#depression be hitting me like some British kid just said “I like trains”

[butterflies-and-bumble-bees]

.💀

[jaskiers-sweetkiss]

Bombshell [B. Barnes] - 2

Pairing: British SHIELD Agent!Reader x Bucky Barnes

Warnings: swearing, (legal) alcohol consumption, explosions, memory loss, mentions of past trauma, mentions of death

Work Count: 5.8K

See end for Author’s Notes.

Masterlist  Previous Part

___

"Agent Y/L/N, what's your status?" the concerned voice crackled over the coms. "Y/L/N check in."

You huffed, rolling your eyes as you took out a guard.

"Jesus Rogers, we split up less than two minutes ago. I'm fine."

"I'm sorry for being concerned," Steve muttered sarcastically under his breath, the coms barely picked it up and you bit back a laugh, trying to remain stealthy.

You peaked your head around the corner, peering into the large room before you to ensure that it was empty. Once you were sure it was clear, you made your way around what appeared to be a storage room, checking for any objects of importance or secret passageways. As you cleared each wall, you made sure to slap a small disk to each one.

"Y/N, we're at the quinjet, what's your status?" Natasha came over the coms.

"Just finishing up down here Nat," you replied lightly, making your way back to the stairs, slapping a few more disks in the hallway for good measure. "Who's 'we'?"

"Steve and me."

You sighed, equal parts worried and relieved. "Wilson, what's your position?"

"Couple Nazis on the roof, I've got it covered," Sam responded with a grunt.

"Take them out quickly, please," you ordered, holding your position on the stairs. "I'm activating the bombs and we'll only have a couple of minutes to get out of here."

"Yes ma'am," Sam answered, and you almost thought you could hear him mock salute you, "Will you have enough time?"

"What do you take me for?" You gasped, offended, "an amateur?"

Sam barked out a laugh and you couldn't help but smile in response.

"Nazis down." He announced over the coms. "Commence explosions."

"With pleasure," you smirked, pressing the button on the activator. "T-minus five minutes to detonation." You announced, running up the stairs. "Nat?"

"We're in position." The redhead affirmed over coms and you ran harder, making sure to press the button on each floor to activate the bombs you had placed on your way to the basement.

You had about two minutes to spare by the time you reached the roof, pushing yourself harder as you sprinted up the quinjet ramp.

"Go!" You barked out, Nat immediately pulling the jet off the roof and into the sky, the ramp not even closed.

"I... am going... to kill... Stark." You panted, doubled over as you tried to catch your breath. You could hear the explosions in the distance as the building beneath you was destroyed. "Honestly... would it kill him... to make longer-ranged bombs?"

"Well, to be fair, we've never had an explosives expert on the team before." Steve defended only to be met with a glare.

"That's no excuse." You glowered. "They had better bombs in World War Two and you know it!"

You had seen some of them yourself in Tripp's suitcase of Howling Commandos gadgets that he got from his grandfather. They may have been bigger and a pain in the ass to set, but at least they gave an adequate amount of time to get to safety.

As if he could hear your thoughts, Steve echoed the same sentiment,

"These ones are a helluva lot easier to set." He argued, tossing one of the round explosives in one hand.

"Rogers, you idiot." You snapped, snatching the bomb out of the air before he could catch it again. "This is a bomb, not a toy!"

Steve had the gall to smile while you scolded him. "Jesus, that is not something I should have to say to someone who is nearly one-hundred-years-old."

"Relax, Y/N, it's not like it's gonna explode." The super-soldier placed a hand on your shoulder and you scowled up at him.

"It very well could!" You knew that he was right, the explosive was stable and could only be activated with the remote, however, now the argument was about principle. "Who's the explosives expert here, hm?"

"How did a history major become an expert in blowing things up?" Sam asked curiously, breaking up your petty argument.

"Well, I've been exploding things since I was a little girl," you began, making a show of putting the bomb back into its designated case before plopping down into one of the many seats lining the interior of the quinjet. "My dad was a science teacher and we used to do all kinds of experiments together. Coke and Mentos, baking soda volcanos, film canister rockets- the works."

You sighed happily, though Sam and Steve didn't miss the sad look in your eyes that was always present when you talked about your family.

"I sort of naturally drifted towards real explosives after SHIELD recruited me." You shrugged and Sam nodded understandably, but Steve was staring at you as if you had just told him the moon was orange.

"What happens when you mix Coke and Mentos?" He asked warily and yours and Sam's eyes widened in disbelief.

"Y-you don't know?" Sam spluttered out through his shock.

Steve shook his head slowly, looking even more alarmed by your response to his question.

"Oh, Stevie, we are going to have so much fun when we get back." You grinned already choosing which of Tony's labs you would be hijacking.

___

"So what did you do for fun when you were a kid?" You asked as you sat on the floor of one of the many Stark labs at the Tower.

A soda-covered tarp sat abandoned nearby and you and Steve were surrounded by nearly-empty two-liters of Coke. After touching back down in New York, you immediately ran out to buy the soda and mints necessary for the classic experiment. You had a hypothesis that Steve might want to repeat the explosion more than once, a hypothesis that the man readily proved correct. Now you sat facing each other, steadily drinking your way through the flat soda left in the bottom of the plastic bottles because you had insisted it was "tradition."

"Well, my ma and I were pretty poor, even before the Depression hit." Steve began, taking a swig of the nearest two-liter and grimacing slightly at the taste of slightly-minty flat Coke. "We couldn't afford to go out much, so we made do with what we had at home. I remember I spent about a week drawing playing cards when our deck fell apart. I used to draw a lot back then."

You recognized the look of mixed nostalgia and grief in Steve's eyes as he spoke about the past; it was a look you were intimately familiar with yourself.

"When Bucky and I moved in together after my ma passed he'd let me sketch him while he cooked or baked in the kitchen." Steve smiled, a faraway look in his eyes as he recounted the past.

"You never helped out?" You asked, teasing lacing your voice.

"Nah," Steve laughed. "I was hopeless in the kitchen, still kinda am. After I nearly burnt down the kitchen twice Buck stopped letting me anywhere near the stove."

You smiled, thoroughly enjoying Steve's storytelling. He seemed at ease in that moment, completely relaxed and open, something rare for Captain America. The wheels began to turn in your own head when he brought up his childhood best friend, now a fugitive with spotty memories of his own past.

"What were his favorite things to make?" You asked and Steve grinned, though it was so natural you weren’t even sure he realized he was doing it.

"I was too sick to work back then, and with only one source of income we were still pretty disadvantaged, but on special occasions, Bucky would make this baked apple pudding that was divine."

"Divine, huh?" You giggled, tucking that information away. "I wish I could've tried it."

"I actually might still have the recipe." Steve perked up at the thought and you stared at him, puzzled.

"How do you still have a recipe from the thirties?"

"When I went into the ice the SSR boxed up everything in my apartment for 'records.' When I woke up SHIELD gave them all back to me." The blond downed the last of the flat soda and jumped to his feet, practically buzzing in excitement. "C'mon let's go look for it!"

"Slow down there, cowboy." You held out a cautionary hand before gesturing at the lab. "We have to clean all this up first so Stark doesn't kill us."

Steve groaned but relented and you spent the next fifteen minutes making sure Tony would never know they had exploded soda in his "state-of-the-art, high-tech labs."

___

"Sergeant Barnes, it's Agent Y/L/N. I'm coming in." You announced into the speaker, the door beside it unlocking with a click as the technology recognized your voice.

The cabin was dark when you entered but before you could reach out to flip the light switch next to the door you were pinned to the wall, grocery bags falling to the floor.

You couldn't help the gasp that escaped your lips though you made sure to control your breathing the way you were trained to. You knew what to do in this situation but needed to remain calm to do it. The arm pressing across the top of your chest made it difficult to breathe steadily, but you were able to manage after a minute of focusing on remaining still and slowing your heart rate.

"Sergeant Barnes." You managed to get out, your voice a bit raspy albeit steady.

The man growled at the name and said something in Russian that you couldn't understand.

"Your name is James Buchanan Barnes." You began again. "You were a Sergeant of the one-hundred-and-seventh division in World War Two. On a mission to intercept an enemy transport, you were injured and captured by Hydra. Hydra experimented on you and brainwashed you."

You could feel the muscles in the arm relax, though the man wasn't close to removing it just yet, so you continued.

"I am Agent Y/N Y/L/N. Three months ago we met in Washington D.C. and I brought you to this safe house. Every week since then I have come here to check in on you and bring you groceries."

This wasn't the first time you had been met with the Winter Soldier when you arrived at the safehouse and you had had to quickly learn how to bring Sergeant Barnes back. You had found the Soldier responded best to facts, and so you would lay out the facts that led Barnes to that moment in the most even and calm voice you could, allowing the Soldier to stand down and Barnes to come through.

"You are not the Winter Soldier, Sergeant Barnes." You reminded him evenly, and after a moment you felt the man relax entirely and stager quickly away from you.

"Agent Y/L/N, I'm so sorry." He gasped, voice ragged as he quickly worked to pick up the groceries that had fallen out of their bags when you had dropped them.

"It's quite alright, Sergeant Barnes. I know that wasn't you."

It was easy to say because you believed it, though you hadn't always. When you had initially brought Barnes to the abandoned SHIELD safehouse it had been to monitor him to see how much of him overlapped with his assassin alter ego. After about a month of observation, you had found that there was no overlap between the two, other than the fact that Barnes held the Soldier's memories. Hydra had tried to erase everything that made James Buchanan Barnes the man he was when creating their super-powered assassin.

"What's all this?" Barnes asked quietly, starring perplexed at the groceries, particularly the bag full of baking supplies.

"I thought you and I might bake something together," you said, trying not to give away your entire plan.

You had hoped to jog the man's memories a bit however you wanted to avoid accidentally planting false memories.

"I... I think I would like that?" The man said, though it came out more like a question as he still wasn't really sure what he did and didn't like anymore.

You smiled reassuringly. "Well then, lets hop to it!"

You worked quickly to put away the rest of the groceries before you laid out the ingredients for your bake on the counter.

"First and foremost those apples are going to need to be peeled and chopped," You said, nodding towards the apples as you held out a knife to the man beside you.

The two of you stood just like that for a moment, you with your arm holding out the knife and Barnes not taking it from you before you finally looked over at the man.

"What's the matter, Sergeant Barnes?" You asked, your accent clipped with concern.

"I can't be trusted." He said softly, and you almost missed it.

"Really now, Barnes, would I be trying to give you a knife if I thought you would hurt me?" You tried to reason, hoping you were doing enough to quell his anxieties. "I trust you, Sergeant Barnes, even if you don't trust yourself."

"James." He spoke so quietly that you weren’t sure if he had even spoken at all.

"What was that?"

"James," He repeated, more confidently this time. "You can call me James."

He wasn't sure why he had said it. From what he could remember, he hated the name James, everybody had called him Bucky. You were confused by it as well. You had never once heard Steve refer to him as James, always Buck or Bucky. Regardless, a first-name basis was a step in the right direction and you would take it.

"Alright then, James," you smiled at the man, "Those apples aren't going to cut themselves."

"Yes ma'am!" He joked as he finally took the knife from your hand, seeming to surprise himself as much as he surprised you and you smiled even wider.

You worked in mostly silence, the kitchen filled only with the sounds of your labor and James giving instructions- you had given him the recipe right away, hoping it would spark some memories. He didn't tell you if it had, but he moved through the kitchen with an ease and comfort you had yet to see from the man. You thought maybe he didn't realize; that he was having a subconscious reaction to being back in the kitchen, baking something that had at one point held such significance to him.

"Alright, Stevie, desserts in the oven, whaddya want for dinner?" James asked, his back to you as he rifled through the fridge. As soon as the words left his mouth he paused, slumping inwards on himself.

"James?" You asked softly, cautiously stepping towards the man.

"I- I remembered something." He said brokenly, and you decided it was safe to place a comforting hand on his shoulder.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

"Steve- I- we used to live together, I think," James spoke, gripping the fridge door tightly in an attempt to support himself. "I- I used to bake this for him, I- where did you get this recipe?"

His voice had turned somewhat hostile with the last question but you stood your ground, not stepping back from the man in front of you.

"Steve gave it to me," you said softly, hoping he could hear the honesty in your voice, "He told me how you used to make it for him."

"Is he- does he know I'm here?" James asked as he turned around to face you, eyes and voice filled with panic.

"No, and I won't tell him until you tell me you're ready."

"Thank you, Agent Y/L/N."

"It's Y/N." You smiled kindly, "Now, what should we have for dinner?"

___

"This mean anything to you?" You asked, eyebrow raised inquisitively as you set the old paper down in front of Skye.

"Where did you get this?" The agent gasped, breezing past the fact that no one was supposed to know what she had been working on.

It wasn't an uncommon occurrence for you, nearly everyone at SHIELD seemed to think you knew more than you did.

"The Avengers brought me along on a Hydra raid. Found that in the basement of the warehouse, thought it looked familiar." You pointed to the worn parchment laid out on the table.

It was covered in an interlocking series of lines and circles that you didn't understand but you had seen Skye working on something similar in the past months.

"Does anyone know you have this?"

"Nope." You answered, a sly grin on your face. "Nabbed it before I left and then blew up the entire building, so Hydra won't know it’s missing either."

"What do you know about it?" Skye asked, seeming to have realized that this was supposed to be between her and Coulson.

"Nothing, other than that Coulson's had you working on it in secret for a few months now," you answered honestly. "You have to be a little quicker when closing down the holoscreen." You added when you noticed Skye's confusion.

"Noted," Skye responded dryly. "Well, thank you for the old parchment but I can't tell you anything else."

"I didn't expect you to," you smiled before asking, "How about something you can talk about? Like what happened with Browning?"

"Hunter's still pissed we've been shadowing them," Skye smirked and you laughed, not even slightly surprised. The mercenary was more a fan of his paychecks than of SHIELD's protocols. "But an enhanced took out Browning before we could get to him. We're pretty sure he's with Hydra which means they're after the 0-8-4 too."

"Big surprise there," you sighed, the world may think Hydra is gone but you knew the truth: they were just biding their time in the shadows once again.

"So when do we go out to collect it before they can?" You asked curiously, having been off base when the first mission had occurred and Coulson wasn't exactly accepting visitors to his office.

"As soon as we figure out where the government is keeping it." Skye sighed and you groaned. The US Government, or more specifically General Talbot, had been making SHIELD's operations even more difficult lately.

"Is he in the lab?" You asked, changing the subject.

"He's barely left, he's working on the samples we collected from the enhanced right now."

You frowned but nodded in thanks to the agent before making your way towards the lab.

Fitz hadn't been doing much better, he was still struggling to come up with words and his hands were still shaky. Additionally, he seemed to be talking to himself, or rather, a version of Simmons he had conjured up for himself. In your downtime on the base, you found herself just sitting in the lab, an option for Fitz to talk to if he wanted but you always brought a book or something to occupy yourself if not. Today you were sitting on the floor, leaning against a lab station while reading Rob Chernow's biography Alexander Hamilton.

"Uhh, Y-Y/N," Fitz began to panic, waving his hand wildly to get your attention.

"What is it?" You asked worriedly, quickly getting to your feet to stand next to the scientist.

"Y-you see that too, right?"

You did see. The metal samples Fitz had been analyzing had begun to ooze with a red liquid.

"Is that... blood?" You asked, face contorted in disgust and slight fascination.

Before Fitz could answer, the two of you watched as the pieces of metal turned into what appeared to be human flesh.

"What the hell?" You muttered under your breath while Fitz relaxed beside you.

"This is good, I mean- weird, but I can-" Fitz stuttered out tensing up once again and shaking his hand as he tried to come up with the words, looking over his shoulder as if looking to someone else for the answer.

"Figure out who's blood it is?" You supplied and Fitz nodded.

"Shouldn't be too hard." He affirmed quietly under his breath as if he needed to convince himself.

"Well you've got my help regardless," You smiled and Fitz nodded lightly before doling out instructions.

It wasn't the first time you had served as Fitz's hands in the lab and you fully intended to offer your services as long as he still needed them. Working together it took you about an hour to analyze the sample and search the various world DNA databases for a match, eventually finding one in SHIELD's own database.

"Carl Creel?" Fitz read the name out loud as you both peered at the monitor.

"We crossed him off the Index?" You asked skeptically, it wasn't uncommon for SHIELD to take out potentially dangerous enhanced individuals in the past, but clearly they hadn't done a very good job with Creel.

You pondered how SHIELD could've been so careless when Fitz pointed to the supervising agent listed on the report.

"Of course it was Garrett," you sighed. "We should get this to Coulson."

___

"Why am I here Maria?" You asked harshly, arms crossed as you stared at the woman. "I could've been helping Coulson."

"I get that you want to help, Y/N, but you still work here and you have to keep up appearances," Maria said firmly, ignoring her friend's scowl. "If you really want to help SHIELD, you'll keep your cover intact."

You rolled your eyes but you knew Maria was right. If you spent too much time away from the Tower the Avengers would get suspicious and they couldn't know that Coulson or SHIELD were still alive.

"Plus, you know you can't get involved with Talbot."

You rolled her eyes again.

"Why does it matter Mar? He clearly saw us both when we crossed his team at Providence. Why does it matter if he sees me with SHIELD again?"

"Y/N, you and I both know why it matters, you're just being stubborn. As far as the world is concerned, SHIELD is a terrorist group and if you're associated with them-"

"It'll bring a lot of bad PR to the Avengers and I'll have to step down from both organizations to protect them." You finished for her, sighing frustratedly. "I know, Maria, I just hate it."

"Go blow off some steam, hang out with the team, whatever you need to do," Maria instructed in the motherly tone she had used when she was your SO. "There's a classified mission on the books to explain your absence."

As if summoned, Sam walked into the conference room moments after Maria had finished speaking.

"Hey! Y/N is back!" He exclaimed, a grin on his face. "Where ya been?"

"That, my friend, is classified," you answered with a sly smirk before turning to Maria in order to keep up appearances, "Am I finished with my debrief, Agent Hill?"

"You're free to go, Agent Y/L/N," Maria confirmed before turning to Sam, "Next time, knock before you burst into occupied meeting rooms, Mr. Wilson."

"You could just lock the door," Sam shot back but retracted it when he was met with Maria's no-nonsense glare. "Yes ma'am, I'll knock next time."

You did your best to hold back your laughter at the interaction until you and Sam had left the room. You immediately erupted into giggles and Sam groaned.

"I don't know why you guys even bother with all that 'Agent Hill' 'Agent Y/L/N' crap." He said, trying to turn the tables on you as you boarded the elevator. "We all know you're friends, it's so unnecessary."

"It's about professionalism, Sam," you answered, smirking. "I know you don't get it because the Avengers lack any sense of professionalism whatsoever but-"

"Hey! I take great offense to that!" A voice yelped from behind you and you turned to see that Tony was on the elevator as well.

"Oh please, Stark, you're the worst perpetrator of unprofessionalism." You pointed out and Sam snorted.

"I'm not the one who exploded coke all over one of the labs with Rogers last week," Tony shot back and you flushed.

"That was on our off time and we cleaned it up!" You protested, "How'd you even find out about that?"

"You think I don't have surveillance in my labs?"

"Wait you guys did the Coke and Mentos without me?" Sam whined right as the elevator doors opened on the gym floor.

"Oh, look at that, this is my floor," you said, rushing off the elevator to escape your friend's inevitable wrath for leaving him out of the childish experiment.

"No way, Y/L/N, you're not getting off that easy," Sam followed you and you broke into a run.

You sprinted down the hallway towards the gym doors, Sam hot on your heels.

"Steve! Nat! Help!" You squealed as you burst through the double doors, darting behind Steve's tall frame as he stood in front of a punching bag.

"Get back here, Y/L/N!" Sam yelled as he ran through the doors, still swinging from your entrance.

"What's this about, Sam?" Steve asked in mock seriousness as the man stalked towards them.

"Oh good Rogers, you're here too," Sam said and Steve had the mind to look alarmed right before Sam landed a hit on the super soldier's arm.

"Sam! What the hell was that for?"

"You guys blew up pop without me!"

"I didn't know you were supposed to do it with us!" Steve protested and the pair went silent for a moment.

Then you found herself struggling in Steve's arms as he turned on you.

"Steve! Let me go!" You gasped.

"Tell Sam you're sorry," Steve instructed, and you bit back a laugh, schooling your face into one of determination.

"Never!" You yelled, using your years of training to maneuver out of Steve's grip and using his weight to your advantage to flip him to the ground, his back landing hitting the mat below them with a thud.

Natasha let out a whoop from the other side of the gym where she had been silently observing. "That's my girl!"

You shot the redhead a grin as you took up a defensive stance. "Try me, Wilson." you dared.

Sam looked between the British agent and the blond supersoldier who was still lying between the mat before standing down.

"Nah," he shook his head, "Just invite me next time."

You snorted but agreed.

"Hey Y/N, wanna spar?" Nat called from the other side of the gym where she was already wrapping her fists.

"Sure," you answered with a laugh, "I love getting my ass kicked by former Soviet operatives."

Sam, Steve, and Nat all laughed and you flipped them off mockingly as you walked to the locker room to change out of your work clothes.

___

"I got here as soon as I could," you said sadly as you knelt next to Skye.

You were in Hartley's room and Skye was packing up the agent's belongings.

"How's everyone holding up?"

"I think we're all compartmentalizing," Skye sighed, folding up a piece of clothing and placing it in the suitcase. "Coulson won't mourn until we find out if Hunter snitched, and Mack and Tripp are putting all their efforts into reverse-engineering the quinjet's cloaking."

You had to remind yourself to take a deep breath to stop yourself from going off about the cloaking. You were less than thrilled with how Coulson, and truly the rest of the team, had been handling Fitz since the accident, and now they had gone ahead and found a cloaking solution even though Fitz had been working on one for months. You knew the organization desperately needed it, but you thought Coulson could've at least brought Fitz on to what they were doing instead of keeping him in the dark. But now wasn't time to get into that debate, now was the time to mourn Hartley and Idaho.

You helped Skye pack up the rest of Hartley's belongings until you were joined by Hunter, who had apparently decided not to betray SHIELD. You gave the two of them space, heading to the lab instead. Your presence there had started as a way to comfort Fitz, but at some point, the grey tiles and sterile surfaces had become something of a comfort to yourself. You had planned to just sit in a corner and stew in your emotions, maybe text Nat or Steve or Sam, but when you approached Mack was there talking to Fitz. You stood in the doorway, not wanting to enter the room and interrupt whatever they were doing. It was rare for other team members to seek out Fitz in the lab, everyone was too afraid of what they'd find.

You watched as Fitz handed Mack a file, the taller agent looking them over.

"I didn't solve this today." Fitz blurted but instead of wincing or pointedly looking anywhere but at the man, Mack looked up from the files to look the scientist in the eyes.

"You think you can?"

You cursed yourself as you let an excited gasp escape you. It immediately drew the two men's attention and the atmosphere of the lab changed.

"Y/N," Mack acknowledged and Fitz looked down shyly.

"I was just coming here for some peace, but I'd love to help," you explained your eavesdropping sheepishly.

"I think we could use the extra hands." Mack smiled and you grinned, stepping into the lab.

"What're we looking at?" You asked, stepping forward to look at the file that was now placed on one of the many lab tables.

It wasn't long before you had a cluster of lab techs gathered around the three of you as Fitz doled out instructions.

"It's about the.. the resonant," Fitz explained, though it was clear that none of the techs quite knew what he meant by the way their eyes flitted between you and Mack for help.

Fitz noticed the looks and you frowned as he clutched the wires he had been holding closer to his chest. "I didn't solve this today."

"So, what is this?" Mack asked, holding up another object that you didn't recognize. "Is this some sort of sonic device? Like the cloaking?"

You watched as the two men grew increasingly frustrated with each other.

"No, I- ugh, I didn't-" Fitz fumbled, his tone becoming more helpless as he continued to be misunderstood.

"Sorry, forget the cloaking." Mack waved it off and you glared at the techs as they exchanged wary looks. "No one blames you for that, let's just focus on Creel."

You yelped slightly as Fitz threw the papers off the lab table they'd been working at and Mack yelled for him to calm down.

"Get. out." You growled at the techs as they exchanged another look when Fitz turned his back to the group. They scampered off and Fitz turned back around to face them.

Okay." He said, taking a deep breath.

"Take it easy," Mack told the man and you frowned as you saw Fitz become visibly upset again.

'Look, I didn't solve this today!" He exclaimed and Mack matched his frustrations.

"Yeah, I know! You've said that already!" He yelled back.

"No!" Fitz exclaimed, "I didn't solve this today."

Mack looked like he was about to blow his top but you finally made the connection.

"You mean you've solved this before?" You asked him eagerly, eyes alight with the realization.

Fitz nodded excitedly, his posture relaxing slightly now that he had gotten his point across.

"Wait, you mean this is an old design?" Mack asked

"Yes! Yes!" Fitz said and you reached for a tablet, pulling up the designs from the past year.

"Okay, we're with you, Turbo," Mack said as they gathered around the tablet.

You began to flip through the designs, a few of which you recognized from various SHIELD reports until Fitz stopped you at one called the Overkill Device.

"Let's tell the team." You grinned at Fitz who looked quite proud of himself as he looked over the schematics.

___

"Did you get the 0-8-4?" You asked eagerly as the team filed off the quinjet.

You had been bitter that you weren’t brought in on the mission, especially since it had nothing to do with Talbot or any other government official but you knew you had accomplished something big back on base so you were willing to let it go.

"No," Hunter shook his head, "But we got Creel."

He jerked his thumb behind him a few agents escorted Creel off the Bus. Hunter wore a shit-eating grin and even dared to throw some taunts at the man as he passed them. You knew this was important to him, after what the man did to Hartley and Idaho.

"So Fitz's device worked?" You were thrilled, he needed a win, and this was a big one.

"Worked like a charm!" Hunter answered, taking a break from yelling insults at Creel's back.

"Woah, what the hell happened to Skye, Tripp, and May?" You demanded as the three slowly made their way off the plane with help from Coulson, each of them glaring daggers at Hunter as they passed by. "And Coulson was in the field?"

"A lot happened, I'll fill you in over a beer," Hunter said, making his way into the base and you followed.

You were mostly quiet as they made your way to the kitchen, Hunter grabbing you two bottles from the fridge.

"So what did you do to piss off May, Tripp, and Skye and to get Coulson into the field?" You asked as they sat on the barstools that lined the kitchen island.

"Might've iced them all to get a shot at Creel," Hunter shrugged nonchalantly and you gaped.

"You what?"

"Then Coulson took Creel down with Fitz's device and offered me a job at SHIELD." Hunter continued, speaking like this was just another day at the office for him.

"Hunter, that doesn't make any sense. You shot three of our agents!"

"With ICERS!" Hunter protested, "I wouldn't have killed them!"

You merely raised an eyebrow as if to say "wouldn't you have?"

"Y'know what? I take great offense to that, Y/L/N." Hunter said, using the hand holding his beer to gesture at your face. "I think I'd quite like to drink alone now."

"You're such an ass, Hunter." You laughed, standing up from your stool.

"Funny, that's what my ex-wife told me before we split up." He joked and you rolled your eyes.

"Well, I suppose I'll be seeing you around, Agent Lance Hunter," you smirked at Hunter's grimace and grabbed two more beers from the fridge, carrying them back to the Hanger.

As you expected, the Bus ramp was down and Mack and Fitz were stood inside.

"You look like you could use some refreshments." You joked as you walked up the incline to stand with the two men, handing each one a bottle.

"What's this for?" Mack asked, an easy smile on his face as he accepted the drink.

"To celebrate, of course," you answered, "Without Fitz, we never could've captured Creel, and if Coulson's plans to hand him over to Talbot works we might finally have the military off our asses."

"I'll drink to that," Mack said and you saw Fitz smile, the three of you clinking your bottles together.

___

a/n: Lot’s of jumps in this one. I think I’ve kinda decided that’s how most chapters are going to be- I’ve got a lot of ground to cover between here and endgame and I don’t want this story to drag on too much. Since the story is in Season 2 of Agents of SHIELD right now I think the Avengers parts are going to be a little lighter to balance out the heavier SHIELD moments (Though I did manage to get in an Avengers action scene). That’ll shift once we reach MCU territory. Also, first full Bucky encounter! Let me know what you think!

[erikthedead]

entry #1

I have finally acquired Microsoft Word! I really didn’t want to pay a monthly subscription for it, but it is the best writing software out there. Every time I mention myself spending money, a small prayer goes out to all the tax-paying members of the nation, since all my money comes from Universal Credit, which is the United Kingdom’s cute name for a type of welfare money. I much prefer just calling it ‘welfare,’ or even better ‘NEETbux,’ which I discovered used in online forums as a word for the money people receive when they are not in education, employment, or training (N.E.E.T), which has been my status for about two years now. Then ‘bux’ is just ‘bucks,’ obviously. Bucks is just money, obviously. Many people receiving Universal Credit also work as well; they just receive less - enough to supplement their wages if they aren’t getting enough money from their jobs.  

My last job was working in a busy restaurant for just about a year. Before that I was in university, but I dropped out after only completing the first year out of three. Before that, I worked as a carer for elderly people for just under a year. Before that, I was in college for two years, and I actually passed the course. I only passed it because the subject was forensic science, which included lots of writing about psychology, criminology and lab reports. I was never that good in the lab practically. I got flustered and bewildered in such a bright, sanitary environment that required precision and organisation to achieve the desired results. When it came to scrambling together a report to submit the next day though, I was pretty golden. I only dropped out of university because I had a mental break down as a result of poor mental health and just the fact that going outside and interacting with people was and still is incredibly exhausting for me. After a year of doing that consistently it seems, I get fatigued. In the end I got an average grade for the college course because some of the work was difficult, or boring, and that fatigue was hitting me by the second year. However, the grades I was getting on my university assignments for psychology and sociology were anywhere between top marks and good marks (Between 1st – 2:2 in UK student language). I never once read the feedback from the tutors who marked my work. All I needed to know was the mark was okay and moved on to the next assignment, firstly because I was arrogant and secondly, I couldn’t handle criticism. The mental break down itself involved me walking through the campus one day only to find myself slipping into a dissociative state. Nothing had happened immediately prior to trigger this, it just happened. It felt strange, like I wasn’t really real, and neither was anyone else. Everything felt distant and off, both externally and internally. It was frightening and strangely peaceful, as if at any moment someone could come in and blow the building up and I wouldn’t even react to it. That wasn’t normal. The only way to snap out of it was to lock myself in a toilet cubicle and lightly slice my arm with a tiny knife I had on my keys. It worked, but now I was in floods of tears and a state of distress, so I went to the student welfare services to see if they could help me or at least let me sit somewhere nicer than a toilet while I calmed down. It was an open office waiting area at the side of the bottom floor of a building that matched the layout of a prison ward with the stairs and the upper floors creating a square boarder of classrooms, that would have been cells for a prison. More for practical purposes than for aesthetic reasons, I’m sure. Still sobbing, and hiding my self-inflicted cuts, I asked the person behind the desk if I could ‘see someone,’ which is one polite British way of asking for help. After waiting a little while, a plump middle-aged lady appeared and brought me into her own little private office to ask me what had happened. She gave me her sympathy and asked me about my life and my history, and gave me some more sympathy, while relating her own experiences to mine. She was a good counsellor, basically. But having a good counsellor on site wasn’t enough to keep me on the course after that incident. Getting a degree just wasn’t worth it at the time. Being such a depressed and pessimistic person, I was only actually doing the course for ‘fun’ anyway, not for the hope that it will bring me a better future. Until recently, I never saw a future for myself. It wasn’t even a bleak future I imagined; it was just blank. I couldn’t even conceptualise it.

It’s not a mystery where all my misery came from. My childhood was a bit inconsistent to start, and from what I’ve observed, children need consistency more than anything to develop promisingly. I remember reading a study once that found children raised by parents who were consistently abusive to them were in fact more mentally stable than those raised by parents who could be lovely one day and nasty the next. It was not knowing what treatment they were going to get that did them in. It makes sense because if you’re always expecting to face a thrashing or a shouting at every day, you can at least prepare for it and train yourself to deal with it. We’re very adaptable creatures, but we need to be able to recognise patterns around us to do that. If there is no pattern, then how can we possibly make predictions? Without predictions, how can we possibly feel secure about our future? Having said all that, I was never abused in any way growing up, but I was sometimes neglected by my young mother, who was only 16 when she gave birth to me. Of course, it’s understandable now, but from a child’s perspective all you think is ‘why doesn’t my mum want me?’ When she sends you to your room for no reason and tells you not to come down for hours at a time. I asked ‘why’ a lot. Never got a good reason. I’m sure plenty of people who were raised by a drug-addicted parent can relate to this. She herself was a good mother, not amazing, but good. She told me she loved plenty of times, she gave me what she could, including a little sister when I was three years old. I think it was shortly after her birth that mum started taking heroin. It was only during drug education in year five of school (I would have been about 11) that I put the pieces together. She hid her addiction pretty well from us, but I sometimes found pieces of tin foil lying around the living room with lines of black residue on them, and once or twice witnessed her junkie friends ‘nodding off.’ There’s also a clear memory in my mind of being taken along by her and my nan to score some brown out of town and I can picture in my head the massive set of old-fashioned scales this drug dealer had sat on his coffee table right in front of me. I was too young to understand any of their lingo, though. Yes, I mentioned my nan, my mum’s mum. They got smacked up together, and they eventually got clean together. I’ll never know the details of how that came about because neither of them are alive anymore to ask. Mum died when I was 14 by taking an overdose of her methadone, then nan died when was 21 of a heart attack, likely due to the COPD she had developed from years of smoking.

My nan was so full of love for my mum, my sister and me. Some of my favourite childhood memories are being snuggled up in bed listening to her read me stories, which she did with flare and enthusiasm. She would affectionately call us her ‘wobblies,’ and give us more hugs kisses than we ever wanted. My mum definitely inherited her loving nature from her. But love on its own isn’t enough to keep kids clothed and fed and able to go out and do things. This is where the legend that is my grandad comes in. He is still going strong at 66 years old as of writing. God knows where I’d be without him. He’s been my father figure all my life since I never knew who or where my real dad was. He’s hard-working, reliable, responsible and strong. He supported us immensely despite not relating to him biologically. My biological grandfather was a free-spirited busker who liked to smoke and drink a lot, who I only met a hand full of times before he hanged himself when I was 19. His death did not affect me, but my mum’s and nan’s certainly did. I’ll probably have to see my grandad die as well eventually, and I don’t dread anything more.

Although I started off describing my family background by saying it’s obvious where my source of misery comes from, I must emphasise that my family is not the source of my misery. My childhood overall was pretty forgettable. I only have a few memories and they’re fond memories, despite the unfortunate situation I just described. Even getting my face ripped open by the neighbour’s dog when I was six didn’t faze me. It was only when puberty hit me that life started to feel horrible, and it just got worse.

I was an early bloomer, if blooming is what you call it. I call it mutating. I started getting hairy and growing tits when I was 10, and got my period about a year later. Now THAT is a traumatic memory. Waking up and going for a morning wee as usual, sitting down on the toilet and being overcome with horror at the sight of blood covering my pyjamas, realising there’s only one place that could have come from, then investigating the source only to confirm ‘Oh shit, I’m bleeding from between my legs!’ I was living with my nan and grandad at the time and I stayed there (or here, since I’m still living in the same house as of writing) under their guardianship while mum sorted herself out. After the shocking discovery of blood, I immediately ran into nan’s bedroom to wake her up. I vividly remember what and how she responded to me. With a sigh of what seemed like unsettling disappointment she said “Oh, darling, I’m sorry, I’m afraid you’ve got your period.’  I wonder now if she said it like that because she felt guilty for not warning me about this, as she should have. Someone should have. In all fairness I was young, but the other kids in my year at school were soon popping into adolescence alongside me, so I thought that soon enough everyone else would be going through what I was going through, but that wasn’t the case. I was bullied for having chronic acne. I was also a bit of a chubby boffin, but it was mostly the acne that people targeted me for. The girls shaved their legs once they started to get hairy, and I remember thinking ‘Damn, I suppose I’ve got to do that too,’ despite never wearing a skirt. They also seemed to relish in showing off and comparing their bras in the changing rooms, while I hid away as very best as I could. Make-up was a constant battle between students and teachers because they all wanted to look pretty, but it wasn’t allowed in middle school (Year 5-8), so luckily, I had an excuse for not wearing it. I’d regularly complain to my family about hating going to school, and how depressed I was, but it was all put down to teenage blues. ‘You’ll be alright once your hormones settle down,’ I was told more than once.  I remember my nan telling me I would miss going to school when I was older and so far she’s been proven wrong.  

[deadcactuswalking]

REVIEWING THE CHARTS: 13/02/2021 (Digga D, AJ Tracey, Cardi B)

It’s not as big of a week as it is just a confusing one, so there’s no pre-amble. Olivia Rodrigo spends a fifth week at #1 with “drivers license” and let’s start REVIEWING THE CHARTS.

Rundown

I started writing this a bit later than usual so I just want to rush through most of what’s here. The songs dropping out of the UK Top 75 are either debuts from not long ago like “Notorious” by Bugzy Malone featuring Chip and “Lo Vas A Olvidar” by Billie Eilish and ROSALÍA, or songs that have been here for a while, like “Monster”  by Shawn Mendes and Justin Bieber, “Holy” by Justin Bieber featuring Chance the Rapper and “Dynamite” by BTS. We even have some #1 hits dropping out of the Top 75 this week, like “Dreams” by Fleetwood Mac, “WAP” by Cardi B featuring Megan Thee Stallion and “Shallow” by Lady Gaga and Bradley Cooper. In terms of fallers, we have, seemingly, some of the older Winter cuts being replaced, as we see “Sweet Melody” by Little Mix getting a harsh streaming cut down to #30,  “Whoopty” by CJ down to #33, “Levitating” by Dua Lipa and remixed by DaBaby down to #34 (although this could rebound given the album release), “you broke me first” by Tate McRae at #37, “SO DONE” by The Kid YAOI at #57, “All I Want” by Olivia Rodrigo at #61, “Looking for Me” by Diplo, Paul Woodford and Kareen Lomax at #62, “Train Wreck” by James Arthur at #63, “See Nobody” by Wes Nelson and Hardy Caprio at #64, “Take You Dancing” by Jason Derulo at #65, “Therefore I Am” by Billie Eilish at #68, “Before You Go” by Lewis Capaldi at #72 and “Golden” by Harry Styles at #73, as well as some more recent debuts, including the entirety of Fredo’s album impact from last week, as “Money Talks” with Dave is at #11, “Ready” with Summer Walker at #31 and “Burner on Deck” with Young Adz and the late Pop Smoke at #32. “Skin” by Sabrina Carpenter and “Apricots”  by Bicep aren’t faring that well either, at #51 and #56 respectively. When I said these songs are being replaced, I wasn’t overestimating anything as we have our new crop of hits seemingly all surging, as “Martin & Gina” by Polo G is at #54, “Be the One” by Rudimental, MORGAN, TIKE and Digga D is at #49, “Best Friend” by Saweetie featuring Doja Cat is at #42, “My Head & My Heart” by Ava Max is at #35, “Love Not War (The Tampa Beat)” by Jason Derulo and Nuka is at #27, “Heat Waves” by Glass Animals is at #24, “Your Love (9PM)” by ATB, Topic and A7S is at #23 (it’s honestly starting to grow on me), and “Blinding Lights” by the Weeknd is somehow back up to #20. Speaking of the top 20, we also have “Friday” by Riton, Nightcrawlers and Musafa & Hypeman dopamine re-editing itself up to #16, “Save Your Tears” also by the Weeknd at #15, and two new top 10 hits, both songs with basically the same chart run and genre. “Goosebumps” by Travis Scott, remixed by HVME, remixed by Travis Scott is at #10, becoming HVME’s first and Travis’ fourth top 10 hit here in Britain. We also have “The Business” by Tiesto grooving up to #7, becoming Tiesto’s fourth top 10 hit. I honestly feel bad for the still completely uncredited vocalist. We also have a third new top 10 entry but that’s a debut that we can discuss later. I should also note that “Roses” by SAINt JHN and remixed by Imanbek is back at #74, and a winning Eurovision song, “Arcade”, by Dutch singer Duncan Lawrence is also back at #39 off of the back of some TikTok traction. I think this is the most streamed Eurovision now – I’d watch out for this being a big hit. Welp, time to get into our really, and I mean REALLY, varied and weird crop of new arrivals, starting with...

NEW ARRIVALS

#75 – “Roadtrip” – Dream and PmBata

Produced by Banrisk and Perish Beats

Okay, so this is a song by Minecraft YouTuber Dream, or at least that’s who I think he is. I think there was some kind of scandal related to him, and a couple people got involved and someone got doxed... listen, I don’t care. Not only is this song really not worthy of reviewing on the principle that unlike Wilbur Soot a couple weeks ago, Dream has never been a musician, which is clear from how involved no-name singer PmBata was in this, but I care for my private information not being made public so... What ridiculous excuse do I have to not review this? Okay, 1997 reggae-rock classic “Doin’ Time” by Sublime returns to #75 after Boris Johnson made a TikTok in the Houses of Parliament where he says “Pogchamp, Brexiteers, I just got tested for COVID-19” with the song in the background, and Joe Biden is on a Zoom call with him a few seconds later visibly annoyed because he prefers the New Radicals. Sure, let’s go with that. What was this entry about again?

#71 – “Goodbye” – Imanbek and Goodboys

Produced by Joris Mur, Imanbek and Goodboys

Everyone’s favourite Kazakh house producer Imanbek is finally back on the charts with his collaboration with British pop trio Goodboys, who you may know from their carbon-copy hits made with MEDUZA. After listening to that EP he made with Rita Ora, I’m slightly less impressed with Imanbek’s production, but that EP’s impact, if any, will be seen when the lead single featuring David Guetta and Gunna debuts low next week. Yes, seriously, all four on the same track. Anyway, this song, “Goodbye”, is actually pretty okay, with a generic deep house groove and fake hand-clap effectively saved by the Goodboys’ really intriguing vocal delivery and processing, which ends up in a Travis Scott-like Auto-Tune harmony that’s honestly pretty endearing right before the anti-climactic slap-house drop. The song’s lyrical content probably isn’t worth talking about, but it’s about a generic struggle with a break-up, and how hard it is for one of these good boys to say good bye. The build-up with the pre-chorus before the blue-balls second drop is kind of genius, and that’s probably my favourite part of the song outside of the abrupt vocaloid drop at the end. For what it’s worth, it takes more risks than most of these house-pop songs, most notably by having only a single verse in the middle of the song, and being really short, clocking in at less than two and a half minutes. It’s not as infectious as “Piece of Your Heart”, but this is fine. I’m glad it’s here if it’s going to give Imanbek another non-Rita Ora-assisted hit.

#60 – “Little Bit of Love” – Tom Grennan

Produced by Jamie Scott, LOSTBOY and Daniel Bryer

Tom Grennan is an English singer-songwriter who released their debut record in 2016 and was crowned by the BBC as the “Sound of 2017”, before dropping off the face of the Earth. He was brought to fame by a guest feature on a Chase & Status song that didn’t even do that well and now he’s back with the lead single from his upcoming sophomore effort, and his highest ever charting song. Well, is it any good? I mean, I like OneRepublic too. The rising strings here in the intro and chorus are pretty cool, and I’ll give it to Grennan for having an interesting voice but the odd level of grit in it does not fit well for this plastic production, which quickly devolves into vaguely danceable synth-mess that’s just not interesting. The content is mostly about unconditional love, particularly one that feels not particularly reciprocated, although some of the detail in the second verse feels like it’s going somewhere. I’ll admit, the chorus is catchy, but this mix puts way too much emphasis on a flawed vocal take from Grennan, which really detracts from the pathetic excuse for a bridge. I do enjoy how this feels like a flash-back to the mid-2010s, where happier, synth-based pop was this prominent, and I do love how the strings come back in the outro, but good production can’t do much to save a song that just feels under-cooked and definitely under-written. The OneRepublic comparison feels particularly fitting here too because their stuff tends to be just as stagnant, not to mention the lyrical riffs off of “Counting Stars”. I mean, when you start your first verse – in the first 10 or so seconds of the track – with the most recognisable part of a very recognisable song, I think Ryan Tedder deserves at least some royalties.

#58 – “Astronaut in the Ocean” – Masked Wolf

Produced by Tyron Hapi

Masked Wolf is an Australian singer and this song is actually from June 2019, just gaining enough traction, presumably off of TikTok, to debut on the charts this week. The song got a 2021 reissue and I assume a remix and, well... for God’s sake. The Kid LAROI should not have been an entry point for Australian trap, because outside of a second or two of distortion in the intro, this is far from unique. It has a guitar-based trap instrumental with dark 808s that even Gunna would pass up on, and an Auto-Tuned delivery from Masked Wolf, clearly trying too hard to replicate Drake in the intro and bridge, Kid Cudi in the chorus, G-Eazy in the first verse, Eminem AND Kendrick on the second verse, to the point where he even directly references Kendrick Lamar’s much better music. He suffers from the same problems as all of these artists combined, with lyrics that seem like they’re building up off of something interesting about depression before going into aimless flexing like a mid-tier Kid Cudi track, flows that sound as meandering and checked-out as Drake’s, the failed attempt at some kind of white-boy swagger that G-Eazy hasn’t pulled off successfully since 2016, the substance-less content hidden behind fast flows from Eminem and... oh, my God, this guy’s just like Australian Logic. I don’t like American Logic, why do we need this guy too? Yeah, this is bad, and there’s not much worth nitpicking in this mix or even the lyrics to even point out. I guess the worst bar is when he says he believes in G-O-D but not a T-H-O-T. So he’s a slut-shaming NF now? Jesus Christ, I’d take a full album from The Kid LAROI over this.

So the next two songs are ones I’ll actually need to somewhat lump together, as they are consecutive on the chart and both from the same album, and the same washed-up band.

#53 – “Waiting on a War” – Foo Fighters

Produced by Greg Kurstin

We have two songs from Dave Grohl and friends here from their latest album, Medicine at Midnight, technically three if we count the entire top 100, which means, yes, the UK just had a Foo Fighters album bomb. I’ll focus on the album as a whole with the next song because this is easily the worse track here and the worst track on the album purely out of how misguided it is. Dave Grohl wrote this song because he felt inspired by the current hell-scape of the political climate, reminding him of his own youth when he was surrounded by rising Cold War tensions. His young daughter asked him if there was going to be a war and naturally this song came out of it, reflecting on the fears he and his daughter have and that everyone deserves a future and a lifetime not taken away from them by conflict and fear. This is a good song idea but it absolutely does not work, and that’s partially down to the production. When I first heard this track on the album, I genuinely grimaced at the vocoder-mumble that Grohl takes on against the scratchy acoustic guitars. The whole point of the instrumentation is that it builds tension with rising strings, multi-tracked acoustics and eventually some electric guitars and powerful drums, yet because of how slow-paced the song is, it fails to mirror the rising tension of the prospect of there being a war. Instead, it’s a slog and its pay-off by the end feels unwarranted in the most boring way. Sure, the squeals of the guitars in the back of the mix sound good, but surely a song like this should not end like any of the Foo Fighters’ other pop-rock anthems, especially not as abruptly as it does. Wouldn’t you want a more subdued outro to comfort your daughter’s fears that at least right now, everything’s okay? That would make the most sense to me, but that’s thrown out of the window, with pathetic songwriting, with verses that play word association with the blandest of rhymes, seemingly irrelevant pop-song-generator filer and a chorus that is mind-numbingly repetitive but ultimately fails to build tension because of the content asking us to wait, constantly, even when it gets into its heavier rock tone. We’re supposed to wait for something that is only implied to never come, because there isn’t finality. Sure, that could work as a way of saying that Grohl is just as uncertain and scared as his daughter is about political conflict, but that would imply this song gives off any further emotion than the fact the Foo Fighters felt the need to cut a vaguely political track out of necessity. As a song, and as an album, Dave Grohl is utterly confused, and “Waiting on a War” is way too slow and non-specific to act as a protest song, as well as being way too on-the-nose for it to work as a ballad. Let’s talk about this next single.

#52 – “Making a Fire” – Foo Fighters

Produced by Greg Kurstin

What the hell is Greg Kurstin doing here? This is the first track on the album and is supposed to make some kind of gripping impact but is instead just a snoozefest. The choral female vocals sound bored, but at least it’s not as strained as the struggling Dave Grohl trying and failing to yelp over a stiff groove which has its momentum killed by drumming too slow and mixed too oddly to make this pre-chorus even coherent, not helped by Grohl’s butt-rock delivery and non-descript lyrics. There could be a guitar solo here, to make this track feel memorable, but no, it’s hidden under a pre-chorus with an extended gospel bridge that doesn’t build up effectively to a chorus that just comes crashing in and hence has no effect. Maybe I just can’t listen to arena  rock in a quarantine context, but I can’t even imagine this making much of a fuss in a packed stadium without desperately needing tweaks in the songwriting and especially the production, because this just sounds stunted. It’s telling that Grohl made his best tracks as the Foo Fighters on his own and those first two records, alongside a pretty decent 2014 comeback in the form of Sonic Highways, are still great. I’m not denying that Grohl can write a good song, or that the Food Figures can’t play, because they’re all talented guys. This is just one album in many that leaves me with the feeling that these guys just can’t do much more outside of their comfort zone than fail miserably. These songs won’t stick around, and thank God for that.

#50 – “Believe Me” – Navos

Produced by Tom Demac and Navos

Another week, another... okay, but we already had a generic pop-infused deep house track from a couple EDM randos, do we really need another? Okay, well, this one is even less interesting than Imanbek’s effort as it doesn’t even try for a verse, instead going for a deep house groove I’ve heard countless times before, drowned out by some square synths and, yes, you guessed it, 90s piano loops and an uncredited female vocalist repeating basically the same couple lines over and over. This is made for the clubs, but I feel like even regular club-goers would tire of this vocaloid drop and cloudy production two minutes in. There’s nothing worth discussing here, because this probably took as many minutes to make as it did to listen to. I have no idea why Navos debuts a song so high, but I’ve got to assume TikTok’s to blame. Apparently this guy makes tech house, where’d any of that skill or intrigue go here?

#21 – “Up” – Cardi B

Produced by Sean Island, DJ SwanQo and Yung Dza

Anyone else surprised at how such a big name gets production from people I’ve never heard of before? Not that it matters, it’s just odd. Anyways, this is Cardi’s new single, presumably from that ever-elusive second album, debuting around 20 spots lower than it will in the US, and it’s going for a more gangsta-rap content than the hyper-sexual “WAP”, but does she keep the same energy? Well, yes... in fact, after all the mediocrity, I’m glad to have a genuinely great song debut this week. This is a great, bass-heavy beat that gives a Memphis phonk feel in the dark keys as well as the hard-hitting 808s and spacey percs and sound effects that add some needed distortion, even if there’s going to be some brief clipping along the way. Cardi brings some necessary energy from the brilliant opening lyrics and continues with a fast-paced, chanting flow that accentuates some of her funnier lyrics with her charisma that she always brings to a trap track like this. I’d say that this is maybe too repetitive – with very little of the verses to speak of – or even somewhat derivative of her previous song, “Money”, but there’s a lot better lyrical content in this one, not to mention how well she complements a more straight-forward but still killer beat. Oh, yeah, and Cardi’s stacks are Shaq-height as she dismisses haters with an impressive level of swagger and confidence, that carries the refrain, but that’s not to say the lyrics aren’t really great in the verses. There’s genuinely funny and sexy wordplay here, especially in the second verse, and also some great liners: “hoes speakin’ cap-anese”, accusing her haters of having pink-eye and their breath smelling like “horse sex”. This is a short, probably underdeveloped song, but it’s the type of surreal, high-energy trap I kind of really love and I hope this sticks around further in the UK.

#19 – “Latest Trends” – A1 x J1

Produced by ShoBeatz

A1 x J1 are a British rap duo with no other songs. Yeah, something’s fishy here: this is their only song on Spotify that blew up from a 15-second clip on TikTok, and their Spotify bio is trying to decide whether they’re the next D-Block Europe or the Beatles, as well as really emphasising how the song grew “all organically”, even though they’re already signed to Universal... yeah, there’s nothing subtle here, so I won’t buy this TikTok fame schtick, but does it matter when the song is good? Well, not really, and honestly, I’m kind of into this guitar-based drill-R&B fusion in the beat, but it doesn’t really help the fact that J1’s Stormzy impression is janky and unconvincing, especially if he’s going to try for some shallow wordplay, and that A1’s Auto-Tuned croon is just boring, reminding me a lot of A Boogie wit da Hoodie, but with a less recognisable voice and delivery, even if the first verse contains a funny line about a woman making that ass clap “for the NHS”, although he totally took that from Swarmz anyway. Yeah, I’m not a fan of this fake attempt at an organic pop-drill crossover, but unfortunately, I can very much see this working, though I’d be happy if the British public will see through this dishonesty as soon as possible.

#5 – “Bringing it Back” – Digga D and AJ Tracey

Produced by TheElements and AoD

Now for a rap duo that makes more sense to debut this high and are actually, you know, separately successful rappers, therefore they debut in the top five, which is impressive. The whole concept of this song is that Digga D and AJ Tracey are using old flows, those that would be nostalgic to their deeper fan base, to spit bars on a new track called, fittingly “Bringing it Back”. The flow AJ Tracey brings back is from his overlong “Packages” freestyle, a five-minute track from 2016, that works more as a freestyle than it does as a song, where he uses a familiar UK drill flow to go off for a really long time, and, yes, it is pretty impressive but the flow becomes stale too quickly. Digga D uses his flow from his “Next Up?” freestyle from 2017, a similarly badly-mixed UK drill freestyle but with a much more palatable length. Digga D’s flow he uses in that track is arguably slicker but honestly one that I see used a lot in UK drill and by Digga D, so I’m not sure it’s not worth “bringing it back” when you could come up with a new, catchier flow. I’ll admit that “Bringing it Back”, however, is a pretty damn good song, with Digga D’s more technical and fluid flow allowing for a lot more intricate internal rhymes that sound really great over the triumphant, string-heavy drill beat, as he trades bars with AJ Tracey’s slower but more confident, laid-back flow, which allows him to spit some more specific, interesting bars, some of which really hit, like when he says he “locked up the food for the kids like Boris and then I let it go like Rashford”. Hey, I respect it, I haven’t heard a more clever way of intertwining political commentary with cocaine smuggling since Pusha T last released a record. The way AJ Tracey and Digga D play off of each other’s lines is really smooth, and especially how Digga D plays with the beat, as while his lyrics may be less interesting, they mash perfectly with the beat’s frantic fades in and out, especially in his last lines before the first chorus, where he asks for the track to literally be turned off... and it is. So, yeah, I’m pretty damn happy with this debuting so high off the energy alone, even if Digga D is going to pronounce “LOL” like a one-syllable word. I’d say this is actually a really good starting point for people who want to get into more UK drill because it has a lot of the grit and menace of the genre in a more accessible, catchy form, even if it may run a bit too long for my taste.

Conclusion

Wow, what a weird, weird week... and a lot of it was straight garbage. I’m giving Best of the Week to “Up” by Cardi B, with an Honourable Mention to Digga D and AJ Tracey for “Bringing it Back”, though Worst of the Week is pretty much a toss-up. I’ll give it to the Foo Fighters for “Waiting on a War”, with a Dishonourable Mention tied between “Astronaut in the Ocean” by Masked Wolf and “Believe Me” by Navos for just both being worthless. Anyways, here’s our top 10:

The UK Singles Chart is honestly kind of chaotic right now – even more so than usual – and I don’t see that changing. Even if I don’t like all of the songs, it’s at least compelling. Anyways, thank you for reading and you can follow me @cactusinthebank on Twitter if you want. I can’t really make any predictions for next week other than Taylor Swift re-recording her own music and I guess some impact from Rita Ora and Imanbek, or hopefully, slowthai. Regardless of what happens, I’ll see you next week!

[calacuspr]

Calacus Weekly Hit & Miss – Nick Kyrgios & Kansas City Chiefs

Every Monday we look at the best and worst communicators in the sports world from the previous week.

HIT – NICK KYRGIOS

Australian star Nick Kyrgios has consistently divided opinion throughout the tennis world with his on-court antics and outspoken comments since turning professional in 2013.

One of only three players to have beaten Roger Federer, Rafael Nadal and Novak Djokovic the first time he played each of them, Kyrgios has often frustrated fans by seemingly wasting his gifted ability.

Kyrgios’ men’s singles world ranking has slumped to 47 as a result, with two quarter-finals his best results in major tournaments – both coming more than five years ago.

He has become infamous for his on-court meltdowns and was even given a 16-week suspended ban and fine in 2019. He has admitted that depression has been behind some of his clashes with fans and match collapses.

This week, the 25-year-old has been at the centre of headlines emanating from the Australian Open, continuing to stir up bad blood with Djokovic, but more than anything, he has helped turn the tide of public opinion towards him.

Clearly Kyrgios isn’t going to win over everyone, but it’s hard to argue that he makes tennis more interesting for viewers. In an era of sports stars often holding their tongue to avoid getting into trouble with relevant authorities, he isn’t afraid to showcase his true personality.

His second and third round matches at the Australian Open were both five-set classics and put on a fantastic show for the lucky fans allowed into Melbourne Park before the government announced a five-day lockdown in Victoria to suppress an outbreak of the UK strain of coronavirus.

Former British number one Tim Henman is working as a pundit for Eurosport’s international coverage of ‘the happy slam’ and gave his take on the Aussie. 

“For me, Nick Kyrgios is great for tennis. He’s a volatile character, you never quite know what to expect. He’s a huge talent, one of the best serves in the game,” Henman commented.

“And he’s got a very good heart. He’s supported me and my charity foundation, he does a lot of good stuff off the court.

“If he could maintain that concentration and focus, both on the practice court and match court, I really think he can go on and produce bigger and better results.

“I’m a fan. I hope he can channel that talent to go on and win some big titles in the future.”

Henman did, however, point to the ongoing feud with Djokovic as an example of where Kyrgios could learn to reign in some of his antics.

"It’s a fine line. Obviously he’s a character on and off the court. But it’s very important that he can still concentrate so that these antics don’t become a distraction, they don’t affect his performance.

"Sometimes I think he’s got to learn where to draw the line and get back to the basics of implementing the enormous talent that he has on the court."

While the negatives have often outweighed the positives for Kyrgios in the past, it does feel as if the balance is shifting.

In January, Kyrgios pledged to donate A$200 for every ace he hit at tournaments throughout the month to help those affected by widespread bushfires in Australia. His charitable efforts led to Tennis Australia committing A$100 for every ace served at the ATP Cup and his response showed a genuine side to him rarely seen. 

“I just chucked up a tweet and everyone got behind it. It is bigger than tennis,” he said.

“It's going to all the families, firefighters, animals, everyone who is losing homes, losing families. It's a real thing.

“My hometown is Canberra and it's got the most toxic air in the world. That's sad. It is tough.”

His investment in his own NK Foundation also feels like more than just an easy PR win. The Foundation’s mission statement gives another insight into how much he has matured in recent times.

“Tennis is a great life – we are well paid and the perks are pretty good – but it can feel empty if you’re just doing it for the money. I now know what it’s all for. When I work on the NK Foundation and our Melbourne facility, I cast my mind forward to all the disadvantaged kids I will be helping. I’m playing for them now.” 

Kyrgios is far from perfect and will undoubtedly make the headlines for the wrong reasons in future, but for now he should be praised for bringing joy to millions of tennis fans this week at a time when it is needed most.

MISS – Kansas City Chiefs

The Super Bowl is one of the biggest sports events in the United States and understandably attracts the glamour and razzmatazz that comes with such an occasion.

For the Kansas City Chiefs, who ended up losing the game, the focus on the field was understandable, but while sport is an important part of societal fabric, it’s fundamentally important that it never surpasses life and the rule of law.

Three days before the Super Bowl, Chiefs outside linebacker coach Britt Reid, the son of head coach Andy Reid, was involved in a car crash near the team’s training complex that left two young children seriously injured.

The team had said Britt Reid was involved in a multi-vehicle crash last Thursday. He did not travel with the team to the Super Bowl in Tampa Bay and Andy Reid said his son underwent surgery after the crash, but few other details have been released.

Reid was placed on administrative leave the day after the crash and with his contract expiring at the conclusion of the Super Bowl, he is no longer employed by the club.

Reid apparently told police he had “two or three drinks” and had a prescription for Adderall when the accident occurred, according to a search warrant. He served five months in 2007 when convicted of road-rage that included driving under the influence, possession of a controlled substance and the brandishing of a gun. He also pleaded guilty to DUI and drug possession in a separate incident.

In an official statement, the Chiefs said: “The organization has been made aware of a multi-vehicle accident involving Outside Linebackers Coach, Britt Reid. We are in the process of gathering information, and we will have no further comment at this time. Our thoughts and prayers are with everyone involved.”

In the post-game interview, Reid’s father Andy commented: “My heart goes out to all those who were involved in the accident, in particular the family with the little girl who’s fighting for her life.

“I can’t comment on it any more than what I am here. So the questions you have, I’m going to have to turn those down; but just from a human standpoint, my heart bleeds for everybody involved in that.”

A later Chiefs statement said: “We remain in the process of gathering information on the incident, and we will continue to assist local authorities as requested.

“Our focus remains on [the girl] and her family. We have reached out to the family to offer our support and resources to them during this difficult time, and we will continue to pray for her recovery.”

Organisations find themselves in tricky positions when one of their own is involved in a serious incident, often not wanting to draw more attention to it and wary of liability.

But with a young girl in a serious condition, why did the Chiefs not do more and realise that as a pillar of society, they could easily have provided support without any admission of guilt or complicity.

The girl’s family had to set up a GoFundMe page to support her medical care, raising almost half a million dollars.

Why did the Chiefs not offer to provide support for the girl and her family, which would have been the right thing to do and would have given the impression that they were backing up their words with actions?

The Chiefs owners are worth more than $15 billion and could have covered medical bills without admitting liability.

While there are questions over whether Britt Reid was drinking at the Chiefs’ training ground before getting in his car, why are the club not conducting a thorough internal investigation rather than just helping the police with their inquiries?

Despite being the coach’s son, the club must do the right thing and back up their compassion with action and support for a family devastated by the incident on that fateful day, rather than hide behind empty statements that show little compassion for the family or the Kansas community now supporting the injured child in a way they should have done from the outset.

[shooting-the-walls]

The Empty Hearse: my inner monologue because I like writing these

I would just like to point out before we get going that I was rather a latecomer to this fandom. I got into it just as Season 4 was released, so early 2017. When this episode was released in 2014 I was only 10 years old!!! Still probably my favourite fandom though, the one I always find myself returning to.

Anyways, on with my crazy monologue!!

• We stan a quick rundown of the Depression of the Century

• #creepymaskmuch

• Molly be like "oh damn"

• Uno reverse bitches!!!

• Molly be like "YAAAAS"

• I'm sorry can we just acknowledge how hot the window jump is

• Bet John wished he could be Molly in that sitch XD

• DERREN BROWN MOTHERFUCKERS

• Still feel so sorry for John :(

• "BOLLOCKS"

• Greg is so fucking done with Anderson's theories XD

• "You're a guilty lil bitch Anderson, stfu": Lestrade 2k14

• "I BelIEVe iN sHErloCK HOLmeS"

• Eyyyyyyy Sherlock is not guilty!!!! (Obvs)

• When depression hits, get a (terrible) moustache bitches

• WE DON'T TRUST YOU MARY, DON'T ACT ALL NICEY NICE

• Ooooo helicopters and running, Mission Impossible style

• When you just..... give the fuck up

• When you can't stand that screaming so you just turn your music up

• I mean torture is pretty harsh man

• Of course Sherlock would deduce his way out XD

• When Mycroft just doesn't give a Single Shit

• WE STAN THE THEME TUNNNEEEEE

• John be like "nah imma just stare at this wall"

• Mycroft's got a fancy fucking office guys

• John stop tryna be Sherlock with your terrible imitation coat and scarf

• Mrs Hudson always cares for her adoptive sons, but she does with high sarcasm and sass

• Mycroft, why does your office look like a torture chamber??

• Benedict is HOT Jesus

• "Definitely. Enjoying it.": You! Don't! Appreciate! Your! Brother!

• 2 HOURS TO LEARN A BLOODY LANGUAGE!?!?! JESUS FUCK I DID 7 YEARS OF FRENCH AND I CAN BARELY HOLD A CONVERSATION

• Anthea prefers Sherlock to Mycroft, they have bitch sessions about him pass it on lol

• Mrs Hudson is so sassy and honest XD

• John you fucking liar you're not sorry

• Mycroft is so Done with his little brother XD

• Sherlock, stop personifying London dude

• "Yes, we meet up every Friday for fish and chips": Mycroft, the sarcasm is not needed

• MYCROFT TELL YOUR BROTHER WHAT HE FUCKING DID TO JOHN

• Mrs Hudson is such a fucking Queen

• "What's his name?"

• "Sherlock was not my boyfriend": YES HE FUCKING WAS SHUT UP

• "I AM NOT GAY": wow, denial is high there John

• Mrs Hudson ships Johnlock more than the rest of the fandom combined XD

• Mycroft: "oh yeah but the other wine is like so much better. Anyways, your bff hates you now byeeeee"

• I LOVE THE MUSIC IN THE RESTAURANT SCENE GEEEEZ

• Sherlock is such a fucking little twat when he wants to be lol

• "Would I suggest you look at this menus, it's... completely identical"

• THE ACCENT. THE FUCKING ACCENT. I'M WHEEZING

• The way he's just tryna be like "look at meeeeeeee" and John gives not a single fuck

• "Surprise me" "certainly endeavouring to, sir"

• Awwwwwww hey Mary

• John is such an awkward lil hedgehog

• Mary: I agree I'm the best thing that could have happened to you

John: bitch you're not Sherlock

• SHERLOCK FUCK OFF

• Oh damn. OH DAMN.

• John just having a mini mental breakdown here

• "Short version. Not dead."

• John looks like he's about to kill someone (preferably Sherlock)

• "Oh God" "Not quite"

• SHERLOCK STOP MAKING BAD JOKES ABOUT THE MOUSTACHE SITCH

• The look in Sherlock's eyes when he realises that John isn't happy to see him

• #deflectiontechniques

• HE LOOKS IN SO MUCH PAIN ON THE FLOOR BABBBBYYYYYY

• In the cafe, Sherlock just looks like a kid that's like 2 hours late home

• "You know for a genius you can be remarkably thick"

• "That's a little more difficult to explain" "I've got all night bitch"

• "Just your brother, Molly and a hundred tramps"

• I love that they end up in a chip shop XD

• John, your moustache is terrible. Accept it lol

• "One word to let me know that you were alive"

• Mary just laughing her head off in the corner XD

• Sherlock: BITCH STFU IT'S A SECRET (whilst entire chip shop is listening in)

• *headbutt*

• "I said sorry, isn't that what you're supposed to do?"

• Mary knows what's up BUT SHE A LIAR

• SHERLOCK LOOKS LIKE HE'S ABOUT TO CRY WHAT A SWEETIE

• Honestly don't know why Mollie looks so shocked, like she knew he was alive

• Greg is just like a proud Papa

• "Oo you bastard!"

• Sherlock being vaguely confused/irritated by a hug XD

• BBC, can we talk about the random shot of the back of Una Stubbs' throat?

• THEY EVEN GOT ONE IN FOR THE SHERIARTY SHIPPERS, HAVE THEY JUST COMPLETELY FORGOTTEN ABOUT JOHNLOCK :(:(:(

• Anderson just doesn't ship Sheriarty XD

• Think the Chip Shop Argument got spilled lol

• Mary is having the time of her life reading the blog XD

• Mary really ships the boys right from the start lol

• "I don't shave for Sherlock Holmes" "You should put that on a t-shirt"

• "SHERLOCK HOLMES GET DOWN FROM THAT SOFA OR SO HELP ME GOD--": Mrs Holmes 1983-present

• The terror alert is on critical and these bitches are just playing chess

• Ngl, missed the burgundy dressing gown

• "Oh bugger!"

• WE STAN THE BROTHERS PLAYING OPERATION

• SHERLOCK'S IMITATION THO

• Mycroft be so defensive

• "Both of us thought you were an idiot, Sherlock. We had nothing else to go on until we met other children" "Oh yes, that was a mistake" "ghastly. What were they thinking of?" "Probably something about making friends": I feel SO sorry for the Holmes parents XD

• Mycroft, I think your brother is trying to set you up with a lil someone (

• "Change the subject. Now"

• Mrs Hudson: :)

• "He's pleased to see you underneath all that--" "Which of us??" "Both of you"

• PLAY DEDUCTIONS WITH YOUR BROTHER MYC

• Sherlock straight in there with the gender equality

• Sherlock: Icelandic sheep wool bitch

Mrs Hudson: ah yes, because the world need a blog on that -_-

• THE CURLS ARE AT A PEAK GUYS

• "I'm not lonely": yes you are stfu

• I love the wink to Mrs Hudson :)

• Mrs Hudson really wants her boys back lol

• Loving the use of transitions to show how much of a dick John is being to Sherlock lol

• "Have dinner?" "Solve crimes?"

• Molly knows she's replacing John really

• "Weight loss, hair dye, botox, affair, lawyer. Next!"

• Sherlock is so gentle with the poor woman :)

• I LOVE THE OLD GUY SO MUCH LOL

• John is so fucking convinced he's right, but it's kinda sad that he doesn't think Sherlock will respect his personal space (because he never has before): JOHN SUBCONSCIOUSLY WANTS SHERLOCK THERE

• Can we just agree that Sherlock is such a sweetie and that it is heartbreaking that John is now his awful internal monologue because he's convinced he hates him after how he reacted once he returned?

• Lestrade just being a concerned dad in the background

• Molly and Lestrade are both just so spooked out

• *dramatically blows dust off book*

• HE WANTS JOHN BACK SO BAD awwwwwwwwwwwwww

• Quick aside, but I have a friend who is a train fanatic (he's coming to prom on a steam thingy) and the train dude reminds me of him lol

• WE LOVE A LIL BIT OF MIND PALACE WORK

• "Excuse you": JOHN YOU SASSY QUEEN

• John: Makin' my way downtown, walkin' fast, getting kidnapped and I fall down

• "Did you get him off a murder charge" "Nope helped him put up some shelves"

• "Do you fancy chips?": HANG ON A MOMENT. In S4E2 Sherlock states that "You're suicidal you're allowed chips. Trust me I should know". Does that mean..... oh Jesus, Sherlock, you little sweetie, you need to talk to someone

• ON PRINCIPLE I HATE SHERLOLLY BUT IT'S ALSO SO SWEEEEEEEEEEET

• *when you wake up after a night out and you don't know where the fuck you are*

• Sherlock is just immediately alert like: wtf is wrong with my John

• The chips just... don't matter, okay

• When you steal a motorbike to help your bff

• I'M SORRY BUT CAN YOU IMAGINE LIKE A 16 YEAR OLD SHERLOCK ROARING AROUND SUSSEX ON HIS LITTLE MOPED AND HIS MOTHER YELLING AT HIM FROM DOWN THE ROAD TELLING HIM SHE'S GOING TO KILL HIM IF HE DOESN'T GET HOME RIGHT NOW XD

• Ngl having the little kid right at the front is real creepy

• But like can you imagine Sherlock and John going to bonfire nights with Rosie when she's a bit older and both of them being dead tense as they watch the bonfire being lit?

• LISTEN TO YOUR DAUGHTER BITCH

• The fact Sherlock figures it out JUST as the bonfire lights up: PERFECT

• Sherlock, with a complete disregard for his own safety: *jumps into a fire and drags John out before tearfully begging him to be okay*

Hetero shippers: ah yes, what a good male friendship

• I LOVE THE HOLMES PARENTS SO MUCH

• I love Sherlock's face lol: he is SO done

• Sherlock totally resembles his mother in terms of personality

• I think the fact this is Benedict's parents makes that scene a million times better: do you think that's how he wants to act during the small talk sometimes XD

• Mr Holmes just looks so Done, and Mrs Holmes is just like "fuck it I'm used to this"

• "She worries!": well of course she bloody does, one son is the British Government, the other is a recovering drug addict who solves crimes as an alternative to getting high and her daughter is locked up in a secret facility

• "Promise?" "...promise": HE LOVES HIS MUM AND DAD REALLY

• Tbf John, you couldn't expect the poor guy to lead his parents on like that, really

• John stop making bad puns

• "Is it to get to you through me?": JOHN KNOWS WHAT'S UP

• Awwwwww he's got his John back and he's just so happy

• Aw c'mon, you've gotta admit that a bit of Sherlock's massive concern is for his brother being in parliament that night

• I'M SORRY BUT I CAN'T HELP THINKING OF THE PARENTLOCK EDIT OF THE FACETIME BIT

• "Illegal!" "A bit": yeah, like this is anything new tho John XD

• "I don't understand" "well that's a first": JOHN LIVES ARE AT STAKE STOP BEING A SASSY BITCH

• *sudden flashback to the great game and the painting*

• I actually love the scene in the train carriage so much, because even though it ends up with Sherlock being a little bastard to get John to admit his feelings, I like how it demonstrates that everyone expects Sherlock to know everything all the time, and that's a very unrealistic expectation: despite the fact he hates it, he is only human, and I think this scene nicely acknowledges that

• Two bros, chilling in a tube train, trying not to freak out cos they might die!

• Sherlock: ooooopppsss, John, might have just set off this fucking bomb :/

• "Mind palace!"

• "You think I've just got how to diffuse a bomb tucked away in there!?" "YES!" "...maybe"

• Sherlock may be a little bitch but you have to admit he's a bloody good actor

• John, the whole way through the tube scene: wtf wtf wtf wtf

• "I wanted you not to be dead!" "Well, be careful what you wish for": Sherlock, sweetie, it almost sounds like you wish you were dead.....

• AWWW HE FORGIVES HIM GUYS

• I wanna know what that information Mycroft gave Moriarty was

• "His death wish": yeah, let's be honest Moriarty was just like "I crave heckety heck death"

• How difficult do you thunk Sherlock found it up on that roof, having to tell John all of that??

• You've gotta admit that it was a pretty good plan

• You can bet that all the conspiracy theories were on Anderson's wall XD

• THE GIGGLING JESUS

• "You COCK"

• "You said such nice things, I never knew you cared :)"

• "I will kill you if you EVER-" "scouts honour" "BREATHE A WORD OF THIS ANYONE"

• "Terrorists can get into a lot of trouble if they don't have an off switch"

• "Oh please, killing me. That was so 2 years ago": WE STAN

• Mycroft is just so desperate to get out of Les Mis: "but the pain. The HORROR"

• Lestrade just seems a little disappointed

• John tryna act surprised at Tom XD

• SHERLOCK'S FACE (the memeeeessss lol)

• WE STAN OUR TWO FAVE BOYS TALKING ABOUT THEIR FEELINGS

• Sherlock is just so determined

• Sherlock: oh yeah heard your graveside speech btw, super sweet

• YES THE HAT BITCHES: OUR FAVOURITE DETECTIVE IS BACK

• OOOO CREEPY MAGNUSSEN NUGGET AT THE END THERE

[ceriousc]

My Story

Just was watching an Alayna Joy video and it inspired me to talk about me for a minute. If it helps anyone then I'm glad I shared. Even if that one person it helps is just me. Here goes. I'm 42. I'm American. Born and raised here. I actually strongly hate being called African American. British people are just British, Canadians are just that. We are literally the only country doing this race thing. I'm human race and I'm over it. But I digress. When I was a child I was molested. My older teenage cousins male would touch me in places, rub their privates against me, until I thought it was normal. I remember asking an adult about the actual act and not saying it was being done to me. I was told it was called sex and we don't discuss that ever. Eventually it began to happen to me in my life quite often because I was taught so young not to talk about it I didn't. I remember trying to fit in with older female cousins. I was introduced one day to a game called hide n go get it. The rules were explained to me we seperated and we all split up while young boys searched for us in our hiding spaces. During this time I was caught and was told I had to have sex with a boy. I was 8 at the time. I preceded to go along with it. By this time it wasn't a big deal to me after all of the other stuff going on at the time. Everyone ridiculed and laughed at me. 8 years old being called a slut when you haven't even had the opportunity to develop yet. By 13 my aunt was paying me to watch her kids while her and her husband were supposed to go to work on the weekends. It was great. I'd spend from Thursday night to Sunday at their house. Early one morning after my aunt left for work. It had to be around 5:30ish in the morning, I was woken up by my nightshirt being pulled up and someone pressing their entire body on top of mine. Private being rubbed against my butt hands clasped over mind. Face down almost suffocating inside a pillow. There was a conversation on the way home later. I was told I was attractive. I know I wanted it. We were together now. This was my new hell. After a couple times I couldn't take it. I told someone and apparently I found out years later that an adult overheard and I was bragging about this. Mine you I was 13 at the time. He was in his 30's and married to my aunt and they had children together. But it was my fault I was bragging. I'm off track again. Anyway I stopped going over. He sent me roses and a card. My mother was immediately like what the hell. This isn't something am uncle sends to his niece. I tell her what happened. She believed me. We went to the police. I wasn't a virgin. Strike one. He is military. He took a polygraph test and passed. I get free counseling he gets nothing. My aunt later finds out he's on drugs. They get a divorce he leaves. He then marries a 17 year old girl. He's late 30's. Atleast she's legal but I'm a homewrecker now. I literally spend the rest of my teenage years being drunk and promiscuous. I realized early on in life that I was a lesbian. This was me punishing myself. Hating myself and just believing this is what I deserved. I remember crying and being depressed and self harming. Some people actually told my Mom I was a witch. I don't know why or where that came from but yeah my life. 15 I discovered strippers living on the next street over from my house. I was in heaven. That became my new hangout spot. I would give them back rubs, go to the store for their props ( honey, whip cream, baby oil etc.) I also got to take money at the door, take money in the kitchen while handing out plates of food and drinks. I did have to wear a button down white shirt tied up under my breast and short shorts. I had a grown up body by then. The owner wanted me to sleep with him but at that time I didn't care. I was making money and hanging around good looking totally naked women. School was horrible. I was the known slut. Home was even worse because well same. This house and job were my only outlet. My saviour from suicide. Until people who knew my family eventually told them that I was a dancer there which wasn't even true. But my life changed drastically after. I called that my rock bottom moment. I remember watching a show when I was an adult and the character said just because I'm next to hookers and dressed fancy doesn't mean I'm a hooker. I couldn't help but laugh because it's insane but so very accurate. I was so depressed I would cry all of the time. I wanted to die so badly. I remember praying to be ugly so guys would just leave me alone. If I were fat and ugly then no one would want me. My life would be better. So I stopped dieting, exercising, showering. Anything healthy I stopped doing it. Sad to say that carried over into my adulthood but we are still at teenaged me who now bad getting teased for bad hygiene. I eventually kind of cleaned up my act by junior year so I had to be 16 going on 17. I got accepted into a vocational during the morning and regular school the afternoon. I also got a job. A real tax write off job. So I wasn't drinking, I was pretty decent with my hygiene. No one told me about shaving or importance of skin care or just taking care of yourself in general. I was pretty good though. I had a steady boyfriend. Yep trying to fit in again. I wasn't doing good at school at this time. Bullying was a huge problem so I just started going to work after vocational school. Got incompletes like I thought so I just went to summer school and aced my classes. My steady boyfriend was upset because we weren't having sex. Sex became something I associated with depression and anger. It's a punishment. I didn't get why he was so upset we weren't doing that. Also he'd buy me flowers and make hair and nail appointments for me. I kept wondering why because when we met nothing about me said I was into those things. The only time I would dress up was if I had to for our class interviews or presentations. He started popping up at my job to surprise me with gifts and just get upset because he couldn't find me. Then it would turn into I came up to your job you said you were working where were you. My job I could've been doing a number of things. Cleaning out break room stalls in the back. We couldn't hear speakers back there and at that time loudspeakers were all we had. I hated doing cashiering so I avoided that typically anyone so I'd probably be outside waiting for stock trucks so I can do that. Outside can't loud speakers therefore can't get called to the register. We ended up breaking up after he proposed and we just realized we weren't right for each other. He was a great guy he just wasn't for me. I went back to punishing myself though. Blamed myself for our break up. My grades suffered, I lost my job, and just went to bad habits which included sleeping around again. Also went back to the strippers because they brought me joy. This older guy with money started checking me out. I ended up sleeping with him. It became a thing. I ran away from home and started living on his house boat. It was great at first. I was 17 with my own space. My mom was running around the neighborhood with posters asking have you seen this girl. I was a piece of shit for that. Yes I know. We left Michigan and we took a few strippers with us and moved to Florida. It was wild. The guy bought me clothes and other stuff I needed but he kept hinting at us starting a family. I was trying to figure my shit out. It scared me. We were in Pensacola Fl. When I got hit for the first time. My jaw and eye were swollen. I thought some of my teeth got knocked out too but they were still intact. We argued alot. Faught for a week and then he raped me. I thought the molestation was bad but being raped is 100 times worse. I can't even describe it. My friend immediately came when I called. I didn't want a hospital, no police, I just wanted to shower forever and die. That was my plan. Shower and die. I finally healed enough on the outside that I went home to my parents. I got home and didn't tell anyone about him. Hey I ran to Florida with some strippers. Think whatever you want. I couldn't stay at my house for long. I was having a hard time dealing with anything. Guy kept calling threatening my life and with everything else happening I left again. A guy I would hangout with was still a virgin I thought he was nice. He liked me he was going to Lansing for awhile. I went with him and his family. Me and him were sharing a room we had sex. He didn't see how painful that first time after messed with my head. I smiled got up hopped in the shower and balled my eyes out. Just cried until he knocked on the door. I didn't have any clothes so I had to share with him. I big breast and was walking around with a football Jersey and no bra looking like trash. That's how I was treated. He was nice. He bought me food, and anything that I needed he was cool about. He didn't know the Florida stuff I was dealing with. He knew what was going on at home but he didn't get to find out about Florida. No one did until now. I ended up finding out he was related to me. It's so important to find out your history for reasons like this. So yeah we ended up being cousins. I ended going to prom with my cousin as just my cousin although we had already slept together. Took pictures got my yearbook signed. The next day I joined the Navy. I had a whole year to train and get back in shape. I didn't do that. By the time the departure date came around I had changed my mind about going. I was told I signed up and I had to go. I found out later that wasn't true. There I was in the military. Not shaven. Terrible hygiene. Just overall terrible human being. Not into this. Hate authority figures. Can't stand rules of any kind. So we get haircuts. Uniforms. I rage first atleast two weeks straight. There is only 8. I see some women that I'm attracted to out of 80 women it was bound to happen. Then we have to run. Running was always horrible for me and I found out why. In the Navy where we run every morning. I had an asthma attack. They gave me treatment. I went to my barracks. More running another attack. I forget what day or what week stuff happens but I still get PTSD from coming on my period there. Outside no bathroom around. Immediate bathroom that is. Anyway my period came early. Probably due to stress. Messed up my uniform. There are certain days for you to wash your clothes. People have to clean those washers and dryers probably if they are not cleaned properly the whole crew gets demerits. My menstrual has always been horrible. Military was 10 times worse. I made it through to the end of the menstrual. I was constantly told my hair was growing too fast I needed it cut again. Didn't do that. Couldn't fold my bedding correctly. Was told to shave for swimming I didn't do that either. I know what you are thinking. I agree. I'm there with you. Hygiene has always been a struggle for me. It's my defense mechanism. It's how put a wall up since I can't put a physical one up. I ended up stepping on this girls foot who I didn't know while marching and wearing steel toe boots. We clicked immediately. Fast friends. I fell in love shortly after and didn't know it. I just knew I had to always be around her. I remember once going to the shower. I saw her waiting in line. The way we did showers were two people to a stall. I would've had to shower with her if I hadn't turned around and traded clean up days with a friend so I could shower last and alone. Later before I could jump into bed she asked me why I left showers. I completely played the wtf are you talking about card. She's like I saw you walk in. I'm like oh I didn't see you. I forgot something then just decided to study some more for that test tomorrow. Now everyone knew I didn't do the physical part of training before bootcamp but I memorized that entire book we were given by our recruiter. Basically I just could skim it and it would all come back to me. Graciously she let it go and I went to bed but this kept going for weeks. One day she finally said I know a girl back home like you. I was horrified and shocked. I never had been with a woman, hadn't kissed a girl, nothing with a girl except love her from afar so when she called me on it I was speechless. I went to bed. We had a qualifying run the next day and I think my panic attack I was already having, mixed with asthma attack, and almost became a heartattack. Either way I was told right before graduating and after receiving awards for most improved cadet that I had to leave. 7th week 2nd day only five more days to go. I wouldn't graduate. We laid in bed and I got to hold her and tell her goodbye as we cried. She didn't love me but we were friends and I still miss her dearly. My life didn't get much better after that. I was eventually diagnosed with bipolar depression, anxiety, and PTSD. I did some terrible things in my life. I had some terrible things done to me. I came out as bi after bootcamp. I was raped two more times. I have grown to try and deal with it. Alot of people blame me identifying as lesbian now as it has or had something to do with me being raped or molested. I can honestly say that for as long as I can remember I've always loved women. I've always been attracted to women. I have acknowledged a man being handsome. I have consentually dated and slept with men. I just realized when I became older those moments were never for the right reasons. Everyone story is different. Your isn't going to be my story. You might hate everything that I've said. That's fine if you do. Your a human being. You matter.. Your ideas matter and I love you for your diversity! Love one another!!

[exoticsurnames]

2 (29.1.11)

I call myself honest a lot of the time, “straight to the point.” It is one of these things that you say about yourself, and train your mind to believe, but you don’t really mean it. I’m not really honest. I don’t even know if I’m telling my story, or whether I really just meant what I said. Or I do know which part of me is talking but I don’t want to tell you which, and neither do I want to describe which fragments of my character make up this one leviathan that is myself. This again is dishonest, because even if I don’t tell you directly (which is fast becoming my style) then it will slip out like an unsealed bottle-top in a rucksack.

I always remember those times when I’ve had a bag, whether it has been for school when I was young or in my more mature existence, where I’ve not sealed my bottle properly, where its secrets have spilled out. There is something so clumsy and normal about it, but also so embarrassing and unexpected. It really is like pissing yourself. You may feel it in a damp patch on the arch of your back when you fix the bag on your shoulders, or when you set the bag down on the table and it leaves its damp mark, its stain, but it is always in some inverted infantile discovery that it occurs. It is not in that immature (but perfectly pure) state of feeling warmth spread around your crotch and down the legs of trousers (probably corduroy) that you get when you’re young. No, it’s that feeling when you’re surrounded by the posh kids at university who you don’t dare talk to, or talk to anyone else about, aside from the occasional bitter recollection, and you know you’re late for a lecture that you care little about and don’t belong in, and you quickly toss the beaten bag off your back and want to hit someone or something (probably something, like a Worcester boiler if this shithole had heating) and you know you didn’t fasten the top on your re-filled bottle of water that’s probably from some French spring, and you think to yourself “Why do I buy French water?” Not because of some strong, nationalistic stirring, but it just seems like such a waste of effort on your part and on theirs. To move all that water to another place for the same purpose, and to have it spill in your bag and across notes where you barely paid attention – except this time it wasn’t their water it was the water from the dirty sink in your room – and it’s then you remember that notice on the back of the label of the French bottle of water (there’s no relevance to the French factor here but this is a French bottle of water) and it says “For hygienic reasons this bottle is intended for the exclusive use of our mineral water,” and you on the one hand wonder at the industrial might of a company that creates plastic that only responds to their single drinking product, that may self-destruct at any time if tainted by an invading alien liquid, and on the other hand you group it in with the damp bag, and the terrible room and the terrible people walking around and the words you are fed and piss away like French (or British or whatever) water and you realise it’s all a load of shit and that most things are. 

And it is then you remember your dad’s saying that “Ninety nine point nine percent of everything is shit,” and it suddenly feels like the most profound thing you’ve ever come across, that elusive point one percent. And it’s not a depressing state of mind – it’s called being selective and not settling and being safe and getting by with what you’ve been given. And it means you hunt out the point one percent, track it down and tame it and make it yours because you know that it’s good. 

But what you don’t do is find it and then discard it with the rest, because then you’re left with absolutely nothing.

[disappearingground]

Step into the Ring with Boxing Superfan Jenny Lewis

VICE / Noisey March 4, 2019

We talked to the singer about how a head injury led her to develop an obsession with boxing.

By Mark Ortega

I’ve spent the last decade-plus writing about boxing. I’ve spent even more time as a fan of Jenny Lewis’ music. In 2012, I was attending a fight almost every weekend. To kill time during lulls in the action, I would scroll through Twitter on my phone and, to my surprise, I’d find the singer weighing in on them. Boxing became a regular theme in Lewis’ social media presence. Even when she performed with the Postal Service at Coachella in 2013, she watched a Canelo fight in her trailer before taking the stage. It was like I was George Costanza and my worlds were colliding.

Years later, I bumped into Lewis in person a couple of times and our conversations always drifted towards boxing. I first met her at Willie Nelson’s Ranch at 2016’s SXSW. Our entire 20-minute conversation revolved around the sport, as a few days earlier she had attended a low-level fight at a Marriott in the Valley. Late last year it was on the rooftop of the Fonda Theatre after a Phoenix show, and we were both headed to The Forum the next night for a fight. Her seats ended up being next to mine, and I offered her some insight into the stories behind each fighter. After that, we stayed in touch and I actually brought her along to a Manny Pacquiao public workout before his fight with Adrien Broner in January, a fight for which she flew solo to Las Vegas.

The Pacquiao workout took place at the Wild Card Boxing Club in Hollywood, located in a dingy strip mall on Vine Street. Lewis attended just one day after her 43rd birthday and got a photo with Pacquiao, later saying it was a great birthday present. She wore a Wild Card Boxing Club t-shirt, becoming one of those fans who wears the band’s shirt to their concert. At a press conference for the Deontay Wilder-Tyson Fury heavyweight title fight a month earlier, Lewis had reacted to meeting Freddie Roach the way some of her superfans probably react when meeting her. They traded stories about Aimee Mann, another massive boxing fan with whom Roach had a very close relationship.

Lewis is a very studious boxing fan when she’s watching the fights ringside. She wants to know the backstories of each fighter, enamored by what it must take to send someone down a career path where they get punched in the face for a living. She doesn’t look down at her phone while the fight is taking place. She might dig into her purse for some snacks—at the Pacquiao fight it was a share-sized bag of peanut M&Ms—but otherwise it’s all business.

Though she’ll be the first to tell you she isn’t an expert, make no mistake: Jenny Lewis is a die-hard boxing fan. She goes to low-level club fights in the Valley when she can, something that most self-proclaimed boxing fans won’t do. She’ll be touring in support of her first solo album in five years, On The Line, for much of the spring, but you can call it a happy accident that the tour has a break when fellow redhead Canelo Alvarez fights Danny Jacobs on Cinco de Mayo weekend in one of the biggest fights of the year.

I spoke to Jenny Lewis about what made her a boxing fan and how she even slipped a boxing reference into her latest single “Heads Gonna Roll.”

Noisey: How did you first get interested in boxing? Jenny Lewis: I'm later to sports in general than most people. Growing up, my mom had a younger boyfriend who was into boxing. He would watch the Tyson fights and I wasn't interested in the sport but found the theater of it really interesting, even as an eight-year-old.

So my interest as an adult came about in 2012. I had a head injury that I got on New Year’s Eve 2011 where I passed out after a combination of wine, weed, and a really tight belt. And I had to get nine staples in the back of my head. Six or eight weeks after the head injury I started experiencing severe insomnia and I didn't know what was happening to me, and it was really one of the most terrifying experiences of my life. I was unable to sleep more than 30-minute increments. I watched the entire Sopranos series. I also started watching the [Arturo] Gatti-[Micky] Ward trilogy. And I think I had seen The Fighter. I just started spiraling out on YouTube boxing. Then, after that, I got a subscription to HBO and started watching the HBO 24/7 series. I don't know if that's a gateway for normal people to get into boxing, but after the first episode I was hooked.

For me, as a kid, I was always around boxing, but the thing that sort of thrust me into being a die-hard was this HBO series called Legendary Nights about old fights they had on HBO before my time. It talked about fights in such a theatrical way, it hooked me. The theater of it all is really what appealed to me initially and the element of triumph over adversity. Going through a really difficult period, I didn't know what was going on, I couldn't fucking sleep. Just this idea that you can fight your way out of any circumstance. The first fight I went to was the [Julio Cesar] Chavez [Jr.] vs. [Sergio] Martinez fight at the Thomas & Mack Center in Las Vegas in September, 2012. That particular 24/7 was the classic tale—the rich kid versus the poor kid. I just remember fucking hating Chavez Jr., thinking this fucking shit was not training properly. He's so privileged, he has these opportunities and I kind of went into the fight with a bias. But being in the arena—first of all, the feeling in the arena during a fight is unlike any other feeling in the world. I haven't been to a lot of sporting events aside from my third-grade soccer matches in Van Nuys.

I just knew the vibe in the room was electric and I was really... the fight was really fun to watch. And by the end of it, I was like, “OK, Chavez. I feel you, bro.” He knocked Martinez down in the 12th round and I was really impressed, and I kind of accepted him and accepted the theater of the sport. You gotta have a protagonist, you have to have an antagonist or a super villain in order to get people to watch.

For that fight, your sister came along with you. What was that experience like? That was our first fight and we went together. I had been staying with her on and off, and we had never really gone to an event together outside of one of my concerts or her shows—she plays in a cover band in the Valley on Saturdays. So this was a big deal for us, a big bonding moment. My sister has always really been into sports. We drove out there together and it was a really great experience for us. She couldn't believe the vibe in the room and, at one point, I looked back and she was being carried off by like five giant men singing the Mexican national anthem. I was like, “Come back! Don't leave me here alone!” But we had a fucking blast. I think the fight culture, just for both of us talking to people in Las Vegas—which is our hometown—about boxing, is just like a built-in community. And people are so willing to share their knowledge with you.

You said the Deontay Wilder-Tyson Fury heavyweight title fight, which took place at STAPLES Center in Los Angeles in December, was your favorite thing you did last year. What made that the case? The fight itself. I had never seen a heavyweight fight. I've been to Valley Fight Night a couple of times. So to roll to a heavyweight title fight, it was so exciting and felt like an event from the past. And I brought my friend Jessica, who had never seen a fight before, knows nothing of the sport, and grew up orthodox Jewish, and was asking all these basic questions. Like, “Why would these men hit each other like this? Aren't there other opportunities to get out of the ghettos than fighting? Aren't there other sports? What about tennis?” Just to have this juxtaposition with my friend who is new to the sport and asking all these really cool entry-level questions. The fight itself was just incredible to watch. And the vibe in the crowd with all the Brits—I've never seen such a wasted audience. Everyone was really fucking drunk, it was crazy.

And the story learning about Fury, I don't know a lot about British boxers. I've sort of been more interested in Mexican fighters and American fighters, but learning about what he went through [Fury returned from a three-year hiatus after dealing with depression and drug and alcohol addiction] and seeing his transformation was really inspiring. To go and see this physical manifestation of this transformation in person was pretty great.

One thing you said after the fight when we were talking that really stuck out to me, was when the two guys hugged each other at the final bell. You said, “Wow, it must be a super intimate experience to go through that with someone, almost like having sex.” I also thought it must be as intimate as writing a song with someone. Is that a fair comparison? Sure. I think any collaboration is heated and intense, and songwriting can often result in verbal blows. [Laughs] But with Wilder and Fury, it seemed really sincere, their connection at the end of the fight. Whereas with Floyd Mayweather it's so money-focused. He's so amazing to watch but you realize his whole thing is about money. But this was about the struggle and the triumph and the intimacy of that moment. Just the idea that it's two men standing up there with their entire past. Their histories, their traumas, their triumphs, wherever they come from, and you bring all of that with you into the ring.

That's gotta be pretty similar to songwriting, right? You bring all of that stuff into what you do and it's such a personal and raw way to make a living. Yeah, you're toe-to-toe with your demons. I keep having this dream about fighting myself in the ring. It's pretty cliché and a pretty obvious Psych 101 thing, but where you're truly battling it out with yourself.

One thing you touched on earlier—these fighters' backgrounds. It's basically a lot of their way out of whatever difficult upbringing or tough surroundings. You come from this child actor background where you were the provider from a really young age. I feel like there's a kinship between you and fighters in that regard. I remember from that initial HBO 24/7, an interview with Martinez about growing up in Argentina and how he explained growing up in poverty. They didn't always have enough to eat. That resonated with me. I was the breadwinner from the time I was three or four years old. And my family we are working-class, showbiz folks. My grandfather was on vaudeville. He didn't succeed. He was actually a Golden Gloves fighter as far as the story goes. But he started out as a singer and that didn't work out. He was a fighter, he was a gangster, ended up in jail.

I feel like my people have fought their way out of poverty. My grandmother was a dancer. Showbiz was really the only way out without an education or money to get an education. My mom grew up very poor in Echo Park and singing was her only way out of the hood. She was married at 15 to a Mexican gangster. She went to Vegas with a dream of getting out where she met my father, who was a kid on the road from the time he was 12 or 13 with this vaudeville harmonica group. They met and hustled in Vegas and got a gig playing the lounges in all the hotels where they were paid in cash and got to live in the hotel rooms and they'd go down and work and leave me and my sister in the room with the do not disturb sign on until my sister was old enough to join the group. So it really is a hustle to survive.

Manny Pacquiao's trainer Freddie Roach is one of your favorite people. And I feel like you might be the Freddie Roach of indie rock. In your touring bands, you've had people like a young Danielle Haim, Natalie Prass, Tristen, all these people that have gone on to success after leaving your live band. You always take on these young talented rockers. I wonder if you ever saw that role for yourself? Well, first of all, that's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me, so thank you. I'm always looking for great talent. I've always reached out to women to help me with my music, but also I've found myself in this mentor position. Which isn't necessarily intentional from the jump.

With Danielle, it was her first tour ever. She was still keeping kosher and I had to meet with her parents before she came out on the road with me. And then her sister Este joined my band for a show. Then at one point we talked about Alana also joining the band. I talked to the Haim patriarch "Moti" and he was like, "Well, next time all three of them!" And then they blew up on their own. I'm always happy to provide a safe environment for women in my band and hopefully they've all had positive experiences. But I've also had not just women. Blake Mills was in my band, Jonathan Wilson. I've been really lucky in my career to collaborate with some of the best musicians around.

Have you ever thought about if you were a fighter what your walk-out song would be? Wow, I have not. Let me think about that one because that's a great question. But there's a song on my new record called "Heads Gonna Roll" which is a boxing reference. I don't know if people are gonna catch onto that but in the first verse: "I'm gonna keep on dancing until I hear that ringing bell.” It's a Mayweather reference.

I always thought the Rilo Kiley song "Moneymaker" would have been a great boxing walkout song. Even though that song is about sex workers, it would have fit. "You've got the moneymaker, this is your chance to make it out of here..." I think that's the one. Can we get that song to Floyd?

Is there anything else you want to say to the Jenny Lewis or boxing fans that will read this? I wanted to give one shout out to my favorite boxing podcast. It's called Beating The Odds with Beeb.

[g5b3ysjw-blog]

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[zoedart-blog]

Gran’s Story

Grans Story

 I was born in Kensington, Melbourne on 5-1-1923. My family lived near the Flemington Racecourse. My mother Agnes Grey McKissock and father- Joseph Purcell Brown had a lolly shop next door to the theatre. My mother came to south Australia by sailing ship- My grandfather George McKissock was 6ft1in, He came from Paisley, Scotland and had lovely snowy white hair and beard and a beautiful accent, he was a sailor on sailing ships. Stephen has a couple of signing off certificates in his possession. They came to live in Port Melbourne where his wife Kate Lavina Grey rented a double fronted house and the front rooms were turned into a midwifery hospital. Kate took on women who wanted nursing whilst having babies. My grandfather eventually got a job on the wharves. My father’s mother and father apparently had over time a few country inns around St. Leonards and Sussex Way. He was a sailor in the British Navy, I think he left the navy in Sydney and joined the A.I.F his number was 206. I remember living behind a lolly shop next door to a theatre in Racecourse Road, Flemington. I can remember at the age of 3 kneeling on a chair in front of an ice cream can digging ice-cream out with a spoon at theatre intervals. My sister Betty Ellan was born there and not long after we shifted to Ascot Vale to a delicatessen shop where my mother did ALL the cooking- (pies which we had for lunch every school day) fish, cold meats etc etc.

 The Depression was on and sadly people owed them a lot of money, the shop was situated in an area where there were a lot of horse trainers, jockeys where they used to tick up everything, so once again we shifted. To Brunswick where I went to school, I was about 6 years old. We had to wait till our house was ready in Merlynston, North Coburg. We had enough money for a deposit on a three-bedroom weatherboard house at 39 Orvieto Street Merlynston, eight hundred pounds and my mother paid 1 pound a week till they paid it off.

My brother Donald George Harry was born here, and we were all so happy. My father at that time was employed on two ships going back and forth to Tasmania, hit his war wounds were a big problem and he eventually received the TPI pension. We bought a car, at least my dad did and each weekend in the spring and summer we ALL mum, dad and 3 kids, uncle and aunts etc would go to Seaford. The car had a big front seat and two dicky seats on the back of it and a big back seat. So, held quite a few bodies. We also went to Hanging Rock for New Years Day and picnics in the autumn a wonderful time for us kids.

It was such a sad time for my mother and father, our long-awaited brother wasn’t doing to well and it was found he had double cataracts in both eyes and some double mastoids in both ears. My mother had measles whilst carrying him for so many years he had to have many operations, the result was vision- 16 inches and partly spastic. My poor mum had to do so much for Don and my Father, taking Don to a private school 3 days a week. My dad was also in and out of hospital.

At the age of 58 years my mum collapsed and died.

The doctors said, “there was nothing they could do for her, she was worn out”. My dad went on to be manager of the Masonic Club dining room in Flinders Street, all voluntary and he died at 72. During all that time mu aunt Kate looked after Don and Dad. She died at 64 in 1963 and then Allen and I took over the care of Don, looking after him. He was living in a cottage environment for many years he had spent 5 years with us. He was 18 when he came to live with us.

So much for my family.

My sister and I went to church 4 times a week each Sunday, 10am Christian Endeavour, Church, Sunday School and church again at night. My dear grandfather would give us threepence every Sunday if we had been good, many a time I would only get a penny. Bet seemed to manage a threepence. We sang in the choir in the Methodist church in our street and each summer and winter we’d get a new dress only to be worn on a Sunday or for something special. I was also a Sunday school teacher until I got ticked off for wearing lipstick at 16 years old.

 My life at home- I always had to clean the brass. Perhaps that was how I got to love it so much. I can remember 4 brass candlesticks they had been given to my mother as a wedding present, I had them dated 17th century. I have them here and Tina’s put her name on them, Brass taps, plates etc. We would as kids have to set the table, always a white cloth and a vase of flowers in the centre, a big oval table and then we had to wash up after tea. In those days no dishwasher, only children. As we did that, we would sing our heads off until dad told us to shut up. I also had to mow the lawns, with a hand mower of course and that took hours. For pocket money on Saturdays we’d get sixpence to go to the local pictures and threepence to spend. If we bought our lunch on Friday whilst attending Merlynston Primary school another threepence- one penny for a pie. 1 penny for a luscious family ice block and a lolly. Bliss. I made many long-life friends at that school, 23 of us met in Melbourne 1st Monday in December. The girls who live in Melbourne met monthly, but there is always the phone, not short cats, they’re lovely long ones. Of the 23 girls present last December only three were under 80 (only just). We met at school, friends through teens, dances, shows, weddings and babies. We all knew each other’s families, husbands, some children until we all went off to different places but now, we are mainly widowed, sad really. Some of the girl’s names- Val Creighton, Lil Westwood, Peg Woods, Clarice Roberts and Norma Joyce the only one of us to marry a yank and head odd to the USA but came back here eventually Olive Stubbs, Peggy Cash, Lorna Watts. We played cherry bobs, basketball, have school reports, concerts exams. My dad gave me my first watch when I passed my merit certificate at 13 1/2 , I could leave school then. My first job was at Allen’s music shop, at the information desk, a bit boring, seven shillings and sixpence a week.

Then I got a position at the posh end of Collins street to learn Millinery at Thommy Harrisons. It was the most exclusive salon in Melbourne where I learnt to make hats and sell them. Only people with lots of money could afford to shop there.

My girlfriends told me that first night after I said after I had a few dances with him “hands off he’s mine” and he was. We had a wonderful time together dancing, dinners at lovely places, theatres etc until he went overseas. We got engaged before he went to Manus Island with the 79th Spitfire Squadron on active service. Allen’s brother Jim was in the Navy, he served in some dangerous countries for 37 years, his brother George was in the 6th Division Middle East, Greece and was captured in Crete and was a POW in Germany and came home safely after the war. Arthur was also in 6th Division and was sent to Malaysia, was captured and died on the Burma Railway. Four sons in the forces, his poor mother she has such a lot to bear. Allen came back to Australia to pick up more spitfires and was given leave to come home from Oakey, Queensland. Two days to get home, three days here and two days back there a week and they let him come home again. We married on the 31st of January 1945 at St Linus Church of England in Merlynston at 5pm, I arranged the wedding in 3 days and we had 4 days honeymoon- I don’t know why my granddaughters had to take 12 months or more. We had the reception at the Federal Hotel in Collins Street, and I wore a lace dress with a train and a veil borrowed from a Catholic Convent. The nuns made them and lent them out to all who would like them. They asked what time we were to be married so they could pray for our future happiness. I thought it was a lovely thought perhaps that is why Allen and I had such a long (58 years) wonderfully happy life together. Everyone has their ups and downs and to succeed one must give and take and look after one another in sickness and health. Then whatever setbacks one can always get above them if there is plenty of love about. We had part of our honeymoon at the Hotel, room 21 with a bathroom, very posh and then had two days at the Georgian Inn. So, we had seven days of married life then Allen went off again to Moratie and several other islands. The war ended in August 1945 and Allen was discharged in Bairnsdale 1945.

I went up there to live and keep house for two months. I couldn’t cook much, but I soon learnt, not like you girls- we weren’t allowed in the kitchen, perhaps because of food rationing. I don’t quite know why as my mother was a lovely cook. We had three honeymoons altogether and between postings it was at Bairnsdale I learnt I was pregnant, thrilled to bits we were. When Allen left the air force, he went to Tech school at night to brush up on his carpentering. We lived with mum and dad in Merlynston. Ian was born 19th of August 1946 and by then we had bought a block of land for 55 pounds at 14 Edward St, Fawkner and were planning our home. Materials were very hard to get, and one had to go on a list to buy things. We gad enough money to build the back of our house, one bedroom, nursery, big kitchen, sunroom, laundry and bathroom combined. Allen worked very hard to get it ready for when Stephen arrived on the 17th of October 1948. We shifted in when Stephen was three weeks old, we furnished our house very comfortable with bits and pieces relations gave us and were quite happy to do that. Later on, we built on a bedroom, hallway, bathroom, and lovely big loungeroom. In 1950 Allen decided to join the police force, he did very well in all his studies often coming 1st or 2nd. He was the only married bloke in No.5 squad and lived out. The single fellows lived in barracks, he even learnt to swim. Allen’s first police station was in Brunswick and by then we decided we’d like a little girl. Ian was at Lynch Road School and Stephen had just started, Stephen and Ian shifted into the middle room, us in the front one (even had a walk-in robe!) The nursery was empty, Robbie John arrived on the 11th of May 1955, and so we gave up the idea of trying for a girl. Allen’s mum had 9 boys and two girls; the girls arrived last. Allen finished off our house and we even had a road made by then, he was doing very well in the police force. Allen was promoted to uniform to plain-clothes detective and went to Airlie College and came out 4th of 36. It was very hard demanding work, all shifts life was a struggle in those days, but we managed to buy a car, a Morris for 100 pounds then in 1952 an A model ford for 50pounds, Allen’s pride and joy. What fun we had picnics, rabbiting, mushrooming, wood gathering. A picnic consisted of a cooked leg of lamb, jar of beetroot, pickles, loaf of bread, butter, tomatoes, white onions and fruitcake- wonderful. Pop and Gran Mumford lived 5 minutes away across the paddocks, we all used to go to Sunday school night tea. Geoff, Dorrie, Jean were home enough to have a footy or a cricket team, great times.

Then, Allen was talked into trying for a country station, Wedderburn the first, what excitement, had to rent out my lovely family house everything just right. Garden was lovely- we shifted just after Christmas 1958. Allen had the Ford all done up as he had to use it for the Police work and away we went with the trailer on the back, on board more incidentals plus bikes, dog, dog kennel, 4 bantams on eggs, 1 possum and I imagine a lot of pot plants. I was his unpaid offsider, After Wedderburn we went to Violet Town the Yarra Junction, each town provided for all us new experiences. Wedderburn was a small town, 3000 people all very friendly, a lovely big old house and an office looking out onto a village green where cricket was played in the summer. Stephen went down to the local milk bar, he was breathless when he got back, the man said we could have a loan of a cow and he had two and not enough feed as we had a Lucerne paddock we accepted. Me on the condition I did not have to milk her. Flossie, A jersey cow. I did learn how to milk later as Allen would sometimes be caught up with work and the boys would be playing sports etc. I also had a piglet given to me for Mother’s Day, when sold 5 months later $79 came my way. I mothered in the first 6 months, 5 baby lambs, a clucky hen who sat on 10 duck eggs, rosella parrots and galas on my combustion stove hearth who all had to be hand fed. We had a possum who ate roses, fruit and chocolate. I even made my own butter, separated the milk and supplied everyone who called in with jars of cream and homemade jams. My town friends could hardly believe but it’s all true.

Our inspector came once a month for lunch and this day Allen had Fred, a simple lad in the lock up. He was caught flashing himself off to school girls. I had to give him lunch also, so inspector said “what are you going to give Fred for lunch?”, same as you I said, but I put a bit more bacon on yours” and the inspector said “are you going to put it on a plate with a fork and knife?”. “yes” I replied. “well” said the inspector “He could break the plate, cut his throat, stab himself with knife and four times with the fork” so, Fred’s lunch was on an enamel plate with an enamel cup and a spoon, one soon learns. Another time, a runaway boy who I had already made him a great heap of sandwiches, Allen came in and said “he was still hungry”, we had, had a flower show and cooking competition, I won the lamington prize and I bought the prize fruit cake, I don’t know if Allen told him what he was about to eat but he never left any.

Next stop Violet Town- Allen’s mother and father were born at Boho and Warrenbain in time we found we were related to half the town. We’d have weekends when Allen’s parents would come up and have open house and all wonderful stories these relations would tell. The Hume Highway was very bad for accidents, dreadful ones- trucks-many times I’d have injured people to look after and feed till their relatives would come and pick them up. Once, Allen and the shire engineer (he said he would help) a truck with milk powder and a truck with 250 sheep collided, what a mess. Both trucks caught fire and by the time Allen got there the sheep were running up and down the highway with their wool on fire. All the sheep had to be destroyed, nothing much left of the two truckies but the shire engineer never offered to go with Allen again.

Next Stop- over the mountains to Yarra Junction. What a difference. Mountains. Huge gumtrees. Ferns and a house on the side of a mountain and facing Bencairn near Donna Buang. Within 3 days it was all on fire. I didn’t see Allen for four days and then I saw him on the TV. Allen and a ranger tried to get two boys and their grandparents to leave their house as it was in a valley surrounded by trees, but they said “they would stay” so Allen couldn’t do much about it. After the fire they went back to find them. They had all perished on the way out in a ute. The house was still standing, so very sad. The fires were over by Wednesday and Dianna Trask’s wedding was on the Saturday. Allen in one car containing a policeman, his wife, myself, 3 boys and two girls in the back of our station wagon, we were the crowd control.

People came from everywhere to Warburton it really was a circus, church windows full of faces, the brides father had his wallet pinched out of his pocket, after all that Allen had to make way for the bride and grooms car to the reception with a green Holden station wagon with all of us in it and one of the kids yells out “look they’re kidding!” what fun we all had. After the fires the ferns grass and trees were all starting to shoot after 10 days. Plenty of snow in the winter to play in.

After two years Allen and our family had to shift back to Melbourne to Seaford to take up a promotion what a shock to our systems, the people were so rude, always in a hurry and didn’t care about one another. After a while I was a bit lost after having been so busy for several years. I was lucky to meet with Winifred Moss a well-known dressmaker for the wealthy, also did beautiful society weddings, entered the gown of the year 7 times and won 3. Winifred wanted someone to do beading and bridal headgear. I started at 3 ½ days a week and ended up doing full time. I was offered a position at Haileybury College looking after 700 boys and masters in sickbay. I loved it, I also had to show overseas visitors over the school and do flowers and decorate the reception rooms when needed.

Allen was not at all well and became very ill and was discharged on medical grounds, as a family his boys and I were very proud of our policeman and the wonderful life he had provided. I retired from Haileybury and we bought an old house on a big treed block near the beach in Rye. We spent many happy years renovating and creating a lovely garden. My garden was featured in Home Beautiful as the best CWA garden on the peninsula.

We decided six months after finishing the house to move to warmer climes, to Maroochydore where we had, looking back 5 ½ years of holidays. But we returned to Victoria as our granddaughters were growing up without us around.

Ian, Heather and four granddaughters in Tinamba

Stephen and June and two granddaughters in Canberra

Rob and Sue in Lakes Entrance

We settled in eagle point and the mozzies made us move to rosebud, where the traffic made us move to Maffra, just the right type of place we were looking for. Lovely little town, very caring people, loving friends and I hope I have many more years among you all.

Sadly, Allen passed away in April 2003, a brave man.

We now have 6 granddaughters and seven great granddaughters, and hopefully someday maybe a great grandson.

[giveuselife-blog]

Russian Web 2.0 Explodes with material - 10 Million Blogs in 2008

New Post has been published on https://giveuselife.org/russian-web-2-0-explodes-with-material-10-million-blogs-in-2008/

Russian Web 2.0 Explodes with material - 10 Million Blogs in 2008

I used to be a fortunate youngster. Due to the fact that I used to be seven, I waited with first-rate anticipation for lunch time, while my mother, who worked at a massive publishing house, might convey a freshly revealed percent of Soviet newspapers, like “Izvestiya,” “Pravda,” “Trud,” “Komsomolskaya Pravda,” “Krasnaya Zvezda,” “Sovetsky Recreation,” all in all, up to ten+ newspapers. There has been not anything extra quality than to chomp on a juicy apple and examine all the trendy information in one p.C.! I even used to fight with my older brother over who will get “Sovetsky Recreation” and “Komsomolskaya Pravda” first.

Despite the abundance of patterns, from the stiff and legitimate “Pravda” to the greater at ease and youthful “Komsomolskaya Pravda”, the evaluations expressed were trimmed to the regulations of the reigning Soviet propaganda system. Best after the genie of glasnost got here out of Gorbachev’s bottle, I noticed a few surprisingly important articles in the Soviet press. Even then, human beings nonetheless could not sincerely talk up or relate their critiques to particular activities, except discussing it with friends or relatives in their tiny kitchens, where humans ought to speak anything and the entirety at small kitchen tables with the assist of vodka and pickles…

Unfortunately, within the early Yeltsin era, the newly minted democratic Russian media advanced in a motley crew of yellow press, scandals and soap operas. Frequently it turned into tough to sift through this flow and locate a few real pearls of true truth and compelling critic. in the late ninety’s, the Net gave a start to the running a blog universe, and it quick gained reputation from mass users, reporters, politicians, and critics, growing an enormous Russian salad of critiques and philosophies by no means tasted before.

These days Russian running blog services are on their way up. The trendy studies by using Yandex, the Russian seek engine No. 1, showed that the two most famous services in the Russian Net (RUNET) are LiveJournal’s Russian language community (RULJ) and LiveInternet (LI). On June 6, 2007, the RULJ proudly recorded 1 million registered customers and blogs. Yet the long status #2 running a blog webpage LI is unexpectedly accomplishing its most important rival, RULJ, in terms of recent blogs and regular notes.

But, space is still huge: LI has one hundred seventy,000 everyday traffic, while there are 600,000 visitors at RULJ. LI’s Trendy Director German Klimenko stated to CNews that the quantity of lively blogs at LI will exceed LJ by way of the quit of 2007. Yandex research suggests that the general increase of the Russian blogging sphere is seventy-four% (forty-one% international), but the total wide variety of Russian blogs account for Best three% of worldwide blogs. Analysts consider that by 2008 there could be at least 10 million blogs inside the Russian a part of the global blogosphere.

Permit’s make a brief contrast among LI and RULJ. After you check or sign up to both, one issue will become clear at once: RULJ is virtually extra mature and garners an older target market. LI, boasting a kaleidoscope of offerings, is crafted for teens and young adults. Certainly, LI’s target audience is developing faster than that of RULJ. In spite of everything, kids are yearning for the organization and socializing. The massive distinction is in the high-quality of Content material and blogs, in which at LI bored teenagers spill out their sparkling 1/2-thoughts and dreams, whilst the coolest on’ RULJ crowd is plenty more Content material with serious topics and informative Content. There is a terrific number of actually interesting blogs and boards at RULJ. Although, each blog arenas cover nicely for their kind of audiences.

Depressed Russians and Football Widows

properly, yes, while you are coming into the Moscow Sheremetyevo Airport, the first Russians who you notice are not smiling and look quite gloomy. However, in reality, associating Russians with depression – that sounds funny to me. Little did I recognize that a new term “a Russian” method just that! Here is what one RULJ person, Underneath the subject “presenteeism” this user shared newly coined English language terms that hadn’t Yet come to Russia. Those are the first 3 words:

“mac nazi” – humans crazy about Apple Macintosh products

”Football widow” – a female who believes her husband is useless in the course of Football fits

”a Russian” – someone who is constantly in melancholy and sees the world in black

And There’s a whole lot extra of this new language in there.

Now, how about checking the most popular blogs in Russia? Yandex frequently publishes its own score of RUNET’s blogs at Blogs.Yandex.Ru/top. As of July three, 2007, there were 2,189,160 blogs rated at the Yandex machine.

For example, the pinnacle-4 blogs in the Russian Net on July four, 2007, included:

1. Alexander Jdanov and images of the “Star Manufacturing facility” – famous tune display

2. “an illustrated mag about everything within the international”

three. blog of Leonid Kaganov, Russian writer

four. particularly diverse pictures of glamor, animals, humans and fashion

Blogger services rating with the aid of Yandex, July 3, 2007

• LiveInternet 51,823 facts on July three

• LiveJournal forty-eight,439

• Diary.Ru 18,609

• Blogs.Mail.Ru 12,289

• Love ♥ Planet 7,935

• Planeta.Rambler.Ru 2,875

• Ben.Ru 2,398

• Jamango 2,129

search in blogs through Yandex, July three, 2007

• Steve Bloom

• Transformers the sport

• torent

• Timothy and Sobchak

• Harry Potter

On July 3, 2007, famous classes protected (most famous are in caps letters): Anime, CRAP, spring, VIDEO, questions, youngsters, DIARY, friends, Eurovision, LJ, life, games, thrilling, Internet, history, photos, cinema, books, culture, private, lay TDY BR or ksnls,h, love, humans, my mind, my life, tune, thoughts, mind aloud, mood, news approximately life, about me, relaxation, fantastic, POLITICS, pranks, nature, psychology, journey, job, pondering, numerous, desires, events, Game, hyperlinks, poems, tv, creativity, assessments, movies, Photograph, Football, hockey, faculty, humor, me, me and my pals.

Copycats Entice Thousands and thousands of customers

But big RULJ and LI communities are, fortuitously There may be much more that you may discover in the Russian blogosphere. Ever puzzled what the Russian copies of the well-well famous Western weblog websites had been? Here you’re: MoiKrug.Ru is a local version of LinkedIn; Odnoklassniki.Ru – Classmates.Ru; Fakultet.Ru, Vkontakte.Ru — Fb; Habrahabr.Ru – Dig.Com; Privet.Ru (Combo) – MySpace. MoiKrug focuses on expert community. Odnoklassniki is looking for lost contacts, in particular from their excessive schools. Vkontakte and Fakultet are oriented in the direction of students. while the copycats of the “A million Dollar website online” that secured an actual million to its British proprietor did now not spark with the skeptical Russian Net-network, social networks quick went berserk.

The ultra-modern hit of the Russian Web 2.zero is Vkontakte.Ru. Recently Alexa (www.Alexa.Com), a main Internet Statistic Portal, located Vkontakte as the top-four Russian web page, right after such giants as Mail.Ru, Yandex, and Rambler. customers reward the website for clean-to-use design and plenty of features similar to Fb. As an instance, Currently, Vkontakte introduced the video, permitting users to feature movies to their pages. The website additionally allows you to look by using process touch, friends, and remind you of your buddies’ birthdays. In line with Vkontakte data, a few 12,000 people check in on this website every day.

Created in 2006, Habrahabr.Ru, an analog of Dig.Com, became successful almost at once. Habrahabr’s audience consists of people inquisitive about the Web development and Internet economy, Net-designers, programmers, journalists, analysts and diverse companies interested in the Internet. The challenge permits its users to feature blogs, write articles, paste information and create private audio and video applications. In 2007 Habrahabr received the undertaking of the Yr 2007 and First-rate Net community Awards.

Aside from These websites that assist in finding friends and offering socializing platform, there are some interesting tasks covering diverse social wishes.

  For instance, In line with Habrahabr, Lately E-Generator.Ru supported by means of FINAL protecting released DrugMe.Ru (note that in Russian drug actually way “a friend”), a social site for people with various illnesses inquisitive about socializing with each other, finding better capsules and doctors, recommending desirable clinics, and so on. A number of the offerings which range from RULJ, a unwell person can search among customers with the equal analysis and depart a reference approximately a selected doctor and hospital, and many other matters. through the quiet of 2007, the site hopes to get as a minimum One million users. And its principal promotion approach could be the usage of virus advertising via the happy pool of first customers, supplemented by using catchy scientific news and success tales.

Training is every other sphere that is destined to be Net-two-odd. For instance, in 2006 Intel and TransTelecom together released a web 2.zero venture for Russian teachers. The Letopisi.Ru project geared toward teaching teachers in the use of Net 2.0 ideas to create a platform for collective instructional projects. Letopisi.Ru helped many Russian instructors involve their students in institution initiatives.

show Me the Cash: ‘Cherchez La Femme’ and L. A. Russ

So, where is the Cash? Mamba.Ru President, Nikita Sherman, said that some 15 million humans use Net courting sites. And this market is growing 70% to one hundred% annually. For that reason, in 2006 Internet-courting web page proprietors harvested USD 34 million of earnings. In line with iKS-Consulting, fifty-two% of those target audience are men with higher Training and enterprise owners. sure, for a chance to find your Cinderella/Jolie or a Tremendous/Spiderman, Russian men and women don’t mind spending their difficult earned rubles.

But Net 2.zero web page owners also look for the “inexperienced” light in the end of Internet tunnel. Given that you created a unique, famous and beneficial website online, the easiest manner is promoting your begin-up commercial enterprise and merging with massive Russian Net coins cows. That’s what MoiKrug.Ru and Damochka.Ru did, selling their groups to Yandex and Rambler respectively. However, top managers of Fakultet.Ru chose a different manner to monetize their business. According to CNews, Fakultet actually presented every of its users their percentage within the venture, making their subscribers shareholders. This August the employer will trouble A million stocks (1% of Charter Capital) and distribute among its users. The agency owners are looking to both monetize their commercial enterprise and engage their clients in this enterprise. Sooner or later, other corporations, like DrugMe and Eva.Ru, are looking for sponsors and advertisement.

One way or some other, Russian Internet 2.0 is evolving into a very creative and dwelling organism that brings people together and offers brilliant enterprise opportunities to bright entrepreneurs and programmers. So, are you feeling Russian now?

Dr. Andrey Gidaspov has over ten years of experience in commercial enterprise consulting within the IT and telecom (ICT) fields in Russia, CIS, and Asia. Andrey has sealed offers for loads of American organizations with Russian and CIS companions, starting from begin-up companies to big multi-national corporations all through Eurasia. His beyond clients consist of 9aaf3f374c58e8c9dcdd1ebf10256fa5 generation leaders which include Motorola, Harris, Tekelec, Oracle, Corning, Tellabs, Qualcomm, Net2Phone, Nortel, Andrew and lots of others.

[u23art]

A LOOK AT FINAL FANTASY XIII-3 (LIGHTNING RETURNS)

I really just want to start off by saying that I gave this game a considerable amount of time before drawing conclusions. I was stalwart to commit to my forgiveness phase, XIII 1 and 2 were put to bed and this seemed from a glance like a throw away title. So after a long excursion, I returned and started fresh.

Lightning Returns takes place hundreds of years after the 2nd game, specifically 500 years or so. This effectively make XIII-3 take place 1000 years after the 1st one which ended in the year 500 AF concluding the time travel adventure with Serah and Noel. Lightning awakens off screen and commissioned by an unseen God to save the souls of the remaining humans on the planet. The substance known as chaos has flooded the world, the land is dying and the people remaining have stopped aging. With a mysteriously receded in age Hope to be her eye in the sky, Lightning sets out to guide the souls to the next world. This all must be done within 13 days with the clock ticking away.

So the first thing the game throws at you after the first cutscene, is combat, since the first game the combination of striking and staggering has been just about perfected. Fighting is quick, fighting feels cool. You can equip four commands to 3 different sets of outfits you set for yourself at one time. And each outfit comes with it its own ATB meter, giving you potentially extensive opportunities to dish out combos. There is a mechanic of free roaming during fights that is humored in XIII-3 but it amounts to little more that small careful steps so it came off as superficial.

The 2nd major mechanic of this game is side quests. Much like Majora’s Mask you talk to the locals, hear out their problems, and completing these will net you rewards like increased strength and HP. Some side quests can only be activated at certain times of the day, and the objective can only be completed at certain hours on top of that. These tasks can range from casual tasks like menial tasks from average citizens or meeting up with party members of the past to sort out some of the bigger problems.

However, this is where I really start having problems with the game. Lightning is the sign of the end times, and humanity has ceased to age and has lived for centuries welcoming this end. This is a big deal, this game should be trying to cap off this trilogy with mechanics complimenting the scenario. But the context of the game and the gameplay mechanics the player is expected to follow feel as though they’re contradicting each other.

To keep things in perspective, how did the player progress from point to point in XIII and XIII-2? Fighting. You fight bosses to progress through the story and you grind enemies for experience to fight said bosses. Fighting was a frequent mechanic to the point of being second nature to the player. You got acquainted with the pacing and the timing of the ATB gauge and menu options after frequent uses.

But in this game, you fight bosses to progress through the story and you get stronger through many arduous fetch quests. Oh, and did I mention that they removed experience points and leveling? Sure there are enemies that will randomly spawn, but now they have much larger amounts of HP requiring much more time to take them down, and when you beat them the most you walk away with is an item. Sometimes the items will go towards side quests but those are few and far between. Gaining experience is replaced by items and equipment management. One goes from shop to shop buying and sorting through equipment or getting more equipment through quests. This effectively sucked the fun out of battles.

One tedious citizen quest I must mention involves cats, and this was the first strike. So a young person’s cat dies, and he spends centuries trying to bring him back, but in an ironic twist his soul gets transferred into a cat. So you discover there’s an antidote to this condition, you track down this person’s body, but this antidote attracts cats that will steal it. So after a few tries and resets so that I wouldn’t have to keep back tracking to the person making the antidote, I had to try something else. These cats are much faster than Lightning and they only have to be within a short distance to steal a bottle from a thousand year old, battle hardened, bringer of the end. So I had to take a long way around route and jump down on this kid from a ledge to end my suffering.

Another quest I found problematic was chasing ringing phone booths. A phone rings, there’s a young girl saying she’s in trouble and being chased, but after running around the town for several precious minutes it turns out this is an elaborate prank. Rather than complete this and waste any more time, I decided to tackle some story quests at this point.

It was in due time that I got to the straw that broke the camel’s back. So there is a large grass lands area, in it there is a chocobo. The chocobo is hurt and needs healing items, I had no idea where to find them. So I ran around a little more and found a fallen ship and another story crucial point separated from me by large gorges. I inevitably got fed up and looked up a walkthrough rather than spend several hours wandering aimlessly. It turns out there are a little under 10 items needed to heal this chocobo, and this chocobo is necessary to complete two story quests.

And that was it for me, none of this game was translating to be fun. So I put it on my shelf where it will stay. So I looked up the ending, Lightning kills God, the magic world dies and is reincarnated as our world and Lightning gets off a very ordinary train and lives on in the British country side I guess. It’s bittersweet, but I suppose it’s a happy ending nonetheless for Lightning who’s been a tool for the three games. Also a rather charming ending considering that the trilogy started and ends with Lightning getting off a train.

This game felt like an estranged cousin to the first game.There is such a disconnect between this and the first game it’s easy to forget that this setting is Gran Pulse. From the cultured, fleshed out and elaborate aesthetic and designs of the first game, to gothic themes and architecture, a more common staple of storytelling doesn’t feel at all like the segway the story and world building the games should have taken.

It should be mentioned at this point, that the lore from the original game is just thrown completely out the window. There are still L’cie, yet the Falcie like the ones we met in XIII-1 are just not there. The more I dwell on it, the more irritated I become at the fact that the sequel games, instead of expanding upon what XIII laid out, ditch it all for TIME TRAVEL and MOPEY SAVIOR GOPHERING! There is so much that could have been done but now this world will probably never be touched upon again.

On a small final note there’s the soundtrack, it’s above average and it’s enveloping. But the one highlight goes to the remix of the first XIII’s battle theme, it just made me miss previous games.

And a final FINAL gripe I have are the open areas themselves. The first XIII did this well by keeping the screens busy with enemies roaming around and making the environments seem alive and busy. Here they were big, empty and depressing.

In the end XIII-3 was hard to stomach with all the fetch quests and the lack of emphasis on fighting which moved the story forward. But looking at it for just the story, it does hit a handful of emotional chords in interesting ways when it comes to the story of the average people.

Final Fantasy XIII-3: Lightning Returns get a 5 out of 10.

My final parting words. Just play the first XIII, it’s fine, it functions and you can disregard the other two as painfully non-canon.