#depression is so deceptive. when I’m depressed I tend to act happier just so folks dont catch on and I can see now that she ws doing the sam | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

trannykong · 1 year ago

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Man. It is rough being the only queer person in my family. I would like a relationship with these people, but they’re a bunch of cishets and getting close to one of them reminds me of why i distanced myself in the first place.

#mourning my cousin and mourning the relationship i never had with her because ive been so distant #trying to form a relationship with other survivng cousins and feeling their cishet eyes upon me #to have a relationship with these people is to be on the defensive so as to protect myself #to have a relationship with them is to prepare myself to be ignored if I try to explain queer struggles #to have those struggles played down #cishet white folks who subscribe to the predominant gender binary and can willingly ignore the rise of fascism #the cousin who reaches out the most couldn’t stop saying that our cousin’s death affects her more than most because they were close #spoke almost exclusively about herself during her speech at our cousin’s memorial #during the memorial in general I felt like i was in a dream #genuinely felt out of touch with reality #i kept expecting her to walk through the door #i saw her face several times in the people that were there #she took her own life and I can’t even ask why #depression is so deceptive. when I’m depressed I tend to act happier just so folks dont catch on and I can see now that she ws doing the sam #hearing people talk about her had me feeling like I was being described #so many of the things she valued & did for others & just liked to do in general are things I heavily relate to #she may be gone but I feel her with me in that way.#im tired and i need a hug

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