#despite basically all my close circle being adhd including my partner

[casual-eumetazoa]

i feel like my brain was made for surviving a zombie apocalypse, not for existing in the current world (even with all the bullshit constantly going on)

every two months or so i learn the exact same lesson, which is that if something doesn’t have a deadline, it will not get done, ever. and this applies to things i want to do purely for myself, because i enjoy them. if i won’t set a deadline, i will never ‘feel like it’

on the other hand, setting a deadline gives me immense anxiety that makes me feel like i am running away from a wolf 24/7. it is a tremendous (and only effective) motivator to get shit done, but it also pumps metric tonnes of adrenaline and cortisol into my blood that i can only get off by working frantically in a hyperfocus or going on a 10km walk. 

so the only two states i exist in are sluggish apathy and frenzied activity. no inbetween. which is not at all how i want to live my life. i want something other than spending a whole day bored and unsettled and only being able to play video games or scroll my phone - or physically shaking over a to-do list that i crammed to the brim on purpose in hopes i will get at least something done

in conclusion, i want a return on this brain. it’s a much higher difficulty setting than i was promised