#desi13

[absolutebisaster]

Amelia's follow forever

@magefeathered

@snot-boy

@queerkymagpie

@texanpanda

@desi13

@serendipitydoodaaday

[angelscalamity]

Here's a rough little piece of something my friend and I where writing..

Well.. maybe not for tumblr on my phone will not let me paste...

This ended badly.

Fuck.

[thegingerhermit]

Trust me Kage, it's the ONLY way!

[vongothica]

Tumblr Crushes:

desi13

carrotcakebandit

hetalia-yaoi-freak

lovelyspiral

doctorwho

nerdybrunette

sheikahstone

missbi-polar

somanyotps

Desi-chan is my number 1 this week! :D

[follow-your-destiny]

Tumblr Crushes:

foul-mouthed-jashinist

spindrift-ai

strawberrymedic

desi13

swagaliciousrapperbee

its-whats-on-the-inside

young-hawk

thegingerhermit

oro-chi

The awkward moment when I barely talk to Hidan and for some reason he's before my boyfriend ;-; The other awkward moment when Desi and Katie are on there twice.

[desi13]

Kinda sucks... I want to go on an adventure but I don't want to go alone... just a short adventure... drive around and talk or chill... I can't go alone cause my good car is down, but idk just feeling shitty cause I know I'm the one that just "out of nowhere what's to do something" but sometimes I just need it... when people asked me what I need... just go out and drive with me... I miss it.. it sucks.. I try not to ask for much but I feel like it is because of my friends.. some say it is too much... but maybe its life or death. I'm done with being inside all the time I NEED to do something I used to do and if that's driving then so be it.. but I like to do it with a friend and it I can't ask them anymore because they can't anymore.. so I guess I'll just sit in my sorrow and not do what makes me happy or anything my friends can do... I'll help them with everything but when I ask to do something out of the blue they can't which I understand but I want to cry about it later..

I don't have children so it's harder but I hate the question. How can I help? If I tell them then it's well "it needs to be planned" my DEPRESSION is not planned so I don't know what to do anymorw...

This rant is I don't want to say anything about 'hot springs' or 'take a drive' cause I know the result will be "well it's not planned" or "we can't right now" so I don't even want to ask anymore...

So I will just sit in my sorrow and deal with it..

[desi13]

I wanna just disappear..

[desi13]

When you feel like a maid in your relationship...

Wow just wow... when did I have to become the man in all this... fix a fence, get pellets, do this do that while I have a bad back the least thing he can do is fucking help me but no... I have to do all these things... while I'm trying to get us a new couch and then have to go and get another... I understand why his relationships never last long...

[desi13]

Wow, I love that the court system out here would keep a mother from her children with lies and slander... great place we live in...

There's a lot to this story but my friend is going through some fucked up shit and I'm ready to just snap...

[desi13]

So...

I'm starting to go back to a therapist I have my second appt. on Saturday and I'm hoping that it helps... there is so much I want to work on and going 4 times a month for now is nice..

[desi13]

Have you ever been so happy but depressed at the same time? Like I'm happy about one thing but all I can do is cry about another. I feel stupid about it but a can't help it, what the fuck is wrong with me... I just feel empty and sad all the time but I have to put a smile on or else I feel like I can't do it. I have this good thing coming my way but I can't seem to get a haunting thought out of my head and its just sad... I have people that love me and people I love and people I fucking just miss with all my heart and no amount of I'm sorrys will fix those it seems... I've been lost in my own fucked up head and I can't seem to get out... I haven't been listening to the words that my friends tell me and now I'm realizing I fucked up and its killing me and then I have this imagine of me being alone for the rest of my life and I feel so selfish for it. Why do I need to be sad when other people have it worse then me... I hate it... fuck you depression... go fuck yourself... I wish I could just be happy with my life... but were human and greedy as hell...

[desi13]

do you ever get that feeling you're lost in your own mind or that you know your destination but can't seem to grasp at it. That's how I've been feeling lately lost and scared and just plain fucked up. I can't control what comes out of my mouth nor the feeling that I don't really care I just kinda say sorry, but I don't really mean sorry I just say it as to make the person not mad at me any more and to me that's fucked up. I know its fucked up but I can't stop myself. It just seems to happen. 

that's not the only thing that has been bothering me. I feel so stuck and I try not to think of the future but I do and I think that's so unappealing to most people, they live in the here and now and I try to think of the future the sad thing is a game taught me that well you might have thought you were right but look at the out come. You done fucked up and I did my choices, though limited fucked up the situation and I see that but at the time it was the right choice for me to make I think, but who knows, a fucking videogame showed me this not fucking life... go figure, I knew about the whole choices have consequence but not until, yes a fucking videogame, where you control a player and make decisions and either make everything good or fuck it all up. Most of my shit I'm pretty sure fucked it all up and I see that in my life, I make one good choice and 50 fucking other choices I make fuck everything up and I know that's life but fuck hearing that a low life, piece of shit douche bag won 36,000 dollars playing a slot machine really pisses me off or the fact that I can't even get a guy to take a fucking glance at me but all these other skanky hoes get all the attention... why well they do open there legs but you know what I'm really fucking easy... hell talk to me and tell me I'm pretty and I'll probably sleep with you. It's just I never really get the chance, but that doesn't make me feel better it makes me actually unworthy of anyone that actually whats something with me, they just fuck me and throw me to the side, the only person I actually had a connection with is a lot older then me and travels literally 10 months out of the year for work.

I can't caught a break and I know I say I don't want a relationship but now I'm starting to think well maybe I really do want someone to come home to and watch fucking tv, cuddle and go on adventures with... but I can't even find my head half the time and don't pull that if you can't love yourself no one will love you, bullshit if someone fell in love with my while I was broken and rose me back to being me again and stayed by me through my hardships then fucking hell I'd keep them, I have problems liking myself I do... I know I few things about myself that I like, I think I'm a good friend I try and help whenever I can, I offered to help pay one of my friends bill just in case her boyfriend had surgery on his broken eye socket and I try to be there for her baby. I love that little guy and I would give the world to him if I could, same goes for my other friends sons, I can't help but feel worthless at times and feel like the world doesn't need me that they would be fine without me... that maybe without holding them back they could do more like move, publish a book, or just not have to hear me bitch about my pathetic life of work, eat, sleep and random shit that they have to put up with, but I couldn't do that I've already seen what losing me does to the... different types of lose like moving or suicidal tendencies or just having a giant fight and not talking for some reason or another they love me and I can't tell why. It makes it easier but I'm still in this piece of shit mood of being down about myself whether its my weight or feeling ugly or just not having anyone a guy or girl to actually want to be with me, just me. I have also discovered that I really want a baby, strange I do get baby fever when someone close to me has a baby, but I feel this time is different its like pains me and it's stupid and really dumb but looking into a face of innocence it hurts to know that one day they'll be a corrupted as all of us, they'll loose all that wonder and joy and replace it with what we are... just people going along hating our life... well at least right now I hate my life who knows though I might come out of this..

this rant was supposed to be about a horrible decision I made this weekend and having a videogame add salt to injury when I didn't like the ending I got because of a decision I made earlier in the game but I guess I need more off my chest. Did it make me feel better? Not really but oh well back to my worthless pathetic life.     

[desi13]

Fuck it I'm fucking done... I can't keep thinking that people are going to come around... I have to just give up on it... I have to I'm done with the crying I'm done with not feeling good enough for people... I'm done with being judged I'm done caring for people who obviously don't give a fuck about me and my feeling... I don't know why I hurt so much... over something as stupid as not feeling wanted... I wish I didn't care but it's so fucking hard... people are assholes and the sad thing is I care for people too much even the assholes... I can't run away from it and its so damn hard... I think maybe just maybe people will see me in a different light... but no I'm innocent and childish and not fucking skinny enough obviously like really that's how I feel... and they'll go and say I want to fuck the lesbian... really i doubt she ever will but ok go ahead and try you peice of shit... god I feel so fucking stupid... I cried so hard... I feel like I'm trash... yes I'm nice yes I care... doesn't mean I'm a fucking prude assholes... but no since I'm so fucking innocent I don't deserve a sex life at all... why the fuck do I even want to have sex with this person... I don't know maybe its because this person I feel is a goal... but why... fucking why.. fuck my fucking life I'm fucking done with this peice of shit life... I'm done with having people making me feel this way... Yeah I have a girl that wants my V but jesus try to get a guy that wants it is like pulling teeth while there still in the gums and haven't even popped out... fucking fucking FUCKING FUCKING FUCK THIS FUCK THAT FUCK YOU FUCKING FUCKING FUCKING FUCK SHIT CUNT ASS MOTHER FUCKERS AND THERE MOTHER FUCKING WHORE ASS BITCH CUNT FUCKING FUCKING FUCK... Sorry... I just don't understand people they say woman are complicated... give some dick and will be happy... I was fucking willing but no that's to FUCKING EASY... but I thought easy was everyone's thing... all I want to do is have sex... that's it... I like sex and I'm not ashamed of that... sex is fucking great... but getting even someone to look at me is hard as fuck... fuck it I'm done... fuck it...

[desi13]

Just when I start to feel better about myself and everything just, when I feel like I can take on the world with the right attitude, I get knocked down and beaten and battered and bruised. I fucking hating it... I just want to hide in a corner... its just not worth being happy anymore... the really sad thing is that I'm fully aware of the down fall I can feel it I see it in front of me. I can see the ledges too, but its just not worth grabbing on to one. Maybe I just need to fall to descend... then I'll climb back up, but its so hard to climb back up because once I'm half-way there. I fall all over again...

[desi13]

I'm excited! Have a tattoo appt on the 9th of May. Getting my streampunked owl on my side... so freaking excited!