on this show is incredibly suspect for a number of reasons, but the clear one being that she slept with Nick, he asked for her number, she said NO, and now, 9 months later, she’s on the show trying to date him. Naturally Nick asks what we’re all thinking:

According to Liz, she had a “stereotype” about him when she met him, then saw him on Paradise and he wasn’t that “stereotype,” but doesn’t like to ask for people’s numbers because she thinks if it’s meant to be it will work out. 

So not only does Liz have no idea what the word “stereotype” means, but she is also completely full of shit. She clearly slept with him because he was good-looking and wanted to be able to say “I slept with Tricky Nick,” but knowing he was a douchebag she wasn’t interested. After learning he was going to be the Bachelor, she thought “well shit, I bet they’ll let me on the show and I can get some screen time.” Lucky for her the Bachelor producers are sluts for dumb drama, but she really should have practiced her defense to a #rightreasons accusation. 

Roses are Red

The remainder of the night was uneventful. Rachel got the first impression rose which was surprising but also not surprising. Surprising because the Bachelor has a race problem and most men they pick aren’t necessarily interested in women of color. Not surprising because Rachel seems incredibly intelligent and down to earth, and you can tell they really hit it off. Noticeably, the girls this season all seem to have real jobs (minus the “Law School Graduate” and the “Witch”) and the ones who actually work are being heavily featured (not counting Corinne). 

It’s refreshing to see women who aren’t flight attendants and dental hygienists, but it also makes the show even less realistic. For example, these small business owners can’t just leave their businesses and move out to LA with Nick to shill white strips in on Instagram. So is Nick willing to move to be with them? Notably, we didn’t spend any time talking about where Nick lives and if he actually has a job, which makes me wonder if ABC wants to ignore that aspect so they can keep flaunting their “accomplished” contestants without addressing the fact that the whole point of this show is for two people to *fall in love* and get married and live happily ever after, in the same city. It will be interesting to see these seemingly more intelligent women navigate through the familiar obstacle course this season, but I’m not getting my hopes up for anything revolutionary. After all, like the Bachelor himself, this show is just an old dog with the same tricks.

Did you notice . . . 

The b-roll of Nick running around Millennium Park and strolling down Clark street in a button down is the laziest attempt to convince us that he hasn’t been living in LA and *modeling* for the past 3 years. 

Susannah’s beard massage.

Christen (terrible yellow dress) talks to Nick like he’s a puppy that she’s training. She’s terrible and has GOT TO GO.

A lot of these women are really young, which makes their desire to date a 36-year-old professional Bachelor even more pathetic than your average Bachelor contestant.

Jasmine G. is a dancer for the Golden State Warriors. Hope she makes it to the final four and then blows a 3-1 lead. 

Nick repeating “civil defense litigation” like he’s trying to learn Spanish

Corinne was always posing in the background of shots, knowing the camera was on her.  Watch for it. God I hate/love her so much.

Fun fact: dolphins are the only other animals (besides humans) who have sex solely for pleasure. Seems like a missed opportunity by Alexis.

Nick begrudgingly giving Josephine a rose, clearly because the producers want her to stick around a few weeks.

Minority Report: We have a TON of minorities this season. And by a ton, I mean 8 out of 30 (25%)!  We lost at least 3, I think (it’s hard to keep track, they all look alike), but I am INCREDIBLY optimistic about this season. The previews (and the limo music) make it seem like Rachel goes pretty far, so it looks like for the first time ever we might have a Blachelorette (Black Bachelorette). Now this of course begs the question of whether Nick actually likes Rachel or is keeping her around because he’s a puppet and ABC REALLY needs more diversity. It will be an interesting relationship to watch develop, and I’m sure haters and Trump’s America will claim it’s basically affirmative action, but it’s 2017, so I’ll remain optimistic for now.

[girlgainsbourger]

Hold on fast to living

New to this (again). I’ve been apprehensive to start a new outlet because my writing and creative skills are slowly diminishing (with age) and my life is pretty mediocre these days. Plus there’s this whole “starting anew/ clean slate” feeling that’s terrifying because my obsessive-compulsive mind is too afraid to miss out the smallest detail so I’d rather not document anything esp on my journal since I fear committing mistakes the most and that prevents me from doing anything. Marc Johns once shared that he makes his own journals (as in he binds them himself) so he doesn’t feel regretful of whatever he had written and Emma Watson said someone told her that there’s nothing more intimidating than a blank canvas, which is true. Sometimes that’s what makes me give up writing and/or doing things altogether. On the other hand, not being able to chronicle my thoughts, inspirations, discoveries and misadventures makes me sad. I don’t remember any of the mundane things I laughed at during the Christmas season which was one of the best moments of my life. I’m starting to forget what happened when I threw my boyfriend (I call him Johnny online) his very first prom. I don’t have a list of songs that changed my life in 2016 so I don’t know where to send my thank you notes to. Now (well not exactly now, it has become a recurring thought) I realized that I’m writing for myself, so writing bad entries is ok and shouldn’t feel like homework. That it’s far more important that I remember certain periods, feelings or strange magic (as I, my sister and our homie, Tavi like to call it) rather than worrying whether I sound fancy or intellectual (something I won’t ever be anyway cos I’m always grammatically incorrect). That I should keep writing despite the normality of my life because that's the only way I'll get better at writing, plus whoelse is going to log all the times I rewatch Roswell? That I should stop writing as if I’m writing for an audience and just be completely honest with myself because this is my space. That it’s ok to allow myself to write bad, cringey poetry because I can see myself develop from it and at least I have something to look back on and laugh at in the future. I realized that if I didn’t write, or try to, I wouldn’t be able to encapsulate important adulting moments, silly conversations, filmy feelings, sartorial choices, bathroom epiphanies, etc. I realized that in order for me to let of of the perpetual fear/ anxiety of creating/ writing something, I should just describe things as I see them. Less is more and just being sincere and honest about the things I write about often leads to a product of inspiring and inspired writing.

There are so many things I regret not being able to write about because I was either too lazy or too “in the moment and now it’s too late to write about it cos time has passed”. So here’s a list of some 2016-2017 things I can write from memory:

- Sitting on the curb outside 7/11 with my sister Hanna after an outdoor movie (it was Matilda), listening to Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over on loudspeaker

- The electric feel of meeting Johnny for the first time after months of unbearable yearning, like the by way of the green line bus scene on the Royal Tenenbaums. How gawky it was. How unadulterated it was. Thinking about it today, from this gradual mediocrity, still makes me cry.

- Watching Gainsbourg: vie heroïque again after the last time (2011?) and regaining my fondness for Klimt, Baudelaire and Aznavour, knowing the difference between Rimbaud and Molière and how the scene with Yolanda Moreau, underrated French actress btw, made me emotional. I paused the film, listened to Fréhel for a while, and tears started rolling down like end credits. The world, c’est si bon.

- Reading Toast on the bus ride home one night and The Hottest State in a local cafe, looking up from time to time in hopes that someone would find me as interesting as Sarah. But there’s always no one there.

- I remember getting on a bus cos I was leaving for school in a town 7 hours away from my home. My dad just got off after helping me get settled and I started crying. A few seconds later, he climbed back up cos I left my hat and he sees me a wreck so he sat beside me for a few minutes, sharing a sad-comfortable silence.

- Discussing ideas and the future with my cousin Lowil over mac n cheese. I told him I just want to make art for a living but I seem to have forgotten how. That when I try to make something, it’s always crap and since I feel like I have a good critical eye and can easily tell good from bad, I figured my feelings about my own work must be true. He then replied that it’s just overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and that I just have to keep practicing and eventually the persistence will pay off.

- Breakfast with my family in our garden, feeling like a scene from Vicky Christina Barcelona or Tortilla Soup or that life pondering conversation lunch scene from Before Midnight. Everything was fresh like a citrus fruit.

- My friendship with Aida leveled up when we started opening up to each other about our depression and finding peace in each other’s consolation

- Virtually watched the Gilmore Girls reboot with Aida and I remembered most of it was disappointment (what was up with that 20-minute musical scene that felt like 14 hours) and the next day, we watched the last episode, Fall, and Reflecting Light started playing and it’s as if Aida’s hand reached out of the screen, grabbing mine and things were better for a while. This is our life, and if everything else crumbles, at least we have this.

- Crying at a club whilst I was dancing with Rosie on her last night in the country because I don’t want this but I’ll miss her

- Dancing to Neil Young’s Harvest Moon with Carlo was bewitching. A lilting reminder that despite the persistent mediocrity, “I’m still in love with you, I wanna see you dance again.”

- My excitement on September and watching Practical Magic almost every day, to welcome October, made me feel immortal

- Going to Hongkong with my sister, Hanna, and all I can remember is catching our breath, sitting in an alley with our egg tarts in Central and laughing at our ludicrous travel decisions

- Sitting in history class and my instructor started to sound like the grownups in Charlie Brown, a lump in my throat and on the verge of crying because I know and I was certain that school isn’t for me and continues to be the bane of my existence

- A wave of depression so intense it made me sit on the floor of my balcony at 3am listening to Crash Into Me

- Throwing a bachelorette (party of four) for my sister, Inky. Her best friend posed as her stripper because we’re too much of a wimp to get a real stripper and I’ve never seen her laugh so much before. We went out for drinks after and had an intense and honest conversation despite the godawful ambiance and waited for our guy friends to pick us up. All I remember about it now was the tumble and tangle of limbs but it was one of the best moments of my 2017

- Growing closer to my sisters. I don’t know how, I don’t know when BUT HERE WE ARE

- Listening to the entire Dreamin' Wild album by Donnie & Joe Emerson on vinyl. Johnny bought it for me as a Christmas present and I know he saved up for it for a while

- Welcoming 2017 with a studio 70s roller disco party and I can never write about this because it was everything

- The first week of January, Johnny so openly talked to me about how much he hates his work and that he doesn’t know what to do and we just sat on the bed and I played Billy Joel’s James and we started bawling like babies. A week after that, he finally left his job

- Right now, listening to Paul Simon sing American Tune, muting the people around me, eating the last of my cake. I realize we’re nearing towards the end of February and I’m still not beginning

I promise to try to update this more, whether if it's a bad movie review, the usual list of things or just a moodboard of inspiration. But I'd forgive myself if I didn't.

[girl-gainsbourg]

Hold on fast to living

New to this (again). I’ve been apprehensive to start a new outlet because my writing and creative skills are slowly diminishing (with age) and my life is pretty mediocre these days. Plus there’s this whole “starting anew/clean slate” feeling that’s terrifying because my obsessive-compulsive mind is too afraid to miss out the smallest detail so I’d rather not document anything esp on my journal since I fear committing mistakes the most and that prevents me from doing anything. Marc Johns once shared that he makes his own journals (as in he binds them himself) so he doesn’t feel regretful of whatever he had written and Emma Watson said someone told her that there’s nothing more intimidating than a blank canvas, which is true. Sometimes that’s what makes me give up writing and/or doing things altogether. On the other hand, not being able to chronicle my thoughts, inspirations, discoveries and misadventures makes me sadder. I don’t remember any of the silly things I laughed at during the Christmas season which was one of the best moments of my life; I’m starting to forget what happened when I threw my boyfriend (I call him Johnny online) his very first prom; I don’t have a list of songs that changed my life in 2016 so I don’t know where to send my thank you notes to. Now (well not exactly now but it has become a recurring thought) I realized that I’m writing for myself, so writing bad entries is ok and shouldn’t feel like homework. That it’s far more important that I remember certain periods, feelings or strange magic (as I, my sister and our homie, Tavi like to call it) rather than worrying whether I sound fancy or intellectual (something I won’t ever be anyway cos I’m always grammatically incorrect). That I should keep writing despite the normality of my life because that's the only way I'll get better at it, plus whoelse is going to log all the times I rewatch Roswell? That I should stop writing as if I’m writing for an audience and just be completely honest with myself because this is my space (not yours, Bethany). That it’s ok to allow myself to write bad, cringey poetry because I can see myself develop from it and at least I have something to look back on and laugh at in the future. I realized that if I didn’t write, or try to, I wouldn’t be able to encapsulate important adulting moments, silly conversations, filmy feelings, sartorial choices, bathroom epiphanies, etc. I realized that in order for me to let go of the perpetual fear/ anxiety of creating/ writing something, I should just describe things as I see them. Less is more and just being sincere and honest about the things I write about often leads to a product of inspiring and inspired writing.

There are so many things I regret not being able to write about because I was either too lazy or too “in the moment and now it’s too late to write about it cos time has passed”. So here’s a list of some 2016-2017 things I can write from memory, just to start this blog off:

- Sitting on the curb outside 7/11 with my sister Hanna after an outdoor movie (it was Matilda), listening to Crowded House’s Don’t Dream It’s Over on loudspeaker

- The electric feel of meeting Johnny for the first time after months of unbearable yearning, like the by way of the green line bus scene on the Royal Tenenbaums. How gawky it was. How unadulterated it was. Thinking about it today, from this gradual mediocrity, still makes me cry.

- Watching Gainsbourg: vie heroïque again after the last time (2011?) and regaining my fondness for Klimt, Baudelaire and Aznavour, knowing the difference between Rimbaud and Molière and how the scene with Yolanda Moreau, underrated French actress btw, made me emotional. I paused the film, listened to Fréhel for a while, and tears started rolling down like end credits. The world, c’est si bon

- Reading Toast on the bus ride home one night and The Hottest State in a local cafe, looking up from time to time in hopes that someone would find me as interesting as Sarah. But there’s always no one there.

- I remember getting on a bus cos I was leaving for school in a town 7 hours away from my home. My dad just got off after helping me get settled and I started crying. A few seconds later, he climbed back up cos I left my hat and he sees me a wreck so he sat beside me for a few minutes, sharing a sad-comfortable silence.

- Discussing ideas and the future with my cousin Lowil over mac n cheese. I told him I just want to make art for a living but I seem to have forgotten how. That when I try to make something, it’s always crap and since I feel like I have a good critical eye and can easily tell good from bad, I figured my feelings about my own work must be true. He then replied that it’s just overwhelming feelings of self-doubt and that I just have to keep practicing and eventually the persistence will pay off.

- Breakfast with my family in our garden, feeling like a scene from Vicky Christina Barcelona or Tortilla Soup or that life pondering conversation lunch scene from Before Midnight. Everything was fresh like a citrus fruit.

- My friendship with Aida leveled up when we started opening up to each other about our depression and finding peace in each other’s consolation

- Virtually watched the Gilmore Girls reboot with Aida and I remembered most of it was disappointment (what was up with that 20-minute musical scene that felt like 14 hours) and the next day, we watched the last episode, Fall, and Reflecting Light started playing and it’s as if Aida’s hand reached out of the screen, grabbing mine and things were better for a while. This is our life, and if everything else crumbles, at least we have this.

- Crying at a club whilst I was dancing with Rosie on her last night in the country because I don’t want this but I’ll miss her

- Dancing to Neil Young’s Harvest Moon with Carlo was bewitching. A lilting reminder that despite the persistent mediocrity, “I’m still in love with you, I wanna see you dance again.”

- My excitement on September and watching Practical Magic almost every day, to welcome October, made me feel immortal

- Going to Hongkong with my sister, Hanna, and all I can remember is catching our breath, sitting in an alley with our egg tarts in Central and laughing at our ludicrous travel decisions

- Sitting in history class and my instructor started to sound like the grownups in Charlie Brown, a lump in my throat and on the verge of crying because I know and I was certain that school isn’t for me and continues to be the bane of my existence

- A wave of depression so intense it made me sit on the floor of my balcony at 3am listening to Crash Into Me

- Throwing a bachelorette (party of four) for my sister, Inky. Her best friend posed as her stripper because we’re too much of a wimp to get a real one and I’ve never seen her laugh as much as she did before. We went out for drinks after and had an intense and honest conversation despite the godawful ambiance and waited for our friends to pick us up. All I remember about it now was the tumble and tangle of limbs but it was one of the best moments of my 2017 tbfh

- Growing closer to my sisters. I don’t know how, I don’t know when BUT HERE WE ARE

- Listening to the entire Dreamin' Wild album by Donnie & Joe Emerson on vinyl. Johnny bought it for me as a Christmas present and I know he saved up for it for a while and that makes my mouth quiver

- Welcoming 2017 with a studio 70s roller disco party and I can never write about this because it was everything

- The first week of January, Johnny so openly talked to me about how much he hates his work and that he doesn’t know what to do with his life anymore and we just sat on the bed sharing an understanding and I played Billy Joel’s James and we started bawling like babies. A week after that, he finally left his job

- When I watched this conversation between RuPaul and Oprah that literally changed my life. It’s like they sat down and recorded a self-help audiobook

- Right now, listening to Paul Simon sing American Tune, muting the people around me, eating the last of my cake. I realize we’re nearing towards the end of February and I’m still not beginning

I promise to try to update this more, whether if it's a bad movie review, the usual list or just a moodboard of inspiration. But I'd forgive myself if I didn't.