#depressed poetry go brrrr

[born-to-lose]

Feeling like shit in this chili's tonight

[canonslut]

LIV I DIDN’T KNOW YOU DABBLED IN POETRY?!?! QUEEN. Remember how we met bc I was poetry anon on your main self ship blog? 🥺

Anyways, here goes. Tw for self harm ideation & mentions of blood ?? I was Unwell when I wrote this tbh. Depression spiral go brrrr

I DO!!! i haven't written in a while but you're inspiring me!!!!! 🖤

this is... so so so beyond beautiful and heart wrenching, i am in AWE. i was already emotional at the start and then the last line simply stole the breath from my lungs and left me to stare at the ceiling for a while. you are so brilliant. 🖤

[newty]

thinking abt (the great) war and disability and dion again.

was reading US surgeon-general/american red cross magazine called "carry on," which was published about and for the war disabled and esp ppl with new amputations. its view is p typical: a man doesnt need to be pitied or given money or he'll become wretched and depressed and a social parasite, so we're going to assure u that u can do all kinds of work, make ur own money, and do everything a normal man can do w some work arounds.

meanwhile hostels like st dunstan's for newly blind ppl chartered rehab programs thru donations by making stock appeals abt sacrifice, bravery, and the terror + misery of losing smth you thought was indelible to ur life once. and these two examples typify a lot of the attitudes that sassoon sums up in 'does it matter?' which, btw, im still pissed that the sass biopic didnt use at the end so that it could quote wilfred owen's 'disabled' instead??? in the end, both of their poetry still has a root in the fear of disability occuring to themselves that i think is more evident than in some fiction writers

jeno heltai's aviator w one arm had everything wrong w his head via hallucinations, alcoholism, distorted sense of time and value, that it was fairly easy to forget that karmel depicted a figure that was frightening to others bc of his amputation + not solely his mental condition. ernst weiss almost does the same thing in his short story abt the man who loses himself in rage and blame after he gets invalidated home bc his genitals got lobbed off in the war. the chara describes how he feels and looks feminized for a bit, and then it kind of gets lost in him ranting abt cows and rocks and killing his wife.

and like, if we take a step back from the stories, theyve created a character made more frightening by their physical disabilities, visible and not, which kind of makes them more and less of people at the same time. they escape the matyr figure and become psychological studies. i want to read more.

i think of how the US economy expected men to return capable of the same work they were doing before (or more), and how, like in larry barretto's writing, they didnt account for how many would be mentally and physically unable to do it. modeled after germany, disabled men were then shuffled through work programs modeled to give them independence through undervalued labor like on farms, which must have exacerbated all kinds of economic class things re: those who had to take care of themselves vs those who had family who could do it for them

anyway. i think back to this again bc i find that when i think of dion, i project this interest on him. ofc i have my right arm amputee dion, but i find myself thinking how any challenge to his relationship w his body, what parts he he has autonomy over, and so on make my brain brrrr. he has nothing of the societal vulnerability of the normal soldier, tho, but his temperament and the jist of the curse, bahamut, and his wider duty attract me to the idea

what if the boom after origin had damaged his hearing, or if he starts to betray symptoms of a concussion? how does he write when the curse stiffness his wrist, does the flying and jumping do anything to his lungs or balance, and do any of his medicines nauseate him? if his foot was twisted or his hip was weak, would he allow himself to walk less or until he couldnt? what narrative would he buy into abt his worth, purpose, and responsibility? i wanna see all kinds of dions

[boyinthevoide]

Every Heathers song summarized:

Beautiful: Here's almost everyone you need to remember for the next two hours.

Candy Store: Veronica is gay for three minutes.

Fight For Me: Veronica seals her status as bisexual with being horny for this guy that just got here and kicked a jock's balls in.

Freeze Your Brain: Slushies, depression and toxic fathers.

Big Fun: "Let's get drunk and party" "Hell yes!" Not sure why that's treated as scandalous, they're basically 18.

Dead Girl Walking: "Heather told me to get fucked so I did."

Me Inside of Me: A suicide is faked while the ghost of the victim just looks on like "ooh nice poetry"

You're Welcome: Veronica drops two jocks in cowshit despite them spending the entire song sliding across the floor.

Never Shut Up Again: Oh hell she angry

Our Love Is God: Aw, what a nice love ballad- and they've done two more murders, okay.

My Dead Gay Son: Homophobic dad changes his mind on the basis that he and the other murdered jock's dad had gay sex once.

Seventeen: Wow, what an emotional song, shame there's like an hour left in the musical.

Shine A Light: Audience participation go brrrr.

Lifeboat: Wow, the nice Heather is actually really sad. Would suck if something happened to her-

Shine A Light Reprise: God fucking dammit.

I Say No: YES VERONICA GET HIS ASS!

Kindergarten Boyfriend: Hm, this piano's nice and all, but it's getting a little stale- OH GOD THE ORCHESTRA, MARTHA, NO!

You Girl: Uh oh shit's about to go down.

Meant to be Yours: Veronica hides in her wardrobe while her now ex-boyfriend screams about blowing up a school instead of going to therapy.

Dead Girl Walking Reprise: Breaking News: Seventeen year old girl takes on gun-wielding boyfriend with a croquet mallet and wins.

I Am Damaged: Clever reprise but you are still bleeding out.

Seventeen Reprise: Let's be friends because sure, people can suck, but people can also be so, so kind, and that is always a choice they can make.